Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S02E60 - WHITE NOISE

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Sept. 17, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:34:42

S02E60 - WHITE NOISE

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	Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Kevin McGuinness.
	I feel the home.
	That song takes a long ass time to get good.
	I love it.
	Gay intro.
	Very gay intro.
	I'm wearing this sweatshirt today to commemorate my hatred for thin hoodies.
	I was watching the Mets game and Mickey Calloway, he wears a hoodie t-shirt, which drives me nuts.
	The purpose of this is a lifeguard is cold and he puts his or her hood up to stay warm.
	When you have a floppy hood and you put it on your head, it looks like a foreskin.
	So it's just there as an accoutrement.
	And that's gay.
	That's lame.
	You have to...
	Hoods should be utilitarian.
	They're about warmth.
	And even having a thin sweatshirt at all is infuriating.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah.
	And that heather material, that's the heather pattern.
	I hate that.
	Wait, we have clown worlds that are in that pattern in gray.
	Yeah, but that's different.
	In what sense?
	Because some people like that.
	Because that pays your bills.
	See, this is what a hood should be.
	It should be thick.
	I know it doesn't look cool.
	It's not about cool.
	I hate when people wear hoods to be cool.
	Especially like, that's an East New York thing.
	In the hood, they'll wear their hoods up all the time.
	And with their shower shoes and their sweatpants, you go, are you under house arrest?
	Why are you dressed like that?
	Yeah, that was Eddie Money.
	Take Me Home Tonight.
	He also died.
	We gave so much attention to Rick Okasich yesterday.
	I felt kind of bad for not handling our NYPD blues.
	Eddie Money's dad was a cops, brother's a cop, big cop family.
	He claims he was a cop.
	I don't think he ever graduated the rookie school, the academy.
	But he just like posed with, you know, NYPD stuff on at a typewriter because it was a cool look.
	Yeah, this picture's fake.
	Look at that.
	The shirt is brand new.
	He's wearing his brother's shirt.
	You didn't fill out paperwork at the MYPD.
	Yeah, and you hold your baton on you while you typewrite?
	What kind of cop.
	But that song is a jam.
	Let's dive a little deeper into it, into the middle of it.
	Take me home tonight.
	So it's got that gay 80s intro.
	I'm saying gay too much.
	Sorry, homos.
	That's actually Ronnie Spectre.
	But the breakdown is good when it's like, shhm.
	So lame, lame.
	By the way, say no woman, take me home tonight?
	Why don't we just go to the fuck at your house?
	No, I want you to take me home.
	Okay, is your house disgusting?
	Are your roommates creeps?
	No.
	I just like the idea of you taking me home and making love to me.
	Well, what are you gonna do?
	Just lie there?
	Yeah, you mount me.
	I'll just lie there.
	I want you to take me.
	Take me home tonight and then take me.
	Take me in your arms, lady.
	And hold the doors for me, too.
	Yeah, just put your arms around me.
	I want to feel safe.
	I want to put my head right here.
	And just feel safe, nuscled.
	You can put your arm around me.
	I'll fall asleep right here.
	Thanks for taking me home.
	And this referencing, just like Ronnie is saying.
	Yeah, I'm not sure.
	You're referencing a chick.
	My favorite band's the Ronettes.
	You know the song, Be My Baby?
	That's my favorite song.
	Will you take me home?
	I want to be your little baby.
	Can I suck your boobies?
	Will you breastfeed me?
	But it does get good.
	Play it.
	All right.
	Wait, what happened?
	Like in the middle, it's got that cool breakdown.
	music music
	Here we go.
	Hold on, let's go.
	It's got like jeep.
	I feel a humble.
	Well then why don't you take her to your house pussy?
	There we go.
	Oh.
	Maybe that's why he didn't become a cop, because he's a pussy.
	Sorry, Eddie, to disparage you after you did.
	I don't like to speak ill of the dead, but it reminded me of Ronnie Spector and her insane life.
	You have to get this book, Be My Baby.
	What's it called?
	It's got a really long subhead.
	How I Survived Mascara, Mini Skirts, and Madness, or My Life is a Fabulous Ronnette.
	Now, she was married to the wall of sound guy, Phil Spector, who basically invented the rock and roll we know and love today.
	I met him at the candy store.
	He would layer things like 80 times.
	So one little guitar sounded like an orchestra.
	And he was also a fucking nut bar who killed a woman.
	But he was married to Ronnie Specter, hence her last name.
	And he tormented her.
	He was so controlling, such a freak.
	He was such a freak that when he was unavailable to chaperone her, she would drive around in a car that had him as a mannequin.
	A stuffed mannequin in the passenger seat, dressed like him with his wig on, wearing sunglasses.
	You probably can't find that.
	But it had sunglasses on, and it would just sit in her car as Phil Specter.
	He controlled where she went, what she ate, what she did.
	She was about 20.
	Puerto Rican.
	Look how Puerto Rican she is.
	That's pretty nice.
	That's as Puerto Rican as Puerto Ricans get, right?
	Yeah.
	Like a dash of black.
	It looks more Dominican, to be fair.
	Like the eyes.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, there's a lot of eyes.
	Dominican eyes are different than Puerto Rican eyes.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah.
	Puerto Rican eyes.
	They're watching you.
	She's got Puerto Rican eyes.
	Dude, dude.
	That's when she's getting mad old.
	When she started the run out, she was 20.
	Wow.
	But yeah, that book is amazing.
	Let's see a bit of Be My Baby.
	I love girl music, like girl groups from the 50s and 60s.
	That's back when they were well-behaved.
	Remember when he hit me, it felt like a kiss?
	The crystals?
	All right, here we go.
	When he hit me, it felt like a kiss.
	Because it showed he loved me.
	Good girl.
	And if I had the chance, I would never let you go.
	I so want you to say you love me.
	You hear that music?
	Sounds like it's 9,000 people.
	That is a big sound.
	Yeah.
	Not that we advocate shooting women in the head.
	All right, that's enough of that.
	Speaking of broads, I've been watching commercials.
	Before you show the two chick commercials I sent you at the 11th hour, let's look at this Geico one closely.
	Because there's two things going on with the cuck commercials.
	One, men are human garbage, especially white men, are human garbage and they suck.
	But now black men are getting pulled into this.
	Like the she shed, they didn't burn down your she-shed, Cheryl.
	And he's just sitting there with a garden hose, just like limp, just like with a pug nose just going, they didn't destroy your she-shed, Cheryl.
	And then water's trickling out of his limp penis.
	So black men, you want to be treated equally?
	Welcome aboard.
	Welcome to being second-class citizen in the family, being a pathetic loser piece of shit.
	Or in Black Mirror, we're like, all right, you guys are the leading roles.
	Now you're two gay nerds.
	Yeah, we're going to have you both fuck each other.
	This is what men do in TV.
	Now, you happy?
	I don't want to be a gangster anymore.
	I'm sick of always being a criminal badass.
	Okay, now you're a fag.
	Oh, can I go back to the stereotypical roles, please?
	I kind of like Boys in the Hood better than Boys in the Butt.
	I just made that up, right?
	That's really good.
	All right, so watch this football ad closely, this Geico ad.
	Just pause.
	That's obviously a doofus dork, right?
	Mustaches are known as like a douche.
	So he's like a useless douche.
	Since the agents available 24-7, it's not just easy.
	It's having Jerome Bettis on your flag football team easy.
	Go get him, bust!
	Okay, watch closely.
	Pause.
	You'll notice that when the white, first of all, the white guys go down like that, but there's one where he really just shoves them down.
	I think it's this guy.
	And they choose that moment to cheer hysterically at the white guy getting his face shoved into the grass.
	Move.
	Here.
	See that?
	Just pause.
	Weird.
	So they love it when that happens, right?
	Wait, what's going on with the AC?
	I thought we turned it off.
	But then they end the commercial because that's not the commercial I saw.
	Keep going.
	Oh, yeah!
	Oh, not that easy.
	Then he goes and chases the white guys away.
	Oh, this is the longer.
	Now look, the black guy, he puts up a good fight, and he holds on to him.
	It's Geico Easy.
	Whoa.
	So in the shorter version, they just shove the white guy down.
	Everyone goes, yeah.
	And then the black guy puts up a good fight against this professional football player.
	So now I look a little weird.
	Now I look like I'm nitpicking and I'm like, well, the boycott didn't get enough time on screen.
	So let's look at this, not that commercial, but the Audi.
	How insane is this?
	Now I know this is not me being crazy.
	This is ridiculous.
	We're coming to get you.
	Ow!
	Ding
	Where are you landing?
	In the sunroof?
	All right, let's just go back over that from the beginning, please.
	Hey, I would like to say, A, no woman on earth has a fantasy about being next to the guys that she was just at a conference with.
	They were all probably working pretty hard.
	They're kind of hungover.
	I've been to a lot of conferences.
	You usually feel pretty good when you're coming back.
	It's usually very fruitful.
	That's why they're successful.
	You got a big briefcase full of business cards.
	You made some serious contacts.
	I don't know.
	Maybe I've just been lucky.
	But back in Vice days, we used to go to these retail fashion conferences.
	And I don't know.
	They've always seemed to work out pretty good.
	So you're coming back.
	You had some fun.
	They're relaxing too.
	You get to party.
	So the idea that I hate my two co-workers, my two six foot five co-workers, that's weird.
	And then the idea that I'm a fugitive and I'm going to beat the shit out of them and escape the plane.
	No woman, not one, has ever had this fantasy ever.
	So who are they trying to appeal to?
	Someone's coming to rescue me from this plane.
	That I could imagine.
	I hate flying.
	Okay, pause.
	Have you ever hit your head on the back of a plane seat?
	You mean the ones that are probably made to kind of spend possibly billions, but definitely millions making sure you don't hit your head.
