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May 18, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
53:18
S02E11 - ALL AMERICAN BOY
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Time Text
All American boy, rake those leaves.
All American boy, rake those leaves.
And oh, how you can ride a bike.
live from new york it's get off my lawn with gavin mcguinness Hello.
I'm in a bad mood.
I was just yelling at some people.
Now I have to get chirpy and positive.
Copper Keb wants me to pay for his food while he's here.
Right.
Does that sound normal to you?
I don't know, but I would like you to pay for my food.
Well, I said I'll give you some money.
I'll pay for the flight.
I'll give you some money for coming down.
But I'm not your mama.
I'm not buying you food.
How does that even work?
Here's your lunch money.
Here's your dinner money.
Here's your breakfast money.
Don't spend too much.
You bought me lunch before, and I made sure to pay it back.
It's like buying a pint.
Just go.
Hey.
I get very involved in this show.
I'm not just the host.
I get involved in booking guests.
And just had CNN pull a guy because of the Proud Boys.
So he refused.
He cannot appear on my show as a guest because I started The Proud Boys.
What the hell?
That's CNN.
What the hell kind of news station is that?
None of our anchors appear on shows where the host started a group that is listed as a hate group by the SBLC.
Full communism, full clown world.
Frankly, we're reaching full clown world.
That's really good.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, maybe I can do a Trump.
Frankly, remember my favorite Trump moment, actually, my two favorites, it's hard to decide which is the winner, but I like when he was talking about anchor babies and the guy from Telemundo says, excuse me, excuse me, Mr. Trump, excuse me.
Why do you say anchor baby when you should say non-offensive word?
You have the clip.
Good.
Good work.
The people across the board are rapists and murderers.
No, no, no.
We're talking about illegal immigration, and everybody understands it.
And you know what?
That's a typical case.
Wait.
That's a typical case of the press with misinterpretation.
They take a half a sentence.
They take a half a sentence.
By the way, they take a half a sentence.
This isn't what I was talking about, genius.
What did he say when he says bad ombres?
Oh, my God.
I thought that because you know what I was thinking when you found that clip so fast?
I thought, I'm too hard on this guy.
Sometimes he really nails it.
And I was going to ask you, did you have a drink?
Because I poured myself a whiskey and I was like, maybe he had a whiskey.
I stopped drinking.
And it's making him better.
But no.
And then he finds you.
I said anchor baby.
You found a clip where he said bad ombre.
What?
Sit down and go back.
You got right was the ethnicity.
Sit down and go back to Univision?
Oh my God, that's two strikes.
Sit down.
Go ahead.
That's not an anchor baby.
Do you know what an anchor baby is?
Yes.
What?
It's a baby that they have in the United States so that way they can avoid being exterminated.
Yes, exterminated.
Because Trump's Gestapo goes door-to-door shooting illegal aliens in the head.
Exterminated?
Removed.
Removed?
Yes.
I can't.
Deported?
Is that the word you're trying?
Did you just confuse deported with exterminated?
Anyway, please stop helping me.
As Jason Riley says, the black man who is married to Naomi Schaefer-Riley, a great columnist, he wrote a book called Please Stop Helping Us, How Liberals Are Making It Harder for Blacks in America.
I'm paraphrasing this uphead.
Last try.
This is not it.
No, that's not it, you buffoon.
All right.
Anyway, so my two favorite Trump moments is one that he said, he was saying Anchor Baby in the Univision guy goes, excuse me, why do you say that?
Well, you should say the word is offensive.
And Trump goes, okay, well, what do you want me to say?
Open-minded, like, let's hear your side of it.
That's America, right?
Let's hear both sides.
And the guy doesn't have a response, of course.
You know, they don't have a plan B, the left.
They just want to destroy America with nothing to replace it with.
And so he says something like, maybe the undocumented, no, the child born of undocumented migrants or something.
It was equally as absurd.
You could tell the guy was just piecing it together as it came out of his mouth.
And Trump goes, it takes too long.
I'm going to say anchor babies.
Excellent moment.
But I think that was number two.
My number one was this guy yells, we love you.
And Trump goes, I love you too.
And then he goes, wait a minute.
And then he looks at the audience and he goes, that's a guy.
A guy just said that.
That's hilarious.
He's not presidential.
Yeah, I don't like the government.
I have no respect for the White House.
The White House is a giant DMV that the Canadians burned to the ground in 1812.
It is full of criminals.
They're not public servants.
They're public parasites.
Dude, you know what I saw Trump do?
He said motherfucker.
You ever hear Trump say motherfucker?
Don't.
You're trying to redeem yourself?
This better be good.
Anyway, it is good.
That opening song.
Okay, go ahead.
She said he's a pussy.
They're ripping the shit out of the sea.
We can't get a fucking school building.
You're not going to raise that fucking price.
I'm going to bomb the shit out of them.
Listen, you motherfuckers.
We're going to bomb you.
That's our president.
That's the best good.
I wasn't ready for that.
I thought it was just the one.
Like, what's the matter with comedians?
They go, I'm really pissed off about Trump.
I don't want him.
What?
We have a comedian in the White House.
I think one of the problems with Trump's humor is he's so dry.
I was talking to Tucker Carlson about this.
They don't know that he's kidding.
Uh-huh.
because he does it with a straight face.
I think Americans aren't as good at sarcasm as, say, the Brits.
Because I've noticed that when I do jokes with a totally straight face, people go, Really?
