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Dec. 25, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
57:41
S02E104 - CHRISTMAS HITS
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Time Text
When I was five minutes, no one knew it was bad.
When I would hang up my stocking at Christmas, open my presents and I'd be back.
Merry Christmas!
Ho ho ho!
Welcome to our Super Duper Christmas app, folks.
What do you think?
This is our new look.
Yeah, we're gonna keep it year-round, right?
Yep.
Because every day is Christmas, really, on this show.
God, I hate sweaters.
They're so hot.
Are you wearing a sweater?
I couldn't tell.
Really?
Behind the festivity.
Well, look.
It has a nose that glows.
I guess I should take these down, right?
I don't know.
It's kind of hilarious.
It is so benign.
I mean, benign?
Malignant?
Malignant?
Maligned?
Maligned?
Malaise.
Oh, God.
This is what I always say about people who use letters they don't use letters, use words they don't understand.
I've noticed now that using the number sign after the number is just a given.
That's just a fact now.
I don't do that.
It's like the word literally no longer means literally.
Eventually, when people make the same mistake enough times, it ceases to be a mistake.
Yeah.
You were a mistake, I believe, right?
A Japanese man had a one-night stand with a random Puerto Rican hairdresser.
And I'll never not be a mistake, judging by your logic.
Oh, something crazy, Rayan.
You should have been abortion.
Ray, huh?
I said I cannot raise you.
No, my mom wanted to abort me, but then my aunt, who was like kind of, she's kind of a salty aunt to me.
As I was growing up, she was kind of salty towards me.
Wow, so that's the worst of both worlds.
First, she makes you live, and then she treats you like shit.
No, no, my mom treated me great, but my, yeah, my aunt.
My aunt said, you know, you should have the kid because it'll be Asian.
It'll be cute.
She was right.
So nothing to do with Catholicism or pro-life.
No, she had three abortions before me.
Your mom did?
I think that's the number, yeah.
Whoa!
Or two.
I thought Puerto Ricans didn't abort.
It sure looks like they don't when you walk through the Bronx.
Yeah.
But she was partying.
She's like, she likes to party.
Oh, all right.
Well, you're with her today on Christmas.
I'm with my family.
And we'd like to dedicate this particular episode to the birth of Christ.
The pagans had a silly, stupid religion where they worshiped the sun and threw babies into fires because the matriarchy is far more cruel than the patriarchy could ever be.
And we said, you know what, we're going to do it just like Halloween.
We're going to take your shitty holiday and we're going to push Jesus' birth up till December 25th.
And then we'll just, you can join our thing.
That's what I love about Christmas.
So everyone's invited.
Hey, pagans, stop being pagans.
Worship Christmas.
Actually, you don't even have to worship Christ.
Just be part of Christmas.
My daughter knows a girl that's so religious, she doesn't celebrate Halloween.
I know those.
But Halloween has been subsumed by Christianity, and it's the All Saints Day is the next day.
So it was Sam Hain, the pagan thing, and then we made it ours.
Same with Christmas.
Come on in.
Non-time?
And this is why I always stress at this time of year, Jews should celebrate Christmas.
You don't need the manger.
In Canada, we call it a nativity scene.
I think here they call it like a chrism or something?
A nativity scene.
Nativity, the baby Jesus.
We call it that also.
No, here in New York, they call it like a chishm or a chrism or a chrism.
Oh, chasm?
You don't know anything, Ryan.
So don't interject if you don't know the answer.
You said ativity scene.
Nativity scene.
That's what I said.
Right.
But it has another name here.
Yeah, but you messed up nativity.
I said ativity?
Yes.
I don't think I did.
It's on the tape.
Okay, well, you folks at home can play that back.
I know you're getting kind of sick of these letters.
Ryan, could you be a doll and remove these?
Sure.
Oh, that's bad symbology, right?
Yeah, we're not collapsing Christmas.
Actually, don't turn them off.
They turn off automatically, and I have a remote for them.
These are actually in my home as we speak.
Isn't that weird?
We're playing with time.
It's also weird that I have the Scottish Tam on because the Scots aren't big fans of Christmas.
You know why?
Because they're the anti.
By the way, this is chilling at the bottom.
They're like the anti, their culture's anti.
Antifa.
So whatever the English do, the Scots do the opposite.
If English people drink Coca-Cola, they drink Pepsi.
They notice that the English are more Christian and tend to celebrate Christmas with more enthusiasm.
Okay, then we'll do New Year's Eve.
We'll call it Hogmanay.
Can you get rid of these two?
The yellow fucks up the color scheme.
It overwhelms the machines.
So they do New Year's Eve in Scotland.
That's their big thing.
Hogmanet.
And they have a Bonnie.
Which brings me to the point of this show.
Today is a special episode.
Probably won't be that long.
We're going to pretend this isn't pre-taped and we have to get back to our families.
That brings me to our first guy.
What's his name, Cinnamon?
Oh, Jerry Cinnamon.
Jerry Cinnamon.
So I want to spend this episode going over my favorite Christmas jams.
Maybe some of you are overseas.
Maybe some of you are cops who have to work this shift.
I want you to still feel the Christmas vibes.
