Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - Get Off My Lawn Podcast #113 | Let's list all the people who are a noob

Feb. 15, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:30:43

Get Off My Lawn Podcast #113 | Let's list all the people who are a noob

We're in Texas, yeeehaw! Drinking beer, talking about buttholes, treasured memories, and noobs. The audio is weird since we're using Lav mics. There's video of this one, go to my YouTube channel for that.

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	Uh let me list all the people who are a noob.
	Duncan, uh Duncan, there's Duncan, um Duncan, uh oh Duncan?
	That's one that's my youngest son's first high quality joke.
	That's really impressive.
	I'll tell you what, if I had made that joke, I would go, this is not only a great joke, but I'm going to use this in other contexts.
	Like, let me list all the people I know who are always wrong.
	Ryan, oh, there's Ryan Katsu Rivera.
	There's Ryan, there's Ryan Rivera, Ryan, Ryan.
	Merman.
	Merman.
	Oh, I'm glad you brought up your new nickname.
	Our new nickname for Ryan is Merman because he doesn't know anything.
	He's like Daryl Hanna in Splash.
	And we were.
	Oh, that's why it came.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I feel like we're getting into the Uber and we're in an abandoned street.
	And I'm sitting on the back seat, and he gets in on my side, like, I'm going to scooch over.
	And I'm like, no, you go over on that side.
	Now, if it's Fifth Avenue and cars are whipping down the highway, then yeah, I'll scooch over because I don't want you to die when you go to the other side.
	But we're in rural Austin.
	I hadn't seen a car go past that street besides the Uber.
	And that same night, we're staying at my friend Stockbauer's house.
	You go, oh, it's kind of warm in here because you're a New Yorker.
	You're not used to the high temperatures.
	So you open up the front door of the home.
	I did do that, yeah.
	Until our host nicknamed us, what was it?
	Gullibles Travels.
	Gullibles Travels.
	Yeah.
	Somehow we fucked up making coffee and he comes up to us.
	He's like, cleaning our mess up.
	He's like, y'all don't leave the house much, do you?
	It was the most southern way to be able to.
	We made a large pot of decaf to wake up for.
	Was that decaf?
	Yeah.
	I didn't read the label.
	Wow.
	What the fuck is decaf?
	I don't know.
	Can I have some non-alcoholic makers mark, please?
	I just love the teacher.
	O'Dools.
	It's an out-not.
	I get Oduels.
	O'Dools is you're dying of withdrawal symptoms.
	You want a beer so fucking badly, it's going to kill you.
	It's sort of like say you were one of those gays who became Christian and can't be gay.
	And I could imagine you probably want to suck off like a dildo or something.
	brush dildo yeah yeah like you there's probably a blow-up doll like a guy blow-up doll and you're just like Actually, I don't understand that analogy, but whatever.
	A better analogy would be, I would understand if you and I moved to planet homosexual and everyone was gay and we had to like, we would just be, I guess, celibate.
	Does it have like rings like Saturn, but it's like a big old cockring?
	It's probably a super fun planet.
	Yeah.
	Except when it comes time to the fact that you're horny.
	Right.
	And you've like said no to 300 dudes that day.
	And you come home and, you know, you hang up your little hat on the hook and you're like lonely again.
	But I could imagine like buying a pussy online that looks like a cantaloupe and it's like latex and you're just like I could see doing that and that's what decaf is.
	While we're on the tangent of planet gay, is it planet gay?
	It's planet gay.
	Everyone on the planet is incredibly gay.
	And to be a straight person isn't just like unusual.
	There's zero straight people.
	You get like deported.
	It's just never even thought of.
	Yeah.
	Why would you go there?
	It would be like on Earth, say you only fucked fridges.
	Yeah.
	Like people will go, okay, don't do that.
	You're going to get jizz on our food.
	My theory that every toilet in Planet Gay is perfectly clean, but there's a line of shit before each toilet that they just have to keep mopping up.
	So like the floor is actually like the wood starting to like.
	You know, what you just said is homophobic and it implies that the gay anus takes a beating, but it does take a beating.
	Yeah.
	It takes a beating.
	We've done no anal things and we complain about our assholes a lot.
	My anus is in the West Village.
	I feel like, you know, like Falong Gong?
	It's like a Chinese cult.
	It's like a yoga thing.
	And they're seen as lesser people by the Chinese government.
	So they consistently harvest this group's organs.
	Now, I'm not into cults, but I don't think even if you're in a cult, you should have your organs stolen from you in the dead of night.
	I have a feeling that, because I had a Falun Gong guy on my show a couple times.
	I have a feeling that word got out that I'm Falun Gong.
	And in the middle of the night, someone took my anus, brought it to the West Village.
	It was given to the hottest slut in the land.
	He had several fortnights of fun, and then he felt guilty or maybe he died, VAIDS or something.
	And then they brought it back.
	I don't know what they put in its place when they stole it.
	Yakuz, yeah.
	My anus, I've never had gay sex.
	I may have had a woman's finger up there like once or twice.
	It's never a thing for me.
	My anus is so destroyed that I have to have like a major shower and a bidet after every shit or it itches.
	And I'm at the point now where when I see old gays, I sort of go.
	Because we're peers.
	Like non-bets, yeah, yeah.
	I don't know.
	I guess, you know, some people are born with inefficiencies, like the guy in the 36 mafia who has the baby arm.
	I have a gay asshole.
	Yeah, me too.
	It's useless.
	Mine used to be so great, but It's not shitty, it's just, I think it, like, sweats something because you'll wipe it, and you gotta sniff to be like, am I shitting myself?
	And it's not stinky, but it's still wet.
	Like, why wet?
	I'll wipe it and wipe it, and it's brown, brown, brown, and then it starts going red because it's blood.
	And I go, I guess I stop now.
	Well, here's the thing.
	Here's a wiping technique that I've learned.
	You take it and you actually wipe front to back because we don't have vagina, so we don't have to worry about it.
	There's like in that crevice there, there's, that's your problem right there.
	Maybe.
	Look, I have a bidet.
	Go to biffy.com and purchase one of these.
	Enter promo code Gavin.
	Enter promo code Gavin.
	It's our free sponsor that has no interest in being associated with people.
	What else do they have going for them?
	They clean assholes.
	No.
	Now they're just getting promoted.
	I cannot get asshole cleaners to sponsor me.
	I actually just lost a sponsor.
	These guys, their whole shit is like, we're legit patriots and we sell soap and fucking shampoo and it's flavored like beer and we hate political correctness.
	But Gavin is way too far.
	Sorry.
	Like, yeah.
	Duke Hazard or something like that?
	Yeah, so Biffy will blast your ass to shreds.
	And if you can get Zen on it, it goes up into your rectum, it cleans all that out, and you get lettuce from like three days ago coming out.
	That's the only way I can have a normal day.
	What the fuck is that?
	So we got here from Planet Gay because we're bad at making coffee?
	Planet Gay, fun planet.
	You know what would be funny about Planet Gay?
	If we lived on Planet Gay and we were like, hi, I'm Ryan.
	I'm Gavin.
	We're straights.
	we want to fuck women in the pussy.
	Well, yeah, because lesbians are gay.
	Yeah, but women must be on this planet.
	They must get horny.
	Yeah, they're there for chicks.
	Probably a good place to be.
	I mean, here's the thing.
	Right, right.
	And I've heard when straight guys go there, like, their dicks go, come, I please get a vacation.
	I'm exhausted.
	Wow.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	FIT, if you're straight at FIT, it's like being gay in the West Village.
	Like, you just get so laid, you go.
	From chicks.
	Oh, yeah.
	Wow.
	Because you're the only straight guy in the entire school.
	I feel like...
	I'll send my sons there.
	This is what I feel like with...
	They're doing all the gay stuff, and I think, I would think that just like straight people, they're...
	They're adventurous.
	And they probably would fetishize straight sex.
	Oh, shit.
	And it would become planned.
	It might become the Beatles.
	It would just become normal again.
	We're not normal, but...
	Well, that would happen, but I feel like also the lesbians would want to sleep with you because they've been so bored.
	They've had like, you know, dildo-shaped, like, elephant dicks and all this stuff.
	And at the end of the day, it's just like a fleshy version of a dildo.
	No, I don't know why, but I know that we would have to keep it on the DL.
	That we're straight.
	That we're straight.
	Why would we be there?
	It would probably take light years to get there.
	It started as an analogy and then we ended up going And now we're here.
	Yeah, it's got its own.
	You want a heavy hypothetical?
	Yeah.
	You want a hypothetical that's going to rock your world?
	What if I was to turn off this camera right now and rape you?
	Here's a hypothetical.
	It's a Rubik's Cube, right?
	You could either...
	I'm sentencing you for a fight or whatever you did.
	You can either take this Rubik's Cube and you're free to go when you're done or spend a year in Rikers.
	You're in Rikers either way, but you have the Rubik's Cube with you in Rikers.
	Whoa.
	So, but here's the deal.
	If I say, if you take the Rubik's option, you cannot leave until it's perfectly done.
	Sure, sure.
	What do you choose?
	Well, here's the thing.
	I remember the Rubik's Cube comes with a little pamphlet that tells you.
	No, no, no, no.
	No, no, I know.
	And I know you can't do that, but what I'm saying is I remember how complex it was.
	It's an algorithm.
	And so I remember, even if you're in a situation where it's like corners, whatever.
	So there's a way that it kind of teaches you the practice of not the exact answer.
	But dude, I'm not sure.
	But I'm saying a short story.
	No, here's the thing.
	Just tell me the answer.
	I remember how difficult it was, even with directions, to do it.
	This is a picture.
	So millennials, they want to answer too much.
	Just tell me the number.
	A year in Rikers, Riemann.
	It's dangerous.
	You know what?
	I don't want to risk it.
	So a year in Rikers, I guess.
	I think I might do the same.
	Yeah.
	I said to my wife, and she's like, I'll do the Rubik's Cube.
	No, you won't.
	And I go, how do you know you can do it?
	She goes, I'll figure it out.
	And I go, I started thinking, it's possible that the Rubik's Cube takes X amount of IQ.