What?
Really?
So, sorry, that intro was All-American Boy by Tom Wilson.
And my culture growing up in the 80s and 90s, a big part of alternative culture was outsider art.
And we would trade cassette tapes of mentally ill people making music and kind of, well, losers.
And we enjoyed loser art.
And it got to the point where we weren't being ironic anymore.
And we actually listened to it.
Like Daniel Johnson or what was that black guy who could draw things and he'd have an organ, Wesley Willis.
Wesley Willis would have songs like Northwest Airlines, Northwest Airlines.
And we weren't laughing.
We just liked that this guy was a freak.
Freak culture.
Anyway, Tom Wilson is part of that.
And there he is, Wesley Wilson.
I met him once, and he head-butted me really hard because that's how he meets.
You'll notice he has a scar on his forehead.
That's how he greets people.
He head-butts them.
And he said, how you doing, you big water tower head?
And I wanted to buy one of his drawings.
He can look at something and remember it perfectly and then recreate it and get license plates right and stuff like that and signs on buses just from memory.
He's an idiot Savant.
And he wanted to charge me like $600 for a drawing.
And there's a pretty girl next to me.
He's going to give it to her for $20.
And I was like, I'll pay you $200 to buy that and then give it to me.
She said, no way.
Yeah.
His drawings are nice.
They're really cool.
I love that they're GoPro.
Yeah.
They are GoPro.
Find one of his songs, though.
All right.
Yeah, they're fisheye.
Anyway, Tom Wilson is a gay man, and I have a show on this very network.
This is starting to get like Eddie Murphy playing all the characters in a movie.
It's like the Clumps.
This network is basically the Clumps.
And it's called Off the Record.
I talk about my record collection and the various musicians, and one of them is Tom Wilson.
Do you have Wesley Willis?
I got Wesley Willis, yep.
This song is called Get the Fuck Away From Me.
Get the fuck away from my car.
Get the fuck away from my house.
Get the fuck out of my face.
Get the fuck out of my reach.
Get the fuck away from me.
Get the fuck away from me.
Swear words on this episode.
That's not typical of his songs.
They're a little more jovial, usually.
But anyway, Tom Wilson is an eccentric gay man that my buddy Jeff Jensen, he lives in Jamaica.
It's hard to describe him.
He sort of crossed over to the dark side where he stopped being ironic.
He went to Jamaica on a lark because he was depressed.
And he went to Kingston where no white, there's no tourism in Kingston.
It's all black people.
I'm trying to get him on the show right now.
And I only have WhatsApp.
Who, Jeff?
Yeah.
Oh, cool.
But how am I going to do that?
Oh, you only have WhatsApp too?
Well, I could plug your phone in.
Huh?
Yeah, I could try to make it happen.
All right.
You can call him on that.
Maybe I'll just show it to the camera or something.
So he goes to Jamaica on a lark because he's depressed.
And he goes, I really like it here, man.
He's been there ever since.
This was like 10 years ago.
And every time I go to Jamaica, we hang out.
And he just, he speaks in patois to the locals.
Yo, rust of blood, Claro, go on.
Hey, man, can I get a refill on this red strap?
You're don't vex me so.
Bizarre, dude.
Anyway, if you, he turned me on to the Tom Wilson, and I looked him up online, and lo and behold, there's Jeff talking to Tom Wilson on American Apparel's radio station.
There he is.
He's a Mets fan, too.
He might be why I'm a Mets fan, actually.
But anyway, play that.
You know, I wouldn't even know who to compare you to, actually.
You're such a trailblazer in a way, Tom.
But you weren't going to be the next Bob Dylan, let's say.
But you were doing your own thing.
He tracked this guy down.
What inspired the second record?
You just had another batch of songs?
I was continuing to write, having new ideas, and wanting to do it.
You're boring, dude.
First record was gay.
He's Herbert the Pervert from Family Guy.
Herbert the Pervert from Family Guy.
He still whistles like this.
Okay, let's call Jeff now.
This is the kind of spontaneous stuff we do on this show.
I could plug it in.
I don't think you can plug it in.
We're calling Jeff.
Hey, man.
How are you?
Good.
How are you?
No, we're not doing that.
I'm in Jamaica.
Where are you in New York?
Yeah, you're on my new hit show.
I'm live on the air?
Yeah.
Oh, hey.
How's it going, everybody?
Hey, we were just listening to Tom Wilson, All-American Boy.
And I gotta say, it's kind of a creepy song.
It's got kind of a pedophile vibe.
He's like, mowing the lawn, riding your bike.
Isn't he, is he sexualizing a boy?
You know, I'm going to be honest with you.
I feel like that, even though that's the title song of the LP, it's not really one of the best songs on the record, and I never really got that into that particular song.
So I can't comment on the lyrics of that one.
Huh.
Listen to He Likes Me.
That is one of the best ones on there.
I mean, they're all kind of great.
I'd have to revisit the tracks.
It's been a while since I put that one on.
Would you say that you start watching this outsider art as a joke and then you get Stockholm Syndrome and the next thing you know you genuinely enjoy it?
I don't know if it's quite, I think that's an oversimplification of it, but in the case of Tom Wilson, it was just a record that Doug found at a dollar bin and he threw it on and the immediate first moment of his voice is hilarious.
Okay, he likes me.
Would you say the same thing happened with Jamaica?
You sort of went there in a lurk, and the next thing you know, you're a Jamaican man?
