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Jan. 31, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
50:32
Get Off My Lawn Podcast #110 | Yes Coppercab I accept your challenge

There's a bunch of hodge-podge in this ep. Gavin agrees to a melee with a buffed up Coppercab, small updates on Jussie Smollet thing, some cringe confessions, Ryan's cringy "Stand Up" video, and more.   PLEASE ANSWER THIS QUICK SURVEY! https://survey.libsyn.com/getoffmylawnpod

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Time Text
Yes, Copper Cab, I accept your challenge.
Copper Cab is a, you probably know him as the Gingers Have Souls guy.
I think South Park said Gingers Don't Have Souls.
That was a whole episode, and he's a redhead.
And he made a viral video that became very popular where he lost his temper.
And he claimed that, no, South Park, you're wrong.
Gingers actually do have souls.
So take it back.
And it went viral.
He's remained viral ever since.
He keeps coming up with new stuff.
I think his dad died.
He lives with his Mima down south.
He was a woman for a while.
Claire Cottrell.
His real name is Michael Cottrell.
He was a woman for a little while.
I don't know if he still is.
He doesn't look very feminine to me.
But I like my sort of cup of joe in the morning is I go to Reddit and I check public freakout.
And then I go over to Reddit Cringe when it just hurts to watch.
And so I'm scrolling through Reddit Cringe, which I'll often recognize something about myself on there.
Someone talking about me.
And this time, this copper cab was challenging me to a fight, a duel, a fist fight, a boxing match.
So let's play a little bit of that.
Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin.
Sounds like a dragon.
You think that you can get banned from Twitter, okay?
The moment I start getting fucking ripped and putting in fucking weight at the gym, earning, burning, getting laid, And getting paid, baby.
It's getting laid.
You think you're gonna just fucking run away?
Huh?
Tuck your tail between your legs and scurry off like a little dirt rodent?
Huh?
You think you can run from me?
I earned.
Can you just pause it for a second?
So for those of you who can't see, he's in a gym right now.
He's wearing a tank top.
He does look pretty ripped, and he's not a small guy.
I think he's over six feet.
And he's half my age.
So it's not going to be a very good fight for me.
But as far as Claire Cottrell goes, he's completely bald with a big red beard.
I mean, that is a hell of a bulldyke we got going on here.
And my last question before we restarted is, are other people in the gym?
What are they thinking when they hear this?
I don't believe so.
I thought I saw someone mulling around.
That was a mirror.
Okay.
That was him and the, yeah.
So what did he rent a gym?
I don't know.
I mean, a lot of these gyms are 24 hours, so he could just be in there.
Oh, right.
He's there at four in the morning.
A fight with you, Gavin.
A proper fight.
I've been growing my beard.
I've been shaving my doom.
I've been getting doom.
Oh, I want it, Gavin.
Licking his lips.
I want it!
I deserve it.
I want to fight you, okay?
In the ring.
New York.
I'll come to you, Gavin.
It's not good that he's out of breath and he's just speaking loudly.
So I think that's the only thing I'd say that.
Otherwise, are you kind of scared?
No.
He looks pretty big.
So?
What's the worst that can happen?
He knocks me out.
I mean, it's not a knife fight.
Yeah, that's true.
It's some boxing match with gloves on and a ring.
Ding ding.
The worst case scenario is you get a KO.
He seems unhinged, though.
He does have foreign objects.
I'm doing this because he's been on our show, and here's my plan.
When we relaunch this new show, oops, I just gave it away.
We're building it now.
It's going to take a few months to build the site.
So I want to make it the fight exclusive on the site.
We can't sell tickets to it here because it'll get mobbed and death-threatened and Antifa to death.
But we'll do it at a gym.
We'll shoot it.
And then it'll be like you come on, you subscribe to my new show, and you get to see the fight.
And I've talked to, well, I'm telling him now that I've talked to gyms and I have a place set up.
And I'm telling Copper Cab publicly, yes, I accept your offer.
But I don't want people to think that this is a thing now.
I'm not Conor McGregor.
I'm a 48-year-old man.
So you don't just get to fight me whenever you want.
Yeah, this has been building up between you and him for a while.
This is personal.
I think there was a turning point with us when I said, where is your father?
You look like you have no father.
And then he said, my father died when I was a young man.
I said, what did he die of?
Shame?
Oh, my God.
We've been at odds ever since that particular quote.
I thought it was a pretty good one, though.
That's good.
But yeah, there's this guy, Christopher Pontanellini Cini Picciglioni.
And he's this Nazi skinhead who managed to not be a Nazi skinhead.
And now he goes around the country preaching the dangers of hate.
And he's got a show on CNN, I believe, now.
I've known him for a long time.
He used to be the manager of a non-racist kind of oi skinheady band called Flatfoot 56 that used to do my theme song.
Courage.
Great band.
Although they stopped letting me use their music after Proud Boys became too popular.
Yeah, that was a bummer.
But he used to manage them.
And he stopped and then he sent me this book.
And it was a transcript of his book.
And it was just this massive binder.
I don't know the guy.
And I'm supposed to read that.
So he goes, can you have a look at this and give me some notes?
And I go, no, dude.
I'm not.
Who am I?
I don't even know you.
Like, what a huge favor to ask.
Oh, you got him there.
What's his name?
It is Christian Piccolini.
So he's got a show.
So he's been pushing this and nagging me.
And then it was after that, I didn't read his book, and he wanted to fight me.
And let's give the proceeds to charity.
And he kept talking about it.
