It was a helluva weekend with three big stories dropping about free speech and yours truly. After covering those scoops, we look at the media’s obsession with promoting drag kids and making everything gay. Why are hockey games being interrupted with videos of “gay” kids in drag? Are they trying to immaculate athletes or is it just bored women at marketing companies choosing the most colorful thing on their To Do list? Us normal dads are starting to get annoyed.
Just because he's younger and he'll have better cardio.
Although MMA is weird, right?
Wrestling is weird in general.
I've fought with wrestlers and they have all these weird moves where the next thing you know his legs are wrapped around you like an anaconda.
So if he uses one of his weird moves then he's dead.
But Who doesn't want to see that fight?
But it's also for losers.
Remember there was celebrity boxing matches and it would be like the guy from the Brady Bunch and some other washed up old sitcom guy, like the dude from ALF?
It's what you do when you're really desperate for cash and your life sucks.
You know, there was, um... I think it was Horschak.
Anthony Cumia told me this story.
It was Horschak.
Remember from Welcome Back, Cotter?
Mr. Cotter!
The really nerdy Jewish guy.
It was him and I believe Screech from the first, one of the early seasons of Real World on MTV.
And Screech and Horschak made a deal.
And Horschak said, look, I cannot be punched in the face.
I'll do this, I'll agree to it, but you and I have to separately agree, you cannot punch me in the face.
I won't be able to handle it.
And Screech goes, whatever man, it's really good money.
I bet it wasn't even, I bet it was like 100 grand.
Um, it's really good money.
And yeah, I agree to your terms.
And then Screech proceeded to just punch the shit out of him.
Maybe I should be saying this on a video show.
Screech and Horshack.
Screech Horshack boxing part one of three.
Oh, it's online.
So yeah, apparently Screech just said, yeah, I'm not doing that.
And began to punch him in the face like a maniac.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
You got to look it up.
Screech Horseshack Boxing Part Three of Three.
And he's super old in it.
He's white haired.
Like Welcome Back Connor was on in the eighties.
God, he's just getting nailed.
Oh, that's funny.
Um, yeah.
I don't understand this whole concept of calling someone out.
People have been asking to fight me since I was a little kid.
And I understand if you're in school together, that makes sense.
But the idea that someone from across the world can just say, I want to fight you.
And the person that's, do I get to just look at supermodels and go, I want to fuck you.
I'm afraid that's not the deal.
No, you're not allowed.
Um, a lot of news this week.
Uh, Go to Dangerous.com.
Milo did a 10,000 word diatribe about these two gay dudes who've been ripping off Tommy Robinson, Ezra Levant, working with Antifa to dox me and tell them what my itinerary is, what flight I'm on, what hotel I'm staying at so Antifa can kill me.
Not very good buddies, Cowlin and George.
Um, and then there was, uh, A front page of the New York Times article, really badly written by this beta male, and it said that we, Paul Joseph Watson, me, I'm actually in all the pictures, but I'm not in the article anywhere, but me, Lauren Southern, all these people have been, Stefan Molyneux, Paul Joseph Watson, pretty moderate, slightly conservative people, have been radicalizing youth and bringing them to the alt-right in a decentralized cult.
That was in there.
And they don't, this article doesn't say in what way these YouTubers are radical, it's just a given.
That's the way the left works now.
They've demonized the other side so, with such fervor, That now it's just given that David Duke is Paul Joseph Watson, is Alex Jones, is me, is all of them.
They even include this guy Philip P, Philly P, Philly Pete, what's his name?
Ryan, what's that guy's name?
Philip DeFranco, who's a liberal.
But he's dared to give the other side one second of airtime and that means now he's alt-right.
If you're not 100% with us, you're 100% against us.
That's the new thing.
If you don't think there's more than two genders, you're Hitler.
The end.
And then third, we also had in the news that April Glazer of Slate is the one who pressured Chase Bank to start debanking conservatives.
And Antifa and these journalists do the same thing.
They put it as a question, because that's the way you keep it.
Antifa does it because they don't want to get charged.
Journalists do it because they basically are taking cues from Antifa.
And they go, did you know that you're presently working with someone who's been designated as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center?
Again, you don't have to question the Southern Poverty Law Center.
All that is a given.
And what the subtext of the question is, is, you know, I'm going to expose you, right?
And you'll be known as the Nazi bank if you don't debank them right now.
So it's journalists as activists.
They don't ask questions.
It's written as an interrogative.
It ends with a question mark, but they're not asking a question.
It's a threat.
And it's extortion.
It's like the Westies.
Hey, uh, I was wondering why, uh, you're leaving yourself vulnerable to attacks.
Why wouldn't you want to, uh, be safe and not have your windows smashed?
Wouldn't you want to rely on, say, us for protection?
That seems logical to me.
I don't understand.
Yes, here, Westy.
Here's all my money.
Uh... Oh yeah, I'm confirmed I'm doing a free speech thingy on June 6th in D.C.
What is that again now?
Uh...
It's like a thing for freedom.
That's what it should be called.
Thing for freedom.
Where is it now?
June 6.
I'll dig it up.
Sorry, I'm not doing a very good job with this, am I?
Yeah, it's in DC.
It's going to be hot in July.
Did I say June 6?
I meant July 6.
Yeah, July 6th, 12 p.m., Freedom Plaza, Washington, D.C.
Freedom Q&A, VIP lounge event, 7-11 p.m.
Stop the bias.
And there's a bunch... Demand free speech is the hashtag, all one word.
Do you like doing research with me together?
I was gonna be on vacation with my family, but I thought, I can't miss this.
What to wear, though?
Can you wear a suit?
Ryan, what are you doing in there?
Taking a really weird shit.
What a loser.
Um... I want to get into the mailbag because there's some good stuff there, but... Yeah, there's been... This whole kids and homosexuals thing is starting to get on my nerves.
I was watching hockey this weekend and they said, so gays can play hockey too.
And you're like, yeah, thanks.
I know.
Why don't you have a commercial next that says it's okay for gays to own a dog.
You know, gays can wear hats and they can wear pink hats.
Yeah, thanks.
Thanks for the heads up.
Why are you so worried about kids and homosexuality?
Isn't homosexuality sexuality?
Isn't most of being gay, as far as what defines it, the way you have sex?
So why are we talking about children?
I do believe you're born gay.
And I, you know, there's all, there's those kids you can tell whether they like show tunes and stuff and they, they're, you can just tell when a kid is gay.
They're usually acting.
I remember when we used to do commercials, we'd have to do casting for kids.
And I just felt like saying to every mom, you know, your kid's gay, right?
Like, I had to tell these—every time we had a kid actor, we'd have to have him butch it up, because he'd be like, Hey, I love Colgate toothpaste.
It's delicious, you guys.
And we'd go, Uh, can you just say, I love Colgate, Mom.
Okay.
I love Colgate, Mom.
No, kind of lower.
Lower.
Just, I love Colgate, Mom.
It took a while to de-gay them, because straight kids are playing sports.
So I'm not saying that kids aren't gay but I don't think they're really getting bullied for it anymore and this whole like let them be gay is sort of like kids are born straight and we don't say let them be straight!
Come on guys!
Get focused!
Be a straight man!
Look at those big-ass tits, kids!
