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Dec. 24, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:02:36
S02E103 - KTB
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Time Text
It was the night before years of north motherfucking projects that I had nothing but silence.
Yo, what's up?
That was Cold World by Gizza, an inspector deck.
Two of my brothers from New York, Staten Island, Chaolin.
Yo, what's Staten Island?
What's the black experience like in Staten Island?
Riding boats.
Ferries.
Again, that is coming up on Christmas Day.
We will be debuting all our favorite Christmas songs, which we'd love you to get involved in and play for your family.
That is one of the few rap ones.
There's not a lot of rap Christmas songs.
There's Run DMC Hollis Queens.
There's an Inspected Deck.
Have I got more here?
It's not a very rappy holiday.
It's more like hum, hum.
The only rapping you're doing is your presents.
What else is there?
I got any more rap?
Stevie Wonder's not rap.
No.
Christmas rap song.
Christmas rap.
I feel like Will Smith has like two songs that are.
These are all good songs, though.
What about KT Turnstall?
*Music*
That was KT Turnstall doing that hit.
I thought that was Jombi from Pee Wee's Playoff.
Jombi says, Meka Lekahai Mekahai Niho.
The popular Bing Crosby Christmas song says joy to the world or something in Hawaiian, which is pronounced Mele Kalekimaka.
Okay?
Yes.
Katie Turnstall's effing hot.
Let me see.
Let me see.
Katie Turnstall.
Look her up.
She likes horses.
She likes whores.
And cherry trees.
That's my type.
With the big red horse and the cherry tree.
Dictionary deaf.
That's my type.
What's up, my type?
All right, she looked kind of old in that one.
My type.
Hi.
Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
I think her next album is called Gavin McInnis's Type.
Uh-oh, she's getting older.
Yeah, that happens.
Do you know who looks exactly like her?
Who's one of the hottest women in the world?
What the hell's her name?
KT.
She's a Vice.
She worked at Vice after I left.
She's like a music show host.
She looks exactly like that.
Dang, man.
What the hell's her name, man?
That's going to bug me all show.
Anyway, play a little bit of that.
KT Trunstell.
Melly, M-E-L-E, and then Kali Kimaka.
Okay.
Kali Kimaka.
Melly Kimaka.
I'm going to go through a bunch of old letters this show, but I just wanted to catch up on that.
Is it a video of her being pretty?
No, fortunately not.
Maybe jump ahead a little bit there.
Nice.
Have you ever spent Christmas in like a hot place where the where it wasn't like winter weather?
I feel like that would stink.
That's the island greeting that they send to you From the land we're apart Does Christmas feel less special in Canada when it's like snowy a lot of the times?
No, because snow is kind of like a little seasonal bonus.
But if it's always that season, then it feels like less special, I guess.
No.
In fact, there's more buildup.
In New York, it often doesn't snow at all at Christmas.
That's no fun.
But upstate New York, it does, which is pretty sick.
Oh, God, that's going to bug me out, that chick's name.
I want to say Kimbra Perkins, Katie something.
She's a brunette.
She used to work at street carnage.
My sight.
She had an abusive father.
She's half Asian, but doesn't look it.
Fuck.
Alright, let's not waste everyone's time.
UK.
Music.
German.
She's like dating guys in bands.
Shit balls.
Alright, it'll come to me later.
Kimber Perkins?
Pinky Carnage.
That is a bummer, huh?
What is?
We can't discover this person.
You know what else is a real bummer?
The heat of these sweaters.
I'm dying over here.
It's a little hot.
Little bit hot.
Little bit hot.
Alright, let's do what.
That's not her, right?
No, that's just a Oh, is there a contributors, though?
I probably took her down.
Uh, about Bennett.
God, KT Bennett, Kim Taylor Bennett.
Nice.
This one might be a 10, boys.
Look her up in Google Image.
Imaging Google.
Looking.
I mean, what a effing smoke show.
Is that a Hawaiian?
No, she does have a Hawaiian vibe, and she's British, and she's funny and charming and a good dresser.
Uh-oh.
I just realized when I last corresponded with her, it would have been like 2009.
That was 10 years ago.
She met Nelly.
Let's look her up.
Look at that picture of her on her belly on the bed with Chuck Taylor's on.
Can you see that one?
How can you have a different Google image than me?
Well, I'm using Brave.
I'm using Brave too.
What the f ⁇ ?
I only use Brave.
Kim Taylor Bennett?
Yep.
Huh.
Should be one of the first ones that pops up.
Anyway, let's do video of her.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Yeah, that one.
Wife alert!
You know what happened?
You date the girl on the top.
No, go back.
You'd date the girl on the top and you'd be like, I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
Holy shit, I found the one.
And then she goes, oh, you got to meet my friend Kim.
She's going to be over on Thursday.
And then Kim shows up and you go, oh, I have to kill myself now.
Go back.
I could look at that picture for hours.
Ladies, you don't need stilettos.
Like a skirt and a denim shirt with white chucks.
You could wear that to the Academy Awards.
You could wear that to our wedding.
But anyway, so you go, all right, well, she's probably vapid and she says like way too much and she doesn't know anything and she uses a word like atrocious to try to sound smarter than she is.
So she's not that great, Gavin.
Oh, really?
Let's look at Kim Taylor Bennett on the inside.
And I'm not speaking gynecologically.
So look up Kim Taylor Bennett and then hit videos.
Maybe she's Kate.
Is she KT Bennett?
That would make more sense.
No, she's not.
She's Kim Taylor Bennett.
So I am here outside Earl's Court.
Within is a hive of activity.
Yes, that's a few hours before the Brits begins, and there's artists sound checking, people having their hair and makeup done.
I've spied Lady Gaga.
You've got to put it in quotes or you get Kim Kardashian and all kinds of other crap.
Okay.
Baby metal?
What the hell's going on here?
Oh, that sucks.
It sucks when someone has the same name and they take over the thing.
