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Dec. 12, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:17:53
S02E98 - PLAYING GOD
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Time Text
Don't try to go and make up the muddy send five million.
Big up with the sell to the maximum.
Now, there is more than six million who used to die.
So, one boy with the truth is blood clot.
I don't know.
I'm trying to check the champion.
I'm from New York.
Yeah, man.
That's how they're murdering.
I don't kill.
I won.
Yeah, man.
Kevin.
I'm kidding.
You don't know, sir.
Respect up there.
I read him checking a select a car right now with a hit run.
I know.
We kill some select a boy around here.
I got them a babe like them a bitch.
Who is this?
Ducky starts.
Ducky Ranks.
That was Diplo, because he's from Philly.
And a friend of mine just died.
Chris Cotton kicked the bucket.
And more people died too.
A lot of death today.
Jersey City's a war zone.
Yesterday, two lunatics went on a shootout and ended up at a kosher grocer and murdered two, I guess, Orthodox Jews, right?
If they're running a kosher place.
We'll get to that.
Fascinating details about that and the reaction.
But before we get started with anything, I'm kind of in shock here.
I just found out Chris Cotton was going to be my co-host.
He regularly co-hosted my old show, the Gavin McInnes Show.
We got along great.
Very funny guy.
A lot of rude sex jokes and stuff, especially on podcasts.
Talked about South Philly a lot and how where he grew up, it was hell.
But what a lot of people don't think knew about him is that he was a very religious guy.
And we would get into arguments because he wasn't happy with how little I gave Jesus attention.
He knew I was Catholic and Christian, but he kept pushing me.
He said, do you accept Christ as your personal savior?
Because you sound more like you just believe in God.
You have to accept Christ to be Catholic.
And he would send me texts.
My God, it's weird when someone dies, you go over their texts, right?
Yeah.
And it's like this little ghost is in your phone all of a sudden.
To be saved, you have to have faith.
Then in brackets, believe that God, prophet or creator, came to earth, died on earth, came back to life, and he is currently preparing a place in heaven for all who believe and repent their sins to God.
I wonder how many people knew that about him.
We also disagreed about Trump a lot.
He said Trump was racist and blah, blah, blah.
I don't think it's fair to read those texts out, but I sure he'd be fine with that.
I hope he's in a better place.
I can't get any details about what happened.
I don't know if he OD'd.
He's only 32 years old.
So I guess we'll keep you informed on that.
I guess you don't care, but he's a funny guy.
Let's show some of his stand-up.
Have you got some of that?
What's up, Sony?
Thank you, Sonia, for that introduction.
I'm Andrew.
I don't do festivals outside the country.
I don't go out the country.
I don't trust people.
I'm not going out the country.
Fuck that.
You don't even like me here.
You look rich to get outside.
I don't even want to block unless I got to.
They make good hoes across the street.
That's my theory.
You want to go to the wild wild?
Who drives me?
I got to drive.
I got to lose my spots.
Fuck out of here.
I'm not going to walk.
Okay, you get it.
Very black guy.
Hair's cutting.
Very black.
It was hard when we were on the same show because we had to do a lot of contrast work with the lighting.
That's not true.
Well, Talib Starks is.
I remember that.
He was fun, too.
One time we had David Duke on the show.
And David Duke is really into nutrition and dieting.
And he thinks that bread is really bad for you.
He thinks we shouldn't be eating bread.
And he thinks that white bread is even worse than normal bread because it's been bleached.
And that, you know, white sugar, all that stuff.
He calls it white death.
And so he is breaddest against white bread.
So we had him on my show.
All I could find, by the way, Vimeo made Keith the Cop take down all my old shows on TGMS because of Proud Boys, because I'm the leader of a hate group.
Vimeo.
So I found this on some on Greatest Hits montage.
Oh, there's Dante Nero.
Oh, this is when we came up with the idea of no wanks together.
I will commit to once a month.
Whoa.
All right.
I'll meet you once a month and raise you nothing.
Now, I want to focus specifically on this, your belief that white bread is evil.
Well, you know, I'm not saying that all grains are evil.
All right, that's enough.
Not really showing a lot of Chris Cotton.
But yeah, sorry.
I guess, you know what?
When you lose a friend, it's kind of self-indulgent to talk about it on a show.
Unless you have a great montage of all their best clips.
I mean, what am I doing right now?
I'm just saying I had a black friend.
I'm not really helping his memory or anything.
I mean, it's sort of like when someone dies.
Remember when Harris Whittle died and everyone had a picture on Instagram of them with their arm around him?
What are you saying?
How are you helping?
You're just saying I knew a dead guy.
Well, they say that you die two deaths.
One when you leave the earth and the other one when people stop talking about you.
Yeah.
I guess there's some hope there that someone will look him up and go, oh, that was a cool guy.
Oh, what happened?
I remember him on your show.
Yeah, he was an awesome dude.
Great back and forth between you guys.
It was just a super funny guy.
Yeah.
You were interested in each other.
You were like, you know, you were trying to figure out how each other ticks, kind of, but you got along on stuff.
You make each other laugh.
It was great.
You should show your face when you talk, Ryan.
Okay.
What are you dressed as?
Just a dude.
You look like Andy No's brother.
I don't like that.
But I have a nice camo tie with a wooden clip.
I think I want to get like a an orange.
You know the bright orange hunter orange to contrast it?
So it looks like a nice hunting tie.
Yeah, it doesn't look like a camo tie from here anyway.
It's invisible.
I wouldn't have known if you'd said that.
People are like, where's your tie?
Yeah, people like, where's your tie?
Where's your tie?
It's invisible.
All right, so should we talk about the fun stuff first or get into the news?
I'm always down for fun.
Let's do fun stuff first.
It's like the New York Post.
The New York Post starts out with like a woman who treats her rescue dogs like shit.
And then we get into the heavy stuff.
So let's keep it light first, right?
Yes.
Lilith's, what's her name, Lizzo?
Lizzo's ass is gross.
Have I got that here?
Hot take.
Hot take.
2-1.
So she's a brave.
Is that each of her cheeks ratings?
That's a two?
That's a one.
Yes.
And I'm not exaggerating.
And you know how I don't like to give low numbers.
She goes to a Lakers game and she has to flash her ass.
And it's empowering and it's awesome.
You know why?
Because she has a shitty ass.
Not literally.
If it was someone with a beautiful fat ass, like actual round cheeks, then people would be outraged.
But because it would be sexist.
But because she's got this shitty sort of a chocolate tub hanging up the back, don't show her talking.
Where's the one where she's walking in the Lakers game?
We should show what we're talking about.
Yeah, there she is at the Lakers game.
Let's zoom in on that ass.
Here's the ass.
Because you see the concept of it first, right?
No, go up to the picture, Ryan.
Okay.
Picture right above it, please.
Picture right above it.
There.
So let's zoom in on that ass.
I mean, everyone's sitting there watching a game, and she comes out and flashes this weird, flat, cellulite, gross, chunky thing.
It looks like she's pregnant with a bunch of kids' toys.
You know what I mean?
It looks like Santa's bag.
Not his scrotum, but the bag he keeps the toys in.
It's so lumpy.
There's some lumps.
What are you showing off?
And then show her walking there.
No, not talking there.
So that's a little video, right?
Yeah.
Oh, maybe this is the actual clip of her doing the flash.
Oh, they're dancing to her song.
oh that's why you turn it up But she went there with a dress that has no ass.