	If you're next to a federal agent and you grab the back of his head and go, wham, in the airplane seat in front of him, he'll go, what the fuck?
	What's the matter with you?
	Are you crazy?
	I'm going to charge you with assault.
	I'm going to add that to your charges.
	Even though that obviously didn't hurt, it's a little soft foam thing with several layers of foam core behind the foam.
	I'm still mad at you.
	And then the next guy, the Black guy, boiling hot coffee in his face.
	Yes, that hurts like hell.
	You go, ah, god damn it.
	Jesus Christ, Marty, what's going on with her?
	We got to handcuff both her hands.
	Ah, shit.
	My face is all burnt.
	Not third-degree burns, but uncomfortable burns nonetheless.
	And now I'm mad.
	Yeah.
	Not, ah, I can't move.
	Take my keys.
	Ow!
	The other guy's incapacitated.
	Is there some sort of electrical taser fluid in your coffee?
	There's no.
	Why are you so incapacitated?
	Yeah.
	All right, keep going.
	We should have made this a green screen.
	Another thing, that's a commercial flight?
	Like she's a high-profile prisoner agent on a commercial flight?
	Yeah, that's also weird.
	And third, why is every baggage claim thing just bursting at the seams?
	Everyone position their stuff just so it's about to fall.
	And fifthly, federal agents have the ability, thanks to their training, to step over an inflatable neck pillow.
	They tried very hard.
	Eventually, when you finally make it to the bureau, you can go like this and step over a suitcase to catch a five-foot-tall woman.
	An AOC-build woman.
	Yeah, AOC's midget sister can be obtained.
	Oh, those are actually temporopedic, not inflatable neck pillows.
	I apologize.
	Those doors don't open?
	And then what the fuck is happening here?
	They're both exposed.
	They're going at like 50 miles an hour.
	What are you grabbing onto when you land on that car?
	The little lip where the front window is, the windshield?
	Like, what happens when you hit the car?
	Bounce off.
	I would open the sunroof.
	You fall in.
	You're going to break both your legs, but at least you're not going to prison.
	By the way, good luck getting off the tarmac.
	Right.
	It's some of the highest security places on earth.
	It's all fenced in.
	What are you going to do?
	is go out the side door and drive home.
	We're good.
	So this is 101% shit.
	Jessica pointed out how these poor guys are just sleeping.
	It's not like they got the seats to be like, hey, let's sandwich this bitch in.
	Yeah.
	And they probably would give her a different seat.
	I know men.
	I'm gay for men.
	And two giants, they're probably used to, you know, being giant.
	They're like, you can sit here if you'd like.
	Yeah, I gave a woman my seat the other day, and I'm not a giant or cool.
	But are you using yourself as an example of a giant?
	You're literally a foot tall.
	I said shorter than these guys.
	I said, I'm not a giant.
	And I gave my seat away to a lady.
	I traded seats.
	All right.
	But also, like, those guys are probably holding in their farts for her.
	Yeah, you said that last time.
	I don't think that's true.
	Yeah, they're holding in their farts for her.
	They go to the toilet and fart.
	Exactly.
	For her.
	For her benefit.
	For her t-shirt.
	Go to the toilet and fart.
	That'd be funny if it's our new insult.
	You know what?
	Go to the toilet and fart.
	Actually, that is a Chinese insult.
	Really?
	Yeah, it's like, stop, your farts are filling up your face or something about holding in farts.
	It's like a Mandarin insult.
	Don't go look it up.
	All right, so can't get any crazier than this, right?
	Let's check out this other commercial Charlie's Tharone is doing for Budweiser.
	They've re-released their original Budweiser recipe that I believe George Washington came up with back in the 70s, the 1970s.
	Yeah.
	When he was 102 years old.
	So yeah, they've got his original blend.
	It's in a little stubby bottle.
	I tried it.
	It's a little too tasty for me.
	I like my beer bland.
	But I do advocate for craft beer.
	It's just not my cup of tea.
	I'm sorry.
	I like shitty beer.
	But I don't have a problem with men brewing craft beer, which we'll get to later on in the show.
	We have Lily Singh and Rain Wilson on the show.
	We're very excited to say.
	I'm already getting hot.
	I knew it.
	Here's the deal, guys.
	You can't wear a sweatshirt if it's more than 60 degrees out.
	I know you want to.
	You think they're cool.
	So you've got a skinny, thin one made of t-shirt material.
	No.
	You might as well have a t-shirt material parka on or a t-shirt material boots.
	No.
	Well, canvas, you know, converse.
	Canvas converse?
	Yeah, converse and made of canvas.
	I think that's a bad material.
	What?
	For anything but summer.
	You wear converse in the wintertime, right?
	No, I wear red wings.
	Like all real men.
	Alright.
	Go ahead.
	Alright, this is fine.
	You know what?
	I know a lot.
	My wife drinks beer all the time.
	Not all the time, but like once every couple weeks, she'll try a beer.
	Uh-oh.
	Okay, this is your first mistake.
	Hold my beer.
	No.
	actually.
	Okay, just pause.
	To be really, really good at pool, as my dad points out, you have to waste most of your life.
	Like, you have to have been playing pool in a bar for pretty much your entire formative years, 18 to 26, to get really, really good.
	And it's like it's, well, my dad would say, people are good at fighting or good at pool have been wasting their bloody lives.
	He wasn't talking about boxing.
	He meant like just being fighting in bars.
	So there's no way a smoke show like Charlize Therone was spending any amount of time playing pool.
	There's probably two attractive female pool players in the world.
	And the idea that Charlize is one of them, okay, you know what?
	My suspension of disbelief can almost handle it, but she better have no other talents.
	Like she can't drive.
	She has to have all her food spoon fed to her.
	She can't digest properly.
	She has an IV and she drinks yogurt.
	And she's at a center for handicapped people where they put her pants on for her.
	And they don't get horny while they do it because they're professionals.
	Here we go.
	It's cheating to rock her rock.
	What the heck?
	Wait, now, okay, now she's also a darts Expert.
	So I guess she's 320 years old.
	What is she?
	A vampire?
	How did she practice darts?
	And again, back to the Audi thing: women don't have this fantasy.
	There's no woman at a bar, none, who are sitting around going, that would be so badass if I could just walk over to those guys and totally kick their ass at pool while listening to Run DMC and a Budweiser in my hand.
	And then take those same guys and kick their butts at darts.
	That would be badass.
	It doesn't go through their heads.
	That's a male fantasy.
	I've had that fantasy.
	I've had fantasies where I come in and beat everyone up and play darts and blah blah blah.
	That's a normal male fantasy.
	It's not a female fantasy ever.
	Who is this commercial for?
	I guess nerds?
	Yeah.
	Boom.
	Hey, Charlize, just pause.
	If you're watching this, you may punch me in the face as hard as you possibly can.
	I'd like to take my glasses off.
	These are like $450.
	But I'll sit here like this, and you may punch me as hard as you fucking can.
	And I'll give you a thousand bucks if my nose bleeds.
	You will not crack my lip.
	You obviously won't knock me out.
	I will have a red mark here for an hour.
	Have you ever been punched?
	This is why I made up this rule about domestic violence.
	You may hit a woman every 12 times she hits you.
	1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, bonk.
	1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, bonk.
	Well, not a fist.
	Yes.
	Oh, wow.
	She has to be punching you, though.
	She can't be going like this.
	I owe some.
	But she's like, fuo, beh, foo, bish.
	And now, have you ever, first of all, you played pool with women, right?
	They suck.
	You keep on explaining the game.
	Darts, same thing.
	Oh, that's triple 20.
	That's really good.
	That's better than a bullseye.
	That's 60.
	You get it?
	Okay.
	Well, what's the bullseye?
	That's 50.
	Oh, okay.
	You want to try to get triple 20 or the bullseye?
	You understand it yet?
	Arm wrestling, I don't think I've ever arm wrestled a woman.
	It's just such a waste of time.
	Mean.
	Yeah, look, now she's going to beat this redneck who looks like he changes the rear axle on trucks for a living.
	Rock, roll, roll.
	Oh, I'm sorry.
	I'm so good at arm watching.
	There's an end of time.
	Yeah, you should be sorry.
	What a ridiculous mess, huh?
	She hears it again.
	She's like, guys, having fun.
	Oh, that's the end of the commercial?
	Is round two?
	Yeah, and by the way, I thought that was looping.
	Wait, show the viewers that.
	So after she's done all this damage and emasculated an entire bar, some other wise ass is making noise.
	Having fun.
	In town.
	Why does she have such disdain for other people enjoying them?
	Just let him enjoy his pool game, bitch.
	Hey, I'm better than you.
	You know what?
	I'm going to show you that you're not good at pool by creating a fictional character that's really good at pool and puts you in your place.
	You know what this reminds me of?
	PETA.
	People for the ethical treatment of animals.
	You know how they show you that you should treat animals right?
	They anthropomorphesize them.
	They make them into humans.
	So they'll say, would you put a human in a cage outside in the freezing cold?
	Or they'll brand themselves.
	They'll go, you think this is cool?
	Ow!
	And you're sitting there as a meat eater.
	And again, I was a vegetarian for 15 years.
	Damn.
	But you're sitting there as a meat eater going, no, no, they're different.
	They're animals.
	They're not humans.
	And if the only way you can elicit sympathy from me is to anthropomorphize them, then you're proving my point.
	It's the exact same with these women who say women are great at sports, and you say, let me see who.
	And then they show you that purple-haired lesbian from the soccer team.
	And you go, oh, you mean you're most male women are good at sports?
	So the better you are at sports, the more male you are.
	Because we know lesbians have more testosterone, and there's just simply more masculine than straight women.
	Every boxing match I see, I see a lesbian beat this, every female, I see a lesbian beat the shit out of a straight chick.