I'm like, dude, you don't just get to fight people that you don't like.
Like, do you think I get to call up Jon Stewart and say, in the ring, Stewart, next week?
And then Chris Hayes, week after that.
You don't get to just go through these people that annoy you and get to punch them, especially if they're not pro-fighters and that's not what they're about.
I mean, a debate, facts-wise, is reasonable.
You know, facts-wise, a vocal debate.
What am I trying to say?
As opposed to what kind of debate?
A penis debate?
That's like human history.
A smelling debate.
We can have a word debate that Steve Harvey said of the Jussie thing.
Boy.
I've been hearing other people's words.
As opposed to tasting them?
You mean English?
You mean what people are saying?
I've been hearing people's words.
I've been hearing their words, and I got you back, Jussie.
He kept calling him Jesse.
It's Jussie, dude.
He's your brother and you have his back.
Learn his name.
It's Jussie.
But anyway, that Christian dude, so he even contacted me recently and he goes, oh, the hate, man, doesn't it just start eating you up inside?
What are you talking about?
Whoa.
And the irony, there's a few guys like this who are ex-Nazi skinheads who go around preaching love and stuff.
And I'm sorry, guys.
You were Nazi skinheads.
You don't get to preach to us the dangers of hate and how we need to be better people.
That's like a guy getting busted for shoplifting and then doing a speaking tour about, you know, you got to understand that companies, they spend a lot of money.
And when you rob, when you steal even gum from CVS, that hits their bottom line.
They have to start raising prices.
So you're robbing from all of us.
Yeah, I know.
That's why I don't steal.
Why do you get the right to come and preach to us, you big fat Italian Nazi?
Like, I'm not saying, okay, you did your penance and you're sorry that you're a Nazi.
Fine.
Like the guy who was arrested for shoplifting, he doesn't shoplift anymore.
Cool.
Great.
All right, you're fine.
Come on back into society, dude.
You paid your debts, but you don't get to preach to the rest of us about something you did.
So you're the shoplifter and you're preaching to me about shoplifting.
I never shoplifted.
You were the Nazi.
You're going around the world.
And of course, these guys, they never deal with Islamic hate.
They're totally focused on Richard Spencer and Charlottesville and Nazis, Nazis, Nazis.
They're not in Dearborn, Michigan.
They're not in Luton.
They never talk about the West Side Highway.
Ham Tramc, Michigan.
It's another huge population of Muslims.
Yeah.
Isn't that weird?
They don't talk about that jihadist camp where the kid was starved to death.
I can't believe people forgot about that.
This guy's getting away with misdemeanors.
No.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Yeah, the judge lets him go.
He's devoted to stopping Nazi skinheads.
When was the last time you saw a fucking skinhead?
Like a Nazi skinhead?
I'd like to ask him, how many people killed people that you'd know when you were there?
Did you know people that had killed folks?
You'd be like, no, but we hated people behind their backs.
Oh, okay.
It sounds awful, trust me, but let's devote our lives to stamping it out.
And in this era, when everyone is talking about, hate has no home here.
Of course, he looks reasonable.
It's like, yeah, you know that hate that's everywhere?
I'm working to stamp it out.
Anyway, so yeah, I'm going to fight Copper Cab.
He'll probably win, but I'll definitely get some great shots in.
You know the secret to boxing when you're an old man?
Don't have elaborate combinations, like a left, right, uppercut, uppercut, left.
You're not going to get four or five punches in, my friend.
You'd be lucky to get a one-two.
Very lucky to get two in.
So just focus on him being open and focus on punching him in the face.
That's it.
That's all you're going to get.
Don't have any big elaborate plans and be in shape.
Going one round is torture.
Going four rounds?
Oh, yeah.
So what else did I want to talk about?
This is kind of going to be a hodgepodge app because we're done talking about Copper Cab, right?
Yeah, I'd say you covered it.
I mean, it's going to be a heated battle.
All right, Jussie.
So back to yesterday's episode.
I've had a lot of people emailing me, and we were very confused by the letter.
It's weird to be that premeditated, right?
And to say, I'm going to do it.
Then this is looking like a hoax.
Although his roommate came out and said, no, roommate, sorry, someone else in his building came out and said, I saw a mysterious character in the building.
But that, when you look, pull up that story.
Pull that shit up.
Pull that up, Jamie.
Pull that shit up, Jamie.
She says he had wool socks and floods on and camel-colored shoes and a rope that could have been used for a noose sticking out of the bottom of his sweatshirt.
It just...
on the TMZ one.
It just looks...
First of all, you describe this guy who sounds like he's dressed like a Rastafarian or something.
And the rope, the murder weapon, just happened to be hanging out of the bottom of his sweatshirt.
Wait.
Did earlier, did it not say camo?
It said camel.
Oh, it's cameled?
What the fuck is camel-colored shoes?
It's very specific.
Yeah, that is odd.
Okay, listen to his outfit.
You're going way too slow for me.
Oh, I got it.
You want me to read it?
Well, read his outfit.
Yeah, okay.
The woman who asked not to give her name tells TMZ she walked out the door around 12.30 a.m. to let her dogs out.
She saw the guy, and he looked as such.
He was smoking a cigarette.
He looked at a place.
He was a white man with scruff on his face wearing a blue winter beanie, a blue zip-up sweatshirt with a hood, and blue jeans that were too short, exposing thick gray hunting socks with wool.
What are hunting socks?
You mean wool socks?
Yeah, I don't know.
This is the most confusing.
Camel-colored dress shoes.
