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Aug. 13, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:18:11
S02E49 - KNOCKOUT
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Time Text
Oh, live from New York.
It's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McGuinness.
I'm undefined.
I'm just beginning.
The pens in my hand.
Ending on the staring at the you know, music is a very powerful thing.
And the fact that you like that song makes me hate you.
It brings that emotion.
And love is a powerful emotion.
Hate is just love in reverse.
So that song creates hate.
It makes me hate your fucking guts.
It makes you love me, though, because love is a hate.
No.
Love's the opposite of hate.
They're one and the same.
Nope.
You feel strongly.
They are literally the opposite.
I don't know how many times I have to say that.
You feel strongly.
And when I heard this song, I said, I bet Ryan likes that song.
And you start singing it.
Like, who the fuck is that?
How dare you even know who that is?
Natasha Bettingfield, she came out with a song called Turn the Page.
I forget, but it was a jam.
Oh, these words are my own.
Oh, let's put on that jam.
So that was just her shitty song.
Yeah.
Now let's hear her rock and see now you're getting it.
Natasha Bettingfield, these words.
And when she came out on the scene, you know, dudes was like, what?
This girl's not going to be able to do it.
Leave the scene.
What is it?
She's new country?
These words are mine.
She has an accent, so people are like, oh, man.
What's her accent?
British.
You are sub-gay.
You love sassy girl music.
You know what this music is for?
It's for women who got dumped, who are trying to get back on their feet.
And you're right there next to them going, come on, sisters, we can do it.
No, this is an artist.
Stella got her groove back.
She's talking about writing music.
She's like, I'm trying to write some stuff here.
You know, like, these words, they're mine.
It has nothing to do with love and waste bins full of paper.
I'm telling you, the girls who listen to this just got a sassy short haircut.
And they're like, I don't need him.
It's good.
I love you.
I love you.
This is why we need dads, guys.
Because when you don't have a dad, you listen to women's music and you probably like songs like, I'm a redneck woman.
I ain't no high class broad.
I'm a product of my raisin.
I say, hey, yeah, and yee-ha.
Right?
Is that a song?
Yeah, it's right up your alley.
Did you just make that up?
No, Redneck Woman.
Yeah, it's a classic Ryan song.
I am Woman, Hear Me Roar.
There's a lot of them.
I like, you know.
Feel like a woman.
Bamp, bam, bam, bang.
Oh, you love that too.
I bet if I ever introduced you to Brad Pitt, you'd go, so you're Brad Pitt.
That don't impress me much and walk away all sassy.
No, I wouldn't steal your bit.
That's your bit.
I didn't work on my hair very much today, did I?
Looks like you put a lot of work into it to make it look not so great.
I wanted it to look like the movie poster for a scary film about demons in the forest.
So let me get my notes here.
Note.
Notes.
We'll play you some walkover music.
I'm wearing a boxing shirt because we're going to talk about knockouts.
I've never knocked anyone out.
I've been knocked out.
And I'm kind of, I watch them with intense fascination.
And when we're watching a match, aren't we always sort of hoping for a knockout?
Right?
It's sort of like when you're walking down the street and you hear cars go, eh, you're kind of going, come on, I want to hear a bang.
I want to.
And when it's just a bunch of body shots and stuff, you go, that was interesting, but 12 rounds, meh, it's borderline affectionate if there's no knockout.
But the reason I played that song is to tell you some old news.
If you are, you have your finger on the pulse of weirdo funny culture, then you're familiar with Chad Goes Deep.
This show is not vice.
I'm 49 now.
I no longer break stories.
So the cool kids are very familiar with Chad Goes Deep.
But us old folks are just learning about them now.
And these are two party bros who live in LA and they regularly go to community hall meetings and suggest ridiculous shit just to annoy everyone.
And I think it's a great example of what a farce these are.
But before you go there, can you pull up, this just happened, the guys doing the Straight Pride Parade, they just called themselves racist by accident.
It's not on my notes.
I said it just came up.
Work with me here.
You know, I was saying earlier before we were on the air that when I work with Ryan, it feels like, was it Kathie Lee Giffords who got shot in the head?
And then they pulled her back up on stage and she's sort of like, hi, I hate guns.
And they go, see, even people who get shot hate guns.
And they're really rational.
But I feel like Ryan was in a brutal car accident and he has part of his head shaved with a big cesarean scar here.
And they said, he can never work again.
He's useless.
He's Terry Shaivo, but Japanese and Puerto Rican.
And I said, no, in the hospital.
And I said, he can still work a job.
And then I put him in a chair and he's like, hi.
Hi.
And I say, it's a new thing.
It just happened.
And then he's like, is it in my notes?
No, no, it's new.
Oh, okay.
Maybe it's in one of the tabs that's already opened.
No, no, no.
It's a new thing, buddy.
Come on.
He's like, hey, I did it.
But there's a commercial first.
Yep, so let the commercial play out.
I'll talk.
I'll keep them engaged.
And then you get the clip up.
I might have to talk for maybe five minutes.
And you might pull it up when the ad's still playing.
All right, this just happened.
I don't hear volume, though.
Classic lie guys.
Why is there no Volume, dude.
That's a great question.
And don't abbreviate things when you're fucking up.
Why wouldn't you just look at Twitter?
It's all over Twitter.
Shall I just send you the text?
Is that what's easiest for you?
Geez, we're not off to a great start here, are we?
Reddit would have been better than Google.
Here, let's get on.
Look how fast I am.
You're making yourself redundant, by the way.
So these are the guys doing the Straight Pride Parade.
And remember, I was talking last week about how they're obsessed with our typos.
They're so consumed that they'll find some typo.
Like, I think, what was it?
Some guy on Fox Morning said, and we just, we're into the color, sorry, the culture of the country.
And everyone went, oh, you slipped up.
You said color because you're racist.
No, they're similar sounding words.
So this is the latest hull of blue.
This is the latest victory for the left, where white supremacist admits, lets it slip, that he's racist.
Check this out.
You're going to turn right around and say, well, we've deserved it.
We haven't done anything.
We're a totally peaceful racist group.
He fucked up.
He's nervous.
Obviously, he's being called racist repeatedly.
And he, instead of saying non-racist, he accidentally said racist.
And that's a huge victory for them.
Look, yay!
We got our typo.
That's kind of a fun moment.
Yeah, it's humorous.
I like when they're able to laugh.
No, no, no.
It's all lefties laughing.
I know, but that's...
Just to get any sort of laugh from them at all.
But I'm even getting texts from people on the right going, oh, those guys were stupid anyway, that they fucked up really bad.
No, they didn't fuck up really bad.
Yeah, what?
It's just a stupid typo.
It's funny.
I probably would have laughed if I was there.
But this is clearly not a victory.
And okay, you want to play that game?
You want to talk gaffes?
Okay, then everyone has to live by this perfect Jesus image where you're not allowed to do anything.
Check out Joe Biden the other day.
I think it was yesterday actually, where he said, poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.
That is so bad.
That is so bad.
These students.
We should challenge students in these schools to have advanced placement programs in these schools.
We have this notion that somehow if you're poor, you cannot do it.
Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.
Wealthy kids.
Black kids.
Uh-oh.
Okay.
So that's funny.
It's a gaffe.
But it's not a victory for the right.
Wait.
They're at the Asian and Latino coalition?
I didn't even know that existed.
That's me.
Oh, yeah.
What the fuck?
I've never seen that before.
Yeah.
You are an Asian and Latino coalition.
Asian and Latino collided and made you.
I should have been an Asian and Latino abortion.
I should have been an Asian and Latino abortion.
It's a very difficult abortion.
That's his second gaffe, by the way, where he recently said the DNC Democrats are more concerned with truth than facts.
Now, we're going to let those slide because we're not grammar Nazis.
But, Joe, if these keep piling up, like that guy said racist by accident once, the Fox News guy said color instead of culture once.
If you start getting to like George W. Bush levels of fucking up the English language, we're going to start calling you senile.
And that's kind of your Achilles heel.
Anyway, let's get back to Chad Goes Deep.
So these are two dudes that you know about if you're cool, but you don't if you're old like me.
And they're just fucking awesome human beings.