	Like, I had this crazy professor when I was in college, and I kind of loved him and hated him.
	His name was Marvin Glass.
	He was the head of the Canadian Communist Party.
	And he is the guy, the first guy ever heard say it's okay to have an abortion up until a year after the baby is born.
	Wow.
	Because an 11-month-year-old child is less human.
	Whatever you can call that for a child, a monkey can do more shit.
	The life of a monkey is still valuable, no?
	Right, but it's still not human.
	So we're saying no life beyond human is...
	Look, the problem with that whole argument is it assumes that academia can define the ethics of life, but we all know in reality, you can't go up to an 11-month-old with a hammer and bash its brains in.
	I don't care how many witty analogies you thought of with a fucking chimpanzee.
	But anyway, that was Marvin Glass.
	And he also said cool stuff besides murdering children.
	And one of them was what I was just about to get at, which is something very interesting, which I did not forget, by the way.
	A lot of people accuse me of forgetting what I'm talking about.
	And I resent that.
	No, no, your train of thought is always correct.
	Always correct.
	That's why I can throw you off so easily.
	Always remember what I was talking about.
	That was a suspiciously long sip of beer.
	No, I'm having a break because, you know, we've been talking a lot.
	Get a hoarse voice.
	Comedians have water on stage with them.
	And it's perfectly Normal to have a little break.
	Yeah.
	And have it was just weird because, if I may, I don't want to cut you off because I knew you're probably.
	Don't cut me off.
	I'm about to explain.
	But just quick: right before you pause, you said that I don't know, suspicious, but you were like, I never forget my point.
	Never do.
	Never have.
	So you could take your time getting there.
	Yes, that's how confident I am.
	Right, right.
	Because I know what I'm doing.
	It's like you could take the shot, but instead of you're like dribbling and like dribbling around.
	I actually, I'm going to be totally honest, I feel sorry for people who forget what they're talking about.
	Does dribbling have anything to do with what you're about to say?
	How far off of a tangent was it from?
	Well, I was talking about Mervyn Glass.
	Not Mervin Glass per se.
	I was talking about communism and professors.
	Hypotheticals.
	Hypotheticals.
	And then you also said that.
	And gays, living on a gay planet.
	Yeah, and then also killing the kids.
	But he also said some cool stuff.
	Yes, he did.
	Right.
	Which we'll get to, you know, whenever.
	Which we should.
	Literally whenever.
	Because I think we had a good break.
	Now it's time to get back to the crux of what we were talking about, which is Planet Gay.
	We're living on Planet Gay.
	We talked about that already.
	We want to keep it under our hats.
	That we're straight, yeah.
	NYU.
	No, FIT.
	FIT.
	There's probably that.
	Yeah, and you'd be the only straight guy there at FIT.
	So naturally, the next thing that you would go to after that would be the next thing, which is...
	You know, how far was that reference?
	So let's say here's the reference that we tangented off of.
	And then, so the source is how far?
	Like, you know, this far or is it this far?
	All right, fuck it.
	I give up.
	I just forget what else to do.
	Wait, can I bring up the, or did you completely forget?
	Because I totally forgot.
	So when you started the podcast, the reason why I think your son's joke is so funny is because the context of it.
	So now you said you were just waiting for me.
	Oh, I didn't explain the context of that either?
	Yeah.
	Jesus, this is a terrible podcast.
	All right.
	So I'm going to explain the context of that, and then I want to get back to the gay planet because I think that's an interesting thing.
	And the problem with a lot of analogies and sort of hypothetical scenarios is people don't take it all into account, and that links to abortion.
	And I'm going to get into all of that.
	Oh, okay.
	Okay, so here.
	So, A, I have two sons and a girl.
	And my two sons have this thing where they call each other a noob.
	Yes.
	It's the worst insult you can have.
	And Duncan will say Johnny is a noob.
	And Johnny will say Duncan is a noob.
	And the worst kind of noob you can be is a peasant noob.
	Shit, that's fucking rough.
	Yeah, that's harsh.
	That is rough.
	A noob is a noobie.
	It's a video game thing.
	You're not good at this video game.
	You're a noob.
	Okay.
	And for a while, I said, stop calling each other noobs.
	You're bugging me.
	And then I tried to make it fun.
	I said, if you call Johnny a noob, I'm going to tickle you.
	If you call Duncan a noob, I'm going to tickle you.
	That's fun.
	And then they would call each other a noob and then run away.
	And I was like, I was running around the house tickling guys.
	And it was like I worked at Ticklecove.
	Like a union.
	It's a punishment for you.
	Because they just say Johnny is a noob.
	And then they get to run around the house and I'm running and I got to tickle them.
	And when you tickle a kid, if they're over five, like they get some good kicks in and stuff.
	Yeah, they'll fuck you up.
	It's tiring.
	So then I just said.
	But people do it to challenge you, so they say it more.
	Yeah.
	Because they know the punishment is just getting tickled.
	And then they catch it.
	And then I'm the guy who's punished because I got to run around tickling people.
	Like, and I'll hear it down the hall, like, Johnny's a noob.
	And then I got to go find the guy and tickle him.
	It's a pain in the ass.
	It makes me want to be the kid in that situation.
	I worked all day.
	Like, I work hard.
	I'm dealing with all these lawsuits, SBLC.
	I'm trying to start all these new projects.
	I finally come home and I remember when I was a kid and every generation before, the father would come home, plop into his chair.
	His dog would bring him his slippers.
	He'd have his pipe and he'd read the newspaper.
	I gotta fucking chase noobs around, tickling the shit out of them.
	Noob enforcer.
	Yeah.
	Until like eight or nine when everyone goes to sleep.
	And then I was like, I'd like to like fuck the shit out of my wife.
	Like in an elaborate scenario with lingerie.
	You know what's sexy where she's like in the door for me?
	She's like, you're a noob.
	And then she like, she runs away a little bit cutely.
	Yeah.
	I think like, look, we did all this work.
	It's time for rewards.
	And I want like basically way beyond porn.
	Like I want an elaborate cirque de Soleil sexual room with like fucking strawberries.
	Yeah.
	But she's beat too.
	So she wants to read her book and she watches these shows about British architecture where they're like, he has completely revamped the front.
	And what I think I find amazing about this structure is it speaks to you.
	And when you approach it, it was a pig's cabin 400 years ago and you've made it solar and you've brought it back.
	And what you've done is you've retained the pigs.
	So we have a pig motif, but we also have green energy.
	And what's happening here is we are subsuming the history of the pig and bringing it to the man.
	I'm like, I don't want to watch that.
	I want to be a pig with you.
	I want to get in the trunk.
	It's not the driest, most non-sexual stuff I've ever heard.
	Yeah, it's not exactly.
	That's like far from playing a game.
	It's actually kind of like the host is pretty witty and interesting, but I just want to get wasted with her and fucking party like we did before we had kids.
	But anyway, so she watches that upstairs and I go watch Tucker.
	Holy shit, did I forget what I was talking about again?
	No.
	No, you didn't.
	No, I did not.
	No, sir.
	No, you certainly did.
	I turned into Denzel Washington.
	No, you did not.
	Get what y'all were talking about.
	So you're chasing the kids around and you're like, So Duncan says to Johnny, and he's much older than Johnny, and I got to say, if you're going to have kids, do two years, two years, two years, two years.
	We did two years, two years, four years.
	And the problem with that is the littlest kid is kind of an alien.
	Not to me, obviously.
	I love him to death.
	He could take a shit right now on this table and I'd think it was funny.
	But with his siblings.
	So, like, Duncan and Sophie understand each other and they could watch the same movie.
	But Johnny, he's only six and they're 10 and 12.
	And it's sort of like they have a pet sibling, yeah.
	And when we're at dinner and we're all talking, I can tell, I think one of the reasons he's such a nightmare at dinner is because he doesn't know what the fuck we're talking about, and it frustrates him.
	He's third Mike.
	He's third Mike.
	Yeah.
	Now there's chiming in whenever he's got space.
	There's like one game you can play, Uno, that a six-year-old can play that a 12-year-old also has to play, but the 12-year-old is bored shitless.
	Yeah.
	Uno, you just like, if there's a green card, you match it with a green card.
	Sure.
	Yeah, that's interesting, yeah.
	Because you can play bass by colors if you don't understand numbers and shit.
	Numbers?
	Pretty simple.
	You can match the number too, but yeah, it's just, it's for little kids and the older kids will play it, but it's hard.
	I wish we had gotten a little closer together.
	It's funny when your wife tells you she's pregnant, you sh are shitting your pants.
	Because it's real.
	It's happening.
	And like, this is fucking major.
	And she's scared.
	She's like, oh my God, here we go.
	And you have to be daddy.
	And you have to be this stoic, like, brave heart guy who goes, this is fantastic.
	I am.
	Oh, my angel.
	Stop shaking.
	You have to be daddy.
	Why are you shaking?
	Yeah.
	You silly fool.
	It's going to be a real.
	Oh, my God.
	And you hold her and you're like, what a gift from God.
	What the fuck?
	Wow.
	Holy shit.
	Here we go.
	Here we fucking go, boys.
	And it's exactly like plane turbulence when your wife's freaking out on a Sansa jet that's going and she's like, and you're like, it's a bus in the sky, okay?
	You need to calm down again.
	These are potholes.
	Does a pothole when you're moving a bus make you die?
	I wish I was naive as you.
	It's adorable.
	Meanwhile, your pants are just full of diarrhea.
	We're going to die.
	And then the plane lands and she goes, oh my god, we're alive.
	And you go, see, I told you.
	I have to go buy underwear.
	For literally no reason.
	Just for fun.
	I mean, obviously, I don't have enough underwear.
	It doesn't match my whole shit.
	So anyway, I haven't explained the joke.
	Wait, but about the age difference, I think you could have a four-year difference if it's an older kid, though, right?
	Because then you have this older kid that could impart knowledge on the younger ones.
	But having a four-year difference.
	What was millennials?
	I'm asking you a question.
	I'm not supposed to be a kid.
	I know, but obviously to get to that, there has to be a little kid at some point.
	Unless you're adopting.
	Yeah, that's true.
