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Dec. 6, 2018 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
53:47
Get Off My Lawn Podcast #100 | There are sixteen celebrities on this show

In this celebrity-packed episode we hang out with at least 16 famous people Ryan Katsu Rivera can do with his mouth. We also get in to the nature of impressions and if it’s even possible to learn how to do them. This episode includes Bill Schulz, Ezra Levant, Sway, Bill Burr, Artie Lange, Tommy Lee Jones, Robert Downey Jr, Sam Elliot, Christopher Walken, Jim Gaffigan, and of course Tony Soprano.  

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Time Text
This episode has 16 celebrities in it.
That's a lot.
That's like the Academy Awards.
Isn't it?
16 celebrities.
I've hung out with celebrities before.
I used to be friends with Justin Theroux and by proxy Jennifer Aniston.
I stayed at their home.
I wet their guest bed because I was so drunk.
But they had a party there, and there was Ben Stiller, and Sacha Baron Cohen, and the tall guy from The Office.
What's his name?
Ricky Gervais' friend?
Steve Merchant.
Steve Merchant.
Steve Merchant and I really bonded.
And at the end, it was like, we should become friends now.
I mean, I think he was new to LA, and he was sort of like, so what do we do now?
It was sort of like that.
That's a weird thing no one talks about, men dating.
Yeah.
You move to a new town and you have to court men.
It's easy courting women.
I want to fuck you and then it works out or doesn't work out and then, you know, that's that.
But when you court men, you meet a dude and you get along and then you have to get their number and go, hey, uh, so I had a good time the other night at that bar.
Wondering if you want to go help me buy pants.
I'm going to go buy pants on Thursday.
Yeah.
You want to come by?
Getting the number, too.
When you're typing in the number and you text back, he's like, all right, I gotcha.
And he waves his phone.
He twizzles his phone.
Gotcha.
When I first moved to the Burbs two years ago, there was a baseball dad.
And I met him on a trail, like a nature trail that's out in the Burbs.
And we bumped into each other, and he goes, hey, I should get your number.
And then he said something kind of gay.
He goes, I should get your number, because we have good conversations, and we get along, and it seems interesting.
You know why it's gay?
It's because he had to reason it out.
You're not supposed to say that, dude.
It's not the content.
You don't say, like, I enjoy conversing with you, and we have some good conversations.
Yeah.
Robot, autistic, or gay.
By the way, it didn't pan out.
We never exchanged numbers.
Oh, really?
It was like he ruined it with that quote.
But he feels bad.
It's almost like, it really is like rejecting a girl.
He probably sees me, maybe, uh, in the media or something and goes, ah, I'm really fucked.
No, actually, he's probably happy now.
Maybe.
He didn't do that.
But, um, yeah, and here's another weird thing about being a dude.
When you move to a new place, you have to dump guys.
So you go to a new town, you move to a new country even, and I've done that many times, and then you meet a gang, and then you go, yeah, I don't like this gang.
I can do better.
I can have a higher quality level of friends.
I gotta somehow extricate myself from this first group.
And my buddy Robbie told me that about prison.
He goes, when you arrive in prison, there's gonna be one super talky guy Who is like, Hey man, what's going on?
Yeah.
So this is a, this is a way you go to the cafeteria at four and you want to get your tray at an early.
And most people sit over here and it's like, Hmm, why are you so eager to hang out with me?
You must be shitty.
And it's like that whole, I don't want to be a member of a club that wants me as a member.
So avoid the talkie guy and just keep to yourself.
His advice in prison is for the first week, just keep to yourself.
Absolutely.
People that approach you... Oh my god, Jordan Peterson just came into the studio!
How are you?
People that approach you out of the blue, they're awfully carrying some sort of suspicious or subliminal type of context where they're trying to impart some type of ideology onto you.
And it's not only suspicious, but it could be detrimental.
It's bloody mad!
Jordan, are you considering... Do you understand that you fucking Miss Piggy is bestiality?
It's illegal.
She's a good girl!
Clean your room!
It's a pigsty!
You wanna hear a crazy theory I have that is deeply entangled in megalomania?
I think he stole the clean your room thing from me.
And I stole it from a dude named Kennedy who does, we did a self-help book.
I edited his self-help book.
And what's his name?
It's called like Kennedy Knockout Self-Help Book.
So you believe that you've started the concept of cleaning your room.
The book is called Knockout, a manual for success.
Okay.
I'm not disparaging Jordan Peterson.
I think he's a wonderful person and I think he's aided young men in the Western world immeasurably.
So this is just a silly little detail.
But I cannot help but think he stole this idea from me.
So the book is called Knockout, a manual for success by Million Dollar Shift by Mike Kennedy.
I edited the book and the first tenet in the book, the beginning of the book is clean your room.
You know, I went to a party one time with Tracy Morgan.
Party?
Tracy Morgan was there and he got into a fight, took off his shirt, threw it at the waitress and we were all kicked out so we were outside and like bloody mad.
He was kicked out.
He was thrown out of the club and then his shirt was thrown out and landed on his head.
Now, okay, what you're talking about, Jordan Peterson, is a story that Brett, what's his name, Keisinger?
Burt Kreischer.
Burt Kreischer told.
It's a true story that Burt Kreischer told, and Jay Moore stole the story and said it happened to him.
I know where I'm not welcome.
I'm leaving.
Good day to you, sir.
Have a bloody mad day.
And now Bert and Jay don't speak.
So you're doing a thing in a thing in a thing.
And it's very confusing.
And I'm mad at you not only for stealing that story, but also for stealing Mike Kennedy's Clean Your Room.
I know where I'm not welcome.
I'm leaving.
Good day to you, sir.
Have a bloody mad day.
You can criticize someone like Jordan Peterson for one stupid thing.
But you can also deeply respect the person.
This is the problem with modern social media shit these days, where, you know, it's a liberal ethos, and that is you're either 100% with us or 100% against us.
