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Feb. 15, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:30:42
Get Off My Lawn Podcast #113 | Let's list all the people who are a noob

We're in Texas, yeeehaw! Drinking beer, talking about buttholes, treasured memories, and noobs. The audio is weird since we're using Lav mics. There's video of this one, go to my YouTube channel for that. 

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Time Text
Let me list all the people who are a noob.
Duncan.
Duncan.
There's Duncan.
Duncan.
Oh, Duncan.
That's my youngest son's first high quality joke.
That's really impressive.
I'll tell you what, if I had made that joke, I would go, this is not only a great joke, but I'm going to use this in other contexts.
Like, let me list all the people I know who are always wrong.
Ryan, oh, there's Ryan Ketsu Rivera.
There's Ryan, there's Ryan Rivera.
Ryan, Ryan.
Merman.
Merman.
Oh, I'm glad you brought up your new nickname.
Our new nickname for Ryan is Merman, because he doesn't know anything.
He's like Daryl Hannah in Splash.
And we were getting into the Uber and we're in an abandoned street and I'm sitting on the back seat and he gets in on my side like I'm going to scooch over and I'm like, no, you go over on that side.
Now, if it's Fifth Avenue and cars are whipping down the highway, then yeah, I'll scooch over because I don't need to die when you go to the other side.
But we're in rural Austin I hadn't seen a car go up past that street besides the Uber.
And that same night we're staying at my friend Stockbauer's house, you go, oh it's kind of warm in here because you're a New Yorker, you're not used to high temperatures, so you open up the front door of the home.
I did do that, yeah.
Until our host, nickname does, What was it?
Gullible's Travels.
Gullible's Travels.
Yeah.
Somehow we fucked up making coffee and he comes up to us and he's like, cleaning our mess up, and he's like, y'all don't leave the house much, do ya?
It was the most southern way to be... We made a large pot of decaf to wake up for.
Was it decaf?
Yeah, I didn't read the...
Wow.
What the fuck is decaf?
I don't know.
Can I have some non-alcoholic Maker's Mark, please?
I just love the taste.
O'Doul's.
I get O'Doul's.
O'Doul's is you're dying of withdrawal symptoms.
You want a beer so fucking badly it's gonna kill you.
It's sort of like Like, say you were one of those gays who became Christian and can't be gay, and I could imagine you'd probably want to suck off like a dildo or something.
A toothbrush dildo, yeah.
Yeah, like there's probably a blow-up doll, like a guy blow-up doll, and you're just like... I understand that, I guess.
Actually, I don't understand that analogy, but whatever.
A better analogy would be, I would understand if you and I moved to Planet Homosexual and everyone was gay and we had to like, we would just be, I guess, celibate.
Does it have like rings like Santa but it's like a big old cock ring?
It's probably a super fun planet.
Except when it comes time to the fact that you're horny.
And you've said no to 300 dudes that day.
And you come home and you hang up your little hat on the hook and you're like, lonely again.
But I could imagine buying a pussy online that looks like a cantaloupe.
And it's like latex, and you're just like... Like, I could see doing that.
And that's what decaf is.
While we're on the tangent of planet gay... Is planet gay?
It's planet gay.
Everyone on the planet is incredibly gay.
And to be a straight person isn't just, like, unusual.
There's zero straight people.
You get, like, deported.
It's just never even thought of.
Yeah, why would you go there?
It would be like, on Earth, say you only fucked fridges.
Yeah.
People go, uh, uh, okay.
Don't do that.
You're gonna get jizz on our food.
My theory that every toilet in Planet Gay is perfect and clean, but there's a line of shit before each toilet that they just have to keep mopping up.
So, like, the floor is actually, like, the wood's starting to, like... You know, what you just said is homophobic, and it implies that... I'm just saying they can't... The gay anus takes a beating, but it does take a beating.
Yeah.
It takes a beating.
We've done no anal things, and we complain about our assholes a lot.
My anus...
is in the West Village.
I feel like, you know like Falun Gong?
It's like a Chinese cult.
It's like a yoga thing.
And they're seen as lesser people by the Chinese government.
So they consistently harvest this group's organs.
No, I'm not into cults, but I don't think even if you're in a cult you should have your organs stolen from you in the dead of night.
I have a feeling that, because I had a Falun Gong guy on my show a couple times, I have a feeling that word got out that I'm Falun Gong and in the middle of the night someone took my anus He brought it to the West Village.
It was given to the hottest slut in the land.
He had several fortnights of fun and then he felt guilty or maybe he died of AIDS or something?
Yeah.
And then they brought it back.
They returned it.
I don't know what they put in its place when they stole it.
Maybe just... Maybe this all happened in one night.
You could, yeah.
My anus, I've never had gay sex.
I may have had a woman's finger up there like once or twice.
It's never a thing for me.
My anus is so destroyed that I have to have like a major shower and a bidet after every shit or it itches.
And I'm at the point now where when I see old gays I sort of go, Because we're peers.
Like non-vets, yeah, yeah.
I don't know.
I guess, you know, some people are born with inefficiencies, like the guy in the 3-6 Mafia who has the baby arm.
I have a gay asshole.
Yeah, me too.
It's useless.
Mine used to be so great, but... I never knew you had a shitty ass.
It's not shitty, it's just... I think it, like, sweats something, because you'll wipe it, and you gotta sniff to be like, am I shitting myself?
And it's not stinky, but it's still wet.
Like, why wet?
I'll wipe it and wipe it, and it's brown, brown, brown, and then it starts going red.
Because it's blood.
And I go, I guess I stop now.
Well, here's the thing.
Here's a wiping technique that I've learned.
You take it and you actually wipe front to back, because we don't have vaginas, so we don't have to worry about it.
There's like, in that crevice there, that's your problem right there.
Maybe.
Look, I have a bidet.
Go to biffy.com and purchase one of these.
Enter promo code Gavin.
Enter promo code Gavin.
It's our free sponsor that has no interest in being associated with me.
What else do they have going for them?
They clean assholes.
No.
Now they're just getting promoted by assholes.
I'm such a pariah, I cannot get asshole cleaners to sponsor me.
I actually just lost a sponsor.
These guys, their whole shit is like, we're legit patriots, and we sell soap, and fucking shampoo, and it's flavored like beer, and we hate political correctness.
But Gavin is way too far, sorry.
Like, yeah.
Duke Hazard or something like that?
Yeah, so Biffy will blast your ass to shreds, and if you can get Zen on it, it goes up into your rectum, it cleans all that, and you get lettuce from like three days ago coming out.
That's the only way I can have a normal day.
What the fuck is that?
So we got here from Planet Gay because we're bad at making coffee?
Planet Gay, fun planet.
Oh, because of decaf coffee.
You know what would be funny about Planet Gay?
If we lived on Planet Gay and we were like, hi, I'm Ryan, I'm Gavin, we're straights, we want to fuck women in the pussy.
Are women on Planet Gay?
Yeah, because lesbians are gay.
Yeah, but women must be on this planet.
They must get horny.
Yeah, they're there for chicks.
Probably a good place to be.
I mean, FIT, that fashion college, is basically planet gay.
Right, right.
And I've heard when straight guys go there, like they're dicks, go, come, I please get a vacation.
I'm exhausted.
Wow.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
F-I-T.
If you're straight at F-I-T, it's like being gay in the West Village.
Like, you just get so laid, you go... From chicks?
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
Because you're the only straight guy in the entire school.
You know what?
I feel like... Let's send my sons there.
This is what I feel like with, um...
Okay, so you're on Planet Gay.
They're doing all the gay stuff, and I think, I would think that just like straight people... They're doing all the gay stuff.
They're adventurous.
And they probably would fetishize straight sex.
Oh shit.
And it would become Planet Straight.
It might become The Beatles.
It would just become normal again.
We're not normal.
I thought you meant someone would find out we're straight and be like, I have to have them.
Well, that would happen, but I feel like also the lesbians would want to sleep with you because they've been so bored, they've had like, you know, dildo shaped like elephant dicks and all this stuff.
And at the end of the day, it's just like a fleshy version of a dildo.
No, I don't know why, but I know that we would have to keep it on the DL.
That we're straight.
That we're straight.
Why would we be there?
It would probably take light years to get there.
It started as an analogy and then we ended up going... We went, wait a minute, this is just a hypothetical.
And now we're here.
Yeah, it's the spider zone.
You want a heavy hypothetical?
Yeah.
You want a hypothetical that's gonna rock your world?
Mm-hmm.
What if I was to turn off this camera right now and rape you?
Well, I mean... No, just kidding.
Here's a hypothetical.
It's Rubik's Cube, right?
You could either... I'm the judge.
I'm sentencing you for a fight or whatever you did.
You can either take this Rubik's Cube and you're free to go when you're done or spend a year in Rikers.
You're in Rikers either way, but you have the Rubik's Cube with you in Rikers.
So... But here's the deal.
If I say, if you take the Rubik's option, you cannot leave until it's perfectly done.
Sure, sure.
What do you choose?
Well, here's the thing.
I remember the Rubik's Cube comes with a little pamphlet that tells you... No, no, no, no, no, no.
I know.
And I know you can't do that, but what I'm saying is I remember how complex it was.
It's an algorithm.
And so I remember, even if you're in a situation where it's like corners, whatever, so there's a way that it kind of teaches you the practice of not the exact answer.
Dude, I'm not looking for a short story.
Just tell me the answer.
I remember how difficult it was, even with directions, to do it.
This is the problem with millennials.
They want to, like, answer too much.
Just tell me the number. - You don't make your own number.
It's dangerous.
You know what?
I don't want to risk it.
So, a year in Rikers, I guess.
I think I might do the same.
Yeah.
I said to my wife, and she's like, I'll do the Rubik's Cube.
