Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - Get Off My Lawn Podcast #118 | I just put a manpon in the garbage

March 4, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:23:43

Get Off My Lawn Podcast #118 | I just put a manpon in the garbage

After a lot of heavy politics, we decided to make this episode super funny and comedy oriented. The problem is, simply focussing on funny topics does not a funny podcast make. This ep is less amusing than any of the political ones which may be proof I’m just losing my sense of humor. This episode could be the first of a sad decline in my career as a professional amuser.

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	I um just put a man pon in the garbage of the studio here, so don't go in there.
	I used a man pon because I was using the lavatory and I had to do Patrick Coffin's show.
	He's a Catholic.
	I think he was.
	Ooh.
	Whoa.
	That's an emergency.
	John Mulaney had a good bit about sirens on SNL.
	Did you see it?
	No.
	He's like, they're so mean now.
	They're ain't, ah, ah.
	He goes, they used to sound like an old Jewish cat dying.
	And I just go, old Jewish cat dying.
	It's funny.
	My wife goes, Patrick Mulaney made it to SNL.
	I go, he's a superstar.
	John Mulaney's hilarious, yeah.
	But he's one of the big, he wrote for Seinfeld.
	He's had his own show.
	I think he was doing that Nick Crowell Old People thing at Madison Square Garden or, I don't know, Radio City Music Hall or some big place.
	Yeah, Too Much Tuna or something.
	Anyway, when I had an ad agency, I did that once.
	And I had my man pon.
	And the co-founder that started it, he had to blow his nose.
	And there was no tissues around.
	So he rifled through the office garbage.
	And he discovered that, and he blew his nose in it.
	And then he saw the little brown square that is inevitably there.
	And you know what's great about him is he's got a really bad gag reflex.
	Like I could make him barf all the time.
	We go on business trips and I just start thinking of stuff.
	And like one time he felt kind of sick and he goes, oh fine, I think I'm going to throw up.
	I don't feel too good.
	And I go, your dad and my dad are naked and it's a hot day out and they've rubbed butter all over their butts and they're rubbing their butts together covered in melted butter and there's flies everywhere.
	And he just goes, oh my God, that's disgusting.
	There's few things that make you laugh harder than making your friend barf.
	It's just such an accomplishment, you know?
	Or making anyone barf.
	Say you're at a party.
	This doesn't really happen as an adult, but when you're, you know, in your 20s and someone is like, they're too drunk, and then you go up to them and you say something like, just imagine having a third trimester abortion now, but you're a man and they do it out of your asshole.
	And then you're like, yay!
	I did it.
	I was thinking, I was writing down actually that the times I've laughed hardest in my life.
	And it wasn't actually when my buddy used my man pon.
	By the way, a man pon is when you fold up tissue and you put it in between your butt cheeks.
	It's usually what professional men in New York do in July because they're wearing suits and we get what roadies call swamp ass.
	And I've seen a man on 52nd Street duck into a little alcove and remove it.
	And there it was, a perfect square with a little round.
	It's almost like you're wearing brown lipstick and you just, you did that to sort of take off the excess lipstick.
	It's like a little love note.
	You write your number on it.
	Little love note from your ass to New York.
	You have like a refurbished asshole.
	Like you sent your body in for repair because you had a broken asshole and they just gave you like a used one.
	They sent it back.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, this is no good.
	But I was writing down the hardest I've ever laughed in my life and I was remembering Ryan McGinley was this photographer that I discovered, by the way.
	Ryan, I discovered you.
	But he didn't include that in his book for some reason.
	I guess because I'm a pariah now.
	But I'm trying to find it here.
	Oh, yeah.
	So I found it.
	So he came out.
	We're at a party and he came out and he went, hey guys, what's going on?
	And he had cum all over his face.
	Now he's a gay man.
	So I assumed he was in there performing fellatio and his partner had ejaculated on him.
	And instead of wiping it off, he came out and just started hanging out with people.
	Now I found out later that's not what happened.
	It was hand soap.
	But when I first thought it was the first thing, it was a laugh.
	It was like a high school laugh.
	You know those laughs?
	As an old man now, you know, we're calloused.
	Our funny bones are calloused.
	So we'll laugh.
	My son will say something really cute and I'll go, ha ha.
	But like the dying laugh where you're grabbing at air and pushing it into your mouth because you're going to suffocate and you're actually worried.
	You know those laughs?
	I can barely remember them.
	But I remember those laughs where you go, this is becoming a concern.
	I'm laughing too hard.
	Like we used to do this thing in high school where we'd burn each other.
	And the way you burn someone is you just show your eyes and you stare at them and you're somewhere far away.
	So you could be just sort of peering out.
	You know like that Kilroy was here graffiti where it's just eyes poking out from something and you can't see the rest of the face?
	So you'd maybe go horizontal by the edge of a doorway.
	So you're bending your neck, right?
	And it's just your eyes peering around the corner and you stare at this guy.
	He could be eating a sandwich.
	It could take you 10 minutes for him to sort of look around the room and then he sees you staring at him sideways like that with just your eyes and it's called being burned and you'd always laugh your head off.
	And one time I was walking down the street after school, leaving school, and a school bus drove by and Eric deGras was there and just peering just his eyes out of the window.
	So I just, for some reason, luckily, I was looking at the school bus and I see a person sitting facing forward, person sitting facing forward, person sitting facing forward, person sitting facing forward, Eric's eyes burning me, person sitting facing forward, person sitting, and I was dead.
	Like a sniper shot my knees out.
	I collapsed to the ground.
	He's gone, meanwhile.
	The school bus is gone, but it was like, it was almost like that Muslim dude, the Beltway Sniper, who's never called a Muslim, by the way.
	It's always like some crazy guy.
	He was a Muslim.
	It's almost like the Beltway Sniper drove by and just went, just shot my knees out.
	And that was the laughing I did when Ryan fake had jizz on his face.
	Holy shit, did I laugh?
	I remember Sitting on a couch, and I was catapulted out of the couch, like flying out of the couch, dropped to my knees, screaming, laughing.
	No one else thought it was that funny, which I don't understand.
	And so that's two of the hardest times I ever laughed in my life.
	The third was Chin, we called him.
	His name was Christian, and everyone called him Chin in Texas.
	And he kept messing with our buddy Stockbauer and shoving him.
	Stockbauer was all Texans are kind of effeminate.
	They've got this gregarious way of talking, guy.
	And they sort of, their arms are always gesticulating.
	And people in the North think they're gay.
	Well, this guy has that southern thing, but it's 10 times crazier.
	So he's almost like Paul Lynn or Liberace, but Texan.
	And whenever he would come to New York, they'd go, who's your gay friend?
	And he'd go, God, I'm not gay.
	It just feels good.
	All his quotes are amazing.
	Yes.
	I used to follow him around with a notepad.
	And he caught me once and he goes, that's it.
	Write it down, boys.
	I'm the Oscar gone wild of our generation.
	When I first met him, it was with a junkie named Jesse.
	And Jesse is probably high on heroin at the time.
	And he said, hey, man, do you like to go low or do you like to get up?
	You'd like uppers or downers?
	And Jesse goes, oh, kind of going down.
	And he goes, not me.
	I like to get higher than a Georgia pine.
	Birds are boring, dude.
	Wait, what do you say?
	What was the birds are boring?
	Oh, yeah.
	What was that?
	We were at an outdoor cafe in Austin in the 90s, during South by Southwest.
	And we saw these two parakeets.
	And they looked out of their element, obviously.
	And people were saying, what are those doing there?
	And he goes, God damn it.
	Birds are boring.
	Look at me.
	Is that the same place we ate?
	Yes.
	Oh, that's awesome.
	Yeah.
	Felt historic.
	That junkie guy was fucking funny, man.
	I remember one time I was at Doc Holidays, and he showed up with two large coffees because heroin makes you low-gi, right?
	Tired.
	And you don't want people to know you're on heroin, but you're also super lazy.
	So you come up with these terrible scams where I'm just going to, and I said, Jesse, I know you're trying to be a normal person, but normal people drink a coffee at a time.
	No one orders two larges.
	You're just going to have explosive diarrhea, which probably would be good because junkies get constipated.
	Did you know that when I went into that Tommy Robinson trial in London, everyone was on his side, but there was a few protesters who were sort of secretly there, including some terrorist Muslim guy who I had to tell the police about, a guy who was friends with the terrorist who drove over the London Bridge.
	Whoa.
	And he stuck around after and was debating people and stuff.
	And I said to the cops, I know you're watching everyone here.
	Let's give a disproportionate amount of attention to this guy with the giant beard staring at us.
	And I showed him an article about the actual guy.
	He's a well-known jihadist over there.
	Anyway, someone threw shit at us.
	And I think I've told this story before.
	The poo was as big as a professional NFL football.
	It was shaped more like a tooth, but it was as big as a football.
	And it hit the ground with a thud.
	And this woman sort of, she had one of those stupid aluminum coffee mugs that people carry around.
	I don't know why.
	And she used that to sort of break it in two and push it over to the side.
	Yeah.
	It was one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen in my life.
	But yeah, so I'm going to repeat a story here because we were talking about repeating stories.
	And someone actually requested a story in the scrotum today in the mailbag.
	He said, can you tell that story again?
	And I will tell that story again.
	But the story I was going to tell now was with Jesse.
	He said, hey, hey man, come on over.
	This guy, people don't understand heroin does kill you and everything.