	Lesbians always win.
	Same with MMA.
	The lesbians always win.
	They should be in a separate category.
	What's this?
	Yeah.
	Because about the PETA thing.
	You might as well show it now.
	Where this woman, she went on a daring rescue and ended up killing babies because she took away their mothers or something.
	Why is she bleeding?
	Because somebody smashed the window?
	She tried to save 16 rabbits from a farm.
	And then I think they, I guess they, she killed 100 bunnies.
	I'm literally covered in blood.
	She's been accused of.
	She's literally covered in blood.
	Look.
	Wouldn't it be funny if she died?
	Yeah.
	So you say a thing is a thing and it defies stereotypes and then you show me a fictional thing.
	Well, that's my point.
	You know what I mean?
	Like if I say I'm not gay and then I go and suck a dick going, see?
	No, that's a terrible analogy.
	But you're telling me women are kick-ass and then you show me a video where they dominate pool and darts and they beat the shit out of everyone and win at arm wrestling.
	But they don't.
	Or you're telling me animals deserve to be treated fairly.
	They're just like humans.
	And then you show me like a human wearing a horse head and you go, you see, it hurts when I whip this.
	You go, but that's not a horse.
	That was a horse.
	Speaking of fighting, I went to a fight on Saturday.
	No, Friday?
	Oh, yeah, how was that?
	Yeah, Friday.
	It was good.
	My boy, Larry, fires.
	He got, he lost.
	But this dude just kept mauling him.
	It was a female ref, by the way.
	Crystal something.
	And she kept mauling.
	The opponent kept mauling him, like putting his arms around him.
	And Larry's an inside fighter, and he couldn't get his inside punches in because there was a guy wrapped around him like a fucking sloth.
	Are you finding that fight?
	Yeah, wasn't it in Larry Fryers?
	Yeah.
	Let me see.
	Maybe put the date.
	Anyway, that's not important.
	What I thought I should mention is you get involved in this internet bubble where you start believing all the shit you read.
	And I'm very unpopular on the internet.
	I'm a fascist and Islamophobe and a homophobe and a transphobe.
	And if you don't get out, you tend to start believing that shit.
	And I'm sure even you on a smaller scale, you're not as famous as me, clearly.
	You know, you get negative comments on your little local Facebook posts and you go, shit, maybe I have become a dick.
	But I go into the city every single day.
	And that night, for example, I thought, this is a good example of how the internet isn't real and the real world is totally different.
	Like, I'm sure if you talk to HuffPost or most people in the creative community, they'd say I'm Satan.
	But I go out, I meet a buddy from my gym at this bar, American Whiskey, that's near Madison Square Gardens.
	And I'm sitting there talking to him.
	And then these young kids come up.
	They're probably like 21 Hispanic looking kids.
	And they go, holy shit, are you Gavin McInnis?
	Can we get a picture?
	Yes.
	I take a picture with the little Mexican men.
	And then the bartender comes over.
	I'm not bragging, by the way.
	I'm not bragging.
	But the bartender comes over and goes, I recognize you.
	And I go, uh-oh, is this going to be the fascist thing I saw about on HBO and Law and Order and CSI as he found a fascist?
	And he goes, this guy fucking rules.
	We're doing a shot.
	And he goes, I love that video you made about how to drink in a bar, where you said three men shouldn't be next to each other.
	If there's more than two, then one guy stands and it forms a triangle.
	Or else you're sort of leaning back to the guy.
	And then you're like that the whole time.
	Unless you're on the corner of a bar.
	Is that online, How to Drink in a Bar, Gavin McKinnis?
	Because Vans took them all down after being pressured by Antifa.
	And we all know what you do when Antifa's mad.
	You capitulate.
	Fire everyone involved if you get an angry tweet from...
	Who put it up?
	Looks like I can't tell right now.
	Why not?
	Because it's an non-YouTube thing that I got to click into YouTube.
	It's A-Man A, 86 subscribers.
	This is a re-upload.
	Thank you.
	This is a re-upload.
	I did the original upload, so of course it's a re-upload.
	Oh!
	I thought Vans did it.
	I heard there's a bar in Ireland where they play this on a loop on an iPad on the wall.
	Oh, hell no!
	Hey!
	What were you having?
	A smoothie?
	Well, it was a blackberry margarita.
	What are you doing?
	You know how long those take to make, you asshole?
	How long do those take to make?
	I don't know.
	That guy was an intern who tried to sue us for wages.
	What with that bullshit?
	Because he works so hard.
	This is bullshit.
	You work for free, instance.
	Tip one, know your drink, keep it simple.
	Tip two, don't order water.
	Drinks are water.
	That's why they're called drinks.
	Oh, no, no, no, no.
	Tip three, use cash at a bar.
	Okay, all you're doing is delaying the tips for this guy by about a week.
	And tip four, men don't order wine, all right?
	We're not at a fine Italian dinner.
	That looks fun.
	Okay, uh, can I see your beer list?
	Please.
	That guy ended up doing that show Rats, that cartoon on HBO.
	Oh, okay, yeah, yeah.
	He's Mike, and the other guy's Phil, and they do it together.
	Beer list?
	What are you gonna do?
	Get a pumpkin ale or a chocolate stout?
	It's rotten barley and oats, okay?
	We're here to drink rotten fruits and vegetables, not some fruity snack, okay?
	Order a normal beer like everybody else, you fuckwad.
	The dog's choking, and I don't know if CPU is.
	I take my two fingers and I press it down.
	I'm going like really tiny, like ah.
	Guys, guys, guys, this does not work.
	Three people in a row does not work.
	Look, you're going...
	And this poor bastard's craning his neck.
	What?
	What happened?
	Then you switch over to him.
	You go, oh, I was talking about this awesome story.
	Now you're going, what?
	What happened?
	What happened?
	Here's tip six, okay?
	Have you seen this before?
	No.
	When there's three guys, two guys sit, one guy stands.
	Now we create a triangle here.
	This works for a conversation.
	And don't give me your eye-rolling shit, okay?
	You checked your email all day.
	You can stand for a second.
	Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
	Tip number seven, if the game isn't on, there's no TV.
	Whoa, what are you doing?
	Are you showing the bartender pictures of your kids?
	Jesus Christ, no one cares about your fucking kids, okay?
	Tip number eight, no kid pics.
	No, I was just seeing if you could charge my phone.
	That's tip number nine.
	If you don't come to the bar with a charged phone, okay, then you don't get to use your phone.
	It's no fucking internet cafe.
	Are we clear?
	Shut up!
	Tip number 10!
	No more women laughing!
	My God!
	You sound like fucking hyenas!
	No one's saying women shouldn't be allowed in bars, but for fuck's sakes, we're here to relax!
	There.
	Now that's a bar.
	Pretty good bit, huh?
	That is fucking great.
	I just watched your In the Woods thing, too.
	Oh, yeah.
	So the bartender remembered that bit and said, here, man, this is gay that I'm talking about myself, but the message I'm trying to convey is that online we get a totally different idea of what's going on in the world.
	So then we do shots with the black guy, do, did, do, very yummy, little like Spritzer juicy shots.
	Could have been jizz.
	He could have hated my guts.
	And then we go to the boxing match in the Hulu room or whatever it's called, smaller part of Madison Square Garden.
	Peter Frampton was playing in the big part.
	And walking down there, hey man, love your show.
	As I'm walking down to the seats, this kept happening all night.
	So though I'm known as David Duke Meets Satan on the internet, when I walk outside in New York City where 1% of the population voted for Trump, I just keep meeting people.
	High fives, photos, here's a shot.
	Yay, how you doing, buddy?
	That's cool.
	Don't believe the hype.
	Anyway, I kind of regret telling that story that felt uncomfortable.
	Today's New York Post, I'm going to start bringing these in.
	Again, I stopped doing that for A while.
	Boiling point.
	U.S. officials attack on Saudi Arabia.
	I don't fucking care.
	I'm sorry.
	Alex Jones yesterday was talking about this being World War IV.
	When I see Middle East attack Middle East, I yawn.
	As Henry Kissinger said, can't they both lose?
	I don't care.
	I want those fuckers to run out of oil and they can go back to their caves where they belong.
	I hate seeing Saudi sheiks with their Mercedes-Benz and I hate seeing the beautiful buildings of Dubai because I know I bought those and they don't deserve them.
	And Coulter had a right.
	You know, we should have done in the Middle East.
	We should have said, hey, we were just looking at some of your shitty sand and we noticed there's some black crap in it that's going to pollute your water supply.
	So for $100 a month, we're going to get rid of this black gunk that's in your sand and you'll be fine.
	And they would say, thank you.
	Oh my gosh, thank you, thank you.
	And they'd still live in their tents, like the Bedouins, and they wouldn't be dominating.
	They wouldn't have done 9-11 for one.
	Fun article about resting bitch face and how a lot of women are getting plastic surgery to avoid it.
	I like resting bitch face.
	I love bitches.
	The first thing that attracted me to my wife is that she was being a cunt to everyone and ignoring people.
	And I thought, I need to crack that egg.
	Here's one article I found very interesting.
	City panelist Central Park Statue Pitch.
	They want to take down statues in Central Park, and they chose Robbie Bounds and Christopher Columbus.
	And the guy in charge of this is Hank Willis Thomas.
	He is a black painter who's deciding what statues we get in Central Park.
	And all his stuff is just, America sucks, America is racist.
	We had slavery.
	We were in chains.
	Look him up.
	Hank Willis Thomas.
	Are you spelling Thomas or Willis weird?
	Yeah, there he is.
	Look at his works, his body of work.
	So this guy's super young, and he's deciding, thanks to affirmative action, what statues are allowed in this park.
	How old is Central Park?
	It probably goes back to the 1800s, like the early 1800s.
	And one of the guys he thinks doesn't belong there is Rabbi Burns.