That is the most detailed description of a perp I've ever heard, but it gets weirder.
So she said she woke up at 4 a.m. to go to the gym.
What are you, a fucking Olympian?
And noticed a lot of security.
She says to the concierge, the concierge told her that Jussie was just attacked and implored her to call a detective.
He gave her two phone numbers.
And then the DMZ says, she made contact that afternoon and downloaded a detective.
I guess we're living in Blade Runner now, and the detectors are holograms.
They're downloadable detectors.
That is weird.
Hello, I am your detective.
I understand you want to make a report.
Yes, thank you.
Thank you for appearing in my living room, detective.
So they must have spelled something wrong there, like contacted, I guess, was the word it was supposed to be.
Downloaded.
But she made contact that afternoon.
That's 12 hours later.
No one is curious.
Like, no one's going through this with their bullshit detector.
So this is my belief now, and it's just a theory.
So don't freak out.
But I think that neighbor's lying.
I think Jussie cried to her and said, Barbara, I'm in over my head here.
These people don't believe me.
And it happened.
I promise you it happened.
And she goes, I'll handle it.
Just tell them.
And she goes, I'll say I saw someone.
Look, I don't want to get involved in that, but just say that.
I don't know.
Just tell them the truth.
Tell them it's true.
And she goes, don't worry, Jussie.
And she's probably so thrilled to have a cool black gay friend in such a fancy building there because they're in a really ritzy part of Chicago.
So those kind of people, they all want a black friend really bad to give them some depth.
So she was probably like, yeah, my friend's in Empire.
He's the black gay guy.
Holy shit, that's a cool friend to have.
That's better than like a blind friend.
Or a friend, like an old black guy who plays the blues.
That's a cool friend.
Like Stevie Wonder, blind, black plays the blues.
Yeah, he plays.
But still very cool.
He plays wide, right?
He also plays on Louis Farrakhan's new hit, box set.
That's right.
Along with Snoop Dogg.
No, no.
Is Gaga on it?
No.
Some other female impressive person.
Let me see.
Anyway, so here's my new theory.
And I've been talking, it's amazing how many females listen to this show.
I got all these women emailing me, sending me nudes.
No, emailing me theories, but, oh, I know why, because it's gossip.
We're talking about TMZ here.
But I think the letter's real now.
The letter's real.
He's a famous guy, right?
Famous gay guy.
Some black dude probably caught himself rubbing one out thinking about him.
And he punched a hole in his wall because he was so mad at himself.
And then he sent Jussie.
He's probably like 14, 13, 14.
And then he sent Jussie that letter saying, die, dick fag, gay.
Dick fag.
Well, it was something like that.
It was really gay management.
It was.
You die, black fag.
You die, black fag.
So he probably sent him that, right?
Now, Jussie either was intoxicated by the attention that brought him, or he wanted to.
Now, I think there is no or.
Because if he wanted more protection, he wouldn't have refused the bodyguard that Fox offered him.
So I think he just, everyone freaked the fuck out when he got that letter.
And then he went, hey, yeah, I kind of like being this victim guy.
And then he staged this whole thing where he came home and he said just to the guy at his house, I was just beaten up by MAGA guys.
And he was just thought, maybe I'll get a BJ out of it or whatever.
And then the guy will buy me a nice watch and then we can get on with our day.
And then the guy freaked out and called the cops.
And then that's, it's been shit hitting fans ever.
It's like, oh, shit, now I gotta.
But I'm sorry to keep dwelling on it, but it's pretty interesting the way it gets reported because you can see, like, there was that woman yesterday who said, it's been verified that they said MAGA, this is MAGA country.
And then you read the verification and it's Jussie.
That's the verification.
Is that he said it?
Is that he said it.
Or they say they finally have two persons of interest in the case.
No.
Out of all the footage, hundreds of hours, they only saw two people.
And that's walking on the outside of that secluded parking lot.
On the wrong side of the street.
Oh, really?
Yeah, and they appear to have them the whole time.
So that's the persons of interest?
I don't see no shorts either.
I don't see shorts.
Oh, yeah.
Where's the weird camel-colored shoes?
Yeah.
I mean, that's not them.
Ugh.
All right.
And he didn't, why didn't he give his cell phone to the police?
I mean, what's up with that?
What could be if you play devil's advocate?
Okay.
No, no, first we'll do regular Jesus Christ.
Not Devil, yeah.
Angels.
First, we'll do the Angel thing.
He didn't want, he told them to turn off their body cams, too.
So he was lying, and liars don't want footage.
They don't incriminate themselves.
So turn off the body cams.
You can't have my phone.
Now, the devil's advocate would be, this is the cops.
You never know what.
He doesn't trust them.
Yeah, maybe they're like, say he's innocent and he really was attacked.
I don't want them going through my phone, finding something about me.
Like I bought Coke once, and the next thing you know, I got a whole other pilot shit.
I mean, I wouldn't give cops, I love cops, but I wouldn't give them any information without a warrant.
Yeah.
Okay, I want to get through some other stuff on this episode that's very important to me.
And I hope you'll bear with me.
First of all, I want to know why people who come to work, I wrote this down in my notes, why do you put your lunch in the fridge?
You're getting there at 9 a.m.
You're going to eat your lunch in three hours probably at noon.
It's going to go bad?
I know this is a very Seinfeldian.
Well, there's the tuna argument.
What's going to happen to the tuna in three hours?
Just get a little grody.
No, it's not.
What's going to happen to it?
I don't know.
As opposed to the fridge.
Like, what percentage worse is the tuna?
