Get Off My Lawn LIVE #5 | I MET A JUNKIE BARTENDER LAST NIGHT
(Formally titled "Get Off My Lawn podcast/vidcast" but these live shows should be distinguished from the audio podcasts) We begin discussing one of the most awkward interviews of all time and posit theories on why the guy was so nervous. This brings us to the story about a cool barmaid who just became a mom after having what sounds like one of the worst childhoods imaginable. Turns out divorce and heroin are not a great way to raise a young girl. Then, we take calls and talk more about songs that are ripoffs of other songs.
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
Me and all my friends were almost understood.
They say we stand for nothing and there's no way we ever could.
So we've been talking all week on the show, the show on freespeech.tv, not the podcast, About people ripping off other people.
Because I discovered a song by Jeff Beck that was definitely the impetus for a song on the Replacements album, Sorry Ma Forgot to Take Out the Trash.
And then we sort of went off on a tangent doing each show with songs that are stolen.
And that was sent by a viewer who said, hey man, check out John Mayer, what's the name of that song?
Waiting on the World to Change.
Waiting on the world to change.
It's even got the same sort of vibe as what it ripped off, which is Curtis Mayfield's, People get ready, there's a change a coming.
Is it the chorus?
Should I fast forward to that?
No, that's fine.
It's pretty clear already.
Listen, already.
And then go back to John Mayer.
you you What a dink.
No, the very beginnings were really...
Four bars of drums.
One, two, three, four.
I feel it.
Yep.
It's so weird they do that in court.
They'll play that in a courtroom and the judge has to sit there and go, doodly doo.
Like I think Vanilla Ice got away with Under Pressure because it hit Under Pressure's doon, doon, doon, doodle, loon, doon.
And he was doon, doon, doon, diddle, lean, doon, or something like that.
You got to change it just a tiny bit to not be a sample.
Yeah, there it goes.
Doon, doon, doon, digga, doon, doon.
Am I going to get in trouble for this?
Yes.
We're not putting this on YouTube, but am I going to get a bunch of copyright violations for discussing this?
It should be... You're allowed to talk about songs.
You have to talk about songs.
Sorry, you have to have the right to talk about songs.
I would say, yo, give me a piece of that, you know?
That's all, I mean... Why are you showing this, Ryan?
Because theirs goes... But you pulled up an interview with Vanilla Ice.
I thought that was the one where he goes, you remember that famous clip?
No.
Where he goes, really?
Yeah, he goes, ours goes dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun- I'm supposed to be black and white, aren't I, genius?
I'm supposed to be black and white aren't I genius?
Yes.
You're so bad at your job guy.
You're a fucking loser.
So this is the Thursday show.
It's a very loosey-goosey show, and it is really just a vidcast of the podcast.
That's why it's in black and white.
I saw some people were peeved that I did an audio podcast on Monday.
I didn't deny you any content.
I still did the video show that evening.
But I won't do that anymore if you don't want me to.
Geez.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Gad.
We'll probably take calls in about half an hour.
We got a lot to discuss.
My son brought up a good point the other day and I just spaced on it.
Farts.
Is it voice notes?
Yeah, I don't like when we make this particular show like the other shows where we have to go through the news and talk about all this.
I'd rather just this was the shooting the shit show.
Yeah, me too.
I went to a bar last night.
Oh, farts!
I forgot to make the first sentence this show again.
Yikes.
Well, you want to start it now?
I met an ex-junkie bartender last night.
That's the beginning of the show.
Perfect.
Can you remember that?
I'm writing it down.
I met an ex... Wow.
It's so hard to write.
Period?
In the era of no keyboards.
I met an ex-junkie... I mean, I met an ex-junkie bartender last night.
See, here's the deal with bartenders.
Yes, they can be women.
I know I've said women have infiltrated the last little bastions of masculinity we have, which are barbershops and bars.
But, I don't mind a female barmaid.
And they do this in Glasgow a lot, because in Glasgow, things ramp up real fast.
And so what the barmaids do is they calm down the men and they sort of have this matriarchy, this very maternal thing.
We're like, watch it, easy pal.
And the easy pal will be if he swears.
See these fucking people and here you watch it now.
Oh, I'm sorry, sorry, bad language, bad language.
And you go, Jesus, we're at a bar.
Can you relax?
Why are you monitoring a swear word?
No, they have to do that.
Because it'll ramp up and it'll go from fucking to banging to see you and then a shove and then the whole place is in disarray.
So you have to keep Glaswegians on a very short leash.
It's just the nature of the beast.
One time I was there and this guy did exactly what I just said and she goes, hear you.
He goes, sorry, sorry.
And then he looks to me, he goes, I'm really sorry about that.
And I go, you don't have to apologize to me.
And then he goes, I'm not apologizing.
You think I'm apologizing to you?
I had to say whoa, whoa, whoa.
You gots to chill.
So he's apologizing to you and then resenting it.
I think he might have been so stupid he doesn't know what the word apologize means.
Oh, I see what you mean.
So I think he thinks sorry isn't an apology.
Apology is like when you are really solipsistic.
Yeah.
Which is another word that you don't even know.
Upsalcistic?
Yeah, that's it.
What is the actual word?
I want to learn.
Solipsistic.
Solipsistic.
It means sort of like sycophantic.
Okay.
I know sycophantic.
Okay.
Yeah.
Now you got me paranoid that I got the word wrong.
Somebody did write in that you used the word sentience wrong.
Sentience?
Sentience?
Yes, sentience.
- Oh, I'm wrong.
- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. - Solipsism is the philosophical idea that only one's mind is sure to exist.
As an epistemological position, solipsism holds that knowledge of anything outside of one's own mind is unsure.
Really?
So what does solipsistic mean?
Of relating to or characterized by extreme egocentricity.
I guess that's where the solo comes from?
The prefix?
Solipsism?
Played by a ferocious cast of non-actors, the dead-end adolescent rebels in kids are like a wolf pack of baby sociopaths, leaping from one solipsistic sensation to the next.
Yeah, it's self-indulgent.
So I was right.
So there's narcissistic, solipsistic... No, no, I was wrong.
I'm still wrong.
Oh.
Jesus, this beginning is going slow.
He's saying... I think he thinks that an apology is where you're kissing someone's ass.
That's not solipsistic.
Solipsistic would mean me expecting to have my ass kissed.
Yes.
Alright, anyway.
So...
But women in barbershops sucks.
You can't joke around.
You can't do the rude jokes.
Don't bring kids.
There are places where, you know, there's little kid barbershops.
Bring them there.
You bring them to the real barbershop.
We can't make any of our gross sex jokes.
Can like, why do black guys get their barbershops?
I don't know.
Women aren't in black barbershops, I guess because their hair is more complex, but, but women don't get their haircut.
They bring their kids.
And then sometimes you'll have a funky lesbian in there, which, eh, I guess that's okay if she's a real dyke who likes dirty jokes and stuff.
But if she just has a funky do, then no, get out of here.
No straight woman allowed in barbershops.
Which, I've lost that battle, by the way.
I'm just saying, I'm talking about heaven.
And then in bars, I don't know, there's bars, there's social bars.
I met my wife in a bar, so if this law was passed, I'd be fucked.
But, um...
Dive bars, can we just have dive bars?
I mean, the way they drink, they can't handle their liquor, they order stupid drinks that take forever, and after two drinks they start speaking Chinese.
Which I enjoy.
I very much appreciate that.
Oh, speaking of Chinese, we have Kathy Zhu on the show today.
She was the beauty pageant winner, who was considered the prettiest girl in... Michigan?
Yes.
Until they discovered that she's MAGA and she, poof, instantly became ugly.
And they took away her title.
Not the prettiest girl anymore.
Because she espouses hate.
And the swarm of bees that is the modern left discovered two tweets from years ago.
One of them said black-on-black violence is a problem.
The other implied that the hijab is oppressive.
It is.
You know what I love about the left too with this hijab shit is they have wear a hijab day where they encourage everyone to show their love of Muslims.
Muslims don't want you to wear a hijab like real Muslims.
That's like wear a yarmulke day.
Jews don't appreciate you wearing a yarmulke.
It's not your religion.
Don't do my religion if it's not my religion.
That's the definition of blasphemy.
But the best was at the Women's March where they had rainbow hijabs because it's pro-gay.
Islam is like spinning in its grave.
And then they had men, male feminists, walking up and getting hijabs that were like American flag hijabs or rainbow hijabs.
And I'm thinking, you guys are doing a way better job of fighting the bad guy than I am.
Yeah.
This artist is like, I even drew Muhammad for you guys.
Isn't it pretty?
And I'm wearing a rainbow burqa that says trans people must live.
Okay, fine.
It's like Johnny Rotten when he said that Princess Di did a better job of destroying the monarchy than God saved the Queen.
Damn.
The left is doing such a good job of winning the election for Trump.
The goon squad of Ilhan Omar, The Black Chick, Rashida Tlaib, and who's the other one?
Ilhan Omar.
Dammit.
There's the one who praises terrorists, and she blocked a bill recently that was meant to prevent terrorists profiting from their terrorism, like writing a book about it or something.
She blocked that bill.
So she wants the terrorists to make sure they can make good money.
And then, oh, Alexandria Cortez.
Yes.
We haven't heard much from her.
No, well, she's now in her little squad.
Oh, but the other one is Ayanna Pressley.
Did you say that one?
I just call her the black girl.
Okay, yeah.
She's never really done anything controversial.
Ayanna Pressley.
Well, this is what Trump calls her.
He calls her AOC plus three.
I like the goon squad better.
I think I just out-Trumped Trump.
The Goon Squad!
Goon Squad!
Frankly!
AOC plus three is actually more demeaning to the other three.
And you know what it does?
It causes a rift because they're like, why does she get the fucking name?
It should be Ilhan plus three.
You know?
It causes some infighting there and some tension.
He's pretty good.
I think it's good.
He's pretty good.
So anyway, maybe, yeah, you're right.
His is better than mine.
So if there is a female bartender, she has to understand the profession.
And the profession is you're not just serving drinks.
You're a therapist.
Real men don't go to therapy.
Yeah, you heard it here first.
Boxing is fine if that's your therapy and we had a brutal session today at the gym where I could feel the savage gene coming out and it's looking like I might go to jail or be deported with all these tapes because The DA asked for my show, all 700 hours of it.
They're clearly going to pour through it.
And actually, I think Vic Berger provided them with particular clips because they wanted to use the Vic Berger comedy video.
But unlike Anna Kasparian, they realized I can't make a comedy video actual evidence.
I need the source.
So they got a judge's order.
They got all my old shows.
They're bringing those to court.
There's no guarantee they'll end up in court.
Maybe they're going to look at them and go, ah, screw it.
But the trial starts Monday for these remaining three proud boys who are on trial for defending themselves.
The real charge is fighting back in an ambush and enjoying it too much.
That's really what it comes down to.
But they're going to, they're alleging, how should I phrase this so I don't get in more trouble?
It is possible that they will use my show, where I'm like, choker tranny, as proof that this is a violent group that condones violence.
Now, I never said choker tranny, like walk down the street and just start strangling a transsexual.
I was talking about the trannies who were attacking that black MAGA kid, or when I said that Sal should punch a punk rocker, I meant if you're at a rally and they come up to you, they're clearly not there for friendship.
And what no one seems to get about this is during that time, and it's still going now, there was incredible violence from the left.
MAGA hat support.
Guys wearing MAGA hats.
Getting beaten.
Look at what's going on with cops right now.
In Chicago, a mob of civilians started attacking a cop.
He was cornered in the lobby of the projects.
They just had this stupid water thing where they're drenching cops.
And we had that guy on the train that was yelling at a cop to suck his dick.
Yeah, on yesterday's show.
