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May 23, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:04:22
#142 | I just got beat up by a cop

More boxing talk before discussing how incredibly funny I am and how every joke has several layers of meaning. This is illustrated by some mediocre sketch ideas. Also, follow me on Telegram, RealGavinMcInnes.

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I just got beat up by a cop.
I hate fighting cops.
They don't have a fear gland.
I used to make fun of police for getting to retire after 20 years and getting a full pension, which I believe adds up to 4 million bucks, by the way.
They'll lie, and they'll say, oh no, I'm not making that much.
They're gonna make 110 grand a year.
You go crazy on your last year and you get something like 80% of what you made the last year for the rest of your life.
So you're 40, you're gonna live till 80.
Yeah, that's about 4.4 million.
But now I'm starting to think they should retire.
Because they lose their fear gland.
It like depletes.
I don't know what it is.
Is it serotonin or something?
Cortisone?
There's some sort of chemical.
It's weird.
The human body works such that the more you use something, the stronger it gets.
Like if you look at a taxi cab driver's brain, the part of the brain that handles navigation is sort of engorged and it has a boner.
That's why they're so good at directions and everything.
And then when they retire, it goes back down to normal.
Whatever does fear is the one thing that shrinks the more you use it.
And they become too brave.
Until they're just going to some house where some guy's gonna kill his kids and they're like... Don't kill your kids or I'm gonna shoot you.
Oh, you're gonna kill them?
Okay, you're dead.
Anyway, does anyone feel like a BLT?
Now, the thing about boxing is it's 80% fear.
And that's not just a pussy like me.
This is everyone.
I was watching this Muhammad Ali doc on HBO and he talks about how scared he gets.
The most arrogant person in the history of boxing poos his pants before a match.
And then he said, I'd get in with the first two punches and it all goes away.
I remember that about being in a band.
When I used to sing for Anal Chinook, not particularly Leatherass Buttfuck.
My band Leatherass Buttfuck didn't have that many gigs, but Anal Chinook were around for a couple years.
And I remember like being buckled over with nerves before a show, especially if there was hundreds of people.
And then I would get on stage and just like maybe 10 seconds into the first song it would all go away.
It would be super fun.
And it would be all about how we can make this as entertaining as humanly possible.
I was remembering a scene recently where we did a cover of Tequila but we called it Diarrhea and it was... Diarrhea!
And I would put the mic out to the audience for the diarrhea part.
And I swear to God, man, I remember them having these looks in their eyes that were something out of Game of Thrones, Walking Dead, Zombie, Apocalypse, Insanity.
Like, they were frantic.
It was like, it was Lord of the Flies.
Now, I remember going, what the hell?
Like, as I held out the mic and saw them like, Diarrhea!
Screaming at the top of their lungs.
I remember thinking what if I tapped into here?
This is bizarre I gotta go at the back door from the diarrhea patrol these guys love diarrhea But now What are we now 30 years later 35 years later?
No wait?
I'm 48 this was 18.
Holy shit 30 years later I'm slowly kind of realizing what it was it was young men Letting off steam, and this is a small government town, Ottawa, so it's like the Washington D.C.
of Canada.
It's young men letting off steam and being stupid goofs.
And we were just starting the era, this would be like the late 80s, early 90s, of men not being allowed to be useless fucking dumb idiots.
Like the Proud Boys.
Dumb assholes.
That's a really great part of being a man.
You know, belly flop contests.
That's what us men do.
Farting.
Recording farts.
There was a band, a punk band called Rudimentary Peni, and they made a tape that's like an hour of farts.
And anytime someone farted, there was this tape recorder with a microphone, and they would run over and get it on tape.
So it's just like... That's my vocal interpretation of farts.
I could have done actual farts.
Well, not actual literal farts, but you get what I'm saying.
And I'm realizing now that those crazy eyes they had were were guys saying we can finally just be stupid idiots.
We love doing this because, you know, the audience was were teenage boys, you know, 15 to 19.
I guess you know what teenage means.
And I'm realizing now how healthy punk rock and moshing and all that stuff is for a young man.
It's a really good thing for a man to do.
Better than war!
Holy shit, it's possible that the state noticed that men of a certain age have this voracious appetite for danger and stupidity and it makes them easy cannon fodder for superfluous wars like Iraq and Afghanistan.
I'm not disparaging the military.
I'm just saying that they get taken advantage of.
You gotta understand when you're talking about any group like cops or the military, you hate the top brass.
Fuck the police's boss.
You're never saying fuck the police.
Well, you are, but I'm not.
I've noticed, by the way, at the gym, at the boxing gym, I'm starting to be spoken to like a Mets fan.
And the way Mets fans get spoken to is, uh, Hey, buddy, you're doing good.
And on.
Like that's a special way to be spoken to.
It means you're a retard.
It means you suck.
Hey, you were really good in there.
Like there's not one boxer at my gym where I would ever say to him, Hey, you were really good.
That was good.
That's unfathomable that I would ever say that, which means I'm at the bottom.
There's not one person who comes into that gym at any time of day where I could spar with them and I go, not bad, not bad.
I liked that when you got me there.
If I said that to anyone, they'd laugh.
I realized recently, oh, by the way, speaking of taking 30 years to realize that, That those diarrhea guys were tapping into something very important.
Yes, you could take that quote out of context.
The young men, the teenage boys screaming diarrhea was actually a seminal moment in Western history.
And it was about young men being able to be dumb idiots.
Which is what men's clubs are all about.
The Knights of Columbus, the Freemasons, Shriners.
It's just about men not having to pull out chairs for a woman and being able to talk about fart jokes.
Or why does my ass bleed when I take a shit?
I'm not gay.
I remember this guy broke my ribs.
I call him Hydro Man because he sweats so much.
And he shattered my ribs.
You know there's a snooze button on your alarm clock?
I have a sneeze button on my ribs.
And if you push it at 100 miles an hour, I can't sneeze for a month and a half.
And this fucker, Hydro Man, nailed me in the ribs.
And now sneezing, laughing, getting out of bed, all of those hurt.
Like when you see a sneeze coming on, it's like you're Jesus on the cross and that Roman dude's about to stab you with his spear.
Like you go, oh fuck, here we go.
Honestly, I'm not exaggerating.
I'd rather kiss a homeless man on the lips than sneeze.