	There's a four-year difference no matter what.
	So anyway, so their joke is you're a noob, you're a peasant noob, Duncan is a noob, Johnny's a noob.
	It's getting a little tedious, but whatever.
	So Duncan was teasing Johnny.
	Duncan's an idiot savant with baseball.
	Because obviously I'm a genius, so my son's going to be a genius.
	And thankfully he's directed it to something meaningful, like sports.
	It sounds like I'm being sarcastic, but The beauty of baseball is it's infinite math.
	And there's these level of nerd fans who don't even like teams.
	Like they just follow players and stats.
	And in a way, that's more logical.
	True.
	Because these guys are nomadic millionaires.
	So they're just like, Jay Boost has gone over here.
	He's got a 3.34 average and he's got this RBI.
	You appreciate the game more.
	Yeah.
	You're not restricted to a little click.
	It's almost like the matrix.
	It's just like data for them.
	They see them as computer farmers.
	I've seen those guys.
	And I think baseball, and I'm a novice, obviously, but I think baseball could really benefit from that.
	Like, why do we have scouts who go around looking at these guys and saying, oh, he's got an ugly girlfriend.
	He's a reliable guy.
	Let's choose him.
	No, a computer could be working all of this out.
	Ryan is holding up a shirt that says baseball is life.
	For the audio.
	He doesn't even like baseball.
	It's all right.
	I'm barely getting.
	I'm new to.
	I'm like a fucking 48-year-old teenager.
	I'm learning about boxing, baseball, and this thing called rock and roll, where there's these bands called the Rolling Stones.
	Have you ever heard of them?
	They're pretty cool.
	And Bruce Springsteen.
	Punk kind of stunted my growth.
	But anyway, so he, you know, Duncan's relaxed because he's an old man.
	He's 10 and he's talking to a six-year-old.
	And he says, okay, John, why don't you name some teams?
	Name some baseball teams.
	And Johnny's vulnerable now and he goes, there's Yankees, Red Sox, Blue Jays.
	And then he goes, the Robins.
	And then people laugh because there's no such team as the Robins.
	And Johnny is such a fucking alpha that he sort of cocks his head up and he sees the whole family laughing at him.
	And he's in his little fucking baby seat in the back seat.
	No, it's booster seat.
	He's got a booster now.
	Johnny?
	Yeah.
	Oh, okay.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And he goes, hmm.
	Let me see how many noobs I can name.
	There's Duncan, Duncan, there's Duncan.
	Like, that's a fucking quality joke.
	You know what's even funny?
	Like, that's a Chappelle joke.
	I guarantee he's not watching Chappelle.
	Remember, Best Five Rappers of All Time?
	You remember that one?
	No.
	Yeah, it's like a Chappelle-level joke that people quote.
	What were the best five rappers of all time?
	Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	So it's a little bit of Dave Chappelle.
	People quote it at my old job.
	My girlfriend quotes it.
	Other friends quote it.
	And by the way, so, and like you were saying before, that's a joke that you want to say again, but the context is so perfect.
	That's what the comic genius is.
	All right.
	Now, so we got, that's the intro to the podcast.
	We finally repeated again.
	We finally repeated the podcast.
	And I know it's annoying to hear a dad talk about how brilliant his son is.
	It's like people talking about their dogs or whatever.
	Okay, so the reason I brought up abortion is we were talking about Planet Gay.
	And when you come up with scenarios, you have to keep the whole context involved.
	For example, with abortion, people say, oh, you know, you talk to some chick and she goes, oh, I got knocked off by some black dude when I was 18.
	I had an abortion.
	Should I have kept the baby?
	He'd be like fucking almost my age now.
	And I wouldn't have had an education or a career.
	I never would have met you, blah, blah, blah.
	When they say that, they're taking their world, which allows for abortion, and then having this one case where it was illegal.
	No, in the world where abortion is illegal, you don't have these kind of pregnancies because that girl she remembers when her sister had to go away for a year to camp when she was pregnant to deal with that.
	And she remembers her cousin, who's 17, who's been paying child support his whole life.
	He's 23 now for a kid he never saw.
	So in this pro-life universe, guys don't jizz in you as much.
	You adapt.
	Everybody adapts.
	Because there's stakes.
	But the world you and I grew up in, it was just like, go ahead, jizz.
	She'll have like five abortions.
	I mean, most women, everyone I know has had an abortion.
	But many have had like five.
	And it's just like, nah, I'm someone fucked up.
	And I talk to guys and I go, what happened with that?
	You got her pregnant?
	Did the condom break?
	He's like, no, I just came in there.
	And I go, what?
	What did you think was going to happen?
	Was it a surprise?
	He goes, yeah, kind of.
	But we've been jerking off since we were, before we could come, right?
	I remember jerking off when I was 11.
	My dick would just go beat red.
	And I go, I should probably stop now.
	I'm going to break it.
	Like, there's no jizz to come out.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	So I remember getting that first dewdrop.
	My friend actually did a pedophile.
	That's a t-shirt.
	I remember getting the first dewdrop, and it's just a little tear at the end of the rock with a little kid's dick.
	I remember.
	And you're like, I'm not a pedophile.
	I'm talking about my own dick.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Oh, oh, it's okay.
	Oh, yeah.
	So, you know what's funny though?
	Is my friend told me about it?
	It's like, yeah, stuff's going to come out one day.
	I was like, bullshit.
	And it is.
	It's like a glue gun.
	You just leave off and it's like, I remember telling my friend Dale Aiken that I masturbated and nothing happened.
	Obviously, I was too young.
	And he goes, you fucking masturbate.
	That's disgusting.
	And I go, dude, I'm kidding.
	Oh, my God.
	Are you crazy?
	You don't get any jokes.
	God.
	I remember my friend.
	Gross.
	Oh, yeah, I masturbated.
	Yeah, I really tried it.
	For some reason, I was talking to my friend about jerking off, and he was like, oh, I don't do that.
	My friend Jordan, and he was such a cookie cutter clean kid.
	He would cry because the Vikings lost.
	Because he's like, my dad lives in Minnesota, and I know he'd be upset.
	I was like, no, he'd be upset that his son's fucking crying like a fag.
	But he was like, no, I don't jerk off.
	I was like, you're weird, dude.
	I didn't back up on it.
	And by the way, double down.
	By the way, conservative guide flies who scour our podcast for any kind of political incorrectness.
	When he says fag, he clearly doesn't mean homosexual.
	No.
	He means fag.
	Yeah.
	I would never offend somebody because of any reason.
	I think one of the problems with us is we live in a multicultural city, New York, and we talk to Orthodox Jews about secular Jews.
	We talk to gays about fags.
	We talk to blacks about blacks.
	We talk to Harlem blacks about Brooklyn blacks.
	And you end up hearing all these derogatory terms or patterns about groups.
	And the next thing you know, white people who don't hang out with these groups, like Harlem blacks make fun of Brooklyn blacks all the time and they go, they don't know how to hustle.
	They're lazy.
	And they wear different pants.
	Like Brooklyn blacks were wearing baggy pants way after skinny jeans got popular in Harlem.
	Harlem, exactly.
	And when a Brooklyn black would get off the train in Harlem to visit his dad or something, the Harlem kids were making fun of the Brooklyn kid for having like baggy jeans.
	And the Harlem kids going to Brooklyn, that's a completely different story.
	Completely different story.
	It sounds like a different culture.
	It's as different as like Orthodox Jews and secular Jews.
	And you know what they're doing?
	They're actually through us because we're parroting different cultures, they're shaming those cultures via us.
	They're shooting the messenger.
	Meanwhile, we got the message.
	That's part of that.
	That's interesting.
	You know what's another thing, too?
	Spanish, they say pendejo, maricón.
	They call them culeros, which means you're a fag.
	That's fag in Mexican.
	Right.
	And when they say word policing there.
	When they say maricón, it's not like when you and I say fag.
	When you and I say fag or gay, like that's so gay, we're kind of making fun of the way we spoke in grade school.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And I would argue that I don't want to defend that fucking Northern dude because he had that stupid ad with a truck with Dixie flags chasing down migrants.
	And then he got caught with Blackface.
	But I would argue that that yearbook picture where one of them is a Klansman, one of them is in Blackface, no one's brought this up.
	Isn't that a parody of racism?
	Isn't it a parody?
	Couldn't be mocking the whole concept?
	You're making fun of the taboo.
	It's sort of like when I say things are gay, I'm making fun of calling something gay.
	It's not like you're trying to be sinister.
	Sure.
	Clearly.
	Right.
	Well, you're being ignorant.
	You're ignoring.
	You're ignoring the death and destruction.
	Yeah.
	You're going to punish my ignorance from saying for being dumb.
	Like, dressing up as a Nazi for Halloween used to be acceptable.
	I think it's funny to dress up as a Nazi for Halloween.
	And the thing is, Nazis don't like that.
	Like, when Prince Harry dressed up as a Nazi.
	He's doing valor.
	It's not like Nazi went, Nazis went, finally, Prince Harry has arrived.
	Welcome to the dark side, Harry.
	And that's the funny thing about Count Dankula, where he trained his pug to Z Kyle, and he had to pay an 800-pound fine, which he refused to pay.
	He appealed that he's going to go to the Supreme Court of Scotland.
	But his point Was, do you think that Nazis would be happy about this fucking pug?
	Like, Nazis wouldn't go, welcome aboard, pug.
	Finally, a tiny fucking plate-faced dog agrees with us about the Holocaust.
	I mean, I would have preferred a human, but beggars can't be choosers and we'll take pugs for now.
	I'll tell you what, when we get enough pugs, you fucking Jews, all you Comeranians, we'll start with the Jew dogs.
	And then eventually, we'll have thousands of pugs, like rats.
	They came in the streets at night, entering synagogues, just devouring.
	I mean, obviously, to eat one pug will probably take like four months to eat a person.
	But eventually, it'll happen.
	But you know, that whole thing of like Klansman, black dude, it's almost like, you know, like a cat and a dog falling in love or something.
	Like, that joke of like two opposites unifying.
	Could be a unity thing, too, instead of like a, look, I'm a Klansman, I'm a black guy.
