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March 12, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:15:34

Get Off My Lawn Podcast #120 | Ricky Gervais' new show is a masterpiece, but

The Netflix series “After Life” is incredibly well written but I don’t think Gervais realizes how sad he makes childlessness and atheism look. Like Ricky, the protagonist has bucked tradition until nothing’s left but your wife and that means, once she’s gone, there’s nothing left. Kids, please learn from the lessons Ricky accidentally taught us: get married, make babies, and believe in God.

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	Ricky Gervais's new show, Afterlife, is a masterpiece, but... Now, Ryan, when you mount this, when you get on top of this and start fucking it like a horny bull in heat, end the sentence at but.
	I know these podcasts are always the first sentence, but I want that to end at but.
	Yeah, it's clickbait.
	Yeah.
	I'm not a cliffhanger.
	There's nothing wrong with clickbait, by the way.
	No.
	Like, 10 Things I Hate About the Jews was an homage to the Jews.
	I thought you were gonna say Owen Benjamin.
	I was complaining about Haaretz and liberal Jews in Israel and how they hate themselves.
	My article, How to Divorce Your Wife, was obviously not about divorcing your wife.
	There's a lot to learn from the National Enquirer.
	I'll never forget, it was Vice was Voice of Montreal, and I was reading the National Enquirer, which by the way, is a great news source.
	I know that sounds crazy, but they've been sued so many times that they're very careful about what they do.
	And I think, during the Lacey Peterson, Scott Peterson controversy, the juiciest goss you got was from the National Enquirer.
	And they would, did you just take a picture of me?
	No.
	I'm drinking coffee out of a Pyrex measuring glass.
	And you think that's worth documenting?
	For Instagram, at least, yeah.
	Wow.
	What a generation gap we have.
	I wouldn't even know that I was drinking out of a measuring cup when I was your age.
	I would just go, it's a cup.
	We lived in a big punk house with other punk rockers, and I don't think that we had normal mugs.
	No one cared.
	For me, it's a new low, though.
	Oh, fuck off.
	So anyway, what was I talking about?
	Lacey Peterson, the National Enquirer.
	And there was all this stuff about burn marks on a chair from a rope.
	And I think what the National Enquirer was doing is they'd go up to a cop or something and go, look, here's 50 grand.
	You better give me some gossip.
	But if it's fucking untrue, my friend, you are a dead man and we're going to sue you and sign this and sign that and we're going to expose you and you're going to lose your pension, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
	So they wouldn't lie.
	Because it's not illegal to say anything that's true.
	Unless you've signed a nondisclosure.
	So there was an article in the National Enquirer and it said, it wasn't Miley Cyrus, but it was the modern equivalent.
	I'm talking about the early 90s now.
	So whatever, whoever Miley Cyrus was back in the early 90s.
	Madonna.
	Ryan, please stop interjecting.
	Okay?
	Madonna was old, in the early 90s.
	And... I still cannot get over it.
	I was trying to think of that guy, Buzz Lahlgren, or whatever his name was.
	Baz... What was his name?
	Baz... Lloyd Greene or something.
	And he's a pretty good writer.
	He did a great talk at a college.
	Baz Luhrmann.
	What's his name?
	Baz Luhrmann.
	Baz Luhrmann.
	Great writer, and he said that great saying, live in New York till you're hard, live in LA till you're soft.
	And as I was trying to remember his name, I was like, Baz, Buzz, and you go, Buzz Lightyear.
	Because you're uneducated, because you're half Puerto Rican, because you went to public schools in the Bronx, and the only education you got there was when fat black women would sit on you.
	Not exaggerating.
	Fat women teachers thought they were teaching him by sitting on his body in a special room with a bed.
	They squeezed the Japanese out of me with their black butt cheeks.
	It came oozing out of your pores like sushi.
	And the next thing you know you were saying bat room instead of bathroom.
	Bathroom.
	Bath light year.
	I said, I remember when I first moved to America, we had a black intern, and she said, yeah, I was gonna ask you about that.
	And I went, oh my god, you really, New Yorkers really do say ax.
	And she goes, why, what's it supposed to be?
	Well, it's supposed to be axed.
	Anyway, it said the equivalent of Miley Cyrus wishes she was old.
	That's the headline.
	And I have no problem with that headline.
	Because you read the article and it says, she just wishes she could play more mature roles.
	And the picture of it was Miley Cyrus photoshopped, and again it wasn't Miley Cyrus, but you get what I'm saying, photoshopped to look super old and shitty with like crow's feet and stuff.
	And everyone knows the sort of tone of the National Choir, so they know she's not literally praying she was old.
	But it's a fun header, it's a fun picture, and then the article said the truth.
	And the truth is, no, no, no, she just wishes she could have more mature roles.
	So it's kind of satirical in a way.
	Of course we strayed far from that.
	So yeah, I like clickbait.
	Although, I gotta say, when you look at like this Tucker Carlson article from yesterday, what was it in?
	Daily Beast?
	You gotta do this, by the way, folks.
	Please, when you read an article that sounds dubious, please Google image the author and you will see Slightly effeminate, yet straight cock-blocker from high school.
	You will see the guy who tried to sabotage you getting laid in high school.
	That is who dominates most left-wing media these days.
	And this article, what was it called again?
	It was all about how evil Tucker Carlson is because he was on Bubba the Love Sponge ten years ago and said controversial things.
	It's Bubba the fucking Love Sponge.
	So the article was called, um, Tucker Carlson defended statutory rape in 2015 with Proud Boys founder Gavin McInnes.
	I notice they're very careful about, um, uh, how they describe me since I declared that lawsuit.
	It's no longer hate group leader.
	It's now accurate, which is Proud Boy's founder.
	But anyway, this article, so the header you can look it up yourself.
	Tucker Carlson defended statutory rape in 2015 with Proud Boy's founder Gavin McInnes, Charles Davis.
	Now I know I'm cutting, I'm contradicting myself right now, because I just said I like clickbait, but then the article has to be true.
	But this is kind of clickbait.
	He did technically defend statutory rape, But the way, it's a different environment.
	The National Enquirer is fun and silly.
	This is like purporting to be serious news.
	And when you read that, you think he defended rape.
	Statutory just seems superfluous.
	And you go, oh my god, this guy's like Roush V. He wants rape to be legal.
	Then you read it, and he's saying, eh.
	When a 16-year-old boy gets fucked by a super hot teacher Who's like 23 and might not even be married and have kids.
	That's not the same as a 16 year old girl getting fucked by some creepy male teacher.
	And anyone who denies that is full of shit.
	Now I will concede, if a teacher fucks your 14 year old son, You should probably beat that bitch up or something like I'm not saying Jimmy Kimmel had a joke on late night when he said unfortunately the father passed away he died of excessive high fives and he's talking about the father of one of these boys I laughed when I heard that because I didn't have sons at the time but
	I value my son's innocence, so I would be fucking pissed if that happened to my boys, because I want their sexuality to be normal progression.
	You know, a 14-year-old and a 14-year-old.
	I remember when I was a kid, we heard about this guy, I think his name was Barry, and He had sat on his unfinished basement floor with a girl his age that I guess was his girlfriend and they'd slowly like taken off their shirts and touched each other.
	He touched her boobies really slowly and then they kissed and that's all they did.
	And we laughed our 13 year old heads off at those fucking losers.
	But I look back on it now and I go, yeah, that's kind of ideal.
	As far as exploring sexuality, we want baby steps.
	And with all the porn going around now, I think that is a pipe dream.
	I don't think anyone's gonna casually, quietly explore something and then stop when it gets too heated.
	It's gonna be fucking ball gags out of the gate.
	But anyway, as a parent, as a dad, you don't want your son's innocent fucked with.
	Leave her alone.
	Leave him alone, you crazy bitch.
	However, A male teacher and a female student?
	Come on.
	We remember high school.
	We remember women were not as libidinous as boys.
	I remember being 14 and praying to God to stop the boners.
	Anything, God.
	Anything.
	If it's pepperoni pizza, fine, I'll eat 30 a day.