	Who the fuck's Rabbi Burns?
	It's just some random Scottish poet?
	No one gives a shit about a Scottish poet.
	Yeah, that's right.
	That's why there's a giant fucking parade called the Tartan Day Parade.
	And that's why there's Rabbi Burns night, where everyone drinks a Burns, sorry, has a Burns supper, drinks whiskey, and recites his poetry.
	This man, Rabbi Burns, was at the forefront of the entire concept of the working man being worthy.
	He was the end of elitism in the Western world.
	When he wrote a man is a man and all that, he was saying blue collar is just as good as upper class.
	That was groundbreaking back then.
	This guy is about the empowerment of the hardworking man.
	And we have some ponce, some whining pussy who does nothing but paintings of slavery.
	Oh, slavery.
	It was so horrible 400 years ago.
	Yeah, I know.
	It was horrible for me too.
	The Irish were slaves.
	Do you want to go back to Watt Tyler and the slavery rebellion of the 1300s where the white slaves of England rose up against the monarchs?
	Should we whine about that all the time?
	Or should we maybe move on?
	Look at this one.
	It's an absolute bottle that's the shape of the Amistad with all the slavery.
	Absolute power.
	You know how anti-biblical it is to be in despair all the time?
	Oh, that's a good point.
	God doesn't like when you're in despair.
	Talk about jamming slavery into everything.
	You managed to jam it into a vodka bottle.
	Yeah, what the fuck?
	Hope you enjoy your absolute vodka.
	It was built on slavery.
	Was it?
	Basically, sort of.
	I don't...
	Kind of it was.
	Right.
	Like in so many, like in Seven Degrees of Kevin Bacon kind of thing?
	Yeah.
	This one's powerful.
	Whoa.
	Damn.
	You want us to play basketball, but you used to lynch us.
	Yeah, I would say a disproportionate number of blacks were lynched in the 1800s.
	Everyone was lynched, though.
	More blacks got lynched than they were represented in the population, but hundreds of white people were lynched.
	All you had to do to lynch someone was have a jury.
	This is probably the origin of a jury.
	Or maybe the jury is British, was have 12 people agree that this guy's a dick.
	Once 12 people agree, anyway, there's a lot of white noise, which brings me to Brett Gillis.
	Shane Gillis.
	Shane Gillis.
	So we were talking about him yesterday, and he has been fired for not being diverse enough.
	Where's my notes on that?
	Did I throw those out?
	Take me home tonight.
	Yeah, I did throw it out.
	Oh, man.
	Oh, man.
	Wait.
	Sorry, folks, I'm just rooting through the garbage here.
	Yeah.
	So when we ended the show, he wasn't yet fired.
	After we sent the show out, he got fired.
	And we had forgotten the controversy that started all this shit.
	And it was back in 2013, they kept saying, why isn't SNL more diverse?
	The second someone says that, know that you're next on the chopping block.
	Like if someone says, hey, Joe Rogan, I notice your guests aren't very diverse.
	Know that that's the first person in front of a giant fucking mob that will not stop until they've devoured all your meat and you're just bones.
	So when you hear someone do that, batting the hatches, lock the doors, pull up the drawbridge, it's on.
	But Lauren Michaels isn't tenacious enough.
	And Keenan Thompson goes, why aren't there more black women?
	And he did the stupidest thing he's ever done.
	This is the worst thing you can do in today's mob mentality.
	He answered truthfully.
	And he said, I got to be honest, man.
	Lauren and I, I go to these things and I sometimes go with them.
	And we have these on audition and they're rarely ready.
	You know, like Leslie Jones, for example, she'd given up on stand-up.
	She hadn't done it in about five years.
	And then they went, what?
	You mean black women aren't funny?
	That's how they took his personal experience that he experienced where he said, I don't know, they don't seem ready when I see them.
	And they go, You're saying black women are shitty.
	And he goes, What?
	I'm almost a black woman.
	I'm one thing away.
	I'm the least masculine black man in New York.
	So they go, Okay, okay, we're sorry, we're sorry.
	They hire Leslie Jones.
	And then, you know, what's funny about that is Leslie Jones is actually a black woman.
	She's not like Keenan Thompson who's been in showbiz his whole life.
	She's like a hood chick.
	And she goes, yo, I got an idea for a joke.
	Yo, check this out.
	I'm a big fat bitch.
	So if this was slavery days, I wouldn't be lonely like I am now.
	I'd be breeding out these niggas.
	I'd be making all kinds of slaves.
	And they'd be giant.
	They'd be LeBron James and shit.
	Or they'd be big, big, giant slaves.
	And they'd just keep breeding me and breeding me for sports and shit.
	Funny bit, by the way.
	But the NAACP freaked out.
	So the leftist PC mob said, you're not hiring enough diverse people.
	Lauren Michaels went crazy and went, you know what?
	I'm not even going to hire like someone like Hallie Berry, who is a hero of color that didn't grow up black and was raised by her white mother and the black dad wasn't around.
	A palatable Cosby show type black.
	I'm going to get you an actual black person.
	That should do me for years.
	And then she comes and starts talking like an actual black person and rich black people at the NASCP who I don't believe anyone there is under 80.
	I mean, they have the word Negro in their acronym.
	Oh, geez, yeah.
	They get pissed off.
	So some time goes by and they go, Jesus Christ, our show isn't funny anymore.
	We hire these improv troops and then they read cue cards and look totally awkward.
	The cue cards have to be the funniest thing in the world.
	So can we just get an actual funny guy?
	I mean, I'm hiring black people and gays and all this shit and my show is suffering.
	Can I just hire an actual funny guy and base the hiring process not on race?
	And someone goes, you know what you could do?
	Hire like what we call a double whammy.
	So like a black paraplegic or a blind black woman or a blind black guy.
	We just did Michael Che.
	Yeah, yeah, but he's just black.
	Okay.
	What about a Gaysian?
	If you could get a gay Asian, we would check off the Asian box and a gay box at the same time, and we'd be immune.
	And then on that, riding that wave of authenticity, and we'd appease the mob, and then we can sneak in an actual funny person.
	So they hired Bowen Yang, who is one of the most homosexual people in the world.
	Like, he's gay.
	When he came out to his parents, they went, you're kidding, right?
	You don't think we knew this?
	Why are you gay?
	Why are you gay?
	Who says I'm gay?
	You are gay.
	So show some of his stand-up.
	Have you got that?
	I do.
	He's a little gay.
	It's an unusual name, but in Mandarin, it means scholars.
	Talking about the name Bowen.
	And in Celtic, it means farmer.
	So those translations cancel out to mean administrative assistant.
	It's not a terrible joke.
	He's pretty mediocre, but everyone loves him because of his race and his sexual preference, which is the way meritocracy works in this day and age.
	You start with all the other factors before the actual humor.
	I mean, that joke doesn't make sense because no Asians use Celtic references to name their children.
	Well, my name is Ryan.
	That's Celtic.
	Yeah.
	Your Asian wasn't around.
	That's true.
	I'm the least Asian thing.
	You don't have an Asian parent.
	No, I do not.
	And he does this bit.
	Find that Alexander Wang bit.
	I did a commercial with Alexander Wang.
	He's a quiet, tittering, shy gay who's not remotely goth.
	And then Bowen Yang does this sketch where Alexander Wang is Satan.
	Alex, when your shift starts, you can just come in through the front door.
	My name is not Alex, it's Alexander Wang, fashion designer, keeper of shadows, and master of the realm of fashion.
	But this is not what Alexander Wang is like.
	So who are you doing an imitation of?
	And he's also not gay like that.
	That's how Bowen Yang acts.
	Alexander Wang is just like, hi, how's it going?
	I'm Alexander Wang.
	I wanted this new line.
	Find Alexander Wang interview.
	He's not, I'm really into Satan.
	And I'm really, really gay at the same time.
	You know, you're a hack when you just have to invent a personality.
	Steve Martin isn't a hack, but it was a hack thing to do when he did Roger Stone on SNL and was like, hey, I'm Roger Stone.
	And the people in the industry are just kind of crazy enough to kind of go along with the ride because they love it so much.
	Is that a raging homo to you?
	Like, he could convince me he's not gay.
	I have a brand here in New York, and as of two months ago, I was appointed creative director of Blen Siaga.
	I started my brand in 2004.
	Where's the goth stuff?
	I'm young school at the time.
	He's just a normal, boring, shy homosexual who's barely gay.
	In fact, you could see if some chick was like, take me home tonight.
	He'd be like, you know what?
	All right.
	Feels good.
	It's mushy.
	Ew.
	I'll do it.
	You talk about his dunk.
	He's crazy.
	Yeah, but it reminds me of this.
	Just like Ronnie says.
	Reminds you of what?
	Look how old he looks there in that freeze frame.
	What are you doing, Ryan?
	Why are you showing us...
	Your frozen screen.
	Yeah, okay, good.
	Show that.
	So, Roger Stone, he has a few mannerisms.
	He blinks a lot.
	he goes like this when he's explaining things.
	His actual voice, though, is a pretty normal, deep voice where he says, I'm telling you, I am the...
	I don't.
	I don't do a Roger Stone per se, But yeah, no.
	Yeah, that's how he talks.
	Kind of gravelly deep.
	I think that we'll be going back to court shortly, and I'll have to, you know, accrue the costs.
	So then Steve Martin does them, and you go, that's a good imitation of somebody, but not Roger Stone.
	So here is Bowen Yang doing Alexander Wang, but it's Steve Martin doing Roger Stone.
	I can't even count that high.
	I'm cool as that.
	She's like a New York Goomba?
	You're really trying to say is that you're a feeble old man, right?
	Oh, yeah, right.
	The pity thing I want to go with.
	I'm just a poor, helpless old man.
	I'm 66.
	I'm almost as old as Sting.
