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March 28, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:21:52
#125 | I like to give advice that doesn't make sense

So, some shithole country calling itself Brunei has decided gays need to be stuffed in a hole and beaten with large rocks until they die but what is “gay”? This prompts a lot of name-dropping as well as a discussion about jail, the SPLC, Jussie Smollet, trauma strains, Tina Tchen, black comedy, Kim Foxx, Costa Rica, and Sarah Silverman’s racist past.

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I like to give advice that doesn't make sense as a joke.
Like today at the gym I was telling one of the boxers who is much better than me, which is all of them, Hey, you gotta point your toes.
Pointing telling people to point their toes is a good one.
Because they think about it for a second, because it sounds good.
And I'm sure it's true when ladies are taking selfies in their bedroom.
And I'm sure it's true in ballet.
But it's not true in boxing.
And it's definitely not true in baseball.
My son went out to his first practice last week.
And they had three coaches.
They're really into baseball in this town.
And I go, all right, guys, come on.
When you're throwing the ball, let's try to point those toes.
And you can see their brains try to figure out how one would point one's toes.
I actually thought it'd be a good idea to get a baseball coach into the gym.
And he could talk about a punch.
Like when you throw a pitch, you're supposed to show the ball to the back of the stadium kind of a thing.
And then you launch it forward.
And the mentality there is to try to encourage kids to get their arm way back before they throw a ball because a lot of them kind of push the ball.
Now, that's not good advice to a boxer because you're clearly very open when you reach your arm back way behind your head.
But I'd like to tell them to do that.
It's also telling the kids they got to dip, which is a boxing thing, right?
You got to bend your knees and stuff.
So I'm telling kids when you throw, you want to dip as the ball goes out.
Dip, dip the ball.
And some of them were believing it.
Even some of the dads who didn't know me well, out of the coaches, I could see them sort of going, I don't, okay.
I guess you should point your toes if you're jumping.
What?
And then one of the other dads go, this guy's from Scotland.
He doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.
He's never played a game of baseball in his life.
It's also fun to discipline people's kids.
That's one of my favorite things ever.
It really is the best where you go, hey, hey, Sandy, no, get that out of your mouth now.
We're not having candy this close to dinner.
No, no, no, no, no.
No snacking.
And they get totally freaked out because no one's ever done that before.
And I noticed the parents sort of go, wait a minute, is this a joke or is the guy genuinely telling my kid what to do?
Because fuck you if you are.
Sometimes they let you and they go, go ahead, I don't care.
And then that's really fun because you go, guys, guys, guys, what are we doing here?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, TV.
And you turn off the TV at someone else's house when someone else's kids are watching.
That was a funny thing about Kale, by the way.
I'm so glad that those feminists banished him from the comedy world.
We don't get to, we're not subject to his horrible jokes.
But one of the things we're all safe from is he was staying at my house for a while and there's all these people doing roof work.
And he stops on the road and looks up at them.
And he says to the construction workers, mostly illegal aliens, he goes, guys, guys, guys, what the fuck do you think you're doing?
And they sort of look down at him.
He goes, you know how dangerous that is?
Get down now.
Get down from there.
Absolutely not.
No way, Jose.
All of you down now.
And they think he's maybe some sort of local architect who has decided perpetrating a zoning law?
Uh-oh, I think it might not be funny today.
That's bad.
Does he mess up the word perpetrating?
Well, I'm just sort of feeling it.
I know I have funny concepts, but if there's no delivery, then you got to shoot the messenger and the message is dead.
You know, I heard something today.
It's some people say funny things, but funny people say things funny.
Ooh.
It was a Mitch Hedberg documentary.
And when funny people hear something funny, like I hung out with Kristen Shawl a few times, who's obviously very funny, although I bet her politics are fucking exhausting.
She would always go, yeah, that's very funny.
That is very funny.
But not laughing.
Well, maybe I was disarmed by you not laughing.
You don't think that's the funniest thing in the world to tell construction workers to get down?
I might have heard that one before.
Oh.
It was an old case of the old, that, what was it called?
That load's been blown already.
Yeah.
That's true.
I have mentioned that story before.
But I am smiling, going, oh, yeah, I can't wait for other people to hear this.
Well, my neighbors are having their roof redone.
That's no excuse.
And it's all Irish guys are doing the sort of main work, and then the legals are doing the sort of the menial tasks.
The illegal work.
But I like saying the Irish guys, let's cut the shit.
It's not so hard, is it?
You get up there, you move some bits of roof, you go down, meh.
Because it's fucking hard, and it looks so scary.
Roofing is one of the roughest jobs there is.
But roofing a slate roof, when you're five stories up, I would be pooping in my panties.
I think I'm getting more scared of heights as I get older.
I mentioned that before, right?
More scared of it.
No, I don't think I heard that.
We were at this water theme park in Orlando on vacation.
What the fuck was it called?
Volcano Bay or something?
And there's this one insane slide, the one where my youngest son was going, why?
Why?
Why must I live?
Because I told him to yell, and that was what he said.
That's the dialogue he chose.
That's pretty deep and existential for a.
Yeah, it is pretty existential.
Existential.
Existential.
Oh, what were we working on the other day?
Tony Soprano.
British Soprano.
British Tony Soprano.
It's a very difficult situation.
What you don't mark about is a very difficult situation.
Hey, this fucker bloke went up to my fucking friend.
Wait, you're just doing Tony Soprano, but with British words.
This bloke, his name is Bailey, right?
He went up to me bar.
After the pot, you know?
Do British Jake Tapper.
John Taffer.
John Taffer.
See, that's impossible.
First, I think you got to say, like, hello, what you doing?
Don't muck about.
All right, we've got the British guy.
And then there's the John Taffer.
Shut it down.
You're going to get salmonella.
You know how old these pipes are?
They're over 15 years old.
That's going to give somebody salmonella.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
No, British.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
It's just not possible.
Like, my mouth has to.
You know why?
My mouth is too busy doing Taffer, so it can't do British.
Our father's generation was inventing computers, coming up with sonars, and just at home, they would fix the car or they'd build something.
I know where you're going with this.
Piece of pie compared to what I'm doing.
Piece of pie.
Like my buddy Trace was telling me, he grew up in Houston where you couldn't really go out parts of the summer because it was 1 billion degrees.
So he wanted to practice baseball.
So one way to practice baseball inside the house is to whip ping pong balls.
You can whip them as hard as you can.
You can hit them like sespidus and they'll go 10 feet.
So go to the basement, you can whip tennis balls.
I mean, ping pong balls.
His dad, using PVC pipe, created this system with four different cannons combined with fans on them where you drop the ping pong balls in the top and boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
These four nerf cannons shoot out ping pong balls and with switches, you can control the speed of the fans.
That's just the dad tooling around on a Thursday.
That's some white people shit.
You know how black comics say that about skydiving?
Yeah.
That's also some white people shit is creating a fucking cannon that solves a very specific problem.
What if a black comedian was doing jokes like that and it was all corny stuff and then he accidentally drifted into super awesome amazing shit?
Like fucking finding the surface area of 3x plus y cube spot about the z-axis.
That's some white people shit right there.
Coming up like you got this white dude who has got some penicillin and he just lays around in a Petri dish and the next thing you know the motherfuckers invented antibiotics.
That's some white shit right there.
First it's like yeah versus how they eat cereal.
White people be eating cereal like this.
I know y'all know it.
Yeah, it starts with 10 of those.
And then you're like, motherfuckers, white people sitting in a lab sequencing the genome in like seven days instead of seven weeks.
Carbon dating.
Motherfuckers, biochemistry and shit.
Coming up with ways to cure cancer and shit.
Even the cancerous genes that can morph theyselves.
That also would be good as a guy in biochemistry who never lost his ghetto edge.
Oh, that's great.
These motherfuckers, I'm trying, you know, that lung cancer nigga.
He's got that.
What we call that bitch?
This is what I'm screaming, right?
Right, boss.
So on some subatomic shit.
You call it lung cancer, but you can get, that's C12, right?
You can get C12 in your fucking hip bone.
So we got to stop calling this shit lung cancer.
Yes, 90% of the C12 is in the lungs, but you got motherfuckers with lung cancer in their legs.
They got tumors in their stomachs.
That's something that a biochemist once told me, by the way.
I'm just saying it in Black Way.
Yes.
He was saying we should stop calling it breast cancer and lung cancer just because that's where it often is.
Hmm.
I guess, but he basically was saying you get lung cancer in your eyeballs.