I am 99.9% with Jordan Peterson.
I just am pissed off about the room thing.
But you can agree to disagree.
For example, Bill Schultz.
He's a guy, he's a liberal, and we hang out at least once a week.
I actually have to avoid him because we're both drunks, and when we get together, there's, like, when I hang out with normal people who aren't drunks, and they have a few drinks with me, they start going, and then, so that's the thing about my wife's tits, is that I was a big tit guy, and then I married a chick who had no tits at all!
And I'm like, this isn't interesting to me anymore.
This guy can't hold his liquor.
I got to go.
So I leave.
But Bill Schultz can drink nine million beers.
So every time I go for a drink with him, it's a 13 hour extravaganza.
And the next day is... AIDS.
Like... shocking pain.
It absolutely is.
Oh, here he is!
Bill Schultz is in the studio.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's me, Bill Schultz.
And Gavin, thank you for having me on the show.
It's always a great time hanging out with you and never pronouncing G, especially when I'm sleeping.
Never pronouncing G?
Never pronouncing the letter G.
He also does a little thing where he goes low.
He's sort of like that Martin Short guy who's the fat guy.
Oh, I believe that would be Jeremy Glick of Comedy Central fame.
Let me see.
And really harsh starting a word with a vowel.
I'm hearing Trump in there, too.
Frankly.
Trump kind of, like, Bill Shultz is from Chicago.
Right.
Trump has some Chicago in him.
Maybe it's from hanging out with blue collars on construction sites?
Well, funny enough, I know a lot about New York City history, especially with the buildings in the area.
But President Donald Trump has a huge hotel in Chicago, and maybe that's why... That's so fucking good!
Maybe that's why he has that accent.
Hotel!
Yeah, he'll, he'll, Bill Shultz will be on in a sentence and then he'll stop the sentence and almost like parkour.
He'll be like on a ledge.
So he'll be walking on the street and he'll just jump.
So he'll go, yeah, I was, I was going to a hotel.
Why'd you, why'd you jump up onto that ledge to say the word hotel?
That is a.
Great observation.
That is it!
And I don't know, he's always like, it's like when you start a car that's already started and it goes, like he's always restarting.
It's almost like I have schizophrenia and somebody just starts my conversation, like one of my personalities starts talking in the middle of my conversation.
My dad was in town.
And you'll end the conversation with, um.
You know when a little kid has a light switch and they go do do do do do and start turning it on and off and you're like, stop it, you're gonna burn out the light bulb.
Bill Schultz, my dad was in town recently and we were drinking at a bar, believe it or not, and Bill Schultz was just, Gavin sucks, Gavin's awesome, Gavin sucks, like into my dad's ear hole, almost sensual.
So he'd be like, you're the worst fucking person in the absolute world.
Your son is an absolute inspiration and he's changed the world.
Gavin, you're a complete and utter waste of time.
I gotta say, your son has helped me so much over the years.
Mr. McGinnis, I want to thank you for being the snake that literally handed the apple to Eve, and also for sending your only begotten son to be the martyr and save humanity.
Oh my gosh, look who it is!
We've been trying to get you on the show for a while, Jon Taffer, and we're huge, huge fans of Bar Rescue.
By the way, did you know this?
Jon.
I don't think you even know this.
Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, whatever, Kitchen Rescue thing, whatever the Gordon Ramsay one was, something like 20% of the restaurants are still around.
80% die.
And with Bar Rescue, the numbers were comparable.
80 to 90% of the bars would go bankrupt after John Taffer left.
And now, I think this last season was better.
I think it was like 30% of the bars survived.
But these rescue shows, All of the venues suffered.
It's sort of like lottery winners, right?
When you win the lottery, you get ten million dollars and then you're broke in five years.
It's the same with these rescue shows.
You weren't meant to have a bar.
John, what do you think of that?
I think these... Do you see these rusted pipes up here?
That'll give somebody salmonella.
Yes, it will.
And...
Shut it down!
Shut it down!
I'm sitting in the van right now watching you cook onion rings that were sitting in the refrigerator for three weeks.
Shut it down!
Shut it down!
This thing's got rust on it!
You should be ashamed of yourself!
Watch yourself in the mirror, tell your kids that you're nothing, and I'll come back tomorrow and save your bar!
Asshole!
You should shut it down.
Okay, okay, okay.
We're gonna get the neighboring office.
Yeah, the neighboring office is gonna be like... I guess we're getting to the point of the show, which is the inevitable progression, where you try to help me with my Tony Soprano.
And we've done it a million times.
This is important though.
I just...
You know, when I was a kid in high school, we had a gang.
It was kind of like the Proud Boys, but we were called the Monks.
And we were half mods and half punks.
We called ourselves the Monks.
And we had a goal.
And the goal was to do a standing backflip.
Like black guys seem to be able to do much more than white guys.
To just be able to stand on the ground and just do a backflip.
And we trained like gymnasts for weeks and months, maybe years.
And the way we do it is we'd hold each other's hand below the guy's lower back, right?
As sort of like a bar.
And then that guy would do a flip.
And that's easy.
That's easy.
Is it easy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's fine.
Because the arms are holding you there.
So you're just really sort of flipping.
Can we try it?
We'll do a video of it.
I'll try a backflip.
Because I feel like my neck will... Really?
Well, yeah, dude.
It's two people holding hands as the bar, and then the other guy's leaning back on their arms.
You can't just hold your arm out?
No, not if, unless you're Superman.
It's, it's a hundred and whatever it is, 80 pounds of weight.
Anyway, we trained and trained and trained and trained, and not one of us could do a standing backflip after, I'm going to say a year and a half of trying and trying and trying and trying.
So the moral of the story is, meh.
You're not, you just don't have it in you.
Like, I was, I met a guy at a bar the other day before you, you met me.
And what was that bar called?
The Poor House?
The... Old.
Old.
It's one of the oldest bars in New York.
