Get Off My Lawn Podcast #123 | Here are 10 tips for young men
1- BE CHEAP: Don’t go out with tons of people for a huge dinner. 2- TAKE ABUSE: You’re not going to make money for the first two years of doing a thing. Get over it. 3- BE FUNN: When courting a lady, focus on having a good time, not getting laid. 4- WEAR CLASSICS: If you’re not into fashion, stick to classics like Chuck Taylors. 5- DON’T FIGHT: If you need to get into a fight, keep it as short as possible. 6- DON’T EAT: Food is for pussies. 7- PARTY RIGHT: Follow the D.O.W.N.E.R. rules. 8- CLEAN YOUR ROOM: The road to improvement starts small. 9- QUIT PORN: Get off the couch. 10- FAMILY FIRST: Make good with your parents and siblings.
I'm basing this on Charles Murray's incredible book, The Curmudgeon's Guide to Getting Ahead, which should just be, the government should just print them out like Bibles and give them to every man who graduates high school.
Actually, every man who turns 18.
Fuck school.
Fuck school, fuck school, fuck my high school.
Number one.
Don't eat in a group of more than four.
Like, go out to eat.
If you have a Super Bowl party, you can have a bunch of people over.
I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about the bill.
I cannot tell you how many times I've sat down with a group of six who think that they become Bernie Bros all of a sudden, and they think the government's gonna pay for everything.
And the next thing you know, they're ordering fucking wings, and they're ordering margaritas, and then the bill comes and it's 320 bucks, and then everyone pitches in, and everyone ends up with, uh, you know, inevitably the bill, when you count all the money that everyone put in, you're 120 bucks short.
It's the same with karaoke.
Karaoke's much trickier.
When you rent a room.
Because people go, I didn't even sing a fucking song.
Why would I pay?
Because you're part of the group.
Here's, now this is when we get into the weeds.
Like, uh, people in AA.
They don't think they should have to pay.
And I understand.
My maker's marks are 12 bucks each.
I added a lot to the bill.
But civilized people just split the bill.
And people who don't drink take the maker's hit.
If you don't like it, don't eat in a group.
And as I started out this podcast, don't eat in a group.
Even as adults, even as 48-year-olds.
I mean, we have friends now, like couple friends, and our kids are friends.
So now we're up to nine people.
And I'll take the bill sometimes, and it'll be $420.
And I'll go, tabernacle to call this.
C'est pas ma chair, ça.
But then he'll get me next time.
So that's like living on the edge.
That's like high stakes gambling.
That's those guys with the $25,000 chips.
I'm not suggesting you join our club.
But I managed to make it work with this one couple.
Because it evens out over time.
But that's crazy shit.
Like my bank account's nothing, and then I'm a billionaire.
Then my bank account's nothing, then I'm a billionaire.
Don't join this club.
But yeah, say there's a big table of people.
Don't get involved.
Or these stupid birthday parties where everyone meets at some Mexican restaurant and you just look down and it looks like something out of Game of Thrones.
There's just 12 people on that side, 12 people on this side.
Unless she's heir to the Tommy Hilfiger throne and she's covering it, don't go to that!
You're gonna be short.
I'll never forget this story.
Her name's Amy Gartrell.
I'm calling her out.
She's an artist, New York artist.
And this is when I learned this.
I was maybe 29 in New York City.
And it was one of those stupid, gigantic dinners.
And then we're all getting the bill.
And I put in a crazy amount, like a hundred bucks.
And all I had is a margarita and maybe a stupid little taco.
And I said to her, wait a minute, you only put in eight bucks?
And she goes, yeah, meanwhile it was, you know, $23 per person would have been reasonable.
And I go, but you had a whole burrito meal and then you had two margaritas.
And she goes, no, I only had one margarita.
And I go, those are like 12 bucks.
She goes, yeah, but I only had eight.
I just ordered a Reese Mobile.
Isn't that communism in a nutshell?
These socialists, they go, I wasn't greedy.
I just took what I deserve.
I deserve a margarita at an expensive Mexican restaurant and a burrito dinner.
The rest of you can pay for me.
Perfect example of AOC.
There she was in flesh and blood.
Now the karaoke thing I alluded to earlier is much more complicated.
I suggest What you do is everyone who walks in, it's almost like a, so I'm talking about when you rent a room.
Those rooms can be 250 bucks.
So just every time someone walks in, hey man, it's 20 bucks.
And then if they don't want to come, then don't come.
You can't come in the room.
There's a cover charge.
You basically rented a restaurant that has open bar and you're charging at the front.
You might get money, have money left over.
God bless your cotton socks if you do.
So, I guess the big picture here is understand that there's going to be a bill.
And this is normal for Gen Xers like myself.
Millennials don't understand this.
Millennials do a job and then they go, hey man, can you do this for me?
Can you pay me back?
I did a bunch of stuff.
Like I had an intern at Rooster when we had the ad agency and after working there for about six months, he submitted a bill.
And I go, dude, you're an intern.
You're here for free.
And by the way, you're not a great deal, interns, because you're constantly explaining stuff to them and training them.
And that is a pain in the ass.
You're getting free college from me.
And yeah, you have to take out the garbage.
I also show you how to edit in Premiere.
So it's usually easier for me just to do the job myself.
Fucking interns.
But yeah, millennials need to stop and go, okay, this is a project I want to do.
Hey person with the money, let's do this project and is that okay with you?
Like the analogy I used to use is, say someone comes to your home when you're away on vacation and paints your house gold with gold paint.
And then they go, hey man, the gold paint alone is usually like four grand.
I'm only asking for three grand.
Yeah, but I didn't want my house painted gold.
You're not helping me out.
You think you're giving me a thousand bucks in favors.
No, you're not.
You're giving me a $3,000 bill I wouldn't normally have.
So just keep it to yourself.
And I gotta say, when I first moved to New York, I was coming from Canada.
This is in 99 and I had this sort of British thing where you always buy rounds and every time you go to the bar you go, you alright?
You alright?
And I would do that, and then I noticed I would never get buybacks.
I'd be buying pints for people, and they would never buy me a pint.
Which is not the Scottish way.
In Scotland, they do it to a fault.
You all right, pal?
You all right?
What you having there?
I don't know, tenants' lager?
Tenants?
That's a woman's pint!
Here, I'm gonna give you a Caledonian 80!
And then he comes back with another fucking pint.
You already have a pint.
I'm sick of being overfed beer.
I woke up this morning, after working out like crazy, all kinds of abs, sit-ups and shit, and I'm getting fatter every day.
I'm turning into Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka, where she becomes that giant blueberry.
And it's because every time I go out, the bartenders, like the second you're in your bottom 20%, they go, you all right?
You want another?
Sometimes they grab it and fill it back up again.
That one's on the house.
I don't want it on the house.
I would like to finish my beer and maybe even have a good 30 seconds to a minute of just, whew, that was a lot of bubbles.
So say you're at a bar, um, and there's a bunch of people there and they say, Hey, let's all get a table.
Say no.
Stay at the bar and do that thing that I didn't like about Americans when I first moved here and I now like.
I'm buying my own shit with my own money.
If you want to put a card behind the bar, fine.
Don't tell other people, hey, it's under McInnes.
Don't do that.
You have your bar.
I don't recommend, by the way, putting your card behind the bar because you're going to get wasted and you're going to forget it there, which is a huge pain in the ass.
Actually, that brings me to 1B, which is use cash at all times.
A?
This is B?
1BA.
1BA.
It's a pain in the ass for the bartenders to get their tips from the credit cards.
1BB.
It takes a while to put the credit card through.
It's a pain in the ass.
Can we just deal with cash, please?
1BC.
When you start using cash, you realize how much fucking money you're spending, and you see 120 bucks go brrp.
Especially in New York City, where, as someone explained to me when I first moved here, you get off the bus, the bus station, I was poor back then, so we took the bus.
You walk home, you might get a slice of pizza on the way home, you don't buy anything, you don't go to a bar, you open your front door, you look in your wallet, 25 bucks is gone.
That's just the way it works here.
It's like when you're scuba diving, you have a tank and just swimming around, your tank just starts going down until you look at your little meter and you better get up fast.
Not too fast, you don't wanna get the bends, but you better get up.
So use cash.
Take out a lot of money when you go to the bank.
Take out 200 bucks and make that last.
This is one, so that's my one B, A to C. Now here's one C. If you are broke, buy a flask, fill that up with booze that you bought at home.
If you have expensive tastes like me, unfortunately you have Maker's Mark, but you bought that in bulk, so you have the big, huge $70 bottle.
Fill that with the flask.
Fill your flask with that.
Keep that in your breast pocket.
And then go to the bar and just nurse a Budweiser for the longest time ever.
And every time you go piss, have a swig of your whiskey.
Now you have a great buzz, and if you're really good, you can keep it down to maybe two pints.
For the whole night.
Maybe three.
That is my advice on keeping money intact.
And also, Before you buy something, I think there's a list of five.
I forget exactly what they are, but they're like, do I need this?
Actually, I should look that up.
Do I need it?
Can I afford it?
Is it a good deal?
These are all questions.
Uh, Oh, this is all stuff.
If you can, how much you can spend on a home.
So that's not good.
Now, there's a list of criteria out there.
Like, say you want to buy a pair of sneakers.
You got it?
I have questions to ask before you buy something.
All right.
One, can I really afford it?
Ryan, you should print this out and get it tattooed on your chest.
No, have it tattooed on the inside of your eyelids.
Yes.
Can I really afford it?
No, you can't.
And how do you determine if you can afford something?
Well, you can't take the train the day before you get your paycheck.
You have no groceries in the house the day before you get your paycheck.
So no, you can't afford anything.
I said this in the last show, you should have a baseline of like 300 bucks.
That's your zero.
The fact that people go below... 300 is the same as zero.
I remember living with junkies, and they do things like sell their bike.
And I go, you're just gonna be broke again in a couple weeks or a week, and then you'll have no bike.
Don't sell shit.
Don't sell your records.
Never sell anything, actually.
This whole idea that you're gonna make some money selling some things around the house is stupid.
Keep everything.
And if it's really garbage, throw it out.
Number two, what will I do with it?
If you haven't used it in a year, it's garbage.
Let it go.
I mean, snowshoes might be an exception.
But basically, you've got too much clutter in your life.
Now, I do make an exception with books.
I like to keep all my books, because I write notes in the books, and I have this pipe dream that my kids will be interested in them, and they can read them, and then they'll see dad's notes down the margin.
It's probably not going to happen.
But that's my one exception with clutter.