It's getting weird, and there's some new reality show that's about drag kids, and it's all ten-year-olds dressing up in drag, these nine-year-old, ten-year-old boys, my son's age, dressing up in drag.
Why?
Why are you doing that?
Drag is esoteric, by the way.
Like, they're living in an America that's about half a century late.
You know what I mean?
Or early.
I'm sure in the 1950s, if... I bet gay kids got the shit beaten out of them, especially in Brooklyn and, you know, working class towns, Detroit.
But we're not there now.
And it's totally normal for a kid in your school to be trans.
I betcha.
I've heard about this from one of my friend's kids' school.
There's some trans kid there and he's a, he or she, Z's a total troublemaker.
Always demanding that everyone use the right pronouns and starting fights if they don't.
I wouldn't be surprised if it's the trans kids that are the bullies these days.
But this obsession with, with drag kids is disturbing.
Like, I've always been disturbed by drag queens in general.
I've hung out with them.
My wife's a fag hag.
At every party there's one drag queen.
And it's like, what are you doing?
Are you in character now?
And I've had a gay guy say this to me.
He goes, I don't like talking to them because, what, are you like Lady Miss Fierce?
Do I talk to you as Lady Miss Fierce?
What about if I want to say something like, Uh, it's hard to find a comfortable sock these days.
They're either too stuffy or they're too thin or they sort of slide around in your shoe.
I like the Kmart greys.
What about you?
Uh, honey, I don't wear socks.
I wear fishnets because I'm a fierce bitch.
Okay, alright.
Do you like grapefruits?
Bitch, I have grapefruits.
I'll cut them in half and make them into tits.
Yeah, I just I find the fruits kind of bitter.
I don't really understand the appeal.
It's like vinegary, you know, but not really.
Yeah, babe.
I love vinegar.
I use it for my douche when I douche my pussy.
Yeah, well you don't have a pussy.
Okay, I'm gonna go over there.
It's like talking to a clown.
Hey clown, are you Bozo right now, or are you Roy?
Can I talk to you?
Sometimes gays, you know those, those, I believe the term, the offensive term used is wigger, but you'll see like a white dude who's, who's in basketball and he's always playing with black guys.
And the next thing you know, he's like, yo, what's up?
Yo, with all due respect, I, and doing the handshake and everything.
And you go, dude, can I just see you when you're 72, tending your garden?
Cause you're not going to talk like that anymore.
And I feel the same way about super duper gay dudes.
like hi who's that guy uh he looks like a big gay egg uh oh what the hell is his name he is here i got him here it's called Beyonce don't say that if you don't mean it don't say that if you don't mean it you saying that makes me so happy because you know this is bound to happen one day i know
What is that now?
Gay interviewer, Beyonce, the insider.
What the hell is his name?
He's so unbelievably gay.
Thanks, by the way, for not doing your job while I need you here.
Because you had to make a poo-poo.
Who's this guy?
This super gay dude?
This guy.
Anyway, look him up.
The Insider was the show, and he's like, Hey everyone!
What's going on?
Um, I just had my garden tended to, and I can't have enough citrus.
You know, when someone's that gay, why are you looking in your email?
Because it was actually in the, um... That's just the video, though.
It doesn't say his name.
Okay.
Holy shit!
Don't look at the video!
I don't need the video!
No, I know, but it's in my... Milo made me look up another video with him and it has his name in it.
It's in my history.
Oh.
So is that guy gonna talk like that when he's 70?
I've known some old gays, and they don't talk like that.
Ross Matthews.
Ross Matthews.
Play that video of him.
So I'm like... Should I?
No.
Hello.
Hi.
It's me, Ross.
Hi.
Welcome.
I'm in my backyard.
It's been a day.
A day.
Good day.
I worked.
I worked.
I had a meeting.
A landscaper came to the house, thinking about more citrus.
It's a big deal.
He can never have too much citrus.
Okay, that's enough.
So he's not gonna talk like that.
Like, older gay guys are still kind of gay.
They're sort of like, hi darling, how are you?
Oh my God, what an afternoon I have had.
You have no idea.
You think, I'm one of these dummies who thought I could do plumbing, and I YouTubed it, and I sort of, kind of had it going, and of course there's always a leak.
You know, it's one of those things, you can learn some carpentry, you can do some home repairs, but plumbing and electricity, leave it to the pros, you know what I mean?
That's about as gay as an old person is.
And the old you is just you.
So all these affectations I find kind of tiring.
And why are we now foisting them upon children?
I think part of it is just bored women.
I think women are working at a place and they go, what is this?
Can we do some sort of initiative?
Okay, what about a diversity initiative?
Yeah I did that and then people talked about how I worked hard to get my kids to a school that was not diverse and I feel like there's some hypocrisy there and you know if people look me up they'll see that I was the top woman for the zoning commission of our town to make sure that the zoning was well pretty non-diverse I have to admit so I don't like that it leaves me vulnerable and I've never really met a black person and I don't think black people and I get along to be honest.
She's not saying this out loud.
It's in her head.
What else do you got?
And they go, well, we could do this thing on troubled youth.
Man, that's depressing.
What else?
Well, there's a bunch of gay shit.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, I like that.
I love gays.
Is it colorful?
Oh, yeah, it's super colorful.
There's rainbows and all kinds of outfits.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I want to do that.
What is it?
Oh, it's making kids dress in drag.
Great.
Love it, let's do it.
How old are they?
The ages range from six to nine.
There's even a cartoon, by the way.
I don't know if it's canceled yet.
I think RuPaul produced it, but it's a drag queen cartoon on Cartoon Network, which is for children.
What's it called?
Super Drags.
Super Drag!
Hey kids, let's get gay!
I mean, what is the gay identity without sex?
This is the trouble you get in with all culture.
Like you can't, you know, Mark Lamont Hill will deny there's any patterns with black people, especially if they're negative patterns, yet he wears a shirt that says support black shit.
If you have a Puerto Rican Day Pride Parade, you clearly see something more than just, I was born to Puerto Rican parents or I'm, you know, I was born in Puerto Rico or I'm Puerto Rican.
You must think there's more to it than that.
There's culture there.
What is the culture?
What is gay culture?
What is black culture?
Is there white culture?
And if you're celebrating gay culture, what part of it is the sex act?
Nah mean?
Like there's weed culture.
Weed culture involves weeds.
Oh, and by the way, on that cartoon, what's it called?
Superdrag.
Superdrag.
The way these, it's a cartoon, it's on at Kid Times, and the way they fly makes a penis in balls shape.
Yeah.
And there's basically sex in it, like a guy's in the bath.
I just don't get it.
Don't foist sex on kids.
Straight sex or gay sex.
And drag queens are... First of all, it's a minstrel show.
But of women.
So it's someone parodying women.
Painting their face to make fun of women.
Which is everything you say that's bad about blackface.
But secondly, it's also blatantly sexual.
Blatantly sexual.
They have names like Lady Horne, Mr. Bond, and I'm a hot mess, that's mine.
The implication is that you've been fucked 80 times.
And you're just a drunk, slutty mess.
It's just weird, okay?
Can you just leave everything alone, please?
Like, sports can be sports.
The umpire doesn't have to be wearing a pink outfit.
Well trans people do take up .6% of the population.
So they should be represented in .6% of the things.
I'm fine with that.
It's also weird to talk about your sex life and make it your identity.