	Just stop this.
	I'm consumed, I'm still consumed at 48, but it was bad back then.
	I remember I met a handicapped guy, he was in a wheelchair, and it was at a, I used to be really into comic books as a young man.
	You have to understand, in Quebec, comic books, bon dessiné, it's not Superman and stuff.
	No American will ever understand this, but being a cartoonist in a French province like Quebec, which is basically a French country, is cool.
	I know, I know, I know!
	I know what you're thinking.
	It's got nothing to do with superheroes.
	It's graphic novels.
	Chester Brown.
	Seth.
	Joe Matt.
	Andriette Valium.
	All of these guys.
	And then modern guys like Jeffrey Brown, Peter Begg, Dan Clouse.
	All those dudes.
	Sorry, it was like being in an indie rock band.
	I don't expect you to understand.
	I know it sounds super gay.
	I'm fine with that.
	That's fine.
	But I was at a comic store, and there was this guy in a wheelchair, and I don't know how beating off came up.
	And he couldn't use his penis, of course, but he still had those thoughts.
	Mr. Bates, what's going on with you?
	Do you use your penis?
	And he couldn't use his penis, of course, but he still had those thoughts.
	I guess you just really want to eat girls out?
	That must be it.
	Holy shit, ladies.
	If you're swiping through Tinder and there's a guy who's paralyzed from the waist down, I would swipe yep.
	Because you're going to get the pussy eating of your life.
	He's probably a fucking ninja.
	It's like Bill Gates or, no, is that the guy in the chair?
	No, Stephen Hawking.
	Stephen Hawking probably doesn't eat good pussy, actually.
	I don't think he can do anything.
	But he could write some erotic fiction for you.
	I want to own your money.
	I want to... Actually, no, that doesn't work because a lot of sexual courtship with a lady, if you're a man, is all about dominance.
	And I'm going to own you and all that.
	It doesn't sound good in a non-sexual context like a podcast, but a lot of it is like, you're my property and stuff.
	I don't think when you're just like a weird malformed slug in a chair where some nurse put a suit on you, you can really talk about dominance.
	Anyway, Jesus, this is a million crazy tangents, but that's all Tucker said.
	And I implore you when you see these articles to look up the author.
	And this guy, the guy who wrote this Daily Beast article is called Charles Davis.
	So it's kind of hard to Google image a name like that.
	You got to go Charles Davis, Daily Beast or something.
	And the guy is gayer than gays.
	Like, I don't think gays would be attracted to him.
	Gays would go, Oh, he looks like a little bitch.
	I'm only a fag.
	I don't, I'm not into like super nothing beta males.
	Have you noticed that about this generation?
	Fag is no longer an insult.
	Like when I think of my gay neighbors upstate, Maurizio built a chicken coop and then bears showed up and he was shooting at the bears.
	God damn fuck!
	Well he's Chilean so he's like, God damn fucking bears!
	And he dumped his boyfriend and he was dating this Puerto Rican who was a himbo.
	like a stupid bitch who we would sometimes I drive up with him if my wife had the car or something back when we only had one car and his slut dumb bitch boyfriend would just take a quaalude and sleep and I'm like Mauricio what are you why are you I could talk about her I actually would speak French because he spoke French and I would say in French to him because I'm from Quebec I'd say why are you with this that this salope this this con salope
	And he didn't understand what I was talking about.
	And I realized it was like talking to a guy with a trophy wife who has some dumb blonde whore that he just uses for sex.
	And he's like, what are you talking about?
	Like, yeah, she, yeah, he's a stupid bitch.
	Piece of garbage.
	He's only good for sex.
	I was sort of amazed, like, wow, homos could have dumb sluts for boyfriends.
	That seems like a waste to me.
	If I'm gay, the best part of it is my bro has a vagina in his butt.
	That's awesome.
	Now we can hang out and go see movies and build a go-kart and then fuck and watch an action movie.
	But to get a dumb bitch... I don't know.
	Anyway, it's none of my business.
	But, um...
	Yeah, he looks like one of those guys.
	And you read the article, and it's just so, ugh, it's so banal.
	I don't know if the left realizes, they're turning into a bunch of humorless school marms.
	And he made the mistake of including my interview with Tucker, which is embedded into the article.
	And you click on that, and you see two guys just riffing, having a good time.
	At one point, this is a great example too, at one point they talk about me saying that when I worked for the Daily Caller, I had the word fucking Jews was removed from my article.
	And of course, devoid of context, that sounds terrible, but this whole taking things out of context makes you look like someone who doesn't care about context.
	If you don't care about context, you're a prude.
	What you're really saying is, I don't care about the context, you should never You use such rude words.
	And that is a shitty America you're creating.
	And that's what this horrible little cunt wrote up.
	Anyway, you can dig that up on your own time.
	But I'm seeing what Tucker said on a shock jock show ten years ago.
	And he's speaking in the vernacular of the show.
	And he's saying, women are primitive, there's nothing... And he goes, I love women, but they are primitive and there's nothing they hate more than weakness.
	Uh, yeah.
	That's a fucking fact, you human pussy.
	Uh, Charles, what's your name?
	Charles Davis?
	Even if he's gay, he's not getting laid.
	That's how little of a man he is.
	But anyway, I should just mention the fucking Jews thing.
	I thought it was really funny.
	I wrote an article about meeting a Hasidic Jew on a plane ride, and then we sat together for six hours to LA.
	I've never not been around Hasidic Jews, basically, since I was 18.
	The three places they are most common is Montreal, upstate New York, the Catskills, and Williamsburg.
	And I lived in all three of those places from 18 till fucking 45.
	So I know my Hasids.
	Anyway, I did the article about how he was annoying at first.
	You know, they tend not to have social skills, the Hasidic Jews, especially around Goyim.
	And then we got along and then, you know, it was kind of a predictable article.
	You know the in the third act we're best friends and we realize our common ground and blah blah blah and we agree to disagree on some things and I had made a new friend and I got his number and everything and then at the very end he's walking away and I wrote and at the end he was walking off the plane and I looked at him and I just thought fucking Jews So the joke is that I wasn't changed after all.
	And it was a funny ending because it sort of flew in the face of the predictability of the rest of the article.
	And without it, the article just seemed a little too saccharine.
	But I never wrote for The Daily Caller again.
	They sort of quickly fired me after that.
	And not even Tacky Mag wanted to run it.
	I'm like, how can you not see that joke?
	But they didn't.
	So it ran without that, you know, that ending and it was just a very sweet article which is gay and not interesting.
	And disappointing.
	And that's sort of what my crusade is about these days.
	You guys are killing jokes.
	Jonathan Swift said the Irish should eat their babies.
	You're taking that out.
	And now it's just Jonathan Swift saying there's a population problem and it's mostly Irish Catholics.
	They live in poverty.
	There must be a solution.
	Obviously they shouldn't eat their babies, says Jonathan Swift.
	Anyway, that's catching up on the news.
	And we'll get to the mailbag at the end of this, the scrotum.
	I got some good ones.
	But I want to talk about about Ricky Gervais' show, Afterlife.
	It's beautifully written.
	He's a really good writer.
	And it's a level of sad that I think Americans lack.
	British humor can have intelligent losers like Alan Partridge.
	American humor, which I love.
	I love Beavis and Butthead and I love Homer Simpson and bonking his head and everything.
	And there's a lot of slipping on banana peel stuff.
	But Americans aren't great at sadness.
	They like things to end on a positive note.
	Every movie has to end with everyone cheering at the end.
	And I think the Brits are better at misery because it's raining out.
	That's why they're so into fashion too and they're so good at subcultures and they're so good at music because they're inside all day.
	You go to a British person's house and the wallpaper is textured.
	Because they've had a lot of time to decorate this little room.
	There's tables and tables and tables that sort of pull out if you want to have some tea.
	And there's the little display case with all the different china and silver and stuff.
	They got their TV.
	There are three fucking channels.
	I think they're up to more than three channels, but when I was a kid going to Scotland every summer, there was just BBC One, BBC Two, BBC Three.