That's a bummer.
That's the name of my first solo record.
It's a country record.
Lung cancer in my eyeballs.
What was that about?
Oh, it was a British giant that came from the British.
No.
No.
Oh, yeah.
So that concept, right, of being a black comedian who starts out with white people walk like this, and then eventually he ends up talking about sequencing the genome.
That's fucking a brilliant piece of comedy.
Yeah.
That'd be cool.
Especially if you did it in...
Like you had prosthetics stretch.
And you never told anyone.
People just say there was this weird black comedian.
Something about him was unsettling.
I can't quite put my finger on it.
And meanwhile, the put your finger on it is that he had a prosthetic nose and a wig.
And you know how they can really do it?
Like the way they made the Wayan brothers and white chicks.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, yeah.
But that's okay because it's about power.
Yeah, I heard that.
You can make fun of white chicks.
It's about power.
We were watching earlier Sarah Silverman on Bill Maher.
And it was when George, I was going to say George DeKay, Guy Aoki was the head of some Asian Awareness Foundation society.
And she had done this joke, which is unthinkable today, but it was just, it's pretty tame.
And the parody is obvious in it.
She said that she was going to do jury duty.
And her friend told her to be racist in the application and you don't want her to do it.
So she wrote, I hate Chinks in the thing.
And then she felt bad because she didn't want to come across as racist.
And that's not how she feels.
It's not who she is.
So to be more true to herself, she erased it.
And she wrote, I love Chinks.
That's a funny joke.
It's a very funny, to me, and maybe I'm too offensive, but to me, that sounds like Why the Chicken Crossed the Road.
It's a pleasant joke.
I couldn't find it less offensive.
It's anti-racist.
And maybe people don't get Sarah.
Like when she did her own show, it was pretty clear.
Most of her comedy is her being an idiot.
Like Howie Mandel back in the 80s, he would pretend to be this super dumb guy that didn't understand anything.
Sarah Silverman's comic character is this really selfish, vapid girl who tramples on everyone else's feelings just to help herself.
And I think it's based on reality.
I think she recognizes that's a trait in her, and she lampoons herself.
Now, in her new show, which I think is canceled now, she was trying, it's called like Me Meets America.
And you can tell she doesn't like people.
Comedians tend to not like people.
So she did this show where she was going to get to meet right-wingers, left-wingers, and go across the country.
I think I would do a great job at that because I genuinely like people.
But you can tell she has too much animosity from growing up as the only Jewish girl in New England.
And I don't know, she's calloused.
Bitter.
Bitter.
And she's not willing to forgive the South for the horrible things they did to her as a child, even though she was thousands of miles away.
And so that bombed because it wasn't her being herself.
You know, write about what you know, Sarah.
But anyway, the reason we dug up this old clip on Bill Maher was to see if I was lying when I said that she made a pee-pee in the Coke joke.
And the way I remembered it is, Guyoki wants her to apologize.
And you can tell when you watch this clip that he's just trying to build a political career as the Asian Al Sharpton, and his heart is not in it.
At one point in the interview, he goes, look, if it was funny satire, that would be fine, but this wasn't funny.
And that's a common refrain from those people because they don't want to look humorless.
So they go, I love offensive jokes.
That just wasn't funny.
And now you go, okay, so what's your job again?
You police funniness?
Why?
And he said to Sarah, who like her or not, she's built a career since she was a teen doing satire.
And Guy Aoki has not.
He can barely master the English language.
He's got a really irritating accent that's subtle but annoying.
And he's saying, you know, if you knew how to do satire, and he's like, why is this guy from the I'm Really Offended committee telling comedians how to do comedy?
And then she goes, well, tell me how to do it then.
Because Bill Maher brought up a good point.
He says, all right, if you're saying that you just did it wrong, but it's possible how to do it right.
Tell me how you would do it right.
And then he says, well, you could have said, I hate Chinese people.
And then after you realize that's bad, so you wrote, I love Chinese people.
Where's the joke there?
So you wrote on your application for jury duty, I love Chinese people?
How is that a stand-up?
How is that a joke?
He mathematically removed the funny.
Like he, with precision, like a precision surgery, removed the funny.
The chink is the funny part.
I don't think you really want to.
Right.
And in his joke, I hate Chinese people.
No, I race, I love Chinese people.
Now the joke is just the person who applied to jury duty is really, really stupid.
Right.
And doesn't get that to write, I love Chinese people is a silly thing to say.
Well, yeah, that was funnier, though, when the person was stupid and racist, or at least racially insensitive.
Anyway, I remembered her saying, hey, guys, during the commercial break, I just want you to know that this guy went PP in my Coke.
So no one's going to mention that.
And I think the viewers at home should know.
And he was mortified.
That did not happen.
Mandela effect.
I misremembered.
What she said was, and it was buried by laughter at the end, or applause, because they're going to commercial break.
She said, you should probably dig this up instead of coloring and buzz light here again.
Oh, no, no, no.
This is different.
Now you're cutting out a bridge.
For our new hit show, she said, there's only two Asian people I don't like.
You and this guy, Steve, who went peepee in my Coke.
Now go to the clip, and it's at the very end.
And my brain had gone, man, that's not funny enough.
I'm going to add a commercial break.
Yeah, you made it funnier than the actual reality.
Thanks, Robin.
Yeah, you made it funnier, Howard.
Oh, my.
Yeah, you're my, what's his name?
George Takai.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Because I can't tell you how many times I'm at a dinner table.
Oh, this is good.
I'm not going to be a little bit bigger.
Or is so prevalent in our society.
We have to talk.
I'm tired of talking about this.
But I'm not so tired.
But I'm not talking to, I'm not, I don't want to convert anyone.
I'm talking to my choir because I can't tell you how many times I'm at a dinner table or I'm playing golf or whatever.
And I have to hear someone say, oh, he really jewed me down on that.
Or he was slow as a nigger.
Or look at that bean or run.
And then I have to say, wait, what?
Yeah.
And then wait, what did Sarah say?
Hanging out with.
Who are you hanging out with?
But she's such a liar.
So that's that actress from the 80s.
What the hell is her name?
God.
You won't recognize her when I put it up.
I don't recognize her.
Anne-Marie Johnson.
That's Anne-Marie Johnson.
She was on some 80s sitcom called like I'm the twin or something.
And she has long brown hair.
She's very light skinned, strong chin, sort of a Caucasian-looking nose.
She doesn't look black at all.
Maybe Latina.
I think she is half Latina, actually.
Yet she's sitting there talking about how horrible it is for African Americans.
And Bill Maher, this is back in 2001 where you could say things to people.
He goes, I wouldn't have known if you were black if you didn't tell me.
You know, that's why she hears it on the golf course because they don't think it's not gone.
They look around for black people and they're like, oh, there's none here, so I'm going to drop the bomb.
Except sometimes she misses and she goes, God damn it, what the?
And they go, what did you just say?
Nothing.
I was doing an imitation.
But look at that slow, and I'm not going to say it, look at that slow N-word.
No one's ever said that, ever.
Not once has anyone ever said that.
It's inaccurate.
It's inaccurate.
If you've ever seen the Kenyans destroy the Olympics, especially in the sprint.
But the other thing, look at that Beaner run.
She's such a liar.
That is a liar.
You know what?
Let me allow my sexism to cloak this whole show.
Women are liars.
They're in out of their depth when they go to these debate shows, and they just make up shit.
So in order to improve her argument, Anne-Ray Johnson says that every time she plays golf, people say, look at that beaner run.
I can believe that guy jewed me down, but I guarantee you, if someone said that, it was in a jovial way.
And it wasn't, you know, vitriolic.
In fact, they're probably saying it to their Jewish friend.
Like, look at Sal Rosenberg jewel me down once again.
And he's like, well, that's how it works here.
I mean, I've seen people, Ezra's friends talk to him like that in a jokey way.
He self-deprecates about it.
It's a meme.
Yeah.
In fact, Scots are known as cheaper than Jews.
And when I'm with Ezra, we're constantly having cheap-offs.
In fact, another version of cheap, by the way, is making someone else spend a lot of money.
And he asked to meet me in New York on Monday.
And I said, yes, I'd love to meet.
And he goes, okay, name the place.
And I go, Keene Steakhouse, where the mutton is $60.
And I think he was kind of pissed at me the whole dinner that I chose such an expensive place.
But, you know, a steak is still going to be, at a nice steakhouse is going to be $30.
So all I did was add $30.