Chad Kroger and what is it?
JT Parr.
And they go to town hall meetings and they do things like this.
This happens.
Fireworks, hot dogs, and Bud Heavies.
Go back to the beginning, obviously.
Yeah, what up, Council?
My name is Chad Kroger.
As most of you already know, 4th of July is my favorite holiday.
Fireworks, hot dogs, and Bud Heavies.
Like everyone before, this 4th of July was epic.
And to paint a painting for you, I started the day by sinking a no rebuttal on the beer pong table with my girlfriend at 7 a.m.
In my blazing chat, just remember, just like we told you the last time you were here, and we do remember you here.
Make sure that it is about things coming before our council.
I think they're so bored that they tolerate this.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're going to get that.
We're going to get into it.
I'm just trying to paint the whole in my Blazing Eagle kimono.
Everyone should do that.
I've honestly been a different human ever since.
What's a Blazing Eagle kimono?
Blazing Eagle kimono?
I'm guessing it's a kimono with patriotic symbolism strewn about.
Earthquake happened, but I refused to let it shake me.
Pun.
It was the best day of my life, and the intimate things I said to my GF after cannot be shared.
Which brings me to a larger issue.
Why does the USA have so few party holidays?
It doesn't make sense.
I am ready to rage every day, so why does my country afford me so little opportunity?
Memorial Day is legit, but for doing SEAL team workouts.
Respect the troops.
Kellen tried to make flagships.
Nothing above him there.
Oh, he's scratching his arm.
What happened to us, Council?
America built the 4th of July holiday around raging, and I bet the founding fathers used to celebrate the 4th 47 times a year, one for each state.
That's why the Four Fathers threw tea in the harbor to make room for more kegs.
Are we getting there?
Yeah.
Have you heard of England?
This goes on and on.
Oh, wait, that's a pretty good one.
Have you heard of England?
Sorry, I cut it too soon.
He said that?
have you heard of England?
They have this queen there who celebrates They have this queen there who celebrates her birthday twice, once on her birthday in April, and again in June, because April in England is not conducive for tanning.
So I propose that we declare a second Independence Day on the 2nd of July, the day of the movie Independence Day, with Will Smith and Jeff Gubbloom came out.
The day President Bill Pullman said in one loud voice, We will not go quietly into the night, dudes.
Thank you.
Oh, I thought I was going to cut that short, but there's nowhere to cut.
Yeah, that's perfect.
And keep going, it gets better.
So that was Chad Kroger.
Then JT Parr gets on the mic.
Thank you.
And I recognize that from last night, or last time.
So please make sure that it has to do with the city.
We're all here.
Thank you.
My dogs.
I also want to say that I think Chad just killed it.
He's very right that we need another holiday badly, and it should most definitely be an extra 4th of July.
Not to overshare, but I lost my virginity on the 4th of July 10 days ago.
Chugg Kirkland vodka from the bottle and reminisced about a religious retreat from high school while we watched the fireworks.
She's the one.
There's nothing that I would change about her and I's enchanting adventures.
Those dudes are surf bros are very romantic, huh?
She's the one.
Always ready to get married.
I have a character that's similar to this, and he's very romantic.
There's something about a Chad that should be a bit more.
Hearing Chad tell his story about his rebuttal shop made me super stoked for his skill, but sad that I wasn't there.
I wish I had had more time on the fourth to split between Chad and my soulmate, Sally.
I hope you guys can create another holiday so regular hardworking citizens like me don't have to make these impossible choices.
I dream about a day where there's nothing...
Okay, so this goes on and on, but fast forward to the singing where he sings...
Natasha Hebadiah?
Beddingfield.
Natasha Beddingfield.
He sings our opening song.
So close you can by reaching for something in the distance.
So close you can almost taste it.
Release your inhibitions.
Feel the rain on your skin.
Everybody feel it for you.
Only you can let it in.
No one else, no one else can speak the words on your lips.
Trench yourself in words unspoken.
Live your life with arms wide open.
Today is where your book begins.
The rest is still unwritten.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
Thank you.
So that was six minutes we can't get back.
I didn't think I didn't want to talk about that vigil anymore, but now I kind of want to.
I don't want to.
Well, just a reminder.
Wait, go back.
Sorry?
First Amendment allows them to do that.
Yeah, I want to hear what she said after six minutes.
That was six minutes we can't get back.
I didn't think I'd want to talk about that vigil anymore, but now I kind of want to.
I don't want to.
Well, just a reminder that First Amendment allows them to do that.
Free speech.
So there we are.
Look at all the fun things you could do with this.
Is that a slight diss on free speech?
Free speech does not include jokes?
Huh.
Just a reminder that you guys came up with this stupid amendment.
Interesting.
That leads me to Chad and JT.
There was a little contempt there.
Okay, so they were on Stern recently.
Stern just played what I just played, so I'm just copying Stern, but there is a little tidbit at the end.
Time or something.
You know, and like you're trying, you're being serious.
Yeah, I mean, even if she understands the First Amendment, she doesn't have to put them down.
Yeah, and if you don't respect like our methodology or even my singing, like what about our cause?
Like separate the two.
I don't think anyone would disagree that we need more holidays.
You know what I mean?
What's wrong with that?
So they don't break character.
Actually, I started getting into it.
Yeah.
Like, I started thinking, yeah, why just won July 4th?
Yeah.
Because there was the American Revolution, right?
There was the day the Constitution was signed.
That's probably different than...
I think we declared independence like 80 years before we were done the revolution.
Right.
I think it was like, well, we're done.
The British are out.
No, we're still, it's still, we're in the eye of the storm as far as the war goes.
Yeah, I know, but we're winning.
I mean, let's cut the shit.
So that should be two.
The end of the Civil War should be a biggie.
Right.
And what about the end of World War I, World War II?
Like, we have President's Day.
There's Secretary Day.
I agree with those guys.
I'm not laughing.
Yeah, and then they got months for things, you know?
Black History Month?
Yeah.
We can have holidays within things too.
Like, what about the end of the Civil War in Black History Month?
Yay.
Or Slavery Abolish Day.
Woo!
Right.
That's a big one.
We could have the day women got to vote.
I would be happy to stay at home and look after the kids that day.
My wife could go out and enjoy herself.
I'll be alone crying in my office with a bottle of Makersmark, screaming why in the mirror.
That sounds fun.
My friend made up a holiday called Steak and Blow Job Day, which appears at the exact opposite of Valentine's Day, because kind of like a girls' holiday, and then Steak and Blow Job Day.
And it's never happened for him, though.
No, I think he's done it.
I asked him.
Okay, thanks for being gross and we're changing the rating of the show.
I may have talked about this already, but speaking of free speech, this show is becoming like a free speech show.
I just called it free speech because I like free speech and thought we'd talk about tons of other stuff.
But it's amazing how often it's like today in free speech.
Boop-a-doop-boop-boop.
Do-do-do-do-do-do.
Dude, it's brutal.
Dude, it's brutal.
Bill Burr was going to be on Pat Dixon's show in New York.
And I had a brilliant idea that I pitched, which is Pat Dixon goes, we have a surprise guest, everyone.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bill Burr.
And then Ryan comes out onto the stage and says, dude, you know, it's cool to be here.
You know, I just pretty much be Bill Burr, right?
Well, be Bill Burr, you dunce.
What would he say?
Ah, dude, it's like, have you been out there?
It's really hot.
It's like brutal.
What?
It's hot out there.
I don't know.
What's the use in being able to do impressions if you poop your pants every time someone says do one?
I have to think of some kind of bit, something for him to be.
Just say there was some fat lesbian outside who told him he couldn't smoke.
Yeah, this chick, she was out there.
She was like, she's like, hey, Bill, you can't smoke.
And I'm like, dude, whatever.
And she was brutal.
It's not good.
That was so bad.
I can't think like Bill Burr.
I could sound like him.
It's so easy to think like Bill Burr.
He's mad about some blue-collar thing, some lesbian telling him what to do, or some chicken-in-action movie was beating up a bunch of guys, or just repeat a bit you've heard him do.
Wow, I'm glad this didn't happen because you would have bombed.
It would have been Guitar Center all over again.
Imperial Guitar Center.