	It also makes you the most annoying, shitty weirdo ever.
	Like he, he would, I remember one time, his girlfriend at the time, they couldn't get the computer to work.
	And he's like, maybe you have, this is back in the early 2000s, so this was a thing, font conflict.
	Maybe you have a font conflict.
	See if you can get rid of some fonts.
	As he's talking to her about this, and they're both in slow motion trying to solve it, he has his thumb lodged 100% up his ass.
	That's just what you do when you're a junkie.
	And you know what else junkies do?
	They suck each other's dicks.
	Whoa.
	Straight guys will suck each other's flaccid penises.
	It's just like you become an animal.
	You become like a weird gross chimp.
	And you have no feelings.
	He broke up with this one girl.
	He just sat with her on the couch and he had his legs draped over her.
	And he just goes, yeah, it's not working out.
	We're breaking out.
	And so she's sitting there bawling her eyes out.
	And he's just staring at her like you would an animal in the zoo, just feeling nothing.
	Anyway, he invites us all over for breakfast.
	So we get there.
	I'm already annoyed.
	What is this?
	A breakfast party?
	And there's about 10 of us over at the time.
	And it's like one o'clock.
	And he doesn't have anything to eat, but like some frozen waffles.
	Okay, thanks, Jesse.
	This is a really fun idea for a new kind of party, a breakfast party with no food.
	And the only coffee he had was from this tiny Hello Kitty coffee maker that makes one tiny little coffee at a time.
	Sort of like the coffee makers you get in your hotel where it does one cup.
	So now I'm pissed.
	I'm like, dude, what is this?
	And he's like, oh, hey, man, we got to get butter.
	I was going to call you.
	And as he's saying this, he's trying to fix this Hello Kitty thing.
	He doesn't understand how it works.
	So he's moving the Hello Kitty mug, like the little chamber that gets the coffee.
	He's moving it right and left and right and left.
	Like eventually the coffee maker is going to learn what he's trying to do and fix itself.
	So now I'm really pissed off.
	And then he says to his girlfriend, you got to go get butter.
	We don't want any butter.
	And I'm just like, you know, besides the part where they all die, junkies really are the worst fucking people alive.
	The worst.
	So then she goes, Okay, they're both talking like they're underwater.
	She goes to leave, and she comes back and she puts on her sunglasses.
	And then he goes, Katie, Katie, and she turns around and he says the gayest thing that has ever been said by anyone around me before or since.
	It's if I started my own SPLC, I would have hate maps for sentences, people who had said something this bad.
	You ready for this?
	Yes.
	He says in his junky voice, still messing with the Hello Kitty coffee filter, he goes, I like your new sunglasses.
	I woke up the next morning like a zombie out of bed, like the killer in the movie Halloween when Jamie Lee Curtis is on the phone and then the killer who you think is dead suddenly gets up, just without using his arms, just sits up.
	That next morning, I was like, I like your new sunglasses.
	Oh, God, it lobotomizes you.
	Anyway, sorry.
	So Chin was bugging Stockbauer and Stockbauer got some pink house paint.
	And as Chin was talking to someone else, he poured it on top of his head.
	And before Chin realized what was happening, because it was like room temperature, right?
	He had a good, I'm going to say two shots.
	Like if you get a shot at a bar, two shots of pink paint.
	And then with the, we did the best thing ever.
	We said, dude, dude, dude, if you get it wet right now and you wash it just with cold water, it'll come out.
	Now that's obviously a lie.
	It's oil, this paint.
	It's house paint.
	So the only way you get it out is with more oil.
	So if anyone pours house paint on your head, you got to go get some olive oil from the kitchen, mix that in, get as much as you can out with the olive oil, and then wash it with soap, and that'll take the olive oil and the paint off.
	The worst thing you could do is add water to it because what that does is it just dilutes it and it gets it covering 100% of your hair.
	So he was selling wine at the time as a job and I realized that he's going to have to walk around for maybe three days with this hard glue pink hair like he's a rug rat or something.
	And I was fucking laughing harder than the Ryan laugh, harder than the Eric laugh.
	I was, and I have it on video somewhere.
	Stockbauer has it.
	I think it's on some Vice South by Southwest thing.
	If you're really ambitious, you could maybe dig it up.
	Stockbauer, Vice, South by Southwest, Austin.
	It was a pink party.
	That was the theme of the party, which is why he had pink paint.
	But I'll never laugh like that again.
	It was a laugh.
	It was almost like a roller coaster, you know, where it just keeps going and going, and it's just so intense, and it seems like there's limitless energy.
	This would be back in like 2000 or maybe even the 90s.
	So you're not going to see it in a new noisy post.
	So that was funny.
	When Ryan and I were in Texas, we visited Stockbauer and we became obsessed with the doctor.
	Have we already talked about this?
	I don't think so.
	The doctor from my 600-pound life.
	He has his way of talking.
	Excuse me.
	What are you doing?
	What are you doing to me?
	You put on, she lose 60 pounds.
	You're not being honest with me.
	You got the gastric bypass.
	You put on 7 pounds.
	You're not eating right.
	It's very simple.
	And they're always so cunty to him.
	This guy's trying to save their life.
	And every single fat person on that show has a terrible attitude.
	Everyone's done them wrong.
	This hotel, the beds are too high up.
	I can't get on them.
	You're hurting me.
	It's too hot.
	They forgot my fries.
	Just, I wonder how you became such a useless fat pig.
	Maybe it's because you have a useless fat attitude.
	So anyway, we just became that doctor for hours at a time.
	The whole flight.
	The whole flight and just walking around, it became like, what if that doctor was just really annoying and the way fat people see him is the way he is?
	Oh, hello.
	Hi.
	How y'all doing?
	How y'all doing?
	What is he?
	Dr. Noswarden?
	What kind of nationality is that?
	This is Dr. Now for short.
	So we were like, Susie's me.
	Susie's me.
	I did it when we went to Disneyland too.
	It was driving my family.
	Really?
	Yeah, that's funny.
	Because I go, Susie's me, excuse me.
	What are you doing?
	What?
	I'm here.
	I work at the store at the hotel.
	Excuse me.
	Are all these things expensive?
	How much is this?
	And I noticed people get real annoyed.
	Like I would go to the Hard Rock Hotel and go to the front and go, excuse me, excuse me.
	These guitars on the wall, do they all work?
	Yes, I assume they work.
	Okay.
	You're allowed to take them down.
	This one is really Prince Really Play this one.
	Anyway, it's a lot of fun.
	Who is this?
	Excuse me.
	Excuse me.
	Who is this?
	Excuse me.
	He's playing Candy Crush.
	Yeah.
	Yes.
	He missed the whole top row.
	It's blueberries.
	He could have got that.
	Okay, sir.
	That's not my concern.
	Can you buckle your seatbelt?
	We're about to take off.
	Excuse me.
	Yes.
	Excuse me.
	Yes.
	Oh, and it's great on a plane, too, because there's that button where you can call the flight attendant.
	I once gotten shit from a flight attendant for pressing that button to ask for booze.
	And I was like, no offense, but the button itself is a picture of you handing me a drink.
	It's like a drink with a hand.
	That's what is the icon on the button.
	How come I don't get a game?
	I can't play the game.
	Excuse me.
	Well, that's on her phone, sir.
	Excuse me.
	Excuse me.
	You'd be amazed.
	You'd be amazed how fun it is to do that guy.
	Like, I stopped because my wife was in tears and my kids were in a really bad mood.
	But now I'm looking for that video, by the way.
	It's just so soothing.
	I can't explain it.
	Why is that?
	Because it's simple.
	Because he gets away with so much.
	He can do anything.
	Excuse me.
	He does anything he wants.
	Anyway.
	That's almost like the you were doing a lot of voices down there.
	The Chinese guy, the Uber driver, like, oh, the guy last night, he very drunk, so he leaned seep back all the way, but nice guy.
	And you're like, yeah, nice guy.
	Nice guy.
	That video is exclusively.
	It's not offensive to do someone's accent back to them as long as they never notice.
	And clearly, if their English is that shitty, they won't notice.
	Now, my wife always ruins it by going, ah, he's joking.
	I'm sorry about him.
	And I go, you just, the tree fell in the woods.
	It wasn't making a sound.
	But now you made it a thing.
	And now he knows I was making fun of him.
	Now I'm embarrassed.
	What were you doing, lady?
	You did kind of break the character, though, because he passed the turn.
	He's like, no, no, it's over to the left.
	Yeah, but they don't.
	I was like, fuck.
	They don't get those subtleties.
	Imagine you being able to differentiate what kind of mandarin someone was doing.
	Yeah, I suppose, I suppose.
	I had a funny idea for a series of documentaries.
	I think I might do it.
	I'm ruining the surprise here, but think of it as you guys getting an inside scoop on future art projects.
	That's the beauty of being a member of this mug club, as Crowder would put it.
	You're on the Get Off My Lawn Club, so you hear about projects before they happen.
	I also want to get it out there because I'm scared it will be stolen.
	Okay, here's my idea.
	Three documentaries, they're all basically the same joke, but you take something like, well, 600 pound life, for example.
	We've already talked about this.
	This is happening.
	I'm going to duplicate 600 pound life, and I'm just going to make it me.
	I think I'm up to 180 pounds now.
	So it'll be my 180-pound life.
	And I'll have Ryan wash me and stuff in the bathroom.