That's true.
And you know what?
I think, personally, I'm on your side because I think refrigerated bread is very gross.
Yeah.
You know?
And why?
And everything else is in there too, like your apple and stuff.
Okay, maybe your drink, I understand, but I don't think you bring a drink to work.
I think you have stuff in the fridge already.
So it's basically your sandwich.
Putting a sandwich in a fridge, or even say it's like leftover curry.
Right.
Okay.
Why does that have to be cold?
I'd rather it not be cold, actually.
Just let it sit there.
It's only three hours.
It could sit there for fucking 12 hours.
Yeah, where else.
But where else could you put it?
Maybe is it that that's the only place for food?
That could be the case for some areas of office, you know, restrooms, break rooms.
No, just put it on your desk or near your desk.
You got a Pile of junk there anyway, or put it on a counter or something.
That's a good point.
Oh, here's another thing I wanted to talk about.
My youngest son is six now, and his babysitter is an attractive young lady.
And I think he thinks it's his girlfriend.
And when I, you know, how you know that is if you bring it up and he gets super pissed.
Like he would trash the studio.
He would all be dead.
And all you have to do is go, so Johnny, looks like your girlfriend's code.
Yeah.
Ting, ding, ling, ting, ting, tang, pong.
I'm the police academy guy.
Michael Winslow, yeah.
Ooh, I know his name.
And so that cracks me up because he must wonder why I pay her money at the end of the, when it's time to go.
Why are you paying my girlfriend money?
Does she do consultancy work for you on the side?
Because she's not working while she's here.
We're on a date.
We're drawing together.
That's how we roll.
They already had a domestic disturbance.
And he must know that, you know, they're not going to get married and they're not going to Niagara Falls together on a road trip.
Maybe somewhere in his brain.
So it's just kind of like a, it's almost like a dummy relationship.
Like a, I don't know how to explain it.
For example, young girls are really into, first they're into like pussies, boy band guys, because they're not quite ready for a dude.
They're only a little girl.
So they start with like a girl that's just not a girl, but it's a girl.
Like that K-pop band.
All of the K-pop people.
All K-pop people are just girls that are almost boys.
I could bang an entire K-pop band of guys and I'd feel the straightest.
I would never have sex with a man, not even in prison.
But if a K-pop dude was there, that's not gay.
Yeah, they'd jizz on me and everything.
Yeah, it's just a tranche.
It's just a chick with a dick.
Look at his gorgeous blonde hair.
What are you crazy?
He's just a chick with no tits and a huge clit.
Not huge.
A normal size clip.
And then they go, okay, I'm like 15, 16 now.
Then they go, horses.
Because I know I like muscles and I know I like like a strong thing.
But I don't want to be around a wrestler.
So then they're really into horses for a while.
They look kind and yeah, it's all training wheels for an actual normal adult sexual relationship.
But with the horses, it's like it's muscles and it's mane.
And he's like, I'm a strong thing.
And then you, you, well, you don't, I don't want to get into riding and stuff.
That's gross.
You don't have to do that.
And so it's like a placebo, right?
It's like a fake relationship.
But I realized we do this too as grown men.
Like at the liquor store in Manhattan by the studio, I go in there and I pick up a bottle.
So we always have a bottle in the studio, which we don't now because you raided our cachet.
My dad.
And I caught myself being a Johnny about this chick.
Like she's there sometimes.
She's there about 30% of the time I go in.
And it's usually pretty empty, the store.
People tend not to buy booze when I buy booze, like at 10 a.m.
And she'll be there alone.
And we'll riff.
And, you know, we used to live on the same street on Ludlow Street in the Lower East Side.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
And so we'll make jokes about that and Max Fish and stuff and laughing.
And I think she's dating the owner.
So I caught myself.
This is a King of Queens episode, by the way.
There's a waitress who's really flirtatious and kind to him.
And he sort of fake falls in love with her.
And then he sees her with other guys doing it and he's totally crushed.
Interesting.
So I notice when he's around, and he's very decent, awesome guy.
Like he helps me buy wine if I'm having a dinner or something.
I'll catch myself being kind of pissed.
Wow.
Like, oh, you're here.
Or even if another girl is around, it's like she's taking up my girlfriend's time.
Now, I'm obviously never going to have sex with her or anything like that, but it's a strange, it's a strange.
I thought we had something real.
That's what it is.
I think it's like when vegetarians will still have veggie burgers or vegetarian hot dogs.
Like you're still simulating it because it's still in your DNA.
That's as retarded as me having like a meat celery.
Like a celery stick made of meat.
Yeah, well, you got one word, right, in your terrible analogy.
What, meat?
Yeah, that's brutal.
We got to recalibrate our relationship here on the show.
Don't come up with analogies.
Don't philosophize.
Be funny and do funny imitations.
Dude, it's like having, I have like a carrot made of like burgers, you know?
Yeah.
See, the beauty of that is now it's Bill Burr that's the idiot.
Sure.
You don't have to worry about the fact that it's impossible that a carrot could be made of meat.
That's true.
All right.
Another thing I wanted to get into here on the Hodgepodge show, the bric-a-brac episode, is I've been thinking a lot about your comedy, your stand-up comedy.
You.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
No, do, do, do.
Well, please don't do this.
It's done.
No.
But it reminded me of all the embarrassing moments of my life.
Just in one video?
Yeah, and I don't...
All your embarrassing moments in life in one.
No, no, no.
I've been going through them all.
Because you tend to block them out.
And I want to go through them together, not just your Imperial Guitar stand-up.