This is what the owner of my boss's company.
He's just looking down, grumbling like, so that means the potatoes must be fucking $10 a fucking spud.
Each of these fucking spuds is $10, Gavin.
And you're just, what?
Where is it?
Fucking 99 cents for a fluored of broccoli?
This is bullshit.
No, it's actually more than that.
25 cents an ounce of gravy.
This is shit.
It's so good there that, you know, when you have an abortion and it kind of haunts you for the next couple days.
Yeah.
And you think, especially third trimester, and you're like, you can remember it hitting the plexiglass in that machine.
Oh, my God.
And you remember the vacuum hooked up to your vagina.
Keene's Steakhouse is the same.
You'll be on the train going home that night, even if you're drunk.
And you'll just be looking out the window with the rain, the dewdrops on the window, you know, conspiring together, amalgamating, and then forming tears along the window as they fight against the wind.
And you'll just be thinking of that steak the whole time.
Is it that good?
Because I just passed it the other day and I was like.
It haunts you.
Damn.
You can't eat there.
It's the cheapest thing is the eight ounce and it's like 30 bucks.
I can go with this.
Look in the window.
Instead of buying a pair of sneakers, I'll buy...
Why are you buying sneakers?
You're $10,000 in debt.
That is also true.
And all you do is shop till you drop.
No, I haven't bought a pair of sneakers in months.
God damn it.
You make Flava Flav look like Mad Dog Mathis.
What's his name?
The guy with the rolled-up sleeves?
Yeah, oh, yeah.
The Mad Dog.
Shit, I ruined that joke.
Anyway, Anne-Marie Johnson says that.
And then, so that's a lie.
That's just a lie to help her point.
Look at that Beaner run.
Fucking Beaner's running all over the place.
No way.
If someone said that to me, I would say, what did you just say?
Yeah, you'd have to have a Mexican person running, too.
Yeah.
When does that happen?
You mean, look at that Beaner ride his mountain bike through the suburbs to the contracting job he's doing?
I've seen that with his cooler and his dusty Timberlands.
I've definitely seen that.
And then earlier in the show, Sarah Silverman says, she goes, that Anne-Marie Johnson says, you never use the N-word in that kind of joke.
Like, I hate N's and then I love N's.
And she goes, I did that all the time.
And I did that recently on Conan O'Brien.
Right.
And then Anne-Marie Johnson rightly calls her and goes, wait a minute.
A couple weeks ago, you were on Conan O'Brien and you used the N-word in a joke.
And she goes, yeah.
Now, the internet is good at stuff like that.
And I combed through the internet and the only thing I could find regarding the N-word Conan O'Brien and Sarah Silverman was her saying that she said that on Bill Maher.
She never said that.
And I've fucking noticed this with the left all the time.
You'll be arguing about something and they'll say something that shatters your argument.
And you'll go, huh, okay.
Geez, I was pretty sure I knew what I was talking about, but all right, touche, I guess you got me.
And then I'll go home and look it up and it's not even close to true.
All the fucking time.
So now I think you just have to come back to them.
When they say something that sounds weird, you just go, yeah, that's not true.
Like I remember one time I was arguing with the guy I bought my car from at the car dealership.
And he said, yeah, Obama created way more jobs than this.
And he was up to like, whatever it was, 2.1 million a year.
How many jobs did Obama create per year?
Anyway, I go, oh, holy shit, that's way more than Trump.
And what was it, just over 2 million jobs, okay?
He had it in 2017.
Then I look it up and it's way less than that.
It's like 1.1 million jobs a year, way less than Trump.
And so, of course, I make the mistake of contacting the guy and I go, hey, buddy, you know that big argument we had where you totally tore me a new ass and sent me home with my tail between my legs because you had all these awesome facts I didn't know?
I looked it up and no, he didn't create that.
And he goes, well, you're factoring in the first two years after Bush.
And Bush had destroyed the economy so bad that he gets a pass.
What?
Is there an asterisk stat?
So out of Obama's, what was it, eight years, you get to just delete two years.
They're magic.
It's sort of like when people are looking up the number of Islamic attacks and they start on September 12th, 2001.
So they just cut those years out.
Those are magical years.
Those are off the books.
And then I go, oh, okay.
So then I look that up and even playing his fucking cheating game, it's still only 2 million.
And how many jobs did Trump create?
Trump is up to like 2.2.
So far, there are 3.8 million.
Wait a minute.
Trump scoreboard.
Total jobs created approaches 4 million as wage growth still lags.
Yeah, they've got to, of course, come up with a bad nim.
So 3.8 is still less than 2.
Eh, what the fuck?
See, now I've got to go back and do all my homework.
I mean, 3.8 divided by 2, but it hasn't been two full years, has it?
No, Slovenia.
I almost said um, and then I was like, I got nothing, No, so when you hear no, immediately you go to a cartoon called The Lion King.
When I'm talking about Baz Lauldron, you immediately go to Toy Story and start coloring pictures.
Nice education, Bronx.
Way to go, South Bronx.
A way to feed our boxers fucking sugarcorn pops for dinner.
I just want my money.
So they're dead to the world after two rounds.
I would just like my childhood back.
Thank you.
Yeah, he wants his childhood back.
He wants a fat black lady to sit on him if he talks out of class.
Imagine there was some sort of checks and balances in New York, and some Betsy DeVos comes by and says, hi, we're just checking in on some of the public schools here in the South Bronx.
I just hope this goes without saying, but you teachers, you know, corporal punishment is out, right?
You can't whip a child anymore.
Oh, yeah, we know that.
Okay, so just for fun, are you using the usual methods for discipline, timeouts, sending them to the office, denying privileges, that kind of thing?
No, we sit on them, Mrs. DeVos.
Pardon me?
Oh, we have a bed in that extra room, and we just take the little boys in there, and we sit on them, and they make a sound like, oh, I can't breathe, I can't breathe.
And that's how we know that they learning their lesson.
Ain't nobody asking me to go to the bathroom.
Not in this household.
It's a classroom.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
You know that ain't nobody's a double negative, right?
You mean nobody.
I think the ain't negates it.
Also, you have a sign behind you that says no bullying, but you cross the word bullying out with a giant X. So it says no, no bullying.
That's also a double negative.
Let's work on some single negatives in this class, please.
No.
Amen.
I've talked to teachers in East New York.
It's irreparable.
Yeah.
It is, there's three kids who want to learn.
The rest are fist fighting and chatting.
And if you report any of them or try to exercise any kind of discipline, you're in trouble for making the school look bad.
You know what else is irreparable?
The Chicago judicial system and the Chicago political system.
Like the fact that Jussie Smollett got away with this is not in the least bit surprising to me.
What's her name?
Tina Fox.
Tina Fox is the woman who they say did it, even though she's meant to be recused from the case.
She never formally recused herself from the case.
You look up Tina Fox, by the way, and you get some weird bodybuilding-looking trampoline.
Wait, isn't it Tina Chen?
Tina Chen is linked to this.
Michelle Obama's chief of staff, I believe.
She's the one who was hired by the SPLC to come fix everything.
They keep digging themselves a deeper hole, these bitches.
Don't fuck with me, okay?
I'll destroy you.
Don't poke a bear.
Don't fuck with a Scotsman.
Don't even try to out-cheep me.
I will fight you for years in court to save three bucks.
I will spend $3 million to win $3,003.
And I will take that $3 and go, there you are, you fucker.
See you, people.
Maybe her name's not Tina Fox.
Who is your Wish?
Kim Fox.
She's one of the least attractive women I've ever seen.
Least attractive people.
If she was a man, she'd be shocking to look at.
She looks like a weird frog.
What is that?
You're not looking at the right girl.
That's not her?
No.
That looks like a weird frog.
It's Kim Fox, F-O-X-X.
Oh.
Chicago prosecutor Kim Fox chided by National Attorneys Group after Jussie Smollett charges dropped.
Just dropped.
And the beauty of all this, too, is Tina Chen is also linked to this mess.
And Tina Chen was meant to repair the image of the SPLC.
Now she's damaged goods.
So it's even worse for the SPLC.
The woman you're looking for is black, dude.
No, I found her already, but I'm just like a Fred Armison character.
It looks like a Portlandi sketch.
God, she's hideous.
But I wasn't remotely surprised that all the charges were dropped.
And here, the crazy thing is no one wanted him with chains around his ankles working at maximum security making license plates.
All sane people in America wanted him to maybe do fucking four days in jail.
Six months, something?
No, not six months.
Maybe six months.