We apologize for the mess.
Don't adjust your sets.
Musicology's owner, sewage.
And you know, when you're this hot, you kind of avoid being HD cameras.
Oh, there we go.
Everything.
Okay, this is actually compared music that rips off other music.
And by the by, happy day!
Yep, it's 2010.
Welcome to the future.
2020.
Breaking the technological agenda.
This was 10 years ago.
You know what I bet happened?
Genius level 2010.
I bet she got married.
By the way, stop this.
This is not funny at all.
I bet she got married and her.
She's a senior producer at Spotify for Artists.
I bet she got married and her boyfriend rightfully, or her husband rightfully realized that she is lusted by everyone in the universe.
So she shut down all her stuff.
Oh, here's one from September.
Go check out her Twitter, The KTB.
Can you tell me a little bit about Ryan Gosling, and you can tell he's just like, why don't I dump Eva Mendez and just take this woman away?
Can you tell me a little bit about your character and what it was like to inhabit the role and how you played it?
Oh, is she getting older?
Are you and Ridley still arguing over whether Deckard is a replicant or not?
No.
No, we're not.
Really?
No.
I heard that you guys were still debating even after all these years.
But she was British.
So which isn't?
She is.
Oh, I can't.
I can't.
She's hiding that pretty.
God damn it, Harrison.
Why not?
Because then that question will go away and people will not have that pleasure of debating it.
Okay.
Do you feel optimistic about the future of mankind?
I'll see you in the next one.
I'll see you in the next one.
What a catch, huh?
She's really disarming.
That's her power in interviews, I would suspect.
I think sometimes it can be a curse being that charming and pretty.
Because you just get nothing from.
Yeah.
Well, also, like every single human male in the world wants to fuck you.
Whether he's a 90-year-old man crossing the fields like, I wouldn't mind sucking a tit if I could just grab one tit, please, lady.
Little babies.
That's my new mommy.
I want you to be my mommy.
I don't understand these desires.
So that must get harrowing when you're like, I'm actually a music journalist and I have a lot to offer the world.
But I'll tell you what, there was another time when it was a real curse.
And what's her name won't let me do any coverage of this.
I want to interview her and do a whole new documentary.
What's the girl?
Megan Nurenger.
So she's a very pretty young lady, but her mother was an insane effing smoke show Jewish chick who looked exactly like Kim Taylor Bennett, right?
You can kind of tell that the mother could be an unspeakable smoke bomb just by her cheekbones and everything, right?
Megan's very hot, but like it doesn't ruin lives.
And she loves her pizza pies.
By the way, feminism ate her up and spat her out, and she doesn't cavort with me anymore because I'm a Trumper, but she secretly agrees with me that I was right all along when I said you need to settle down.
What's that?
Is that her tits out?
It's just a leaked nude.
Oh, we won't show that.
What kind of dick leaks a nude?
I just looked up her mother.
That's all I typed was her name and mother, and then that came up.
Well, you're never going to get her mother.
But anyway, here's a story that she won't Make public.
But her mother was insanely hot, like Kim Taylor Bennett hot.
And this is in the 60s and early 70s when swinging was big and sexism was still strong.
So you could grab a woman's ass.
And by the way, when I deny that sexism and racism exist, I'm obviously not talking about the 50s and the 60s and even the early 70s.
I'm talking about the 80s and up.
So I'll give you anything you want from 70s and down.
Anything.
And so all the husbands wanted to fuck her, Megan's mom.
And that wouldn't happen today in 2019.
There isn't swinging and key parties the way there was in even the 80s.
Like the idea that I would recommend wife swapping to anyone in my suburb would be, it would be hilarious.
They'd laugh their heads off.
That's a funny joke.
Is that like a reality show or something?
But it was plausible back then.
So when a husband who was arrogant enough to think he can fuck her is hitting on her, then that makes everyone uncomfortable.
It makes the husband uncomfortable, the one who's married to her.
And it makes that guy's wife, the one doing the hitting, hate her for being a homewrecker.
So she was a pariah.
And she was really depressed.
And everyone hated her guts.
She was like the elephant man of hotness.
That's bad.
So, ugly people like me, we can find solace in the fact that not everyone wants to fuck us.
And nobody hates the fact that we are constantly lusted.
When somebody likes you, you're like, you must really like me.
Yeah.
When someone wants to bone me, I go, well, you must be really familiar with my work and like it a lot more than what your eyeballs say.
All right, should we get into letters?
Ready for that?
We've already drooled enough on girls half our age.
Sure, sure.
So we want to do the bail big?
Shy, shy.
Hush, hush.
I love it.
Eye to eye.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
This one's from Rob.
Am I crazy or is this dude literally Ryan with tattoos and a Xanax addiction?
Maybe she's we're about to see the rapper baby Yoda.
Maybe it's just the mop hair and racial ambiguity, but it always trips me out whenever I watch the show or this dude's videos.
And then he brings us to a guy named Drippin'So Pretty.
Oh, you guys found my...
What's the matter?
You can't find it?
Why'd that take you so long?
I was getting all three videos queued up.
Don't do that.
We're not going to watch all three videos.
Charlie Shuffler.
A little.
That doesn't look anything like you.
I see some eye things going on there, but yeah, it's not me at all.
God, dude, neck tattoos on a young man?
Are you an MS-13?
That's my hair.
That's such a bad look.
Alright, what's the next one?
The next video, I mean.
It is this...
It's weird when people say...
And that is close.
Some guy with a beard.
Imagine I've made this type of music?
I don't mind it.
Hallelujah.
AK, if I fucking kept up with the times at all, I make my Acousti songs and my covers of Who's Watching Me.
We were sampling Blink 182.
I'm not seeing it.
That was a retarded letter, sir.
By the way, I just found a recent picture of Kim Taylor Bennett, and she has aged insanely well.
Is it this one?
Nope.