You know in the 70s we were surrounded by fags.
And we rocked out to Queen.
They were called Queen.
We rocked out to Judas Priest where a guy was wearing all leather.
Leather chaps.
No one said anything.
We rocked out to Liberace, who sat there in his piano fucking 14-year-olds in the butt.
We rocked out to the village people that talked about going to the YMCA, where you can just buttfuck each other all day at the gym.
And we were like, whatever, just don't make our kids dress up as women and we're fine.
No one cared.
But now it's, it's just all identity.
And it's like, say you're a heterosexual couple and you only did anal with each other.
Imagine telling people that and having a parade and being like, we're the anal couple.
My wife has a problem with yeast infections and all we do is anal.
Hey, let's meet other, uh, anal heteros, which by the way, fun thing happening coming up the straight parade in Boston.
Uh, Where is it now?
What's the date for that?
Cuomo and Lemon blast straight pride parade.
Stephen Colbert mocks straight pride parade.
It's like, has it occurred to anyone that there's a modicum of humor with this parade?
It's not something you need to blast.
What a takedown of the straight pride parade.
It's fucking comedians.
Colbert's a comedian lambasting a joke.
They're so fucking humorless.
The tentative date was August 31st, but will be finalized later.
Okay.
So I'm sure you all know the story if you follow this, but, uh, they chose Brad Pitt as their mascot for the straight pride parade.
And, uh, did we talk about this on the other podcast?
We talked about this on the Gavin and Milo thing, me and Milo.
Okay, not on the... No.
Not on the show.
So they chose Brad Pitt as their mascot.
No, but I was talking about how it's a trick.
Like, to have an anti-Sharia rally is a trick because you're tricking Antifa into defending Sharia law, which goes against everything they believe in.
So this is a trick because it's saying, oh, okay, you're gonna have gay pride?
Then I assume we can have straight pride, right?
And then everyone freaks the fuck out.
It's sort of like someone says Black Lives Matter, then you say, what about all lives matter?
Or someone says they're pro-life and you, to contradict them is to be anti-life.
Antifa, the name, right?
You say, I'm anti-fascist.
If you're against that, then you're pro-fascist.
Simple.
It's a silly game, but if it works, it works.
So anyway, they chose Brad Pitt as their mascot and he freaked out, sent to cease and desist.
So then they moved it to Milo.
Milo's now the mascot.
For it.
And he had all these elaborate ideas.
I want to be the Sultan of Brunei.
I'm going to wear this, darling.
I go, dude, you're adding layers to something that doesn't need layers.
British people don't understand that American humor is very simple.
Listen to the Ramones.
Oh, let's go.
Simple stuff.
Don't decorate it too much.
The fact that Milo is the guy, the joke's already done.
All you got to do is show up.
And it's amusing.
Boy, I'm starving since I watched that Subway fight.
Yeah, I want Subway so bad.
So bad?
So bad?
I want Subway so bad.
This article is from The Cut and the other articles if you're interested.
Mark Jacobs gets the New York treatment with him and his dog.
Best dressed at the red carpet.
I could watch Meryl Streep and Reese Witherspoon insult each other all day.
I keep thinking about this cat massage video.
What is the cut?
Annoying gay pandering?
It's terrible.
Alexa Chung reimagined the classic rain jacket.
It's an article, yeah.
Rest in peace Trump and Macron's friendship tree.
The oak sapling never had a chance.
Okay.
Wow.
All right, let's get down to the mailbag.
We've got a lot to catch up on.
And there's one I'm particularly interested in repeating.
Aha.
Turn up the volume and play this song.
Which is always ready.
Yes!
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
Um...
Gavin, I wish you luck on your upcoming fight with Copper Cab.
The fight has already happened, and I'll be launching it shortly on my site.
He's in big trouble, especially if you focus on pointing your toes.
Little inside joke.
Anyway, I did some work with a landscape company this week.
You can never have enough citrus, you guys.
By the way, just to go off a tangent here, the reason I don't like when people aren't themselves is I don't like dishonesty.
I've realized recently everything that I dislike comes back down to dishonesty.
So if you're like, yo, what's up?
And that's not you, then you're bothering me.
Or if you're like, hi everyone!
And that's not you, then you're bothering me.
It's annoying.
You're lying to me.
And when you lie to me, it's a waste of time.
You see this with politics all the time.
They'll go, why do you want to separate families?
I go, well, tell me what to do.
If you're an ICE person and a family comes across, do you put kids in the same cell as adults?
That doesn't sound logical.
That doesn't sound safe.
They shouldn't be put in a cell.
Well, there's borders.
What do you do when someone crosses the border?
Every single border in the entire world is policed.
And when people cross them illegally, whether it's Czechoslovakia, Mexico, or the Congo, you get imprisoned.
That's just the way we enforce borders.
If there's no enforcement, then there's no borders.
And if there's no borders, there's no country.
So what are you proposing?
And then you realize, they haven't thought about this before.
They just like the platitudes.
And now you're wasting my time because I'm aware of platitudes.
I'm aware that it's bad to see a little kid in jail.
Thanks for the wake-up call.
I did think of that before.
And then you go, how many illegals are there?
And they'll go, I don't know, like a billion?
And you realize you're arguing with me about something you've never looked up.
So you're wasting my time.
That's what pisses me off.
My time is valuable to me.
So stop wasting it by being a weirdo.
Anyway.
The owner is totally starved for helping hands as his usually reliable Mexican labor crews have been switching jobs.
They are moving into different warehouse and manufacturing positions that are direct results from the Trump job boom.
I wonder if people are going to complain about that.
You know a lot of illegals now have to go to factories and other higher paying jobs and we have a landscape shortage thanks to this stupid booming economy.
The shortage has led the owner to hire young, soft, college-educated, non-foreign suburbanites for his crews.
On the first day we were planting flowers, and this is when I had the most absolute batshit crazy, jaw-dropping conversation with another oblivious, probably liberal, beta male.
The conversation went like this.
Mark.
So, Matt, what do you do in your free time?
Sports?
Music?
Drugs?
I'm gonna make Matt's voice different so you... I don't have to keep reading the names.
No man, I'm way too busy.
I'm making him too tough.
I'll make him a slightly higher voice.
You wanna do a back and forth?
Oh yeah.
Do you have it?
Uh, you'd have to... It's in the notes today.
Oh, okay.
I gotcha.
And it is right here, gotcha.
So who am I?
I'll be the first guy.
Mark.
You'll be Mark.
I'll be Matt.
So Matt, what do you do in your free time?
Sports?
Music?
Drugs?
No man, I'm way too busy for any of that.
Well, what do you do in your free time?
My girlfriend and I just bought a home.
We have two dogs, so we really just spend our time taking care of them.
Ah, it's nice that you guys bought instead of rented.
How old are you?
You seem too young to buy a home.
31.
Sounds like you got the hard parts out of the way.
Now you just gotta marry her, man.
Yeah, well we're considering it.
We've been testing what our family would look like with these dogs.
She's also got, she's pretty big into the Sims universe, so we'll see how things go with that.
Sims?
What's that?
You know, like the computer game, Sims.
I spend like an hour watching her play, like, every day.
And then he says, in case you don't know what Sims is, it's a sandbox game that simulates life.