Don't say that.
If you look up on YouTube, Imperial Guitar Ryan Katsu Rivera stand-up.
You can see it.
Not for long.
Yeah, right.
I'm going to contact them.
It'll take them two days to take it down.
But I was remembering.
I don't want to live anymore, knowing people would see that.
Okay, here, I'm going to tell you some of mine to make you feel better, though.
Please.
I used to really be into Project Pat.
I used to love Memphis rap.
I don't know why.
It's really dirty.
Like, who's that guy with the baby arm?
I don't know.
Baby arm.
They're all in the same label.
I haven't listened to it in like 20 years because as soon as your kids are born, you can't listen to punk, metal, not even really hard rock, and then gangster rap, anything with the N-word in it is out.
So the next thing you know, you don't like music anymore.
Oh, the guy with the little arm, he's a Crip, I think.
Oh, really?
Crip Paul.
So it's Paul Dwayne, DJ Paul, and what's 3-6 Mafia.
That's it.
Oh, he's got they got a little arm guy?
Yeah, 3-6 Mafia has DJ Paul, and then this other guy has like a baby arm.
What?
I never realized that.
Yeah, well, he hides it in a, and a lot of guys do this when they have baby arm.
You know that thing when you have, you sprain your wrist?
Yeah.
And you put like a wrist guard on it?
He puts that on and it bulks it up.
Dude, I've listened to them and have known of them for a long time.
I'm just finding this out.
Yeah, he has a Johnny.
His arm is Johnny's.
Remember there was a Wild Boys episode with Steve-O, dude?
And they were scaring goats.
You just yell at them and they pass out.
That was them.
They were doing that.
It was hilarious.
Oh, they seem like super funny guys.
Yeah, yeah.
really likable guys.
We should look up what Is it Juicy J?
Yep.
Juicy J. No, Juicy J is the guy.
Yeah, Juicy J and the other guy with the bag.
Is it DJ Paul with the baby arm?
Yes, DJ Paul and vocals.
Juicy J on vocals.
Project Pat, also on vocals, Lord Infamous, Gangsta Boo, Coopsta.
Yeah, I don't need their names.
Just here, while I'm talking, you go figure out what happened to his arm.
Why does he have a baby arm?
Anyway, so there was this song, Chicken Head.
Whoop, whoop, chicken, chicken.
Whoop, whoop, chicken head.
Yeah, you'd like my outfit.
Don't even fake the deal.
And it's a really good song by Project Pat.
And I listen to it a lot.
And white people have this thing where we think we know rap better than we do.
Here it is.
Bald head, Scotland Wag.
Bald head, weave up.
Your hair is messed up.
He's got a disease called Herbs Palsy, which resulted in his right arm not completely growing, making it look deformed.
Herbs palsy.
That's not very exciting.
Nope.
Just a disease.
Just a disease you're born with.
Womp, womp, womp, womp, womp, womp, womp.
So they're listening to Project Pat.
And this is right when the song came out.
It's got this cool sample, too.
It's like, all right, all right, all right.
And so I see these people.
I'm on Avenue First Ave, around first and third, where the avenues and the numbers coincide.
And you can be at 182.
What am I talking about?
Alphabet City.
Yeah.
No, no.
No?
And it's not called Alphabets anymore.
This is the East Village, basically.
So you can be on second and second, right?
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
So I'm near second and second, but I'm higher up, closer to St. Mark's Place.
And I see these black young people, kind of my age, though, like late 20s.
I was in my late 20s at the time.
And they're playing chicken head really loud in their car.
And the doors are open.
I'm starting to get goosebumps just walking into this shitstorm.
Oh, my God.
So the music's flaring, and they got the doors open, and they're singing to each other like, bald head, weave up.
Your hair is messed up.
And I'm like, well, I know this song really well because I listen to it all the time.
And I've just put it on a bunch of mixes and it's my jam.
And I'm basically Project Pat.
And I just moved from Canada too.
So I didn't get that blacks and whites are different here.
Like we're not friends for the most part.
Hey, hey, black guys.
I want to play dice with you.
Let's fucking do a hand jive.
We're all friends.
What happened?
Oh, God.
I get it.
So they're sitting there.
And they know all the words 100%, right?
And it wasn't even a chorus part where it's like, walk, walk, chicken, chicken.
So I was with my friends.
And I was with this guy, Trevor, who I did a podcast about before.
He grew up in an all-black neighborhood.
So it was even more embarrassing because he's very savvy when it comes to that kind of stuff.
He even speaks black.
So I leave him as we're walking and I jump over to where they are.
I think I may have done a bump of Coke and was kind of drunk at the time, too.
That forgives a little bit.
A little tiny, tiny bit.
It's still, to the naked eye, though, it's still cringe fashion.
So I get down with them like we're best friends in a rap video.
And I'm even moving the way they are, like with my fingers pointed like guns sort of thing.
And then moving my shoulders up and down, like chicken, chicken, bald head, babby, weave.
And then as they're singing, I realize I don't know the words.
So then I'm like, bald head, no, me, nap, nappy, weave.
Chicken, chicken.
And then I just sort of went, I just sort of circled away, like almost like a boxing deke, like, I got to get out of this horrible situation.
And then I went back and Trevor was like, his jaw was just hanging off his face.
And he goes, I am never going to let you live that down.
That is the most.
And I haven't lived it down.
Like, I'll be driving.
This was probably, well, look up when Chickenhead was.
It was probably like 2000, 2009.
No, that's not right.
It was probably 2000.
