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May 2, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:12:48
#136 | Could you imagine liking Peter Gabriel?

Peter Gabriel sucks and of course, Ryan likes him because he has the worst musical taste in the entire state of NY. We gave some very helpful boxing tips and talked about the two times Gavin’s wife wanted to kill him.

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Could you imagine liking Peter Gabriel?
That song Sledgehammer?
I was listening to it at the gym today and I was just trying to picture some guy coming home after a hard day.
Americans, middle-class Americans who are still single, like 29-year-old, 30-year-old professionals who are living in a shitty apartment because they're creating a nest egg so they can get married.
Those guys, the second they get home, they can't wait to get into their basketball shorts and their socks and their oversized t-shirt.
I don't like that.
My dad, when I was young in the 70s, my dad would be repointing at a house on the weekends with his dress shoes on and his slacks and maybe like a string vest.
Or in Britain, it was a V-neck sweater vest with nothing on underneath.
We would go to Disneyland and he'd have on his black work shoes and his slacks and like a t-shirt that said Disney.
Men only had one pair of shoes.
It's funny that we talk about poverty and stuff in America these days because if any of these people in the hood on welfare had to live my middle class existence, they'd be mortified.
And we had a pool, but we had a black and white TV.
We never went on vacation.
Disneyland was an anomaly.
We had one car.
My mom stayed home for most of it until I got older.
And she ran a delicatessen, which is the weirdest job.
We owned a delicatessen named Duddies.
Now, my mother, God bless her heart, she's not a very passionate food person.
There's not a lot of love that goes into her recipes.
And I don't mean to disparage you, mom, but you did microwave a salad once.
I came, I was visiting her.
I came on my motorcycle from Montreal.
She goes, you're right, son.
You alright.
You fine, see something to eat?
And I was a vegetarian at the time.
And she goes, let me make you a salad.
And then she grates cheese on top of the salad.
And then she thinks, ooh, it'd be nice if the cheese was melted.
Now, I don't know.
I don't know what she was thinking.
Who sees grated cheese on a salad and goes, not done.
That needs to be poured on like nachos.
You know, that delicious nacho salad.
So she puts it in the microwave.
Iceberg lettuce, when it's microwaved, is hotter than molten lava.
And it looks like seaweed.
It loses all its texture and it just becomes like fire batwings.
It looks like Satan's foreskin is on fire.
But it's green.
Which Satan's foreskin is probably green.
So, yeah, we ran a delicatessen.
I'll tell you one thing, though.
It was owned by Scotts, and the fries were hand-cut fries, deep-fried, soaked overnight, de-starched.
Maybe that's where I got my passionate dedication to the fry, which most of my peers don't have.
It's heartbreaking to see them prefer frozen over other fries.
But anyway, so this guy comes home, puts on his sweats, because God forbid you should be slightly uncomfortable.
This is the problem with America today.
Everyone has to be so comfortable all the time.
That's not healthy.
I was talking to a doctor at the bar the other day, and she told me that we have a hidden recessive gene that's called the savage gene, and you have to be in peril in order to activate it.
And if you're always sort of endangered and you're stressed out, then you will live longer because the savage gene kicks in, the survival gene.
So that's why it's healthy to go to the gym because you're stressing out your body.
That's why Scottish people are so superior.
Because for 800 years, they were attacked by the English.
And all the ones that were weak and didn't like conflict are deed.
But sorry, I keep going off of tangents.
I remember one time I came home.
I had a green mohawk.
I was 18 and I was feeling kind of depressed as teenagers do.
Maybe I was about 15 when I came home.
And my mom goes, you alright, son?
And I go, no, I don't know.
I'm feeling kind of down.
And she goes, oh, you go upstairs to your room, listen to some of your punk, and I'll bring you up a plate of soup.
As she sort of, as she caressed my green bangs.
That's the least punk thing in the world.
It's the most Portlandia thing in the world.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I think it's a Banksy painting where it has like a mom preparing a lunch to some anarchist protester, giving him a sandwich box, something like that.
Right, right.
I could see that.
But anyway, sorry.
Is it a real one?
Go back.
Find Sledgehammer by Peter Gabriel.
I like that song.
That's perfect, though.
That makes sense.
You have the worst taste out of anyone I've ever met.
You like Tina Turner.
You have the taste of a Puerto Rican mom.
Yeah.
Does your mom have good taste?
She has a good taste for a Puerto Rican mom.
Your mom's into like hoosker-doo and stuff and the replacements, and she took all your good taste.
She thinks the sex pisses are kind of hacked.
I expect they start as a business.
The sellouts.
I can't hear it, but can the people at home hear it?
Yeah.
I mean, the flutes are irritating, but imagine being into that fucking voice.
Well, I don't have to say imagine to you.
You do like it.
I hate horns.
Horns are so sexy.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Like Bruno Mars and all that Mark Ronson shit.
Fucking saxophones and trumpets trying to be sexy.
You know what?
Revolting.
I think about, you know the trumpet with the little ball in it where it goes...
Yeah, that's not this.
and then it's like that.
It's like...
And she's like...
That was supposed to be funny.
What happened?
You spoke?
There's a good cover of this song, by the way.
Do you want to hear it?
No, I want To keep hearing this, his voice, it's so shrill.
Oh, god, I hate him and his family, and his children, and his children's friends.
I hate this fucking video, too.
And another thing I hate, speaking of Bruno Mars and that funk down, funk, don't, don't, what's that song?
Uptown, funk.
Uptown, funk, don't, doodly dump.
Uptown, funk, dunn, da-vent, dun-dun-da-da-da-da.
Ugh.
And it's Bruno Mars with his little hat on trying to be sexy.
There's nothing worse in the world, and this is, I'm drifting from Peter Gabriel now, than sexy music.
Like, you can leave your hat on, ba-da-da-da-da-da-da.
Or let's give them something to talk about.
Or even Lust for Life by Iggy Pop.
It makes me think of old people having sex.
But Bunomars is all about being slick and sexy.
Fucking gross.
Men aren't sexy.
You know what turns on a woman?
A big shithead who's a kind of a good guy, but kind of a mean guy sometimes.
Like Tony Soprano.
Women are more attracted to Tony Soprano than they are David Beckham.
Especially when they get older.
You know who women want to fuck?
Well, not now.
But women want to fuck Artie Lang.
Not since he lost his nose to cocaine in the great cocaine wars of Artie's face.
It seemed like he gained more nose instead of lost it.
No, it just...
I didn't lose my nose.
I actually got more nose at...
Ever tell you about Tony Curtis?
He had to wrap a rope around his nose so that way shit wouldn't tumble out of it.
I can't do it without laughing.
I'm sorry.
That Tony Curtis thing, man, that's legendary.
I'm worried about Artie Lang because my kids have the same DNA as him, the same percentage Indian.
And I'm worried they're going to be prone to addiction because our family, the Scottish side and the Indian side are replete with addicts, especially alcohol.
So that's a concern.
All my uncles are drunks.
And that worries me.
But I saw him at school the other day.
I was back up in the suburbs early because I had to take care of a bunch of shit.
