Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S02E100 - 100 CELEBRITIES

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Dec. 17, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:47:49

S02E100 - 100 CELEBRITIES

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Time	Text
	Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Kevin McGinnis.
	Dallas Coward, drive the toll, possible!
	Oh my God.
	That was Black Flag on the album Damaged.
	That's my favorite Black Flag album.
	They were a little weird before that with all their other singers.
	Henry Rollins was the best Black Flag singer, clearly.
	And that album had Six Pack and Damaged.
	Depression's got a hold of me.
	That band sucked to be in Black Flag.
	They had no money.
	You know, they were hardcore.
	There was no market for that.
	And they would practice 40 hours a week.
	And we tried to cover them.
	I was in an 80s hardcore cover band, and we couldn't do it.
	It was too hard because it's in 5-4 time.
	You notice with the beginning, it's like, it's 5-4.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Yeah, time signature.
	It's jazzy.
	They're a jazz band.
	They're a hard.
	Okay, normal.
	About to get weird.
	There.
	Maybe that's not right.
	Oh, listen.
	That part.
	It's like a little stutter.
	I used to mess around with time signatures back in the day, but that's...
	Gee, it's 7-8.
	Anyway, wonderful band.
	Henry Rollins is still going, of course.
	And what you got to understand about Henry Rollins is he looks like a total badass.
	He's got the tats.
	And he's a tough guy.
	And he's got broad shoulders and a big strong chin.
	Get out of here, Mr. Strong Chin.
	Gorgeous wide shoulders.
	But that's not his personality.
	His personality is nerd.
	And I'm sure he's been in a bunch of fights because that's what it was like in the 80s with hardcore.
	There were skin ends everywhere.
	But the actual guy's a total geek.
	Put it on your tongue and let it melt.
	Well, paper doesn't melt.
	And at 98.6 degrees, it's a carbon-based product, certainly.
	Point and case right there.
	That was so quick.
	See what I'm saying?
	Yeah.
	Oh, that should be right up there.
	God dang the thought of me.
	I'm sorry.
	Don't you have like a board?
	We should have an iPad with them all on a board.
	I have a ton of iPads at my house.
	Kids go through them like fucking...
	That was an ugly drop.
	That was terrible.
	Got it.
	But yeah, he's a geek.
	I want to do a thing on my opinions of 100 people.
	That was your idea, actually.
	And explain that, you know, Morrissey is a music groupie nerd.
	So is Iggy Pop.
	So Robert Smith is kidding.
	He did the cure as a joke.
	Lou Reed is Harmony Corinne.
	He's a geeky little club kid who became heroin.
	Same with Sid Vicious.
	Heroin will subsume you.
	It'll take over your personality.
	Same with Basquiat.
	Heroin became him.
	Ooh, that's a good name for a book.
	Heroin became him.
	Yeah, that is pretty cool.
	The Ryan Rivera story.
	Do you like heroin?
	Have you ever done any opioids?
	I've ever tried heroin.
	Opioids, yeah, yeah, for sure.
	Kids are dropping like flies these days.
	Anyway, so Rollins is still ticking along, and he decided to cover that song.
	And just like De Niro in the Irishman, where you can see his age, we realize how far we've come from that version of Rise Above when we see Cindy Lauper, who's got to be 60 now.
	She really does have to be 60 years old.
	I need to look that up.
	I got the Lauper coming.
	Very lovely to the opera.
	Have you seen what's on those legs?
	Bam!
	She's 66.
	Wow.
	Oh my god, this is so embarrassing.
	She didn't have to do that.
	Oh!
	Did she get a mohawk just for this?
	This is like, look at the keytar in the background.
	This is the worst thing ever.
	Rock of Ages was more rock and roll than this.
	I like when there's duets like this and people don't know whether to look at each other or not.
	Like, am I singing to you?
	I watched one of the most awkward ones ever.
	Triple H had Motorhead do his intro live for WrestleMania and he comes out of the stage and he just doesn't know what to do with himself.
	No.
	By the way, Lemmy's just making up the words.
	He's like, heard it out of the game and I didn't play it.
	I'm the game and you're gonna make it.
	You could hear him just like you forgot all the words.
	I know the words of the song because I liked it when I liked wrestling.
	Look at this little hop she's doing.
	Yeah, that needs to stop.
	And stop looking at Henry.
	He's not looking at you.
	Wait, now she runs over to him and he jumps out of the way.
	What is this event?
	She's exhausted.
	Did she just read the monitor?
	She certainly did.
	Everyone has the De Niro problem with their little T-Rex on.
	The little hand.
	Rise above.
	We're gonna rise above!
	Sorry?
	Can't hear you, Cindy.
	Can't hear you, Grandma.
	She's reading the monitor.
	She doesn't know what's...
	It's so funny hearing these lyrics, too.
	Like, that song, Rise Above, was about the teen, it was these teenagers living in, I think they were in Los Angeles at the time, but, you know, Rollins is a DC dude.
	And it was like, you know, I'm depressed.
	I got all this angst.
	I'm broke.
	I'm going to rise above it.
	Now they're talking to the hands of time.
	Did you see, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
	Did you see the laugh he did after the fist exploded?
	Look at what a geek he is.
	I am a nerd.
	That's damning.
	Look at that autistic hand.
	That is the worst frame ever.
	That's a t-shirt.
	And then he looks like nervous.
	Wait, wait, what's she grabbing him for?
	Dude, let's hug in front of the girl.
	Oh, my God.
	So awkward.
	Okay, go show that again.
	She was grabbing him for a hug.
	Fake laugh.
	Thank you.
	Oh, wait.
	I want to hug you.
	Hey, I want to hug you.
	I want to hug you.
	What?
	You want to what?
	Oh, yeah, okay.
	Hi, whatever.
	Then he hugs too much.
	Maybe he has Asperger's.
	Yeah, it's possible.
	He's got an Aspy vibe.
	He's got an Aspy vibe.
	That's how they hug.
	They sort of don't know what they're doing and they're freaked out.
	So they sort of over squeeze.
	And you're like, ah, that's not really what you do.
	Okay.
	Yeah.
	And everything that he says is like so self-contained and poignant.
	It's like a never-ending train of thought.
	Very Asperger's-y.
	Now you have to find that wrestling clip you were talking about.
	You can't talk about a clip and not show it.
	You notice things sort of get a little lackadaisical at this time of year.
	We've got bank shows coming up for Christmas.
	We're not going to try not to miss one episode, but we might.
	And we've got new shows launching.
	This is the hundredth episode.
	Yeah.
	We'll get to that in a second.
	Oh, no mustache?
	Gross.
	Oh, wait.
	That's the one they did it twice.
	Okay.
	There's one where it comes out the floor.
	Thanks for digging it up.
	This show is off to a shit start.
	we go.
	Yeah!
	I'm the only naked guy on stage.
	Yeah, let me just spit water at him.
	Yeah, he atomized water.
	That's what he does.
	Now he's looking around and he's like, yeah, let me just yell.
	That's the big deal of spitting water.
	I've seen people breathe fire.
	Let me make it up the lyrics.
	Let me make it up the lyrics.
	I know you can't take me.
	Just repeated the saying.
	No, you can't take me.
	That's not the words.
	I know the words.
	I know you can't take me.
	So bad.
	That guy, speaking of opioids, they're killing, I think, 20 people a day.
	I have to look that up.
	No, I always get that stat wrong.
	But as far as speed goes, is it that bad for you?
	Lemmy, I knew a band that toured Bad Wizard, the guy I was in the 80s hardcore cover band with.
	They toured with Motorhead and 130 people.
	Thank you.
	They toured with Motorhead, and he'd have a knife.
	He collected Nazi memorabilia, Lemmy.
	So he'd have like a knife with a swastika on it from World War II.
	You'd think that stuff would probably be cheap, right?
	Because no one wants it.
	Anyway, he would lick the knife and then dip it in a dinner plate that had a pile of speed on it and he would just like lick it like that.
	And he did speed his entire life.
	He had a pretty good run.
	What's so funny?
	Just that that's, yeah, I would figure so.
	And he said, I saw a documentary where they interview his son and his son said, my dad said that drugs are really bad and drugs kill.
	But he said, if you are going to do drugs, don't do heroin.
	Do speed.
	I want to find that.
	I'm taking a long time to introduce this as this is our 100th episode.
	Now, we don't usually have guests.
	A lot of people think we can't get guests.
	We can get guests and be good at it, if you will.
	And today, we have a bunch of our celebrity friends are going to be calling in, congratulating us on our 100th episode.
	And I have to admit, it's kind of me showing off my Rolodex, my celebrity Rolodex.
	So throughout the show, I gave the number to all my celebrity friends.
	Throughout the show, they'll be calling in and saying to us, hello.
	Oh, have we already got one now?
	Yeah, I think we do.
	Who is it?
	Well, let me patch in the phone's.
	I'm not allowed to show that anymore.
	The Skype.
	Okay.
	Have we got him yet?
	Yeah.
	Oh, my God.
	Tommy Lee.
	Tommy Lee Jones?
	That's me, Tommy Lee Jones.
	Is it true that you are the drummer for Motley Crew?
	No, that's not true.
	That's Tommy Jones.
	Tommy Jones?
	That's Tommy Lee.
	Oh, but you're a totally different.
	Totally different guy.
	I'm part of the men in black in slick.
	Let me tell you, I'm happy for your 100th episode.
	Like a big old volcano.
	Thank you.
	Well, thanks for calling in.
	I'm a big fan.
	I'm not a men in black guy.
	My kids love it, but I really like the fugitive.
	Can you do me a favor?
	Can you say, I want his phone records?
	I want to see where his license plate looked that up.
	If he takes a shit, I want to know about it.
	I want to know the size of it.
	That kind of thing.
	There's an active volcano about 30 miles outside this city.
	I want to know his name, number, and credit card information.
	That sucks.
	It's been a while.
	I guess you're not that spontaneous.
	Wait, what's happening?
	Sorry.
	Tommy Lee Joe and mouth out of here.
	So that's kind of exciting.
	Tommy Lee Joe.
	I had no idea he was a fan.
	Yeah, me neither.
	We never had him on the show before, and I'm happy he's a fan.
	I'm flattered.
	On TGMS, though, you.
	You didn't even have him on there?
	Nope.
	Huh.
	Now, we've had, you know what I like about this show?
	I can be not knowledgeable about stuff, and then people will call in and go, no, asshole, it's not 30 opioid deaths.
	It's 130 or something like that.
	So we had some sleuths send us letters.
	I'm not doing the mailbag yet, but someone sent me a letter recently abroad.
	I was very excited because I sometimes worry we don't have enough female viewers.
	But this broad sent me a letter, and I guess we're jumping ahead to the mailbag.
	She said, her name's Jessica.
	I said, that guy, Avi Kaplan, from the band Pentatonics, was actually dating Trisha Paytas, the chubby blonde girl from that fake trans video.
	This is the fat chick who thinks she's a dude, but isn't going to get a penis or anything.
	So she's just a gay man, because I guess she likes it in the butt.
	He wanted to keep the relationship a secret, but after they broke up, she exposed him and told everyone that he was really bad on drugs and a bunch of other stuff.
	I think she even made a video saying that he has herpes.
	Big deal.
	Who doesn't have herpes?
