Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - Get Off My Lawn Podcast #121 | Let's take a really close look at the mail bag

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March 14, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:33:49

Get Off My Lawn Podcast #121 | Let's take a really close look at the mail bag

Today's show is dedicated entirely to the mail bag. We get to a ton of emails, but we've barely scratched the surface.

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	Let's take a really close look at the male bag.
	And Ryan, you should spell that M-A-I-L.
	M-A-I-L or M-A-L-E?
	What?
	M-A-L-E is a male bag.
	What?
	I should spell it the way male, like a male man or like a female male.
	I don't understand how you could not know that I'm aware of the double entendre here.
	Yes.
	You don't think that's occurred to me?
	Well, last time you told me to spell it M-A-L-E.
	Where?
	Last time you spoke about it.
	You said it was a speech.
	In the write-up.
	On the podcast.
	You said, where would you be spelling it?
	In the write-up.
	Oh, are you sure?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	And then I spelt it that way.
	Because then it forces.
	Sorry.
	Joke's on me.
	Sorry.
	This time I wanted M-A-I-L.
	Okay.
	But some people don't like the mailbag.
	And if you're one of those people, fuck you.
	Get lost.
	Don't listen to this episode.
	Yeah.
	I kind of like it.
	I got some biggies coming up.
	I was thinking about doing the history of punk, but I may make that a green screen video.
	I'm going to start amassing stuff for this new show.
	So when you click on and sign up, there's a bunch of shit there and not just one video.
	So maybe I'll save that for that.
	I also want to talk about Jill Abramson's new book, The Merchants of Truth.
	I started reading that.
	She basically followed The Washington Post, The New York Times, Vice, and BuzzFeed over the past sort of 20 years, but more specifically, the past 10 years.
	And she uses them as an example of what's happening to media.
	I've hung out with her for a couple days, two separate, very long interviews.
	She's incompetent.
	I'm halfway done the book.
	I'm up to 17 major errors, like calling Shane Smith the editor of Vice.
	Big doozies.
	And I realized that she kind of personifies the problem with the New York Times and boomer reporting, which is they do novellas.
	They do historical novels.
	I think this started sometime in the 1700s, maybe the 1800s, where they said, hey, let's take history and make it fun.
	So we'll do like Braveheart.
	Braveheart's a good example.
	The love interest in the second half of Braveheart would have been four years old at the time.
	So they make her an adult, and it helps the story along, blah, blah, blah.
	That's how she wrote this book.
	It's a novel.
	And she makes this person that and this person that and changes shit around.
	And, you know, she makes BuzzFeed.
	They started in 06, but she makes this weird conflict in 2002 where there was the BuzzFeed people and the Vice People and they were different camps.
	BuzzFeed didn't exist, lady.
	What are you talking about?
	Wow.
	That's one minor, I don't even know if I listed that in the 17.
	Like there's times when Shane was lying, when he said he was in a gang where nine people died, and eventually it was like, what's the point, you know?
	That's her believing a Shane lie.
	I didn't include that.
	I include her making terrible, brutal mistakes.
	And of course, if you look up, Michael Moynihan documented her plagiarism very well.
	And that's shocking.
	I didn't even include that.
	So anyway, that'll be a whole other one.
	What's the name of the book?
	The Merchants of Truth.
	You know, I was making myself laugh because it's like, we are the merchants of truth.
	It's the fan air.
	Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
	I fucking hate that band.
	What's that, Dire Straits?
	Yes, dude.
	They were all.
	Fuck Mark Noffler and his bald head and his guitar, his little bandana.
	Ooh, that ain't working.
	That's the way you do it.
	Ryan, I want you to know when you like a band, it means it's a shitty band.
	Your taste in music is a woman's because you grew up without a dad.
	So you like Roxanne's music.
	You're a woman.
	You're worse than a woman.
	You're a Puerto Rican woman from the 80s.
	Yeah.
	You were trying to convince me the other day that a really good song is What's Love Got to Do With It by Tina Turner.
	That's a jam.
	Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?
	Whoa.
	Yeah.
	That's not even good Tina Turner.
	She had like Proud Mary, keep on burning, or she's jumping around like she just did a huge line.
	That was reasonable.
	But late Tina Turner, that's like being into late Prince.
	You're abroad.
	Listen to this beat.
	Yeah, I see a guy with hair like yours, but blonde, with a really baggy peach shirt, who does coke non-recreationally.
	He does coke the way I do Gatorade.
	It's just around.
	Like he doesn't even do it with buddies.
	Do you like Paula Abdul?
	I like the one song straight up.
	Yep.
	Do you like Gloria Estevan?
	Yeah, I like that one song.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Celina's really good.
	You're a douche.
	All right.
	Anyway, let's try to cleanse people's mental palate from your horrible taste and scooch a luch over here to the mailbag.
	Anyway, I'll get to Merchants of Truth in another episode.
	I think that one will be called Every Story About Vice is Wrong.
	The only accurate portrayal of vice, the early days, is my book, Death of Cool.
	It's 100% honest.
	I offered $1,000 to anyone who can find me lying in that book.
	It's a totally honest portrayal of the vice story.
	And her version is terrible.
	Terrible.
	Oh, they were sexist.
	Oh, I was kicked out for being racist.
	Racism was a big thing with me again and again and again.
	Like no Japanese puke porn or any of the other raunchy stuff.
	They just isolate that one thing.
	And it's all seen through the lens of a New York Times writer.
	So every time she chooses a source with Vice, it's almost always The New York Times.
	When it's another source, she doesn't mention the source and just plagiarizes them unapologetically.
	She even said I started a white supremacist gang called the Proud Boys, and I was arrested after doing my talk on October 12th.
	That's not in the book.
	She said that at a promo for her book.
	I was arrested?
	What, bitch?
	She's just a dumb, rich Upper West Side cow who's probably paid a bunch of loser interns to do the majority of the work for the book and didn't even check to see if they had plagiarized everything.
	And it's ironic that she's, you know, talking about the merchants of truth and defending the New York Times.
	Everything you need to know about the New York Times is in Bill McGowan's two books, Gray Lady Down and Coloring the News, which they refused to review, of course, because it portrayed them badly.
	Anyway, sorry, I'm doing a future podcast in this podcast.
	This one is all about the male bag, which really is one of the least appealing things on a human.
	A labium majoris gets a bad rap.
	I think pussies are beautiful, but gays disagree with me.
	Jim Goad slapped me in the face and said, how dare you say a pussy's beautiful?
	It's not.
	It's an acquired taste.
	I do agree it's an acquired taste, but I think they're pretty.
	And even when women are fat, they look kind of good.
	Like when I'm, what are you doing?
	Oh, that's from outside.
	When a man is fat, he's got hairs everywhere protruding.
	And ugh, we're so turgid when we're fat.
	We're not curvy.
	Although, you know what we should do?
	You know those commercials or those videos that they do where they go, everyone is beautiful.
	Everything's beautiful.
	And they have some photo shoot that is with like Emily Rajatowski or some supermodel or Gigi Hadid wearing a man's shirt and nothing else and, you know, sitting on a couch.
	And then they'll redo it with some enormous fat pig.
	Me and who else?
	Gary Friar Tuck guy, some big fat guys we know, should recreate those photo shoots.
	Or imagine Anthony Kumia recreating a David Beckham Calvin Klein perfume photo shoot.
	That's crazy.
	Cologne.
	Wouldn't that be awesome where we go, we're just as beautiful.
	It's just a matter of being lit.
	It's amazing that these tubs of lard think that if they just get the same lighting, then they'll be just as attractive as a woman who's so pretty that she has nothing else to offer the world.
	Women so beautiful that they talk like they have brain damage.
	Lena Dunham paints like a beautiful woman.
	We were just looking at some of her paintings where she paints her friends.
	You got to check them out.
	She is as talented as a breathtakingly gorgeous woman, but she's not.
	She's a hideous, self-obsessed tub of shit.
	One of the worst painters I've ever seen.
	My kids are honestly better than her, and I'm not exaggerating.
	My six-year-old is a better artist than Lena Dunham, and I'm not exaggerating.
	All right, should we start this?
	Was I done talking about the mailbag?
	It really is.
	I guess like if you were to shave it kind of short and then you're cold, so it gets, you know, kind of like a prune and it's less dangly, that's the best it gets.
	And that just looks like a weird fruit, like some exotic kiwi that went bad, that was left in the edge of a beach for three weeks, and it got saltwater pollution or something.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	Well, it looks like a shell with a bunch of weird thumbprints on it or something.
	That'd be funny if they don't use it because it's just too much work, but your bag print is actually much more accurate than your fingerprint.
	If you just dip, like you go to customs, they draw the curtain and you just like they put some ice on it and then they dry it off to get it nice and cold.
	And then you dip your bag on the ink and you dip your bag on the large red square in front of you.
	And they're just like, yep, those lines match up.
	Just a mug shot and then two fucking bag prints.
	Although, you know, I've talked to fags about bags.
	And that's a talk show.
	Fags about bags.
	Talking to fags about bags.
	I got to go to see a fag about a bag.
	Yeah.
	The guy works at a purse manufacturer.
	He works at Coach.
	Where do you work?
	Coach.
	I'm just basically, I just talk to fags about bags all day.
	This is Newbuck.
	It just came in from France.
	It's pink.
	I'm a fag bag.
	Actually, isn't that what you call when a man has a purse?
	You call it a fag bag, right?
	Yeah.
	I saw some black dude on the corner by your house the other day.
	He's like, you know, regular dude, just like working class guy, Timberlands on, waiting for the bus.
	And he had one strap that goes over the shoulder, another strap that goes around the side, and then there's a little bag on the front that could maybe hold like a baseball hat and an iPhone.
	Not much.
	And it had a little clip on it.
	So it was kind of utilitarian looking.
	It obviously wasn't flamboyant, but it was still a purse.
	Yeah.
	Now he's much bigger than me, and I felt like just saying, nice fag bag.
	But I chickened out.
	Yeah, you shouldn't.
	Yeah, why pick a fight with giant black men?
	I'm done, by the way, with fighting cops.
	I'm not doing it anymore.
	Oh, like boxing cops.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, I'm done.
	You know why?
	And this is also why they should retire.
	I used to make fun of them for getting to retire at 40 and getting that insane pension.
	They should retire at 40.
	You know why?
	Dude, that monitor is distracting me.
	Can you turn it off?
	Yep.
	Their cortisone levels are shattered after 20 years on the job.