No.
I mean, not, it's not.
The experience of living in Jamaica for seven years is not directly analogous to the Tom Wilson record, my relationship with that.
But yeah, I did slowly get sort of drawn in in ways I can't exactly explain.
But it has more to do with the natural charms of the island.
All right, that sounds Iri, man.
We got Babylon closing in on us.
We gotta go, you know.
All right, Gavin.
It's good to hear from you, man.
Yeah.
Okay, we're big upping him.
You know, that might be the only way we can get spontaneous interviews on this show, so I just call them on my phone.
All right, Jesus, we're really spending a lot of time on the opening song.
There's so much to discuss.
You know, so we're good with that, right?
All-American Boy?
All right.
A new movie's coming out May 15th.
And I know if you're watching this, it's probably in June.
So you're watching a banked episode that I'm recording.
So when you sign up for free speech.tv, there's not nothing there.
But it's done by those guys.
You know the guys, George and Cowlin?
Kalen, Colin?
No, no, no.
They're the guys that big beef with Ezra at Rebel, where they had a big expose.
They do not get along.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
So it's one of those weird things where I should never speak to them again because I'm Ezra's boy and I'm very loyal.
But I'm also Alex Jones' bro, and this movie was Alex Jones doing it.
So I said, sure, I did it.
And it's looking very beautiful.
They're very good cinematographers, those two, despite stabbing Ezra in the back.
You want to see a clip?
Of course I do.
Why is one side of my mustache always up?
This is not very good, dude.
What's the matter with you?
You know what's interesting about this movie is you can't retweet it.
So it's been ghosted on retweets, the trailer.
So what people are doing is they're filming their phone and then sending that video as the retweet.
Look at this.
Shadow blocked.
So they have to film their phone to show you the video.
Don't these assholes realize they're making us cool?
That's a t-shirt right now.
These assholes are making us.
Don't these assholes realize they're making us cool?
Question mark.
Like, you're making us taboo.
You're making us the in-crowd.
You're making us heavy metal.
We're basically Black Sabbath in the 70s right now.
You're making us rock.
You're making us punk.
You're making us verboten.
Don't you understand that young people love stuff that you're not supposed to look at?
And the underdogs.
You're making us the underdogs.
Yeah.
People always root for the underdogs.
If my daughter ever starts dating a guy that I don't want her to date, I'm going to love him.
I'm going to say, hey, Sophie, where's Max?
He's a lot of fun.
I'd love Max to come by.
And then I'll say things like, that sounds like something Max would say.
Classic Max.
Until she dumps him.
The last thing you want to do as a dad is go, where's that bad boy?
The one on the motorcycle who picked you up and had you back past curfew.
Ooh, that guy.
No way.
I'm running out to that guy's motorbike and going, nice, but what is that?
A thousand CCs?
Whoa, that's a hell of a ride.
I bet it never overheats.
Yeah, yeah.
Your carburetors sound a little bit blocked up.
Want me to help you clean them out?
That's right.
That's what you do.
And so you dummies are saying, don't date Gavin.
Don't date Laura.
Don't date Alex.
Don't date Paul Joseph Watson.
Don't date Tommy Robinson.
He's too hot.
This is like the Avengers right here.
You're making us the Avengers.
Tonight, we present this special report on social media.
Remember that idiotic statue?
That little girl?
Where they put her in front of the Wall Street bull, where in real life, that child would die.
She'd be gored to death by a bull.
So what you accidentally did was prove what we're saying, which is women are vulnerable.
It was so perfect when it was there.
I talked about it in a bar once with this guy for like an hour.
I think it was Freddie someone from National Review.
And we just talked about how perfect it is to have that little girl there because there's tomes and tomes of metaphors going on.
Like it shows the hubris of feminists and how naive they are to think they can stand up to a bull.
And it also shows free market versus communism.
It was the city that allowed that there.
The bull, the Wall Street bull, wasn't a plan.
An artist just stuck it there.
It's essentially vandalism.
That Italian guy who made it, he just plopped it there.
Anyway, so great that they did that.
And so now what they've done is they've moved it.
And she's just sitting somewhere else.
I got to work on this mustache.
Go ahead.
Thank you.
Zuckerberg's power, unprecedented and un-American.
Listen, this is not just targeting one side of the political system.
Yes, it is.
It's the first time that the High Court will examine free speech rights and social media.
This is a monopoly.
There is no competition, and there's no accountability.
Facebook or Google are not government actors, so the First Amendment does not speak to their conduct.
Certain voices and messages should be excluded from their platforms.
Why?
We're not in Kansas anymore.
We're not in Kansas anymore.
I shouldn't have played that twice.
Should have just been, we're not in Kansas anymore.
This is not a lifestyle for people who are weak-minded.
I mean, I didn't just get depressed.
I felt straight up super.
Can you just pause it there?
That's an interesting point.
I've been thinking a lot about this recently, is how harrowing it is.
And my wife doesn't enjoy conflict.
I love it.
I love being yelled at.
I love fighting.
I Love danger.
But so I'm perfectly cut out for this.
I think it's a Scottish thing.
The Scots were under siege from the English for 700 years.
And so the ones that don't like conflict are extinct.
But what I've also seen, I've seen people break down and some people go nuts.
Like, remember that guy, Johnny Benitez?
He was a proud boy, and now he lives in Columbia, and he's a cowboy.
He changed his name.
Really?