	If you don't have herpes, you're a loser.
	You haven't lived.
	It was around the same time that he left Pentatonics.
	I think he really got kicked out for being toxic.
	He's still making solo music on his YouTube channel.
	Here is him and Tricia together.
	What is his name again?
	Avi Kaplan?
	Avi Kaplan.
	He's got his own band called Avrielle.
	They did a cover of Hey Yeah that is the most sacrum and schmaltzy thing I've ever seen.
	Just look up Avi Kaplan.
	Hey Yeah.
	I got you.
	Well, this is her.
	She's a chunky girl.
	Whoa.
	This was supposed to be a deleted video somebody re-uploaded.
	I'm not even gonna be emotional right now.
	Like I have zero emotions in me.
	Like actually none.
	Like actually zero.
	Like I got off the phone with a ton of people just now back to back.
	The last person being Avi Kaplan from fucking used to be Pentatonics now just doing whatever he's doing.
	Being deceitful and manipulative to people.
	I'm like just I'm like no I'm enjoying this.
	I'm thinking about I'm looking at her and thinking about her sex appeal because she's so ugly yet she does have this strange sex appeal like almost like being the personification of pornography like you don't feel good about it.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	She's like a like a piece of cake.
	Like definitely not good for you.
	No.
	She's junk food.
	She's more than any other person.
	She's junk.
	I've ever been blind-sided in my life.
	I am like numb.
	My heart is like racing, but I'm just like, I'm just.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Can you get to it, please?
	I don't care how you feel.
	For the record, I stand by this video.
	I take back any of the other videos because the guy is a manipulator.
	He came over Wednesday after I made that post and like cried with me and hugged me and stayed the night with me and stuff like thinking like he cares.
	And then I'm going to say that.
	Is your hair made of plastic?
	Yeah, there's some glitter strands in it.
	I'm like seeing text messages from actual people.
	I don't know what the hell that's.
	I think it's extensions.
	He talks to me.
	He talks to me.
	Yeah.
	Tinsel?
	A lot of people put plastic tinsel in their hair.
	This is like a Christmas ornament.
	And most of all is the fact that people blindly support this guy.
	Looks more like a snowman.
	Say something, please.
	Jesus.
	This guy is so.
	Did he rape you?
	Is he a heroin addict?
	How much does he do?
	That guy's so great.
	What ex-girlfriend doesn't say that their previous boyfriend was Manapela?
	It's like all your secrets are in an envelope, but the envelope's covered in like poo-poo.
	It's like nobody's going to buy it.
	Shut up, Brian.
	Just jump in the middle.
	Maybe she gets to her points at some point.
	I don't know if that's how he's losing brain cells because the amount of people that have come forward and the way he messes with girls and fans.
	I'm like, dude, that's so scary.
	Like, I can't tell if you're just dumb.
	Like, I feel, like I said, I honestly feel so bad that he's at this level.
	What level?
	I feel like I, well, one, like I said, I wanted to clear my name more than anything and the herpes thing and all that.
	So I just, I had to clear it the main purpose of this video.
	Two, I need him to have a wake-up call.
	Like, he's ruining himself.
	It's so sad.
	Oh, imagine dating her after you're done.
	You have to hang out with that?
	I don't know what to believe.
	She's like something out of that movie with the elves and the fairies and stuff.
	Dark crystal.
	She looks like a puppet from Dark Crystal.
	That's pretty good.
	Jim Henson presents Trissa Paytas.
	Yes?
	She is so self-indulgent, it's mind-blowing.
	Oh, just tears.
	I just hope this is multiple people that know him personally have said this.
	Have you noticed that there's certain people that are so lazy they can't even pronounce things?
	Like that black guy who said Tucker Carlson.
	Why does Tucker Carlson have a job here?
	But he goes, why does Tucker Cars have a job here?
	What does he call him again?
	Tucker Cars.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Multiple people.
	Multiple people beside his mouth.
	Tucker Cars.
	This is multiple people.
	Is it white supremacist?
	They know firsthand.
	Guarantee she says white supremacist.
	I just want him to get help.
	And misogynistic.
	Because I'm so scared for what's about to come for him.
	And I wanted to share my story and just get that.
	More of the story, guys.
	I know it's tempting after a few beers to fuck a stupid fat slut.
	Don't do it.
	It's going to become her identity.
	You're going to become...
	Now, the song, Hey Yeah, is one of the greatest Songs ever written: Avrielle and the Sequoias.
	Sequoias is impossible to spell.
	How are you ever going to look that up?
	Right.
	I'm looking at it right now and I cannot spell it.
	Good point.
	It's S-E-Q, and then there's a bunch of O's and U's and I's.
	Well, the U is a given.
	Once you get, I can get to the sec, and then someone barfed vowels.
	Look at his nostrils!
	Oh.
	What kind of necklace is that?
	Is he a chubby chaser?
	Is that what this is about?
	Yeah, what is that?
	Is that like a piece from a guillotine?
	Yeah, it looks like it has some functionality to it.
	Besides distracting from three chins.
	This is the douche episode.
	But does she really want to get stand to see me walk out the door?
	Don't try.
	I want to get like some sort of digital arachnoid, some sort of cyber thing, like a millipede that's made by Boston Dynamics and just send it up his nostril.
	So it goes in and eats his brain.
	Like I want to put aliens up his nose.
	That's natural.
	That's how I want him to die.
	Listen to this.
	Just got real bodified shivers.
	Why would you want to hear that in a song?
	Why would you want to hear a party trick in a song?
	So that was his role at Pentatonics, right?
	He was the party trick.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	Oh, duck the halls.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That is as practical as Russian line dancing, just to throw that in the song.
	Put on Hey Yeah, just so we can see what a dumb move that was to cover that song.
	By the way, that has 6.2 million hits, so maybe I'm the dumb one.
	I saw this song being created in Andre the 3000's head.
	What?
	You're like Forrest Gump.
	20 volts.
	That's my...
	1, 2, 3, 2, 5, baby, baby.
	So bad because you...
	I'll handle it from here.
	Someone get me my banjo and my party trick voice.
	Hey, I'm a novelty.
	Novelty in the Sequoias.
	Dude, the bass is too jumpy.
	Not enough guitars.
	Where's the banjos?
	Where's the a cappella vibes?
	Hey, where's the cajon drum?
	Where's the fat chick with a guillotine around her neck?
	And she has a black tambourine, which is very cool.
	It's not a typical tambourine.
	All right, that's it.
	Yeah, it was 2000, maybe?
	2001.
	And there was a Levi's party that we were at.
	Vice co-sponsored it.
	It was very elitist in that very few people had tickets.
	And the strokes were playing.
	And I was standing next to Andre 3000, who was there with his fellow Outcast member.
	What's his name?
	Big Boy?
	Ew, have I had this the whole show?
	Uh-oh.
	Gross.
	And the Strokes were pretty new at the time.
	And rock was pretty much dead.
	Like the 90s had been all that rave, dance music, Apex Twin, Techno 808 State.
	And so there we go.
	The guitars were sort of out in the 90s, and they were just creeping back in 2000.
	And then the strokes came out, and they were a bonafide, like CBGB's art rock, classic rock and roll band.
	And they were playing, and I just saw Andre 3000 go, his jaw hit the floor.
	And they had just, I think they had done a set too that was very rappy.
	Cooler than Napole Bear's toenails.
	Oh, well, there I go again.
	Talk about jive or whatever the kids are saying.
	And I saw a little mental switch go off.
	And then he came out with Heya, and he wanted to pursue a rock thing.
	And then Andre 3000 sort of ended as a thing.
	Isn't that interesting?
	Yeah.
	That was the moment where it was like, I'm getting out of the rap deal.
	Yeah.
	You're kidding.
	No.
	Well, answer it.
	Oh, uh.
	Hello?
	Hey.
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Is this another celebrity calling us on our 100th anniversary show?
	We've done multiple shows.
	Correct.
	Whoa!
	The President of the United States is on the line.
	Donald Trump here.
	Mr. Trump, it's an honor.
	I've been wanting to get you on the show since our first episode.
	It's cool that you're on the hundredths.
	I appreciate the support.
	You've always been in my corner, frankly.
	Yeah.
	We don't forget things like that.
	Great friend.
	Great guy.
	Well, there's proud boys in jail that could do with a pardon.
	A lot of pardons need to happen.
	Let's wait.
	Let's wait.
	Let's see.
	Roger Stone, too.
	The re-election.
	Let's get past all the impeachment.
	Yeah.
	We're going to figure it out.
	That's a long ways away.
	They're going to be in maximum.
	Max Hair is in maximum security for January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October.
	That's like a year.
	It's not great.
	Not great.
	Very disappointed about it, honestly.
	There's a lot of things I could do, and frankly, there's a lot of things I'm going to do.
	There's going to be some great things.
	Frankly, it's going to be fantastic.
	You keep supporting me.
	I promise I'm not going to let you down.
	I just want to kiss your ass because that's my first instinct as a fan.
	But I would be remiss as a host of a show not to break your balls a little bit and ask you things like, what is going on with the wall?
	The wall, we got pieces of the wall going up and all over the place, basically.
	There's lots of places that it's going up.
	Frankly, there's a lot of places that it's not going up.
	We're going to put the fence up where it needs to be.
	It's a great, beautiful wall.
	And the ice agents, they're doing really good down there.
	We got smart fence, dumb fence.
	We got all sorts of fences for dumb people, smart people.
	If you come here, you're going to have a hard time.
	Okay, but I just, when we would go to your rallies in 2016, you'd say, build the wall, build the wall.
	And I imagined a physical wall, not ice agents or a smart fence.
	Oh, he's gone.
	I don't know if he likes being pressured like that.
	There's a strange thing with some of these callers where lips appear on my microphone.
	Yeah, that's flag mic.
	The new update.
	The new update?
	iOS.
	Okay.
	So we got the pentatonics thing out of the way.
	Another viewer sent in this story.
	I don't think I sent this to you in the notes, but in Scotland, someone put up some signs that say it's okay to be white.
	You know, I'm putting together for the January 2nd show, the first live podcast show of 2020.
	I want to have the 19 most retarded moments in 2019.
	And though I just heard about this today, this could be in it.
	I mean, this whole concept should be in it.
	Perth city center.
	Perth is a wee bit north of Glasgow and all.
	It's okay to be white.
	Stickers condemned.
	See that?
	Someone's put these offensive stickers around town.
	Look how fun.
	Like, don't you get the joke?
	You're being ridiculed.
	When you find it offensive for someone to say it's okay to be a race, then you're lampooned as a nutbar.
	What about it's okay to be black?
	What about it's okay to be Muslim?
	You know, it's the exact same thing with those posters that say Islam is right about women, which I fucking love.
	That is so funny because you put them in an awkward situation, right?
	Where they either have to disagree with Islam on women, oh, which I do.
	Oh, yeah.
	Bo, I disagree with Islam.
	Or you say, yes, women should only have 50% of the democracy in a court of law.
	So, for example, if a woman was raped and she has one witness, sorry, she has two witnesses and he has one witness saying that he's innocent, then they both have the same number of witnesses because her two is worth his one.
	That is like the most boilerplate caveman sexism you can get.
	It's almost like, and I know this is a cliche, but it's almost like it's in the dictionary under sexism.
