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Nov. 30, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
51:02
GOML LIVE #23 | HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Pre-taped ep with call ins, laughs and merriness. Enjoy!

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Time Text
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The.
Oh, live from New York.
It's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
What's up, my dudes?
This is not live from New York.
Well, we're in New York City, but we are not live.
This is a pre-taped Thanksgiving show.
Hence the dirty leaves that we pulled in.
They smell bad.
They smell like fish.
They do.
Yeah.
Gross.
Maybe the smell of fish is just rotten water.
Oh, because there's no organic mass.
Well, there's organic mass, obviously, but.
Maybe fish get a bad rap.
Yeah.
They have no choice but to stink the way they do.
They don't stink.
It's the water that stinks.
And they're wet with the smell of organic matter rotting in water.
And it's mean what we say about ladies' parts.
When we say they smell like fish, they don't.
They smell like rotten water.
Wow.
Interesting.
I'm a feminist.
Yeah, today's special episode.
God, now my desk is covered in pussy juice.
If I had a nickel.
This is like Motley Cruz desk, man.
Everything they have is covered in pussy juice.
You go to Motley Cruz's house and you like pour a coffee and you're like, this monk smells like pussy juice.
It's filled with it.
Yeah.
It's just everywhere.
They just reek.
They used to see how long they can go without a shower.
Woo!
Vince Neal's in here.
You ever hear that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gross.
Gross.
Sounds like gross.
That sounds so gross, Ryan.
We were talking just before we started rolling about Ryan's Japanese dad and if he sang for the Beastie Boys.
Your mom busts it in.
She says, what's that noise?
It's something crazy.
It's something loud.
Turn it down, please.
Your dad says, no way.
Your dad is a hypocrite.
He smokes something like six packs a single day, Rayon.
Rayon.
Ryan's father was not present in his life.
That's why Ryan's such a useless human being.
But occasionally he sees him and he says, Dad, you know, you're a hairstylist, and I've been working on my hair dude.
What do you think?
Like, what do you think of what I'm sort of going for here?
And what did he say?
He said, I was like, hey, let's see your face.
Okay.
One second.
Oh, yeah, friends.
Come on, man.
We got to see your face if you're talking.
Boom.
I said, I was about to go out somewhere.
I was like, dad, what do you think of my hair?
Should I have it like back or like this?
He's like, oh, I just don't care.
I just don't care.
That's irrelevant.
Now, I know the odds are remarkably low, but there is a one in a thousand chance that he's hilarious.
It's all just.
But they're not really known for their comedy.
Like, there's not a lot of good Japanese stand-ups.
Is there even a Japanese guy in American comedy?
Not that I know that.
Like, there's that turdalu mata paka, but he's Chinese.
Dr. Ken.
Dr. Ken's Chinese.
There's plenty of Chinese and Korean comedy.
Koreans, there's a lot.
Yeah, Bobby Lee.
And there's a weird mixed people like Joe Koi and Steve.
Stephen.
What's her name?
Is it Esther Chow with Esther Koo?
Esther Koo?
That's what?
Korean?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Big time.
Japanese people aren't funny.
That's true.
I just realized that today.
Hot Asian Chinese.
Maybe banned soon.
That might get me banned.
Although I have an insider at YouTube, and he's telling me all the scoop on the imminent conservative purge.
Steven Crowder is on the list.
Paul Joseph Watson's on the list.
Owen Benjamin is on the list.
Anyone remotely associated with Proud Boys or Infowars is on the list.
Oops.
Steven Crowder was removed from the list.
The list is who we're going to ban, by the way.
Steven Crowder was removed from the ban list.
You know why?
Why?
Because he's suing them.
Impending litigation.
Was Sushin Wajin this time?
Soprano's coming.
We missed it.
Yeah, I didn't miss it.
I don't want to go get Fabrizio's autograph.
What's his name?
The guy who played.
Oh, Fiorio.
Fiorio.
Yeah.
I watched some of that on Cumia.
Did you realize that that guy was doing an Italian accent?
Oh, yeah.
And it was so good that he lost work.
Because people are going, I'm not hiring some WAP.
I have to admit, I thought that too.
I wasn't hiring any actors, but I thought, you know, that guy's a nice actor.
He's clearly from Italy.
And if I was a director, I wouldn't hire him because I would get, you know, an American.
But he was born in Naples, but he's American.
He was raised here.
Interesting.
Whew.
Smells like motherfucking Vince Neal's shit shag in here.
I don't know what that means.
I guess he got a lot of ladies in his outhouse.
That was ridiculous.
That was redunks.
You want to see some Furio or you want to see a Japanese stand-up comedian or neither?
Or both.
Well, you're so late in the game.
I've already moved on, but sure, let's see.
Okay.
Let's see Guy Fiorio.
Guy Fiorio.
A dynamic drive in Zenads.
Oh, this is going to get us kicked off YouTube.
We're not allowed to look at things.