So that's how she was just out and about.
She didn't expose her ass.
That's how her ass was presented.
She turned around and said, look at the back of my dress.
But if in that same clip, they should show her walking to there, and you see her walking with these disgusting cellulite cheeks.
Like, it would be like you showing your disgusting penis as opposed to me showing my godlike schlong.
You know what I mean?
Right.
Like, if you don't have it, don't flaunt it.
So what, it's not in the Daily Mail thing?
No, not from what I saw here.
But look at this.
Here's her.
New man on the Minnesota Timberwolves.
There it is!
New man on the Minnesota Vikings.
From the Minnesota Vikings.
Oh, God.
Who wants her take, lady?
Yeah.
Show us the big butt.
And so she gets on social media and says, you have to do your best you and you have to be proud of yourself.
No, no.
If your ass is disgusting, don't show it to people.
I mean, it's bad enough that you're so fat you're dying with your tiny purse.
That's pretty funny.
Wait a minute.
Go back to that.
That goes hilarious.
Did someone really do that to not be hot?
Luzo was at the Lakers game like...
If you have to wear a suit for TV or something, cut the backs off of everything.
That's a great idea, yeah.
Yeah.
Ben Johnson.
I like him.
Yeah, he's a hero.
Who is Ben Johnson?
I don't know anything about him.
Me neither.
That's not for us to know.
So that's also in the non-news.
And then, oh, we've been meaning to get to this for a while.
The Steve Harvey eye roll.
This is 1-7.
He was interviewing for the Miss whatever pageant.
Miss Universe is a really unattractive South African girl.
But this was, I don't know what stupid pageant this is.
I couldn't imagine watching those, especially now that they took the bikinis away.
Steve Harvey rolls his eyes after reading climate change question at Miss Universe pageant.
Now you gotta watch this closely because you only get a second.
Okay, now, the reason we brought this up is not because that's funny and that is amusing, but the tweeter who paused it, we want would like to elect him formally for the Nobel Pause Prize.
Check this out.
The guy who paused that.
What are you doing, Ryan?
This is a cut version or something.
Go back to the original motherfucking page and scroll down.
Ow.
I don't understand.
We talked about this.
And you're just showing me the pause.
Why would that previous pause win a pause prize?
I was confused too.
I was like, that's the video.
Are we not looking for the video?
No.
But wait a minute.
We've talked about the Nobel Pause Prize and we're laughing our heads off.
That's why I'm doing it.
And then you didn't know the picture?
I was confused.
It was cut.
It was cut?
Yeah, I was like, this is the full video.
This is what we looked at.
Yeah, that pause is from the full video.
The person paused it as one frame was going to the next frame.
I thought we already discussed this.
Yeah, it's amazing.
The Nobel Peace Pause or the Nobel Pause Prize?
Nobel Pause Prize.
Which I came up with.
Thank you.
Oh, that's her.
That's Miss Universe.
Look at her.
Nice hair, Miss Universe.
I don't think it's very great at all.
No, you look like someone at my gym.
At least we beat Mars.
At least Earth is on the map.
Thanks, South Africa, for putting Earth on the map.
A lot of South African shit these days.
A lot of South African shit these days.
All right, are we almost ready?
Yeah, I think we got to talk about it.
It's fucking big news.
And we have a very special guest to talk about this.
So as of a little bit, Wednesday morning, it was just Jersey City Warzone, right?
The New York Post is printed at, I think, 4 in the morning, and they can only tell us what they know at that time.
And all we knew is there was a big shootout in Jersey City.
They said with long guns, which I thought was a weird phrase.
I think they mean assault rifles, which are, again, just the same rifle your dad has to hunt with deer, made to look badass.
This was in Jersey City, which has slightly more lax gun laws than Manhattan and the five boroughs.
But with 1-3, we knew around 11 o'clock that there was hints of anti-Semitism.
I don't think that is it, though.
No, that was just a press conference.
Never watch those.
They're so boring.
It's watching a press conference.
No, you should go back to it, though.
Watching a press conference is like saying, who knows the least?
What is the base, base, baseline of knowledge we have here?
There was a shooting, and our hearts go out to the victims.
We are investigating them.
We will punish them with the floats that stand alone.
I know.
I know everything you're saying.
And they can't make statements on speculation like if you hear Twitter is replete with speculation.
Right.
And much of it turns out to be true.
They have to play it too safe.
So I'd rather see 900 pictures, 900 theories.
I'm not going to take them to the bank, but by the way, I just farted.
I hope it doesn't ruin my political career.
Or mine.
Or yours.
Look at this.
Who wants to watch this?
Anyway, let's get back to Earth.
So 1-4, I think it was the mayor of Jersey City, who is Jewish, saying, yeah, this is looking pretty anti-Semitic.
What does it say there?
Jersey City mayor says Jewish market was targeted in the shooting incident.
Mayor Fulop said that after reviewing the CCTV footage, it has become clear that the two gunmen who are now dead targeted the kosher market.
A police officer and three civilians were killed in the gun battle.
Now it's a man and a woman, right?
You still say gun men?
They didn't know it was a man and a woman then.
It should be gun persons.
Yes.
Gun X. Gun X. Yeah, yeah.
That's interesting that they go to the kosher groceries because they did that after Battaclan.
After they shot up the Battaclan, they went to a Jewish neighborhood and they went to a Jewish grocery and started shooting people there.
It's knowing where Jews are going to be.
And yes, there is a rise in anti-Semitism, but it's not from these guys.
Despite what the media tells you, it's not a MAGA thing.
It's a Muslim thing.
It's a black thing.
It's a black Hebrew-Israelite thing.
And despite what the media tells you, the black Hebrew-Israelites have nothing to do with Christianity or white supremacy.
Although we're going to see people trying to crowbar that in.
The black Hebrew Israelites consider themselves Jews.
What do they think of people who wear yarmucas and all that?
They laugh at them.
I used to argue with them in Brooklyn on the street, and I'd say, so you're denying the Holocaust?
And they go, no, no, no, the Holocaust happened.
They go, we're denying its validity.
They wouldn't use a term like validity.
Just the guy literally laughed.
God, I just became so claustrophobic all of a sudden.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The guy literally laughed when I brought it up, and he said they got the wrong people.
We have always been the true Jews.
And it goes back to like Ethiopia and Zion and the Lion of blah, blah, blah.
I don't have time to research it.
True Holocaust, it says on the shirt.
True Holocaust?
Wow.
Yeah, so they say they should have got it.
Well, they shouldn't have got us, but if they were looking for Jews to massacre, we were the ones.
You killed the wrong guys.
You got the wrong dudes.
So it shows you how nuts they are.
So, of course, I don't read press conferences.
I go to eager politicians like Andy No 15.
That's when we started seeing what's really going on here.
Officials slow to name Jersey City shooters, but those with knowledge identified them as David Anderson and Francine Graham.
Anderson was part of black Hebrew Israelites, a black nationalist anti-Semitic sect.
Now, this story is dead.
Dead in the water.
It's like if with George Zimmerman, they go, Peruvian Jew, huh?
If we blank him up in Photoshop, we can keep this story.
Or that Filipino guy who put bombs in everyone's mailbox, they saw him and they thought, yeah, he is ethnically ambiguous, but let's white him up a bit.
And he did like Trump, so I think we can use it.
This can't be used.