I wouldn't hate six months.
That seems a lot, though.
Is it?
I don't know.
But pick up some garbage by the highway and more importantly, confess and say, I fucked up, I lied, blah, blah, blah.
But he doubled down.
Now he's saying that they framed him and he's considering a lawsuit.
And at the same time, the Chicago police are just sending him a bill.
Because he must have wasted, I'm going to say $10 million.
I mean, it's easy to fluff up these invoices.
But how many resources of the police did he use?
And now his lawyer, Smollett's lawyer, besides lawsuits, is saying that they could have been wearing white face.
I thought they had ski masks on, lady.
And their other thing they're pushing is that they were considering suing the African brothers, the bodybuilders, suing them for lying and making Jussie look bad.
I mean, this is the trouble with getting in bed with the mentally ill.
They just keep, this is what happened with trannies when the left goes, yeah, blacks don't behave that well.
We don't want them anymore on our side.
We tried to get them to help us with our LGBT shit, and they stopped Prop 9 in California and outlawed gay marriage because they're religious.
Oh, they like to go to church.
You know what?
We're done with black people.
We have a new oppressed group that we're going to make our pets, and that is Trannys.
And it went well for a while.
They're wasting everyone's time arguing about bathrooms.
And then they started to get to know them.
And they went, wow, you guys do a lot of special K. Hey, do you mind not doing amyl nitrate before an important meeting?
And the tranny's like, it helps me open up, okay?
I'm a diva, okay?
You know what we used to do in high school to get high?
What?
In Canada, you get Your bag in, you get your milk in bags.
You have a plastic, sort of a sort of like that thing that you put your water in.
You have a thing like that, a porer, and you put a milk bag in that, and then you cut the corners of the milk bag.
And you throw out that milk bag when you're done.
I don't know why.
I don't know, even if it's a better system.
I don't give a shit.
But those three milk bags, they come in a bag.
So inevitably, you have all these milk bags, the milk bag holders bags, lying around your house.
You also, if your mom is worried about sticking, she makes sure that she douches regularly and she cleans her pussies.
No, she has a Pam cooking spray.
And so what we would do is, I'm not proud of this, we'd shake it up and then we'd get a plastic bag and we'd spray the Pam cooking spray into the bag until it was about to pop, right?
And then just go, huh, huh, huh, and inhale the Pam cooking spray, which I guess is aerosol.
I don't even know what we were doing.
Was it the equivalent of Whippets?
Holy shit, dude.
What?
I just gave you a weird memory you forgot?
Yes.
Wow.
Yeah, it was specifically Pam cooking spray.
Wow.
We would go and buy a six-pack.
Because I remember tasting it and being like, we're eating too much.
Like, I'm tasting too much of this.
Whoa.
You forgot about that?
Yep.
I remember us doing it so much, there'd be Pam cooking spray, the oil part slooshing around in the bottom of the bag.
Dude, wow.
Yeah, I remember tasting.
Wow.
That's weird.
So what were we inhaling?
I don't know.
I don't actually remember.
Maybe that's why I'm so retarded because, like, it's like it's borderline of repressed memory.
Well, I'm way smarter than you, but compared to my dad, I'm an incredible retard.
Yeah.
So maybe I fried my brain too.
We're all getting worse.
What is a Whipet?
It's nitrous oxide.
It's also associated with sedatives, steel cylinders, full of nitrous oxide.
So were we doing night?
A Whippet is nitrous oxide.
It's NO2, right?
By the way, kids, if you're listening, this was not cool.
Someone at our school, a neighboring high school, died from this.
His heart stopped.
That didn't slow us down.
Yeah.
But I remember you would pass out, and then you'd have maybe a seizure, and then you'd go yang, yang, yang, yang.
Oh my God, I just remembered something I haven't remembered before.
When you would do it a lot, like for, I don't know, five times, we'd have a, you know, we'd just be sitting on someone's couch because their parents were out, and we would do maybe a six pack.
The 10 of us would do a six pack of Pam cooking spray.
We'd get what we call the stupids, where you just sort of sit and stare at the ground and have nothing to say.
The stupids.
How pathetic is that?
What happens if you inhale aerosol?
Inhaling highly concentrated amounts of the chemicals in solvents or aerosol sprays can cause heart failure and death within minutes after repeated inhalation.
Many people inhale vapors from common inhalants.
I remember even before we got a hold of Pam cooking spray, before we had a dealer called Walmart, we would do that thing where you ever do that where you bend over and you go, and then you stand up really fast and someone behind you pushes on your juggler veins.
Yes, the California high.
That's what Alex Jones was talking about on Rogan.
And then you pass out.
He had a past life in it.
Doesn't it feel like when you wake up, you were asleep for like 20 minutes to an hour?
Yeah, well, you'd have a dream.
You'd have a dream that you were riding your bicycle with friends on a giant lily field and then two birds came down and said, what's going on, guy?
Very specific.
Yeah.
Jesus.
He had a past life where he had like children and a family.
It was like Old England, like medieval times or something.
And they were dying of starvation.
Well, you know what he's got to do?
What?
He's got to take those trauma strains out to the top of his head.
Yes, he does.
Miles, my brother, has got a video coming out on nohate.com where he discusses the merit of trauma strains, which are these two.
Can you dig that up?
Can you dig that up?
That's never been done.
What about a stuttering pop-up?
Wait, wait, go back to Sarah Silverman for a second here.
We didn't finish that.
So show the actual Peepy Coke line that I had totally misremembered.
It's at the very, very end.
Trick to somehow link that horrific crime.
You know what?
There are only two Asian people I know that I don't like.
One is you, and the other is my friend Steve, who actually went pee-pee in my Coke.
Okay.
What a fucking humored void there.
You know, Sarah Silverman's sort of gone back on all that.
And she said, because she has to survive, right?
This is what I hate about, again, women.
These comedians, I guess male comedians do it too, where they have to survive.
So they look back on all their funny shit and they go, that was actually terrible.
And she said, you can call it political correctness or whatever, but they're on the right side of history.
If you ever hear anyone say the right side of history, they're a douche or they've become a douche.
They've swallowed the Kool-Aid.
I brought that up with her because I used to know her.
And I said, come on, Sarah, not et too bruté.
And she goes, why do you need to say gay?
Is that such an important word to you?
And I go, no, but not saying it is ridiculous.
That doesn't do anyone any good.
Did you know I tried to fuck her once?
Did you?
Yeah.
Did it work?
Nope.
I think Kevin Brennan did.
He fucked her?
Yep.
That's the worst part.
She got around.
She fucked Sam Cedar for a while, blew David Cross.
She was not exactly chased.
C-H-A-S-T-E.
Oh, I see.
And she was chased, E.D. She's fucking hot, even now.
But yeah, we knew each other from, I don't know, stuff.
We talked quite a bit.
And she was in town and she said, let's come meet.
And I was with the JP.
You know who I was with that night?
I like your new sunglasses.
I shouldn't have brought him along.
And we went to Great Jones' diner And she didn't drink.
I mean, yeah, she's a pot person.
If she doesn't find, if she doesn't get her marijuana, she's as bad as when Vince Neal's daughter died.
I didn't know his daughter died.
Oh my God, dude.
How?
I was blubbering like a complete homosexual last night.
When did that happen?
Like in the late 80s?
I don't know.
Oh, why were we crying last night then?
Because there's a new Netflix movie out called Dirt directed by Jeff Tremaine.
Oh, I heard about that.
Who I also know.
This is a real name-droppy episode.
Jeff Tremaine, yeah, he was jackass guy.
He was the jackass guy.
We pitched Vice TV together.
And little known fact about Jeff Tremaine, he won sexiest eyes in high school.
In the high school yearbook, he is the winner.
I bet it you could pull it up online.
He does have dreamy eyes.
He's got very dreamy eyes.
You know what?
He's got the same thing that our buddy Steve McCarthy does.
It looks like they're built-in eyeliner.
It's like, why are your eyes pretty?
Trevor Simser, the manager of Sick of It All and Andrew WK, had him too.
And we used to call, the band Sick of It All called him asshole eyes.
And he goes, Trevor goes, yeah, I used to be self-conscious about it until I became a teenager and started getting fucking laid.
Chicks like asshole eyes.
What are asshole eyes?
When you have that hemophilia look and it's kind of dark below your eyes.
Oh.
You have like butthole eyes.
It's like butthole eyes.
They're watching you.
Watching your every move.
Butthole eyes.
Your eyes smell like shit.
