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June 4, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:02:48
#144 | Its kind of feminist to be sexist

We’re not sure why but I mention “outer space” about a hundred times in this womencentric episode. Basically, avoiding women when you’re married is a way of showing respect to the woman’s husband and also your wife. Flirting isn’t worth the headache so why bother? We also dip into the mail bag and ready what is easily the gayest letter we’ve ever received.

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It's kind of a feminist to be sexist in a way.
And this is something you don't get until you're older and married, but not recognizing women.
It's kind of a reverent thing to do.
I got this sort of from these devout Catholic types who, um, all hang out together.
I met them through Tom Shalhoub and they don't acknowledge your wife.
The men don't see women.
It's almost like Hasidic Jews.
The Hasidim don't even touch women.
So if you go to like B&H photo and it's time to get changed, they'll just sort of drop it in the woman's hand.
They don't touch her.
And that looks like women are unpure and dirty.
It actually pissed off my wife once.
Um, but that's not really what it is.
It's like, I am not cheating.
I am not interested.
I'm not going to sexualize you.
And here's a crazy thing that might not make any sense to you.
It's kind of a feminist thing not to even know your friend's wife's name.
Like, I think when people meet super traditional Catholics, when normal sort of secular women meet them, Or Orthodox Jews or anything.
They sort of go, fuck these people.
They're treating me like shit.
No, actually, it's just being reverent to the husband and saying, believe me, dude, I am not gonna fucking flirt with your wife.
Because couples flirt.
Boomers love to flirt.
And that's not my generation, Gen X. We saw divorce.
Our parents invented divorce in the 80s.
And I remember these men sleeping on my couch when I was 10.
My parents didn't get divorced, by the way.
And they were all, it's almost like all our friends got divorced, all my parents' friends.
And they always ended up marrying women that were just like the previous one.
I remember one of them, he left his wife because she didn't want to try what's known as a blow job.
She wasn't interested in practicing those.
She said, well, I want to try them.
So, I mean, getting them.
So they pieced out.
Another couple, they would flirt at these parties they had and They'd see each other pretty regularly.
And the thing about flirting is you gotta keep ramping it up, right?
Or it's benign.
It's like a pugilist in a wheelchair.
So, the first night is, you know, you look great, I love that dress, Barb.
And then the next time you see her, it's like, you are, I swear, if our significant others are ever in a plane crash together, I think I know where I'm headed.
And then the next thing you know, you go, God damn it, look at those lips.
And then the next thing you know, you may be kissing when you're super wasted at a Christmas party.
And then the boomers, the thing about the boomers is they didn't go, oh this is dangerous.
They kept, they enjoyed the ramping up.
And they would have, uh, key parties.
Where everyone would go home, put their keys in.
Into a big bowl.
And then, uh, these women would go home with whoever's keys you picked up.
Now the thing about this is, that I find bizarre is, I'm a dude, I'd like to fuck anything that moves.
Women aren't like that though.
Like I'm sure my wife finds maybe three of my 30 acquaintances attractive.
What are the odds you're gonna grab those three keys?
Those 10% keys.
The odds are you're gonna get... Irving.
Bald Irv is gonna be pumping away into your wife.
And you set that up?
You're like...
It would probably be fun to fuck someone else with no rules, like no guilt, but the idea of having to pay for that with some bald accountant plowing into my misses?
No longer worth it!
No longer such a great deal!
So the boomers, you know, like you look at movies like The Big Chill, right?
They sort of invented the whole idea of like, we're not square like our parents.
We are friends and I have female friends and we're totally rad.
It didn't work out very well, did it?
Men and women can't be friends.
Sorry.
Just can't happen.
And you'll notice when you get married that all the female friends you had were actually Somehow linked to pussy like they were allies that would help you get laid that even the The fat ugly one would be your friend because she knew a hot chick and she might be able to help you do reconnaissance or something and it's funny because from zero to ten And you're like, what are women doing here?
I don't understand these things.
Get out of here.
You don't know anything about the Bionic Man or Star Wars.
You don't, you don't have any hockey cards you can exchange with me.
Uh, you can't play street hockey to save your life.
Why are you here?
And then around 12, 13, they grow wings and shoot light from their eyes and you can't believe they exist.
And they're a gift from God.
And even like, Touching one part of their shoe is like going into outer space and you fucking worship them.
You fall asleep thinking about them, you wake up thinking about them.
We used to have these girls, I used to hang out with, all my friends were poor when I was a kid because my parents are genetically working class.
So they didn't enjoy their middle class friends.
They wanted to drink and middle class Canadians, I don't know, back then in the 70s, they were kind of pussies.
So though my dad was a successful engineer at Computing Devices Canada, all our friends were the technicians from that company.
Because they could party hard and go all night.
So I would be hanging out with these trailer park kids or kids from sort of like subsidized housing basically.
Um, and in these bad name, not bad neighborhoods, it was, it was just lower middle class and working class, but, um, there's sort of trashy broads.
Oh my God.
One of them raped us, by the way.
But there were these girls and the fashion back then in like early 80s was feathered back hair like Farrah Fawcett, skin tight jeans where you needed a coat hanger to pull up the zipper.
And then these like Nike blazers where they have a really puffy tongue on the front.
I think they still make them a similar version.
And then lumberjack jackets, big baggy lumberjack jackets, like plaid sort of flannel jackets.
Um, and so these insanely hot girls, like if you could see them in my memory, they're fucking angels.
I bet if I saw them now, I'd go, that's a bunch of zit face sixes.
But holy fuck were Donnie and I ever in love with those girls.
And they would, we would go and buy them cigarettes, which you could do back then.
And they would give us a kiss on the cheek in exchange, which was like going to fucking Mars.
It was heaven.
And then one of them, I think her name was Monica or something.
She was babysitting us.
So maybe we were 12 and it was New Year's Eve and I think she was drunk.
I think she was like 17 and she was drinking and she was holding me and Donnie down.
And she was making out with us, and we pretend to be fighting.
I guess it was essentially pedophilia, right?
She was 17, we were 12, and she was making out with us.
And I remember I had a little journal back then, and I said, blah, blah, blah, held us down.
Monica held us down and smooched us.
She smooched both of us, but she smooched, and then I wrote that in bubble letters.