	I think it's really, it really is like, we're getting along.
	Isn't that funny?
	With two things that shouldn't get along.
	Get along.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	It's just, it's Halloween.
	Yeah.
	It's, yeah.
	It's silly.
	From Halloween.
	Literally a zombie.
	Remember when we were trying to scare the kids?
	And you came out and go, and I think I was a werewolf.
	Yeah.
	Remember at the beginning?
	We did an episode of this.
	We should probably release that on YouTube.
	That was fun.
	But we realized we weren't scaring the kids and you brought up a great point.
	You go, they know we're human.
	Yeah.
	Like they don't go, oh, a werewolf entered the McInnes household.
	And so was the zombies.
	They've been saving the zombie until October 1st.
	What a coincidence.
	Right.
	And they also have candy.
	What a coincidence.
	The first night I've ever seen a werewolf and a zombie together is actually on Halloween where people dress up as zombies and werewolves.
	We need to jump scare them.
	We should get the fuck out of here.
	So what we realized was they know there's a scare coming.
	So I took off my werewolf mask and I would do this thing where I'd go, hello.
	Hi.
	Oh my God, I'm so happy to see you.
	That was good because that got them freaked out.
	And distracted and locked into you.
	Like, what is this fucker going to do?
	Where's it coming?
	Where's it coming?
	And my house is getting known as the Halloween house.
	Oh, cool.
	Yeah, because it's been a couple years now of heavy shit.
	Heavy shit.
	The coffin thing?
	I spend $1,500 every year.
	And you're a race.
	And people aren't used to seeing Asians in makeup.
	Yeah.
	It's like, that is interesting.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I'm not used to it.
	You don't often see an Asian with just all white on his face.
	I thought I was used to the way it looked.
	I didn't know you had a big nose till that night.
	Oh, yeah, because all of a sudden, you've got this fucking giant schnauz and these red little slits for us.
	Somebody said, I like his bell pepper nose and the cut of his jib in one of the comments.
	I like this Ryan guy, his bell pepper nose and cut his jib.
	And we're living in a very white neighborhood.
	So when a zombie comes out, they'll go, well, at the very least, it's going to be one of this old man's basketball coach friends.
	And he'll be a fat white guy.
	And then they see this weird slit eyes with your big fat Puerto Rican nose.
	And that adds another thing to them.
	And then you screamed your head out.
	It's pretty much monstrous.
	You know what I mean?
	It really is.
	Multiculturalism is monstrous.
	Yeah.
	You know, people come down on diversity.
	It is handy on Halloween.
	It's not just restaurants.
	It's handy on Halloween.
	Really, it's like it's a departure from the humanoid that you're used to already.
	And then you put makeup on it.
	It's really crazy.
	I remember doing mushrooms and I looked at myself in the mirror and I was like, what the fuck?
	I felt not Asian.
	And then you look at Sarah, you say you're an Asian.
	Sometimes I feel bad about putting this in my book, Death of Cool, because I hope it didn't hurt the guy's feelings.
	But I grew up with this guy with a severe hair lip.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I read that chapter.
	For like the first week, maybe you notice it, and then you don't notice it anymore.
	And he's just the dude.
	But we did really severe mushrooms, and all of a sudden I could see it again.
	Right, right, right.
	And then I started thinking, like, what does it feel like to be disfigured?
	And he did the weirdest thing.
	We were lying on our backs, and we were looking up at the sky, and we had a matching hallucination, which I still don't understand to this day.
	And it was octagons that were rotating like cogs in a wheel, but somehow they all managed to match at the same time, which is impossible.
	You can't have a sea of hexagons or octagons rotating and matching because the other ones would get in the way.
	Cogs in a wheel makes sense because they go like that, right?
	The fingers go within the fingers.
	But if this octagon goes like that, it's going to jam up the other.
	They'd have to push up.
	Yeah.
	They'd have to expand.
	They can't work together.
	But they did in this hallucination.
	Wow.
	And I go, I'm seeing a bunch of octagon.
	He could have been lying, too, I just realized.
	Why, because you said yours first?
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	Or maybe I gave him the hallucination.
	But dude, I'm telling you, I did ayahuasca, and one of the most memorable things of it was you're not allowed to talk to each other.
	Because if you say, look at that dragon, and somebody doesn't see it, that's kind of a bum affair.
	You're just not allowed to talk to each other.
	Well, that dude at News Wars today was talking about how much he loved sweat lodges, which is the worst experience I've ever had.
	And he said, we were doing peyote in a sweat lodge with Indians.
	Oh, wow.
	And we saw these green things zooming around the room.
	And we were having the same hallucination at the same time.
	How do you explain that?
	Dude.
	I got the chills.
	Don't get the fucking chills.
	I did.
	I did.
	Here's what happened.
	De-chill yourself.
	I can't.
	The first guy saw that.
	He said it out loud.
	The other guys were so fucking high that they folded time back and they thought, I saw it too.
	No, no.
	I promise you this.
	Oh, my God.
	I promise you this.
	So we're doing ayahuasca.
	We're not allowed to talk to each other.
	And we share experiences in the morning.
	And one of the things that somebody else said that I jumped up at, I was very quiet because I was just kind of, I felt like an outsider anyway, so I just wasn't chiming in much.
	You are?
	Yeah, I am.
	Can you get me a beer?
	Yeah, there's a beer there.
	Dude, and so somebody was like, I remember the cloud.
	I looked up in the sky.
	It was a cloudless night, and then you looked up upstairs up in the sky.
	Remember the hexagons thing that you said?
	It was either like snake scales, like scales from a reptile, or like a hexagon.
	And it was perfect patterns with perfect lines in between, and it was clouds.
	And all of a sudden, the whole sky was filled with those clouds.
	And I remember that specifically, and I took it in, and then the person said that, and I was like, the reason why I looked up is because the wind started blowing really hard out of nowhere.
	There was no wind.
	And I was like, that was right after the wind started blowing, right?
	They were like, yeah, we had a shared experience.
	Yeah, I think there's a scientific explanation for that.
	I don't think that's a good idea.
	I think there's more than that.
	No, there's a way that your eyes interpret color and shapes.
	We can't make it.
	When you do this drug all together, it fucks with that interpretation.
	Like, you know, the way flies see 86 images and they manage to amalgamate them.
	Or even us, with our eyes, we see two things with our right eyeball and our left eyeball, and it manages to amalgamate them into one thing using depth perception.
	That drug sort of puts a little fucking computer virus into that process.
	I hear what you're saying.
	And it distorts what you see in the same way.
	That happens too.
	For example, everyone on mushrooms sees the walls breathing.
	I think as you inhale and exhale, right, your perspective changes and your eyes counteract for that.
	And they're like, I'm going to ignore the inhaling, exhaling, and I'm going to make that wall flat.
	When you do drugs, your body goes, fuck it, man, the wall's going out.
	It like decorcts all the things.
	Oh, okay.
	Yeah, but you can't make up clouds out of the sky.
	I'm saying that you're absolutely right with that, but also this happened, for sure.
	No.
	Oh, yeah.
	Breathing walls, hexagons, fucking green lights, that's all explicable.
	If there was a fucking giant elf who said, hello, Larry, well, now I'm going to have some trouble explaining that.
	But you know that you saw it.
	The hexagons?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I think he did too.
	what if he said at first would that There's two things going on here.
	One theory is that one guy says it first, and the other person just sees it.
	The other theory is that you and I are seeing hexagons right now.
	And our brains are like ignoring the fucking hexagons, right?
	Like on my Land Rover, there's these thin, thin lines that are used to heat the windshield.
	And they confused me my first few drives with it, and now I can't even see them if I try to see them.
	Oh, I see.
	So if somebody brought it up, you'd be like, I did see that.
	Because your brain did store it.
	Yes.
	But you're not.
	Oh, okay, I see what you're saying.
	Okay, so this is when it got crazy.
	So we're looking up at clouds, and this is my book.
	And I go, that cloud looks like a weird fucking dude on a chariot.
	Do you see that?
	Because we'd both seen the hexagons.
	And he goes, I see God.
	You know those pin art things where you push your hand in one side and the hand comes out the other side?
	And that's your face.
	And God gives you your face.
	And I was like, oh my God, he's getting close to the fucking cleft palette.
	I see Garfield totally partying, smoking a dew.
	And let's get the conversation going that way.
	And he goes, and that's who you are forever.
	Take it or leave it.
	That's God's decision.
	And I'm like, yeah, I totally see a guy at a skateboard saying, fuck you, dude, and doing an Ollie over a giant pile of dog shit.
	And he goes, do you know what I mean?
	And then when you're high, do you know what I mean?
	It's like saying, I killed your mother.
	You're like, you can't stop partying.
	Let's get serious.
	And I go, yeah, yeah, I guess so.
	And then he gets up.
	We're lying on our backs.
	Are you a liar?
	We're lying on our backs on the grass.
	And then he leans up on his shoulder and he sits up and he stares right at me.
	And he goes, no, seriously.
	Do you understand what I mean?
	I should have said like...
	I said, yeah, I know what you mean.
	Anyway, and then we, and he goes, I really hope you know what I mean.
	And he lies back on.
	He goes, because I'm going to ask you tomorrow about this.
	I was like, please.
	Yeah, tomorrow will be great.
	Tomorrow's fine.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	We used to get so fucking high in high school.
	We would do like piles of...
	You didn't smoke joints.
	You didn't smoke marijuana cigarettes.
	You would do hash.
	I don't know why.
	Maybe it's because it's British culture.
	So the way you do hash is you get a big bottle, like a three-liter bottle.
	You put a rock in it, and then you bash it against your foot until you make a hole in the base of the bottle.
	Then you break your hash up into boogers, and then with a cigarette that's inverted, so instead of holding the cigarette from your knuckles outwards, you're holding it from your knuckles inwards.
	You scoop up the hash booger, and then you put it in the hole.
	Like if a Canadian's hearing this, they're just going, yeah, it's called a bottle tote, dude.
	But Americans, they sound like I'm going to the moon.
	So you scoop up the booger with the hot part of the cigarette.
	So it catches onto it?