Looks like an Ecuadorian guitar player.
We want the room with the stove and the refrigerator.
The efficiencies have been booked to paying customers.
More one.
And the two rooms on the sides.
We may be here for some days.
You people are ruining this place.
That's your father's fault.
He made it a business deal.
We want a lot of clean towels.
He made it the business deal.
You know what he's nailing?
I should watch this.
That simple-mindedness that comes along with foreigners that come here.
Not simple mindedness, but it's like a purity.
No, it's like a purity.
You're trying to make it sound cool.
No, no, I don't mean stupid.
They're pure.
They're like newborn children with Down syndrome.
They are devoid of sin.
Coming from the dumbest guy I know.
Yeah.
Yeah, a lot of immigrants are stupid.
Like Dinesh D'Souza.
He's a dumb toad.
That aired, that's out, so people should see it.
Please go to free speech.tv and watch a debate wherein I pay intellectuals to hang out with me.
It's Dinesh D'Souza from The Big Lie, where he points out The Big Lie, where he points out the history of racism in America and how closely tied it is to the DNC.
And then before that, we had Hillary's America, where he beautifully exemplifies how corrupt she is.
Before that, we had Obama's America that landed him in jail.
He did a great movie about how corrupt Obama is and what a communist he is, what a Muslim sympathizer he is.
And they got him.
They did what I'm in ensconced in right now, which is malicious prosecution, where they find the guy like Basla Nakula Basla, who did the Muhammad video, and they go, all right, we got our criminal.
We got our sentence.
Go find me some crimes.
They had Max Hare and John Kinsman.
All right, we got the two proud boys.
Oh, there's three.
Oh, there's three.
Good.
What's the third guy?
He's brown.
Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Get him out of there.
Make him a different trial.
And then we'll just push Nazi on the two white guys.
Okay, one of them has a black wife and black kids.
Make sure you never photograph and tell the media never to photograph the black wife.
And we'll just do the two guys.
Deal?
Deal.
Worked four years in prison.
And during the closing statements, by the way, the prosecution brought up the fact that there was a black member who had testified, Chris, conservative in New York, he's called, and they implied he had brain damage.
What?
Yeah, they go, look, I'm not a psychiatrist, but that guy obviously has mental problems if he's hanging out with these guys.
Wow.
What the hell?
I've never heard that.
You're racist.
You're a racist hate group.
Really?
What about the black guys?
They're just idiots.
They're clearly retarded.
Isn't that racist?
I always say to these journalists, isn't that your story?
Like, make that your story.
Masochist blacks go on all fours at meetups and are treated like coffee tables.
People put their drinks on their backs.
Like, what kind of S ⁇ M club is this?
Go get me some more drinks, boy.
I mean, that's the scenario they're depicting.
Okay, that's a crazy scenario.
That's like gays going to straight orgies or something because they feel so terrible with themselves.
I actually brought it up with that gay dad who harassed me at the drugstore.
And I go, if they're so homophobic, why are there so many gays in the club?
And he goes, you don't think there's some latent, what did he call it?
Self-hating?
It was a better word than that, though.
Like, it was a fancy word for like self-annihilation or something or latent.
Self-deprecating.
Self-flagellating.
Whatever.
He had a big word for gay homophobes.
Which is not a thing.
It's not a thing.
You see a black guy with a Confederate flag?
He's not a black guy who hates black people.
He's a black guy who's not accepting your narrative of the Confederate flag.
You're not God.
So when you come up with something that contradicts your theory, it doesn't mean that that person is insane.
You're not physics.
Okay?
That's the new world we're living in where people just deny physics.
I notice when I play pool with my boys, they'll go, the term for the youngest, I don't know what generation they're called, generation fucking Z squared.
They go, glitch.
So if the ball doesn't go in its plan, they yell glitch.
And that's what's happening now with a lot of people.
They have a theory, and if you contradict it, well, then it's either a glitch or someone's insane or like the whole idea of a racist having a black wife.
They now call her a bed wench.
And I go, why don't you go say that to her face while you're at it?
Right.
Go up to that black woman, marry the black guy, and call her a bed wench and tell her that she's just some dumb Patsy who is a masochist for abuse.
Bed wench.
Like, I understand your perspective of the white guy.
You bring up like Samuel Jackson or not Samuel Jackson.
What?
Adam Jackson?
What's his name?
The guy who beat Indians with a stick?
Oh, I don't know.
Why am I asking Ryan about American history?
Adam Jackson?
Anyway, they bring up someone like that, or they find some old slave owner from 150 years ago.
Andrew.
Andrew Jackson, who was a racist, but also had black mistresses.
And they go, see, you can be a racist and have black lovers.
And you go, okay, I'll give you that.
Now go talk to the black lover, by the way.
Not the one, not the slave from 150 years ago.
Go talk to one right now.
It's like when truthers meet a victim of a victim's family, a family member who died in 9-11.
Okay, I'll listen to your theory about the weird explosives that were glued to the I-beams, but can you go tell her?