She smooched me way longer and then had balloons.
Happy New Year.
We fucking loved it.
And then the next day, we, um, we went to her house cause we figured that's our girlfriend now.
Donnie and I are dating Monica.
So we just rang her doorbell.
Hey, it's Monica there.
Of course we're kids.
So we're there at like eight 30 in the morning and this is after New Year's Eve.
So she's destroyed, hungover.
And so was her mother who answers the door at eight 30 and we're like, it's Monica there.
Yeah.
We're her boyfriends.
Um, So then they stay like that and then you get married, whatever it is, uh, 13, about 20 years later, 23.
Yeah.
And, uh, it's weird right after you're married, you go, okay, I'm now talking to a woman.
I have zero interest in fucking.
And you thought, well, that's, I had plenty of female friends.
I didn't want to fuck.
No, not really, dude.
It was part of every interaction you had with females.
So then you start talking to women after you're married and you're sort of like, hello, how are you today?
Do you like music?
Do you like to listen to rock and roll?
You're basically from outer space.
And I keep mentioning outer space.
You just landed here.
You're like the Coneheads.
Hello.
Is everybody on this planet a tree planter?
And that goes for a while.
And then you start noticing, like at parties, where everyone's married, the women are all in one room and the men are all in another room.
And you realize, yeah, we're not really meant to be bros.
Cause I'm thinking about sex.
Like in the workforce.
I know this sounds very old fashioned, but women, they get kind of bored and they, they have some fun outfits and at work they want to sort of kick out the jam sometimes.
They're like, I have the fucking hottest little pantsuit with my five inch stilettos and I'm going to wear makeup and have my hair all long over my shoulders.
You're at work, you're bored and you're getting a little bit horny.
So you see this woman and she's got some form and okay, we have to get these C-310s down to the mailroom by 4 o'clock and you're just like, I'd love you to just sit on my fucking face.
Like all those affairs that happen with bosses and their secretaries.
And Jordan Peterson said this, he goes, if women don't want to be sexualized in the workplace, why do they have lipstick on?
I mean, lipstick was made to simulate blood rush rushed vagina lips.
High heel shoes are made to elongate the leg and push the buttocks out.
Blush on cheeks is meant to simulate a woman who's sexually aroused and has blood rushing to her cheeks.
I wonder what mascara is supposed to do.
I forgot that one.
Make you look more Chinese?
Anyway, I believe, and I just came up with this theory like an hour ago, when you're sort of like cordial but distant with A woman at a, you know, a mom and dad event, and you're sort of like, hi, how are you, hello, and you're obviously, you know, nice, but you don't, like, bro down.
Like, what do you do, call her?
Hi, Mark, is Sarah there?
You mean my wife?
Yeah!
Uh, yes, why?
Oh, I just want to shoot the shit with her.
Does that sound crazy to you?
Even back before I was married, I sort of had this, this opinion bubbling and people would say, what?
My best friend's a girl.
And I go, really?
Okay.
So how about you and your girlfriend, you tell your girlfriend that you're going camping with Leslie for three days, just you and Leslie.
And you might as well share a tent because it's a waste to pitch two tents.
So you two just get a tent together and camp for a few days.
Is your girlfriend okay with that?
I actually met someone who said yes.
Dave Hill.
He was a comedian that we used to, that I used to be buddies with.
And he had a female friend that I think he did go camping with.
Eh, no.
So I'm kind of juggling too many things at once here.
One, a woman in the workforce, we kind of pretend it's going great, but it makes a lot of us kind of uncomfortable.
And with all this me too shit, I know I'm meeting guys that say, we would never put this down on paper, but we don't hire women.
It's just not worth the risk.
And then that starts me thinking, well, maybe you're just not meant to be in the workforce.
Like I saw this video recently of some, Bail bondsman and she's female and she's dealing with a guy who skipped bail and and she's talking to him he thinks everything's going cool and then she's about to arrest him and he starts freaking out and getting physical with her not really too physical but just refusing to be cuffed and she pulls out a gun and shoots him in the stomach kills him dead her son is there he's about 18 he's bawling his eyes out she's just like call 911 Really?
Did you have to handle the situation like that?
Are you cut out to be a bail bonds man?
I believe is the term.
Or then there was another case recently.
I might be in my notes here.
Where a woman was killed.
She was working at a homeless shelter in the Bronx.
And a homeless shelter, especially in New York City, has got to be the most dangerous place on earth.
Like, well, not on Earth, but in America.
I mean, even in East New York, where there's a murder a day, don't be in the wrong gang, don't be in a Latin King, or don't be a crip in a blood neighborhood.
You'll be relatively, there's some rules.
I'm not going to shoot you when you're with your kids.
But a loony bin is what a homeless shelter is and there's no rules with the insane.
So they're just gonna shoot you in the fucking head.
Or bite your face off.
Or literally eat your face.
Remember that guy in Florida who ate some couple's face-es?
So the people who should be manning, I use that term not loosely, a homeless shelter are fucking wildebeests.
You should be 6'4", a cop.
You should have done MMA.
You should like violence and be totally comfortable fighting three people at once.
Not like a plump lady who just wants to help.
What the fuck is she doing there?
It's all this bullshit feminism where they say, you know, they watch Charlize Theron do a bunch of fucking roundhouse kicks and the next thing you know they think they're invincible.
I keep seeing this every night.
Not every night, but regularly on, you know, When there's trouble at a bar, it's always some woman, some five-foot-tall woman, getting in the grill of some bouncer or some other guy going, what you gonna do, bitch?
What's up, bitch?
You wanna fucking go?
Try me, motherfucker!
And you're like, lady.
Lady, lady.
We really drifted from the term lady.
So I'm conflating a lot of different stuff.
The woman in the workforce thing is hard to prove and it's kind of tricky, but it is weird.
Like Kevin Spacey today.
He's in court.
He groped a guy's ass.
So?
Doing business in New York and advertising?
You have asses groped.
Gays are hitting on you 24 hours a day.
I've been me too'd 9 million times.
I would have given you that contract if you'd let me suck your cock.
Well, that's not happening, Jerry.
But, uh, maybe we can do business in the future.
And then you could get a beer with that guy.
You just go, that crazy fag, he's talking about blowjobs all the time.