Which a viewer wrote in and said, no, you said that was legal.
It's not legal.
It's disorderly conduct.
But they know if they pull them in, de Blasio's New York won't do anything and it'll just waste everyone's time and they'll get a slap on the wrist.
Because the city does not support the police in this town anymore.
Boy, in Giuliani's New York, if you're drenching cops and yelling at them to suck your dick... And I know it sounds totalitarian, but it worked.
Before Giuliani, New York was a shithole.
Times Square was a guaranteed mugging.
And then after Giuliani, poof!
And it's because of stop-and-frisk and prosecuting guys who jump the turnstiles.
Now I know, I sound like I'm contradicting myself because I'm sick of all these stupid laws and everyone in jail.
And yeah, I am sick of the drug war.
I am sick of... How many people do we have in prison right now in America?
I think it's three million.
These episodes are the ones.
End of 2016.
Yeah.
2.2... 2.3 million people in prison.
And I might be headed there.
Same with these three Proud Boys.
But anyway, so that's a stressful thing.
But then you're at the gym and you're hitting the heavy bag and you realize this is what a trial is.
This is what fighting for free speech is.
So you're training.
It's all the same.
Fighting for free speech, fighting to get these guys exonerated, fighting to stop big tech censorship is the exact same as sparring in the ring.
Same emotions, same adrenaline, same danger.
Actually, no, it's not the same danger.
The worst that happens in the ring is you get knocked out.
The worst that happens out here in the real world is you're in prison, your marriage is over, your life is decimated, etc.
So, when you're at the bar, the bartender has to talk to you.
I'm sorry.
And that's one of the reasons I thought I always wanted a bar.
And then my dad pointed out, he goes, yes, but you're held captive, my boy.
Yeah, you are.
It's true.
You literally have to suffer fools gladly.
And if you're there in the day, there's a lot of losers in the day.
I know, I go to bars sometimes.
Sometimes I'll just play hooky and go to a dive bar.
And if you're there at like 11 a.m.
or anywhere before 3.30, because blue collar guys get out around three or four.
And so you'll get the construction workers and shit started around three and the janitors from the high schools, they start coming in.
So normal people with lives start after three.
Pre-three, Like one, there's some mentally ill saddies there, playing the lottery, doing the tickets, and not speaking correctly.
You know what I mean?
Like mumbling their words.
I got really uncomfortable with this guy on the train.
Losers mumble.
Yeah, they do.
They're so scared of what they're saying that they don't really have the conviction.
I heard I've mumbled a little bit.
What were you gonna say about the guy on the train?
Oh yeah it was like this guy in a business suit but he was so fucking drunk and he was like kind of missing teeth but he had a real nice suit on and he's just like hey man you know and I did that but and I was like I'm on the phone sir he's like okay and he's standing really close to me and he kept encroaching on me and he kept starting a conversation with me I was like I'm still on the phone.
Maybe it's one of those things where it's suits for bums?
And he just came from there?
Yeah, no, it's... You can't polish a turd, guys.
You can't just give him a haircut and a suit.
He's still a brutal drunk who is self-medicating because he has voices in his head.
He's not gonna start at Merrill Lynch tomorrow.
Oh, thank you very much.
That's all I needed?
That's why when they come up to you with that one dread and three teeth, they go, hi, I'm a little bit down on my luck.
I was wondering if I could procure a dollar rooney.
Or if you have any odd jobs, or a sandwich.
I love when they ask for food, because I think people go, here's some money for food.
And then you see them give them actual food, and the bum is like, oh, great.
They just go, I'm a junkie.
You know how fucking hungry I am?
Zero.
Oh, I just said, which is what losers do.
Play that interview with the chick from Freaks and Geeks.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Linda Cardinelli.
This is a loser.
This guy is a loser.
This is a woman.
Yeah.
I know, but the guy talking.
She's 44.
Is that normal for 44 to be that wrinkly?
Marisa Tomei?
Turn it up.
Hi, um, how you doing?
Welcome back to the Man Guide.
I'm sitting here today- Just pause.
Oh, they blanked out his name.
Stop.
Um... That sounds like he's talking backwards.
They blanked out his name.
Oh!
I'm dying to see his name.
I want to see what he looks like.
I think he might be Asian.
You thought that was an actual human sound?
Hi, um... Wait, go back to the very beginning and silence on the set.
Quiet on the set.
How you doing?
Um, sorry.
Go ahead and start again.
Sorry, I got nervous.
Alright.
Hi, um, how you doing?
Welcome back to the Man Guide.
Oh, it is someone talking backwards.
What they did to his voice is they just flipped it.
Yes.
I'm sitting here today with Linda Cardellini, who's...
Sorry, one more time.
He does sound Asian.
It happens to me constantly.
Sorry about that.
She said, I practiced so much, I knew I was going to get nervous.
All right.
How can I tell he's Asian?
Hello, my name is Cesar Valo and welcome back to The Man Guide.
I'm sitting here today with the enormously talented Linda Cardellini, who's starring in the new film, Daddy's Home.
In the new film?
In the new film, Daddy's Home.
You know, it's very obvious.
I think English is his second language.
I think he was born here but raised.
Oh, I met a guy like that.
I worked with a guy once who had a brutal Chinese accent.
Oh, are you going to go to the party on Friday with your friend?
And I had another Chinese guy... Uh-oh!
Time to take the suit off!
Maybe we should make coffee.
Yeah, okay.
I already got coffee made.
And you know from who?
Covfefe.
They just sent a new batch.
What was I talking about?
Oh yeah.
So then I said to the office manager, um, Jesus, dude, he had a weird name, like Homer or something.
I go, Homer's English is brutal.
How long has he lived here?
And then that guy goes, ready for this one?
He goes, you should hear his Chinese.
And I said, what?
Cause that guy spoke, he was perfectly bilingual.
And I said, pardonez moi.
And, uh, he goes, yeah, that guy's Chinese sucks.
And I'm like, wait a minute.
He can't speak English or Chinese?
He's such a loser.
He was a gay guy.
He's such a loser that he just hangs out with his mommy all the fucking time.
We're in our twenties at this point.
I was 29.
He was probably 24.
He just hangs out with his mama, his wotches, his momo, and he picked up her accent.
See, he speaks her shitty English as his mother tongue.
He doesn't really speak Chinese!
Have you been listening?
Yeah, I thought you said his Chinese sucks.
Yes, I did say his Chinese sucks.
That's the whole point of this story.
Sorry folks at home.
This is what you get for working with the handicapped.
So my brain's not working very well today.
This could have been sparring.
I'm convinced this guy who's interviewing Linda Cardellini, it's not the case of what I just said.
It's not that he hears shitty English at home and speaks that.
That's pretty rare.
You've got to be pretty insulated.
I grew up in Canada.
Everyone's parents had an accent back then, and no one had their parents' accent.
Nobody.
I've never met anyone who had their parents' accent besides that one guy.
So this guy sounds like Kathy Zoo.
I think Kathy Zoo moved here when she was like 10 or something.
She has zero accent.
But this guy is obviously lazy.
And, uh, thanks.
Oh, now we got coffee all over the fuckin' desk.
Um... Cheers!
And cheers to making coffee great.
"Covafe." So this guy, I think, he's been, he probably moved here when he was 11, and now he's 22, and he never quite mastered the language.
That's just a guess.
One more time, and I promise I won't do it anymore.
That was great, and I loved the enormously talented part.
That was great.
Sorry.
Sorry, and I promise I won't do it anymore.
Don't!
Do it as many times as you want.
No, no, I can't.
I did this all the time.
No, no, I can't.
I can't take up your time.
She's awesome, by the way.
I like her attitude.
She also could not be less sexually attracted to this person.
She would rather have sex with her dad than have sex with this guy.
Oh yeah, that goes without saying.
Gentlemen, when you show weakness, never say sorry to a woman.
Say like, say I'm hungover or I just found out that my dog died or something.
Lie!
All is fair in love and war.
And the reason I'm giving this guy tips is because I'm about to show you exactly why this is happening.
And it's an important lesson for young men.
I'm sitting here today with the enormously talented Linda Cardellini, who stars in a new film, Daddy's Home, opposite Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg.
Linda, thank you for being with us.
Who's Will Ferrell?
I appreciate it.
Thank you.
Well, in Egypt.
Sorry about that.
And let's start off.
The film looked like it was a blast.
It looked like it was a blast to be on the film.
Oh, no.
Sorry.
Just, oh, no.
Who starts that?
Just pause.
Who starts out an interview with, let's start off?
I should say that to Kathy today.
Kathy, welcome for coming.
Sorry, I'm really nervous.
Welcome to be on the show.
Let's start off.
So, being on Daddy's Home with Will Ferrell seemed really fun.
You must have been giggling.
It's such a generic question, too.
The first question is, did you have trouble not laughing on the set?
Those guys must have been cracking up.
What are you, a 90-year-old woman?
Could you have a more boring question than that?
Yeah.
Like, ask her about her daddy.
How does this movie compare to your home life?
Yeah.
Or if he talked about himself a little bit, like, yeah, I am hungover, then that opens, it makes it like she's talking to a person, and not just like a robot who's, you know, uh-oh.
Don't be nervous, don't worry about it.
Big problem.
Don't be nervous, it's fine too.
There's a big, big trouble in little China.
Okay.
How, how is making a Chinese accent?
When did that become the most racist thing you could possibly do next to a minstrel show?
I don't know.
Like everyone does a Jamaican, it's super funny.
African, no one minds.
Why did you, why are you gay?
Why are you gay?
They eat, they poop, yeah that's much better.
Why are you gay?
He sounds like Columbo.
I like to, it's like a skateboard trick, I like to do a little like, like tail grab with it.
I'm like, why are you gay?
Why are you gay?
Like little fun little things.
That should be, in the future they'll have voice recognition for locks on your door.
And you don't have to take out your keys, you just have to say like, it's Gavin!
Toodaloo!
Uh, something like that.
I'm gonna make mine.
Why are you gay?
So in the future, they're gonna make you speak to open your door?
Yes.
As an option.
You can also use your key.
Oh, okay, okay, gotcha.
Or just your face, right?
Like a face recognition?
Yep.
Well, they obviously have that.
Don't you watch movies?
But I don't think it's any more futuristic to make you speak to open- that's very inconvenient.
Like, what if it's late at night, you're trying to get in your door, you're on the phone?
And then people know your password, or they could just record you and play it.
No, no, it recognizes the nuances of your voice.
Okay.
Oh, you could say anything.
Voices are very, very specific.
So you could say anything?
No, you have to choose a phrase.
That's a lame... Why are we spending so much time on this?
Sorry.
Go back to the petrified Asian.
Well, that's me.
It looks like it was a blast to be on set.
Was it difficult to maintain a hard, uh, straight face when you were working with both of them?
Maintain a hard face?
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Especially cause, well, you know, they come up with stuff.
Okay.
So we were dying to see what that guy looks like just so we could point at him and laugh.
And, uh, we went online and we found the interview.
It's on a network.
It has 500 views and it, they're called the young, not Turks, the young what?
People?
The young folks.
The young folks.
No young people call themselves folks.
Yeah.
The young folks.
So play the interview as it aired.
Now you people just getting the audio today won't be able to see this.
Watch it on your phone.
Poor young people.
Poor young people.
Bye, young people.
This looks like a lie.
Remember that Mr. Show sketch where they had a bunch of old people dressed young going, Hi, young people!
We love to rock, but we don't need to play video games all the time and have our hair in our face.
Yeah.
This looks like old people trying to make young people content.
How did you first get involved with this project?
I heard about it from Will.
Wait, that was already... So how did you first get involved with this project?
I heard about it from Will.
Why is everyone so intimidated by her?
She's like, she hasn't done much.