	And I'll be eating like fried chicken off of my giant t-shirt.
	And people will be helping me get out of bed.
	Unfortunately, I won't be able to play the doctor.
	She's so me.
	Why are you weighing?
	You weigh 180.
	You start this, you are not weighing 180.
	Now you weigh 180, you weigh 175.
	That's your best impression.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	That sounds just like the guy.
	Why are you lying to me?
	What are you doing?
	Excuse me.
	Excuse me.
	I think it's so soothing because he doesn't use any of his mouth muscles.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	You think of like Jim Carrey who has to use 110% of his face to talk?
	Yeah.
	This using guy, he doesn't know nothing.
	He barely doesn't even move his mouth.
	It's the opposite of all righty then.
	Yeah.
	That's him yelling.
	He doesn't get himself to 750 pounds.
	You do your part.
	See, let's get him talking.
	I've never seen him mad before.
	Yeah, that's actually a good one.
	You do your part.
	Excuse me.
	What are you doing?
	Why are you lying to me?
	This conversation is not over.
	But maybe it will help if we get you more mobile.
	Yes.
	But maybe let's look at your thigh and see.
	Oh, God.
	That's bad.
	Your leg is actually looking pretty good.
	Yeah, right.
	Your leg is actually looking pretty good.
	You know what he sounds exactly like?
	What's your name from Mad TV?
	Used to do Miss Swan, yeah.
	He's indecipherable.
	I would love to see Agor Vidal versus, what's his name?
	William Buckley.
	Agor Vidal versus William Buckley debate, but it's the doctor from 600 Pound Life and Miss Swan.
	And she's like, excuse me, why you do that?
	What are you doing?
	Why are you doing that to me?
	Who's this?
	Who's this?
	Why'd you say that?
	Miss Swan is at the candy store.
	This is back when you could be racist and funny.
	What did you lose?
	Candy.
	A little bit.
	Yeah.
	Here's a little sample.
	Okay.
	Who's Who's we?
	Oh.
	We understand that I know.
	I will make you a assortment.
	No, no, no, no.
	I want to pig, a pig, a pig, a pig.
	All right, fine.
	Fine.
	Okay.
	We have to do this one.
	No, they're not that similar, actually.
	She sounds exactly like my daughter when she was a baby.
	All babies are Chinese.
	When she used to call Cookie Monster Quina.
	And one time she's leaving my room and she left Cookie Monster on the bed and she goes, oh, Quina, and runs back and grabs him.
	You had to be there.
	So yeah, I want to recreate an episode of my 600-pound life, call it my 180-pound life, and steal the script, everything.
	There's no joke here.
	Just make it 100% exactly the same.
	Yeah.
	And there was one episode where she was so fat, she had to be hosed down.
	Oh, that's the party.
	Yeah.
	I'm just battling the flash player.
	And she had to go out back and get washed down with a hose the way you would wash a farm animal.
	And they had all these tarps on the back porch.
	Oh, Lord.
	So that'll be funny.
	And that's, you know what?
	That's a level of humor that is kind of, we're getting into performance art.
	That's what I really resent, by the way, about this October 12th thing where Proud Boys got in a fight after they were ambushed by Antifa.
	That night was performance art.
	It was comedy and art combined.
	It was kind of like old New York, like Joe Coleman when he would blow himself up with fireworks and eat the head off a mouse or a rat.
	It was good old New York fun.
	And The way they turned that into like a night of hate.
	Even the fake news, by the way, going on about that night, they're saying Proud Boys plead guilty to violence.
	Okay, here's the truth.
	And this shows you how fake the news is, especially when it involves anything remotely pro-Trump.
	There were 10 Proud Boys arrested for nothing.
	That night there was the fight, and Tifa told the cops to F you pig.
	In other words, there's no victim.
	So everyone went home.
	Then the DNC decided they could politicize this, and de Blasio, Cuomo, the attorney general, said, throw the book at them.
	So then they went back, rounded up 10 of them, and gave them a huge range of charges.
	The worst three being Doug, Max, and John are facing John's facing a year in prison for like weird charges like attempted assault and felony riot and weird shit like that.
	John's facing a year in prison.
	Max is facing six months in prison.
	Doug was facing three years probation.
	And Doug and John are married to black women with black kids.
	They're now unemployed because they're members of a white supremacist organization, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, which I'm suing it.
	So go to defendgavin.com.
	But out of the 10, some of the charges were pretty mundane.
	And there was two guys, Eric and Jake, who did take a plea deal to save a bunch of lawyers' fees because the pleas were five days community service.
	So would you like to continue paying a lawyer $500 an hour to defend yourself?
	Or will you just pick up garbage for two hours a day, five days in a row?
	I'm not even in a row.
	Oh, fine, I'll pick up fucking garbage.
	So those two guys were Eric and Jake.
	Jake isn't even a proud boy.
	He was a guy who was helping out this dude, Gavin Wax, at the Manhattan Republican Club.
	By the way, Gavin and Jake, earlier in the night, caught a mob of Antifa beating the living shit out of this citizen journalist and stealing his equipment.
	And they were arrested for that.
	Not Jake and Gavin, but the Antifa dudes.
	And that was like, they conflate that with the later fight and say, only Antifa were arrested at the fight.
	No, no, no, no.
	That was a mob attacking a journalist and they got caught.
	Then later on, Antifa circled the block, ambushed these Proud Boys who were on their way home, threw a bottle, a glass bottle, stop saying plastic, a glass bottle of piss at them, started punching them, started kicking them when they were down.
	Then the Proud Boys got up, this is all in the video, and beat the living Tar out of them.
	Now, some say that Max started the fight by charging them.
	No, after they threw the piss bottle, he ran at the first guy, grabbed him.
	For some reason, every time they show this footage, they zoom in on this, and it looks like he's punching him in the head.
	He's pulling his mask off.
	He put his arms around his neck and pulled his mask off, which I think is a cool thing to do.
	And also, isn't there sort of a...
	This isn't seeing five Antifa, or however many it was, stand in front of you right now on 42nd Street on the way back to the trains.
	This is after a week of threats, vandalism towards the building, screaming fascists, throwing piss at everyone who came in and out of the venue, beating up that citizen journalist, leaving notes that say this is only the beginning.
	We are not civil.
	So it's not your average ambush.
	And I know it's so hard for the left or anyone who's not part of this to squeeze it in their brain.
	And what I say to those people is, pretend they're gay.
	Pretend me, a big-time homosexual speaker, was doing a talk at the Manhattan Gay Club.
	And the woman who answers the phones was harassed.
	They called her Canta, said they're going to rape her and kill her for harboring a homo.
	And then the homo boys showed up to watch the talk.
	And after days and days of terror, these homophobes show up, throw a bottle of pea at the gays, start beating up, start pounding the gays.
	The gays finally stand up for themselves and beat the guys up.
	And they're all facing a, one of them is facing a year in prison?
	I mean, those gays, people would have t-shirts of those gays if that was the scenario.
	But no, they're conservatives in New York, so they must be Nazis and de Blasio and Cuomo.
	Go to Proud Boy magazine and look at the 10 times New York politicians have used Proud Boys to help their own careers.
	It's amazing.
	Cuomo asking other politicians if they're Proud Boys.
	Anyway, so Jake, non-Proud Boy, and Eric took a plea because it was a good deal.
	The rest just said, fuck no.
	I'm not spending a year in prison for defending myself.
	We have video footage of them starting the fight.
	The police press conference said they were starting the fight.
	Anyhow, I don't know where I got all into that.
	I wanted to clear that up.
	So that's one documentary, My 600 Pound Life.
	And then I saw Free Solo last night.
	It was on Nat Geo with no commercials.
	It's just the whole movie is about this guy who's really brave, and he can climb up mountains with no equipment.
	He's severely autistic.
	He has Asperger's.
	So he's not really brave, per se.
	He doesn't have feelings.
	So he doesn't have fear.
	And the other good thing about being autistic is you're very methodical.
	So he climbed the mountain a bunch of times with ropes.
	So he knew every single step and made sure he could do it and practiced and practiced and practiced and wrote diaries about certain steps.
	And then he did it free solo.
	Free solo climbing is when you just climb with absolutely nothing, but a little weird cup on your belt that has powder on it.
	Because I guess you got to make sure your hands are never greasy.
	Excuse me.
	I got a letter, by the way, about clearing my throat and how gross it is.
	So I box regularly.
	I suck shit at it.
	And when I spar, the guy I'm sparring with is usually a professional and he takes it super easy on me.
	I might get punched twice or three times in the head.
	Only one of those punches will sort of rattle my cage because he's very careful.
	I get to punch as hard as I want.
	By the way, you know who's a total badass fighter and is a really scary guy to spar with?
	I'll pay you a million dollars if you can guess.
	Scary guy to spar with.
	Looks like you, famous musician.
	Oh, I don't know.
	Steve Aoki.
	Close.
	James Iha.
	I don't know who that is.
	From the Smashing Pumpkins.
	Really?
	The Asian guy with the blonde hair.
	He boxes regularly.
	He doesn't even hit the heavy bag or skip rope.
	He goes right into the ring and starts fighting.
	He's a really good boxer with great cardio.
	He can last 12 rounds, no problem.
	He'll kick the shit out of you and your entire family.
	He's a really good guy, James Eha.
	And I like his solo stuff.
	You should check out his solo record.
	That's a fun little tidbit.