So this story, I promise you, is now officially over.
And this shows you that Ron Coleman is right.
A lot of these people that we're up against, and I avoid the term liberals these days, but you know who I'm talking about.
They are Bolsheviks, and all they care about is power.
So they will happily, and these include secular Jews, Jewish people, Jewish media are going to happily bury this story because it doesn't fit their narrative.
And you see that this is the way they treat Israel all the time, like it's a pain in the ass.
And they often say, being Jewish has nothing to do with Israel.
That's got a lot to do with Israel.
Did you see yesterday, this is a little off topic, but in the news, BDS is this boycott Israel movement, right?
And Trump is trying to thwart it.
So he said that American, that Jews are a nationality, linking them to Israel.
So you could say, well, then it's anti-Semitic to have BDS.
Jewish liberals took that to mean American Jews are not real Jews.
So this guy is out there trying to stop Israel from being choked, and Jews are thwarting him and calling him anti-Semitic.
You can't win with these lunatics.
It's clown world.
Don't even try.
But check this out.
Caroline Orr.
She's always good for a laugh.
Check out her tweet, 1-8.
Fuck your slow.
Nope.
You sure that's...
There's 17 and then 19 and right in between is what I clicked on.
Maybe some of them are left over.
So we have Christian fringe group.
Yeah, that's it.
The Jersey City shooter was reportedly linked to the anti-Semitic black Hebrew Israelites.
Good job, Caroline.
You are dead on so far.
Broadly speaking, yeah, this is how broads speak.
A mirror image of the Christian identity extremist ideology.
What?
They're called Israelites, and Christians are now responsible.
Embraced by many white supremacists.
So they're called black, and they're called black Israelites, and who's responsible?
Christian white people.
That's how their brains work.
And what does she end it with?
But with very different power dynamics.
Yeah, the power dynamics are pretty different, my dear.
Why are we giving women a voice?
What are they contributing?
You go to their Facebook and it just, it's a butterfly and it says follow your dreams.
Thanks for thanks for your two cents.
And then go back to this Christian fringe group.
One seven?
NBC News says the mode of the Jersey City attack on the kosher store by the Christian fringe group.
How are black Hebrew Israelites a Christian fringe group?
It's almost like there's a cone, a funnel, and the end spout is white supremacy.
And whatever happens in the news has to go down into this cone and come out white supremacy.
Even if it is the exact opposite, then you know what they say?
It's a mirror image.
Anyway, 1-6, we learn from Gateway Pundit that David Anderson, who looks kind of like a Black Ryan Katsu Rivera, and what appears to be some Indian chick, are the ones responsible.
There we are.
Black Ryan.
Black Ryan and Kegel Mike and Kegel Mike with a wig.
Who?
Jordan Peele.
Jordan Peele?
That doesn't look nothing like Jordan Peele.
What's the other guy, but I forgot his name.
So you can't do the joke then.
So wait a minute.
You couldn't remember the guy in your joke, so you just made it his comedy partner?
Yeah.
That's not how that works.
Everybody gets them confused anyway.
What?
So if someone looks like Ed McMahon and you can't remember his name, you say Johnny Carson.
No, because people know who they are.
Like, by face.
It's Michael Keegan, I believe.
Keegan Michael Key.
Keegan Michael Key.
Okay.
That's an annoying name, isn't it?
It is irritating.
It's hard to remember.
That's him with a wig.
Christian Fringe Group.
And anyway, this is 1.9.
I'm sure now this is all over the news.
This is ancient news to you, but you may remember the black Hebrew Israelites from the Covington Catholic School case, where they said they began taunting them and threatening the boys.
And these kids were like rural kids or they were, were they from Kansas or Wichita or something like that?
They're small town, southern kids.
Kentucky.
Kentucky.
And they see these big, scary black men in the big city, in a fucking dangerous city like D.C. Oh, good.
They have audio of them getting harassed.
You are not savages.
You are the children of God, according to the Bible.
You are the children of Israel.
Before you started worshiping totem pose, you was worshiping the true living God.
That's right.
Totem pose.
Before you became an idol worshiper, you was worshiping the true and living God.
And this is the reason why this land was taken away from you.
Because you worship everything you're doing.
Wait a minute.
So he's saying that Catholicism is a bastardization of religion, yet they're a Christian fringe group?
He said, before you worship false idols, you used to worship the Jews, meaning his people.
How is that Christian?
He's bawling out Catholics and calling them a bunch of incest babies.
And he also referred to the students as future school shooters.
But we dropped that and we focused on the Indian with the drum who was in the dude's face.
That's the story because he smirked.
And what did they say on USA?
Or what was the USA network or whatever?
Isn't that kind of aggressive?
Standing your ground?
So black Hebrew Israelites can yell their faces off.
Indians can go up and pick fights.
But if someone white stands their ground.
It's bad news.
If you were to hear this from the next studio, you would probably think this is a Nazi podcast, right?
Because you keep hearing all this defense of the white male.
Maybe it's red pilling.
But it's like you keep attacking us.
I mean, there's a black people murder Jews, and we're told that it's white supremacy and Christian fringe.
That's why I'm bringing this up, because you started it.
You drew first blood, as Rambo would say.
Well, it's that thing where they were just practicing white oppressive.
What was that other story?
It was the Indian kids that did something, and they were like, well, they were just exhibiting white behavior.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
There was Indian kids at a high school, and they were spitting on black girls, calling them the N-word.
I think one of them actually urinated on them.
And some black journalist who's got a name like painter, and she's just become a painter recently, she wrote an article about how they were subsuming or they were transmogrifying white racism, and it was coming out through them.
So it was like Ghostbusters.
The white racism went through their Indian bodies, possessed their arms, and then they were like, you're an N-word.
They were exhibiting whiteness.
You can't win.
You can't win.
And the irony is, my experience has been that white people are the least racist group there are.
Like a white guy, his daughter starts dating a black guy, pretty normal.
Not the end of the world.
Half the time they think it's really cool.
Go do that with a Korean dad or a Japanese dad.
Or why don't you, as a black man, start dating a white woman and introduce her to your black mom?
See how thrilled she is.
Why don't you walk your Asian, hey, black guy, walk your Asian girlfriend through the hood and see how well the other black women appreciate your new Asian date.
I'm guessing not a ton.
Apparently there was no P during that whole Indian thing.
No, what?
There was no urinating.
They were accused of urinating and yelling racial slurs.
It was just racial slurs.
Indian descent in quotes.
Indian descent.
What the fuck does that mean?
They say that the police now say that only the latter happened.
So only racial slurs were yelling slurs.
Oh, good.
National news for bad language, bad kids.
We agree that that's bad.
Yeah.
Misbehaving.
I think there's worse things happening in the world.
You don't get worse than this.
It's pretty bad.
This is it.
Did you hear the audio of that?
No?
Oh, by the way, before we get to the audio of that, the guy with the drum, remember him, right?
He said he was a Vietnam vet, which he technically was, but he was in the Vietnam War after it was over.
And he was a refrigerator repairman.
And he sucked at that and was fired.
He was discharged from the military for being too shitty at repairing fridges.
And you need a fridge in Vietnam.
You know what else you need?
I knew it.
Doctor, geez.
I keep thinking we have tons of time and we're way ahead of schedule.
And then I realize the clock's out of batteries.
We're actually late.
That's shit.
I'm kind of excited about this next guest, though.
Nathan Phillips is that Indian man.