And when you overbuy, you buy a lot of fucking clutter.
Like, how many hats do you have?
Why do you need more than maybe two baseball hats and one winter toque, as we call them in Canada?
Number three, how often will I use it?
I already covered that.
You better use it at least once a year.
Go down to number four.
What are you doing right now?
Doodling.
Do I really even want it?
Yeah, that's a good question.
Because sometimes you'll buy something because other people are buying something, like yesterday when Ryan bought that Carhartt hat, just because my brother and I were buying boots.
I've always wanted one.
You always wanted a Carhartt hat.
Yeah, and it's hard to find them.
And I was in heaven, I went in there, there's just tons of Carhartts.
So I bought two hats.
You already have hats.
Yeah, but not a Carhartt hat.
And you're broke.
Yes.
And you spend, what is it, $50 a day on trains?
Yep.
That's a great idea.
And number five, can I borrow it?
Yes.
That's another good one.
Especially if it's a weird thing, like a snowboard, that you're not going to use.
I cannot say enough about renting.
I'm worried this is getting boring.
This is getting a little old for you.
I said young men, don't buy a house.
Rent a house.
People, young people worry about their credit.
Fuck your credit.
You're never gonna buy a house.
You're always gonna be broke.
If you have $200,000 in student debt, look in the mirror right now and say, fuck my credit, declare bankruptcy, I'm never going to own a home.
I promise you, if you have 200 grand in debt, you're never going to buy a home.
All right?
All right.
Now, just kept your money in your bank.
And always have a job.
And never quit.
Never quit a job before you have a new job.
Never just go, this job sucks, fuck it.
Think of the jobs as moving trains.
And you don't jump off a train unless there's another train on the tracks next to you that's also going in the same direction.
I see so many people just go, you know what, I'm not happy.
And they just jump off the train and hit the ground.
You also...
As a young person have to understand that no one makes money for the first two years.
You know, your boss that owns that company, he didn't make money for the first two years.
He took out the garbage.
He did all the shit.
So you're not going to make money.
I was talking to a high school student, my friend's kid the other day, and he's making these YouTube videos.
And he says, you got any ideas?
And I said, yeah, you should do this and that and make this kind of video.
Make sure it has, you know, universal appeal.
Don't be too parochial.
Don't be too specific.
You know, like how to eat a hamburger or something like that?
And he goes, yeah, but how do I make money on that?
And I said, dude, you're making YouTube videos.
Say goodbye to two years.
Basically, don't expect your first 200 videos to make money.
And you better do a lot, and they better have mass appeal, and they better be funny, and you better be charming.
And then you can start thinking about making money.
So, you know, entrepreneurs and interns and employees all have the same problem.
You're not going to make money at the beginning.
And a good example of this is cameramen.
The guys who shoot movies.
I know a guy, I edited his book, and it was called... Shit!
What was it called?
How to Become a Millionaire?
How to Make a Million Dollars?
Um, uh, or what was it?
A fighting book?
Shit.
Anyway, I'll dig it up.
His name was Kennedy.
But he was a cameraman.
He films movies with Tom Cruise and that kind of stuff now.
But he went through hell as a cameraman's apprentice or whatever you want to call it.
Assistant DP.
Director of Photography.
And they would make you go to Manhattan and get a latte from this one place even though you're shooting in Brooklyn and it would be a 45 minute commute and then they'd get there and the latte would be cold and they'd spit it in his face and throw it on the ground.
That's life.
That's, you do that for two years, take brutal abuse, and eventually you're ready.
Now I have to find that book.
Knockout!
That's what it's called.
Knockout, a manual for success, my million dollar shift.
He was about $400,000 in debt and then he made $600,000.
So he was initially going to call it How to Make Half a Million Dollars.
I said, no dude, you made a million.
So call it a million dollar.
How to Make a Million Dollars.
He changed it to Million Dollar Shift.
But, um, in that book he talks about being a cameraman and then he eventually made it.
But, you know, the hazing is healthy.
Hazing is good.
And the hazing is, look, cameramen make, um, uh, uh, they make good money, but they have to work 12 hours a day, sometimes for two months.
So if you're a pussy who needs a day off all the time, you need some mental health time, or you hate being outside in the freezing cold all night long, then it's not the job for you.
So it's a way to weed people out.
You know, that's the beauty of the military.
That's what I like about frats.
Hazing is important.
And hazing is good, like, even when I shit on Ryan all the time.
I'm trying to make him a better person.
It's not like I'm mean.
I like it.
I hear complaints about people complaining about similar things.
I'm like, whatever, dude.
Yeah, they're pussies.
My dad was constantly on my ass.
And that's why, you know, the Puerto Ricans in my old neighborhood in Williamsburg, I'd walk by the window and I'd see them getting their pedicures, getting their mani-pedi.
And I'd think, that's someone without a dad.
Or in the Dominicans up there in Washington Heights, who are lining up for a haircut.
You had a haircut three days ago!
Haircuts are such an important part of the culture in Washington Heights.
There's two barbershops on every block, and there's a lineup from 10 a.m.
to 10 p.m.
of guys just getting their fades redone.
Meanwhile, their fades are perfect.
A dad wouldn't allow that.
A dad would go, what'd you do today, son?
I lined up, I got a mani-pedi, I looked like shit, you should have seen my toes.
And then I, like gays don't even do that.
Gays get a haircut once every three weeks.
And that whole, that thing on the train where it's like, hey man, sorry to bother you.
And he's playing a guitar.
You know the shuttle that goes from Times Square to Grand Central?
And there's that guy with the guitar going, hey, I wanna know.
And he's singing some fucking major pop hit.
And then he asks for money at the end.
Your dad wouldn't allow you to do that.
Dads provide valid shame.
Or more importantly, dads provide pride.
And when you have pride, you don't get your toes did.
So, uh, uh, yeah, that's, I think we're done with money now, right?
You gotta, you gotta eat shit for a while.
And hazing is part of life.
It's actually benevolent.
Although, Jesus Lord in heaven above, my brother told me these stories the other day.
We were drinking booze and, uh, we were talking about camp and he goes, yeah, I fucking hated camp when I was 10.
And I said, why?
The amount of abuse he got is, if it happened today, it would be national news.
You ready for these things that happen to him at camp?
Thing one.
He's at a sleepaway camp for two weeks.
Day two, they roll out some luggage, and all the kids have been called in, all these 10-year-olds.
They roll in some luggage.
Do you know this story, Ryan?
Yeah, he told it yesterday at the bar.
So, he's looking there, and he goes, hey, that's my bags.
Huh, that's weird.
Why are they rolling out my luggage?
And the counselors, who are about 14, pull out an industrial-sized tub of Vaseline.
A life supply of Vaseline.
Take your computer to monitor right now.
Imagine that was a cube.
Fill that with Vaseline.
Stick a Vaseline sticker on it.
That's what they pulled out of his bag.
And they said, we found this in one of the kid's bags.
This guy's obviously a chronic masturbator.
We want to tell you that masturbating is wrong.
Now, if I were to do that to Ryan on a camping trip, that would be funny and everyone would laugh.
But this wasn't funny.
And my brother, my poor little brother, he was pretty shy at that age too, was mortified.
In a way, he was kind of an abandoned child because He, I was 14 when he was born, and then I moved out four years later, so as a four-year-old, his dad, in quotation marks, left.
Now, my dad was a great dad, but when you have a brother that's 14 years younger, you kind of have two dads and a mom.
And I would play with him all the time, and then one day, poof, I was gone.
So I was worried if that made him so shy and kind of disturbed.
But anyway, everyone's laughing at him.
Ha ha ha, you loser!
And I remember masturbation when you're 10.
You don't know what it is, but you know it's fucking gross, and it's for losers.
It's worse than being gay.
It's just like a horrible thing that you've heard of, and you will swear to God you will never ever do, But holy shit, anyone who does it, they're worse than going to hell.
It's like killing your mother and masturbating are the same thing.
And by the way, me and my brother have foreskins.
We don't need lube.
There's a hole in the plot right there.
Not that he was masturbating at the age of 10.
So they start laughing at him.
From that day forward, for the next two weeks, and this is day two, he is beyond pariah status, leper.
He's a leper.
They sing songs around the campfire.
He doesn't even sit in the circle.
He's sort of off at the edge like the elephant man.
He was the elephant man the whole time.
One time he's sleeping in a tent with a guy and as he's sleeping the guy punches him in the dick and says, you better not try to masturbate me.
So Kyle slept outside on the grass.
And the counselors didn't give a shit.
They knew this was going on.
I don't know if they thought it was funny or if this was considered hazing or what but they didn't know my brother well enough to justify this the most intense hazing imaginable.
So he lived in hell and then he came home and told my parents and I think they thought he was kidding.
I was 24 at the time.
I would have loved to go find those fuckers.
What about the one where they armed, they had a Down Syndrome?
That's another year!
So the next year, it's the same 14 year olds, they're 15 now and he's 11, and they, he's still ostracized, they set him up in a two-man tent with this kid with Down Syndrome, and one night he sees the kid with the Down Syndrome waving the knife back and forth.
And there's no way that that kid would have normally got that knife.
And he wasn't a violent kid.
He's just a special needs kid.
And he goes, he's sitting there going, Jerry, Jerry, put the knife down, put the knife down, calm down, calm down.
And this kid's like, he thinks the counselors gave the kid the knife.
So that's two years of hell, right?
And then he went to hockey camp that was just a day camp.
This is maybe when he was 12.
And I know what you're thinking when you hear all this.
You go, well Gavin doesn't have the full story.
His brother's probably a psycho that messes with people.
Look, I know my brother very well, clearly.
I was the first one who held him when he was born.
I know the guy.
He's been in a lot of fights, but they were always in self-defense or helping someone out in trouble.
He can fight, but he's not a violent person at all.
Not a malicious bone in his body.
Very nice, groovy guy.
Everything's easygoing.
Doesn't want trouble.
One of those kind of guys.
He's not into playing devil's advocate or messing with people.
He's not evil like me.
So he's at hockey camp and some guy just decides he hates his guts.
It might have been because he was so shy he seemed like a good victim.
And those kind of people, you know, they draw out the malicious sadists who want to see someone suffer and not get beat up for it.
When I said he fights, I was talking about in his teen years.
This is in his early days, there was no, none of that.
So anyway, he's in the water swimming, and he feels this guy grab him and sort of push him down under, and then he's in the shallow end.
The guy has his foot on my brother's neck!
And he goes, this is the closest I ever came to dying in my life.
And so he's felt himself starting to black out, and it was going from uh-oh to, you know, serenity.