	What would be an example of sexism?
	I don't know.
	Like maybe in a court of law, their testimony is worth half that of a man's?
	I don't know.
	Well, that's a crazy scenario, but thanks.
	Because now I understand what sexism is.
	Islam is right about women.
	So anyway, this article is funny because go through it, scroll down.
	It says, oh yeah, the seconding and disgusting.
	The message originally appeared in 2017 poster in the US.
	I like this one, though.
	Oh, yeah.
	One person told the group, I'm certainly worried the new...
	I can't read it now, Ryan.
	Stop moving everything around.
	It was fine.
	I'm certainly worried now for my daughters who are no white but are fair.
	Now, wait a minute.
	It says it's okay to be white.
	So if you think it's okay to be white, that means you want to hurt non-whites?
	It's seconding and disgusting to know that people think like this.
	That's one of my favorite lines in an article effort.
	That it's okay to be white.
	Well, being white is hurting people of color.
	So if it's okay to be white, it's okay to hurt people of color.
	Oh, I see.
	Because to be white is to be a violent racist.
	Yes.
	So you're saying you condone that.
	Bathing in slave blood and things of that nature?
	If you will.
	It's sickening and disgusting that some people think it's okay to be white.
	It's clearly not okay.
	That's literally what it says.
	I'm not exaggerating.
	It just said it's sickening and disgusting to think it's okay to be white.
	Look, it's posted by Perth against racism.
	Yeah, and they're against racism and they don't think it's okay to be white.
	That's racist, you stupid idiots.
	Sheesh, McGee.
	That's got to get one in Clown World, right?
	I may have to knock one off the list, though.
	Okay, speaking of things that are hilarious, I found a funny Asian.
	No.
	Yeah, I've never heard of him before, Ronnie Cheng.
	And I don't mean funny like affirmative action, like the gay dude who's on SNL now, who plays an Asian gay dude in every sketch.
	This guy is genuinely bona fide, Louis C.K. funny.
	With his own personality and he telling it like it is, like everything that comedy should be, this guy is.
	He's my new favorite.
	My wife says that I have tone issues.
	So everything I say sounds sarcastic or angry.
	Apparently.
	But listen to the words, not the tone, please.
	At a great wedding, I do again hoppy.
	It was awesome.
	Three was not enough.
	Your friends are amazing.
	I love my wife a lot, but marriage has definitely made me a worse person.
	Before I got married, I used to care because I was trying to get laid.
	Now I don't care anymore.
	All I care about is my wife's opinion about me and her well-being.
	That's all I care about.
	I don't give a fuck about any of these other idiots on internet, or even her friends, come and talk to my wife's friends.
	Hey, Ronnie, how I'm like, fuck this shit.
	I just gotta walk away.
	When my wife's friends come and talk to me, I can't even muster the bare minimum that society requires of me to interact with this person.
	Just say, hey, Ronnie, how are you?
	I'm like, oh, fuck this.
	I just gotta walk away.
	Oh, man.
	Dude, that is so true.
	Marriage makes you sexist because you don't realize how much of the time you've been talking to women.
	Thinking this is going to get me pussy somehow.
	Even like a fat, ugly chick, you're friends with her To help facilitate sex with maybe one of her friends.
	You don't realize it.
	You think you're just a cool guy.
	I'm kind of a feminist.
	You should see how many female friends I have.
	And then you realize they're not my friends.
	I'm using them.
	My dick has brainwashed me.
	And then once that's not happening, you're just like, what are we doing here?
	Why are you talking to me?
	I really do feel exactly what I just get the fuck.
	Like, even if I walk into a bar and a woman's there, I'll just go, oh, for fuck's sakes, what are they doing here?
	It goes back to before you were trying to get laid, like when you were 10, and you'd go over to your friend's house to play Star Wars, and then there'd be a chick there.
	You'd be like, what the fuck?
	Darren, what is that doing here?
	It's like, it's my sister, dude.
	Get her upstairs.
	That's why when you go to parties, like at my age, where everyone's married, there's a parting of the C's.
	The women are in the kitchen chatting away or in another room.
	And the men are in some secluded area.
	Like at my house, it's my study, which is like down some steps behind a door.
	I'll have some whiskey behind a thing.
	Maybe we can just pour some.
	We don't congregate.
	Like maybe at baseball, I might exchange a couple words, but even then, like there's one woman who was a doctor.
	So the only way I could amuse myself was to ask her questions like that thing about not going to sleep after you hit your head, that's not really a thing, right?
	I mean, you're either knocked out, boom, you're out.
	You either have a concussion or you don't.
	Like no one gets hit, is fine for 10 minutes and then goes.
	And she said, yeah, yeah, that's basically it.
	You're either knocked out or not.
	Oh, we've got, this is getting a little intrusive.
	I wish I didn't know so many famous people.
	I wish this show wasn't, oh, my old boss, Ezra Levant.
	I don't know.
	Gavin, I don't know if it's if I'm famous or I just I've known you for a long time.
	Yeah, I have you're an inspiration, Ezra.
	You know, I remember when I first saw you, heard of you was when you printed the Muhammad cartoons.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Lucky to be live after that, you know, because.
	And she said, what was your, the government employee of the Canadian Human Rights Commission said, what was your motive for doing this?
	And he said, if you were my friend, if you were a relative, I might tell you, but you're the government.
	It's none of your business.
	Yeah, I have no business, you know, talking to you about the government.
	I mean, why do you want to know so much information about me?
	But, you know, Gavin, I would tell you anything.
	And my deepest, darkest secrets, they belong to you.
	So if you'd like, ask me something deeply personal.
	I'll tell you what.
	I remember I once asked you something personal.
	I think you were at my house if you were calling.
	I said, can you imagine if your wife cheated on you, how devastated you'd be?
	And you didn't.
	You're not into those kind of mind games.
	Theoretically, I'm like the.
	Yeah, you just went like, I would be devastated.
	I mean, I would be.
	I don't know why you'd bring that up because I'm actually, it's upsetting to think about.
	Yeah, I like things that are upsetting to think about.
	Yeah, but why?
	That's a Scottish thing.
	That's where Scots and Jews differ.
	Where we like the darkness.
	Yeah, I like your worst.
	I like the light stuff.
	I like to keep it pretty light.
	I mean, it's not like it's the Holocaust that makes Jews sense of negativity because we had 800 years of oppression from the English, and we still like being under duress.
	Yeah, of course.
	I mean, but that's a sort of duress that I mean, I like to be able to fight back, and there's kind of nothing you could do.
	Well, that's something you taught me a long time ago, the whole concept of remaining the happy warrior.
	That's right.
	And I can't thank you enough for just that one tip because every time things seem overwhelming, I remember happy warrior, happy warrior.
	And the beauty of that mentality is it helps you see the humor in all, like in the, it's okay to be white.
	A different mindset could find that totally depressing and disheartening and discouraging.
	And even when you're outnumbered and you, let's say we take the analogy, you have one sword, you're one guy, maybe three army members, and you see a whole cavalry coming towards you.
	It's just some cosmic joke.
	You have to laugh.
	You have to say, oh, this is brilliant.
	This is kind of funny.
	I got to say, it's fun talking to you because I consider you a friend, but we have kind of a high caliber of celebrities on the show today.
	Tommy, the drummer from Motley Crew was here.
	I'd rather keep it to like non-Canadian superstars.
	No problem.
	Well, we'll see you soon, all right?
	You be good.
	And thanks for all you did for Tommy Robinson.
	Oh, no problem.
	Congratulations, Mike.
	Tommy Robinson's latest shit is he's getting sued for Islamophobia to the tune of $500,000.
	And Ezra was just there researching it, reporting on, I should say.
	And he said he was in the courtroom and both sides, Tommy's lawyers and their lawyers, were just talking about their fees the entire time.
	No details about the case and defamation, just about what they deserve, how much they should charge.
	Fucking bizarre.
	Anyway, yeah, Ronnie.
	Sorry, go ahead.
	Well, while I saw, you know, Ezra here.
	Hi, Gavin.
	How are you?
	Oh, hi, Faith.
	Wow.
	Another Canadian celeb.
	Yep, I just figured, you know, he just hung up the phone.
	I was here.
	So I figured I'd say hello to you.
	You know what you may want to consider, Faith, is just a little bit of bleach on the old top lip there.
	You seem to be getting a bit of a...
	Well, Gavin, always congratulations on the 100th episode.
	Thank you very much, Faith.
	Did you get my Christmas card yet?
	What?
	Did you get my Christmas card?
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	That's great.
	I wouldn't hate a Christmas card from you.
	Oh, she hung up.
	Yeah, it's kind of weird when you hand out Christmas cards and then you go, you look at the list and you go, none of the people I sent a Christmas card gave me a Christmas card.
	That does suck.
	That hurts.
	This is going to be the first year I'm doing a Christmas card.
	I'm inspired by you.
	Ryan, it's too late, you fucking card.
	Oh, man.
	Yeah.
	They're not going to get...
	No, not on Christmas.
	What?
	They get them and they're on their mantelpiece for the duration of December.
	They throw them in the recycling on New Year's Eve.
	I never throw my Christmas cards away.
	You don't have any.
	Where are your Christmas cards?
	All five of them I've kept since I was five.
	But yeah, that Ronnie.
	Another funny thing about marriage, too.
	Oh, sorry.
	Sorry.
	The reason I love that joke that Ronnie Chang just did is it's so brutally honest, and it's something I hadn't totally admitted to myself, and that is comedy in its purest form.
	That's art in its purest form.
	What art does is it takes something like this, right, and it puts it in an art museum.
	And then you look at a World War II army helmet as a piece of art, the structure of it, the aesthetic, and it makes you sort of re-see, recognize, as my fucking professors at school used to say, making up their stupid words.
	But you sort of reassess things that you normally take for granted.
	And that makes you smarter.
	You're wiser now.
	You have more information.
	That's what I love about art.
	That's what it should be, ideally.
	You take this toothbrush, brushing your teeth, and it's a song about brushing your teeth.
	And all of a sudden, you have a new perspective and brush your teeth.
	Now you have more experience in your life.
	So he's making you smarter by making you recognize things that are right in front of your face.
	The symbols.
	That's what Ronnie Chang just did.
	You know, another thing, too, about it is when that first happens, when you get married, and you're just like, get the fuck out of here.
	Oh, and also, too, the opinion.
	Like, I'll wake up and last year was a rough year for the family with all this like doxing and people attacking me and all that shit.
	So I'd hear, if I heard her say, oh, no, or something downstairs, like she read an article, I'd go, fuck, there goes the day.
	But then if I see her and she's like, morning, I go, oh, I can relax now.
	I don't care about anything else, getting sued, getting attacked physically, boring.
	But all you care about is your wife.
	Happy wife, happy life.
	That's so fucking true.
	And oh, sorry, one more thing on this.
	So you get married and you first, you go, why are women here?
	I don't, I'm not fucking you.
	Get out of here.
	What are you doing here?
	Or like my gay friend was being attacked by this woman and they're so good at adrenaline control gaze that I think he had a, he was rolling a cigarette and he's like, what?
	And then he realized that she was lecturing him and he just goes, fuck off, you ugly bitch.
	It was like the way you talk to your sister when you didn't like her, you know?
	And being good at it, if you will.