	You know what cops have to do after 20 years on the job?
	They'll be going into an apartment where a guy's about to kill his kids and he has a gun and he's going to execute them and himself and you.
	And they'll have to go, come on, me, get pumped, get pumped.
	Because they're not scared.
	Huh.
	They'll wake up their adrenaline.
	Yeah, they're like, come on, dude.
	This is actually pretty serious.
	You should be scared.
	Meanwhile, you know, the rookie is pooping in his pants, which you should be, you know, because you want your eyeballs, all that stuff that adrenaline does, the fight or flight stuff, where your brain's moving faster And your eyes go like golf balls, and they take more in like you're on natural Adderall.
	That's the way you have to be to survive.
	But towards the end, they're just like, I'll blow his head off if he tries to shoot his kids.
	And when you fight those guys, the secret to boxing is to be relaxed.
	And not only are they relaxed, but they sort of have this, you got a fucking problem?
	So when you punch a cop in the head, he just nails you.
	And it's not supposed to be that inspiring.
	It's supposed to be buddies.
	All right, that brings us to our first letter from Peter Voss.
	I'm saying all your names, by the way.
	Like, you're going to get fired because you wrote a letter into a podcast?
	This is not Daily Stormer.
	Maybe the content's a little dicey, though.
	You never know.
	Oh, yeah.
	Hey, Kevin, I've been fucking kids for a while now, and I'm wondering, this is illegal, right?
	I wouldn't read that letter anyway.
	So I'm going to start saying your names.
	Also, you can't keep sending these to me.
	They're consuming my inbox.
	From now on, they're going to send them to you, Ryan.
	Yeah, they have been.
	Okay, so here's Ryan's email.
	You ready?
	This is officially the letters page of Get Off My Lawn.
	Nope, yup.stuff at gmail.com.
	Okay, that's a really weird.
	Nope, yup.
	Yup is YUP.
	Yep.
	So it's N-O-P-E dot.
	No, no.
	Nope, yup.stuff.
	N-O-P-E, Y-U-P dot stuff at gmail.com.
	Correct.
	Nope, yup.stuff at gmail.com.
	Nobody's having a problem finding it so far.
	I'm fucking swamped.
	Okay.
	So on the screen, optional, I'll line one up for you so you could read from my screen too.
	I'll keep it on this.
	Okay.
	So this is from Peter.
	He says, Gavin, I got the impression from your podcast that you don't realize how much damage sparring does to your brain.
	Joe Rogan talks about this all the time.
	And even though he has a mad obsession with martial arts, he doesn't spar at all because of how much long-term damage it does.
	Doesn't he do wrestling-y stuff?
	You're not going to get a lot of punches in the head.
	Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and kickboxing.
	Pull that shit up.
	And UFC.
	Pull that shit up, Jamie.
	Even many professional MMA fighters have less than 25 fights in their career, and a lot of times they still end up with brain damage.
	Just something to consider if you don't want to end up with severe dementia in your 70s.
	P.S. Whose is a real word, meaning who has, while whose, apostrophe S, is short for who is.
	This is yet again more millennial explaining.
	It really amazes me.
	This is a new phenomenon.
	I guarantee you, 20 years ago, you would not have men in their 20s and even early 30s talking to 48-year-olds and telling them about life.
	It really shocks me.
	Even today, at the gym, yes, I was sparring.
	And by the way, I spar maybe three times a week maximum, and we're not nailing each other in the head.
	We're just poof nailing each other in the head.
	And I don't even like that, but I'm definitely not getting fucking brain damage.
	And I know what pugilistic dementia is.
	I'm familiar with boxing, dude.
	You child.
	Why are children telling old men?
	I've noticed this with women too.
	Basically, the problem is we've empowered everyone too much.
	And women at Disneyland coming up to me, yeah, actually, you can renew your past Thursday.
	Yeah, I know, bitch.
	But it's not until 8 p.m.
	Okay?
	Why are you talking to me like I know stuff?
	Even today at the gym, we're doing this thing where we're practicing deking out jabs.
	And I wanted to say to the guy, he doesn't go past my elbow enough.
	So he's not able to get me in the ribs.
	And he's younger than me.
	And I'm still very sort of trepidacious about explaining, hey man, the coach was saying you got to go past the elbow so you get all this sweet meat.
	I'm making jokes too, calling my ribs sweet meat.
	You know, because I'm very careful about telling someone what to do.
	Like women should not be going up to grown men with three kids and going, yeah, actually, you just take the bus there.
	It's much faster.
	Fuck you, bitch.
	Do you think it has anything to do with like when cell phones and like smart TVs and DVD players came out?
	My parents are always asking me like how this shit works.
	So then they feel like they know shit now.
	And they're like, oh, I guess they're just complete retards.
	But really, they just needed help with the tech.
	Yeah, that's a good theory.
	I think it also has to do with when I was young, this whole thing started that had never been done before.
	Previous to the 70s, it was just buck up.
	Don't be a bitch.
	Get up.
	Get back on the horse was a big thing.
	And bullies, well, whatever.
	Bullies punch them in the face.
	Then in the 70s, the baby boomers started making cartoons and kids' shows, and they started going, it's all right to cry.
	Crying makes you feel better.
	And it was basically saying, hey, wimps and fags, it's okay.
	And that's fair.
	You know, a gay kid in the 70s shouldn't want to kill himself.
	In fact, I think at the Earl of March in Canada, there was this gay guy, David Ibbotson.
	Now we're up to the 80s.
	And I believe he killed himself.
	He was definitely gay.
	But maybe that's why he killed himself.
	All right.
	So that's fine.
	No one has a problem with that.
	70s civil rights, SJW stuff was not annoying.
	It was, hey, ladies, if giant underline, all cap bold, if you want to leave the kitchen and go have a job, go fucking bananas.
	The problem with modern feminism, equality, whatever, is it says, if you're in the kitchen, you're a stupid bitch, loser, slave.
	Get in the workforce, ladies.
	Don't be a baby machine.
	And it says to nerds and gays and whatever, outcasts, misfits, it says, not only are you all right, you're better.
	You rock.
	Kids rule.
	That's a big thing now.
	Kids rock.
	You're a badass.
	Hey, let's ban the word bossy.
	Girls are superheroes.
	Girls are Captain Marvel.
	So I think we've given all these kids this self-esteem problem, which is too much self-esteem.
	They're too proud of themselves.
	Even my kids, my own kids, they're like, I'm a savage boss at this.
	I'm going to be a savage boss.
	And we'll sit down and play foosball and I'll destroy him.
	And the whole time, as I'm eating him alive on the Scoreboard.
	He's just like, I'm going to win.
	I'm going to win the whole time.
	It's infuriating.
	Then we have a rematch and he loses and loses again.
	So I try to counteract it by every time I win, I go into his face and I go, you're going to win, huh?
	Wow, nice win.
	Like, I have to really ramp up the bullying and teasing in my own home to try to get these egos down to a normal level.
	Now, I know what you're saying, Ryan.
	You're saying, but half of your complaints are these boomer women, these balls.
	B-A-W-L, boomer angry woman liberals.
	You'll notice most of my puns and double entendres revolve around male genitalia.
	That's because it's on my mind.
	Then why are these boomer women so arrogant and telling you what to do and don't do this and don't let your kids play with plastic bags and all this other shit you already know?
	That's different.
	That's the teachers' unions has told all these women, these female teachers, that they're the boss of the world and they have to fight the patriarchy and they have to end guns and Trump is a Nazi and make sure your kids know all this.
	Make sure your kids know about gender and pronouns and all this stuff.
	The teachers' unions have done this to teachers and then the teachers do that to all their female friends.
	So the unions have ruined boomer women.
	And then professors have ruined young women.
	Anyway, feminism is just really...
	It's just as gory.
	All right, we're not exactly ripping through these, but that's one letter out of a thousand.
	Chris wants to know if we should have more censorship.
	Hey, Gavin, I've been joining your podcast and listening to them on Spotify.
	I noticed recently a Spotify homepage lists your top podcasts, lists four or five podcasts that I've listened to before, but your podcast doesn't show up.
	And it's mostly what I listen to, he says.
	And I did hear that a lot around March 6th.
	I don't hear it anymore, but around that time, I was getting several people telling me that Spotify was unsubscribing them from the podcast.
	So I've been banned from just about everything.
	Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, PayPal.
	I'm still the, I think most people regret this.
	There seems to be a backlash against this, hence Joe Rogan bringing it up with Jack Dorsey.
	But Spotify, I'm still on.
	I'm back on iTunes, back on YouTube.
	Check the Gavin 2000 if you want to see me.
	You should also check nohate.com, by the way, where I do videos as Miles McInnes.
	Oops, I just gave it away.
	Where my brother does videos, I meant to say.
	But yeah, even within those that allow this hate monger to exist, there's weird shit going on.
	And one of them was Spotify shadow banning.
	That appears to have stopped.
	Here's another one from Patrick Coffin.
	Really weird last name, huh?
	We know what your ancestors did, and it was macabre of patrickcoffin.media.
	And he said, I did an interview with him, a really long one.
	I thought it was pretty good.
	Hey, Gavin, Facebook is shadow banning your interview.
	Twitter's been banning various episodes of mine.
	I'm sure your episode will get screwed with.
	Interesting.
	Tony Mazur says, I'll keep it short for the scrotum, the mailbag.
	I used to be in terrible relationships with vapid bipolar twats.
	I personally don't get guys who are not into crazy chicks.
	It's fun.
	The sex is amazing.
	I mean, of course, they trash your house and they transfer your bank account into their bank account and they burn your passport when you say you're going to visit your parents without them.
	But at least if you're a young man, I don't know.
	It's kind of fun.
	You know, I once knew a guy in Montreal and this disturbed me so deeply, I never got over it.
	I'm talking about 1994 right now.
	And this guy was a big guy, about 6'4, and he had buck teeth and a big nose.
	And he looked exactly like a giant mouse, like from a Disney movie.
	And I said, he was going out with this girl who was super hot and really into herself.
	Like this is before Instagram, obviously.
	And she'd take sexy pictures of herself.
	And God, she had slightly short hair, which was a bummer.
	But besides that, what a knockout.
	Just a dirty little bitch.
	And I said, oh, what happened to you and Hannah, by the way?
	Are you still going out with that fine piece of ass?
	And he goes, no, I dumped her.
	And she's a total slut.
	And I went, oh, that sucks.
	She's cheating on you.
	And he goes, no, no, no.
	She never cheated on me, but just like super slutty.