	And that's why it was so awful the way the police raided your home.
	Exactly!
	The whole experience was so harrowing.
	And afterwards, I could only manage one radio interview and a speech from the steps of the courthouse and two appearances on television.
	It's horrible.
	Just pause.
	All right, that's enough.
	That makes me sick.
	That's really terrible.
	The idea that it wasn't harrowing to have more militia, no, more soldiers, more cops, more law enforcement than Osama bin Laden.
	Can you imagine the fucking pussy comedy writers at SNL handling that kind of attack at five in the morning?
	They would literally shit their pants.
	They would diarrhea themselves if they went through a tenth of what Roger Stone has gone through.
	The guy's been totally bankrupted.
	He's had his life ripped apart, held at gunpoint for a typo.
	And they're like, what a pussy.
	He pretends it's harrowing.
	Try it.
	This is another thing that drives me nuts about the Shane Gillis thing.
	They go, cancel culture doesn't exist.
	He'll be fine.
	It's not a big deal.
	Oh, really?
	You try it, you pussy.
	You pussy on Patreon.
	Half of these people, these wimps who talk about everyone else being a baby, they have Patreon where they make 300 bucks a month.
	Like Vic Berger, he's sitting there canceling people's careers, doxing events where old Jewish men get beat up for being seen as a Nazi.
	And you go, what are you up to?
	I just have my hand out on Patreon.
	Please, please.
	And then the only thing more pathetic than that is not actually getting paid.
	He gets no money.
	But you can't wait to tell us what wimps we are for going through 100 times what you go through and surviving.
	And it's ironic because you're not surviving.
	Anyway.
	Speaking, I want to get into Brett Kavanaugh, but before we abandon Shane Gillis and all this stuff, I want to check out Lily Singh.
	Now, Lily Singh is a performer.
	She's got a new show, the It's Too Late or something show.
	And all of her jokes are about the fact that she's a Canadian bisexual Sikh and you have a problem with that.
	Like anyone's even heard of a Canadian bisexual Sikh.
	And as Ryan pointed out, isn't that cultural appropriation, her braids?
	So look at her whole shtick is about how you're freaked out to see me.
	Turn it on.
	Hey, Middle America.
	Some people at home are looking at their TVs just like, is something wrong with my TV?
	Why are they playing Slum Dog Millionaire after Seth Meyers?
	Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.
	Hey, Middle America, I'm so glad you're here.
	Look, I get it, okay?
	I'm not your traditional talk show host.
	I mean, the media has mentioned I'm a bisexual woman of color so much that I feel like I should just change my name.
	A little long, but it has a nice ring to it.
	We don't care about it.
	It's more than just a bisexual woman of color, okay?
	Pause.
	Someone needs to break it to gaze that we're not phobic.
	We're bored.
	We don't care.
	Oh, you fuck each other in the privacy of your own bedroom?
	I don't like drag queen story time.
	I don't like men flashing their dicks at kids at pride parades.
	But as far as you minding your own business, I don't care.
	As far as you having a show on at, what, one in the morning?
	Why would I give a shit?
	We all have about 1,200 channels now.
	Why would anyone give a flying fuck about your stupid shitty show?
	You loser.
	I chose a network whose logo is also the pride flag.
	Oh, what's that?
	It's actually a peacock?
	Oh, right.
	Okay, you mean the pretty.
	This isn't over-rehearsed, is it?
	This sucks.
	It's a school presentation.
	There's no naturalness to it whatsoever.
	This sucks.
	Couldn't she just memorize these bullet points and just talk?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Like I do?
	Right.
	Colorful feathers.
	Yeah, gay.
	Let's be real.
	Someone like me could not be here without the many successful, powerful women of color who led the way.
	Am I right?
	Women of color, woman of color, woman of color.
	Let's get a round of applause for people like Mindy Kaling.
	Why?
	Most like the sod whose brother pretended to be black to get into med school?
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	What about Michelle Obama?
	I love it.
	Oh, yeah, she's hilarious.
	Yeah.
	She really paved the way.
	And last but not least, sucking the president's dick.
	Listen, all three things that I could not fuck if I wanted to.
	I need role models, and my options were limited.
	But now that I'm in this position, I'm super excited to help pave the path.
	And as a woman, I'm especially stoked to join this group of people.
	Show the whole screen.
	Because I like this joke.
	Who am I going to borrow a hair tie from?
	Definitely Larry Wilmore.
	I mean, real talk.
	If you put every late night host in one room together, and then add me and Hassan Minaj, we look like the I.T. department at their law firm.
	Just pause.
	Speaking of diversity, all of those people, white and brown, have the exact same politics, feel the exact same way about healthcare, abortion, Trump, Hillary, people of color, homosexuality, drag queen story hour.
	You all have exactly the same politics.
	Yet you purport to love diversity.
	And speaking of diversity, you may want to look up the different cultures that you pretend you love.
	Hassan Minhaj is an Indian Muslim.
	This woman is a Sikh.
	Muslims Killed a million Sikhs.
	That's called genocide.
	Ethnic genocide.
	But we lumped them together because we're brown, because they're brown, because we don't know anything about culture, because we don't really like multiculturalism.
	The only diversity we like is diversity of restaurants and people serving us.
	And when it comes to where we live and the schools, all these fucking liberals demand that those areas are exclusively white.
	You want to see a liberal shit his pants about diversity?
	Rezone his kids' school and see how diverse he becomes.
	It's been tough for us.
	It's hard out here.
	All right, that's enough.
	That's enough.
	Bad.
	She does a game show later on in the show, and I want to do it with her and see if I can win.
	You want to cue that up?
	Sounds pretty badass, man.
	All right, we're going to go to the green screen studio next door and play a game with the Canadian bisexual Sikh that no one cares about.
	We'll see you next time.
	Oh, oh, oh, oh Bisexual Seek Lily Singh has a show.
	It's called A Little Late, and it's totally devoted to the fact that Lily Singh is not white.
	She goes over this again and again in every segment, in the opening monologue.
	It's real tedious if you're not Lily Singh, which is the majority of the population.
	This is a game segment.
	I haven't heard this yet, but I'm going to play along with the guest and Lily and see if we can have some fun on one of the least fun shows I've ever heard of.
	Hey, Lily.
	Oh, Rain Wilson.
	Hi, is now an okay time?
	Oh, hello, Rain Wilson.
	What are you doing here?
	This isn't rehearsed at all.
	Oh, my God.
	What are you doing here?
	Oh, man.
	I just wanted to stop by and congratulate you on all your success.
	I mean, God, her very own talk show.
	Just pause.
	Do you recognize her, by the way?
	She does these YouTube videos where she goes, hello, I am a Sikh.
	You need to get married.
	I am conservative.
	And then all the other Sikhs watch it.
	And Indians and Pakistanis and Bangladeshis and basically most East Asian brown people watching and go, oh my God, my mother's totally strict, too.
	That is her hackstick.
	And in the world of identity politics, that gets you a late-night show.
	Amazing.
	I also wanted to bring you a gift.
	Now, I know most people bring wine or flowers and things like that, but I wanted to bring you something really special.
	That is so sweet of you.
	Here you go.
	Thank you.
	But what is it?
	It is an official Rain Wilson white noise machine.
	I'm broadening my business horizons.
	Oh, cool.
	The white noise machine.
	It looks exactly like my real life machine.
	They make like calming noises, like rain and birds and things like that, right?
	Yeah, yeah, sort of.
	This one's a little bit different.
	Okay.
	Should we just try it?
	Yeah.
	Give it a try.
	Let's do it.
	Go ahead.
	What is that?
	Wait, stop.
	What is that white noise?
	I got to say, that sounds like rubber boots.
	It sounds like a dark, murky, kind of muddy, schloppy place.
	He sounds like he's schlepping.
	I'm going to say that's Chris Casatelli.
	He's a maintenance engineer at Water Tunnel Number Three.
	Here in New York, they're building a whole new waterway to ensure that New Yorkers always get safe and clean drinking water.
	They've been building this since 1970.
	It's a brutal job.
	I think about 24 men have died since they started the building of this tunnel.
	It will be done in this year.
	I think 2020, de Blasio said, is the deadline.
	So despite all these dozens of deaths, we will have a new waterway system to keep New Yorkers safe and healthy.
	Am I right?
	Lily and Rain.
	I don't recognize that sound.
	It's Birkenstocks.
	Oh.
	It's Birkenstocks walking across the floor of an REI to go buy a Patagonia jacket.
	It's a white noise machine.
	Incidentally, the maintenance engineers don't wear Patagonia in water tunnel number three.
	They wear thick, sort of like fireman jackets.
	It's very moist down there, and it's, of course, pitch black and incredibly dangerous.
	But Birkenstocks are also very white.
	So, I mean, we're both right in a sense.
	Okay.
	I got that.
	It's a white noise machine here.
	Now, now you're going to love this.
	Okay, let's try again.
	Okay.
	I don't know what that is.
	Okay, pause.
	What is that white noise?
	That sounds like a restaurant, and they're New Yorkers.
	This sounds like it could be a farm-to-table restaurant in Brooklyn.
	Maybe they're having brunch.
	And these farm-to-table restaurants are amazing because they're taking advantage of all the small farms in New York State.
	There's about 35,000 farms in New York State.
	And a lot of these are mom-and-pop-type small farms that are getting crushed by big agriculture.
	And that's relevant in a country like America where we have something like 300,000 obesity-related deaths a year.
	That's 800 a day.
	That's six times the opioid epidemic, which is also very white.
	But it's heartening to see small businesses support small farmers and not just push back on big agra, but push back on the obesity epidemic and promote healthy living.
	Of course, in East New York, you don't have this kind of thing.
	You've got a lot of fast food, and there's a brutal diabetes epidemic going on in the black community here in New York.