Yeah.
So they go that route.
They totally change their identity.
Then there's Pax Dickinson, who is now like farming ostriches out in the middle of nowhere.
So that's one route.
Another is just a complete nervous breakdown.
I mean, Laura Loomer is on the verge of suicide, and she'll happily discuss that with you.
I'm not speaking out of turn.
And another thing they do, though, when they get isolated is they become the Nazis that you say they are.
I'm not going to name names, but I know of guys where they were just asking questions.
They were genuinely curious.
And then the next thing you know, they were pushed to the outskirts of society where they became alt-right because everyone kept saying, you're alt-right, you're altruist, alt-right, you're alt-right, you're alt-right, until no one would hang out with them.
And they end up talking to Nazis and they end up getting radicalized.
So the irony, I remember the Southern Poverty Law Center blamed Proud Boys for radicalizing.
They said, you want bigots, Gavin?
This is how you get bigots.
No, you are how we get bigots.
You isolated that young man until he had no one else to talk to and he became a Nazi.
You are creating hate.
The SPLC manifested hate where there was none.
This vilification, this depersoning of people is creating Nazis.
And I saw this happen in the 80s with the government.
They started this anti-Nazi campaign and ended up trying to lure Nazis in by creating the Heritage Foundation, they were called.
And the next thing you know, they created a Nazi movement.
That's not how you conduct a free society.
You know how you conduct a free society?
And please don't take this quote out of context.
You allow a Holocaust denier the right to talk.
And you know what happens then?
Intelligent people explain to him how he's wrong, and that idea gets quashed.
So if it's a tweet, then there can be a thread, and you have intelligent people, I've talked about this before, like say Prager or Ezra, explain to the guy why he's wrong, and you can rescue him from the precipice of extreme anti-Semitism.
But when you isolate him, he becomes more anti-Semitic, and then you end up creating this sort of Nazi cabal.
We've tried the non-freedom thing before.
It was called socialism.
It's called communism.
It's called Cuba.
It doesn't work.
We got here to freedom with trial and error.
Anyway, go ahead and play that.
Depressed?
I felt straight up suicidal.
Very soon, time soon, then the relocation of my family will be needed.
I wake up, the first thing I do, before I talk to anyone, before I turn on my phone, is go on my YouTube channel and make sure it's still there.
I mean, I lost my job.
I lost my social media platforms.
I lost my vocation in a sense.
If we don't fight back if we don't do something soon, I'm worried that we may fall.
We may lose what makes this country great, and that is the fact that we have free speech.
The government cannot broadly restrict anything that it might label hate speech, but platforms can if they wish to.
Let's talk about YouTube, the second biggest search engine in the world.
The more they try to send to the people who are being tangible, the more frustration there will be already.
A progressive publisher fears those on the left like her may soon face the very same hurdles as conservatives.
I was used as the straw man.
Once the public took the bait, took the hook in their mouth, then everyone else would fall.
We were winning.
We're losing.
That's not very inspiring.
It's a new documentary where Gavin McGinnis ends the trailer with, we're losing.
Nice dude, bummer.
Yeah, womp.
I don't like stuff like that where there's no hope.
But I talked to the filmmakers and I said, I hope this isn't like, we're the victims and I might get kicked off YouTube and my neighbors were mean to me.
And we, I hope it's not whiny.
No.
You know what it is?
It's like you need to be told you're losing so that way you could fight harder to win.
Yeah.
All right.
I think we're getting a little too serious here and we're bumming people out.
Let's go back to the 25 hottest women and throw in my new favorite chick, Nanastasia Natasia.
God, I hate all foreign names.
Natasia?
What is with Greeks and their stupid names?
Theodora Cropolis.
Let's go and I think our 25 hottest chicks list needs a serious overhaul.
So let's just go through it again and see how it's changed to sort of lighten the mood here.
We're getting a little heavy.
Sunday school, he asked about All-American, All-American.
All-American.
Hello, gentlemen.
Oh, sorry, I didn't say that in the mic.
Hello, gentlemen.
We are constantly updating the top 25 hottest women.
We all know that Beatrice Dowell in Betty Blue was the pinnacle of beauty, but she's an old hag now.
And ladies, while you're watching this and you're seeing what men love, try to make yourself more like these women.
So I think this is good for women too to watch this list.
But men, you should watch this list, and this is who you should be attracted to.
And it's not my personal opinion.
These are facts.
These are beauty facts.
I'm a beauty guru.
So I want to announce, kind of an exciting announcement to make.
As you know, we're constantly kicking people off the list and putting people on the list.
It's a sort of an art.
It's not a science.
It's an amorphous moving top 25 list.
Kate Blanchett just got pushed out.
She was number 25.
It was specifically her in the movie Ragnarok, where she's got black hair and she looks kind of rugged, haggard.
We like that look as men.
But I'm excited to announce a new person jumps onto number 11 from Zero.
I didn't know she existed until I started watching What we do in the shadows on FX, a vampire show, where she plays a vampire.
She should try to pull up one of those.
But Natasha Natasia Demetrio is my new favorite chick.
There she is as a vampire.
She seems like pretty fat on the show, but she's always wearing lots of stuff, so it's hard to tell.
She's a Greek-British woman, hence the stupid name Natasia.
Should be named Polly.
I like the name Polly for a girl.
But she is more than just a looker.
The reason that you are so attracted to her is she's smart and funny and has this incredible soothing aura about her.