Is she a Nazi murderer on her spare time who runs MS-13?
Hi Linda, please don't attack my family.
She has a gun right below her waist pointed at her.
Maybe she has no bottoms on and she's sitting there with a huge cock.
And she's like, this is who I am.
I'm trans.
She's scratching it the entire time.
Yeah.
And it starts getting going up and then going down depending on the question.
And it's weird because on the one hand they want it to keep going up because that means it's a good, a good question.
But on the other hand, they don't like that.
They don't want to erect a man.
Yeah.
They don't.
So they don't want to turn them on, but they don't want to turn them off.
So it's just like, we want, we looks like a brontosaurus neck exercise.
That's the thing, it follows their words, so every time they talk, hi, how was it like in there?
Of course it's distracting.
Oh man.
Boy, that cavefe really saved the show.
I'm back now.
It sure does.
Keep playing.
Okay.
And Adam McKay, his producing partner, I was in a movie that they produced called Welcome to Me with Kristen Wiig.
And we were out one day and they were talking about this film and Jessica Elbaum, one of the producers, and they really were excited about me doing the film based on, I guess, something they saw in the other movies.
So it ended up working out, which is...
That'd be great.
Dream job.
What a boring interview.
It sounds like my sister, if I had one, just got an acting gig.
Yeah.
That was lame.
How'd you get this gig?
Oh, I worked on a different movie with them and they thought I did a good job, so now I'm on this movie.
Just luck.
Yeah, I figured.
That's exactly what I guessed.
Now, the reason that's relevant, folks at home who are too cheap to go to freespeech.tv and sign up, we just passed 10,000 subscribers.
And what's freaky deaky about that is we've only been doing this for a month, two months.
Now I know it's not going to keep going 10,000 every two months, but I don't think 20,000 is a crazy goal for one year from now.
20,000 people, that's a very decent network.
And that means I could start buying other shows.
Like what about a Roger Stone show?
Oh, I see what you're saying.
You know?
A Ryan Katz Rivera show.
Or we could get bought.
But I was thinking, wait a minute, say we get bought for the multiples in media suck.
So it would have to be something where we would... I still have to be here!
So it would have to be some crazy number and then how would I make their... Anyway, boring.
I'm boring you with economics.
So obviously that weird Asian guy who was nervous was booted and the woman who did the interview who just said perject She, I think she's just an intern.
I think she's just like a PA or something.
She's just some young girl.
They said, you know what?
You fucked up the intro four times.
You said, let's start.
So you're done.
And what about Julie?
And she gets in there and kicks ass.
Now, why am I talking about this?
Why is this relevant?
Because I have magical powers and I can see.
What happened in these situations?
You ever watch Sherlock Holmes?
The one with Robert Downey Jr.?
He sizes up a fight and he can see like the weight of the guy and the foot there and then there's a spoon over there and he knows exactly what's going to happen in the fight.
Or he can tell like a woman has a blue stain on her lip and that's because she drank Gatorade.
Yeah.
In 18.
Wow.
According to the Gatorade.
You're really good at mysteries.
You notice that my lips are blue and I drank something blue.
Yeah.
Anyway, here's what happened with that interview.
He would watch Freaks and Geeks when she was much younger, probably like 25, and he would masturbate to it.
Now, it got really bad when he would do this because he wouldn't just be like, ah, she's kind of hot.
But it was a romantic thing for him.
And there's a scene in Freaks and Geeks where she discovers the Grateful Dead.
I had to look her up because I knew I recognized her.
I thought she was maybe from the Wonder Years or something.
That's a different chick.
And one of the only videos of Freaks and Geeks and her is this scene where she was listening to the Grateful Dead, who suck, by the way.
So you're just going to hear the Grateful Dead, but the folks who have paid for the show will see her dancing around her room and lying on her bed, discovering how awesome the Grateful Dead are.
And she's very pretty.
She lies down.
She's got a little t-shirt on.
She's very girl next door.
Yes.
I find her so non-sexual.
Like, when she dresses sexy, it looks like your sister dressing up sexy.
Yeah.
You're just like, you're a very attractive young lady!
But she is, like, cool.
Like, she's got that, you'll, like, you'll develop a crush.
You might even marry her.
Exactly.
Just because it'd be cool to hang out with, and I guess I'll just put a picture of Eva Mendes on your back every time I fuck you.
Well, no, I mean, she's got something to her.
She's a sleeper.
She's I mean, it's it's weird because you have to give her a high number and freaks and geeks you have to say 7.89 yeah, but my heart's not in it.
I look at her and I feel like a gay dude Yeah, she's got a Janine.
I used to have a crush on Janine Graffalo And she's kind of she kind of hits this for me too.
No Janine has more culture this Linda's just too Lady, it's like if you drew a girl in a book.
That's how you draw a girl.
She's an Italian princess which are kind of It can be a little boring sometimes.
Ooh, I love the wops.
Yeah.
Anyway, um, so she's dancing around her room, and I, it's almost like I felt this, like I'm, I had a crystal ball, and he beat off to Freaks and Geeks, and he verbalized, I love you!
And he also said other weird things during the act.
Really?
Yeah, another one was like, he just, he was shocked to hear it himself, but he said, girlfriend.
Oh, he would actually say girlfriend while masturbating.
Yeah, because he's imagining a world with his girlfriend and he involuntarily, in the heat of the moment, the crime of magic, in the heat of the moment say, girlfriend, love you, and then towards the end he just said, love.
And he was so ashamed of that, which you should be.
Yes, dude.
If you've ever done that, you should be ashamed.
So now, did he get really lucky and just he happened to be interviewing the girl that he used to jerk off to, or did he set out?
In this path to like intercept her in life.
He was working at that place for a year and a half, knowing that they would... No, no, no, no.
Well, I don't know.
Praying.
And then he sees she's in a movie and he starts, the nervous starts right there.
And then he went to his boss and he said, Hey, while we're doing interviews, I think this Linda Cavengelli, whatever her name is, she's doing a thing for some movie, Daddy's Home.
I guess I could do it.
I mean, I'm not busy that day.
And the boss was doing something else and he goes, What?
Uh, yeah, sure.
And he goes, Oh, really?
Yeah, who are you talking about?
A girl who's in Daddy's home?
And that I used to masturbate to when she was on Freaks and Geeks?
Oh, he told him that?
No, no.
Oh, okay.
And he goes, yeah, go ahead.
Get out of my office.
And so he goes, he goes right to the bathroom and pukes.
Oh.
And then he looks in the mirror, he washes his face and he goes, this is it.
And then the imbecile starts getting in his head that this is the beginning of something wonderful.
Oh no.
And he even is a little bit bummed because he goes, I'm 32.
She's 44.
We're probably not going to have kids.
That's going to break my maomao's heart.
My Chinese mother's heart.
We could adopt.
Maybe we'll adopt from Africa.
I'm that kind of guy.
And so he's married her, he's made love to her many times, and he gets there and then he gets hit with this tsunami of reality.
No, this isn't happening.
And he feels, you know how people have pheromones and stuff?
I think women and men can tell instantly, like, I probably would fuck you if you were single.
And I think sometimes you have conversations with your eyes, and this could all be in my head, but I feel like I've talked to some woman where they're like, if I wasn't married and you weren't married, we'd probably fuck.
And we both sort of acknowledge that, like, mm-hmm.
Anyway, so, do you know how to get up to 95?
And probably in the first millisecond, he realized, what the fuck am I thinking?
She couldn't be farther out of my league, and I can smell how disgusted she is by me.
I'm a loser.
And then he said, well, I better do my job anyway, even though all my dreams were just dashed against the rocks.
And that's when we get, go back to the, go back to the interview.
And that's why he said, how do you maintain a hard on?
He was talking to himself.
That's actually an inner monologue.
Dude, that's true!
He was thinking, he had also thought, what if I take her home that night and I'm so nervous I can't maintain a hard-on?
Yes.
And he said, maintain a hard-on, maintain a hard-on, maintain a hard-on.
So then when he said maintain, just like when he beats off and he goes, love.
Right.
I accidentally went, how do you maintain a hard-on when you're with me?
What?
No, no, no.
Straight face.
I meant straight face.
You know, this also goes with the theory that she has a giant penis right out of camera view.
He's like, how do you maintain that hard-on and make it bob when I speak?
Yeah.
Well, yeah, maybe that's why he's nervous because he just realized the love of his life is a dude.
I have to hear it again.
I have to hear it again.
...talented Linda Cardellini.
You made it black and white.
Starring in the new film, Daddy's Home.
Fixing.
And is, uh, co-star- I'm sorry.
One more time, and I promise I won't do it anymore.
That was great, and I loved the enormously talented part.
I was great, right?
Sorry.
Alright, I promise I won't do it anymore.
Don't!
Do it as many times as you want.
No, yeah, I never- No, no, no, I can't take up your time.
Please, don't worry.
Alright.
Promise, last time.
I'm sitting here today with the enormously talented Linda Cardellini, who stars in a new film, Daddy's Home, opposite Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg.
Linda, thank you for being with us, and I appreciate it.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
And let's start off.
- The film looked like it was a blast. - And he leaves her these windows to talk and then jumps on it, so he's like, "Linda?" And she's like, "Yes?" No, I can't say yes, I can see you're about to say something else.
- Oh, man. - It looked like it was a blast to be on the film.
- So, what's the moral there, boys, young men?
Don't beat off.
I know this is hard for 15 year olds.
I remember those days.
It was hell, dude.
It was like a curse.
I mean, I'm down to normal now at 49.
I'm just down to like thinking about tits and asses, uh, maybe 30 times a day.
And my wife, every time I see my wife, you can tell she's, she seems like prey.
Like say a lion was friends with a hedgehog.
Yeah.
The hedgehog would always be sort of like, yeah, you okay?
Cause sometimes the lion will stare at the hedgehog and the hedgehog is like, I'm just going to go over here.
Especially if the lion hasn't eaten in a few days, the lion's hungry.
The hedgehog starts looking like it's on a plate and the lion starts walking around the house.
And if the kids are away, they never get to quite like Timon and Pumbaa and Simba levels.
Which I saw that movie yesterday by myself.
No I didn't, but with a friend, Andrea.
What?
You saw the new Lion King?
Yes, and I knew that you would react this way, so I saved it for the air.
You know what?
I used to say you have AIDS.
You are AIDS.
I'm honored.
You are a immune Autoimmune disease that devastated the gay community and killed much of New York's creative class in the 80s and 90s.
It's a homocaust.
You are a very, very horrible disease that it took us a long time to figure out.
It's a homocaust?
Why wouldn't you see that Beatles movie yesterday?
I would even make fun of you for that.
You go to kids movies, dude, on a regular basis.
I like to see remakes.
I like to see what they do with the place.
And Aladdin was bombastic.
For sure, no contest, 100%.
And now, this one fell really flat, and we're talking about the, why are you gay?
Remember that?
Well, Rafiki, in the original one, he has a line, when Simba discovers he's alive, he's like, he's alive!
He's alive!
Very animated.
Is anyone listening to this?
In this new one, he just goes, he's alive.
And then that's it.
Oh, that's a great detail.
Well, I'm glad you spent 40 bucks and eight hours of your life to figure that out.
That's awesome.
Thanks for bringing that to the table.
Alamo Draft House.
I'm trying to save men from blowing it with their dream girl.
I'm trying to save them time.
There was a different word in a different movie.
Goddammit.
Sorry.
Kids movies.
You go to kids movies, and you don't know how to sleep.
This is how you sleep.
You go to bed around midnight, 1, then you wake up at 9.
You have naps, then you can't sleep till 5, then you get up at noon.
That's what, like, if a kid moved out at 7, that's what his life would be like.
You're like a feral child.
You're a feral child.