	Can you fucking believe that?
	He dumped a girl for being too horny.
	A hot girl in a monogamous relationship.
	What?
	What did she want to blow you too much?
	Can you believe that, Ryan?
	Makes me pissed.
	Exactly.
	Thank you.
	Yes.
	Makes me mad.
	He's probably insecure.
	He's like, well, if she's going to do that to me, then she'll probably do it.
	I want to shove him.
	Right now, I want to shove him.
	He's probably in his 50s right now.
	I'm going to just go up to him.
	He won't remember me.
	Wow, what the fuck?
	He'll be with his kid at a hockey game, and I'll just come by and shove him against the boards on the other side.
	Who the hell are you?
	You know what it's about.
	You dumped that slut in 1994.
	Are you her brother?
	No relation.
	No relation whatsoever, but I have a dick.
	And it's pissed too.
	It's actually pissing.
	We're mad at you.
	Who's we?
	Me and my dick?
	You're a shame to dicks everywhere.
	I talked about you in the mailbag.
	All right, dude.
	Bye.
	The most reasonable thing is like, that guy must be from the future or something.
	I kind of am.
	I used to be in terrible relationships with Vapid Bipolar Twats, but I stayed because I'd pretend everything is great after I blew a load.
	I joined Team No Wanks, and now I'm engaged to a lovely lady.
	Thanks for turning my life around by telling me to stop beating off.
	This one's kind of confusing, Tony, because if you're not beating off, sex is very much better.
	Nice grammar, Gav.
	A lot better.
	So you'd think you'd be more inclined to stay in a relationship if you do no wanks.
	But it is literally magic.
	And guys, like When the far left hears about this, they go, oh, Gavin McInnis tells you when you can masturbate.
	I'm telling you to quit hard liquor, basically.
	I'm telling you to try, try it for 10 days.
	Try not beating off for 10 days and get back to me.
	This is from Jaden Lawrence.
	And today's video, by the way, on your The Gavin 2000 on YouTube will be about that.
	We'll stop watching porn.
	Yes.
	Can you explain your reasoning behind not allowing the person in front of you to lean back on the plane?
	I've got a little more conscious of it since you brought it up.
	You seem to be totally against it.
	Why not?
	I will say, one time I was, this is so weird.
	People do this all the time.
	The answer is in their question.
	I will say, one time I was doing work on my laptop and this fat prick in front of me, I can picture him, decides to lean back.
	My laptop screen got stuck between the seat and the pull-out tray and almost got bent in half.
	That's happened to me too.
	It gets wedged under that lip and as they push back, your $3,000 Mac PowerBook is about to get crunched.
	Yep.
	And you zip it out just in time.
	Luckily, I pulled it out, but I wanted to scream at the fat fuck.
	Should I have?
	Yes, you should have said, hey, hey, dude.
	And he would think you're an asshole, by the way, for yelling, because I've had fights with Greg Gutfeld about this.
	It's your right.
	Your chair comes with a button.
	It's your right to just yank her back.
	Just yank it on back.
	Without even looking.
	The chair, basically you are in an apartment that's so small that if you stretch out, your legs go into your neighbor's apartment.
	That's okay if your neighbor's not home or if your neighbor doesn't have guests over and doesn't mind seeing two feet poke into his living room.
	If he does have guests over or he is in his living room, keep your fucking feet to yourself.
	Now, if you're on an overnight flight and everyone's asleep and we all have our chairs back, okay.
	Or if there's a midget or a little kid behind you, okay.
	Have a look behind you.
	But if someone is sitting up and you decide to cut their space by, say, 37%, then you're a dick and I don't like you.
	I am a bigot.
	You know, I get accused of bigotry all the time.
	It's never racial.
	It's not racial.
	Ryan, if you're coloring something in, separate it as a layer.
	Use the selection tool for that one spot.
	And then on a layer below it, color.
	Sorry, I'm giving you two things.
	And then like a clipping mask.
	You can color it underneath after you separate it as just line art.
	And that can give you a more natural mistake where the things will peek out of the side of the lines.
	Or if you don't want to do that, use the paint bucket or something.
	Why don't you paint bucket?
	That's all closed in.
	It's not as fun.
	Not as fun.
	So you're coloring for fun because you're a fucking child.
	So?
	I'm pure and innocent.
	Yeah, that's not good.
	It's not good to be innocent when you're 29.
	Well, when I need to be, I'm an adult.
	But when it comes to coloring, I mean, what better way is there to do it than with that of the eyes of a child?
	With that of the eyes of a child.
	With that of the eyes of a child.
	Jiminy Glick meets Bill Schultz as an adventure time extra.
	So I definitely have prejudice to people like that.
	Flip-flops.
	Anyone who infringes on others.
	When you're wearing flip-flops, you're showing me your hairy toes.
	I might be on my way to eat lunch.
	So you're sticking your food in my eyes.
	I mean your feet in my eyes, which is the same as sticking your feet in my food.
	I don't want to see your bag.
	I don't want to see your toes.
	And I don't understand why you think you can just cut into someone's personal space when their space is already so limited.
	So to answer your question, the pushing the chair back thing is for emergencies only.
	Like, we all got to sleep because we're going to Dubai.
	He also says the getting drunk before your flight and passing on the plane works great.
	Yes, I believe it turns all coach flights into first class.
	Actually, it's better than that.
	It's a time machine.
	LA is perfect, too.
	If you get an 11 p.m. flight, and you just pound the makers down, pound it down.
	Then you sit down in your chair and a woman starts tapping you on the shoulder.
	And you think, that's unusual.
	My seatbelt's on.
	And you realize she's tapping you on the shoulder because the plane is empty and you're in LA, sir.
	One time, Jay Johnson of Mr. Show fame, he took a Kwailud when he sat down and closed his eyes for a second.
	And then he thought, okay, I'm going to have a big super nap, this whole plane ride.
	Can I, I'm going to order a beer too.
	So he orders a beer and the woman thinks she was acting weird when he ordered the beer.
	And then he pops another Quailude, so he's really going to be out.
	And then the plane lands in LA.
	That first little blink was six hours.
	So when he woke up, he didn't realize they were just about to land.
	He ordered a beer, which is why she was looking at him weird.
	And then he did a fucking Quailude or a Xanax or something.
	And so he lands with that sleeping pill and those beers in him.
	So he had to drive home like that.
	And he would just drive for a little bit, pull over, vomit into a paper bag, then get back on the road, pull over, vomit into a paper bag.
	It's like my friend Brian was so shit-faced driving home that he passed out behind the wheel.
	And that wasn't a problem with anyone else in the car because they had already passed out.
	The car went careening off the highway.
	Ba-dum-ba-dum.
	Dum-da-dum-ba-dum.
	Ting-tiddling.
	Through a field and then just and just sat there idling as everyone slept.
	And then maybe two hours later, he woke up in the field and just drove back to the road.
	And they all got home and didn't realize that the drive home was five hours and went to bed.
	And then the next day, his friend comes outside and goes, dude, someone vandalized your car last night.
	And they go outside and they see that their front of their car had been bashed in.
	And the strange part was the vandals left pieces of mud and grass in some of the cracks for some strange artistic reason.
	And then slowly, you know how God hands you Polaroids the night after a blackout?
	And you see like some chick's tits and you see you laughing and then you see you fighting a guy and you see you getting kicked out and you're like, whoa, wow.
	These Polaroids look fun.
	And God goes, dude, that was you.
	That was last night, man.
	All right.
	Is this enough for this one?
	Ryan's getting better.
	He hits his stride early and does a good job.
	Thank you.
	But then he starts thinking too much.
	That was perfect timing there.
	You two should totally fight.
	I'd love to see Donald Sutherland with AIDS beat up a minority.
	That's hurtful to both of us.
	Sorry for the wall of text.
	Blah, blah, blah.
	I donate to defendgavin.com.
	Thank you very much for that.
	We're at 167 now.
	Let's get up to 170.
	Ryan Gynup.
	Very unfortunate last name, dude.
	I bet your wife's going to be bummed when you propose.
	Well, he's a gynopcologist, to be fair.
	What if she has a cool name like Alicia Lex?
	And then now it's Gynup.
	And now she's Alicia Gynup.
	Yes.
	My wife was so happy when I proposed because her maiden name was Gendrasak.
	Jesus, I never knew that.
	Yes.
	That's Slovakian.
	Is there one syllable in there?
	I mean, one fucking vowel.
	No, there's three.
	Gendre sack.
	Is there one vowel?
	Gendrasak.
	It sounds like a skin disease.
	First he had polyps and then he had shingles and both of those combined ended up giving him really bad gendrasack.
	I had a lot of anxiety on the mat wrestling.
	I found it helpful to say to myself before every match, fuck it, I'm going to lose anyway.
	After that, I started making great strides.
	It helps take the pressure off.
	Give it a try in the ring.
	No, thank you.
	I did try that.
	And the problem, as I described earlier, boxing is like dancing with someone who has a taser.
	And I do, I do try the Father Guiducci, what I, Guido, Father Sandini.
	Father Gaiducci or something.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, look him up.
	I try to be him in the ring.
	Hey, what you gonna do?
	I'm a funny kind of a guy who's like a father who smokes pot and likes to hang out, you know, a 1980s SNL guy.
	Father Guido Sarducci.
	Yeah, pull him up.
	Let's hear him for a second.
	I try to be Guido Sarducci, but then someone rings your bell.
	Bang!
	Like some cop who's pissed off that you punched him.
	Go ahead.
	I think it don't matter where you go to school.
	Italy, America, Brazil, it's all of the same.
	It's all just memorization.
	And it don't matter how long you can remember anything, just so you can pair it back for the tests.
	And I got this idea for a school I would like to start.
	Something called the five-minute university.
	Pretty much this whole thing is he never loses his cool.
	Five minutes, you learn what the average college graduate remembers five years after he or she's out of school.
	Yeah, is this a good quality comedian who had a bit and dressed up in the costume?
	How would that help in the ring, though?
	Because he's a relaxed guy.
	He's a cool guy.
	Exact gig.
	He's a Sarducci.
	He doesn't freak out.
	True.
	He's in Casper.
	He's a cool guy.
	What are you doing now?
	We don't want to go on a Guido Sarducci, do we?
	True, what's this?
	No, it's just Monty Python?
	Quite business paint.
	No, this is Casper the movie from 95.
	I was doing it, but I've studied it, and I talked to people who have done it.
	I've seen the videos, and I feel very confident that with my knowledge, I could do it, no problem.