That one, she has a beard.
If you go to her Twitter, she's on October 30th, she was talking about interviewing Craig David.
Oh, Craig David.
Yeah, he's cool.
Look at her.
So she must be like 34 now.
She better be having fucking kids.
That'd be funny if we sued her for not having kids.
On behalf of humanity, we want you making more of you.
So I guess my son Johnny would be old enough to date your baby in 18 years.
And you're ruining that.
And you're taking that away from him.
True.
See you in court, bitch.
For preventing life.
Yeah.
Yeah.
For all the shitty people that have kids.
Every time I meet someone who didn't have kids, I always think, fuck, you would have been such a great parent.
Yeah.
It's always the way.
Like Anthony Cumia.
Uh-oh.
Of course, I just ruined her for me.
She tweeted out a picture of Greta Thunberg glaring at Trump, and she wrote, the fury in her eyes with a fire emoji.
And KTB is wrecked.
Why is everyone ruining themselves?
Like even De Niro.
I didn't hate him before he started talking about politics.
All right, so that's enough of that.
Next letter, Ladybug.
Naked Attraction isn't just on Pornhub, it is also on YouTube.
And then she sends me a YouTube link of the show Naked Attraction where the video is unavailable.
So, lady, nudity isn't allowed on YouTube.
Doi.
Gynecological stuff is.
There's a lot of ways around it.
There's waxing tutorials and stuff.
Okay, this is from a man named Daniel Krivenchko.
Hi, Gavin.
Watching yesterday's show, November 19th, I realized you've gone full boomer.
That is an insult.
That means you're old and out of touch.
It's so boomer of me to explain what boomer means.
Roosh V has done a complete 180 from what he used to do and is worth interviewing.
Crazy change in that man's life.
Dr. E. Michael Jones is basically your dad.
If he was Catholic and Irish.
Is this this fucking old bald guy that everyone talks about?
Is this this Dr. E. Michael?
Yes.
Jesus Lord.
Michael Smith or Jones?
You know those TradCons, America First dudes?
Yeah, they put him on.
They're obsessed with him.
Obsessed.
He's like their new.
He's their Jordan Peterson.
So I have to follow him too.
He's basically your dad.
Definitely someone you need to read or watch.
I get this on a daily basis, by the way.
People telling me I need to watch Dr. E. Michael Jones.
Because, of course, no one reads.
So every time that you argue with someone, especially people that are not boomers, and they discuss their argument, it's never a study or a well-researched, peer-reviewed article.
It's always like a fucking YouTube video.
Guys, all you do is sit and watch docs.
He retweeted you or when you mentioned him, he was like...
Pick up one of my books.
He's right.
Or something like that.
Who said this?
Is it E. Michael Jones?
Dr. E. Michael Jones.
Dr. E. Michael Jones retweeted me?
Yeah, or something with a...
Yeah, let me see.
What are you talking about, Ryan?
Oh, no, no.
Well, our company.
Our company Twitter.
Or somebody put up the clip of you talking about the new right versus trad right.
And he had something to say about it, and I'm looking for it.
Okay, thank you for that.
You completely misunderstand the right civil war.
The issue is between conserving family values and Christian morals versus being a global homo internationalist.
The actual conservatives want Americans to know that America can still be a place where sodomites aren't worshipped, where having a Christian family is possible, and where we can protect our physical borders.
By the way, I guarantee you that this guy preaching to me does not have a Christian family.
And I do.
The global homo crowd preaches that America isn't a real place and our borders shouldn't matter because America is just an idea.
Now, shit for brains.
If you were to go back to that picture, the ones on the other side are not for open borders.
Even Charlie Kirk, who's probably the most open bordersy guy, wait, what did that tweet say?
Said, well, there's a first.
I've just been informed I'm the nuclear weapon of the Trad Right.
He is right about my books, though.
You should probably pick one up, and then he puts one there.
Link there.
Yeah, it's benign.
Yeah, so play some more of that, that video that shows the other half.
Jordan B. Peterson of the Trad Right.
They all, everyone has to talk to him.
Everyone has to read his books.
They're really, it's sort of like in L.A. when you talk to people about politics and they go, you should be on Bill Maher.
You should talk to Bill Maher.
He's like their nuclear weapon.
And this is the Trad Right's nuclear weapon.
What's this guy's name?
Okay, so the other half of that tweet, I guess we don't have it, featured Charlie Kirk and Dave Rubin and a bunch of other people.
Yes, some of them are gay.
Yes, most of them don't really care about gay marriage.
They're not fucking open borders globalists.
They don't talk about America as just an idea.
Maybe they do.
Thank you, my time.
And then he sends me a link and says, skip to 2616.
Are you on this email?
Okay.
The fuck is telling us that our military boys and girls are not dying for our homes and family, but for some idea that came from Israel.
There's nothing American about that.
Also, what the fuck are these neocons conserved?
The right is now pro-sodomy, pro-abortion, pro-war, pro- Slow it down, dude.
Slow it down.
Let's go back to my original tweet that had the trad cons versus the new right.
Trad right.
Remember that one?
Yep.
This is going to take a tiny bit of research, folks.
So try to find that trad right versus new right thing.
Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.
But this, I understand what you're saying, that a lot of right-wingers have given up and are now doing this like pro-abortion shit.
That's very rare, and it's not in the people that were listed in that.
Okay, so that's the trad right, right?
Now, his contention in this letter we just read is the next group we're about to see are pro-gay, open borders, sodomites.
They want drag queen story hour and all kinds of shit like that.
Let's hurry up and get to them.
I looked it up and I went, no, she said, hi, I'm Al Gold.
All right.
So none of these people want open borders.
Most of them don't have a problem with homosexuals.
None of these people are pro-abortion.
Ben Shapiro won't shut up about pro-life values.
All of these people are pro-life, by the way.
So your beef here is that like the black guy in the top is gay.
Ooh.