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I forgot the name of it.
No.
You want me to name it?
And he was saying he was a documentarian, like a cameraman.
You want me to name it?
Yeah, name it.
Old Town Bar and Restaurant.
Old Town Bar, one of the best bars in New York.
Great burger, too, by the way.
Unbelievable burgers.
And it's a real bonafide New York bar.
The mustard is mustard seeds.
You can tell that the people who work there have lived in New York for 40 years.
But anyway, I was talking to a guy there and he said he was with this woman who won like the bronze medal for sprinting in the 90s or something like that.
I know that's boring, but the takeaway was that she didn't really train that hard.
She worked out like 40 minutes a day, kind of like, you know, your mom's friend.
She didn't, you know, you have those insane marathon runners who do like eight miles a day.
That's not her.
She'd have burritos and shit and watch movies and she was just fucking fast.
And I feel like that's you with your friend Tony.
But that's the important part about realizing that you have some upper edge on somebody else and you're like, I could do shit naturally that that person will have to try for years to even be For me to even be able to teach that motherfucker how to do something.
You got that.
But with me, it's a very pointless attribute, which is doing voices of other people.
No, it's not.
You're in entertainment.
You're just beginning your career.
You're 29 years old.
This could be something.
I mean, Anthony Cumia was a tin knocker until he went on Howard Stern and did a funny imitation.
Yeah, and you know, that's what I like about imitation, because the same thing that I get from it, I can give that to other people, where it's like, it's like a little burst of color in somebody's ear.
Jesus Christ.
No, no, really.
Now you're an oncologist curing kids from cancer, because you can do 20 soprano.
You should see the smiles on the kids' faces.
I bring, I go to the burn ward of the Children's Hospital, and I just, I go up to their little weird Freddy faces, and I go, It's a very difficult situation.
And their eyes just light up.
Their burnt eyes just light up.
Sorry, God, I don't like that I just did a joke about sick kids.
He's like, well, I made it happen, so I mean, somebody's got to talk about it.
Scratch that.
No, I mean, but you made him feel included.
I mean, you know what's the worst part about any kind of minority is being ignored.
You know, so if you talk about him, even if you make a rough joke, they're like, at least I'm being seen by somebody here.
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
But OK.
So, Christopher.
So what I do is And the fun part about impressions is that you know what the real person sounds like, so there is a hit or miss.
What did James Gandolfini do to himself?
Like, he doesn't really talk like that.
He does not talk like that.
So who's he basing on?
Do you want to hear him in a regular interview?
Yeah.
It's not Tony Soprano whatsoever.
Hi, I'm James Gandolfini.
I'm a huge cigar buff.
I love cigars.
He actually talks like a softie, like a New York-y kind of actor guy.
Like a Jersey guy.
He pronounces R's very hard.
I'm a hard R guy.
I'm a Jersey guy.
And what I did with Tony Soprano is I ramped it up a bit.
I made it into a very difficult situation.
This guy is such a sweetheart.
I could absolutely cry to watching him just talk about stuff.
I have a story about him in a second.
You have a what?
A story about him in a second.
I don't think I've ever said this to most of the writers.
I basically would like to have a slightly adversarial, is that the word?
relationship with them, but I think they're unbelievable.
I mean, I sit there and read it and just go, Jesus Christ, it's so goddamn small.
Like, what is that?
It's just a jersey thing.
It sounds like my friend John.
And I don't really know about that.
Oh, you could do Carmella too, right?
Townie!
No, I guess not.
That's a rumor.
That rumor is true.
Remember when she wanted to go on the Witness Protection Program?
And he says, you want to get fucking tomatoes from Florida that aren't even good tomatoes?
Right.
Do you remember that outbreak?
I don't know why that stuck with me so much.
I think as a Canadian, like Scott, I'm watching that and I go, Wow, you guys really do love tomatoes.
Yeah.
No, because he's willing to trade.
He's like, all right, so we're going to be safe.
Nobody's going to fuck with us.
My kids are not going to be fucked up.
But what about the fucking tomatoes?
Is there that much?
I'm not a tomato guy.
Is there that much variety?
That's like apples.
What, you want to eat the fucking shitty apples that they got in Minnesota?
We get an upstate New York apple?
We're gonna go from Granny Smith to Macintosh?
Are you out of your fucking mind?
Get the fuck out of here.
Get the fuck out.
But a good thing to do is ABCs real quick.
ABCs with the character to see if you get all the... Or the vowels.
And then if whatever you're lacking in, then you just work on that.
I have no idea what you're talking about right now.
A, B, C, D. Oh, you do the alphabet.
D. D for me is hard on Tony.
A, B, C, fuckin' D, H, I, J, D, L. C is for Christopher.
Yeah, so that'll find your weakness, you know what I mean?
Oh, I see.
Yeah, I do find that when I do Scottish accent, I have trouble with the word water.
Gee, you people drinking all that water!
Water?
Well, that was actually pretty good.
I may have overcome that.
Okay, here's my James Gandolfini story.
So, I used to work with Jimmy Miller, Dennis Miller's brother, and he's the biggest agent in comedy.
Wow.
And he didn't know that I was conservative, so he loved me.
And the second he found out that I was not a liberal, the phone died.
Wow.
But we used to do a lot of shit together.
We used to pitch TV shows and stuff.
And he's a major fucking player, this dude.
That's not him.
Jimmy Miller comedy.
He manages Jim Carrey, fucking Will Ferrell, all these dudes.
He brought me to a Yankees game with Will Ferrell.
I didn't know he was Dennis Miller's brother.
And one time I said to him, I'm like, dude, you're like a bald Dennis Miller.
No.
And he just thought that's the least witty thing I've ever heard.
And I didn't realize that I was talking to the guy's fucking brother.
Get out of here.
That's funny.
But his sort of head of operations was this dude, Sam.
Great guy, small guy, short guy.