Yes, it's literally a game where players live out the life of a character they design in the universe.
Essentially a non-fun version of Grand Theft Auto.
No rape, murder, drug use, etc.
And he goes, at this point my jaw hit the ground.
I was totally bewildered by such a dumb thing to be okay sharing with someone you have just met.
Yeah, that's a good point.
If you do watch your girlfriend play Sims for an hour a day, don't tell anyone.
Matt is blowing serious stop signs at this point.
Yeah, we also just bought a stroller for our dogs.
She's really into testing out the whole mom thing.
And then he ends the letter with, Gavin, is this mental illness?
Pure stupidity?
I could not believe this conversation and would love to hear your thoughts on how I should treat this walking vagina while at work.
Thanks again, wise old sage.
That is the gayest thing I've ever read in my life.
That someone is thinking of a family and would practice first with two dogs?
That's the only question I have with this letter is what's worse?
Watching your girl play Sims or buying dogs and a stroller for one of the dogs to test out how being a mom is?
Or watching her play The Sims.
I already said that, you tard!
Yeah, yeah, that's a third option, though, because it's that bad.
Okay, thanks, Ryan.
Ryan has an update, folks.
There's actually three things we're wondering which are worse, and maybe you at home could try to figure it out with us.
Number one, watching your girlfriend play Sims.
Number two, using dogs as tests for kids.
And then number three, Ryan wants to add, watching your girlfriend play Sims.
Um, it's pretty close.
One and three are pretty similar.
Them being exactly the fucking same and everything.
That's the joke.
It's like one, watching your girlfriend play The Sims.
Two, getting a stroller for your dog.
Or three, watching your girlfriend play The Sims.
That's not how those jokes go.
Oh.
What are those shoes under your desk?
Those white ones.
Oh, these are Stan Smith.
No, no, the other ones.
Primed it.
Way, way down.
No, under your desk.
How can you not?
Oh, those are my girlfriend's shoes.
And they've been there for weeks?
I guess.
I haven't spotted them.
I smelled them.
They smell fine.
You're a real keeper.
So yeah.
This guy is the biggest loser in the world.
Avoid him like the plague.
He has zero balls.
He probably beats off all the time.
And his girlfriend got the dogs because she doesn't have the balls.
I mean, he doesn't have the balls to take control of the relationship.
So they're both doing that gross thing.
And you see this in New York City a lot, where rent is so expensive that people don't want to move, where they're just sort of gliding through life.
You know, it takes some courage to propose.
Most of it is balls.
You kind of know that she's the one and then there's that point where you sort of inhale and go, let's fucking do this.
I've checked all the boxes.
We haven't had a major fight in six months.
We've lived together.
I think this is the one.
I'm going to fucking do it.
And then you go, will you marry me?
You get the ring and stuff.
I of course had the greatest proposal of all time because I'm amazing.
I had, my wife loves Paris, so we go to Paris, we're under the Eiffel Tower, a little ethnically ambiguous girl runs up, because my wife's ethnically ambiguous, so I wanted it to look like what her daughter might look like.
She hands her a crumpled up piece of paper, a bag, a crumpled up paper bag, and she says, and then runs away.
That's, hello ma'am, I have a little gift for you.
And my wife opens, uncrumples the bag, and there's the ring inside.
And I didn't get down on one knee, because it sets a bad precedent.
And I said, standing, will you marry me?
And she said yes, and cried, and that was that.
I had set that up, obviously in advance, paid a kid a hundred bucks through friends.
Nice.
That's romantic.
It occurred to me they could have swapped out the ring with an exact duplicate, but that would have been a hell of a lot of work.
And you'd have to do it real fast, because I gave them the ring that morning.
But then you have other, like, I know a friend of mine went to Ireland to propose, and he'd lived with the girl for five years.
She was 25.
They started when she was 20.
He asked her to marry him, and she said, no.
I'm too young.
Which translates as, I need more dicks.
Which is weird because dicks, I've seen a lot of dicks.
I've been to the gym, you know, swimming in school, hanging around, not being gay, but just dicks are around when you're a normal dude.
They're all pretty similar.
Once in a while you'll see some insane dick and you go, holy shit.
In the changing room, or some dude who just has like a nib, a nub, where it's like a donut of pubes with just a little button in the middle.
Those are unfortunate, but it's pretty rare.
Most of the dicks you see are around similar size.
And it's not, I mean, I have heard one girl once in my life talk about she was in a relationship with this guy and his dick was too small and she was like, I really like him though, I guess I'll have to do more anal or something if I ever want him to really put out the fire.
That's once in my life.
You hear dudes talk about dicks all the time.
Like Howard Stern is always like, how big are you?
Have you measured it?
But I've never, and I've talked to a lot of chicks in my 50 years, and I've, that's the only time I've heard a woman complaining about a small dick.
So it's a weird thing to want to try a bunch of.
Alright.
Um...
Gavin, I have an idea.
Not sure if this is a good email for you.
I'd like to build a simple site where folks could go, where you and anyone else could have their minds telegram, parley, whatever, at their fingertips.
But I want to stay anonymous.
I have a lucrative job at a very left-wing tech company.
I have a family to support.
I see what's happening to folks, and I can't risk it for myself slash loved ones.
I dig that it kind of makes me a coward.
My questions, 1.
Do you know how I might stay under the radar while watching this thing as a company?
2.
Do you think the idea could actually solve problems?
3.
Any chance you'd want to be an advisor as I build it?
Hey dude, uh, fuck you.
You're a pussy.
You're a loser.
Get fired.
Grow a ball.
I love how these guys, they want to get involved in the fight.
Fight for freedom, but anonymously.
You would have been great to have as an ally during the Civil War.
You fuckin' wimp.
And the idea that I would work with this dude... Yeah, okay, I'll secretly work with you and give you all my information while you stay anonymous.
That's not the way wars work.
Fuckin' cunt.
I hate seeing people be weak.
If you're gonna be weak, do it privately.
Don't show me your weakness.
Sad.
I'd like to take a moment to talk to you about Bette DSI.
Yes, they're back.
They're back with us.
They've been paying winners for 20 years.
You go there, you can bet on pretty much anything.
It's not just sports.
So it's great for betting with sports.
It's funny hearing about people using BetDSI and all the strange rules that the state of New York has, where you have to sort of extend your phone 10 feet into New Jersey to play certain bets at certain times.
All betting should be totally legal everywhere you go.
Yeah, but some guys lose all their money and get beat up by the mob.
Yeah.
That's the deal, dumbass.
That's the price you pay.
No, no, but some guy will go like 150 grand in debt to the mob and they'll break his kneecaps.
Yeah.
That's the deal.
But anyway, that's not BetTSI.
They are totally legal, top rated on betting review sites, and it's a great way to make sports fun.
Artie Lang would talk about this.
He'd say the best way to turn any boring game into a party is to bet a bunch of money on it.
He also insisted that cocaine was involved, but I think if you want to...
If you want to see the dangers of that kind of a mentality, you might want to Google Artie Lange's nose.
Because it looks like a beanbag chair with no beads in it anymore.
Yeah, I bet my cart lives on the Giants game.
Did I tell you about Tony Curtis?
Did I ever tell you about Tony Curtis?
I did.
I think I did.
I used to do that so much better.
It's still way better than mine.