You're like Tarzan, but without the cool swinging or talking to apes or anything.
That's horrific.
Well, I was kind of raised by... My situation is Tarzan-esque.
I was raised in a Puerto Rican household.
You have a lot of Puerto Rican characteristics which I don't like.
And I don't mean I don't like Puerto Ricans.
And some that you do like.
You're allowed to criticize cultures, right?
If you can be proud of being Puerto Rican, that means there are patterns.
You're right.
And if there are patterns, then there can be good characteristics and bad characteristics.
For example, the Irish tend to have a problem with alcohol.
Same with the Scots.
Also, the Scots tend to be cheap.
That's a bad thing about them.
I believe they overdo it.
With the cheapness.
Puerto Ricans, vibrant community, very loving families.
A little bit of a problem with infidelity, but very Christian.
God bless you.
Very close with their families.
Those are all positive traits.
Thumbs up.
However, you have a negative trait, which is self-indulgence and megalomania.
Megalomania?
Yes.
A need for fame, a need for attention.
Yes.
Nope.
Here's an example.
I like a small group of people to know me intimately.
Let me go back a step.
Please shut your mouth.
Alright.
Let me go back a step.
Graffiti is basically Puerto Rican.
I know this shocks people, they think of it as black, and technically the whole thing of tagging started with a Greek guy named Tacky, who I think was on 159th Street, so he would write Tacky 159 on everything.
That's a unique case.
Now it's been co-opted by rich white kids in Germany, in Stuttgart, doing throw-ups.
But initially, it was mostly a New York, Puerto Rican thing, and it was them coming up with their tag, Cesc or whatever, and they would put that all over town, and they would acquire fame.
Why would a young man care about fame?
Because he doesn't have a dad.
And he sees his Puerto Rican sisters and his Puerto Rican mothers reading celebrity magazines and putting up celebrity pictures on the wall.
So fame is important to him.
He also takes on other female traits like getting mani-pedis.
It's totally normal to see a Puerto Rican man getting a pedicure.
And getting a haircut every few days.
So they develop this, like, me-me-me thing, which a man usually slaps out of his son, but when there's no dad around, it doesn't get slapped out.
So Ryan yesterday, for example, heard a rumor that Aaron Burr mentioned him on his show.
Oh.
He then listens to the entire show while doing other stuff.
It was a good show, though, by the way.
He's in the bathroom, he's listening to it, waiting and waiting for the Ryan part.
No, because the Ryan part had passed.
He had mentioned it already.
So maybe megalomania isn't the right Isn't the right word, but it's sort of this infantilization Me me me attention.
It's like it's like perpetual infancy.
I just like to be seen and Recognized for the greatness that I have that's all I'm not don't don't defend yourself.
I'm just telling you a bunch of facts We're not looking for your input.
Oh Okay, so the moral of that initial story is guys don't beat off and Don't watch porn.
Direct that energy to getting chicks.
And if you're into a girl, don't, definitely don't masturbate to her, but don't be subservient like that.
Like a woman doesn't want to be the protector.
She has to feel safe around you.
So he should have come in there and commanded the scene.
Are you alright, Lynn?
You look fantastic, by the way.
You are three times prettier than you are on TV.
What do they do to you?
Do they put on ugly makeup on TV?
You're a nine on TV, but this is... I'm looking at a ten right now.
Can we get her... You want anything?
You want a... I'm fine, I'm fine.
Do you want a vodka?
You want a drink?
We got mixed drinks.
Can we get some mixed drinks in here?
I'd say that's a little too much attention, even.
You kind of just... I think you should just talk into her ear.
He only has six minutes with her.
It's his future wife.
Okay, so, thanks for coming.
Daddy's Home, looks good.
I'm gonna pretend I've seen it.
Are we rolling?
Rolling?
Yeah.
First off, what is your phone number?
That's funny.
Oh, sorry.
That's not professional, right?
I'm not being professional.
Okay.
I like you more than a friend.
I'm not sure that's very professional either.
No, let's get started.
So, working on Daddy's Home, Will Ferrell, those guys seem like hilarious dudes.
Were you laughing your head off the whole time?
Is there like a blooper reel that's even better than the movie?
And then, how do you get her out of there, after?
Out of the interview zone?
No, like, even if you're God, how do we end the interview and go, so, we're gonna go get some drinks if you wanna... That's a challenge!
Like, listen, what makes my job great is that after this, we go to this place, and we do a thing, and you should come to that thing.
Uh, no.
Oh.
I would recommend lying.
So you say, I worked with Adam McKay actually at Funny or Die.
And, uh, do you know, and then you've previously looked up some kind of producer that would be perfect for her.
Do you know Art Salisbury?
Yep.
Yes, I do.
I was actually, God, I heard he's working.
Yeah, that's my, I'm working.
Well, I'm just, I'm working with the EP, but they're doing casting now.
And I, do you want to go get a beer or something?
I'd love to talk to you about this.
Cause I have the script.
I'd say you let her know your full intentions.
Yeah.
You're like, you're not going to believe this.
I used to masturbate to you.
I used to say love.
Yeah.
Love!
Oh, really?
To me?
Was it the Grateful Dead scene?
Yeah, I'd go, my girlfriend!
Well, now I'm your girlfriend, so you don't have to say that anymore.
Why don't I put on what I wore in that Freaks and Geeks episode and dance around the room and you can masturbate right there?
He's like, no, no, no, I think it would be fair is if I dress up like you and I dance the Grateful Dead and you masturbate.
It's only fair.
One time I brought a girl home on a lie.
She wasn't that into me.
She's kind of chubby, which was insulting.
Because we were about the same.
Two sixes.
We're supposed to be perfect for each other.
And I go, I got tons of coke at home.
So she goes, all right, cool.
So we go back to my house.
And now it's time to break out all the cocaine that I have.
The tons and tons of cocaine that I own.
Guess what my plan was?
What?
I had zero plan.
I just thought, I'll be so seductive when we get there that she'll forget about the drugs.
So I get there and we're making out, and making out with a man with a mustache, if you're not used to it, it feels weird.
My whiskers go up into your nostrils and it's like you're eating out a porcupine.
It's not pleasant.
You have to be like a Russian chick whose family died.
And then you're like, I am this, a real man.
And he is a strong man and he can protect me from, from coyotes.
Too busy protecting to shave face.
I don't know why I did a Mexican accent.
This is a real man.
I am not lesbian.
I like disgusting coffee breath.
Um, but you know, relatively affluent, upper middle class New York girls.
They're like, why am I putting a Brillo pad up my nose?
So anyway, she wasn't, Totally going bananas with the necking.
So she stops and goes, where's the sugar?
I mean, I just write the story.
Where's the, where's the Coke?
And I go, okay, hang on.
I get white sugar.
That's a bad idea.
I put it in a piece of paper.
I put it in the microwave.
Why is that?
I don't know.
Cause cocaine is served hot.
This cocaine is freezing.
I want to speak to the manager.
Yeah, man, sorry.
We got your coke.
I don't know if you fucked up, but by the time it came to us, it was totally warm.
I'm sorry about that.
Next time, the blow's on us.
You said piping hot cocaine.
That's what it says on the side of your truck.
How old were you again?
Like 29.
I just moved to New York.
What?
And you put it in the... That doesn't make any sense.
No, no, no.
If you're in the tropics or anywhere humid, you put coke in the microwave.
Not that I... But not sugar.
...have ever done drugs.
Um, but no, not sugar.
No, no.
I was just trying to, like, buy time and seem weird, because I knew she was going to see it and go, what?
So then I kind of crunched it up a bit to make the granules smaller and less uniform.
And then I go, here we go.
And she goes, what?
So then we're snorting sugar.
And then making out again.
Okay, maybe she won't ask me for more.
She'll just go, yes, shitty cocaine.
But she goes, this isn't really doing anything.
And she meant both the making out and the cocaine.
I don't, I can't remember what eventually happened.
I said, I know a drug dealer, I know a guy named some gang like the Latin Kings, and so I get it before they do anything to it, so that's why it's like this.
It's totally uncut.
Ah.
Really?
Is that why you don't feel anything when you do it?
It's so pure that it's like you're just living your regular life, basically.
Yeah, I think we may have just... You gotta mix it with medicine, so that way it tastes like medicine.
Yeah.
I think we may have just gone to sleep.
Like she was, she probably sussed out that I was lying and then was turned off.
Passed out, yeah.
That I was a dick and we're both drunk and that was the end of that.
Dang.
Anyway, I haven't even started the story yet.
So the bartender, if you're going to be a female bartender, which we're not against, don't look at your fucking phone.
That's, you're doing now 50% of your job.
Serving drinks is 50%.
You're supposed to ask, how's business?
What are you doing?
No matter how boring it is.
Did you mow your lawn today?
Your shoes look kind of green.
And this woman is talkative and where there's only two of us left there.
It's late at night and her, she brings her daughter by and cute kid.
Uh, she doesn't bring her daughter by.
Her dad was babysitting, brings a daughter by.
Hi, leaves.
Cute kid, cute kid.
But you can do kind of risky jokes at bars, too.
Like, oh, that sucks, she's not cute.
That must be really depressing.
And you can say that because the kid was ridiculously cute and she had frizzy hair.
And she tells me her life story.
The most fascinating life story I've heard in a long-ass time.
So her dad is married to her.
Not to her.
Her dad's married to the mom.
The dad cheats on the mom.
The mom freaks out.
They get divorced.
He starts living with this Moroccan woman who grew up in a really shitty place in Morocco.
Then the dad stays there.
She takes the kid all the way to California, which you're not allowed to do, right?
You have to stay within a 50 mile radius, I thought.
So he takes the kid to California, the kid grows up there, the kid is the bartender by the way, grows up there in L.A.
and as she becomes like a teenager, there's a big heroin scene in L.A.
which my theory is the problem with L.A.
is so many people are in the movie industry and with the movie industry you work your ass off 12 hours a day for 8 weeks and then you don't do shit for 3 weeks.
So it's not normal.
It's not natural.
People need a routine.
And so, they're just sitting around.
And when you're sitting around, you become a brutal alcoholic.
Because why not have a Maker's at 9am?
You're going to be home all day anyway.
You can't drive.
So I'll just lay around in the pool, like I'm in Guns N' Roses, and drink out of the bottle.
So the the heroin scene in LA is thriving right now and the Oxycontin Opioid scene is of course thriving so you have young people doing smack shooting up and you have old people doing oxy in pills so the mom ODs and I said to her is it possible that she never got over the infidelity and she goes yeah, it's likely well and So infidelity kills apparently.
Divorce is a huge deal.
A lot of my friends seem to be getting divorced right now in the 40s.
It comes in waves.
There was an early marriage wave in my 20s when all my friends realized they made a mistake like four years in.
And now there's a kids or my kids age kind of another wave going on.
And in each case I find they don't realize how consequential it is.
What do you think that is?
Why?
Do people have more of a demand for... They think that they want a perfect person?
Because it seems like there's so many people out there and it's so easy to access new people that you're like, this one isn't quite right.
Instead of dealing with, this is who I got.
My wife is my type.
And I have a very particular type.
So every time I see her, I go, oh, there's my type.
Like, it's fun to look at her face.
Yeah, yeah.
But maybe you change types, or you're just sick of fucking her.
But then go buy some lingerie or something.
Do different moves.
One theory I had a long time ago is a man has to be in control, and a woman feels beholden to him.
He's the patriarch of the house.
But then when her dad dies, she'll get anywhere from like $100,000 to $3 million.
And now she doesn't need the husband anymore.
Oh shit.
So he, it changes their whole dynamic.
Or a third theory is woman's libido drops drastically with menopause.
Or those two could be combined.
So she's lying under the guy going, why am I fucking this dude?