And so he bit the guy's foot, He gets out of the water, the guy punches him in the back of the head as he walks away.
So my poor petrified brother, I guess he's 12 at this time, he's sitting there going, this guy's gonna try to kill me.
Well, he is!
And you know, there are, it's mind-bogglingly rare, but there are examples of kids killing kids.
So he goes, this is one of those weird examples of a kid that's gonna kill a kid.
My buddy Trevor Coles, when I was I think 13, was murdered by a fellow kid.
Drowned in our little creek by this Nepean sportsplex.
This would be 1983.
Anyway, my brother goes, I have to kill him.
He's going to kill me.
So when you play hockey, there's only one spot that's really vulnerable and it's behind your knees.
So my brother on the rink comes up behind him and just with all the power of almighty Thor, he just...
Smashes the back of this guy's knees probably severs tendons just destroys The guy's knees and he had to leave the camp after that he never came back and the counselors didn't give him shit again These are different counselors than the Vaseline guys though.
That was Boy Scouts.
This is hockey camp I think they knew that kid was a fucked up little sadist so they didn't persecute my brother but My brother was known as the violent weirdo who murders people for the rest of the camp, so they totally avoided him like the plague.
So, that's three years of camp, two of them sleep away, one of them day camp, and he was an unspeakable pariah elephant man leper for all three.
Poor bastard.
So that's hazing gone too far.
But I think some ribbing, like in the old days with the kitchen industry, you would get verbally abused, that was a given, but they'd also do things like lock you in the freezer.
And they don't do that anymore.
And that was a good lesson, the locked in the freezer.
It was showing chefs that their job sucks.
It's hell.
And there's times when you're, I think they call it in the juice, whatever the lunch rush is called.
In a rush where it's hell so you need to be that's why they're all cocaine addicts you need to be on your game and part of that is roughing people up you know you can't do in the military anymore even the Knights of Columbus I have to tread lightly because we're not allowed to talk about what goes on at our meetups but um there's three there's four degrees in the Knights of Columbus and the first degree I think is fraternity And the ceremony for, oh no, the first degree is an easy one.
I think it's the third degree that's the heavy one.
And the ceremony for the third degree, suffice to say, it was a lot more dangerous 15 years ago than it is now.
If you're a third degree knight, we can talk about it if I ever meet you.
You're not only allowed to talk about things to other knights that are in your same degree.
And I love meeting third degree knights, because I love bitching and moaning about What's happened in that ceremony?
And it's political correctness infecting everything.
All right, so what was that now?
Number one was don't eat in a group.
Number two was take a lot of shit.
And I included booze and all kinds of stuff in there.
Let's jump to be fun.
This is actually how to pick up chicks.
The way you get laid as a young man is you basically be gay.
Now there is a time when you have to turn it on and make it clear you want to fuck her or you're going to end up in the friend zone.
Don't do that at the beginning, but don't do that at your apartment.
The worst thing you can do is get a girl back to your apartment on the auspices of friendship where you're like, hey, want to smoke a giant?
And pretend you're her buddy and then you have to do that weird thing where you're both sitting on the couch and you go, yeah.
Well, that's the way it is.
You slowly turn your head towards her.
You meet eyes and then you slowly lunge forward.
Pucker your lips and then she retracts her head like a turtle going back into its shell.
And she goes, yeah.
And that's fucking embarrassing.
And the only way to get out of that is some sort of joke like I was kidding.
I didn't did not want to kiss you at all.
So I'm glad I'm glad that didn't work out.
That's your only hope there.
So here's my pickup artist tips.
At the very beginning of the courtship, just make it fun.
Hey, what are you doing?
Oh, I'm out with a bunch of buddies.
Oh, you should come over here.
Be with people.
Be doing fun stuff.
Yeah, you should come over.
Yeah, the Jane's Addiction are doing a surprise concert here.
It's like a weird reunion.
It's fun.
You should come over.
I don't care if you don't, though, because I got my own shit going on.
I'm having so much fun.
And then after maybe a couple beers, you can say, Oh my God, you are so fucking hot.
It's insane.
What's it like?
I want to be as hot as you.
You're so hot.
I'm jealous because you walk into a room and every man must feel like I feel right now where you just want to marry her.
I couldn't imagine me walking into a room and a bunch of women going, Oh my God, look at that fucking guy.
I want him so bad.
That's funny.
So now you've made it clear that you want her.
So then if she, you go, Hey, let's share a cab.
And then you want to come up and smoke a joint or whatever.
Uh, now it's already been established that you want her.
So when you do that first sort of, it's the same guy that was at the bar.
You've made it very clear where you're coming from, but don't make that clear out of the gate.
And At the very initial courtship, it's just about, you're a fun guy looking for a pal.
And guys can be there, girls can be there, I don't care.
I'm just Johnny Fun Pants.
Meanwhile, you're lying.
I once met an enforcer for a loan shark in Montreal.
He was a Russian guy.
He's in prison now for double homicide.
But his advice was, I've told this story a million times, but I love it.
He goes, yes, when you're liking girl and she treats you like shit, she say, you know, you have dinner plans.
And she goes, oh, I can't make it.
And you say, no problem, everything is fine, you know.
She come over, she late, she cancel things.
Maybe she come over and you try to kiss her and she say she's on period and she's not in the mood.
You say, no problem, and you rent movie.
Everything's cool.
Maybe sometime, you know, you see her at bar and she's talking to another guy.
And you say, oh well, I'll catch you later.
You know, that keeps going on.
I'm making him sound like he's 110.
Yeah.
He was.
That's how wise he was.
And then, you know, eventually you talk to this girl and you make love and she's starting to take it serious.
And then one day she will look at you and she will say, I love you.
And the second she does that, you turn that bitch over, and you fuck her in the ass, and you punish her for the bullshit she put you through!
Wow.
That's a little hyperbolic, but I get his premise.
I get his general idea.
It's actually the same with intercourse.
You know, like cunnilingus.
You want to take it easy, nice and slow.
It's very difficult, cunnilingus.
You want to take it slow and, you know, not be a pig at the trough.
I wrote the Vice Guide to Eating Pussy.
You can look that up.
Makes me feel uncomfortable to discuss now for some reason.
So that's number three.
Be fun.
Now, number four.
Wear classics.
Now here is my fashion advice.
I understand if you're not a homo like me and you don't love shopping and you don't like coming up with an idea for a new look, I'm going to be like Johnny Cash guy this winter.
I'm going to wear all blacks.
And that's what I, about every five years I go, you know what?
I'm going to just wear black all the time now.
Yeah.
Like a black dress shirt and a black corduroy blazer and black jeans and black boots.
I'm going to be black guy.
And then I look down and I see beard dandruff that makes it look like I'm wearing a actually a gray shirt and not a black shirt.
And that's when I go, Oh yeah, that's why I'm not black guy.
Cause it makes your dandruff very visible.
And then you abandon that, but you don't have dandruff.
So if you're not a complete homosexual, like I am when it comes to fashion, that's totally normal, totally reasonable.
I get it.
I'm not a pro skateboarder.
That's not my bag.
I don't know anything about sports except for a little bit about the Mets.
I don't get involved in that.
You guys want to talk about sports and who got traded?
I'll just quietly sit back and relax.
But if you are one of those dudes, go with the classics.
Go with the basics.
Go with the tried and tested things.
Like, for example, if you're at a restaurant and you don't know what to order, you get a cheeseburger, medium rare, cheddar cheese.
Lettuce and tomato, please.
Boom.
That's what you should eat if you don't know what to eat.
And if you don't know what to wear, then you start with the shoes, because the shoes make the man.
And you have Chuck Taylors.
Now, you can't have any color but white after the age of 27.
Like, black chucks on a 32-year-old are downright embarrassing.
What, do you shop at the CBGB store?
Are you in the Ramones?
No.
You're an old man.
It's like having a band on your shirt.
No one gives a shit what music you listen to.
Don't have anything on your shirt after 25.
I care what a 20-year-old wants to listen to.
I might want to look it up.
Who's this, uh... Who's this Lil Xan everyone's talking about?
Oh, that's interesting.
What's that called?
Xanax rap?
Oh, cute.
But no one wants to hear what I like to listen to.
I like to listen to a band called The Rolling Stones.
Want to hear about it?
No!
So for shoes, for sneakers, you got Chuck Taylors, you got Vans Eras, you have the classic Air Jordans, which are probably too expensive for you.
You have Clark's Desert Boots, just the classic ones, nothing fancy.
You want to go crazy, you can get some Rod Lavers.
Do not wear shell toes, you're not in Run DMC.
As far as boots go, you have Red Wings with the white sole, the black ones.
Maybe brown ones if you're really square, but no one loves you if you got brown shoes.
Here's a song by Dr. Nemetics, and it's true.
That Red Wing makes great shoes now that have those same white soles.
You can get the sole replaced every year, because they tend to go down pretty fast.
It takes them about a year to break in.
Then stop!
Oh, and then for shoes!
Okay, for dress shoes, this is a biggie.
J.Crew has these wingtips that are $350, which sounds mental, and I can hear you saying fuck you right through the podcast right now.
Those shoes will last you for the rest of your life.
You go get them shined, they're brand new.
The sole will wear out every couple years.
It's barely a hundred bucks to have a sole replaced.
Usually it's about eighty bucks.
And now you have one pair of shoes for life.
That's your dress shoes.
Don't wear Ryan's stupid square-toed shoes.
They make you look like a mess head who got arrested for drunk driving and is trying to get his life together.
I don't like those shoes.
Where did you get those shoes, Aldo?
Well, it was for my restaurant job, so they were getting all dirty and shit.
I respect dress shoes, and I just never had a pair, because I... Yeah, get black J.Crew wingtips, take the hit, and you'll have them for the rest of your life.
And then for light-colored suits, wear, you know, light beige desert boots.
And the beauty of light beige desert boots is they last for one billion years.
And they look the same.
They don't wear out.
My problem with Rod Lavers is, In a very short amount of time, they start to crumple up like a ballerina slipper.
And they don't look good.
A lot of shoes are like that.
They look great on the first day, like Adidas Gazelles.
They look great day one.
Beastie Boys shoes.
And then they slowly start to get crumpled and lose their shape.
So don't stray from that.
And then as far as pants go, I'm a big J.Crew guy, they have great basics, but Levi's.
And don't have a weird cut.
You should be able to fit, as far as your ankle goes, you should be able to fit, squeeze a fist in.
To the bottom of your pants.
So make a fist, squeeze that into the bottom of your pants, and that's how, you know, you don't want skinny jeans, but you don't want these big stupid fat pants.