So I'm going to share with you my favorite Christmas songs.
And I would include the Bonnie in this list.
Terry Cinnamon's the Bonnie.
The Bonnie, which I guarantee you'll spell wrong.
I did.
This is about a bonfire, but Bonnie also means pretty in Scotland.
And this feels like a Christmassy song.
Yes, it's New Year's Eve.
Some of these are going to leak into New Year's Eve.
Just a tiny bit, but it's amazing how many good Christmas jams there are.
Talking to up.
I love this guy.
Thank you to the reader who introduced us to him.
I never heard of him before.
He's opening for Liam Gallagher on this tour.
That's a song called The Pawnee, by the way.
The Pawnee
Jerry Cinnamon.
Great cam.
Anyway, so put that on your list.
Should we write all these down as we're doing them?
We could.
That sounds like it's gonna not look good though.
I'll write them down.
So that was the...
And that was the Bonnie.
Can you go back to the video for the kinks?
Because I jumped away from that.
It looked fast.
Oh, I'm sorry, I missed out on a point.
God, I look so much like my dad with this hat on.
It's evil.
It's spooky.
Spooky.
Do you know what the beast within is?
Nope.
It's a horror movie from when I was a kid, and this guy becomes invisible, rapes a woman.
He turns into a hideous monster, but they save money by making him invisible.
And then he rapes a woman, she gets pregnant, has a normal kid, but like you, turns into a piece of shit at 18.
Oh, man.
And then becomes invisible and goes and rapes someone and so on and so on and so on.
I never raped.
There he is.
That's the beast within.
He never raped.
This is, I always joke about this movie with my dad because this is how I feel.
Like we did not get along when I was a teenager.
And then in my 20s, you know, I started realizing that he wasn't as stupid as I thought he was.
As Mark Twain says, it's amazing what my father learned from when I was the age of 16 to 24.
Wow.
And now I look down and like I start using, like if I get scared, I go, oh, Jesus Christ.
Almost with a Scottish accent.
That's me becoming 49.
I am my father.
I didn't know my dad existed from the ages of 16 and 24 until the ages of...
Hey, let me ask you something.
You were kind of depressed last night.
Yeah.
Not really.
No, I was really.
Is it because you came to my house and saw my wonderful family and you had dinner with us and it was roast chicken and you saw like the normal family and you thought, I want one of those.
Well, yeah, I always do want a family, but yeah, I feel a little farther away from that becoming a reality than ever, really.
But I don't really care.
I don't get depressed.
I legitimately don't.
I was just very tired.
And then I had a you said aloud.
Nothing matters.
No, I said that in the bar.
There was the queen song on Bohemian Rhapsody.
And then he's like, nothing really matters.
And I just lean back and I just go, nothing fucking matters.
Because there's just like three people.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I misspoke.
I said that you said aloud, nothing really matters, and you were depressed.
But you pointed out that you were alone in a bar and repeated the line from the song, nothing really matters.
Not alone in a bar, and I did it as a joke.
Who were you with at the bar?
Your good friend?
Mexican sir to the left of me.
Oh, Mexican sir to the left of me.
And your other good pal?
Caucasian Mister.
Caucasian Mister.
Surrounded by your closeies, your BFFs forevs.
I don't know about forevs, but I would hope that they would.
Brian, I'm always right.
Like, I'll always say two and two is four, and you'll turn into fucking Terrence Howard.
And you say, well, no, you add one.
Like, two and two is really just one plus one plus one plus one.
It's more three plus one equals four for me.
Because you're right, but you're making it seem way worse.
Out of context.
Okay, anyway, my theory.
So, I think my family made you sad last night.
Incorrect.
Really?
The amount of work that I had to do, and I was a little overwhelmed by that.
But I got it done.
Frankly, we got it done.
It's not done.
But they don't, by the time they see this, it'll be done.
Okay, great logic.
Anyway, the other intern stone we have is I said I want Jews to celebrate Christmas.
Now, I don't mean the nativity scene, but the Jews I know in California do the presents, do the tree, do the 25th, and have the Santa.
Santa's not Jesus.
He's a Nordic.
It's based on German culture and Nordic gods, God of Thunder.
It's got a whole other trajectory that is so distant from Christianity and Judaism that it's not an issue.
I understand.
You don't want a little Jesus in your house if you're Jewish.
Get it.
That's fair.
But Santa Claus?
And by the way, he was white.
There's nothing black about Santa Claus.
Who cares?
He's fictional.
Yeah.
Well, James Bond is fictional, and he's...
He's a black woman now.
That's going to go down.
The smurfs are blue.
Why aren't the smurfs black?
Look, black Santa Fe.
Smurfs are black.
Look how black Smurfs.
I can't wait to see what pops up.
Did I ever tell you about my buddy?
He's kind of a drunk Tanner, we call him.
And he was wearing a shirt that had black Bart Simpson on it.
Oh, my God.
That's racist.
There's a lot of this.
I used to love Smurfs when I was a little kid.
The black ones?
I like the way they're drawn.
Yeah, they're very pleasant to look at.
Anyway, Tanner's on the subway on the L-train, and these two black kids come up to me and go, yo, what the fuck?