No, you won't.
And I go, how do you know you can do it?
She goes, I'll figure it out.
Uh-uh.
That's not how it works.
I started thinking, it's possible that the Rubik's Cube takes X amount of IQ.
Like, I had this crazy professor when I was in college, and I kind of loved him and hated him.
His name was Marvin Glass, he was the head of the Canadian Communist Party, and he is the guy, the first guy I ever heard say, it's okay to have an abortion up until a year after the baby is born.
Wow.
Because an 11-month-old child is less human.
Whatever you can call that for a child, A monkey can do more shit.
The life of a monkey is still valuable, no?
Right, but it's still not a human.
So we're saying no life beyond human is... He's saying what defines a human, and any criteria you can come up with for a human, is...
A monkey can outdo it up until about a year.
Look, the problem with that whole argument is it assumes that academia can define the ethics of life.
But we all know, in reality, you can't go up to an 11-month-old with a hammer and bash its brains in.
I don't care how many witty analogies you thought of with a fucking chimpanzee.
But anyway, that was Marvin Glass.
He also said cool stuff besides murdering children, and one of them was what I was just about to get at, which is something very interesting, which I did not forget, by the way.
A lot of people accuse me of forgetting what I'm talking about, and I resent that.
No, no, you're trained to always correct.
Always correct.
That's why I can throw you off so easily.
I always remember what I was talking about.
That was a suspiciously long sip of beer.
I'm having a break because we've been talking a lot, get a hoarse voice.
Comedians have water on stage with them.
And it's perfectly normal to have a little break.
- Yeah.
- And have beer.
- It was just weird because, if I may, I don't want to cut you off because I knew you probably Don't cut me off, I'm about to explain what I was talking about.
But just quick, right before the pause you said that, I don't know, suspicious, but you were like, I never forget my point.
Never do.
Never have.
So you can take your time getting there.
Yes, that's how confident I am.
Right, right.
Because I know what I'm doing.
It's like you can take the shot but instead you're like dribbling and crossing it.
I actually, I'll be totally honest, I feel sorry for people who forget what they're talking about.
Yeah.
Does dribbling have anything to do with what you're about to say?
Nope.
How far off of a tangent was it from... Well, I was talking about Marvin Glass.
Not Marvin Glass, per se.
I was talking about communism and professors.
Hypotheticals.
Hypotheticals.
And then you were also talking about... And gays.
Living on a gay planet.
Yeah, and then also killing the kids.
But he also said some cool stuff.
Yes, he did.
Right.
Which we'll get to...
Which we should do whenever.
Because I think we had a good break.
Now it's time to get back to the crux of what we were talking about, which is Planet Gay.
We're living on Planet Gay.
We talked about that already.
We want to keep it under our hats.
That we're straight, yeah.
NYU and FIT.
FIT.
It's probably that.
Yeah, and you'll be the only straight guy there at FIT.
So naturally the next thing that you would go to after that would be the next thing.
And here's the thing, how far was that reference?
So let's say here's the reference that we tangented off of.
And then so the source is how far?
Like this far or this far?
Alright, fuck it.
I give up.
Did you forget?
Did you completely forget?
I totally forgot.
So when you started the podcast, the reason why I think your son's joke is so funny is because of the context of it.
Oh, I didn't explain the context of that either?
Yeah.
Jesus, this is a terrible podcast.
Alright, so I'm going to explain the concept of that, and then I want to get back to the gay planet, because I think that's an interesting thing.
And the problem with a lot of analogies and sort of hypothetical scenarios is people don't take it all into account, and that links to abortion.
And I'm going to get into all of that.
Oh, okay.
Okay, so here.
So, A, I have two sons and a girl.
And my two sons have this thing where they call each other a noob.
Yes.
It's the worst insult you can have.
And Duncan will say Johnny is a noob, and Johnny will say Duncan is a noob.
Yeah.
And the worst kind of noob you can be is a peasant noob.
Shit, that's fucking rough.
Yeah, it's harsh.
That is rough.
A noob is a newbie.
It's a video game thing.
You're not good at this video game, you're a noob.
Okay.
And for a while I said, stop calling each other noobs.
It's bugging me.
And then I tried to make it fun.
I said, if you call Johnny a noob, I'm going to tickle you.
If you call Duncan a noob, I'm going to tickle you.
That's fun.
And then we'd call each other a noob and then run away.
And I was like, I was running around the house tickling guys.
And it was like I worked at Tickle Co.
He's a union.
It's a punishment for you.
It's your punishment.
Because they just say, Johnny is a noob.
And then they get to run around the house, and I'm running, and I've got to tickle them.
And when you tickle a kid, if they're over five, they get some good kicks in and stuff.
Yeah, they'll fuck you up.
It's tiring.
Sometimes they'll do it to challenge you, so they'll say it more.
Because they know the punishment is just getting tickled.
And then I'm the guy who's punished, because I've got to run around tickling people.
And I'll hear it down the hallway, like, Johnny's a noob!
And then I gotta go find the guy and tickle him?
It's a pain in the ass.
It makes me want to be the kid in that situation.
Plus, I worked all day.
I work hard.
I'm dealing with all these lawsuits, SBLC, I'm trying to start all these new projects.
I finally come home, and I remember when I was a kid, and every generation before, the father would come home, plop into his chair, his dog would bring him his slippers, he'd have his pipe, and he'd read the newspaper.
I gotta fucking chase noobs around.
Tickling the shit out of them.
Noob enforcer.
Yeah!
Until like 8 or 9, when everyone goes to sleep, and then I was like, I'd like to like, fuck the shit out of my wife.
Like, in an elaborate scenario, with lingerie.
You know what's sexy?
Where she's like, in the door for me, she's like, you're a noob.
And then she runs away a little bit cutely?
Yeah.
I think, like, look, we did all this work.
It's time for rewards.
And I want, like, basically way beyond porn.
Like, I want an elaborate Cirque du Soleil sexual room.
Yeah.
With, like, fucking strawberries.
Yeah.
But she's beat, too.
So she wants to read her book and she watches these shows about British architecture where they're like, He has completely revamped the front and what I think I find amazing about this structure is it speaks to you and when you approach it it was a pig's cabin 400 years ago and you've made it solar and you've brought it back and what you've done is you've retained the pigs So we have a pig motif, but we also have green energy.
And what's happening here is we are subsuming the history of the pig and bringing it to the man.
I'm like, I don't want to watch that.
I want to be a pig with you.
I want to get in a trough with you.
It sounds like the driest, most non-sexual stuff I've ever heard.
Yeah, it's not exactly... That's like far from playing it gay.
It's actually kind of... The host is pretty witty and interesting, but...
I just want to get wasted with her and fucking party like we did before we had kids.
But anyway, so she watches that upstairs and I go watch Tucker.
Holy shit, did I forget what I was talking about again?
No.
No, you didn't.
No, I did not.
No, sir.
No, you certainly didn't.
I turned into Denzel Washington.
No, you did not forget what y'all were talking about.
So, you're chasing the kids around and you're like... Oh yeah, the joke with the noob thing.
So, Duncan says to Johnny, and he's much older than Johnny, and I gotta say, if you're gonna have kids, do two years, two years, two years, two years.
We did two years, two years, four years.
And the problem with that is the littlest kid is kind of an alien.
Not to me, obviously.
I love him to death.
He could take a shit right now on this table and I'd think it was funny.
But with his siblings.
So, like, Duncan and Sophie understand each other and they could watch the same movie.
But Johnny, he's only six and they're ten and twelve.
And it's sort of like they're They have a pet sibling.
Yeah.
And when we're at dinner and we're all talking, I can tell... I think one of the reasons he's such a nightmare at dinner is because he doesn't know what the fuck we're talking about.
And it frustrates him.
He's third Mike.
He's third Mike.
Yeah.
Now there's... He's chiming in whenever he's got space.
There's like one game you can play, Uno, that a six-year-old can play, that a 12-year-old also has to play, but the 12-year-old's bored shitless.
Yeah.
Uno, you just like, if there's a green card, you match it with a green card.
Sure.
Yeah, that's interesting, yeah.
Because you can play bass by colors if you don't understand numbers and shit.
It's pretty simple.
You can match the number too, but yeah, it's for little kids and the older kids will play it, but it's hard.
I wish we had gotten a little closer together.
It's funny, when your wife tells you she's pregnant, you...
You are shitting your pants.
Because it's real.
It's happening.
And like this is fucking major.
Yeah.
And she's scared.
Right.
She's like, oh my god, here we go.
And you have to be the guy to comfort her?
And you have to be the stoic.
Oh yeah.
Like Braveheart guy who goes, this is fantastic.
I am so, oh my angel.
Stop shaking.
You have to be daddy.
Why are you shaking?
Yeah.
You silly fool.
It's going to be okay.
Oh my god.
And you hold her and you're like, What a gift from God!
Holy shit, here we go!
Here we fucking go boys!
And it's exactly like plane turbulence, when your wife's freaking out on a, like a Sansa jet, and it's going, and she's like, and you're like, honey, honey, it's a bus in the sky, okay?
You need to calm down again.
These are potholes.
Does a pothole when you're driving a bus make you die?
I wish I was naive as you.
It's adorable.
Meanwhile, your pantry is full of diarrhea.
We're gonna fucking die.
And then the plane lands and she goes, oh my god, we're alive.
And you go, see, I told you.
I have to go buy underwear.
For literally no reason.
Just for fun.
I mean, obviously, I don't have enough underwear.
It doesn't match my whole shit.
So anyway, I haven't explained the joke.
So, um... Wait, but about the age difference?
I think you could have a four-year difference if it's an older kid, though, right?
Because then you have this older kid that can impart knowledge on the younger ones.