	Catches onto it, picks it up, then you put it in the bottle, you hold it, and all of a sudden the smoke gets super white.
	And you know you're cooking the hash.
	And then when you see you're done, you can tell because you start seeing cigarette smoke, I guess.
	You throw the cigarette away, someone takes it from you, and now you have a broken bottle full of hash smoke.
	And then you go, and oh my God, I was known as the raunch king.
	I just couldn't fucking handle it.
	I'd be coughing and coughing.
	I'd puke sometimes.
	And then you're just as high as the Straits of Gibraltar.
	So that's one thing we would do.
	We'd also do shrooms, and we'd have shroom parties where all the guys would get together.
	And we were called the monks because we were half mods and half punks.
	I kind of think this is the origin of the Proud Boys in a way.
	And we would do tons and tons of shrooms at my buddy Steve's house on Halloween.
	So you're hanging out with a bunch of high school guys getting high as shit.
	And oh, wait a minute.
	I got to go back.
	The problem with hash and marijuana when you're young is it takes like 10 times to get a buzz.
	So we would smoke hash, smoke pot, and we'd just sit around and go not working.
	And then there was one day we would go to these jock parties too.
	We were kind of the weirdos.
	What did you call us, the weirdies?
	We were the weirdies?
	And we would, I was living in the suburbs, so there wasn't a cool punk scene.
	There was no hipsters in the burbs.
	So there was only about, you know, four outcasts.
	Four to like you guys.
	There was actually there was, yeah, you're right.
	There was four outcasts, and then there was six normies who liked being with the outcasts.
	Yeah.
	Like, remember those guys who go to punk shows in a sweater?
	Yeah.
	I'm not getting a mohawk, but I like these guys better than my normal friends.
	Or some of them don't even have a thing, so like those people are in there, like, I guess I'll try this for a little bit.
	Yeah, I'm going to hang out with punks and weirdos, even though I'm not a weirdo, but I am a weirdo.
	I don't get along with football players.
	But then there was only like one party every two weeks.
	So you'd go to this jock party.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And they didn't like us.
	And I'm looking at it in retrospect.
	I'm like, we could have got along great.
	One weird thing about the jock parties is there were football players and stuff.
	They would have showers.
	What?
	I remember they'd be at a party and they would go upstairs, like everyone was drinking beer, and they'd have a hot, hot shower.
	What?
	And they'd come down.
	That's weirder than goth shit.
	I know.
	And they'd come down in a towel, waisted, yelling, and you could see their back knee like glowing in the sun.
	It was like these fluorescent orange dots on their back.
	Yeah.
	Guys that have shadows.
	That was weird activity.
	I don't think they were fucking chicks up there.
	We were all too young.
	We were like 14, 15, 16.
	Maybe it was a reason to get naked.
	Yeah, I think they had good bodies.
	And they were like, hey.
	It was like, I'm a man.
	Look at me.
	They're like Africans.
	I don't like the poo-poo.
	I am a man.
	I have a shower.
	I am hot from the shower.
	Son, when you are at a party, you take a shower so you can show off your body.
	But you are not getting it.
	You show the woman your back knee.
	You show that it clothes.
	And you say, I am a man.
	Pop quiz, how do you get naked without making it socially awkward?
	A shower?
	Yes.
	A shower.
	They would eventually get drunk and kick us out too because they were like, these guys don't belong here.
	They're not going to let us go.
	It was sort of like a form of racism.
	Like, they didn't like these four blacks that were at the party.
	Yeah.
	But they tolerated us until it was time to go.
	Oh, my God.
	I just thought of another story.
	Remind me to tell you about the Ano Chinook party.
	But anyway, so we're at this one party, and I think I can't remember if we were smoking a joint.
	And smoking a joint back then sucked too because it would be a cigarette with bits of hash burgers in it.
	And I don't like smoking cigarettes.
	Never have.
	So we're either doing bottle toques or smoking a cigarette with hash in it.
	And all of a sudden, we started finally feeling it.
	And this guy we called Skeeter goes, hey man, are you feeling like little snakes go up your body?
	And I felt a little giggly.
	And then this guy, Peter Zabo, he just broke the ice perfectly.
	He just put out his hand like this, like Gimme Flag, and he goes, slap me some skin, body.
	It's giving me a flashback of how that totally breaks.
	Yeah.
	But it was like a cartoon shooting.
	It was the Batta Clan.
	Oh my God.
	It just breaks the reality.
	We had no spines anymore.
	Wow.
	It was Men in Black.
	We all collapsed.
	All the hardest I've ever laughed in my fucking life.
	We were laughing friends.
	You know those laughs?
	You don't get them after high school.
	It's only a high school laugh.
	Where you're trying to put air and push it into your mouth.
	You actually don't like laughing.
	I'm going to suffocate.
	You don't like laughing.
	I'm dying.
	You're like, oh, 911.
	This is, I'm, I need help.
	Yeah.
	I'm fucking dying.
	Dude, screaming, laughing.
	I don't know, I really wish that you, But you remember literally he went like this.
	Slap me fast.
	Slap me some skin, buddy.
	Dude.
	Oh my god, me and my friend.
	I saw it in a movie recently, too.
	It was Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam.
	And he was being a black guy.
	And he was doing his like jive thing.
	And he said, yo, slap me some skin.
	And I realized Peter Zabbo must have got it from that.
	But then he added Bobby, which is 99% of the joke anyway.
	Was there any Bobby there?
	No.
	He said it to Skeeter.
	Slap me some skin.
	And from that day on, Slap Me became laughing your head off.
	And I stopped using it, obviously, because I've moved to a bunch of different places.
	But when I go back to my hometown, I'll meet these guys sometimes.
	And they'll be like, no, it was really funny.
	Like, we had a bunch of slap me's, and we went over to Rhoda's house.
	Her son just graduated college, and he's happy.
	And he had a bunch of slap me.
	It's just like a word.
	It means laughing your head off.
	Oh, that's great.
	And they've maintained the fucking virtue of it.
	Dude, that's amazing.
	I remember one time, me and my friend Larry.
	Rest in peace.
	Should you always mention the fact that somebody's dead when they're dead?
	No, it's not.
	Is he guy?
	Larry actually just looked down at you and went, dude.
	He's like, I was alive then, so don't know.
	They don't know me.
	I wasn't dead at the time.
	Let's tell the fucking story.
	We're sitting on a log.
	That's not me saying that.
	That's Larry.
	Yeah, I know.
	It's no offense taken.
	But I understand, sir.
	Did you ever see Old School?
	Remember Blue is the old guy?
	Blue, the old guy.
	Oh, yeah.
	We're sitting there.
	I'm trying to just quote a funny line from the movie Old School.
	I'm trying to say, at the funeral, Will Farrell says, Blue, you're my boy.
	And I'm sitting on the log, and I'm so high I don't know what to say, but I know I want to say something funny.
	No, no, this is me and Larry while he was alive on a log.
	We just smoked weed.
	And I'm trying to reference that part, and I go, boy, you're my blue.
	So I just like flip the line around, and yeah, we laughed for about like 20 minutes.
	You're not here, so this story is bombing.
	Oh, you can hear me, though?
	He just started laughing for those at home.
	I can't tell you how hard I was smiling as I took up.
	I was sitting there pissing with like a fucking chest higher grin, Hearing you bomb to whatever recording this was.
	A GoPro.
	An app and a GoPro.
	Is this dead?
	Is that not even a problem?
	So we lost some of that footage, I suppose.
	Well, who cares?
	I don't care about the video.
	No, no, it's slow battery.
	Yeah, that is awesome.
	That I bombed?
	It's a good story.
	I like the story, by the way.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	But it's also funny that you lost it because so much of those super jokes are based on the context of the time.
	Yes, it is.
	Which is why I'm suing the SBLC because they're killing the whole concept of context and cherry-picking quotes and ruining the fun.
	But that reminds me, I dated this chick, Nancy Wong.
	She's, I think she's with the fucking, what's it called?
	Oh, I know her.
	Her worst enemy is Nancy White.
	She's a really cool chick.
	She probably doesn't want me identifying that we ever dated, but she's with the sound system.
	What are they called?
	LCD?
	LCD sound system?
	Yeah.
	Nice.
	But her brother's, you know, he's kind of a normie.
	He's a peasant noob.
	I got a piss.
	But he was, you can still hear me when I talk, right?
	Yes.
	So he's in Amsterdam, and they get super baked, as everyone does when they go to Amsterdam.
	Like you're used to normal joints, and going there is like smoking kryptonite joints.
	I don't enjoy it.
	Joints were as strong as they should be when I was a teenager in 1985.
	They should have stopped the technology.
	The government should have said, stop making these better.
	Because they've turned these joints into these fucking LSD machines where you're just, you just get too fucking big.
	Like, I can't smoke pot.
	My wife and I, every New Year's Eve, our New Year's resolution is, let's try to smoke more pot, which is more than, you know, once every eight months.
	We just can't get it into our system.
	It's just too much.
	Anyway, so everyone who goes to Amsterdam goes, yeah, I'll have this, this, and this, and I'll try this strawberry fucking concoction.
	And they get pin tunnel vision, and they go outside and they puke on the sidewalk and they have to go home.
	It's a nightmare.
	So Nancy's brother goes there and at the very beginning of the night, they decide that they're really going to fucking give her.
	And they smoke all the pot that they have at the shop and all the different types.
	And then they hear about some rave that's out in the country and they go, let's do it, man.
	Let's just fucking do it.
	We're going to do everything when we're here.
	So they go, they get in the cab.
	And as soon as he gets in the cab, he shits his pants.
	Hey!
	Hey!
	He shits his pants.
	Yeah, Normis just completely wets himself with diarrhea.
	Fills his drawers with poop.
	Oh my God.
	And so he tells his buddies, I think they were all Asian, by the way, so you like this story.
	I hate Asian.
	And he's like, guys, I can't go to the rave.
	And they're like, what are you talking about?
	He's like, we've got to pull over.
	We've got to get like wet moss or something.
	Like, I behave myself in a really bad way.
	And they go, okay, I guess we're giving up on this plan because you pooed your pants?
	He's like, I'm sorry about that.