He goes, what's the problem here?
Your shirt, man.
You think you just wear that around?
And Tanner just goes like this.
Just takes the shirt off.
And that's it.
Yeah, that's the shirt he had.
I think it was Radio Rahim.
No, I think it was that one.
Yeah, I think it was that one.
He doesn't have the love and hate.
No, maybe it's not.
Radio Rahim.
Yeah, it is.
All right.
So let's go back a step now to that other jam, Father Christmas by the Kinks.
Christmas songs don't have to be gay.
I think this is one of their greatest songs.
I think this is one of their greatest songs.
Tapping better not be audible in the show.
No.
So don't make us annoyed.
Give all the toys.
To the little rich boys.
Yeah.
It's really the drum rolls that make this song.
Can we do a harmony like that?
You and I now?
Give all the toys to the little rich boys.
Damn it.
No?
Who fucked up?
I did.
Give all the toys to the little rich boys.
Fuck.
That was bad on my part.
I can't sing.
Because you said Rit.
You put Rich in there?
That's how the song goes.
Oh, okay.
Well, I messed up as well.
So usually greatest hits things start with the worst and go and get better and better.
But we just started with the greatest Christmas song of all time.
Let's blast through some more.
Oh, there's the waitresses.
I know what boys like.
I know what girls want.
You know that?
Yeah, I've heard that.
That never occurred to me as a Christmas song.
No, that's not a Christmas song, Penis Face.
Oh.
But they also do a Christmas song.
Where is it now?
God, I got some good.
Christmas rapping?
Merry Christmas.
No, I think it's called Merry Christmas, but it might be called Christmas rapping.
But wait, pause.
All bands want to have a Christmas song because once you can knock that out of the park, it's literally the gift that keeps on giving.
The royalties and all.
Yeah.
Yeah, this is it.
Turn it up, dude.
We're having a party.
Woo!
They're like from Ohio or something.
I love how kind of not hot she is.
Okay.
Bah humbug, but that's too strong Cause it is my favorite holiday But all this year's been a busy blur Don't think I have the energy To ride in my already mad rush Just cause it's Christmas season The perfect gift for me Would be complete since then The bass player's not even trying to pretend to play the bass line.
No, and she's not even singing.
They were kind of post-punk weirdos.
Like low effort.
They kind of remind me of Canadians in a way.
Where they're just kidding.
Don't people from Ohio or like Wisconsin feel Canadian in some way?
Oh yeah, we sound the same.
Oh.
Is it reasonable?
That's the good part.
The chorus.
Hailed a picture, frozen landscape Chilled this room for 24 days Evergreen, sparkling snow Yeah, Akron, Ohio.
I love women.
Like, she's just being a goofy goof.
Yeah.
And I just want to kiss her on the lips.
Weird goofers rule.
She looks like Lorraine Bracco.
Oh, dude, you know what we did?
So we finished the Irishman last night, and it was a homework assignment.
I mean, my wife and I both went downstairs and just went, ah, here we go.
And we finished our homework assignment.
Oh, smoke show.
Fuck, Italians age well, don't they?
Italians and Jews.
I don't know what it is, a Mediterranean in them.
But Colin Quinn had a great, great quote.
He goes, Irishmen is superior to goodfellas in that goodfellas cut out all the driving and checking into hotels and just left the exciting parts.
And I text that to my wife because after we watched the Irishman, which at the end I was just repeating in a mantra, shoot him, shoot him.
Like you want De Niro to die so bad so the movie will be over.
And then I put on Mean Streets after the movie was over and looked at what his face looked like when he was a young man.
Completely different.
He was a handsome young man.
He had a big pelican nose that took up 80% of his face, but he looks nothing.
Robert De Niro and the Irishman, when they have him young, looks not one iota like that.
Zero.
That's my hair, man.
By the way, you know who De Niro is.
He's a little tiny midget drama club kid with a gay poet dad who loved to dance and do art.
And because he lived near Mulberry Street with Scorsese, he saw these tough Goombas and he was a good little queer who knew how to act like them.
And then, and this happens a lot in New York, then he kind of became the guy.
This has happened numerous times in history where people who aren't that guy play that guy and then that guy takes them over.
The movie How to Get a Head in Advertising, starring Richard E. Grant, the same guys who did with Nail and I, do a movie about this sales dude who develops a tumor on his shoulder and the tumor gets bigger and bigger and then it starts talking to him.
And then it gets so big that when he goes to amputate it, they accidentally amputate the wrong tumor.
They amputate his head and the tumor takes over.
What is taking you so fucking long?
Well, I was looking up something else, but what is that?
How to get ahead in advertising, please!
I look over to screen.
He's got Withnail and I up.
Yeah, let's look at the other movie he did.
Holy fucking Jesus Lord.
By the way, Richard E. Grant got nothing for Withnail and I, nothing for this masterpiece.
Then he acts like a homo in some movie about fake letters starring Tubby McGee, Melissa McCarthy.
Oscar, you win.
I'll be through with the weekend.
You should watch this, by the way.
By the way.
My name is Barbara Simmons, and I'm a biochemist.
But at night, I'm a woman.