Yes.
What, you were going to play audio of the...
Wait, don't find Nathan Phillips.
I gave the Nathan Phillips story as a As a filler for you to play the audio of the shooting.
Should we play this?
Is this a...
When did you get time to research this?
I just saw it had popped up on Twitter or something.
Let's see if they play any audio here.
Right here.
I've never experienced nothing like that in my life.
Police in Jersey City say it will be a while before this neighborhood returns to normal after a shootout terrified residents and put their homes in the center of a combat zone.
The investigation will exchange fire with police.
Just get out the street.
The shootout began at a cemetery just after noon, where officers confronted two people they believe on confidence.
That was a Bernard Bernie Kirk.
His son was one of the guys who saved the day and killed the shooters.
Sounds like Vietnam over there, man.
Shooters polluted with bullshit views on white people and Jews.
And I think the media is responsible for purporting these lies.
They're also responsible for not like the Covington bullshit not waking up people to the black Hebrew Israelites also led to this.
This whole, you know, there was an ABC News thing where they said, this is, we brought this up in advance.
This was an incident earlier.
We had a whole episode called Hate Has No Home Here or something like that, or the hate that hate made or something.
ABC News had this big special on hate, which was all about MAGA and anti-Semitism and racism coming from Trump supporters.
They didn't talk about the black Hebrew Israelites, but then they used this to say, see, we told you anti-Semitism was on the rise.
No.
Anti-Semitism is on the rise from actually the black Hebrew Israelites are not that common, obviously, but Muslims.
Anti-Semitism is everywhere.
You don't find it in MAGA.
You don't find it with Trump.
Drop that angle.
Look up this site.
We've seen this before.
It's all one.
That's one URL with obviously no apostrophe.
It's secular liberal Jews saying Trump is the issue.
We have to defend Muslims.
They should have a join the Jewish movement to defeat Trump.
They should have a big thing for the black Hebrew Israelites.
Of course.
Yeah.
Stop monitoring them.
Right?
Jews reject Trump.
Why?
Why?
All right.
What do you five?
Speaking of why, let me redo my tie, because we have a pretty, pretty important guy here to talk about this.
Ladies and gentlemen, without further to do...
God damn.
I can't believe men wore ties every day.
Bow ties.
Yeah, that is redunk.
That must have been a huge pain in the ass.
Never tied a bow tie, but I'm interested.
Well, I've got many videos online on how to do it.
Yes, let us.
Sorry.
Sorry about this, folks.
I'm watching.
I'm seeing how you do this.
You make the back part of the tie first.
Yeah.
You fold that, and then you stuff the front part of the tie through the back part of the tie.
There's a little hole that forms.
That's it?
Yep.
Oh, wow.
Way easier than tying a traditional tie.
No.
Because finding that hole is a bitch.
And then even after you put it all through, you have to keep shaping them until they make a bow tie shape.
All right, let's go to our guest.
God, are you there?
Hey, Gav.
Hey, Ryguy.
Hey, God.
Hey, Ryan, shut up.
You don't have a dad.
Hey, you noticed the song.
That was me, by the way.
You wrote that?
No, it was me that made the whole setup with the dads going away.
You know, a lot of people ask me why there is bad things in the world.
And I say, what's your options?
This is the problem with a lot of people.
They go, hey, I don't like that.
And you go, okay, what do you how does it work with you?
Like, people get mad at me where kids have a cancer.
And I go, Wait, do you have an accent there?
What are you a weird Russian guy?
Oh, I'm like, uh, it's not an accent.
You have an accent.
You say a boot.
Yeah, I guess.
Anyway, people ask me about the kids with cancer, and I go, okay, so no kids have cancer.
No kids get sick.
You kid, you jump off a hill, you can't hurt your leg.
You see that chick who got run over and her shin bone coming out her leg?
I just did that the other day.
Um, she knows now.
Okay, I don't jump in a car, on a moving car.
I don't pick a fight with the car.
You know, I have checks and balances in there.
Hold on a sec, hold on a sec.
How do we even know that you're God?
How do you know?
Okay, like, what do you want me to people who say this?
You want me to make a pencil float?
You want me to tell you that your first turn on was Christy Bradnox when you were a little kid?
You saw her wearing tube socks and the elasticity was gone and she used a rubber band and that made you sock guy forever now?
Holy shit, that is true about Christy Bradnox.
Hey, look at me.
Hey, what's up?
I'm Gavin.
Hey, look, I'm Ryan.
Is that good?
I mean, what do you want me to do?
I could make your brain believe it.
Okay, I totally believe that you're God.
Now, we just had these guys, the same guys that were messing with the Covington Catholic School kids, the black Hebrew Israelites.
I'm sure you're familiar with them.
We talk about them on the show quite a bit.
They're all over Brooklyn, and they're these guys who are black, black power.
They hate white people.
They more than just hate Jews.
They don't think Jews exist.
They think they're the Jews.
So when you mention the Holocaust to them, they laugh because they go, they got the wrong guys.
It would be like if you were trying to do the Armenian genocide and you got a bunch of Moldovans or something.
Anyway, they were just responsible, again, as I'm sure you know, for this shooting in Jersey City.
And it was an anti-Semitic attack at a kosher restaurant.
And when we see something as ridiculous as Hebrew Israelites murdering, I think they were Orthodox Jews, you think, where is God in all this?
What does God say about all this?
I'm glad you asked me about that.
This is kind of complex, and I have to speak down a little bit because, you know, when you get to Christopher Hitchens, people get all confused.
But the black Hebrew Israelites, they are just doing what all religions do, which is trying to figure out this, you know?
Yeah.
Jews, Catholics, Christians, everyone has a religion.
This is kind of, you know, I put a microchip at the very beginning, right?
You know, the first domino thing?
You know the movie where the guy eats the stuff at the beginning and then it goes in the water and then everyone has that forever?
Prometheus.
You mean the engineering sacrifice at the Prometheus 2012 movie?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So that's basically right.
You nailed it that.
In fact, some religions, like black Hebrew Israelites, get it worse than a fucking movie.
But some guys get close to understanding that in your DNA, I have built an awareness of me.
Awareness of Mother Nature.
I'm an awareness of what unifies us all.
That's what religion is.
These people going, I know something's up there.
I know, I look up, I see infinity.
Something crazy's going on.
Something crazy.
And some people fuck it up bad, like the cargo cult, you know them?
Yeah, that's that Aboriginal tribe in Papua New Guinea who they make planes out of wood.
Yeah, they worship a plane.
They see a plane go by, which is you guys.
You made that.
The Western world, right?
And they go, oh, it's magic.
It's a God.
Wait a minute.
What's happening to your accent now?
Now you sound more Italian.
Yeah, I am getting a little Italian now.
I like to move it around.
So Catholicism does a very good job.
Judaism, very good job.
That's closest to the truth.
So wait a minute.
The Jews don't believe that Jesus is your son.
The Catholics do.
Which group is right?
I'm not going to say that because you've got to figure that out.
But you're getting very warm.
And the black Hebrew Israelites, right, they could have been great.
They got Hebrew in there, they got Israelite.
But there's an animosity in this country, which is ironic because this America is a place close to God.
It's the one the most like God.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Now you're full Italian.
Now you're like, hey, close to God.
Or you like, you think like Buenos Arducci.
Yeah, I feel that too.