	Anyway, I thought it would be funny to do a documentary about me and my boxing career and film it exactly like free solo.
	So it has like my wife talking about how dangerous it is.
	Because half the movie is his friends saying they worry about him, they have nightmares about him, and they're worried he's not going to come home.
	Because there is maybe a one in billion chance I could get seriously hurt boxing.
	So we just show me working out and we just talk about the dangers of boxing.
	They show footage of boxers who have died over the years.
	There's probably been like five in the history of humanity and those guys were all in real fights.
	And the funny thing about that idea, that documentary, is it would piss people off because they'd think this fucking rich douche is just paying people to make his stupid boxing hobby look dangerous.
	I fucking hate this guy.
	I think a good joke, 20% of the people don't get it and think it's serious.
	Like I've met people who want to beat up Miles McInnes.
	I used to write for Vice as Christy Bradnox because I tried to get female writers and it was a chore.
	Sorry ladies, you're hard to find.
	I got Amy Kellner, very talented lady.
	Leslie Arfin, very talented writer.
	That was about it.
	So I just thought, I know how to get our numbers of chicks and minorities up.
	I'll just be them.
	So I was a black guy.
	I was a bunch of chicks.
	I was Christy Bradnox, which was a girl I had a crush on in fourth grade.
	And I told my friend Robbie Dylan that.
	And he goes, oh, fuck.
	I wanted to fuck her.
	It's like you still can, but he's not going to like it.
	So that's idea number two.
	And then my third idea I've also had for a long time now.
	It's sort of the same thing.
	And I can do a Jimi Hendrix imitation that's like a C-.
	So it's like for All Along the Watchtower.
	Sings
	No need to get excited.
	Out of here.
	Hey, hey, hey.
	So we do that, but we do it in a super serious tone like it's this incredible gift.
	60 Minutes will once in a while, every five years or so, they'll have some idiot savant and they'll have some kid who's autistic and he can't speak or look anyone in the eyes and he has to be spoon-fed his food, but he can play concerto music.
	And you can play him any music, any classical music.
	You just play it for him once and then he sits at the piano and recreates it verbatim perfectly.
	An average man with an unordinary gift.
	Yes.
	Now with Gavin McInnes.
	In New York City lives a mild-mannered media pundit named Gavin McInnes with an extraordinary gift.
	And we just talk about how incredible my gift is.
	I talk about how YouTube will demonetize it if I do it in a video because they think it's Jimi Hendrix.
	And I actually, I can't do it on 60 minutes or it might be problematic on 60 minutes because you'll get a copyright strike because they'll think Warner Brothers will think it's them.
	And then we could do, here's where it gets tricky.
	We'll go to the city and we'll have a recording of that and we'll tell people to listen to it and then say that's not Jimi Hendrix.
	Now here's a question to you, Ryan.
	Do we continue with the bit when we interview people on the street or do we let them be themselves and say that doesn't sound, that sounds like a guy making Jimi Hendrix sounds with his mouth?
	You know what?
	I think that's that you save that for the last.
	Like you build it all up.
	Like even his friends are like, yeah, I've known him for years.
	I didn't know he could do that.
	I mean, he never mentioned it or anything like that.
	And then one day he just started doing it.
	And we turned around.
	We said, turn the radio off.
	There's no radios on the construction site.
	Yeah, yeah.
	You can't break the joke down that early.
	That's weird.
	So at the end, maybe you have people being like, I don't, is this a guy?
	I think, no, you got to commit.
	It's like someone farting in a porno.
	It pulls you out of it.
	I think everyone on the street has to be blown away and they have to be, no, Mike, that has to be.
	That was Jimi Hendrix.
	No, it wasn't.
	It was someone doing it with their mouth.
	You're kidding.
	And then have like fake family members of mine saying, it's just a gift he's always had.
	I can't explain it.
	So those are my three ideas for documentaries I want to do about myself.
	Got to say, it does not sound funny to me right now after listing it like that.
	Well, if people have imagination, imagination.
	Imagine.
	They're going to see what it comes true.
	It's actually a pretty funny bit.
	What was that Soprano's joke about the guy from the guy from Prodigy died?
	So it says it's a picture of Paulie with his hand up.
	He's like, T, I'm just saying, he's not going to be starting no fires no more.
	Oh.
	Starting fires anytime soon, dude.
	Yeah.
	You ruined the joke.
	Shit.
	It's a meme.
	You know, this is, we haven't had anything to drink during this podcast.
	That might be the issue.
	It's been a while, too.
	Yeah.
	I don't have, I can't afford whiskey at the moment.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Like, physically.
	Can't afford to have not solid shits this whole time.
	Oh, you have the money.
	You just physically, you've been on a bender.
	Yeah.
	It's been, you know, beers and drinking and champagne and stuff.
	I got destroyed last night, but it's because my wife wanted to drink.
	And that happens about once every two and a half weeks.
	And the answer is yes at all times.
	It's like Jimmy wants to jam.
	Hey, hey, hey, man.
	Hey, Kevin, man.
	I want to play some guitar with you if you're interested.
	Oh, God, that was terrible.
	If I say no to drinking, then I'm going to be a bummer.
	I'm going to want to harsh your guitar.
	Not necessarily.
	Hey.
	Hey, hey, hey.
	All right.
	I wanted this to be the super funny episode.
	And I started out with a man pawn joke.
	And I discussed the times I've laughed hardest in my entire life.
	I came up with three hilarious documentaries.
	And everything I think has just fallen flat.
	There's been no humor here.
	I don't know why.
	Maybe it's because all those letters were so mean to you that they killed the vibe in the room.
	No, they killed your mojo.
	I just don't want to laugh anymore because I sound like a retard.
	Someone's going to hurt you.
	That's okay.
	Well, let's just jump to the scrotum then, shall we?
	Yeah.
	I got some scrotums, too.
	Okay, folks.
	Wait a minute.
	I've got stuff in my mailbag since we've been talking.
	Huh.
	Isn't that fun?
	That is fun.
	It's fresh.
	All right.
	Brand new, fresh off the presses mail bag.
	Hey, Gavin, I've been following you since my formative years.
	Probably why I'm malformed.
	Funny one, Jason.
	This is Jason.
	Here's some more proof that trans people are mentally ill gays.
	And it's an article from the Daily Mirror that says, married lesbian couple are now husband and wife after one became a man.
	Keep the podcast coming.
	That story is super old.
	This is a thing that people do that drives me nuts.
	They send you something from years ago.
	First of all, how did you come across that?
	I'm pretty sure I remember this story.
	Oh, it says five hours ago.
	I remember this couple.
	My girlfriend became my husband.
	This is what I don't get about the gays.
	Aren't you a lesbian because you're attracted to women?
	Yeah.
	Like, there's certain things I love about women.
	And if my wife left me, I would still end up with a woman because I like boobs and butts and chicks, cheekbones, and all the things that make them women.
	But remember that dude we used to have on the show?
	We'll have him back, the mechanic?
	I talked about him on an earlier podcast.
	So he's a chick.
	He has a vagina.
	And he's been taking hormones for so long, like since the 80s, that he just looks like your mechanic.
	In fact, you're shocked when you...
	He's a great guy, but he has a vagina.
	So we were talking about his sex life, and his boyfriend goes down on him.
	So I'm interested in the boyfriend.
	I get the lesbian.
	She's just like, I hate everything that's feminine about me.
	I want to be a dude.
	So I'm going to take these pills till I look like a little mechanic guy who's bald, a little hoser.
	But the dudu eats him out.
	So you're attracted to short, little ugly men, no offense.
	But you also like eating a sweet pussy once in a while.
	How many guys are you going to find if you guys break up?
	Like, what does your Tinder say?
	Looking for working-class mechanic type of guy with a sweet little trim pussy.
	Yeah, I don't, the only thing I like about a guy is everything but the penis.
	Yeah.
	You know, that's a really odd thing.
	I like putting my dick in my husband's vagina.
	Gays hate vaginas.
	How many people do you think there are like that in America?
	Not the ones that look like Justin Timberlake or whatever.
	What's his name there?
	The other guy, Justin Bieber.
	You know how all those lesbians who become men, they all look like Justin Bieber and they have like low-slung jeans and sideways baseball hats and you're like, you're a chick dressed up as a little boy.
	But how many of them look like, you know, someone's dad and just have a vagina?
	I'm going to wager.
	Oh, I know another one.
	One of the top guys who gets you handguns in New York City.
	It's where Anthony got his permit from.
	His name's John Something.
	He's the top go-to guy to get a handgun permit in Manhattan, which is next to impossible.
	And he has a vagina.
	Really?
	Yep.
	Wow.
	In fact, he got caught with a scandal charge recently taking bribes and giving presents to people.
	And he claims, no, I had to do that because of transphobia.
	I had to give people gifts so they wouldn't hate me for being trans.
	But he does not look remotely like a woman.
	He's another one of these been doing it for decades.
	So the thing I don't get about those kind of guys is who fucks them?
	And how do you, what do you do after you break up?
	Like, there's probably, I'm going to say 19 people in the world that look exactly like a dude, like your dad, and they have a vagina.
	I'm going to say 19.
	That's high.
	No, it's not.
	Out of 360 million, I'm saying, how are you going to ever find someone if you guys break up?
	Right.
	All right, so I'm sorry about crapping on that guy.
	It turns out it is a new story, but I believe I recognize this couple from a previous story.
	But anyway, you're very confusing, Gays.
	Very confusing.