	Then you can handle this.
	It's no problem.
	It's like no problem whatsoever.
	See, no problem.
	No problem whatsoever.
	So the problem with that is you get your bell rung.
	And another theory I have about boxing is Scotch-Irish DNA, we go, oh yeah, you got a fucking problem.
	So I don't know, there's something about us where we get punched and we get pissed.
	And cops tend to be Scotch-Irish.
	So we'll just start off going, hey, we're just going to spar, not going to hit.
	And then there'll be one unfortunate accident like, and then the guy will go, fucking.
	And the next thing you know, we're fighting.
	Blacks and Hispanics seem better at just going, oh, all right, that was a punch.
	Maybe because their moms hit them with a switch.
	You know, that branch thing?
	Yeah.
	I don't know what it is.
	There's actually been tests where they take people in the south and people in the north and they walk them down this hallway where there'd be little holes in the walls of the hallway and people go, fuck you.
	What are you talking about?
	hey asshole.
	Yeah.
	They would say, they would say.
	Why are they so trepidatious?
	Meanwhile, they're protected by a hole in the wall.
	You're using my big words now.
	I don't know.
	It's got more impact.
	Fuck you.
	Dick.
	Hey, you're a fucking loser.
	And apparently, northerners tend to just go, okay, that's a weird hallway.
	But Southers would be like, what the fuck you say?
	Hey, who's in there?
	Who the fuck's in there, boy?
	And like looking in and putting their fingers in the hole and stuff, which could have been the whole Civil War.
	Oh, man.
	The entire Civil War might have been them going, we're thinking about, well, I don't know.
	We're actually not thinking about anything.
	And then North goes, you can't have slaves anymore.
	We don't have slaves.
	Well, 2% of you do, and they can't anymore.
	You know what?
	Fuck you.
	Yes, they can.
	Like, it could have been Lincoln saying, hey, from now on, we're going to change the flag.
	No, we're not.
	Fuck you.
	Actually, maybe they did do that because it was the stars and bars, right?
	Yeah, yeah.
	They said, no, we're not doing that.
	Like, you can't tell Southerners anything.
	And I think it's because Southerners are Scotch-Irish.
	Northerners are Protestant Germans.
	Southerners are sort of like upstate New York and New York City.
	There's disproportionately Scotch-Irish, and Scotch-Irish have that gene.
	And if you don't believe me, check out Thomas Sowell's book, Black, Redneck, White Liberal, wherein he blames the whole ghetto culture on Scottish people.
	You know, isn't that there's a link between country music in Ireland and Scotland, the instruments and the Do you know anything about that?
	Well, they say that's what rock and roll is.
	It's slave music.
	It's because there were white slaves, not just indentured servants.
	There was white cotton pickers.
	They just would sunburn to death.
	So they were worth less money than black slaves.
	Sorry, guys.
	Anyway, it's not a myth, New York Times.
	But after they were freed, you had the Irish rage on the guitar, which was a Celtic instrument, right?
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And then, so it wasn't just a guy playing a little folk song, like, for a pair of brown eyes.
	It was like, that fucker had me in the fields, then he had me in his house.
	And then you had the African beat bongos.
	Boom, boom, badoon, badoom, badoon, doom, push, boom, badoon, badoom, doom, doom, teen draboos, ru-roo, rule, head, boom, bad, I'm doing this stray cats, but you get the original idea.
	And so it was like, boom, badoon, bado, badoom, and then so it's fuck you from the Irish and the Africans.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	That is really cool.
	I could see that happening there, too.
	It's like how like when parents look like the kids, you're like, oh, I could see how that's your problem.
	I'm done with this appropriation bullshit, too.
	Rock and roll was stolen from the blue.
	It's all culture is an amalgam.
	Yeah.
	There's no such thing as pure culture.
	And you listen to music, like even rap, the amount of white engineers that make those beats and the amount of white samples and, you know, fucking Jamaicans going, murder, she wrote.
	Every popular reggae song is just a ripoff of a 70s hit.
	Or, you know, you got fucking, what, Janet Jackson saying, you don't know what you got till it's gone.
	All they do is sample.
	Anyway, sorry.
	Shashar Ohayan.
	Bless you.
	He says, I was having a conversation with this guy about a one to ten scale of girls.
	During the conversation, he told me that he was once with a one.
	That seems a bit odd, given he was young and successful, blah, blah, blah.
	So I asked if she was handicapped?
	No.
	Was she obese?
	No.
	Was she 10 years younger or 10 years older?
	No, no, no.
	This brought me to the conclusion that this guy does not know what a one is.
	And this is, anyway, he goes on about this.
	Four is for old and young people.
	We could do a whole podcast about this.
	Maybe we will.
	But I love rating chicks.
	And the thing I love about it is it appears to be an art.
	And then the more you delve into it, it becomes a science.
	And then the more you delve into it, it becomes an art again.
	And if HotterNot.com, I think, is a dating site now, but it used to be a site that would just show a picture and you would rate them.
	And it would show my face.
	And 350,000 people would call me a 6.9.
	You know why?
	Why?
	Because I'm a 6.9.
	It's just a fact.
	And now I would expand the art form.
	I would say there's two ways.
	You should have two numbers.
	One is if you're just flipping through an 8x10, a book of 8x10s.
	And you'd see Danny DeVito and you'd go, he's a three.
	And you just keep going like that, you know?
	But the other one is the whole context of their whole life.
	Now, Danny DeVito is funny, popular, rich, and famous.
	He could probably get a 6.5.
	I'd say so.
	Yeah.
	He's an icon with the whole He's with the younger generation, yeah, no, too.
	I think he could find that one hot chick who's kind of blind, either metaphorically or literally.
	And if you can get a seven, you're kind of a seven then.
	Yeah, he's a sweetheart, too.
	Oh, he's a sweetie.
	Yeah, he's a sweetie.
	So then you get into what is a one?
	Like a burn victim is a woman who's 116, a one with her tits hanging down below her waist.
	And then you say, well, what's the bell curve?
	Now, I can't mathematically prove this.
	I can only go with my guts.
	And my guts say that you should see a 10 once a year.
	You should also see a 1 once a year.
	You should see a 5 thousands of times a year.
	So there's your bell curve, right?
	4 is pretty common.
	6 is common.
	9, how many times should you see a 9 a year?
	I'm going to say 4.
	How many times should you see an 8?
	A lot of times.
	There's a big jump there.
	It's not a perfect bell.
	I think you probably see 220 eights a year.
	No, that's almost one a day.
	That's crazy.
	I'm going to say 100 eighths a year.
	And so on and so on.
	Now, what about burn victims?
	What about 95-year-olds?
	They're not on this.
	You have to be sexually viable.
	So you have to be between the ages of whatever is legal in that state and the oldest fuckable woman is 65.
	Would you agree with that?
	Oh, that's fucking crazy.
	Yeah, if I'm 65, then my wife, who's around my same age, then sure.
	Or if I'm 75 and I think when you two are 75, you're off the books.
	We're not talking about you anymore.
	Oh.
	You're not a part of the 0 to 10.
	Like, no one calls a seven-year-old an eight.
	Calling a seven-year-old an eight is as absurd as calling an 85-year-old a four.
	Oh, she's totally not hot.
	Yeah, she's not trying to fuck you, dude.
	She's not trying to fuck anything.
	So, yeah.
	And then also, burn victims and, like, handicapped people.
	Sorry, guys, you're not on the chart.
	Well, this burn victim, I saw John Taffer, the shut it down.
	That guy?
	He has a podcast where he interviewed this Marine former.
	Yeah, he's a friend of mine.
	I've had him on the show many times, you Reet.
	I don't know, but he's, you know, just hearing him talk, he's just a normal guy, and you could see he's a human in there.
	That guy's a whatever.
	He's on the street.
	I had that burn victim on my show, and we raided chicks.
	Oh, that's funny.
	But he didn't really like the joke.
	No.
	After a while, he goes, I'm not, well, who am I to say this?
	I'm a fucking burn victim.
	Do you know his name?
	No, I forget his name.
	I'll figure it out.
	But he goes, who am I to raid?
	He has all these jokes about like, based on when you go black, you never go back.
	And he's like, once you go cooked, you're tucked or something like that.
	Yeah, that's funny.
	And I forget it.
	I'm not doing it justice.
	But he's a stand-up comedian.
	Oh, shit.
	All right.
	So, yes, thank you for your letter.
	Well, that's a very visual thing, though, to do a 1 to 10.
	We'll do that when I get the show back, which should be June 1st, by the way.
	Dylan Schwarty, would you consider doing History of Punk.
	Yes, I'll do a big green screen thing with visuals and stuff.
	Epics has this history of punk thing out.
	And I've noticed Americans do this much more than Brits.
	They start lumping in the B-52s and the Talking Heads and even Blondie.
	Blondie's not punk.
	Sorry.
	CBGBs, that scene was art rock.
	It was not punk.
	The Ramones were punk, yes, by accident.
	They were trying to do rockabilly and they tripped.
	But besides maybe Richard Hell and the Voidoids and the kid with the replaceable head, the New York punk scene went from art rock to new wave and had very little actual punk bands.
	There was the Dead Boys.
	American punk is really hardcore.
	And that was more in the 80s.
	And that was Minor Threat and Bad Brains and all that stuff.
	And it was classically American.
	I think it was, what's his name from Minor Threat?
	Brian something, the guitarist?
	Yeah, Brian Katsu Rivera, the guitarist from Minor Threat.
	I have to pull up his name.
	He said, hardcore was American punk.
	We stripped it down.
	Brian Baker, that was it.
	We stripped it down.
	We made it faster, more efficient.
	We cut off all the frills, you know, shaved heads, no pink and purple mohawks, no tartan bondage pants, and we just made it efficient.
	Same with like the word color.
	They took out the U and they made it C-O-L-O-R.
	Americans are great at just like getting the grit, the bare bones of something.
	They're not into frills.
	I appreciate that.
	But it's not punk.
	Punk is very frilly.
	Andrew Capistrano, dear Gavin and Ryan, Joseph Waya, Japan, Japan, not only didn't care about Jews, much less help kill them, individual Japanese, by the way, he's talking about a previous episode where we said, when Japan hooked up with the Nazis, how did they feel about the Jew thing?
	Individual Japanese and the Imperial Japanese government facilitated the protection of Jews in occupied Shanghai against German requests for deportation.
	Were those Japanese Jews?
	What?
	Jewish American princesses?