A friend of mine got in some big trouble.
And I was going by my son's school on the way to the courthouse.
And I saw him playing baseball.
And at first I waved, and then I thought, no, I'm just going to spy on him.
And I realized two things.
McInnes's are leaders, and McInnes's are sweeties.
He's playing baseball.
And what they do with their baseball, they're only allowed to have a little wimpy plastic bat.
They're not allowed to have steel or wooden bats on the school because they go too far.
So these kids, like they're in prison, they roll up, they saw off the top with a saw.
And then they roll up newspaper super duper tight and they pack it in there with a hammer and then they duct tape it back up again.
So it's almost as heavy.
It's like they made wood.
They made wood from paper.
I've heard convicts doing that with magazines and stuff where they roll them up super tight and they spend like days rolling them tighter and tighter and tighter until you basically have a stick.
Then you can sharpen that and fucking stab a motherfucker.
But yeah, he was playing baseball and he was giving other kids a chance and he was showing them how to throw.
And then as some kid was making a home run, he was yelling and patting him on the back.
He was acting like a coach.
What a good guy.
Yeah.
I had a moment with my wife.
Oh, wait, I've got to tell you about the...
Let's stick with the family.
Yeah.
My wife can be a little grumpy.
The way I explain it to people is we killed all the nice Indians.
All the Indians that go, hey, white man, what's going on?
Want to sit down?
They're dead.
And so we're just left with the bitches.
But, you know, you just stay out of her hair and you just sort of be around for the moments.
She's in a happy mood.
And then you just hang out with her.
But no, she's very personable.
And despite our political differences, we have the same sense of humor and the same taste in music and all that other stuff.
Politics is one of maybe like 30 things.
You know what I mean?
There's your taste in design and furniture and friends and all that.
But she's reading this book called Coney Island Something.
And I was reading the write-up and it's about a couple.
It's a popular book out now.
It's about a couple who have been having a, they're both married, but they're in horrible marriages.
And they go to Coney Island every month for, I don't know, a day or two.
And they have an affair.
What's it called?
Coney Island of the Mind for the Mind or something like that?
Lawrence Ferengeti.
Is that the one?
Just look up Coney Island Affair.
Married couple.
It's this one.
Yeah, Coney Island of the Mind.
Lawrence Ferengi.
Okay.
Anyway, we're going out to karaoke, which, by the way, if you live in the suburbs, going out for karaoke for a friend's birthday party is $1,000.
Didn't I talk about this already?
Yeah.
I did.
To me, to me.
Podcast.
Sorry.
Uber, even we took the train there to be cheap.
Uber backs 80 bucks.
Babysitter is 100 bucks.
Your share of the karaoke is going to be like 80 bucks.
Dinner, 100 bucks.
It ends up being almost 500 bucks.
My Cone Island Baby, that's what it's called.
You're so sure of yourself.
Yeah, my Colon Island.
Yeah, disregard previous one, folks at home.
I just said Colon Island, too.
Colon Island.
That sounds like an awful place.
No, that's just off of Long Island.
It's called Fire Island.
My colon's on Fire Island.
I left my colon on Fire Island.
It's sung to the tune of I Left My Heart in San Francisco.
I left my colon on fire island.
Oh, yeah, if you're going to San Francisco by Peter Paul Mary.
Another great song.
What do you think of that?
I think it's boring boomer hippie crap.
Fuck.
So I said, we're walking down the street and I said, any particular reason you're reading a book about two people in horrible marriages that are thoroughly enjoying their affair?
And her eyes went kind of like fiery.
And I realized I've only seen her like genuinely really pissed off.
She's mad at the kids when they fuck up and stuff.
But I've only seen that side of her twice in our whole relationship and marriage, which is probably, it goes back to about 2001.
So almost 20 years.
And she said, if there's one thing that pisses me off, it's someone telling me what I can and can't read.
And then I realized, if I go even one millimeter more on this, the night's ruined.
And we're getting a silent Uber home.
So I just dropped it.
And I agree with her.
You know, that's what free speech is.
It's funny that all these lefties are pushing for a world where we're all monitored and taken care of.
And any band who says something unfortunate in an interview, their career is over.
And there was this thing I saw.
A group put out a list.
that's a fake news list and it purports to be a handy dandy way to syphers Cypher?
Siphon?
Siphon?
Meaning through to filter?
Filter through the news.
Siphon through the news.
Why can't I speak English anymore?
What happened?
I don't know.
Siphon?
Yeah.
Through the news.
And it's this, so it's called Pointer Institute, P-O-Y-N-T-R.
And they have 515 outlets that they think are unsafe.
Now, what they do is the trick is they throw in like three very, very lefty sites.
Daily Coast is in there, and then a few onion joke ones.
And then they just bombard all the conservative sites, Breitbart, Daily Caller.
They all have to go.
They're all evil.
And then they pretend it's just a guide, but what it really is, is a push to boycott these sites.
And the whole list of 515 media sites is done by this one assistant professor.
Nelson Pointer?
No, please shut up.
Melissa Zimdars is an assistant professor from Merrimack College.
And this is the caliber of person who's deciding what we can and can't read.
She's the author of academic papers such as Watching Our Weights, The Consequences and Contradictions of Televising Fatness in the quote-unquote obesity epidemic.
So here she is not thinking that being fat is unhealthy.
And here's another one, having it both ways, two and a half men, entourage, and the televising of juvenile post-feminist masculinity.
So that's, she's a radical feminist, basically.
Pro-fat, anti-man.
And she's deciding what you can and can't read.
How did we get here?
And of course, as Breitbart points out, she totally ignores all the times the left have purported fake news.
The Trayvon Martin hoax, the hands-up, don't shoot hoax, the Donald Trump can't win, the Russian collusion hoax, the Brett Kavanaugh serial rapist hoax, which, you know, the Covington High School Boys hoax.
I'm looking at all these, and I think as far as the libs are concerned, these are all still true.
Trayvon Martin was a sweetie going to get some Skittles.
Mike Brown, or whatever his name was, had his hands up, and he was saying, please don't shoot me.
Not reaching for a gun.
Donald Trump didn't win.
He cheated.
He colluded with Russia.
Now they want him thrown in jail for obstruction.
Elizabeth Warren thinks that the investigation went great.
I don't know what planet, what report she read, but she's like, ah, good, we nailed it.
Got him.
Brett Kavanaugh, they still talk about how brave what's her name was, Betsy Ford, with her blonde hair and her kooky glasses.
I kind of actually think she does look really hot.
She's so sloppy.
You said ugh?
Yeah, Christine Blasey Ford.
Yeah, I think that's, this is a good example of a generation gap.
When you get to my age, you're going to be shocked at the kind of things you're attracted to.
You'll still like young girls.
I'm not blind.
Like Ariana Grande, that's getting a little much.
She's looking a little too juvenile.
But you'll still see a 22-year-old who thinks she's hot.
As Steve Coogan points out, your palate expands.
So you still like perfect tits, but you also like droopers.
Blasey, Christine Blasey Ford, there's not one flattering photo.
There is when her glasses are all crumpled around her hair and her hair bangs are sort of going on the inside of her glasses.