BetDSI.com offers wagering has been playing winners for 20 years.
You use this link.
The link is BetDSI.com slash Gavin.
It's very important that you use the promo code Gavin and that you register and actually put money down and they'll take that money and double it.
More than double it just so you can start winning today.
So again, they offer options on pretty much everything.
You can bet on fighting, NBA, March Madness, NFL, NHL, NCAA football, and all other major sports, politics, reality TV, eSports, virtually everything.
They have a very user-friendly interface and mobile site.
Beth DSi has the fastest payouts in the industry.
You simply play, win, and get paid.
But you have to use the code GAVIN And you have to actually put money down.
We had a bunch of people registering but not using any money and that don't count.
Yeah, I love, you know how much I owe my son, by the way, speaking of BetDSI?
A hundred, a hundred and five bucks.
I was gonna, there's this great sub place in the South, in the North Bronx called Oh, we've been there, yes.
Uh, fuck.
It's Mella Cantina?
Mia?
Maria?
You know what?
I just realized I would not have remembered it, even if you said it.
Um, sub shop.
This is still part of the bet DSI read.
Sub place.
Yeah, here we go.
It's called Anne Claire's.
In the Bronx.
And they make these subs.
The Godfather.
That's unbelievable.
And I said to my son, I'll bet you 50 bucks.
Actually, I don't bet him money.
I should start betting him so he can lose money.
But I say, I'll pay you $50.
I'll pay you $50 to finish that entire 12-inch sub.
And it's got all these weird meats on it, and it's kind of spicy, and there's... I think there's jalapenos in there, too.
Or some... not jalapenos, but some spicy peppers.
And he couldn't do it.
But I also paid him at the batting cage.
I said, I'll pay you $100 if you can whip a ball into that tiny hole that the ball comes out of from the... at the batting cage.
And he fucking did it!
No!
Yes!
Wow.
I also paid him 50 bucks to jump off Keith the Cop's boat.
This is in the, what's it called, Sheep's Bake Bay or whatever.
We were watching the air show, and the water was just ice.
And he jumped in.
One time I paid my brother 100 bucks to eat a cricket.
And we were at the bar that night, and I go, shit, I'm out of cash.
He goes, don't worry about it, dude.
It's on me.
I got cricket money.
Yeah, that's right.
He had big, big cricket money.
Anyway, simply play, win, and get paid.
Use the code GAVIN.
All right.
Let's get back to matters at hand, which is the mail bag.
How are we doing for time?
I think we're out of time.
We're at 39 minutes.
Oh, good.
That's the good thing about Monday is it's like the cleanup day.
Sorry, Costa Rica bitch.
Sorry for the profanity in the subject.
Where should I go in Costa Rica?
I was there last year and loved it.
I'm a fan of the hidden gems like Montezuma.
Maybe you can tell a crazy story that happened while you were there, too.
I've told some crazy Costa Rica stories.
Yeah, Montezuma was where we used to go because we used to love to get wasted.
And it was called Montefuma, Coco Rica.
However, Montefuma is very hard to get to, especially if you're poor.
That means you have to take the fare and you don't get a little sansa flight.
Um, so you're not going to get pussy there, because if a place is hard to get to, then it's usually just men that can climb the mountains and go down the things.
It's sort of like that Leonardo DiCaprio movie, The Beach, but a little more disgusting.
Um, shitty.
But so bring a lady with you.
You're not really, it's impossible to get laid in Costa Rica.
And then when you do find a chick in like San Jose, which is one of the most disgusting cities in the world, she just wants citizenship and she wants you to get her pregnant so you can pay child support for the rest of your life.
And it's, that's not pleasant or romantic.
Um, so no, I'm not going to do that.
And why do you get to email me and ask for travel tips?
What am I, your fucking slave?
What is this?
I get all these emails, these young men going, Hey man, I just graduated college and I'm wondering what I should do.
I'm wondering if you have any advice.
Don't you have a dad?
Don't you have, I'm not your friend.
Hey, GOML.
G-O-M-L.
The subject of this is Chelsea Handler.
The addition of Ryan Katsu Rivera to the show and podcast has no doubt been a great move in terms of making the content more personable, as well as adding another dimension to the conversation.
The chemistry between you two is great.
An old-school dad begrudgingly adopts a fatherless boy who thinks it is okay to wear a fanny pack across his chest.
But... Is there a but?
Do you wear a fanny pack across your chest?
Um, sometimes, yeah.
For filming it helps.
When I'm holding a boom mic and I have my levels right there, it helps.
It's practical.
With that being said, boy is he retarded.
I like how he doesn't swear.
Holy cow is he retarded.
If possible, could you please ask him on air how his shitty brain got Chelsea Handler and Chelsea Clinton confused?
Love your new sunglasses.
Yeah.
Here's another thing too.
Like I'm talking about Chelsea Handler.
Everything's going fine.
And then you interrupt me to say, actually, it's Chelsea Clinton that has a show on Netflix where she bitches about sex all the time.
And my attitude, if I was you, I'm more sort of curious and maybe a little less cocksure.
And I go, I could have sworn it was Chelsea Clinton.
And then I would Google it and go, no, no, no.
What am I talking about?
Yeah, I don't know what that came from.
Like when I was arguing with Mark Lamont Hill and he goes, what percentage of America is Muslim?
And I said, I don't know, like 1%?
And he laughs in my face.
He goes, are you out of your mind?
And then I started doubting myself and I thought I was pretty sure it was one.
And then I go, well, it's definitely between one and five.
And he goes, oh, that's a big difference.
And then we looked it up and it's like 1.1.
Yeah, it's 1.1.
Well, I don't know.
I think there was actually some infomercial about her getting Thai food, I swear to you.
And then maybe Chelsea was making fun of it.
Because I remember we watched it on Pat's show once.
Wow, so you're sticking to your guns.
Yeah.
There is no commercial on earth of Chelsea Clinton and Thai food.
The two have never come across each other ever.
What are you doing?
Are you on your phone?
Yeah.
What are you doing on your phone?
Multitasking.
Texting your girl?
No, I listen better when I'm doing something with my hands.
I can't sit still.
Otherwise, my leg does this.
And then it's like... What's the matter with that?
It just bothers me after a while.
It's gotta bother somebody else.
Oh, shut up.
The neighbors?
Yeah.
Lewis Halton.
Can't go in there.
Millennial's planning a little bit, but I thought it'd be cool to sell t-shirts on your new website with classic lines.
Of course we're doing that shit for brains.
Alexander Duncan.
Hey Gavin, have you seen the Canadian MMIWG Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women and Girls final report?
They use the word genocide openly and state that all Canadians have a role to play in ending the violence.
They include all these trannies as women.
The report also does not address the fact that indigenous men are murdered slash reported missing much more frequently than women.
And that around 70% of the violence comes from other native people.
The report is extremely liberal and biased.
It costs Canadians 92 million dollars.
What are your thoughts?
My thoughts are reservations are shitholes and it's because of welfare.
A great book by Naomi Schaefer Riley, The New Trail of Tears, and she talks about how they give these Indians a free house, but that the Indians can't use that house for any collateral, for a loan, so they're not really giving them a house.
They're just letting them stay there like a homeless shelter, and they don't end up with any sort of sense of self-worth.
So they're bored on welfare, they get addicted to alcohol, and it becomes this cycle of shit.