That's dying down and then this fucking cop with his fearless gland Nailed me today because he has no fear and when you punch him in the face It's like it's like smacking him on the buttocks like in sports and in baseball where they go good play Or in football.
That's what cops feel when you punch them in the face.
I get frazzled.
I don't like it It's like when you're it's like dancing with someone who has a taser You can't really get into the groove when you know at any moment You just get this wake-up call.
And it doesn't not hurt.
I don't understand how people go, well, you gotta take the crunchy with the smooth, I suppose.
You get a headache.
It hurts to get punched in the head.
I'm feeling my forehead right now, and it's tender from my headgear being smashed into it.
And I overheard some guys saying to Hydro Man, Hey man, why'd you gotta do that?
You fuckin' cracked his rib.
He's like, I'm sorry.
Yo, I'm sorry.
He talks like Vinnie Barbarino in the Sweat Hogs.
Yo, I'm sorry.
I'm from the Bronx.
And that took me about two days to realize, oh, they're making fun of me.
They're teasing, they're pretending they're mad at him to make fun of me for being a fucking human cracker.
Maybe that's why black people call us crackers, because we're so fragile.
Actually the FDNY calls us marshmallows.
Because we're soft and white.
That's the racist term for hipsters.
I did a video about it, a comedy sketch.
uh called the m word and i hired a bunch of firemen to uh to uh uh do it with me it was for vans i think they've deleted all my videos because i'm the hate figure now but it was a funny video we had a funeral there was a funeral for the n word around that time this is like 2009 And they literally buried the n-word in a coffin.
So we had a funeral for the m-word and we put a marshmallow in a tiny little casket, all these hipsters did, and we buried it.
This is right after I left Vice and I still had some currency.
Pre-Hate Figure days.
But yeah, it took me a few days to realize, oh yeah, you were making fun of me when you were giving him shit for snapping my fucking peanut brittle ribs.
And it reminds me of this comedian, Nate Barsgate.
I have the weirdest Twitter feed now.
I'm not on Twitter, but I logged on as Ryan Katsu Rivera.
This is probably going to get me booted off again.
But I logged in on Ryan's account before they banned him.
But I'm still on some sort of ghost version of his account.
I can't DM anyone.
I can't like anything.
But, and I can only look at Twitter moments.
I can't look at an actual feed.
But, the Twitter moments are inspired by his gay tastes.
So, it's like, what's hot in the news, and then actors and actresses, and then comedians.
So I have a disproportionate amount of I don't know, information, interest, attention, spent on random comedians that I never normally would know about, and actors.
Like, I read Barbra Streisand's tweets every day.
And George Takei, and Sam Morel and Mark Norman, and all those, like, well, I like Joe Rogan, obviously.
But all those sort of like, you know, up and coming, here, I'll look at my phone right now.
I go into Twitter, Twitter moments, and I see, I see what?
I see welcome back, and they want me to sign in, which I obviously can't do.
So I see the main news, apparently judge rules that Jussie Smollett's case file can be unsealed.
That dude, look, everything you need to know about compulsive liars is in a book called The Advocate.
It's a French book about some guy in Switzerland who murdered his entire family.
And you think at the end of the book, when he gets caught, it's all gonna come crashing down on him.
But he doesn't.
He keeps changing his story.
Sorry, I'm looking it up.
Murdered his whole family.
You're reading the book going, oh man, I can't wait.
Till this all blows up in your face.
And then he finds Jesus when he goes to jail and he never pays the price.
And that's what you have to understand.
The adversary, sorry, is that it?
The adversary.
France's most notorious killers.
Yeah, sorry, not the advocate, the adversary.
Don't keep hoping that the bad guys are going to get caught, or as they're now called in the liberal vernacular, bad actors.
What an irritating term.
Bad actors.
So it looks like a bunch of bad actors have helped support Trump and blah blah.
What?
Bad actors?
They're not talking about Jeremy Piven.
They're talking about people who do actions that are evil.
They're bad actors.
Blech.
Anyway, I have this weird Twitter feed, and, uh, I...
I have What's Happening, and then I have Stand-Up Comedians.
So, I regularly read the thoughts of Doug Stanhope, Jackie Cashion, Ted Alexandro, Dave Attell, Paul F. Tompkins.
People I could give less of a shit about.
And then, of course, George Takei.
John Krasinski, what's he got to say?
Oh, Memorial Day is coming up, John says.
Jamie Lee Curtis has some stuff.
Mark Ruffalo, who, speaking of bad actors, wow, is he brutal.
But anyway, some of it's good.
Like Nate Barsgate, I discovered him through Ryan's Ghost.
What?
Bargatsy.
Nate Bargatsy.
I discovered him through Ryan's Ghost Twitter feed, and the guy's got it.
He just has the gift.
It's like John Bonham playing drums in 5'4 time.
You just watch it and you go, Whatever it was, God sprinkled some of it on you, and you got it.
He's not particularly witty, his concepts... Like, you listen to someone like Louis C.K., and he really reaches for crazy shit, defending pedophiles, and talking about how if murder was legal, we'd do it all the time.
And he'd talk about how you'd just shoot Barbara like...
What a bitch.
Uh, I'm not sure that's true, by the way, but it's just a funny concept that I'd never thought of before.
That's Louis C.K.' 's gift, is that he can... he brings up shit that blows your mind.
But, um...
Nate's just a normal comedian.
You know, the super old-fashioned kind.
I think it's because his dad was a clown and a magician and he's just sort of from a long line of like Barnum and Bailey.
Hello, I'm a comedian.
Here's a joke.
But anyway, he has a funny bit that he tweeted out this morning about how he met a couple named John and Jane Doe.
And he goes, wow, wait a minute, you're John and Jane Doe?
And they go, yeah.
And he goes, wow, can you even do that?
Is that allowed?
And they go, well, we're doing it.
And I'm not doing it justice.
Maybe they were changing their names to John and Jane Doe, something like that.
But he goes, then I was driving the other day and I was on the road and I was thinking, wait a minute, they were lying to me.
And it took them 30 years to realize that John and Jane Doe, or not John and Jane Doe, they were fucking lying.
And it's sort of like that with those guys giving Hydro Man shit about breaking my ribs, and I was like, hey guys, take it easy on him, man.
I was coming at him, too, pretty hard.
They were joking because they know Hydro Man could obliterate me.