	Governments run television.
	And of course, you have to pay your TV license.
	Which my grandfather refused to do because he was so bloody cheap.
	My grandfather built a hidden panel in his wall so to watch TV you pulled on a painting like a framed piece of art and that would open on a hinge and the TV was embedded into the wall.
	This is by the way back when TVs were were really fat so you needed a lot of wall.
	It must have stuck out the other side of the wall into his bedroom.
	I hope it did because that's where the heat comes out.
	Excuse me, sipping a coffee here.
	So yeah, they're good at misery.
	And I feel like as someone born in England to Scottish parents, I can commiserate with their misery.
	I can commiserate.
	And so I'm watching this show and it's Ricky Gervais lost his wife in it, didn't have kids.
	And he, uh, he's miserable.
	He wants to kill himself.
	He's got nothing to live for, which by the way, is clearly an homage to his girlfriend of 30 years.
	Put a ring on it, you douche.
	And the guy slowly realizes, I don't want to spoil it for you, that maybe you shouldn't kill yourself.
	Maybe life's worth living.
	You knew that's where it was going.
	And it's really funny.
	And he has a junkie for a friend.
	He decides he wants to OD on heroin.
	He changes his mind about that.
	There's a really weird scene.
	Spoiler alert.
	This whole podcast is going to be spoiler alerts.
	There's a really weird scene where he helps facilitate the junkie's death.
	And that's sort of poo-pooed, or that's just, I mean, that gets us a yelling match at one point, but it's kind of ignored.
	And I kind of had trouble with the protagonist who murdered a man.
	And make no mistake, if you introduce someone to heroin, you are murdering them.
	I used to work with a guy who was a serial killer.
	Because he had introduced, not just people to heroin, back when he was a junkie, he was clean when I met him, but he would show them how to shoot.
	And he'd be like, here's what you do, you gotta get the air bubbles out, and you gotta cook it on the spoon, and he'd introduce maybe six or seven people to heroin.
	Of course they're all dead.
	You gotta be Keith Richards to shoot heroin and live.
	So he was a serial killer.
	What's the difference?
	Tell me what the difference is.
	You're knowingly walking someone up to the edge of a cliff and teaching them how to take selfies.
	So the amazing thing about this show though, Afterlife, is it tells you a lot about Ricky Gervais.
	And the protagonist is clearly him.
	All protagonists in all shows are the guy, the writer.
	So when you're watching, you know, the kid watching his favorite movie on TV, and it's some old Western, that's the writer saying, I love old Westerns.
	Or in Independence Day, where they have the guy from Taxi being this sort of doting Jewish father, who's like, oy, my son!
	You know, Jeffrey Goldblum's dad.
	Oy, my son, he's killing the aliens!
	Is he not?
	Whoa!
	That's the writer saying, my dad is awesome, my Jewish dad, and he would have been great if there was an alien invasion.
	And he writes his dad into the movie because he thinks his dad's awesome.
	Meanwhile, you watch the movie going, why is this dad schlepping around Air Force One?
	Judd Hirsch.
	Judd Hirsch.
	That's such a superfluous character.
	He wouldn't be anywhere if it wasn't for my son David.
	He'd all be dead.
	Can you not stick your parents in my action movies, please?
	I know you love your dad.
	That's awesome.
	Dad sounds great.
	He seems like a great guy.
	I'd love to have tea with him sometime.
	I don't need him fighting aliens with me when I'm trying to watch an action film.
	It's just not Checkmate.
	Ah, the aliens come!
	They got the schmutz spinning out everywhere!
	Why is it so cold in space?
	Why would you want to be there?
	Of course they're here!
	You need to put a sweater on, David.
	Put a sweater on.
	You're gonna freeze your tuchus out there in space.
	You schmutz them?
	So, uh...
	So Ricky Gervais is the character.
	And you learn a lot about the guy.
	And one thing that drives me nuts about Ricky is his disdain for traditionalism, which is a Canadian thing and a British thing.
	They're always like, I don't need a cup.
	I'm going to drink out of a bowl.
	Like speaking of cartoonists earlier, Chester Brown, he wrote this book called Paying For It.
	It's a graphic novel.
	And it's all about how love is bullshit, man.
	You don't need love.
	You have friendship.
	Just friendship and sex.
	That's all you need.
	And people conflate the two and they think it's love.
	No.
	You just have a female friend in your house that you have sex with.
	You could have a different female friend and then pay a prostitute and you'd be just as fulfilled.
	So in it...
	It's a true story.
	It's an autobiographical cartoonist.
	In the book, he ends up having a prostitute that he goes with regularly.
	Oh!
	And then he develops a strong friendship with this prostitute and she stays in his home where he pays her a regular dividend.
	And then he's not bananas about her being with other men.
	Yeah, that's called falling in love, dickwad.
	You just married her, you tard.
	No, I didn't.
	I just have a monogamous prostitute that I pay money that's my friend.
	What do you think marriage is, man?
	Oh, I never said man before like that.
	Yeah, that was weird.
	That was weird.
	Well, you're a New Yorker now.
	I'm going to call the sheriff.
	So yeah, I'm watching it, and I'm seeing an atheist Who didn't have kids, deal with his own mortality, and guess what?
	When you're an atheist, and you have no connection to God, and you don't have kids, you don't feel like living.
	And guess what?
	You shouldn't.
	No one gives a shit.
	It's like Louis C.K.
	said, you're not married, you don't have kids, you could die right now and no one would give a shit.
	It's all about kids, and if you hate Christianity, fine.
	Deism.
	There's a scene in it where his stupid secretary, who believes in God, what a loser.
	She likes Kevin Hart.
	What a dumb bitch.
	She says, how can you not believe in God?
	What's the point?
	Why go on?
	And he says, well, do you believe in Buddha?
	And he names all these other silly gods from Papua New Guinea and whatever Hindus believe in, that blue elephant lady.
	Shiva?
	Shiva, Ganesh, and all those weird, they got a fucking cobra playing a flute on a flying carpet or something with eight blue kids with elephant faces.
	Whatever those, that's why I like Indians as immigrants, because their religion is not oppressive.
	Pakistanis, they're like convert or die.
	Hindus are like, we have a blue elephant friend here on a flying carpet and we'd love you to check him out and burn some incense and an orange and eat a cow milk and say hello to a cow as a friend.
	And you're like, I'm not doing that.
	But do you have a problem with that?
	Absolutely not.
	But you should meet my cobra friend.
	He can play a flute.
	I actually have been saying that for a long time and I Google imaged it.
	I could not find any cobras playing flutes.
	I don't know why.
	Why that's in my head.
	Oh, because people play flutes to cobras to get them out of that... No, thank you, Ryan.
	Once again, Buzz Lightyear kicks in.
	Cobra playing flute?
	Fuck, I gotta say, that cop broke my tit.
	And when I push on my right tit, I feel a click click click Sort of like that game.
	Sorry where you push the thing with the dice and it goes cook Luke cook Luke and I looked up pectoral I looked up rib cages on Google image and there is like a little you know when they when they manufacture the rib, I guess God couldn't make one entire rib So there is a seam Yeah, it was like an Ikea thing.
	Yeah, I'm pushing on it right now.
	He clicked my seam.
	This other dude at the gym came up to me and he goes, yo, did that guy, you owe him money or something?
	No, he's just a dick who punched me way too hard.
	He's a fucking giant.
	I owe him a cracked rib.
	He beats up people.
	You know what he did once to a perp?
	He realized that the guy was trying to kill him.
	And he thought this is not going to go well and he's holding the guy and they're wrestling at the top of stairs and he goes, I might die if I continue with this.
	I know what I'm going to do.
	He picks up the guy and throws both of them down the stairs.
	So he jumps down the stairs, making sure the perp hits the ground first.
	They both get knocked unconscious, and the perp is in worse than him, and that's how he ends the fight.
	So that's a typical day at work for this guy, and I stepped into the ring with him and he broke my tits.