	All right, we ready to go to the mailbag?
	Why don't you play your message while I find the appropriate letter?
	So this is a follow-up from last week.
	I played a message from a proper Londoner.
	Do you know what I mean?
	I'm like a proper Londoner.
	That accent, by the way, I'm told it's called the Roadman.
	The Roadman.
	So, not gonna say his name, but here he is with a rebuttal.
	Bro, how's Gavin gonna fucking roast me on the podcast and fucking make fun of my accent?
	Firstly, I live in the States.
	The States or estates?
	The Estates?
	Excuse me?
	Excuse me.
	Do you mean you live in the United States or you live in an estate, a housing estate in London?
	Yeah.
	Central London from Camden Town.
	North London.
	He's a proper Londoner from Camden Town.
	Camden Town's pretty fancy.
	Why are you doing an affected roadman accent, pretending to be working class, when you're clearly upper class?
	Well, I'm a proper pro boy.
	He's a good guy.
	He's just, he's on your team.
	He's team gadget.
	I know.
	He was just saying, you know.
	I know.
	Okay.
	What do you mean?
	He doesn't listen to your podcast hatefully, is what he wanted to clarify.
	I don't care.
	And I liked this point before.
	See, this goes back to a bigger thing.
	One thing I like about New York is the filth and the garbage and the rats.
	Like, why does everything have to be, we're on the same team?
	I'm against betrayal.
	I'm a very loyal dude.
	But as far as like, no, man, you can't mock my accent when I'm like on the same team as you, bruv.
	No.
	Half the time you hang out with your friends, you're just insulting them the whole time.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, that qualifies friendship, yeah.
	All right.
	This is from Dermot.
	The Spank Katsu Rivera.
	The Spink.
	Oh, Spick and Chink.
	Oh, Spink.
	That's a good one.
	But you're not a chink.
	You're a nip.
	Yeah.
	I call myself Chinese all the time, though.
	You're a Spip.
	Thank you.
	That doesn't really sound cool, does it?
	No, Spap.
	Spap?
	Spap sounds better.
	Japrecan.
	Japrecan sounds.
	Anyway, the Spank Katsu River.
	Actually, no, I like Spank.
	You know why?
	Shortened Spinks.
	Because racial epithets aren't accurate.
	Like in Britain, they call Indians Packies, even though Pakistan and India are at war.
	It's funnier that way.
	It's funnier that way.
	It's more authentic.
	I call myself Chinese all the time.
	It's way funnier.
	I call myself Chinese.
	Chinese.
	One time, my wife, she worked with this Chinese girl for years in PR.
	And then the girl found out that she was half Cambodian.
	No, no.
	No, no.
	Sorry, she thought she was Cambodian.
	And then she found out that she was genetically Chinese.
	There's lots of Chinese people all over Southeast Asia.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
	They tend to do pretty well, right?
	They took over Singapore and installed air conditioners and got rich.
	So she goes, holy shit, I thought I was Cambodian my whole life.
	I'm Chinese.
	And she was kind of freaked out about it.
	My wife goes, maybe that's why you like to go to Chinatown.
	So that spank Katsu Rivera should only speak as Jordan Peterson.
	That's a great theory.
	Let me unravel why that's a great theory.
	I have my two fingers on my temple.
	I'm always thinking with my furrowed brows like Magneto.
	I'm moving metal.
	Yeah, I think I've lost my impressions a little bit.
	No, that was great.
	Thank you.
	Yeah, that was good.
	I became him.
	He's got a real sort of English accent in his Canadian accent a little bit.
	Yeah.
	I guess there is a lot of British in the Canadian accent or Scottish with the aboot and everything.
	Someone was mad at me for defending Trudeau.
	He said, it's not about prostitutes, you dummy.
	What happened was a company called SNC, this is from Siemens.
	What happened was a company called SNC was caught in the biggest fraud case in Canadian history.
	Trudeau tried to get his attorney general to step in and force the prosecution to make a deal.
	The AG looked into it.
	The prosecution said they were not making a deal.
	Trudeau said the AG had to fix it because there was an election coming.
	The AG said she could not do that just to get him elected, so he fired her.
	Whatever.
	That's way juicier stuff with Trudeau.
	Like the fucking mosque shooting that Faith Goldie looked into.
	I believe, this is one of my more Alex Jonesy theories, that it was two people and one of them was Muslim.
	There was the white kid and a Muslim kid.
	And I remember when that, we're talking about the one in Quebec City, in Quebec.
	I remember when that news was breaking, they talked about two shooters.
	And I believe one of them had an East Asian sounding name, Southeast Asian, whatever, Indian, East Indian.
	And I believe Trudeau didn't like that narrative.
	He preferred the Dylan Roof narrative.
	So they just quietly erased the other shooter from the story and focused on the one white kid.
	And they called him a Nazi because he had liked some Nigel Farage link or something, which means nothing.
	It could mean you were saving the article so you could read it later.
	He also was kind of an environmentalist who was worried about the world's water supply and stuff.
	He's a fucking nut, clearly, if you're shooting up a place.
	But that's a juicy story.
	John Cardillo, Cardillo, he's a good one to look up on that because I think he agrees with me.
	All right.
	So that was some juicy gossip.
	This is from Philip.
	He's sorry that I didn't have the practice to learn and creatively utilize musical instruments like the guitar.
	This is how, this is the kind of people who are good at guitar.
	Super fastidious nerds.
	Like, who talks like that?
	I'm sorry that you didn't have the patience and discipline to learn and creatively utilize, creatively utilize.
	Have you ever kissed a girl?
	Musical instruments like the guitar in your youth.
	It sounds like you gave it a shot, but didn't take it seriously.
	Why are you writing me this?
	I got one letter.
	They go, hey, enjoy your podcast.
	Would you consider doing a podcast with Ben Shapiro?
	Yeah, sure.
	Why?
	What kind of question is that?
	And then, okay, thanks.
	Bye.
	Oh my God.
	This is brutal.
	I learned to play guitar and studied musical theory as well as a plethora of instruments as a teen.
	I always thought I'd, quote-unquote, make it.
	I've made some cash playing gigs all around the state of Maine, but nothing that set the world on fire.
	Your sidekick, Ryan Katsu Rivera is a damn good guitarist.
	Well, thank you.
	And probably a multi-instrumentalist like myself.
	Somewhat.
	Before my time is up on Planet Clown World, I want to get a beer with you fellas and pick a little guitar with a Japsu Rivera.
	God, yes.
	He sounds like Ignatius J. Riley from Confederacy of Dunces.
	And what's all this?
	That's almost as annoying as the, I want to fight you, the whole, I'd love to get a beer with you.
	Who the fuck?
	Yeah, for $5,000.
	Who do you think you are?
	Well, I'm going to have a Cuban cigar with a listener slash talented person.
	Oh, you're a moron.
	Why?
	It's a Cuban and he's cool.
	What a total and utter waste of time.
	He's planning on making some portraits of you and I. I will meet someone for tons of money or if there's some sort of business plan or a project we're going to get together with.
	But to just, I would like to meet you for a, yeah, I'd like to meet 10 million people for a beer.
	Every book I've ever read, I'd love to grab a beer with the author.
	You don't get that, millennials.
	You don't just get to get a beer with people you like or fight someone that made you mad.
	That's, you're not fucking king you.
	Well, you know what I realized?
	Having a cigar with a viewer or whatever, they're cool in their own right.
	Like, not everybody that's cool happens to be famous.
	You know, like Anthony Kumi, if he was never a radio guy, he'd still be as funny as he is.
	He just wouldn't, he wouldn't have a career that proves it.
	So, I could, you know, you meet people that aren't in the public eye, and that's they could be just as cool or cooler than both of us.
	Who knows?
	Oh, that was annoying.
	Just your fellow.
	Thanks for your non-information there, dude.
	You know, some celebrities are boring, and then some people who aren't famous aren't boring.
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	Thanks for the wake-up call, Ryan.
	I had no idea.
	All right, this is from Dean.
	I got a bunch of these boy are my arms tires jokes.
	Me too.
	That's right.
	They all suck.
	I have good ones.
	I just got back from shit canning a bunch of obsequious yes men.
	Boy, are those smarms fired.
	First of all, it has to be flew back, not I just got back.
	Secondly, smarmy is an adjective.
	You can't just make it a noun and say smarms.
	Who calls yes men smarms?
	That is a zero.
	That's an F. You're kicked out of my class.
	This is from Johan.
	He just flew back from D.C. And boy, are the Clintons liars.
	Okay, that's enough.
	I'm not a fan of that one.
	That one sucks.
	I hate when immigrants, especially Europe, they think that they're just part of the gang.
	And they always say I-N instead of I-N-G.
	Like, yeah, it was really fun.
	I went dancing with some friends of mine.
	And it was having a really fucking good time with the dancing.
	And I'm like, stop trying to sound cool, dude.
	Just be a weird European immigrant.
	Boy, these letters are pissing me off.
	All right, here's another stinker from Jim.
	I just got back.
	Stop saying just got back.
	It has to be flu.
	Remember, the original joke is that your arms are tired.
	I just got back from an old-timey school teacher's fashion show, and boy, are my marms attired.
	I would rather watch gay porn than read these.
	I got one that's good.
	From at House of Sharts.
	I just flew home from law school, and boy, are my arms esquires.
	That's not terrible.
	Next one, At Europe Sucks.