So they're pretending that he was too mean.
And then what the fuck's your problem, man?
They're laughing at how fragile I am.
And it reminds me of a David Cross story where he was at a bar and like a concert kind of thing.
He was sort of dancing, doing kind of a, not a mosh thing, but like a ska thing.
Where you're doing that sort of stationary jog.
And, uh, this, this couple, like a male and a female came up to him and they said, Hey, what was going on there with your dance?
And he goes, Oh, it's just like, sort of like a ska thing.
Like you put your arms up, you know, like sort of like the DRI logo, kind of like a mini mosh kind of a ska thing.
You put your shoulders up and they're like, how do you do that?
And you have your arms.
And he's like, that's really easy.
You just, you put your elbows up and you sort of like, You know, like sort of like that.
Oh, I think I got it.
And then he told me that about 30 hours later, he's sitting around like in his living room and he goes, Oh, they were making fun of me.
That's what it is.
It took him that long.
Or with my old buddy, Derek Beckles.
Who said his mother was caught in the World Trade Center.
And we all cried and, oh my God, I hope she's okay.
Literally on the day, September 11th, we're all at, was it Doc Holidays?
Waiting for news and he eventually got to a payphone and he called and he found out she made it!
She walked home dust covered to New Jersey.
I guess under the fucking New Jersey tunnel.
She made it.
What's it called?
How would you walk to New Jersey?
Ryan, how would you walk to New Jersey?
Fast.
I said walk.
How would you walk?
You'd take the train.
Thanks for the tip.
Yeah, that's it.
You walk through the Lincoln Tunnel.
That's the correct answer.
Jesus Lord.
You take the train?
That's not ideal.
How would you walk across America?
Oh, probably fly there?
Thanks.
If you had to walk up a mountain, how would you do that?
Get in a helicopter and go to the top?
Then get out and be like, I walked it!
You could walk on the helicopter.
Um...
And then honestly, so what was September 11th, 2001?
11th, 2001, I would say, again, 20 years later, I was driving around.
Remember in Repo Man where that guy goes, I do some of my best thinking on the bus.
That weird little preemie looking dude who looks like a runt.
He's the best part of Repo Man.
And he goes, people who drive are stupid.
You do your best thinking on the bus.
And we all do our best thinking when we're driving before Howard Stern came along.
And yeah, I was driving around.
I went, wait a minute.
The guy has lied to me a million times.
He's fucking lying.
Like we were all sitting there crying on September 11th, holding each other.
I, in my book, the audio version of my book, Death of the Cool, when we get to that chapter, I'm blubbering like a complete faggot.
I look like the guy on the back of Led Zeppelin for.
I'm going to just let that sink in.
That's one of the funniest things I've ever said.
The cover of Led Zeppelin 4 has a gentleman with a bundle of sticks on his back, if you recall.
And the bundle of sticks is technically a faggot.
So he has a faggot on his back.
Okay.
I deigned to explain a joke to you.
Just so you know, all the other jokes are that good.
The ones that you just go, why do you say that?
It's that high quality of wit.
Like on my, oh, I have a telegram now.
I'm trying a new social media.
I've been banished now to telegram.
I'm in the outskirts.
So how do you get it?
I guess you get the app, right?
And then you, uh, the link is a real Gavin McInnes.
All one word, obviously.
I think that's how you get it.
And the logo is the picture of me.
That sort of mug shot I used forever.
So the last one is, you can buy a slave in Libya today for $400.
Shouldn't some journalist be doing that for the story?
And then freeing them, where's vice?
Ooh, that's a rude little diss.
But on that same telegram, I saw that some whale was found on the beach.
And he had a bunch of plastic in his stomach, which is my fault.
We need to recycle more!
There's a whale with some plastic in his belly!
You fuckers!
Yeah, um, that's not us.
You know, I used to go to Costa Rica every year.
And I would see these garbage barges, and Central Americans, I don't know who taught them science, but in Costa Rica, they take a garbage barge out to the middle of the water, you know, the middle of the ocean, not the middle of the ocean, maybe two miles into the ocean, and then just drop it, drop all their garbage.
So, things that float don't sink to the bottom, believe it or not, which is a lot of shit.
Actually, the only shit that doesn't is shit.
And so the beaches that aren't, you know, super touristy and manned are covered in flip-flops, combs, and shampoo bottles.
Those seem to dominate the floating detritus.
Those are the people doing the thing.
You in the suburbs with your stupid little fucking green bucket where you put all your things there, then you have the separate one for paper, then your other one for juice boxes.
That's all horseshit.
That's the government guilting us Taking advantage of our guilt and taxing us for it.
You might as well tax boners.
It's just a natural human instinct that they've managed to monetize.
You're not helping the environment.
Something like 70% of the plastics in the oceans come from two Chinese rivers.
You can look it up.
I don't know the exact details, but you get it.
All this pollution you hear about is other countries.
Mostly China.
Anyway, in this whale they found like 16 plastic bags and it takes a little bit of research and then you realize, oh, they're rice sacks.
Yeah, that's not us.
Anyway, on my telegram I said, call me back when it's a Louisiana license plate and I'll start feeling guilty.
Now, of course, Knowing the intense layers of wit that every joke I have has, I was referring to the movie Jaws, where they conduct an autopsy and they find, among other things, a Louisiana license plate.
And to further that insider info, I would mention that part of the code was 007.
It was Spielberg's homage to James Bond.
We're dealing with a lot of layers here, folks.
But, I've been banished from comedy, so this is the only venue I have, the only outlet.
And I can't do sketches anymore.
I used to do a lot of comedy sketches.
I'm very proud of some of the ones that are popular, like How to Fight a Baby and If Men Ran Fashion, but there's other ones like Nigel Norris or something, Right in the Queen's Onions.
That one bombed, but I thought it was really fucking funny.
But I literally cannot do comedy sketches because I'm so banished.
Like for my Christmas card, I do a funny Christmas card every year that I can't show you because I have stalkers, you know, trying to get my kids.
So I have to keep it on the DL and just send it to friends.
But I have a great Christmas card every year.
One year we were Krusty Punks and we discovered touring with all these bands and I just talked about the bands the whole time.
One time we were into dancing and I talked about our dance instructor and what a great relationship my wife and him have.
I was clearly a cuck.
The kids are always in the background neglected.