	I don't know if I said this on the other podcast, but I said to him, this is gay, but since you left, because he went on vacation, or he went to see his wife in LA, long story, but I go, since you left, my heart hurts, and that's gay.
	And he's in EMT, and he goes, luckily, your heart is more easy to feel on your left pectoral.
	And then the previous week, I did this insane workout that had me walking like Red Fox for a week.
	Now, I'm sort of like getting out of bed going, ah!
	That's now almost three weeks I've been going, ah!
	Every time I go downstairs or get out of bed.
	I would think that would turn on my wife.
	Because I'm a badass.
	You know?
	Like I just watched Creed and he's peeing blood and stuff.
	My wife seemed turned on by that guy, Michael B. Jordan, who's definitely gay.
	I here, on the record, would like to assert that Michael B. Jordan is gay.
	My gaydar just sounds like radioactive waste.
	Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, with a Giger counter every time he walks by.
	He acts with his lips.
	He's got all these little chemises he wears in that movie too, Creed 2.
	Every shirt is like a soft, thin sweatshirt and like thin sweatpants with his bare feet in every scene.
	He lives with his parents.
	He's gay.
	In real life, he lives with his parents.
	No!
	Yeah, in real life, he lives with his parents.
	Do you think he's gay because every time you blow him in your daydreams, he enjoys it?
	Yeah, every time I'm done, I look down and go, fucking fag!
	And he's like, what are you doing?
	You would like that blowjob, you homo!
	Where are you going?
	Is your rib okay?
	Every time he leaves me alone in the apartment, I just think, fucking fag!
	I'll be back soon.
	Yeah, sure you will, faggot.
	He comes back, where were you?
	You'll be gone all day, probably.
	How the hell do we get to Creed from Ricky Gervais?
	Crack ribs?
	Oh yeah, my poor ribs.
	Anyway, my wife isn't turned on by that.
	She thinks she's living with George Burns.
	It's really hard to turn on a woman you've known since 2001.
	I don't know what I have to do.
	And I gotta be the disciplinarian in the house.
	Like, I got in trouble the other day for yelling at my daughter.
	She kinda checked me in the hallway.
	Like, every time I enforce the rules, I get this snarky talkback.
	So then I can't let that go.
	It's like being called a bitch in prison.
	Once you're a bitch, then you're a dead man.
	It's like, I'm a corrections officer.
	If someone, if a prisoner calls a corrections officer a bitch, he's gotta rattle their cage or something or he's dead.
	Can't be dead in my own home.
	It's mayhem.
	It's mayhem.
	I'm the warden someone talks back to me or Kind of checks me in the stairs.
	I got to bring down the hammer or I'm not safe But that then the wife's turned off because you're in a fight with the kids Then she's not turned on because you're walking down the stairs like you're a hundred and ninety years old.
	Anyway, I Jesus, Tangent McInnes over here.
	So I just think it's interesting that the protagonist... If you went to therapy, the podcast would be a half hour shorter every episode.
	So the protagonist is always 68% the writer.
	And this is 68% Ricky Gervais.
	And every time he goes to kill himself, his dog barks.
	He's a doggy daddy.
	His dog barks and then he says, oh, I guess I'm not going to kill myself.
	And there's a scene at the beginning where he's opening up a tin of dog food.
	And he says, if you could open a tin, I'd be dead right now.
	But you can't because you're useless.
	And he's one of these atheists, childless atheists, who loves animals.
	Animals are better than people.
	At one point in the show, he goes, the thing I love about animals, while they're better than people, is they don't whinge, which is whining in British.
	They just get on with it, you know?
	Ricky, all animals do is whine.
	My dog, if I keep him in the kitchen and we have contractors over or something, he just sits there crying all day until they leave because he can't do his job, which is barking at strangers.
	Or even in the wild, if you want to go birdwatching, one handy trick is to go... It's pretty cool.
	You know what that is?
	No.
	That is the sound of a dying animal crying, whining, whinging.
	And the reason it's good for bird watchers is birds are curious.
	So if they hear about like a dying raccoon, they go, I want to go check that out.
	So as you sit there doing the sound of a crying, whining, dying animal, birds surround you.
	And then you can go, oh, that's a keel-billed mott-mott.
	That's a yellow-bellied fart nigger.
	Said Necker.
	N-E-C-K-E-R.
	Still funny.
	Phew, that almost got me fired from my non-existent job.
	The way that would appear in Wikipedia too is it said, he regularly uses the term fart nigger.
	Is it a command?
	Yeah.
	I demand a, I demand a poot out of you.
	These goddamn fart niggers are coming in here taking our jobs.
	Those are the birds that always show up last.
	Him and his partner have joked about lazy birds that are African Americans.
	Um, but yeah.
	And I understand you're feeling protagonist because you didn't have kids.
	Let's get away from Christianity because I know that's a hot button.
	So let's just say the existence of God.
	Make it ethereal spiritual deism, right?
	You have kids.
	Your kids have kids.
	Your parents were kids.
	And when you go to church on a Sunday, you feel this inexorable connection with everyone who came before you.
	Yes, there was rapists and murderers, but there's checks and balances for them.
	Like, the murderers have nightmares every night, and they tend not to have kids, and they don't continue.
	Life is much safer.
	There's much fewer murderers now than there was a hundred years ago.
	And if you want to see God, go check the average lifespan over the past hundred years.
	It just keeps going up and up and up and up.
	We keep improving.
	We're all linked that way.
	So the bubonic plague, you know, working with farm animals, it may have killed the Indians because they didn't have immunity to it, but we died too.
	We had the plague, but we eventually got better and better at fighting disease.
	Our immune system has been getting better generation by generation.
	Like blacks get sickle cell anemia because their blood is more prone to coagulate in hot climates where your blood ends up being thinner.
	They come to a cold climate and they're over coagulating but that will change in time and they will have less sickle cell anemia as they get more and more used to living in cold climates.
	Over time we all adapt.
	The Starling was introduced to Central Park about 100 years ago, maybe it was 200 years ago, and it had no natural predators, so it took over all of North America.
	Eventually there'll be a balance with that, and the starling won't be the stupid dick it is now, who kicks people, people, kicks birds out of their nests, takes over their nests, and just dominates the entire country.
	It all started with like 30 starlings.
	I believe now they're the most common bird in that country.
	So, when you don't have kids, you're not part of the gang anymore.
	You're not inexorably linked to the rest of us.
	And suicide does feel like an option.
	Now, your barking dog, that's a pathetic excuse for a child.
	It's not better than people, Ricky.
	It's worse.
	Especially the domesticated dog that's in your house.
	That's a freak that we built.
	After thousands of years, we trained it to kiss your ass.
	So, you don't have this thing that loves you because you're you, Rick.
	It loves you because we made it love you, unconditionally.
	And that's not what wolves are like.
	All dogs come from wolves.
	Wolves, they eat every three weeks.
	They attack the alpha on a daily basis to test him.
	It's sort of like the free market.
	One restaurant has one thing of food, one food poisoning bout, and it's done.
	One alpha can't defend himself one day.
	And he's done.
	New alpha in town.
	That's not what dogs are like at all.
	So we took this weird hungry dog that's too affectionate, hungry wolf, sorry, that's too affectionate, and we just kept breeding him and breeding him until we had this loser.
	Dogs are losers.
	And just like this guy used to work with, we'd be on business trips when I had an ad agency and he'd say, God, I miss my dog.
	And I go, what?
	How can you miss your dog?
	We've been away for two days.
	And then he had kids, two daughters.
	I check in with them once in a while and I go, what's going on with your dog, by the way?
	What?
	Your dog, that boxer?
	Oh yeah, yeah.
	I gave him to my in-laws.
	I don't want that around the kids.
	Could fucking bite them or something.
	Do you miss him?
	What?
	No.
	Why would I miss a dog?
	See, once you have kids, the whole perspective changes and he doesn't see that.
	And that's also linked to God, to deism.
	And he doesn't see that either.
	So it's kind of a frustrating show to watch because you feel like saying to Ricky Gervais, hey Ricky Gervais, you should check out this show on Netflix called Afterlife by Ricky Gervais and you can see what happens to your modus operandi where kids are a pain in the ass and you shouldn't have them and there's no life beyond animals.