Or Dave Rubin is gay.
They're not like gallivanting sodomites that demand that you have sex with every dude that moves.
Wait, did I lose the letter already?
Sodomites.
Sodomites, big bear.
Big bear, why are you talking to sodomite?
He's literally a Jew.
He does drop the J-bomb sometimes.
Okay, I've lost this letter.
Well, I got the link for this thing.
Do we want to look at that video?
2616 timestamp, Mark?
Yes.
This idea of dual loyalty.
I have loyalty to ideas.
And of course, I love the Grand Canyon.
I love the Rocky Mountains.
And I love Boston.
I love Chicago.
But if all that disappeared and all I had was ideas and we were on an island, that's America.
That's Israel.
And that's what people have to realize.
No, no, no.
Just pause.
He's saying that like Israel is an idea, America is an idea in that it's Western values and Christianity and the hard work and grit and toil and mobility and revolutions and wars that brought this place here.
This sounds like semantics.
He's not saying that Israel created fucking America.
We're not anti-Semitic.
We're anti-semantics.
We're playing into...
We're really playing into...
We're really playing into the left hands with this, you know, starting a civil war over semantics.
Is it civil war or bickering?
And neocons, the people in that list, the second list with Dave Rubin and stuff, are not neocons.
Neocons is like Paul Wolfowitz.
It's like all of GW's cabinet.
None of the people on either side of that civil war support neocons.
And yeah, Charlie Kirk said that we should give green cards to every student who graduates from college on a student visa.
He changed his mind about that.
That's not the end of the world.
The right is now pro-sodomy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
The fuck we need those fags in our party if they just throw all our values away and tell us we are racist.
If America was an idea, why the fuck does everyone actually come to this country?
Sit in your shitty countries and embrace the America idea in your homelands.
Yeah, you should do that.
Charlie Kirk Kraut are all fucking sellouts.
Everyone who's on Kirk's side is funded.
Everyone on Nick's side is self-made.
How do you not see that?
It's the sellouts versus the organic right.
It's from a guy named Dan.
They aren't angry.
But I think he does have a point, though.
And the point is there's an argument here within the Civil War.
And that was too hyperbolic to nail it.
But it basically is, and it was actually phrased quite well by that question that said, how does anal sex help our movement?
And I met with guys who are about promoting traditional family values, and they said that gay marriage, the right-embracing gay marriage, killed a big part of Republican votes, and it seriously damaged the conservative movement.
And I was one of the pro-gay marriage guys because I thought, you're trying to be traditional.
You're trying to be normal.
You're trying to preserve or at least mimic Playhouse with the sense of Western identity.
But I was duped.
And gay marriage is turning out to be more about bullying Catholics and bullying Christians than two people madly in love.
Their divorce rate is shit.
They're having big problems with monogamy.
Very few of them are adopting.
I don't really think they wanted to get married for marriage's sake.
Now, as far as Israel goes, the argument that we shouldn't be fighting their wars, yeah, I agree, that we shouldn't be fighting barely any wars abroad.
I'm an isolationist.
I don't want our boys over there.
That doesn't mean you're pro-Israel, per se.
But secondly, the other problem with Israel, they say, is $3.4 billion a year.
I've met a ton of Israelis that don't want that money.
They say we're a thriving company.
We're a thriving country.
We have all kinds of medical technology, inventions that can easily handle our GDP.
We don't like the animosity that comes from this donation.
Stop sending it to us.
So Israelis are not the bad guys.
Okay, let's talk to John.
So just to get back to Daniel here, he's right about a lot of stuff.
He's mischaracterized the people on the right side of that thing, but I can't deny who I am, and I'm a guy who doesn't give a shit who's gay.
I also have a pretty hedonist past.
I want people to be traditional and sow their wild oats as soon as possible and put a ring on it, but it's not a deal breaker for me.
And I've noticed that you, the guy who's chastising me for being a hedonist and not supporting Christian family values, don't have a Christian family.
So maybe focus on putting a ring on it and making babies before you chastise me for not being a Christian family man enough.
See what I'm saying?
Wait a minute.
I've already misremembered that.
I thought his hands were out.
See what I'm saying?
Oh, they are.
They are.
They are.
It's not on a doorknob.
Few.
Few, yeah.
Close one.
This one's from John.
Hi, Gavin and Ryan.
There is a special kind of fuck you that Gavin has employed in the past few episodes, and it is awesome.
It is, to coin a phrase, empowering.
It is the same kind of fuck you you hear in the Breitbart clip from Jack Pesobic.
You're going to call us racist?
You're going to call us potential Timothy McVays?
Fuck you.
This is the fuck you heard around the world.
Doesn't he say war?
Pesobic?
It's not Pesobic.
It's Andrew Breitbart.
You have headphones on your head that are telling you my words into your actual, directly into your earholes, and you get them wrong.
You just said Pesobic.
It's the same kind of fuck you you hear in the Andrew Breitbart clip from Jack Pesobic.
I'm sorry.
Put that up again.
That's a real fist pumper.
Andrew Beitbart war.
Why'd I call him Breitbart?
There were so many crazy theories after he died of a heart attack.
My personal conspiracy theory is he died of a heart attack because he was stressed out about his marriage and he was being sued.
By that black lady who he caught saying racist shit.
You're going all the way down to Jack Pisobic's Twitter?
This is probably better.
So you're just going to scroll through all of his tweets ever?
Well, I remember around, it was the beginning of this month or the end of October or something.
So you just do his Twitter handle in the search bar, and then you write also the word Breitbart.
You ever think of that?
*Sigh*
Take an accusation of white nationalism.
Everyone should side with the segregationist against a white nationalist in the common cause against so-called repatriation of non-whites.
Everyone should side with a segregationist against a white nationalist.
Isn't a segregationist the same as a white nationalist?
In the common cause against so-called repatriation of non-whites.
And yet more extreme is a white supremacist.