Yes.
But having a four-year difference... Please, dude, you always millennial-spin.
I'm asking you a question.
I'm not spinning.
I know, but obviously to get to that, there has to be a little kid at some point.
Unless you're adopting.
Yeah, that's true.
There's a four-year difference no matter what.
So anyway, um...
So their joke is you're a noob, you're a peasant noob, Duncan is a noob, Johnny's a noob.
It's getting a little tedious, but whatever.
So Duncan was teasing Johnny.
Duncan's an idiot savant with baseball.
Because obviously I'm a genius, so my son's gonna be a genius.
And thankfully he's directed it to something meaningful, like sports.
That sounds like I'm being sarcastic, but... No, it's meaningful.
The beauty of baseball is it's infinite math.
And there's these level of nerd fans who don't even like teams.
Like, they just follow players and stats.
And in a way, that's more logical.
True.
Because these guys are nomadic millionaires.
So they're just like, Jay Bruce has gone over here, he's got a 3.34 average, and he's got this RBI.
Appreciate the game more.
Yeah.
You're not restricted to a little click.
It's almost like the Matrix.
It's just like data for them.
They see them as computer phones.
I've seen those guys.
And I think baseball... I'm a novice, obviously, but I think baseball could really benefit from that.
Like, why do we have scouts?
I don't know.
Who go around looking at these guys and saying, "Oh, he's got an ugly girlfriend.
"He's a reliable guy.
"Let's choose him." No, a computer could be working all of this out.
Ryan is holding up a shirt that says, "Baseball is life." For the audio.
He doesn't even like baseball.
It's alright.
I'm barely getting... I'm new to... I'm like a fucking 48-year-old teenager.
I'm learning about boxing, baseball, and this thing called rock and roll.
Where there's these bands called the Rolling Stones.
Have you ever heard of them?
They're pretty cool.
And Bruce Springsteen.
Punk kind of stunted my growth.
But anyway.
So he...
You know, Duncan's relaxed because he's an old man.
He's 10 and he's talking to a six-year-old.
And he says, OK, John, why don't you name some teams?
Name some baseball teams.
And Johnny's vulnerable now and he goes, there's Yankees, Red Sox, Blue Jays.
And then he goes, the Robins.
And then people laugh, because there's no such team as the Robins.
And Johnny is such a fucking alpha that he sort of cocks his head up, and he sees the whole family laughing at him.
And he's in his little fucking baby seat in the back seat.
No, it's booster seat.
He's got a booster now.
Johnny knows?
Yeah.
Oh, OK.
Yeah, yeah.
And he goes, hmm, let me see how many noobs I can name.
Uh, there's Duncan.
Uh, Duncan.
There's Duncan.
And I'm like, that's a fucking quality joke, dude.
You know what's even funny?
Like, that's a Chappelle joke.
I guarantee he's not watching Chappelle.
Best five rappers of all time.
You remember that one?
No.
Yeah, it's like a Chappelle-level joke that people quote.
What were the best five rappers of all time?
Daylon, Dylon, Dylon, Dylon, and Dylon.
Really?
Yeah.
It's literally a Dave Chappelle joke.
People quote it at my old job, my girlfriend quotes it, other friends quote it.
And by the way, like you were saying before, that's a joke that you'd want to say again, but the context is so perfect.
That's what the comic genius is.
Alright, now.
So that's the intro to the podcast.
But you can't repeat it again.
We finally repeated the podcast, and I know it's annoying to hear a dad talk about how brilliant his son is.
It's like people talking about their dogs or whatever.
Okay, so the reason I brought up abortion is we were talking about Planet Gay, and when you come up with scenarios, you have to keep the whole context involved.
For example, with abortion, people say, oh, you know, you talk to some chick and she goes, oh, I got knocked up by some black dude when I was 18 and I had an abortion.
Should I have kept the baby?
He'd be like fucking almost my age now.
And I wouldn't have had an education or a career.
I never would have met you, blah, blah, blah.
When they say that, they're taking their world which allows for abortion and then having this one case where it was illegal.
No, in the world where abortion is illegal you don't have these kind of pregnancies because that girl she remembers when her sister had to go away for a year to camp when she was pregnant to deal with that and she remembers her cousin Who's 17, who's been paying child support his whole life.
He's 23 now.
For a kid he never saw.
So in this pro-life universe, guys don't jizz in you as much.
You adapt.
Everybody adapts to it.
Because there's stakes.
But the world you and I grew up in, it was just like, go ahead, jizz.
She'll have like five abortions.
Everyone I know has had an abortion.
But many have had like five.
And it's just like, man, someone fucked up.
And I talk to guys, and I go, what happened with that?
You got her pregnant?
Did the condom break?
It's like, nah, I just came in her.
And I go, what?
What did you think was going to happen?
Was it a surprise?
He goes, yeah, kind of.
But we've been jerking off since before we could come, right?
I remember jerking off when I was 11.
My dick would just go beet red.
And I'd go, I should probably stop now, I'm going to break it.
Like, there's no jizz to come out of it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I remember getting that first dew drop.
My friend actually did it before me.
That's a t-shirt.
I remember getting the first dew drop, and it's just a little tear at the end of the R. With a little kid's dick.
And then you're like, I'm not a pedophile, I'm talking about my own dick.
Oh, it's okay.
So you know what's funny though, is my friend told me about it, it's like, yeah, stuff's gonna come out one day, I was like...
Bullshit!
And it is.
It's like a glue gun.
You just leave off and it's like... I remember telling my friend Dale Aiken that I masturbated and nothing happened, obviously, I was too young.
And he goes, you fucking masturbate?
That's disgusting!
And I go, dude, I'm kidding!
Oh my god, are you crazy?
You don't get any jokes!
I remember my friend... Gross!
Oh yeah, I masturbated!
Yeah, I really tried it.
For some reason I was talking to my friend about jerking off and he was like, oh I don't do that.
My friend Jordan, and he was such a cookie cutter clean kid, he would cry because the Vikings lost.
Because like, my dad lives in Minnesota and I know he'd be upset.
I was like, no he'd be upset that his son's fucking crying like a fag.
But he was like, no, I don't jerk off.
I was like, you're weird, dude.
I didn't back up on it.
I doubled down.
By the way, conservative gadflies who scour our podcasts for any kind of political incorrectness, when he says fag, it clearly doesn't mean homosexual.
He means fag.
I would never offend somebody because of any reason.
I think one of the problems with us is We live in a multicultural city, New York, and we talk to Orthodox Jews about secular Jews, we talk to gays about fags, we talk to blacks about blacks, we talk to Harlem blacks about Brooklyn blacks, and you end up hearing all these derogatory terms or patterns about groups, and the next thing you know, white people who don't hang out with these groups
Like, Harlem Blacks make fun of Brooklyn Blacks all the time, and they go, they don't know how to hustle, they're lazy, and they wear different pants.
Like, Brooklyn Blacks were wearing baggy pants way after skinny jeans got popular in Harlem.
Harlem?
Exactly.
And when a Brooklyn Black would get off the train in Harlem to visit his dad or something, the Harlem kids would be making fun of the Brooklyn kid for having, like, baggy jeans.
And the Harlem kids going to Brooklyn, that's a completely different story.
Completely different story.
It's almost like a different culture.
It's as different as, like, Orthodox Jews and Secular Jews.
And you know what they're doing?
They're actually, through us, because we're parroting different cultures, they're shaming those cultures via us.
They're shooting the messenger.
Meanwhile, we got the message.
You know what's another thing, too?
Spanish, they say, pendejo, maricón.
They call them culeros, which means you're a fag.
That's fag in Mexican.
Right.
And when they say fag... There's no word policing there.
When they say maricón, it's not like when you and I say fag.
When you and I say fag or gay, like that's so gay, we're kind of making fun of the way we spoke in grade school.
And I would argue that I don't want to defend that fucking Northam dude because he had that stupid ad with a truck with Dixie flags chasing down migrants.
And then he got caught with blackface.
But I would argue that That yearbook picture where one of them is a Klansman and one of them is in blackface?
No one's brought this up.
Isn't that a parody?
Of racism?
Isn't it a parody?
It's not even... Aren't you mocking the whole concept?
Couldn't that be unity, too?
Where it's like, look, a Klansman and a black guy.
Get along.
You're making fun of the taboo.
It's sort of like when I say things are gay.
I'm making fun of calling something gay.
It's not like you're trying to be sinister, clearly.
Well, you're being ignorant.
You're ignoring the death and destruction.
Yeah.
So you're going to punish my ignorance from saying the evil for being dumb?
Like, dressing up as a Nazi for Halloween used to be acceptable.
I think it's funny to dress up as a Nazi for Halloween.
And the thing is, Nazis don't like that.
Like, when Prince Harry dressed up as a Nazi for Halloween... You're stealing Valor.
Stealing Nazi Valor.
It's not like Nazis went, Nazis went, finally.
Prince Harry has arrived.
Welcome to the dark side, Harry.
And that's the funny thing about Count Dankula, where he trained his pug to Zeke Hyall, and he had to pay an £800 fine, which he refused to pay.
He's going to the fucking... He appealed that he's going to go to the Supreme Court of Scotland.
But his point was, do you think that Nazis would be happy about this fucking pug?
Nazis wouldn't go, welcome aboard, pug.
Finally, a tiny fucking plate-faced dog agrees with us about the Holocaust.
I mean, I would have preferred a human, but beggars can't be choosers.
And we'll take pugs for now.
I'll tell you what.
When we get enough pugs.
You fucking Jews.
All you Pomeranians.
We'll start with the Jew dogs.
And then eventually we'll have thousands of pugs.
Like rats.
Just combing the streets at night.
Entering synagogues.
Just devouring.
