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July 2, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
26:44
S02E30 - ANIMAL HOUSE
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Time Text
My shirt is gonna see through.
I'm dying.
Hey, whoever is messing with the past, stop doing it right now.
You're making me vanish.
My parents are not meeting the same way.
Someone told my mom that my dad has herpes, and she's not dating him.
Actually, he could not have done a worse courting job, my dad.
That was Chris Monette's, by the way.
Let's dance, I think is the song, and it's from the fight food scene, food fight scene in the movie Animal House.
Animal House will be the subject of today's show.
Although I wouldn't be surprised if I don't get to it, because I'm such a chatty Kathy.
I've been doing Coke.
As you can see, there's Coke all over the desk here.
Just kidding.
It does make you quite chatty, though, if I recall.
But yeah, the first date, so my dad met my mom in like 1965 or something.
You know what's a trip?
When I went to visit my grandmother once, I found my mom's, like, address book.
And it was from back then.
And it said, meet Jimmy.
Meet Jimmy McInnis.
In her little, like, date book.
And then I noticed there was, like, some spaces.
But then it would be, like, meet Jimmy M. Then meet Jimmy.
And then just J. J. J. J. J. J. Babies.
Did you see Kyle?
What are you, a Nazi?
But the night before their first date, him and his brothers all slept in the same bed.
And his brothers were not very good at stuff.
My dad grew up in a Catholic, Scotch, Irish, Catholic family, very poor.
And he had a high IQ.
So he got scholarships and did well.
No one else did, unfortunately.
Although some of my aunts married very well.
My aunt married a Mexican, and she did great.
And her son is one of my closest friends.
Any Hizzle.
So my dad comes home drunk.
He must have been like 24.
And then his brother Alan shows up, who's dead now, unfortunately.
Poor Alan, drank himself to death.
And he comes home.
And my dad, my dad had spent his life fighting on behalf of Alan, because people would pick on Alan because he was small and weak.
And my dad was a good fighter.
So sometimes he would just let Alan get pounded if he couldn't handle the mob.
But for the most part, he would say, leave him alone and just get in there and beat the guy up.
And maybe that breeds some resentment, you know?
You're sort of like, Alan, toughen up.
Fight your own fights.
My dad's nose looks like KRS1's.
Look up KRS-1.
My dad looks like KRS-1.
And it's from fighting mostly on behalf of Alan.
Anyway, so Alan comes home and he goes, you're eight, which in Glasgow means fuck you.
And Alan goes, what's your problem, Jimmy?
I just say you're eight and Alan.
You're eight.
That's my dad.
And imagine that was an albino who was bald and had a tartan blazer on.
And that's Jimmy McInnes.
So anyway, he says, Jimmy, don't start with me.
You know, you're right.
I'm not in the mood.
And he goes, you're not in the mood, you be poof.
You're not a man.
Are you a man or a mouse?
Squeak up.
That's what he always said to me as a kid.
And Alan goes, don't push me, Jemmy.
And he goes, do your worst.
What do you got?
And Alan, you know, even the biggest wimps in Glasgow can fight.
So Alan fucking gets his hips into it and it's just like, fucking, really swivels with a pow, like putting out a cigarette.
And he nails my dad in the face.
My dad goes flying back on the bed.
And then he gets up.
They all slept in the same bed.
You know who else had that life?
Ralph Lorraine.
His real name is like Ralph Schlipschitz.
And he slept in the same bed as his brothers.
That was common back then.
Hey, people from the Great Depression, could you not get your shit together to get another bed?
What is with all these people who have to sleep in the same bed?
It's just a bed.
We've had them since cave days.
Surely you can get another bed in there.
Why was everyone sleeping in the same bed?
I ain't buying it.
Did you buy beer?
Like, your priorities are groceries and then beds.
Why did so many brothers sleep in the same bed?
I'm not buying that.
You couldn't afford it.
Get some more beds.
Anyway, build a bunk bed.
Well, they didn't have bunk beds back then.
Then build one.
It's just two beds on top of each other.
What are you?
In the movie, Step Brothers?