And just like charter schools have rescued public schools from, or prevented public schools from ruining the lives of black kids in Harlem, any kind of privatization could save the reservation.
You know, if you're gonna give them money, just give them the money, and then move on.
And yeah, the whole idea of missing indigenous woman, it implies that there's these rednecks coming around and like murdering and kidnapping women.
That's not what's happening.
There's, it's sort of like the same with black girls.
There's this, this huge epidemic of missing black girls that have been kidnapped.
No, it's black girls that get into trouble, get into drugs and just leave, vanish, start hanging around with shitty dudes.
They don't bring their phones.
There's not this, there's this weird sort of subtext where there's these evil white racist kidnappers running around all over the place.
So yeah, my thoughts are that that misleading report is totally ignoring the real crux of the problem, which is socialism.
This is from Connor Johnson.
I'm a freshman in high school and I've been in zero relationships.
Sometimes, and I didn't have lunch today, so a lot of these responses are just going to be, fuck you.
Yeah, I've noticed that.
Dear Mr. McInnes, I live 45 minutes away from my high school and my friends live an hour away from my house.
Because of this, I'm not able to hang out after school or on weekends.
I have never kissed a girl or been out on a date.
This is largely because I haven't been interested in girls until the last year or so.
Now I think about them every second of every day.
How do I get into the social loop?
I like your new sunglasses.
P.S.
Ryan basically did your all-day recess idea and your no-college idea and he's $11,000 in debt.
You might need to work on that one.
PPS, drama is pronounced, so it rhymes with llama, not pajama.
Yikes.
I like how he's a real expert on all the important stuff.
Like, listen, I don't get pussy, but let me school you on something.
Yeah, Ryan is deep in debt, and he didn't go to college.
Can you imagine the debt he would have if he went to college?
I had a dream I went to college last night.
I'm thinking about it now.
Like a shitty, shitty college.
So, Ryan, believe it or not, the situation he's in now is the lesser of two evils.
I didn't say, don't go to college and you won't be in debt.
I said, don't go to college and you'll be in a lot less debt.
He'd be hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.
And the funny thing about that 11 grand is, it's never going to get paid off.
It's just going to keep growing and growing and growing.
He's incapable of handling money.
And I've given him a million solutions.
I even hooked him up with a debt paying place.
I told him he needs to switch to cash and cut up all his credit cards and delete all his apps.
And he's like, no thanks, I'd rather pay a $35 fine every time I'm overdrawn.
So when I buy three things, they cost me $100 in overdraft fees.
All of that is partially true.
But the thing is, I'm a week behind.
So I'm always one week behind.
And if I just had one week of advance, which I never asked you for, because that's weird.
That's total and utter horseshit, Ryan.
No, really.
You had all that freelance stuff where you were making shit and getting extra money and it went out the door.
You fucking elbowed your door in to the tune of $700.
Right.
You thought you lost your keys.
They're in your girlfriend's jacket.
And so you thought, rather than search really hard for my keys or check my fucking jacket, I'm just going to shoulder this door in.
And I paid the piper.
You paid $700 for that.
All I need is just a little bit more and I could get out of debt.
Not get out of debt, but I am behind one week, exactly.
Well then don't spend any money that week.
Like you take Ubers to the movies.
That's not what poor people do.
When I was your age, we ate out of the garbage.
We did nothing.
But you didn't have to eat out of the garbage.
What?
You were punks.
You said you weren't poor enough to have to eat out of the garbage, but you just did for fun.
No.
There'd be times when I was so broke that I would sift through the garbage.
When I was a janitor at my school, getting up at four in the morning so I could be there at five, I would pick through the garbage sometimes and eat out of it to save money.
Shit.
I also was a bike messenger in Montreal in the winter.
Do you know what that's like?
I also planted trees in Northern Canada where it would snow all night in your tent, outside your tent.
And then at noon, it would be like a hundred degrees.
Biggest temper variation on earth.
Sheesh.
Did I say temper variation?
Temperature.
Probably that too.
Your temper is probably all over the place.
Just if I could just get that week.
I never even asked you for that.
I love how you're so proud of yourself that you didn't ask me for an extra week's salary.
It's not like I brought it up out of no place.
You know, I need a pat on the back.
I never even asked you to give me a week's in advance.
That's the kind of guy I am.
Just a real salt-of-the-earth kind of dude.
It's Chelsea Handler, Ryan.
What the fuck is the subject for this?
H. Okoya.
This episode I couldn't agree with you more for the following reasons.
Once a person is in a committed relationship they truly care about, no more friendships with the opposite sex.
It's pointless.
I was actually at a baseball game today and the dad was really fixated on the game.
Because his son was in it, he was called up, and the wife, who's very attractive, which is also problematic, I would have preferred a fat pig, is really cool and interesting.
So even in that time, I was careful not to be too goofing with the gals.
Not to be too Ross Andrews and be like spending my whole time talking to her.
And I also watched my body language and made sure that I was always like on the dad side of the couple.
And then when he left, I talked to her for a bit and then I would leave and go talk to another dad and was very careful not to be too buddy-buddy with his hot wife out of respect for him.
So even in short little bursts, you don't want to be too buddy with men's wives.
I don't see why you need to confide in an opposite-sex friend about your life or hang out.
It just seems deceiving.
Childless older broads can be very annoying, just like the queen of them, Chelsea Handler.
I've spent many a time with them as my friends, and they are a selfish, miserable woman.
This is, by the way, written from a woman's perspective.
This is Heather from Southern California, but not LA.
Another annoying trait, women thinking they are man-tough.
Some woman had mistaken me for one of these in the past because I'm, I was my children's only parent without child support.
And then she sort of mentions, I would have loved to stay married, but in my rare circumstance, it was safer for me to get myself and my children away from my criminal ex-husband.
If I were in a situation where I had to fight a man out of self-defense, I would try my best, but I'm not disillusioned with thinking that I'm stronger than a man.
And by the way, when I shit on single moms, obviously if you escape some criminal drug addict that was beating the shit out of you, I'm not going to sit there and go, you stupid bitch.
What have you done to your children?
I hate that too.
I just, my problem with single moms is when they brag about it on, you know, blogs and Huffington Post and single moms rock and I get to do all this stuff and order Thai food.
I saw one article, this woman wrote about how great it is being divorced and how she doesn't, and she listed all these terrible things her husband do like tickle the boys and get them all riled up before bedtime so they were too pumped to go to bed.
Yeah, that's horrible.
Your husband bonding with your sons.
Or tiring them out.
Or roughhousing with the kids.
That's the goal of it, to tire them out, isn't it?
No, you do get them pumped before bed.
I do it all the time.
It's great for everyone, slightly annoying for whoever's reading the books to the kid.
But uh, it's great for the kid.
And in her whole essay, she didn't mention the kids once.
It was all about me, me, me, and things are better for me.
Louis C.K.
does that too.
Kevin Hart does that.
Another thing that annoys me is women comics, she's talking about stand-ups, talking about their vaginas.
I always think the joke is on them and they've had their vaginas overly used physically and in their comic acts.
And the homeless thing.
A lot of homeless people hate homeless shelters.
Not a surprise since they hated society's rules and then they don't want to live by a homeless shelter rules.