I knew you would correct me because you suck.
So anyway, my idea, which apparently wouldn't have worked, would be Ryan comes out and he does a big Bill Burr thing.
He'd have to be pre-written.
We'd have to hold his hand.
And then Pat wouldn't laugh and he'd go, you're not Bill Burr.
And he goes, yeah, I'm sorry.
He goes, get the fuck off my stage.
So Ryan leaves.
And then Pat goes, I'm really sorry about that, everyone.
And then this is the crucial part of my plan.
People in the audience would go, of course it's not fucking Bill Burr.
My life sucks.
I don't think fun ever happens to me.
I always hear about Louis C.K. doing surprise shows and stuff, but never with me.
Never with Andy Klegman.
Andy, you suck.
And your date sucks.
And she's never going to want to see you again.
And then, oh shit, it's Bill Burr.
Then actual Bill Burr comes in.
So what you did to the audience was they were here.
You brought him up and then you slammed them down.
Now they go from all the way down here to, whoa, it's Bill Burr.
That is a very considerate thing to put them through.
Yeah.
That would have been fun.
And then I texted all that to Pat, and he goes, I don't really know him, so I would suggest that.
And maybe eight seconds in, he go, Toad, Toad, do you mind if I just come on the stage?
I don't want to mess with all that.
Oh, dude, that sounds great.
I got a better idea.
I go up there, I do stand-up, and then I get the fuck out of here.
How's that sound?
I mean, is that weird?
It's just a weird idea.
Oh, yes, you're a pitcher.
You got a show that you're working on, too?
A development deal?
You want me to sign something for you?
So the movie's called The Hunt, and it's about people who live in the manor.
Can you imagine how pretentious you'd have to be to name your area the manor?
Hilar.
I live in Westchester, but actually the particular location I'm located in is the common palance for our district is the manor.
And people who live in the manor likely support Hillary and hate Trump and would treat any Trump neighbors like shit because they're fucking snobs.
Oops.
So a very interesting thing is going on here.
So the plot of the movie is some billionaires buy some land in like Eastern Europe or something, right?
And they dress it up like it's Arizona.
And then they get a bunch of rednecks, kidnap them, fly them out there, let them loose, and then they hunt them from sport, for sport.
And I thought it was just like a classist thing, like the rich versus the poor, but no, it's pretty specific.
It's rich liberals against poor Trump people.
Now, of course, they have to make it a chick.
Turn it up.
Oh, no, I didn't.
Most people know where they are.
Why most people?
You're in the glorious state of Arkansas, sweetheart.
Oh, no, please, no!
It's kind of gory for a trailer.
I don't want my six-year-old seeing that.
Well, this ain't Arkansas, so.
Oh, they're in Hungary.
Everyone is lying.
Your idea is incredible.
They can't argue with that.
We're going to do everything.
So this country belongs to us.
This is just business.
Hunting human beings for sport.
They're not human beings.
Those are all liberals.
Every year a bunch of elites kidnapped.
So yeah, you get the idea.
It's kind of annoying that a woman saves the day again.
Like, do you know how few women would be able to go and then jump over, grab the shotgun from the chick and go and not puke after?
Just be like, just killing some old people.
As I do.
Plus, those old people are probably relatively blue-collar.
Like, they're not going to sign up, spend a billion dollars to work at the local corner store.
Those are just random workers.
You just killed them.
That's always bothered me in movies too.
Like, even stormtroopers, I just see these guys breaking out of some spaceship and all the security guys for the bad guy getting killed.
I'm like, those guys are just doing their job.
Like, they're basically COs, corrections officers.
And they don't even know that you're innocent, Sylvester Stallone or whoever is escaping.
Anyway, so the specificity was not relayed earlier.
It's really coming out now.
And here's a quote.
So go to the Hollywood Reporter.
This is the part of the movie.
They say, did anyone see what our rat fucker in chief just did?
One character asks early in the screenplay for the hunt, a universal pictures thriller set to open September 27th.
Another responds, at least the hunt's coming up.
Nothing better than going out to the manor and slaughtering a dozen deplorables.
So why did you run away?
You were thirsty?
Yes.
So they say they're going to hunt deplorables and the rat fucker in chief?
I guess that implies you have a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny penis.
Well, you're just going to split the rat in half if you're normal size.
You'd split the rat right in half.
You're just wearing a rat as a condom if you're normal size.
It'd be like a peepee uniform.
But if your penis was small enough to rape a rat, and I assume it wouldn't be consensual, you got bigger problems.
That's not even an insult.
Ha ha, your dick is so small you fuck a rat.
Sorry.
That's like saying to the elephant man, haha, you're not even hot.
Yeah.
Like you're brutally deformed if you can only have sex with rodents.
Yeah, it's just a gross thing to call somebody a rat effer.
But this is definitely the way liberals talk.
So the left is against this film because they think it glorifies gun violence.
And the right is against this film because they think it's kill deplorable porn.
And I like this film because my interpretation is that it's making fun of how sinister and sadistic, I was going to say masochistic, how sadistic modern day liberals are.
Like they're just over at what's his name's house?
Senator McCain, what was his name?
Mitch McConnell.
They're over at Mitch McConnell's house saying how they need to, they want to just stab him in the heart.
They're saying he's not going to get any sleep if those illegal immigrants can't sleep.
He's not getting the sleep.
And they want to stab him and kill him.
So I think it's a brilliant way to lampoon the leftist violent tendencies.
Right.
And how classist they are and how they're not about love and how hate does have a home here.
So I think it's a good movie.
But here's the beauty of art.
We're all entitled to our own personal interpretations.
So I take it to be that.
Liberals take it to that.
So don't censor it.
That's the beauty of art.
It's up to you.
And that's the problem with art too, is you say, I'm against this, and you end up hurting the people you're purporting to help.
For example, in Westchester right now, they are boycotting Equinox and SoulCycle because they found out the owner is a Trump supporter and he's having Trump fundraisers at his house.
Okay, rich white women, you do that in the manner.
You boycott Equinox.
Guess who loses their jobs?
All the black guys who help people train and lift weights and all the gay dudes who run SoulCycle.
They all lose their jobs and the rich white women get to Virtue Signal.
That's the way censoring works.
You know, that happened with Milk Bar.
Also, that's David Chang's thing.
MoMo Fuku.
Totally politically correct dude.
I've hung out with him a couple times.
He's the guy who invented putting women in the friend zone.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's okay.
I told you about that, right?
That's right, yeah.
He's hitting on this model for a long time, and he realizes she's about to put him in the friend zone.
So he turns the tables and he goes, can you help me find a good chick?
I don't know.
I feel like I should get in a relationship.
And she's like, clearly you want me.
And he's like, some girl like you, but a brunette and, you know, more into humor.
That's fun.
And she was just...
Oh, ch- Yeah.
Yeah, so Momofuku and Milk Bar.
That's what they do, the desserts at Milk Bar.
Wait, this is the exact same story.
Yeah, yeah.
What's the same guy he invested in?
A huge mama fuka and milk bar investor is hosting a Trump fundraiser, and people are...
Yeah, he invests in a lot of things, probably.
Right, so now everything he invests in has to be boycotted.
Yeah, I know somebody who watches the show.
Why do you think he doesn't go broke?
Do you think he's going to lose all his money if you don't go to, if Mama Fuco and Milk Bar and Equinox go under?
Do you think he loses tons of money?
He's good.
Okay?
A billion dollars?
That's a lot of money.
Yeah, look at all these comments here.
Somebody that watches the show and works peripherally with this.
Six million bucks, you get about $100,000 interest.
You usually make about 5%.
What's 5% of a billion?
500,000?
Are you doing that?
5% of a billion?
Here's how you do tough math questions, you stupid idiot.
You just put it in the actual URL bar.
What is 5% of a billion?
It's 50 million.
50 million.
Just on interest alone, he's making at least $50 million.
Do you know how hard it is to spend $50 million?
Like, oh, I'd fly first class.
You got your own jet.
That's all handled.
So petty.
Yeah, so there's this.
And by the way, the other thing the left doesn't understand is, okay, so we'll do that to you.
So we'll start boycotting your fundraisers.