And you.
Actually, remember in Star Wars where the female Jedi, the new one, she goes to that weird land where there's like the new Cantina bar and it's in a sort of a Casley type place that's lots of stone and there's vines growing all over it.
And there's this woman with glasses.
She's like an old lady, an old Yoda lady.
And they meet her.
She's like, yes, I can tell you where the lightsaber is.
We have Luke's old lightsaber.
You know who I'm talking about?
Vaguely.
She looks like a weird frog.
Star Wars, Jedi.
Maz.
Oh, I found it.
Maz get.
Maz.
Is her name Maz?
I think it's Maz.
Yeah, you're right.
Maz Kanata.
That's where I went to high school.
Kanata, Ontario.
Same spelling.
K-A-N-H.
Oh, I see her butthole eyes.
But she's got...
She's got bu-ba-bha.
I don't talk to Trevor much anymore, but when I saw that movie, I sent him a picture and I go, someone has snatched the pebble from your asshole eyes.
But yeah, Jeff Tremaine.
So they took the book Dirt, which, by the way, I'm sorry to get so megalomaniacal on this show, but the reason Dirt is so good is because of me.
Again.
Tommy Lee was reading my Do's and Don'ts book, and he was holding back when he was writing his part of it.
Uh-oh.
What happened?
I'm just, I gotta.
When you're a dad with three kids, you always gotta have your phone on just in case someone's sick or some shit.
And when you see your wife go, I feel bad, oh, it's because she's missing the opening game of the Mets.
So he was worried about holding back when they were writing the book, and they were reading Do's and Don'ts, the first book, which has got a lot of raunchy comedy in there and some bad words, including racial epithets, and in a comical way, obviously.
And his manager said, dude, look at this book.
Go balls out.
Make it a crazy.
Tell the truth.
Talk about the fucking and the coke and everything.
And so he did.
And that's one of the reasons Dirt is so good.
And Jeff Tremaine finally adapted it and made it into a movie with a bunch of like Australians and British people playing Motley Crew, whatever.
And in it, they get into Vince Neal's six-year-old daughter who died of stomach cancer.
know.
I don't know if Jeff Jermaine, because I haven't spoken to him in a long time ever since I became persona non grata in the creative community.
But, dude, you can't have...
Jeff Tremaine, kids.
Yeah.
Living with kids, Laura Tremaine, his wife.
Okay?
Because Jesus Lord in heaven above, did he ever not hold back?
At one point, the six-year-old girl says, I don't want them to cut my tummy again, daddy.
Yeesh.
Yeah.
And that's been my pet peeve for a while.
I've always said, can you stop putting children in peril to further your movie?
Now, Vince Neal's daughter really did die.
But shit, man.
And I guess I can't fault Jeff for that because he's doing a movie based on a true story.
But they show her cadaver at the end.
Come on.
Yes, they show her the six-year-old all white with her eyes open, like, I'm dead.
I don't know her.
I don't think her eyes are open.
I couldn't look.
I had my hand over this projector and was blubbering.
Eyes open or not?
That's pretty dark.
My cries become super gay.
Yes, they were the soldier video.
Well, the beauty is...
I do real man cries with soldier videos.
That's just wet eyes.
Right.
I get wet eyes sometimes too.
But when they kill a child in a show, I'm just like, oh, for fuck's sake.
It was not.
It was not cool.
And then I think I was like, worst thing imaginable.
Worst imaginable.
Not a good look.
Worst thing ever, much.
Your daughter's dying of stomach cancer.
That is like the worst thing ever, basically.
No, non-heinous.
Yeah.
So that's asshole.
I wanted to talk about this.
Speaking of homosexuals, Brunei is going to...
All cultures are the same.
They're just different.
That's just different than us.
Don't judge.
Diversity is our strength.
Let's learn about the other cultures.
What's going on, other culture?
Oh, we're doing a thing where we're burying a fag in dirt and whipping giant rocks at his head until he dies.
Oh my God.
You're not going to believe this.
We used to do that.
Yeah.
Like, I think it was 2,000 years ago.
I can't exactly remember where because we didn't really keep good records back then.
But yeah, we used to do that too.
And it eventually you're going to realize that that gay has a brother and a mother and a father and a friend and a kid sometimes.
And you're going to feel kind of bad.
It's called developing a conscience and having shame and being civilized.
You'll get there.
Don't worry, Brunei.
You did not just white shame him.
What?
Where the fuck is Brunei?
But it's somewhere stupid.
Brunei, the science guy.
Hey, Brunei.
I looked you up.
You're in a stupid part of the world.
A lot of the world's stupid.
Oh, look at the places that it's near.
Parangakarai and Balikpapan.
It's near Indonesia, which is so stupid.
I thought Asians were smarter than us.
Why are they burying homos?
Yeah, that seems odd.
How'd you get so dumb down there?
No, I'm just kidding.
You're not dumb if you bury gays.
You're evil.
God.
But here's what I want to know.
It says they will punish gay sex.
What if you stick your dick up your girlfriend's butthole?
Is that technically gay?
It seems pretty gay to me.
That's gay sex.
What's gay sex?
What do gays do?
They have butt sex and they blow each other.
So if a female blows a guy, is that gay sex?
Right.
Like, you know, with the insult cocksucker, it definitely isn't meant to apply to women, but technically it does.
In fact, I would say, I mean, what percentage of women in America aren't cocksuckers.
What percentage of women, and I'm sure there's a lot of lesbians, but not even that many.
Let me see.
This is why I can't wait to die.
You know what happens when you die?
You get all the facts?
You get a machine called a Godoogle.
And you just can type in anything.
Like, what's the worst I ever got beat up?
And they'll show you a video of Nazi skinheads kicking the shit out of you.
And you can see it from any angle you like.
That rules.
In high def.
Yeah.
You can be a ghost, by the way, when you die.
Did you know that?
Is that an option?
It's an option that no one takes because they learned that if you have no reaction, like you can't push over a thing of Tropicana juice or make a fork float, then you're just watching it on TV and they'd rather watch it at home.
Right.
Yeah, ghosts are fucking lame.
Like what, like they go downstairs and wait for you to come home and wait for it to be like dark to play like two notes on the piano.
I don't even know if they can play that.
They just sit there or they exist.
Ooh, I'm so scared.
Yeah, ghosts suck.
For some weird reason, when I think about being a ghost, the first things that pop into my head are watching Jay-Z and Beyonce fuck.
She boy hova.
I'm going to come.
I know it's not going to be dramatic.
It's probably just like doggy, you know, married couple sex.
I love you.
And then I also want to go to the White House more when Obama was in office and just hear the kind of shit that goes on.
But it would be cool with Trump, too.
Yeah, I want to hear what he said.
I want to hear what he's just fucking around talking about.
Or, you know, it would be cool as a ghost.
You're in the White House, and after he leaves, you get to see them go, I fucking hate that guy.
Yeah, see what they say about him?
I've been talking to someone in Brunei about having him assassinated, about having him buried up to his neck for gay sex.
Yeah, I mean, you know, Kellyanne Conway and her husband, like, I wonder what's going on there because the husband always talks shit on Trump.
That's another reason women shouldn't be in the workforce.
Yeah.
They can't keep their bitch in line.
If that was a man, if Kellyanne Conway was a man and her, Crazy.
Yeah.
Or what about your girlfriend talking shit about me?
Well, I mean, you started it.
Why don't you keep that in line?
Well, you started it.
You remember in The Godfather?
What did they say to that guy?
She wasn't talking to you.
She was just hitting me up.
I believe she was making public comments on Instagram.
No.
That's how I heard about it.
How else would I hear about it?
I hacked into her email?
No, I think she said something about the job or something like that.
No, no, you're talking about in person.
I'm talking about, I sent you an email about this.
Someone told me that on Instagram, your girlfriend talked shit about me.
Today?
No, it was days ago.
Oh, I don't think so.
I don't think so.
In the 50s, a woman, if she was going to meet her boyfriend's boss, her husband's boss, she'd have white gloves on and a purse.
She'd be super nervous.
She'd have her little pillbox hat on, her little Chanel pantsuit.
Yeah, they have too much balls.
Too much balls.
They want to fight you in a bar fight.
I remember once at Max Fish, there was this weird stalker intern who I fired, and he showed up to Max Fish with all his friends.
Now, I'm a terrible fighter, but I'm a very bad fighter against four men.
young men, especially I'm probably couldn't beat up four retards.
I don't know if I could beat up four 600-pound life people.