And my fellow blue collars tend to have really wide, almost bell-bottoms these days, and way too long.
Stop that.
And then for the shirts, you got some nice wool-rich flannels.
I'm talking about people who aren't into fashion, by the way.
Now what drives me nuts about these goddamn college students is they're at the aesthetic peak of their life, they're getting the most sex ever, and that might be the problem is they're spoiled.
But that's when you can be the Johnny Cash guy and only listen to country records on a turntable or something.
That's when you can have all these affectations and be a dude.
But what do they do?
They wear a shirt they found in the garbage.
It's so frustrating.
What a waste.
So, fashion is not important.
It's a game.
And if you don't get involved, at least show up.
but it's like a long sleeve t-shirt.
Then they have sweat pants that are falling off.
And then just like their big sister's Uggs or something they found.
And glasses that have been taped up.
It's so frustrating, what a waste.
So fashion is not important, it's a game.
And if you don't get involved, at least show up.
It's like Halloween.
If you're not gonna choose an awesome costume, at least be a ghost or Frankenstein or something.
Show up to the party.
You're not going to hell if you don't dress well.
But, uh... It's just a bummer.
It's like the guy who shows up at a Halloween party in a sweater.
What are you doing, dude?
You're too cool?
And then jackets, you have your classic jean jacket.
Don't, obviously, wear a jean jacket with jeans, but if you've got normal, you know, blue pants on, you can wear a jean jacket and then a navy peacoat for the winter.
I try to avoid a hat.
And there's other rules too, like you can't, I'm anti-shorts, you can wear shorts if it's over 83 degrees.
That's Fahrenheit, you Canadians.
Actually, once we get up above 90, all bets are off.
I'm very anti-flip-flop, but if it's 100 degrees and you're in Arizona, I'm not going to chastise you.
I like that Italian town where it's illegal to wear flip-flops.
They just announced that because too many people were slipping on the big hills.
I love that town.
I want to move there.
But I'm not gonna kill you if you wear flip-flops.
I will tell you, I will never wear flip-flops in one billion years.
Yes, you can find footage of me wearing them in the past.
I've learned from my mistakes.
And I will never, ever wear fucking flip-flops.
Ever.
Even when I go to the beach.
I wear my chucks to the beach.
On the hot sand.
And then when I get to my spot, I take off my shoes.
Even at the hotel pool.
Sometimes I'll just go barefoot to the hotel pool.
Or I'll wear my chucks.
I do not wear shower shoes.
God damn it!
What are you kids today doing with your goddamn shower shoes?
I've seen you in fights.
The first shove, they're gone.
And then you're fighting with those little black sockettes.
How the fuck did we get here?
Gigantic shorts that are just basically a dress.
Those basketball shorts that are so big that they look exactly like a silk kilt with a champion logo on them.
And then sockettes, which are what little girls wear.
And then Gucci shower shoes.
How many things are wrong with that?
If you're gonna wear shorts, wear short shorts.
Yeah, you heard me.
Big, long, baggy shorts that go below your knee are homophobic.
Because what you're saying is, I'm not a fucking fag.
Well, be a fag.
Wear short shorts, show off your legs, show off your bulge.
That's a man's cleavage.
You should have short shorts, show off your gorgeous legs, and show off your bulge.
Now, there is a problem with socks.
Socks and shoes with shorts looks really stupid.
So one option is those weird sock hats that no one can see.
That's like if a tree falls in the woods and it doesn't, and nobody's there to hear it, does it really make a sound?
I don't want to hear about you wearing those.
Never be seen wearing those.
That's your dirty little secret.
If you take a girl home and you have those sock hat things that are so low that they don't even come up on van slip-ons.
Oh, that's another good shoe you can wear, van slip-ons.
Say you take a girl home and it's time to take off your shoes.
Crumple those up and stick them in the shoe.
Those are a man's sanitary napkins.
If you're gonna throw them away, wrap them up in toilet paper and put them in the garbage.
Don't flush the toilet with them.
It's like walking around with a butt plug in all day, and nobody knows about it.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
If no one ever sees it, if no one ever sees your anal beads, and they don't know that you had them in during a meeting, then there's no harm, no foul.
You take a girl back to your apartment, sit on the toilet, poop them out, try to flush them.
If not, that's your... I like jean short shorts, and the way I get away with no socks, I don't do that thing, but just a little floof of talc.
Just a little poof of talc in the morning, it lasts all day.
And Vans Eras and low-cut white chucks, like Hunter S. Thompson used to wear, they don't get slimy.
You just like poof, a little thing of talc, you put it in the heel and then you tip the shoe forward, it fills the whole foot, boom.
Now, that's another problem with going to a girl's house, you take off your shoes and you have ghost feet.
You have Casper toes.
So in that case, when you kick off your feet, your shoes, either make sure the lights are off or rub your foot with your hands, your greasy palms.
And, um, and, uh, you won't have Casper toes.
How are we doing for time here?
I'm only at number five.
We're at 45 minutes.
Okay.
Okay.
Cause I also want to get in the mail bag fighting.
When should one fight?
You're weak if something someone says makes you punch them in the face.
You should be witty enough, even shit about your mother.
Oh no, I'm getting that thing again.
My computer's been doing this thing where it just keeps hitting the hyphen key.
And the only way for me to stop it is to shut down the computer.
Shickity shazbot, say what?
This is hip-hop.
I'll just take a picture of what I was saying, and I will just close that.
Don't save.
Listen to it going.
Shut down.
This is one of those things that seems minor, and then you end up needing a new computer.
Because the key is not stuck!
All right, excuse me.
So fighting!
When should you fight?
Someone says something about your mother or your immediate family.
I understand you losing it, but technically you should be able to keep it in control and you should be able to come back with them with equally harsh insults.
Like, you sure care a lot about my mother.
Or you insult his mother and let him go off.
But exchanging blows for words is a sign of weakness.
And I understand, you know, if someone talks about your mother or your wife or your kids, you're gonna lose it.
I understand that.
But there is zero excuse for any other insult.
Hey, fag!
Someone calls you a fag and you punch them?
What are you, a loser?
Come back with something funny!
I'm not going to sit here and list witty retorts, but I like to say things like, why are you making your problem my problem, or look at you, or I, my forte is do's and don'ts type stuff, so I can make fun of how they look.
You know what I went with, but I never tried it?
It's like, how are we going to be friends if you're going to be such an asshole like this?
Oh, that's a good one, yeah.
How are we supposed to be friends?
You know what I developed naturally, almost against my will, is I just start laughing.
That could take it to a complete different level, though.
No, it disarms them.
And I didn't invent this.
My brain did.
I remember I was at one police plaza in Manhattan, lower Manhattan, trying to get a gun license.
And no, no, I was there to get a ride along where you ride with cops.
And this Puerto Rican weirdo ex-con from Rikers, who probably spent half his life at Rikers, we're on the lineup and he's got this weird military shit, like a military Backpack and then a big canteen that you'd have in Vietnam.
So I think he's homeless and insane and So we're on the lineup and then there's some sort of emergency and everyone has to leave the area Temporarily while they figure it out and then we're allowed back in so this was a tent that was outside one police plaza and It's there to sort of screen people and there's a metal detector and it's enclosed I guess because of the weather so We all leave, and then we come back, and I notice now he's in front of me in the line, or he's behind me in the line.
And I go, hey, buddy, usually the custom is when you leave, everyone resumes their place in the line.
You don't get to jump to in front.
He goes, oh, what now?
You want to do this, motherfucker?
You want to do this?
And I go, and I just smile.
I'm scared shitless, by the way, because I can tell this man's insane.
And then he's looking at his, I have a soccer scarf on.
It's a fake team called Chinatown.
It was this thing, I think, that a New York thing, anything, put out.
Aaron Banderov, A-Ron.
It was this fake soccer team.
So it looks like a British soccer scarf, but it's not, it's just made up.
And he goes, oh yeah, you think you're more British than me?
I'm more British than you, motherfucker!
Which is the weirdest insult for a Puerto Rican to say to a guy born in England, what was he talking about?
I'm more British than you?
I guess that's a hood thing I'm not familiar with.
He says he's more British than me.
And I think he said he has a bigger mustache.
I mean, he had no facial hair.
I don't know.
I didn't understand it.
It's probably prison talk.
And I go, that's what's good.
And I start sort of fake laughing.
I'm shitting my pants.
But I'm like, that's what we're going to do here.
We're going to throw down at one police plaza with all these cops here.
He's like, I don't give a fuck, nigga.
I don't give a fuck.
And I just sort of rolled my eyes like I was bored of fighting.
And I don't want to do it today because I'm not going back to jail.
Meanwhile, I'm pooping my panties.
He goes through the metal detector and I said to the cop there, I go, this guy, cause I overheard him say, I'm here for a fucking gun license.
And I said to the cop, that guy's here for a gun license.
And almost without looking at me, the cop goes, yeah, he's not getting the gun license.
Anyway, there's a million ways to defuse a fight, and you don't want to fight.
If you win, you feel like shit, because you beat the crap out of someone.
If you lose, you're in pain for four days.
The only time you feel good is if it's for a noble cause, like someone hits a woman at a bar.
And you definitely see this, definitely a... Those I like.
And those feel good after.
Or defending yourself when someone hits you first, and then you knock them out.
I've never knocked anyone out, but that must feel fucking awesome.
Part of my SPLC lawsuit, by the way, is they talk about how violent I am and how I said violence solves everything.
No, I said fighting solves everything, and that is a common saying in the boxing community.
Almost every gym says it.
Look it up.
It's t-shirts, it's bumper stickers.
It's a saying, and it's true.
And it's pretty healthy for a man to have been in some fights.
You know, especially as a young man, because the second you get punched in the nose, it flicks a switch in your head where you go, oh, actions have consequences.
Oh, I can't do that.
I can't light a guy's hair on fire as a joke.
He doesn't think that's funny, even though we put it out pretty quickly.
Uh, oh, you can't fuck with people.
I get it now.
And you can always tell by the way people act whether they've been punched in the face a lot.
And that's why you see women at demonstrations and stuff going, what, bitch?
You little bitch!
You go, you've clearly never been punched in the face, and you probably shouldn't be punched in the face.
You're a lady.
But guys, guys who have been in a lot of fights, they always have that same very polite tone, they talk about this all the time, where they don't want any trouble, please, let's work it out.
That guy's willing to fight to the death if he really wants to work it out, because he doesn't want to go to jail and he doesn't want to break all your ribs and knock you out.