Go talk to her.
Go talk to the mother and the kids of the dead dad.
I want to hear your spiel over there.
I don't like dealing with reality.
I just like the concept.
Anyway, it's Thanksgiving.
You're sitting with your folks.
I did a great video I recommend where I talked.
Oh, sorry, should we catch up on your stupid shit?
Yeah, sure.
What's this, Japanese community?
Let's go back in time.
It's like if aliens, you know, and you're like, oh, this is like a different civilization.
They are on some other level.
They are, first of all, everyone's ultra-polite.
This is how polite.
No matter what kind of job you have in society, no matter what part of class.
Japan's really different from us.
Ultra-polite.
I don't know how they do this.
Like when the plane landed, I looked out the window.
Everybody working on the tarmac, the airplane just stopped and bowed to the airplane, like in unison.
Like single-file line, just like one, two, three, head up.
Like, wow.
He's half.
I felt nuts.
I was like, oh my God.
Oh, there's another guy who's Indian, like East Indian and Japanese.
And he has this stupid joke about how, so the last, so I'm like the sushi that you'd buy at the 7-Eleven.
And then he goes, that's the last place you want to buy sushi, something like that, how dangerous would be to have.
And I looked it up on YouTube, and he was making that joke 30 years ago.
Oh, wow.
That's so weird when comedians have an okay joke that they just use for decades.
Decades.
Anyway, this is the Thanksgiving app.
I did a great video on how to survive Thanksgiving.
If you're a Trumper, then my wife's side of the family is not very pro-Trump, we'll say.
They're from Madison, Wisconsin, which is the Berkeley of the Midwest.
So I just don't mention Trump.
Now, if he comes up, the best thing to do, I said this in my video too, there it is in the top left, is stay interrogative.
Like, oh, Trump's just putting these kids in cages.
It's disgusting.
And you go, huh?
Has that, did Obama do any of that?
Was that ever happened under Obama's watch?
Or another one?
What should we do?
I stole that shirt from Fox News, by the way.
You're not supposed to have that?
No, I was being interviewed.
I was this close to getting hired.
And maybe this is why I didn't get hired.
Those were in a box.
I wish you got Heather hired.
I hesitated because I was like, maybe you shouldn't.
And I said, what's the worst that could happen?
We get banned from YouTube.
Yeah, they were in a big box in the waiting room when I was waiting for my HR interview and I just fucking palmed it.
Nice.
Anyway, yeah, the other interrogative is when they talk about kids in cages, you say, huh, okay.
I just wonder what should we do?
Like if a mom shows up with a four-year-old, what do you do?
And they'll say, nothing.
Just let them go.
Oh, so there's no borders.
Man, okay.
Maybe even let that just sit.
Okay, no borders.
And then maybe, you know, you got to turn into Columbo.
And you just got to be like, there's just one thing that's bothering me.
My Peter Fock is the worst.
Do you do a Peter Fock?
You're kind of young.
You have to hear him.
There's one thing that's bothering me.
My wife's a huge fan.
There's one more.
My wife's a huge fan.
There's one thing that's bothering me.
You talked about no borders at all.
I couldn't help but wonder, will that not lead to a massive surge in impoverished population, maybe possibly to the tune of 100 million?
I mean, another 25% of our population, but broke?
Dr. Murchison, I was wondering whether you can help me.
I can't find him, and I woofed him on some expensive project that he was working on.
Gee, I've seen this picture every day for 12 years.
You're a beautiful woman.
At any rate, I've got Dr. Murchison's telephone number, and I've called him, but I haven't had any luck.
Can you help me?
He invented Clapback.
I'm sure that's the only place he's welcome anymore.
Oh, there's one more thing, sir.
This is my problem with Colombo and Law and Order and all these cop shows.
Why is everyone so fucking bored around cops that are looking for a murderer?
I had the DA during the Proud Boys thing, police came to my house.
The DA and two detectives came to my house.
I had poo in my pants and I said, love to talk to you gentlemen.
Let me get a lawyer and we'll set up an appointment.
I'm not going to volunteer information and incriminate myself or anyone else.
And any cop will tell you the same off duty.
Don't talk to cops.
If you don't have to, if there's not a subpoena, don't talk to cops.
Now, there's a rumor too that I gave up the Prowboys.
No, after they had subpoenas, I got them lawyers and said, guys, you got two choices.
Be on the run for the rest of your life and ignore the subpoena, or sit down with a lawyer and address the subpoena.
Sometimes I think they should have chosen the former.
Sometimes I think Stone should have chosen the former.
He volunteered to that interrogation that got him arrested and sentenced.
Not sentenced yet, sorry.
Any is, yeah, you look at law and order and they're just sort of like, what?
Look, and they're always mopping and cleaning up.
Someone was murdered in your bar.
They cut his balls off and fed them to him.
Yeah, well, a lot of people get fucked up.
Look, if someone was murdered in my bar, I'd go.