I mean obviously to eat one pug will probably take like four months to eat a person.
But eventually it'll happen.
But you know, that whole thing of, like, Klansman, uh, black dude, it's almost like, you know, like, um, a cat and a dog falling in love or something.
Like, that joke of, like, two opposites unifying.
Could be a unity thing, too, instead of, like, a, look, I'm a Klansman, I'm a black guy.
I think it's really, it really is, like, we're getting along.
Isn't that funny?
Where two things that shouldn't get along get along.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's just, it's Halloween.
Yeah.
It's, yeah.
It's silly.
For Halloween.
We're not literally a zombie.
Remember when we were trying to scare the kids?
And you came out going, yeah.
And I think I was a werewolf.
Yeah.
But we're at the beginning.
We did an episode of this.
We should probably release that on YouTube.
That was fun.
Yeah.
But we realized we weren't scaring the kids and you brought up a great point.
You go, they know we're human.
Like they don't go, oh a werewolf entered the McInnes household and so was a zombie.
They've been saving the zombie until October 31st.
What a coincidence!
And they also have candy.
What a coincidence!
The first night I've ever seen a werewolf and a zombie together is actually on Halloween where people dress up as zombies and werewolves.
We need to jump scare people.
We should get the fuck out of here.
So what we realized was They know there's a scare coming.
So I took off my werewolf mask, and I would do this thing where I'd go, hello, hi, oh my god, I'm so happy to see you.
That was good, because that got them freaked out.
And distracted and locked into you, like, what is this fucker going to do?
Where's it coming?
Where's it coming?
And my house is getting known as the Halloween house.
Oh, cool.
Yeah, because it's been a couple years now of heavy shit.
The coffin thing?
I spend $1,500 every year.
- I spend 1500 bucks every year.
And you're a race.
And people aren't used to seeing Asians in makeup.
Yeah, it's like, that is interesting.
I'm not used to it.
You don't often see an Asian with just all white on his face.
I thought I was used to the way I looked.
I didn't know you had a big nose until that night.
Oh yeah, because you had to put makeup on me.
I can't see it.
And then all of a sudden you've got this fucking giant schnoz and these weird little slits for eyes.
Somebody said I like his bell pepper nose on the cut of his jib in one of the comments.
I like this Ryan guy.
His bell pepper nose on the cut of his jib.
And we're living in a very white neighborhood, so when a zombie comes out they'll go, well at the very least it's going to be one of this old man's basketball coach friends, and he'll be a fat white guy, and then they see this weird slit eyes with your big fat Puerto Rican nose, and that adds another thing to the, and then you screamed your head off.
It's pretty much monstrous.
You know what I mean?
It really is, yeah.
Multiculturalism is monstrous.
Yeah.
You know, people come down on diversity.
It is handy on Halloween.
It's not just restaurants.
It's handy on Halloween.
Really, it's like a departure from the humanoid that you're used to already.
And then you put makeup on it.
It's really great.
I remember doing mushrooms and I looked at myself in the mirror.
I was like, what the fuck?
I felt not Asian.
And then you look at someone and you say you're an Asian.
Sometimes I feel bad about putting this in my book, Death of Cool, because I hope it didn't hurt the guy's feelings, but I grew up with this guy with a severe hair limp.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I read that chapter.
For like the first week, maybe, you notice it, and then you don't notice it anymore, and he's just the dude.
But we did really severe mushrooms, and All of a sudden, I could see it again.
Right, right, right.
And then I started thinking, like, what does it feel like to be disfigured?
And he did the weirdest thing.
We were lying on our backs, and we were looking up at the sky, and we had a matching hallucination, which I still don't understand to this day.
And it was octagons that were rotating like cogs in a wheel, but somehow they all managed to match.
Which is impossible.
You can't have a sea of hexagons or octagons rotating and matching, because the other ones would get in the way.
Cogs in a wheel make sense, because they go like that, right?
The fingers go within the fingers.
But if this octagon goes like that, it's going to jam up the other one.
They would have to push up.
They'd have to expand first.
They can't work together, but they did in this hallucination.
And I go, I'm seeing a bunch of octagons.
He could have been lying too, I just realized.
Why, because you said yours first?
Yeah.
Okay.
Or maybe I gave him the hallucination.
But dude, I'm telling you, I did ayahuasca, and one of the most memorable things of it was you're not allowed to talk to each other.
Because if you say, look at that dragon, and somebody doesn't see it, that's kind of a bummer.
We're just not allowed to talk to each other.
Well, that dude at News Wars today was talking about how much he loved sweat lodges, which is the worst experience I've ever had.
Yeah.
And he said we were doing peyote in a sweat lodge with Indians.
Oh, wow.
And we saw these green things zooming around the room, and we were having the same hallucination at the same time.
How do you explain that?
Dude, I got the chills.
Don't get the fucking chills, dude.
No, I did.
I did.
Here's what happened.
Dechill yourself.
I can't.
The first guy saw that.
He said it out loud.
The other guys were so fucking high.
How about this?
That they folded time back and they saw it.
I saw it too.
No, no.
I promise you this.
Oh my god.
I promise you this.
So, we're doing Ayahuasca.
We're not allowed to talk to each other.
And we share experiences in the morning.
And one of the things that somebody else said that I jumped up at.
I was very quiet because I was just kind of, I felt like an outsider anyway, so I just wasn't chiming in much.
- You are.
- Yeah, I am.
- Can you get me a beer?
- Yeah, is there a beer there?
- Dude, and so somebody was like, I remember, the, I looked up in the sky, it was a cloudless night, and then you looked up upstairs, up in the sky, remember the hexagons thing that you said?
It was either like snake scales, like scales from a reptile, or like a hexagon.
And it was perfect patterns with perfect lines in between, and it was clouds.
And all of a sudden the whole sky was filled with those clouds.
And I remember that specifically, and I took it in, and then the person said that, and I was like, The reason why I looked up is because the wind started blowing really hard out of nowhere.
There was no wind.
And I was like, that was right after the wind started blowing, right?
They were like, yeah, it was, we had a shared experience.
Yeah, I think there's a scientific explanation for that.
I don't, I don't think so.
I think there's a way that your eyes interpret color and shapes.
And when you do this drug all together, it fucks with that interpretation.
Like, you know the way flies see 86 images and they manage to amalgamate them?
Or even us, with our eyes, we see two things with our right eyeball and our left eyeball and it manages to amalgamate them into one thing using depth perception.
That drug sort of puts a little fucking computer virus into that process.
I hear what you're saying.
And it distorts what you see in the same way.
That happens too.
For example, everyone on mushrooms sees the walls breathing.
I think as you inhale and exhale, right, your perspective changes and your eyes counteract for that.
And they're like, I'm going to ignore the inhaling and exhaling and I'm going to make that wall flat.
When you do drugs, your body goes, fuck it, man.
The wall is going in and out.
Right.
It, like, decorrects all the things.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, but you can't make up clouds out of the sky.
I'm saying that you're absolutely right with that, but also this happened.
For sure.
No.
Oh, yeah.
Breathing walls, hexagons, fucking green lights, that's all explicable.
If there was a fucking giant elf who said, hello, Larry.
Well, now I'm going to have some trouble explaining that.
But you know that you saw it.
The hexagons?
Yeah.
Yeah, I think he did too.
But what if he said it first?
Would that... and you were like, you're not gonna believe me?
There's two things going on here.
One theory is that one guy says it first, and the other person just sees it.
The other theory is that we're all... His mind actually bends to it.
You and I are seeing hexagons right now.
And our brains are like, ignore the fucking hexagons, dude.
Like on my Land Rover, there's these thin, thin lines that are used to heat the windshield.
And they confused me my first few drives with it.
And now I can't even see them if I try to see them.
Oh, I see.
So if somebody brought it up, you'd be like, I did see that.
Because your brain did store it.
Yes.
But you're not, oh, OK, I see what you're saying.
OK, so this is when it got crazy.
So we're looking up at clouds.
And this is my book.
I go, that cloud looks like a weird fucking dude on a chariot.
Do you see that?
Because we'd both seen the hexagons.
And he goes, I see God.
You know those pin art things where you push your hand in one side and the hand comes out the other side?
And that's your face.
And God gives you your face.
And I was like, oh my God, he's getting close to the fucking cleft palate shit.
I see Garfield totally partying, smoking a dude.
Let's get the conversation going that way.
And he goes, and that's who you are forever.
Take it or leave it.
That's God's decision.
And I'm like, yeah, I totally see a guy on a skateboard saying, fuck you, dude, and doing an ollie over a giant pile of dog shit.
And he goes, do you know what I mean?
And then, when you're high, do you know what I mean?
It's like saying, I killed your mother.
You're like, stop partying, let's get serious.
And I go, yeah, yeah, I guess so.
And then he gets up, we're lying on our backs.
We're lying on our backs on the grass.
And then he leans up on his shoulder, he sits up, and he stares right at me.
And he goes, no, seriously.
Do you understand what I mean?
I should have said, like... What did you say?
I said, yeah, I know what you mean.
Anyway, and then we... And he goes, I really hope you know what I mean.
And he lies back on his back and he goes, because I'm going to ask you tomorrow about this.
Oh.
I was like, please.
Yeah, tomorrow will be great.
Tomorrow's fine.
Yeah, yeah.
We used to get so fucking high in high school.
We would do, like, piles of...
Canada, Ontario was weird.
You didn't smoke joints.
You didn't smoke marijuana cigarettes.
You would do a hash.
Hmm.
I don't know why.
Maybe it's because it's British culture.
Hash is awesome.
So you, the way you do hash is you get a big bottle, like a three liter bottle.
You put a rock in it and then you bash it against your foot until you make a hole in the base of the bottle.
Huh.