Like literally dirty and wearing diapers even though they're eight years old and one of them was we were billionaires now and we feel sorry for all the poor people and the letter was written to people that are getting the card saying maybe you one day if you keep trying you can be at this level and I know some super rich I know this was super rich dude out in the Hamptons and I used his house for the shot and all his cars are in the background and one of the things I had was a Louis Vuitton bag which is fake and
Just bursting with money.
Fake money is expensive.
Like for a stack of 10,000, it's 10 bucks.
So if you want to have a million bucks pouring out of a Louis Vuitton bag, it costs about 200 bucks in fake money.
So I wanted to rent the fake money.
But the guy at the rental place recognized my name and said, I'd rather have nothing to do with you.
Thank you very much.
If you come by, I'll throw a milkshake at you.
Can we just take a break here for a second and talk about these goddamn motherfucking milkshakes?
So the new cool thing with the week left is picking fights by throwing milkshakes at people.
They did it to Nigel Farage.
They did it to Tommy Robinson twice.
They did it to Sargon of Akkad.
And they most recently did it to a war vet who served his country for 22 years.
A 70-year-old man.
Yes, he's pro-Brexit.
Sorry.
It's not racist.
That's anti-European Union.
Europe's pretty white.
So wanting to be separate from a big group of white people is not considered racist, I'm afraid.
But they threw a fucking milkshake on him.
And the cheat is, hey, it's just a joke.
What are you so mad about?
And to be honest, I've used that cheat too.
Like when we had an anti-Sharia demonstration in New York, We were clearly trying to bait the Antifa and the far left into coming out and protesting it because now they're pro-Sharia and now they're pro a system that wants women to be second-class citizens.
It's a bait-and-switch.
And so they're trying to do that to us.
But I don't think they understand that the right is constantly violently attacked.
CBS!
The good fight plays the Richard Spencer punch on a loop.
And I know we're not white nationalists.
We have nothing to do with Richard Spencer.
But in the left's eyes, Richard Spencer and Trump are the same guys.
David Duke and Ben Carson and Jeanine Pirro.
I'm not exaggerating.
If you look at the SPLC's hate list, they list all those people.
Ben Carson is a Nazi to them.
So Ben Carson, Richard Spencer are best friends.
They're all part of this evil cabal of hate.
They play that on a loop.
So we're drowning in violence.
All the time.
Pepper sprayed.
Hit with bike locks.
And we have Maxine Waters saying, harass them.
We got Eric Holder saying, kick them when they're down.
We got Tim Kaine saying, we have to fight in the streets.
That's the environment of violence we're living in.
So we know your milkshakes are not just a milkshake.
It's like MS-13 was throwing milkshakes on people.
And MS-13 kept saying, what it's just a milkshake.
Go look up the weapons that were confiscated in Portland.
The Antifa weapons that were confiscated in Portland.
It's pure Game of Thrones.
There's, like, there's knives there that are for holding with your four fingers, like brass knuckles, where then the knife comes out.
In other words, a knife with a normal handle isn't plungy enough for me.
I need to really get through your sternum.
So I need to hold it like brass knuckles.
That's the kind of weapons Antifa bring to an event.
And the right can't bring weapons because they're within a perimeter where the police de-weaponize you.
Literally.
Anyway.
The milkshakes thing reminds me of, uh, there's that German guy, Frank Magnitz, who Antifa beat pretty much to death.
I think he's still clinging for life.
The gash in his head is so vagina giving birth that if you look it up, you'll see it's, it's pixelated.
They can't show it.
And then they had this other guy, the guy I talked about on my last show, I guess I'm repeating points here, but they had that other guy Putnam or something.
What's his name?
I telegrammed it.
Um, so I'm going through my telegram.
He's not Dutch and I called him a Marxist, but he was, he taught Marxism for a while, but he's, he's, that was when he was a young man.
Um, oh yeah.
Fortun, F-O-R-T-U-Y-N.
And they threw pies at him and then they killed him.
So we're not dealing with your average milkshake throwers here.
If it was just that, I'd be fine with that.
I would prefer, I got pepper sprayed in the face when I spoke at NYU.
I'd much prefer a milkshake.
If that was all, if they weren't doxing people and having dozens of people fired.
Hundreds of people fired, but dozens I know.
Terrorizing people's children, their families.
Cassandra Fairbanks got to take her kids out of school.
Dana Lash has a whole escape plan with her high school that she's worked out with the teachers there in case anyone attacks her kids.
That's who we're up against.
So MS-13 is throwing milkshakes.
It's not a normal thing.
But anyway, back to how hilarious I am.
I've been deprived of this.
I can't even rent money.
But I've been having some funny ideas and I'd like to share some of them with you because maybe you could make them as sketches.
Just today I was thinking how funny it would be if there was a black rights thing with, not Farrakhan per se, but just like, brothers and sisters, we need to wake up because they are leaving the hood with barrels full of money day by day, year by year, decade by decade.
So you have that guy come up and then the third guy, same like black suit with a skinny black tie is me.
What's up?
Thank you, brother.
Deontay.
Young brothers just don't realize what we are up against, right?
What if I did that for real?
And I just started doing a speech.
Ryan, are you listening to any of this?
I'm listening to a little bit.
I did a speech about black awareness to the hood.
You did?
And you know the problem with this sketch is as we were talking about it I was so proud of myself for being hilarious and then I realized it's an episode of King of Queens.
Oh, right, right.
See if you can dig that up.
Kevin James, so Kevin James' Doug, I believe is the character's name, his best friend is black.
And his black friend starts hanging out with a new friend who's also black, which makes Kevin James feel bad.
And he's wondering how he can get, what's his name?
Desmond or Declan or Deegan or something?
How he can get him back.
And he thought, I could get him back if I was more black than his new black friend.
And then he has a speech, like a Nation-Islam speech where he talks about reparations.
Oh, he's at a black church.
Okay, turn it up.
So this, I guess I didn't come up with this idea.
I stole it.
Oh, he's singing gospel.
What are you doing?
They push a lot of buttons there.
They're singing the Jefferson song.
Where's him doing a speech though?
Is that it?
No, you got the wrong one.
Reparations.
By the way, hearing the Jeffersons reminds me that the Archie Bunker remake was on last night.
I don't have the heart to watch it.
Because it's so dear to me.