	And they could do with some farm-to-table eating.
	It's usually based on a health education.
	They don't have a health education.
	I don't think that has any merit, but that's their excuse for eating such shitty food.
	Anyway, let's see what it is.
	It's brunch at a farm-to-table restaurant in a quaint Brooklyn.
	They source amazing root vegetables and get this?
	Quail.
	No, that's really white.
	I'm sure they do.
	Very white quail as well as other healthy foods.
	I'm sure you do.
	Okay, let's try this one.
	Here we go.
	Oh, this one's kind of rough.
	All right, stop.
	What is that white noise?
	I got to be honest, that is a tough one.
	It sounds like some sort of salient solution maybe being used to check the conductivity of topological insulators.
	That could be at the Argonne National Laboratory.
	That's one of the top research labs in the country.
	It's just outside of Chicago.
	And they're doing a lot of work there with artificial intelligence and conductivity And biochemistry.
	And obviously, there's a lot of liquids used in this research.
	Is this Argonne National Laboratory Lillian Rain?
	Yeah, it's one of my favorites.
	Yeah.
	It's the sound of a homemade craft beer being poured into a pre-chilled imported beer stein.
	It's a white noise, my skin.
	Damn it.
	You know, just to pause, I should have known it was an entrepreneur who is fighting all these big corporate beers and having a locally made beer that supports the local economy and makes people money on a local level as opposed to sort of a globalist level.
	So once again, like the brunch, it's people supporting their local community.
	Should have known.
	All right, let's try this.
	Okay.
	I want to try another one.
	I want to try another one.
	Here we go.
	What is that?
	All right, pause.
	What is that white noise?
	That sounds like a body being dragged.
	Now, that makes me think it's, and it doesn't sound like someone is trying to hide something.
	So it could be one of these body farms.
	I think there's about five in the country.
	This sounds like the one at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville, University of Tennessee at Knoxville.
	And that sounds like Dr. John R. Sensich, who is the top criminological and forensic scientist in the field of body, whatever they're called, body farms.
	And what they do is they get people who have donated their bodies and they put them in various spots on these body farms and they watch them rot for forensic purposes.
	Cold weather, they rot slower.
	If it's humid, they rot faster.
	And this helps investigate murder and other auspicious wrongdoings.
	And these body farms have helped catch thousands of murderers, thousands of criminals, and save thousands of lives.
	So I hope this is one of the five body farms that criminological and forensic studies scientists are using to help protect us all.
	That is a sound of a white girl getting vacation braids the minute she lands in St. Thomas.
	Yeah, now of course that's the most white.
	I should have known that, that it was something in the Caribbean.
	Of course, the Caribbean relies almost exclusively on tourism for their economy.
	I think the Caribbean received $49 billion last year from tourism.
	And these locals who braid hair would, of course, be destitute without this industry.
	Should have thought of that.
	Let's do the next one.
	Let's do it.
	Here we go.
	Here we go.
	Stop.
	What is that white noise?
	This is a tough one, but it sounds like Clippers.
	It could be a child at the Hassenfield Children's Laboratory at the NYU Hospital who is undergoing chemo, and they want to just shave her head immediately so it doesn't slowly fall out.
	This could be a child who was born with a hole in her heart where surgeons replace the hole in her heart or they can do an entire heart transplant.
	Sometimes they can fix the baby's injured heart.
	And then after she recovers from that, if she has leukemia, they could treat her with chemo.
	And despite cancer devastating people my age and up, the success rates with treating children with cancer are actually pretty good.
	So fingers crossed, that young girl getting her head shaved will probably live.
	That is a sound of someone getting a tattoo of a Japanese character on their wrist that they think means peace, but actually means broken dishwasher.
	That's super wild.
	I'm sorry.
	I didn't realize that it was a white person enjoying someone else's culture and having it permanently tattooed on their body as an homage to Asian culture.
	Sorry about that.
	Friend Becky got a tattoo that she thought said love.
	What are you doing?
	Becky and chat.
	That's so Becky.
	Hold on, come on, one more.
	One more, one more.
	Okay.
	Here we go.
	Overwritten it all.
	Just pause.
	What is that white noise?
	That might be an old white noise.
	Not all these are current, so that could be the south side of Chicago maybe 10 years ago where the police would investigate murders and try to stop shootings.
	The locals made it very clear they hate the pigs.
	All cops are bastards.
	And they have told the police they'd rather police themselves.
	They don't want cops in their hood.
	Cops are dangerous.
	Since then, of course, shootings have skyrocketed.
	I think there was one weekend in August, in early August, August 9th, where there was 46 victims of shootings.
	I don't mean 46 shootings, because you don't get a person every bullet, but 46 actual bullets in a person in one weekend.
	Two separate mass shootings.
	Didn't make the news, of course.
	And hospitals were turned away.
	They were, sorry, hospitals were turning people away, you know, like triage, like in the Vietnam War, where you can't treat everyone at once.
	So there was people dying outside of hospitals.
	So the sound that you'd probably hear now instead of that police siren would be And that's just the that actually hit a guy.
	There's probably another maybe three times that You get the idea.
	Let's see if I'm right That's a siren.
	Yeah, it's the police.
	The police are here to protect us.
	So everyone knows everything is gonna be okay when the police show up.
	So I listen to that.
	I just feel so soothed, you know?
	I don't think everyone feels that way.
	If there's one group that feels unsafe around police, it is bisexual Canadian Sikhs.
	The amount of shootings of innocent bisexual Canadian Sikhs from these racist police is almost in the ones.
	No?
	Really?
	So what do you think?
	What do you think?
	I mean, well, it's definitely the whitest noise I've ever heard.
	Are there any other stuff?
	You said it, girl.
	One more good one.
	Sikhs are black.
	Yeah, it's my favorite.
	just puzzle.
	Oh, we gave it away.
	We don't have, we didn't make, we weren't able to guess that.
	But it's cool to see that Rain is calling himself white noise because he's been sitting here cucking himself for the entire show.
	So it's cool that he stopped fooling around and got right down to it and said, Yeah, I suck too.
	And you're right, Rain.
	You do fucking suck.
	I said...
	You know what we haven't discussed is Brett Kavanaugh.
	Skiss Skiss Skiss Skiss you
	Be my tiny baby.
	It's just a little change.
	It makes it so much more sweet.
	Corny, I want to fuck you.
	I wish you were my baby.
	Yeah, I've thought about that, and that's not cool, right?
	In South Africa, they believe that if you have sex with a virgin, it can cure AIDS.
	And lightning.
	It can cure CEDA.
	So the only guarantee you have of virginity is a baby.
	So in South Africa, they will fuck babies in order to cure AIDS.
	South Africa or regular Africa?
	South Africa.
	Oh, boy.
	The rape capital of the world.
	Oh, oh, that's not cool.
	You don't hear that in the mainstream media, of course, because it's too fucking gross.
	So yeah, Brett Kavanaugh, I was listening to Howard Stern.
	Actually, maybe I can send you this video.
	Because it's too fucking gross.
	It's plain and simple.
	I mean, yeah.
	Yeah.
	Probably why.
	Can I email it to you?
	This is Tom Brokhov, but this story is too fucking gross.
	Coming up next on 60 Minutes.
	It's a story about Ray.
	Actually, this is too fucking gross.
	So I'm listening to Howard Stern yesterday or two days ago in the car.
	I texted you this.
	Oh, fudge.
	And he can't, he loves the New York Times.
	And if you criticize it, you're an idiot.
	If you don't believe the New York Times, what do you trust?
	He says, Robin.
	And I'm always in the car going, check out the book Gray Lady Down, Howard, by Bill McGowan.
	Check out the book Coloring the News, also by Bill McGowan.
	The ineptitude of the New York Times has been well documented, including by their own ombudsman.
	Their own ombudsman noticed that they have a severe bias.
	They are a fucking joke.
	But when I heard, so they did the Brett Kavanaugh thing over the weekend, and on the off chance you're not familiar with it, Brett Kavanaugh said that if he was up to sexual escapades at his college, everyone would know about it.
	It would be the talk of the college.
	He was a well-known guy.
	Why wasn't it the talk of the college?
	And they go, well, it was.
	We found a lot of people talking about you putting your penis in a woman's hand.
	By the way, I know this sounds terrible, but out of all the parties I've been to and the shit we would get up to, that's not really that crazy.
	It's a little softcore.
	Yeah, like we would streak and there'd be people fucking in front of us.
	And Ryan McGinley came out once with jizz all over his face from his boyfriend.
	Oh, he's a guy.
	I remember he was, there's a picture of Ryan.
	He's gay.
	He was snorting Coke off of this graffiti artist's ear snot, snorting Coke off his cock.
	So it's a brown penis with a white line and Ryan snorting Coke off it.
	That was a normal party when I was a youngster.
	I call that a zebra.
	You want to hear a crazy story about that?
	So the story of that photo became me passed out at a party and a black dude filleting me and doing Coke off my dick.
	Jeez.
	So there's this dude, Tail Kim, this weird Korean dude that was sort of stalking me, an ex-Marine.
	And he decided that he was going to blackmail me.
	I'm the worst person in the world to blackmail, by the way.
	I'm an open book.
	It's all out there.
	He decided he was going to blackmail me.
	So he tried to get me to pay him to not publicize the photo, right?
	But get this.
	He doesn't have the photo.
	It doesn't exist.
	He was trying to get blackmail money before having the smoking gun.
	And then I saw him on some other chat soliciting the photo.
	So he thought, before, I'll get the photo later.
	I know it exists.
	So I'll just get the money first and then I'll find the evidence later.
	What an absolute imbecile.
	So I just put out a thing.
	I can't remember if it was on Twitter or where I put it, but I said, hey, man, someone's trying to blackmail me with this photo.
	What should I do?
	And I just described the photo and killed the story.