	And then he starts kind of scoping areas that might have marsh.
	And this was pre-Uber, so I don't know how he thought he was going to get back, but I don't think they cared.
	So he goes, yeah, we'll pull over here.
	And they go like, woofen schlappen, goopen, luben.
	And they're like, yeah, yeah, that's, here's your fucking nine euros.
	So he pulls, and he's like, sorry guys.
	And they go, it's all right, man, whatever.
	We're fucking toasted.
	And so he goes, I'm going to go over here.
	I'm going to take off all my clothes and I'll wash.
	I'll try to find like leaves and stuff.
	And he pulls down his pants and he realized the whole thing was an anal hallucination.
	No.
	He hadn't shit his pants.
	What?
	He just thought he shit his pants.
	Yeah.
	And he, so he has pants at his ankles and he turns back to his friends and he goes, I didn't shit my pants.
	And they go, they both go, yeah.
	And they all cheer and then they fucking laugh so hard that he, with his penis hanging out, no, just collapses laughing.
	So they have like, we're going to die laughing.
	They laughed for like an hour at the fact that the friend is nude like 40 feet away in an anal cleaning area.
	He had chosen from the cab where he's going to wash his buttocks and there was no need.
	There was no diarrhea.
	I didn't ship my pants.
	He made it.
	Oh man.
	Look at his deathbed.
	He's going to go, when I was a young man, I didn't shit my pants that one time that I thought I'd ship my pants.
	But I took every precaution necessary.
	I did give a lot of girls a lot of roofies.
	I killed a chicken now.
	What?
	No, but we used to do shrooms at Steve's house on Halloween.
	And I remember one time we, it's funny how it creeps up on you and you think it's just a bunch of guys hanging out.
	And then you realize we're all fucking destroyed.
	Like we're all maniacs.
	And then we noticed there was a large knife on the kitchen table.
	And we go, that's got to get out of here.
	Yeah.
	I don't want that here.
	But no one wanted to pick it up in case they went.
	I'm a killer now.
	Hello.
	Yes, exactly.
	Hello, Clary.
	Exactly.
	So we got, we've had this similar thing.
	We got a towel and we threw it on the knife.
	And then we like bunched it out so it was within the towel.
	And then we took the big ball of knife towel like into a hallway and hit it.
	And then later on in a totally different hallway, he had a house that had like a, this is common in Canada.
	the living room opens up into a little mini alcove, and then there's another door that opens up into the garage because everything's so freezing cold, you need like nine layers to get inside.
	So, in that little area, there's usually like a laundry machine and other shitty stuff and a bunch of coats, a mud room, a long linear mudroom.
	And I didn't know this was going on because there's a lot of us.
	There's like 14.
	I know this was going on, but I open up the sliding door to the alcove before the garage, and it's like the fucking garbage room in Star Wars where the walls were closing, and there's like eight guys, and they're all like, and I go, what the fuck are you guys doing?
	And they're not like going, oh, we're being a garbage room.
	They're just, they were all monsters, and there's about five of them, and their legs were sort of intertwangled.
	They're like, ah.
	And then we go, have you seen the fucking mud room?
	And so we would get like food, like a piece of bread, and we'd open the door and throw it in there and close it.
	And they'd be like, like they were monsters.
	Then it got crazier.
	It was Halloween.
	So the doorbell would ring.
	And Steve would go, uh, you.
	And you would have to go out there.
	Holy fucking shit.
	Holy fucking shit.
	And there'd be like a bumblebee and Batman like, hello.
	But it was literally a bumblebee and literally Batman.
	You're like, Batman's working with Bumblebees.
	One was like, so in your head, they say hello, but what you see is, where is he?
	Just like actual.
	I am just landed on Earth and we want your candy.
	Yeah.
	Give him his candy.
	Yeah.
	I work with him on special cases and I'm here to make sure he's okay.
	Batman, you don't have to explain yourself here.
	Batman actually Batman.
	By the way, thank you so much for keeping Gotham safe.
	And this bumblebee, I didn't know there was tiny two-foot bumblebee people.
	I'm happy to give you candy.
	You eat candies?
	That makes sense.
	You make honey, you need sugar.
	And I just remember going like, take it all.
	Wow.
	And I remember they're going, wow, thanks, mister.
	I think I emptied the whole, like in a handful.
	But the beauty of 14 guys at a party is the you only happens like once.
	Yeah.
	Maybe twice.
	Because that's 20 visits.
	So math is in your favor.
	That's another good shirt.
	Math is in your favor.
	On the ride here, talking directly to the camera, it's like from Austin to Dallas, like a three-hour ride.
	We came up with like five shirts.
	Gingers Won't Hurt You or something.
	I'm impressed you can remember them all.
	I think that fucked that one up.
	I can't remember any of them.
	They're all good.
	I remember another glitch with math.
	Oh, wait, my regular grandpa does regular Coke.
	Oh, remember the t-shirt idea?
	It was bumps and one-hitters.
	Like a bump of Coke and doing a one-hitter is greater than joints.
	No, lines and blunts.
	People don't do joints anymore.
	Do people roll joints anymore?
	Civilized people do.
	People who have enough time to roll a blunt.
	One time I was at 2A.
	Is it 2A?
	Yeah.
	Across some Dick Manitoba's on A. And I was ordering cocaine, which I'm not proud of and I will never do again.
	Sure.
	I hope my kids don't listen to these podcasts.
	But I get in the current...
	I was going to say a Puerto Rican and a black, but is there a difference?
	Like they both have the end card, And we get in there and I'm like doing the deal.
	This is back when you just spend 20 bucks.
	Now you have to spend $100 to get a whole vial.
	This is just like a little dupe.
	It's not worth anybody's time to go less than $180.
	Yeah.
	And I'm like, let's do the deal.
	And I realized that I'd lived in New York long enough to know that I'm not a New Yorker.
	And I'm not going to try to be like, yo, what's up?
	I'll just be, hello, here.
	So here is your $20 and let's get started.
	And they go, yo, man, can I ask you something?
	I'm going to have an argument with this nigga.
	And I'm like, okay, I'm happy to contribute any way I can.
	This nigga says that you can't get high on just one blunt.
	And you need at least two blunts to get a motherfucker high.
	I think that's bullshit.
	What do you think?
	I was like, well, my understanding is a blunt is to, quote unquote, slit a cigar up the side and empty the tobacco or whatever is inside there.
	And then fill it with, I assume, is at least one gram of marijuana, which is what I would consider, even at the peak of my marijuana career as a young man, would be a month's supply.
	Wow.
	And you're talking about modern marijuana.
	This is probably in 2005 or 6, where pot was still incredibly strong.
	So smoking an entire gram of marijuana in a large cigar surrounding would be more than enough to get a person high.
	So I would err on the side of your argument, and I would disagree with the gentleman in the passenger seat, but no offense, of course.
	And they both looked at me like, and I went, alrighty.
	That's like me answering any question that you ever asked me.
	I just got out of there.
	You know, it's funny too, but you don't smoke two blunts by yourself.
	You smoke blunts with seven other people.
	Marijuana is so fucking strong.
	I tried it for a video when I was doing the ad agency rooster, and I was like, I want to do a video of an old guy smoking marijuana.
	So I did a massive bong hit.
	Dude, I took all my clothes off.
	I was lying on a cement floor just to get the cool air.
	You know, you want the coolness.
	And I thought, I have to dial 911.
	But the thought of like the gurney and the whole process and going down the stairs and in the elevator, like waiting.
	Like if I lived near a hospital, I just would have gone to the hospital.
	But it was remarkably unpleasant.
	Yeah, it's, I don't get panic attacks or anything like that, but every time I smoke too much weed, I feel like I'm going to get a call from somebody saying that somebody I love has passed away.
	That's always the thing.
	I get high where I'm like, I turn off my phone because if like if you were to tech, like every time you email me, I'm like, oh shit, this is my call to duty.
	I know we're friends, but I have some shit to do.
	If I get an email or text from you, like, I'm, dude, where's that video from?
	A lot of them are bad.
	I know.
	Like the fucking hidden...
	I tried to log in, but the email, instead of, it's not blank at blanksurplus.com.
	It's blanksurplus at blank.com.
	So I got that wrong.
	But here's the thing.
	Can't you log into it now?
	I'd have to log out of mine.
	I don't remember mine either, but that's why.
	I have my laptop here.
	Anyway, let's not bore the people with minutia.
	But yeah, I'm always afraid after I get high that I'm going to get some sort of important call.
	You know what?
	Drugs, let's look at that.
	Marijuana is a harmless drug in the sense that you're never going to OD and it can make things funnier, especially movies.
	It makes sex better.
	But it is a vice and it is bad for some shit.
	It makes you lazy.
	It makes it harder to get out of bed in the morning.
	It hurts your grades.
	It kills all libidos, not just your sexual libido, but it kills your like, I think I want to be a photographer.
	So in your formative years, it's bad to be a fucking pothead.
	If you can save it for a special occasion, that's smart.
	And I can see it being advantageous.
	But when it becomes part of your culture and you're the pothead at the school like Jeff Spicoli, you just fucked yourself.
	All right, that's that one.
	Cocaine, it's kind of good for business.
	If you went out the night before and you don't want to go out and there's a client in town, I've made a lot of money off cocaine as a young man.
	When you get to my age, you can't do it because you'll have a heart attack.
	I don't know if anyone who OD'd on cocaine.
	I've known a few people to empty their bank accounts.
	They go to rehab.
	It's kind of like pot.
	It's kind of like booze.
	Meth.
	The harmlessness is almost the thing that's bad about it.
	Yeah.
	Because you're so functional on it.
	Meth, now we're getting into a different area.
	And I think it has a 99% rate of recidivism.
	You're up to four days.
	When you quit, you go back.
	Oh, well, I've had about a two-month period where I would, like, I had, I don't even know how much it is because I don't do meth, but I got a chunk given to me because I asked for Adderall.
	And this drug dealer didn't have Adderall.
	So they were like, try this.
	And I looked it up on Reddit to make sure I would do it safely.
	And there's like, there's this thing called micro-dosing that a lot of people do.