Remember that kid that your brother Miles did a video on this kid that confronted a MAGA hat wearer and he's telling the story like he as if he got into a fight like with the same gusto of like and so he oh yeah I stared at him I stared him down yeah and that guy's idea of a brawl an all-out brawl was him looking at someone and that guy looking back at him Yeah, the fact that his testosterone glands are swelling up at that, so it's like, it's really sad.
That's why I got into that fight in New Paltz, because I was doing him a favor by, uh, he interjected in my conversation, and then, um, then he, I called his bluff on something, and then he smiled as I was getting kicked out of the bar.
And I was like, you know what, dude?
You're gonna learn a very important lesson tonight, my friend.
And he did.
And it was awesome.
And how did that go down now?
So he was just laughing at you, and then you punched him in the face?
That goes against what I was just saying.
No, I was talking to my friend, and then him and his friend interjected, and then we were just going back and forth verbally, and then for some reason the bar back, collecting glasses outside, was like, hey dude, you gotta leave.
I was like, alright, I guess I'm being louder.
And the guy's smiling at me, he's like, yeah, bye bye, smiling at me, and I was like, I was like, okay, I'll meet you outside, because he was talking a big game, so I was like, all right, I will meet you outside, I will be out there, and I was.
And it went from wrestling to the only punch I've ever thrown, basically.
It was so good, it was like, this is the first punch of my life.
It was just square in the nose.
You got into fights in school, grade school as a kid.
Yeah, I know, but this was like the punch of all punches, like right in his face.
His head was cradled in my left arm, and I just went, Oh, so you had him sort of... It was brutal.
...scooped.
Yeah.
It was brutal.
He was holding it.
It was like cleaning out a pineapple.
You just had it all scooped in there, or a pumpkin.
Yeah.
And by that time, I had been cheap-shotted by a woman, did nothing about it, and then he grabbed me, and then I was wrestled to the ground.
What's cheap-shotted?
Like slapped in the face?
Yeah, I was squaring off with him, and then his girl was like to my left, and then she hit me.
And then when she went up to the second one, I just put my arm up.
And that time he's like, don't hit her and he grabs me.
He could have hit me.
He just like grabbed my shirt.
So we're wrestling on the ground.
Then I start getting punched by his other guy friend while I'm on the fucking floor.
I was like, all right, you know, so we get to our feet cause the cops are there.
And then while we get to our feet, his head is like cradled in my, my, my arms.
Square in the nose, dude.
It was felt so... I feel good talking about it right now.
It was so good.
Yeah, it's justified violence.
He started it.
He did.
He really was just quite the cunt.
But we're here giving advice, so that's an easy time.
That's an easy situation where it sort of spelled itself out.
But what if some huge dude wants to fight you in a bar, and it's looking really bad, and you can't talk him out of it?
What did I do?
I would headbutt him in the bar.
Punch him.
Lots of flailing.
Right.
Because the beauty of a fight in a bar is it gets broken up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because your fear is like you're knocked unconscious and then he's bashing your head against the cement outside and girls are crying and you're dying.
You don't want that.
You want it to get broken up fast.
So in both cases, whether it's some psycho who just wants to fight you for no reason, fight him in the bar and he'll get broken up.
Or if you see a guy slapping some girl, then fight him in the bar and you'll get to punch him and it'll get broken up and that'll be that.
It's a tactic.
You're not super proud of it, but you're using what you got.
Here's a tough one.
You're on the subway in New York.
Seven 19-year-old black kids from the hood are antagonizing some woman, and they punch her in the face.
Jesus.
You have to jump in.
You pretend you're a cop.
I tried that.
You're pretending to off do a cop.
They don't give a shit about cops.
Yeah, that's true.
I tried that once.
I tried that with CRTV when we were surrounded with these black kids who were going to take our equipment.
And I said, hey guys, wake up.
Cops review television.
That's what the CRTV stands for.
Like, fuck you nigga.
Oh yeah.
I remember you told me, didn't they have balloons?
Yeah, I think they had balloons.
Yeah, they had balloons.
The Mylar balloons.
I remember you told me that.
And you went to Anthony's show after that.
Yeah, yeah, that was it.
So no, I don't think you can.
That's just the worst case scenario on earth.
Yeah, I don't know what I would do.
And if you don't do anything, well, you've basically committed a crime.
You're going to hate yourself for the rest of life.
And if you do do something, you're risking getting stabbed.
I think you pray.
You, that's when you just, you go to a phone booth and you change into your Superman costume and then you come back and say, gentlemen, take it easy.
Yeah.
I got an idea.
You just become 17 black, 17 year olds and then you fuck them up.
That's what I would do.
So that's fighting.
I think it's important to go to boxing gyms, but not to learn how to defend yourself in a street brawl.
In fact, there's probably a lot better, like Crab McGraw, there's probably a million, Judo, there's probably a million better things that would help you in street fights.
I think boxing is great for your mental health.
And it just makes you a better person.
It just relieves stress and sometimes when you're in the gym, it's almost like you can feel poison coming out of your pores.
And that's all the anxiety and stress and bad thoughts and negativity.
You feel it like sweating out of your body.
And that's very cathartic.
I'm jealous of your boxing stuff.
What part are you jealous of?
The whole thing.
I like the idea of it.
I'm going to try to get into it maybe this summer.
There's nothing to be jealous of.
What did I win the boxing lottery?
You can go anytime.
Yeah, it's $200 a month or something like that.
No, I think it's cheaper than that.
Huh, alright.
Anyway, we got six.
What about food?
Don't eat out.
This is for young men.
I'm not talking about pussy eating.
I'm saying don't go out for dinner.
It's a fucking total waste of money.
You get reamed every time you go out.
Wait a minute.
Yeah, you make a big thing of spaghetti.
We used to live in this big punk house with like 15 people in one house and we would have, we would just make, we'd make like four pounds of rice.
We'd buy things in bulk and there'd be a giant rice thing.
It would basically be going rotten over the weeks and you just sort of dip into that whenever you were hungry.
Oh, you want to hear a great handy thing to do for men who live together in a group?
So there's Gavin, Ryan, Joey, and Maleficent all living together in a house, right?
You take a nail and you nail that into the windowsill or something, some sort of spike, that's by the sink in the kitchen.
Presumably you're living in such a shithole, the landlord isn't gonna care about a nail hole.
Then you write on different pieces of paper, Ryan, Gavin, Johnny, Maleficent, right?
And you poke those through the nail, In front of the sink.
Now, if you walk into the kitchen and you see the name Ryan there, you have to do whatever is in the sink.
That's your job.
I don't care if it's with nail and eye levels with rats living in it and it's piled to the ceiling.
That's your problem, dude.
You let your name pop.
Say you go away for a week.
Then you should be stressed out the whole time that your dishes are piling up because that's your problem.
So you come back, you clean all those.
Now, what if you walk by the sink and there's just one coffee cup and it says Gavin?
I run in, I wash that coffee cup, I put it there to dry and then I take my name and I put it at the back.
So what this inadvertently does is it provides an incentive for people to always be checking on the sink and washing their shit.
Now we had this one dude who would just let his shit pile up and he wouldn't do anything.
So we would take those dishes and put them all over his bed.
But, yeah, it doesn't matter what you eat when you're a young man.
Just eat spaghetti.
You've got this incredible metabolism.
Don't eat out.
Don't have soda.
Don't eat!
Eating's gay.
Food is a fad.
I think you should, if you're fat and you want to lose weight, you should join my diet of Beer Ramadan, which is, you don't eat breakfast, you don't eat lunch, around four o'clock you start getting hungry, you know, like Muslims, and then you have a beer to kill the hunger pains, and it also alleviates you with empty calories, and you have another beer around five, and then by the time dinner's ready, this is more for married men, around six, You have your meal, which you scarf down because you're fucking starving, and then you don't eat anything for the rest of the night.
Maybe keep drinking beers.
I lost 10 pounds doing that.
And I lost 10 pounds because I'm a cheap ass, and I realized all my suits are garbage if I get fat, and then I have to get all new suits.
There's no way I'm doing that.
Alright, so what do we got?
We have... eating?
Wait, we have... what is it?
What was the first one now?
Don't eat out with a group more than a group of people.
Oh shit, I made eating two things.
So that doesn't count.
Put that back in number one.
But it also went for karaoke too, right?
Oh yeah, no, you're right.
Yeah, let's change number one to save your money.
Number one is save your money.
Yeah, that is money.
And then number two is take a lot of shit from people.
Number three, no, let's change number two to take abuse.
So number one is Number one is be cheap.
I'm gonna write these down.
Number one is be cheap when you're young.
Number two, take abuse.
Number three, be fun.
That's how to get laid.
Number four, wear classics.
Obviously if you have some great kooky look, you're not looking for me for fashion tips.
So that one is for the guys who don't know what to wear.
Number five.
What should we call that fighting one?
Break it up?
Let me see.
Damage assessment.
What do you call that?
But these are all funny.
Oh, I see.
I'm just going to say don't fight.
It's kind of clickbait to make you hear what the thing is.
And then number six was don't eat.
I remember we came up with rules for partying and it was called Downer.
Yeah.
We invented this in Austin at South by Southwest, Trace and I, Trace Crutchfield.
D-O-W-N-E-R.
And it was, these are the rules for partying.
They're in the party issue of Vice, which we discussed.
D is, don't cockblock.
You know what?
I'm going to make this number seven.
Practice No, Party Right.
Party Right, and then within number seven is the acronym Downer.
D-O-W-N-E-R.
I don't know if I'll be able to remember this, but D was Don't Cockblock.
When you and another guy are hitting on a girl, you're like two speedboats.
And you're both going parallel to the destination.
If one of the speedboats seems to be going ahead, Getting closer to the destination?
Well, you can, you know, put your foot on the gas, but if it's still going ahead, and it's like two boat lengths ahead of you, and this is your buddy, by the way, I'm talking about.
If he's two boat lengths ahead of you, and you're both going, over the waves, and it's clear he's gonna get there, then just, just veer to the right, buddy.
Go off.
And let that guy pursue his goal.
That's number one rule of partying.
O is only 13 hours.
So if you start drinking at 2 p.m., you have to stop at 2 a.m.
And these rules were created for music festivals, for vacations.
Obviously, if you're a dude hanging out in the city, then I guess follow these rules, but why are you partying so hard?
Like Bill Schultz.
Follows downer, even though he's an employed guy in the city.
So on a Tuesday, he might start drinking at noon.
Well, Bill, if you start drinking at noon, you have to go to bed at 1 a.m.