Rule number one, be creative in every situation.
I recommend a new product because I Make it.
What do you want?
Never lose your perspective.
Compared to this, Dandruff was a birthday present.
So is Brett.
You're raising your voice, darling.
Don't bring home your work.
You're under tremendous stress.
I know exactly what I'm doing now.
It is funny.
Follow these simple rules.
You'll soon run down and you become a ball yourself.
And you will get ahead.
So brilliant.
Why did this movie go nowhere?
It's very similar to Whipmill and I. Just pause.
My favorite.
So the tumor that is developed ends up being similar to Satan.
And they have a scene where the wife is talking to her friends.
And she's talking about how weird he's become since the operation because he's the tumor.
And she goes, he won't stop fucking me.
The other day he said he wished I had nipples on my ass.
That's hilarious.
Anyway, so that concept of the character you have taking over your personality and becoming you happened to, who the hell was I talking about?
De Niro.
De Niro.
I have two more examples.
Okay, we'll get to yours.
Don't forget them.
Put a pin in those.
So he goes like, yeah, I'm a tough guy.
Yeah, I'm a tough guy.
Yeah, I put a tough guy in Mean Streets.
That's me.
The next thing you know, he thinks he is that.
And I see through you, De Niro.
I see you as the Fae Drama Club kid all over New York.
Harvey Keitel too.
Drama Club kids.
They're little midgets.
And when these kids are Ryan's height and below, they aren't invited to play sports.
So what does a kid do?
Drama Club.
So Tom Cruise, that's why they're all midgets.
Like, you look at the Irishman.
De Niro, who's, I think, 5'4 ⁇ , is staring down at Joe Pesci.
Joe Pesci must be fucking Danny DeVito-sized.
He must be five feet tall.
Anyway, at least Joe Pesci, I don't get the feeling that he was a little drama club pussy who decided to become a tough guy.
I think he has a wise guy background to some extent.
Oh, there they are.
Look at them.
He's wearing lifts.
Oh, yeah.
I saw that picture a long time ago, and now I realize, oh, they were making the Irishman.
Yep.
That's hilarious.
Nice brothel.
The other funny thing about that movie, too, and you see that in the last picture, De Niro is like 80 years old.
So he has that 80-year-old way of walking.
Go back to that picture where he's walking.
Yeah, yeah, that's the one.
You see the one on the left with his arm up?
That happens to old man.
You see with Ben Stiller's dad, Jerry Stiller on King of Queens?
Oh, yeah.
He has this like contorted look.
So they have De Niro when he's 30 beating up a guy, but he's got his little Jerry Stiller arms, and it looks so gimpy.
It looks like T-Rex is beating up a dude.
Anyway, so De Niro is one of them.
Tupac Shakir.
Oh, yeah.
Raging queer.
Tupac the queer, his name should be.
I know David Cross's cousin Aviva went to high school with him and it was an art school where you danced and you did lots of arty stuff and had improv.
And he was doing all that and mostly focusing on dance.
I don't have a problem with that, by the way.
And he was dancing up a storm.
Then he did a movie, Juice.
And they go, what about that really effeminate dancing guy?
Can he do a tough guy?
And he's like, yo, what's up?
I'm a fucking nigger up, yo.
I'm a psycho like that.
I'm a rob you, bitch.
And everyone went, I love that.
You're like a badass, right?
And he goes, yeah.
Yeah, I'm a psycho.
I'm like a blue.
I'm a crip.
I guess I'm a crip.
Yeah, I'm a crip.
Or am I a blood?
What's the red one and what's the blue one?
Both.
I'm both.
I don't know.
I'm also the white gang.
I'm like a new gang.
I can't find one picture where his eyes aren't fruity eyes.
Yeah, he's a fruit.
I'm not saying he's literally a homosexual, but he's a fruity dude.
So that's two, De Niro.
Lou Reed.
Weirdo Little Nerd like Harmony Corin.
You know Harmony Corinne?
He never strayed from Harmony Corinne.
When he was a little kid doing kids, he had his backpack and he's like, hey guys, what's going on?
Now he's doing movies with Matthew McConaughey.
He's still like, hey, we did a weird surf movie, man.
Like, he's still the Jew nerd that he's always been, and that's sincere.
But Lou Reed, exactly the same guy as Harmony Corinne, nerdy, insecure.
He comes to New York and he's overwhelmed by the coolness.
So he starts doing heroin and then he starts wearing sunglasses at night.
Is there anything more insecure than always wearing sunglasses?
It's fucking embarrassing.
So he puts on the sunglasses, does the smack.
The smack starts giving him this, I don't give a shit, personality, man.
Hey, babe, take a walk in the wild side.
Or don't.
I don't give a shit.
I'm kind of a badass, fucking lazy dude who's totally unflappable and I'm kind of sexual too.
I'll have sex with a tranny, maybe.
Like, when I see that picture, I see a nervous Jewish kid.
Actually, if you go up to that high school photo, you can see who he really is.
Yeah.
Hi.
I'm Louis Reed.
I'm Louis Reid.
Oh, my God.
I want to come to New York, but everyone is so tough down.
They're wearing leather jackets and they're doing the punk thing with the Avon Garde.