And I had all these awesome flannel shirts that you're not supposed to, not Patagonia, but Pendleton, that you're not supposed to dry in the dryer.
And it makes them tiny.
And then I realized, wait a minute, this is just like a thicker, awesome shirt for a tiny person.
So I gave them to him.
And he had all these awesome, thick shirts.
Anyway, we were buddies.
We were obsessed with this guy.
Remember Quado?
Yes.
What was that?
True Lie?
No, no.
No, no.
Fifth... What the fuck is it called?
Outer Space?
No.
Marshall Bell.
No.
Marshall Bell is the guy who plays the body host of Quado.
What the fuck is it?
Total Recall.
Total Recall.
Yeah.
So we had a funny bit about, wouldn't it be cool... We were obsessed with this show that no one wanted.
When we would pitch shows, we would pitch good shows, like me doing a how-to show.
But on the side, Sam and I would laugh about this idea of doing a Quado show, where Michael... Who's that wimpy, nice guy, beta male comedian that everyone loves?
Michael Cera.
Michael Cera.
Michael Cera is Marshall Bell.
So Michael Cera hosts Quattro and then Quattro is more like an Archie Bunker type guy who keeps like getting him into trouble and drunk driving and stuff and having ex-girlfriends and shit and smoking a cigar.
So it's Michael Cera with like an Archie Bunker Quattro.
That was our dream show.
That's hilarious.
I know, we talked about it for days.
Anyway, great guy, great guy, great guy.
We meet this chick in New York, me and the guy that I would pitch TV shows with.
And she goes, we're talking about Jimmy Miller and we're talking about Sam.
And I go, oh yeah.
And she goes, oh my, you know Sam?
And I go, yeah.
And she goes, I was dating him.
I think she came over to us and she goes, oh, you guys know Sam?
I was dating him.
And we go, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fucking awesome dude.
And she goes, yeah.
And I go, what happened?
Are you guys still dating?
She goes, yeah, no.
And I go, what, what happened there?
And she goes, I don't want to talk about it.
It's kind of weird.
And your mind just goes, oh, he cheated on you.
OK, well, sorry to hear that.
That sucks.
And she goes, we keep pushing, of course.
And she goes, no, no, no, it wasn't cheating.
It's just something weird.
It's kind of weird.
OK, what?
He likes to dress in drag?
And she goes, no.
All right, I'll tell you.
So he was working on a movie with James Gandolfini.
And James Gandolfini died right as they were done the movie, and he felt kind of close to James Gandolfini.
And I called him and I said, how you doing?
I heard James died.
And he goes, yeah, not doing great.
And she goes, what do you mean?
He goes, I just, I cry and I cry and I cry myself to sleep.
And then I wake up and I forget, you know, what happened.
And then I remember, and then I start crying and then I cry myself to sleep again.
And she was like, I couldn't really get over that.
Now this might not even be true.
I should make clear, but when I heard that and my buddy heard that, We both sort of went, yeah, I can't really fuck with him either.
And so she... What's the matter?
Don't do that?
You're getting feedback?
I'm just plugging in my computer.
I know.
If you push it over there, try it.
So she and my buddy and me just dumped him for crying himself to sleep at night because James Gandolfini died.
But is there something deeper there that where you think that what was he like in love with the guy?
No, no, I don't care about that.
That actually would be better.
Just like weak.
Because you're a gay.
Because there's a reason, sure.
It just was that L.A.
Like, here's the truth.
When I heard that, I went, oh, you seem like one of us, but you're not.
You're an L.A.
person and you genuinely worship celebrities.
And you pretend that this big fat fuck that was having 900 crab wings and then doing a line of coke is some sort of messiah.
You're a classic L.A.
Fuck you.
We're done.
Well, I mean, that's a guy you want to keep around because if God forbid anything ever happens to you, you know that guy's going to cry and then break up further relationships.
Look at Tony's face, by the way.
I pulled up a picture of James Gandolfini.
He's like, what the fuck?
Who cried over what?
I can't remember who we've done and who we haven't done.
Have we done Jim Gaffigan yet?
No.
No, we haven't done Jim Gaffigan.
I realized I stole that thing from him.
Like, I'll be making an argument saying you should never, you know, not finish your vegetables.
Yeah, but people have to finish vegetables, Gavin.
I do.
I don't.
That's not stealing?
I'm not holding that against you.
No.
You know why?
Because Bill Bird does.
He's like, and dude, I just thought about punching these muffins.
And it's like, Oh, dude, why does he want to punch those muffins?
It's like, dude, shut up, dude!
That's been happening, I'm certain, until like the Renaissance era.
You're mocking the opposite gender.
Even girls do it.
And I'm like, I don't sound like that.
My girlfriend will throw something in my face and be like, yeah, well, because you said like, oh, I can't work tomorrow, so I guess I'm just... I was like, dude, I wish I sounded like that.
We're also under such intense scrutiny as non alt lefters that you keep seeing your Views through their eyes like that footage.
We're looking the other day where I had the Donald Trump star on my chest I'm like, oh fuck are people gonna think that's like the star of David and I'm saying that I'm in the Holocaust or something Yeah shit, we can't use that or the guy who had his hands up high in the air.
I We're making the OK sign.
We're like, could that have been a Sieg Heil?
People might think that's a Sieg Heil.
Unreal.
Even though if you freeze frame it, you see that two fingers are missing, and those are pretty essential.
And Sieg Heil is not your arm straight up in the air.
It's at a 45 degree angle.
You know how I judge it?
If what you're saying is a Sieg Heil, if you were to put that in the 1940s, like you're in the front row and Hitler was there, you'd be like, kill that guy right there.
The Nazi next to you would be like, what are you doing?
It's a 45 degree angle.
I hit my pinky with a hammer.
Why are you making an OK sign?
Stop connecting those fingers.
Extend them fully.
Extend them?
Make them like a Kit Kat.
I hit my finger with a hammer and it did not extend.