	Because that guy feels like killing himself.
	And that's where you are.
	That's what your utopia is, is people who feel like killing themselves.
	There's no point without kids.
	Well, what about a woman who can't have kids?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Look, 5% of the population shouldn't have kids.
	But the way it's going now is 95% of the population is told they shouldn't bother.
	And I think Ricky's new show is a great example of that.
	I hope I covered everything.
	I actually took some voice notes while I was watching.
	So I wouldn't forget anything.
	Let's go through them together, shall we?
	Don't forget to read the letter.
	Oh yeah, I will.
	Another funny thing about Ricky's show.
	I call him Ricky.
	It's like when people call Robert De Niro Bob.
	The characters keep calling his character funny.
	And it's weird how someone's writing a script.
	Oh yeah, I forgot about that.
	In the script, the guy's name's Tony.
	And at least seven different times, different characters say, Tony, don't kill yourself, you're so funny.
	And you're really funny.
	Tony, don't, no, you gotta keep going, you're so funny.
	Even his dead wife he watches videos of her and in one of the videos she goes Tony, you know, you're so fun at parties little funny red-faced fat man running around making everybody laugh and I'm thinking of Ricky Gervais at a typewriter or a little computer typing up
	About himself, it's like when you read an author's bio in a book, and it's like, Gavin has fought hard throughout his whole life, a bit of a pugilist if you will, and you're like, you clearly wrote this about yourself.
	Or you can see it in Wikipedia pages too, like, originally called a paganist, Mark identifies more with spiritual, and you're like, you're writing about yourself dude, it's so fucking obvious.
	And there's Ricky, typing up a sentence, calling him a red-faced little fat man, making everybody laugh.
	But I'm funny, do you know what I mean?
	I'm a funny guy.
	So you take comedy, you turn it into painful, and you turn it into comedy.
	I would be remiss!
	And we're laughing!
	We're laughing!
	It's so funny!
	I would be remiss if I didn't include the umpteenth time a friend or even a stranger has told me how funny I am.
	And there's a lot of political correctness in it too, like the Indian girl is, you know, just a wonderful genius.
	And by the way, lefties, when you're writing scripts and you make the black person or the Indian girl so perfect they have no depth, we don't care about them.
	That's not how people are.
	Like before House of Lies or whatever it was with Don Cheadle, Don Cheadle was always this complete angel in movies and TV shows and you're like, "A mugger could come up to this guy and shoot him in the head right now and I wouldn't blink because you didn't give him any depth.
	He's a cardboard cutout, sweetheart, African guy.
	When the guy's like unattractive and super dark, they just make him an angel.
	And you go, that's not how people are, you dumb racist.
	You don't like squares?
	Just fucking taking up space?
	Hey, like there was that movie where Adam Sandler lost his wife in 9-11 and Don Cheadle was his best friend.
	And Don Cheadle would come by and say, how you doing, man?
	Hey, you got to get back on the horse.
	Kind of like actually this Ricky Gervais show.
	And you're just looking at him going, can you make him tell an inappropriate joke or fart or steal five bucks?
	Like just make him a person.
	He doesn't exist right now.
	Alright, here's another voice note, and I apologize in advance if this repeats things, but I just want to be thorough here.
	It's funny how I shit on fiction all the time and I just basically am watching a fictional book.
	Yeah, good point me.
	I think fiction is, I did a show called Fiction is for Fags, a segment on my own show.
	And, uh, I don't understand how people can sit down with a book, which a book is like your foie gras and you're being force fed information.
	So to force feed someone else's imagination down your throat doesn't make sense to me.
	But then I watch movies and TV and that's all fiction.
	So actually no, the most of what I watch is Tucker and documentaries.
	But yeah, I do watch a lot of fiction.
	Oh, I'm glad I'm doing this voice note thing.
	The soundtrack on Ricky Gervais' show is mental.
	I think he spent 80% of his budget on it.
	He's got Elton John and not Jimi Hendrix, I don't think, but upwards of Jimi Hendrix.
	Like major fucking players.
	On this show.
	It's a movie soundtrack.
	It sounds like Thor Ragnarok or something.
	I wouldn't be surprised if Led Zeppelin are bussed out in a thing.
	I don't know what, it's kind of a cool idea too.
	Take your budget, and what most people do with TV and movies is they have a budget.
	They spend it all, they cut corners, and then they go, oh shit, we need a soundtrack.
	So they will literally spend $800 paying some random music student money to score the whole film.
	And it's whatever.
	But Ragnarok, Ragnarok?
	Ragnarok?
	I think they have Led Zeppelin in it?
	Or ACDC or something?
	Yeah, they have a Led Zeppelin immigrant song.
	Yeah, which is a...
	Yeah.
	Yeah!
	And what they do is they boost it up.
	Like, it sounds better than the original version, because they'll boost it up to be cinematic, and it just fucking sounds bad.
	I actually never really liked that song that much.
	What?
	Yeah, I knew it rocked.
	Is that the one, right?
	But yeah.
	That's it, right?
	Yeah, yeah.
	But the way they boost it up is fucking terrible.
	How can you not like that song?
	I like when people go, Led Zeppelin ripped off the blues.
	I like the blues way better.
	And you're like, OK, what would you rather clean your room to?
	She's got that all the time I say.
	That's all right.
	No, that was even too good.
	It's more like...
	No, that's even too good.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	It's always like, mud, water, willy.
	No, that's even too good.
	You look up the real originator blues, like Robert Johnson, whatever his name is, and you put that on, all scratchy on the record, and it sucks.
	It's boring.
	Immigrant song is a fucking jam and I don't care if the origins are loosely associated with blues.
	It's like Chinese food.
	You go to China and you eat Chinese food.
	You know what they do for turtle soup?
	They stick a fucking turtle in a bowl of hot water.
	That's it!
	Actually, no.
	It's in a steel dish like a pan and then they put it on the table in front of you.
	And it's just a turtle boiled alive.
	That's it.
	It's not chopped up.
	It's not fried.
	And then you have Chinese food here and it's like King Pao's, Colonel Pao's chicken or whatever.
	It's delicious.
	I like westernized cultures.
	I think it's an improvement.
	Jesus, you go to China, just say you're a vegetarian, because there's going to be millipedes, you're going to be eating a horse's eye.
	It's unbelievably disgusting bonafide Chinese food, whereas Chinese food here is awesome.
	Similarly, the Blues Originator is boring crap.
	But Led Zeppelin Immigrant Song?
	I'm obsessed with them.
	If I had a time machine, I would not go kill Hitler.
	I would go to Led Zeppelin's jam space the first time they did Immigrant Song, and I want to see them after they played it for the first time.
	And they're just looking at each other going, what the fuck?
	What did we just do?
	Jimmy, you are amazing at the guitar!
	And Rob, holy shit, you got some pipes!
	We have a jam on our hands, gentlemen!
	Oh no, did Shepard Fairey design the album for that?
	That sucks.
	Anyway, the soundtrack is awesome, and it really improves the show.
	I just emailed you two, there's the um... Shut up.
	- He comes up to, he has this dog, Bobo, who comes up to him and says, "How can you not believe in God?" And then he names a bunch of weird gods, right? - We already covered that. - Buddha and stuff. - You know, we're all just, I know he doesn't have a beard and all that shit.
	We're just all trying to figure out We're just all trying to figure out... Here I am, Gordon P. So what I was saying there is, they go, oh, you know, you make fun of Hindu gods and stuff.
	Yeah, all religion, from Hindus, Papua New Guinea, Catholicism, we're all just trying to make a semblance of Rational explanation for what we know to be true.
	Like infinity, our brains just can't understand it.
	What was before God, Ricky Gervais says on the show?
	I don't know, I can't...
	My brain is not good enough to handle that.
	So when tribesmen draw like a cloud with a lightning bolt and a guy standing on it and they pray to the trees and talk to trees and Catholics have, you know, a ceremony with eating that little wafer thingamadoodle and talking to a priest in a little cage, it's all the same!