If you go look her up, go find her on any talk show.
And when she opens her mouth, it's just niceness comes out.
She's just such a nice, good quality.
This is her with her brother.
She did a show with her brother.
And they're just like, because they're quite immature as characters, even though they're sort of our ages.
It's that like stupid, like brother and sister, best friends, like watching TV on the sofa, having crisps and chats.
Nowadays, me and Jamie, we're in casinos.
You know, we're drinking champagne.
We're only playing poker.
It's a very joke.
Did you catch that?
Like, that's how funny she is.
She's joking around, making fun of the characters she plays and saying they're kind of trashy.
And then she realizes that that sounds pompous.
So she exaggerates that and talks about how she is always playing poker and drinking champagne because she's rich now.
Here she is doing a parody of the way Russians see America.
This chick is scared shitless.
She's being held captive.
And this is just a ditzy Russian who has no idea what she's talking about.
And she's trying to look like a stupid loser.
And she's still so amazingly attractive.
And again, I'm not lusting her.
I'm not coveting thy neighbor's wife.
I'm happily married.
This is for you to cherish.
I'm helping you cherish.
My name is Rowdy Rebecca.
Watch out.
And my name is very small, sweet, lovely Bula.
Shh, don't be poloising.
I'm very swing.
We eat, sleep, and pray, and drink with the Americans.
For us, American City is the most important city in the world, baby.
And this is our top 10 things.
Very well in the Americas.
That's a really funny video, too, by the way.
So that's a wife.
If you see someone who's that soothing, funny, and smart, just throw a ring on it.
I don't care what you have to do.
Put her in a bag.
Put a potato sack over her head and throw her in a van.
And eventually she'll get Stockholm Syndrome and fall in love with you.
All right, so let's just briefly go through the list and check out the new editions.
Because the last time we did this, that was a long time ago, I'd forgotten about Fox News, Kimberly Guilfoyle, all that stuff.
So Cheryl Burke is the least attractive woman in the top 25 most beautiful women in the world.
Cheryl Burke was much hotter when she was younger.
She's getting a little older now, and we have to base this on 2019.
So you can't say Sophia Lorraine or Bridget Bardot in the 50s.
That's not attainable.
She might divorce her husband.
He seems like a loser.
And then you might be able to get her.
But if you're young, don't, because I don't think she's fertile.
24, Laura Greener.
Now, she is just something about her on Shark Tank.
You just want to jump into the TV and eat her up.
But I Google imaged her, and she does not Google image well.
So I think times are not looking good for Laurie.
She's just too away from being pushed out of the top 25.
Liz Plank, of course, still remains at 23.
Her politics are infuriating.
She's a tedious and dogmatic feminist who is uninformed and terrible at debates and just parrots DNC talking points to pedantic levels of tedium.
But you're going to deny that she's breathtakingly gorgeous?
It's that Montreal curse.
Every woman from Montreal is a nine.
If you go there, by the way, and you're a nine, you're going to feel hideous.
22, Leah Michelle from Glee.
No idea why she's so hot.
Google image her.
She's got this gigantic schnauz, absolutely zero boobs, and there's just something incredibly attractive about her and matronly too.
Like there's something about some of these women where you don't just want to bang them in an alleyway.
You want to marry them.
They seem like they'd be good moms.
She's not that attractive, but she has that, you know who's like this, that singer, Demi Lovato?
She has this Italian kind of, I'll be a great mom for your kids kind of thing.
And in this list, we're including that as a thing.
This isn't about banging chicks.
This is about getting married.
21, Doodle on a Motorcycle.
Just very special gal who does motorcycle repair.
20, Allison Stoke.
I don't like her on this list.
She doesn't like being ogled.
She's married to some Olympian javelin thrower or something.
But again, unbelievably hot.
Maybe Google image her.
Because I'm actually resenting.
And this list confuses me just as much as it confuses you.
Like Lauren Chen, roaming millennial.
She's nowhere on this list.
And she's more attractive technically than others.
I can't explain that.
That might be an example of my bias because I see her as a daughter figure to me.
That's Allison Stoke.
What an insane knockout.
A golfer?
Okay.
Wow.
Yeah.
All right.
19.
Corianca Kilcher, the fake American Indian who's actually half Peruvian.
She's a knockout.
Her chin's a little big.
Some of these are not aging very well.
18.
Now this is up there with Natasia, Katie Mixon.
She's, that's not a great picture of her, but she is kind of chubby now.
She's on this show American Housewife, I think it's called.
And you can look at old pictures of her when she was like a Maxim type of model.
And now she's chubby.
You get to see her boobs in Eastbound and Down, and they are something to write home about, boy.
Those are fake?
Okay.
Well, still, thanks for ruining that for me.
Even now, as a fatso, I am all about it.
Oh, she's the one married to a javelin guy.
She's married to some Olympic athlete.
I know he gets out of bed.
So that's her when she was a young, gorgeous star, and this is her now.
That seems, 18 seems a little high.
this list is constantly changing.
17, the chick in the USAA ad, who's pregnant, so that's kind of perverted of you to put her there.
But yeah, this chick does an insurance ad, and I don't want to take away a wife from a military man, but if God forbid anything happens to him, this would be a good wife.
16, Tulsi Gabbard, old as hell.
I think she might be my age.
And in some pictures, she has a white streak in her hair.
She is a keeper.
Although I think she hates Trump.
15, of course.