	It was exactly like that kid I was talking about yesterday where he said, your son called my son the D word.
	I want you to apologize to him right now.
	No.
	Why not?
	Because he is a dick.
	Oh.
	Yeah.
	I got to be frank.
	I appreciate, frankly, I appreciate these celebrities calling, and I'm sure you guys at home love seeing celebs on the show, but I don't know.
	It's kind of, it's killing my rhythm.
	It feels intrusive.
	It feels intrusive, yes.
	Precisely.
	So maybe we can ignore some calls or let them pile up a little bit?
	I've actually ignored a couple already.
	Oh, really?
	So I'm just trying to get to as many as possible.
	I'm only putting on the ones that I think are.
	No more Canadians.
	No offense, my hometown, my homeland.
	But I need like maximum fame.
	So now, like, Mick Jagger levels, Beyonce, or friends.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah.
	Not that Ezra and Faith aren't friends.
	Did you know a woman saw Faith Goldie at a bar in Toronto, and one man yelled, oh my God, that's a racist.
	And then he started pointing at her like a zombie movie, like Donald Sutherland going, and the woman didn't know who Faith was.
	And she said, wait, that's a racist.
	No idea who Faith was.
	She was just taking the word of the guy that was pointing.
	And she said, that's a racist.
	And she started convulsing.
	And I've mentioned this on the show before, was like in a ball on the ground going, like having a complete and total meltdown the way you would if you were like a POW in World War II and you saw the guy who was torturing.
	Oh, and Benjamin.
	She was in a ball?
	Yeah, she was shaking in a ball on the ground.
	Yeah, like the earth isn't because not a ball.
	Why do you got to jump right to that?
	What do you mean, dude?
	It's like we live on a lie.
	Sodomites.
	You're wrong.
	You're right about a lot of stuff.
	And I appreciate that you're going so deep on the conspiracy theories because you should always have people drumming up the silt.
	You know?
	Sunlight's the best disinfectant.
	Let's get it up there.
	Don't go after me with the flat earth.
	You see what I did to Anthony Kumia?
	Yeah, I don't think you won that one.
	I outed that he's down syndrome-y and a boomer.
	Did you see that?
	No, I didn't.
	Is there funny syndrome-y?
	Yeah.
	Owen Benjamin has some dirt since he's been on the compound before, like in studio.
	Can you believe that we organized a tour, you, me, and Fleckis, to go in Australia?
	And that seems like a hundred years ago.
	It's probably two years ago now.
	Yeah.
	And everything was going so normal back then.
	Right.
	And you compare that today?
	It's crazy.
	And it only would have taken like five hours to get to Australia because we live on a flat earth plane.
	So you would have to circumvent the globe.
	It would only take five minutes to get there.
	But what they do is when you're in the plane, they just waste a lot of time.
	So that way it looks like you're on a globe.
	Flight patterns.
	Satomites.
	Jews.
	Okay.
	Well, shouldn't you be congratulating me on my 100th episode, by the way?
	Happy birthday, dude.
	No, it's not my birthday.
	We've done 100 episodes of this platform.
	100 years old.
	That's crazy.
	Nope, not 100 years old.
	With the censored.tv renamed, we've done 100 episodes of this show.
	All right, man.
	Keep fighting.
	Congratulations.
	Thanks.
	Best luck with what you're up to.
	I feel like Owen's very sensitive about backstabbing because he's been stabbed in the back by so many friends.
	He sees it coming before it's even on the horizon.
	Yeah.
	I think he thinks I slight him all the time when I'm just fucking around.
	Love you, Owen.
	Love you.
	So Ronnie Cheng is my new favorite comedian, but this is an ancient Chinese secret.
	This was the situation doing a roast.
	And I forgot to number the URLs.
	But this is very interesting because this is Trump before he was president, when everyone loved him.
	I mean, look at him.
	He's pimping.
	Not a lot of guys can pull off wearing a hat like that.
	People are hating on him because Trump is always fire on people, but it's kind of okay because he completely let himself go anyway.
	Donald.
	Wait, go back.
	I talked over that.
	So we got the hat joke.
	Hat like that.
	People are hating on him because Trump is always fire on people, but it's kind of okay because he completely let himself go anyway.
	Donald.
	Just pause.
	He didn't let himself go.
	What?
	He looks like a normal 60-year-old man who always wears suits and always has his hair perfect and is always perfectly, cleanly shaped.
	Imagine being such a douche that you thought sunglasses were cool.
	I remember being six and having sunglasses and a guitar that I found in the garbage and having my mom take a picture of me because I was cool.
	Then I turned seven and I went, oh, they're just for when it's too bright out.
	But he wears them on stage and somehow it's cooler to have them hanging off your nose?
	I've never seen that before.
	He's not using the function of the sunglasses.
	Right, so they look even stupider.
	You know, there was this video of...
	There was a guy who was at a game.
	I'll go to the wide.
	And he had a baseball cap on backwards and then shades like up.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Ancient Chinese meme.
	Oh, Ryan?
	That's your new nickname, Ancient Chinese Meme.
	Ryan, also.
	Yo, hey, chill.
	You know what, Donald?
	You got the tan.
	You got the laundry down, but you got to hit the gym, pork chop.
	Pork chop.
	But Donald, I like how you're.
	Like, God.
	Bro, I've seen pictures of your house.
	Everything in your house is gold.
	Who the fuck decorated your house?
	Flavor Flavs Dentist?
	Yes.
	Your wife is hot.
	The best part is she married you for love.
	Yep.
	She loves money.
	Oh, hey, what are you going to do?
	Hey!
	Come on, let him do his thing.
	Come on.
	Let him do it.
	All right.
	Donald Trump, you're a baller.
	You're a shot caller.
	You run the game and give the buildings your name.
	You're the real deal.
	And I hope someday I can roll Trump style.
	You called him Chump, not Trump.
	It's Trump.
	You said Donald Trump.
	Really?
	Well, maybe comedy ain't my game right now, but...
	Why don't you finish it?
	Can I just show them something?
	Can I just show them something?
	You know the situation?
	Go back.
	I thought I had it queued up right.
	Did you fuck up or did I?
	I just went by the town code.
	Go to Jelinek.
	Situation, my man Donald Trump.
	No, no, no.
	Before that.
	What I'm saying?
	Oh, Jesel Neck.
	Well, Jezelnak.
	No, it's my first name.
	Is there another link?
	No, it's the same one.
	Oh, okay.
	But he thinks he fries Anthony Jeselnik, and it's the least funny thing I've ever seen.
	So wait, just scroll till you see Jezelnick.
	Got him.
	It's funny on the floor of my motherfucking family.
	Okay, no, go back, go back, go back.
	That's it.
	Enough of that, enough.
	All right, all right.
	I see you looking at me over there, Anthony Jezelnut.
	I know you're a little hater, but I know you're a funny dude as well.
	Because the other night I told one of your super funny jokes to a supermodel and she was laughing while I was banging her brains out with a pile of money on the floor of my motherfucking mansion.
	Okay.
	Wait a minute.
	That joke makes no sense.
	Like, he's trying to talk about what a baller he is because he's having sex with supermodels on a pile of money?
	Are you two years old?
	In a mansion?
	What?
	Which is like, yeah, you are funny, but I was getting laid.
	And why are you cracking jokes when you have sex?
	You're doing a little comedy routine?
	And then he does the same thing again.
	So I got nothing to get you, man.
	I got nothing to get you.
	Because she's like the fifth model this week to do that.
	So.
	So.
	That's.
	I got to put that on there.
	Nothing to get you.
	Because she's like the fifth model this week to do that.
	So.
	Can you go to the very end, though?
	He says Trump should run for president.
	And by that I mean, yeah, yeah.
	You're a bowler.
	And I hope someday I can't do that.
	Jeffrey Ross shows that he's fat, which is really interesting.
	That definitely is the situation right there.
	He was doing opioids at the time.
	I think he's on heroin right now.
	Oh, which one?
	The situation?
	Yeah, the situation.
	He had a problem.
	He went to rehab for opioids.
	Yeah, and you're not dishing it out too good because you're feeling too nice.
	I was hanging out with models.
	I was banging a model show.
	Jai Du Cho.
	Saturation.
	Thank you, buddy.
	Thank you.
	And before I go real quick, I gotta say one more thing.
	Mr. Trump, I think you should run for president.
	I probably really mean that's a stupid idea.
	Look at him waiting for something after he says the first setup.
	Ta-da!
	Like he puts his little hands up.
	I did it.
	I told you.
	Here's the first part.
	Here we go.
	Quick, I gotta say one more thing.
	Mr. Trump, I think you should run for president.
	That's the beginning.
	I probably really mean that's a stupid idea.
	Wait a minute.
	I'll probably really mean that's a stupid idea?
	I feel nauseous.
	Thanks, little guy.
	I was saying, like, I like the darkness, but sometimes it's so dark that I feel uncomfortable.
	That wasn't good.
	So we had some problem with the volume earlier.
	Do You think it's fixed?
	Yeah.
	How do you know?
	How do you know we're not just recording dead air right now?
	Well, I'm hearing everything good, frankly.
	But the channel, I'm only getting my left out of the computer channel, but I can fix that in post for this and then figure out what the problem is.
	That sounds like a major problem, dude.
	No, no, no, no.
	All you got to do is put Phil right with left in Premiere.
	Boring robot Japanese person stuff.
	Okay.
	Also in the news, and this was from a letter.
	This dude told me that this chick, this vice magazine writer was voted the funniest chicken, one of the funniest 50 people in the country.
	No, in New York, by Brooklyn Mag, whatever the fuck that is.
	But it really shows you that in order to get women into comedy, they had to make them comfortable.
	And the way you make them comfortable is you make it such that they don't have to be funny.
	This is Eve Piser.
	And they are.
	They're very comfortable on stage now.
	Now that you've taken the humor out of comedy, it's sort of like a race where women didn't feel comfortable racing, but we brought them to the track and said, it doesn't matter if you win or lose.
	Everyone gets a trophy.
	And they went, oh, that's a lot better.
	So some of them just stroll.
	Some of them walk diagonally off the track and go talk to someone in the stands for a little bit, eat some popcorn.
	Oh, yeah, this is typical of her writing.
	Why you should grow out a happy trail?
	Why you should grow out your happy trail.
	Just so you know the quality of writing that we're getting from women.
	It's been a while since the full bush came back in style, finally liberating women from the burden of getting hot wax poured on their privates.
	That's pretty good.
	Starts a sentence with and.
	And last summer, we pretty much all agreed we should grow out our pit hair.
	Who agreed?
	I don't know.
	And then she starts a sentence with but.
	But now it's time for another body hair revolution.
	This spring, let's embrace the far more stigmatized happy trail, a patch of hair some women grow between their belly buttons and their bush.
	This bold call to action, like I'm so glad we got women into journalism, aren't you?
	Yeah, it's bold.
	They can make bold calls to action comes from someone who has a lot of pubes and a particularly dope happy trail, colon, me.
	That's obviously not her in the picture.
	But I didn't always possess a resolute acceptance of this part of my body, even though I attended blah, blah, blah, Oberlin College.
	So yeah, that's the kind of stuff she writes about.
	This is her voice.
	And I thought, okay, well, we just saw Ronnie Chang show us what comedy is.