Anyone who raises money for the DNC will boycott.
It's the same as Joe Biden.
Oh, you made a typo, you said racist.
All right, let's start analyzing Joe Biden's typos.
Oh, Brett Kavanaugh can't be the Supreme Court judge because some lady said she had rough sex 20 years ago or more?
Maybe it was 40 years ago?
35, whatever.
Okay.
Well, you're going to have to deal with random accusations that have no evidence.
Don't you get it?
Don't you get the dystopia you're creating for yourself?
What's this you're showing me?
These are all the comments on milk bar stuff.
The only people who will suffer from these boycotts are the employees.
Right.
You always hurt the people you purport to help when you play God.
That's what socialism is.
It's taking over and saying, I'll handle who gets food.
You know what happens when you do that?
Everybody starves.
And you know what happens when everybody starves?
There's riots in the streets like Venezuela.
And a lot of people get violent and a lot of people get punched and a lot of people get knocked out.
Let's now go to me in the green screen room and discuss knockouts.
I'm having trouble saying what I mean.
Here's a fun thought.
What if a South Paw, right?
Terrence Crawford, by the way, this is Terrence Crawford and Amir Khan, a fight that happened April 20th.
Terrence Crawford destroyed Amir Khan.
Makes me think that British people don't train well enough.
I think Amir Khan was in Miami, or is that a different fight before the fight?
But it's hot.
Terrence Crawford, I think he's a Midwesterner.
But Americans and especially Mexicans, they train in the heat.
I don't think these guys train in enough heat to know how to fight.
They're muscular, but soft.
Anyway, Terrence Crawford is an interesting boxer because he can switch stances.
And you never know.
You got to be careful when you switch stances, though, because there's a millisecond where you're just like this and you're standing like a normal dude.
That's easy to push over.
Mike Tyson is the only guy who could just have no stance.
It doesn't matter what he did.
He could come out in high heel shoes and kick your ass.
But anyway, here's my crazy notion.
I just came up with this.
So this is normal stance for a right-handed guy, right?
Why don't you make this your stance if you're a southpaw?
Now all of a sudden they're all staring at the right.
Right?
The right's your weak arm.
So their attention is here.
Now you have this super jab.
Your strong arm is your jab.
So all of a sudden, what's normally just like a poo, oh, boo, ah, it's just used for measuring distance is now.
And you can knock someone out.
Now, I've been in a, I've been in a normal amount of fights.
Like as a kid, high school punk rock in the 80s, hardcore was really violent for some reason.
Fighting was a daily Occurrence Nazi skinheads came to every single show and wanted to fight.
So, I don't know, maybe 20 fights.
I've never knocked anyone out in my life, and in the ring, I've never even come close.
I might have given someone a bloody nose.
Oh, I gave Copper Cab a bloody nose, but sparring, I may have given someone a bloody nose.
I've never ever, sparring, had someone go like, whoa.
The best I've ever gotten from a sparring partner is good.
Now, I think it might be because I go in the early mornings, and that's when people who are really into it go.
Maybe if I would go at 6 p.m. after school, I might get a normal person.
Any his.
I just wanted to play a bunch of knockouts because they're fun to look at.
What's the story behind this?
This is somewhere in like Indonesia or some super fancy place.
Do you remember?
What are you doing?
What is that?
That's me on my phone.
I don't know how the hell it's in there.
What is that?
Don't edit that out.
I want that in there.
I don't know what it is.
It's the web passing on you.
You're tooling around.
And I'm in the shot, too.
So this is from earlier today or something.
What a shit show so far.
I'm sorry.
So where is that?
Okay.
It just says Mortal Kombat.
I could look at the description.
I think it's where...
Maybe you're right.
Anyway, sorry, folks.
Not getting the information from the show as per usage.
Amateur Hour at the Apollo.
Okay, so this is some dude in his karate thing and his buddy.
It's like, hey, let's make a Mortal Kombat thing and just spar around.
We'll take it easy on each other, though.
Nothing too dramatic.
Does it have audio?
From what I see, it does not.
Okay, that's fine.
That's fine.
It's all about the knockouts.
It should, though.
Don't be overconfident, guys.
Please.
Ooh, he's got his socks on.
That's such a bad look.
Has he got a baseball hat on?
Or is that a mullet?
So they're doing some kicks.
Okay.
Oh, kicked, almost knocked him down.
Got him down.
All right, that's good.
He's got his confidence back up.
Ooh, trying to find the right place.
Ooh, doing those jumpy kicks that you do in high school.
Those are never effective.
Boom.
Oh, oh, oh.
Why did he drag him away?
He felt bad.
Yeah, that's a weird thing people do when you get knocked out.
They want to get you up and pick you up.
Leave the guy.
He's clearly disoriented.
That's really dangerous, though, because he's got, that's how you die.
You get a double concussion.
Your brain hits.
So you punch here, your brain hits the front, and then you hit the ground, and your brain hits another place that hits the back.
In this case, it was sort of like he got hit where bloop.
Well, he got it.
He got hit in the back of the head, so his brain goes to the back, and then he hits the ground, and his brain goes to the front.
That's bad.
I got knocked out once.
I did a pilot for a show called, what was it called again?
The Immersionist.
That was it.
And I fought this.
There was this gang, a biker gang in Orlando called the East Bay Rats.
And I was fighting the guy.
This huge hulking Asian dude.
Have you got it there?
I think so, yes.
Oh, you got the whole pilot is up?
That's the number.
Huh.
You know why?
This was back when Al Jazeera was Al Gore's thing, and it wasn't called Al Jazeera.
And it was all about the environment and stuff.
Was it called Al JaGora?
And you know why they didn't pick up this pilot?
Because they lost it.
They lost the paperwork.
That's a good reason.
I found that out about five years later.
So I remember he knocked me out.
I came to.
I didn't know.
I didn't know.
I didn't know my kids' names.
My kids' names were totally foreign to me.
Didn't know who they were.
I knew my wife's name.
When someone said it, I knew that name was important.
But I didn't know it was my wife.
I had no idea what I was doing in Oakland.
No clue.
And you know when someone punches you in the arm and you can feel like the fist shape for a little bit?
I could feel...
Just not showing the actual fight.
How long is this?
30 minutes long.
Oh, that thing's the actual fight.
Yeah.
I could feel the shape of my brain.
You know how it sort of comes down like a mullet?
I could feel the mullet.
I could feel the exact shape of it.
It was alarming, dude.
Being knocked out sucks.
In fact, I think one of the best, And look at him.
He knocked me out twice, too.
He got me the...
Not there, but...
Great form, McInnes.
And he's just going all out.
How does that make you feel watching it again?
Like a little...
I'm obviously disappointed in the fact that I'm staring at the ground the whole time, but at least I got the gumption.
Yeah, yeah.
But does it bring back memories of like, ow, I remember pain?
No, this wasn't traumatizing.
It was fun.
Oh, cool.
But the being knocked out part sucks.
Oh, they were yelling sissy lala at me.
Anyway, he gets a good punch in soon.
I think I had to stop.
Yeah, I had to stop there.
Now, again, have you ever seen a fight where someone gets knocked out and then they get up and they're fine and they win?
I don't think that's ever happened.
If you get knocked out once or even take a knee, stop the fight.
It's over.
Now, this was a pilot I was trying to sell.
So I said, I got to give him a good show.
And this is where he just goes bananas.
Plus, I'm not feeling very well with this.
And it's time for a knockout.
Oh, no.
Boom.
Oh, I see it.
And then boom.
Wow, that was a cool fall, though, dude.
That wasn't like that Asian girl's fall.
Look at that.
Oh, that's a metal post?
No, no, no, no.
Oh, geez.
It had padding on it.
But I had no clue what was going on after that.
Wow.
And I think a big part of boxing, now that I'm better at it, Is I don't want to get knocked out.
I remember this one guy, the gym, he says, you get hit as often as you allow yourself to get hit.
That's stressful, though.
It's like playing pool while someone throws bowling balls at you.
It's not relaxing, and it's a great workout because one two and a half minute round, you want to kill yourself.
Anyway, let's go back to the knockout.
Oh, you see that, mate?
See me there?
Yeah, that's no clue.