Now they're getting easy.
Kimberly Guilfoyle.
With that Katie Mixon picture, I was doubting myself and thinking about changing the list.
But now it's going to be all smooth sailing.
Kimberly Guilfoil, as one guy at a bar put it to me, he said, she is the kind of woman you would kill your kids on Christmas morning just to be able to eat her ass.
That's highly offensive.
And I don't agree with that.
But she inspires hyperbole.
Oof.
This is not a good...
Find a better picture of her because, or she's off.
That's 24 material, not very close to the top 10.
Okay, that's much better.
Oh, and another thing that's incredibly attractive about her is she does these YouTube videos where she torments telemarketers and she cracks herself up, and that's very attractive.
But yeah, I'm having second thoughts about her.
13.
We already talked about her.
Demi Lovato, again, has the like, you'd be a great mom vibe.
You choose the worst pictures, Ryan.
What do you think of her?
Do you find her attractive?
She has the that's my friend's sister vibe.
Why can't we see you?
Is that too much technology?
I can make it happen.
Well, let's see it.
Oh, uh-oh, behind the scenes.
Yeah, a big part, Google Image her too.
That's two missions I have for you.
A big part of these are, can I spend the rest of my life with you?
And I think, Demi, I can tell she will age well.
She's going to get fat.
So whoever's out there marrying her, know that she's going to be pretty big when she's in her, when she gets closer to 50.
But that's going to be great.
More cushioned for the pushin'.
Can you Google image her yet?
Slow ass?
Well, I'm doing, I'm catching up.
Okay.
And what am I doing?
What are you doing?
This is live.
Do this.
Do what?
Why are you so slow?
What an incompetent boob.
Oh, this is the guy.
Now, who is the sexiest so far, Ryan?
Would you say?
Oh, my God.
That'll be taken out.
Who's the sexiest so far?
Let's see your face.
You are, boss.
No, no.
Out of the list so far, who is the sexiest, do you think?
Let's see your face.
Oh, you can remember.
Who's the sexiest so far?
Well, who's number one?
No, no.
Out of the ones we've said, so far.
This is an undeniable list.
Who's the sexiest so far?
It would be Kimbra.
No, that's the number one on the list.
I said that we've mentioned so far.
You dunce.
Well, that would be because it's the last one, Demi Lovato.
Because she's 13.
That is the last number.
So mathematically, the closest to one means the sexiest.
Okay, so Google image her.
And while you looked that up, I just want to announce to the folks at home that Ryan is so pussy whipped.
No, I'm in love.
He will not ever describe a beautiful woman because his girlfriend has forbidden it.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
So he's not allowed to say women are attractive.
That's why he's hiding from this question.
Have you ever seen anything more pathetic?
Happy wife, happy life.
Yeah, my wife's perfectly happy with this.
I'm not sitting here fondling myself looking at women.
We're just discussing beauty.
God, you let your girlfriend tell you what to think, you loser.
Nope.
Yes, yep.
All right, let's see more of her.
She's kind of tacky and trashy, too.
I think I mentioned that.
Ooh, that's very masculine.
And I'm racist against Italians.
You're racist against Italians?
I'm developing a hatred for the Italian.
Oh, I love Italians.
The great thing about Italians, too, is she'll be wearing stilettos when she's 60.
Whoa, that one is a zinger.
Okay, let's get back to work here.
Number 12, and I am deeply sorry that it took me so long to remember Lisa Booth, the Bambi cartoon.
You're going to have a cartoon in your house forever if you marry her, and she's going to age well.
Number 11, of course, was Natasia.
Look at her.
Oh, my God.
Just hanging out with her.
I bet she's just shooting the shit.
It's just heaven.
Just having, screw screwing her.
Imagine having tea with her.
And I said I. I didn't mean I. I meant you.
Number 10, Naomi Scott, in the Charlie's Angels reboot.
She Google images real well, too.
Lots of variety with her.
Number nine, Nuala from the show Escaping Alaska.
I married one of these.
I cannot recommend Indians enough.
They can be pretty hard to court because the ones that were welcoming to white people are all dead.
So we're just left with the grumpy ones.
But once you can get through that hard shell exterior, they're the best.
And they can drink.
Number eight, Emmanuel Chirqui.
Oh, now she's a Moroccan Jew from Montreal.
You could just read that on paper and know that she's going to be an insane 10.
And she probably has great tits.
We've noticed that with the Jews.
Number seven, Kat Dennings, another Jew with fantastic bosom.
I don't like her.
I bet she's annoying.
She's probably an actress.
And we are basing a lot of personality on this.
It's not just looks.
So, but those boobs, I mean, she could be a mass murderer.
And I think she could be an abortion doctor who only does third trimester abortions illegally in a basement.
And I feel like we could work something up.
Number six, Grace Fulton.
I just discovered her in the movie Shazam.
She usually does horror movies.
That's what she's in front of.
What an insane knockout.
Now it's all creme de la creme.
Number five, of course, Kim Taylor Bennett, who is unbelievably gorgeous, but I don't think you could ever get her, so just ogle her.
Number four, Camilla Cabello.
Now, this is weird, too, because she's a famous person.
She looks like Leah Michelle.
She's a famous person.
I left a lot of famous people out of this list because I feel like they'd be annoying.
That's a bad picture of her, dude.
I'm going to send you new pictures.
But in that movie, and the beginning of that video is super funny.
So I think she's hilarious.