You can't figure out how to build a fucking bunk bed?
Anyway, I'm sorry.
I'm railing against the poor from 50 years ago.
No, almost 100 years ago.
Anyway, so my dad gets up and he goes, is that all you got?
That's pathetic.
Try again.
And then, my uncle Alan pounds my dad in the face and he goes flying backwards over the bed, gets up.
That's a punch.
You consider that a punch.
Jummy, you're making this worse.
Try maybe a left hook or something.
That's pathetic, Alan.
And he just keeps pounding him and pounding him.
And my dad keeps telling him he's pathetic and he's crying and pounding him.
And they're grown men.
You know, they're in their early 20s.
The next day, my dad wakes up.
His eyes are sealed shut.
He's completely black and blue.
His ears are all cauliflower.
His face is swollen to the size of a pumpkin.
He looks like he's been hit by a car.
And that's his first date with my mom.
So they went to, I don't know why they met at Boots Chemist, which is like CVS in Britain.
And she said that she'd see him, and he would sort of go, and she'd go, Jemmy, is that you?
And he'd just sort of go, and vanish.
What a pussy, eh?
Because he was embarrassed of his giant pumpkin head.
And then she finally, like, I don't know, corners him, and she goes, what?
Oh, my God, what's going on?
He goes, ah, it's a long story.
I think I'm saying summit, but I think that's East London slang, and I'm making Glaswegians say it.
Glaswegians, Scottish people don't say anything that English people say.
They hate each other's guts.
You know, they say mate in England.
They never say that word in Scotland.
So the Scots do the opposite.
They go bananas for New Year's Eve.
They call it Hogbonay.
And Christmas is like, here I go, yeah, ball opener.
It's sort of like Canada.
So much of their culture is based on spite of America.
July 4th, we're doing July 1st.
So they go out on a date, and they say we should make the funniest and most interesting person in the world.
We'll call him Gavin.
But in the interim, let's just hang out and party.
And then I think he forgot about her.
I think she saw his face pounded and she knows my mother's quite a handful.
She's a bitch.
I love her to death.
I'm an asshole.
I'm half asshole, half bitch.
And I think she went, I need an asshole to rein me in.
And this guy has had the shit beaten out of him and he still seems okay.
I'm going to marry him.
She's like the Tasmanian devil.
I love her to death.
I sound like I'm disparaging her.
She's very dramatic and strong, and she'll fight to the death.
She terrorized the Ottawa Museum of Natural History because they had no Scots there, and it was all about Cambodians and all these other cultures that contributed nothing to Canada, but they dominated this museum in Ottawa.
She would not let it go.
Whoever curated that museum was having nightmares every night.
So I love that my mom is the Tasmanian devil.
I'm not disparaging her.
Bitch to me is not an insult, especially when it comes to my mom.
She taught me to be a fighter.
My dad is such a fighter that he doesn't like fighting because he'll kill you.
You know those kind of guys?
Like Milo Yiannopoulos' dad?
I don't want a problem, mate.
Please, let it go.
Let it go.
But my mom's like, get in there, do it.
Anyway, so it's possible she was attracted to this brawler because she thought, I need backup.
But for whatever reason, I guess he went on a bender and he didn't see her for a while.
And then he stood her up.
They were going to meet like a week later and they didn't meet.
And so there's a road called Byers Road in Glasgow.
It's near the university.
It's very busy.
And they both went to the same.
No, no.
He went to Glasgow University, a super smart school that arguably created the modern world.
They were the first to separate church and state, Glasgow University.
And he went there, a poor kid, with no shoes.
His toes look like this because he would wear shoes that were too small for him.
His feet make me gag.
His toes are mangled up like this.
I don't get it, too.
You wear shoes that are too small for you.
After about 10 minutes, you want to shoot yourself.
He did it for years.
High threshold of pain, I guess.
So he stood her up, and he saw her on the street, and she was a large-chested blonde, very attractive, which in Glasgow does not happen.
Women are not attractive in Glasgow because the Vikings stole them all.
If you think women in Scandinavia are hot, you're a rape apologist because the Vikings would go all over Europe just taking the hot ones.