You know what was weird?
Remember that crazy rumor that Proud Boys were, that a Proud Boy killed a black girl, stabbed her to death?
And then all the Proud Boys were going to go to this bar in Oakland to celebrate the murder.
It's just as crazy as the rumor in Philly that they were going to celebrate a synagogue shooting.
These guys, in their version of events, they stabbed some random black girl, and it wasn't a Proud Boy, obviously.
It was a recidivist, lifelong career criminal, mentally ill dude.
And so they went to protest the celebration of her murder.
Isn't that bizarre?
Anyway, I remember when all that controversy was going on, people pulled up that clip and go, this is what happened the last time Gavin came to Oakland.
I bet you won't show his face again.
You mean when I got into the ring with an MMA fighter for a pilot?
What are you talking about?
Clown world, clown, clown world.
Anyway, let's get back to fun world with some knockouts.
Oh, these are always good.
The bully who won't leave the guy alone.
There's something in our psyche as men where this is our favorite thing in the world.
The walk softly carry a big stick thing where the guy just keeps pushing it and pushing it and pushing it.
And eventually the guy goes, just like that Tommy Robinson clip where he's like, look, Mike, leave me alone.
It's going to be one, two hits.
Me hitting you, you're hitting the ground.
Please don't, please don't.
And the guy goes, I will kill you.
And Tommy goes, God, I'm jealous of people who have delivered knockouts.
I wonder if I'll ever get to do it.
Probably not.
Looks like they're bugging him.
Hey, pussy, you wimp.
You gotta watch it, because sometimes you think someone's a wimp.
They've had it.
Oh, he kicks him in the knee.
Boom.
Oh!
Oh, shit.
Did you hear that?
Yeah, I did.
That's the turn popped him in the chin.
Oh!
He's still got his bag in his hand.
cracker.
That was a left hook.
Oh, y'all.
They're trying to get him up.
Leave him.
Trust me.
You don't know your wife's name.
You don't want to be picked up and carried anywhere.
Oh, yo!
Oh, yo!
You know what you're seeing right now?
You're seeing a guy who is never going to fuck with anyone ever again.
There's two types of men in the world.
Men who have been punched in the face and men who haven't been punched in the face.
Men who haven't been punched in the face have a shitty attitude and they think they're better than everyone and they're arrogant.
Men who have been punched in the face go, let me just first gauge, is this worth it?
Did you put my sister's life in jeopardy?
Did you hurt my mother?
Oh, you just spilled a pint?
All right.
Well, let's see if we can discuss it first before we come to blows.
Because blows blow.
What's this one now?
Oh, this is another good one with the bully.
Just pause.
You know, a reason we might like these, I see boobies.
A reason we might like these is because we like seeing a guy get knocked out, not because we're sadists, but because we watch it and we go, that guy's going to be better.
That guy's going to be a better person.
That guy's not going to fuck with people anymore.
Excuse my language.
Oh, by the way, another important thing.
I hate these salt life shirts and stickers you see on cars.
It looks like slut life.
See, you have some dad who's really into fishing and the back of his truck just says, slut life.
Awesome, dude.
Go out there and get some pussy.
Yeah, I'm divorced now.
I'm living my best slut life.
Bad luck, guys.
You don't want to say you want to hit me, bro?
Yeah.
Oh, hell.
Hold on.
Oh, shit.
That looked like a neck breaker.
Can we see that again?
And then you come, boom.
You know what happened there?
He had the two vectors.
He had the vector of him lunging in at 45 miles an hour, and then he had the fist coming at 50 miles an hour.
That's 95 miles an hour.
Cumulatively.
And then they're all freaking out after.
Have you ever knocked anyone out?
No, I don't believe so.
It's very, very rare.
Even in boxing, it's fairly rare.
Terrence Crawford didn't knock.
Did Terrence Crawford knock out Amir Khan that night?
Wait, is that the one where his ear was going blah, blah, blah, blah, blah?
No, that was that really muscular British guy.
How did that fight end?
Just go.
Dominates Khan.
Let me see, I got it.
These are the highlights, so I'm guessing the last one would be Thanks.
Great.
Why do you keep showing that number?
Look, he's just...
Terrence Crawford is...
He doesn't brag or do anything.
He's just like a quiet Indiana dude.
Works on the farm.
Yeah, I'll fight you.
Let's fight fair, though.
I'm not bragging.
There's no Muhammad Ali stuff with him.
Whoa.
He grabs his head to get a break.
Oh, right in the Queen's Onions.
I remember that controversy now.
Oh, that wasn't the onions.
No, it was not.
That's in a fine spot.
That's on your hip bone.
That's not all those arteries there, no?
Artery punch?
Artery schmartery.
When was the last time someone said, ow, my fucking arteries?
Ooh, I got hit right in the arteries.
My veins hurt.
So there was no knockout there.
No.
Now, I hate to waste everyone's time, and I'm tempted to do a jump cut, even though I'm against them.
But now I have to see the ear.
Anthony Joshua.
Anthony Joshua fight.
And it was a knockout.
And he got hit so hard.
Didn't we talk about it on the show?
The guy's ear becomes like a shirt.
Like this was his ear.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Yeah, brutal slow motion of.
Oh, no, no.
Wait, who is he against?
Anthony Joshua?
Anthony Joshua and...
Who's the other guy?
Anthony Joshua?
It'll be recent.
I don't know.
Anthony Joshua, knockout.
I'm drawing a blank.
Oh, okay.
But we're not entertaining our viewers here.
It's just amazing what the human body can take.
Is this it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes.
Are they going to show it at some point?
Wait a minute.
But Andy Rue is one.
Oh, will you stop showing a picture of yourself?
Anyway, forget it.
That's a waste of time.
You're never going to find it.
You're not good enough.
Let's go to the next one.
Let's give up on you as a person and not have goals.
If I was your dad, I would say, Ryan, don't try too hard.
Give up.
You don't have what it takes.
Don't keep fighting.
Oh, this is the one with the fat guy.
Ruiz was the fat guy, yeah.
He got knocked out, I think, in that fight.
Oh, remember I said you never come back from a knockout?
Yeah, I think I have the wrong fight.
Yep.
That was the guy who had the Snickers bar.
We'll find you the wobbly ear and we'll present it after this video.
Anyway, sorry.
Get back to fight.
The fight.
What's this one now?
Oh, this is a good one.
Actually, this isn't a good one.
I don't enjoy watching this, but the thing I was talking about earlier with the knockout and the knockout, there's nothing that makes me go, ah, yeah, more than when you see someone get knocked out and then hit their head on the way down.
And I don't know what is going on.
Is it feminism?
In the past five years, ladies just keep wanting to brawl and they keep wanting to get involved in very dangerous situations, including picking fights on a massive incline at a sports stadium.
No volume?
No.
Look at this.
Look, she's clearly drunk.
Stop it.
Oh, and then that woman throws water on her and she just, or Coca-Cola, probably, and she decides, I'm going to get involved.
Boom.
Ah.
You got to zoom out a bit, dude.
That is completely zoomed out.
Oh, really?
So she comes...
So she comes back to fight the woman who poured the drink on her, and wham, gets kicked in the head, and then boom.
Ah.
Yikes.
That hurts.
So I think what happened is she's like semi-conscience, semi-conscious after the kick, and she's kind of floating in the air, and then gets the double.
So she's like, what the?
And then ba-doom.
That's a bad one.
Conor McGregor wouldn't pick a fight at a sports stadium.
Like, what are you going to do?
The odds of you falling down that incredible incline and getting messed up on the way down are way too high.
What's this one now?
This one has sound.
I don't remember this one.
Oh, this is great.
Stop.
That, I believe, is the leader of Argentina.
He's an Argentinian right-wing politician that gets hassled by that.
Now, what happens in America when right-wing politicians get harassed, like Ted Cruz, or was it Mitch McConnell?
And then they had the head of the EPA.
They all just sort of get their stuff and walk away.
I don't want to cause a scene.
However, it's not the entire Western world that's cucked.
There's still some hope in the top of South America.
Check out this move.
Some socialist decides to give him shit.
Look, I'm sitting here with my press secretary.
We're trying to get some work done.