I can buy this whole house.
Right.
It's that greed.
What?
It's greed.
No, I'm not.
No, I'm not saying that.
I'm saying more.
It's, it's deeply ingrained psychic stuff.
Like I don't need anybody anymore.
Like cave stuff.
A man loses his attraction when the woman makes more money.
Like you're not going to tell me a stay at home dad ever gets blown.
Like a woman is an executive with Merrill Lynch making 3 million a year and she comes home after a hard day's work, kicks off her heels and he's there in a bathroom going, wouldn't mind a beach.
Right.
Uh, no.
Her value has exceeded her.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She would be like Linda, what's her name in that Asian wanker?
Cardanello or something.
So her mom ODs and at the funeral she finds out she's pregnant with this junkie's baby and they both go to rehab.
And get better.
And, uh, I don't know if she was a junkie actually, but she was around that.
And, uh, he goes to rehab, comes out.
He goes, all right, let's start our life.
And then she comes home and he's screwing someone else and shooting heroin.
So she comes to New York and reunites with her dad who's having another affair.
Jeez.
Crazy shit.
And I'm sitting there going, and the guy next to me was like, I don't really like gossip.
I'm not a gossiper.
And I go, I'm going to convert you tonight to this art form because it is scientific.
It's not a science.
It's an art.
It's scientifically artistic.
And you get it out of people, you know.
You get them talking, there's a woman in the Scottish sitcom Still Game named Issa, and there's a scene in it, you probably won't be able to find it, where the bartender, Gavin, has a secret.
And he goes, I'm sorry Isa, I can't tell you.
And she goes, all right, well, let's get settled then.
And she gets her wee drum down on the table and she orders a drink for Gavin and she just sits there interrogating him and getting it out of him.
And you see him, they come back a few scenes later and he's just drenched with sweat and he's told her everything.
Do you think he could find that?
I'm looking, doesn't... Isa, Gavin, the Klansman.
Issa the Klansman?
No, it's not the KKK.
A Scottish Klan.
So the bar they're at is called the Klansman.
It'd be funny trying to open that in New York.
Welcome to the Klansman.
Oh, the actor's name is Gavin.
Shut up, Dick.
For the millionth time, it's Bobby.
Bobby.
Yeah, look up, go back.
Sorry, I got the actor's name, the actor's name's Gavin, the character's name's Bobby.
So go Issa Bobby, still game.
Every time I get homesick when I see Scotland, I just remember, oh yeah, it's raining out.
What's this one now?
Skip ahead.
No, give yourself peace.
It'll be a good laugh.
Where's Issa?
This is really boring for people listening to the audio.
This looks to be a Scottish show.
No, it's the right show, but I don't see Issa.
Did you type in Issa?
There she is, there she is.
She's the best.
I know the Godfather, but I knew it was you, Fredo.
Bang, boom, deed, shite.
Aye, they're buying your drink for you now.
That's a new low even for you two.
Shut your hole, Bobie.
We're doing her a favour.
Jaws!
No, big stupid rubber shark.
Garbage!
What are you doing for her?
Painting and decorating.
You know what's really weird is that that's English.
I don't understand every word they're saying, if you will.
It's easier to learn an actual language with different words than it is to try to sound that way, which is English.
You know what I mean?
Don't ever do a Scottish accent.
Speaking of Scottish people, let's check in with Kathy Zoo.
I think we do have her on the list.
On the Zoo Report.
Kathy Zoo, that's her nickname.
She's worked with tigers, giraffes, zebras, and she's a vegan.
No, she's a MAGA chick who was Miss Milwaukee.
They found out that she loves Trump and she said, not controversial, but conservative things.
And just like they stripped her of her sorority, they stripped her of her title as Miss Milwaukee.
Because you're ugly if you like Trump.
Kathy, are you there?
Yes, I am.
You know, I'm looking at you now and you look very pretty, but if I disagree with you, your beauty goes away.
Beauty is very fleeting like that.
So you're, you're all over the news.
How did you feel when you first got the news that you were no longer a beauty?
What was it?
Miss Michigan?
Correct.
How did you feel when you got the news?
How did the exactly, did they present you to the news?
Was it a letter?
So the state director texted me, actually, out of nowhere, and she said, hey, we have a problem.
And I said, what's the problem?
She just said, we just had a problem.
So this conversation went on for about like 20 minutes straight of her not telling me what the issue was.
And then she finally told me what the issue was.
She said, I'm racist, Islamophobic because of my Twitter accounts.
And then two hours later, they sent me an email saying that I was no longer able to participate.
And there's no appealing it, of course.
No, not at all.
Yeah, I've gotten that phone call a hundred times, whether it's being fired or banned or a show being cancelled or a summer rental getting cancelled, and they always have this big preamble and you think, if there's nothing I can do to appeal it, then let's just get it over with here.
Why are we wasting our time discussing anything?
No, exactly.
And they gave me no time or chance to explain my side of the story.
No.
Yeah, they've already made the decision when they called you.
And I don't watch beauty pageants, but when you were doing that thing, was there that thing where they ask you questions about, you know, starving children and recycling or whatever?
So Miss World organization is actually pretty new in the U.S.
In recent years, they only appointed people from the U.S.
to compete in other countries.
It's the oldest pageant in the world, actually, so it's very popular in other countries.
But this time around, They did the application online, and we had to do a video submission, we had to give them a resume, volunteer hours, and an interview.
So there wasn't really a question part, but that would have been in the Nationals, where I wasn't able to compete in.
I mean, I can sort of see their argument.
Say they make you Miss Michigan, you're representing Michigan, and you said something like, Somalians need to all go back to where they came from.
Now, that pageant is representing that thing.
It's sort of like if a sports star starts doing crack, and they go, kids are looking up to you, you're now making the MLB look like we advocate crack.
But your transgressions were talking about black-on-black crime, right?
Yeah, so actually I told them that my official statement as the Miss Michigan would be to advocate for free speech, advocate for empowerment of women's voices, no matter if they're on the left or the right.
So it's kind of ironic how they, you know, stripped me of my title for saying that.
And the thing I'm always confused by that black-on-black thing is why are we not allowed to talk about that?
We don't want black people dying.
It's up to almost 20 a day murdered with illegal guns over this stupid drug war.
I don't know how you feel about the drug war.
But all of these issues, I think it's pretty left-wing.
To be against the drug war and the incarceration and the 20 dead black men a day.
Why would you rather talk about the one controversial shooting with Trayvon or something and not the 20 that happened that very same day?
Yeah, exactly.
And they completely also took out my tweet on context because I was actually replying to another person.
And this person that day on her profile, she was tweeting a lot about how cops kill black people, how they're so, you know, all of them are innocent that they killed.
And, um, that we sh- that cops are pigs.
And I got frustrated and I quoted one of her tweets and I said, Hey, you know, the majority of black on black violence is caused by, I mean, the majority of black deaths are caused by other blacks.
And apparently that's racist, even though it's statistics, it could be found on the FBI's website.
So it's really ridiculous how they're stripping, you know, me of my title.
But it's a pro black thing.
You're trying to save black lives.
And you know, what drives me nuts about the whole cop thing too, is you're, you're depicting an America where cops are just hunting blacks for sport.
Well, looky there!
There's one going to buy something to eat!
Now, when you put that in a young black man's head, he goes, well, what's the use of living?
I'm going to get shot pegged off while I go to get something to eat.
And then he's in a confrontation with a cop.
Maybe guns are involved.
And he thinks, well, I'm dying anyway.
There's this video we always show on the show where this guy, he's being chased by the cops.
His car hits another car.
He comes out and he gets out of the car.
He doesn't put his hands up.
He just starts going.
At the cops and they shoot him dead.
Now, I can't read his mind, but how much of that death by cop suicide was predicated on the assumption that he's dead anyway?
Because we live in a racist America.
You know, I think that it's so sad how the left has to put this story in a lot of black people's minds that they are the victim.
You know, you can't be successful because you're black.
And that's so ridiculous.
I mean, we have to empower black people to do what they want.
I mean, this is America.
You know, we have the American dream.
Anyone could achieve this American dream.
It's not just white people.
So, you know, for me to see that and for me to be called a racist for trying to bring a statistic out from the FBS website to light, and it's just, I feel hurt because they're not even letting me talk about this.
It's funny that their narrative puts more black people in danger.
We promote free speech so we can counter the narrative and say, no, actually cops are not hunting black people.
Don't go shooting at them if you're involved in a crime.
And let's get into this 20 dead a day.
We don't, we want them to stop dying.
How can we do that?
And they say, no, you may not say any of that.
So in their world, more people die.
It's kind of the difference between communism and capitalism, right?
Do you know what I mean?
No, yeah, I agree completely.
Yeah, so, you know... Because in communism, sorry to interrupt, but in communism they say, just to elaborate a bit, in communism they say, I know how it's gonna work, alright, so I will handle who gets food, who does this, who's worth living, who isn't worth living, and you end up with Mao's Great Leap Forward with 80 million dead.
In our world, where we say everyone talks, myths get busted, blacks can be free, the drug war is over, and we have more saved lives.
Yeah, so no, I completely agree.
And the problem with the left is that because these statistics are, I guess, racist, they think that we're just trying to say this because, you know, to benefit white people, which is completely wrong.
They think that just because A statistic is too sensitive to talk about, because it is a sensitive subject.
The deaths of black people, it is really sensitive.
If this was happening to the white community, or the Asian community, or the Hispanic community, I would still say the exact same thing.
I would still say, hey, we should probably fix this ongoing problem.
Yeah, and African immigrants from Africa do better than whites, generally, in this country.
They're a more successful ethnic minority.
You know, there's no correlation between black deaths, white deaths, and the police.
So...
Yeah.
And African immigrants from Africa do better than whites, generally, in this country.
They're a more successful ethnic minority.
You're an immigrant from China, right?
Correct.
That would be embarrassing if you weren't, and I said that.
If your great-great-great-great-grandfather came over here as a coolie or something, and you're like fifth-generation American, hey, you must be from China, right, Kanthazoo?
You must have just got in off the boat, right?
No, but we talked about that before, and it's funny that your family came here from an oppressive communist society, you fall in love with Western values and free speech, and you're in a beauty pageant and the American Way says, you're beautiful, we're so happy you're here, we love you, yay, you're rocking, and then you say, I love free speech in America and I'm worried about deaths, and they go, you're fired.
Get out of here.
Yeah, it's so ridiculous.
I mean, their whole platform is that, hey, we have to really let women talk.
You know, feminism, right?
We have to advocate for women's voices.
But then as soon as we say something that they disagree or they don't like or it's too inflammatory or sensitive, then we're not allowed to talk about it.
If we don't talk about the sensitive subjects right now, when are we ever going to talk about it?
When are we ever going to fix it?
When are we ever going to solve it?
So it's just ridiculous.
It's nuts.
Maybe they thought you were getting homesick and they wanted to give you a little dose of communist depression.
Yeah, for real.
I'm glad you mentioned feminism because your other tweet was criticizing the hijab and saying that it oppresses women.
And the usual Muslim defense for that is that they choose to.
But the obvious retort to that retort is, well, what happens when they choose not to?
Like, what happens to Ilhan Omar when she lets her freak flag fly and just has her hair all out all over the place?
How does her community respond to that?
See, the problem for me is that I don't even have a problem with this Islam or Muslim community.
The problem I have is that we're so focused on the Muslims in Western society that we completely diminish and devalue the Muslims who are actually being oppressed in Muslim countries by the government.
So, I mean, two years ago in Saudi Arabia, women were just allowed to drive.
Like, are we not talking about that?
Do we not mention that at all just because we're fine in the U.S.?
Like, I'm so glad that the U.S.
is able to have Freedom of religion, freedom of speech, and this is why people are allowed to have whatever religion they want to.