And that's why you go to Scandinavia and you're like, what the fuck?
10 ding, ding, ding, ding.
What?
That's all the Scottish hotties, British hotties.
They stole them all.
And they really ransacked Glasgow, judging by the look of things today.
So he saw her across the street and he goes, oh my God, Lorraine.
And she's like, not interested.
So she just keeps walking.
He goes, please forgive me.
She's not interested.
And then he goes, please, Lorraine, forgive me.
He gets on his knees and he walks on his knees across Byers Road, begging for forgiveness.
His cars are going, get out of the fucking road, you shit.
You fucking shithead.
And he begs and she forgives him for standing her up because he walked across Byers Road.
How did we get there?
Anyway, it was a strange courtship, but it worked out and they've been married ever since.
They got married in, I think, 68.
And now we're at 2019.
They had their 50th wedding anniversary.
And I said, forgive me if I've told you this story already, but I said, I would like to make a toast to my father.
I think, obviously it's a 50th anniversary, and we're celebrating both my mother and my father.
But let's really focus today's celebration on my dad.
Because he clearly married a woman who is blind and deaf, and those women tend not to find suitors.
But he loved her, and he saw past the fact that she can't see or hear.
Because clearly no woman who could see or hear would be married to this guy.
I thought it was a fucking great bit.
But no one was laughing.
It bombed.
They were in a time in their lives when they were hanging around with a lot of squares.
And I just didn't, I think they didn't like that it was offensive.
Yeah, it's also hilarious.
And it's very flattering to my mom, dumbass.
So Animal House.
National Lampoon was doing very well.
That's Harvard Lampoons magazine.
I'm a member of Harvard Lampoon.
I'm an honorary member.
And it was Doug Kenney who wrote this film.
But he wrote it with Harold Ramos and a bunch of different people.
John Landis, I think, was involved in the writing.
He's definitely the director.
But what they did was they said, there was a particular frat that was like the anti-frat frat.
And they had some great stories.
So they wrote them all out.
And initially, it had crazy names, like Cheerleaders from Outer Space and had aliens and all kinds of dumb shit in it.
But they pared it down to a rational story about a frat.
And they had good guys and bad guys.
And this is in a weird time that I've talked about quite a bit where in the 70s, they were obsessed with the 50s.
You had Happy Days, American Graffiti, Sean Anna, you know, the Fons.
Everyone had to have a leather jacket and say, Hey, I'm a fucking Italian guy from Queens.
That's what cool is.
I talked to Dee Schneider about this once of Twisted Sister, and he goes, We just couldn't get any gigs because we didn't sing Frankie Valley songs.
So we moved to Britain.
So Twisted Sister cut their chops in England because they liked glam there, and Twisted Sister were basically a glam band.
Another fun fact, all their roadies were punks, and they included members of the exploited and GBH.
So ask D. Snyder about that sometime.
Any issue, they said, all right, we have a pretty good movie now.
Let's lock ourselves into a room and amalgamate.
Just tell me all your crazy college stories and let's just crowbar them into this film.
So they started with a pretty good movie and then they just kept packing in other stories until it was the most over-the-top movie ever made.
They say this is based on a frat.
It's not really.
It's based on all of the rebels of all of the 50s and 60s crammed into one film.
And Doug Kenney, the guy who put it all together, he made each scene have a beginning and a middle and an end.
So they could all exist as separate YouTube videos and be great little shorts in and of themselves.
In fact, Animal House is really a compilation of short films.
And that's why it's my favorite movie ever made.
It's just a fucking masterpiece.
Even after they came up with that idea of cramming all these stories into one movie and threading them together into a plot, they added all this other crazy shit, like the character development.
Like John Belushi, they said, I want him to be like Harpo Marx meets Cookie Monster.
And when you know that and you see Bluto, John Blutowski, I think his name is, in the film, you realize that's, he took the notes and he did exactly that.
I mean, John Belushi barely has any lines in this film.
And he's one of the greatest characters in the history of movies.
And every time I watch this movie, it kind of recalibrates me.
And my favorite part about this film is, yeah, they fucked up.