	Dude, did we read this on the podcast or did I read this off-fair and you said we'll get to it on the podcast?
	I don't know.
	But this was interesting.
	But what Jews?
	You're in Japan, and now Japan's occupied Shanghai.
	I still don't see any Jews.
	There was Japanese Jews in the 40s?
	There was probably three white people living in Japan at the time.
	Anyway, giving them transit visas through Japan, they were actually Jewish refugees from Europe who died in the American bombings of Japanese cities.
	So he's saying not only did they refuse to kill Jews, but they actually housed them to the point where they got killed as collateral damage.
	Yeah, the Jewish refugee community of Shanghai.
	So that's Shanghai, China.
	So I guess they were in Asia.
	I bet that was fun.
	Being a Japan?
	Yeah, I bet that time was a lot of dancing and drinking and partying.
	People thought they were going to die anyway.
	I bet there's a lot of fornicating.
	Oh, probably.
	Jews in their culture are by far one of the most minor ethnic religious groups in Japan, presently consisting only from 300 to 2,000 people or about 0.0016%.
	And this is 2019.
	Total population.
	That's now.
	I'm talking about half a century ago.
	Yeah, so it's probably, you know, I hate when stats say 300 to 2,000.
	In other words, you don't know.
	When your margin of error is that high and the second number is almost 10 times the first number, seven times the first number, then you don't know the number.
	My net worth is anywhere between $10 and $10 billion, but I'm a very successful person.
	Anyway, he's got a bunch of links there.
	Big fan of the show, blah, blah.
	And finally, it would also be remiss for me not to mention, yeah, I would be remiss if I were not to mention, you should have said, that Ryan has his own contribution to the show.
	He's useful because he provides a nice real-time illustration of millennials and their level of education.
	I'm not sure that's a compliment.
	So don't give too much credit to the anterior factor of your audience.
	My wife thinks he's lovable, but she's Japanese.
	Okay, can we say something racist, please?
	When you see a guy with a Japanese wife, an Asian wife, don't you think...
	He's kind of a pussy.
	Like you go, oh, you just cheated.
	It's like you read the Kohl's notes or something or the crib notes.
	It's like you took the easy way out.
	Oh, okay.
	It's sort of like when you see a guy with a super short wife, you go, oh, okay.
	All right.
	You couldn't handle a five-footer.
	You couldn't handle a big gal.
	Oh, kind of a pussy.
	I'm sorry.
	That's just the way it is.
	And it's based on the fact that any ugly nerd can go to Asia and get a seven or an eight and bring her home.
	That's who takes our America's gingers.
	That's who gets gingers laid.
	Well, the number of Jews who hook up with Asians is making them look bad.
	You know, you got to be...
	Not that I haven't had mountains of rice balls in my past.
	I got in a lot of trouble for using the word rice balls.
	Obviously, no one's serious when they say rice balls, dumbasses.
	I gotta say, lefties, you really are making yourselves look like boring killjoys when you purposely ignore jokes and start screaming, he said rice balls.
	He said rice balls.
	Like the guy was fucking serious.
	Can you even imagine a guy going, these fucking raspballs coming in here?
	Fucking go back home, rasp balls.
	It's like the 10 things I hate about the Jews video I did that I keep mentioning because it's in Jill Abrinson's book too.
	But she calls it 10 reasons I hate Jews.
	That's the Jill touch.
	So Gavin goes to Israel with Ezra Levant, a self-professed Zionist.
	They do all these pro-Israel videos, but one of the employees decides to make an anti-Semitic video while he's there, and they happily publish it.
	That doesn't sound unusual to you.
	It's not unusual to be.
	All right, this is from a guy who hid his name in Arabic script.
	I am an active duty Green Beret.
	I have shed blood and sweat in combat with my brothers.
	Yet, I have never felt the camaraderie like I had when you described your issues with your anus.
	I always assumed I was fucked up from my years eating shitty third-world food.
	Now I know I am not alone.
	Mr. Green Beret out there, I had a shower yesterday at 8 p.m.
	I had underdressed during the day and I had a chill in my bones.
	And I highly recommend if you have this to avoid getting sick, go have a hot shower and just get the blood circulating and just warm those bones again.
	I remember when we used to do commercials, we would freeze to death outside all day and you'd come home and it was like being in Britain.
	You just have this cold you couldn't shake.
	Hot shower is way out of that.
	Anyway, I had a hot shower.
	Obviously, I scrubbed my butthole, cleaned out the foreskin.
	I was ready for any kind of sexual advance my wife was willing to make, even if she wanted to try something new, I was perfectly confident you can go anywhere.
	And I had an itchy anus.
	No shitting.
	I had an itchy anus maybe 20 minutes later.
	Now I assume the itch is based on some sort of excrement leaking out.
	Nothing visible to the naked eye.
	Jesus.
	But a few molecules mixed with sweat.
	And the next thing you know, your anal lips are corroding.
	And I don't have hemorrhoids.
	I had some nurse send me a letter saying, yeah, what's happening is your giant shits are ripping your asshole apart.
	Now that's, we got a lot going on there.
	We have a woman in the year 2019 where they know everything.
	And also we have a nurse.
	And nurses think they're better than everyone and they know everything.
	And they say dumb shit.
	Like I heard a nurse on Howard Stern the other day go, yeah, circumcision doesn't hurt the baby because what we do is we give it sugar and sugar is like a painkiller.
	What?
	And then Howard Stern, God bless his cotton socks, with his non-foreskin, managed to say, well, then why does a baby scream its fucking head off?
	If it's so sedated by that sugar cube.
	What a load of shit.
	Circumcision is depraved.
	I assume you're circumcised, right?
	Yep.
	Yep.
	You have stupid pumps.
	That's gross.
	But yeah, this nurse said your giant shits are ripping your ass.
	She just assumed I have giant logs because I'm an alcoholic.
	But no, I'm a level of alcoholic where it's just explosive diarrhea every time.
	Like we wake up and have 32 shits.
	Although since Lent, I've only been drinking beer, so I'm not an alcoholic anymore.
	And it's still a mess.
	So no nursy pants.
	It's not the booze, and it's not a hemorrhoid.
	It's a curse.
	You know, my uncle was a closeted homo who died of shame and never told anyone.
	We found out, I always suspected it, and I vocalized it a few times.
	I said to my grandmother, whom he lived with, I said, it's okay to be gay.
	Just tell him to fucking party.
	No one cares anymore.
	It's not the 50s.
	And then we saw these pictures of him on vacation in San Francisco with like a yellow shirt on and a strawberry martini boys, which is probably not considered gay anymore.
	So maybe that's why I'm being punished?
	The curse of stracking.
	All right, I'll read your letter.
	Say what?
	All right, this is from Tommy Brawley.
	I need your opinion on something.
	Probably should tell anyone listening with kids around to either turn it down or tell the kids to piss off.
	Okay, kids, you hear that?
	If you're listening to this in your car, which you shouldn't.
	This podcast is for maybe 13 and up.
	And I'm not even positive about 13.
	But if you have kids younger than 13 hearing this, you're a shitty parent.
	But get rid of them for now.
	Ready?
	Okay, good.
	My daughter is 10 and still believes in Santa Claus.
	I feel good about keeping it going for so long, but is it time to spill the beans?
	13?
	No, 10.
	Oh.
	I don't want her finding out at the lunch table in school in front of 20 other kids who start ripping her for it.
	Kids can be ruthless.
	Thoughts?
	And then he adds, I like your new sunglasses.
	Every time I hear that, I go back to that morning and I see his face and I see the fact that a junkie on heroin think I hate this the most about junkies besides the part where they die.
	I hate, oh, that was spooky.
	I hate that they think we don't know they're on heroin.
	And they think we're just seeing a guy who likes his girlfriend's new sunglasses, just fixing his hello kitty coffee maker while she goes to get butter.
	Everything's normal.
	Hey, we're just having fun.
	We're in a sitcom.
	I like your new sunglasses.
	Not only do we know you're a junkie, you ruined this stupid gay party, which was your idea, by the way.
	I never heard of a breakfast party before, but we came over it because you made it sound like it was going to be awesome.
	This is a tough one because I've always said your goal as a parent is for your kids to not know about sex, 9-11, race.
	And when I say race, I mean they don't know what a black person is.
	Like my middle son had a lot of black friends when we lived in Brooklyn, and he goes, it's weird how all my friends have black skin.
	Like he didn't know what a black guy was.
	He just noticed his friends were darker.
	That's your goal.
	I don't want them to know that there's racism and there's not racism and there's black and they just should think one friend has squinty eyes and the other friend is dark skin and very, very curly hair.
	Yeah, it's like when you eat pistachios and one of them like is a little like different.
	You're just like, all right.
	It's still a pistachio.
	Exactly.
	That's your goal.
	It's not a fucking, it's not called a begralter or something weird.
	The fourth one, I think, is Santa.
	But 10, like I haven't, we haven't discussed it.
	My youngest six-year-old obviously still believes in Santa, but I'll never forget, I used to dress up guys in Santa suits back when I was a better parent.
	You get worse as each kid comes out.
	And when I was a really good parent, I'd pay a guy, a neighbor, to come buy in a Santa suit.
	And then I'd be drunk, of course, on December 24th because I'm finally seeing my brother and stuff.
	We're partying.
	We took pictures of them.
	And my daughter, she must have been 10 at the time or maybe nine.
	And she said, how'd you get those pictures?
	Because they were really close up.
	And I think he was facing me or something stupid.
	And I go, oh, he let me take them.
	And then she looks at me and she goes, and does one of those like fart faces things.
	Like, that's bullshit.
	Like that, yeah.
	And I realize, uh-oh, I just pushed a little too far.
	But I think the attitude with my two oldest kids is: let's not rock the boat.
	This guy seems to talk about a Santa.
	I don't know what the fuck he's talking about.
	But then presents show up.
	And if he wants to pretend they came from a magical guy, shit.
	I'm not going to say no.
	I will tell you another thing, kind of unrelated.
	I think presents are over.
	Kids only care about screens now.
	They care about their iPad.
	They care about YouTube videos and watching people play video games and then playing video games.
	But these past couple, I remember the first Christmas when my daughter was two, 10 years ago.
	It was presents, presents, presents.
	This Christmas, last Christmas, they were all on their screens maybe at 11 a.m.
	And some presents weren't even unwrapped.
	I hereby predict future Christmases are going to become Roblox bucks or whatever they're called and coupons for Fortnite skins and no actual, you're going to start seeing a lot of toy stores go under.