Wait, what?
What a weird yearbook.
They just give him basically a bio instead of it.
Tall, dark-haired Lou likes basketball, music, and naturally.
We got those in our yearbook.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Wow, I guess that was an old-fashioned.
It had to be submitted by your friends.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, that makes sense.
So some people didn't have one.
Some people did.
Anyway, so that's De Niro, Tupac, Lou Reed.
Anyone else?
What were the ones you had?
Jeff Bridges became just the big Lebowski.
He's like, Zen, like, well, man, you know, you do an acting role, man.
So he became, that's how he acts, like, in, uh, Yeah, okay, I'll give you that.
I'll give you that.
And then also McConaughey.
You know.
But you don't know what he was like before.
Like that.
I'm not giving you Matthew McCaughey.
When I talk about Lou Reed and Tupac Shakir and Robert De Niro, I have background.
Well, just Jeff Bridges.
Why did you get Matt?
You don't know Matthew McConaughey.
Are you saying people act like someone in their movies?
But he doesn't really act like that, like, okay, okay, okay, guy.
Well, going back to what you said in the other show, I think he's more just self-indulgent, which comes off like.
All right.
No wonder Ryan's mailbag is the biggest flop in the history of free speech TV.
Oh, man.
Okay, you want some more jams?
There's a ton of cool jams.
Bruce Springsteen, Merry Christmas, baby.
I'm not going to put that on the list.
Too mainstream.
This isn't my super Christmas cool list.
I wish I could just send it to you.
You know?
Like email?
Or to the people?
Oh.
This is what I'm trying to do.
Spotify.
Merry Christmas, baby.
A lot of these I'm putting on the list because you want to entertain your friends, but that's not the purpose of this show.
This show is to turn you on to Christmas classics that you haven't heard of before.
What about what Christmas Means to Me by Stevie Wonder?
Oh yeah, that's a jam.
You know what you got to check out?
Stevie Wonder when he was fucking 11.
He was that hot?
Oh my God.
He was on fire.
This reminds me of it.
Maybe he was 20.
Oh yeah.
Candles burning low.
Lots of mistletoe.
Lots of snow and ice.
Everywhere we go.
Quiet singing cat.
Right outside my door.
All these things more.
All these things more.
That's what Christmas means to me, my love.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, so we got that one.
You should check out Stevie Wonder Boy Wonder.
Like, I have this album of him when he was 12, and it's almost punk rock.
The way he's jamming out.
All these things, bro.
Boy Wonder.
Oh, no, Ryan.
You're just going to get Stevie Wonder stuff.
Fucking Lord in heaven above.
So wait, what am I supposed to type in besides?
Look up, young Stevie Wonder.
Stevie Wonder Boy Wonder won't pop up?
No, when you have Wonder next to Stevie Wonder, it's going to be too much.
The album has Boy Wonder, but put Stevie Wonder 12 years old.
This is the worst Christmas ever.
You know what?
I'll find the link.
This is how we should do the show from now on.
I find the link, and then I email you the 12-year-old genius.
Sure.
Boy Wonder would have been a good title for it.
Well, he had plenty of albums when he was that young.
Now what's taking you so long?
One more, how about that?
Ladies and gentlemen, now I'm going to do a song, Okay, close that.
You actually had it up earlier.
Look up 1964 Fingertips.
Stevie Wonder.
So he's like 12.
He is certainly not 12.
How do you know?
That's not a 12 year old man.
12 year old man.
Thank you.
He's born in 1950.
That's 1963, I believe.
64.
So he's 14.
And this sucks.
Maybe go farther up into it.
I'm surprised.
So that's a jam.
Nice.
I got these, don't necessarily play these.
I'm just telling you that they're on my list.
And like Merry Christmas Babies, a good crowd pleaser.
You got your boring relatives at the house, so you play them some hits, right?
Tom Petting the Heartbreakers, Christmas All Over Again.
Prince, another Lonely Christmas.
It's not a good jam.
It's too weird.
Little Drummer Boy, Johnny Cash.
That's a really cool thing to put in your mix.
Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas.
Frank Sinatra is awesome.
Oh, here's a good jam for this show.
That's going list.
Ramones, Merry Christmas.
I don't want to fight tonight.
Merry Christmas.
I don't want to fight tonight.
I wonder what percentage of the Ramones royalty income comes from classics like this.
Is that one of the Beastie Boys?
What?
What do you think you're doing?
What?
I'm reading a Christmas Carol.
Wow, since when did you learn to write don't start with something don't stop this is every video in the 80s some jerk trying to bring you down my friend yes you're friends you're right you're right you're right because I don't know how to make friends why aren't they at their folks house if they don't have kids this is Howard Stern at his peak See
bringing Jews over.
There's Ron Coleman at my Christmas party.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, that's an awesome game.
What about this James Brown?
Please come home For Christmas.
That's not very good.
Okay, speaking of Otis Redding, I mean, speaking of Stevie Wonder, the next one to put with that is Otis Redding.
Merry Christmas, baby.
I think Otis Redding was a homosexual.
Did you know that?
I don't think, well, I don't know.
I don't think so.
No, he's too good.