No, that's a no.
Although, wouldn't that be fun?
See, my problem with sparring is they punch back.
James Eha, the guy he would spar with was his coach, and he could just hammer on him all day, and I don't think James would ever get punched back.
That's what I want.
Can't we get people, like Jussie Smollett, by the way, who have committed a crime, and we don't need community service.
There's no garbage by the highway.
We send them to boxing gyms, and they get punched.
Now, we've got gloves on and headgear.
I'm not going to Kill you, but you should be able to rattle on some graffiti kids and some people who've littered on the highway and somebody's not paid their child support.
Don't you think?
The graffiti kids?
Yeah.
Yeah, why not?
We catch you doing graffiti.
You can either do community service or just get to Rikers for a day or stay in the holding cell at the beginning.
But that's a grand day because you know that they picked the ass whipping.
Right.
So it's inevitable.
And it's not really that much of an ass whipping.
I just get to practice my punches and you get to just, you can block some.
That is pretty cool.
But you can't punch me.
I like dishing it out.
I don't like taking it.
That is kind of cool.
I got nailed in the head today sparring.
And it really...
It's like getting used to a taser.
I don't think I'll ever get used to getting punched in the head really hard.
Yeah, it's not fun.
It's not fun.
Although I saw you get punched in the head the other day.
That looked pretty fun.
It was fun.
I guess we won't talk about that.
No.
No.
It's like a domestic dispute.
I like feeling like a fucking 1970s Italian couple.
Maria, where you going?
Shit, fuck you, Ricky.
Oh, come on.
They're really smarts.
There's something classically man-woman about that.
It's kind of fun.
Those are the good old days where you could have a mistress and it wouldn't end your marriage.
Your wife would just go, what are you fucking bringing your slut around here?
And you go, I don't care about her.
They had a name of a Gumar.
Get her out of here.
A Gumar.
A Gumar.
They had a fucking name.
I don't give a shit about her.
I love you.
Ricky's Gumar.
She's getting sloppy.
I'm finding her undies all over the place.
Back in the 70s, dads could disappear for three days.
If I was late for dinner, my wife would be fucking pissed.
I'm not saying that I don't call the shots at home, don't get me wrong, but I'd have to have a good excuse.
Of course.
But disappearing for several days?
Or my dad would drive us drunk.
I remember one time we were all camping, and he took me and the other kids on a little speedboat, you know, not a fancy one, just like a fishing boat with an outboard motor on the back.
And he took us out and we would do like those super right-angle turns where the one side of the boat is almost in the water.
That rules.
And then the other boat's like, the boat's about to tip over.
And we're screaming and laughing our heads off.
And it's super dangerous.
And he's got a cigarette in his mouth.
And he's just whipping around.
And he comes back.
And I think one of the moms, Diane O'Brien, punched him in the face when he got back on the beach.
Because what he was doing was fucking dangerous.
Yeah, I suppose.
And that was the end of that.
And he was probably drunk when he was doing it.
And it was super fun.
One time, oh, and this isn't one time, but actually, I do remember another time.
He was, I was like 17.
And he was taking me in the parking lot of his work.
And he was doing donuts and 360s and stuff.
And the car was skidding all over the ice.
And I didn't know how to break it to him that we had been doing shit way crazier than that.
He thought that that was better.
He was like, whoa, here we go.
Here we go.
Around we go.
Like, dad, we go smashing the snowbanks at 50 miles an hour and get arrested for it.
I went to fucking jail for doing donuts.
What's the longest you've ever been in jail?
Four hours.
No, no.
Sorry.
Yeah, four hours.
But I've been to jail twice.
So I'm technically an ex-con, are I?
Con?
No.
Convict?
That's like a prison.
Convicted.
That's prison convict.
I'm a jailbird.
I'm a jailbird.
You're sort of a bird of jail.
You know the time?
That time was drunk driving when I was 16 and doing donuts.
That wasn't very glamorous.
And when my dad saw that in my mugshot I was laughing, I got in a lot of shit.
You think that's a fucking joke?
Like that kind of thing?
He called me asshole for an entire year.
Like, you late asshole.
Hey, asshole, your mother called.
But the fun one was when I allegedly head-butted a guy who smashed one of our employees in the face.
He did an open hand slap.
Damn.
So we went to get him.
And he goes, guys, we went to his apartment and his daddy paid for his rent.
And he goes, let's talk outside.
I don't want this in front of my doorman.
Okay.
So we go in front of his doorman.
No, sorry, we go outside.
It was me and Shane.
It was Shane's girlfriend at the time.
And he goes, look, man, you know how Sarah can be a real bitch sometimes.
Like, his attitude was, he was going to explain his side of it and why she did need a good slap.
Like, we were going to go, you know what, man, she's kind of a bitch.
Touche, dude.
So that didn't work in his favor.
And as he started his pitch, I just went and I head-butted him beautifully.
I think Leswegians have a head-butting gift.
I've never head-butted anyone in the forehead where I've seen others do it and they just bonk heads like they're falling in love.
Like they're two turtles snapping turtles courting.
You do the nose?
I get the nose every time.
Fuck.
And the lip.
That's got to be.
I gave him a cleft palate.
I allegedly gave him a cleft palate.
And he did this incredible thing that's hard to do on radio, explain on radio, but he fell backwards just like someone is doing one of those faith tests, trusting tests, where you fall back into your friend's arms.
You know what I mean?
Trust fall.
Trust fall.
He fell back like he was doing a trust fall and you go, uh-oh, someone's going to hit their head and maybe be knocked unconscious.
Then, when he was at like 10 degrees, he rotated his body 180 degrees.
So now he's at the Olympics in the starting position.
And poof, he was off running down the street.
I don't know how he did it.
It's like he came to 70% of the way through his fall and rocketed off.
Anyway, he ran.
Shane chased him.
I didn't bother.
And he ran into a cop car.
And the cops took him away because he goes, that guy's chasing me.
That guy's chasing me.
They took him away because he ran into the cop car?
Well, he said, that guy's chasing me.
And then Shane caught up.
His flip-flops are gone.
Again, guys, never wear flip-flops.
Told you this a million times.
And I say with flip-flops, what if someone hits your girl?
Someone hit his girl.
And the cops go, what's going on here?
And he goes, he slapped my girlfriend in the face and I was going to kick his ass.
And they go, no problem, buddy.
And drive him off and press charges.
So he's in jail for about four days in the tombs in New York, which is a horrible place to be.
It's so horrible that you use your bologna sandwich as a chair because the chairs are steel.
It starts to hurt your tailbone after a while.
You can't sleep.
So you put the bologna sandwich under your tailbone to alleviate the pain.
Sheesh.
And there's people there that want to kill you, and some of them have smuggled in razor blades.
I remember Ryan McGinley was there, the photographer, and he's a gay.
But they said, do you want to go to the, what kind of prison?
Are you a gay?
And he goes, no, I'm not.
Because that's not really his style.
He doesn't act gay.
He just sucks dicks.
That's fine.
That's not gay.
No.
He'd be fine in Brunerio.
You suck one dick, and all of a sudden, people know you as a cocksucker.
All of a sudden.
So he went to the straight one, obviously.
He wasn't wearing high-heeled shoes or anything.
He was wearing like an army coat and Air Jordan.
And there was the black guys and the white guys were having an argument about pussy eating.
And the black guys were saying eating a pussy is gay, if you can believe that argument.
I've heard that before.
This should be, wouldn't that be great if this was on 60 Minutes or As It Happens or PBS or something?
Tonight, on the bottom of it, we are with two groups of people in Rikers, no, sorry, in the tombs in Lower Manhattan.
And we're going to be trying to solve the riddle of pussy eating.
Is it gay or not?
Man, I did not deliver that very funnily.
No, that was fun.
The concept is good.
Okay, anyway.
The delivery, I think you're saying.
Right.
Funny people say things funnily.
Yes.
So he says, so they're arguing back and forth.
And then Ryan comes out of nowhere and goes, hey, man, I don't think pussy eating is gay.
I think this argument is stupid.
And this black dude goes, oh, really?
Takes out a razor he has smuggled in.
This is 2001 around.
And just slices Ryan's arm open.
Holy fuck.
Big, huge line down his arm.
That's not very reasonable, is it?
No, it is not.
And that's not going to help whatever you're in there for, by the by.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
There's that whole thing where you're in jail there.
Yeah, we're probably going to catch you.
Have a strong feeling.
We're going to get the guy who did that to you.