But they got overly punished.
They got banished.
It wasn't really their fault.
Remember, they did cheat on the test, but the other rival frat switched out the garbage and kind of framed them.
I know I'm defending criminals, but whatever.
And instead of going, oh, well, we're kicked out.
We suck.
They go out in a blaze of glory.
That's why I say be fired and get in trouble because they didn't just shrug their shoulders and walk away.
They went out in a blaze of glory.
They got revenge.
That is a crucial lesson, especially for young people.
You know, I always tell my boys, when someone punches you, even as a joke, punch them back twice as hard.
Because it says, it puts the word out that I don't tolerate abuse.
It's very important to establish yourself as not a victim.
You can be a target.
I'm a target.
Tommy Robinson is a target.
But we're not victims.
In fact, Tommy Robinson actually corrected me once.
He said, never say victim.
It's a terrible word.
Say you're a target, which is accurate.
So that opening song, Let's Dance, the soundtrack to this film is perfect too.
And by the way, speaking of the soundtrack, it's the first time classical music was used to convey comedy.
They'd never done that before, and they've done it a million times since.
So Doug Kenney kind of carved out a new form of comedy, rebel comedy.
And the reason I think he was such a rebel is because he grew up working class in a very shishy neighborhood because his dad was a tennis instructor at a country club.
So that is a lower middle class blue collar job, but you're with rich people all the time.
So he never really fit in.
It's kind of like me in my neighborhood.
I live in a rich suburb where I just do not belong.
Although I keep meeting all these Trump people in my neighborhood, and they're all like, hey, I know who you are, and I'm on board.
So I think I'm going to start a club called GI5, Gay in the 50s, because that's what we are.
We have to meet secretly.
When we walk in a room, people go, oh, there's that fag.
It's actually made me sort of more open-minded to the bigotry and oppression that blacks and gays have faced in the 50s and 60s because I'm facing it now as a Trump supporter in liberal hell, New York City.
But can you find the food fight in Animal House?
Because ideally they'll play that song.
And Doug Kenney was always into food fights.
In fact, there was a food fight at his funeral.
Doug Kenney, by the way, also wrote Caddyshack, and he killed himself because people thought it sucked.
Doug, give it a second.
Let it simmer, asshole.
It's going to be considered one of the most legendary movies of all time.
fact, Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack was such a likable character that we elected him president of the United States.
Chubby Chase was supposed to be in this, and John Landis didn't want to be.
Oh, this is a weird part.
You can't bite into a golf ball.
That's not true.
There's Babs.
Mandy.
Mandy Pepperidge, I haven't seen you since we...
I'm sorry.
I can only stay a minute.
Let me buy you some lunch.
Oh, you've got your lunch.
How about some milk?
You got your milk, too.
Can I just massage your thighs while you leave?
Do I have to leave?
Is this a way to treat an int?
This is, I'm so scared that we're losing this culture.
Like, that guy is hitting on a girl.
Was she just me too'd?
Obviously, rape is bad, but when we get so sterile about sex, we lose the whole fun of it.
This guy is, just like when he got beat up in the motel in this movie, this guy is just jumping into the fray.
He's walking into a punch.
He might as well be stepping in the ring with Tyson.
He knows he's going to get knocked out, but he thinks, I got to try.
I got to fight.
I got to never stop fighting.
That applies to getting laid.
Just try.
Get out there.
As Dante Nero says, drop five bricks a day.
Contact with women.
Hey, what's going on?
You look fantastic.
God damn it.
You're beautiful.
Or, you know what I used to do with Derek, when I had a black friend?
We would switch places, but one of us would have like a heart attack, like going, oh my God, she's too beautiful.
And then the other guy would go, oh my God, are you okay?
And like hold him up as he was like, get her out of here, get her out of here.
She's stunning.
Women love that shit.
They love when you try.
And Mandy, by the way, in this scene where you could argue, a feminist would argue she's being sexually assaulted.
Mandy is loving this right now.
She loves him.
Intimate friend?
I don't just want to be with you.
What a wonderful world this would be.
This sweatshirt.
But I'm trying to.