	I just flew back from pirating 50 Cents Entire Discography and boy are my Limes Wired.
	There we go.
	36 cents.
	Finally, finally a good one.
	And I can't explain why that's a good one.
	Yeah, it breaks the arms rhyming thing, but Limes Wire, it's hilarious.
	I love it.
	All right, this guy is Jeff.
	I'd like to say your name and where you're from, your full name and where you're from.
	So please mention if I can.
	Yeah.
	But so we were talking about how when you saw Jod Appetown, you chickened out of insulting him.
	Oh, yeah.
	Which is very disappointing.
	And how I was recommending that you don't try to be witty.
	Just say, like, fuck you.
	That's great.
	I like your sunglasses.
	I like your new sunglasses.
	Wait, I wasn't doing it perfectly.
	Let me really try him.
	Oh, yeah.
	He wasn't looking up at her.
	He was looking at the Hello Kitty.
	At the Hello Kitty thing, yeah.
	So he was just sort of yelling at.
	I think he cocked his neck a little bit to help the sound waves, but he was focused on Hello Kitty.
	And he's like, I like your new sunglasses.
	Yeah.
	I just got little mini douche chills.
	All right.
	This guy says that you should have said, look, it's Judd Half a Fag.
	Not bad.
	I know you don't like it, but I. I don't mind it.
	Yeah.
	It's not witty, but again, folks at home, when you're insulting someone on the street, you're not trying to be the Oscar gone wild of our generation.
	You just yell an insult.
	Fuck you.
	Give him the finger.
	Now, if you ever get to sit down with Judd Appetow, you can really take him apart piece by piece and explain why he sucks.
	Are you fucking sucking that vape pen?
	I have it in my mouth, but I didn't press the button.
	Well, you're verboten.
	I know.
	Okay, this guy's named Whitfield.
	I just flew back from the American Kennel Club, and boy, are my dogs briared.
	I guess that's a type of dog.
	I don't know.
	These are hurting my feelings.
	I have to take the word for it there, that that makes sense.
	Ryan Katsu Rivera just assisted my seppuku, and boy, are my tharms expired.
	Ah.
	What's seppuku?
	It's killing yourself with a sword.
	Harry Carry?
	Yeah, seppuku, harry-carry, there's another word for it.
	What's a tharm?
	I don't know.
	Part of a sword?
	Expired?
	Wow, that sucked.
	Tharms expired.
	I don't know.
	If it wasn't for that 50-cent one, I might be committing seppuku right now.
	Yeah.
	I just hoodwinked the sheriff of Nottingham, and boy is my tuck a friar.
	That's kind of so bad it's good.
	It's like a fun groan.
	I like it.
	If I hear fucking On Your Feet Soldier one more time, I'm whiteboarding a school.
	This one's really harsh about you.
	You want to hear it?
	Yes.
	Really?
	You can take it?
	I don't care.
	Yeah.
	People aren't jealous of Ryan.
	That's the subject heading.
	From Jeff.
	And it says, I'm sick of all my favorite podcasts and shows being ruined by a shitty co-host slash producer.
	Jim and Sam sucks because of Sam.
	Kumia sucks now because of Dave fuckdow.
	And now yours because you let middling comics talk half the time.
	I'm not a comic.
	That's your takeaway.
	Yeah.
	Here's kind of a weird one.
	Sam Roberts.
	By the way, you've got some good ones too.
	How could I want to be Sam Roberts for an entire show for you?
	I'll tell you what annoys me about Sam Roberts on the Jim and Sam show.
	Sam Roberts is such a Jim Norton fan, as we all are, but he talks about him like they're an old married couple.
	A little bit.
	And he's like, oh, yeah, Jim will, you know, he'll wake up like one minute before it's time to go and just, you know, run out the door.
	Oh, yeah, he does do that.
	Like he mentions things that make Jim Norton unique, and you're just like, just be a co-host.
	You're not his fucking agent.
	I think he's invented a really specific type of straight man that's pretty, he nailed, like he could, So I like him for that.
	Yeah, I shouldn't talk about a show.
	I don't think I've ever heard it.
	I listen to it almost every Primetime Sam Roberts.
	Yeah, it's something that Jim will do.
	It's not as good.
	I'm not as practiced, but I know Sam Roberts.
	Sam Roberts is probably an awesome guy, but I just have this, like, I am a bigot in many senses.
	It's never race or religion, but it's people who like wrestling.
	He knows their names, and I guess he knows it's not real, but it's so weird that you go to a stadium, and when Macho Man Savage or whatever, like, slams a table on the Undertaker or whatever they do, and then you cheer.
	Why?
	It's sports entertainment is a thing.
	And so-called Steve Austin was one of my favorite wrestlers.
	And now he's actually into sneakers, too, which is a really fun, cultural thing to get into.
	I like Air Jordans, for instance.
	They're some of the nicest shoes out there.
	I have a huge collection of them.
	And it goes back to the...
	People say he over explains a lot too, so it's kinda what I'm trying to do.
	He like, he wraps up the whole, He catches you up.
	All right.
	I don't want to shit on Jim Norton and Sam Roberts.
	What a total.
	That's like my lowest priority on earth.
	They rule.
	Although does Jim really still fuck trannies?
	That's not a thing you can do for a long time.
	I understand, especially if you're a drug addict, which he's not.
	I understand going through a tranny phase, but like I fucked trannies for 20 years.
	It's like an old, really fat person.
	I just can't picture it.
	It's like always riding a bike with training wheels.
	It's like you're going to have to just take them off and ride them.
	Yeah, it's like an old wigger.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Like a 75-year-old guy going, yo, yo, what's up, man?
	Shit's burning out here, yo.
	Ooh, I'm going to line up a whole thing for you of cringy Asians talking black.
	That's my thing.
	Is finding Asians that are sneaker guys and they go, yeah, this is really whack.
	This new sneaker is super dope.
	It's pretty much like number one hottest shoe on and it's like totally like sitting on shelf.
	Like people like sleeping on it.
	I'm like, what's up with that?
	That's whack.
	I'm like, dude, I want to drop you off in the hood and just watch you get torn apart so bad.
	Because they can't even speak English yet and they're speaking worse English instead.
	They're settling with Ubonics.
	I wouldn't dare use the word wigger for Corey Booker and Kamala Harris, but I feel the same way about them.
	When Corey Booker is like, yeah, I was talking to my man T-Bone about this.
	Or Kamala Harris is like, yeah, back in college, I'd be like listening to Tupe and Snoop Dog.
	Or another person like Melissa Harris Perry.
	She grew up in an all-white family in Ohio.
	She was adopted.
	Or Colin Kaepernick, too.
	All those guys, they grew up, you know, they didn't have chitlins and grits for breakfast.
	They never played dice once.
	And Jesse Williams, who made that huge BET speech, he has blue eyes and like the lightest skin I've ever seen.
	I thought he was white.
	But more importantly, how did you grow up?
	Like Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, they never saw their black dad.
	Drake would visit his black dad sometimes in the summer, but his whole like, y'all, his accent is fake.
	He's a Canadian white Jewish guy.
	Holy shit, that's right.
	I keep forgetting that.
	He tricks me because he likes Sprite so much.
	Well, he says, he says it was every summer, all summer in Memphis, but I don't believe him.
	Every summer I visited my dad and I was like, dad, what's up?
	It's me, Drake.
	I'm in a wheelchair.
	It's me, Drake.
	I'm from Etobicoke, Ontario.
	That's the latest.
	All right, this one's a weird one.
	By the way, we got a lot of letters saying, stop reading these letters.
	The mailbag is a flop.
	Let it go.
	It's not a new part of your show.
	I don't know.
	I'm kind of enjoying it.
	I like it.
	It's going better than my three stupid documentary ideas.
	Which, by the way, the magic of film, as Bob Odenkirk said, give me the raw footage for Casablanca and I'll make you a piece of shit.
	So I could make, like, it's all going to be in the nuance of how I make these.
	It's like a dream.
	You have to trust it.
	Sounds like shit.
	It's probably cool.
	I'm the least excited about the boxing one.
	It's brand new.
	You haven't figured out the twist in it, the angle.
	Right.
	And you know what?
	If it comes across, say, 70% of the people who see it think that I'm just some dumb rich asshole who made a documentary about his boxing career and I suck at it, then that's kind of cool, too.
	See, this is where comedy and art sort of bleed into each other.
	Like, that's my favorite kind of comedians, like Sam Hyde, where you can't really tell what the joke is or not.
	Like, Sam Hyde once did a comedy set where he took a black person's entire routine and just repeated it, and it sounded brutally racist.
	Good amain.
	About black people being late all the time and stuff.
	And it was all just verbatim.
	I thought of a fun idea.
	White, white, like a crack of dew.
	You do stand-up comedy and you take from the cringe Reddit, you take one of those complete failure comedy nights and you play, you do it, right?
	And of course you bomb.
	And then later on the night, you play a video of what you were doing.
	Play a video of what you were doing.
	Oh, the one that you stole.
	Like the bombing.
	Oh, oh, I see.
	So they see that you weren't actually sucking.
	You were making fun of someone who bombed.
	But you don't let them see that for like three hours.
	Ah.
	That's pretty cool.
	That is pretty cool.
	I'm on some real like heavy art shit these days, yo.
	My mind is like coming up with this like crazy.
	I'm 48, but I'm like reaching this.
	Maybe it's because I work out.
	You in your prime, bro.