Anyway, do you want a Bud or a Maker's Mark?
We're okay with it.
We're definitely not traumatized.
If a homo hits on us, we're fine.
And I think this guy Kevin Spacey's, the ass he grabbed, was a dude's, like another gay.
Really?
Were you up all night crying after that?
Were you shaking in your sheets?
Kevin Spacey touched my buns.
I'm gay, of course.
I've had sex with 3,000 men.
I've had regular orgies, but that groping?
Come on!
I think the worst part about groping that guy's ass is that his pants would be on fire because he's such a liar, and you'd burn your hands.
So now that I'm in a 20 year marriage, I don't really deal with broads.
And sometimes when I do, I don't like the way I behave.
I don't mean I'm like abusive, but I get kind of weirdly flirty and it annoys me.
I annoy myself.
Like the other day at soccer, some insanely hot Latina mom came, walked onto the field and I just had this like, hi, how are you?
I think I thought I recognized her and I knew her, but it's because she looked like that actress who's in that TV show.
She's in an action movie now too, but she's like a Mexican chick who's a virgin, but she's pregnant and she's a teacher at a school.
You know what I'm talking about?
She's also in some action movie where she gets kidnapped by drug lords and then she ends up, I don't know, kicking all their asses and shooting them and stuff while wearing a nice dress.
She looked like that woman.
So I thought I recognized her and I had this really obsequious like, hi, how are you?
And I hadn't had said hi to any other parent but her.
There's an episode of King of Queens where a waitress is nice to Doug Heffernan.
That's the guy in King of Queens.
And he thinks she likes him.
And then he has a shower and dresses really nice whenever he goes to that same deli to get a sub.
We find ourselves doing that as married men, and it's fucking gay.
My son is kind of like that, my six-year-old son with his babysitter.
He thinks that they're boyfriend and girlfriend.
He doesn't realize that we pay her to look after him.
So if she's coming over, he'll wear his best Fortnite shirt and be kind of Clint Eastwood-y, like, hey, what's up?
Oh, fuck.
I'm super burnt out, man.
I partied last night.
Anyway, you want to play pop the pig or snakes and ladders or what's the deal?
And I'll notice he gets mad if I'm around, like competition or something.
So, you know, that's sort of like a dog that's been castrated humping another dog.
It's somewhere in your DNA, but it's not quite right.
And as men get older, they still have that horniness.
And to befriend women is to embrace your horniness.
And I don't think that's a good thing to do with other women.
So I just sort of steer clear.
This might be from not masturbating all the time.
Maybe these guys who beat off ten times a day, they can like just goof with the gals.
You know what's a fun joke to play?
Inevitably at every party, right, especially when you get to my age, late 40s, the women go to one room and the men go to another room.
And one rude thing I like to do is, rude thing I like to do?
Game I like to play is you go over to the ladies room and you go, hey girls!
And you go, isn't it funny how at every party, the groups always separate, then they're smiling because they think you're going to say male or female, and I go, the groups always inevitably separate to And we sort of self-sort, we self-segregate by IQ.
Isn't that interesting?
That didn't sound funny now, but it was fucking funny when I said it, okay?
What else is going on?
Lots of juicy goss in the new right scene.
Ryan, are you listening to any of this?
Why don't you explain what you're working on?
I'm working on the documentary portion of the Copper Cab versus Gavin McInnes fight.
That sounds fascinating.
Yes.
You know what's fun about the kids today?
The quality of footage now.
Like we were always making movies with Hi8 cameras and stuff and the little Sony handy cams.
But now with all this 5D stuff and everyone has Premiere.
What's 5D?
What is it?
7D that Haji uses?
4K.
Right.
No, but the camera, it's called a 5D.
Oh, XDLR.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then you get the footage back and you go, this is Hollywood level quality.
Yeah, it is.
So we're doing we got the site is going to have 30 for 30 on Copper Cab.
And I'm in that one too.
It's back and forth with us, right?
Yep.
And then there's the actual fight, which looks gorgeous.
Gorgeous.
How are you, my boy?
You look gorgeous.
Mwah.
Gorgeous.
That's what my dad always says to me.
I'm the grapevine.
Oh, the true grapevine.
You look gorgeous.
One thing he used to do, he had this sort of patronizing thing where he'd blow you, like smooch you, like mwah.
And so you're gorgeous.
And so I guess he'd say it to my mom when she was babbling, and it was just his way of pretending that he was listening.
And so he'd just look at her and go, mwah, you're gorgeous.
But it sort of meant like, yeah, I really care about you, and I'm not thinking about other bullshit.
But then he started doing it to me and my brother, like, you're gorgeous.
I'm gorgeous, Dad?
What are you talking about?
And then one time we were in Vancouver, Canada, or Banff, and he was thinking about some puzzle in his head.
And the guy gave him this box of Old Milwaukee, which is his poison, besides Bud Light.
And then he goes, there you go, sir.
And my dad was off and out of space thinking about something else.
And then he just looks at the 20 year old guy who works there and he just goes, God.
And then we walk out and I go, what's going on there?
He goes, what do you mean?
I said, you just blew a kiss at a 20 year old boy and told him that he was gorgeous.
And then he just goes.
That's how he laughs, really irritating.
So, you got that.
Then we have the Milo and Cornel West debate, the Roger Stone and Marc Lamont Hill debate.
We have History of Punk, 25 Hottest Babes in the World, my new show, which is just Get Off My Lawn, but there's a bunch of those banked, what, like 14 of those?
You listening to me?
- 15. - 15.
Off the Record, the show where we just go through a bunch of old albums.
Yes.
We should do like a sizzle reel of all the highlights, like an ad.
Didn't we talk about doing that?
For one of the episodes, but not for all the content.
No, there should be a free speech.
Ooh, I almost gave away the new... You did.
No, I haven't given away the actual URL yet.
Oh, okay, gotcha.
You always do shit like that.
Like when I said 1,200, you went, actually it was 1,200, you just blew it.
I'm just making sure you didn't give it away.
No, you're not.
You said you did.
When I hadn't.
You said a lot of it.
So I got scared.
Anyway.
And then we still gotta iron out the kinks of making sure it's live and people can call in and stuff.
But it should be any day now, right?
Yes.