But let's talk about the actual problems in other countries too.
Yeah.
I probably am more radical when it comes to Islam than you, but I think the burqa is oppressive.
And my mom brought up a great point.
She goes, if it's just about religious freedom and not sexualizing women, why isn't it like a fun flowing white cotton?
Why is it black polyester in a country where 110 degrees is perfectly normal?
You're clearly trying to make her suffer.
And it's funny how feminism has embraced that.
We had Linda Sarsour at the Women's March saying no pro-lifers around.
Muslims are pro-life.
You can't have an abortion in Islam.
Sharia doesn't include abortion.
So I don't get the disconnect.
Is it all just fashion?
Yeah, this is why I tweeted, is it just a fashion accessory?
Because, you know, this tweet was actually in relation to how I was basically asked to try on a hijab for World Hijab Day, whatever that is, at my old university in Florida.
And I said, no, I decline, I don't want to wear it, it's not my religion, I have to go to class anyway, I'm late.
And I tweeted about it, and then people started saying, wow, you're so Islamophobic because you don't want to try on a garment that isn't even your religion.
Do I have the freedom to say as a woman that I don't want to try something on?
Am I being oppressed because you want to put something on me and I don't want to try it on?
I'm not sure Islam wants you to do that.
Doesn't that violate the rules?
You know, in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, where I just moved from, the Hasidic Jews will have this big fur hat, and they wear, like, stockings and stuff, and have the peyas with the belt with the strings.
I think if I put that on, I would get attacked.
I mean, aren't you blaspheming the religion when you put on its accoutrements?
Exactly.
I mean, for example, like, you don't see, like, try on a Catholic rosary day at my school.
Like, why is it just that, you know, Islam gets the attention and then Christians and Catholics get criticized every time they say something Christian-related?
I thought it was cultural appropriation.
It's blackface.
It's wrong.
Yeah, I don't know.
So, how old were these tweets that you made that made you unpretty?
They were probably a year or so old, so it's really old.
Okay, so that gets suspicious, my dear.
Now I'm starting to think that there's some money, some force, someone in there going, uh-oh, she's making a MAGA hat.
Cool.
She might be red-pilling someone.
Comb through her Twitter, see what you can find, and then contact the beauty pageant people.
Yeah, so it's, it's, you know, I got crowned on Wednesday, my title got stripped the next day.
So it's like, you know, why?
I gave you, I gave them all of my Twitter handles, my Instagram handles, my social media handles, and somehow they didn't look through it before they crowned me.
And then somehow a day later, you took away my crown because you saw something on my Twitter account, which is a year old.
It's like, I don't even know what's happening.
I know what's happening.
They got bombarded by someone with money and definitely time who didn't want you making MAGA look good because that's bad for them for Trump in 2020.
So we have to, we have to ban, censor.
I mean, it happened to me.
We're in the same boat in this where we're, we're likable and that means red pills and that's bad for them in 2020.
This is, this is a bizarre political trend where women are no longer beautiful.
Yeah, sadly, just for expressing your opinions.
It's insane.
It reminds me, my dad is incredibly cheap and we were on vacation once and I bought this really nice steak.
It was like 50 bucks and he's like, oh my god, this is delicious!
And I go, you know that steak costs a hundred dollars?
And he just goes...
And the meat fell out of his mouth.
It turned to shit in his mouth because he's so cheap that he can't enjoy something that's a hundred bucks.
So we can have Miss Michigan, this beautiful woman, and then the second we find out that she's maggot or the second we get nagged by some globalist group.
I don't know who the hell combed through your Twitter, but something fishy is going on.
And the second they say that, she's hideous.
Get her out of here.
I really would love to get to the bottom of this and find out who was behind the swarm of bees that attacked them for liking you.
Yeah, no, I agree completely.
I have no idea.
You know, to my knowledge, I feel like someone emailed them who already followed me, maybe, who despised me and wanted me to not be successful in anything.
I mean, this happened.
For me about four months ago where I got kicked out of my sorority because I was not I was a conservative and they were saying your tweets are so bad and You're you're racist.
You're Islamophobic same thing and I got kicked out.
So it's just a war on conservative women now It's bizarre.
And I think what happens is all of this helps Trump because they go we are living in a clown world This is totally unhinged We need to correct the ship Yeah, and it's funny because everyone who's calling me racist, the liberals who call me racist, they're using racial slurs against me.
So there was one person saying, wow, you're so racist, you ching-chong bitch, and I'm like, oh, wow, so exactly what you're referring me to.
It's so ridiculous.
Well, the good news is if this keeps going and keeps getting worse and we get more socialism, more communism, more tyranny, more censorship, you can always go back to China and be free.
Yeah, right?
Keep hopscotching around the world as countries fall apart.
Cathy, thanks for coming on the show.
What happened to you is incredible.
It must have been really depressing for that to happen to you, but you must see all the support you're getting now.
Everyone is outraged by this.
Yeah, no, I completely agree.
And I'm so glad that I got the support from everyone.
And this, you know, it was a negative thing at first for me, but then now it's changed into a really positive thing where I'm now more empowered to raise my voice and to talk about conservatism.
And it's been good.
Beautiful.
And you're beautiful.
And thank you for coming on the show.
Thank you for having me.
See ya.
See you.
Nice.
Can you imagine listening to John Mayer just on your own?
That's what you did?
I've done it.
You've done that?
Listen to John Mayer?
Yeah.
Yeah, I used to be, I used to care about guitar more and he's a guitar player that's pretty good.
Oh my god.
Every time I come up with a ridiculous scenario that's unfathomable, it's just you.
Can you imagine going to a children's movie on a regular basis?
Can you imagine combing through hours of shows because you heard someone mention your name once?
It's one hour and I listened past that point because it's a funny show.
Aaron Berg and Gino Biscanti.
Right now, we've got a special deal for our listeners.
Visit bluechew.com and get your first shipment free when you use special promo code GAVIN.
Just pay the $5 shipping.
B-L-U-E-C-H-E-W dot com.
Promo code GAVIN to try it for free.
Blue Chew is a little blue pill that has the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis.
I know you don't have erectile dysfunction, but We all do, at least once a year.
So why not have this Bluetooth ready to go in your wallet, by your nightstand.
It's ready for emergencies.
I think you're insane not to do this.
It's five bucks, just the shipping, and you get this, this emergency there.
And I've also noticed, by the way, that as we get to our later years, it's not exactly The same wood you got when you were 14.
It's fun to try out wood once in a while.
What were you going to say?
What did you just say?
It's fun to try out wood every once in a while.
Yeah.
You know, it's fun to try out intercourse with your penis so erect that it feels like a piece of wood is what I was getting at.
Um, so, Whether you need this or not, I don't understand why you wouldn't have it as a back, as a backup.
Because, say, hypothetically, this Asian dude at the beginning of the show, say, Linda Cavanagnelli, what the hell's her name?
One thing about Americans is they know all the actors' names.
Cardinelli.
Cardinelli.
Every American I met, they can just name everyone in The Godfather.
They'll have some guy, old dude doing a commercial, you know, on a cheap station because his career is over, and they'll know who he is, exactly what he was in.
Oh, that's the guy from Matlock.
But say she was looking for really nervous Asian dudes who are losers because it reminded her of some ex-boyfriend and he walked in right when that happened.
He might have got her home.
Now everything is riding on that night.
Everything!
And if he doesn't perform then she goes, oh I guess he's not that into me.
Poof!
You just lost your dream.
Now, if they could end up together, maybe she can still have kids, then they have kids, now he has another 40 years of his life that are just pure, absolute bliss.
Why?
Because he was on and ready to go that first night.
Because he spent five bucks for Blue Chew.
And by the way, those kids go on to have kids, and then those kids go on to have kids.
So Blue Chew could save, create millions of lives.
No, save millions of lives.
Because without it, those kids don't exist.
That's murder.
So wait a minute, not getting, not going to B-L-U-E-C-H-E-W dot com, BlueChew dot com, and using the promo code Gavin, is tantamount to genocide.
By you not spending $5, you are murdering millions of people.
In other words, you're worse than Hitler.
If you love Hitler, then don't go there.
We don't need your money.
But if you think Hitler was a jerk, you may want to check out BlueChew.com.
That's their logo.
It's the boner.
I'm already mumbling up my words and forgetting what I'm talking about.
Should we try taking some calls on what we like to call the worst talk show on earth?
Welcome back to the worst talk show on earth where we screw up calls, have horrible delays, and can't speak to the people who are trying to speak to us.
Correct.
Should you put the number up on the screen?
Yes, the number is 718, and I'll get it visually.
718-400-6959, that number again.
1718-400-6959.
And there's a 69 in that number, which the last thing you want to do is try to start a 69 if you're having erectile dysfunction.
Very good.
You can't even see what's going on down there.
So it's all up to him.
He's on his own.
69 is sort of like your penis moving out of the house.
And you're like, well, kid, I'll probably see you in about eight minutes, but, um, peace.
I've got stuff to do.
And then he comes back after he's like, how'd I do?
And you were like, you were awesome.
Probably.
I don't know.
I was focused on something else entirely.
We got a call from, uh, Steve, let me say something, folks, callers.
Because this talk show is so terrible and this software is such a nightmare, do all your talking, blah, blah, blah.
We're not going to have a back and forth like Ryan and I. So just get it all out, and then I'll respond.
Yes.
Steve, are you there?
He is in a second.
Steve, can you hear us, sir?
Yes.
This is Stephen.
Stephen, that's right.
Sorry.
Yeah, so I just wanted to say something about public education.
I'm just going to get it all out.
Yep, go ahead.
The Commissioner of Education, our very first one, wrote a book called The Philosophy of Education, and he writes that the public school system must alienate children from their own natures, from their parents,
From their cultures, from their religion, by directly indoctrinating inexperienced young minds under the total control of royal hirelings called school teachers, and to psychologically conditioned students to give unquestioning obedience to politicians alone.
He was inspired by Johann Fick, which was the philosopher who made the Prussian model, so basically create drones who make good soldiers, and one generation of that turns you into kamikaze bombers, literally.
So, one point before I get off here, also, I wanted to mention that we didn't start slavery, we ended it.
You like to say that a lot.
The reason why Britain ended slavery first is because they discovered first that wage slaves are free in name only, they are cheaper to exploit, work much harder than regular slaves.
And so the failing of the education system It's not It's not failing.
It's doing exactly what it's designed to do Thanks for calling, dude So we've got two things there Why don't people always have two things to say when they get a quick you've noticed that like it talks.
They say hi.
Mr. Shapiro Hi, Ben.
Thanks for coming.
My question is in two parts first I guess because they don't get a chance to talk so they got to get it all.
Yeah I That's fascinating that the man who started our public education in America was all about indoctrination, but I don't think that kind of an initial plan would have the longevity to last till now.
No matter what he set out for, there's going to be something else organically that happens that would obliterate his immediate intentions.
No, he's not God.
He's not parting the seas.
I think the reason that they are so left-wing is because the teachers' unions Are the most powerful unions in the country more power and then they have more influence on the right and the left than any other lobby in Capitol Hill and when you have an omnipotent union like that that just keeps getting paid and these teachers get great salaries despite what they tell you and the unions are skimming a little off of every single teacher you can't not be in the union which is communism And they keep scraping up that money.
And what do you do when you're in union?
You push union politics on your teachers.
And the next thing you know, they're Marxists.
They're socialists.
That's what a union is, right?
It's pro-socialist.
So, the union...
Which is created by the teachers, then uses that power to brainwash the teachers and say, union, union, union.
Sort of like the way you see these ironworkers in Manhattan going with pro-Hillary signs.
They look so fucking ridiculous.