What?
Okay, first I'm getting a lawyer, but yeah, let's...
Is he dead?
Holy shit.
Let's check the cameras.
Not like, shit happens.
Look, are we done here?
I can't bring him back.
I ain't got a time machine, okay?
Yeah.
You want me to do a eulogy?
What do you want?
Yeah, what do you want from me?
The floor's going to not sweep itself.
Someone fucked up.
Now they're swimming with the fishes.
Look, are we done?
Yeah, they're so bored by detectives investigating a murder.
And then there's also the blabber mouths, like on the first 48, where they go, look, we know what happened.
And they go, okay.
It was Juan Valdaris.
I'm like, you know you're dead, right?
Why'd you do that?
What do you think of that, Trump?
For too long, people on law and order, they don't sweat the cops.
Nobody sweats the cops anymore.
It's disrespectful.
Frankly, round of applause for our great servicemen.
You don't look like you want to clap for our great serviceman.
Oh, no, I sure do.
Are you not a patriot?
What the hell?
That looks really insincere, Mr. President.
It's actually the most sincere applause.
I don't blame you for not recognizing it.
It's different.
It's the best clapping you could ever do.
This is me clapping for our vets.
Thank you for all you do.
Thank you for providing us with our freedom.
I have nothing but the utmost respect for 100% of people in the military.
That's not a fucking fucking clap.
This is a clap here.
I don't understand.
You're like a black woman having a temper tension at Popeyes.
You don't listen.
Oh, my God.
Need the caps, frankly.
I had some drama at Old Popeye's the other day.
Ooh.
So it's an Asian woman, probably 40, and a white gentleman, nerdy, probably 38.
Waist size?
Yes.
That's how I judge people.
He was a tall nerd, and they weren't used to Popeyes.
Popeyes is a little tricky.
It is.
But I'm a man of the people, and I'm close with the African-American community, so I'm very comfortable with Popeyes.
Anyway, we go make our order, blah, blah, blah.
We're eating our wings, our chicken pieces.
And she doesn't get her biscuit because you need the whole meal to get the biscuit and the drink.
She just ordered chicken.
Well, if you just order chicken, that's all you get.
So she's waiting for order.
And then I think she realizes she wants a biscuit.
So she sort of leans back to the cashier.
And this black woman says, oh, hell no.
I'll wait it in line.
You're going to motherfucking wait in line, bitch.
Wow.
And the Asian woman just goes, and the white guy is like, and then I noticed when I was getting my Fanta that she was pissed at her boyfriend for not standing up.
Now, guys, you don't have to punch the old lady in the face.
All you need to do, it's like prison.
All you need to do is go, whoa, whoa, whoa, let's take it down a notch.
Take it down.
Yeah, yeah, relax.
She's just asking what a biscuit.
It's going to be okay.
That's all you have to do.
You don't have to put her in a chokehold.
What the fuck did you say to my wife?
What the fuck did you say?
That's the way that's right.
I can't understand you.
You sound like a fucking frog.
I suppose I'm squeezing too hard.
You sound like a doad.
If I was to say I was a toad.
Now, hypothetically, if I were to take a toad and smash it against the wall.
Now, what he said in the episode is so funny.
We can talk about Dinesh to Susan.
He was like, he was talking about trans.
He's like, now, if I were to consider myself a toad, and I started jumping in a lake and splashing around, people would be like, what is wrong with Dinesh?
That crazy Dinesh thinks he's a toad.
It's so funny.
By the way, don't, I like, I hate that when you do the wide, you give away that our leaves are cheating.
We created a leaf illusion here where it looks like there's just leaves everywhere.
But then when you go to the wide, you realize I'm lying to you and I only have about 32 leaves.
Looks like you're going to do a snort a line of leaves.
That's perfectly cut.
Mother Nature's partying, dude.
Yeah, you know, I was thinking about Dinesh today, about how he speaks English like a perfect computer.
And then I thought, what the fuck's with Stephen Hawking?
Can we not get him a better voice?
My GPS comes up with new words that it doesn't know, like turn left on Nunes Street.
It's never said Nunes, but the computer can figure out N-U-N-E-Z Nunes.
Why can't Stephen Hawking has that stupid hawking roll-up?
Why can't you just be, hi, I'm Stephen Hawking?
Sure, you'll get some words wrong, like T-S-O-L was an LA punk band instead of T-S-O-L.
But talk normal, dude.
You suck.
We have the technology.
Is he still alive, by the way?
No, no, no.
We're talking about a dead man.
Oh.
Talking about a dead man.
For many years, I was in a computer generative rated voice.
So to change it would make my wife feel very uncomfortable.
Another thing I saw on Twitter's TwitterSphere yesterday was this 13-year-old boy who's colorblind and he finally got glasses where he could see colors.
And he's looking around and he can see the colors.
And he had never seen the color.
Me.
More.
He had never seen the color.
He had.
And This one's close to home because I cry at those all the time.