I promise.
But what's Jim Gaffigan without that guy?
I like bacon.
I like... My wife will put a lot of pillows around and I'm like, hot pocket!
It's Hot Pocket, Pillows, and Bacon.
That's my impression.
Before you have kids, you hear clean comedians, and you go, what the fuck are they doing?
What a waste of time.
And then you are on a road trip with your kids, and you're bored out of your mind, and you think, thank the Lord that there's Jim Gaffigan and Tom Shalhoub.
And Brian Regan.
And Brian Regan, because I can now laugh.
Because they're still funny.
It's not like they're not funny.
It's not like they're doing little kid jokes.
It's still funny, yeah.
What's he doing on the moon?
That's Brian Regan.
You know, in Adam Sandler's special, I thought it was going to be all, like, candy-coated and clean.
And it's, it's dirt.
Every word is like, ah, and, uh, yeah, and a fucking, uh, ooh, yeah, fucking shit.
He's cursing the whole time.
It's his crutch.
It's like a crutch, but it's still funny when he says it.
It's a pretty good special.
Speaking of crutches, how about how much Artie Lange relies on coke and heroin to survive?
I'll tell you what, and you know, Howard was good to me, and even though I'm not doing great at this impression, that's him.
I like that guy a lot.
Of course, he's a god.
Here's Artie in a nutshell.
Someone on Anthony's show, someone showed a gif of Kim Kardashian making it rain, and within a billionth of a second, he goes, what has he paid off Amar Lodin's Coke bill?
I probably got the guy's name wrong.
That quick?
Yeah, yeah.
It was a millisecond.
Dude, he's built for joke making.
You know what I mean?
He's so fucking fast!
Yeah, and you know, a lot of people on the Reddit community of Opie and Anthony, they're very vicious and toxic, and they'll make fun of how one of the posts was, let's list all the jokes that Artie keeps repeating, and it's like, yeah, you know what?
It's worth repeating because it's like, I'll tell the Tony Curtis joke over and over and over again.
It'll make Anthony laugh.
Me and him had a beer across the street from the studio and it's like, yeah, he made those classic by repeating them five times a week.
It's like The Stones doing Satisfaction.
It's a hit.
He gets away with doing it, and I've not known any other comedian where it's like, alright dude, we've heard that one before.
He can get away with it.
He also barfs out 9 million jokes a day.
That are brand new.
But his fucking nose looks like someone at the Madame Tussauds wax museum has Down syndrome.
No, it looks like they put a lighter to it.
It looks like someone at the Wax Museum showed up for work drunk and was like, I'm fine, I'll do Artie Lang.
Let me just make a nose.
And then the boss comes by and goes, what the fuck is that thing?
Oh, I think I gotta quit or be fired.
Yeah, it's like Orson Welles, when he was doing that champagne commercial, immediately afterwards, he did the nose for the Artie Lang man.
Jesus Artie, what if you like how much coke I I used I've done coke as a young man.
It's a crazy drug It's a party drug.
Many people have done coke but like to really pursue it like you're a Like it's a trade he pursues coke and heroin like a trade.
Well, that's the thing.
I think it's the heroin thing it's because If it if that's if any kind of chemicals like in your nasal passageway and it's sitting there for a while like the worst nights ever is when you wake up the morning after and you did some blow and you're like and you You do that and you're like, oh wow.
I just tasted coke.
So that means it's been sitting in my nature That deteriorates the tissue.
Let's make something clear folks at home.
Drugs are bad.
Yes.
Marijuana's bad.
I'm talking about years ago.
No, marijuana's good.
It helps you think.
Marijuana makes you lazy.
It screws up your grades.
It takes away your economic libido.
Marijuana's bad for you.
Coke is bad for you.
It's toxic.
The shit they cut it with is horrible.
Heroin, that's a whole other universe of bad.
Like, all those other drugs are, like, getting tattooed on your neck or something.
Heroin is playing Russian Roulette.
It's a totally different evil drug.
I think about it even worse than that.
Where it's like, when you do heroin, when you're like, alright, the rest of my life is question mark.
And it ends in a year.
Well, that's what Russian Roulette is.
The rest of your life's a question mark when you put a gun to your head.
But anyway, the fact that Artie can pursue it like that.
And survived this long by the way, whereas like it and that's my question to you is like because my theory is like is it really even a problem because And you know what?
It is a problem because- It's a problem.
He was making five million dollars a year.
But relationships- He probably makes 40 grand a year now.
So yeah, financially that's a problem, and then also you don't have any close friends that can trust you.
That's a big problem too.
Yeah, the thing about junkies is you can't love them.
Because that love enables them.
So the best thing you can do to a junkie is cut them loose.
And the next thing you know you've got this poor bastard alone in his apartment snorting coke and heroin and fucking dying.
Yeah.
Artie Lang is dying.
Now I hear he's gone into rehab now, but hasn't he been in about 10 times?
And you know what scares me about him?
He's Indian.
He's American Indian.
Did you know that?
Oh yeah?
No, no, no.
Yeah.
And it makes me worried about my own kids.
Because I worry that there might be some sort of genetic predilection to addiction within that community?
I don't know.
Perhaps.
I don't know.
I mean, but you know, there's different personality types within any group, so you can always attribute some kind of general, like, oh, these people do this, these people... But there's always a variety.
No, there's genetic... Scots are drunks.
All of my uncles are dead from booze.
Wouldn't you say that's like a very... That's a specific one.
Like, heroin's pretty specific, and that can't be rooted in your... No, I'm not talking about heroin.
I'm talking about addiction.
Anyway.
Oh, I see.
Enough.
I don't want to talk about my kids.
True that.
Sway is a guy who, he doesn't really do this anymore because I think someone sent him a memo, but it used to drive me nuts how he would wrap his dreads up in a big Erykah Badu thing on his head like Marge Simpson.
And in Africa, that means I'm a woman.