	It's brutal honesty, showing you something you haven't thought of before.
	Let's check out her comedy.
	Wait a minute.
	I didn't even send you the link for it, did I?
	You sure?
	Did I?
	Yeah, there she is.
	So here she is being introduced.
	This is the state of comedy today.
	Ronnie Chang is rare.
	This is common.
	This is what...
	Then there's Eve Piser.
	Hey, how's it going?
	They always have their phone in their hand.
	Sorry.
	Please continue to be as silent as possible, though.
	Very relaxed.
	So I read about politics for a living, but I don't want to get a comedy about that because it's a lot.
	Getting a great.
	I'm also going to read too.
	I'm so sorry.
	Whatever.
	Anyway, I understand that this country falling apart is ideal material for comedy, but instead I want to talk about love.
	I actually want to read you a love poem I wrote about my boyfriend.
	I don't know if any of you guys have ever fallen in love.
	It happened to me.
	I did this for six and a half minutes.
	You did not.
	I would highly recommend this.
	What happened?
	Absolutely nothing.
	But, oh, I'm just going to hold this.
	You notice these feminist dresses?
	Like, she's got sliders on, like those shower shoes with socks.
	And then this dress, that's how someone dresses on their honeymoon after they've been banged for three days and they're like in a cabin somewhere and no one can see them.
	Imagine going out like that.
	What are you showing, right?
	The other thing I want to say, because I always forgot to say this, is that I'm Jewish.
	And that will come into play later because I use some anti-Semitic slurs in my poem.
	Only things I've been called.
	But people get really tempted to get it.
	How long have we been doing this?
	But don't worry.
	Is this a TED Talks?
	Yeah, it's like a TED Talk.
	This is a TED Talks.
	So to give you guys a little background.
	That looks great.
	I want to talk about Shaft Tank and Alex.
	Let me just pause it here.
	The reason that we ask you to shave that is when we go down on you and look up, we're reminded of a dude.
	It's the same.
	I wrote this article once called Short Hair is Rape, where I sarcastically said, you know, when you look down at a girl with short hair and you're having sex from behind, you're looking at a 13-year-old boy.
	That's what it looks like.
	That's weird and gross.
	And we don't like to see such things.
	Or when you make out with a chick who has very, like my hair, your eyes are closed and you're holding Gavin McInnes.
	You're making out with me and Ryan.
	I got a little happy trail.
	Anyway, let's see how much more we can endure.
	Do you just by applause, do you guys know what Shark Tank is?
	Great crowd.
	I like you all.
	Do you guys know who Alex Jones is?
	Okay, don't worry.
	I'll get into all of it for you.
	So, what's that called again, Vocal Fry?
	A little about Chark Tank.
	It's my favorite TV show because it is the most beautiful capitalist propaganda I've ever seen.
	This is a little complicated for me because I'm a socialist, but I'm forced to live under capitalism and I sort of can't.
	And so for anybody who isn't.
	This could be record-breaking, the longest punchline, and actually no jokes.
	How long are we in?
	This is the funniest, one of the funniest women in New York.
	She's hilarious.
	Imagine there's a killer punchline at the end of this.
	And think of how many jokes Ronnie Ching managed to cram into those two seconds.
	And he was just naturally kind of funny.
	The joke of saying fuck off and walking away isn't really original, I guess.
	But that clip we showed was maybe 20 seconds, and it was two hilarious bits.
	The thing about sarcasm in my voice, and he gave a bunch of examples, and then the thing about my wife's friends coming and talk to me on time for that shit.
	This is three minutes and aware of the premise of Shark Tank.
	A group of self-made millionaire and billionaire investors hear pitches from small business owners looking to grow or save their company.
	Yeah, what's the matter with that?
	And the show is very much hinged on this idea of the American dream that capitalism can save you, which is a lie.
	Oh.
	This is not true.
	I actually recently interviewed Mark Cuban for work, and when I asked him about capitalism, he said, capitalism, you make it sound like a disease.
	Because it like sorta is.
	This is a shitty TED talk.
	Like sorta is.
	That's her friend.
	That's someone saying that.
	To go back to why she's because this is my friend up there.
	Let me see what I got.
	Come on, Malthus.
	Oh, we'll have to.
	That's like faking an orgasm right there.
	TV show.
	Oh, yeah.
	It's because I'm sick and I love to hate and I hate to love, blah, blah, blah.
	Wow.
	In fact, and just to know she has a happy trail and is proud of it adds to how terrible this is.
	So much pleasure in loving to hate that I end up being drawn to weirder and darker forces than Shark Tank, primarily Alex Jones.
	Wait a minute.
	So she's leaving the Shark Tank category and jumping to Alex Jones.
	There was no point of the Shark Tank.
	There's no point to the Shark Tank.
	She says condemning capitalism, though, which is the punchline.
	No, but you have to give an example.
	She just says Shark Tank is a show that thinks capitalism is going to save you, but that's a lie.
	How?
	Well, the punchline was Mark Cuban said, you talk about it like that.
	That's different.
	It has nothing to do with Shark Tank.
	Mark Cuban from Shark Tank.
	Oh, yeah.
	And so the punchline there is, it kind of is.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	This should come with Kohl's notes.
	So we're, what, three, four, four minutes and 22 seconds in, and we have one joke, which is capitalism kind of is a disease.
	It kind of is, though.
	So just for the people who don't know who Alex Jones is, you know what?
	Wow.
	She's not considered of her time, of our time at all.
	So if you don't know, listen, Tiz.
	I'm going to tell you a little about him.
	Even if I was on the train with her and she was my sister, I'd be going, what the fuck's the matter with you?
	Where are you going with this?
	With your cat money?
	I'd be like Steve Martin in planes, trains, and automobiles.
	You may want to have a point when you're telling a story.
	One, I'm sorry for telling you about this because your life is better now than it will be in about a second.
	But Alex Jones has...
	She looks like she's like 12.
	By the way, what happened to the boyfriend?
	Is Alex Jones the boyfriend?
	Oh, wait, yeah.
	Is this all a big buildup about her boyfriend is actually Alex Jones?
	And that's a joke?
	That would be the funniest thing in New York.
	It's his own motherfucker.
	I'm glad we got rid of Louis C.K. Thanks, feminism.
	Thanks for getting rid of Louis for consensual sexual acts and replacing her with Eve.
	...somebody who's notorious for ranting on camera for hours about the most insane things.
	How about ranting on stage for minutes about nothing?
	Yeah.
	He's a Trump supporter.
	He is also a 9-11 truther.
	Not sure about that.
	He's a Sandy Hook conspiracy theorist.
	Yes.
	He fucked up with Sandy Hook seven years ago.
	We got it.
	He believes that the government adds chemicals that turn children gay to their juice boxes.
	Just pause.
	There is excessive estrogen in the city's water supply.
	This comes from birth control.
	It does affect amphibians because they have these sort of semi-permeable membranes.
	They're very sensitive to water.
	In fact, if you see a lot of amphibians, frogs, toads, those little salamanders, if you see those in your area, it means you have very clean water.
	The water table is in great condition.
	Also, if you're finding a lot more female frogs than male frogs, the estrogen may be affecting the biosphere, the environment.
	And there's BPA in the water bottles, too.
	Right.
	Which is feminizing, isn't it?
	Yeah, Alex, not that we have to defend Alex Jones in this show, but he speaks in a hyperbolic way.
	They're making the frogs gay.
	Then you look it up and you go, oh, that's true.
	So she's just lazy and hasn't looked any of this up.
	I can't get on to a train of thought here with all these calls.
	Did you say they're making the toads homos?
	Yeah, I guess that's one way to put it.
	I'm just messing around with you.
	It is me, Danesh D'Souza.
	Congratulations on having the 100th episode flopping around having fun like a fish in a toad.
	Thank you very much.
	I have a question for you.
	Okay.
	What do cars typically drive on?
	A road.
	Correct.
	What do you call a penis that is wider than it is long?
	A choad?
	That is correct.
	Who's that bald guy who went to jail and writes for Tacky Mag?
	Jim Goad.
	Finish this sentence.
	Welcome to my humble abode.
	When journalists get laid off, you tell them, learn to code.
	The grass on my neighbor's lawn is very short.
	It must have been mo?
	No, can you help me with my rap song that I am making?
	Yeah, I'd love to, Dinesh.
	I didn't know you rapped.
	You're a rapper now?
	Yeah, I bet that everybody's saying, oh, there's crazy Dinash just going around rapping all over the place.
	But yeah, so here it is.
	If you could help me finish the last line, I'm stuck on it.
	Okay.
	I'm flapping from a pond and crossing the road.
	Please don't run me over.
	I'm just a little frog.
	Okay, perhaps, I mean, but something that would typically rhyme with what I'm saying.
	I'm just a little amphibian.
	Nope, that does not.
	I'm just a little salamander.
	That typically does not rhyme either.
	Doy, a doad.
	Datoad.
	A doad.
	That is dynamic pantamodor.
	Datoad.
	I get it, Rotoad.
	Yes.
	Thanks for calling, Dinesh.
	I got to get back to this.
	Sorry, we're watching a comedy video.
	What are we at now?
	With her?
	Yeah.
	And folks at home, I'm at suicide level.
	Are we torturing you?
	Is this a bad show?
	Because I think I might be able to do the...
	13 minutes?
	Does that seem like?
	It's 10 minutes, 30 seconds.
	I need to see.
	By the way, we do.
	We love Alex Jones, revere him.
	And we make fun of him way better.
	Yeah.
	Like, to his face.
	Right, talking about the pies and the family.
	Yeah, or remember that whole riff?
	Oh, maybe you weren't there.
	I was with his son and his bodyguard in the car, and I was doing Alex Jones, which is pretty hack.
	But I was like, I'm not bragging.
	Black people used to come to my house and do watercolors of my entire family.
	That one I didn't hear that really.
	And we just kept doing, I'm not bragging, and talking about how, because black people did used to bring his dad pies.
	His dad was the first, he helped the community a lot.
	He was the first person to help the community.
	He lowered taxes in the black community.
	So he's like, I'm not bragging.
	Black people would literally come to my house bringing me pies, which is true, but it just sounds terrible.
	It sounds amazing.
	So then we were doing other ones.
	Like, black people used to cry when I walked down the street.
	I'm not bragging.
	I never heard those.
	Black people used to kiss my hand.
	I would have like black saliva all over the backs of my hands and people constantly kissing them.
	That's funny.
	You could have done that.
	Right.
	But she doesn't do any research.
	She doesn't know.
	But she's never watched the show.
	This is the thing about the left.
	They're so fucking lazy.
	Like, she has no jokes for her comedy show.
	But similarly, they'll talk about Fox News, faux news.
	And you go, you've never watched a Sean Hannity from the beginning of the episode to the end.
	And by the way, I'd like to see you try.
	I'd like to see you try to have all these different points, opinions on politics.
	Like I worked at Fox for a while.
	It was hard having that many opinions.
	Or Tucker Carlson, like do that show.
	Do a similar show with the same amount of information, guests, have it all move and come up with new concepts like Tucker does, where I don't even agree with him.
	Like he'll say, we need to start suing Facebook for what it's done to society.
	That's a really weird point, but that's what you want in a show.
	You want them to say something you haven't thought of.
	Just like Ronnie Chang when he makes us rethink our marriage.