	That's fucking sick.
	Even my son, his first baby tooth fell out this morning.
	And I said, what are you going to want for that?
	Roblox blocks?
	Whatever they're called?
	Loblox?
	And I don't even know what those are, by the way.
	And my wife said, no, we're going to go to the toy store.
	And it just sounded sad.
	Like we're going to the phone booth or something.
	Yeah.
	Like he was not excited about it.
	That's a bummer.
	I do say like too much.
	Mini golf.
	You know, that should still be exciting.
	Yeah, he's really good at mini golf, but he takes these epic suck attacks when he doesn't get a hole in one or a hole in three and then starts whipping stuff, and it's not pretty.
	You know, my thing about Santa is like when they realize that you've been lying to them, even though it's a pleasant lie, they might not believe in Jesus anymore.
	So I'm going to be careful with my Santa shit.
	I don't know what you're talking about.
	Okay, here's one from a correctional officer.
	Hey, Gavin, love the show.
	Blah, blah, blah.
	Mailbag is awesome.
	Don't listen to the haters, blah, blah, blah.
	I wanted to say your correctional officer analogy with the kids is perfect.
	I'm a career CO.
	By the way, you know what's funny about where I had a place in the Catskills for a while, upstate New York.
	There's no jobs there.
	The only jobs are to be a criminal and to be a corrections officer.
	And when you're at a restaurant and there's a CO there, he's kind of treated like a rock star because he's the only guy with a solid salary in the entire area.
	So they're like, oh, Mr. Wilkinson, can I catch anything else?
	And they serve him first, and he's got his sort of his serviette tucked into his dress shirt and eating like a king.
	And he's going to leave a huge tip.
	They're like the Mac daddies of the Catskills.
	I run my house the same way, except in a prison, the inmates call us names all day, every day, and we can't technically do anything about it due to the increasingly peaceiness of CO profession.
	We are basically underpaid babysitters who are guests in the prison with no real authority anymore.
	I talked to an old CEO when I was visiting my parents in Florida.
	I mean retired.
	And he goes, yeah, I quit after you couldn't beat them up anymore.
	I mean, it's not a matter of just reckless violence.
	It was the only language they understood.
	And so someone would get fucking mouthy or get threatening and you'd beat them up.
	That'd be the end.
	Now they sue you.
	They can throw shit at you and piss.
	And you can't fight back and they just take advantage of you.
	You're a fucking loser basically now.
	You're just a victim.
	I'm not calling this guy a loser.
	Although I always find a way to show them who's boss.
	This is not a regular practice by most COs.
	And the idea of the rough and tough CO is dead.
	Like You More Than a Friend, P.S. Ryan should only do impressions.
	Ah, dude, it's brutal.
	Okay, from now, for the rest of this podcast, how long are we going?
	We're going way too long here, right?
	We're like an hour and two minutes.
	Oh, good.
	We have about 20 minutes left.
	From now on, you may only do people.
	Kevin, please continue to let Ryan chime in.
	It's the only time I don't feel bad about laughing at a genuinely retarded person.
	Then he's got a bunch of flu back jokes, which we are ignoring.
	Oh, here's the nurse talking about my butthole.
	It's a male nurse.
	Nice.
	Dude, ha.
	What are the three worst things a heterosexual man can be?
	A stay-at-home dad, a male nurse, and a flight attendant.
	When I see a straight male flight attendant, I just assume that he just got out of jail after a DOI where he killed a kid, and he has no custody of his kids after the divorce, and he's just there paying his child support, trying to get his life back together.
	Hasn't had a drink in over 914 days and six hours.
	And he's looking forward to having his big cake after his 950th day.
	That's what we think of.
	When we see healthy young men, as Anthony Cumia put it, don't you want to drive the plane?
	Like, why are you serving people shitty snacks?
	A bartender's a cool guy.
	A bartender's a lazy dude with no ambition who just wants to hang and no one disrespects a bartender.
	You can do that your entire life.
	I'm probably going to do it.
	That's how I'll end my life as a bartender.
	It's a noble profession because you're not just serving drinks.
	You're a therapist.
	You're keeping the conversation going.
	You're adding to the mood of the room.
	It's a wonderful job.
	But a waitress in the sky, as the replacements put it, you're bringing a dumb, cheap, shitty little popcorn snack and our one beer.
	We're allotted every hour.
	Every time I'm on a plane with people like my wife, I go, she'll have a double Woodford Reserve and a bud, and I'll have the same.
	So now I have two, four, five, ten drinks.
	And then she's like, can I also have some sprite?
	What?
	Jesus, this lady's thirsty.
	What is going on with her?
	Those drinks aren't for me.
	Oh, okay.
	Honey.
	Now she's a big kidder, man.
	Or sir in this case, you fucking male flight attendant.
	And I know I'm going to get male going, actually, I'm a male flight attendant, and we get to bang chicks all over the world, and it's really cool, and we get cheap flights, and we're kind of like the new rock stars of the sky, dude.
	Yeah, we Fucking, we fuck stewardesses and we're really cool.
	No, you're not.
	You suck.
	And you have your hair done at a salon instead of a barber, which is our first indication that you are not part of the club called Real Men.
	This is from Louise Sheehan.
	So, all you're talking about, bleeding assholes reminding me of my very Glaswegian dad.
	He had to have a colonoscopy because he had the same problem.
	Turned out he had a lot of stomach polyps that was causing it.
	Celts are more prone to this.
	They're more prone to bowel cancer.
	So get them checked.
	I will.
	Thank you very much, Louise.
	I will do the whole colonoscopy.
	I hear they knock you out, though, which is too bad because it's guilt-free anal probing.
	But that's a good...
	Scotland had no food ever.
	They had a boiling pot in their stupid little mud hut, and if you found a root or a goat eye or something, you'd throw it in the pot.
	So they had a perpetual stew that was just bubbling away 24 hours a day.
	And whenever you were hungry, you'd take your wood ladle and schlop it into a pot and eat whatever the fuck was there.
	There might have been a piece of meat in there that's 32 years old.
	The one that just never got scooped.
	Like it was in a nook.
	A nook is actually the Inuit word for rotten goatee.
	So all of our food was boiled to death and we have weak stomachs.
	And then we come to North America where we're having the frickin' chicken and spicy burritos with jalapenos on it and banana pepper pizza and all this crazy shit and our Scottish stomachs just can't handle it.
	That might be why I'm chronically explosive diarrhea-ing and that might be why my anus is that of a 75-year-old gay man.
	My mom, oh, she must be Canadian.
	My mom says that when he got his results, the doctor told me he had to lay off the drink for a while.
	My dad did not like this and tried to argue with the doctor.
	My dad's a bricklayer and has no medical training.
	The doctor pressed on to which my dad replied, so you both want me to sit in a pub with a Diet Coke and look like a cunt, which pretty much sums up the Scottish mentality.
	She also adds, oh, wait, is Luis?
	I don't even know anymore.
	That's a female name, right?
	How's it spelled?
	L-O-U-I-S-E.
	I don't know.
	That can go either way.
	That would suck to have a chick name, man.
	Leslie.
	Imagine your name was Leslie Katsu Rivera.
	You're already such a pussy.
	You're already like Tina Turner.
	You already play video games.
	No, I don't.
	You already.
	No, I don't.
	You already have stuff.
	Animals.
	I would not.
	Here's how lowly I think of you, Ryan.
	If I came into your room and saw you had a stuffed animal, I wouldn't be remotely surprised.
	Huh.
	Like, if you had a Curious George that you slept with, I'd go, yep, fucking Curious George right next to his pillow.
	God damn it.
	It would be all sort of tea-stained and old because you've had it for 29 years.
	Well.
	Do you have stuffed animals back at your grandparents' house?
	I have a monkey named Charleston.
	He's a puppy.
	Holy shit, I'm psychic.
	I don't hang out with him, stupid.
	Where is he?
	He's fucking in my room that I don't even stay in.
	There's a room that's cool.
	I like how you're trying to make yourself sound cool.
	He's not even near my motorbike.
	He's in like my loser room that I sometimes crash in if I'm super wasted.
	The place where crying is okay.
	Hey, I said you can only talk as a guy.
	Dude, if my name was Leslie Katsu Rivera, the only time you would be able to read that is on my headstone.
	Because I'd be fucking dead, dude.
	So the topic also reminded me of a theory that Grinder should be banned.
	And I'd interested to know what Ryan thinks of it.
	Because, of course.
	What the fuck does that mean?
	Well, I'm not single.
	I got married.
	I got monogamous way after all these apps way before a dating app ever.
	Dude, every time I see someone's dating app, I just keep going, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, sure.
	We can work something out.
	Sure, not more than once or twice, but yep, yep, oh, yeah, oh, sure, yes, yes, yes.
	Like, they're very rarely, they all seem like five and up, and sixes are my bread and butter.
	Anyway.
	Bud and breader.
	I'm glad you interrupted to say that.
	That was interesting.
	Well, I wouldn't know.
	Why would you just do that?
	You just because that eliminates me from the Oh, bud and breader.
	Yeah, why'd you just do that?
	I don't know.
	Shut up.
	This is, we got a letter where someone said, Brian isn't the worst, but just please think before you open your mouth.
	It's true.
	So a while back, I was working at a pub with a gay guy, and one day on shift, he asked me if I had a spare sanitary towel.
	I asked him why.
	This is a tampon or a MaxiPad, whatever.
	I asked him why, and he said he needed one because he had a rough session with a guy last night.
	Of course, he'd been on Grindr.
	He then admitted that he had used sanitary towels before because of this.
	So his anus is bleeding.
	Further on in the conversation, he admitted that he thought he might be addicted to Grindr, and it got me thinking, should these apps be banned?
	I personally know of two guys who have caught HIV using Grindr and have heard of cases where girls have been spiked, assaulted whilst on Tinder dates.
	There's also been a couple of Muslim raping gangs in my area using it to catfish and trick white girls into meeting them.
	Seems to me they should be banned.
	I don't like the idea of governments doing it.
	Yeah, I'm never into banning anything, really.
	But you're right.
	They are sick and depraved things.
	Maybe because we don't have parents anymore and everyone's divorced, that they don't have a dad saying, don't go on those fucking things, Shirley.
	You know, there's a buddy of mine in D.C., his sister was telling me that there's a major problem with millennial women and anal stretching, distended anuses, anal elasticity falling apart.
	So I complain about my butthole, but young millennial women, their anuses are just destroyed.