In Africa, that means you put a towel around your head.
You put the poopoo.
I have the poopoo.
It looks like you have the poopoo.
In Africa, a man will just have short hair.
A woman will have her hair in a large Marge Simpson wrap.
She wraps her hair in that.
Yeah.
I think that's the problem.
When the wires touch.
Yeah, me too.
African, Jamaican, and Scottish.
Nigerian are very fun.
You know why?
Because they have a lot of confidence.
They used to come to my old hotel.
When Nigerians used to come to the old hostel I used to work at the desk, they feel like royalty.
They come in like coming to America.
If you came out of Nigeria and you're in New York, that's the weird thing about being from Montreal.
All the black guys that I grew up with are billionaires.
If you can come from Haiti and go to Montreal, you're a nerd who went to private school, who wears a blazer and a scarf, and you smoke cigarettes, and you don't drink.
My sort of background with black people in Canada was, oh yeah, those nerds.
Their upper echelon nerds.
The coke and chippers who just want to eat potato chips at a party.
Like, they're no fun.
Yeah, disenfranchise my ass.
Oh, it's a party with black people?
Oh great, nerd central.
I don't want to hang out with a bunch of rich French people.
Yeah, you know, you're absolutely right, because it's not an act.
They come to the hotel like, uh, carry my bags for me.
Um, do me a favor.
Tell me... No, they don't even say do me a favor.
They're like, tell me how to get to New York City.
And you're like, uh, yes, sir.
And I'm sorry there's not a carpet that I rolled out under you.
So, Sway, why do you have a Marge Simpson?
Uh, it's me, Sway, from MTV News.
Uh, Aaliyah's dead.
Uh, in too deep.
I sunk 41s at Top of the Charts.
We're going back to Carson Daly.
Right now.
What's Sway doing these days?
Is he on Sirius or something?
He's on Sirius, yeah, he's actually doing pretty good.
He has a cool thing on his show where he challenges people to do freestyles, so it's called the 36 Chambers of Death or something, where they go through a bunch of different beats.
Shia LaBeouf I actually fucking nailed it.
Yeah, but how do you know he hadn't pre-memorized that?
He did.
A lot of it.
But, have you ever tried to pre-memorize?
If Sway pulls out an orange and a pineapple and a hat and says, incorporate these into your freestyle, maybe.
But to just say freestyle, I don't believe it half the time.
But, okay, so let's say he is, it's almost like magic tricks.
It's like, okay, that's not actually levitation, but there is some skill to it.
So I would attribute the skill for Shia LaBeouf to be memorization, writing, and being able to perform it.
And here's the thing.
You sound so lame right now.
The reason why it's impressive, and just hear me out, is because you're under pressure.
There's actual rapper, hip hop culture, black people around you.
You're white and weird, like Shia LaBeouf is, because he's not just regular person.
He will not divide us!
He's so weird, right?
But he wrote it and memorized it, and then here's the thing about a beat, too.
You can't just be like an actor where you forget your line and give yourself a long pause.
You're like, I thought...
The other day.
You have to do it on the beat.
There's a guy on local news, cable access type thing, who was freestyled and he had nothing to say.
So just look up freestyle, fail, author, local news.
I think that should do it.
That's him.
It came up right away.
That's not good.
Tell us what we're about to hear.
It's just a freestyle.
Okay.
I'm just gonna think it up as I go.
Freestyle?
Well, let me sit back.
Go ahead, Marshall.
Okay.
Uh-oh.
Years ago, they tried to... Years ago, they tried to put me in a... Is this edited?
No, this is live.
No?
Oh, man.
That's just real.
She's worried.
Oh, dude, come on, bro.
Did you want to try to read something from your book?
Give an excuse.
OK.
You hear that?
Do you want to just read from the book that's been written already?
Why didn't you say, like, oh man, it's hard without a beat.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, like when we were talking about those psychic guys who go, I'm not feeling strong right now.
I don't feel like I can use my powers.
Just say, like, oh.
Some dude wearing a geisha uniform came up with a better excuse than the 70s.
I'm indigesting.
All right, we're running out of time here.
So we got Phil Schultz.
Have you done Ezra yet?
No, I have not done.
Here's the thing.
In Britain, right now, there's a large attempt to silence.
That's why I'm here right now.
Ezra Levant.
I'm out.
And we did Bill Burr.
Ah, dude, yeah, we did.
We did Erlang, we did Bill Shultz, we did Tony Soprano.
What about Jay-Z?
It's your boy, Hov.
It's a rock in the building.
I sounded like Pee Wee when I tried to do that.
That did sound like you.
Wait, do it again.
It's your boy, Hova.
It's your boy, Hova.
I'll get it.
The TV is talking.
The couch is stalking.
The TV is talking.
The couch is stalking.
It's your boy, Hova.
That takes so much exercise.
It's a rock in the building!
Hova.
Tommy Lee Jones.
This one, I have to preface this very bad, but I love doing it.
Slick, you're not part of the Men in Black.
There's an active volcano around about 80 miles away.
I can do Rip Torn also.
We're not running some kind of intergalactic kegger here.
If he takes a shit, I want to know about it.
Uh, I just ruined that.
That was Christopher Walken?
That was Tommy Lee Jones.
Oh, okay, okay.
Because Christopher Walken said something similar in King of New York.
He was like, if a nickel bag gets sold in the park, I want in!
I wonder if I could show that to my kids.
What's that?
Um... King of New York?
Yeah.
No.
Sex is the problem.
No, you know why?
Because it's the most horrific sex scene in the world.
No, thank you.
My 10-year-old asked Santa, although I don't think 10-year-olds believe in Santa, but they don't know if you know, so they don't want to rock the boat.
Wow.
So they're like, there's a steady supply of seriously awesome presents here.
They don't even want to talk about Santa, and I don't want to talk about it either, because I don't want to ruin anything.
So Santa is almost a taboo subject in a man's home.