And still more extreme the notion of Rassenkampf.
And further and further to the extremes.
Holocaust denial exists, don't forget, because of a desire to distance Nazism from ethnic cleansing.
And so, an accusation of Nazism passes the albino skateboarders on the inside lane and moves straight to hemophiliac tattoo models.
He's saying Nazis are the rarest of the rare, I guess.
We live in a generation of extremists because of an accusation of Nazism or even the threat of association, Anyone who can stomach the nod and the wink is an extremist position.
Jesus, that was a complicated read, dude.
What a pile of alphabet soup that was.
You can't search.
Can you not find it?
What?
Yeah, like if you're on Twitter.
Not in Twitter!
In Google!
Yeah, I did that.
That's how I got to it.
Okay, what's Jack?
Watch how fast I fucking do this.
What's Jack Pesobic's Twitter handle?
I'm not going to tell you because you're not very nice.
Okay, no problem.
It's at Jack Pesobic.
So we just spell his name and then it comes up.
At Jack Posobiic.
Then we go Bright Bart.
And then we go over to B. All the people that have gone out there against the mainstream media and said, you're going to call us racist?
You're going to call us potential Timothy McVays?
Fuck you.
War.
Wow.
I want to make that my alarm clock.
I should put that on the board.
Yeah.
That's a good point.
Although, the problem is the reason that war has so much impact is because of the intro.
But you know what?
I think you could just take it from after the fuck you and have the pause there.
The long pause.
The long pause and then war.
Yeah, that's a keeper.
Benjamin.
Hi, Gavin and Retard.
I saw on Twitter that a school is allowing trans students to use the girls' locker room.
Isn't it funny, by the way, how women want to use our bathrooms?
My shits are so bad.
When I was on vacation on Thanksgiving, for some reason, some female cleaning lady came into the men's washroom, not at five in the morning, but like in the middle of the day.
So I'd been kicked out of our hotel room because my shits reek up the whole room.
So I had to go down to the lobby.
I'm having one of my death shits that like singe your nostril hairs.
And I hear a woman come in.
She's like, oh, sorry.
Okay.
I'll be outside.
So I guess she thought no one was in and that she saw someone coming out.
And then the two seconds that she's into my bathroom, she steps foot in.
I can hear her go, ah!
She was dry heaving from my shits.
Now, you ladies want genderless bathrooms.
Do you have any idea what you're wishing for?
Do you know how brutal it gets in there with us?
One time my friend Steve, he was super baked at Montreal at the Rivolo.
Anyway, Rialto.
And he goes in there and he goes into the washroom and he's having an explosive diarrhea.
It's one of those ones that's really loud and seems to be saying the words florpidopoulos.
Florpodopolis.
Florpodopolis.
It's falling out like so many, it's toppling out like so many fallen soldiers.
Like so many.
And so he's so baked, he starts laughing.
He's like, oh, whoa, we got a live one.
He's kind of disappointed that the other guys aren't laughing because there's some really explosive stuff happening there, like prack, prack, prack.
And he's laughing his head off, dying, but a little hurt.
He comes out of the stall.
He didn't realize that he'd run into the woman's bathroom.
Oh, no.
And there's all these girls putting lipstick on, completely fucking mortified that he was basically chopping up a human body in the bathroom with hack sauce.
They'd prefer that, I'm sure.
And you want that?
Okay.
I'm married.
I don't care.
I'm all in.
Obviously, this is an attempt to manufacture a situation where a protective boyfriend, brother, et cetera, kicks the ass of a pervert playing dress up and use it to push the narrative that hate is on the rise in Trump's America.
That's an interesting angle.
You catch that?
So he's saying that they're doing this stupid shit so they can be victimized.
To provoke a fight.
Yeah, yeah.
And then when there's the fight, they go, see, trans are under attack.
I don't know if I agree with that.
I think you're giving them too much credit.
That's psyops.
They're not that Machiavellian.
They're just like, trans people, how can I bug everyone?
I can't make a trans bedroom mandatory, but everyone needs a bathroom.
I'm going to make a trans bathroom.
That's it.
Just, I'm going to make people do stuff for me.
Why does the left think it's acceptable to put women in danger like this?
Yes, that's a great question.
And it's not just women, children.
P.S. Ryan, for fuck's sake, point your toes and stop fucking up so much.
Point my toes?
It's an inside joke from my show that you apparently don't watch.
I passed.
Oh, that's a tip for your son for baseball.
Yeah, it passed.
It passed.
I'm really hoping they vote for it.
It's definitely going to be a step forward in progress.
Wait, just go back.
Look at that clown with the ginger beard, the fake jawline made of hair holding a trans flag.
What kind of a useless boob is that guy?
Wait a minute.
He's got an AIDS ribbon?
So he's just a useless fat gay who's decided to impose this on everyone.
Are UFG?
Really excited if they vote for it.
Nova Mede.
I'm a little bit nervous, though, as always, just you never know.
That's just Billy Guilish.
Can you pause here?
The other subtext of all this is nerds.
Nerds.
Nerds want to be part of the cool crowd.
They're sick of being ugly and uninvited to things.
And you can see this guy's face.
You can see the nerd that lies underneath the purple hair.
And these guys have been at the back of the line for so long.
Because they deserve to be, because they suck.
They want to be part of the in-crowd.
So they go, okay, I'll become an activist.
And then the camera's on me.
And everyone's talking about me and looking at me.
Now I matter.
And you saw this with UCB.
Remember, this was a couple years ago now, where Upright Citizens Brigade had a sheet that had been made by people who look exactly like him.
And it was the rules For trans comedy.
So, if you want to play a trans character, a woman can't play a man playing a woman.
And it was all these dumb parameters like that.
And the guy who snuck it out to me said that he saw the people, he knows the people who put this list together.
And then these ugly fat losers that aren't, I mean, whatever we say about improv and all that corny drama crap, improv is pretty hard.