Then you break your hash up into boogers, and then with a cigarette that's inverted, so instead of holding the cigarette from your knuckles outwards, you're holding it from your knuckles inwards.
You scoop up the hash booger, and then you put it in the hole.
If a Canadian's hearing this, they're just going, yeah, it's called a bottle tote, dude.
But Americans, they sound like I'm going to the moon.
So you scoop up the booger with the hot part of the cigarette, So it catches on to it?
It catches on to it, picks it up, then you put it in the bottle, you hold it, and all of a sudden the smoke gets super white.
And you know you're cooking the hash.
And then when you see you're done, you can tell because you start seeing cigarette smoke I guess, you throw the cigarette away, someone takes it from you, and now you have a broken bottle full of hash smoke.
And then you go...
And, oh my god, I was known as the Raunch King.
I just couldn't fucking handle it.
I'd be coughing and coughing.
I'd puke sometimes.
And then you're just as high as the Straits of Gibraltar.
So that's one thing we'd do.
We'd also do shrooms.
We'd have shroom parties where all the guys would get together and we were called the Monks because we were half mods and half punks.
I kind of think this is the origin of the Proud Boys in a way.
And we would do tons and tons of shrooms at my buddy Steve's house on Halloween.
So you're hanging out with a bunch of high school guys, getting high as shit, and... Oh, wait a minute.
I gotta go back.
The problem with hash and marijuana when you're young is it takes like 10 times to get a buzz.
So we would smoke hash, smoke pot, and we'd just sit around and go... not working.
And then there was one day...
We would go to these jock parties, too.
We were kind of the weirdos.
What did you call us?
The weirdies?
We were the weirdies.
I was living in the suburbs, so there wasn't a cool punk scene.
There was no hipsters in the burbs, so there was only about... Four outcasts.
Like you guys.
Yeah, you're right.
There was four outcasts, and then there was six normies who liked being with the outcasts.
Remember those guys who go to punk shows in a sweater?
Yeah.
I'm not getting a mohawk, but I like these guys better than my normal friends.
Some of them don't even have a thing, so those people are in there like, I guess I'll try this for a little bit?
Yeah, I'm gonna hang out with punks and weirdos, even though I'm not a weirdo, but I am a weirdo.
I don't get along with football players.
But there was only like one party every two weeks, so you go to this jock party, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
They didn't like us.
No shit.
In retrospect, I'm like, we could have got along great.
One weird thing about the jock parties is, they were football players and stuff, they would have showers.
What?
I remember they'd be at a party, and they would go upstairs, like everyone was drinking beer, and they'd have a hot, hot shower.
What?
That's weirder than goth shit.
- That's weirder than goth shit. - I know, and they come down in a towel, wasted, yelling, and you could see their back knee like glowing in the sun.
It was like these fluorescent orange dots on their back.
- What the hell?
- Yeah, guys that have showers.
That is weird activity.
I don't think there were fucking chicks up there.
We were all too young.
We were like 14, 15, 16.
Maybe it was a reason to get naked?
Yeah, I think they had good bodies.
And they were like, hey!
It was like, I'm a man!
Look at me!
They were like Africans.
I don't like the poopoo.
I am a man.
I have a shower.
I am hot from the shower.
Son, when you are at a party, you take a shower so you can show off your body.
But you are not getting naked.
You show the woman your back knee, you show that it's closed, and you say, I am a man!
Pop quiz.
How do you get naked without making it socially awkward?
A shower?
Yes.
A shower.
They would eventually get drunk and kick us out, too, because they were like, these guys don't belong here.
They're not going to let us watch this.
It was sort of like a form of racism.
They didn't like these four blacks that were at the party, but they tolerated us until it was time to go.
Oh my God, I just thought of another story.
Remind me to tell you about the Eno Shenook party.
But anyway, so...
Uh, we're at this one party and, uh...
I remember if we were smoking a joint, and smoking a joint back then sucked too, because it would be a cigarette with bits of hash boogers in it.
And I don't like smoking cigarettes.
Never have.
So we're either doing bottle tokes or smoking a cigarette with hash in it, and all of a sudden, we started finally feeling it.
And this guy we called Skeeter goes, Hey man, are you feeling like little snakes go up your body?
And I felt a little giggly.
And then this guy, Peter Zabo, he just broke the ice perfectly.
He just put out his hand like this, like give me five, and he goes, slap me some skin, buddy.
It's giving me a flashback of how that would totally break, yeah.
But it was a school shooting.
It was the Bataclan.
Oh my god.
It just breaks your reality.
We had no spines anymore.
It was men in black.
We all collapsed.
It's the hardest I've ever laughed in my fucking life.
We were laughing so hard.
You know those laughs?
You don't get them after high school.
It's only high school laughs.
We were trying to put air.
And push it into your mouth.
You actually don't like laughing anymore.
I'm gonna suffocate.
You don't like laughing.
I'm dying.
You're like, please, can you stop, dude?
Like, call 9-1-1.
Yeah.
This is, I'm, I need help.
Yeah.
I'm fucking dying.
Dude.
Yes.
Screaming, laughing.
I don't know, I really wish that you, that is a great memory to have, dude.
Because I remember having that moment, but I don't remember what the trigger was.
But you remember, literally, he went like this.
Slap me first.
Slap me some skin, buddy.
Dude.
Oh my god, me and my friend.
I saw it in a movie recently too.
It was Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam and he was being a black guy and he was doing his jive thing and he said, yo slap me some skin.
And I realized Peter Zabel must have got it from that.
But then he added Bobby, which is 99% of the joke anyway.
Was there any Bobby there?
No!
He said it to Skeeter.
Slap me some skin.
And from that day on, slap me became laughing your head off.
And I stopped using it, obviously, because I've moved to a bunch of different places.
But when I go back to my hometown, I'll meet these guys sometimes and they'll be like, No, it was really funny.
We had a bunch of slap me's and we went over to Rhoda's house.
Her son just graduated college and he's happy.
And he had a bunch of slap me's.
It's a descriptive.
It's just like a word.
It means laughing your head off.
Oh, that's great.
And they've maintained the fucking vernacular.
Dude, that's amazing.
I remember once me and my friend Larry... Rest in peace.
Should you always mention the fact that somebody's dead when they're dead?
No, it's gay.
Is he gay?
Larry actually just looked down at you and went, dude... He's like, I was alive then, so don't... They don't know me.
I wasn't dead at the time.
Just tell the fucking story.
We're sitting on a log... That's not me saying that, that's Larry.
Yeah, I know.
No offense taken, but I understand, sir.
Did you ever see Old School?
Remember Blue?
I take a piss in the sink.
The old guy?
Uh, Blue, the old guy.
We're sitting there.
I'm trying to just quote a funny line from the movie Old School.
I'm trying to say, at the funeral, Will Ferrell says, Blue, you're my boy!
And I'm sitting on the log, and I'm so high I don't know what to say, but I know I want to say something funny.
No, no, this is me and Larry while he was alive on a log.
We just smoked weed.
And I'm trying to reference that part, and I go, Boy, you're my blue!
So I just flipped the line around and we laughed for about 20 minutes.
You're not here, so this story is bombing.
Oh, you can hear me though?
He just started laughing for those at home.
I can't tell you how hard I was smiling as I took over.
I fucking hate you so much.
I was sitting there pissing.
It's almost amazing.
With like a fucking Chesire grin.
Hearing you bomb to whatever recording this is on.
To a GoPro.
An app and a GoPro.
Is this dead?
Is that not even recording?
So we lost some of that footage I suppose.
Well, who cares?
I don't care about the video.
Oh, no, it's low battery.
This is an audio podcast.
Yeah, that is awesome.
Did I bomb?
It's a good story.
I like the story, by the way.
Really?
Yeah.
But it's also funny that you lost it, because so much of those super jokes are based on the context of the time.
Yes, it is.
Which is why I'm suing the SPLC, because they're killing the whole concept of context.
And cherry-picking quotes and ruining the fun.
But that reminds me, I dated this chick, Nancy Wong.
She's... I think she's with the fucking... What's it called?
Oh, I know her.
Her worst enemy is Nancy White.
She's a really cool chick.
She probably doesn't want me identifying that we ever dated, but... Sure.
She's with Sound System.
What are they called?
LCD?
LCD Sound System?
Yeah.
Nice.
But her brother's, you know, he's kind of a normie.
He's a peasant noob.
I get pissed.
But he was, you can still hear me when I talk, right?
Yes.
So he's in Amsterdam and they get super baked, as everyone does when they go to Amsterdam.
Like you're used to normal joints and going there is like...
Smoking kryptonite joints.
I don't enjoy it.
Joints were as strong as they should be when I was a teenager in 1985.
They should have stopped the technology.
The government should have said stop making these better because they've turned these joints into these fucking LSD machines where You're just, you just get too fucking big.
Like, I can't smoke pot.
My wife and I, every New Year's Eve, our New Year's resolution is, let's try to smoke more pot.
Which is more than, you know, once every eight months.
We just can't get it into our system.
It's just too much.
Anyway, so everyone who goes to Amsterdam goes, yeah, I'll have this, this, and this, and I'll try this strawberry fucking concoction.
And they get pin tunnel vision, and they go outside, and they puke on the sidewalk, and they have to go home.
It's a nightmare.
So, Nancy's brother goes there, and at the very beginning of the night, they decide that they're really gonna fucking give her.
And they smoke all the pot that they have in the shop, and all the different types.
And then they hear about some rave that's out in the country, and they go, let's do it, man.
Let's just fucking do it.
We're gonna do everything when we're here.
So they go, they get in the cab, and as soon as he gets in the cab, he shits his pants.
He shits his pants?
Yeah, enormous, just completely wets himself with diarrhea.
Fills his drawers with poo.