Yeah, dude, yeah.
Because my youngest, my five-year-old, obviously is all on board, but with the 12-year-old and the 10-year-old, we're both sort of looking at each other like, do you know anyone I can talk about?
It's almost like a mole on somebody's face.
Exactly.
Why would you bring that up?
So I guess you're going to send Santa a letter with a stamp.
You know that I need to take a picture of the list before you mail it, right?
Don't you find that a little curious?
Why do I give a shit about your list of sentences?
None of my business.
That's between you and the guy who supplies the presents, not me.
That's why I really think honesty is the way to go from all this shit, because when you find out- No!
No?
You're a moron.
Here's your deal as a father.
You need to delay sex, so you don't want them to know what sex is for as long as possible.
Okay, I agree, but wait.
Do you tell them a stork makes babies?
No, it doesn't come up.
You don't bring up a fake story.
Actually, it did come up in the car once.
One of the kids said, so what happens?
Mom just has a drink.
She drinks something and a baby comes out, which is actually kind of true.
No, the one night she doesn't have a drink.
And I said, uh, I said the mommy and the daddy love each other very much and that the daddy's body gives something to the mommy's body.
That's perfect.
And then she was like, ugh, this, uh, I don't want to hear any more about this shit.
This sounds fucking gross.
What are you, barfing her ass?
You tell them enough truth, and you're like, I'm done.
You have some sort of needle that comes out of your belly button and it goes into her spine.
Not curious.
Like an epidural.
I don't want to hear about what you guys get up to.
So that's your one goal as a parent.
That's genius, by the way.
By the way, I'll fucking use that in my life.
Because I was thinking about like, are either the stork story, pretend I didn't hear the question, or lie about makeup my own way.
No, you get close to the subject and then they go, ugh.
Oh, so you don't, okay.
You omit enough truth.
The mommy's, the daddy's body gives the mommy's body something.
Dude, that's advice to all you guys out there.
That's perfect advice.
Number two.
Sure.
Santa.
You want to delay that for as long as possible.
You never, unless they bring it up, you never say that Santa doesn't exist.
Ever.
And you gotta fucking watch Gremlins 2 very carefully.
There's a scene in it where she says Phoebe Cates of Fast Times at Ridgemont High, our ultimate perfect woman, She says that her uncle died in a chimney, he got stuck in there pretending to be Santa, and that's when she realized Santa doesn't exist.
You gotta have your finger on the fast-forward button when that comes up so you can zap through that scene.
Yeah.
Or you just stand up and fart really loud.
So sex doesn't exist, Santa does exist, and then the third biggie... No, another biggie is 9-11.
I don't want to talk about 9-11.
If it comes up, I'll tell you what happened.
She's so hot.
I don't want you to know what 9-11 was for as long as possible.
I don't want you thinking that a plane is going to smash into a building.
And then number four, race.
I don't want you to know that race is a thing.
I don't want you to know the word racism.
I just want you to know, I just want you to see, I remember one of my most victorious moments as a parent was when my son was about six and he said, how come so many of my friends have black skin?
He just noticed that their skin tone was different.
He didn't know what a race was.
And that's another goal.
Then they get older and you hear them say the word racist and you go, oh shit.
Yeah, there's a thing no one will shut up about that's all about race city race race race and it sucks and blah blah blah.
I grew up in the Bronx in Co-op City and it was like all my friends were black.
My first girlfriend was black.
My first bully was black.
My best friend's black and you don't you don't look at a different person person looks different You said that's better or lesser.
You're just like different.
Well black people don't talk about it The same way that white people are completely that is true.
They're obsessed with it And they would they would do the Chinese eyes thing to me They would be like your eyes like this and they would pull their eyes back.
You know, well, yeah, my skin's different colors entirely my that's pretty five-year-old was doing that like that and Chinese, Japanese, Siamese.
Look at these.
That's good.
I don't know where that started.
It's probably some dude in the 30s.
It was up in Canada.
It's a thing.
It's like rock, paper, scissors and tic-tac-toe.
It's universal.
It's never been in a movie.
It's just a thing that everyone does.
And my wife was mortified and she goes, don't ever do that again.
But he looks more Asian than you.
Yeah.
So I'm like, is that so bad?
It's like a black guy wearing blackface.
I don't think that's insulting.
Plus, if I want to make fun of Chinese people, I gotta pull my eyes down.
Because Japanese go up.
According to that little... Siamese.
I still have to do it.
Siam.
Alright, we're running out of time here.
You didn't do Robert Downey Jr.
I'm Iron Man, so... Hey Thor, love the hammer and stuff.
Really good look.
Jarvis, take me out of here.
Pepper Potts, do me a favor.
Cancel my appointment with that.
I have to rock it into the stratosphere and stop Spider-Man from doing a thing.
Thanks very much.
He's always very snarky.
They should call him Tony Snark.
He is the worst dressed superhero in the history of film.
And I became so obsessed with it, I looked up his stylist and assumed that he was having an affair with her.
Because why the fuck else would she be employed?
Every outfit he has, like his snowboard pants and his weird v-neck sweaters.
Oh, the snowboard, yes.
And like sketchers.
The long sleeve shirt with the shirt.
Oh, the long sleeve with the t-shirt on top.
And like black chucks on a grown man.
Yes.
Everything he wears is so embarrassing.
The glasses.
He dressed like a Polish skateboarder who plays bass in a nu metal band.
Wow.
He is terrible!
Yeah.
His windbreakers and his, like, bell-bottom zipper pants.
He's wearing a normal thing in this where, like, it's a nice, like, uh, like a Guayavera shirt with a blazer on top of it, which is crushed velvet, which is fucking horrific.
With spiral patterns.
Then he'll have, like, an orange Gore-Tex t-shirt on underneath his dress shirt.
Who dresses you, dude?
You are so Eastern European.
You know when Eastern Europeans are badass?
And they probably are.