Only 13 hours.
W, water aplenty.
I know this is corny and I don't really follow it, but especially if you're doing shots and stuff or bumps, the second that you think of the word water, just ask for one and chug it.
Just pretend that you're in the desert and you have to store it in your stomach.
Like a cow.
Just be cramming water into your body.
At all times.
N?
What the fuck was N?
Nose beers?
No, never?
Is it to start with never?
You know you got stuck on this in Texas too because I asked you what downer was and you got stuck on N again.
Okay, well see if you can look it up.
Vice Guide to Partying?
Downer?
I think it's in my book, Death of Cool.
We'll come back to N. E is eat your food.
When you're really partying and maybe you have some nose beers involved, you're not going to want food.
You have to force yourself to have a cheeseburger.
So, oh my God, dude, it's come back.
My crazy space, my crazy hyphen has come back to haunt me.
This doesn't make for a good podcast.
We're gonna have to figure this out later, folks.
So I'm gonna have to shut it.
Shut it down!
This key right here is constantly pressing the dash button.
Right?
The dash button.
We're gonna shut it down.
You can get Salmonella over here.
You can get tetanus from that.
My Jon Taffer sucks so bad, I'm embarrassed every time I try it.
At least you got the name right.
So, E was eat your dinner, and then R is regulate your bumps.
Now, I'm not advocating cocaine use.
It's an illegal, dangerous drug.
If, hypothetically, you were to try such a thing, you have to... A lot of people do coke when they don't even want to.
So, just like earlier with buying something, where I was saying, can I afford it?
Do I really want it?
Can I borrow it?
Please think of that when you do cocaine.
So many people do cocaine And they cocaine themselves to sobriety.
And the next thing you know, all those shots and all that booze is just wasted.
You just ruined your buzz.
Now in my heyday, not that I have ever done cocaine, you'd have a $20 bag that would last you all night.
There'd be tons left.
You'd do maybe two to four key bumps.
That's it.
Now these guys are doing giant lines and Ugh, that's what gives you the brutal hangover the next day.
It makes you grind your jaw.
You can't talk to girls.
I'm having trouble finding this.
I think it's been scrubbed from the web.
Yep.
Shit.
Alright, and then, so R was regulate your bumps.
Regulate your bumps, man.
Maybe N was nothing good happens after 4 a.m.?
Yeah, that sounds very familiar.
I think that is.
I'll try to figure that out and get back to you.
Ryan, your job is to track down this stuff.
Yeah, I'm still looking.
I got a new idea.
I think I'm going to find it.
It was the party issue of Vice.
So that must have been like 2002, where it wasn't, the records are not very well kept because they involve Gavi.
Why are you looking up Anthony Gumia?
Because you were on his thing and I think you'd go through Downer on this show.
Clean your room!
For God's sakes!
I'll let you work on that.
Number eight.
Clean your room.
For God's sakes.
For God's sakes.
Miss Piggy's going to have a cow if you don't clean your damn bloody room.
Jordan Peterson is right.
And I think he stole that from me.
And I stole it from that guy, Kennedy, who I mentioned at the beginning with his book, Knockout.
He was the first guy I saw who said, clean your room.
He said, the secret to getting your shit together is to clean your room and to exercise.
And I do remember when I was a bike messenger, I'd be riding my bike all winter, and there's something about exercise where it just sort of polishes your brain.
And the next thing you know, I don't know, man, you just, You start evaluating your life.
There's something about being in physically good shape where you start coming up with better ideas.
And it's sort of like an audit of your brain.
And you go deeper into your brain and you realize, yeah, I like listening to music, but I'm not a musician.
I'm not pursuing that.
That's not my bag.
I'm going to become more of a storyteller.
That seems to be my kind of thing.
And you learn about yourself.
When your desk is cluttered or your desktop on your computer or your room, It's it's a cluttered brain so You have to start getting organized and that that would brings me to number nine.
I'm saying for running out of time is quit porn Now, by quit porn, I also mean don't beat off.
And there's two schools to this.
There's the no wanks school and there's the no fap school.
No fap is more orthodox.
It's like the more extremist religion.
But no wanks is more like watch porn once a month.
But beating off is bad for you.
It kills your libido.
Young men, I know you're walking around with a boner 24 hours a day.
Go stick that in a chick.
Or go beat off with a chick there.
The computer is a curse.
And I'm telling you, what I always say to young men is try it for 10 days and get back to me.
If you don't catch yourself singing in the shower and feeling more in control when you walk down the street and prepared to fight at any time, you're just a higher quality person.
It's like you dipped in you sauce, which is what I used to call Adderall.
Now should I, if we hit the mailbag, I got one that pertains specifically to that, but he's got an interesting situation.
Alright, well I'm making these up as I go along.
So, number 10, I'm going to write family first.
Now, in the era of Trump, we have a lot of siblings no longer speaking to each other.
And that is terrible.
So my advice to you is to lie.
When your sister says, I can't look at you at Thanksgiving, if you're still supporting Trump, lie and say, I'm actually reevaluating that.
Or that was a wake-up call.
Or when she says, are you, I can't believe you're not, you're against therapy.
You should be in therapy.
You know, if she lives in LA or something.
Then say, you know what?
Yeah, maybe I should.
Thank you for that.
That really helps.
Abide by them.
They're going through a crazy phase.
It's sort of like drunk chicks.
If your crazy brother, your crazy in-laws, your crazy aunt, she hates you for liking Trump or for whatever stupid reason, family is first.
That comes above everything.
You have to maintain those relationships.
When I see these people haven't spoken to their brother in 10 years, it breaks my heart in two.
It's so crucial, even cousins.
Like, I have a cousin, he's a Mexican, because my aunt married a Mexican guy.
And, you know, we spent a little bit of time together growing up, but he lived all over the world.
His dad was a diplomat, or he worked for the CIA or something.
And he doesn't look anything like me, obviously, he's Mexican.
And we just, it's weird when we hang out.
There's all of these biological similarities.
And it's not just our love of whiskey.
There's things when you talk to family that you'll never get from friends.
And my other cousins, I have this one cousin in Scotland I saw maybe twice growing up.
Two times total.
We met for beers.
I hadn't seen him in 20 years.
We met for beers last time he was visiting New York for some conference.
He's a cop.
And we both, after joking around about stuff and all the shit we love, we both shopped at the same mod shop that sold mod clothing in London.
We both ordered from them online.
And we just looked at each other and we go, this is uncanny.
And I know a lot of you hate your dad.
Your dad is old you.
So to poo-poo him is bad for you.
Now, there is a problem with people like Ryan, where their dad fucked them over.
And he wants to, I hate when these dads, they don't, they leave it when the kid's like six and then they come back when the kid's 21 and is a grown up and they want to hang.
And like, look, I made a lot of mistakes, but I'm back now and here I bought you something.
Those guys fucking suck.
And I totally understand if you don't want anything to do with that guy.
But I said family first, your dad quit the job of dad.
When he vanished.
So, that's not your dad.
In fact, stepdads, people call them cucks, stepdads are, they should be put on a pedestal, those guys, who've taken someone else's kid at six, and then, despite being hated by that kid and resented by all of her kids, that he's, are now his stepkids, he powers through it, and the next thing you know, he's acquired enough authority to discipline them and say, you're grounded, and then he's their dad.
That guy's awesome!
We don't say enough good shit about stepdads.
They're seen as, like, drunk bum losers.
Meanwhile, this guy's cleaning up the mess your shithead father left behind.
And I'm not talking about my dad.
He's awesome.
Alright.
Uh, we're gonna have, we have a little bit of time left.
Right, Ryan?
Yep.
I hope my hyphen problem doesn't come back.
I just rebooted for the third time.
And I'm gonna see what's in my mailbag.
But, uh, we're still short on N.
Have you tried typing in downer with periods in it?
Yeah.
Yes.
Okay.
So let's have a look at the mail bag and get in all its little nooks and crannies, all its little wrinkles.
And let's do yours first.
You want to do the no wanks thing?
Sure.
I hate when people say, these guys have Gavin tell them to, uh, when they can masturbate.
No, I inadvertently discovered a cool thing and I want you to try it.
I'm not your boss.
So, this is Alex.
Uh, getting to the question here, thought I'd reach out.
Oh, wait a minute!
I have my book!
Right?
Yeah, it's right behind you.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, you read that and I'll see if I can find down there.
Alright, cool.
So, Sucky Situation.
Sucky Situation!
Uh, I want to quit porn, but there's a twist.
I can't get laid, because I have a girlfriend who I love.
So I don't want to cheat on her.
She's a model, and she leaves for two month work trips after a month of staying with me.
All right, then she goes to China, Korea, Japan, yadda yadda.
Too expensive for me to visit her.
I really want to stop wanking because I feel that kind of ruins my life, but I'm horny all the time, and the fact that I can't get laid for months makes it painful, so I wank.
What should I do?
If you address this in the pod, I think it would help other dudes who are in a similar situation.
Um, so I was trying to find, uh, the partying thing.
Um... I think I know what you're gonna say.
I think this is- So he's- he's saying, can I beat off because my girlfriend goes away for a long time?
Yes, but it's under- I- I know- I think I know the answer to this.
Yes, but why not- you do it over like FaceTime or something, if you need to.
You have to be with her.
Hey, wait a minute.
Is that the picture of someone stimulating someone's genitals while someone else does coke off his dick?
Oh shit!
No, well there's a chicken on it.
Yeah, but that's an example of Jill Abramson.
So read that headline.
The Vice Guide to Partying.
Party hosting isn't something one can just dive into headlong willy-nilly.
You don't throw a baby in the deep end of an Olympic pool with five-pound weights tied to its tiny legs unless you want it to die.
Do you as a party meister?
You have to.
And then it goes on.
So that one has That one has what Jill Abramson was talking about.
It's not even close to what she put in her book.
There is not someone stimulating someone's genitals, and there's not someone doing coke off a guy's dick.
And this was 2004, and written by Count Chocula.
You were gone by 2004, no?
Uh, no.
I was gone in 2008.
Um, so we get that from military guys.
They say, can I beat off, uh, via Skype with my wife?
I haven't seen her in almost a year.
And I spoke to men in the military.
We worked hard on this.
We stayed up all night going through charts and data and working with scientists.
And we came to the answer, no.
Hmm.
Sorry.
Look, you're out there fighting for your life.
I know it sucks.
And a lot of soldiers told me you never really get any time to be alone with Skype, because doing any internet thing, connection, is such a huge deal, because they're worried about, you know, people triangulating it, that, um... Oh, there's someone else doing coke off a dick.