	And isn't it a proof that God exists?
	When you go way out into the Amazon, and you find some guy with a spear, and he goes, uh, uh, uh, uh, and points up and recognizes that there's some sort of superior force, and then you go to Harvard, to the, you know, the Religion and Ethics Department, and that guy, too, points up and goes, yeah, there seems to be, you know, it seems inarguable that there is some ulterior force, you know, north of the clouds, if you will,
	Isn't the ubiquity of religion proof that God exists in and of itself?
	Any hizzle.
	What else did I say in this voice note?
	Dad, what if there was a dog that was smaller than a duck?
	That's not it.
	My youngest asked me that in the car.
	Hey dad, what if there was a dog that was smarter than a crumb?
	You mean like a brine shrimp, but a dog?
	That would be funny.
	Alright, here's one.
	Did you ever want kids?
	No.
	Annoying little fuckers.
	I mean, he's joking, but he's not.
	So, this is in the show.
	At one point, she says, did you ever want kids?
	And he goes, no.
	Annoying little fuckers.
	Which I've heard him say before.
	As Ricky Gervais.
	He's crying and he goes, this is why I didn't want kids.
	Sniveling.
	Pathetic.
	I mean, he does a lot of this shitting on kids stuff.
	Um, like he has a bit where he talks about how when kids, when you have kids you gotta pay for everything and he lists a bunch of stuff and then he ends on chemotherapy.
	And he does, you know, he goes off for a bit about that.
	And it's weird as a father hearing the childless make jokes about kids.
	They don't get it.
	It's almost like a white guy doing jokes about being black or something.
	You know?
	And he's like, you know how it is when you're in the shower using a washcloth and white people don't use a washcloth?
	White people are weird.
	Why don't white people use a washcloth?
	And you're like, yeah, that sounds kind of funny, but what the fuck do you know about it?
	All right.
	That was, uh... Yeah, it's sort of like Opie and Anthony when Jim Norton would do his uncle pedophile jokes, and Anthony, Uncle Paul, Anthony would laugh, and then Opie wouldn't like it.
	It's hard to explain to people without kids, but the whole, like, kid with chemotherapy thing.
	I'm actually at the point now where I can't go to dailymail.uk.co.gov.uk, whatever it's called, because so much of their front page is a child in peril.
	Like, oh, there was one story, a Russian guy.
	Thank God he was Russian, not near us.
	But he he raped his three year old daughter and killed her and then hanged her with one of her favorite toys just to hurt the mother who I believe then killed herself.
	I want a warning on those stories.
	But yeah, in the show, Ricky is happy to crap on kids because he doesn't really get it.
	And this is fun when you're young.
	I'm an atheist.
	It's sort of like in high school where you go, I'm a celibate, actually.
	I have no libido.
	I remember guys would do that.
	Basically, they wanted girls to try to break them as a way to get laid.
	But atheism is cool when you're a young man.
	I'm not falling for your scam.
	I'm looking for logic.
	You need to show me, you need to prove to me it exists.
	But then you get older and you don't have kids because you're an atheist and kids are illogical and you don't get married because that's just a piece of paper.
	And when those three conflate, I don't believe in God.
	I'm not married.
	I don't have kids.
	You realize that you bucked the system so well that you're no longer a participant in humanity.
	And the next thing you know, you're writing a sitcom about suicide because it's going through your mind.
	No, I'm happy.
	I'm writing a character.
	Ricky, we can see you in Tony.
	And you fucked up, basically.
	And you fucked up because you don't get it.
	I understand you're not getting it if you don't have kids.
	When you talk about your pets.
	Those of us with kids, when we hear you talk about your pets, it's just like having kids, my dogs.
	Oh really?
	What school are your dogs going to?
	Do you live in a good school district for your fucking dogs?
	I know a guy whose son killed himself.
	It's a long, horrific story that's just unimaginable.
	But I bring it up because he couldn't cry.
	I mean, he could cry, obviously, but he couldn't mourn.
	He had to sort of do that in private because the kids are there.
	He has like four other kids.
	And he has to soldier on, which I believe is part of the biological design by the big guy, where I can't have parents killing themselves all over the place.
	So I'll put in a thing where you have to keep smiling and soldier on because you have other kids and they need a father.
	And by the way, here's another one that no one talks about.
	You got to remarry.
	Like Mary Catherine Ham, I think she's finally got a new dude.
	It's your moral obligation if your husband dies or your wife dies to remarry because kids need two parents.
	So you gotta soldier on.
	And they do!
	These people, these victims.
	I know another, I know a friend of mine died and he had two kids and a wife and you know, she obviously had a rough year but...
	She's now remarried and has kids with the new guy, and everyone's happy.
	They soldiered on.
	But if you don't have kids, you don't need to soldier on.
	Louis C.K.
	was right.
	You could fucking die.
	You know, I quit hard liquor for Lent.
	And you just go to bed every night like a bloated seal.
	After having drank about six beers, zero buzz at all.
	You gotta get up in the middle of the night and piss.
	You kinda get a hangover sometimes, a little bit of a headache, but not really.
	And I don't know, man.
	I don't get how, my dad's an alcoholic, and he only drinks Bud Light.
	So he'll have maybe 1,000 a day.
	I don't get how you get a buzz off these.
	All right, we're running out of time here.
	I gotta go see a man about a horse.
	Let's do the mailbag, shall we?
	Ready?
	We should have a song.
	There should be some sort of introduction.
	Mailbag, mail... I always do Wayne's World.
	It's the mailbag.
	Send in your notes.
	We'll read them on the show.
	And then we'll answer your questions.
	Mailbag.
	Is that Tracy Chapman?
	Yeah.
	She's got a fast call.
	You got a mailbag.
	Send yourself in a serial here.
	Isn't it weird how people have hits like that and they just vanish?
	Like, what ever happened to him?
	Her.
	You were right the first time.
	Talk about a revolution.
	And she also did... So she had some... What is it with lesbians, or at least lesbian music, where they... It's the jaw.
	Every line has to hit every possible note.
	That's the thing about women, too.
	They're always like... I'm never just gonna... like Annie DeFranco.
	Or Sia.
	Uppy Downy.
	Or Sia, Sia.
	Up be downy, up be downy.
	Yeah.
	You have been there.
	We get it.
	It's almost like Jack Black.
	It's a bass.
	Cello.
	Every time you do an invitation, I go, that sounds easy.
	I'm going to do it.
	Then I do it and it sucks.
	Cello.
	It's a bass.
	That was perfect.
	There's literally nothing wrong with what you just did.
	That was just as good as mine.
	Not kidding.
	Don't say literally.
	Okay, here's a good one.
	So this guy goes, Uhuru brother, I like your new sunglasses.
	I'd like to preface this by saying I'm a cisgender blah blah blah.
	Been meaning to write you for a while.
	My brother has turned into a total Miles McInnes and he even organized an intervention style meeting with my family to get me to stop listening to your show.
	This is a weird thing and a new thing about the left.
	That not only are they not satisfied with like, I hate that guy, but no one else can even listen to him.
	So we've gone from free speech where you can't say what you want, to you can't listen to what you want.
	What if he hate listens to me?
	Anyway, this all came about after the whole fake FBI designation.
	And he's talking about when Proud Boys were called a hate group by the FBI, which they were not.
	And he convinced my whole family that the FBI is coming after me, despite the fact that we live in Canada.
	He also convinced my family that I'm a right-wing extremist.
	And even though I'm pretty left-leaning, because I called into your old Gavin McInnes show twice to talk about the chicks I was seeing at the time.
	Hashtag no wanks.
	Anyways, I stupidly mentioned the name of my small city I was living in at the time to you and Dante as well.
	I noticed that immediately after this fake FBI designation and my whole intervention, that the city I mentioned randomly got hit by a barrage of fake bomb threats and hate crime hoaxes.
	Did I accidentally cause all of this?
	Or am I just being overly paranoid because my family's crazy?