Leave us alone.
Fuck you.
You've ruined this country.
You're a disgrace.
I'm a disgrace.
I'm a disgrace.
I'm a disgrace?
Fuck you.
That was so light.
Those were the good old days.
Am I advocating violence?
No, not necessarily.
I'm advocating for men standing up for themselves.
We used to handle stuff.
We didn't always call the police and sue people.
Now, I obviously would never advocate for someone to go out and just start punching a random person.
But when someone is threatening you, putting you in danger, it's perfectly reasonable to fight back.
And we've been taught that even standing your ground is a bit aggressive.
In fact, on NBC, when that Covington Catholic school kid said, I wasn't doing anything, it's playing a drum in my face, and I just stood my ground.
And she goes, that's a bit aggressive, don't you think?
Are you trying to find the wobbly ear?
I've given up.
Yeah, you should give up because I can't even remember what fight it was.
All right.
Next one.
Is that it?
That's it.
Oh, man.
I know.
Way to go out in a blaze of glory.
Okay, well, when we come back, I will be showing you the wobbly ear, which is in the next five seconds.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Take it away, me.
Take it away, me.
I hate you again.
Because of that?
And you switched the songs.
That's not the opening song.
Oh, that's right.
That's clever, I guess.
So I was talking in that video we just shot about the ear, and I can't find it.
We got the ear.
No, I don't feel confident about this.
Oh, you don't know if this is the ear?
Like, I love Canelo and Amir Khan, Terrence Crawford, all those guys are in my wheelhouse.
I'm new to boxing.
But I watched this clip a few times now, and the clip I remember, and I feel like Canelo was involved.
I looked up Canelo and Daniel Jacobs, Danny Jacobs, and even then, well, the fight I saw, I didn't have a knockout.
But I remember the ear just...
No, that wasn't it.
No.
The clip I'm talking about, honestly, take a skin-colored t-shirt.
I can't remember.
I'm pretty sure the guy was white.
And just go like this, like shake your t-shirt.
That's what was going on with his ear.
It was like a silly string.
It was a piece of plasticine.
Like, it went.
This definitely was not it.
This was September of last year.
Oh, really?
This clip.
So definitely not.
Okay, so let's just watch that one.
Okay.
Amir Khan is a rich kid, and Canelo is a Mexican.
That Irish guy does not speak English.
Some people say he must come from like the Irish, the Irish who were drafted in the Mexican war.
Boom!
Look at that.
Now, watch him go down, too.
Good night, sweet cherry huts, coming forth to carry me home.
I have so many stupid theories about Canelo.
Want to hear the dumbest one?
Sure.
Irishmen are good fighters, but their Achilles heel is the heat.
They get too hot.
Otherwise, they're the best fighters in the world, except for Russians, I guess.
But if you're born in Mexico like Canelo is, and you train at some 110-degree gym your whole life, that's no longer your Achilles' heel.
So now you're just the perfect fighter.
And that is my amateur hour at the Apollo Boxing Theories.
Does that make you mad seeing Doom, the video game, being advertised on a boxing ring?
Not one iota.
Okay.
But I still think video games are a waste of time.
And by the way, I know a lot of you guys who watch the show play video games for five hours at a time.
I want you to know that you're losers.
Okay.
That includes Ryan.
Ouch.
Speaking of Ryan, I barely play vids.
Really?
Yep.
Well, then why do you wake up at noon?
Well, I'm not up playing video games.
I'm doing other things.
What?
You don't have any work done.
The history of punk has been, you've been working that for 9 million years.
That has to air now.
Devil's music, that's nowhere near done.
That's not true.
Did you get the ending with the tweets?
No.
But if you go to bed, if you wake up at noon, that means you went to bed at 4 a.m.
5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.
Eight hours.
Drink a little bit.
I watched the movie.
Okay.
Hell of a movie.
I watched.
Sorry, I'm late, boss.
I watched Star Wars seven times.
No, I went to the bar.
There was chili hot dog night.
Oh, that takes up a lot of time.
I didn't know that there was chili there.
I was there for a while.
Bartender hooked me up with a sorry I'm late, boss.
Last night at the bar, they had hot dogs.
Oh, hot dogs.
Those things that slow you down.
I stuck around at the charge.
I mean, time machine dogs?
Is that what you meant to say?
No.
So I came back at around one and then finished this movie.
Shut up.
Speaking of Ryan, here's some bad news for people like Ryan Katsu Rivera.
So Chase Bank had these Canadian cards, these Amazon wish cards, and they go, oh, these Canadians are a pain in the ass.
And the money, the translation, currency, and there's different laws over there.
This isn't profitable.
Fuck it.
And they cut up, not the card, the corporations.
So all these people in Canada go, wait, how do I pay you back if you don't exist?
And Chase Bank, who shut down the head of the Proud Boys, sorry, the chairman of the Proud Boys, Laura Loomer, Joe Biggs, they're shutting down conservative accounts everywhere, just say to Liberalville Socialist Canada, don't worry about it.
Wow.
They're just canceling debt.
This guy in the picture had about $1,700 in debt, but other guys had like six grand, seven grand that they were slowly paying back.
And when you cancel a card like that and say, fuck the debt, it's not the six grand they owed that you saved.
It's not like you're going to pay that tomorrow.
You're going to pay that over two years.
So it's more like eight grand.
Now, the reason I'm scared is because of boobs like Rivera here who are going to go, hey, you never know.
Maybe my debt will get canceled one day.
I'll just keep spending.
I don't think about that.
I'll just buy new shoes.
You're wearing new shoes right now.
You're wearing new shorts.
These are track pants.
New track pants.
You bought Adidas Designer track pants.
How many pairs of shoes do you have?
These were $25 after my 10% discount.
You should be on a payment plan trying to get out of your debt.
I could do that.
Sure.
Why don't you?
Do you think someone's going to magically pay off your debt?
Because I will tackle them and say no and throw the $12K in the sewer.
I'm just not too worried about it.
Why not?
And I don't know.
Like the way we were talking about vacation, and I said, all right, I'm going to be at Breezy, and then you're going to be at this place.
And then you go, well, I want to bring my lesbian friend Jill.
Oh, what?
Okay.
And then so I plan around that.
Okay, well, then I'll have to come back and I'll come back from Breezy, pick you up, and then we'll go down and we can shoot live from Breezy there.
Breezy Point is a place in Queens where cops go to retire where I'll be renting a house.
And then he comes back today and he goes, well, I think Jill can come after all.
She had cancelled.
What?
She cancelled?
Yeah, she can't afford it.
Oh, isn't she going on some big road trip?
Yeah, that's next week.
But she might not be able to do that because I can't go for that.
So she wanted gas money.
She could only afford one event.
Well, why didn't you settle that before I sat with my calendar for nine years?
I was going full steam ahead, and I didn't know that there was any uncertainty from her whatsoever.
And I don't know.
Why as a 49-year-old multi-millionaire beholden to some dumb lesbian who doesn't know what's up or down?
Well, that's not exactly true.
I guess that's some way to look at it.
That's a really despair way to look at it.
That's a despair way.
Yeah.
Brian just learned English three days ago.
Desperate wouldn't really work because that doesn't hold to me.
Despair is a noun.
Yeah, I know.
So I was going to say that.
That's a really despair way to look at it.
It's a really desperate way to think about it.
Negative, is that what you mean?
Cynical?
No, it's despair that you're expressing.
What?
Like, woe is me on account of this.
Woe is me.
No, I'm annoyed.
Yeah.
I'm annoyed that you're making your boss's vacation life and the schedule planning around some dumb cunt named Jill.
Well, don't call her that.
That's not very nice.
I wouldn't say Anything about you that's bad to you or behind your back.
I think you're a great guy.
I don't care.
And Jill is great.
Yeah, I don't care about Jill.
I don't want Jill.
I don't want the word Jill ever in these ears again if Jack Anna Hill is not involved.
Now, it gets worse, folks.
So he goes, actually, she can come, but if I pay for her.
See, my family goes to this place every year, and I just stay in the room with my grandparents.
But if Jill comes, I obviously can't stay in the room there.
But her friend has a house that she can stay in.
Oh, okay.