	I'm getting like all this crazy art shit going through my cerebellum, yo.
	You see, what happens is when you're using your body, you know what I'm saying?
	You owe.
	But when you use your body, your brain's compensations.
	Your brain's in your body.
	By the way, I went to a fight on Friday night.
	Yeah.
	And this black guy from the South Bronx that I've seen a few times fight, he keeps doing this thing where he just comes out like someone slapped his mother in the face for the first two rounds, like a complete fucking psycho, which is very dangerous, right?
	You're blowing all your chips.
	And so the guy he's fighting just sits there blocking, blocking, blocking.
	By the third round, he was dead to the world.
	It was weekend at Bernie's, and I just watched him get annihilated.
	And I know his coach, and I was saying to his coach later, I said, what was going on there?
	He blew all his chips, right?
	I mean, you're either a boxer or a fighter.
	If you're going to be a fighter, then you better have amazing cardio.
	And the coach goes, off the record, it's his fucking diet.
	I try to take him out, give him steaks, give him protein.
	You know what he had for dinner last night?
	Rice Krispie Squares.
	Come on.
	For dinner.
	Come on.
	This is the African-American experience in the South Bronx.
	No dad ever.
	And a mom who was just not paying attention.
	So he tries to give him steak.
	I'll pay for it.
	I'll take you to a steakhouse.
	Nah, man.
	And then I'll have a bag of cookies for dinner.
	Dude, I hate that so much.
	And he doesn't want the steak.
	That's the crazy part.
	It's not like I can't afford it.
	And he says, I'm sorry, coach.
	It's what I'm used to.
	People that drink soda, like my grandfather, he's still very Puerto Rican.
	And one of the things that he can't let go is just drinking soda instead of water.
	It's like that's their drink.
	Well, it's working for him at least.
	Like with my guy, it's not working for him.
	He's getting the shit beaten out of him.
	Your grandfather made it to a ripe old age.
	And is he the Vietnam vet?
	Yep.
	Yeah.
	He's made of stone.
	So he survived the most traumatic experience in recent American history.
	And I'm judging his preferences and drink.
	Yeah.
	And he was, yeah, and he stopped drinking alcohol, cold turkey.
	Got to drop that cold.
	He's telling him how to live as a low priority.
	But also that idea with the stand-up comedy where we take my set that was so awful, the on-your-feet soldier.
	Oh, no, that was separate.
	The stand-up cringe comedy I did, and you rewrite it, and we see if I could actually do a good stand-up from that.
	That's a fun idea.
	Oh, yeah, that is a fun idea.
	I'm happy to do that.
	So funny.
	You know what another guy told me at the gym?
	There's this scam that is usually done to young Puerto Rican couples where they invite you to a seminar and they say, just listen to this seminar.
	And at the end, you get a free vacation.
	And the audience will be like one white couple, one black couple, and maybe nine Puerto Rican couples in their early 20s, about to start their lives.
	And it's a three-hour ceremony, ceremony.
	It's a three-hour seminar about pots and pans and how they're dangerous.
	And iron will give you cancer.
	And this Teflon and this no stick is corrosive and dangerous.
	And here's this scientific study.
	But we have this pot, pan, and knife collection for a mere $3,000.
	And so the guy that I know that went there, he goes, I don't want this.
	$3,000?
	A pan's like $10.
	He's really mad at his wife for dragging her there, dragging him there.
	And then the guy starts fucking with him and goes, oh, what's the matter?
	You can't afford it?
	Meanwhile, every other couple is signing up.
	Yep, we're in.
	Here's my credit card.
	Wow.
	Getting these.
	It's like snake oil salesmen.
	It's like an old 18th century hustle that these Puerto Ricans are getting fucked over.
	Dude, cut coat and like the knives and the Kirby vacuums.
	This was all things that I've...
	And the other thing, the other last one I ever went to, I was like 16 or so.
	Wait, you've been to one of these?
	Oh, yeah.
	No, I was probably like 18 or 19.
	No Scottish person would ever, ever fall for anything like that.
	Well, the thing is, they say you don't buy anything.
	You just get your other friends to sell things for you.
	Oh, right.
	That was an episode of King of Queens.
	It's like the license to sell the water filter.
	It is so depressing.
	And you leave there and you're like, I am susceptible to it.
	It's just legal crime.
	It's a legal, he's a legal thief.
	And they brainwash you because people try to convince you out of it.
	And you're like, no, no, no, dude.
	It's trust me.
	Trust me.
	It's very good.
	You should have seen the abuse he got when he said, I'm not buying this.
	He said, you can't afford it.
	And they said, are your parents together?
	How long have you been married for?
	Your parents are split up, right?
	Basically saying, and trying to get the guy so mad that he'll go, you know what?
	Give me that fucking step.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, well, I'm getting those splits.
	To break you.
	Yeah.
	It's a cult.
	It's like cult-minded shit.
	I've seen people that just got into it.
	Meanwhile, you already figured it out.
	You're like, it's a scam.
	And they're like, no, no, no, no, it's not a scam, though, because the numbers show that statistically, and you're like, oh my God, Scientologist.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	It's creepy.
	All right.
	This is a weird letter.
	When you're talking about Disneyland, it reminded me of my Mexican friend.
	This guy's named, we'll just call him H. Years before she was married, she and her husband, boyfriend at the time, would watch Disney movies and anything rated G to not have any thoughts of sex.
	I didn't know that.
	I thought Mexicans were all fucking like crazy.
	I don't even remember if PG movies were allowed.
	This non-sexual, traditional Mexican courting went on for years, but I think that based on me knowing Mexican men and having been married to one before, think that my friend's boyfriend may have been finding other women, blah, blah, blah.
	So anyway, this is such a weird letter to send me.
	Yeah.
	Why?
	I don't give a fuck.
	I'm kind of interested.
	So anyway, they get married and then they go on a Disney cruise for the honeymoon.
	So not only is this letter from a stranger, she's telling me about other strangers that I'll never meet and don't know.
	I thought it was so wrong.
	I mean, what a way to kill innocents.
	They were fucking in a Disney cruise bedroom with kids probably hearing this in other rooms.
	Some things should stay sacred, even though Disney has a history of some crushable shit.
	You try to keep that away from the kids.
	Heather, Heather, you are painfully wrong.
	A, I've been on a Disney Cruise.
	They suck, by the way, don't go.
	But it's super loud.
	The only way I could fall asleep at night was to pretend I'm a billionaire and I'm sleeping on my private jet as we go to Singapore on the overnight.
	It's as loud as that.
	Secondly, there's nothing wrong with sex between two married people.
	Like the most right-wing evangelical, God himself, everyone is two thumbs way up.
	In fact, you can get up to all kinds of rude business too.
	I don't care if you're 69ing if you're married.
	I don't think a priest, I don't think a priest has a problem with 69s.
	Do they?
	I don't think so.
	I'll ask.
	So what the fuck's the matter with this?
	They managed to save themselves from marriage.
	That's kind of cool.
	You can laugh at it all you want.
	But can you imagine that first night?
	Holy shit.
	I would pop a hole in her head when I came.
	She'd look like a whale coming up for air.
	She'd be dead.
	A porpoise.
	Yes.
	All right.
	So, Heather, waste of a letter and terrible point.
	Let's get some more.
	We're almost done here, folks.
	We're running out of time.
	Stupid arms, jokes.
	I just got back from an interview at the Whoopie Cushion Factory.
	Stop saying you just got back.
	You just flew back.
	To be fair, they didn't have a chance to correct themselves.
	I just got back from an interview with the Whoopee Cushion Factory, and boy, are my farts hired.
	I don't like it.
	I hate that.
	Why would a whoopee cushion player hire you to fart?
	We know what farts sound like.
	We're almost done with this whoopee cushion factory.
	We will need a professional farter to come in and just toot once in a while to remind us what farts sound like because we don't know.
	The gold standard.
	Yeah.
	It's sort of like that perfect meter they have in Paris.
	You go and bring your meters to stick to it.
	You go, Yep, it's about right.
	Keep up the good work, Gavin.
	You're right.
	Robots are bullshit.
	Fucking.
	By the way, speaking of how much I hate robots, and when I say robots, I mean a lot of things.
	I hate those vacuums that go around your house and take 10 hours to do a one-minute sweeping job.
	A Roomba.
	I hate Roombas.
	I hate dishwashers.
	They take two hours to wash about 12 minutes worth of dishes.
	And then, and this isn't that closely related, I fucking hate this talk about robots and how they're going to be taking over.
	And then they'll show you some stupid humanoid thing on the news where it answered a fake question that was pre-written.
	And they'll have those stupid mechanics that move its face.
	The same technology we had at Disneyland in the Hall of Presidents when I was there in the 70s.
	So no, we're not all going to have our personal robots.
	And why is that on every news thing?
	Whenever I do Red Eye, there was always a robot segment at the end.
	And how spooky it is that these robots can now pick up a phone.
	Fuck you.
	They can't pick up a phone.
	They're useless.
	Machines suck.
	Okay, fridges are cool.
	How long have we had fridges for?
	Well over half a century.
	I'm not impressed.
	Well, there's a, they're completing touring tests now.
	One of them made a scheduled an appointment for a nail salon or a hair salon.
	Whoa.
	And it tricked.
	That's the Terminator.
	And it tricked the person into thinking, like, it sounds like a real person.
	It's creepy.
	Yeah, that's not, no, that's AI and fucking, uh, It's not a robot.