Yeah, I'm done crying at those.
I am a bona fide cry baby.
Everyone that's 50 will realize you just start watching the news one day and it's and I fight guys in the gym every day.
The whole world wants to kill me.
I could give two fucks.
Pepper spray me, whatever.
Let's fight.
But when I see, there was an article in Breitbart about a woman whose daughter had Down syndrome and she was dying of breast cancer.
And the teacher knew that the mom was going to die.
So she took in the girl regularly on the weekends so she'd be used to it.
And then when the mother died, she adopted her.
And the dying mother knew this.
She told her in advance, we're going to take care of your daughter.
So it's a picture of the Down syndrome girl with her new fucking family.
Waterworks.
But, so I care.
And it's inevitable.
Talk to any guy over 50 and he'll be like, yeah, I watch a fucking long distance ad and I start blubbering.
Marines are really bad at this too.
They'll blow a guy's head off.
But if someone draws them a picture of a purple heart, it's just like, I think it's linked to testosterone, believe it or not.
I don't think it's good to be a crybaby in other contexts.
You follow me?
It's hard to explain.
Like, say you get fired and you cry, fuck you.
You're a fucking loser.
But if a little kid with Down syndrome gets adopted, cry.
If you see a Marine coming back after not seeing his kid for a year, cry.
These, don't fucking cry.
I do not give you a cry pass.
This is an old man seeing color for the first time.
Okay, you want to turn it up?
You throw a balloon over here.
Use this, fucker.
Look at the balloon kick.
Hey, here's a balloon, shithead.
Turn it up.
Can you see colors now?
Okay, isn't this wonderful?
He's finally seeing colors for the first time.
By the way, they're not truly colorblind.
They have trouble differentiating.
So it's more like dull.
What's that little move?
Now you have rose colored holes.
All right, let me explain why this is fucking horseshit.
Those cost $350.
That's it.
End of story.
See these?
These are trifocals.
It's long distance at the top.
I use that for driving.
The middle is absolutely nothing.
And then the bottom is for reading.
So it's three layers.
These are $450, these Ray-Bands.
And the second I needed them, I bought them because they last for years and I need them to drive and read and live.
You can't get a colorblind guy 300,000.
How old is he?
How long has he been waiting for these fucking things?
They're not $30,000.
And I saw, with the little kid one I saw, they go, they're working on a GoFundMe.
A GoFundMe?
$350?
Isn't that one McDonald's paycheck?
Do some overtime.
$350?
$350.
Jeez.
Borrow that from a homeless man.
All right.
You investing.
We got a diabetic, a magic pill that helps him with insulin.
And we have a GoFundMe.
It's $40.
Can you help out?
He's dying.
Ah, yeah.
Anyway, so today is the Thanksgiving show.
Should we take calls?
We could take calls.
We could.
Even though it's a pre-tape.
We would let folks call in.
You know what else is fun about a pre-tape?
We can do jump cuts.
Jump cuts.
Jump cuts, jump cuts, jump cuts, jump cuts.
We can do jump cuts.
Jump cuts.
Jump, jump, jump, jump cuts.
Jump cuts.
Jump cut.
Jump cuts.
Millennials love jump cuts because they're fucking lazy and inarticulate and they say like too much because they don't read.
And the amount of people today that put the dollar sign after the number is mortifying.
Mortifying.
We don't do jump cuts because we shoot this show live.
But today's an exception.
So you know what I could do?
I could put out the number on my Telegram.
All right.
I'll put it out on the Instagrams.
Alrighty.
Oh, wait, no, I don't want to do that.
Why not?
People that are non-subs get to see it.
So?
We just want a bunch of calls.
But before we take calls.
Here, what should I do?
Should I put up the call number now?
Oh, shit.
This is a Thursday show.
I forgot to read the sponsors.
Flips.
Frank.
We're only 30 minutes in.
Frank docious.
All right, we'll time code this.
Okay.
It's Johnny Apple CBD and then the other thing, right?
That DSI.
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I'm sick of saying that.
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That's dope.
That's what's up.
All right.
We could just go live for the caller part.
Oh, that's another angle.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
Because then we don't have a bank show.
True date.
Yeah.
All right, I'm going to put it out.
What's the number again?
It is as follows.
718-400.
Are you a toad?
You are speaking such perfect English.
It is 718-400-6959.
Doing a Thanksgiving.
Whoops.
If I were to tell you that I was a telephone, you would not believe me because that has intricate parts.
And you have a Trump face on your head.
You should be doing lots more Trump.
Doing a Thanksgiving.
If I were a toad, honestly, I would be the best toad in the world, really.
If you kiss a toad, they look like me afterwards,'cause I am a princess.
718-400-6959.
Now, if you're watching this, don't bother calling in.
We're not there.
Yeah.
This was a Mr. Show sketch where they had the pre-taped live call-in show and everyone was a week off.
Poor David Cross had a heart attack.
That was hilarious.
His hair kept getting thinner and thinner.