But he wants to charge.
But she can't afford it, so I would just pay.
$180 he's going to pay for her.
I go, don't do that.
You don't have $180.
It's all.
You're a free vacation with your family.
You're going to bond with your grandparents, see your deadbeat mom again, and whoever else shows up, some Puerto Rican cousins.
And then you're like, but then I'll also walk over to this house I'm paying for with a lesbian in it.
Well, the whole deal, why that would be worth it is then I get to come back and then work Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.
But you can do that anyway.
That's public transportation.
From Wildwood, New Jersey?
Yes, of course there is.
Well, I'm not doing that.
Why not?
It's four hours.
Unless it's a nice train or something.
Wow, look at you.
You get two weeks of vacation and I have to spend four hours in a bus for a three-day vacation to work.
Plan A, before all the Jill's stuff, was you being gone for like two weeks.
It was not.
Yes, you're off next week.
Yes, but that doesn't mean I do vacation stuff.
I would be not doing work.
I'm not going to be anywhere special, like any cool, breezy, no.
Yeah, but my original plan had you with a week off and then a week in Jersey with your family.
And you fucked all that up with a dumb Kakamame plan that now involves you circumcising your vacation and buying a lesbian a house.
This is Ryan's planning in a nutshell.
This is why I don't like seeing credit cards wipe off debt.
Anyway, do not, and I can't believe I have to micromanage your personal life.
Do not get a place for Jill.
Stay with your family the entire time in Wildwood.
I will do live from Breezy by myself, and then that Thursday we'll do the podcast.
That sounds good.
Also, brush your teeth, clean your room, literally clean your room, and try to go to bed before 4 a.m.
Okay.
Okay, and don't nap.
Don't go to bed at 7 and then wake up at 1 a.m. wondering why it's dark out like you're non-24, like a blind person.
Okay.
Did you get that?
Non-24.
Yeah.
It's a commercial about some sleeping pill that blind people have to take because they have your life.
I don't, I didn't never heard of that.
And it's, look it up.
It's like blind people have a life so shitty, it's almost like they're Ryan Katsu Rivera and they don't know what time it is.
So they'll just go, get up, go to bed, get up in these three hour, four hour, five hour, 20 hour intervals.
It's called non-24.
So they take a pill.
Why would you show the Google search and not go to a commercial?
Non-24.
Click videos.
You horrible human being.
Wait, what did you type in?
Blind people24.
And then, so it shows you.
Blind people24?
Non-24 is the only thing you need to know.
Oh my God.
It's amazing he's not 120 million in debt.
We asked Terry, can you talk a little bit about the challenges you face?
Very patronizing tone.
Blindness is not necessarily difficult.
What is difficult is the way blindness is viewed in society.
Blindness makes you talk like a robot.
98% of blind people are unemployed, and it is because society does not view us as capable people.
Why are you looking around?
There's nothing to see here.
It is much assumed that I will not be able to do those things because of my blindness.
But my blindness also is hindering me.
Sometimes it's my luck.
That was a waste of time.
Let's.
Oh, before we go to the mailbag, I saw this flyer going around and I thought it was very interesting.
It's Antifa suggesting that you come.
Joe Biggs is doing this thing on August 17th.
It's like a fight for freedom or something.
And he knows Antifa is going to come, and he's just going to stand there, no weapons, no LARPing, no nothing, and just say, we love America, we love free speech, as Antifa tries to kill him.
It's a very brave thing for him to do, but he's determined to show that our side isn't violent, their side is.
And the fact that he's an ex-Marine who almost died in Afghanistan probably makes it easier.
Wait, did you say ex-Marine?
I'm not even sure he was a Marine.
But he drove a Humvee and he flipped in the air with bombs.
And the guys almost died a million times.
But anyway, don't forget to disguise ourselves as Patriots, Trump supporters, wearing MAGA hats, USA flags, 3%ers, and convincing police.
A convincing police uniform is even better.
What the?
You're so dumb.
Here's what's going to happen, kids.
You're going to get arrested for violence, wearing your MAGA hat.
Your name will then be public record.
The autists on 4chan will look up your name.
They will find out your social media past.
They'll find out that you're Antifa, and you will be exposed as dressing up as a MAGA guy and committing acts of violence.
Henceforth, when people see violence coming from MAGA, they will say it's probably an Antifa guy.
They do that all the time.
So I hate to give tips to the other side, but this is one of the worst things you could do for your movement.
You're about to fuck up your life and your stupid gay movement.
All right, shall we go to the mailbag before we go?
Yes.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes together's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
You know, I like to temper the abuse towards you and keep it positive, trying to help you, like with your holiday and stuff.
Yeah, it all comes from a good place.
But then the mailbag comes up and it just puts it over the edge.
It's just that, like I had, you know, when you get a maker's and the bartender likes you because you tip well?
Yeah.
That was like a little shout out to me, by the way.
And he fills it to the very, very brim.
Until you're sort of like you have to reach down to sip it before you can bring it to your face.
I'm going to go get a maker's right after this.
Let me sip it.
So it's like that, the Ryan abuse.
And then the mailbag just has it spilling over the sides a little bit.
It's just that little extra drop.
The itty bitty change.
This is from Colin.
It says, make episodes downloadable.
Hey, Gav McGinnis and Rye Catsoup.
Longtime subscriber, second time emailer.
No one responded to my first mail.
Thanks a lot, shitheads.
But I digress.
I live in Brampton, Ontario.
I work in Burlington, Ontario, in which rush hour takes me about an hour to commute to and fro.
Can you absolute genii, please make the audio portion of all your episodes available for download subscribers?
I used to listen to Howard on Satellite to pass the time.
That's what I do.
I listen to Howard Stern, Tucker Carlson, Anthony Cumio.
Nice.
And it's because I always feel like you should be improving your trade.
So when I used to write more, I would be reading constantly.
Now that I'm talking all the time, I'm listening to talkers constantly.
And Howard Stern is fucking infuriating, but he's amassed such a great pack of guys that I can get over his brutally naive and elitist politics.
And Robin, I've grown to love her.
She really studies the course.
And then, of course, I like Ronnie Mund and the whack pack.
High-pitch Eric is a blessing from God.
Tucker is great at getting to the point.
And what's genius about him is his interviews are two and a half minutes, and he asks four questions.
And he'll come in with, it's almost like a limerick.
He's like, don't you think that people are making a big mistake here?
Have they always been making this mistake?
Well, I don't know what's going to happen.
What do you think is going to happen?
Okay, well, what are we going to do?
The end.
Boom.
So you never, even when there's a boring guest like that old professor who looks like Father Time, it's going to be over in a second anyway.
And then with Anthony Kumia, he's just great at tangents and rants.
And he doesn't need any notes.
Like he could just shoot the shit, get off at a tangent, that goes to happy days.
Next thing you know, he's talking about Archie Bunker, what's happening, and he's gone in a whole new thing.
I don't actually watch Joe Rogan.
It takes too long.
I don't have three hours to kill.
And I don't know how to pause a YouTube video because I'm basically a boomer.
Anyway, I'm a dipshit millennial who needs to be entertained at every moment of the day, and I demand you facilitate this.
I like being comfortable and accommodated.
Thanks in advance.
P.S. Ryan Stallone made me piss my britches.
Colin, what was your Stallone?
It really wasn't that good.
It was this.
It's not great at all.
It is funny.
Sometimes, yeah, an imitation, an impression is better if it's bad.
It's funnier.
And that's what you're trying to do, right?
It's not like you're trying to do a call and claim your Sylvester Sloan and cancel his con Ed.
Like, you're not trying to convince people per se.
trying to amuse them.
The funniest thing is after the free speech rally I did an impression of Stephanie Hazen who was there with He was there.
This kid Phil.
And we're just sitting around.
I'm like, hi, I'm from Texas.
And it's the funniest thing, and it's not accurate.
It sounds nothing like it, believe it or not.
It's kind of like when Dan Aykroyd was on SNL and he was the Chicago guy.
No, no, no.
He's a president.
And people were calling him about acid.
I think you can find it.
And it was maybe Nixon.
I think it was Nixon.
Dole?
Maybe Dole.
No, no, no, no, no.