Wow, you're a great co-host.
I'm sorry, I'm just, my head is in this thing's ass hard.
I'm on one and a half Adderalls right now.
What?
Yeah.
I mean, that's, I mispronounced what.
I should have said ah.
What?
Yeah, yeah.
You're gonna be up till?
9 a.m.
I've been sitting here for almost 12 hours.
Jude, if I do a quarter.
Jude, you said it.
See, that's worthy of calling out.
You said Jude.
If I did, if I did, you're going to be fucking Wyatt Jude.
That's a fucking Chinaman Jude.
If, if I, I do a quarter occasionally and that it needs a bottle of whiskey to get half a bottle of whiskey to get to bed.
I'm not exaggerating.
And then the next day is AIDS, but that's a quarter.
You've done five times that.
No, six times that.
Um, yeah, just about that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
All right.
Let's, um, so anyway, we've got a lot of work to do.
We're very busy here.
We don't have time for this bullshit.
Uh, oh shit.
I have a new fucking reading I'm supposed to do.
Whoops.
We have a new sponsor, but, uh, I don't think he sent me the thing I'm supposed to say.
Oh, here's another counterintuitive thing about sexism and why it's feminist.
Look at the situation that we want for women.
We say, ladies, your chastity has value.
Slut walks, slut phase.
When I was a kid in high school there were these girls 13, 14 that would wear high heel shoes and they would get picked up by guys, this is junior high, that guys from the high school and I think even the college would come by and I think they would pick them up and go fuck them at lunch.
These girls were 13, 14.
This was common in the in the 80s and it's because they didn't Probably didn't have dads, but they didn't understand that their chastity has value.
That's like your main thing.
Not with men, not with gays.
No one goes, oh, that gay guy, he used to be a total slut.
So gays don't want him anymore.
And with men, they just go, he's a ladies man, but women are different and, and.
You know, what's the saying?
A lock that can... A lock that can... A key that can open every lock is a skeleton key.
It's a cool key.
But a lock that can be opened by any key is a useless piece of shit.
Garbage.
And that's the analogy to meme.
Don't be a slut.
What?
Can you say that one more time?
A key that can open any lock, that's cool, it's a skeleton key, it's an awesome thing to have.
A lock that can be opened by any key is a piece of garbage that no one wants.
That's super deep.
Are you being sarcastic?
No, I have an analogy for it and that just tops mine, but I came up with my own, it was like... I thought you were making fun of me and this was like a Red Hot Chili Pepper lyric?
And you're like, oh, really?
Under the Bridge.
Yeah, great song.
The door that opened the key.
Anthony Keytis.
Oh.
No, I came up with the analogy is like, why is it OK with a double standard of guys aren't sluts?
It's like I, as a person, can go into other people's homes, like plenty of people's homes, like crash on this person's couch.
I could be welcomed into this house and Open their fridge.
But I'd be damned if I wasn't home and somebody went into my house.
Thanks for taking my great analogy and just telling me about a much shittier one.
That's what I was telling you.
This replaces my shittier one.
Why say that?
That's like Led Zeppelin are on stage playing Immigrant Song and then you get up there and you play fucking Happy Birthday on the kazoo.
What are you doing?
Let Led Zeppelin rock, my friend.
That did rock.
Do you know where you heard that from?
It's like a saying.
It's a thing.
A colloquialism, I believe, is the term.
Any his, um...
So in the feminist world, they say women are just like, women are obviously not like men.
They can make a baby in there.
Their bodies are fucking different.
We've trivialized birth to the point where it's just like men can get pregnant.
Women can have their dicks sucked.
I mean, that's the clown world we're living in.
And it's ironic because it totally trivializes womanhood.
As Ann Coulter says, women are sentient.
They can create life.
That's a gift.
It's an incredible gift.
And why, why does fem-, is feminism predicated on trivializing that and saying, no, really being a woman is about being a dude and kicking the shit out of guys in action movies.
That's where women should rock.
And we need a woman president and we need a woman fucking CEO.
We need women doing STEM and all these other masculine things.
We need women bodybuilders and we need women fucking boxers.
And they, they have to do all our shit.
And of course, then they invent trans because they trivialize being a woman so much that you can just say you're a woman and you're a woman.
And then these trans women, which are just men, end up kicking ass in all these sports.
And they are fucking the winners.
So all the top bodybuilders and weightlifters and MMA fighters and track and field college high school stars, they're all fucking dudes.
Chicks with dicks.
So that's shitty, right?
But more importantly...
The feminist world of saying that men are women just leaves women worse off.
I remember saying, I got in trouble a long time ago.
I said, you can hit a woman if she hits you 12 times.
And I thought it was very telling that conservatives were mad at me because they said, no, you can't hit a woman if she hits you 1 million times.
There's no circumstances ever.
And I thought, okay, that's a bit rich.
But the feminists were also mad.
And you know what they said?
They go, fuck you 12 times, one for one.
And you go, really?
I'm gonna punch a woman in the face?
If she punches me in the face?
I won't even have a black eye.
And she will have her face caved in.
So that's not good for you.
Feminism isn't good for women.
They end up with their faces caved in.
And so you look at a lifetime of feminism and that's just like be a slut, be a whore, don't say yes to anyone who proposes, focus on your career, don't have kids, kids are gross, you're not a baby machine, you don't want to be in the kitchen, you want to be in the workforce where you totally rock and you do great in the workforce.
And then at 40 they go, why am I still alone?
And they take fertility drugs and they try to have a kid and they have three miscarriages and eventually they have a severely autistic kid and he's not right in the head and they're single.
Cause the guy they eventually settled for was a fucking loser.
And the first guy that proposed would have been great, but she said, no, I'm too young.
I need to experience more.
So, In the feminist spectrum, what's the word?
Scenario?
Layout?
Life layout?
We end up with a really unhappy woman who is a colostomy bag for a bunch of strangers come.
Just a booty call at four in the morning.
And she has her dogs like I saw in the news.
Martin Scorsese's daughter from his first marriage.
She's my age now.
It's in her 40s and she had a sewage explosion in her basement.
So she has a GoFundMe to pay for it because though her house insurance covered the sewage explosion, which is like 40 grand.
She had to put her five pets, five, three dogs, two cats, into a pet hotel.