	Not her?
	He's making me rethink how I spend my time.
	She's dressed.
	It's so like lazy.
	Cat mommy.
	That was my girlfriend.
	Be like, can you put some actual shoes on or something?
	Why is life a sleepover?
	As a means of population control.
	And he's not 100% closed off to the idea that the earth is actually controlled by interdimensional lizard people.
	I don't believe you.
	So I'm going to show you.
	It's also ironic, by the way, that she's sitting there on stage being unfunny as a comedian and not getting when Alex Jones is kidding.
	Right.
	Like the way Alex would say that, it would be like, it's getting to the point now where I wouldn't be surprised that the whole earth is controlled by interdimensional lizard people.
	Demons around.
	That's how fucked up everything has become.
	Nothing would shock me at this point.
	Your head could come off and walk around with little Adam's family hand, carrying it around, and I wouldn't freak out.
	Your head could turn into a spider right now and I wouldn't freak out.
	We could turn it into a toad.
	A gay one.
	Or they always make fun of Alex on Howard Stern and it's always like infowars.com giving him free ads.
	And they make fun of all his products, like male vitality and all that.
	And then it'll cut to Howard Stern talking about his gluten-free cookies that he eats with no sugar.
	And he scrapes the parmesan off his shrimp because he doesn't eat the cheese and all these other weird, finicky, like the way his water has to be super filtered.
	He doesn't trust water.
	It has to be 9.0 pH or whatever.
	Yeah.
	That's special.
	And then Robin's getting coffee enemas.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, but he's wacky.
	Alex is so stupid and crazy with his weird concoctions.
	Let me shoot coffee some coffee up my ass and re-filter water 60 times over.
	Unbelievable.
	I'm going to play you a brief clip of Alex Jones.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	Well, your phone's an intriguable explorer.
	I'm a human and I'm coming.
	She has no fear of bombing.
	He said, I'm a pioneer, correct.
	I'm an explorer, correct.
	I think you see what he's doing there.
	And then when he says, I'm a human, I'm coming.
	Like, you don't get that when someone is being effusive, and this goes back to what I say about the left being against color.
	And if he's like insane, you're making fun of an insane person, which he's not.
	And by the way, she's saying that everybody knows that he says things that are kind of wacky.
	So her point is, look, I also recognize that, and I'm showing it to you, if you will.
	If you will.
	I'm an explorer.
	I'm a human, and I'm coming.
	That's the funniest thing that happened yet, and Alex Jones did it.
	That's just a little taste.
	He said way crazier shit, by the way, you lazy bitch.
	I actually have a personal connection with Alex Jones because I used to write for a website called Gizmodo, And I wrote a piece about his initiative to stop fake news, which is a noble initiative for a 9-11 truther.
	And he printed out the blog post I wrote and held it up to his face on TV and said, It says I'm completely insane.
	And that's the punchline.
	Oh my gosh.
	And who can't do an Alex Jones impersonation?
	Well.
	It says I'm completely.
	She sounds like Steve Martin doing Roger Stone.
	Anyway, this is a complete waste of time.
	Dude, that really was.
	What a nightmare that was.
	That was gray.
	The lunatics have taken over the asylum.
	What happened to my alma mater vice?
	I don't know, man.
	Boy.
	I hope one day that they just.
	It'd be cool if one day they just, they're just like, you know what?
	We need everything back that...
	We can't get into a rhythm here.
	I was just about to say.
	Celebs.
	Thank you, celebrities.
	100 episodes.
	Yes.
	Who's this now?
	Whoa.
	Oh, Christopher Watkin.
	Wow.
	Yes.
	I've never met you before.
	I'd be damned if I didn't congratulate you on having 100 shows.
	Thank you.
	Thank you very much.
	We were in a movie together, by the way.
	I don't know if you know that.
	What?
	Yeah, that movie with that little girl, the Amber Heard, where she's a pop star.
	Oh, yeah.
	And you're her dad or something?
	I play her father.
	Yeah.
	Big daddy.
	Big daddy walking.
	Walking down the street.
	Hey, have you ever seen this in barber shops?
	They say walk-ins, welcome, and it has your face.
	It's like a common thing now.
	I've seen it all.
	Okay.
	The walking dead.
	People walking around talking like me.
	But I'd be damned.
	I never even thought of that.
	If that little gook press some buttons.
	He's Japanese in Puerto Rico.
	I'd be damned.
	Congratulations.
	I don't understand that you lashing out at Ryan.
	What's that got to do with anything?
	I'd be damned if the gooks take his family heirloom.
	He give me the watch.
	Remember that?
	No, was it Deer Hunter or something?
	Pulp Fiction.
	Oh, I've never seen it.
	Bye.
	Here's another thing on this.
	Called me a gook.
	Oh, yeah, sorry.
	What I was going to say about Eve Piser is these women have been saying, hey, assholes, hey, white males, you've been the keepers of the gate for so long.
	And we're sitting here with so much talent and so much to say.
	Give us a voice.
	And we go, okay, okay, shit.
	Calm down.
	Here, ladies, take over vice.
	Here, ladies, take over stand-up comedy.
	Come on in.
	You're the funny.
	We'll even pretend you're the funniest girl in New York.
	We'll put that on a list.
	A listicle.
	And then they come out and they have this willful ignorance of humor and color and bore the shit out of us with six minutes of just nattering.
	I mean, I don't even think that's worthy of a conversation one-on-one with someone.
	It had the vibe of talking to her girlfriends.
	And she's not nervous is the thing.
	Yeah, it sort of sounded like she was at a sleepover.
	And, you know, at the point, just as you're falling asleep, she's like, Alex Jones is my boyfriend.
	You still awake?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Getting there.
	I interviewed Mark Cuban once.
	I was talking about capitalism.
	Roast me.
	Make New York unsafe again.
	Wow.
	He wants to get raped.
	Just kidding.
	So that is her, I guess.
	All right.
	Groody.
	I saw this sketch on SNL, and I want to be clear here that when I bitch about comedy, I don't want any censorship.
	I don't want Eve Pizer not to be able to do that.
	I don't want SNL to stop doing any particular types of jokes.
	I don't want art censored ever.
	Even in the house, if there's music with swear words in it, I don't swear around the kids.
	They're not allowed to swear.
	But if the music has swear words in it, I don't worry about it.
	Even like N-word and rap songs.
	Because that's art.
	And it's important to me that the kids know that art can't be touched.
	Piss Christ?
	I'm not bananas about Piss Christ, but I want it there.
	Or the Virgin Mary dung thing where they made the Virgin Mary to dung.
	I want that there too.
	And one of the reasons is it's open to my interpretation.
	Like Piss Christ, I look at it and I think one angle is this is how Christ is treated globally with 250 Christians killed every day.
	And proving the point by having it be a featured art piece.
	Yeah, or even like the Virgin Mary in dung, it's like the fact that that was made and Islam would burn down the Brooklyn Museum if they had ever even considered that and we allow it.
	It sort of show the martyrdom within Christianity and the way that it's taken advantage of.
	So even if he was trying to be insulting, I still think that's interesting.
	Or that movie they canceled, The Hunt, where it was about hunting Trump supporters and all these Trump supporters got all pissy and they had the movie canceled.
	Fuck off.
	That's why I hate conservatives.
	Don't cancel the movie.
	I think it's an interesting angle.
	This is how the left sees us.
	Rachel, Maddow, Chris Hayes want me to die.
	Can we see, are we allowed to see this movie?
	I don't know.
	It's probably a limbo just like your movie.
	Well, like it exists, but there's just so much.
	That's another thing that pisses me off.
	You want that, what is it, the crossbones?
	I got a credit card.
	I'll pay $15.
	Why can't I watch this?
	Anyway, so that's a lot of hullabaloo before I show this.
	But again, remember what I was saying the other day about SNL and how they can't do Jew jokes.
	They can't do Muslim jokes.
	They can do Christian bashing, but they lose their audience.
	And they can't do anything racial anymore.
	They can't do anything gay anymore.
	They hired that gay Chinese guy who's not funny just because you're supposed to.
	And so it seems like the only place they're allowed to make fun of people, it's kids, incest, and then shitting on the family.
	The holidays are here.
	So head to Macy's for Unbeatable GPS.
	My wife wore heels like that every day.
	Men's blades are starting at $49.99.
	Cashmere tops for her from $79.99.
	And for your little ones, Macy's has the festive fashions that'll have them sing, it's the season for wrestling your wiggly little monster into thick winter clothes.
	So all month long, we're taking 25% off boys' merino wool sweaters.
	I thought that immediately.
	I was like, geese.
	And 40% off cozy corduroy that'll pinch his little nuts.
	See?
	What the hell?
	Pinches little nuts?
	Pants don't pinch nuts, by the way.
	Yeah, that's never happened to me ever in my life.
	So if this was Archie Bunker and the crapping on the kids was just one of the many groups that got crapped on, then it would just be like, oh, this is raunchy comedy.
	But it's not like that.
	It's just like, kids, fuck the family.
	There's always something about like, you know, say what you want about a little boy, but if you're like, and it cramps her little tits or something.
	Yeah, yeah.
	You know, the, yeah.
	Pedophilia towards boys is like kind of okay.
	Remember that commercial with the baby dancing and they got all these chicks arounding him?
	If it was the other way around?
	Can you stop talking, please?
	James.
	And for your little girl, it's half off all hard, shiny shoes that hurt.
	Welcome to being a woman, Kylie.
	And 30% off all holiday rompers.
	She'll never get off in time.
	Hey, you have to tell mommy when you have to go.
	The weather outside may be frightful, but in Macy's, we've got kids to get away from the middle.
	I bet none of these people have kids, too.
	I guarantee you the writers don't.
	You're good.
	You didn't hear that, buddy.
	You saved an extra 10% on snowpacking.
	You don't put your kids in the car seat with their jackets on.
	Sorry, Snow.
	You need to put the foot sideways and twist it.
	Well, if you can do it, then do it!
	And being snowpawned.
	We always go on to one season.
	You need to learn, David.
	Days that don't.
	Ways.
	That could have been it right there.
	Okay, well, if this is going to be your attitude, maybe we should tell my mom we're not coming.
	Now it's just a show.
	You know what I mean?
	Now it's the dysfunctional family's Macy's show on HBO.
	And for your new arrivals, we've got precious winter onesies with so many tiny buttons and snaps.
	You'll let your baby sit in a loaded diaper for hours just to avoid having to put it.
	I think we should check out the mailbag.
	We're running out of time here, right?
	Oh, man.
	And do you think we're going to get more celebs calling us?
	Yeah, the lines are backed up.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah.
	Well, I'm open.
	Let's turn our eyes together.
	Let's make it.
	I gotta be nervous when I get 900 calls in a row.
	it's usually not good Is it all clear on the questration?
	Oh my god, it's my kids' school.
	School.
	They called me at 5 a.m. this morning to say there'd be delays.
	That's inappropriate.
	It's like, do you people have a roof on this building?
	Who cares if it's raining outside?
	No, it's icy rain.
	The kids could slip.
	Yeah.
	Kids slip.
	What if it's poison rain?
	Let me ask you that, Buck.
	Oh, Jesse Ventura.
	Wow, welcome to the show.
	I've been on your show a couple times.
	Yeah, you sure have.