Too good.
God, you're a retard.
Too good to be gay.
I regret giving you that awesome shirt.
Oh, man.
Look at Ryan's wonderful shirt.
You may have remembered this from a couple weeks ago.
Put it on.
Christmas came early.
Yeah, I met a...
I did an article about this in Vice, actually.
Edited an article.
Had this article written for my magazine.
Wherein we found this car...
Well, I can hear you.
Listen.
It's the speaker.
Yeah, turn up the speaker.
We met this carpet dude in Denmark who designed artisanal carpets, mid-century carpets, which is, you know, gay central.
And he had all this evidence that, yeah, he was Otis Redding's lover.
I think Otis Redding moved to Europe actually to be with him.
That sucks.
That doesn't suck.
I don't like that.
Okay, I think the only rap song that is good for Christmas is Christmas and Hollis.
Hollis Queens.
What did you think about Hollis Queens when you were a kid growing up?
I never knew anything about it.
I think this is the first time I've heard it.
Four minutes away?
From the Bronx?
I don't know.
Not from Co-op City, maybe.
Okay, I'm going to look it up.
What the hell is this?
Why do you got to blackify Christmas?
If I lived in Japan, I wouldn't try to Japanese holidays.
This is Whitebeard.
I'm late as it is.
Isn't this cultural appropriation?
Now stay put.
Don't go anywhere till I get back.
Cro-op City is 13 miles from Hollis Queens.
Hollis Queens is pretty darn New York.
Hollis.
Oh, yeah.
I recognize this.
Hey, why are the white kids naughty?
Oh, good.
Black people are naughty.
Everyone's naughty.
Look at that skiing.
Look at that tracking.
Wow, that's bad.
B. Davidson, like, putting the kids on the naughty list.
It looks just like that.
Thanks, man.
I know it's not too much.
after the way younger.
I picked the wallet up and then I took the board.
He stole Santa's wallet?
I left the buyer for a magic car with me.
But I never built a sentence.
Just pause.
Hey, Run DMC.
A boat like that you just showed, that's going to run you maybe 200 grand.
The car you showed is maybe 40 grand.
So we're up to 240.
You found a million in that wallet.
You're good, dude.
You got $750,000 left.
But he sent it back to Santa.
Yeah, the postman's just going to take it.
Look, it's an unwritten rule, and I'm fine with this.
In fact, I have a card in my wallet that says, if found, take all the money, and I will give you an additional $200.
I think everybody should do that right now.
Everyone, Christmas wish list.
Here's what we want you to do for Christmas.
Find any card, put it in a very noticeable spot in your wallet, like maybe above your driver's license, there's a card there that just says read this.
And then write, if found, take all the money.
I don't care if there's a thousand bucks in there, dude.
Take all the money, and I will give you an additional $200.
That's perfect.
Believe me, it's more than $200 worth of time to get your social security number back, your driver's license, all those credit cards, all that shit.
Takes forever.
And then give a number.
Call your wife's number, whatever.
That's the best idea I've ever heard.
That's the best idea you've ever heard.
Yes.
What about if we were to merge atoms and destroy them in order to, you know, create this sort of massive energy?
And the energy would equal the mass that we destroyed times the speed of light squared.
The symbols!
We got a new one.
See what I'm saying?
Cannot wait to use that in context.
Okay, what about this one?
Santa's beard, they might be giants.
I don't know if they were giants.
Each time she comes on.
Yeah, that's a good one.
They might be giants.
Once a year, my friend puts on a red suit and hangs around with me in my pie.
Now I can't help but feeling jealous each time she climbs on his knee and she stands beneath the mistletoe screaming for him to stand beneath the mist.
Okay, here's a good band that I discovered while making this list, this Christmas list for you.
And I've never really heard much about them before or since.
I think they might be Scottish.
I'll look them up.
The band is Frightened Rabbit.
And the super awesome jam I'm talking about is called It's Christmas, so we'll stop.
Oh, I remember.
I think the guy in the band died.
Scott Hutchinson.
He killed himself.
It's Christmas, so we'll start.
It's time with the lights to warm the dark.
It can cloak elsewhere.
As the rod stops for today, let the rod stop just for the day.
Only good red.
I'll pause.
So that's the singer, John Hutchinson.
He died at the age of 36.
You can tell how troubled he is just by his voice.
He's Glaswegian, another Gleskikilli.
And Hutchinson was reported missing by Scottish police and the members of Frightened Rabbit on 9th of May 2018.
He's last seen leaving a hotel.
Hutchinson had tweeted, Be good.
Be so good to everyone you love.
It's not a given.
I'm so annoyed that it's not.
I don't live by that standard and it kills me.
Please hug your loved ones.
Followed by, wait a minute.
Sorry.
Let me rephrase that.
Be so good to everyone you love.
I snow, Kevin.
I'm so annoyed that I snow.
Oh, didn't you live by that standard and it absolutely kills me?
Please hug your loved ones.
I'm away now.
Thanks.
That was the last thing they heard from him.
And then the Chief Inspector of Police of Scotland reported they were searching for the area around Forth Road Bridge in Hutchinson and were trying to contact two individuals.