I asked this question on Quora once and a number of people came back explaining why homeless people hate homeless shelters.
So I wrote this short film once that involved me going to Tent City to speak to a homeless person about moving in.
People I knew were all for the film except for the part where they had to step foot in Tent City.
People do- I don't give a shit if you wrote a movie that was never made.
Anyway, thanks for the episodes.
The more you talk about your dad, the more I like him as a friend.
I actually, you know, I had to turn off my 600 pound life the other day.
Because it was making me miss my dad too much.
Really?
Yeah.
This guy was a disgusting, self-indulgent, fucking loser.
His ass was so big that it had another ass on his ass.
It was like a backpack stuck to his ass made of skin.
And I could just see my dad.
He's very sensitive to gross stuff.
And I could just, I was imagining him there bearing his face in his hands.
Oh Jesus Christ.
Oh my God.
Oh, turn it off.
Turn it off.
Oh my God.
That is absolutely pathetic.
He loves the word pathetic.
And I go, I can't watch this without him.
It's making me miss him too much.
See what it's like when you have a dad.
I could relate to that feeling, but not with a dad.
Because you don't have a dad.
That's right.
Well, I do, but he's not.
Well, your dad doesn't love you.
He's reserved.
He's not active duty.
Your dad doesn't love you, Ryan.
That's okay.
Japanese people aren't capable of love, period.
But he's, there's been, like, he's had kids with that Japanese woman.
He doesn't love them either.
No, he held them close.
Kissed them.
Read them goodnight stories.
Good for them.
And no, no dad's ever loved you.
I don't need that shit.
Pardon?
I don't need that shit.
Why is your voice breaking?
It's not.
Not even close.
Why are your eyes wet?
You can't even see me.
You can't even see my face.
Alright, I just sent you a letter that has me, her, me, her on it.
So you be her.
Okay, of course.
Dear Gavin, and by the way, the The subject here is I tried calling the cops on a girl's tits in brackets ass and it worked.
I forgot about this tip I had given young men and it is you tell a girl I need to see your tits right now and I'm calling the cops and she'll laugh and then you pretend that you're calling the cops.
And you do like, you know, ever hear Bob Newhart's phone calls or letters?
He does this thing where he's like, he's calling George Washington or something and telling him about smoking.
And you can hear him on the other line.
That's what you do.
You can't hear him on the other line.
Sorry.
Here, click on one of those.
Just jump right in the middle.
Bob Newhart.
Where are you exactly, Piper?
The Texaco Station at Hollywood and Western.
All right, straight out the door and look to your right.
You see the big hamburger sign?
Yeah, take off over that.
Yeah, you can't miss us.
We're the first international airport on your right.
See, that's what he does.
So you do that when you're talking to the cops about the tits.
And you can go a number of ways.
You could pretend that the cops are mad and they're going to be right there.
Or you could pretend that what happens is what really happens, where they would go, you can't call us for that, sir.
And you could be criminally charged.
Stuff like that.
Depending on how funny you are.
Anyway.
Dear Gavin, I heard you tell the story about show me your tits or I'm calling the cops at least a billion times since I started following you.
Well, lately I've been dating this girl and after two dates I still hadn't managed to kiss her.
By the way guys, When you're saying a sentence and it comes with a break in it, like, if you're going to be brushing your hair, then you should make sure there's no knots.
And when you do, if you're gonna be brushing your hair, it has to be comma.
You use a comma to break it up.
So, lately I've been dating this girl and after two dates, comma.
You need a comma there.
I still hadn't managed to kiss her, despite us having a good chemistry and enjoying each other's company.
Well, on our third and potentially last date, we'd gone for dinner and then proceeded to drinks.
After a while, we got to the topic of her body, somehow, and it ended up something like this.
You ready, Ryan?
Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
You're playing your fucking stupid video games.
I'm literally ready.
Okay.
Yeah, well, I actually have a pretty good body, but the last two weeks have been so intense that I've actually neglected my workouts.
Ass?
Yeah, but you wish.
If you don't show me, I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police.
What are you talking about?
You only call the police if it's an emergency.
Yeah, exactly.
It's a goddamn emergency that I've been seeing this whole time and you've kept a perfect ass hidden from me all along.
A minute later, we're full on getting it on.
Now, here comes the game changer.
You should add this to your advice repertoire.
I was five weeks deep into no wanks and my sack was already bursting at the seams.
It's funny that we're getting this letter in the mail bag.
You were laughing as her?
What was that laugh?
Acknowledgement, three times.
You laugh like a Chinese immigrant trying to blend in.
Oh, it's not a laugh.
It's acknowledgement.
I see.
Although I'd gotten some other albeit ersatz pussy the week before, comparatively, that's a good use of the word ersatz.
I don't know, I've never seen that.
Ersatz means like a pale imitation, a shitty fake duplicate.
And right next to albeit, That's great.
Albeit ersatz.
Impressive, young man.
I got some other albeit ersatz Pussy of the Week before, comparatively.
Then I went all in and said the following.
By the way, it worked for the second time just two days ago.
So this guy is now giving us tips.
Great.
All right.
Well, this may be way too much, and I'm going to go on a limb here, but I have to say it.
Okay, what?
The thing is, I only have one kink in bed.
The only thing I get off on... Sorry, he added me twice there.
So he goes, I have this one kink in bed and it's just the way I am.
I can only get off by giving.
Eyes widening.
Wow.
Really?
All guys are opposite.
They just want to get.
Yeah, I can't help it.
The only way I can get off is to go down on you.
We're leaving now.
Rest assured, the old dickaroo got dipped a few times.
Needless to say, you have to go down on her for at least 20 minutes and not be fucking shit at it for this to turn into a Me Too thing.
I'm not sure if it's because of the testosterone boost from no wanks or if it is the line, but the evidence was compelling for both as it worked just a day later.
I'm gonna try again tomorrow and again on Sunday, all with different chicks.
I'll keep you posted on my latest scientific endeavor.
Keep in mind, I will ring it soon.
This guy's a 10, by the way.
So he can say anything.
Oh, you have a picture of him?
Yeah, and I bet he could just say anything.
It's like, it seems like... Well, look him up.
He's got his name there.
He's got a weird... long... Plus, he's Northern European, so I don't know how it works over there.
Yeah, you could just be... In Schlavenkloop.
Just sneeze and get laid.
I'm looking at a guy with his name who is melt-in-your-mouth gorgeous.
Yeah, that guy's a good-looking man right there.
He looks like Brad Pitt.
He's got a suit.
He wears suits all the time.
He's active.
Mkay.
Mkay.
He's got an ethnic friend.
I got one of those.
Yeah.
What's his name?
Get it?
Wow, you really crack yourself up.
I thought that was good.
By the way, I got another letter.
I don't see it here now, but the guy was saying, how do you pick up chicks if the chick is your wife?
And I think that's a very good question.
Here's what you do.
First of all, disciplining the kids and being a dick to them on her behalf, like, don't you dare talk to your mother like that!
Or when they're like, ma'am, ma'am, you go, she's not the maid.
You clean it up.
Or she doesn't have to know where everything is.
You're responsible for your own crap.
They don't really like that.
I would think that would do well, because I'm standing up for you, but they just see a dad yelling and it's not good.
The way you get laid is, first you have to take her workload off.
Women have X amount of chi in them every day.