	I was like, well, I'll do that.
	And never snorted it, never smoked it, but you put it under your tongue or mix it with a Yuhoo, something that coats your stomach.
	And then I never went back to it.
	And not only that, I got an offers to go back to it.
	And I knew this was the most, like, the most addictive shit in the world.
	But you just, I sparsed that little amount throughout like two months.
	So it was like, and I actually, when I got arrested at the NYU thing, that's why I got in trouble.
	Not for defending myself against a tall, fascist, you know, Antifa guy who is way taller than me.
	They found meth in your wallet?
	Yeah.
	I told him about it before they even took it out.
	I was like, listen, you're going to find a little surprise in there.
	Why'd you tell them about it?
	Because they were going to find it anyway.
	Would they have?
	Anyway, I'm getting worried about my kids here.
	So Uncle Robert is very bad.
	Never do that.
	Speed is bad, but Adderall says amphetamine sulfate on the bottle.
	So an entire generation of college students are speed addicts.
	Like, they do as much speed as Lemmy did, and he created Motorhead.
	And if you're interested in Motorhead, they're very fast.
	Yeah.
	Post-Ace of spades.
	Like, look at late Motorhead, and you just hear people on speed.
	All right, so we got all those drugs.
	They're all bad.
	But wait, that is the Adderall thing.
	It's so casual to do that.
	I've had an Adderall in my drawer that I have not touched because I know it's a whole fucking two days.
	like the problem with boomers and Gen X It's fucking speed.
	I see women taking it.
	If you do five milligrams at 7 a.m., five milligrams.
	Yeah.
	At 7 a.m. and have a coffee.
	That night at 11 p.m., you're like 1 a.m.
	You might get to sleep.
	And that was however many hours before.
	The kids today are doing 80 milligrams.
	Dude, I think if you and I did 80 milligrams.
	I would die.
	I think we might have a heart attack.
	Yeah.
	My heart's not very strong.
	Like we would, I don't think we could, I literally don't think we could do 80 milligrams.
	You know what?
	If you take a little bit too much Edderall, you think you're going to get this essay done or this podcast edit, not podcast edit, video edited, but you wind up thinking of something else.
	Oh, I'll just start doing that.
	And now you're just fucking doing like three different things.
	I was told the trick is, like, if you have to do your taxes, you start doing your taxes.
	I'm not advocating for Adderall.
	You start doing your taxes, and then you take the hit, and then you stay on that.
	Right.
	I met a lot of guys who would call Adderall Dadderall in New York because you work all day and you come home and you have to fucking tickle someone for calling Johnny a noob.
	And you're too tired.
	But with Adderall, you can go like you do like a 10-hour day.
	You have a maker's mark at the bar after.
	You get home and you're still ready to rock.
	You're cooking dinner.
	You're make money all day, and then you're the best dad in the universe.
	Daddy-all.
	I met a journalist at New York Times who wanted to do a story about it.
	And every dadderall dad I knew wouldn't talk to them because they didn't want to mix it up.
	Okay, so we got drugs are bad for you.
	They're a vice.
	Alcohol is bad for you.
	These are things we have to recognize.
	Our worst nightmare as parents is our kids drinking and driving.
	Marijuana, it's not going to kill you, but it's not good for you during Your developing years, same with cocaine.
	Meth is just fucking insane.
	What are you talking about?
	Meth, Adderall is meth.
	Ritalin is meth.
	All right, so we got all that out of the way.
	Now there's a totally different category.
	Psychedelics?
	No, okay, well, let's mention psychedelics.
	LSD, it's kind of good for you, I think, to try once or twice.
	It expands your brain.
	Seven, eight times, when it starts becoming a habit, I think it leads to insanity, schizophrenia.
	It breaks your brain.
	But I think, I'm not sure about how I feel about my kids, but I don't think it's unhealthy to have tried a hallucinogenic once.
	The Indians do peyote all the time.
	Magic mushrooms, LSD.
	I got this book, Rules for Radical, Radical, not Rules for Radicals, obviously, but Radical, what's it called?
	Anyway, it's this book where all these scientists who tried acid, James Watson, who helped sequence the genome, and Steve Jobs, they said that ACID helped them.
	So I think in very small doses, hallucinogenics have a good argument.
	MDMA, GHB, sure, recreationally, you go to a dance club.
	I wasted the 90s on that shit.
	It milks your emotions, though, which is so.
	Yeah, you get really depressed on Monday, hence the band.
	Happy Mondays.
	Manic Mondays?
	Happy Mondays?
	Happy Mondays.
	Fuck face.
	Manic Mondays.
	My mother-in-law.
	So all those drugs, blah, blah, blah, blah.
	So those are drugs.
	And they're very dangerous.
	You have to keep your wits about you.
	And as a parent, I'm obviously totally paranoid about them fucking up with any of those.
	But that's a category, right?
	Got it.
	Now there's a separate thing.
	I wish these weren't called drugs.
	Opioids are a different universe.
	They should be called like flugs.
	Like plugs.
	How about hell tastes?
	Hell tastes.
	It's like hell hors d'oeuvres.
	Then it's hell tastes.
	Yeah.
	Like all those other things are up there with overeating.
	Those are civilian shit.
	Opioids is gambling with the devil.
	Yeah, it's planet fuck everything.
	What's that song where the guy's like playing blackjack with the devil?
	The devil went down to Georgia?
	The violin battle.
	Yeah, the violin battle.
	That's what opioids is.
	And you've lost a friend recently.
	I've done opioids and I know why you just keep doing them.
	Well, the thing with opioids is They feel good, sure.
	You feel like lowie.
	It's like seven supermodels are giving you a blowjob at the same time.
	In your stomach.
	But you can get that from like a Xanax, a beer, and a joint.
	Or just get close to there.
	You can get close to there.
	Say heroin is a 9.
	You can get to a 7.5 or an 8 without risking dying.
	And I always say this to young people.
	I go, there's two hot chicks in front of you.
	That chick is a 10 and she has AIDS.
	This chick is an 8 and she does not have AIDS.
	You can't wear a condom.
	Who do you want to fuck?
	Yeah.
	Fuck an AIDS.
	That's a great point.
	There's no need to fuck a 10.
	You're right.
	Opioids are not worth the risk.
	Yes, they feel slightly better than other drugs, but you're going to die.
	True.
	And you know what?
	What's so ironic about it is you start loving stuff again and you're like, you want to clean your room and like improve your life, but it's over.
	If you keep doing it, it's just over.
	So all the things that you're loving is gone.
	I think of my friend Dash Snow.
	Like I've had so many friends die from heroin and I think my attitude was always fuck you.
	And then for some reason.
	You grumpy Adam?
	Like you're like, you fucked up.
	You fucked up, you stupid asshole.
	Right.
	I've heard that before, but I don't fuck with him.
	With Dash, I don't know why I ran out of apathy, but I just went, I started crying.
	And I thought of his daughter and his wife.
	I don't know if they were married.
	His baby mama.
	And I honestly think that there was this demon on his shoulder.
	And this is totally made up, obviously.
	I have no evidence.
	But I feel like, because what happens when you OD is your lungs forget to breathe.
	So you suffocate.
	And I feel like as he was drifting away, you know, we hear these stories of like the light and you get called to death.
	Sure.
	And then you go, no, I'm not going to do it.
	You come out of the water or something.
	You're like, I'm not.
	My body fights to survive.
	Under any circumstance, it fights to survive.
	You sense you're near the edge.
	Your body doesn't let you die.
	It's not supposed to happen.
	Yeah.
	Like your adrenaline lifts up a fucking car and shit.
	So there's a turning point where you can sense you're going past the point of no return.
	And I'm just obviously just making this up.
	But I feel like Dash Snow was sort of drifting and drifting.
	And he goes, uh-oh, I feel like the lungs are going to shut down soon.
	And then there was a demon on his shoulder, the heroin demon.
	I'm honestly starting to believe that Satan lives in certain drugs.
	Not all drugs.
	He doesn't live in pot.
	Evil is real.
	But he lives in fucking heroin.
	And he said to Dash, let's just go.
	Let's go.
	Right.
	Fuck it.
	But what about my daughter?
	Your daughter, she'll be fine.
	Let's go.
	You think you feel good now?
	You want to know the ultimate joy?
	Nothing.
	Nothing.
	Come with me to the abyss.
	You think this feels good?
	And it does feel good.
	But I want to take you to pure blackness.
	And that's a moment.
	Come with me to pure blackness.
	And he might go, yeah, let's try it.
	Let's try it.
	We'll just try it.
	Fucking black.
	Yeah.
	Oh.
	And he's dead.
	And then he's just a rotten cadaver.
	And he's at the funeral home and they're pumping out his blood.
	See, that I never pictured.
	You're not like floating in outer space.
	You're not this cool creature.
	You're just like a guy and they're taking your pants off.
	Just putting like tuxedo pants on your weird dead legs and putting like black socks on your dead foot.
	And then a shoe.
	It doesn't matter if it's a shoe fits.
	Not going to hurt your foot, sure, right?
	And then they put some rouge on your cheeks.
	Oh, my legs.
	And then cremated too.
	It's like you're just your body just burned alive.
	The hand that gave me handshakes and hey, come in here.
	Burned alive?
	Well, burned dead.
	Well, I think they have the person you looked at is now just either rotting or burned purposely or, like, touched by some strangers that are, like, joking while they're doing it.
	Dude, so on Friday, I fucking...
	I fucking hate the Rams.
	The cold.
	I don't want them to go near the Super Bowl.
	Oh, man.
	It almost makes me want to do it myself.
	I'll fucking dress him up and shit.
	You guys don't care about this fuck.
	He's to you, he's a fuck.
	To me, he's my fucking best friend.
	I've only lost my best friend to drugs.
	I've lost other people in our town to drugs, like numerous.
	But you never think you're going to lose your best friend.
	So for those of you who just tune in, welcome back to the Cheery Podcast.
	What we like to do is uplift you.
	Remember that demon thing that you were saying?
	It's like that shared experience where you can't confirm whether the devil is sitting there like, let's just fucking go.
	But that's the one shared experience you can't be like, yeah, I had that demon.