So when I set up this thing with the understanding that I live up here and I'm there and I, you know, you understand Mother Nature.
I'm Mother Nature.
You understand that there's a greater power, as the alcoholics say, right?
Once you realize that, you start formulating traditions and you get it together and you start recognizing something's out there.
And even it's funny with the atheists, they say, oh, I don't need that tradition.
And then you have like Joe Rogan, he does Sober October, which is just Lent.
Or, you know, they go to therapist, which is just going to a priest.
So that's why I say Catholicism very close.
You basically nailed it.
But these stupid fucking atheists, like Star Wars, you know Star Wars?
Yeah, yeah, I remember Star Wars.
Of course you do.
They have the thing in it.
It's called the minichondria or something like that, right?
Basically like mitochondria.
Anyway, these are these little cells that are in everybody and they relate to the force.
And Luke Skywalker, he has like a billion of them or something, right?
So he's the most Jedi guy because he has the most force in him.
That would be like a bishop or a pope.
So the guys who wrote Star Wars think they're coming up with this crazy thing, but it's just my same thing again and again.
Religion, religion, religion.
I'm giving you awareness that I exist.
Now with the black Hebrew Israelites, it was good, right?
Living in the most godlike country.
Because the more free you are, right?
The less government, the less communists, the less people playing God, the more natural you are.
The more natural you are, the closer you are to God.
So that's why America, with its least minimal government, is the most godlike country.
Because people are the most natural, the most nature-based.
You know what I mean?
I handle everything.
You kill somebody, you have nightmares.
These black Hebrew Israelites who kill these Jewish people at the Koshor place, they're going to be having nightmares.
They won't be part of society.
They feel very bad.
Yeah, I don't know if they feel very bad.
They might be considered martyrs in their world.
Are you going to send them to hell?
Let me get to that in a second with heaven and what heaven is, because I like what you had a great theory the other Day.
I like it a lot.
Thank you.
But anyway, this animosity that we have here in this country, in America, where they say it's racist and it's hellhole and it's sexist and it's trans and there's white supremacy in the White House, all of this negativity infects religion.
And then you have a group like black Hebrew Israelites that could just be a normal group of people who are black pride guys and it makes them have hate in their hearts.
And they soon start resenting white people, they resent Jews and they get evil.
And I blame in many ways this sort of ethnomasochism, this guilt-tripping, saying America sucks, America was never great.
That makes you hate America.
And that leads to radicals perverting religion.
By the way, fucking Ricky Gervais, this whole thing with him saying, oh, the problem with religious people is like Catholics think that they are right and then everyone else goes to hell and dies.
That's stupid.
Everyone is going to heaven who is good and doesn't commit sins.
The people like the cargo cult, they just fucked up a bit.
But no one thinks cargo cults go.
Okay, some fuckheads think that cargo cult guys are going to hell, but that's crazy.
For the most part, everyone is just trying to figure me out.
That's normal.
Now, the black Hebrew Israelites would have been on that path if they didn't get polluted by the hatred that we seed.
Mostly people like Caroline Orr.
She keeps seeding this hatred.
That kind of mentality is what happens.
And I think I might fuck with her, maybe give her shingles or something, because these cunts really aren't fucking up life for everyone.
They're getting into everyone's minds, thinking we live in a horrible country.
So maybe this is heaven that we're in right now.
And being a sperm or being, you know, a twinkle in your daddy's eye was like mortality.
Then we die when we're born, and now we're in heaven.
Yeah, I remember you saying that.
So you say heaven is something we can't conceive of.
That I like.
Because the whole like angel wings and playing a harp, that's just us trying to put a handle on it, you know, trying to figure shit out.
But in reality, it's something unfathomable to you, what is up here.
That's why I dress like this guy.
That's why I have a funny voice so you can understand me.
But if you could really see me, I'd be more like a gas, more like a fat.
More like a fat?
And the thing about your theory is it recognizes that what happens after you die is unfathomable.
For example, these guys who do the murder, right?
Black Hebrew Israelites, they will be drenched in guilt.
They will not be part of society.
They will not be raising family.
They will not be part of next generation or next generation or next generation.
They are cut out of the big picture.
And the big picture is all of us unified trying to improve life.
And I know that the naysayers, the ethnomasochists and the negative people, they say, oh, life's getting worse.
Look at lifespan.
It's going up.
Everything's going up.
Quality of air, everything's going up.
We are making heaven here on earth.
I gotcha.
So when these guys do these things, they don't become part of the big picture, which is making life better.
Same as when I have like a sister and a brother have sex, they make a retard.
I do that on purpose.
That's a check in balance.
So don't worry about these murders.
I mean, they should be prosecuted, of course, to the full extent of the law.
But eventually, you're going to see that these people do get punished by me.
That's why I always push forgiveness.
I'm not pushing forgiveness today, by the way.
Fuck those assholes.
But I push forgiveness from people like Ricky Gervais, who fucks up and gets this whole atheism thing wrong.
Do women shit?
I'm not answering that.
Okay, I think...
And it's conceivable that this is heaven and that what these men did is hell, bringing hell to earth, bringing hell to heaven?
Is that what you're saying?
Oh, so he's gone.
Huh.
Well, he's never gone.
I can undo my tie now.
God is gone.
Yeah.
A lot of death in this episode.
A lot of death.
You know what we should do, though?
He was talking about a woman who has a bone coming out of her nose.
I mean, sorry, her leg.
Oof.
Go to final video.
It's actually the last link.
I have to show you what he was talking about.
I really don't want to see this.
Yeah, warning alert.
This is graphic violence, NSFW.
You're about to see a woman's bone sticking out of her leg.
So hold on.
Hold on to your cotton socks.
Warning alert is like two warnings in one.
Warning warning.
Yeah, you're a warning.
Aktong.
We have a warning alert coming.
If you don't like the letters NSFW, you're in for a tweet.
I'm not going to watch.
You got to watch.
Oh, damn.
Look, why are you attacking a car?
This is where it gets really bad.
Look away now.
Oh, she's trying to run the foot.
Oh, God.
Oh, Jesus.
That's attempted murder, right?
Yeah, I would think so.
Attempted vehicular manslaughter or something?
Oh, shit.
So she goes to get up.
But her bone is sticking out of her ankle.
Oh, my God.
Did he get out of the car?
Eww, gross.
I hate it.
Call 911, dude.
Why are you filming this?
Yeah.
That's rough.
Wait, is that guy next to her filming?
Did you see that?
Someone was walking up.
Is that guy filming?
Yes, he is.
Hopefully calling it.
No, yeah, he is filming.
Holy crap.
We're sick.
We're all in film school.
We're all AP reporters these days.
When I was in Vegas, there was some shit going on, and I chose not to film it.
I was like, People would love to see this, but I mean, what am I?
A fucking robot person?
Security camera?
What?
And I just watched the guy punch a security guard and get smashed up on the floor of the casino.
It was amazing.
Oh, I know that story.
And you didn't film it because it's our friend.
Yeah.
Minor D. But he wasn't really my friend at the time.
I mean, he was being an asshole.
He called me.
He's like, he said, I walked up to him.
He was on Acid.
He was like, I know you're kind.
Did he mean Japanese, Puerto Rican?
He meant robots.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I remember that.
He was on meth or something.
He thought everyone was a robot.
He was on ACID, and he was like, you're actually pretty convincing.
Ouch.
Thanks.
Watch this.
That's a funny thing to do.