She's like a knockoff Helen Hunt.
Yeah.
So she got real pissed.
The only other time I've seen her that pissed is I was bitching about, and I shouldn't have been bitching about this.
It's money in my pocket, basically.
All the money her tribe gets.
And I was saying, what is this white guilt?
Every month everyone gets a check.
And it's not just the casino.
You get all these other fucking checks.
Why?
Because we're so sorry we attacked you.
And that did not go down great.
That do a Mark Norman of that one?
Yeah, that didn't go so great.
It's like she got real pissed.
Ha ha.
She was not having it.
She was pretty pissed.
Pretty, pretty, pretty pissed.
She was pretty, pretty pissed.
That was a good Larry David.
I see.
You shat on my Larry David last time.
No, that was a good one, though.
It sucked last time.
I'm always right.
That's another one.
That one sucked.
Yeah.
Okay.
No, he does have this lilt where he just jumps up in the air.
His voice jumps up in the air sometimes.
Why?
What do you, what do you, what do you, what do you?
Yeah, yeah.
Because he's smiling when he says it, too, at the absurdity of what you believe.
Yeah.
Why, what?
You think everyone's going to show up?
What do you think that?
Yeah, yeah.
I got to watch it again.
But there was a time when I had it really on point.
So she actually explained it to me well.
She said, there was a land deal with the American government, I don't know, 150, 200 years ago.
The Ho-Chunks signed it.
Everything was cool.
And then the government just didn't pay.
So the Ho-Chunks sued the government and got interest for this massive amount of money that they had been denied for decades.
So it's just like being an heir to, say, the Guinness throne.
You know, Daphne Guinness of Guinness Beer.
She gets money.
She didn't discover Guinness Beer.
It's got nothing to do with white guilt.
I was wrong.
She was right.
I think that's a pretty good record, though.
I've been married for, I have no idea how long.
I guess you're supposed to know that, 12 years or something?
And I've only made her want to stab me twice.
Wait, that's not true.
She's probably secretly wanted to stab me a million times and even given me the finger behind my head in the hallway of our home, I bet.
Or got in the car after and just went, fuck yeah, with all the windows shut.
But as far as me making her mad in person and being able to see true, unadulterated rage, there's only been two.
But yeah, okay, let me get to the courtroom.
So I go there.
My buddy fucked up.
I'll explain it later on.
We still have to figure out what's going on, but it's not interesting.
It's just like, can you come to the court and pay off this?
I got it.
Okay.
So I go there and I realize that our court system, for all the corruption we hear about, sometimes it's a little too fair.
It's strange, too, that we have this kangaroo court where people like Kale Hartman have their lives ruined because of rumors.
And those same people go, oh, these cops are being judged, jury, and executioner.
I wish the cops were being judged, jury, and executioner.
Those were a better, that was a better time.
Like, I saw this guy in Grand Central, and he had just been arrested.
There was two black cops holding him and another walking, and he was saying the following.
Harsh language alert.
This is about to get very rough, folks.
The next fucking nigger I see, I swear to God, I'm going to fuck him up.
He raped my wife.
Pause.
The next, this exact same sentences on a loop.
And he's with black cops.
And I was talking to another cop about, well, Keith the cop, I can say, about it.
And he said, if that was 20 years ago, they were just, there's these little rooms on the subway.
All the transit cops got a key to them.
You go, what's that?
A utility closet?
They go into that little room.
It's nothing but a little room.
And they would just tune him up.
And that would be the end of that.
Sounds good to me, dude.
Does he need to go to court and explain?
Was that free speech?
He's just screaming his head off because he's a lunatic.
He said it maybe 50 times on a loop.
This guy isn't expressing himself.
He's a nut bar.
Tune him up.
And then he'll learn.
Oh, I don't yell racial epithets and threats at everyone in Grand Central.
Then there was this black woman that was like, fuck you, you fucking racist.
Fuck you, racist motherfucker.
Screaming back at him.
Lady, he's not a racist per se.
He's a lunatic.
He's basically, I am Groot.
He doesn't know how to speak.
You want to sit down with him, like William F. Buckley and that gay dude?
What's his name?
And have a long debate about race in America?
You're not going to get more than that same phrase on a fucking loop.
But so yeah, so that guy is going to go to court and through the system and blah, blah, blah.
I just thought, can't we just clean these courts and just get a bunch of guys roughed up?
Like there was one dude who was in the court and he was there for making threats and it was, I guess it was on social media.
I guess someone had messed with his sister or was threatening to and he was like, I'll fuck up all of you.
I'll fucking kill you, you fucker.
You go near my fucking sister again, you'll all be fucking dead.
So they want a restraining order on him.
That's just a guy talking shit because he's mad.
I don't think we need to go to court for that.
Then there was this other little Mexican guy and Hispanic guy.
And he was there for masturbating.
He liked this girl in his building and he was masturbating, I think, by her front door and then naked, just went to her front door and started beating off.
And then he had attacked her or pushed himself on her several months ago.
So that guy's sitting in court.
Can't he just get tuned up?
I mean, the court system we have isn't much better.
He got a restraining order, but he's going back to his building.
So she still has this creep who wants to rape her, likely, in her building.
That can't feel very safe.
Why can't the cops beat him within an inch of his life?
And the other crazy part is, I bet a lot of these perps would prefer that.
Just tune me up.
All right, so here's the craziest one.
I was laughing my head off in the courtroom.
I wasn't, you know, you couldn't hear me.
It was one of those quiet laughs.
And one of the court officers, they're not police.
It's a different job.
She saw me and then she started laughing.
Okay, this guy, he was the guy from 600 Pound Life.
See, he also spoke in this quiet.
And I think the guy, Dr. Now from 600 Pound Life.
Oh yeah, Dr. Now has a bit of a cadence now.
Maybe he heard we were making fun of him.
And now he says, So I spoke to the patient and she's going to try to lose the weight.
But if she doesn't lose the weight and she's not serious, then we are not going to do the operation.
So it's up to her.
She either gets serious about her health.
He loves the word health.
It's sort of like my priest at church when he says, Jesus.
He's the only guy who gets to say Jesus.
We all have to say Jesus.
Right?
God.
No, wait, what do we say?
We say Jesus Christ.
What's the emphasis?
Jesus.
It's like black people saying polis.
Yeah, yeah.
Jesus.
I'm just going to go up to him after a sermon and go, you think you're fancy, huh?
Why do you get to say Jesus?
And we all have to say the normal one.
His jaw drops.
He's like, you got it.
You got what it takes.
An alarm pastor.
All these confetti falls down from the church, balloons.
I'm like, yeah, the chosen one.
It's like the Dalai Lama.
Whoever noticeth that I say Jesus weird shall become the grand cardinal.
You know, I was listening to a T.D. Jakes.
You know, T.D. Jakes?
Super black pastor whose head is the size of your body?
Oh, is he the guy in Harlem who thinks that Obama made gays to break up the black family?
I don't know if that's...
I had him on my old show.
Really interesting guy.
Can't be T.D. Jakes.
He's got some pretty crazy theories.