	Say the same shit to me.
	Exactly, yeah.
	I mean, I've heard of these guys like Shane Smith, the guy I started vice with.
	His dad almost died in a sailing accident and he got all tangled up in the fucking ropes.
	I don't know about sailing.
	And it went upside down.
	It started sinking.
	So he's going down, down, down, down.
	And he's wrapped up in all these cords.
	That's hell.
	And he goes, I'm going to die.
	And he realizes, and it's sinking fast.
	That sucks.
	I'm fucking panicking thinking about this.
	I wish you could have been there while it was happening and just like with a scuba shoe and go, dude, be sure.
	Dude, you fall, baby.
	And he had.
	Dude, you're all that fucking blocked.
	Shane likes to embellish, so I don't know how much is true, but apparently Charles had this epiphany where he went, fuck this.
	I'm not going to die.
	And he started like, bye-bye.
	Like ripping the cords out of the rivets that they were held onto.
	Yeah, the thing that's not supposed to do that.
	And like getting it off of him, the sail.
	And then almost risking, what's that thing you get where you go up too fast?
	The bands.
	I don't know what it's called.
	Yeah, missing the bands.
	Whoa.
	So I think we all have this instinct where we sense the turning point and our body goes, dude, let's fucking do this.
	Everything, everything.
	And I think heroin gets on your shoulder and goes, I know you want to say, like, let's fucking do this.
	Like you're Mr. Charles, Mr. Sailor, and you're going down with the ship.
	That's not.
	Even easier to just fuck.
	That's gay.
	Don't do that.
	Trying is for fat.
	Trying is for losers.
	Come with me into the abyss.
	It's awesome.
	There's chicks there.
	Everyone's goth.
	Right.
	The elevator girl playing the QR code.
	Why can't I be?
	Why are you going to be leader?
	You're going to be the leader of the hell goth scene.
	And the guy's like, you're probably lying, but you know what?
	You fuck it, bro.
	You drive away.
	You had to know her.
	Damn.
	Yeah, and that, uh, you know what's crazy, too?
	I think my theory is you start thinking about everybody you love and stuff because you're pretty much saying bye to it.
	Because every time I would come up, you'd be like, dude, you're my best friend.
	Hey, mom, how you doing?
	Because you're just pretty much saying bye because you're like detached from it all.
	You're like, boy, I love you.
	It's a big goodbye.
	I think the best, I've talked about this on the show before, but the best book on heroin, addiction, and overdoses.
	The guy's sister who wrote the book to him.
	Yeah, Harris Whittle's sister, Everything Is Wonderful and Horrible or something.
	And it's written as a letter to him.
	And I wish these junkies could realize that while you're self-indulging and thinking about being the head of the goth thing in the afterworld, and just like it's more self-indulgent than someone who just beats off 50 times a day.
	You're a sub-wanker.
	Your soul is getting cheap.
	Seeing Philip Seymour Hoffman on the cover Rolling Stone, I remember Drake was all pissed that he was.
	Drake was going to be the cover of Rolling Stone, but Philip Seymour Hoffman scooped him by dying.
	Oh.
	And I resented Philip Seymour Hoffman being on the cover of Rolling Stone because he was such a fucking junkie that he had, he realized I have kids, and I don't want them seeing my syringes and heroin and shit.
	So instead of going, I should stop, he goes, I'll just have my heroin apartment.
	So he had another apartment like four doors down where he would focus.
	Pre-band, by the way.
	Their cover band.
	And their album cover has Philip Seymour Hoffman on the front.
	The Rolling Stone cover.
	So that was just his heroin house.
	Now, you know what?
	I can forgive you if you have a Coke house.
	If you're like, I love Coke, and every four days I like to put on 80s music and cut out some lines in my Coke apartment.
	I mean, I think you're fucking weird.
	But that's not ruining lives.
	But when you have a heroin, you have a horrible and wonderful.
	Everything is horrible and wonderful.
	When you have a heroin apartment, you know you're going to die.
	You have a death room.
	I don't have to.
	I don't know the data, but they can find me right now.
	I would say 2% of heroin addicts can, you know, do it in the warm.
	You have a coffin with a bed and a couch in it.
	Yeah, and you have fucking kids.
	Yeah, like you got to see yourself as one Like, I want to get this.
	And I got some great fights.
	Yeah.
	Now that I have kids, if there's a bar fight, I'm out the back.
	Yeah.
	I'm precious.
	I don't have kids and I would never do it.
	I will protect.
	If I was at a bar and some like little woman is being hit by a dude, I would intervene.
	But outside of really obvious justice, I don't want to get any trouble.
	Obvious Justice is a good one.
	Obvious Justice are playing at the fucking Rickery Lounge at the Hardcore Festival with Gorilla Biscuits.
	They're opening for Gorilla Biscuits.
	And then the Slap Me One Bobby, I think, is their opening here.
	Oh, wow.
	Give me a Slap, Bobby.
	Oh, my God.
	Did I forget it already?
	You forgot already, but it's still, even if you got it right, Slap Me Some Skin, Bobby.
	Fuck.
	Maybe the Slap Me's?
	We call them Slap Me's now.
	The Slap Me Some Skins.
	All right, this podcast is running out of steam.
	So we started this talking about being a dad and your kids being funny.
	And then we got into drugs.
	And Planet Gay.
	And one of the problems with the right is they have this conservative and socially conservative view that there's like the good people with the suit and ties, and then there's the hippies who get up to all that degenerate stuff.
	I want to be a conservative on the degenerate side and say, hi, I'm here with the hippies and the degenerates and the weirdos.
	And I want to say that a lot of them are fucking up bad, but a lot of them are doing a fine job.
	There's a lot of functioning potheads that you conservatives don't need to vilify.
	There's a lot of cool gay dudes that aren't trying to sabotage Christianity.
	I'm here sort of in the eye of the storm going, it's important that we differentiate within the left between the psycho ex-girlfriends that are getting everyone fired and the normal left of center liberals who just like, I don't know, they're not entrepreneurial.
	They don't respect the free market as much as I do.
	They seem to have faith in the government, but they're not evil.
	And even within the world of drugs, there's marijuana.
	There's some guy who does cocaine on the weekends.
	They're not a risk to society.
	But the beauty of fucking talking about all this is we can differentiate between things like a joint and opioids.
	And I think our young people have to know.
	I sound like Steve Harvey now.
	I've been listening to your words and I've been talking to the young people.
	I've been thinking my thoughts.
	I've been thinking my thoughts.
	I've been eating my eats.
	But when there's discourse, when there's dialogue, when the curtains are open and you say, I'm speaking to conservatives now, guys, yes, you're right.
	Drugs are bad.
	Marijuana is bad.
	But there's things that are more bad and less bad.
	And Coke and all that other stupid shit is just like bad for you.
	Like booze is bad for you.
	Then there's opioids.
	Then there's fentanyl.
	Difference between a middle finger.
	You have to tell young people.
	Because when you just go, don't do drugs to kids, they go, well, fentanyl and pot are the same.
	Kids, don't do drugs, but if you're going to do drugs, understand that there's different categories, and there's stupid drugs like pot, and then there's a fucking Russian roulette like fentanyl and oxy and opioids and heroin.
	That is spinning the chamber.
	And this is the problem with the SBLC trying to shut down dialogue.
	We're ruining nuance.
	And nuance is fascist.
	The death of nuance is the birth of fascism.
	And if you can't tell kids that there's a difference between pot and fentanyl, then they try pot and they go, that wasn't so bad.
	That horror movie just became way scarier, but I'm fine.
	Or that comedy just became way funnier.
	I think I'll try heroin.
	No, I want to be there to go, no, no, no.
	There's different types of drugs.
	You took the scary movies are scarier.
	Funny movies are funnier drug.
	This is the Russian roulette drug.
	They're in a totally different universe.
	Yeah.
	It's true.
	You know what it does too?
	It turns people into fucking robots because it's binary.
	Either you're zero or one.
	Bam.
	That's it.
	No nuance, no color.
	Soviet.
	It's Russian.
	And I was talking to our buddy, Chuck, about that, and he said, no, dude, it's worse than Soviet Russia.
	He said, in Soviet Russia, you would do the gulag.
	You'd be punished for your wrongthink.
	And you're good.
	And then you're rebooted and you're fine in society.
	In our society, once you're a racist, you're Jerry Sandusky.
	And you can even, even if you were a bona fide racist, which is rare, you can never be redeemed.
	But it's worse than that.
	If you're accused of racism or you knew a racist or you fucking said hi to a racist, you're still irredeemable forever.
	So in a way, America's become less free than Soviet Russia.
	And why the fuck do I have to talk on encrypted apps?
	Why do I have to hide from nerds?
	Why do I have to say like, oh, I had a donut with a...
	I have a picture with somebody very unsavory, and they came up to me, recognized me, and took a picture with me.
	I didn't know who the fuck they were.
	Turns out they're very unsavory.
	They're not savory, like Antifa?
	No.
	Like far, like super far right.
	Oh, oh.
	I didn't know who the fuck they were.
	I like Trump.
	That's it.
	Right, right, right.
	Anyway, so, you know, it's like what I'm hiding.
	I'm hiding from some nerd who has too much time on his hands.
	Fuck you.
	How about fuck you?
	How about whatever?
	Do whatever you want to me, because there's two ways to go about it.
	You're careful, or you're like, if you're going to be a fucking nerd and try to rap me out, you're a tattletale and a fucking pussy.
	And fuck you.
	But also, you have to live in so much fear that when someone goes to take a picture with you, you start panicking.
	You go, who are you?
	What's this?
	No, I'm not taking pictures.
	I don't want to question my fellow nerves.
	That's Russia.
	I don't want to be paranoid.
	That's North Korea.
	I don't want to be in a picture with you.
	You might be part of the resistance.
	You might be part of the evil group.
	You know what?
	I take all their power away from it by, I'll fucking walk into the ocean of fucking exile if I want to.
	But I'm not going to fear some fucking nerd looking for like, oh, he fucking took a picture of this person.
	Fuck him.
	Turgid tattletails.
	I don't know if they got a piss.

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