So I would have been 30.
So we're talking almost 20 years ago.
2001.
2001.
So I was 31.
So, but it was like 19, 18 years ago, whatever it is, 17 years ago.
And I'll still be driving and I'll think of like, I don't even have to hear the song.
Right.
But I'll see their car doors open and it was like a hot summer night.
And I thought I was in a Pepsi commercial.
And I just jump in.
Hey, bald head.
What did they do?
Did they stop singing and dancing?
A third did.
I think there's what, seven of them that laughed and like three just sort of stopped and stared at me like, what the fuck you doing, motherfucker?
Yeah.
What you doing, nigga?
And the others just sort of went, fuck it.
It's probably a Canadian who just moved here a couple years ago.
Let's just enjoy it.
He'll see what a loser he is.
Yeah, this will go away.
This will go away.
I don't want him to ruin this awesome song.
I don't know how long it's going to take for me to be able to look at you again.
I would understand a month.
And then you start going through your Rolodex of embarrassing moments.
Like when I first got into punk, I was about 14, and there was this cool punk rocker named, I think his name was Dan McAllister.
And he had a mohawk.
Now, this is 1983, and he had a mohawk.
Punk was kind of new to us all, even though it was already sort of dead in Britain.
83, it was pretty early to be a punk rocker.
And it's not like you could, all the stuff you bought, you had to order from Britain.
And he had a mohawk, which was unheard of.
And I remember hearing that at the hair salon or wherever he went to to have it done, he would stare in the mirror and totally bawl them out if they fucked up one little portion of it, which in retrospect, what a fucking douche.
But back when we're little kids, it was, holy shit, man, he's a total badass when it comes to getting a mohawk.
So I had just been doing a lot of research about punk.
And I said something like, oh, God.
I was following him down the hall and I was like, hey, so looks like there's a lot of dead Kennedys over at the holiday in the sun who are getting exploited by so damned.
And I was like trying to make a sentence with all punk bands in the name.
And I hadn't even practiced it first.
I got actual visible douche chills.
Really?
You're getting actual bumps on your arm?
So he's not like in my perfect chickenhead world, he comes back with like, oh yeah, that's totally, well, I hope you don't get stranglers by the, and then he.
Rockaway Beach.
Yeah.
Then he does punk things back to me, and now we're in the punk gang together.
And then you start making out or something?
And punk in the middle class suburbs was notoriously snobby, right?
Because we had no authenticity.
We were rich kids.
Not rich, but middle class, right?
So there's you're in the middle class, you're in the middle of nowhere in Kanata, which is way outside of Ottawa, which is already Squaresville.
So there's nothing cool about you.
Your neighbors are all farmers, so you have to be a total.
No, that's not punk enough.
You're not even close to punk, dude.
How long have you been in this scene?
Like, punk rockers in my suburb and skinheads would go into the city on the weekends and be homeless for two days.
Just trying to scrounge up some sort of cred.
Yeah.
Throw some dirt on their lives a little bit.
Yeah, yeah.
Dirty up their life.
Man, I got a bad one.
Wait, I'm not done.
You're not done?
So then I'm following Dan to his class.
And then he finally turns around and he's at the door.
And I'm standing at the door like, I don't know what I'm waiting for, a fucking kiss on the lips.
And he goes, well, you must be a punk rocker then.
And then goes into this classroom.
And I just realized in a huge tsunami of shame what a fucking dork I must be.
Yeah.
That's a sad one.
Well, I guess you're, that's like a cool thing to say to make you like.
He was really sarcastic and mean, and his eyes were bulging out of his head.
I think he had glasses on.
And he was like, well, you must be a punk rocker then.
Like, leave me alone.
Yeah.
Pretty bad, huh?
That's bad, yeah.
It's funny how you remember these forever.
Like, I probably did something cool.
I probably ollied onto something on my skateboard and then caught a beer midair.
That's gone.
Yeah.
I don't remember that moment.
I remember a lot of trauma, a lot of really weird memories.
I'll remember, I'll take Chicken Head to my fucking grave.
Did I ever tell you about the story I had a crush on Cindy in my school, and Cindy kissed my friend Jonathan.
And by the cubbies, before getting sat, you know, before you sit on your desk, sit at your desk, I went up to her and I was like, so you kissed Jonathan, but you don't kiss me?
And I like slammed something or just walked in.
Oh, you told me that story before.
That doesn't sound so bad.
That's not embarrassing.
It's funny.
I also, I was in a punk rock band for a little bit, and I covered one of my stepdad's songs, Wannabe, by Sewage.
And the way I sang it, I can't even play it in my head.
I'm like, you're a wannabe, fuck yeah.
Yeah, I have some punk tapes too where the barter in between songs.
It's like there's one particular one that sticks out in my head where I go, this next one is about how society tries to control you.
And then there's another one where I'm talking about recycling.
I'm like, everyone, don't forget to recycle.
You get your cans out there and just you flatten them.
I didn't recycle, so I didn't know.
And I said, you flatten them with a hammer?
No, you don't have to do that.
No.
Just put the cans in the thing.
The city doesn't insist that every can is sheet metal.
And you did that because you meant it.
Like you wanted your virtue signaling with the recycling or something?
Yeah, yeah, it's exactly what I was doing.
I remember another time I was about 10 and everyone roller skate.
This is 1980.
And this cool guy comes up to me.
My mother wanted a girl, so she always had my hair really long, long blonde, feathered hair.
And I looked like a girl.
A lot of people would ask me if I was a boy or a girl.