That was one of the funniest little attributes.
You know why that show was so funny?
Why?
Dimitri Stakalakalov.
He is the wizard of Oz behind most modern comedy.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Not Dmitry Martin.
He's too young.
Dmitry Kamarazov?
Nope.
That's the Dostoevsky book, Tard Boy.
Mr. Show Writer, Dmitry...
Writing staff.
Here we go.
Dino Stamatopoulos.
Dino Stamatopoulos is the funniest person in the world.
An absolute fucking genius.
Also a very weird dude.
He's into Dominatrix's.
Beating him and whipping him and smacking him around.
He even would take his Dominatrix on vacation with him.
I think with his girlfriend and his kid, maybe?
I'm not sure about that.
Don't sue me.
Do you know?
But yeah, he would be on the beach having fun.
And then I guess from like three to four, he'd go back to the hotel room and some lady would beat the shit out of him and tie his balls in a knot or whatever you do when you're into that stuff.
Isn't that bizarre?
Yeah, when your sexual preference is things that Steve-O does for Jackass.
I want you to steve all my balls.
Oh, Steve-O me.
I wanted to get bit by an anglerfish.
That's a generational thing.
Young people don't get like butthole jokes.
You know, in Jackass, what's his name who lives in Westchester now?
Bam?
Bam Marghera.
Put anal beads in his butt and connect them to a bottle, a kite, and then the kite slowly pulled them out of his butt.
When my generation hears that, they go, when millennials hear that, they have a fucking heart attack.
Wait, wait, they hit it?
Yeah.
Remember the my butt plug incident is like totally ostracized me from an entire generation.
It's so salacious.
Yeah, and I was like, it wasn't like I was doing an erotic video.
We were watching Hillary.
Yeah, that'd be really bad.
She was dancing really badly.
I go, she danced like something's up her ass.
I bet I could dance better with something up my ass.
And there was sex toys because we had porn stars on the show.
So you didn't buy the thing?
No, I grabbed one, kind of got it in there, and then danced better than her.
It was like, yeah, it wasn't even really in there.
It was a funny bit.
And then everyone's like, yeah, he's okay, except for the incident.
Now, if you were doing that.
The gay incident.
Now, if I were to tell you you did that in private, and it came up to the people, but it was for a show.
It was a bit.
It was a tote.
I'm also going to squeeze in a bet DSI.
When did we start this?
Half an hour ago?
All right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
35 minutes ago.
I want to catch up on our letters.
Uh-oh.
Say it ain't so.
Milo Studio wants more money because he's ghost- Why are you guys so fucking late?
Eclipse.
All right, so before we start reading, you might want to time code this too.
Before we start reading some mail, I intended this entire episode to be a mailbag.
But we're just chatty cathys.
Oh shit, I didn't finish my Popeye story.
Sorry.
So she's pissed at him and she goes, you didn't do anything for me.
Now, maybe she's a fob, fresh off the boat, and she's from some shithole like Vietnam or even worse, like Cambodia or something.
And sure, the woman seemed diminutive and submissive in Asia because that's a stereotype.
But I bet you the dudes, like, will machete your hand off if you slight them.
You know, they're not pussies in Southeast Asia.
So she's probably used to a woman getting yelled at and then the other man is like, oh, yo, oh, yo, touch, and hacks her with a machete.
So she's really pissed at him.
And then he's sort of running around behind her, trying to make it up to her, like getting her straws and stuff.
It was fucking pathetic.
And I was there with my daughter and her friend, and I was going, okay, don't look now.
And then they both go.
I go, kids, I'm never telling you about a gossip scenario again unless you figure out how to look.
And then I realized I hadn't taught them that.
The way you look behind you at Popeyes, if there's an argument going on, is you look at the paint.
Oh, okay.
So they paint the whole roof?
And then that's all different.
And there's stickers there.
And then that.
And then it's on the floor.
Oh, and there's that.
You're just a paint buff.
And you're interested in their new paint job.
Nice.
Or if you don't mind looking at things upside down, you can do this, the backwards you own.
That's a bit much.
Or tie your shoes.
You know what one I like to do when we're getting lunch at Chick-fil-A and there's a fucking smoke show in line?
And I've done this with you many times.
What Ryan and I do is we go, you see all this here?
That's going to come down.
And they're going to put up new finishings all along here.
And then when you sort of go down a bit, go, it might lead all the way down to the ground.
We're not sure.
So you keep the eyes up here, but you steal a long glance and then back up, back up.
Right where that lady's ass is.
The perfect ass right there?
Right above the perfect hits right there.
We're going to be doing a new finishing.
Or when I used to take pictures for do's and don'ts, the fashion critiques in Vice magazine, I would take the picture of the woman, because this is before everyone had a camera in their cell phone.
So I had a big obtuse digital camera, and I would go, and then without looking at them, I would look at the architecture on top of them and then pretend I was just there to photograph a sconce.
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That's why it's as old as time.