Oh my god.
And so he tells his buddies, I think they were all Asian by the way, so you'll like this story.
I hate Asians.
And he's like, guys, I can't go to the rave.
They're like, what are you talking about?
He's like, we've got to pull over.
We've got to get, like, wet moss or something.
Like, I've shit myself in a really bad way.
And they go, OK, I guess we're giving up on this plan because you pooed your pants?
He's like, I'm sorry.
I don't know what the fuck to do.
And then he starts kind of scoping areas that might have marsh.
And this is pre-Uber, so I don't know how he thought he was going to get back, but I don't think they cared.
So he goes, yeah, we'll pull over here.
And they go, uffen, schlappen, kupeln, lupen.
And they're like, yeah, yeah, that's, here's your fucking nine euros.
So he pulls, and he's like, sorry guys.
And they go, it's all right, man, whatever, we're fucking toasted.
And so he goes, I'm going to go over here, and I'm going to take off all my clothes, and I'll wash, I'll try to find like leaves and stuff.
And he pulls down his pants.
And he realized the whole thing was an anal hallucination.
No!
He hadn't shit his pants.
What?
He just thought he shit his pants.
Yeah.
So he has his pants at his ankles and he turns back to his friends and he goes, I didn't shit my pants!
And they go, they both go, yeah!
And they all cheer, and then they fucking laugh so hard that he, with his penis hanging out, actually starts, no, just collapses laughing.
So they have like, we're gonna die laughing.
And they laughed for like an hour at the fact that their friend is nude, like 40 feet away, in an anal cleaning area, that he had chosen from the cab.
Where he's gonna wash his buttocks and there was no need.
There was no diarrhea.
I didn't shit my pants!
You made it.
Like at his deathbed, he's gonna go, when I was a young man, I didn't shit my pants that one time that I thought I shit my pants.
But I took every precaution necessary.
I did give a lot of girls a lot of roofies.
And I killed a chicken now.
What?
No, but we used to do shrooms at Steve's house on Halloween and I remember one time, it's funny how it creeps up on you and you think it's just a bunch of guys hanging out, and then you realize we're all fucking destroyed.
We're all maniac.
And then we noticed there was a large knife on the kitchen table.
And we go, that's got to get out of here.
I don't want that here.
But no one wanted to pick it up in case they went, I'm a killer now.
Hello.
Hello, Clary.
So, we got a towel and we threw it on the knife and then we like bunched it up so it was within the towel and then we took the big ball of knife towel like into a hallway and then later on in a totally different hallway he had a house that had like a This is common in Canada.
The living room opens up into a little mini alcove.
And then there's another door that opens up into the garage.
Because everything's so freezing cold.
You need like nine layers to get outside.
So, in that little area there's usually like a laundry machine and other shitty stuff you don't care about.
Mudroom!
A long linear mudroom.
And I didn't know this was going on because there's a lot of us.
There's like 14.
I didn't know this was going on but I open up the sliding door to the alcove before the garage and it's like the fucking garbage room in Star Wars where the walls were closing in and there's like eight guys and they're all like...
And I go, what the fuck are you guys doing?
And they're not like going, oh, we're being a garbage room.
They're just, they were all monsters.
There was about five of them, and their legs were sort of intertwangled.
And then we go, have you seen the fucking mud room?
And so we would get like food, like a piece of bread, and we'd open the door and throw it in there and close it.
And they'd be like.
Like they were monsters.
Then it got crazier.
It was Halloween.
So the doorbell would ring.
And Steve would go, uh, you.
And you would have to go out there.
Holy fucking shit.
Holy fucking shit.
Children.
And there'd be like a Bumblebee and Batman going, hello!
But it was literally a bumblebee and literally Batman.
You're like, Batman's working with bumblebees.
One was like, so in your head they say hello, but what you see is, where is he?
Just like actual... I am just landed on Earth and we want your candy.
Give him his candy.
I work with him on special cases and I'm here to make sure he's okay.
Batman, you don't have to explain yourself.
You're actually Batman.
By the way, thank you so much for keeping Gotham safe and this bumblebee.
I didn't know there was tiny two-foot bumblebee people.
I'm happy to give you candy.
You eat candies?
That makes sense.
You make honey, you need sugar.
And I just remember going like...
And I remember them going, wow, thanks mister!
I think I emptied the whole thing.
But the beauty of 14 guys at a party is, the you only happens like once.
Maybe twice.
Because that's 28 visits.
So math is in your favor.
That's another good shirt.
Math isn't your favorite.
On the right here, talking directly to the camera, it's like a, from Austin to Dallas, like a three hour ride, we came up with like five shirts.
Uh, gingers won't hurt you?
Or something?
I'm impressed you can remember them all.
I think I fucked that one up.
I can't remember any of them.
They're all good.
I remember another glitch with math.
Oh wait, my regular grandpa does regular coke.
Remember the t-shirt idea?
It was bumps and one hitters.
Like a bump of coke and doing a one hitter is greater than lines and blunts.
People don't do joints anymore.
Do people roll joints anymore?
Civilized people do.
People who have enough time to roll a blunt are fucking losers.
One time I was at 2A.
Is it 2A?
Yeah, across from Handsome Dick Manitoba's on A. And I was ordering cocaine, which I'm not proud of and I will never do again.
Sure.
I hope my kids don't listen to these podcasts.
But I get in the car and it's... I was gonna say a Puerto Rican and a black, but is there a difference?
They both have the end card, but no.
They're the same.
And we get in there and I'm like doing the deal.
This is back when you just spent 20 bucks.
Now you have to spend a hundred bucks to get a whole file.
This was just like a little doop.
It's not worth anybody's time to go less than a hundred or eighty.
Yeah.
And I'm like, let's do the deal.
I realized that I'd lived in New York long enough to know that I'm not a New Yorker.
And I'm not going to try to be like, yo, what's up?
I'll just be, hello, so here is your $20 and let's get started.
And they go, yo, man, can I ask you something?
We're having an argument with this nigga.
And I'm like, OK, I'm happy to contribute any way I can.
This nigga says that you you can't get high on just one blunt and you need at least two blunts to get a motherfucking high.
I think that's bullshit.
What do you think?
I was like well my understanding is a blunt is to quote-unquote slit a cigar up the side and empty the tobacco or whatever is inside there and then fill it with I assume is at least one gram of marijuana which is What I would consider, even at the peak of my marijuana career as a young man, would be a month's supply.
Wow.
And you're talking about modern marijuana.
This is probably in 2005 or 2006, where pot was still incredibly strong.
Yeah.
So smoking an entire gram of marijuana in a large cigar surrounding More than enough to get a person high.
So I would err on the side of your argument and I would disagree with the gentleman in the passenger seat.
But no offense, of course.
And they both looked at me like...
And I went, alrighty.
That's like me answering any question that you ever ask me.
I just got out of there.
You know, it's funny too, but you don't smoke two blunts by yourself.
You smoke blunts with seven other people.
Marijuana is so fucking strong.
I tried it for a video when I was doing the ad agency, Rooster.
And I was like, I want to do a video of an old guy smoking marijuana.
So I did a massive bong hit.
Dude, I took all my clothes off.
I was lying on a cement floor just to get the cool air.
You know, you want the coolness.
And I thought, I have to dial 9-1-1.
But the thought of, like, the gurney, and the whole process, and going down the stairs, and the elevator, like, waiting.
Like if I lived near a hospital, I just would have gone to the hospital.
Sure, sure.
But it was remarkably unpleasant.
Yeah, I don't get panic attacks or anything like that, but every time I smoke too much weed, I feel like I'm going to get a call from somebody saying that somebody I love has passed away.
That's always the thing.
I get high where I'm like, I turn off my phone, because if you were to text, like every time you email me, I'm like, oh shit.
This is my call to duty.
I know we're friends, but I have some shit to do.
If I get an email or text from you, like, I'm... Dude, where's that video from today?
Well, a lot of them are bad.
I know.
Like the fucking hidden... Why is there a podcast hidden?
I tried to log in, but the email, instead of... It's not blank at blank surplus dot com.
It's blank surplus at blank dot com.
So I got that wrong.
But here's the thing.
Can't you log into it now?
I'd have to log out of mine.
I don't remember mine either.
Well, I have my laptop here.
Anyway, let's not bore the people with minutia.
But yeah, I'm always afraid after I get high that I'm going to get some sort of important call to duty.
Yeah, you know what?
Drugs... Let's make something clear about drugs.
For the kids at home.
Marijuana is a harmless drug.
In the sense that you're never going to OD and it can make things funnier, especially in movies, it makes sex better, but it is a vice and it is bad for some shit.
It makes you lazy, it makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning, it hurts your grades, it kills your It kills all libido.
It's not just your sexual libido, but it kills your like, I don't think I want to be a photographer.
So in your formative years, it's bad to be a fucking pothead.
If you can save it for a special occasion, that's smart and I can see it being advantageous.
But when it becomes part of your culture and you're the pothead at the school like Jeff Spicoli, You just fucked yourself.
All right, that's that one.
Cocaine... It's kind of good for business.
If you went out the night before and you don't want to go out and there's a client in town.
I've made a lot of money off cocaine.
As a young man.
When you get to my age, you can't do it because you'll have a heart attack.
I don't know of anyone who OD'd on cocaine.
I've known a few people to empty their bank accounts.
They go to rehab.
It's kind of like pot.
It's kind of like booze.
Um, meth?
The harmlessness is almost the thing that's bad about it.
Yeah, because you're so functional on it.
Meth?
Now we're getting into a different area.
And I think it has a 99% rate of recidivism.
You're up for four days.
What does that mean?
When you quit, you go back.
Oh.