And that's costing her like another 20k while they make this repair.
And I guess her hundred million dollar director dad can't help her out.
So she has a go fund me.
I just thought, way to go lady.
What a great feminist life you have.
And by the way, here's another tricky thing.
If you look up surveys, they'll say actually women are happier when they're not married.
Women have a trait where the glass is always half full.
And it's an important trait for a mother to have.
I've mentioned this before, where she looks at a shitty drawing and she goes, oh, I get it.
It's a tiger.
That's adorable, honey.
They're always very positive, right?
And we dad see a drawing and they go, that sucks.
It looks like an orange dog.
That's a tiger?
Kids need both.
They need discipline and they also need comfort.
Women are great at providing comfort.
That's why a mom and a dad is such a great combination.
But when women are single and they're fucking crying, watching Netflix every night with their cats and drinking a bottle of wine and then just watching TV all weekend.
I mean, all the, all these single women really do is brunch and watch Netflix and look at their fucking phones.
And then maybe Instagram about how much fun they're having with some old picture from a holiday two years ago.
Now you interview, and when you interview them, they go, I fucking love it.
I do whatever I want.
I saw that Chelsea, what's her name?
Um, what's her name?
Chelsea Handler.
She had some commercial about her show before it was canceled.
It was all about how I can order anything, anything I want to eat.
Um, wasn't that Chelsea Clinton?
No, sir.
Yeah, it was that commercial where she's like, I could order anything.
Wait, isn't Chelsea Clinton... Yeah.
Isn't that Bill Clinton's daughter?
Yes.
No, it was Chelsea Handler.
The one who had her show on Netflix?
Yeah, and she's saying she could order whatever she wants and... Yeah, why are you interrupting me to discorrect me?
Because I remember it was Chelsea Clinton.
It was Chelsea motherfucking Handler.
She had a dumb show, and she was sitting there eating Thai food in this commercial.
And, uh, I'm watching it going, bitch, uh, if my wife said, hey, I don't feel like cooking tonight.
I'm just going to order a tie.
What would I do?
Slap her around?
Every 100% of dads from coast to coast would go, okay, give me something like spicy with kind of beef, beef in it or something like that.
Like, they don't know what we do.
These sad, pathetic, single moms.
Like Sarah Silverman who says, I used to get turned on by the smell of my boyfriend's armpits.
Now I find that if I work out hard enough, I can generate that smell myself and enjoy it.
Well, I guess you're not lonely then.
I think this was on Mother's Day too.
It's Chelsea Handler, dude.
You better not be looking up Chelsea Clinton.
I was.
No, I just looked up Chelsea Commercial.
Chelsea Handler Show Commercial.
And she's eating.
She's ordering in food.
Takeout.
Kids, they're not that great.
I think I found it here.
Oh, yeah.
I think it's very admirable that when you have kids, you can't just walk around your house in the middle of the day smoking weed.
But that's exactly what you're doing.
Yeah.
So go to about 14 seconds in.
I don't hear anything.
Walking around the house smoking weed because I'm childless.
I'm about to binge watch 10 hours of Storage Wars also because I don't have kids.
Sounds great.
Sometimes in your 20s and 30s, people will try and trick you into having kids.
But it's possible to remain childless and alone.
You just have to want it. - Well, that's not the commercial, but that's basically her humor.
That's what she does.
And that sounds great, Chelsea, watching 10 Hours of Storage Wars.
But here's the problem with that happiness survey.
A woman is only as happy as her saddest child.
It's different stakes.
It's like saying to like the best pitcher in a high school.
You're the best pitcher in the high school?
He's like, yeah, I'm the best in the whole school.
If you went to DeGrom, Jacob DeGrom, who probably is the best pitcher in the world, and you said, are you the best pitcher in the world?
He goes, I'm trying man, I'm trying, but you know, you gotta take the country with the smooth and there's ups and downs and you know, like the top pros are harder on themselves.
And if you're a woman with kids, you're a top pro.
So you're in a different league.
Here's an analogy I use.
Imagine we lived on a planet powered by playing the piano.
It's Planet Piano.
And the way we get oxygen and food and the whole economy and everything runs on playing the piano.
People who don't play the piano would be like, yeah, I'm pretty happy.
That fucking thing's hard.
And then you talk to all these people taking piano lessons and they go, fuck, I'm struggling.
This is hard.
Yeah, it's hard, but you're developing this incredible skill, this unbelievable talent.
Of course it's hard to learn the piano.
But then when the kids are 20, you're like, playing concertos.
And this isn't just a normal concerto.
This is a concerto on planet piano where we all need piano music.
So you're just in a different echelon.
You know, comparing their happiness is like comparing the happiness of a six-year-old and a 30-year-old who just got married and just started running a new business.
You talk to a guy who just started his own business, he's probably shitting his pants all the time.
And he's stressed out.
Yes, but he owns his own business.
Six-year-old is like, take me to Dave and Buster's and we're fucking good to go, dude.
Any his.
So the trajectory, that's what I was looking for before, for this feminist empowered woman is essentially loneliness and an unfulfilling sad life.
The trajectory of what we want, the traditionalists, and by the way, I'm someone who started Vice Magazine, so when I talk about these sad sluts, I was part of that culture.
I made it happen in a way.
So I have some culpability here and I'm Formerly trying to apologize and turn back the clock and say, ladies, maybe I was wrong.
You don't have to fucking give the milk away for free.
No one's going to buy the cow if you do.
But the trajectory of the conservative is don't sell your pussy for nothing.
Don't throw your pussy around.
When you find a guy who seems cool and reliable, and he cares about you, and he can build a shelf, and you're 24, fucking do it.
Start churning them out.
And you don't have to work.
He'll put a roof over your head.
So, in the empowered woman scenario, she's crying herself to sleep at night at the age of 40 with no one to love her.
In the evil handmaid's tale that I'm pushing for, this is a woman taking care of her own home, not a stranger's home.
She's not keeping the appointments of some boss from a cubicle.
She's keeping the appointments of her beautiful children that she loves and that she's worried about and that she also enjoys.
Like, yes, you worry about your daughter and you're nervous before her recital.
Then she does her dance recital and she's great and you're fucking ecstatic.
My son just won the baseball championships.