It would be like hearing that Will Ferrell and Jeremy Piven and Mark Ruffalo were doing a Sex Pistols special where they were dressing up as the band.
I wouldn't be able to watch it because I'd be so worried about them ruining my fond memories.
But I've since heard that Justin Theroux and Jimmy Kimmel were not trying to ruin anything.
They were redoing a 1973 sketch, sorry, script.
So they didn't change any of the words.
That's actually perfect art.
That's what art should be.
Art is about, ideally, art is about taking something out of context.
And no, that's not politics.
Don't do that in politics.
And putting it somewhere and saying what about this like modern art where they I think it was Jeff Koons first First foray into the modern art world he took a bunch of vacuum cleaners popular expensive vacuum cleaners, and he framed them with like a pedestal and plexiglass and Put them in an art museum and all of a sudden you're looking at a vacuum as a piece of art And you realize Jesus these things are beautiful like they're really impressive Who made this?
That's great art.
So, I'm actually now impressed with the concept.
What do you got?
Don't get excited.
No, don't.
Don't get it twist.
Don't get it twist.
That's what, by the way, that's an African American ebonic saying, don't get it twisted, and when I was in Paris reporting on the Bataclan shooting, I was in northern Paris where all the Muslims are, and I was interviewing people on the street, and some French woman, who were the thorn in my side the entire time, comes up and she's like, don't get it twist!
Meaning, don't make this about Muslims and making Muslims look bad.
Well, they did just shoot about 85 people.
And rip their guts out and cut their balls and cock off and feed it to them as they were dead.
So, you'll forgive me if, um... I'm investigating.
Don't get it twist!
That kind of became an inside joke with Pat Dixon and I. After that.
Um, by the way, speaking of, uh, a thorn, I was watching Animal Planet the other day and they were, they were in the jungles of, I think Nairobi.
And it was just stunning.
The fact that there's untouched land there in this day and age, you're seeing elephants and, and monkeys, and it was right out of the jungle book.
I'm watching this and they had this hidden footage of, uh, it, it was, uh, an elephant.
And they are genuinely scared of mice.
That's not a myth.
And it was an elephant and it was acting erratic.
And of course, you know, these guys will film the jungle for a thousand hours and eventually get, you know, the money shot.
So this scene, which God knows how hard it was to catch this, was this elephant and it was acting erratic and probably because a mouse was there.
And then you could see that the mouse had kind of a thorn.
Sorry, the elephant had something on its foot that was hurting it, like some sort of a thorn.
That's why it came to me.
And you could see the mouse sort of going back and forth to the elephant that was getting less trepidatious as the mouse would go back and forth.
And this is all, they have all this on camera.
And then, unbelievable, you see the mouse sort of grab at the elephant's, what do you call that, a hoof?
Tusk.
Tusk?
Hoof being a foot, right?
A foot.
Holy shit.
That is one for the books.
That is going on our sizzle reel.
You are sub-retarded.
A tusk?
Do you, have you read a children's book in your life?
Yeah.
Do you know, like, what right and left means?
Yeah.
Up and down?
Do you know what a circle is?
Yeah.
Have you ever seen an elephant?
Yep.
They don't walk on their tusks.
If they do, they should join the circus, because that's quite a trick.
Yeah.
Thanks for interjecting, by the way.
Uh, glasses?
Was it the elephant's glasses?
I found the, alright.
Um.
Poof.
So he sees the splinter.
Yeah.
And you can tell the mouse is pulling it out for the elephant.
And then this could be in my head, but it seemed like, I know it's going to sound crazy, but it seemed like they were negotiating some sort of a deal afterwards.
And.
It looked like the mouse was gesturing to the back of the elephant for something.
And the elephant seemed to be sort of like nodding.
I don't know.
I could be sort of, what's it called?
Anthropomorphizing the animals and making them into humans.
But it looked like they were negotiating something that involved the mouse going to the back of the elephant.
And then, and it's going to sound crazy, but I swear to God, the mouse seemed to scurry up the back legs of the elephant and start fucking it in the ass.
Like he moved the tail as much as a mouse could and it was moving and I could tell it was way north of the elephant's vagina.
So it was the butthole.
And the mouse seemed to be holding on to the top of the tail, pumping at it.
And then they sort of cut back, and you see this family of chimps.
And the patriarch, I guess the alpha chimp, was just getting up, maybe from a nap, and he had his wife there, or whatever, I don't know if they're monogamous, but there was females there, there was kids there, and they were much higher up in a tree, but they were near the elephant.
And you could see the chimp wake up and he does his stretching, you know, as one does.
He's got his arms up.
And then you see him sort of surveying his lair, which is his neighborhood.
I guess that's the sort of chimp equivalent of reading the morning paper.
And he looks across the horizon and he sees what I perceive to be a mouse fucking an elephant up the ass.
Up seems like a strong word, because you think of a mouse's dick.
I think I would let a mouse fuck me up the ass if I had a magazine.
I don't think that's even rape.
I mean, it's just a grain of rice.
By the way, Taylor Mead is in a lot of Andy Warhol movies, and he was in the East Village when I first moved to New York.
He's an eccentric homosexual.
He's in a lot of art films.
And he's heir to the Mead throne.
So he's rich, but he's also insane.
I think he's dead now, but he was a hoarder.
His car had so much newspaper in it that it would scrape along the axles as it went up and down 2nd and 3rd Avenue.
But I was at Max Fish with him on the Lower East Side, south of Houston there.
It's since moved, but it's still around.
I said to him, Taylor, the thing I don't get about fags is why do you guys want big dicks?
Like if I was gay, I would want the smallest dick known to man.
I would want my boyfriend to be an Asian baby.
And he fucking lost it!
He slammed his hands on the bar so hard that his beer fell over and then he lunged at me.
He's about 120 years old.
He lunged at me and he kept screaming the same thing in a loop.
I HATE LAZY THINKING!
I HATE LAZY THINKING!
Again and again.
Which I kind of agree with him on.
And the bouncers had to like put him in a lock and drag him out.
Is he alive?
Can you find out if he's alive?
He was just a crazy rich kid who probably sucked, I'm gonna conservatively say, a million dicks?
And he did all that before May 8th, 2013, unfortunately.
Sorry, Taylor.
You were a funny guy.
You were a quirky, funny, silly man.
I don't mean to disparage your dead body.
But that did happen.