So I probably wasn't 10.
That's a little late.
Maybe I was like seven.
Yeah, probably seven.
So I'm sitting there at the rink and I'm having a hot dog or something by myself.
And I've got, you know, my flared jeans and probably a polyester shirt on that says disco sucks.
And this cool guy, who's like nine, sits down next to me.
He goes, hey, man, what's going on?
And I go, not much.
And I'm thinking, why is this guy being so nice to me?
He's two years older than me.
He's way cooler than me.
This doesn't make any sense.
And then how long?
So you've been coming here a lot and stuff?
I go, yeah, my mom drops me off here on Saturdays.
Oh, right on.
Yeah.
And sometimes we'd play tag and stuff on roller skates.
We weren't there to disco dance or anything.
It was more like rambunctious than that.
I know it sounds queer, but it was kind of fun playing tag.
Sounds fun.
Yeah, you go really fast.
And then I thought, something's not right here.
So I go, you know I'm not a girl, right?
And then he goes, yes?
God.
And then he got up and walked away.
And I just blew a friendship with a totally cool.
That one's not so embarrassing.
All right, I think.
But that was bad, though.
I think we're ready to dive into your stand-up.
Okay, I got one more, and I. Oh, my God.
This is like a guy delaying his execution.
This is bad, though.
This one's worse than the stand-up.
Worse?
Yeah.
So I was in JROTC, and so I had like fake military in the school kind of stuff.
You know what that is?
JROTC?
You wear uniforms and you mimic like...
It's like a cadets thing.
Yeah, cadet, you know, training program, whatever.
And my grandfather was in NAM.
So he, you know, got out of there.
He was a sergeant, then he got demoted because him and his friends were, they caused a ruckus in town one night and just partying.
So he was a corporal, whatever, and he was, one night, you know, I'm in high school still.
He's he's drunk.
This went back when he drank.
He doesn't drink anymore.
It's been years.
And he was depressed and he was feeling like suicidal.
And he was drunk and like sobbing.
So I went to his room and I was talking to him, telling him I love him.
I said, "On your feet, soldier." Oh.
How bad is that?
That's not bad.
No, it feels like what a woman would say to a fucking soldier in a movie.
Like, on your feet, soldier.
That's like my buddy.
I can't live with you.
I know a guy.
We could do a million of other people, too, because everyone has about four or five.
But his parents are getting divorced.
And he thought, I got to help my dad.
I know my dad's really depressed because it was the wife that was leaving his dad.
So he was kind of goth at the time.
And his dad is in the kitchen.
And so he had written out the lyrics to Boys Don't Cry by The Cure, which we should probably look up.
Boys, Boys Don't Cry.
How does it go?
I would say I'm sorry if I thought that it would change your mind.
But I know that this time I've said too much, been too unkind.
I tried to laugh about it, cover it all up with lies.
I tried to laugh about it, hiding the tears in my eyes.
Cause boys don't.
It's the gayest song in the world, right?
Yeah.
And so he wrote out those lyrics.
And he was basically, I guess, suggesting that he, his dad, give this to the mom or at least take it in and realize that there's nothing you can do, but you got to be brave and boys don't cry.
And I would break down at your feet and beg forgiveness, plead with you, but I know that it's too late.
And now there's nothing I can do.
So his dad walks in.
His dad's like a dad, like a bald guy with a mustache.
A dude.
A dude, you know, who fixes his car.
And he's got like on a black sweater and probably bangs in his eyes, my friend.
And he goes, dad, dad.
His dad walks in and he just, he taps his finger to the corkboard that's in the kitchen where you put grocery lists.
And he's pinned the lyrics to Boys Don't Cry.
And he taps it with his finger twice and then walks out of the room.
Wow.
Because in his mind, his dad's going to like pull out the thumbtack and just sit there with the paper and go, so I try to laugh about it, cover it all up with lies.
Yeah, this nails it.
Hiding the tears in my eyes.
Yes, that's it.
I had my kid all wrong.
Wow, my kid just blew my mind.
I'd never heard of this band called The Cure.
It really helped me get through my divorce.
Hey, Eddie, you should check out this song, Boys Don't Cry.
It'll really help you, man.
Save my marriage.
Wow, what a wake-up call.
It's Robert Smith guy.
Shit, I got to bring him to the next barbecue.
You're going to love it.
Break out the boom box.
All right, so we've done enough build-up here.
It's time for Ryan Catsu Rivera's most embarrassing moment.
He was doing stand-up.
Now, in your defense, you were how old in this?
I was young.
This is evil, dude.
Wait, but you're not even hooked up to the sound.
You want...
Are you going to play it?
No, you're going to play it.
You're going to.
This is what Stalin would do, by the way, in Czechoslovakia.
You're going to do it.
He would keep his enemies up for five days or four days.
Oh, I found it.
And then they would represent themselves on trial.
Stop, stop.
They would represent themselves on trial, and they'd be so sleep-deprived and insane that they would be their own lawyers, and they would recommend the death penalty for themselves.
Wow.
Because he had destroyed them.
And so they became the greatest weapon against themselves.
And that's what I'm doing to you right now.
I'm a Stalinist.
Self-destructing.
Okay, so this is Ryan doing stand-up at a guitar store.
Just imagine a guy with sliders on and a woman's sweatshirt and a bunch of guitars behind him.
I just thank you very much.
All right, let's get loose.
Come on, let's get together.
Can't hear it.
I'm not going to offend anybody.
We don't want to take out, you know?
Oh, my dad, he's super duper Japanese.