We're all jumping up and down, high-fiving.
But it was stressful watching him pitch.
I think he had strep at the time and I was worried about him not having his head in the game.
That was stressful and uncomfortable.
But I get...
You know, higher stakes, bigger wins, bigger peaks, bigger valleys.
And you know, she's not cleaning like on her hands and knees like some sad maid.
She's decorating her house.
She decides what pictures go up and we should get a new couch.
What if the couch was here?
And the pictures that she sometimes Windexes on the wall, very rarely, are of the beautiful children that she created.
So it's like her fort.
It's like the entire family is her man cave and the community around her, if she's involved, is also part of like her giant womb.
And she doesn't have to worry about the rent.
She doesn't have to worry about healthcare.
She doesn't have to worry about anything outside of the kids and, and her beautiful house and her home.
Sounds pretty good to me.
You sound slightly better off in my oppressive scenario than you do in your fucking lonely liberation.
So let's... Why don't you find the mailbag thing?
And we'll just dive right into the mail.
I have other stuff I want to talk about in the news, but this isn't really a news show, and the news is pretty visual.
It usually involves something...
Something like a video or a funny picture of a terrible tattoo or something.
So I'm going to save that for the actual show.
But that's kind of weird too because I'm banking news that by the time you see will be ancient Chinese cigarette.
There has to be a better way to say things that are old without insulting me.
You are not Chinese.
You are Japanese.
But not so much outside of the eyes because your father abandoned you at a young age and you were raised by Puerto Ricans.
So you are only genetically Japanese but culturally you come from Puerto Rico.
Puerto Rico!
So you swerved out of offending me for the Chinese thing and then you did a deep dive and offending me for the for the dad thing the Puerto Rico and then also Puerto Rico!
What are you doing?
I said I would be there in Pi Mini!
But Dad, let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
Oh, it got kind of aggressive at the end there.
I always thought that was more friendly.
Let me touch it.
Let me touch it!
It's almost through the teeth.
Yeah, imagine some chick looking at your bag and just going, oh, let me touch it.
I don't know if I'd be cool with that.
What if your significant other was just obsessed with your bag?
Huh.
Not too much imagining to be there.
She called it her lucky pouch.
Oh, you don't have to imagine that?
No.
I don't think I've ever been with a girl who knew what my bag was.
It hasn't...
It's kind of like, even if you have zero confidence issues whatsoever, you're like, this has got to be a put on.
You know, whenever you get attention.
Has any chick ever fawned over your looks, and you're like, I think you're overdoing it.
I think you're being sarcastic.
No one.
No one has ever thought I was breathtakingly gorgeous.
Oh, I thought you meant no one's overdid it, because you're that gorgeous.
Oh, no.
Although I was when I was 18, but the girls I was fucking were 18 then, too, and they didn't really talk about things like looks.
But I was with my cousin this weekend, who's unbelievably sexy.
He looks like Charlie Sheen.
And it was weird, like all these moms.
Speaking of the earlier shit I was talking about, about flirtatious, like these moms are talking to him and, oh, you're from Chicago.
I'm from near Highland Park, blah, blah, blah.
And I wasn't used to seeing enthusiastic women around men I'm with.
And I, I remembered when we were kids, he was the cool guy.
Like he, he grew up in Iran and his, his dad was in the CIA.
So he lived all over the world and his parents would just like, let him go into Tehran's downtown when he was 12 years old.
And when I was 13 going to Glasgow, he'd come in in the mornings and he'd been at the clubs all night.
So he'd be having dinner while we're having me and my cousins of my age are having breakfast.
And he was just like tearing through the pussy, tearing.
And I said to him, wow, you seem to be getting a lot of attention from the moms.
And he goes, it's never stopped.
It's never stopped.
He doesn't, he would never cheat on his wife in a gazillion years.
But, uh, to him, it's just like being a tall guy.
And people always say, Hey, do you play basketball?
What are you like six, six?
And he says, six, seven.
It's one of those.
He's like a hunk freak.
But no, I've never had, I've had women super into me, but that takes a ton of fucking work.
And usually they say things like, you're not really my type, but you're so into me that it's kind of a turn on.
Yeah, yeah.
Or like, you look kind of like a little rat or a scruffy dog or something.
People have said that to you?
The women that I've fucked have said, like they never go, oh God, you're, you're gorgeous blue eyes.
It's always like, you look like a weird little animal, but I kind of get into it after a while.
I'm an acquired taste aesthetically.
Anyway.
So this tranny just started at work and this is from Dee McCock.
Tranny's at work.
Uh, M-C-C-A-U-L-K.
I'm not gonna lie, I checked her out from not too far away and thought, she's pretty good looking, androgynous chick.
Then she spoke up in a meeting and it dawned on me that Sheena was a man.
Anyway, would it be funny to be over-the-top chivalrous towards this dude?
Holding doors, being polite, flirtatious, etc.
Yes.
That is, I believe, in the dictionary under funny.
I don't know if you could beat that.
And saying things like, m'lady?
Uh yeah, why don't you fucking, I'm not, I'm not being sarcastic by the way.
Remember that old thing in the 50s that we'd have like a blazer, they'd lay down a blazer on a puddle so a woman wouldn't have to walk in the puddle.
You'd see it in like Mad Magazine and stuff.
You should do stuff like that.
Or like when she's with The tranny is with other genuinely attractive women.
Go look at this Miss America pageant.
Three stunning ladies.
Actually, you're going to get fired.
She'll catch on.
It's sarcastic.
All right.
Personal interest project interview.
My name is Ashley.
I'm currently doing my final year of school and completing it at HSC.
For my society and culture class, we're required to do a personal interest project regarding a topic of choice.
For mine, my statement is, feminism has emasculated the modern-day male.
My reasoning for choosing this, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I'm using Germaine Greer's novel, The Female Eunuch, and The Whole Woman as secondary research, blah, blah, blah.
Below I have some, uh, I am looking at both male and female blah blah blah.
I was hoping to conduct an interview with you via email in regards to this specific topic.
Below I have the interview question.
Can you believe this shit?
I went to college.
I didn't just like send email questions to random people.
Hi, are you the head of the UN?
My name is Gavin McInnes and I'm doing a essay on the UN.
I find it really hard and complicated because I didn't do any homework.