There's coke off the dick, and then there's... I guess her hand is near the dick.
And how does she know that person's trans?
Yeah.
Well, because there's a... I don't think it's trans, but there's a nipple ring in a man breast.
So, no, you can't do that.
And that's one of the reasons... See, if you don't do that, then your girlfriend away for that long hurts your feelings and you miss her.
And then you start going, look, we can't do this anymore.
Like, I either have to come with you or we need to change your job or something.
So the wanking when your girlfriend's away is creating a false comfort.
You should hate it when your girlfriend's away.
That should be a problem.
Oh, that looks like it is a trans person.
So, I can't remember if that was one.
I don't think that was on our list of 1 to 20, but she was almost close to the truth with that.
Yeah, the caption for that is, um, although the tranny and her knight in shining armor furiously necking while she jerks him off, the lower cast of guests still haven't received their rations of cocaine.
Alright, so we're muddling up this answer here.
The answer is no.
You can never do, uh, Skype phone sex, that breaks no wanks.
Also, people ask me, what about prostitutes?
No.
The whole point of this is to develop intimacy with your significant other.
And prostitutes are the same as porn.
And also, gays.
Someone said, what about gays?
Gays don't have a problem with this.
Gays get too laid.
If anything, we want gays to beat off more.
So gays aren't invited to this.
Sorry, fellas.
Love you.
But you're not invited to no way, because you don't need libido controls.
And ladies, too.
There's not a problem with ladies being too horny.
So they can masturbate all they want.
You know what?
I found it.
I dug it up.
I was right.
N is never after 4 a.m.
And people go, well, you already said only 15 hours.
I said 13 in the podcast.
Here, the script says 15.
Never after 4am, so that means if you start partying at midnight, you can't go 15 hours, you have to stop at 4am.
And I used to party with this guy, the only guy that could keep up with me booze-wise was Sharky, and we would go to South by Southwest in the 90s.
We came up with Downer, actually I think it was after 2000 we came up with Downer, and it was like a revelation.
Just like no wanks, these things, they're not, I'm not trying to brainwash anyone, they're handy tricks.
And all of a sudden we're like, fucking Downer boys!
Downer was our new religion.
And Sharky managed to fuck it up.
You know what he would do?
It would be 3.59, we'd be back at the hotel, and I'd say, all right man, never after 4 a.m., that's N. And he goes, yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
At 3.58, he would do two lines the size of an Amazonian caterpillar, and then take a bottle of vodka and just go, and chug about half.
So he would be shit hammered at 4am and I'd go, dude, I'm hitting the hay.
So I'd go to bed and he'd have, he never broke the rule, but those, those two lines in that booze would give him another hour and a half, two hours till 6am.
And I remember one time I was on my bed and I felt it sort of rocking a little bit.
And I was like, what the hell is he, is he trying to hump me?
Am I about to get raped by my buddy?
And I hear.
See if you can guess what was going on.
He was listening to... he's watching cartoons?
Close!
He dug up my iPod.
This was, you know, a long time ago when people had iPods.
And he found Su-Su-Studio by Phil Collins.
I don't know why I had that on, and he had it on earphones, and he was sitting on the edge of my bed, in the dark, staring at the iPod, and he was inadvertently sort of bobbing a little bit, because he liked the song, and I was hearing the stupid saxophones from that shitty song.
that's hilarious all right so we answered that one let's Should we start at the end or at the beginning?
How much time do we have?
We don't have much time, do we?
The card has a fair amount.
Okay.
Because it was registering for video, but if we're doing audio, it's got way more.
Is this the mailbag?
Yeah.
Do you want a song for it?
Yes.
Okay.
It's the mailbag, baby.
That makes me think of Logan's Run, that 1980s show about the future where they kill people who are over 30 to protect the environment.
And that music would be playing as they were hunting them down because two 31-year-olds escaped, escaped the death.
Logan is his name.
He's on the run.
You should look it up.
It was a cool show.
I've never seen that, but I've heard so much about it that, like, it's a classic.
Oh, the graphics and the design of that show was so cool-looking.
I remember watching it with my parents as a little kid.
All right, this is Tex Punchem, The Roast of Gavin McInnes.
So I think people have noticed that I'm a grump.
So the way to bond with a grump is, like Oscar the Grouch, you tell him to fuck off, and he's like, yeah, you're cool.
Yeah.
No, I still have feelings.
I remember I did the same thing with comics.
I was like, oh, comedians like to be shit on.
There's this nice guy, Anthony Zenhauser, and he was on Twitter.
He was talking about losing weight.
And I was like, have you tried flensing?
Flensing is when Japanese men like break down a whale.
It's specifically for breaking down a whale and like butchering a whale.
Yeah.
And he never responded.
I think I just hurt his feelings.
The first time I met Fred Armisen I was really excited and we were at a party and he was in the elevator and the elevator I guess because it was snowing out and so people were tracking in their snowy boots and it melted so there was water all over the ground and he was standing in it in the middle of this little puddle and I said, oh Fred how you doing man?
Did you piss your pants?
And he's like, what?
And I go, oh my god, Fred, you're so nervous to meet me.
I'm a regular guy, dude.
You don't have to be nervous.
Oh my god, look at this.
Fred pissed his pants, everyone.
And he just goes, no, I didn't.
That's a bummer.
Now, I don't know if he was, maybe he was doing the character.
Right, like playing the straight man.
And he was so funny that I didn't get it, but I didn't feel good after.
Like he was playing the straight man.
It's like when I met Tommy Lee from Motley Crue.
And he goes, my man.
And he hugs me.
And I go, hey, this guy's got a boner.
And he walked away and we never spoke again.
That was the end of our friendship.
It lasted eight seconds.
That's the shortest friendship I've ever had, was the drummer of Motley Crue.
Don't you hate when people don't get your jokes?
I was at like a little dinner with my ex-girlfriend, this was years ago, and they were like, yeah, my daughter's doing ballet.
She's on a cruise ship.
It's called the Sea Princess.
I was like, ah, that was my nickname back in high school.
And they just kind of squinted and then just kept talking to other people.
I was like, fuck you guys.
Or you do lies.
You do a joke and someone doesn't get it, they take it seriously, and then you go, I can't say just kidding.
I don't know why, but that's a sin.
That's like saying I love you the first night you fuck a chick.
Like that's just, it's unthinkable.
Sure.
So you have to keep making the joke more insane.
Usually you have to involve outer space and go, yeah, well, I met an alien there or something like to really, yeah.
Cause it's haunted.
I mean, especially in New York, everyone's so fucking weird that when you bring in aliens and ghosts, they still think you're serious.
But I remember James O'Keefe in New Jersey, he just moved to a new apartment and, uh, this is 2004, I believe, 2005.
And, uh, This weird dude, I think James is 1% autistic.
And his best buddy in high school was more like 12%.
So he goes, hey man, how's it going?
And James is like, oh, this is my buddy who used to play football.
His name's, I don't know, Deckel?
That doesn't make any, Declan?
Declan?
Declan.
And I go, hey man, how's it going?
He goes, oh, hey, I'm James' best friend.
And then I go, oh, this is kind of awkward, because I'm actually James' best friend.
And he goes, what?
And I go, oh no.
Yeah, sorry, dude.
Man, that sucks.
Sorry you had to find out this way.
And I was making fun of him because I think the term best friend is unacceptable for anyone over 14, maybe.
And to hear guys my age say it.
Like, yeah, yeah, well, I have my son's, I was taking my son to, uh, to football practice.
And I was there with my best friend, uh, my best friend since high school.
And you're like, ew, you guys have friendship bracelets?
Your best friend?
My number one pal.
I have a number two pal and a number three pal.
What about closest friend?
Like there's one of my closest friends.
You can say my really good friend.
The guy I've known forever.
Good buddy.
You may not say best friend.
No, man.
I like that term.
No, it's fucking gay.
And you are a pussy who goes home to your nana every night to lie in her lap and cry.
So of course you say best friend.
I don't cry near her.
I cry in the bathroom.
I cry in the middle of New York City in Times Square.
With my sunglasses on.
Occasionally dipping my finger underneath the lens to push a tear away.
No, because how would people pity me then?
How would I get my pity?
I didn't do anything wrong!
But wait, what are we talking about?
Best friends?
Yeah, so the kid says, oh, hey, I'm James' best friend.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So he goes, and he goes, how can that be?
This guy's huge.
Big, handsome jock dude with broad shoulders.
He should be able to take...
Not being a best friend.
And he goes, uh, that, that's not true.
I played football with him.
I've known him since we were 11 years old.
And I go, Hey man, I'm not disputing that, but for whatever reason, I'm his best friend now.
And it sucks that you did all that, you know, heavy lifting, but apparently I'm just coming at the 11th hour and snatch the prize.
And he goes, uh, I'm positive.
I'm his best friend.
And now I don't know what the fuck to do.
Cause I can't go, dude, I'm just kidding you fucking loser.
I barely know James.
And so I said, I'm actually a lot of people's best friends.
A lot of celebrities' best friends.
Like I was going there, you know, you ever heard of Mick Jagger?
Closest buddy.
Now he, other people think he's his best friend.
And I don't know.
I just couldn't, I came up with all these crazy scenarios.
I pulled in celebs.
I did all this shit and I just couldn't fix it.
All right.
I said one time it was cringy.
One time it was cringy?
I'll just try to fit this one in.
Okay, I guess I have something to say.
It was really cringy.
I'm gonna let y'all finish but I said, Yeah, yeah, dude, great guy.
He's one of my best friends right now in front of my friend.
Because and then it just was like, Oh, cool.
Thanks.
Yeah, I wasn't listening.
I wasn't even listening to that.
Alright, so next, text punch him.
He says, this is a roast of you, dude.
Okay, we're here tonight to honor Gavin BlaBla, a man who has traveled from shore to shore in search of a place who welcomes him.
Good luck on your next emigration.
Oh my god, this is cringe Reddit right here.
Here's another funny quip for the roast.
Ready for this one?
Although I'm a little bigger than Gavin, I did dress up like him for Halloween this year.
Everyone thought I was like the dad from Teen Wolf.
Oh my God, this is bordering on douche chills.
I think the next one might give me goose pimples on my shoulder blades.
All right, ready?
Gavin is an entrepreneur.
He's an earner and a hustler, which is good for him because he's been fired more than a Sandy Hook assault rifle.
All right, that was just brutal.
So, Tex, you suck.
Thank you for your shitty email.
Sam Breenstroop.
Hi, Gavin.
I'm Sam from the Netherlands.