I think he even uses his billboard, like above the church, where they say, next sermon, 4 p.m.
It also says, like, homosexuals made by Obama in a lab.
No, no, no, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no, no.
This is this guy.
Okay, a different guy.
That's not that guy.
But the way he says God is like, and God.
And you're like, fuck.
Guys saying the shit out that word right now.
I remember that.
This is totally off topic, and don't worry.
I won't forget Doctor Now in court.
But uh-oh.
My shitty brain.
Oh, is that what just happened?
Yeah.
Oh, this is the one, by the way.
This is the Obama one.
Atla, the.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Atlas, the church.
Yeah.
Okay, so this is on his billboard.
Billboard for everyone to see.
I have been punched in the head today, by the way.
I think I may have a concussion.
Obama has released the homo demon on the black man.
Look out, black woman.
A white homo may take your man.
That's like next service, 4 p.m.
Now let's just give him the benefit of the doubt for fun.
Is there a fathomable way he could have any kind of grain of sand of a point?
Let's think now.
I love doing these little mind games.
It's like a riddle.
It's like a Rubik's Cube.
Can you go back to the sign?
So Obama's released his homodemy.
So let's just say what he means is Obama has his politics are too gay positive and he's promoting gay marriage and homosexuality is problematic in the black community because they tend to be more libidinous or more importantly, I'm just pulling all this out of my ass, by the way.
This isn't my theory.
Due to prison, there's more gay sex because more blacks are in prison.
So I had a theory a long time ago that one of the reasons there's this don't do the DL shit, which means don't suck a dick secretly.
The reason that's even a thing is because guys suck some dicks in prison.
Whereas that's less common in white culture or any other culture.
So maybe this, what's this pastor's name?
Let me see.
Maybe he's saying that by saying by being too tolerant of homosexuals and gay marriage and everything else, by normalizing homosexuality, he is hurting this pre-existing tendency of homosexuality to foster in the black community and break up families and relationships, etc.
And what about for the white homo may take your man?
Yeah, that's...
I may have to tap out on that part of it.
Well, the other funny part is maybe he's being totally literal.
And Barack Hussein Obama has a cauldron in the basement of the White House where he has sticks and stuff.
And Isu nas for Atu Hole Soteo.
Boil and bubble, toil and trouble.
Release the Homo demon upon us.
I have arrived, Hussein.
Obama Verata Necto.
Goeth, goeth out into my people and make the white Homo taketh the black man.
At your command, great Hussein.
When his big fucking microwave lettuce wings just you see that?
I brought it all back around.
That's called callback.
Okay, so this was amazing.
This guy's in the courtroom, and he tells...
I'm They all have a similar sort of a lazy lack of respect for consonants.
So he's just going...
Yes, so what I want to talk about, I want to enter this exhibit into the piece, A cop has to take a day off, right?
And he's there, black dude with his purple shirt and his red tie.
And he's got his headphones.
And he has the video on, I guess, the MYPD computer of this guy going through a red light, right?
And he shows the judge, And the judge goes, okay, I see that.
And then the defendant.
Mr. Lenoyne, who talks so quiet that a few times the judge had to say, I can't hear you.
What did you just say?
You're very hard to hear.
Oh, what I'm trying to say is that he was, I would like to enter my license plate, my license plate.
And he has a picture of his license plate that he's printed out.
Okay.
And then the judge is looking at the video, and he's looking at this guy's car and his license plate, and he goes, sir, this is your license plate.
Well, I don't understand your point here.
And he goes, no, you see, I go in to South Bronx maybe on Saturdays and Sundays.
On Friday, I'm only there coming home from work.
And this ticket was at 520.
I was driving still in the city.
I wouldn't make it to South Bronx until maybe 6.
Okay.
So you think that this car was there a little bit earlier than you tend to be there.
Okay.
What else, though?
What about the license plate?
Your Honor, I have a newspaper article about people forging license plates.
$120,000 a year are made.
Fake license plates?
Oh, okay.
So it's a fake license plate, but this is your car.
No, I have a 2014 Volvo.
This is the Volvo LeBaron GTS with four in the floor and a souped up Hemi.
He didn't say that, but he was basically saying it's a slightly different Volvo than mine, but the same color.
And the judge goes, all right, so let me get this straight.
Someone forged your exact license plate.
They put it on a card that is the same color as yours and almost the same model.
And they were in a part of New York that you're in, but they were there not quite the same time.
And he goes, yes, that's, can I submit the, and he wants to submit all his research.
And the judge basically goes, no, no, we're not doing that.
I understand your point.
And no, that's not within the realm of legitimate possibility.
And he says, blah, blah, blah, and sends him to the clerk.
You know how much his fine was?
How much?
$50.
Sheesh.
I would have paid it.
And this guy didn't look poor.
I mean, he was driving through the South Bronx, but that was just on the way to get somewhere.
He had a suit on.
And I just, his name was like, he had some like Eastern European name.
And as he was walking by, I stared at him.
I was laughing the whole time.
But when he turned around and walked out, I was staring at him with these fuck you eyes.
Because I, that sounded like fuck me eyes.
I just felt mad on behalf of the people.
You know?
First of all, you're a new immigrant.
So you may want to try to make things go smooth for everyone.
Show some gratitude.
Can you imagine us in Japan?
We just move there.
We get a ticket and it's us and we go, and take the fucking ticket to court for the 50 yen we're being charged?
No.
And I didn't have the courage to do this.
I didn't want to risk some contempt of court charge.
We saw they don't work out well for Tommy Robinson.
But I wanted to say when he walked by, I want to go, thanks for wasting the court's time, you fucking boob.
And you think everybody's going to stand up and applaud?
And they're just like, sir, no, no, no.
There was barely anyone in there.
I don't give a shit about, I don't want a blowjob.
I want him to know that he sucks.
I want him to know that people hate him for like that.
Cop lost a day.
There was all those court clerks.
Everyone was doing all this work.
The whole staff of the court was probably four times the audience.
There's probably like one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
There's like 10 people there.
And that doesn't include all the clerks in the other room that had to prepare all the paperwork.
So he wasted about two hours of maybe 20 people's time.
What's that?
Five grand in order for him to try to get out of 50 bucks for a crime he did commit.
He blew through a fucking stop sign.
It looked kind of fun actually working there.
I don't think I would hate being a court clerk.
At one point, that masturbator I was talking about, in the court documents, I could overhear them talking about his penis.
Apparently, you know, remember Michael Jackson when he was accused of fucking kids?
One of the things that fried him was he, I think he has that weird cow skin problem on his dick.
You know, when it's like there's patches of white?
Impatego, is that what it's called?
Where there's white and black skin?
Impatego.
Let's go to that Mexican place downstairs.
Do you guys have any impotegos?
Hey, what?
What are you saying?
Cow skin color penis.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Yeah.
Yeah, they pull out a little fucking dismembered cock.
It's like a toilet paper roll.
They just say, how long do you want?
Be careful.
Be careful.
This is illegal.
This is illegal.
Anyway, so I think she, in her charge, I think she mentioned his penis.
And she said, I don't know if she said this.