	We got into a fight about the Redskins.
	Oh, yeah.
	I remember that.
	Are you still off the grid?
	I'm off the grid.
	You know it.
	Satellite phone, JK, no phone.
	I'm borrowing my friend's phone to Skype you.
	You know, I look at you and you look like something out of a horror movie.
	It's hard to realize that you were once a pro wrestler.
	Yep.
	I can body slam you and pile drive you just as good as anybody else.
	Let me ask you something, son.
	When's your birthday?
	July 17th.
	All right, then.
	Okay.
	Go ahead.
	You're off the grid.
	Yep.
	You're in the military.
	Of course.
	You're a politician.
	That's right.
	You like to surf.
	Love it.
	You're just such a the variety in your life.
	It's just incredible.
	Like, what haven't you done?
	Just about.
	I don't play guitar.
	You know, that's.
	People confuse me with Ted Nooge.
	Do you think maybe that's the steroids that made you bald, or are you going to go bald anyway?
	I'm not going to answer that.
	And who are you, mister?
	I actually don't.
	I've never seen you and the My Pillow guy at the same place at the same time.
	And you sound exactly like him.
	I get that a lot.
	Say my pillow.
	My pillow.
	With patented fill.
	All right.
	Well, thanks for calling.
	Bye.
	And thanks for congratulating me on my 100th episode.
	No problem.
	Congratulations.
	Thank you.
	Bye.
	Sweet guy.
	I want some bigger celebs.
	Yeah.
	I thought we had bigger names.
	Okay, someone's...
	And then what was the other letter?
	Oh, that's Situation Celeb.
	And then Avie.
	Was a letter.
	And then the Avie kid from Pentatonic.
	So do we do all the letters?
	You guys are running the show.
	Yeah.
	We're also kind of winding down.
	It's the last week before the holidays.
	So we're relying on you to pick up the slack.
	And you're doing a wonderful job.
	Thank you.
	Watch this video.
	It's just like you were saying on yesterday's show about kids.
	So I click on the video.
	Have you got that?
	Yep.
	This is an ancient one.
	I've seen this before.
	Because I eat them.
	Why?
	Because I eat them.
	Alright, you're on video.
	I eat them.
	Do you buy meat from the supermarket?
	Yeah, but we're not going to supermarket.
	You know, they get killed in dirty areas.
	Nasty, a whole bunch of blood leaking.
	That's why I'm saying.
	That's why you don't want that.
	You're like a hero on Long Island right now.
	What?
	Because kids are upset.
	They're crying because you want to kill deer.
	I'm sorry that they're crying.
	You need to explain to them that it's part of life.
	No, why don't you go, Luke?
	Get away.
	Excuse me, please.
	Don't hit my car.
	You have a bet?
	Yep.
	How would you like to see your cat down?
	You're a rider.
	First of all, yeah, the viewer is right.
	The arrogance on these kids talking to someone like that.
	And also, how are you not familiar with deers on a truck?
	How long have you been living in America for?
	Or North America?
	I saw the first deer on a truck about an hour after I emigrated to Canada in 1975.
	Right?
	I see them on tractors all the time.
	In fact, you have to get tags because people eat them too much.
	And they're worried about the population.
	Which I think is ridiculous, by the way.
	They're elegant rats.
	If you want to eat them, thank you for eating rats.
	Get rid of them all.
	They're stupid.
	And they eat everything.
	You know the only way I could have an apple tree when I lived upstate?
	It was in a mesh cube.
	Top, bottoms.
	And even then I had to worry about grubs burrowing under.
	And that was because of the goddamn deers.
	Hang out in somebody's neighborhood right now.
	I'm not trying to do anything bad.
	Why don't you go somewhere else?
	Yeah, you are.
	I'm not trying to do anything bad.
	You're using a weapon to a live animal.
	Okay, and I'm going to eat it.
	Instead, you let somebody else kill it.
	No, you're not.
	I'm not going to eat it.
	Dude, we don't want to see it.
	What are you hunting for?
	All right, the guy is coming here on the way now.
	The officer is on the way.
	Officer?
	Okay.
	This guy in the truck is just as bad.
	They're all imbeciles.
	First of all, discipline your kid.
	Don't let him talk to people like that.
	Secondly, explain to your kid what hunting is and how it's more ethical to shoot a deer and eat it than it is to buy a hot dog.
	And third, why is this dude in the car calling the cops?
	Please.
	There's a child outside.
	He has a plastic hockey stick and he doesn't approve of my diet.
	Wow.
	You really, you really are.
	You're an asshole.
	Wow.
	You're not going to reprimand your kid for that at all.
	That's nice.
	By the way, next, you're lucky there's an adult there.
	What is your kid?
	Fuck you?
	I didn't hear anything.
	Fuck you.
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	Okay, why don't you say that to an MS-13 kid when dad's not around?
	If you let your kid talk like that, your kid's going to be in danger.
	Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
	Wow.
	What a little bitch.
	Are you kidding me?
	Are you kidding me?
	I can't sit here for this.
	I can't.
	What a pussy.
	And he had bad adrenaline control, too.
	They're killed in dirty places.
	I'm going to eat dirtier places than this.
	You say, you go, relax.
	I'm a deer hunter.
	I hunt deer and I eat them.
	What are you talking about?
	You never seen a dead deer before?
	You eat meat.
	This is much more ethical than what you do.
	I only eat meat.
	Oh my God, Jordan Peterson.
	Wow.
	I'm on a strict meat diet.
	You know, I discovered you, basically.
	And when I used to get you on my old show all the time, then you got too famous.
	Now you won't return my calls.
	I've been very busy.
	And, you know, I'm on this pure meat diet because my daughter told me to, you know, try to eat meat.
	Your daughter told you to try to eat meat?
	Eat nothing but meat.
	And I told you, I told Joe Rogan this.
	I ate a cracker and I was on the bed for a week.
	I was bloody out.
	I had a piece of pollen hit my tongue.
	I was asleep for five hours.
	Oh, you sound kind of Irish there.
	Yeah.
	I guess Canadian is sort of linked.
	Canadian accent is Scotch-Irish.
	Anyway, I want to congratulate you for having 100 episodes.
	Tarti Tree and a Tard episodes.
	Wait, why is it 33 and a third?
	Ah, just trying to be Irish, would you?
	Oh, okay.
	But yeah, Toodaloo and, you know, God bless.
	Okay.
	Bloody Jordan Peterson on the line.
	Wow.
	That was exciting.
	See, people don't think I know celebrities.
	It's easier to list the celebrities I don't know.
	I don't know Jay-Z.
	You don't?
	I do not.
	I think he knows you.
	Okay.
	This is from Curtis.
	It's a black name.
	Not sure if you guys saw this.
	It's the perfect way to deal with street protests.
	Keep up the good work, great work.
	And this is from old Kurti Bastard.
	Dear leftist protesters, this is what will happen if you try to block people from getting to work.
	People have to put food on the table and don't have time for your nonsense.
	Watch till the end.
	What is going on?
	What was his name again?
	His name is Curtis.
	It's right below the John one that you just read.
	I'm going from the top down.
	Gotcha.
	Gotcha.
	Just pause.
	This goes back to what I was saying with the kid and yesterday with that woman who was harassing the other woman for having loud music.
	We told all these people that they're invincible, and they all think they're Connor McGregor now.
	Or worse, they can beat up a car.
	It's exactly like that idiotic statue where they had the girl, the four-year-old girl standing in defiance of the Wall Street bull, which would gore a child in a tenth of a second.
	That's right.
	And that's a good example, by the way, of not restricting art, because I look at that and I love it.
	Matt Palumbo and I were talking about that.
	How the TV, I mean, sorry, those sculptures say exactly what I'm saying, which is we're empowering these young girls to the point where they think they can take on a car or a bull.
	And that's not helping anyone.
	This is not going to end well.
	Oh, someone threw a pylon.
	I wouldn't have predicted that.
	It's just the cone.
	What a perfect shot.
	That's a misdirect.
	Yeah, by the way, if you've ever been hit with a pylon, it kills.
	No.
	Oh, my God.
	It looks like rubbery softball has to.
	What part did it hit her with.
	Oh, yeah, the bass?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, that'll hurt you.
	No, it weighs about 10 pounds.
	Holy smokes.
	Even though it's made of soft, nice material, it makes a lot of it.
	We used to hang out with this band Cerebral Balsy.
	They played my 40th.
	I love that.
	Holy shit, that was nine years ago.
	They played my 40th birthday party.
	But the drummer, someone threw a pylon at the drummer, and it knocked him unconscious.
	Wow.
	Cerebral Balsy.
	Great guys.
	I was worried about that singer, though.
	Great guys.
	I think his name's Devotion or something.
	That sounds like a stripper name.
	Promise.
	One of those weird kind of hippie names.
	All right.
	Oh, he's wearing a street carnage shirt.
	That was fun.
	Thank you for that letter.
	Adam.
	Oh, I almost said his last name.
	Love you guys.
	Gav talked about Larry Barnes and his boxing gym the other day in detail.
	Someone's going to show up there and ruin your day.
	Then, I guess it would be pretty funny to see them get the shit beat out of them.
	Anyway, keep up the good fight.
	Yeah.
	Docs are your dox, you know?
	Oh, my God.
	Jay-Z.
	It's your boy Hova.
	Thanks for calling to congratulate me on my 100th episode, Jay-Z.
	No problem, Kevin.
	It's the rock in the building.
	It's your boy Hova.
	You cut your hair short.
	I just saw yesterday you had that Basquiat hair.
	Now you're back to shaved?
	Uh-huh.
	Uh-huh.
	What's it like screwing Beyonce?
	You got 30 minutes.
	Can you ask her something?
	I saw her doing an ad for blonde shampoo, and I was thinking, that's not your hair.
	And you can't get it wet.
	Yeah.
	I mean, I'm allergic to that level of hypocrisy.
	You should see me and her trying to go to a swimming pool because we both have long hair as of now.
	That don't sound like me much no more.
	Okay, bye.
	All right, this is a long one.
	This will have to be our last one.
	Hi, Gavin.
	You all talk about the importance of kids having fathers in their lives, but what if your dad is a total fucking loser?
	By the way, I noticed your dad hasn't called in.
	Why would he?
	That's disappointing.
	Why would he start now?
	But what if your dad is a fucking loser?
	I know everyone my age says that, but hear me out and get your cringing boots on.
	My dad comes from a pretty successful family.
	His uncle ran the largest car dealership in the region.
	Both of his brothers are affluent tradesmen slash entrepreneurs.
	They all live in gigantic houses in rural areas.
	My dad has spent his whole life shuffling between shit paying jobs and raised me in a shack in the slums of Salt Lake City, which is a shitty city to grow up in.
	You can't even get booze.
	The first thing I want to mention, and probably the most important, is his relationship with my mom.
	I got thinking about this when I saw Biggs talking about how it's the responsibility of the parents to display a loving relationship with each other so their kids don't turn to porn.
	I will say too, the other great thing about staying together is when that kid is married and he's having trouble with his marriage, his context is parents that were together.
	So they power through it.
	And there will be some rough times.
	Because my parents are still together.
	My wife's parents are still together.
	And I think that helps our marriage.
	Was that Katsu?
	You always have to power through that.
	Be a father is very hard.