Hi, Sam.
Nice shitty name.
I just want to tell you that Spotify has unsubbed me from your podcast.
This isn't a device problem because it happened on my phone or my computer.
I thought we read this one before.
Is this another one saying that?
Yeah, that was definitely going on.
I got a lot of notices that people on Spotify were saying they were being unsubbed and had to go back in and re-sub.
This is part of my SPLC lawsuit.
We have to find out who is pulling these strings.
Furthermore, you said on your YouTube channel that the Bad Brains were an amazing band and that you don't know anyone who doesn't like them.
I think the Bad Brains are one of the most overrated hardcore bands ever.
They made two good albums, Bad Brains and Rock for Light, patently false, and then they turned into some shitty reggae dub band.
That's not true.
But of course, that's just my opinion.
No, it's not your opinion, Sam.
You're wrong.
I appreciate you telling me about Big Tech shutting down the podcast, but you're wrong about even look at late Bad Brains, like Soulcraft.
Who has a mentally ill singer where they don't quit the band?
I guess you had that with the, I've got a bike, it's as big as a mouse, we call him Gerald.
The Pink Floyd guy, remember him?
Yeesh.
What was his name?
Roger Waters?
No, asshole.
Pink Floyd guy.
I've got a mouse, it's as big as a house, we call him Gerald.
That song sounds awful.
Uh, Bike.
It's early Pink Floyd.
Bike song.
Bike was a song... Sid Barrett!
Sid Barrett was a brutally mentally ill guy.
He was in Pink Floyd, and he would wake up every morning and repaint his garbage pail out front a different color.
It would be yellow on Thursday, pink on Wednesday.
Go back to that song, just to prove that that guy was wrong about Bad Brains.
No, go to the beginning.
Holy shit,
that is such a good Friday night in the car song when you're going somewhere with the guys and you're just blaring that in the car and throwing beers out the window.
It's the best.
It sounds like smoking resin, like it's raining and the window doesn't close, you're getting moist.
I feel like I'm in a wet car.
So wait, you don't like it?
No.
You don't like that song?
No, it sounds wet and like resin.
Like I'm smoking resin out of an old bowl.
You're wrong, too.
You're a guy who sucks on a robot's dick all day, fanatically, smoking your, what is that thing, your little vape pen?
It's a vape.
You don't like that song.
Yeah, you're right.
You're right, Ryan.
It's no Tina Turner, What's Love Got to Do With It, or Gloria Estevan.
I also listen to things like Periphery.
My mother has cooler tastes in music.
My mother is tougher than your record collection.
What about Gimme the Night by George Benson?
Fuck, I almost, I envisioned a knife going into your chest when you said that.
Protest the hero.
Going up from your stomach, up behind your ribs.
You ever hear protest the hero?
I want to stab you with a very long knife where some people go, that's a sword actually.
No, it's just a long knife and I'm stabbing fuckface with it.
Protest the hero, they're from Canada.
Ugh.
You don't know them.
Shut up.
All right, Reagan Smith.
Dear Gavin, I have no idea how you're still alive, hearing your stories.
I'm thankful you are, blah, blah, blah.
I think, it's just, these are all repeats, aren't they?
I don't know.
Yes, they are!
Shit!
Fuck.
Sorry about that, folks at home.
All right, this is definitely a new one.
Lindsay, she's a nurse.
I'm following up on seatbelts.
I'm really curious if my email about seatbelts influenced you at all.
Yes, it's a very female thing of me to be worried about.
Huge fan.
I worked in the ER for 10 years.
Wear a seatbelt.
No!
The thing I resent, too, about getting in my car is, bing, bing, I bought you, robot.
I paid for you, and you're nagging me about, it's like your dog going, hey, you should really work out more.
You're gaining a lot of weight.
Fuck you, dog.
You're my pet.
You're my pet robot, and you're telling me to put on a seatbelt?
I think I drive better without a seatbelt.
There's been studies that say people wearing seatbelts, they're more reckless.
And I hate especially when I'm going around my little village in the suburbs Constantly having to put it on what I do now is I it's buckled 24 hours a day behind me so I can just sit in and Go flying Where are we going here with this?
I've been a working musician for 15 years making records.
This is from William.
Oh, no, I think we already talked about this.
Oh, yeah, that's a whole other thing.
I'm not going to get into that.
Actually, maybe I should.
All right, you ready for this?
Yeah.
This is from a guy named William Control.
And so he was like a weird, this is after my time, I'm an old man, but William Control is like a dance music, kind of gothy, punky guy with lots of tattoos who had a following and he was a successful musician in the sense that, you know, it paid his bills.
He wasn't famous or anything, but you know, he'd get a couple thousand people coming to a show.
And I thought I would read this letter.
Dear Gavin, I wanted to send an email thanking you for helping me get through the most horrific time in my life.
I've been a working musician for the last 15 years, making records and traveling the world.
I'm not a big artist, but was able to carve out a decent living in my own little way.
Last year, I was falsely accused of rape and abuse.
The story was picked up by all the cheesy SJW outlets and spread around like wildfire.
The Guardian, the Daily Beast, etc, etc.
The usual suspects in charge of fake news.
It destroyed my marriage, my wife left me, and took my nine-year-old son.
Just to interject here, by the way, this is the goal.
Of these things.
I'm not talking about bonafide rape accusations, obviously, but this witch hunt stuff where the guy wasn't guilty and it's all based on rumor and they refuse to go to court and hammer it out in real life.
I believe a lot of these cunts at these sites.
Like The Guardian, The Daily Beast, and HuffPo, and Vox.
They're bitter spinsters who resent married men for having kids, and their goal isn't just to get them fired.
Their goal is to break up the marriage.
You have no idea how many people were trying to sabotage my marriage, back before anyone knew who my wife was.
They just, they go, if I can't have it, nobody can.
And who does that punish eventually?
The kids.
It's the kids who suffer when these evil little gossip mongers shatter a marriage.
And you're not shattering a marriage because a man was raping someone or a man was having tons of illicit affairs.
You're ruining a marriage based on a fake rumor.
How do you live with yourself?
Anyway, my wife left me and took my nine-year-old son, who I have limited visits with now.
Unimaginable.
Can't imagine that.
It was devastating as my family was the most important thing to me.
Yes, obviously.
Very much like you, I'm considered a pariah in the music industry and none of my quote-unquote friends will really have anything to do with me.
All these stories they wrote were based on lies and there was really no way to defend myself.
I'm writing this just to say thank you.
I learned about you while this all began last summer.
I started listening to your podcast and the comedy truly helped me get through the darkest shit I've ever stepped in.
I've learned a lot about fake news and what these people do to guys like you, Trump, Tommy Robinson, and other conservative voices they deem too powerful to speak.
Thanks for that.
You may not even read this, but I feel compelled to send a message anyway.
Forever a fan, William.
P.S.
Although Ryan may be a soft cock at times, we all enjoy his presence on your show and his Tony Soprano impression in his fucking tits.
Go fuck yourself.
Oh wait, tits are for fags.
His impression is ass.
Oh fuck.
In the good way.
You know another guy like that?
Cale Hartman.
He got in a sort of altercation type of thing.
A drunken sort of play fighty thing with his girlfriend and she got bruises on her legs as girls do.
And she posted that on Instagram and said this is what it's like to be mentally abused.
I think she was just looking for attention.
She had a comedy special coming up and that snowballed and other ex-girlfriends of his got involved and he became Rapist Kale.
And now, he works in Ohio doing hard labor.
He wrote for Bad Grandpa with Jackass.
He was a really successful comedy writer.
He did stand-up for fun.
And he was begging these girls to take it to court.
But they wouldn't even name him.
People figured out who it was through just running the numbers backwards and going, wait a minute, she was dating him at the time that she put that post up.
And he tried to sue her, but he couldn't sue her because she never named his name.
And he said to me, I want nothing more than to go to court so I can prove my innocence.
And he just quit.
And even, he was in Ohio recently and he thought, I'm going to try doing stand-up.
So he went to some open mics and the guy's fucking hilarious.
And they go, wow, you're really good.
Can you come back?
And he goes, yeah, okay.
And they said, we'll pay you.
Like you're a real comedian now.
And he goes, awesome.
Okay.
So he starts his life up again from scratch.
Word gets out in the LA comedy scene and they send word up there and they shot him out and he's banned from the club.
He can't even, if he goes to say UCB, anywhere in the country, people will recognize him.
They'll tap him on the shoulder and ask him to leave.
Now, if he had raped anyone, I wholeheartedly support that.
I know this dude.
He didn't.
And it cheapens bonafide rape victims.
That's the other thing that pisses me off about this.
But we could do a whole thing on bans that have been banned.
Yeah, I should do that, right?
There's William Control.
There's that band in Austin.
There's two bands in Austin.
There's Ty Richards, who wrote a song called Western Chauvinist, that might have been pro-Proud Boy.
He never said whether it was or wasn't, but because he didn't say that it wasn't, he was banned from everywhere.
His entire music career completely shut down.
And then there's the couple.
Why am I forgetting their names?
Ryan, what are you doing?
Looking through the infinite mailbag, fuck.
Yeah, it goes on forever.
It's almost depressing.
What do you mean?
We'll just have a mailbag episode.
We did that already.
We barely got anywhere.
Well, then we'll have a monolithic.
Dude, this is brutal.
What's the name of that band that I have on my show all the time that got banned?
Pussy Riot?
No.
Interview.
Controversy.
Dream Machine!
Dream Machine, Ty Richards, William Control.
I'm about to pee my pants now.
We're gonna wrap it up.
Please go to DefendGavin.com if you want to stop...
This imminent censorship that's going on, it's not about me, it's about these rich, liar, lefty weirdos injecting themselves into big tech and controlling the country's conversation.
We have only begun.
This people getting banned from banks, Chase Bank has banned conservatives like Martina Marcotta, Laura Loomer, Enrique Tarrio, there's a big investigative piece coming out about it all, and They started controlling the conversation, now they're controlling who can do business?
This is not American, folks.
So please go to DefendGavin.com, throw five bucks into the pot so we can keep fighting them.
It's going to take at least a quarter mil.
We've had about 5,000 people donate.
We're up to, I think, $185,000.
We're almost 80% of the way there.
78% or something?
$185,000.
We're almost 80% of the way there.
78% or something.
Let me check right now.
I'll look back on this and it'll sound small the next time I check.
75% there.
75% there, 187,000.
You can also check out my brother's videos at nohate.com and we've got some stuff in the pipeline for a new show that will be launching June 1st and we'll announce that when we're ready to rock.