I just know that I could overhear the judge talking about Peyroni's disease, which I had.
That's where it's all crooked, right?
What do you mean?
My dick's not crooked anymore.
Are you implying that you've seen my penis and you think it's crooked?
the world is seeing your penis, and no, we're not applying that, we're just, That's Peironi's?
Yeah, it comes from King Henry VIII's doctor.
And his name was Peironi, and Henry VIII started to get a kink in it.
And what happens is calcium develops on your dick.
And like, the way I explain to people, take a deflated clown balloon, right?
And then put a little piece of cellotape on it, right?
Now inflate the balloon.
It's going to go around the cellotape.
Look at this little guy.
Oh my God, that's a really bad one.
No, I only had a minor dent.
It looked like someone reversed in the parking lot at Loblaw's and hit my cock with their bumper.
That's how big it is, by the way.
And what I did is I went into see this urologist and he injected Xiaoflex, which is basically gangrene.
He injected Xiaoflex into the calcium deposit and broke it down, and now my dick's normal.
Holy shit, not that your wife gives a shit if you develop a kink in your dink.
Woman, once you're married for 12 years, I could honestly put on 100 pounds.
I could grow a beard to the ground and have red dreads.
I could become a juggalo.
I could have a tattoo on my neck that says off the hatchet or whatever they say.
I could become a juggalo.
I could go to juggal fest.
Do you want to do that?
No.
Why don't we do that?
No.
Why don't you have me go there to jug fest or whatever the fuck?
Yeah, that's a good idea.
And I'll dress up like a jug.
It's kind of been done.
I mean, I think how we stern win there.
Yeah, you could feed me things to say to him, and I'll get beat up.
Sounds great.
Anyway.
Now I forgot what I was talking about.
Peyroni's disease.
Oh, yeah, Peyroni's disease.
So the woman or the courts, when they were making sure they had the right guy, they had described the penis and the angle on it and that it's 30 degrees.
You know what's a trip about Peyroni's?
I think I got it when I had an ad agency.
We were courting Red Bull.
And Red Bull, everything they do has to involve competition.
So I said, instead of sports, what about a comedy night?
It's like a roast battle, and there's the winners, and it's Red Bull comedy.
And I worked on this for months and months, and that meant asslicking everyone at Red Bull and going to their events, and there's going, going snowboarding with them several times.
And the only way I could tolerate that, I'm not a sales guy.
My sales guy's a sales guy, but there was just two of us.
We just started the company back then.
They needed me.
So the only way I can do that is to drink insane amounts of booze and do Adderall.
So I was basically blackout drunk and getting really, really wasted to get this, to tolerate schmoozing.
And one weekend, I just came home and boom, there's a kink in my dink.
And if you look it up, one of the first things it says is it comes from sex, like you break your dick, like you're doing some crazy porn move or you're holding her up and then she falls and you break your dick.
And so when I told my wife, I thought she's going to think I'm cheating.
And she didn't.
She took my story, which was the truth, as the truth.
And it's not that bad.
And I'll tell you what, though, if you get a really bad kink, like apparently this Mexican man who likes to beat off the girls, likes to Louis C.K. them, and you're single and 20, my heart goes out to you, dude.
Holy shit, that must suck.
Because, you know, you're courting and you're usually in a little scene.
So if you do something terrible, all her friends are going to hear about it.
That's why I've always said eating a pussy is like leaving a business card inside a woman's vagina.
She's going to tell all her friends.
You better hit it out of the park.
See, this is what happens when things are too cheap.
I'm looking up Juggalo stuff, and the fucking Big Bala pass is like $180 for like the whole weekend.
That's why things like Coachella and stuff are like $1,000 for fuck.
Because people will sell out.
It'll sell out.
Remember that one guy after the huge hurricane?
They were talking about why the prices of water need to be spiked up.
It needs to be.
Otherwise, people will go in there and they will just buy all of the water.
But if it's $50 a fucking pack, you're going to be like, well, I don't need more than two.
Yeah.
You know?
That reminds me.
We should get to the mailbag, but that reminds me of I have some boxing tips.
Yeah.
I'm learning a lot about the sport, and if you want to get into it, you're going to find that it's fucking brutal and exhausting.
And I would like to share with you some tips to make your workout a lot smoother and a lot easier.
You ready?
I'm going to start with the best one.
It's called The Sweet Science, and trainers are in love with the sport.
I never met anyone involved in boxing who couldn't wait for a paycheck, but that's, I guess, because I'm low on the scale.
I've never really met managers and guys who promote fights and stuff.
But it's one of those sports that everyone just fucking loves it.
And during break time, they're talking about this fight and that fight.
And some guy just went 100 rounds training for this next big fight, that kind of stuff.
It's like motorcycles, you know, people just love them.
So what you do is, if you're sparring or you're doing pads, oh wait, if you're just doing pads alone with the trainer, ask him a question right when you're about to faint from exhaustion.
Ask him a question.
A good question is, so what about the left hook?
Should the hand be parallel to the ground?
So thy fist is like that?
Or should it be parallel to me?
Where I'm sort of pulling it into myself, almost like a monkey who's banging his chest?
Should I pull it into me or make sure it's flat and parallel to the ground?
That usually gets like a 20-second answer where you can sit there panting your guts out waiting.
So basically any question about boxing.
Hey, my uppercut, sometimes my wrists hurt.
What you got to do, you got to keep it.
And then they'll talk and talk and talk, sometimes till the end of the round.
Another good trick for sparring, don't put on your headgear very well.
And after a few punches, it'll go flying off.
And then they'll go, time, time.
And you'll have to go over it.
That'll buy you a whole round of them getting it back on, especially if you've got a weird sort of like buckle on the bottom.
Same goes with gloves.
Put on your gloves wrong.
Don't you got to pretend you're bummed out?
You're like, oh, man, come on.
Sorry, coach.
It just slipped.
Let's just keep going.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
We got to place this.
If you have the ones with laces, sort of bunch up the laces and don't tie them.
Bunch them up and tuck them into your glove.
And about halfway through the round, they'll start falling out.
And then time, time.
What?
What?
Oh, are you kidding?
First, my headgear, now My gloves.
This is like the worst fight ever.
Anyway, I can't wait to get back in the ring in an hour.
And another one is: if they're really torturing you and you have to do push-ups in between rounds, you pretend you're looking for a good spot where you're not in anyone's way.
That buys you some time.
And then finally, they're getting less funny and less interesting.
Sad.
But questions are always good.
Or if they're making you run up and down stairs, really give her, right, at the part of the stairs where the coach can see you.
But then when you're up two flights, just fucking have a seat, dude.
So these aren't boxing tips as much as they are not boxing tips.
These are noxing tips.
Noxing.
That is the stupidest joke I've ever heard.
Oh, good.
That is a really handy sound effect that doesn't kill the flow of the show at all.
All right.
Do you want to play the song or is that going to take you like an hour to find?
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
Hey, Gavin.
I'm living with my profoundly liberal aunt and uncle in D.C. for the summer while I'm on break from college.
I hope you're employed, sir.
These students, I don't get how they go, I don't know.
I have $300,000 worth of college debt.