Can you just send me like what you think and then you'll be part of my project?
That's called a prominent journalist at the New York Times or something.
Or the National Review.
You don't get to just send fucking people questions.
Let's look at them here, just for fun.
I'm not responding to this email.
As someone who influences a large audience of people, that's debatable, how crucial is it for you to support or object to feminist rights theories?
What does that mean?
How crucial is it for you as someone who influences... I don't know if secondary education is for you, young lady.
Being a public figure, do you often find people criticizing your opinion of controversial topics?
Duh.
And then she gives examples of controversial topics.
For example, LGBTQ rights, political views, feminist rights.
This is fucking pathetic.
This is grade school level.
This is like a, honestly, a 12 year old.
Next question.
Should we be endorsing more sexualization of men in the media to take attention off women or reduce all objectification of people?
Again, what?
We should be endorsing more sexualization of men.
How?
That's a crazy thing to say, but say I did support that.
What the fuck do I do?
Walk around with a t-shirt that says more sexy men?
Try to get an internship at a magazine and then say to the people doing the layout, what about we had some sexy men in some of these shots?
There's lots of sexy women, but I feel like it wouldn't hurt us to have maybe two sexy men?
Fucking academics, these little kids, they've never been outside into the real world.
Third ridiculously stupid thing that I haven't read yet, but I promise you it is.
Rape culture is an attitude that suggests that Western women quote-unquote deserve to be raped due to the way they dress and interact with men.
That's a fucking myth.
And it might go back to the 1940s or 50s, but you will never hear a judge in any court say, well, she shouldn't have been walking around in hot pants then.
No one says that anymore.
That's antiquated.
That's about, I'm not going to say a hundred years off, but getting up there.
That's a 1950s thing.
To what extent do you think this culture exists in Western society?
It's a Sharia thing that is prominent in Middle Eastern society?
Anyway, do you think that women alter their behavior in response to this social attitude?
Fuck off.
Anyway, fuck that letter.
I'm crumpling it up and throwing it away.
Man, this one's fucking long.
Alright, this will be our last letter.
You ready?
This is from Anne Andre.
A little over a year ago I had a date with a white girl who lives in Oahu.
I live in Hawaii.
To be honest, I wasn't as nearly into her then as I am now.
But she was cool and was the first date I had on this island where I actually enjoyed conversations we were having.
We christened the newly built balcony by humping each other.
After, she went back to her grandma's where she was staying while she was here.
We hung out once more and she went back to Oahu while she had her summer off.
She works on the set of Hawaii Five-O.
Sex was nowhere near special, so I knew something was different about her when I kept wanting more.
After we'd seen each other a couple more times for the summer of 2018, I decided it was my turn to visit her in Honolulu.
I wouldn't, uh, by the way, just to take a little break here, I wouldn't put too much onus on the first few times you fuck a chick.
You didn't see fireworks or something?
Eh.
Here's my advice with relationships, and I'm no expert.
I think the sex is something that comes.
It's cool if you guys are on the same page, but women are a canvas, really.
And if your sex sucks, it's because you suck.
A poor workman blames his tools.
And it's up to you to drive the boat.
She shouldn't have to fucking... In fact, I don't even like when a woman knows a bunch of moves and tricks.
That's a porn star.
That's not appealing.
When a woman sucks your dick too well, it's sort of like, where'd you learn that?
It's like my dad says, when men are good at pool or good at fighting, it means they've wasted a lot of fucking time.
The plan doesn't include boxing, obviously.
He meant street fighting.
The plan was to kick it there for Labor Day weekend while on the way back to Kona.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Conversely, I've had sex and sexual relations with women that I think are completely useless human beings, but for some reason the chemicals just worked and it was fucking awesome.
Talking to them was hell on earth, but the horsing around even kissing was fireworks.
So, and thirdly, If a relationship is meant to work, it's going to work no matter how stupid and useless you are.
You guys will keep getting back together.
If a relationship isn't meant to work, the sex can be great.
You guys can get along.
You can guys can fucking see a couples therapist, whatever.
It's just not going to happen.
That being said, I'm not advocating divorce.
I'm talking more about courting because this letter is about, you know, finding Mrs. Right.
Um, she even paid to reschedule my flight so she could have me for another day.
That's kind of a cuck move, dude.
After that weekend, I knew this was the first girl where I'd want something more, and she made it clear months before that she was possibly thinking of more as well.
This is kind of a gay thing to write a stranger, dude.
Like, you're really getting into the details here.
Don't you people have friends or dads?
Why are you showing me your jizz rag and saying, is this a big load, do you think?
Or should I maybe try to come less?
Anyway, I've never really struggled with getting laid, so me wanting to be monogamous with... Like, the way these young men talk about themselves, too.
I'm a megalomaniac who talks about himself way too much, but even I would be totally uncomfortable.
Saying, I've never really struggled with getting laid.
You're emailing this to a grown man that you don't know.
Hi stranger!
Like, why don't you go up to some fucking bald guy in a bar and go, hey, I've never really had trouble getting laid.
What do you think?
It's like another thing young men do where they go, you go, what are you like?
How old are you?
And they go, how old do you think I am?
What?
Now we're playing the guess my age from my face game?
I don't even say gay anymore.
Gays don't act that gay.
The modern young millennial, modern men are sub-gay.
I'd rather hang out with fags.
So, me wanting to be maybe monogamous with a woman, blah blah blah, who is mediocre at sex, was a big character development for me.
She'll figure out the sex, dude.
I plan to move to Ohio, blah blah blah.
I'm gonna try to be monogamous.
God, this is boring.
As I was getting my finances in order and preparing to move, I saw that we had lost some of that connection due to being far apart.
Why the f- Is this guy- Now I'm starting to think this is a prank, where he's getting me to read a really boring letter.
I was also seeing more male activity through her Instagram post stories, but I didn't think much of it.
Because I knew that that came with being on different islands, and I was humping other women as well.
However, when she was back on island for Thanksgiving, she only hit me up after I accidentally liked her picture on Instagram.
She texted me and gave me some runaround bullshit excuses for why she couldn't see me when she was there.
The first words that came out of my head were shocked and hurt.
You're a fucking fag, dude.
And I'm, I actually don't like saying that because I think it's mean to fags.