	I feel like I may have accidentally doxxed that whole small city.
	I'd love to hear your thoughts on this situation.
	I like you more than a friend.
	And then he gets scared and he goes, sends me another one going, please don't mention my name or email on the show.
	And so I just, I'm not mentioning your name, you douche, but I just emailed him back and I go, maybe try growing a ball, you complete fucking loser.
	And then I said, and yes, we'll be reading all of this on the show with your name and the name of the town.
	You're fucked.
	That's fucking hilarious.
	It's just so frustrating when I'm out here, you know, getting my home docks, my phone docks, and fired and de-platformed, and some guy's like, did I jeopardize my town?
	Oh, what have I done?
	Oh, I jeopardized the town.
	God, what a disgusting pussy.
	It's like, again, gay is no longer an insult.
	Gays are way cooler than those guys.
	Women, to call you a bitch is an insult.
	Not an insult, women are way tougher than you.
	And you get guys now saying, yeah, well I'm a total bitch.
	Just saying it like it's fun.
	Like I'm allergic to cats.
	I'm a total pussy, I can't deal with that.
	Oh yeah, yeah.
	I'm allergic to cats and I'm a total pussy.
	I do hear that a lot.
	Huh.
	I got one.
	Okay.
	I'm gonna skip the joke.
	Yeah, we're not doing any I Just Flew Back From, so please stop sending them.
	I get nothing but that.
	I have thousands.
	And you ruined it for me, too, by the way.
	Because you sent me so many that were half-assed that it's like hearing shitty punk.
	Ah.
	So CJ from Wollongong, Australia says, Ryan is a dead-set legend and anyone who thinks otherwise is a soft cock.
	I like that because I've never heard anybody... Have you ever heard that before?
	No.
	A soft cock.
	I like it.
	I like it because you ever do so much coke, and this is, I don't do drugs anymore, but back in my heyday I may or may not have tried it, and you've got some awesome situation, maybe even a threesome.
	A very awesome situation.
	And everything's going great, and you look down, and your dick, not only is it flaccid, but it's not even connected to your body.
	And it's just, it's like you're wearing a dead strap on.
	Like a skin tag.
	It's a skin tag.
	And you're like, the rage you feel too is like, we have been buddies since I was born.
	And right now at the most important part of our lives, you left?
	You know, there's like a, we'll be back in two days sign on your dick.
	And it's like a way on vacation in Puerto Vallarta.
	And you just look at it going, I fucking hate you.
	I want to strangle you.
	And you choke its little neck.
	And it just doesn't care.
	And you can feel, too.
	It's not like, say someone said, can you do 30 push-ups?
	And you can usually do 25.
	You go, maybe I could get...
	To 25.
	It's like someone with no arms being told to do push-ups.
	Like there's no hope in hell that it's coming back.
	So to call, and you feel so much rage too.
	You want to fucking stab it.
	Well, a little bit of pain goes a long way for that.
	Cause it wakes up the senses a little bit.
	Cause the thing is, it feels nothing.
	It's just like a, so you would suggest grabbing a fork and just giving it a poke?
	Grab a fucking spoon.
	Hit your dick with a spoon.
	Okay, that's Ryan's tip.
	You gotta get the blow.
	My buddy Dan, his tip was, if you ever get, he's a really high-pitched voice unfortunately, and he goes, if you ever get like that, you gotta smell her ass.
	It's a poor man's Viagra.
	All right.
	Someone sent me an interesting thing.
	There's a place called the Cinque Terre, which I guess means in French, the five earth.
	It's on the coastline of Italy.
	It has an almost mythic status among travelers.
	And very recently they've decided to enforce a no flip-flops rule.
	If you choose to ignore the advice, you could face fines between $56 and $2,000.
	It's all because mountain rescue teams are becoming increasingly exasperated with rescuing ill-prepared visitors on the mountainous walkways.
	Isn't that awesome news?
	Now, I had said that there was a British dictator who would force people to eat their flip-flops.
	And people have been saying, I did a lot of research and the only article I could find is by you saying it's EDM in.
	So I might be wrong about that, but that's good news.
	That's a great place to retire.
	If you ever want to retire to a place where there's no men's toes, which by the way, in New York City, where there's feces, urine, syringes, crack vials, barf everywhere, the summer's full of men in their toes, men in their flip-flops, men wearing suits.
	In advertising, you see men wearing suits, a blue suit with a pink shirt, and then fucking flip-flops.
	I do have to make an argument for it.
	Having your toes freely getting air and aerating themselves and not getting stuffed up in the shoe, I argue, is better if you could just avoid some puddles and feces.
	So as long as you're cautious, way better.
	Ryan is doing an imitation of a man named Bill Schultz, who you may remember from Red Eye.
	He now has my old gig on Compound Media.
	Mornin' is the show he does.
	Mornin'.
	He does wear flip-flops.
	And he has bunions!
	I didn't notice that, but... I thought you got bunions from wearing high-heeled shoes too much.
	He has bunions.
	Can you get him from thinking about it?
	And I go, what are you doing, Bill?
	Sometimes it's like when you wear cologne.
	I just feel like turning around and going home.
	And I go, what?
	You just ruined our whole date.
	And I'm like, I know.
	I'm just wearing these.
	Look, again, I suck.
	I know these drive you insane, and I'm trying to make you mad.
	Yeah, well, you made me mad.
	Congratulations.
	At least you're calling it cologne now instead of perfume.
	I think we're getting somewhere here.
	Ryan wears perfume.
	Cologne.
	It's Burberry London and it smells like, it's a fall fragrance, I have to start retiring it soon and go to my, something before my Acqua Di Gio, which is a summer.
	Alright, I think we make the letter page too long.
	The problem is I get like a hundred a minute.
	Yeah.
	But we'll cut it off pretty soon.
	But this is a really interesting letter I got from a Marine.
	And I always, I hate fandom.
	God damn it.
	I met this kid the other day.
	Some friend of mine, my lawyer actually says, I have a, my friend's son is in town.
	He'd love to meet you.
	All right, fine.
	I go there and he brings his aunt and she's being a cunt.
	She works in HR and I can't help but say to these women, women don't belong in the workforce.
	It's a fun thing to say to women because they just see red after that and they become totally irrational, which ends up proving my point.
	And then at the end he wants an autograph.
	So I just wrote, autographs are gay.
	Fucking grow up.
	He brought it on a beer coaster.
	And he's taking selfies, and he FaceTimes his friend.
	Anyway, it was an annoying pain in the ass.
	But when anyone military contacts me, or cops, I'm very happy to talk.
	Because this is someone who's willing to die for me, basically.
	That's better than some kid who wants a fucking selfie.
	And by the way, once again, what do you do with selfies?
	You put them on your Facebook page?
	Even Proud Boys, they're always taking pictures of themselves.
	Why?
	Well, you take pictures of your kids.
	Yeah, because my kids have a different head every year.
	After college, I spent seven years in the Marine Corps.
	I was an infantry Marine, but the tail end of my time was spent on recruiting duty, which sucked.
	What bothered me most about how we had to recruit was the amount of time and attention we had to spend on diversity recruiting.
	We had to hit numbers for African-Americans, Hispanics, females, and others, which was basically anyone not a white male.
	The thinking, as we were told, was that their goal was to match our force with the makeup of the American population so the Marines could identify with their leadership better.
	I was recruiting for Marine officers.
	I don't believe that.
	I don't believe that black Marines would identify with a black sergeant more than a white sergeant, especially when it's so... the skill is so rare.
	It's sort of like skateboarding.
	It's such a rare skill to be able to skateboard that when you go to a skate park, there's like black kids, rich kids, poor kids, white kids, Asian kids, and everyone treats each other very well because Only a tiny fraction of the population can go up a half pipe and ollie over a doohickey and do a rail slide and all that stuff.
	My son used to be into skateboarding.
	I'd take him to the skate park and it was amazing how much respect they treated him with.
	He sucked, but they would, you know, go around him and they never went, what the fuck are kids doing here?
	They would just...
	And there was, you know, 30-year-olds and 5-year-olds.