Anyway, so this elephant's getting reamed with a piece of rice, and this chimp clearly sees it, and, um, the monkey, you can see him grab a coconut, and you can see he doesn't like what he's seeing.
And I don't think it's homophobic, I mean it's kind of bestiality in a weird way.
So I kind of agree with the chimp.
And you can see him on the animal planet, he arches back like Cinderguard, and he launches the coconut at this elephant, and it nails the elephant so fucking hard.
It looked like it came out of a cannon, and it goes PONG!
It was an audible PONG!
And you see the elephant go, and arc his head back with his nose because he got hit so hard.
And then you can see clearly in the tape, you see the little mouse go, that's right, take it, bitch.
What do you think of that?
He thinks that the elephant.
Oh, the elephant who walks on his tusks.
Thanks, buddy.
He's enjoying it so much that he reared back in pain.
OK, do you have the reparations?
I do.
Reparations.
Kevin James is fucking hilarious.
Oh, he's had a black party with all black people.
Is this it?
Yeah, this is his dream.
Wait, does he do a talk?
Wait, you said you had it, you fucking shitstain.
Oh, here it is.
And tell me this, why is there a liquor store on every corner in our neighborhood?
Yes, yes, yes, my brother.
But that is how the white man keeps us under his boots.
Oh, most definitely, most definitely.
Yeah, you know what the white man should be giving you?
Some reparations.
Wow, I remembered it totally differently.
Even in his dream, he sucks.
Yeah.
By the way, that's a thing for depression.
If you're in a dream and you're sucking and you wake up, go back into the dream if you can and beat everyone up and win.
I'm not kidding.
It's like a thing that psychologists teach you.
Really?
Yeah.
You know how I know this?
Why?
From the song 22 going on 23 by the Butthole Surfers.
That's where I get my psychology information from, but it works.
I've tried it.
Um, and it's, they have music to a caller from some, you know, call-in psychological show, where she's like, I cannot sleep.
I've tried to make myself out to be the winner, but it doesn't work.
And it's got this sludgy beat.
It's one of the, Butthole Surfers are one of the greatest bands of all time.
...get through for quite a while.
Well, we're glad you kept trying.
Thank you.
Um, I had this problem last July.
I was assaulted sexually and ever since then I cannot sleep.
I've been having trouble sleeping.
How old are you?
I'm 22.
Going on 23.
That's when art could be weird.
Today this would be like a Me Too song trivializing sexual assault.
I'm not trivializing it.
It sounds like we're in hell.
Okay, what about this for an idea, another sketch idea I had that I could never make, so please steal this idea from me.
It's Freddie Mercury, it's a Queen concert, and you can't obviously use this song because it's a billion dollars so you can only talk about it, but it's Queen coming back backstage and it's a bunch of bros
Like with cut off shirts hanging out in the green room and then you have Freddie Mercury and I think the funny way to do Freddie Mercury if it was me I just dye my mustache black and then I get like hillbilly front teeth stuck in that would be trouble I mean that would be tricky because it's hard to orate when you have those joke teeth in but that might help the joke and uh So Freddie Mercury comes in after the concert and they're like, dude that was fucking awesome!
He's like, thank you very much, thanks.
You know, when we get out there we're just trying to rock them all, we're just trying to inspire the crowd, make people enjoy themselves, you know what I mean?
And they go, oh my god, that fucking song, Fat Bottom Girls, you make the rockin' world go round!
That's the jam!
And he's like, oh, no, yeah, that one just sort of came to me, really.
Um, I'm pretty proud of it.
And they go, you just you get fat bottom girls.
I mean, you just get it.
And they keep interrogating him about fat bottom girls.
And he goes, Oh, yeah, I love him.
I love a big fat ass on a bird.
Just fucking give it over here.
Yeah.
And then you have woman with fat asses in the crowd and basically I mean sorry backstage and you keep ramping it up as he awkwardly pretends he likes fat bottom girls because he's obviously a raging homosexual he's the singer of a band called Queen which we didn't really catch on to in the 70s for some reason and then at the end you give him A girl with a gigantic ass and you say, why don't you fucking dig into that, buddy?
And he's like, all right, here we go.
Yeah.
And then it's just the 40 year old virgin joke.
I see.
All right.
These aren't going very well.
I tuned out half of it rather because I was looking for the Jamie Foxx thing that you mentioned.
Okay.
What about this other idea?
These are my notes, sketch ideas.
I get a tattoo, and you can make fake tattoos super easy, right?
Um, we get a tattoo of a, uh, a baby.
You know, there's, there's a certain tattoo.
When people get a tattoo of their baby, they use the finest tattoo needle, like the one or whatever it is, the 0.0001.
And it's like this soft gray and the baby always looks the same.
And then it says her name below it, like, uh, Cassidy and I thought it'd be funny to get that tattoo somewhere and it's people go oh is that your daughter you go no no I just it's my friend's daughter it just I think she's an absolute angel I think she's really beautiful I just like her and then that led me to the idea wouldn't it be funny like my youngest son is six his best friend is black And wouldn't it be funny if that was my friend?
And I would just bring him to hang out and play poker with the guys.
People would go, is this your stepson?
What's going on here?
And it was just my buddy.
I have a six-year-old black friend.
Now, I know what you're saying.
You're saying, why'd you have to make him black?
Try it, dude.
If you do it, like, with a chick, it becomes sexual.
It becomes, like, a pedophile joke, which I don't want to do.
So it's hard to do the joke concept of a guy with a kid friend without making it a pedophile thing.
And for some reason, the kid being black kind of rescues that.
Yeah.
Because if he was doing anything that was against his will, he'd just beat you up or something.
He'd be like, fuck this.
I'm out of here.
Alright, here's my last idea, and I've talked about this one before.
And I would shoot this if I was allowed in the creative community.
And I probably told you about this before, so humor me if you've already heard it, but for a long time now, I've been wanting to do a sketch about a family band.
But instead of it being country or Christian rock, they are inspired by Prince.
And the mother and the father are intensely sexual towards each other, where the 16-year-old son, drummer, and the 14-year-old girl, keyboardist, Don't enjoy it.
They don't enjoy being on this band.
They don't enjoy their outfits, where they have one sleeve on, one sleeve off, and short shorts, and pink leather pants, and a big hole where their butt is.
And the lyrics include the line, I like to licky licky when the dick gets sticky.