No homosexual would write this letter to a man.
Never.
He'd say, fuck, I like that guy.
And then he was like fucking me over and whatever.
He wouldn't even mention it.
So that's where you're at.
Here we go.
Still going guys.
Endless letter.
After that, she was back again in December 2018.
This time we got dinner and we were having those first date type convo where we just catch up on each other's lives.
You suck, Andre!
I've become an excellent converser, he tells me.
After I've realized it's one of the must-have staples for getting laid.
We went back to my house and started chiefing down kush smoke.
I knew it was time to make my move, so I went in for the kiss.
He spells in a lot of vowels and consonants.
She was kind of kissing back, but I knew it was that type where she's kind of just trying to kiss me so I didn't have to have the conversation of why she didn't want to make out or why we weren't going to have sex.
I knew it was the time to take her back to where she was staying.
The ride back home and the conversations were normal, but I could feel my fucking soul deteriorating.
Again, the sex isn't that fucking good.
I didn't have that Neanderthal type blue balls where I was pissed, but I didn't get laid.
I was just more hurt than anything that she didn't want to have that connection for the one time we have a chance.
You sound like a dumb bitch.
The gay thing really is fitting.
I'm not doing a gay anymore.
Now I'm doing an annoying, rich, vapid girl.
Oh, I see.
Because gays don't act like this.
To call him gay is an insult to gays.
He's an annoying woman.
She didn't want to have that connection for the one time we have a chance every three to four months.
I've seen her once more since then in late April, early May.
And again, no sexy time.
Oh, and then he puts in brackets.
And fuck, I forgot.
While she was shopping, she made me stand back so I couldn't get a look at the goods while she was in the changing room trying on outfits.
So she was setting boundaries.
Thanks for getting that detail in there, Andre.
That was a close call.
We almost missed the changing room story of your never-ending, shitty, fucking, dumb, rich bitch letter.
It's almost over, thank God.
This is one of the worst letters I've ever received.
Dude, you need to fucking join a gym, punch yourself in the face, I don't know, just like, jump out of a moving car and get some scars.
You're a cunt.
Every time we see each other, we kiss each other on the cheek.
Hello and goodbye.
That's a Hawaiian custom.
And I always give her extra to know I want more than just this half-assed cheek kissing.
She's gonna be back again in the near future to pick up her cat from her grandma's.
I'm not joking, by the way.
And we may see each other then.
It's really up to her, though.
Anyway, after reading The Death of Kool, that's a book I wrote, I realized that you and your wife, aka Blobs, why'd you decide to call her Blobs?
Had a similar relationship early on and was wondering what advice you had to successfully maneuver these types of relationships.
I look forward to the new website and thank you for getting me to pick out the book for the first time since high school.
I finished it in less than like 24 hours.
Back to me.
Oh boy.
That was a doozy.
That's a record breaker.
Remember last week we had the best letter we ever got?
This is the worst.
Was that Ben Ratner?
Ben Ratner's way better than this guy.
Yeah, no offense, Ben, if you heard this.
Ben Ratner sucks shit.
I like Ben.
Ben Ratner is such a fucking loser that he went to Disneyland with a gang, like half dudes, half chicks, all his age, all from college, boned zero chicks.
You go on a huge vacation like that.
There's like four guys and three girls, whatever.
You stay at Disney.
You're partying, whatever.
I don't think they drank very much.
They just went on rides.
And no fucking.
And it didn't even occur to him.
So yeah.
That's goofy.
He blows.
They should have slipped the chick a Mickey.
And he's, oh sorry, minor detail.
He's a 25 year old virgin at the time.
Which is pretty late.
You didn't like my puns at all?
No, I got them and I absorbed them and I gave them the laughs they deserved, which is zilch.
Dude, she's not into you and nor am I. She's right not to be into you.
You're a fucking pussy.
She put out on the balcony.
Things are going great.
And then you just became a soft, wet little cunt.
And you have no balls.
You don't know how to lay chicks.
You've got to grab the bull by the horns.
Women don't like for you to wait there and give an extra kiss on the cheek to say that you want more cheek kissing.
Just take her!
Women want to be taken in the night.
They want to be picked up and put on the back of a horse.
They want you to fight for them.
In every sense of the word.
They're not waiting for someone to be waiting for permission.
They're not the DMV.
You're not waiting for a new license plate and saying, when is that lic- when are we gonna have sex?
You said it would be like three weeks ago.
I'm not saying rape her, obviously, but... I don't know.
You gotta be aggressive, fuck.
I did- I'm talking about a letter on the show tonight.
Where, um, this guy took one of my greatest tips, which I had forgotten about, where you say, yeah, I'm gonna need to see your tits right now.
And she goes, what?
Fuck you.
Okay.
You know what?
I'm done fucking around.
Uh, I'm going to need to see your tits right now.
And I'm calling the cops.
And now she knows you're not like going to rape her or anything.
And then you go, then you're like nine, one, I'm about to dial the number one, just dump them out right now or there's going to be trouble.
Then she'll usually be kind of like, shut up.
And then if she probably show you them, but if you guys are alone and you have any kind of repertoire, but, um, if she doesn't call the cops, don't literally call the cops, but pretend you call the cops and go, yeah.
Hi officer.
Yeah.
Uh, and then you look for like, where, where, what's the address here?
And you act like you're calling the cops.
It works wonders.
Especially in cities that are kind of raunchy, like Austin, Texas.
I remember being at a party, this is nine million years ago, and I was with this girl, had huge tits, and it was like, I go, they're the elephant in the room here.
You're wearing a tight t-shirt.
You know I'm staring at them.
Let's cut the shit, just dump them out.
No one's gonna see.
It's driving me nuts.
And she sort of looks around, she goes, yeah, okay.
And just pulls up her shirt and plop, plop.
Dumps them out.
Only in Austin.
And that was before, this is the 90s.
Now Austin is fucking Berkeley and you're not allowed to write a song or mention immigration in an interview.
Anyway, that's it folks.
I'd like to apologize to the sponsor for not mentioning your product yet.
Also, the fight, I'm holding off on details because I don't want to provide an incentive to go to the site.
I was fucking nervous that morning.
And once you get in the ring, it all goes away.
Goodbye.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
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