	But it sounds real.
	Oh, okay.
	Yeah.
	But if you match that AI with the robot that does a backflip, now it's talking to you and scheduling shit and doing flips.
	Yeah, and we'll talk when that happens.
	And that's going to be in about 200 years.
	We'll all be dead.
	So stop saying it's imminent on every goddamn news show.
	I don't say that.
	I know, not you.
	Oh.
	You're not on every goddamn news show, by the way.
	That's true.
	A very interesting video someone sent me.
	I'll do that on another show by this guy, Derek Jensen, a professor, and it's called Queer Theory, Pedophilia, Jeopardy, W slash, meaning with, Derek Jensen.
	Look up that on your own time.
	But it's, you know what?
	It's an amazing.
	It's this professor talking about how the anarchist movement and the queer theory movement seems to be linked to pedophilia.
	And what I find amazing about this video is he's in a class, a modern classroom, with people yelling at him and freaking out, all these social justice nuts.
	And he manages to plow through the heckling and sort of charm them by turning it into a game of jeopardy.
	That's really impressive.
	That is impressive.
	I didn't know that was even possible.
	Okay, here's a real stinker.
	I just flew back from Brian Stettler's house, and boy are my arms toe faces.
	Jesus.
	What?
	Is that supposed to be a so bad it's a good one?
	No, like that person should never make a joke.
	Ben, Ben, if you're out there, you're a great person, I'm sure.
	You should learn a trade if you're not especially intelligent.
	Never, ever make a joke ever again.
	Just accept it.
	You can be around humor.
	You can be around funny people.
	Like Chloe Seveny is like this.
	I've hung out with her a few times.
	She loves humor and she gets jokes.
	She's not remotely funny.
	So she just doesn't make jokes and she laughs and enjoys other people's jokes.
	That's you, Ben.
	You and Chloe should never get married because there'll be no laughs in that house.
	Okay, here we go.
	Ryan's getting some shout-outs.
	Oh, shit.
	I think Ryan's totally fine.
	Sometimes his commentary is shitty and retarded, but his impressions are amazing.
	And you can tell he's a genuinely nice guy.
	It gets better.
	I think you're too hard on him when he fucks up, which makes him overly self-conscious about the things he says.
	When he gets self-conscious, he gets nervous.
	And when he gets nervous, he flubs his delivery and becomes autistic.
	Also, his laugh is fine.
	Oh.
	It's good to have someone else laughing on the podcast.
	Thanks for the great content.
	Everyone, go to defendgavin.com.
	Now, you want to hear something amazing?
	That's the same Ben as the guy who did the terrible toe face joke.
	Oh.
	Which did you even get?
	Brian Stettler looks like a thumb or a toe.
	Oh, okay, okay, okay.
	Well, no, I didn't get it.
	Greg Gutfeld once described Brian Stettler as a turgid tattletale, which is one of the best insults.
	Second to torpid sloth.
	That one's not such a great insult because torpid means slow.
	So of course a sloth is slow.
	But calling something that's slow slow means it's a slow version of something that is a great job.
	I like it.
	I am awesome.
	Dear Mr. McGinnis, put there to make me mad, and it worked.
	This German mindset you've experienced at Disney is the reason why Merkel is still in charge.
	Our leaders can't be wrong, he has that in quotes.
	And if someone proves me to be wrong, even showing evidence right before my eyes, so much the worse for reality, end of quotes.
	It reminds me of an old saying in Nazi Germany when rumors of the arrest of Jews in the neighborhood were discussed at dinner.
	When das der Führer wust.
	In other words, if only Hitler knew about that.
	Or more accurately, if so, he would not have allowed that.
	So he's claiming that the Germans have such reverence for their leaders that even during Hitler's crusades and his massacre of the Jews, they were in complete denial.
	And the same way they're in denial of Merkel now.
	I like the theory.
	Ah, normal water is cold, but for you, I'm making a mistake.
	That's a fun and interesting fact about the Japrikin folks at home.
	For some stupid reason, he has been diligently learning German on his own time.
	He sits, this must be the Japanese half.
	He sits at his little desk in his bedroom going, Unstund man waften, staffen.
	No, no stuffen staff, in staffen.
	Of all the languages, you chose the ugliest one.
	Einsteidre, für fundf, sex, sieben, acht nein ten.
	Well, nine and ten aren't that hard to learn.
	Oh, no, no.
	But why aren't you learning French or some like that could get you pussy?
	Well, I was thinking about, well, I don't need pussy, but I was thinking about Japan, Japanese, and I was like, That's too hard.
	Yes, so I was like, I heard German was linked very closely to English, like the way they formed their sentences.
	You got it from German, yes.
	Yeah, a lot of the words are just you don't even have to try.
	It's very fun, I like it.
	It's very fun, you're very weird.
	I just got back again with the got backs.
	By the way, folks, I think we're done with these, so please do not send any more flying jokes.
	Out of all 50 we've read today, the only funny one was the 50-cent one and that other one that was so bad it was good.
	I just got back from yearning after Mountain Lakes, and boy, are my tarns desired.
	What are tarns?
	I don't know, but I'm sad, and I can't explain why.
	I'm in charge of the casting for the sound of music.
	Now he's not even getting back from anywhere.
	Now he just has a job.
	I am in charge of the casting for the sound of music, and boy, are my nuns hired.
	Fuck you.
	You're fired.
	Dude, that one started off so bad.
	I'm in charge?
	I have a good one.
	Did you just write one in your head?
	Yeah, I just flew back from a...
	I'm gonna stop myself.
	I just flew back from an ADT home security seminar, and boy, are my alarms wired.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I mean, that's technically correct.
	That's like what a robot would write.
	There's no fun in it, though.
	It's got to be some humanity in it, some fun.
	Yeah, that was like mathematically correct.
	Yeah, that's right.
	That's like what the computers came up with after two days.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I just left the Middle East and boy are my alarms wired, we got from Chris.
	Oh, so that's the same punchline with coincidentally, but different.
	All right, this is our last letter, then we're going to wrap it up.
	This was the comedy special episode that had funny things, but wasn't actually a funny episode.
	I bet we could do something on children dying of leukemia next podcast, and it would actually be funnier.
	Gavin, you said something interesting regarding the term wigger that really confused me.
	You seem to use it to describe a black person who acts white.
	No, sir.
	I may have used it in the past to describe a rich black person who grew up all white trying to act ghetto tough for some credibility like Corey Booker and Kamala Harris.
	In Ohio, I'd always heard that term described.
	White person who acts, yes, of course, dumbass.
	It was a popular term at my nearly 100% white high school that was surrounded by corn on three sides because half the class dressed like wiggers.
	Can wigger be used both ways?
	Oh, God.
	Look it up.
	I used it in a creative, silly way to be amusing, and you're not amusing me.
	That's the end of the show.
	Did I already?
	Did you already win?
	Oh, did I already tell you this one?
	Fly flush, flop, flak, flum Flexus, and Floy are my flames.
	Flameswired?
	You already told me that shitty joke.
	So we're moving forward with the SPLC case.
	I implore everyone to go to defendgavin.com and just throw five bucks in the mix.
	Let's just keep it alive.
	Keep it moving.
	We're 58% of the way there.
	And that's great.
	I'm very happy with that.
	It's the most successful fundraiser I've ever done.
	I mean, for the Proud Boys case, I think we raised 15 grand.
	Even that rebel trip to Israel, we barely raised enough to pay for it.
	But $148 is great.
	It has to get up to $250.
	I'm going up against a company that is worth, I believe, a billion.
	They list $432 million on their site, but they have been caught with secret accounts in the Cayman Islands.
	Now, surely you're not going to keep $100,000 in the Cayman Islands when you are proud about having $432 million.
	So I would wager the money in the Cayman Islands is about the same or more.
	So let's say it's five.
	So we're upwards of a billion dollars I am fighting.
	And I'm fighting them because they are starting to deplatform everyone.
	And they're getting embedded in big tech.
	They've got this new thing called change the terms, which they use my face, by the way, to define.
	And it's a funny picture because it's after I had read Ann Coulter's speech at Berkeley because she was banned.
	So it's, and we were on our way to get beers with friends.
	And I'm saying Uhuru in the picture, which is a joke.
	So it's just a great example of how ignorant they are and how anti-fun they are and how anti-free speech they are.
	But they're getting embedded in big tech where they're going to decide who gets kicked off social media.
	That, by the way, ends up defining the whole national conversation.
	So they want to define what we talk about and who gets elected and why.
	And on top of that, they're getting involved in banking.
	And you're getting people like Warvet Joe Biggs, who was just booted off a chase because the SPLC has decided or as someone linked to the SPLC has decided that what he does is wrong because he loves Trump and he's conservative.
	I mean, it's not just about banning conservatives.
	Soon it's going to be about banning lesbians who are anti-trans.
	You know, a lot of lesbians don't like the idea of young lesbians cutting their tits off because they think they're men.
	They see that as anti-lesbian.
	And they're going to be the next to go.
	So don't sleep on this case.
	Also, do not go to nohate.com, my brother Miles' website.
	That's a terrible place to go.
	And I've got a lot of things brewing.
	I'll keep you posted on them here.
	We're going to get a mail service set up.
	We're talking about some sponsors for this podcast, too, which I guess means I'll do it more often.
	And there's no sense in me telling you to go check out this podcast because you're listening to it right now.

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