Police discovered a body at 8.30 p.m. in the Port Edgar region near South Queens Ferry.
It was confirmed that it was that of Hutchison.
No immediate death was disclosed.
Reason for death.
Huh.
There are no words to describe the overwhelming sadness and pain that comes with the death of our beloved Scott.
This is a good day, by the way, to get together with people that you care about.
And if you know of someone who's alone today, give them a call.
Have them over.
They'll appreciate it to no end.
I know it's a little late.
It's Christmas Day, but we still got plenty of oohers to go and say hello to people.
See that guy you held a grudge with?
Give him a call.
I'm doing a funny accent to hide the fact that if I get too sincere here, I will cry.
Yeah, absolutely.
I can feel my eyes tearing up.
I like the fact that I could just not speak sometimes.
I get choked up pretty easy.
Or my fag.
No, but like, remember that girl at our house last year?
Her parents aren't around.
And we just called her and said, come on down.
That's very nice.
I can call her this year, though.
Well, you could.
I guess so.
She's not going to fly up, though.
But to know he is no longer suffering brings us comfort.
Reading messages of support and hope from those he has helped, blah, blah, blah.
I wonder what he did.
And then his last, last, last tweet was, I'm away now.
I'm away now.
Yeah.
Scott John Hutchison.
I'm away now, thanks, it says.
Probably heroin, right?
I mean, but if you're not found drowned, it's a suicide heroin then.
Because it says, I'm away now.
So it's like, that sounds like a goodbye.
That's suicide, man.
Or maybe suicide by heroin, but suicide nonetheless.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, suicide.
Heroin is suicide.
Truth.
It's like juggling chainsaws.
You know, something bad's going to happen.
That's true.
I can't find anything on how he did it.
Anyway, let's get back to that song now that we've added a really depressing layer to it.
And the cold will hide its face.
Now the cold's turned away.
We can be best friends with the people we hate.
Cause we've all got a lot.
And it's warmer than you think.
Yeah, it's warmer than this.
We all breathe like you better to give the least speech.
Not better than ever again So life might never get better than that It's a perfect excuse for our nature's to change and wear shiny clothes Oh, it's Christmas so it's all for you Look, I made myself cry.
Oh no!
Let's get our money's worth.
Yeah!
Let's get our money's worth.
That's the thumbnail.
Oh, okay.
You know why I cried just then?
Why?
Because I thought of people playing this song at Christmas on my recommendation.
And then two brothers who were fighting about Trump or something, something political.
And it was looking like they were never going to get over it.
And then one of them just puts his arm around the other's shoulders.
And they say, and that, they don't say anything, but that just says our relationship is more important than anything else.
Whew.
I'm talking bad.
You hug on to the day for the last few seconds you pray.
Now I'm all fucked up.
Alright, what about this one?
Withered by Wonderful Lie.
What is it called?
Withered Hand.
No, the band is Withered Hand and the song is Wonderful Lie.
They say we used to know someone who used to know someone who used to say we're in love.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I came to your house with big holes in my trousers.
We'd sit on your bed when your father allowed us to speak and you spoke to me.
But my physiognomy, you gave me away every time.
I was losing my mind in my PCQ.
I've seen you undressing.
This one isn't talking about a guy dying.
Changes everything.
All right.
That one's pretty good.
Throw that in the mix.
Jim White?
Try this one.
Jim White Christmas Day.
Jim White Christmas Day.
So this is just more like ambiance you have while you're doing the dishes.
Where in the world did you come from, my dear?
These are all super sad.
Well, that's the mix.
I'm going in a mix, right?
You're not going to play run DMC Hollis Queens after all these tear jerkers.
This is the time where you reflect.
Yeah.
I've heard this.
I don't wanna see Here's a good one.
The Decemberists, please, daddy, don't get drunk at Christmas.
Don't you think there should be a thing where you can just email a playlist to someone from Spotify?
I heard you can share your...
I know, but I think you have to be part of my club.
Because now it's saying like find friends and stuff.
You could screenshot it, and then there's an app that turns anything into a PDF.
They still have to hunt around.
Yeah, it does stink.
See what your friends are playing, find friends.
It should just be an email.
Yeah.
It should be a tiny URL I can send to someone.
If you want, I'll transcribe it and send it out.
I've already got it transcribed.
Oh, okay.
So you got the Decembrist play, Please Daddy Don't Get Drunk?
Yep.
Mama stays, As you can see, You came in, caught up.
Okay, let's do one more sad one, and then we will get fun again.
So let's try Suf Jan Stevens.
That was the worst Christmas ever.
It's not on Spotify anymore.
What?
Music I'm going to hear it for this one, but he's not related to Cat Stevens, is he?
Sometimes you'll be able to tell that when someone doesn't answer you, I think I got it.
Shoveling snow in the driveway, driveway.
Taking our shoes, riding a sled down the hillside, hillside.
Can you say what you want?
Can you say what you want to be?
Okay, so let's have some fun now.
There was a British punk band, kind of an oi band, called the Boys.
And they would record Christmas songs as the Yobbs.
A Yob is...
I don't know what the acronym stands for, but it's...
Yob etymology.
A Yob is like a soccer hooligan.