	What are you doing?
	Doodling SpongeBob from memory.
	That's pretty good.
	Theilo Bauer, Tylo, T.O., Dear Mr. McInnes.
	Here's, oh, this one letter really pissed me off.
	Why the number of gays in the Catholic Church is disproportionately high?
	One, gays tend to go to where mostly men coverage, like fatties meet at KFC.
	Two, think of a family with a bunch of kids.
	Not too long ago, my grandma had eight and there was a famous outcry.
	Each kid to be married off.
	So the patter familias look at this one weirdo who's not getting married off and they think, if I force him to marry Luis, it won't work.
	I better marry him to the church.
	Thank you, Theo.
	You said that already.
	We thought of that.
	That's right.
	Like, the idea that some child is emailing a 48-year-old man and saying, you know, I think you should know something.
	One of the reasons that there's gays in the church is that these big Italian families think, well, you're not interested in marrying women.
	Let's put him in the church.
	Thanks for the news flash.
	Oh, grand wizard of everything we already know.
	Yeah, you fucking asshole.
	Wait, what imitation are you doing?
	Just an Italian guy.
	Chris Moyers has an attack on me.
	Uh-oh.
	You ready for this?
	Oh, yeah, it's going to be brutal.
	We barely scratched the surface of these letters, by the way.
	I know.
	There's a lot to get to.
	It's a very, uh, how do I say this?
	It's a very difficult situation.
	Okay.
	Chris Moyers wants me to know.
	Gavin McInnes says he's like the guy from Police Academy more than once when not even in the same realm of that guy.
	I've made some fart sounds too.
	Not impressive.
	Hey shit for brains, Chris.
	When I say I sound like the guy from Police Academy who does the cool sounds with his voice, I'm clearly being sarcastic.
	I'm clearly making fun of myself for not being as good as that guy.
	I've made it clear many times I'm not good at magical sounds.
	I'm not good at imitations.
	And in the self-deprecating mode of humor, I joke that I'm the guy from Police Academy.
	Yeah, you piece of shit.
	Also, Gavin says, don't say like, and proceeds to say the word like.
	That's very true.
	That's a good criticism of me.
	Good work, Chris.
	Do as I do, not as I say.
	Okay, shut up.
	Sorry.
	Three says, don't say literally and proceeds to use the word literally.
	I don't think I say literally too much.
	Anyway, that's one good insult.
	Gav, this is from Joe Despresse.
	Would you rather go on the view for a full hour or introduce President Trump before a rally?
	That's a pretty good one.
	Joe?
	What do you think, Rye Guy?
	Well, I would do The View.
	Get more exposie.
	Yeah, like the introducing President Trump would be awesome, and it'd be great to meet him, but you know that I'd meet him for a handshake.
	And introducing him is like when they have some girl with one arm throw in the first pitch at Citi Field at the Mets game.
	No one knows who that is.
	And God, you're wonderful, little girl.
	I'm glad you got a fucking fake arm.
	Get out of here now.
	So she's not a thing.
	So I would definitely do the view.
	I would tear them all a new ass.
	I would do so much research about them.
	I bet they all have failed marriages and kids that they don't talk to anymore.
	And they're sitting there telling us how to live our lives.
	Oh, that would be great.
	Yeah, because the Trump thing could be heartbreaking, too.
	What if he's like, great guy, and that's all he says about you?
	And you're just like, fuck.
	Yeah, no, thanks.
	And I'm not into rock stars.
	Like, I really appreciate Trump.
	He's my favorite president ever.
	But I'd love to sit down with him and talk for maybe 15 minutes.
	But if it's going to be 10 seconds, I don't really give a shit.
	And I hate when other people have that attitude.
	Like, they want a selfie with me or they're excited about meeting some celebrity for, like, they line up.
	You can line up to get a picture with a princess when you're five.
	That's fine.
	But if you're an adult and you're lining up to just say hi to a celebrity for one second, you're a shitty person who hates himself.
	Here's a really insulting one from Chris Moyers.
	Wait, that's the same guy who just insulted me below.
	The fuck?
	He sent another insulting email the same day.
	All right, let's do it.
	Stop filming in 4D.
	When you take off your glasses, it adds a fourth dimension of ugly to the whole segment.
	Way too much Gavin facial.
	No one needs that.
	That was very mean, fairly accurate.
	All right, that's enough out of you.
	I have one.
	Okay.
	It's from Jay Logan.
	He says, excuse me.
	Excuse me.
	Excuse me.
	You say you lose weight.
	You didn't lose weight.
	Why are you lying?
	Because you put on five pounds.
	Your wife here, she loses 68 pounds.
	She's ready for the procedure.
	You already have the procedure and you're eating until you vomit.
	That's your body.
	This is why we give you a gastric bypass.
	So your body will reject excess food.
	I'm retaining weight to water.
	I think I'm drinking too much.
	I don't want to get malnourished.
	You're getting mountain dune nourished.
	Why are you saying this?
	Why are you trying to lie to me?
	All right, I'm out of here.
	I don't need this shit.
	Meanwhile, the guy's getting a free gastric bypass that the fucking show is paying for.
	Yeah, this person apparently has worked on that show.
	Yeah, that's not a letter.
	That's a letter to us.
	Oh, no, no, it's not a different person.
	Hey, boys, I'm a medic from Houston where my 600-pound life is filmed and transported literally tons of bariatric patients, including some of the ones on that show.
	They're without exception.
	I've never heard the word bariatric before.
	Bariatric patients.
	They are without exception a fucking nightmare to deal with, constantly complaining when you move them, even though they can't move themselves.
	They also smell worse than you could ever imagine because each of their 100 flaps is basically a sweaty ass crack.
	Oh, I never thought of that.
	Yeah, they can't fit in a shower or tend to the flaps.
	So the skin breaks, becomes infected, and the smell would make you vomit.
	The other day, you mentioned a fat woman dying during surgery.
	Aside from their heart being strangled by fat, it's hard for anesthesiologists to get the dosage right because you can't calculate it by weight.
	And sometimes they die, and sometimes they'll fucking wake up in the middle of the operation and start screaming.
	This is the funny part.
	One time we had a 700-pound woman on the stretcher.
	We had to take a specialized MRI, one of the largest in the city.
	She was so fat she couldn't fit in it.
	So the doctor says, we're going to have to contact the veterinary MRI at the fucking zoo.
	She starts crying.
	Sorry, you tell me what to do.
	You tell me.
	Should I build a machine just for you?
	She starts crying.
	All of her fat is rolling around on my stretcher.
	And I'm standing there like thinking, Jesus Christ, we used to be hunters and warriors and shit.
	Keep up the good work.
	MPS, exhale when you get hit, and you won't gas when you spar.
	Yes, I'm aware of that.
	Thank you.
	Wild Bill.
	I was really enjoying Wild Bill there until he gave me that fucking tip.
	Like, my coaches don't scream that in my face.
	I've had guys I'm fighting yell that at me.
	Breathe, breathe.
	Yeah.
	I'm aware, okay?
	Jesus Christ, I'm fist fighting someone.
	That's like saying, hey, when you're fist fighting someone, try to sing the Star Spangled Banner backwards.
	Yeah, Gavin doesn't tell you how to treat your fatties.
	Yeah.
	Don't tell me how to treat my fatties.
	So bariatric is the world of medicine.
	A bariatric patient is a patient who is.
	I thought it was a hockey player.
	No, it's a patient who's getting treated.
	So it's a type of medicine.
	And bariatric surgery is like a gastric bypass where they stitch your stomach to make it smaller.
	It's not a hockey player who is known for hitting three goals in a row?
	Go back to that last email, though.
	I like that guy.
	Oh, yeah, that's another thing I want to bring up.
	I talked to a surgeon about this, and he said, another big problem with these gigantic tubs of shit is we didn't go to medical school for that.
	We've slowly figured out that you need a laser to cut through the fat to get to the organs, but that's not in medical school because those textbooks are 40 years old.
	This phenomenon has really become an epidemic in the past 15 years, 20 years.
	So they don't, like my dad broke his back in 17 places, which is a great story.
	He got drunk and decided he was going to chop a branch down, but one branch was in the way.
	So he tied it back with a rope.
	And so it was like a catapult waiting to go off.
	He ignored it.
	And then he's not dumb.
	So he protected himself with safety gear.
	His safety gear was three wool hats, like ski hats, like toques, like you wear.
	Three Okimo hats.
	And then a bunch of sweaters and a puffy vest.
	There you go.
	Now nothing can hurt you.
	And as he was sawing off the branch with a chainsaw, not even a real chainsaw, a chainsaw with an electrical cord because he's too cheap to have a real chainsaw.
	So it's like basically a leaf trimmer.
	And he's sawing away at this branch.
	And then his catapult branch comes undone and just goes and whacks him like a t-ball.
	And he goes flying through the air with the chainsaw running.
	Oh, it's not running anymore because his hands off it.
	But a chainsaw, him, and the ladder for some reason went flying through the air.
	Maybe it hit the ladder first.
	And then he lands on the ladder about 20 feet away, shattered about 17 vertebrae in his spine.
	Anyway, the doctor takes him in there.
	Hoop, doop, doop, done.
	And my dad goes, that was fucking quick, by the way.
	And they go, yeah, that's what we went to school for.
	The beauty of you, Mr. McInnes, is that you're normal.
	He was going to say skinny, but normal-sized.
	So I cut your back open.
	Boom.
	There's the broken vertebrae just sitting there, just like they were in my textbooks, just like I learned in school.
	And I put the little pins in the broken ones and I zip you back up.
	Boom, done.
	Boom, done.
	I'm doing a Christian Vardi.
	I'm doing a punk rock podcast where I talk to controversial people.
	Can you be on it?
	No.
	Only contact me to do an interview if you have, you know, 10,000 followers on Twitter at least.
	And that's not a snobby thing.
	Or Alex Jones would say, I'm not bragging.
	I just don't have time to do all your shitty little podcasts.
	I get people from college saying, I'm doing a paper on patriotism.
	Can I do an interview with?
	No.
	When I was in college, I didn't get to contact people that I was doing a thing on.
	All right.
	This one's, how are we doing for time?
	We got to wrap it up soon.
	An hour 22.
	All right.
	We got to wrap it up.
	By the way, I have another thousand letters.
	I think these letters are pretty good, too.
	I wouldn't be reading anything that was just like, hey, man, really good podcast.
	Really enjoy it.
	Like, Howard Stern, oh, there I am saying like.