These big, tough ironworkers and boilermakers and piping guys, pipefitters, sorry, with these signs that say, go Hillary, you can do it!
And I'm like, I know you hate her, asshole.
And the rest of her, too.
Yeah, the Union ends up using the members like puppets.
And these puppets parrot Marxist doctrine.
And so what happens in the classroom?
The same shit.
They parrot that to the kids.
And Marxist doctrines aren't just pro-Union.
They're also anti-Western, anti-capitalism, anti-American, anti-male, anti-patriarchy, anti-Christian.
And the next thing you know, your kids are getting brainwashed by far left radicals.
That's what Antifa is in New York.
They're all academics.
So this is why I think school just should be abolished.
It's done.
It's irreparable.
Charter schools are hopeful, but as far as college goes, what could you possibly learn in college that you can't learn on your computer?
Order the syllabus, buy the book and nothing.
Gives you information, modern information like interning.
You could take a course to do Ryan's job at some dumb tech college where all their equipment is old and they haven't used it and no one in the real world uses it anymore but they can't throw it away because it's too valuable.
The system changes too fast for college these days.
Like you go to, say you went into film school to learn horror movies two years ago and you were making monsters.
They go, no, it's all CGI now.
Well, I'm trying to learn how to make a werewolf.
No, that's all done in CGI.
And then the next year they're doing even more high tech stuff and so on and so on.
You'd only work, you'd only learn this interning at a movie place.
So to answer your question, sir, I'm disgusted that the guy said that about indoctrination, but I blame the modern unions for ruining the schools.
And I think charter schools, anti-union charter schools are the only hope for our kids.
And as far as secondary education, I say abolish it.
And what was his second point?
I don't remember.
You're great.
You're a huge help.
Okay, next caller.
All right, Andrew says Nirvana ripped off Depeche Mode.
Andrew, are you there, sir?
Yeah, that's right.
You know, you were talking about, you know, songs that may or may not be ripoffs of other songs.
I have always thought that Nirvana's All Apologies, the opening part, sounds a lot like Strange Love by Depeche Mode.
Alright, thanks for calling.
Let's look it up right now.
Strange Love by Depeche Mode.
Who I have a feeling might be gay.
No way!
Yeah!
I've got a really good gaydar and sometimes when I see them I get slightly gayish vibes.
I don't know man.
No?
You don't see it?
I see, you know... What about the part where he goes, people are people so don't beat up fags.
He says that?
Yeah.
Oh.
Here's All Apologies.
Now this is the acoustic version.
It's actually better to have the acoustic version.
Because the notes are more clear.
Okay.
Got it?
I don't know color.
down down down down down down down down down down down down down got it I don't know color no sorry you know I remember there's a black chick who had a hit out last year This is gonna bore everyone and waste their time.
No.
But, uh... But let's continue.
But it was, uh... Pink is the color of doo.
It's the doo-dee-doo-doo.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
That does not sound familiar to me.
Sh... Uh... Who is it now?
Pink is the doo-bee-dee-doo.
She's black.
Black artist.
Oh, God.
I'm looking up black artist.
Yeah, that's... But it's anyway, it's a total ripoff of Yaz.
I'll find that for next show.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh, are we in trouble?
Stephen says, uh, I'd like to rebut because Gavin got it all wrong and I'd like to elaborate on one thing.
All right, let's welcome him back to the show.
Steven, you're back, sir.
Yeah, thanks.
Um...
This wasn't just back in the early 1900s.
This has been a continuing theme throughout government public education.
Yeah, and I think it comes from the unions.
I mean, union is basically the Are you walking through a haunted house?
No, look, we got your point.
You don't get two calls.
are together in this, and it helps perpetuate that.
That's correct.
Are you walking through a haunted house?
No, look, we got your point.
You don't get two calls.
I thought you were the Depeche Mode guy calling back.
Oh.
Steve, I'm sorry.
Plus, you walk like Lurch in the Addams Family.
Okay, hang up.
Sorry, Steve.
I found the song.
So, look up Yaz.
Okay.
Right?
They had one hit.
Situation?
Is that it?
I don't know.
This one I'm really confident about.
Oh, they're called Yazoo.
Yeah, it's Situation.
No, it's Only You.
It's Only You.
Oh.
Let me just be sure.
Yeah, that's it.
Okay.
So, Yaz, Only You, and then Janelle Monae, Pink.
Oh, I know Janelle.
This is what a fag I am.
How come when they're framing me for hate speech, they don't include parts like that?
Right.
They'll just say he used the word fag.
Okay, go back to the beginning.
This woman suffered brutal mental illness problems.
I'm Susan Nutt.
Shhh.
Okay, we got it.
Now let's do Janelle Monae, modern pop star, with Pink.
Another one of these stupid movies.
- Please. - Fucking crazy intro. - 35 seconds and it starts. - Wow. - Baby, pink behind all of the doors.
That's very, very there.
Yeah.
It's cultural appropriation.
This is black people stealing from white culture.
Yes.
This is so typical of pop music.
Let's go to the next call.
Okay, Andre, would you rather Hey Andre, would you rather- Yo, can you hear me?
Yeah dawg, what's up bro?
Alright, so Gavin, would you rather be fucked by like a very very butch, like gross butch lesbian, like she's fucking you and you hate it and you're kinda scared and you don't know When it's gonna end, would you rather do that or would you rather eat out a good-looking gay man's ass and have him also eat out your ass?
Was the first one a ugly woman?
Butch lesbian.
Yeah, like an ugly, gross, like the grossest, dirtiest, bushiest lesbian you can think of.
And how is she?
Is she pegging me with a strap-on?
No, she's like, you're like on your back and you're using your dick, but she's like fucking you.
Okay.
You're just taking it.
Let me ask you something.
Are you gay, sir?
No, not gay.
I'm just like, I'm from California, so it's like kind of a thing.
Oh, okay.
You're LA straight.
No, I'm San Francisco straight.
Nice.
Um, that's an easy one, sir.
I would much rather be with the ugly chick.
The thing you have to understand about all of these is it's going to haunt you forever.
Like we used to have this thing.
How much would you have to be paid to be raped by a homeless man?
And I brought that up at a big dinner with Ann Coulter, by the way, once.
She was really mad at me because, you know, I was with all her classy smart friends and I'm presenting that whole thing to the table and then not stopping to talk about it.
I talked about it non-stop, sorry.
But say it's like, the way I work it out, it was like $13 million and you give $7 million to charity.
But when you're swimming in your indoor pool in your seven million dollar mansion, people, your friends come over, they go, this place is awesome!
You got that from your stupid vidcast thing?
You go, no, I, uh, had sex with a homeless man.
Like it, you're now in the rape house.
So it's, it's what happens after.
You're not down with like a good, you wouldn't be down with like a good looking, like, like say like you wouldn't, you would rather fuck a gross, dirty, Yes.
I think you might be gay.
If that's even a maybe for you.
you because you're walking down the street next week and you're like I had sex with a man.
That's not sex.
It's just eating him out.
Thanks, dude.
Thanks, buddy.
That's maybe a new t-shirt for us.
Just eating a dude.
It's not sex if you're just eating a dude's ass.
All right, 25 hottest women in the world.
Hey, James.
Wait, oh, sorry.
James?
We're ready, James.
Would you like to talk about the 25 hottest women in the world?
Yes, you're on, sir.
Yeah, Gavin.
When are we going to get an update to that?
Plus, I have a chick from Fox News.
I think her name's Lauren Fisher.
She's a redhead.
It's F-I-S-H-R.
And then also, I want to know what your take is on the Mueller report.
How frustrating was that?
The guy didn't, it didn't even seem like he wrote the report or even worked on it.
I was so infuriated that, what was it, $40 million went to that?
I mean, oh my god, it was... He wouldn't even quote from it.
He refused to acknowledge what was in it, and he obviously wants to stay out of jail, but one of the most fascinating takeaways for me, of many, was that he refused to deny That they leaked the information to CNN.
The fact that that story died on the vine and was not pursued is a perfect example of how journalism is dead.
CNN had a crew, a news crew, in front of Roger Stone's house one hour Before the FBI, the CIA, the SWAT all showed up to take him out Bin Laden style.
One hour!
And the explanation for this wasn't that we were tipped off, but that I had a hunch.
So I flew down from Washington DC to Palm Springs and did a stakeout.
Now you can talk to people in the detective industry, private detectives, ask them what a typical stakeout is.
Especially for a wild hunch like Roger Stone's probably going to get arrested soon.
Maybe a week.
I might believe a week.
One hour.
Boom.
So, and then I remember watching the news that day and everyone on CNN was bragging.
They're going, our intrepid reporter, and it's some stupid 23 year old kid.
Like it's not someone who's ever done this before.
It's a child.
And his other, the cameraman was like another 23 year old, probably because they thought these guys might get shot.
Let's just send some losers down there.
So these two little children go down there and bust the story of the century.
And no one looks into it, no doubt.
And CNN has the arrogance to brag that we just have some great reporters who really got their ear to the ground.
And when Mueller was asked about it yesterday, he refused to deny that he tipped off CNN.
The FBI tipped off CNN.
And why is that such a big deal?
Because it shows that the media And the DNC and the Swamp are all colluding.
You're looking for collusion?
There, we just found it.
They are using the media as a tool to further their gains.
That's called propaganda.
That's Soviet.
That's the East, not the West.
That's un-American.
The fact that CNN was tipped off is a very disturbing indication that we are drifting into socialism.
Damn!
Here's that chick by the way.
That's not that chick, you tard.
That's not her?
Lauren Fisher?
Yeah, that's a woman who is a professional athlete who also appears on Fox News.
Look up Lauren Fisher, Fox News.
Why would you look up a common name like Lauren Fisher and see her in workout gear and assume you had the right one?
You really are brain damaged.
I didn't hear that part.
Well, that's even bad that you didn't hear that part.
I'm not putting her on the list, my friend.
Sorry.
This list, by the way, is getting constricted.
We are cutting way down.
It's way too big.
25 is too big of a number.
Oh, she's pretty hot there.
I wonder what it's like being married to a redhead.
I hear they're insatiable.
That would be cool, huh?
Living with a woman with a gay's libido.
And I think they're absolute savages.
I don't think I've ever had sex with a redhead.
Well, I must have.
But an authentic one?
Not really my type.
Okay, next.
Do we have a ton of calls?
We gotta get going here.
We got about seven or so.
Oh, shit.
I don't think we're gonna get to all those.
That guy who couldn't get through last week, that was the guy who kept calling back about education?
I don't think so.
Did that guy show up?
We should get him on first.
The education guy?
No, he already came in.
I know!
I'm talking about the guy who didn't get on the show last week!
I don't think that was him.
Uh, Bernie, free speech.
Okay.
Okay, Bernie, free speech.
Mr. McInnes.
Hi.
Mr. McInnes, how can you purport to be a proponent of freedom of speech that is a human right, yet you charge An exorbitant amount for your website.
It's a human right.
It should not be for the top 1% of the 1%.
Thank you.
Well, this is actually Bernie.
That was actually Bernie Sanders.
That was Bernie Sanders calling into the show.
Wow.
That's amazing.
See, we have an incredible reach.
Um, I don't know.
I got to pay the bills.
I've been kicked off of every other platform.
Uh, and I had to build this platform.
It wasn't cheap.
I had to build the website.
We're almost done the app.
But, uh, I guess in today's society, free speech is not free.
Damn.
Now that's what's ups.
All right, we're gonna go.
I'm gonna go visit, I just, that made me think of a good bit.
When we visit Tommy Robinson in prison, I'm gonna show up and go, I'm here for my free Tommy Robinson.
I saw it was going all over posters everywhere saying free Tommy Robinson, so I hear this is where he is.