And then the mom has her bass and she's like slinking down super low to the crotch of the prince dad.
Should he be balding?
Is that too much?
No, that's fine.
That seems too much.
Or a notable wig.
Or Notable Wig.
Actually, Notable Wig are playing at Mercury Lounge.
Yeah, they're opening up for... Yeah, you know what I'm learning from this portion of the podcast?
To talk about how funny you are, and how it's a crime that you're not allowed to do sketches, and then you list all the funny things you could do, sort of makes it sound like you deserve to be banished from the funny community.
The bits are not good.
But trust me, if I had the script and I worked with my boys, Brian Gaynor and Chadwick Moore, you would be seeing intense, high-quality comedy.
Maybe we'll get back to that.
The problem with these sketches, though, is they cost a fucking fortune to do right.
Like, I know we talked about doing my 190-pound life and just doing a parody of 650-pound life, whatever.
My 600-pound life.
To get, like, say that Queen one.
I now have to get at least four women with big asses, right?
That's a Craigslist ad.
They need a hundred bucks a day.
Easy.
I need hair and makeup for them.
I need lighting.
I could probably get four women for a hundred bucks each.
Four hundred.
I could probably get a bone skeleton crew for a thousand bucks.
The lighting.
I mean, if I really chintzed and... No, you know what?
Everyone needs a laugh.
So even there, the sound is, I couldn't see spending less than two grand on sound.
You'd boom it.
So basically to comfortably do it, where it's awesome and everyone's relaxed, is 15 grand.
To bare, bare, bare bones, where people are kind of pissed off and you might not get it on time and people are in a bad mood, is like five grand.
Five grand for a two minute sketch?
I could just sit here and shoot the shit in my studio for free and it would be like 10% worse.
You get me?
I mean Crowder's got an infrastructure, but he's got a studio, a big massive film studio, and he just uses the people he works with as the people in the sketches.
So his engineer is playing like nine different roles in a thing.
All right, so I talked about Telegram.
We haven't talked about Archie Bunker because I haven't seen it yet.
I think we're out of time.
How are we doing for time?
51 minutes.
Yeah, that's a good amount of time for a podcast.
You know, one thing, I stopped doing BetDSI just because I'm kind of a bitch.
And the guy who sells ads for this podcast, I was being cunty to him.
And I realized I'm being everything I hate about people who do stuff.
Like the kind of guy who shits on the ad sales guy is the worst kind of person there is.
Because that guy is out there busting his ass.
He gets a tiny, not a tiny, but he gets a percentage of what he makes, but you get the vast majority of what he makes.
So he's running around trying to generate money for you and make your thing financially viable and you're like, fuck you, bitch.
It's like, well then, all right.
I'll read it later.
Why'd you sign up for this then?
Okay.
I guess I'll try to sell ads for someone else.
I don't give a shit.
Go fuck yourself.
So I did one of my very rare apologies to him and I'd said, I don't, I'm not going to read any ads for a while.
I think it's gay.
Uh, I don't think it's gay.
I think it's an important part of any business.
Everyone does it.
Everyone advertises.
And I appreciate you, ad sales guy.
And we'll start maybe next one doing, and I understand it's not easy to sell ads for me because I'm a pariah.
I'm a hate figure.
So it can be bad for your brand.
So I'm happy to do guns, boner pills, betting.
Uh, what?
I gotta get the scripts and stuff.
Oh, okay.
But I had told him, like, don't bother sending me the scripts, bitch.
Really?
Basically, I was being, like, I was ignoring his calls and he's like, hey man, I'm trying to get this thing going.
Fuck off.
And I can't make you do anything, so I'm like, dude, I'll talk to him about it.
And you're like, no, fuck that.
Yeah, part of it too was I was listening to Howard Stern and they were talking about Don Imus and how he treated everyone he worked with like shit, but especially the salespeople.
And I kind of remember that about Vice.
That was my business plan at Vice.
I designed the office such that the editorial was in one side of the office and the advertising was in the other.
And they would narrate the two show meet, and we would always fuck with the advertising guys, and it was a way of me maintaining editorial integrity.
You know, I refused advertorials, which the Vice UK would do all the time, much to my chagrin.
But, uh... Yeah, I was such a dick to them, and it was just not... cool.
Like I remember one time, one of the sales guys was getting some sort of radio investment, iHeartRadio or something, and we were big on care jokes at the time.
Like, hey, my knee really hurts.
Oh, well, good news, my care is also totally broken.
Like, everything was I don't care put in a funny way.
And the guy was walking out, sales dude, and just sarcastically, because I was such a dick to the salespeople, he was walking out, and I went, oh, you guys headed out?
Okay, see you later, guys!
Rock on!
And he took it seriously.
Just like Nate Barsgate, 30 years later, going, oh, they're making fun of me.
What's his name?
Bargatze.
OK, whatever.
That's a stupid name.
So he's walking by and he goes, all right, you guys are out.
Catch you later.
Catch you on the flip side.
Shitty thing to say.
Fuck off.
The guy's trying to make money for you, Gavin.
He's trying to pay your rent, and you're making fun of him like a radio guy.
And the sales dude was kind of happy that the editorial was finally paying attention to him, so he went, Hey!
And then he brings over his client and he goes, uh, this is the head of, I can't remember if it was iHeartRadio or something like that.
He goes, this is the head of iHeartRadio.
He runs most of the, well, he's sort of the liaison for most of the radio stations in New York.
And I went, oh, cool.
Hey, does he work with WCARE FM?
Because that's my favorite station.
And obviously I'm saying care, F-M, meaning I don't care.
And he goes, he didn't get the joke.
He's like, I don't know.
I don't think so.
But then he sensed that there was some sarcasm going on.
And he's sort of like, I'm going to get out of this before it loses me $500,000.
It's like my dad, he came to see me when all that shit was going down after I got fired.
And he just said, I'll come here and be your support, my boy.
Now you don't want a Scotsman coming down to support you when you're going through a rocky time.
That's insane.
That's like saying, Hey man, I just got a, my wife's thinking about divorcing me.
Would Motley Crue mind coming over and just showing my wife that I'm a reliable man that she, that will stand by her?
So he comes by.
Stop me if I've told you this before, but a local bar was showing American Ninja Kid Warrior.
So it's American Ninja for kids, right?