Third most beautiful person in the world is Larissa Swanson from an episode of The Prophet where her dad was a shady fish salesman who kept burning down his properties, I believe, as an insurance scam.
But holy crap, what a looker.
And again, that's one of the worst pictures you could possibly find of her.
Number two, Sonoya Mizuno.
Just, I would, you should marry this if it has, if she's in a coma.
If she's in a coma at the hospital, you should get married and have the ceremony at the hospital.
She is perfect.
And I know this is just from a silly movie, but that is a great look, ladies.
I'm not a big bob guy, but if you got, you know, full-bodied hair, this is a great look.
She's British, by the way.
And you know what else about Sonoya that makes her unbelievably awesome?
She's a ballerina.
She's a very accomplished ballerina.
That's why she's the second most beautiful woman in the world on the inside and the out.
And of course, always in the top spot is the breathtakingly gorgeous Kimbra, who's also a talented musician.
And she's in that song, Somebody That I Used to Know.
I think she co-wrote it with that other guy.
And that is the up-to-date 25 Most Beautiful Women in the World.
All-American, swim those laps.
All-American, boy.
Make that call.
It's funny that I said we're going to overhaul that list, and I came from it thinking it needs some serious overhauls.
Like, I don't like Demi Lovato in there anymore, and I don't like that American housewife's chick.
Sorry, but you're not pretty anymore.
Or the pole vaulter, right?
The pole vaulter, I want her out of there.
She has a six-pack.
Imagine you're going down on a woman and you look up and there's some David Beckham stomach in front of your eyes.
That's not the deal.
We like a little flesh down there.
It's a third boob.
I want to talk about something.
I saw that there's a new movie out where this white guy is a black woman.
Can we see the trailer for that?
See if you can dig up the trailer for that.
But everyone is furious.
They're calling it blackface.
And I'm realizing that blackface is not over in America.
It's actually pretty darn popular.
Can you show the tweet there?
What in the blackface hell is this?
That's actually a kind of a cool sentence, isn't it?
I like the cadence of that.
What in the blackface hell is this?
I'm going to start saying that.
Like when something is crazy, I'll just go, what in the blackface hell?
Get down from there.
That is pretty fun.
Yeah, when you go into the kitchen, the kids are having a food fight, and you're like, what in the blackface hell is going on in here?
I think the confusion helps the chaos stop, too.
They're like, what?
What are you saying?
Blackface hell?
What is blackface hell?
The Clumps.
Go back, go back.
I want to see his tweet.
Laquitia is the hilarious, heartwarming story of Joe, an astute, underachieving Detroit bartender of Valerie's Truth, blah, blah, blah, who does a black female personality.
And he becomes a successful radio star.
And then as he gets more and more popular, I think he has to hire like an actress to play him.
But do they do a black woman's voice or do they have him doing a black woman's voice?
Find the trailer.
But I realize that this is not uncommon.
It's a thing.
And by the way, blackface is grossly misunderstood.
Blackface is often in history, in the 50s, it was used to lampoon African Americans.
But maybe 10 to 15% of the time.
The other 80, 85% of the time, it was actually an homage to blacks.
Whites sensed they were boring.
Remember, these were the Puritans who came here.
And after blacks were liberated from slavery, white people thought they were cool and exciting.
Yes, there was, of course, racism.
But they were also deeply enamored with African peoples.
And so when they were on stage, they would dress up as them and say, I'm one of these exciting Negroes that you keep seeing around town.
And then in Europe, it was totally mainstream and it wasn't racist.
There was a show when I was a kid in England called the Black and White Minstrel Show.
See if you can dig that up.
And it was on Friday nights at 8 p.m.
And it was like a vaudevillian entertainment show where every single person on it had black face.
No, the black and white minstrel show.
It's a video.
Yeah, there it is.
Yeah, well, clearly I want a video.
We're a video show.
What is this, an article?
Are we an article?
Yeah, there it is.
There, they're wearing sombreros.
This was a very popular show, and it wasn't meant to lampoon black people.
And then you have Black Pete in the Netherlands, who is Santa's right-hand man, and everyone in town wears blackface to celebrate Santa's black, I guess, helper.
So we're just so desperate for racism, though, that we find that percentage of blackface that was lampooning blacks and then say anyone.
Like Fred Armerson, when he played Barack Obama on SNL, he couldn't make his face darker because that would be blackface.
So it just looked like Barack Obama has food poisoning and he's really, really sick.
Yeah.
All right, let's play the Laquitia trailer.
I'm really just talking to myself.
I don't charge for my advice.
Well, you should, because it was amazing.
I saw this And I thought of you.
You will be a hit in no time.
Welcome to the Joe Show.
I submitted myself to a radio station for my own show.
Congratulations.
They rejected me.
Well, congratulations.
You weren't right for your own show.
You aren't good at playing drunk.
Need to get the money for this school.
$13,000 a semester?
Dashie needs her own show.
If I was a black woman, I'd be perfect.
She's brilliant.
I know.
Get her into the biggest thing in radio.
But I still need my inanimity.
You nervous?
That doesn't sound like a black woman.
It sounds like a white guy doing a black woman's voice.
Hi, Luquisha.
What's your problem?
Hi, Luquisha.
It's free.
Oh, I ain't talking to you.
Not the way you sound.
Next caller.
You go, girl.
You just be good to her.
If you good to yourself.
All right, that's enough.