And when the kid's like, Mommy, Mom, where are the tennis balls?
Where's this?
Can I watch my iPad?
Blah, blah, blah.
Draining, draining, draining.
Then at the end of the day, you're like, Hey, how about a beach?
They're just, no.
I found my wife the other day.
I locked the back door, and then I couldn't see her anywhere, and then I went back to the backyard, and she was sitting there in the dark on that, you know that blue chair we have with the white hanging thing?
And she's just like drained, like I need some alone time.
I need to be by myself.
Even when I go to bed, they'll come into the bed at night.
So it's just like, ma, ma, ma, all right.
So that woman is not dying to blow you.
So the way you get laid is you maintain their chi.
They get to have a bubble bath or something.
You take the kids out.
You take the kids doing fun, lots of activity stuff.
Batting cage, playing catch, kicking a ball around.
Ooh, going out for ice cream.
Or when we had a country place, I would take the kids on like six hour walks.
And she would do nothing but look at magazines and do all that chick stuff that they love to do.
Which is basically just sitting on your ass.
Have you ever said that about women?
Like you their idea of heaven.
That's why I call my wife blobs because I said to her what would you do?
Like if you could do anything in the world you go just sit in a giant bed with like 50 magazines Yeah, that's most women.
I would die of boredom Yeah, I know like on Mother's Day of great Father's Day gift is we're all gonna go camping and the kids aren't allowed to have screens We're gonna do this and that and build a fire.
Yeah Mother's Day is just get these fucking kids away from me I want to sit on my ass all day and like eat bonbons.
Yeah, and look at stupid fashion magazines And girls that go hiking and do shit, they're really annoying.
They're usually really bad people.
Well, they're dykes.
So you want to maintain her chi by taking the kids off her hands.
Now I, what are you laughing at now?
It's true.
It's just like, hmm, what can I do besides thinking about dick?
Cause it's, I don't believe in lesbians for real.
You'd think lesbians are fake?
They're fake.
So they're just like, hmm, there's plenty of things to do besides thinking about males.
I can hike up a mountain.
You think lesbians, women who hike are lesbians pretending to be lesbians and they're secretly just trying not to think about dicks cause they want to think about dicks.
Yes.
They're stubborn.
You should write a book called Terrible Theories.
And it's all of these little pearls of wrong wisdom.
Anyway, so you maintain your chi.
Now, if you're really good, you would make dinner and do all the dishes.
I heard this woman say, I can't remember when I saw this, oh, you have so much garbage on your desk that you trip when you get up.
I heard this woman say that she has this chart this little deal with her husband Where if he does the dishes he gets a handjob if he if he cleans the house he gets sex If he makes dinner and cleans up everything he gets whatever he wants anal you name it round the world I Thought that was kind of interesting I mean my first instinct was fuck you that's weird, but then I thought no I don't mind that I'm into that If you don't like it, then don't do it.
It's just a deal.
It's an offer.
It's a free market.
Anyway.
I don't know.
I'm a shitty cook and to cook a whole dinner and then clean up everything after, I don't think I'm going to want to fuck after.
I'm just going to be kind of bummed.
But that would be a great way.
So I guess what I'm saying is, as a non-cooking kind of guy, I would take the kids for all day and then not cook.
But if you're better than me, then you would take the kids for all day and cook and clean up the whole thing.
Now you're getting so fucking late.
It's going to be insane.
But here's another, you can either add this to the pile or make this the only one.
And I've, I've been successful with this without doing anything.
And I got this, this advice from my old literary agent, Bird Lievel.
And, uh, it is you watch their shows, get some wine, get some red wine in her.
And you sit there and you watch Real Housewives or The Bachelor or whatever.
And you're just like, she's a bitch.
You know what her problem is?
She doesn't even love her husband.
Well, you don't want to start planting those seeds.
But you say things like, she doesn't even like Ramona.
She's only there for the show.
You know what?
I promise you that they have never texted each other outside the show.
Because they're two opposites.
This one is self-obsessed.
And then Ramona, Ramona's all about other people.
And those two kind of people can't go together.
And the next thing you know, you're bonding.
And she forgets all the terrible things about you and remembers what you two have in common.
And men are good at analysis.
So I guarantee you, you're going to be saying things about this show that are actually pretty insightful and helpful.
Yeah.
Agreed.
That's great advice.
That's how you get laid, boys.
And then as far as dudes getting laid, I should do a whole different podcast on that.
But my advice is to come out of your corner swinging.
So I've said this before a million times, but don't be like, hi, everyone's my friend.
You're my friend.
I just, you're just a chick, but I love everyone.
I would just come right out and be like, you are so fucking hot.
It's unbelievable.
Holy shit.
I can't look at you.
I can't even, when you talk, I can just hear, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
You're too pretty.
I have to, would you be willing to wear a burka?
I have a burka.
I'm going to go get one.
I'm going to put a burka on you and then we can relax.
That's a good one.
Because then inevitably, if you do the friendly guy, you get them back to your apartment and then you have to do that first kiss.
And it's like me kissing Ryan.
Yeah.
They go, what, what are you doing?
You got to transform into Jekyll.
Yeah.
And that's, and it also shows that you were lying the whole time.
Or Mr. Hyde.
You want to show them that you never had any tricks up your sleeve.
I've wanted to fuck you since day one, bitch.
All right.
We got to go.
That's a very long podcast.
We'll be launching the site this week.
And I'm very excited to do it.
And I like you more than a friend.
Oh, wait, wait.
I got one letter that just came in.
You ready for this?
Louise Byrne.
Hello from a London dyke.
Yes, you do have lesbian fans, believe it or not.
So just wanted to say that ever since you introduced me to this diamond on an old TGN, the Gavin McInneshow episode, I haven't been able to get out of my, get her out of my head.
So thank you.
But also wanted to say that she should definitely be in your 25 hottest lists.
Yes.
What's her name?
Cat.
Cat.
Oh, she's reminding you of a guest that you had.
Yeah.
Oh, I know her.
She did meth.
What?
Yeah.
Cat Marnell?
No, dude.
You're not even looking.
That's a cat.
There's a picture of her here.
Oh, I know.
I can do that cool Google image thing.
Yeah.
Reverse image search.
Yeah.
This actually, I'm so glad we got this letter because it reminds me of why you can't be friends with men.
Catherine Pierce.
Catherine Pierce was dating Albert Hammond Jr.
from The Strokes.
And uh, he was a friend of mine, actually lived near him.
Not Catherine Pierce the author, Catherine Pierce the musician.
She's got blonde hair and big lips and she's a southern belle.
She's a 9.6 I'd say.
And sometimes I'd be talking to her drunk and just like sitting on the floor next to her.
One time I sat on the ground when she was sitting at a table eating because I was so wasted and my id took over and I just made a fucking fool of myself.
It was embarrassing.
It embarrassed my wife too that I'm being so flirty with this chick.
So I had to just stay the fuck away from her because I liked her.
I was too attracted to her.
But Catherine Pierce of the Pierces.
Is a fucking insane knockout.
It's kind of weird for me to put her on the 25 hottest list though, because, um, uh, I know her.
So it's sort of like roaming millennial where you're coveting thy neighbor's wife.
She's a real person.
Fucking Albert Hammond Jr.
could have been married to her, but he chose heroin.