This is hard as a cheap person to watch.
He's wasting a lot of food.
Oh, you know what just occurred to me?
He must know that a food fight is looming.
He's not getting food to eat.
He's stashing his artillery.
I never thought of that before.
Do you realize how many fucking fruits he took?
You think he's eating them?
Yeah, no one eats four bananas.
I'm starved.
Could I get four bananas, two oranges, and three apples, please?
I'm a fruit guy.
Sweaty fat guys don't eat fruit.
Never.
See, that's the beat of Animal.
You learn new things every time you watch it.
What is that about John Baluchi?
I think his elbows are funny.
My son has this little stuffed rabbit that he loves.
And I feel the same way about John Baluchi.
He's my pet.
He's my stuffed animal.
And how perfect is he as Cookie Monster meets Harpo?
This is back when you could afford songs.
I asked you never to speak to me again.
And when you go away.
Oh, they just killed his horse.
I do hope we're not interrupting anything, Maine.
Is it just me or is this just savage quality?
No, I wasn't.
I could make you leave if you had to.
Pluto!
Hey!
Hey, I think you know everybody here.
Just pause.
This is an awesome way to be an aggressive asshole.
You're showing that you're not scared of these dicks and you're fucking with them.
I saw Christopher Matthias on Twitter.
He's one of these conservative gadflies.
I don't mean he's a conservative.
I mean he looms around conservatives like a gadfly and reports on them.
He's like a turgid tattletale, as Greg Gutfeld once described Brian Stettler.
And he's always taking notes and these guys were over here.
And I saw he wrote this tweet where he said, I was reporting on Proud Boys and they confronted me and I walked away and they were being and then later they mentioned that Pinochet was offering free helicopter rides.
Yeah, they're making fun of you, you pussy.
They're not going to literally put you in a helicopter and throw you out the way Pinochet did the communists.
They're calling you a communist and they're making fun of you.
They're confronting you in a humorous way.
They're enjoying fighting.
That's what this movie is.
It's saying, enjoy confrontation.
Enjoy bad scenes.
That's what I think we need more of in this country is stepping into the ring going, yeah, I'll fight with you.
I'll argue with you.
I had it just today, I had a big fight with Dr. Michael Eric Tyson, as you can see on the site with Michelle Malkin and him.
It was tense.
And, you know, I was like, are we going to be okay after this?
And then as soon as we were done, it was great.
I love fighting and I hugged him and we got along great, took pictures together.
Anyway, go back We're at 24 minutes.
Jeez.
I thought we'd be watching entire movies together in 30 minutes.
No, don't worry.
Just keep your hands and feet away from his mouth.
Don't you have any respect for yourself?
This is absolutely gross.
He's a P.I.G.
That boy is a P.I.G.
pig.
I have a sweatshirt like that just because of him.
Oh, let's dance is coming up.
I'm a zip.
Get it?
All right, you bastard.
Let's go right here!
Come on, Fargy!
Food fight!
He picked a fight with an entire front.
How awesome is that?
What are we doing?
He's chatting up chicks during a fight.
Food fight!
Food fight!
Anyway, that's enough.
What a masterpiece.
What a perfect film.
We're out of time.
This is the abbreviated version of Get Off My Lawn.
It's the holiday episodes.
I'll be doing something similar on Easter and Christmas and New Year's Eve and other such holidays.
I don't want to give you nothing, but yes, you're going to have to slim down a little bit during this mini vacation.
And by the way, you should be enjoying your family and celebrating America on July 4th.
And on July 1st, you should be celebrating Canada and all of its wonderfulness.
You know, I miss Canada.
I miss brawling.
In Canada, probably because of hockey, fighting is considered just a fun thing to do.
You'll beat up your friend if he burns your jacket with his dart, his cigarette.
then your best friend's after.
In fact, is that true in America?
When I was a kid, every time you had a best friend, it was someone you fought.
And you guys hated each other, then you fought, and then you were buddies.
It's a beautiful way that men court men.
Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
Don't quote the dead Kennedys now at the end.
You got to put the card up.
This is a very anticlimactic ending.
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