	You're right, dude.
	Howard Stern will have these callers who just go, hey, I love the show, man.
	I thought that last interview was really good.
	What the fuck kind of comment is that?
	How are we, any of us, further ahead?
	I just learned bariatric.
	Now we're farther ahead.
	We know more than we did before that letter.
	Okay, you want to hear this one?
	This is going to be the last letter from James Anderson.
	Bring it on now.
	Kevin, the guy asked me about sleeping with a girl in a relationship.
	It reminded me of a story.
	I'm a 21-year-old college senior who slept with a married woman with kids on multiple occasions.
	Something I'm not very proud of.
	We met at an event, which had a social dance in the evening.
	Before it began, she was coming onto me hard.
	At this point, I was unaware she was married or had children and happily flirted along, not thinking anything would come of it.
	As the evening progressed, we danced.
	We were hanging out afterwards, flirting and joking.
	I started making out with her as this progressed.
	She mentioned that she wouldn't say why.
	Eventually, she mentioned that she was married and fairly older than me.
	I was 20 at the time, she was 31.
	We kept going.
	I'm not proud of this, but holy shit, I was horny.
	I didn't know she had kids yet.
	We fucked, stayed up talking, a lot of excited talk about how she hasn't felt like this in so long and being an idiot.
	I thought in the morning we would never see each other again.
	No harm, no foul.
	She added me on Facebook after the event, and out of a mix of foolishness and horniness, I accepted horniness.
	Why do I want to make, on our new show, I want to sell t-shirts that just say horniness?
	That's pretty cool.
	Would you wear a shirt that said horniness?
	Yeah, I wore a shirt.
	You wear a shirt with you as a baby on it.
	Yeah, I usually stick to just white shirts, though.
	Okay, sorry.
	Sensitive subject.
	We fucked and stayed up talking.
	Sorry.
	We made out, planned to meet again.
	Of course, I had to lie to my parents about where I was going.
	By the way, why are you talking to your parents when you're 20?
	Ryan is no example.
	Actually, Ryan never had parents.
	He lived with his grandparents.
	He's more like Spider-Man in that sense.
	But you should move out at 18.
	I can't afford it.
	Fuck off.
	Sleep on bunks.
	You know, you can get a shitty apartment for $1,700.
	You get four guys in the bedroom.
	One, two, three, four.
	Two bunk beds.
	Now it's, what's 17 divided by four?
	$5.50 each?
	What's $500?
	$500 a month, $100 a week.
	I'm spend more of that on booze.
	Yeah, but I can't fuck chicks.
	You'll figure something out, my friend.
	There's a bathroom.
	You can stay at her house.
	Now that I crammed you all into the bedroom, all four of you, you have this whole big living room to yourself.
	You know what we used to do in our first house?
	We put the couch on seven milk crates, so it was six feet in the air.
	And we would just watch TV with our feet dangling down on this giant couch.
	You know, fun shit like that.
	Oh my God, my mommy didn't know where I was going.
	You should be, James, you should be so ashamed of that sentence.
	Of course, I had to lie to my parents about where I was going, which added another layer of guilt to this.
	What a pussy.
	I felt so guilty lying to my mama.
	I was 20 and I was banging this married chick.
	What has happened to the men today?
	Jesus Christ, dude, read that sentence back to yourself 100 times and change your ways.
	You know what?
	I just changed my mind about all of this.
	I was going to have a long philosophical discussion about what you should do.
	If you're 20 and any woman hits on you who is of legal age, the answer is yes.
	Sorry, I don't care if she's married.
	If it's, wait, wait, sorry.
	Sorry, sorry, sorry.
	There is an exception.
	If it's your buddy's ex, the answer is no.
	Unless it's been more than a year and you ask him first and he goes, yeah, fuck her.
	Good, dude.
	Get her out of my hair.
	I hate her guts.
	And he's really in, like he says, definitely do it.
	And like he looks you right in the eyes.
	He goes, believe me, dude, I couldn't be happier for you if you fucked that stupid bitch.
	If he says that, okay.
	But he probably won't.
	And then obviously, and I can't, I shouldn't even have to say this.
	If your friend's girlfriend hits on you in any way, you run from her, bawling your eyes out because you feel so bad for your friend.
	Okay?
	But outside of those, some stranger comes up and wants to fuck you in your 20.
	Yes is the answer.
	I don't care who she is.
	And secondly, don't worry about lying to your mommy and daddy about it.
	Okay?
	You fucking pussy.
	We planned another meeting.
	She got a hotel room.
	Before this third rendezvous, I did some digging and found out that she was married to a fucking marine.
	Uh-oh.
	Now I'm worried about you.
	Now I'm not worried about the ethics.
	I'm worried about you being murdered.
	Physically, yeah.
	Yeah, not getting beat up.
	Being murdered and him not getting charged because he's so good that you just vanish.
	And he knows where there's cameras and he knows where to put the body.
	He might not even kill you first.
	He might just throw you in the hole and bury you alive.
	Yeah, you're going to be bruised and battered.
	Talk about swollen valor.
	Okay.
	Go ahead, Gav.
	Back to you.
	You have to be a guy.
	You can only talk as Jordan Peterson for the rest of this podcast.
	How about my Tony Soprero President?
	No, Jordan Peterson.
	Okay, I can absolutely do that.
	First, by the sheer horror of what I was involved in.
	Second, by the fact that if a man found out, he would murder me.
	And frankly, I wouldn't blame him.
	How was that?
	It wasn't bad.
	I felt pretty good about that.
	So yeah, I went to the third meeting, propelled in part by the thought that if she didn't, she would tell someone, I'd be somewhere at the bottom of the ocean.
	Oh, that's another thing, guys.
	She's going to tell her husband.
	So you got to get in and get out.
	During a fight.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	She'd be like, I fucked this kid.
	Then he's like, well, now you're both dead.
	Well, I hope you like the bottom of the East River because that's your next home.
	We slept together and I asked question about how secretive she was being.
	She assured me no one would know.
	No, dude.
	After this, I couldn't bear it any longer and started seeing someone my age.
	So I did not text her for a while.
	Then in brackets, what a terrible mistake.
	I'm sure you know this, but never stop communicating with a woman without saying why.
	Yeah, that's another good tip I've always said.
	If you want to break up with a chick, I don't know why this is so hard.
	Guys just will put it off for months and months and treat her like shit.
	And well, she gets good head.
	And fuck you.
	It's just a bad six hours.
	You go to her house, you sit down, you go, this isn't working out.
	I'm sorry.
	I don't want to do this anymore.
	I'm not happy.
	Those are all good sentences to say.
	And then you just sit it out.
	People work in the sewers.
	You know what a rat king is?
	It's when rats' tails get so tangled together that they become a ball of rats.
	And they clog the shit pipes in the sewers.
	Some guy goes down there with his yellow gloves on and grabs a rat king and pulls it out and then all the shit can pour out and he gets shit all over him.
	Okay?
	And that's a success.
	That's him having a good day at work.
	He just got a raise for that.
	That's him kicking ass and taking names.
	And I'm not disparaging that profession, obviously.
	I'm saying those guys are awesome.
	We need them.
	They're real men, hard workers, dirty jobs.
	So you can sit in a beautiful 70 degrees apartment where you're allowed to have a yogurt snack halfway through, and you can watch your ex-girlfriend cry for six hours.
	Just do it.
	And by the way, if you dump her on an answering machine or just be a pussy and don't call her like this guy did, who's worried about his mommy and daddy, you'll feel way worse for way longer.
	Do the clean breaks.
	She'll respect you more.
	Explain to her that's not going to happen anymore.
	If she's a psycho, you could be in some trouble.
	She's going to like call your friends and stuff.
	You also have to watch out for her lying and saying that she raped you or something.
	That's another terrible case scenario.
	But yeah, just sit down and be a man about it.
	Anyway, we met again at another event of the same nature later.
	Like normally I'd let someone get away with event of the same nature, but when you said, I felt bad, I had to lie to my mommy and daddy, I can't forgive same nature.
	She broke down asking why I didn't talk to her.
	Why are you writing me this?
	This is getting boring.
	Which was shitty, I admit, but I wasn't shitting him.
	Apparently, she had told her husband, duh.
	And things were rough.
	So maybe we should be clear here: if some married woman wants to fuck you, get in and get out and disappear because her husband's going to kill you.
	And things were rough, but they were working through it.
	At least we had some closure.
	I hope they're still together for the kids' sake.
	This guy's kind of a real softy for someone who dabbles with the Marines family.
	You know what I mean?
	It's like a gay bank robber.
	To this day, I am astounded that I was not murdered and have a hard time believing this happened if not for the fact that I was there.
	No moral dilemma.
	All totally terrible.
	Dante Afternoon, that's a gay bank robber.
	Really?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Okay.
	I haven't seen it in a long time.
	No, I wasn't saying no moral dilemma.
	This is in the letter.
	No moral dilemma, all totally terrible, but I guess your friend was right.
	I did that guy a favor by letting him know that his wife would do this.
	I just hope he doesn't repay me for it.
	Yeah.
	All right, guys.
	That is barely taking a chip out of the letters.
	We're not going to have another mail.
	We'll do mail individual small mailbags per show, but we're never going to have a mailbag episode, probably not for at least a week.
	But I think these are good to help clear the rat kings out of the sewers.
	Now we're covered in shit.
	I like you more than a friend.
	Please go to nohate.com for the Miles videos.
	We do super chats once a week there, where you can write in any question you want and ask my brother Miles, what's up?
	I also put out a new video on the Gavin 2000 on YouTube every day.
	And we got our new show launching pretty soon.
	We're already banking stuff for it.
	We're already planning the copper cab fight.
	We're going to go to Atlanta and they're going to shoot a big sort of 30-up ESPN, 30-foot-30 thing where you get to know the fighters.
	Is that it, Ryan?
	Yep.
	Tommy Robinson was just trying to sue the police for human rights abuses.
	I don't know how well it went.
	He definitely has a case, but he could have a shitty lawyer who fucked it up.
	Who knows?
	I think that's it.
	Yeah.
	So I'll see you soon.
	I like you more than a friend.
	And please go to defendgavin.com and lay down five bucks.
	If all of you put down five bucks, we can help turn the tides of this shipwreck.
	We are headed into a serious calamity here on this boat.
	And we need to get away from these rocks and save free speech because it's getting worse every day.
	And big tech is really enjoying our own demise.
	All right.
	Like you more than a friend.
	Defendgavin.com.

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