Back in Slavutki, they come back and they're like, yes, I was just in New York City for two weeks, hanging out, going to dance clubs and listening to rap.
And I smoked a marijuana joint.
And you go, yeah, you probably are the hottest slav in town.
But here in the real world, you look like a fucking dork.
Dude, I have to agree with you.
I've never noticed it before, but even the beard, it's like, it's got two spikes.
It's like, it's so nu metal.
It's cringe.
He's a bassist in an unpopular Russian nu metal band.
Yes, but it's even more troublesome too.
He's like, you know that Tony Stark's character likes Steely Dan and like Foreigner and doesn't listen to nu metal, but why are you dressing nu metal?
His pants, there's always one attribute.
His pants are the worst.
We should get his stylist on the show.
That's a regular- that's actually a very cool blazer, but the thing that throws me- That's actually a very cool blazer.
It's a very cool blazer, but there's a zipper on the collar of it.
Why?
There's always a pocket on the sleeve or some thing you don't need where you- I don't know, you keep silver dollars in there?
This is me saying goodbye.
And no one talks about this.
What are we- Sam Elliott?
The all-new Dodge Ram, built with American buffalo sauce.
Not- not very good today.
That sucks.
Yeah, I know.
What about Joe Rogan?
Pull that up real quick.
No, I'm not good with that really.
Wow.
That's crazy, man.
Yeah, I did this cryogenic thing where it heals your bones.
It's crazy, man.
I'm like, wow.
Jamie, pull that shit up real quick.
You know, Joe Rogan, we'll end on Joe Rogan because we're out of time.
Joe Rogan is a guy, he's not an intellectual.
You can tell he has a blue-collar brain, but he's curious, and he likes pot, and he's relatively intellectually adventurous, right?
Which is rare in LA.
But the guy has been through so many fucking things.
Like, what a survivor he is.
He's the go-to MMA guy.
He had the Fear Factor thing.
He had Radio Days.
He has a stand-up comedy career.
I went to see him do stand-up in New York and it was fucking hilarious.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Really high quality.
Recently, though?
A year ago?
That's awesome.
You know, his new special on Netflix is like the only one I cared to watch.
And then he does this podcast thing, which people don't seem to understand how fucking huge it is.
When I go, when I walk around the streets of London, England, people yell Joe Rogan at me.
In England, I'm the Joe Rogan guy.
Yeah.
Probably because it rains there, so they don't get out much, so they just watch YouTube videos again and again.
I think they watch it more per capita than Americans do.
They can go play baseball and shit, but British people are stuck in there.
And his Alex Jones ones, they were killed off of iTunes, and they were removed from all these top ten hits, but they were number one in the world.
I'm talking hundreds of millions of listens.
That's a lot of people.
And it bridges the gap between mountain dude drinking, Taco Bell loving, video gamer, and fucking intellectual.
No, a lot of people.
The mountain dude dudes, liberals, Paleo-conservatives, libertarian types like Jordan Peterson, like smart guys.
Chicks, a lot of chicks, like my wife will get hassled by her friends going, why are you married to that horrible person?
And then some other chick will go, actually I heard him on Joe Rogan, he seems pretty cool.
Chicks like it.
Yeah, you know what too?
It's amazing because I watched the Jordan Peterson one, the newest one, and it's he, Jordan Peterson is Long-winded if you're an idiot, but he's perfectly winded if you if you're on his speed and he Joe Rogan gives him He doesn't he doesn't let a smarter guest railroad over him He'll ask good questions and he'll pick up on the nugget in which they're going like I actually I'm guilty of tuning out halfway during Uh, one of Jordan's things, so I had to rewind it.
- No, no, dude, don't give Jordan too much credit.
He's an intellectual, yes, but he also goes off at these fucking tangents.
- Does he? - I did a talk with him in Canada where he described the origin of good, what defines good, and a lot of it is, he based it on rats and rat behavior And a lot of it is being, having a society and having a community.
And the way you derive a community is you have a back and forth with people.
So rats apparently let the other rat, look, you're already tuning out.
Rats let the other rat win like 10% of the time or 20% of the time or something.
It was a fucking hour to explain that.
And I was like, Jordy, dude, Kermit, we've got to fucking spice it up in here a little bit.
We're losing the crowd.
He's guilty of that of a little bit.
Yeah, like Joe Rogan never loses the crowd.
Yeah, you're right.
You know what Joe Rogan did though?
I went with him to his show.
And I was like, let's get beers after.
And he does this fucking thing where he does selfies with absolutely everyone who wants one.
And I'm like, I'm not sitting here for an hour and a half.
And he smiles doing them.
I've seen nobody's plus Joe Rogan selfies.
And he's always like a genuine smile.
I'm not into that.
Don't do that.
I fucking hate selfies.
I don't even understand them.
What do they mean?
This is me and Joe Rogan.
But you're not his friend.
I've hung out with Joe Rogan a ton of times.
I don't have any pictures with him.
You hung out with him for one second and you have a photo.
What do you do with that photo?
You put it on Facebook?
But that's not your friend.
You know what it's like to be in the same room as somebody that you wish you knew, like, you took a selfie with?
And I've done this too, because I compound.
It's like, if I take a photo with that guy, next time he comes in the studio, which he will, I'm... take a photo with you.
I know, but why do you even have that desire in the first place?
It went away, and it's like, you know...
What are you gonna do with it?
Tell me what you do with it.
You know what it is?
Ha ha, look who I met, and you didn't... But you didn't really meet him, you just stood next to him.
And if he's in New York City, he's taking the subway, he was next to 10,000 people that day.
Well, don't tell me, I mean, I'm not one of those people anymore.
You better not.
I could take pictures with you all day.
Holy shit, is it 53?
53.
Oh wow, we went way too long.
Alright, we gotta go.
We'll see you soon.
We like you more than a friend.
And we managed to pack 16 celebrities into this episode.
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