God, I hate that in articles where they go, since the beginning of time, man has always dealt with conflict.
Thanks.
Thanks for the headset.
I need your thesis.
Yeah.
Prostitution, the oldest profession.
Or another thing that shows that you're a hack writer is the dictionary.
And you go, if you look in the dictionary under violence, it says blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And this.
I have a dictionary.
Also, stop saying think about it.
Don't tell me what to think.
Are we piling up a bunch of calls?
We got some calls.
All right.
Well, how are we going to get to the mailbag?
We might have to ignore it for the show.
We might have to give up On the mailbag?
Oh, we could do a mailbag.
We could do a mailbag.
I'm going to cue you again.
I accidentally clicked Mark.
So I'm going to cue him.
Okay.
And are we ready for the yeah, I guess we might just totally flake on the mailbag and just do calls.
Oh, okay.
I was good.
And don't know this, you're going to also make this free.
So don't cancel.
Don't make this free.
No, don't start going behind the paywall until I do another Johnny Apple CBD.
Gotcha.
Okay.
So we don't usually have calls in public.
Right.
But this time we do.
Ew.
Hey, Mark.
Lee.
Hello.
Hi, Mark.
Oh, hi, Mark.
I'm Merkley, actually.
That's my name.
Oh, I know you, Merkley.
the guy who looks like wind.
That's me.
I'm the guy who looks like wind.
Long time no CIP.
This sounds like shit.
Mark, why does your phone sound like poop?
Yeah, there's no.
It's not my phone.
I'm not even on the speakerphone.
So it's my fault?
So that feedback isn't from your end from for some reason.
Are you getting an echo?
Anyway, yeah, it's a big long delay to like two-second delay.
Yeah, the delay we're getting to.
Alright, what's your question?
Listen, so what's your what's your beef with uh do you realize you have a beef going on with Anomaly?
Do you know who Anomaly is No He's that young kid?
He's an awesome kid.
He's like a little rapper.
He's pro-Trump.
He's everything that the left fears.
He's he's scary.
I want to see you two get together.
But I feel like he made fun of his long hair and his suit.
And he just personally did a little spot video with your beard and your hand on your mustache.
And I think it's all in good spirits here because I know that you guys ideologically are.
I can't hear you, dude.
Thanks for calling.
Thanks for calling.
Sorry.
Can't hear you.
Whose fault is that, Ryan?
I don't know, but when we mentioned he might be getting an echo, so he's distancing himself from the complaining about an echo.
That sounded really garbled.
I don't know, but anyway, that's a photographer named Merkley.
Met him fucking 15 years ago, and we got along very well.
He's one of these lefties who is intelligent and open-minded, like a classical liberal like Dave Rubin or whatever.
So he ends up overlapping with the right quite a bit because he's into horrible things like free speech and probably the Second Amendment.
So he's an open-minded liberal, I would classify him as.
I used to see him on social media before I was banned.
And he's discussing a reaction to a video I did.
I did a video where I split conservatives into two groups, the trad right and the new right, and they both hate each other.
That would be the trad right page.
And the new right is the more mainstream Ben Shapiro stuff.
I like both sides, and I'm pushing for unity because the only way we can fight the deep state and political correctness and all of this censorship is if everyone to the right of center is, or to the right of AOC, I should say, is unified.
And we keep pillaring the far right when they say dumb things or make an unfortunate joke.
I'm not talking about Richard Spencer and the psycho-anti-Semitic lunatics that sliver on the far right, but they don't really exist.
Charlottesville was all of them, and that's like 300 people.
We're a population of, what, 360 million?
360 of us are toxic.
But during this video, I didn't know who Anomaly was, and if you go back to the picture, he's the guy right by my finger there wearing the suit, and he has long hair.
So Merkley is saying, why can't you be friends with him?
Now, I was told that he did a video hurting my feelings.
I have not, I wanted to save, Ryan told me this, but I didn't watch it because I wanted to save it for the show.
So why don't we watch it live?
Pre-recorded live.
Bunny ears.
Now.
What's his name?
Now I don't know.
Steve Fransen.
Steve Fransen.
I don't know Steve Fransen.
Fransen.
But he seems like a very Christian dude.
I hope he has a wife and a kid.
I have no fucking clue who this guy is.
But I don't like when guys wear suits with long hair.
I think that's my cousin.
That's as bad as having a suit with a backpack.
Nice tie, though.
Cut your hair, dude.
Men should never have long hair.
It's so distracting.
All right.
So.
Why the fuck would I take fashion advice from somebody with a handlebar mustache?
You look like Joseph Stalin if he never obtained power and just sat in Silver Lake smoking salvia for 10 years.
Wait, can we just pause here?
Your problem, Mr. Anomaly, is you're assuming that I am following a trend.
I started the mustache.
So you're saying me being a hipster is...
So when you talk about baristas and steampunks and all that, that came after me.
That's true.
I was the first guy to do the beard with the short hair.