When he talks to me, it's like this.
I'm going to give you a little sample.
It's like Guayan today.
We're going to the beach.
We saw Brado and you told Sista.
And, you know, Gayan having fun.
I was like, yeah, I know what to do with the beach, Dad.
I know what's going on.
But he writes, he only knows how to write capital letters.
He never learned like lowercase, ever.
No, because it's hard.
It's like 26 times 2.
I'm horrible at math.
You'll find that out, too.
Oh, dude.
Come on.
He's very calm.
You know, you get into his voice.
You're like, wow, I'm calm.
He writes you a letter in all caps.
And it now goes from that calmness to, Raya, today we're going to the beach.
Pak Kings.
I don't want to do this.
Let's explain the joke here, or what you were trying to say.
So, first of all, doing your parents, if they have a different accent, is hacky.
That's like Margaret Cho.
I do it all.
Margaret Cho, Joe Coi, Bobby Lee.
Yeah.
Indians always do it too.
Yeah.
They're allowed to do the Indian accent.
I do it.
But the joke, for the folks at home who didn't understand, he's saying, his dad's a very soothing, quiet Japanese man.
But then when he reads, he only does all caps.
So that sounds like he's screaming.
There's ways to even yell at funny, but I didn't know that.
He should have been way more bombastic.
But also, why would your dad be writing you a letter about how you're going to go to the beach?
Yeah, that's like you should have made it a different scenario.
So like you should have said, not that we should be coaching your most embarrassing moment of your life, because obviously it could be better.
It's the worst moment of your life.
But you could have said that the, I can't believe I'm coaching you through this, but you could have said the first one was like, he'll be telling me something, and then he'll say, Ryan, don't worry about it.
You have to get over it.
You know, she was a nice girl, but you'll be okay.
And then he sends me a letter going, you know, are you still hung up on that girl?
Get over it.
And then I'll call him, go, Dad, Dad, I thought, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
He goes, yeah, no, Ryan.
And then I realized.
Oh, I see.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
He only knows how to write in all caps.
So every time I get an email from him, I think he's losing his temper.
That's a very that makes it worth it telling.
You know, and this is.
So that's it, right?
No, no, no, no.
Let's do some more.
Jump in the middle.
Let's just, because it's that's a long set.
How long were you up there for?
Just I don't care.
I don't want to relive this at all.
Let's just hear a random place in the middle.
I don't do stand-up, by the way, not before nor since.
This was the only time I ever did it.
And this is a music.
All right.
All right.
You're still doing your dad?
No, this is about my co-worker talking about how he feels about bugs or something.
The bugs are landing on us.
We're playing guitar.
It's really hard to concentrate.
I'm sitting there and there's like a mosquito bite at my shoulder.
He's like, dude, I want to jam.
I want to continue.
He's like, yes.
Big bugs.
Ecuadorian poetry.
I don't know what that is.
One chuckle.
Wait, that's the joke?
He's really upset about these two mosquitoes.
He points in the corner and he's like, I need a spider.
Right there.
I need a spider.
I was like, I never heard that in my life.
Those are basic words.
I, or I heard that, need heard that.
This is.
It's like nothing's happening, though.
It's like, this is the worst thing.
Isn't it?
Oh, this show.
Okay, we're done with humiliating humans.
But yeah, I probably got some stuff like that, too.
Like that?
Yeah.
I just broke down the word.
Oh, my God.
There's nothing to say about it.
There's that one where it's Vice moving to New York.
I saw that.
You look pretty cool, man.
Got flip-flops on.
I'm talking about how I hope we make it and stuff.
That's pretty bad.
But anyway, we've come full circle, though.
This is the cringe episode.
We discovered Copper Cab's call to action on a cringe Reddit.
On a cringe video.
It's so funny when you're scrolling through your morning paper, basically, which is a cringe Reddit.
And there is my name and the Ginger with no soul challenging me to a fight.
Yeah, that is odd.
And then we go through our most embarrassing moments.
I think those moments are very important to have, though.
It's sort of like you can tell when someone hasn't been punched in the face at all.
They have that, that's why women are often saying, I want to talk to the manager.
And men are like, if the manager's around, if not, I guess I'll deal with it later.
Because they've been punched in the face and they know that conflict sucks.
And so they try to, you know, there's nothing scarier than a guy who's super duper nice.
And you'll notice that at the boxing gym, too.
People are like, are you using the water bag?
No, no, I don't mind.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
No, no, no.
If you want to use it, use it.
And if not, and you know what?
I'm going to go to the other side of the gym entirely.
And you can have all of these bags.
And this is like the guy that looks like he could rip anybody.
This is the guy whose nose is just two holes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a muscular face.
And that's probably why, you know, you have all these hyper-leftists being so snarky and trying to shut down people's lives and trying to get people fired and banned because they've never, they're just spoiled brats who've never been there.
And they, you know, there's more than just getting punched in the face.
You need to get embarrassed.
You need to have gone up to black people and tried to sing chickenhead with them to realize that you're not in a Pepsi commercial.
This is real life.
Some people don't get along.
You're not going to be bros with all the black people you see who sing Project Pat.
You're not going to instantly become part of the cool punk scene.
You're not going to get on stage at the guitar shop and instantly be a comedian.
And no, Copper Cab, you're not going to sit there and talk shit and not get your block knocked off.
Thanks for tuning in, folks.
We will see you on Monday with some all-new exciting content.
Let's stay tuned to the Jussie Sega because I think that flying neighbor may have protected him and I think he's going to get away with this.
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