	You abandoned Ryan when he was like a baby.
	No, no, no, that's not being a father.
	That's you making up for not being a father.
	It's so difficult.
	No, you're supposed to be there for your son.
	We have a mailbag song that we play that says, Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
	It's become his identity.
	I am his male dad.
	That's ironic, something crazy.
	It's not something crazy.
	It's something negligent.
	And if your mouth is dry, you can lick the envelope so it doesn't stick.
	What do you think of his hair?
	Oh, I don't care.
	something crazy um...
	Ryan?
	Sorry, something crazy.
	All right, there's no more meat left on the bone here.
	Okay, then bye.
	I didn't have that.
	I had to fight tooth and nail to quit my porn addiction.
	In fact, my dad has never given me any advice in dating a woman in general, I suspect, because he's married the first woman who paid any attention to him.
	This guy doesn't sound like a loser.
	He stuck around his wife, and you're blaming him on the fact that you watch porn?
	Hey, dude, have you ever heard of culpability?
	That woman became my insane, obese mother.
	My mom was a disciplinarian.
	I've always been more afraid of her than dad.
	In fact, dad's afraid of her, too.
	When he caught me watching porn as a teenager, he was sort of mad, but didn't really punish me the way he should have.
	The only thing he said was, I don't want to deal with how your mother's going to react to this, so just never speak of it again.
	These days, I know that if he would have beaten my ass, maybe I would have quit when I was young.
	Jesus Christ, dude.
	You're putting your porn addiction on your father for not being tough enough?
	That's a loser thing to do.
	My dad was never there, and I became Earnman.
	Oh, my God.
	Yep.
	Robert Downey Jr.
	Just wanted to come in, jet in real quick, and say that because me and Jarvis have an appointment, and me and Thor and the Incredible Hulk, maybe you've heard of him.
	Maybe, maybe, just maybe.
	Yeah, I'm very familiar with him.
	I didn't know that about you.
	You didn't have a father growing up?
	He was very busy.
	He was a scientist man.
	He always made me feel like dirt.
	And so I built a metal Ironman suit.
	Cool.
	I'm not sure if that was Robert Downey Jr. or Tony Star.
	Yeah, I don't know.
	When my mom busted my brother for doing the same thing, she beat the living shit out of him, removed any kind of computer device from his possession forever, said he wasn't allowed to go outside without a chaperone, effectively burning the poor 15-year-old kid's social life to ashes.
	Today, my brother is 20 years old and lives with his mommy, spending all day playing with Legos.
	Dad did nothing, so maybe his cowardice was for the best after all.
	This letter is depressing, and, you know, there's something I want to make clear.
	You are who you are from birth.
	If you're going to be involved in film, you're going to be involved in film.
	But that doesn't mean that your parents have no influence.
	Jimi Hendrix was always going to be a guitarist.
	His dad got up a guitar, but if his dad didn't, he wouldn't have.
	sorry, he still would have pursued music.
	It's just in him.
	So then you say, well, why bother parenting?
	Because you want to make their lives better.
	Like Jimi Hendrix should have gone to music schools and been in bands and been encouraged and had mentors and teachers.
	He had to learn to play, I believe, all by himself.
	So you're always, Jimi Hendrix was always going to be Jimi Hendrix, but you want to make the road there fun and interesting and loving.
	But that doesn't mean that everything good that you have is because your parents were there and everything bad you have is because they fucked up.
	You're responsible for you.
	You are always, statistically, a father in a household is always going to be responsible, at least partially, for the statistics.
	Is that Talib Starks?
	Oh, hi, Gavin.
	Hey, man, what's going on?
	You look kind of like you've gone blind since I last saw you.
	What's with your eyes?
	Well, no.
	See, in Philadelphia, it's always sunny here.
	That's where I live.
	Oh, I see.
	So it doesn't explain your eyes.
	By the way, folks, Talib Starks, I used to work with him at Compound Media.
	He's got a great show there.
	It's called Safe Space.
	One of the early Proud Boys.
	Safe Space.
	Yeah.
	That's what it's called.
	So statistically, you write, and I just want to tell you, have a good show.
	100, man.
	Wow, that's crazy.
	Okay, and by the way, it's statistically.
	Statistically.
	No, statistically.
	Also, it's not sword.
	It's sword.
	You don't pronounce the W. Okay.
	He never told me anything about money because he never knew anything about money.
	He's only worked two jobs the whole time.
	I've known him.
	His current one pays pretty well, but he hates it.
	He's never worked any overtime.
	Oh, my gosh.
	Your daddy didn't work any overtime.
	He's just bitching.
	And when he's not working, taking that and playing video games.
	He's always been that way.
	Every time I see him, the only thing he's excited for is a Star Wars movie.
	He's always complaining about the state of the neighborhood, even though he has enough money to move.
	In fact, I once advised that he evict my deadbeat siblings, both 20 or older, and sell the dump.
	He and mom get an apartment somewhere.
	He said that would be nice, but mom would never stand for that.
	This guy sounds like a brat.
	A little bit.
	Sorry, sir.
	I'm telling you all this because you don't quite have it right.
	Simply having a father isn't enough.
	If you don't have a father, you're likely to be a criminal.
	But if you have a loser of a dad, then you're likely to be a loser.
	I'm 23 years old and still trying to awkwardly figure out basic social shit that he should have taught me years ago.
	He should have taught me.
	I can't tell you just how frustrating it is that I have to look up to people like you and Donald Trump while seeing my own father as an example of what not to do.
	I end the rant with a question.
	You talk about the importance of family, but what do you do when your whole family totally sucks?
	I'm not clear about it.
	I know, I bet.
	I like your new sunglasses, RJ.
	By the way, in the unlikely event you respond to this on the air, can you reply to this email to let me know?
	I'm a subscriber, but I have a life and can't catch every episode.
	What a dude.
	I'm just going to email him right now.
	We read it on air today.
	You come out pretty bad.
	I guess I'll be blaming your dad for how bad that fucking letter was.
	Yeah, my dad didn't even teach me to write half decent letters to people.
	He was never there for him.
	Do you know what I mean?
	Ricky Gervais, hi.
	Yeah, well, here's the thing.
	If your father's not there, you got to take comedy.
	You take pain, right?
	And you turn it into comedy.
	Because when you die, nothing happens.
	Do you know what I mean?
	Yeah.
	Thank you.
	Sorry.
	Congratulations.
	We've had about 100 celebrities call in.
	Well, we're out of time, I'm afraid.
	But I wouldn't mind something really intense.
	Like, what about...
	Well, you seem to have a plan here.
	What do you mean?
	I don't know what you mean.
	Well, yeah, I mean...
	Oh, oh, yeah.
	Yeah.
	So.
	Well, let's see who this is.
	Chilloo, it's not me.
	What's with your mouth, Jack?
	What?
	Oh, that's better.
	Rock and roll.
	That's it.
	So, there's that.
	Oh, wait, just in case.
	Okay.
	Challo, it's a bass.
	He didn't do his line exactly.
	What is it?
	Chillo, it's a bass.
	He didn't do it.
	Challo, it's a bass.
	How you doing that, Gavin?
	Oh, can you tell me about Tony Curtis?
	Tony Curtis used to get banged in the butt by Hollywood executives so often.
	He had to tie a rope around his waist so that way shit wouldn't tumble out of his ass.
	Your nose is looking a lot better.
	Yeah, I gained some weight.
	My nose is back.
	Yeah, you actually look really different from when I last saw you.
	Last time I saw you, you had short hair, a tan.
	You looked very handsome outside of the deflated speed bag that was hanging out in the middle of your face.
	Thank you, thank you.
	Yeah, yeah, that's all good things there.
	So congratulations.
	So, yeah, but there actually is a pretty special message and guest.
	Oh, Chris Cotton, who's dead, has managed to call in for our 100th episode.
	This is truth.
	Hey, Chris.
	What's up, Gavin?
	I thought you died.
	I look great.
	Yeah, I like how I look.
	This looks good.
	This has got the beard going.
	It's always a good time coming on the show.
	Listen, right now I'm excited.
	I just took my son-in-law.
	Well, I'm sorry, was it?
	My brother-in-law?
	Yeah, not my son-in-law.
	It's weird.
	My brother-in-law just took him to a drive in Tennessee past.
	Really, it's 100 episodes.
	I don't know what you want me to tell.
	It's not a birthday thing.
	I'm just telling you what I'm doing today.
	That's all I have for you.
	This video is not going to get better.
	You ask for a minute.
	I'm doing the best I can to get to this minute, but this is really stupid.
	Okay?
	Like, 100 people and 100 guests.
	I'm not technically a guest right now.
	I'm in a car.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Like, I mean, I know you're saying I'm being a guest because I'm sending you a video, but that's really not how guests works.
	I don't think, like, if I jerk off to a porn star, was she a guest in my home?
	No, I just jerked off to her.
	I don't think she was a guest.
	But, okay, by your system, happy 100th.
	Have a good one.
	Chris Cotton.
	Ninas, go Ninas.
	All that.
	Something cool.
	Fill up the blanks.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	Never had a message from a dead man.
	There's something really nice about just hearing about mundane stuff.
	Just picking up a kid, this happened.
	We like to end every show with a video.
	This video makes me miss the 80s.
	It was so ballsy and fun and dangerous.
	When Trump says make America great again, he means this.
	He means the 80s.
	Before everything was about safety and being sued and not offending people and making sure everything fits into place perfectly and we can't clap, we have to go like this.
	Before we all became pussies, basically.
	This is Pee Wee Herman giving an award.
	No, this is Pee Wee Herman being interrupted by a monster from Rubble Cop.
	Our first nominees.
	Like, that looks super dangerous.
	You want your Oscar or you'll tear my head off my body?
	What Oscar?
	I want the sound of Xenophon.
	Can we just pass it here?
	I got into an argument with Roger Stone, who's always said your blazer has to be darker than your pants.
	And I said, but I have these black pants I like and I want to wear them with a blue blazer.
	And he goes, absolutely not.
	Never.
	And then I sent him this and I go, this is Pee Wee.
	He looks great.
	And he's got black pants and his blazer is lighter than his top.
	And he goes, that's a gray top.
	Sorry, that's a gray blazer with black accents.
	Totally different story.
	Wow.
	Stone's rules.
	Stone's rules.
	Sound effects editing.
	We already gave that Oscar out.
	Sorry.
	Good loser.
	I don't sell not those papers.
	I want my Oscar.
	I'll give you 10 seconds to comply.
	Ten seconds?
	Can we discuss this?
	Oh my god!
	Help us, RoboCop!
	You can never find a Robocop when you need one.
	Oh my god!
	How good is this?
	And then he hangs on the rafters.
	I would be scared.
	I'd be terrified.
	I'd be terrified, friend.
	Look at him.
	I'd terrified friend.
	So he was on wires that whole time when he was announcing.
	And there's RoboCop.
	And then RoboCop shows up.
	Holy crap.
	That's awesome.
	Can we get back to the moment?
	We want to go back to this.
	Look at all this smoke.
	This is like our production level right now, the Laser Beast.
	There's Paul Rubens hanging from the rafters.
	They never get insurance for that now.
	All right, Louis.
	It's safe to continue giving the award now.
	Thanks, Rebecca.
	Oh, my God.
	That's all I want.
	A return to danger.

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