It was a sitting president.
Dan Aykroyd, president, LSD.
And someone calls him and they're having a bad trip.
And he goes, just remember that you're a living organism who took a drug with the intention to get high.
And that's exactly what happened.
President Carter.
Carter.
And welcome to number 10 in the CBS radio series, Ask President Carter.
So what's cool about Dan Ackward is he didn't shave his mustache for SNL.
So he's playing all these characters who don't have a mustache, and he had a mustache on.
That is pretty good.
Turn it up.
Oh, that's Murphy.
Hello, Mrs. Horbath.
Hello, Mr. President.
How are you today?
Very fine.
Could you turn your radio down, please?
Oh, yes.
Mrs. Horbath, do you have a question for the president?
Yes, sir.
I'm an employee of the U.S. Postal Service in Kansas.
Last year, they installed an automated letter sorting system called the Marvex 3000 here in our branch.
Yes.
But the system doesn't work too good.
Letters keep getting clogged in the first-level sorting grid.
Is there anything that can be done about this?
Well, Mrs. Horbeth, Vice President Mondio and myself, were just talking about the Marvix 3000 this morning, as a matter of fact.
I do have a suggestion.
You know the caliper post on the first grid sliding armature?
Yes.
Okay, there's a three-digit setting there where the post and the armature meet.
Now, when the system was installed, the angle of cross-slide was put at a maximum setting of one.
If you reset it at the three-month, like it says in the assembly instructions, I think you'll solve any plugging problems in the machine.
Oh, thanks, Mr. President.
What is the joke here, that Jimmy Carter is super smart?
Because I never thought of him as smart.
I thought of him as a pussy.
It's just like, how would he know?
He's a dumb liberal pussy.
Yeah.
You know, the thing about that mustache thing is that, you know, Superman, Henry Cavill?
Yeah.
There was a big thing about that.
They had to CGI his fucking face.
Wow, it's hard to believe you're not Chinese because everything you say is an ancient Chinese secret.
Chinese secret.
That's the oldest story in the world.
I have to come up with a bumper for that.
Yeah, old news with Ryan Chong.
Ryan Katsu Katsu.
Oh, did you hear about they had to airbrush Superman's mustache and it didn't look good?
It was all over the news one year ago.
No, go back.
Let's see the LSD thing, though.
Looks like you've been doing your homework, Mr. President.
I'd like to taste the opportunity to say that none of these calls are safe.
You've just taken a heavy drug.
Thank you very much for calling, sir.
Please.
This guy's in trouble.
I think I better try to chalk him down.
Peter?
Go back, go back, go back.
All right, sir.
Thank you very much for calling.
Thank you for calling.
Thank you, stupid mother.
Thank you, Mr. President.
Our next call is Peter Elton of West Bargain, who I am told is 17 years of age.
Hello?
Hello, Peter.
Is this the president?
Yes, it is.
We have a question for the president.
I, uh, I took some acid.
I'm afraid to leave my apartment, and I can't wear any clothes.
And the ceiling is dripping.
And I. Well, thank you very much for calling, sir.
Please.
Just a minute.
Well, now this guy's in trouble.
I think I'm going to try to talk him down, Peter.
Peter, what did the acid look like?
They were these little orange pickles.
Were they barrel-shaped?
Uh, yes.
Okay, Rye, you did some orange sunshine, Peter.
How long ago did you take it, Peter?
I don't know.
I can't read my watch.
All right, Peter, now just listen.
Everything's going to be fine.
You're very high right now.
You'll probably be that way for about five more hours.
Try taking some vitamin B complex, vitamin C complex.
If you have a beer, go ahead and drink it.
Just remember, you're a living organism on this planet, and you're very safe.
You've just taken a heavy drug.
Now, just relax, stay inside, and listen to some music, okay?
Do you have any almond brothers?
Yeah, yeah, I do, sir.
Everything's okay, huh, Jimmy?
It sure is, Peter.
You know, I'm against drug use myself, but I'm not going to lay that on you right now.
Just mellow out the best you can.
Okay.
Whoa.
That's a really funny old school bit that doesn't drag on.
If you have a beer, feel get a drink.
I actually took that advice once when someone was bad tripping, and I remember saying, look, you took a drug to get high.
Now you're very high.
This is exactly what you set out to do.
And the other thing, good thing to say to people who are having bad trips is just wait it out, dude.
You're not going to go to hell.
Your head's not going to fall off.
I guess the drug didn't work out this time.
It's only going to be five hours.
People wait at ER for five hours.
They wait at the police station for five hours.
You're in the waiting room of the bad trip.
Just sit there and wait it out.
It's not going to go on forever.
But then you start getting paranoid because you heard about that guy who took eight hits and he was on acid for 10 years.
Maybe it will last forever.
That's the biggest fear is that the synapses are going to snap and you're going to be high for the rest of your life.
That happened to me once.
I was at a party.
I was at my buddy's house and there was this guy there who he was like, hi, everyone.
I was like, what the fuck's with you?
And he goes, and I go, are you an acid or something?
And then everyone with me goes, fuck, what the hell is going on in here?
This is a weird vibe.
And then he had grown a ponytail that was very small, like a dime-sized area from the very top of his head.
He'd grown this long.
That's disgusting.
And then he braided it so it hung down like this.
And then there was little beads there.
He's a bad person.
And I go, what the fuck is on your head?
And he goes, oh, look at this.
And he goes like that, and it makes a propeller.
And I go, I got to go with this.
Jesus Christ.
And then I leave the living room and then I see there's this mom on the stairs like this.
And I go, hey, Rupert, his name was Rupert Bottenberg.
You can ask him this.
I go, Rupert, come here.
There's a fucking old lady on the stairs bobbing up and down, and then you got a helicopter head.
And he goes, he did acid two years ago, and he's been on ACID ever since.
And he's been in mental institutions.
And his mother brought him here because we were friends with him three years ago.
And she was hoping him being around us might level him out.
And you're not helping.
I was like, thanks for telling me that I'm walking into a mental institution.
A rehab.
Anyway, we're out of time.
But we always end with a funny video.
And this just cheers me up.
I love people who love their jobs.
Thank you.
And this.
Oh.
I hate you.
I understand it.
I hate you because of that song.
The one that we're going out on very soon?
Yeah.
The song we're about to subject all our viewers to, which you got wrong halfway through the show.
Mistakes, Bobby mistakes.
All right.
So this guy is in Chicago.
I didn't know it could lightning in a snowstorm, but apparently it's very rare because this weatherman is thrilled to be a part of it.
Are you at the beginning?
Oh, yes.
Yes!
Yes!
We got it, baby!
We got it!
We got it!
Wow!
We got it!
Yes!
Listen to that!
Listen to that!
Thunder and lightning!
Oh, baby!
It's hard to listen to when you're screaming, sir.
Oh!
Again!
That's a twofer, baby!
Yes!
Scoops it up.
That's a twofer!
Twofer!
Twofer, baby!
Oh, my goodness!
Like the double rainbow guy.
Yes!
Yes!
Again!
You gotta be kidding me!
You gotta be kidding me!
Tarack!
He managed not to swear, too, which is impressive.
Oh, my God!
He's not a weather man.
He's like a weather coach.
Get him in there!
He's a weather fan.
And there's another one.
You've got to be kidding me.
Wow.
You can have your $500 million jackpot in Powerball or whatever the heck it was, but I'll take this, baby.
For four lightning strikes, four episodes of Thunder Snow.
I can hear Thunder.
Thunder.
So we had another one.
So we actually had some Thunderstruct.
I mean, this is just a total change.
Literally within an hour, we What's that?
That's my favorite one.
Oh, my God.
There we go.
That's number six.
This is just a total change.
Literally within an hour, we...
Oh, my God.
Dude, that's number six.
You got to be kidding me.
Dude, I'm telling you, this is Chicago.
Postel, this is Chicago all over again.
We're just sitting in the middle of it.
This guy's a sports announcer for snow.
If he got in trouble for that and they said, sorry, you can't act like that, or they told him not to be too enthusiastic or he'll be fired, I would say, get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave and never stop fighting.
Feel the rain on your skin.
No one else can feel it for you.
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