Oh, nice job.
You found it.
So the big fat losers responsible for this have never really done improv or comedy, but they want to be part of the comedy club scene.
So they become the joke police.
And now, at least I'm part of the process.
Now people have to come to me and ask me if they can do jokes.
Can a cis woman play a cis man and vice versa?
Yes.
So long as it isn't a joke.
What?
i.e., cis man in women's clothing looks odd for a woman.
Man in a dress is a comedy trope that's transphobic.
Monty Python and SNL do a bad job.
Kids in the Hall did a great job.
Says who?
What kind of arbitrary line is that to draw?
Comedy is objective.
How was Monty Python's females different than Kids in the Hall's females?
Kids in the Hall's females were equally absurd, and they had those silly high voices of like, hello, I'm a lady.
Right.
This is who wrote it, by the way.
Chloe Koser.
You see?
Wait, what's the matter with that?
You see what I'm screaming?
Chloe doesn't do boys.
Yeah.
So some grumpy lesbian, assuming that's a cis woman, is writing all these rules, policing jokes.
And here's the problem with that.
5% of the population is funny at best.
1% of those are girls.
4% of them are men.
So 1% of the population is funny chicks.
Now you're enforcing all these rules and you're fucking with that tiny percent.
So now it's even less.
It's almost like you said, everyone in the NBA has to have a tattoo that says, black people suck.
You're going to lose a hell of a lot of really good players with this bizarre rule.
This is the boss of comic.
When I told them I was a communist, they said takes all of them.
Oh, I didn't know that.
I thought it was a real woman.
So wait a minute.
Chloe Koser says I don't do boys, which means she does girls, which means this is just a straight dude with long hair.
When I told them I was trans, they just said gender is a construct.
But they closed their door to me after I uttered those terrible words.
Remember the what?
Students, welcome to your first day at Fullminster Elementary, the world's most prestigious and difficult kindergarten.
You will not be coddled here.
Although if you need to use the restroom, just raise your hand for a piddle pass.
Look to your left.
Now look to your right.
By the end of the year, half of you will understand fractions.
Hello, I am Shelly, the tortoise who beat the hare.
Your list, I am now accepting questions.
How does it feel to win?
Well, I've been alive for 300 years.
Uh, I'm an introvert.
Uh, that means that I really just like I stay at home.
I am an introvert.
Who do you want on your side?
Some nerd from Penn State tapping his pen on the table from my claw.
Uh, everybody alright?
Roll call?
Anybody there?
That guy, uh...
I'm blinking more than Prince Andrew when he was asked if he ever had sex with a 12-year-old.
I would rather be on the Liliat Express than watch that again.
I like to be hyperbolic on this show, and sometimes to get the drama going, I might even make a bad situation seem worse.
That is way worse than I could have ever imagined it would be.
Oh.
I am.
I don't think you gave it a chance, dude.
I am dumbfounded.
I'm awestruck.
My mouth is agog.
Wonderful day for a picnic.
I'll say the sun is shining.
The food is amazing.
I'm with my favorite person in the world.
Oh, nothing could ruin me.
You know, pause, you know why a lot of gay culture sucks?
Because their priority is not meritocracy.
Their priority is making everyone feel good.
So if that guy really wants to be the lead, he's the lead.
So just to be clear here, this weird straight guy with long hair who wears a dress, that guy on the left, who's just really an ugly nerd who couldn't get laid, so he became trans to give himself some sort of identity, he's policing jokes.
He's the one who handles what's what.
And by the way, by the way, man in a dress trope is unfunny.
He's a man in a dress.
Yeah.
And he's unfunny.
Maybe they'll go away.
Oh, no, but it needs to.
Is that cantaloupe?
It's my favorite.
You know what?
None for me.
I'll just nibble on yours.
Oh!
Candelou!
I'll just have a nibble!
Oh my god, they're all over the food.
It's ruined!
Oh my god.
Just pause.
I think this is a pun.
Oh, it is a pun.
Ants at a picnic.
Ah, I see.
Like, that's a children's book level of humor.
Yeah.
A little children's book, like a five-year-old ants at a picnic would be something you'd read in a little kid's book.
Wait, don't stop it.
I thought you weren't sold on that one, so I clicked car keys.
Not sold?
I'm in hell.
This one's really good.
Car keys?
Car keys.
This is the person policing jokes at UCB.
The hottie on the left.
Retracing marstage.
Okay, okay, okay, cool.
That's smart.
That's smart.
Make sure you don't just have a man in a dress.
It's an old trope.
Kids in the hall did it right.
This is how to act and be funny.
I'm the joke police.
Good, I hope you get sick from that.
did you get sicker Oh, dude.
I gotta admit, this is pretty funny.
This isn't juvenile at all.
This isn't just fucking self-indulgent garbage that a little kid would do.
There you go.
Here's the big.
Look, he's too lazy and non-committal to even put this bottom part in his mouth.
What a shitty artist.
Here are my keys.
That was fucking disgusting.
You wore your shoes in the house?
Oh, Mr. Cut to black.
Because you would think that she would mention the licking all the stuff's the gross part, but she's saying it's gross that.
It's a misdirect.
So then when I say you wore your shoes in the house, just kill the lights and we'll let the applause and uproarious laughter just fill the room and fill our hearts.
Because I licked a bunch of chairs to find some car keys.
You may know me from the person who spelled ants wrong.
It is a disaster.
This is what happens if we give them the reins.
Smash the patriarchy.
Let me control it.
That woman, that thing, whatever it is, is the one telling comedians how they can do jokes.
And you go, okay, I don't want to offend anyone.
I just want to be polite.
So you take that form, and then you get that.
That's what happens when the lunatics run the asylum.
Go back to that list of rules.
What were the other ones?
They got really freaked out when I put this on my other show.
Can cis people play trans and B roles?
No.
What if I don't have a trans person available to do my trans bit?