All of this shit I started.
I created.
The fashionista, bro.
You're dressed like a cheap kid's birthday party magician at Chuck E. Cheese.
Your tie looks like the last trick.
Whoa, look how long it goes.
It's just never ending.
Is that a pocket square or a napkin?
It's a napkin.
No, it's not.
It's a pocket square.
And that tie is an expensive tie.
What's he saying?
My tie looks too long?
This is terrible.
You look like you went dumpster diving at Roger Stone's house for the stuff he threw in the trash.
I don't need iconic advice from you, bro.
So that's a custom-made suit.
How is that a kids' party suit?
And my tie is too long?
We're yet to have a salient insult here.
You look like every barista in Williamsburg.
I'll take the oat milk.
You're dressed like a 50-year-old used car salesman who goes home and calls his son Sport.
Good evening, sport.
These cars aren't going to...
So the whole scam artist used car salesman ended in the 90s at the very latest.
They're no longer scumbags.
What's the matter with calling your kids sport?
And also, if you're balding so severely that the part in your hair looks like a skin-colored caterpillar going into hibernation, maybe you don't maybe don't have a middle part.
Jesus Christ, it makes his face look like an apple with a stem on the top.
What is that little handle in the top of your hair there, dude?
And again, beards with long hair makes you look like the bearded lady at the circus.
Wait, is that a shine or is that a part?
I don't get it.
Why do men do that?
Why do men have flowing locks?
I don't know.
Is that a shine or a part?
It doesn't matter.
You shouldn't be able to see that much skin in your middle part.
It looks like you did it with clippers.
They're going to sell themselves.
You have that distinct look of that fat, annoying kid from high school who acted like Cartman, who got like 35 and grew to little facial hair, and all of a sudden thought he was a male model.
You should shave it all off so everybody can see you look like you have Down syndrome.
And that's only a disrespectful, edgy joke because I love and respect kids with Down syndrome.
And no kid like that should ever have to be compared to Gavin McGinnis.
It's not fair to those legends.
But yeah, good luck with the girls.
He looked like he put Vaseline on his face and then ate out a bowl of tea leaves.
Just come back to me when you don't have a handlebar mustache.
Why would I come back to you?
Anyway, I'm sure he's a good boy.
It was a playful little thing.
But then on the second, what's it?
The second one, he just kept repeating the Starbucks line.
He's like, hey, man, almond milk.
I think he was streaming and somebody asked about it.
So he's trying to riff again.
But I thought that one was funny.
But the second one, not so much.
Yeah, if you're going to make fun of me, make fun of the lack of chin.
I would stay away from the clothes.
That's a bad area in general.
I'm incredibly well-dressed at all times.
The mustache thing is okay, but when you say brees and everything, you're talking about things I invented.
I would talk about how pathetic it is that someone with money who could be retired is still in media, desperately trying to get his message across.
Hey, you started this in 94.
If your message hasn't come out yet, maybe it's time to pack it in.
Fuck nuts.
Something like that.
Your friends are in listening to you leads people into prison.
Everyone who follows you gets arrested and goes to prison.
That's not very, you're not helping anyone.
If you had shut your mouth, two men wouldn't be in prison right now.
Something like that might be good.
Those are harsh burns.
I think it was a light burn type thing.
Hey, Brian.
Wait, wait.
Now that we've covered that, this is all going to be free.
We're going to go behind the paywall soon.
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What are you doing, Ryan?
Ryan is running to the sink to get Wawa.
Do we shoot this show in the desert in Arizona?
Why do you need to stay so fucking hydrated?
So?
People at my boxing gym aren't allowed to have water.
Good fighters don't need it.
Bad fighters don't deserve it.
You sit at a fucking desk and you're like, oh, Jesus, I have to keep sipping.
And then he gets up because he has to go pee-pee.
I took an attempt at my life last night via alcohol.
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That's it for the free portion of the show.
This has been a pre-taped Thanksgiving episode.
We did this on Sunday that just passed.
And we wish you nothing but the best this Thanksgiving.
Please don't fight.
If politics are going to separate the family this Thanksgiving, then shut your mouth.
Shut your face.
And his face was shut.
That's a Billy Connolly.
And shut was his face.
Yeah, nothing's more important than family, not even politics.
So if liberals have Trump derangement syndrome, just let's give them a few days and let's not get into it because it's like a cat playing with a mouse before he eats it.
You know it's not fair.
You know they don't know how many legals there are.
You know they don't have any solutions.
You know they talk about debt forgiveness on student loans, but have no idea what to do with the next line of student loans.
Same with immigration.
They want all these immigrants given citizenship, but then you go, okay, what about the next wave?
They don't do long-term thinking.
So just let them be dumb this holiday and get along with them.
Focus on what you have in common and not what you have different in this Thanksgiving.
Same goes for Christmas.
Jesus Christ.
Can we take a day off from brawling?
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And only stop fighting during Thanksgiving and Christmas.
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