And we're also going to get him in jail.
Watch this.
Ah, he's in jail.
Told you.
No, so four days in jail.
And then he comes out and he presses charges on me.
So they call me in.
But the fucking Nimrod, and again, I'm only alleging I did this.
The fucking Nimrod said Saturday.
He went to jail on a Wednesday.
He got out on Saturday.
And he said this happened on Saturday.
He wrote down on the form Saturday.
He wrote the wrong fucking date.
Oh, no.
Sorry.
It happened on a Saturday.
And he got out on a Wednesday.
That's it.
And he said it happened on Wednesday.
Now, Wednesday, I was at work.
So when the cops take me in, I go, oh, Wednesday, huh?
Well, I have 9 billion emails, a room full of co-workers.
I couldn't have more alibis.
This is back before you got email on your phone, too.
I go, I'm drowning in alibis, dudes.
And they go, all right, well, we got to run your fingerprints and see if there's any warrants out for your arrest.
It's going to take about four hours.
And I go, so I got to go down in the cages because this is on that precinct that's near the Kumiya studio.
Okay.
Like 37th or something and 10th Ave.
And they have these cages in the basement.
They're just like animals, beasts lying there.
And they're not big.
They're like animal cages.
It's what you'd put a pit bull in.
It's worse than the tombs.
So I don't want to go back down there.
Even the, it doesn't have bars.
It has cage steel.
Like crisscross EX cage steel.
I don't want to go down there.
That sucks.
Yeah.
Can I just sit down here by you?
And they go, sure.
And I'm in the jail cell that's next to their desk, which I don't know if you remember the show Barry Manilow.
No, no.
I mean, Barney Miller.
The Barney Miller show.
I've heard of that.
Barney Miller was a sitcom that took place in a police station.
And part of the set was a jail cell.
Let me see if they have the song at the beginning.
It's like a real basy.
No, they just start with it.
Boom, ba, ba, bomb.
So a character in the show is always the guy that's in the holding cell.
And I was in that cell.
Dude, it was one of the best times of my life.
Really?
Although I will say, there was something, besides the drunk driving thing, which I don't really remember, I had never experienced the shkung of the thing closing and knowing like a door you can kick down.
But I've never been in something where there's no possible way I can get out.
And it's 100% up to someone else whether or get out.
Like even this studio here right now, we're near the ground floor.
I could jump out of the window.
I'm by Grand Central.
Central, I can run there.
Even if we were on some crazy floor here, I could kick my way out of these walls are just fucking plaster, a drywall.
I could kick through the wall to another room.
There's always a way out.
When there's not.
When there's not, man, it's a weird feeling.
And I had this buddy in Costa Rica, Jason, the guy who used to look after a place there, this surf bum, who was on the lamb for pot plants.
He was one of the biggest Coke dealers in Chicago.
He was the only white kid who could speak to the black people and the white college kids.
So he was the go-between dude, like that white guy in that new movie with Matthew McConaughey.
He was that kind of guy.
And he gave it all up because he was paying off cops and the cops said, it's not looking good for you.
He gave it all up and then just for fun was growing pot in this abandoned house he rented.
And that was just a hobby.
But it was Reagan era and they were fucking throwing the key away for people who just had a heating lamp.
Oh yeah, because Nancy Reagan did the same thing.
So he was looking at 10 years for having a bunch of pot plants, even though that's a similar sentence he would have got for his Coke days.
Anyway, he disappeared to Costa Rica, and I used to make fun of him because he would complain all the time that he doesn't have a passport, no one knows his last name, and if his mother were to die, he couldn't visit her.
He can barely call her.
And I used to say, oh, poor you, you live in paradise and surf all day and fuck chicks.
What a nightmare.
And he goes, you don't understand, man.
A man not having his freedom, it's something you have to experience to understand.
And now I look back and I can sympathize with him more, where he was stuck on this beautiful island, but he couldn't move.
And that's why it's such an effective punishment.
That sounds shitty.
I don't like the sound of it.
Did I tell you about him?
Here's a weird story about him.
I think it's in my book.
I had this intern, that mulatto chick, who had B.O. Oh, yes.
She was actually quite wealthy.
And he was awesome too.
I'm sorry to identify her as B.O., but I just knew that would help you remember him immediately because we were discussing this.
And her dad was a successful lawyer who died in a helicopter crash.
Black guy.
So I guess the black high-end lawyers have sort of a fraternity, like a brotherhood, and they have each other's backs.
And that makes sense because it was probably, you're probably the only one at that particular law school, especially if you're a boomer.
She went to law school in the 70s, and you were probably the only one there.
So they have this bond, and they treat her great, and they're always, you know, checking in on her and saying, what can we do?
And she says to me, I feel bad because these guys want to help me, but what am I?
Pablo Escobar?
Like, I don't have anything.
I'm just a little girl.
I'm a 22-year-old who has my friends and I like to go to concerts and dance.
I don't need someone to get rid of this, make this problem go away.
That's not my work.
There's a lot of pressure for her.
Yeah.
Exactly.
She felt pressured to have a crime expunged.
And I said, well, I got a crime, sort of.
I got this buddy in Costa Rica who's been on the lamb for 10 years.
And he wants to know if it's safe to come back.
So she goes, that's perfect.
Thank you.
I'll make him my friend.
So she tells him that the guys, I say to Jason, I go, I need your actual name now.
I think it was Jason Nathan Stapley.
And he goes, okay, he gives me his name.
And they look it up and it had been expunged.
It was 10 years.
They got paperwork.
Statute limitations.
Fuck it.
Don't worry about it.
And he's free to do whatever he wants.
And they sent me the PDF of his file and I sent it to him.
And I go, dude, apparently you're free to go.
Wow.
And he was pissed.
What?
Well, get this.
He was this guy.
Dr. Doodle can talk to the animals.
He was, he learned Spanish and all the rich people in this town, Montezuma, Costa Rica, which we used to call Monte Fuma, Coca-Colica.
I see.
Fuma is smoke.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, you know, I mean, you know, that is funny.
Fuck, that's funny.
Well, that's what the local Ticos called it.
And they would always go, ha ha, ha, ha, ha, hey, Monte Fuma, Coca Rica.
So all the rich kids, rich kids, all the rich old people, the boomers, that would have him build their mansions and be the contractor, the foreman kind of guy, who would they say, we want to have like a huge cabana here.
And then he would make it happen, right?
So he's invaluable to them.
They don't know how to tell people to build something.
And so he would ask them, hey, can you ask one of your 50 high-powered attorneys to check out my case?
And you know what they would do?
Especially this one woman, Chrissy.
She'd go, yeah, a lot of them are cokeheads too, these old rich boomers.
Yeah, they looked into it.
It's not looking good, Jay.
Sorry.
Yeah, it's still really bad.
In fact, the FBI is looking for you now more than ever.
Why would they do that?
They were lying.
What the fuck?
Because he was a valuable asset.
Holy shit.
So they were happy to keep him in this tropical jail.
I presume till he died of old age.
Shit.
He had a kid there.
Wife and a kid.
How fucking selfish and crazy.
Weird, huh?
Anyway, so when that cell door closed, the tangent was better than the original story.
I hated that.
It was a really alarming feeling I've never felt before.
Primal kind of a wrong.
But then it was fun.
And there was so many.
It made me tell my son, I want you to become a cop because I know being a cop is hard, but you get up to detective pretty quick if you just work hard on the test.
You can move up pretty fast, MIPD.
And he's not a white male.
He's got an Indian name.
So I'm sure they're dying to get their Indian box checked off.
But they're in there and this woman comes by and she goes, where the fuck are the NC4s?
Or whatever.
And she was, I'm going to say an 8.2.
You know, like Brooklyn Broads who were born and raised there, they look like Lonnie Anderson in WKRP and they work so hard on their hair and they're happy to show off their tits and they wear high-heel shoes.
Like everyone says King of Queens is unrealistic because that big fat pig has way too hot of a chick.
That's not the way it works in Queens and Brooklyn and the Bronx.
The women work on themselves.
They're not like these soccer moms with short hair bobs and skechers on and Lululemons.
Like they actually try to look like a woman even when they're 55.
So anyway, she comes out looking so fucking hot that I actually smashed one of the bars on my holding cell with my dick inadvertently and bent the steel.
I could have escaped.
What?
No feet.
That's easy.
No, it was iron bars, dude.
You could hear as my dick hit it.
No, it was iron.
That is tougher.
You heard as my dick hit it, and then you heard.