Let's hear you do a black woman's voice.
I ain't fucking with y'all, motherfuckers.
On the swearing episode.
I'm sure I could do another one.
So that movie's getting some.
I bet that they're super politically correct at the end, and he's really sorry.
I bet it's a PC movie, but just the concept is getting them in trouble.
But this is not a foreign concept.
Like there's a movie where David Cross plays a guy who, no, it's a black guy who speaks white, and they use David Cross's voice, and his life becomes super successful after he becomes a white guy.
So white face, the exact same premise, is reversed, and that's totally fine because you're recognizing that white people get all this privilege they don't deserve.
It's just based on their voice.
I'm just out here surviving.
And what I'm doing right now won't even matter.
Baby, baby, it will always matter.
It's like showing a sex scene in a trailer.
Is this trailer the longest trailer in the world?
God made this land for all of us.
Greedy people like you want to hog it to yourself and just jump ahead, dude.
This is tedious.
I kind of like him.
This is Langston from Regal View.
As always, we'll be getting that out to you right away.
You're doing so good with the voice thing.
Holla, holla, holla, holla, holla.
Oh, yeah.
All right.
So that's fine.
You can be a black guy doing a white guy.
You can't do a white guy doing a black person.
But this is happening in real life.
Do you remember Mindy Kaling's brother got into med school as a black man?
So he's Indian, as you may have guessed from Mindy Kaling's face.
And he shaved his head bald.
He did a Sean King.
He cut his hair so short, you couldn't tell that it wasn't an Afro.
But he talked about how he had perfect grades, and so did his friend, and they couldn't get into med school.
So his buddy's name was Boots.
What happened to Boots next chilled me to my marrow?
He began applying to medical schools, and we both figured we would sail through, get many interviews, and then have his pick.
Boots was a year older, and medical school was everything he'd worked for since starting at the University of Chicago.
His grades and test scores were better than mine because, unlike me, he actually studied.
But when he applied to 15 medical schools, got only two interviews and was accepted to exactly zero schools.
He felt like a college running back who thinks he'll go to the Patriots in the second round and is done when he's relegated to play in the CFL.
So, and Mindy must have been pissed about this because it was all over the news.
So, he pretended to be black and got into med school.
Now, you know what's weird?
When Elizabeth Warren did that and pretended she was an American Indian, it pissed me off because she's taking a place in American Indian, a real one could have had.
But this case, it doesn't piss me off.
Why is that?
I guess because I'm a hypocrite.
Third example, a white guy pretended to be Chinese for a poetry contest, and it worked.
At the back of the 2015 edition of the Best American Poetry Posey, Yi Fen Chao is revealed as the pen name of Michael Derek Hudson from Indiana.
Hudson writes that his poem chosen for the anthology, The Bees, the Flowers, Jesus, Ancient Tigers, Poseidon, Adam, and Eve, was rejected under his real name 40 times before he sent it out as Yi Fen Chao, when it was rejected nine times before getting accepted.
If indeed this is one of the best American poems of 2015, it took quite a bit of effort to get it into print.
But I'm nothing if not persistent, writes Hudson.
This is the tangled web we weave when we ignore truth and meritocracy and try to correct the universe that God made.
If someone is qualified for medical school, by the way, I'm about to say a bunch of horrible, racist, revolutionary, radical stuff.
You ready for this?
If someone is good at giving advice, they should have a radio show.
If a man is on the phone and has a black accent, he should still be effective.
If a man is qualified for medical school, he should get in.
If a guy writes a good poem, the merit of that poem should be based on the poem.
How did we get here in this savage clown world where we're constantly trying to correct society's wrongs?
All right, we're out of time.
I want to end with an optimistic video here on the swearing episode.
This is a guy doing what we would all do if we saw a sloth.
He's picking it up and putting it on a tree.
And because sloths might be the coolest animal in the world, I think I want to pet sloth.
Can you get, is it legal to domesticate them?
I'll find out.
They probably poo once a month.
They're like women.
They're like slow.
You can catch it.
When they're about to shit on your fucking carpet, you can catch them.
Yeah.
You just put a little tissue down.
Hey, dude, don't do that.
We'll be back in an hour.
I'm going to get some milk while you shit before it touches the carpet.
Watch your potty mouth.
We allow swearing on this show, but it shouldn't become a crutch.
All right, show this guy.
Sorry, can you just pause it here?
Hey, God, if you're watching, what is a sloth's defense for predators?
Guilt.
Like a turtle has a shell.
Other things, maybe they taste really disgusting.
They don't look like they're up for much of a fight.
They look cute, so you don't want to pass with them.
I feel like a mouse could eat it.
Just take little bites as is his want.
Stop.
Hey, man, stop eating me, dude.
Look at him.
What's better than a sloth?
I can't believe I called Opie Hughes a torpid sloth.
You did call him that, yes.
Because it's a compliment.
Yeah.
He's a sloth.
Well, it's not great on a comedy talk show.
But look at this guy.
And I love that the dude doesn't just drop him off.
He makes sure he's got the tree.
You good?
You good?
You got it?
You got it?
It just starts climbing.
Let me get your leg there.
Yeah, you good?
And then check it out.
He says, bye.
And the sloth's like, see you later, dudes.
And he smiles.
Look at his face.
Hey, man.
I'm really, really stoned.
I had edibles.
I like your new sunglasses.
You're the sunglasses.
I like your new sunglasses.
Bye.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
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