	Because it's such a rare skill that everything else is on the back burner.
	That's the way comedy used to be, by the way.
	It was such a rare skill that they didn't care what race or gender you were.
	Just, oh, holy shit, she got up there and she was funny.
	Doesn't matter if it's Richard Pryor or Roseanne Barr.
	It was a rare skill.
	And that's the way boxing is.
	Race is not a thing.
	To be able to get up there and get hammered, I don't mean drunk, but pounded, and be able to last for 12 rounds.
	I've been reading about Jack Dempsey, 20 rounds at a time?
	It's such an incredible skill.
	No one goes, yeah, but he's part Puerto Rican and part Japanese.
	So he's kind of smart, but also likes frogs.
	That never happens.
	And that's the way it should be with the Marines.
	Holy shit, you made it this far?
	I don't care that you have a mole on your neck.
	Anyway, back to the letter.
	I am pretty much every other Marine had plenty of issues with this.
	For starters, the Marines are the whitest, most male branch of service.
	For plenty of reasons, we just attracted more white men.
	So it was incredibly difficult to find people to hit these numbers.
	But we had orders, so we made it happen.
	What suffered was the quality.
	Officers can't just sign up for service in the Marines.
	They have to apply and be selected.
	They have to meet certain standards and really compete with their peers for a chance to go training.
	It would be totally common for a group of absolute stud white men to be told they would have to wait a year or more for a chance to join while we would bend over backward to get any black guy or girl with a pulse through the pipeline.
	Barely hitting the physical fitness standards, poor grades and test scores, run-ins with the police, all shoved aside in the name of diversity.
	White guys with the same issues?
	Sorry bud, try the army or come back in a year.
	While this is commonplace in the corporate world, which I now exist, I work for a big bank, and I expected this bullshit, it blew my mind that the military would give two shits about this stuff.
	At its core, C-O-R-E, the Marine Corps, C-O-R-P, is a war-fighting organization.
	We train to kill people, bottom line, and we depend on the people to our left and right to bring us back from hell alive and in one piece.
	Yeah, exactly!
	This is like the fire department, where they get some frail Asian chick, Some fat guy is inhaling smoke.
	You should all be Viking beasts.
	That's it.
	If you can't lift a 170 pound person on your back with ease, by the way, because you're inhaling smoke too, you may not be a fireman.
	If that means it's 90% white guys and 10% black guys and zero woman, I don't give a shit.
	I don't give a shit!
	Why does everyone give a shit?
	There's not enough Asian painters at this school.
	Why are there no albino fishermen?
	You know, I've got an idea where, um, you're searching for racism and stuff like that, and then you also have to fit in diversity quotas for that, so you're like, oh shit, I gotta look for some, uh, non-white racism, just to be diverse.
	Oh, that happens!
	Indian racism.
	Dude, that happens!
	The SPLC!
	Really?
	Yeah, they go, oh shit, we have way too many white racists, let's, let's include the black Israelites.
	Holy shit, nice.
	And get some of their, they don't include Islam for some reason, but they definitely include the Hebrew Israelites, who, by the way, are racist.
	But, besides the ones you see in Brooklyn, screaming at people, you know, with their puka shells all over their forearms and stuff, they have in the south side of Chicago, they have entire Hebrew-Israelite communities that quietly dislike whites and stay away from white people because it's not their cup of tea.
	That's none of my beeswax!
	Why do I give a shit?
	Why should anyone give a shit if a group of black people, now of course if you make them white it's the worst thing in the world, but the baby steps.
	If a group of black people want to live segregated on their own accord and they're not hurting anyone, why is that a crime?
	Because they have bad thoughts?
	What kind of invasive dick weed are you where you care about someone's thoughts?
	You weren't thinking about me when you beat off?
	Fuck you.
	That's actually a thing.
	You have these trans people who say, if you care about whether someone is male or female, and you're anti-trans, and you don't watch trans porn, then you're a transphobe.
	So basically, beat off to me, or you're a bigot.
	Pretty high standards.
	I wish I could say that to women.
	Hey, what the fuck's the matter with you?
	Yeah.
	Why were you not diddling your bean to me?
	I gave you an 8x10.
	It was signed.
	Why is that not on your wall?
	Able speech.
	What the fuck is your problem?
	You have a problem with guys who look like hairless cats wearing a fake beard?
	Fuck you.
	Anyway, sorry.
	I get a Scottish mailbag.
	Uh, we're not done.
	Oh.
	We had green Marines and dark green Marines.
	It just didn't matter.
	We're not in a draft scenario like Vietnam, filling the ranks with criminals who never wanted to be there.
	My Marines did not give a fuck what race I was, and I didn't care what race they were.
	We did what we had to do and chose to be there.
	We loved our jobs.
	Internally, we bitched about this a lot amongst each other.
	But of course, we were trained to do what we were ordered to do without question, so we did it.
	This discontent included the black and female recruiters I worked with, too.
	We all hated it.
	But like you always say, top brass that fuck stuff up all the time.
	That's not a sentence that's very clear, but I have always said, fuck the police's boss.
	Uh-oh, I gotta take this call.
	Hello?
	Okay, I'm on my way.
	I'll add that this wasn't always the case for recruiting.
	The diversity bullshit started under Obama, go figure.
	Same group who are forcing females into roles they're not physically able to perform in, but that's another email.
	Anyway, love the show.
	Love Ryan.
	Huh.
	Give him a break.
	Thank you, sir.
	All right, I gotta go.
	Thank you for your service.
	I got a meeting.
	We've only...
	We've only barely scratched the surface of the mail bag, which is a funny thing.
	Yeah, screw them.
	But Ryan, why don't you tell your Scottish?
	Please don't do a Scottish accent.
	Oh, I was gonna.
	Okay, you do it and I'll tell you why it sucks.
	He types it phonetically.
	All right, Gavin, my name is Matt.
	I'm from Glasgow and my pals listen to the podcast all the time.
	What's your opinion on Tenant?
	Surely the best beer gone is better than Shitey Budweiser.
	All right.
	Wait a sec.
	Hear you.
	See you tenants.
	That's a woman's pint by the way.
	That's a fucking lager.
	See Budweiser.
	It's no for women.
	Women don't like Budweiser.
	They have Bud Light at best by the way.
	So if you're gonna judge a beer, it's an ethereal subject.
	But you're obligated to check what gender likes what beer.
	And women don't like Budweiser, but women do like Tennants.
	So you're drinking a woman's pint, which is the same as drinking cum, you fanny.
	Fanny?
	That means vagina.
	Although I think that's English.
	I do Irish very good.
	Let's hear it.
	Is this an Irish letter?
	It's from an Irishman, yeah.
	Dear Gavin, wait.
	If you want to do Irish, just say to yourself in your head, top of the mornin'.
	Top of the mornin'.
	I like you more than a friend, but I can excuse Joe Rogan for mixing up Perrie Ellis and Fred Perry.
	Pop culture isn't a strong point.
	All right, shut up.
	You're hurting my ears.
	We'll read that next week.
	Folks, it's over.
	Go to nohate.com.
	We've got a lot of stuff happening soon.
	That I'm supposed to promote that I already forgot.
	Oh, my Australian tour is looking good.
	Milo got his visa approved pretty much 24 hours after Tucker brought it up on his show.
	And I know for a fact Tucker's people were about to really hammer Australia.
	So people get scared when their news reaches across the pond.
	So that could still happen?
	I think the odds are looking very good now.
	I would say 6.7 out of 10.
	Yeah!
	And we'll record it and we can maybe make a Netflix special out of it.
	Nice!
	And I could be with Milo, Alex Jones, Tommy Robinson, who knows?
	The band of rogues who would end up there.
	Do you know how many views that would get?
	It'd probably be the most poppin' thing ever.
	It's weird, Alex Jones is massive in Australia.
	But no one's heard of Owen Benjamin over there.
	Or Paul Joseph Watson.
	No idea who he is.
	Even though he's British.
	But they all know Alex Jones.
	Anyway, I gotta go.
	Bye.

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