And I just took speech pathology.
What did you do in the summer?
Oh, I went to Italy.
It was really fun.
I worked as a janitor in my university.
Now, Canada's like Britain.
It's really cheap.
It was like three grand a year.
But I never had any debt because my janitor's salary would pay for that.
But I'd be up at 4.30 in the morning, taking the bus in the dark to go to school.
That was fun.
I just got a flood of memories from that job.
There was this severely retarded guy named Ron.
And I think what they do is there's some program to assimilate these severely handicapped.
And so they would just put them in jobs like janitor.
What the f- He can't do that.
He's crazy.
Maybe his name was Roy.
He would wear, he had glasses that were like Coke bottles.
So every blink looked like someone was turning the moon on and off.
He wore a buttoned-up shirt, like a golf shirt, but buttoned right up to the neck, you know, the way the special people do.
And he had a gray suit that looked like shit and like loafers.
And he carried a briefcase everywhere.
So at first glance, he looks like a math nerd genius.
But if you were to open up his briefcase, you would find an apple, a banana, and some sheetwork on ABCs.
So it was the thing, you know, where there's an A, a B, and a C, and then the dotted line ABC that you have to trace.
So his big fear was vacuum cleaners, which is not great as a janitor when a third of your job is vacuuming.
We would go into these carpeted bars on campus, and part of it was vacuuming.
And we had this guy, Jeff, who this story isn't very nice, but he would go, hey, Roy, I got the vacuum cleaner going.
And Roy would go, no, thank you, no, thank you.
And he'd go to the other end of the room, and then Roy would go, come on, Roy, you need to set up.
And he'd go, Jesus, here we go.
Oh, shit, oh, shit.
Sorry, bad word.
And Jeff would make him vacuum with two vacuum cleaners at the same time.
Because they're super loud.
They're from the 70s.
So they're like, and he's pushing these two industrial vacuum cleaners going, oh boy, here we go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Shitting his pants.
Yeah, that story in retrospect is terrible.
We were bullying a handicapped man.
Yep.
That's horrible.
I was not a good person.
I was fucking 18, by the way.
18.
You know what's funny too about that job?
The guy hated us because we were kind of lazy.
And in Canada, when you're not working hard, you're called a dog fucker.
So we were fucking the dog a lot.
And he thought, I'm going to hire some fucking immigrant blacks to work here.
And then I'll get some work done.
These fucking rich white kids suck.
So he went through the school applications.
And every time he saw an African-sounding name, he hired them.
Guess why that's stupid?
Because you can't pronounce their names when you tell them what to do?
Great guess, Ryan.
No, because if you are coming here from Africa and you're going to a North American university, you're paying $50,000, which I know doesn't sound a lot to Americans, but it's more than 10 times what anyone else pays.
So I think the equivalent here in America, like NYU, is probably $120,000 a year for foreign students because society goes, you're coming in here, getting our awesome knowledge, and then leaving.
So they're all eccentric millionaires.
So the staff, the year after he fired us all, were all these black aristocrats with ascots going, hello, hello.
I understand you want me to vacuum.
Isn't that ridiculous?
Are you being serious?
And no work was done.
Yeah.
That was funny.
All right, back to this letter.
They love talking shit about Trump and conservatives, but they're pretty cool.
They're not too politically correct from what I can tell.
Do you have any advice for how I can tactfully fuck with them about being annoying liberals while still living at their house for the summer so they don't kick me out?
Also, any recommendation to do on shit while I'm in D.C.?
If you're in D.C., you have to go to Kelly's Irish Times, greatest bar in the world.
But yeah, the way you suck in liberals is with libertarianism and classical liberals.
So what you do is you spoon feed them Dave Rubin and Jordan Peterson and even New York libertarian comedian Dave Smith.
Just lubricate them with that.
Just put the tip in with that.
And then eventually they could get to some paleocons like Pat Buchanan or Tucker Carlson.
But that's way down the line.
I got someone to, David Cross, I got him to see the problem with immigration in America.
It took me a year and a half of arguing.
So the second part of this response is, is it worth it?
I'm sure he's back now to hating the wall and hating Trump and stuff.
But the way I got him, and I'm not saying I brainwashed him, the way I got him was I just kept saying, dude, it only benefits rich whites in both countries.
That's who benefits from open borders.
Poor blacks in California suffer.
The poor families in Mexico, they suffer too.
They lose their fathers for eight years at a time.
And just having money sent down, that's not a culture.
That's one little shack with a sub-zero fridge and the neighbors not having a sub-zero fridge.
It's just a sad charity.
It's like the Dominican Republic where all the Dominicans in New York sending out their food stamps there so Dominicans can run a bodega on the free food they got from the East Village.
It's not an economy.
So you're promoting a system that all rich white men love.
Vincente Fox, all the Mexican elites, and all the New York, L.A. elites.
And the poor are just slaves.
That worked for a time.
But is it worth converting people?
Like, I'll never convert my wife on abortion.
I'll never get her into Trump's arms.
She's watched Tucker a few times and says he's smart.
But I don't know.
I don't see the incentive.
But if you're doing it just to fuck with them.
You know what?
Did you ever see somebody who's liberal that's a friend of yours?
And then they now you see them somebody talking shit about Trump and they're like, well, and they kind of like they start defending.
They kind of sound like you when you leave them alone.
Yeah, I think the only person that you should red-pill is young men.
And I think those are young men who would have naturally been red-pilled anyway.
You're just saving them time.
And all you have to do to those guys is say, you don't suck.
You're not a loser.
Masculinity is not toxic.
And you are not a rapist.
And if you're a white guy, you're not responsible for slavery.
And if you're a black guy, you're not living in a horrible, racist country.
Just save them time.
You're not brainwashing anyone.
You're just helping them unravel a few stupid myths that were really inconveniencing them.
And I think that's why whenever I go out, I'm always, every time I'm recognized, it's by some, usually a 20-year-old male.
Because I'm the first guy, and they saw me on YouTube saying, no, you shouldn't be apologizing.
You didn't do anything wrong.
In fact, you should be pretty proud of what the West has done.
My friend TJ, last year, his posts on Facebook were so AIDS and liberal.
And then now I just like every one of them.
He's totally ridiculous.
And what brought him over?
Me and Dexter, my friend just talking about it.
Like, we were having long conversations.
And he realized all he had to offer before was bitter.
Like, yeah, but don't you think the system, like, just TJ, just shut up.
Yeah, you know, I'm actually remembering, because I don't hang out with liberals anymore since the accident.
Since Trump.
Yeah.
But I'm remembering now.
Paul Joseph Watson is really good.
And then, have you, this, The Intercept did a thing on the future Alexandria Cortez.
It's called A Message from the Future with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
But there was a takedown of it.
Oh, yeah, the one that we watched the other day?
And it was so fucking good.
So those are always helpful.
Yeah.
But yeah, why bother?
I mean, another thing I used to do to them too is just quiz them.
Like, what's the debt?
What's the population?
Who's the speaker of the house?
Just basic questions like that.
And then when they don't know, you don't go, haha, you're dumb.