Well, I've done... I've had about a two-month period where I would... I don't even know how much it is, because I don't do meth, but I got a chunk given to me because I asked for Adderall, and this drug dealer didn't have Adderall.
So they were like, try this.
And I looked it up on Reddit to make sure I would do it safely, and there's this thing called microdosing that a lot of people do.
And I was like, well, I'll do that.
Never snorted, never smoked it, but you put it under your tongue or mix it with a yoo-hoo, something that coats your stomach.
And then I never went back to it.
And not only that, I got an offer to go back to it.
And I knew this was the most, like, the most addictive shit in the world.
But you just, I sparse that little amount throughout like two months.
So it was like, and I actually, when I got arrested at the NYU thing, that's why I got in trouble.
Not for defending myself against a tall fascist, You know, Antifa guy, who is way taller than me.
They found meth in your wallet?
Yeah.
I told them about it before they even took it out.
I was like, listen, you're going to find a little surprise in there.
Why'd you tell them about it?
Because they were going to find it anyway.
Would they have?
Anyway, I'm getting worried about my kids here.
Uncle Ry Ry would never do that.
Speed is bad, but Adderall says amphetamine sulfate on the bottle.
So an entire generation of college students are speed addicts.
They do as much speed as Lemmy did, and he created Motorhead.
And if you listen to Motorhead, they're very fast.
Aces of spades!
Post-Aces of spades.
Look at late Motorhead, and you just hear People on speed.
All right, so we got all those drugs.
They're all bad.
But wait, that is the Adderall thing.
It's so casual to do that.
I've had an Adderall in my drawer that I have not touched because I know it's a whole fucking two days.
I think this is like the problem with Boomers and Gen X. Boomers and Gen X don't get what Adderall is.
It's fucking speed.
I see women taking it.
If you do five milligrams at 7 a.m., five milligrams at 7 a.m.
and have a coffee, That night at 11 p.m., like 1 a.m., you might get to sleep.
And that was however many hours before.
The kids today are doing 80 milligrams.
Dude, I think if you and I did 80 milligrams... I would die.
I think we might have a heart attack.
Yeah.
My heart's not very strong.
Like, we would... I don't think we could... I literally don't think we could do 80 milligrams.
You know what?
If you take a little bit too much Adderall, You think you're going to get this essay done or this podcast, not podcast, video edited, but you wind up thinking of something else.
Oh, I'll just start doing that.
And now you're just fucking doing like three different things.
Yeah, I was told the trick is like if you have to do your taxes, you start doing your taxes.
I'm not advocating for Apple.
You start doing your taxes and then you take the hit and then you stay on that.
Right.
I met a lot of guys who would call Adderall Dadderall in New York because you work all day and you come home and you have to fucking tickle someone if you're calling Johnny a noob.
You're too tired.
But with Adderall you can go like you do like a 10 hour day.
You have a maker's mark at the bar after.
You get home and you're still ready to rock.
You're cooking dinner.
You're making money.
You make money all day and then you're the best dad in the universe.
Dadderall.
I met a journalist at the New York Times who wanted to do a story about it and every dad role dad I knew wouldn't talk to them because they didn't want to mix it up.
Drugs are bad for you.
They're a vice.
Alcohol's bad for you.
These are things we have to recognize.
Our worst nightmare as parents is our kids drinking and driving.
Marijuana, it's not gonna kill you, but it's not good for you during your developing years.
Same with cocaine.
Meth is just fucking insane.
What are you talking about meth?
Adderall is meth.
Ritalin is meth.
Alright, so we got all that out of the way.
Now there's a totally different category.
Psychedelics?
No, okay, let's mention psychedelics.
LSD, it's kind of good for you, I think, to try once or twice.
It expands your brain.
Seven, eight times, when it starts becoming a habit, I think it leads to insanity, schizophrenia.
It breaks your brain.
But I think, I'm not sure about how I feel about my kids, but I don't think it's unhealthy to have tried a hallucinogenic once.
The Indians do peyote all the time.
Magic mushrooms, LSD.
A lot of—I got this book, Rules for Radical—not Rules for Radicals, obviously, but Radical—what's it called?
Anyway, it's this book where all these scientists who tried acid, James Watson, who helped sequence the genome, and Steve Jobs, they said that acid helped them.
So I think in very small doses, hallucinogenics have a good argument.
MDMA, GHB.
Sure.
Recreationally, you go to a dance club.
I wasted the 90s on that shit.
It milks your emotions, though.
Yeah, you get really depressed on Monday.
Hence the band.
Happy Mondays.
Manic Mondays?
Happy Mondays?
Happy Mondays.
Fuckface.
Manic Mondays.
What are you, my mother-in-law?
Fuck, man.
So all those drugs, blah, blah, blah.
So those are drugs.
And they're very dangerous.
You have to keep your wits about you.
And as a parent, I'm obviously totally paranoid about them fucking up with any of those.
But that's a category, right?
Got it.
Now there's a separate thing.
I wish these weren't called drugs.
Opioids are a different universe.
They should be called, like, flugs.
Like, uh...
Like, uh, plugs.
How about, how about, uh, hell tastes?
Hell tastes?
It's like hell hors d'oeuvres.
Then it's hell tastes.
Yeah.
Like, all those other things are, are up there with overeating.
Those are civilian shit.
Opioids is... Planet gay.
Is, is gambling with the devil.
Yeah, it's planet...
Fuck everything.
What's that song where the guy's, like, playing blackjack with the devil?
Devil Went Down in Georgia?
The Violin Battle.
Yeah, the Violin Battle.
That's what opioids is.
And you've lost a friend recently.
Yeah.
I've done opioids and I know why you keep doing them.
Well, the thing with opioids is... But that's why you stop doing them, too.
They feel good, sure.
You feel like Logie.
It's like seven supermodels are giving you a blowjob at the same time.
In your stomach.
But you can get that from like a Xanax, a beer, and a joint.
We're just treating people nicely.
You can get close to there.
You can get close to there.
Say heroin is a 9.
You can get to a 7.5 or an 8 without risking dying.
And I always say this to young people.
I go, there's two hot chicks in front of you.
That chick is a 10 and she has AIDS.
This chick is an 8 and she does not have AIDS.
Um, you can't wear a condom, who do you want to fuck?
Yeah.
Fucking hate.
That's a great point.
There's no need to fuck a tan.
You're right.
Opioids are not worth the risk.
Yes, they feel slightly better than other drugs, but you're going to die.
Sure.
And you know what's so ironic about it is you start loving stuff again, and you're like, you want to clean your room and like improve your life, but it's over.
If you keep doing it, it's just over.
So all the things that you're loving is gone.
I think of my friend Dash Snow.
Like, I've had so many friends die from heroin, and I think my attitude was always, fuck you.
And then for some reason... You grumpy Adam?
Like, you're like, you fucking idiot?
Yeah, like, you fucked up, you stupid asshole.
Right.
I've heard that before, but I don't feel the same.
But with Dash, I don't know why I ran out of apathy, but I just went, I started crying.
And I thought of his daughter and his wife.
I don't know if they were married.
His baby mama.
And I honestly...
I think that there was this demon on his shoulder and this is totally made up obviously I have no evidence but I feel like because what happens when you OD is your lungs forget to breathe so you suffocate right and I feel like as he was drifting away you know we hear these stories of like the light and you get called to death and then you go no I'm not gonna do it you You come out of the water or something and you're like, I'm not gonna... Your body fights to survive.
Under any circumstance it fights to survive.
You sense you're near the edge and you go... Your body doesn't let you die.
It's not supposed to happen.
It doesn't let people you love die.
Your adrenaline lifts up a fucking car and shit.
So there's a turning point where you can sense you're going past the point of no return.
And I'm just obviously just making this up, but I feel like Dash...
Snow was sort of drifting and drifting and he goes, uh oh, I feel like the lungs are going to shut down soon.
And then there was a demon on his shoulder, the heroin demon.
I'm honestly starting to believe that Satan lives in certain drugs.
Not all drugs.
He doesn't live in pot.
Evil is real.
But he lives in fucking heroin.
And he said to Dash, let's just go.
Let's go.
Right.
But what about my daughter?
Your daughter, she'll be fine.
Let's go.
You think you feel good now?
You want to know the ultimate joy?
Nothing.
Nothing.
Come with me to the abyss.
You think this feels good?
And it does feel good.
But I want to take you to pure blackness.
And that's a moment.
Come with me to pure blackness.
And you might go, yeah, let's try it.
Let's try it.
- We'll just try it. - Fucking black. - And he's dead. - Yeah.
And then he's just a rotten cadaver.
And he's at the funeral home and they're pumping out his blood.
See, that I never pictured.
You're not like floating in outer space.
You're not this cool creature.
You're just like a guy and they're taking your pants off and putting like tuxedo pants on your weird dead legs and putting like black socks on your dead foot and then a shoe.
It doesn't matter if the shoe fits.
Right.
It's not going to hurt your foot.
Sure, right.
And then they put some rouge on your cheeks.
Oh my god.
And then cremated, too.
It's like, your body just burned alive.
The hand that gave me handshakes, and, hey, come in here, and hug you.
Burned alive?
Burned.
Yeah.
Dead.
Well, I think they have the person you looked at is now just either rotting or burned purposely or like touched by some strangers that are like joking while they're doing it.
Dude, so on Friday I fucking... Hold on, this fucker's pants are... I fucking hate the Rams.
The coldness.
I don't want them to go near the Super Bowl.
Oh, man.
It almost makes me want to do it myself.
Well, I'll fucking dress him up and shit.
You guys don't care about this fuck.
To you, he's a fuck.
To me, he's my fucking best friend.
I've only lost my best friend to drugs.
I've lost other people in our town to drugs, like numerous, but you never think you're gonna lose your back.