	Oh, I see.
	But anyway, so the New York Times puts out an article saying that it was a big story.
	They left, of course, it was two women who wrote this book about Brett Kavanaugh and his sexual escapades.
	And none of them, I'm sorry, but none of them sound that bad to me.
	Like there's even when you take their side of the story, you don't really hear a woman lying down going, no, no, get off of me.
	It's like just kind of nice.
	And he was nude and he farted.
	And then someone hit someone in the head with a dick.
	Jeez.
	Like, we used to do that all the time.
	This is nerd tattletaling.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	We, like, we, at one party, and I put this in Vice magazine, we cut a guy's tumor out of his head.
	He had a big tumor on his neck.
	And with an X-Acto knife, we cut it open and scooped it out.
	Now, that's a story.
	Yeah.
	People do life-threatening makeshift surgery.
	I don't know.
	Terry Richardson had a bachelor party where everyone was on heroin.
	And one guy showed up and there's prostitutes everywhere.
	Like, sorry, three prostitutes and eight, not dead, but basically dead guys.
	Smacked out of their minds.
	So he had a party on their bodies, like a scene out of a war movie.
	He's just sitting on guys, like bodies, and they're doing Coke, and they're partying and getting wasted.
	He's having sex with these women and they're holding on to a guy who's just using him as furniture.
	That's a crazy party.
	Hell yeah, brother.
	Hell yeah, bro.
	Anyway, the New York Times, Howard Stern's beloved New York Times, do you have that video of me listening to the radio?
	Crop it low.
	Wait, wait, wait.
	Crop it low?
	Crop the top of it off.
	Okay.
	Because I don't want people to see.
	Do we need the visual element?
	Well, if you go low on the picture, just crop the whole top of it off.
	Gotcha.
	This is what we're looking at.
	Yeah, that should work.
	I don't know that that investigation would ruin that.
	Just crop lower.
	Fuck, you're dumb.
	Do we need to look at a radio grill?
	forward was ever handled properly it just was like a railroaded kind of thing like They just voted him right through.
	I don't know.
	So just pause.
	So Howard's turn is being confronted with the fact that he was wrong about Brett Kavanaugh and he's wrong about the New York Times.
	And he goes, I don't know.
	That whole thing, I mean, it just seemed like they railroaded him right through.
	What?
	They had a whole kangaroo court trial about Blaisey Ford.
	She sat there crying.
	Kavanaugh explained himself.
	I like beer.
	I still like beer.
	Right.
	We went through all of this, and it was a baseless accusation.
	It's not how court works.
	But we did it anyway, just for you.
	You don't know, Howard?
	I think this is just murky, you know, muddying up the water.
	Yeah, it's murky.
	It's not really coming to any conclusion.
	It's so muddy.
	If Justice Kavanaugh were just wearing an untucked shirt, then his past would be.
	Get back to your sponsors, you fucking phony.
	What did I call him?
	You fucking phony.
	Yeah, so he says if Bette Kavanaugh was just wearing an untucked shirt, that's one of his big sponsors on his show.
	So I heard of good shirts.
	If you're a loser.
	So this is ancient news now on Tuesday, but just for the record, we have to get this on there.
	An earlier version of this article, which was adopted from a forthcoming book, did not include one element of...
	So the woman who got the penis in her hand, she goes, I don't really remember that.
	And then they talked to her friends, penis in her hand?
	I don't know what you're talking about.
	So either it never happened or it was so irrelevant, it didn't register in anyone's mind, except for some guys way over here.
	And don't turn that into Ezekiel.
	So the New York Times, your coveted New York Times, Howard Stern, was forced to say an earlier version of this article, which was adapted from a forthcoming book, did not include one element of the book's account regarding an assertion by a Yale classmate that friends of Brett Kavanaugh pushed his penis into the hand of a female student at a drunken dorm party.
	Is that really the end of the world?
	The book reports that the female student declined to be interviewed, and friends say that she does not recall the incident.
	minor detail.
	Thank you.
	Is that how big the detail is?
	Got to get the focus.
	Oh.
	Almost.
	Gotta pull back a little bit, I think.
	Yep.
	Alright, we got focus.
	Minor detail.
	And Hollywood is still running with it.
	They want him impeached.
	I didn't know you could impeach a Supreme Court judge.
	Did you know that?
	No.
	I guess you couldn't.
	So the crazy thing with the left is that they see these facts and they just go, they're like a snowplow.
	They just plow right through it.
	And Hollywood goes after Brett Kavanaugh.
	Show the fucking article, Ryan.
	What are you doing?
	Sizing it up so I can put over shoulder.
	Look at the monitor.
	Looks cool.
	Another thing we haven't Oh, yeah.
	Here's another thing that we haven't covered.
	I have a very unpopular opinion I'm about to hit you with, and you may not, you may want to unsubscribe after I say this.
	You ready for this?
	Felicity Huffman is facing 14 days in prison.
	Why?
	What was the crime?
	Fraud?
	I don't understand this case.
	I don't understand what she did wrong.
	I understand what she did wrong ethically.
	I understand that the school fucked up.
	But why is she, what crime, what specific crime did she commit?
	Now, they always use this example of this black woman who went to jail for five years or something, or at least she was sentenced to that for lying about her school district and saying her kids lived here so they could go to this good school.
	That's fucked up that she went to jail for that.
	That's ridiculous.
	But I understand that crime.
	Public school is a right, and this right is designated by where you live, what communities you're in.
	If you lie about that, then you are committing fraud about a service that's a right.
	It's like stealing water or electricity from some other part you don't live in.
	I think it should be a $10 fine or some bullshit.
	Don't get me wrong.
	I don't like the idea of this woman in prison.
	But at least I get that mentality.
	I can see what the crime was.
	This is a private institution.
	It's a club.
	And the club diluted their brand by allowing for bribes.
	That's not illegal.
	That's just stupid.
	For example, the Proud Boys.
	They have a thing where the first degree is you declare that you're a Western chauvinist who refuses to apologize for creating the modern world, right?
	Second degree, you get beat up until you can name five breakfast cereals.
	Very sinister, very serious.
	There couldn't possibly be an element of humor to that.
	And I guess third degree is you get a tattoo, or is that second degree?
	That's third.
	That's third, right?
	Now, if word got out that Proud Boys were declared third degree and they hadn't done any of those degrees, that's exactly the same scenario.
	To be in the club Proud Boys isn't your right.
	To go to a fancy private school, a university, is not your right.
	Now, the club, the brand, the institution is diluting themselves when they accept bribes and give out freebies for people who don't deserve them, but that's the brand ruining itself.
	It's not an illegal crime.
	I don't like a world where rich people get into all these fancy universities, but as someone who goes to the university, you go, that's not a good university anymore.
	They cheat.
	So my degree is worthless.
	In fact, I would argue that someone with a degree from that school, they'd have a great class action suit against the school to sue them and say, you sold me this degree that said it's about me completing this on my own merit, yet you're giving it away for free to those people.
	You just ruined this piece of paper.
	That I get, but that again is a civil lawsuit.
	It's not breaking a law.
	Looming over Ms. Huffman's sentencing were questions about fairness.
	Yeah, it wasn't fair what happened.
	And whether she and the other mostly white parents, of course they have to add white in the New York Times.
	Wait, why did that appear there?
	Isn't it funny that her husband in that picture, which you're not showing for some reason, is the star of the show Shameless?
	Yeah, yeah.
	White, white, white-ity, white parents in the case would be treated more leniently than poor or non-white defendants accused of educational fraud.
	No, my point is it's different.
	Public school is a right.
	That's a different type of educational fraud.
	This woman just cheated her way into a club, like a country club.
	Rich country clubs charge anywhere from $3,000 to $40,000 to $100,000 to join.
	If you found out that there was two people at the country club that got in for five bucks, you go, hey, that's not fair.
	This country club fucks around.
	It fucks over people.
	I don't like it here anymore.
	It's an unethical place.
	But how is that illegal?
	Is this a good analogy?
	A guy goes into a bodega and gets bubblegum lower than retail price, and then he gets in trouble instead of the place that sold it to him below retail.
	We'll be right back.
	No, that's different.
	Because you're now, well, I guess it's the same in that you're being fraudulent to everyone who's ever bought gum there.
	Yes.
	But I don't even think the university should be criminally prosecuted.
	They should be sued by everyone who has a degree from there.
	The issues were emerging in a case that has been seeped with questions of inequity and well-to-do parents' effort not to just guard their advantages, but to grab more.
	All right.
	So anyway, I know that you don't like me saying this, and I sympathize with your disdain for my opinion.
	And I'm not on the side of Felicity Huffman.
	Don't get me wrong.
	I know she hates me.
	I know I'd hate her.
	I just don't understand how we keep inventing these kangaroo courts.
	This is sort of like the Me Too thing.
	We have laws.
	They go back to the Magna Carta.
	Just because you don't like someone, just because they're doing dirty, immoral things, it's really none of your business if it doesn't break the law.
	Yes, this arguably hurts people who worked hard at those schools.
	Those people have a great case.
	The rest of us, I don't know, 14 years in jail?
	And again, this is totally different with public education.
	Anyway, I can feel myself boring you.
	I wanted to talk about James Corden and fat shaming.
	I wanted to talk about school shootings.
	I want to talk about why little kids have stuffed animals.
	We'll have to do that tomorrow because we need to get to the mailbag.
	I love the mailbag, by the way.
	Before we continue, I also love the mailbag.
	Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
	Let's turn our price to Gavin's mailbag.
	Let me touch it.
	This letter from Robert Kern.
	That should be in your notes, by the way.
	Hey, Gav, you've mentioned your top Trump moments, and I have to ask, how does this not make the list?
	He physically pushes aside other world leaders to make sure he's in view of the cameras.
	Thank you for your letter, Robert.