Go to people on meth and go, you want to see the quality of cyborgs these days?
Watch this.
Damn.
Boston Dynamics, baby.
How would you show off if you're a really realistic cyborg?
Kalamazoo.
I guess sing.
Pulikala.
Roop.
Boop, boop.
Kind of looks like you're malfunctioning, though.
You know, people believe that there's clones, right?
My kids will say shit like this.
They don't believe it, but all that crazy shit goes through their filters.
So they know about the Illuminati and all this stuff.
Really?
I don't think my daughter thinks we went to the moon.
Wow.
And yeah, there's clones.
So like Christina Aguilera, okay, she's really good.
We don't want to lose her.
So we clone her a bunch.
And then the first Christina can die, or I think they kill her.
And then the other clones will start taking over, right?
But the problem with this is some of the clones start malfunctioning.
And they'll like, hey, hey, Christina, how was your tour?
My tour is time.
And I think they also believe they're cyborgs too.
But look at like clone malfunctioning.
And these fucking loonies think that they've caught like the Illuminati screwing up.
Got them red-handed.
They don't do anything to...
So then they go, uh-oh, we gotta turf that one.
Human clone.
All I'm getting is clone wars.
Human clone.
Maybe Christine Anguillera clone?
Because I'm pretty sure I remember her.
She was a clone.
What?
Nothing.
You heard that?
Yeah.
Human clones malfunctioning.
Got him.
There we go.
Let's see these clones doing their clone-ass yet.
So an extremely important...
Are you okay?
Yes.
Hold on.
Hold on.
You'll be fine.
Hold on.
Hey, camera guy, we want to see this.
There we go.
Okay.
Yeah, camera guy, get in there.
You want to see a clone malfunctioning.
We actually go back to...
Sir.
What is she laughing at?
Ah, he's having a heart attack.
It's not a stroke, it's a malfunction.
Science looks like it over at this time.
When that could have happened at any time, over the course of the five and a half years of the US.
Boring.
Okay.
I guess I'll try to pep it up a little more.
Wait, wait, go back.
The guy was malfunctioning because he was going too fast?
No, look at her in the back.
Looks like it over at this time.
To the left.
Back and to the left.
Oh, I see.
Okay.
Boring.
How'd your speech go today, honey?
Okay.
Did everyone like it?
Who told you is there is one issue out there.
Yeah, her knees are malfunctioning because her eating malfunctioning has been happening for a long time.
We noticed a lot of these clones are obese, and it's hot out when they malfunction.
I guess they get grease in some of the joints.
Yeah, let's make a fat clone.
Oh, is that the chief of police in Chicago?
He just realized that affirmative action, I mean, that racial profiling was actually helping Chicago before he banned it.
Did he die?
Or a statement hearing?
Dyer got fired.
He got fired right before his retirement.
Come on, come on, walk with me.
Walk with me.
I got you.
Did you see her Stepford wife stare?
I'm fine.
Hey, everything's cool.
Hate has no hope.
I can still deliver.
She'd be good in bed.
If someone is that determined to keep, if the show must go on, she doesn't break for queefs.
No.
She keeps plowing through.
Oh, next time I do that, by the way, and you're a photographer, drop to the floor and take a photo upwards so it looks like I'm Zeke Heiling.
Uh-oh.
Just pause.
Have these people who make these compilations ever heard of fainting?
Yeah.
Oh, Rachel.
Quick, quick, chaps, if we could.
Does this do anything?
I love it.
I love when people faint.
Remember my friend Eddie once, he was just sitting at a desk, just pause, and he just started going.
He's looking and he's on his community and he just started going.
And I could not stop laughing.
Once I knew he wasn't dying, right?
Yeah.
And he sort of came up and he's like, whoa, huh.
He had been working for two days straight.
So he just had like a breakdown.
What's this bitch got?
West.
Clone disease.
Who cloned that?
Oh, God.
No.
I'm not feeling them good.
No feeling.
Here we go again.
It's West.
No, I'm not feeling uncoded.
That reminds me of that chick who puked at the DNC rally.
And then she tried to make it awesome.
She goes, I just threw up.
And everyone goes, yeah.
Oh, yeah, the girl, yeah.
You rock.
You rocket puking.
By the way, rocket puking is what happens when you work at NASA and you become overwhelmed by your workload.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, rocket puking.
Rock.
And a lot of people who rocket puke rock at puking.
Ah, I see, yes.
Ah, I see.
Rock at it, if you will.
Oh.
Oh.
This is demanding gun control.
Do you think God made her barf?
Hey, God, can you come back on the show?
The patriarchy made her barf, okay?
Okay.
Why do the cameramen always leave when the good part happens?
I don't know.
And then, meanwhile, heartless beings in the streets that could be calling the police video bone sticking out.
We got a problem.
Your job as a cameraman is to show us the money.
Yeah, why is there nobody in the front row?
There's got to be some footage.
Look, she's clapping.
You bar.
Okay.
Well, not for us.
I just threw up on national television and it feels great.
I mean, she did own it.
I mean, that would have sucked if she was like, what I was doing, I was burping, and then someone threw a coffee at me in reverse.
Well, all right, we'll buy it.
Okay.
I never heard of reverse throwing before.
Sounds a lot like throwing up.
I just threw in backwards.
Let's make the one second from the right fall.
Well, yeah, these are all clones, by the way.
Oh, we didn't see that?
I saw it.
Made me horny.
Can I help you?
We're all out in a little.
That's, you know what I just said to them?
I said, I can't fuck you all.
And she got upset.
She's like, I hope it's not me who got up.
I'm sorry.
I'm a busy man.
Oh, it's Katie Parrott see.
I'm going to ask Josh about that.
Oh my God, that was a bad one.
My buddy Josh LaCash, who did the mailbag number two with me?
Uh-huh.
He knows her.
That's great.
She called him weird because he wore a MAGA hat.
Get her on the show.
Our first caress.
Caress?
Everybody loved this.
Oh, she said caress instead of guest?
Our first caress is a careless whisper.
The first caress is my face caressing the floor.
Check it out.
Our first caress.
Oops.
Did she just see a demon?
Was there somebody in the crowd doing this?
Oh, man.
I don't have the wire.
Drop it like it's hot.
Drop it.
Drop it like it's hot.
Drop it like it.
What are you doing?
Why are you showing your screen to everyone?
Oh, man.
I had a stroke.
I think I just clone malfunction look like when there's a keyboard in front of it.
Okay, play that.
Drop it like it's hot.
Drop, drop it like a...
Oh, I got the wrong person.
And that was number one in Australia, New Zealand.
I zap you with the malfunction.
The lost scroll, it's out there.
All right, Alex, we might come back to you if talking to God has given me divine powers.
So, yeah.
I zap you.
And you die.
Not die.
Thank you.
I hereby zap you.
I zap you.
You will fall.
Fall.
Who should I zap?
I zap that black man.
Zap you, black man.
Zap you.
Who shall I zap?
Who shall I destroy?
Hey lady, Arabic lady, your language is stupid.
I hereby zap you.
Forget what you're talking about and faint.
You're good at this, dude.
It's fun.
Hey, Blabbermouth, you're not qualified.
I hereby zap you, you're breathing in front of me.
Oh, I didn't know who to zap.
I'm zapping this man at the podium.
You're going to lose energy.
You're going to fall down.
That's a twofer.
You got the podium, too.