And the bar was packed with families watching it on the big screen, super loud, because a local girl was in it!
So they have all the right to be there, blare the TV, watch their daughter jumping, leaping over things.
You know Matt Iceman who does American Ninja?
I emailed him recently because I know him and I said, dude, I had a brilliant idea for a show.
It's American Dad Ninja where it's not that hard.
And it has guys like me, fat dads with dad bods, normcore.
Just like sort of jumping and getting on a thing and, oh shit, and falling off.
And he sent me back a picture of his foot, which was just destroyed with pins and, you know, steel shit in it to re-support his foot thing.
Like his foot looked like it had been shot with a cannon.
And he goes, this is what happened to me last time I tread the course.
And I go, yeah, that's what I'm saying.
You're a dad.
Let's make the American Ninja Dad and you can have a beer in your hand and it's not very hard.
Like you have to jump over a two foot hole.
Wouldn't that be hilarious?
Yeah.
And you, you, you sort of set it up such that there's still be like one winner.
It wouldn't be, we all win obviously.
Anyway, um, so they're all watching the thing and my dad comes in and he's like, This is fucking pathetic.
He loves the word pathetic.
And I'm going, Dad, try to keep it down here.
And he goes, look at this.
I honestly think we're getting dumber.
We're getting stupider.
And he's sitting next to some old guy.
And he goes, can you believe this shite?
Watching fucking television.
What is this show?
The whole bar's... And I go, Dad, it's not just a... We're not watching, like, the Disney Channel for no reason.
There's a group here because the daughter's in the thing.
And he doesn't, his ears are blocked with shit.
He's got shit in his ears.
So he's just like, oh, fuck off.
Okay.
I'm trying to explain to you why you're wrong.
Dick lips.
And he's like, and then he just keeps looking over at everyone.
They're like, yay, she did it.
And he just looks at them and he's, and because he can't hear, he's audibly going pathetic.
Absolutely pathetic.
And he's pissed off because he doesn't like loud noises even though he's deaf.
And he doesn't want anything in a bar.
He comes from the 70s and 60s.
So he wants bars to just have no TVs, no music, which I understand.
But you're wrong here, dude.
And then we're at the park near my house, and there's a thing with people in affluent neighborhoods where dogs become a status symbol.
You see it in Soho, too, in America.
I'm sorry, in New York City, where someone will be walking around Soho with two, like, fucking Great Danes.
Albino Great Danes.
And what it means is I have a huge loft here in Soho that's worth 7 million dollars.
That's why I can have such big dogs.
You have shit.
Fuck you.
I'm special.
It's like the Lamborghini of dogs.
And they do it in the burbs too.
Um, so this guy has these two matching, I don't know, stupid dogs.
And my dad hates dogs.
When he was a young man, he was on the bus in Glasgow, Scotland, and some dog fucked a woman's arm.
Just like that mouse showed that elephant who's boss.
And he watched the dog ejaculate onto the woman's arm.
And it was her dog, and she just wiped it off with a tissue.
My dad was probably 11 and he was so mortified that he's hated dogs ever since I think I think my Grandmother had puppies not out of her vagina But she had a dog that had puppies and his job was to take the puppies to the pound to have them put down and he got like two pounds to do it and I believe he threw the bag of puppies into the Clyde and The river in Glasgow, and they just drowned, and then he kept the money.
That's how much he hates dogs.
My dog growls at him all the time, which I assume means he kicked it at some point when I wasn't around.
Because my dog doesn't growl at anyone.
So he's drunk, and it's when we were shooting, by the way, that Death the Cool, the movie of my book, he's in it.
He plays himself at the end of a scene, and it'll never see the light of day, unfortunately, thanks 20th Century Fox Digital.
By the way, when I throw that out there, I feel like there's going to be some person listening that has this incredible influence and is just going to, like, make the movie happen.
Right.
Oh, I had no idea.
I will contact 20th Century Fox tomorrow.
Thanks for letting me know.
Boom, it's released.
Because, you know, all these influential billionaires listen to the show and they make moves afterwards based on it.
It's the Wall Street Journal of Media, this show.
But he walks, he puts his hands behind his back.
You know, like if you're talking to a kid or something and you're being cordial?
You know that gesture?
If you see a Scotsman do it, it means violence and sarcasm.
So he's holding his wrist with his hands behind his back and he sort of saunters over to this guy with these two dogs that look like they're in a dog show.
They're white, matching, and they have long Farrah Fawcett white hair that's been beautifully combed and it's blowing in the wind like they're hot.
You almost want to fuck them.
They're like sexy dogs with flowing white feathered hair and they match.
And my dad wants to slit both their throats and he hates the man who owns them and he wants to beat up that man and start a fight in the park in front of my house.
So he walks over to the guy and he goes, What majestic beasts you have there, sir?
And me and my brother are going, Dad, let's go.
Let's go.
Come on, let's go.
Because I don't want to I don't want there to be a fight in front of my house.
And we can tell from his tone that he's about to get violent.
And the guy walks over, of course, he's not familiar with cantankerous Scotsman.
And he sort of walks towards my dad with the Farrah Fawcett dogs, the albino Farrah Fawcett dogs.
He goes, oh, thank you very much.
Yeah, this is Jennifer and this is Jen.
And yeah, we just had them washed, actually.
And he goes, oh, what an honor it must be to be in their presence.
And I'm like, Dad, we should get, let's go.
We need to get, we're late, Dad.
And then the guy starts sensing, just like that sales dude with the C-A-R-E-F-M, he just senses something's up and this can't be good.
And he starts kind of backing away.
Finally, his cave instincts kick in.
And I have to, now I've grabbed my dad by his $2 windbreaker and I'm pulling him away from the guy going, thank you very much.
Okay, see you later.
And then he goes, that's the problem with this fucking town!
People don't even get sarcasm!
Like, in his perfect world, the guy with the dogs would've went, fuck you, old man.
Yeah.
I see what you're doing there.
Go fuck yourself.
You could never afford dogs.
Like, that's my dad.
It's ideal.
And he'd just go, you pick up their shit.
You're their fucking slave, you stupid piece of shit.
You should pick yourself up, because you're dog shit.
And then the guy would say, fuck you.
And they would become best friends.
They'd get in a fist fight.
And then he'd go, I appreciate you.
You got balls, man.
Alright, let's go.
I like you more than a friend.
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