So, for those of you who just tuned in, welcome back to the Cheery Podcast.
What we like to do is uplift you.
Remember that demon thing that you were saying?
It's like that shared experience, where you can't confirm whether the devil's sitting there like, let's just fucking go.
But, That's the one shared experience you can't be like, yeah, I had that demon say the same shit to me.
Exactly, yeah.
I mean, I've heard of these guys like Shane Smith, the guy I started Vice with.
His dad almost died in a sailing accident and he got all tangled up in the fucking ropes.
I don't know about sailing.
Me neither.
And it went upside down and it started sinking.
So he's going down, down, down, down.
Whoa.
And he's wrapped up in all these cords.
That's hell.
And he goes, I'm gonna die.
And he realizes, and it's sinking fast.
That sucks.
And he, I'm getting, I'm fucking panicking thinking about this.
I wish you could have been there while it was happening and just been like, with a scuba suit and go, do this, this sucks.
Dude, I can't save you.
Dude, you're gonna die.
Dude, they're all locked up in burlops!
Shane likes to embellish, so I don't know how much is true, but apparently Charles had this epiphany where he went, fuck this.
I'm not going to die.
And he started like, bye bye.
Like ripping the cords out of the rivets that they were held on to.
The thing that's not supposed to do that.
And like getting it off of him, the sail.
Almost risking, what's that thing you get where you go up too fast, like the bends?
I don't know what it's called.
Yeah, missing the bends.
So I think we all have this instinct where we sense the turning point and our body goes, dude, let's fuck it.
Everything.
And I think heroin gets on your shoulder and goes, I know you want to say like, let's fucking do this.
Like you're Mr. Charles, Mr. Sailor, and you're going down with the ship.
That's not you, dude.
That's gay.
Don't do that.
Trying is for fat.
Trying is for fat.
Come with me into the abyss.
It's awesome.
There's chicks there.
Everyone's goth.
The elevator girl playing the keyboard, why can't I be you?
And you're gonna be the leader.
You're gonna be the leader of the hell goth scene.
And the guy's like, you're probably lying, but you know what?
Fuck it.
You drive a heart and no brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr You know what's crazy?
I think my theory is you start thinking about everybody you love and stuff because you're pretty much saying bye to it.
Because every time it would come up, you'd be like, dude, you're my best friend.
Hey mom, how you doing?
Because you're just pretty much saying bye because you're like detached from it all.
You're like, bye, I love you.
It's a big goodbye.
I've talked about this on the show before, but the best book on heroin Addiction and overdoses.
The guy's sister who wrote the book to him?
Yeah, Harris Whittle's sister.
Everything is Wonderful and Horrible or something.
And it's written as a letter to him.
And I wish these junkies could realize that while you're self-indulging and thinking about being the head of the goth thing in the afterworld and just like it's It's more self-indulgent than someone who just beats off 50 times a day.
You're sub-wanker.
Your soul is getting a cheat code.
I've seen Philip Seymour Hoffman on the cover of Rolling Stone.
I remember Drake was all pissed.
Drake?
Drake was going to be on the cover of Rolling Stone, but Philip Seymour Hoffman scooped him by dying.
Oh.
And I resented Philip Seymour Hoffman being on the cover of Rolling Stone because he was such a fucking junkie that he had-- he realized I have kids, and I don't want them seeing my syringes and heroin and shit.
So instead of going, I should stop, he goes, I'll just have my heroin apartment.
So he had another apartment like four doors down where he would focus.
Great band, by the way.
Their cover band.
And their album cover has Philip Seymour Hoffman on the front.
The Rolling Stone cover.
So that was just his heroin house.
Now, you know what?
I can forgive you if you have a coke house.
If you're like, I love coke and every four days I like to put on 80s music and cut out some lines in my coke apartment.
I mean, I think you're fucking weird, but that's not ruining lives.
But when you have a heroin apartment... Everything is horrible and wonderful.
Everything is horrible and wonderful.
When you have a heroin apartment, you know you're gonna die.
You have a death room.
I don't have the data, but I would say 2% of heroin addicts can do it in the long run.
You have a coffin with a bed and a couch in it.
Yeah, and you have fucking kids.
Before I had kids, if there was a bar fight, I've said this a million times, if there was a bar fight, the first thing I would do is grab my phone and run over there and try to get basically white world star.
Like, I want to get this.
And I got some great fights.
Now that I have kids, if there's a bar fight, I'm out the back.
I'm Precious Cargo.
I don't have kids and I would never do that.
If I was at a bar and some little woman was being hit by a dude, I would intervene.
But outside of really obvious justice, I don't want to get any trouble.
Obvious Justice is a good one.
Obvious Justice are playing at the Rickery Lounge at the Hardcore Festival with Gorilla Biscuits.
They're opening for Gorilla Biscuits.
And the Slap Me One Bobby I think is their opening.
Give me a slap, Bobby?
Did I forget it already?
You forgot it already, but it's still, even if you got it right, slap me some skin, Bobby.
Fuck.
Maybe the slap me's?
We call them slap me's now.
The slap me some skins and Bobby.
All right, this podcast is running out of steam.
So we started this talking about being a dad and your kids being funny.
And then we got into drugs.
And Planet Gay.
And one of the problems with the right is they have this conservative and socially conservative view that there's like the good people with the suit and ties.
And then there's the hippies who get up to all that degenerate stuff.
I I want to be a conservative on the degenerate side and say, hi, I'm here with the hippies and the degenerates and the weirdos, and I want to say that a lot of them are fucking up bad, but a lot of them are doing a fine job.
There's a lot of functioning potheads that you conservatives don't need to vilify.
There's a lot of cool gay dudes that aren't trying to sabotage Christianity.
I'm here sort of in the eye of the storm going it's important that we differentiate within the left between the psycho ex-girlfriends that are getting everyone fired and the normal left-of-center liberals who just like I don't know they're not entrepreneurial they don't respect the free market as much as I do they seem to have faith in the government but they're not evil and even within the world of drugs
There's marijuana, there's some guy that does cocaine on the weekends.
They're not a risk to society.
But the beauty of fucking talking about all this is we can differentiate between things like a joint and opioids.
And I think our young people have to know.
I sound like Steve Harvey now.
I've been listening to your words and I've been talking to the young people.
I've been thinking my thoughts.
I've been thinking my thoughts.
I've been eating my eats.
But when there's discourse, when there's dialogue, when the curtains are open and you say... I'm speaking to conservatives now.
Guys, yes, you're right.
Drugs are bad.
Marijuana is bad.
But there's things that are more bad and less bad.
And coke and all that other stupid shit, it's just like bad for you like booze is bad for you.
Then there's opioids.
Then there's fentanyl.
Difference between a middle finger and touching a stranger in the face.
Because when you just go, don't do drugs to kids, they go, well, fentanyl and pot are the same.
Kids, don't do drugs, but if you're going to do drugs, understand that there's different categories and there's stupid drugs like pot and then there's a fucking Russian roulette like fentanyl and oxy and opioids and heroin.
That is spinning the chamber.
And this is a problem with the SPLC trying to shut down dialogue.
We're ruining nuance.
And nuance is fascist.
The death of nuance is the birth of fascism.
And if you can't tell kids that there's a difference between pot and fentanyl, then they try pot and they go, that wasn't so bad.
That horror movie just became way scarier, but I'm fine.
Or that comedy just became way funnier.
I think I'll try heroin.
No, I want to be there to go, no, no, no, there's different types of drugs.
You took the scary movies are scarier, funny movies are funnier drug.
This is the Russian Roulette drug.
They're in a totally different universe.
It's true.
You know what it does too?
It turns people into fucking robots because it's binary.
Either you're 0 or 1.
Bam!
That's it.
No nuance, no color.
It's Soviet.
It's Russian.
And I was talking to our buddy Chuck about that and he said, no dude, it's worse than Soviet Russia.
He said, In Soviet Russia, you would do the gulag, you'd be punished for your wrong think, and then you're rebooted and you're fine in society.
In our society, once you're a racist, you're Jerry Sandusky.
Even if you were a bona fide racist, which is rare, you can never be redeemed.
But it's worse than that.
If you're accused of racism, or you knew a racist, or you fucking said hi to a racist, you're still irredeemable forever.
So in a way, America's become less free than Soviet Russia.
And why the fuck do I have to talk on encrypted apps?
Why do I have to hide from nerds?
Why do I have to say, like, oh, I had a donut with, uh... You know what's funny?
I have a picture with somebody very unsavory, and they came up to me, recognized me, and took a picture with me.
I didn't know who the fuck they were.
Turns out they're very unsavory.
What do you mean unsavory?
Like Antifa?
No.
Like, uh, far... Like, super far right.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
But I didn't know who the fuck they were.
I was...
Yeah, you're in a picture with him now.
I like Trump, that's it.
Right, right, right.
Anyway, so, you know, it's like, what, I'm hiding from some nerd who has too much time on his hands?
Fuck you.
How about fuck you?
How about whatever?
Do whatever you want to me, because there's two ways to go about it.
You're careful, Or you're like, if you're going to be a fucking nerd and try to rat me out, you're a tattletale and a fucking pussy, and fuck you.
But also, you have to live in so much fear that when someone goes to take a picture with you, you start panicking and go, who are you?
What's this?
No, I'm not taking a picture with you.
I don't want to question my fellow man.
That's Russia.
I don't want to be paranoid.
That's North Korea.
I don't want to be in a picture with you.
You might be part of the resistance.
You might be part of the evil group.
You know what, I take all their power away from it by, I'll fucking walk into the ocean of fucking exile if I want to, but I'm not gonna fear some fucking nerd looking for like, oh he fucking took a picture of this person.
Tattletails.
Fuck him.
Turgeon tattletails.
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