You go, all right, so you're, I don't have a problem with this.
I don't know anything about lacrosse, but I don't talk about lacrosse all the time.
Exactly.
All right, last letter.
Oh, man.
Oh, it had like nine.
Well, we've been talking for a long-ass motherfucking time, yo.
Shit, though.
We're at 56 minutes.
Oh, okay.
We've still got time then.
I guess I got to do Bet DSI.
I picked really short ones, too.
Good.
Okay.
Can you do Bet DSI now?
No.
Okay.
We'll end with that.
Gavin, on your last podcast, you talked about how the father of a boy...
The father of a boy who isn't good at baseball is a terrible person.
You are 100% correct saying this.
I was always the worst on the team because I was the only one with a dad that didn't play catch with his son.
Later on in life, I was dating a single mom, and I was surprised to see her playing catch with her son.
She told me, of course I'm going to play catch with him.
I don't want to go out there and get creamed.
This seems to be a universal truth.
People have forgotten.
If kids suck, it's because the parents do.
I think people used to know this before Ronald Reagan destroyed the family.
I don't understand that.
And ultimately the social fabric of this country through no-fault divorce.
Oh.
Now they just blame it on made-up psychiatric conditions at Big Farm of Profits fund.
I will say, by the way, and that's from Mike.
I will say, if your kids, there's a lot of kids that suck at baseball that would be great at football.
I think your job, just to be clear here, folks, Ryan Katsu Rivera drinks pinkety drinkety, which he learned about from a makeup artist named Joseph Charles, who is a raging homosexual.
James Charles.
James Charles, and it's his favorite drink.
He goes to what he calls Star Bee's, gets a pinkity drinkety, and he just got up because he's almost done his pinkity drinketty and he can't say goodbye to it.
So he just filled an almost empty one with water.
So now he has a watered-down pinkity drinkety to make it last.
And it's got little straw bow bows in it.
This is his voice.
One teaspoon of baking soda.
That smells strong.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
Baking soda smells strong.
Do you have AIDS already?
Oh, my God.
Wait, wait, why are you talking?
You're the one who follows him and learns about pinkity drinketies from him.
No, no, no, no, no.
I was imparted all of this knowledge.
No, no, no.
You took it in.
Yeah.
You could lock me in a room and make me stare at him and not one thing would go in.
I don't give a fuck about gorillas, but Coco the Gorilla is worth mentioning and remembering.
He's a Coco the Gorilla of the Gaze.
Try to find me that Alexandria Okezio-Cortez thing.
Okay.
You're just going to find the original.
Maybe if you go Alexandria Cortez future and then look at that on YouTube because Intercept embedded it.
Anyway, but I would say, as a father, it's your job to just keep throwing shit at the wall and see what sticks.
So you try them out at baseball, and then, like my daughter, I tried her out at softball.
She was miserable.
She hated going there.
She wouldn't be paying attention in the field.
And I went, all right, quit.
It's like Louis C.K. says, when his kids tell him they hate doing this thing, he goes, good.
I don't like driving here.
Let's quit together.
But he went to baseball and it was just pickup games in the burbs.
And he just fucking loved it and kept wanting to go and kept reading about baseball.
And I was like, well, my job's done here.
I'll make sure I'm at every game, of course, and I'll play catch with them.
But he stuck there.
Now, if he sucked at baseball, I would give up on that particular sport and then go to hockey, then go to football, then do lacrosse, maybe even track and field.
My cousin's kid runs like seven miles a day track and field.
That's his thing.
And I'll just keep trying with my daughter.
Maybe she's not a sports person, though.
You know, there's a balance, though, because you go, I don't want to teach the kid just to give up on stuff.
But I think there has to be an inclination.
There has to be some sort of genetic disposition.
Like with guitar, I tried it many times and the Lord clearly does not want me to play that thing.
With boxing, I suck, but at least I know that I'm 100 times better than I was last year.
So I see progress.
It's still not even in the same universe as anyone who takes it seriously, but with guitar, there was nothing.
I could teach you how to play guitar.
No, dude.
I don't even...
I bet you a $100 over a month-long period you can play Free Fallen and Labamba.
Once again, your excellent taste in music rears its ugly head.
All right, do you have one?
Yes, I do.
This one's short and sweet.
Point your toes.
Hey, Gavin, I recently had a chance to use the point your toes advice in a relevant situation.
My three-year-old son, in a typical three-year-old fashion, couldn't figure out how to stand the corner.
I told him, point your toes at the corner.
Worked like a charm.
It's also worked for my apprentice, I'm a journeyman lineman, to help him climb poles smoother.
How would that possibly help?
I think it's just that he just got him.
And now he thinks that that's the proper way to climb a ladder by packs.
Andrew.
So now this guy's like, oh, cool, thanks.
Wait, I don't understand.
How do you walk up?
I'd love to see a journeyman walking up a ladder with pointed toes.
It takes so much longer than a bull leg.
Yeah.
This is the greatest trick ever.
Okay, I got one from Mark Ravis.
I'm a 21-year-old who has grown up on Marvel movies, but I remain sane enough not to look at those movies for comfort in dealing with real-world problems.
Dude, that's not good enough.
Don't watch superhero movies if you're an adult.
You shouldn't watch Dora the Explorer.
I mean, maybe Game of Thrones, I guess.
I don't watch that shit.
Targaryen, Rastafarian.
I think grown men wearing superhero t-shirts have some sort of mental illness.
That's him talking.
I'm agreeing.
Nonetheless, I went to see Avengers Endgame this weekend and enjoyed it very much.
Ryan, of course, goes to all these things.
He also goes to little kiddie movies like Toy Story.
I don't know where you're basing that from, but that's true.
I'm basing it on the fact that it's true.
That was until I clicked through some Snapchat stories and found the following headlines pictured below.
Pornhub saw an April spike in Avengers-related searches to the tune of 2,912%.
Even worse, 48% of 250,000 people who took a poll sharing what their thoughts on the data responded with, it's fine if that's your thing.
That's a big thing with millennials, young people in general.
I don't know, that's fine.
Hi, I identify as a four-year-old.
Okay, as long as you're not hurting anybody.
I identify as a black man.
I'm a black man and I'd like reparations.
Well, I don't know.
As long as you're not hurting anybody, fuck you.
If you have flip-flops on, tell people.
We have to get less tolerant.
Talking about being comfy all the time.
Remember that guy on the subway when we're leaving Anthony's?
He's looking out.
He's got his fucking roller bag, like his little tiny thing.
It can't weigh more than 10 pounds.
Got that luggage with the wheels, right?
So he's just probably come in from Penn Station or something.
And he's got on a soft sweatshirt.
It's not even, like within the category of sweatshirt, it's still fluffy and soft and so thin.
It's like almost, it's 1% thicker than t-shirt material, and it's a fucking sweatshirt.
Then it gets worse.
He has on his sweats.
And it's, again, like when Rocky wore sweats, they were the thick champion sweats, and he was wearing them to work out.
That wasn't bad.
No one has a problem with that if you're working out.
But like these thin, fluffy little thin sweats with the thin sweatpants that you can see where his keys and his wallet are because they're pulling down the pants.