It sounded like a Transformer being put down.
You're a rusty Transformer.
Sorry.
It's like an old Transformer lady.
You had a good run.
That'd be funny if Transformers got old.
They had gray hair.
Anyway, So she leaves and she chastises them for not having some dumb form ready.
And then they look at each other after she leaves and they go, tell you what, if that's what affirmative action is going to give us, bosses that look like that, I'm all for it.
Oh, wow.
That was a fun quip and they're all laughing because she was insanely hot.
And then there's this other, there was this black guy there, a black detective, and there had been a shooting and the other two detectives are going, so what happened now?
They shot him in the club outside, shot him in the back of the head.
And did you get any witnesses?
Well, I have numbers of people who are at the club and regulars at the club who likely saw it, but no one was talking that night.
And the other guys are just like, yeah, you're fucked.
I don't envy you, my friend.
You're not getting nothing out of that.
And he was just sort of like, like looking at his paperwork, knowing they're probably right.
I just thought, what a fun repartee they have, joking about chicks.
And they're coming over to me.
So what happened?
You head-butted this guy?
I go, I don't know what you're talking about, sir.
Allegedly, I blah, blah, blah.
Like, here, you can use your phone.
They give me my phone.
I make some calls.
I was actually on the rocks with Emily at the time, my wife.
Excuse me.
Sorry for these disgusting sounds.
And she wasn't speaking to me for that sort of like, Roxanne, come on, one of you.
I love you.
Oh, one of those things.
And she got word Gavin's in jail, which is a great way to get your girlfriend back.
Johnny Knoxville told me that once.
He said, if you ever get caught cheating and your wife's really mad, hurt yourself.
Like, not on purpose.
I mean, not obviously on purpose, but fall out of the bed and like cut your toe or something.
And go, ah, oh, shit, ow.
And then the attention gets switched to that.
I don't know.
I'm not telling you it works.
I'm just saying.
Oh, it's on the name dropping episode.
Yes.
Oh, yeah.
You guys dropped some names today here.
Oh, my God.
Sarah Silverman, Tommy Lee, Jeff Tremaine, Johnny Knoxville, David Cross, as I always do.
It's on the bingo card.
And there was another funny quip in that room.
Something about a gun.
Anyway, I was free to go, and I almost didn't want to.
Especially now that the door was open and I could relax about that weird vibe.
But camaraderie among cops is enviable.
Even after they're done, even when they're retired.
They're just good people because they've seen shit.
Yeah, that kind of makes you, it puts shit in perspective.
You don't argue about cookies and stupid shit because you're too busy trying to survive.
I think the farthest you get from survival, probably the farthest you get to be shitty.
Why are they all divorced, though?
Cops?
Yeah.
I probably can't relate.
It's like PTSD type stuff.
It's like they can't.
And they probably get laid a lot.
But then how do the wives find out?
I heard that the Manhattan Precinct, Times Square, whatever that code is, is a synonym for divorce.
Like, oh, you're in 3349?
All right.
Get out of here.
Say goodbye to your wedding ring.
Because apparently these Irish tourist chicks will just come up to you and it'll say the Marriott room 306.
They'll just hand you a piece of paper that says that.
What?
Because they're on vacation.
They're horny.
They want to fuck a New Yorker, but they don't want STDs.
They don't want to get raped.
They don't want to get robbed.
So they figure, well, a cop's going to.
What fun is that?
Take all the fucking juice out of the pineapple without taking a bite.
All right, we got to go.
Oh, another question, though.
What about gay sex in Brunei?
Where the sex isn't gay as in homosexual, it's just gay.
Like the way we use the word gay.
You're kissing too much.
Or you're fucking, or you're like, I love you so much.
Or she's blowing you and you put your hands behind your head.
So your heels are on the bed, your hands are behind your head, and then you push your pelvis up, up high.
So you're shaped like the letter C or like a horseshoe.
So your penis is way up, and she's sort of jerking you off, going, what?
And Jiz is just shooting through the air like the 4th of July.
And you just go, oh!
Oh, yes.
Yeah, that's problematic.
That's gay sex.
Or what if you're eating her out and you're just like, and you just go, you start crying because you love her so much.
And you're just like, oh, I can't do this.
Oh, God, I love you so much.
Oh, I love you so much.
My angel, I love you.
Or you, I love you.
I love this woman.
Like when Tom Cruise was jumping on the couch for Oprah or for Katie Holmes or whatever, you just scream into her cunt, I love you.
You jump on her cunt's couch.
I'm a mustard of my life.
That's gay.
Yeah.
Or if after the sex, you lie in the nape of her shoulder just above her left boob and you sort of snuggle like that John Lennon and Yoko Ono picture where his leg, his nude butt is there, and his leg is over her waist.
That's pretty gay.
A little bit.
A little bit.
Should we bury that guy and throw stones at him to death?
Obviously, John Hinkley thought so and flew from Hawaii to blow his head off.
Who that?
John Lennon.
Was he killed by John Hinkley?
Probably.
Well, then don't look it up.
Suki Chung, woman here on, well, It is John Hinkley.
Suki Chung.
Take, whoever that is.
I bet she's British.
Something about Suki Chung just makes me think British.
Shocking new penal code will take Brunei back to the dark ages when it comes to human rights.
The penal code allows for cruel and inhumane, inhuman, she says, punishments, including stoning to death for consensual same-sex activity.
What if lesbians scissor?
Hey, lesbians, if you get caught scissoring, Come on.
You got to do a better job.
Yeah, just cut it out.
I was sleeping at my friend's house.
Her cunt was itchy.
And I was eating a burrito, so my hands were full.
What am I supposed to do?
I scratched a pussy with my fanny.
Fanny.
That is so silly.
That's so weird.
Okay, that's enough.
Go to nohate.com for some fun videos, including...
Should we just play a little teaser of it?
Yeah.
Let's just play a little teaser.
Miles has got a video coming up about that.
Defendgavin.com is going wonderful.
Let's let them talk.
...to the dead trees in the park and asking them if they had ever done any of this kind of work.
Just pause for a second here.
Just to give it some context.
Her and her friend have invented this way to prevent cancer and stress, and it's by pulling, sort of using mime rope technique, pulling trauma strains out of your body, and they go back generations.
And one of her pet peeves is that trees don't do it.
And so she, in this recording, she's chastising a tree, yes, a fucking tree, for not practicing her crazy New Age medicine.
By the way, trees don't have, trees can't move their arms like that.
What's a tree supposed to do?
Lay off them.
Like, you'd be better off yelling at a cat for it.
All right, now you can let her talk.
Kind of like vaguely.
Kind of vaguely.
Vaguely.
And are you aware that all those dead trees, and granted, it's only a sampling of maybe 20 or so dead trees so far, but so far out of 20, none of them, zero, have used this practice.
So she's scolding?
Yeah, she's saying, look, there's tons of dead trees I've spoken to in the park.
None of them use this practice.
Clearly, they died from not using this practice.
You should try it.
And maybe the tree was like, bitch, I'm on your side.
I agree.
Let's do it.
But she couldn't hear him.
So yeah, nohate.com.
We're going to have some more stuff on this site soon.
I mean, sorry, launching the new show very soon.
That's coming sooner than later.
We've got the copper cab fight coming up.
I'll keep you posted on that.
Been filming some 30 for 30 stuff showing you the two champs prepare for this battle to the death.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
And DefendGavin.com could not be going better.
We had Morris Dees, the founder, fired for being a racist creep.
We have Richard Cohen, who called me an asshole and said, good, I'm glad he's suing me.
He quits soon after I sue him.
We have the head of legal look at the complaint and go, this is a mess.
What the fuck are we doing here?
And she quits.
And so they pull in Tina Chen, Michelle Obama's chief of staff, to be the new face of the new SPLC.
And what do we find out?
That she's involved in this Jussie Smollett shit show.
So now she's tainted goods.
I mean, the pendulum is swinging back to absurd proportions now.
I feel like the golden child.
And that's basically that.
I'm just going to sit here and Google image Vince Neal.
He's put on a lot of weight, probably because he's American Indian.
And I'll see you next week.
Oh, wait, one more thing.
Don't forget to check out my YouTube page.
I think you can find it by going to the Gavin 2000 because you'll see a lot of different pages.
But mine is the one that has new footage every, God, I'm really good at this.
Every day.
Every day.
Monday through Thursday.
Yeah, we have one coming out right now.
We're loading as we speak about how Saturday Night Fever is racist.
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