Hey, man in the glasses, I hereby strip you of your energy.
Your spine no longer works.
You can't see.
Your equilibrium is over, and so are you, sir.
There you go.
Wait, pause.
Who added that stupid beat?
I did.
Wait, stop it.
You said drop it like it's hot.
No.
So you're the one ruining this?
I found the culprit.
I was about to criticize the video guy for wrecking the song.
Stop playing Snoop Dogg.
The reason I sang drop it like it's hot is because I was talking about when Hillary collapses because it looks like she's building up.
And I had done another video about that.
Bad news for the Obama administration.
Shut up, bitch.
We have this new CNN ORC.
I'm sick of CNN.
I hereby zap you.
Turn around.
Yeah.
Stop making sense.
Get confused.
End the segment.
Get her out of here.
Hey, German guy.
Schlaventie Gutenberg.
Tremann.
Tremann.
Black man.
I hereby cripple thee.
Zush.
Everybody came to the attention of God.
It's fun being God.
It's like a trust fault that nobody.
You can touch your glasses all you want.
I hereby remove your spine and turn you into a human stock.
Fall.
Fall.
Stop carrying him.
Touch your nose and leave your soul.
Goodbye.
I curse thee.
Clones are real.
A human sucks.
You're done.
Bye-bye.
Hi Wiggly.
You're out.
I like how he's looking at him.
It's weird how they picked up his legs.
Hey, old man, die.
Casey was about 15 minutes into his speech on terrorism when he started slowing down.
You start chatting with God, then you're just cloning people.
Poison kicked in.
Lady in the back.
You're out of here.
No, no, no.
Oh, I got you.
And by proven cost savings in the health system that everybody agrees with.
Whoa, Weebles wobble, but they do fall down.
I'm back.
I'm fine.
Yeah, no, I'm not.
You're not fine.
And the healthcare for children was a subject.
I can't see him.
This happens a lot about Al Gore.
Oh, I know what it is.
He doesn't use deodorant because it's bad for the environment.
The spray on.
He's worried about the Freon.
And he reeks so bad that people fall.
Yes.
Stagnates, all right.
Bye-bye.
All right, this is stupid.
I can watch these all day.
Basically made it to the end.
Dude, talking about Syria, yes.
I wanted to get into Trump for a second here for a change.
We never talk about this guy.
No one does.
At least talked about president in history.
I wish Mad Magazine would cover him just once.
So he was depicted by some conservatives as Thanos.
Creator of Thanos responds to the Trump ad, seeing that pompous fool using...
Was fucker in the pussy.
Hello, I've noticed when you have fame and wealth and you're around a lady, she seems enamoured.
You could almost grab her...
Do you know what the word pompous means?
Using my creation to stroke his infantile ego, it finally struck me that the leader of my country and the free world actually enjoys comparing himself to a mass murderer.
See, this is the problem.
Our literature in this day and age is superhero movies.
So we don't see the humor when they make Donald Trump Darth Vader.
That's like making Donald Trump Satan because that's our Bible.
So these characters are not just silly characters to most people.
Thanos is a mass murderer.
Really?
What did he mass murder?
A bunch of cartoons?
Ooh, I'm scared.
Let me see the video he's talking about.
Because the reactions were priceless.
If you look at all the reactions, there's all these people explaining the plot.
And they're going, this was actually shortly before Thanos fucking realized he had lost and was going to die.
And that's what happened to him in this video.
He died.
What's going on now?
Link don't work.
Why not?
Don't know.
But if you just click on that link, that one tweet, it should bring you to all the other comments on it.
I know.
No, you don't have to go to the actual story.
You're not going to get the fucking thing.
There you go, my friend.
Very simple stuff.
I am inevitable.
On a solemn day, I recall that the first order of business for members of...
Like, how can you not get that joke?
How can you be offended by that?
And we have the guy who created Thanos.
He was saying what we all know to be true, which is he won this impeachment thing.
You came at him with Russia.
You came at him with impeachment.
You keep coming at him with these nothing burgers and he keeps winning.
Just like Thanos.
Yes, but Thanos technically lost.
They just don't get anything anymore.
Is it willful ignorance?
Another example of this is this thing.
I saw Alyssa Milano tweeted it.
This is the one who's been crying hysterically about life.
This is 1.9.
She promotes this video that says, everyone's laughing at us.
And I thought this was a very relevant video because it implies that we give a flying fuck what European leaders think of us.
Have you seen the Minister of Health for, I think it's Sweden or Finland or something?
She's this big.
Just look up obese minister of health.
She's gigantic, enormous.
Yeah, there she is.
That's the Minister of Health?
Yes.
She's accused of being too big to be credible.
Yeah, correct.
So we don't want these people laughing at us.
You look at all their war ministers, too, like the Minister of Defense for all these European countries.
They're all broads.
And then you look at China and the Middle East, and they're all murderers and ex-military guys.
So no one gives a shit what Europe thinks about us.
In fact, if Merkel has a problem with America, we feel proud.
But let's go back to that original video.
World leaders caught on camera laughing about President Trump.
Several world leaders mocking President Trump.
They're laughing at him.
My administration is a more than first of all.
Is there a bigger laughing stock than Justin Trudeau with his blackface?
And how many videos have we seen of him going up to Trump and going, hey, oh, you guys are, oh, okay.
I'll be over here.
I'll be putting stuff in my little notepad, my little briefcase book, my little man purse.
I've seen that a billion times.
And Macron is laughing at him.
Macron, who dated his teacher when he was 14 years old and then married her.
She's like 25 years older than him.
Of course, childless.
She's too old to make babies.
And this guy is such a loser that he makes socialist France go delirious and say, why are macaroons coming up?
Anyway, he makes socialists delirious, and that's why you have the yellow jackets.
Because they saw his tax plan and said, that's fucking insane.
And you don't get much more socialists than France, as far as European countries go.
So to piss them off, take some real top-level incompetence.
Now, as far as the other blonde guy laughing, I don't believe you that that was from Justin Trudeau.
I'll give you that his team's jaw dropped when he said something crazy.
And I'll even give you that Macron was laughing.
But Boris, what's his name?
Johnson, also being part of that?
Nah.
I'm not buying it.
All right, next, what do we got?
Any administration in the history of our country.
Didn't expect that reaction, but that's okay.
World leaders mocking.
I've done more than any other leader in the history of our country.
And of course they laugh.
You know who's laughing?
Mugabe is out there.
Saudi Arabian sheiks, like human garbage despots, monsters.
The world is a shithole.
China just randomly kills.
You love Muslims?
They randomly kill Muslims just because.
They arrest people for Facebook posts in Britain.
These countries suck.
I want them laughing at us.
I didn't think it was cool when everyone liked us because our president was black.
Ooh.
I like that he laughed it off, though.
Well, he knows he's talking to assholes.
Meanwhile, he's paid for that room.
The UN is paid for by America.
And they're all sitting there shitting on us all day.
He was, and he cut their money drastically.
And they fucking hate him for it.
Didn't expect that reaction, but that's okay.
Thank you.
Keep going.
Why do you keep leaving it?
Allies are deeply worried about him.
They say he's becoming increasingly isolated.
Something is very wrong.
The world sees Trump for what he is, insincere, wait a minute.
So this is the best political out of this primary.
We have CNN, MSNBC, and that sounds like Joe Biden talking about how he's not a good leader.
These are all people that are trying to take him down or running against him.