He's out, I'm here to pick up my free Tommy.
No, not funny.
Do you get it?
I'm doing things, I'm sorry.
Like free Reese's Pieces and... Oh, gotcha!
There's a free Tommy.
How do I redeem my Tommy exactly?
No, you're making it worse.
Okay.
You're gonna hear some sort of jokes that are rough around the edges.
That'll take some polishing.
Okay.
Mark, and I'd like to know if Gavin's read a certain book about hipsters and New York City rock music in the early aughts.
I read that when I was in the hospital for, I put a firecracker in my mouth and it blew up.
That's how I grew a beard.
Hello.
What's up, guys?
Hey, man!
Hey!
Green's from NYC here, from upstate New York, visiting for the weekend.
Gavin, I wanted to know if you read the book Meet Me in the Bathroom at all, because I know you used to hang out with those guys like The Strokes, Interpol, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, all those bands.
I was just wondering if you read that book and your two cents on it.
What's it called, Mirror in the Bathroom?
Meet You in the Bathroom?
Meet Me in the Bathroom.
It's named after a Strokes song from the second record.
Yeah, I know that.
I know that book.
That was written by a chick who wasn't really in the scene back in the early aughts.
Yeah, Lizzy Goodman is her name.
So Lizzy Goodman wasn't really part of that crew back then and because of that she sort of, she cut me out of the book and a lot of vice was sort of surgically removed from the telling of the tale.
And I've even noticed Ryan McGinley do that when telling it.
They seem to pretend that I wasn't around then, but I was really the commander of the scene back then.
And I think it's because I was the one, Vice was the place documenting all this.
So New Yorkers desperately wanted to be documented and remembered.
So everyone seemed to sort of come to me and say, hi, I'm here, do a thing on me, get me on the books, I want to exist.
So I guess I would say she's a cunt and her book sucks.
Okay, next.
Thanks, Mark.
Okay, we got a caller from Brazil talking about... Oh, wait, did I just lose that?
Oh, no, okay.
Talking about a booklet.
So I'm guessing some kind of college booklet or something.
Hello, Marcel.
Hey, Evan.
Hey, Ryan.
Called last week, actually.
Oh.
What's up?
You're so lucky to have Bolsonaro, you lucky bastards.
Oh, yeah.
Not too bad, right?
You have a real Trump.
Yep, yep.
He's got balls, man.
And if you see the population, everybody's, you know, more than 50% of the population is backing him.
It's, you know, there's a lot going on, but I think it's, you know, he's draining the swamp, just like Trump.
Yes, awesome.
Anyway, yeah, just a quick book recommendation, if I can.
Just check out the book called The Liberal Mind.
It's just basically Book about the psychological causes of political madness.
I sent you guys a link.
You should definitely check out.
And just the last comment.
I sent you guys a link also for a documentary.
It's called Everything is a Remix.
What's it called?
Ferguson.
Everything is a Remix.
Everything is a Remix.
Yeah.
Check it out.
It's got it's on Vimeo.
And it's got, I think, three parts.
It's totally worth it.
And it really talks about, you know, everybody ripping off everybody.
Yes, okay, we'll check that out.
Thanks for calling.
Alright, thanks.
I also think viewers at home should check out a great book by Annie Lennox called Everything is Eurythmics.
Really high quality book about pop music in the 90s.
Dude, what are you doing?
What?
That's my gig.
What, terrible jokes?
I'm a dad.
We copyright dad jokes.
I will say, though, I think the big problem with the liberal mind is daddy issues.
They talk about the patriarchy all the time.
I think the reason they hate white males more than anyone is because that's what their dad looks like.
And maybe they're right.
Maybe they got divorced, their dad wasn't there for them, their dad let them down.
So they have this snarky, bitchy, political Ethos, where they run upstairs and they say, fuck you.
I hate it here.
And they slam the door of their bedroom.
They don't move out.
They just say, America was never great.
I hate it here.
I hate you.
They're bitches.
Bitchy little bitches.
All right, next.
We got to wrap this up.
This show is like nine hours long.
Yes, it is.
Okay.
Let's take one more call.
All right.
Mike from Utah calling about Ryan's, Gavin's, Clement Sandals, and Michael Savage.
So this is a... It's got nine questions?
It detects, like, the speech, so then it just, like, does a text-to-speech.
Hey, Mike, you're on the air.
What's up, Ryan?
I love saying that.
Hey, what's up?
I wanted to start, I wanted to preface with a couple of your last callers.
I'm from California for 25 years and I don't sound like a fucking fag.
That took you a minute, G-Dog.
It took you a minute.
No, you're hearing a delay.
There's three people you should never take music advice from.
Number three is gays, number two is deaf people, and number one is Ryan.
As a paying subscriber to your website, which I'm a happy paying subscriber, I got two tech issues with Ryan.
I'm putting them on Ryan, not on the G-Dog.
Number one, can you send me a fucking email before you guys go live?
Is that possible?
Yeah, I was just talking about that, but go ahead.
Alright, you're on it, so that's good.
Number two, it's running your camera.
The camera that faces this side of your face.
Let me interrupt you.
We're going to be live every Thursday at 2 p.m.
Thank you, G-Dog, for the correction there, I appreciate it.
So, Ryan's camera, the one from the side of his face, can we get one, like, a fisheye, straight on, so we can get your real reactions, and see the G-Dog in the background?
Lastly, I will say, bring Michael fuckin' Savage on the show, he's the original pariah of conservative media, and I do have a question for Gavin.
Okay, I'm ready.
So, Gavin, your sandal theory, 100% agree with it, right?
You gotta fight someone in a bar and you got fuckin' sandals on or someone's gotta, you know, smell your toes.
Yeah.
Now, you also say you sleep naked, okay?
Mm-hmm.
So, what if someone comes to your house, you gotta whoop their fuckin' ass in front of it?
What if you have a home invader and you're naked?
Now you gotta risk getting a naked charge in public so you can beat some dumbass's ass.
And now you can hang up on me.
Okay.
My dad hospitalized a teenager while completely nude.
They were running through our backyard, jumping through our pool.
Oh, pool.
They're pool hopping, I think is the sport.
And two of them made it over the fence as my dad ran out of the house nude.
And one of them didn't.
He beat the shit out of them.
And he, my, my dad ended up getting charged because Ottawa, Canada is not Texas.
Um, I will happily fight someone bare naked.
In exchange for having 49 years of eight hours of ball breathing butt crack breathing I can't sleep in clothes.
It's just not my culture It's not my parents culture Scottish people sleep in the nude and we're happy to fight in the nude I shouldn't say we're happy to but we're willing to fight in the nude It's a it's a trade-off.
There's not a lot of of nighttime fights at your house Plus, if someone's coming to my house to fuck with me, I'm going to blow their fucking heads off.
And for that, you can be wearing anything.
All guns feel the same.
Alright, we gotta go.
You don't wanna take Australia?
Australia?
Okay, let's take an Australia.
Alright, they're talking about the tour.
And a lot of people, I saw a lot of people asking about this.
Okay.
Um, hi.
Oh no, fuck.
This is Colin about firearms.
Hey, Colin?
Hey, what's going on?
Yeah, no problem.
Super quick, I wanted to take this call from Australia, but I fucked up and pressed the wrong button.
Yeah, no problem.
Thanks.
Gavin.
Yes.
Future reference.
When you're talking about the shooter, that Antifa douchebag that ended up getting shot.
Yeah.
Trying to blow up that ICE facility.
You gotta call them magazines.
Can't call them clips anymore.
Somebody that's into firearms and somebody that knows about firearms, they get kinda, they grimace when they hear you say that, so just future reference.
- Okay, but he did have six magazines, right?
- Yes, he had six magazines.
- How much, how many bullets? - Clips are what like the M1 Garand used to use.
That ping sound when you shoot the last round?
That's a clip.
That's a clip, yeah.
Okay.
And how many bullets are in a magazine?
Magazine holds rounds.
Alright, thanks guys.
See ya.
Wait, wait, wait!
Hey!
Is he gone?
No.
What, what, what, what?
How many bullets can one fit in a magazine?
What?
Wait, what was that?
I can't hear you.
You ask.
How many bullets can fit in one magazine?
It depends on the size of the magazine.
A standard capacity magazine is 30 rounds.
Ah, okay.
CNN and all the liberals like to say that those are extended magazines, but that's a standard issue magazine, a 30-round magazine.
So he had 180 bullets ready to go?
Yeah.
He would have killed a lot of people.
Meanwhile, Antifa keeps talking about how he's a wonderful person and he was only there to hurt a car, the car they use to transport illegals.
But that's, you don't need a hundred and, uh, 30 to 180 bullets to hurt a car.
Wow.
No, he was out to, uh, kill as many people as possible.
Thanks for the call.
Rest in power.
Bye Colin.
Thank you.
See ya.
All right.
Australia.
I want to hear some Australian people, I love Australian people.
G'day guys, what's going on?
G'day, g'day, Dusty Bogan.
G'day mate!
G'day Kuntz, how you going?
How you going?
My question is, I fucking love the show man, best show ever, so thanks guys, keep up the good work, but my question is in regards to the tour.
I haven't heard anything from the promoters, and it's just too mad, and where can you say down there?
Yeah, I talked to the promoter about once a week.
We have not given up on that.
We're still, we appealed the paperwork, and we waited for the election to go first before we read the appeal, because apparently liberal means conservative down there, conservative means liberal, and you have a...
You have a liberal guy now, which means a conservative, which means the paperwork's more likely to go through, but everything is moving forward.
I think we're also trying to find someone to go with.
I planned to go with Tommy, that was the thing we were working on, but the local prison system just got a free Tommy Robinson, and now I'm thinking, I don't know, Alex Jones, Milo, I don't know who would fill the seats.
Oh, they wouldn't let Alex Jones in.
In Marlowe's band, I think, anyway.
But we want to see you, Gav.
And bring Ryan as well, he's alright.
Hey, cool.
Oh yeah, he'll come, because I want to film it and make it into a special or something.
So yeah, that's still on the cards.
Yeah.
Alright, thanks for the update, man.
Just as good to know.
Thanks for the call, mate.
Take care.
See ya, Bogan.
Take it easy.
Cheers.
Take it.
Struce.
Right on.
See ya, Bogans.
Ciao, ciao.
I just do British slang after a walk, because I only know Bogan, really.
Busty Bogan.
Alright, let's go.
Thank you for tuning in.
So Free Speech, we have a new one now.
I think it's Anne Coulter and a surprise guest.
I'm not going to say the guest's name in case people bombard him or her and prevent them from coming on the show.
It's really nuts.
Trying to get a liberal and conservative in a room.
And the conservative is always like, yeah, fine.
I'll be there.
The liberal, Jesus, it's like getting a gun permit in Manhattan.
It really is a major challenge.
And I wouldn't be surprised if this just becomes impossible.
And we end up with still having debates, but it's right versus right.
Like, well, you know what I'd love to see?
Michelle Malkin talking about how the Central Park Five were innocent, arguing with Ann Coulter, who is determined that they're guilty.
Hell yeah.
Wouldn't that be just as interesting as a left and a righty?
Yeah.
Yeah.
We may end up doing that.
I like the idea of civilians too, where just somebody prominent in like some community.
That's a different show, that's After Hours.
So I'm building a new set, a bar set, and I'm gonna sit down with people in After Hours and I'll talk to like a boxer, a plumber, an ex-corrections officer, a retired cop, stuff like that.
I'm pumped for that.
Larry Barnes, the world champ.
That'd be great.
He always, every time I go to the gym, he's like, Gavin the Great, 38 fights, one KO.
No, no, no.
One loss, 25.
He's got my whole boxing record, which is really just like 50 spars, 50 losses, two minutes on the rope.