Shouldn't we be inclusive?
Right.
No, white people can't play black roles either.
Fred Armerson has to appear on SNL as Obama just with his normal skin tone.
So you go, oh shit, Obama has food poisoning.
He's white as a ghost.
Can trans people, oh, and NB means non-binary.
Can trans non-binary play cis roles?
Yes.
Coincidentally, the trans person has a lot of rules that involve him being able to do whatever he wants and no one else being able to do his roles.
This is about people making their job easier for themselves.
Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts, absolutely.
Go back.
I'm a writer, and my director cast a trans non-binary performer in my sketch.
But that character uses pronouns other than what my teammates feel comfortable with.
What?
What the fuck?
Writers are responsible for changing the gendering and pronouns of this character before they send it to the ensemble.
It is very easy.
If you have any questions about these changes, ask your director, not your teammate.
What if the director says, I don't want you using those pronouns?
Well, then ask the teammate and keep asking people until you get the right answer.
Can I use the term straight man?
Nope.
In all caps, use the term voice of reason.
What do I do if I misgender someone?
Don't misgender people, period.
Why is everyone expected to focus on our support of trans?
We adjust for other people because we respect people.
No.
No.
I adjust for people who deserve adjustment.
I don't adjust for some random person who prints out a page of rules and who has no authority to print out this page of rules because they suck at their job.
They do ant puns.
Yeah, even Louis C.K. couldn't write a rules of comedy.
Yeah.
If he did, you know what?
Greg Gallman has all these comedy tips, and I think they're interesting, but they're just tips.
They're like, here's something that might help you write.
He doesn't ever say, nope.
What happens if I misgender someone?
You know what I do if I misgender someone and it offends them?
I go, well, that saves some time.
I'm not hanging out with that person.
What a bummer.
All right, let's get back to Billy Gilish.
Yeah.
He's so beguiling.
By the way, I love Greg Goleman, but I hate when people put the brackets around their name.
I hate people that speak like ASMR all the time.
Do you know what the brackets mean?
Jew.
Yeah, but alt-right guys, when they want to say those people, they'll say, of course, you know, media was controlled by those people, then they'll put the brackets around them.
Oh, okay.
So when you put your brackets around, you're like, yeah, I'm those people.
Got a problem with it.
And the reason I hate it is because it's saying, it's like, I'm a Jew.
You got a problem with that?
No, dude, no one does.
Six people you'll ever meet.
And in New York City and you're in media, you'll never meet one person who has a problem with Jews.
But you're blowing my mind by telling me you're a Jew.
Like that fucking photographer for the LA Mag, Jill Greenberg.
She goes, she's taking my picture and she goes, and as you probably know, you know, from my name that I'm a Jew.
And I go, yeah, I didn't really, I guess, sure.
And she goes, do you have a problem with that?
Yes, I have a huge problem with that.
You can't, you should have told me, Jill Greenberg, that you were a Jew before I came over here.
Wait a second.
You're a boob, boop, boy.
What?
And I said to her, I go, Jill, have you ever come across anyone who has a problem with you being a Jew?
And she goes, well, no, I mean, I'm in media, so.
Oh, okay.
If you were in a synagogue in Alabama, it would be a whole other story, right?
See, unfortunately, it's not everything we want, such as talking about even the small things like changing the name on your student ID, Which you're required to wear at all times.
So I'm really hoping that the district makes the right decision here.
My gender is Kieran Kulkin.
What's yours?
How does that make a deal?
I'm ecstatic.
You're ecstatic.
We get it.
How do you feel about tie bars?
You're just a fat gay nerd with long pink hair.
Actually, you're not even gay.
No one's fucking you.
So you just say you're gay.
Right.
You don't have to suck any dicks.
No one wants to put their dick in your mouth.
You're just hopeful for a certain gender.
My privacy is being invading as I am a swimmer.
I do change multiple times naked in front of the other students in the hall.
I understand that the board has an obligation to all students, but I was hoping that they would go about this in a different way that would also accommodate students to myself.
Just pause.
That is so perfect.
Sanity.
Totally sane.
And by the way, there's a difference between a naked 32-year-old and a naked 14-year-old.
Right?
Yep.
A naked 14-year-old just got her boobs.
She's at her period like three or four times.
Her hormones are raging through her body.
She couldn't be more vulnerable.
And here we are sticking that big fat douche in to go look at her.
Remember Jessica Slaloff?
Who keeps going to gynecologist to get her balls and penis wax?
She just tattled again.
Yeah, she's still going.
And she would talk about how, what do I do if a 12-year-old girl asked me for a tampon?
Yeah, what the hell?
Should I put it in?
Actually, I don't know if he said, should I put it in, but that was the tone.
Should I help them?
Yeah.
I'm ecstatic.
Transgender student Nova Medea.
I feel uncomfortable.
My privacy is being invaded as a swimmer.
I change multiple times, making it funny.
Yeah, and she was like almost crying, this girl.
Yeah.
Nice system we have.
Cis tem.
We're really punning it up today, huh?
Hell yeah.
But this is like when Jeffrey Dahmer found out that we're going to call him racist in that documentary, and he said, can you make sure that you make it clear that I only ate black people because I was near them?
I'm not racist.
So a cannibal who was the worst cannibal in the history of the Western world.
I mean, he would have a foot in a freezer for years, drink soup out of their skulls.
And that guy was more concerned about being racist.
So we would rather have 14-year-olds in a sexually dangerous position, little girls, our daughters, we'd rather have them under siege and vulnerable than be seen as bigots or not up on the latest trends.
Basically, to be unfashionable.
Politics is fashion, and it's worse to be unfashionable than it is to put our children in danger.
War.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Oh, no.
I did save it, though.
Thanks.
That was a great letter.
It ate up a lot of the show, ain't it?
Oh, yeah.
That was reasonable.
Yankee Doodle Dandelion.
Biggs said to never approach.