Dangerously incompetent and incapable, in my view, of world leadership.
And if we give Donald Trump four more years, did they get outrageously and dangerously wrong?
My view of world leadership.
And if we give Donald Trump four more years, the world sees Trump for what he is.
Insincere, ill-informed, corrupt, dangerously incompetent, and incapable, in my view, of world leadership.
And if we give Donald Trump four more years, we'll have a great deal of difficulty if ever being able to recover America's standing in the world and our capacity to bring nations together.
Our capacity to bring nations together?
By the way, Joe, you want to get into laughing stocks?
You nibbled your wife's fingers.
She goes like this, explaining something.
He sees her fingers near him and goes...
What kind of brain does he have?
Then we have the infinite smelling of kids.
Clone brain.
What was that?
President of the United States.
You call your kids in from the other room because you want them to hear what the president of the United States has to say.
Ugh.
What if that isn't his wife?
I don't know what his wife looks like.
All right.
Let's end the show here.
Let's end the show with this annoying guy on the plane.
That was his wife, yeah.
Okay, good.
She's pretty hot for whatever, how old she is.
62?
You know who's really hot at 62?
Vanna White.
She's been hosting Wheel of Fortune now that Pat Saecek is recovering from surgery.
She looks fucking fantastic.
I know I'm the first person to ever say that.
Come on.
62?
Like, your grandma's 62.
You're Puerto Rican, so you're probably your great-grandma is 62.
94.
Uh, 94.
Uh, it's a fat.
It's a fat.
Whoa, what's that sexy pic?
Oh, it's probably Photoshop.
No, the one where she's wearing lingerie.
Lingerie.
It's up higher.
Okay.
Looking.
No, it's up lower.
It's down lower.
Oh.
Is that real?
It's a very long bum.
I'm a long bum hunter.
I'm the long bum hunter.
Alright, let's watch this douche on a plane and get out of here.
Douche on a plane.
Gotcha.
Get ready for douche.
You know what happened?
The Chinese guy on United Airlines?
You know what happened to him?
He's suing the United Airlines for $20 million.
So that's exactly what's going to happen to you.
And do not tell me what to do.
This is a free country.
So fuck off.
Fuck off.
I'm not moving anywhere.
Get the fuck out of here.
He's got his hands in his pockets.
Me, myself, and only me.
Okay, well, how do you?
Three of us.
I'm a comedian.
So everything is gonna be on Facebook.
You, let me record you.
And I don't care what you say.
The guy is black.
I don't know.
The flight attendant.
And I overheard him later.
This goes on and on.
We won't watch the whole thing.
It's 11 minutes.
But he says, there must come times when you talk like that to someone, but you're out in the real world and not, you know, safe here in a plane.
Basically saying, I would love to see you out on the street, motherfucker.
I want to kill you so bad.
I don't care what you say.
It's my right to record you.
And there we go.
Show me your face.
This is the same with like talking shit to cops.
You know you're getting kicked off the plane.
The second you do anything.
When I'm on a plane, I'm like a beaten housewife.
Because I want to get, they're only supposed to give you a drink an hour.
So there's ways around that.
Like I'll get a Woodford Reserve and a beer.
And my wife will get the same.
And we'll both have doubles.
Now that's one, two, three, four, five, six in one order.
Because she's not going to drink it.
And they know you're cheating, but you got to be careful.
And by the way, guys, if you're traveling with dudes, especially with gays, slip the flight attendant 20 bucks.
Believe me, it comes back tenfold in tip, I mean in free drinks and great service and the plane becomes a flying bar if you give your flight attendant 20 bucks.
That's it.
I know the law.
I study law.
Maybe we'll bump into somebody someday outside of all this.
Here, he just said it.
I'm in court every day.
What accent is that?
I'm in court every day.
He sounds like God.
Yeah.
This is how God talks.
I think he's Italian.
And he looks like Marco Sflaghi, a guitarist from Italy.
So I think he's Italian.
Is he drunk?
Because he's not slurring.
You're making everybody else's life miserable right now by delaying the plane.
And everybody else got the right to be angry at you.
Hey, Facebook.
Listen, boomer.
Not everything's Facebook.
Hey, Facebook.
My real name is Marius Buron.
And check my Facebook site.
I make covers.
Lately, I made Metallica cover.
That's awesome.
Pearl Gem.
That's fine.
Just Marius Bamon.
And check my Facebook site.
Lately, I made Metallica cover.
I'm looking in the comments to see.
Hi, my name is...
Mario Sperone.
That's what I hear.
Mario Sperone?
Metallica?
It's funny you say he looks like an Italian musician and then he is.
Yeah, he looks like Marco Swoggy.
Svogly.
Mario Sperone.
Airplane video.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, here he is.
Oh, you got him.
Nice.
That is Marco Swoggy.
Oh, it is.
I was about to say, you finally did something right.
Nope.
False alarm.
He looks exactly like him.
If you hear an interview to interview.
No, no, just show.
Let's finish up with this guy.
We gotta go.
Okay.
My Facebook site, I make covers.
We're only 250 in.
Pearl Gem.
Jump ahead.
This girl.
Run away.
And nothing else matters.
So he's gonna listen to Metallic.
He's been having trouble with these headphones the entire time.
So what they've done, what they do when anyone is remotely cantankerous is they get the cops and they come down.
But sometimes the cops are coming from a completely different gate.
So it could be 20 minutes.
That's why it's not actually taking that long.
They probably made the decision one minute in and it's going to take 10 minutes.
And he's clearly drunk.
That's why he's having so much trouble with the headphones.
What's he doing now?
Okay, keep going because eventually the cops show up.
Just scroll till you see a cop.
Please, go report and we will advise you to when the reporting will begin.
Okay, go back, go back a little bit.
Ooh, nice buns.
Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention for a moment, unfortunately, we're going to need all passengers to declaim this aircraft, take all combined cells with you, and then we can at a later time.
We will keep you advised once we're in the terminal.
No, no, no, get him off.
Get him off.
Get him off.
Get people!
Wait in the terminal area, and we will advise you when the reboarding will begin.
We apologize.
You know, phones are like teddy bears now.
And when a little boy is in trouble, he looks at his teddy and holds his teddy.
It's our security blanket.
Thank you.
You can stay soon.
Thank you.
You guys wanna get up or you wanna stay up?
Wanna take off our seats.
Everybody, jump you the whole thing.
This is why I've traveled so much.
And you are low obliged.
And you are low obliged.
And you are being recorded.
Sorry, guys.
Sorry, guys.
Sorry, everybody.
That's not me.
Those are those fucking assholes.
Just get off the side of it.
You know what?
Suck my dick.
If you don't like my shit, suck my fucking dick.
Suck my dick.
You wanna suck my dick?
Come over here.
If you have the courage, suck my fucking dick, you fucking gay.
Is it courageous?
Oh my god, I love you.
I love you.
I'm gonna beat you ass, motherfucker.
What are you looking at on your phone?
You checking your email?
I'm telling you, this is epic.
That guy just whispered, shithead.
Just tell him he's a shithead.
What's he gonna do?
beat you up?
They're gonna make me late for my connection flights, motherfuckers.
They're gonna make me late What were you saying?
That woman said.
I can't believe I let that bitch make me spit on her.
Is there any better way to dismiss yourself from responsibility?
I can't believe I let that bitch make me spit on her.
I let that bitch make me spit on her.
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