Here we have a youth, a British slang hooligan lout.
Oh, we don't see why.
What it comes from?
Hooligan Laut.
Dead End Yobs Dead End Yobs Oh, just pause.
Yob comes from boy backwards.
Oh, okay, right, right.
You're not a boy, you're a yob.
that's why the boys, the band, the boys would call themselves the Yabs for Christmas.
All right, so this one is called...
sucks so far This wouldn't be on my list if it wasn't good.
So I presume it's going to get good.
All right.
Uh, there's the whole album, so maybe this isn't the one that rules that is that link the whole album.
Um, the song is C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S like separated with dashes.
Oh, you put the wrong song on.
Okay, got it.
C is for your little clit when I go down beneath.
H is for your cubic head that stick between my teeth.
R is for your ventum.
All right, so that's the jam.
Let's try the Vandals Hang Myself from the Tree.
Another fun zinger.
What am I?
Well, he is sick.
He is sick.
Boy to the world.
Are you sure you're not playing the goddamn album again and not the goddamn song?
That's weird.
The image has a seek?
Christmas reminds me I have nothing.
That can't be the Vandals, dude.
Hang myself from the tree, the Vandals.
I know, but that's not what they sound like.
And that's not OI.
Let me see.
The Vandals hang myself from the Tree.
Almost official video.
I'm wrong.
You're right.
Oh my god.
I remember the Vandals being a much more raucous band.
Yeah, they toned it down for little Christmas songs.
Alright, don't put that on your list.
Yeah, that song sucks.
And last fun one, It's a Wonderful Life by Fishbone.
*Music* Okay, that's enough.
That's just fun to have on your list.
I was never really a big Fishbone fan.
You know, I saw them once and they said, This is a huge celebration.
Together we are celebrating heterosexuality.
And they kind of got in a bit of trouble for that, but it was just the straight pride parade.
Fishbone couldn't do that today.
They could never say such a thing.
All right, let's end this with a hit by the band called Fear.
Fuck Christmas.
Yeah.
I'm not fucking around.
That's pretty hardcore.
Ooh.
Don't despair just because it's Christmas.
Children there are so gay at Christmas.
All the children of the street hope they get so gay.
This song really blows too.
It's kind of a dirge.
Does it get better?
Jump ahead.
That's it.
There we go.
Fuck business, fuck business, fuck business, fuck business, fuck business, fuck business, fuck business, fuck business.
Damn.
We should end on a high note.
Let's pull up fear on Saturday Night Live where John Belushi had been to CBGB's in Max's Kansas City and said, I love this new thing everyone's talking about called punk.
And so he said to Lauren Michaels, hey man, can we get some punk rockers on the show?
You have all these other bands.
Let's get some punk rockers.
And he said, sure, John, whatever you want.
Okay, let's bring this band Fear.
They're from L.A. And they have a great song about how New York sucks.
New York's all right if you like rats in the subway.
New York's all right if you like saxophones.
Just pause.
And so John Joseph of the Cro-Mags was just a young teenager at the time.
I think this is 83, so he probably was 15.
And they said, bring all your punk friends and do this moshing thing that you talk about.
And don't play it small.
I want full-on anarchy chaos.
Like, let's destroy the place.
That's what Jim Belushi said to John Joseph.
And John Joseph said, careful what you wish for, dude.
And they totally trashed NBC Studios.
They called the cops.
The police came.
They were running down the fire escapes, escaping from cops.
It was, sounds like one of the funnest nights in history.
And I'll tell you what, if I get a time machine, I know I'm supposed to kill Hitler, but I think I'd rather go to this.
Is that bad?
That I'd rather be at the funnest concert ever than murdering babies?
Yes.
They look very frightening, but they're really very nice.
Our Halloween, I guess.
And by the way, tonight, look out for surprises.
Ladies and gentlemen, fia!
Yeah, they look really scary.
Yeah.
I think Ian McKay is there for Minor Threat.
*Cheering*
Way heavy on the stage diving back then.
Oh, shit all night.
Beep, beep, beep.
Beep, beep, beep.
That's not New York's all right.
There's probably two performances.
This is a five-minute thing.
New York's all right.
Hey!
Right there, they're making fun of us for having saxophones in all our songs.
Is that why it was like doo-wopping in the front?
Yeah.
This is an anti-New York song.
You became a successful actor leaving.
All right, that's enough.
Leaving.
Anyway, folks, you got a lot out of us today.
We cried thinking about you and your family, particularly your relationship with your brother.
I don't know why that was so emotional, but when we're listening to a man who killed himself after making a bunch of sad songs, we think either Scotland really sucks or you're a troubled individual that is indicative of the huge suicide problem we have in this country, especially among middle-aged white men like me, dads.
I'm not that sad.
No sad dad?
Today, I'm not a sad dad.
But today is about your family.
It's about relaxing.
These are some good jams.
I'm going to somehow manage to get the whole list on this site.
I'm not sure how I'm going to do that without transcribing everything.
A little disappointed in Spotify for not making it easier.
But relax, have some fun.
Don't get too wasted.
And please don't fight.
It's Christmas.
I don't want to fight tonight.
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