Oh, sorry.
The subject of this letter is Biggs is fucking awesome.
Oh, no, sorry.
Whoops.
That's bizarre.
My brain wanted this to be positive, and it made, it changed fucking Snowflake into awesome.
Oh, shit.
My brain lied.
How'd it do that?
Biggs said to never approach a veteran and say something like, I've never done what you've done, but I can only imagine.
Gavin, for crying out loud, explain to the meathead moron that I've never done what you've done, but I can only imagine is an expression signifying that someone has no idea what something is like and is a way of complimenting someone on doing something difficult.
I don't say this often, but he is truly a knuckle dragger.
Biggs is one of the best guys I've ever met.
I love his show.
I think it's a very important show.
I mean, we're both trying to entertain you, but I think he has a much stronger message.
And I think his message could literally save lives when it comes to these vets coming back home with PTSD.
I've never done what you've done, but I can only imagine.
If they're like, I don't like that, you meant well.
But like, if I mean well when I say, hey, you don't look as fat anymore, like that, that's nice.
I'm trying to be nice, but that woman probably wouldn't appreciate it.
Yeah, like this is probably a bad analogy, but I've noticed with ex-cons, you don't just jump into what were you in for.
You slowly get the story, da, da, da, and then you can say, well, was that what your charge was?
Or was that what the judge said?
And you can slowly get it or something.
You know, like, we're all very delicate with Vietnam vets.
Yeah, that's another thing.
There's snowflakes that are college students that say, don't clap because I am sensitive to hearing, so go like this.
Then there's a guy like Biggs whose Humvee was explodified and he went soaring into the sky and landed on his side.
He was this close to dying.
I'll listen to him, what he doesn't like.
Now, he's not saying you're not allowed to say it.
He's just saying, please avoid saying this.
Sorry, dude.
Sorry, Yankee dude.
You're a fucking prude.
Warp.
Wait, do that again?
War.
No, do it again.
Warp.
You got- Is that the maximum you got for the pause?
And also, for some bizarre reason, you cut out the boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Why'd you do that?
What's the matter with you today?
I just figured if we're gonna get a little bit of a little bit of a message.
Yeah, a little bit.
And I still got work to do today.
Extra stuff.
Not even extra stuff.
The thing that you said would be ready, no problem, two days ago.
Yesterday?
Or yesterday?
Right.
There.
Let's hear that now.
Show it.
Show it to the folks at home.
Okay, everybody.
Ready everybody?
War.
That's how it's done, my boy.
Gotta really pick my moments with that one.
Gavin, at what point do we just give up and let the lunatics run the country?
I don't know.
I was saying the other day that maybe we should just let them go.
They're doing a much better job of destroying jihadists, Islam, and radical feminists.
And the real thing they're doing is ostracizing the entire left from the Midwest and the Rust Belt and the flyover states.
Like when you do that bathroom shit and you show that crying girl, that's a much more powerful weapon than we could ever do on this show.
So maybe it's best to leave them to their own devices.
They are Lord of the Flies these days.
And maybe it's best that we let Piggy get brained for holding the conch shell.
Everyone's read that book, right?
Lord of the Flies?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And being good at it, if you will.
Just let one of the crazy leftists win the presidency and hold on tight for four years.
The country will inevitably go to shit, but it'll prove that we were right and a Democrat would not see the White House for the foreseeable future after that disaster.
Problem.
Problem.
Terrible.
We did that with Barack Obama for eight years.
We got Benghazi.
We got Fast and Furious, where him and Eric Holder sent guns down to Mexico without serial numbers and gave the cartels more weaponry to create more kiosks.
They thought it would make guns look bad.
No one covered that.
We didn't cover Title IX, how he destroyed college sports, education, started this whole rape Me Too crisis on college campus.
We didn't talk about the total lack of recovery the economy went through.
Most recoveries bounced back like this.
His just sort of went, yeah.
He was a shit show, and because the media loved him so much, mostly because he's black and charming, we never heard about it.
And he was known as a successful president.
And you can wear, I see shirts all over New York that say, we miss you, Obama.
So I don't think, no, I don't think it's that obvious when shitty presidents fuck up.
It's not worth destroying the country a little bit to prove a point.
That's what the left wants to do.
They want everything to go to shit just to be like, told you.
So you're wrong.
So sorry, Derek, we're not doing that.
Poor fucker said that.
Oh, fuck.
This one's from Scott.
Guys, wife and I bring in my 16-year-old to New York for his birthday this weekend.
Staying near Times Square.
I haven't been to that cesspool in 20 years.
Times Square was the peep shows and junkies when I was a kid.
What to do?
Where to go?
Please and thank you.
Scott.
I don't know.
Why are you good?
What am I supposed to do with that, Ryan?
Put on your tour guide hat and go see the tree, Rockefeller Center.
Yeah, Christmas is beautiful.
This time of year.
If you smoke cigars, go to Cigar Lounge.
The square is cool to walk around and you're near Rockefeller Center with the tree and all that.
It's all close by.
You can see St. Patrick's Cathedral while you're there.
Trump Tower is right there, too.
Trump Tower.
Go down to Ground Zero.
You can see all that.
There's some cool bars down there, too.
Williamsburg, the 16-year-old will like Williamsburg.
You just go over the Williamsburg Bridge or take the L-train to Williamsburg.
You walk around Bedford.
Show your kid all the cool hipster shops and all the zippy pop-up art galleries.
Yeah, if you like that hot sauce, all the hot sauce from that show, Hot Ones, it's located, the factory is located in Brooklyn.
You could buy hot sauce there.
Go to a hot sauce factory is Ryan's two cents.
Yeah, I don't know.
Look up, Google it.
The kid probably likes that show.
Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
Hit the music, Ryguy.
Squill, once the metal hit the temple of his grill.
Construction worker who was caught for his bomber.
No time to swing the hammer that was hanging from his farmers.
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