	This is a great point.
	Let's enjoy this clip together as a group.
	Yeah, I don't like being in the back.
	Excuse me.
	Make way.
	There we go.
	Wait, did she put out her hand for a handshake and he didn't do it?
	Let's see.
	Move it.
	Move it.
	And I've arrived.
	Hi, how are you?
	You're a loser.
	You're a loser.
	I'll point at you.
	I'll point.
	Not going to shake your hand, frankly.
	We should watch that in slow motion.
	Okay.
	Because the jacket adjustment is that of a G, I believe we should say.
	If there was a letter, it would be the letter G. An OG.
	All right, this sucks.
	What am I behind all these fucking European cocks for?
	Excuse me, pal.
	Bye-bye.
	Yep.
	And I'm at the front now.
	Oh, we've arrived.
	Boom.
	Hi, Mr. Trump.
	I'm from like Brussels or something.
	You are fake news.
	You're a fake country.
	Your country stinks.
	You're a fake union.
	I'm for Brexit.
	Move it.
	Yeah, that's awesome.
	That is great.
	I think you misunderstood.
	My top Trump moments.
	I don't remember saying my top Trump moments.
	I said what brought me over to his side was when he was talking about anchor babies and they said, what should I say?
	And he said, undocumented citizens of the workers who are born here as naturalized citizens.
	And he goes, that takes too long.
	I'm going to say anchor babies.
	That's what made me fall in love with him.
	After that, it was all gravy.
	Like that scene with Justin Trudeau when he's putting his little notebook away into his briefcase and he sees Trump and Trump's like, hey, Fag.
	And then you see sort of Justin go, oh, okay, I guess I'll continue putting my little moleskin books back away into my case.
	It's really about it for a rebel.
	Yeah, it's like some summit.
	He did another really embarrassing one where he got iced out by some, like a different leader.
	There's a newer one.
	I guess that just happens.
	Well, he's a cuck.
	He's abroad.
	All right, next letter.
	Daniqua.
	Our only female black viewer.
	That's not true.
	Yo, Gavin, what's up?
	Since the left has gone off the rails and labels everyone they disagree with as racist, fascist, or Nazi, I feel like actual hate groups aren't getting any attention.
	I was wondering if you ever feel a bit worried that actual hate groups are able to fly under the radar in this new political climate, allowing them to grow and flourish.
	I feel like this is an issue or a potential issue that has gone unaddressed in all of the them versus us tribalism that we currently see, especially when actual hate groups like violent race-based gangs of any denomination are now able to operate theoretically uncriticized because MSN is fringe-left and only focuses on their political enemies.
	Thanks.
	Chanel.
	Okay, not Daniqua.
	I guess she made up a fake email.
	Yes.
	Bonafide hate groups are allowed to quote-unquote flourish in the environment we are in because we're focused on fake Nazis like myself.
	But those groups are inconsequential.
	We have one death from Heather Heyer after an autistic lunatic named James Field was spooked by Antifa with guns.
	What else do we got?
	The Aryan Brotherhood?
	Aryan Brotherhood, do they do anything outside of prison?
	I don't want to disparage Aryan Brotherhood.
	Please don't kill me.
	But I assume they just sell drugs and are a gang that protects white guys in prison.
	What are these other groups going to do?
	If you're looking for racial violence that's getting ignored, how about the Hispanic War on Blacks going on in South Central where Molotov cocktails are being thrown into black people's homes in Compton by Mexican gang members in order to cleanse the neighborhood of the Negro?
	There is a race war going on in Southern California and the media is totally ignoring it.
	The only person I've ever seen report on it is Ryan Gerdeski at Red Alert Politics.
	If you look up Ryan Gerdesky, Red Alert, and then Molotov, it'll come up.
	And it's basically the only place I've ever seen it.
	We should get Ryan Gurdesky on the show again.
	And there was one black girl just riding her skateboard in South Central.
	They shot her in the head, killed her dead, solely because of her race.
	Why are you pulling up every article that Ryan's ever written?
	It says, I clicked on a link that says race-based murder in America.
	Blacks are being targeted.
	And then it brings me to some bullshit.
	Oh.
	Yeah.
	Maybe it's deleted.
	That would be weird.
	It is a really old article, though.
	Probably goes back five years now.
	I think it's spooky.
	So your point is true, but irrelevant, my dear.
	These actual Nazi groups, they don't do anything.
	They don't exist.
	You're looking for anti-Semitism?
	Check in on Islam.
	Check in on Linda Sarsour.
	Check out on Ilhan Omar, who trivializes 9-11.
	You want to see Jews being chased out of their neighborhoods?
	Go to northern Paris.
	Wear a yarmulke in northern Paris if you're looking for anti-Semitism in the Western world.
	Yes, these Nazis can flourish, but that's like saying an ant is able to flourish.
	It's not a thing.
	All right.
	last letter uh...
	This guy says, his name is PJR.
	You are wet.
	You're spelled wrong.
	You're wet in the brain for not playing the Pastels Speeding Motorcycle.
	You Scott Trader.
	I presume this is a Scottish gentleman.
	Oh, the Pastels are from Glasgow.
	That's why he's calling me a Scottish trader.
	The Pastels covered Daniel Johnson's speeding motorcycle.
	It doesn't blow me away.
	I prefer Yola Tango's, but let's hear it.
	While Ryan looks up pictures of yes, there's a link.
	It's in the notes for the mailbag.
	Speedway?
	They don't sound Westwegian, do they?
	They sound cool.
	They sound like the dead milkmen.
	You know when they go in bitching Camaro, where he goes, I got my Camaro down at the shore.
	In Bahamas.
	Oh, you're kidding?
	I must be.
	Bahamas or Islands.
	That's how they talk.
	Turn it up?
	Did you want to hear that other?
	No!
	Dead Milkman.
	Okay.
	You know what is a great pastel's jam?
	You know this?
	Look up the song Different Drummer by Linda Ronstadt.
	You and I, I'm between the men of a different...
	It's a girl dumping a guy where she goes, no, Linda Ronstadt.
	Linda Ronstadt.
	Linda Ronstadt.
	We'll both live a lot longer.
	If I live without you.
	It's a beautiful song about a guy about getting dumped.
	Linda Ronstadt's in the Stone Ponies?
	I don't know.
	Is it Different Drummer is the song?
	Yeah, there we go.
	You and I come to the beat of a different drum.
	Oh, can you tell by the way I run every time you play?
	If the girl ever made me a mixtape, this would be the first song.
	See the focus for the tree.
	You know who dated her?
	Gavin Newsom.
	No, no, no.
	Maybe it was Jerry Brown, Governor of California.
	Yeah, let me dream, man.
	I'm not fucking for a boy who wants to love only me.
	Yes, and I ain't saying you ain't pretty.
	I'm just.
	Just saying I'm not ready for any person.
	A lot of famous Aaron Neville Gross.
	Jim Carrey?
	Fuck.
	Yeah, Jerry Brown.
	I am Governor Jerry Brown.
	Okay, so the reason I played you that, so you'd be familiar with the song.
	And I don't, covers rarely do a better job, but I think the pastels, they're so nihilistic and heroine-y and sad that I think they did a really good job of this.
	They stole the girl.
	And they have their annoying surf guy voice.
	You and I travel to the beat of a different drum.
	Can't you tell by the way I run?
	Every time you make eyes at me Good for mixtapes.
	Do kids still make mixtapes difficult?
	Like the playlist in Spotify?
	No.
	Well, I don't know.
	But I used to.
	I've got my dad who can't see the forest for the trees.
	Wenda also dated Steve Martin.
	Oh, my brain also dated Kare.
	And they broke up.
	Alright, that's enough.
	It's like pop-up video, but has nothing to do with the song.
	Let's end with a woman diarrheaing on the carpet.
	So Gordon Ramsey has a new show.
	I think he looks at hotels now.
	I don't quite understand.
	Or maybe inns, bed and breakfasts.
	But he has a shit meter that registers how gross something is.
	I'd hate him to wave it over this show because I'm worried the rating would be really high.
	So he goes to, I guess, a witch's house, and he analyzes their carpets, and they have...
	Why are we learning so much about your job?
	He notices they have an 800-4 disgusting reading on his Grosometer.
	And so they're trying to figure out why is this hotel so gross?
	Hotel Hell, it's called.
	And Gordon Ramsey checks out your hotel.
	How are we doing here?
	Probably because there's crap on the hotel.
	Wait, go back.
	Stop, stop, stop.
	You're way too far.
	Go back like 30 seconds.
	Yeah, that's his middle shit meter.
	It can't be that bad.
	We get a lot of bikers, bicyclists and hikers.
	You're paying $130 to get out of bed and step on a disgusting, stinking carpet.
	It smells like there's crap all over the floor.
	Probably because there's crap on the floor.
	Probably could be.
	What does that mean?
	Could be.
	My first shift here, you were in the bathroom, and I think you had an accident on the floor, on the mat.
	Oh, my God.
	I mean, yeah.
	There have been times when I have had diarrhea, but it doesn't happen very often.
	No, I didn't realize that there was that problem.
	All right, that's enough.
	By the way, if you're ever confessing to diarrhea and to diarrhea on your hotel floor, make sure that you add a word right after.
	Like, well, sometimes I have diarrhea, but I never get it on the floor.
	Or, you know, sometimes I have diarrhea, but there's a lot of things in the Brett Kavanaugh story they forgot.
	Or sometimes I have diarrhea, but sometimes I don't.
	Sometimes I'm a wonderful person with a perfectly clean back side.
	Make sure this stuff, it's, you'll notice in comedy they do it where they go, blah, blah, blah.
	And they're sourcing out starbursts for their friends.
	Yeah.
	You know, you got to get away from it.
	Yeah.
	And sometimes I have diarrhea.

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