So he has to do the drawstring tighter.
Are you wearing sweatpants right now?
Yeah, these rock, though.
These are aeropostel.
These are numb.
Yeah, they rock.
These are not fucking random.
My sweatpants rock.
What's going on?
Hi, I'm Lemmy from Motorhead, and this is me on stage wearing Aeropostale sweatpants.
This song is called Ace of Spades.
I didn't say that these were rock and roll.
They're awesome.
Well, believe it or not, saying something rocks is linked to rock and roll.
Well, these rule.
Yeah.
They rule planet fag.
They don't rule planet fag.
They don't have any ties to planet fag.
By the way, that's how men use the word fag.
And I don't think it's derogatory or not.
That's how fags use the word fag.
Anyway, yeah, and then he also had on those stupid little sockettes, those mini socks that just go to his ankle, And they were black and fluffy.
And then, of course, the ubiquitous shower shoes.
So he's dressed the way you would dress if you were under house arrest.
And he's in the biggest city in America with a hustle and a bustle, as Linton Quasy Johnson would say.
Anyway, Gavin, this country, specifically our young men, need to embrace your team no wanks message or we are fucked.
Worse than the Avengers were when Thanos got all six stones.
Oh, thanks for ruining the stupid kids movie.
No, no, no, he didn't get either.
And then he sent me all these pictures of like tons of Avengers porn.
It's not actually Avengers' porn, but it's the study that he's talking about with this 45% and 25% and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
That's like you don't mind my weird addiction where like, I eat glass.
Are you going to tell that person, ah, if it doesn't hurt anybody?
No, it does, though.
That guy's eating glass.
Don't eat glass.
Hey, you.
Don't eat glass.
That's why I love Larry David so much, is that he says, hey, pig parker.
What are you parking there for?
No one else can park here.
That's why I'm mad at myself for not saying to that guy who wasted the court's time, way to waste the court's time.
That's all I had to say.
That's not contempt of court.
No.
And if I didn't say, fuck you, but he's obviously the kind of guy who loves to tangle up the courts.
What if he said, like, I've just been harassed?
Yeah, not being able to tell people, yeah, stop dressing like a pampered kid.
It's all dysfunction in community.
You should be able to tell people, stop that.
That's why I always say the best place to be a kid to grow up was 1950s, Brooklyn.
It's now called Red Hook.
It was before Robert Moses built the BQE down there.
And it was all old Italians, a lot of mob, a lot of Irish.
And the kids just ran out the front door the first thing in the morning, were gone all day.
And if some lady saw a kid pulling a girl's pigtails, she'd cuff him upside the head.
Hell's Kitchen 2, exact same thing.
And it was real community.
And people just, everyone just handled stuff.
They didn't like call the police every 10 seconds and they didn't sue.
They just, everyone handled everyone else's business.
I mean, everyone helped each other is what I'm saying.
That's what it was like for me and the Bronx growing up.
I was like, we were like everybody's kids.
Oh, yeah.
You had that whole big playground, right?
And what's it called?
Circuit City?
A co-op city?
Co-op City.
Yeah, you would just run around Co-op City.
It's a relatively safe city.
And then, yeah, and you were like the city's kids.
They'd be like, hey, not too fast.
Like, people would say shit to you.
And you wouldn't have cell phones way before the internet.
Not way before, but before the internet.
One time I was at a hotel.
I think it was, we had a power outage or something, and we got sick of the generator.
And we went to a hotel for a few days.
And I heard these kids running up and down the hallway, racing each other and laughing their heads off.
This is about 10 o'clock, 10.30 at night, when my youngest has to be asleep.
I just hear, hee, hehehehe, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, as they sprint and have races.
And I let it go maybe three or four times.
And then I open the door and I go, what the fuck is going on?
And I scared the shit out of these two kids there, maybe eight and nine.
And one of them had a bra on.
No.
And I said, take off that fucking bra.
You look ridiculous.
What if it was a chick?
Let me see those eight-year-old titties.
And he sheepishly takes it off.
And then I go, we got kids trying to sleep in here.
You having races?
And I lean over to their hotel room, which is open.
And the mom's standing there, gob smacked.
And the dad is unpacking.
So I had to discipline their kids.
And the dad didn't even say anything like, hey, take it easy, tough guy.
Yeah, that's because he's beaten down.
He can't beat.
He's not visiting them.
Thanks for telling my son to stop dressing in drag and racing.
I can't father any longer.
I bet you that guy is going to turn out to have real daddy issues.
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And I've been betting on the Mets, and I'll tell you what, it is a wild ride.
They're having a really weird year.
It's not what it usually is, which is win, win, win, win, win, and then be just lose.
We're doing okay for injuries.
The Yankees are fucking all in the hospital.
I don't recognize anyone I see when the Yankees come out.
And our guys are doing great.
We obviously don't have sespidis, but we still got DeGrom.
We still got Syndergaard.
Tofra's hitting them.
I'm pretty happy.
And when we get slaughtered, though, it's like a 10-0 beheading.
But even with the Brewers, who might be one of the best team in baseball right now, and I'm not basing that on stats.
That's just my vibe.
But we beat the Brewers once after they slaughtered us and then kind of beat us.
So I think it's a fun team to bet on, the Mets.
It's a great team to watch, too.
Although, we are a shitty team.
That's like my son says.
His school is all Yankees fans.
And they go, he wears Mets stuff every day and they go, Mets suck.
And he goes, yeah, you're not wrong.
Like, what are you going to do?
Argue?
When some old man came up to me at a restaurant and I was wearing a Mets hat and he goes, you're never going to see a World Series in your lifetime.
And I just laughed because he's right, probably.
And then I thought later, was that fucking old man, this guy was like 65, was he trying to pick a fight with me?
Maybe.
What should I have said?
Yeah, fuck you.
We'll see about that, old.
I'd be like, you won't.
Because you're going to die next week, you old fuck.
Yeah, there's a million things you can say.
Or I think if he was definitely being aggressive and wasn't joking around.
I think the appropriate thing to say to an old man like that is just, shut your face, old man.
You know, like a dismissive poo-poo.
You're not going to put up your dukes and kill him.
Right.
Why is your dad in prison?
He punched a guy for insulting the Mets.
All right.
That's it.
Let's wrap it up.
We got a lot of shit to do.
I'm actually fucking nervous.
I'm not looking forward to fighting Copper Cab in case he's got some good, gets one good hit and knocks me out and I have a concussion.
And I'm worried about this launch.
We have a ton of shit to do, dude.
And you're half Puerto Rican.
So you need to tap into that Asian half, take some Adderalls and put on a diaper.
Because we have, I don't want people to go on this site and it's like, one show.
It has to launch with a lot of stuff.
Yes.
T-shirts have to be available.
Everything has to work in Australia.
Ideally, it's done today and we're testing it for a month.
Right.
Well, I lined up meetings with our tech guy.
Yeah.
No, no, really?
I hate meetings.
No, not a meeting.
I mean, we're going to test shit out.
Oh, we're going to get it.
We're going to get an upload.
We're going to get an upload, King.
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