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Dec. 5, 2018 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
51:32
Get Off My Lawn Podcast #99 | What's it like to be gay?

In this in depth discussion on homosexuality we get deep inside what it’s like to be gay. It’s all conjecture but we determine that the worst part is 14-18 if you live in an anti-gay environment but after moving to the big city it must be awesome. Unfortunately, it can’t be too wonderful once you get super old and nobody wants you. That makes us feel bad.

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What's it like to be gay?
Is it weird?
It sounds like at first glance you go that sounds fun Because I think of a world where like my wife it was in fashion PR when I met her and she'd be working with these gay dudes and they were just get up from their desk and go, I'm kind of horny.
And they'd wander around.
So one particular guy, not they, this guy would go wander around Soho and, uh, he would, um, he would just go get a blow job.
And then he'd come back, honestly, 20 minutes later, this is in, in New York city.
He'd come back 20 minutes later and just go, ah, yeah, back to work.
That doesn't sound so bad.
That doesn't sound awful.
Just imagine as a straight man, you're just like, oh God, I wouldn't mind grabbing some boobs right now, some big double D's.
And then you just get up from your desk and you go down some weird alleyway and there's like some bandana in your back pocket that says, I love double D's.
You know how they have like their bandanas?
And then some woman with gigantic tits goes, oh, a red bandana.
He'd like me to slap him in the face with my gigantic tits.
And then she slaps you around and you go, that was cool.
And then you go back to work.
So that part sounds good.
But the part that doesn't sound good is never having kids, never settling down.
God kind of going, man, you're not really part of the club.
Like that must fuck you up.
You know what I mean?
That I mean, my whole thing with with being a man or being a person is these stages you have.
So you have I'm a little baby.
That's cute.
I'm a I'm like a kid.
I play baseball.
That's cool.
I'm a bad boy.
I go to the arcade and I vandalize people's property.
And I steal lawn chairs.
There's that.
And then you like girls.
And you're fucking.
And you're partying.
And then there's like, you know, your 20s where you're getting super shit-faced and, you know, almost dying of overdoses.
Which I don't advocate, by the way.
And then you go, OK, enough partying.
Time to settle down.
And then you have kids.
And then your kids, so that's a whole life.
And then your kids grow up and they go to college and stuff, right?
And then you have empty nest syndrome and you're kind of freaked out and you sell the house, you get a smaller place, maybe you move back to the city.
And then you go to plays and stuff, God forbid, and you drink wine.
And then you do like, my parents do these house swaps where they, someone from France will go stay in their house and they'll go stay in their house.
So that's a whole other life.
So there's all these stages.
But with the gays, you really don't, like you don't have those same, it's sort of like living in L.A.
Where L.A.
is just one big long season.
There's no winter or fall.
Gay is like one big long, I don't know, fuck fest.
And you don't really have seasons.
You don't have chapters.
And so if my sons are gay, or my daughter, I would be bummed that they're never going to have kids.
Oh, they could adopt.
Yeah, they're not going to adopt.
That's a tiny percentage that tries to simulate normalcy.
Wait a minute, are you playing video games and not listening to the podcast?
No, that's how I play video games.
I've been listening to podcasts while playing the whole time.
This is pretty awesome.
Oh, so you're hearing a live podcast.
I'm here with Ryan Katsu Rivera, who is helping to record...
He's like my Jamie of Joe Rogan.
He's that pull-that-shit-up guy.
Yeah.
But he's also playing a video game because he comes from the generation that refuses to grow up.
I just got into this.
I mean, I'm not a gamer.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.
What's amazing about your stupid fucking video game is you're not even, like, shooting aliens or something.
You're going fishing.
Where are you right now?
You're on a dock.
I'm in a lake.
You just skinned an eagle.
And like, that's what normal people do in real life.
Right.
You're just doing a normal, like, don't your grandparents live upstate?
Yeah.
You live upstate.
Go do that.
It's too cold to hunt.
Sorry.
Anyway.
So I would wager That being gay is terrible.
Okay, let's break it down.
So being gay when you're eight or nine is kind of weird, right?
You want to wear a dress or whatever.
But in modern society, it's actually so normalized.
You're almost weird if you don't want to put on a dress.
So childhood is fine.
Maybe you're in the South in Alabama and you're 14 and you're gay.
Guys want to beat you up.
I'm sure that's still true.
So that sucks.
But you're only really a sexual being when you're 13, 14.
At 18, you can move out.
That's only four years of shit.
And I know people go, well, those are your developing years.
That's a totally valid argument.
God, I'm distracted by Ryan fucking riding a horse in the country.
Go ride a real horse!
It's not that hard.
It's not rocket science.
It's like these guys with those stupid flying squirrel suits who jump off cliffs.
I go, go to Afghanistan.
Like, why are you, why are you pretending to do something that's so easily done in real life?
I understand if you want to eat an alien and then barf out his guts and go flying through outer space.
Yeah, you can't do that.
But just riding a fucking horse and skinning a bird?
But I'm on the way to a mission, but it does look pretty lame.
I can't really defend it, but I want to ride a real horse.
I want to ride a real horse.
But there's a large learning curve.
Oh yeah, it takes years to learn to ride a horse.
It's basically like being fluent in Icelandic.
That's why at tourist places in Costa Rica, there's a massive lineup of tourists from all over the world lining up to rent a horse so they can go on a horse walk.
I almost saw a horse cream this girl I was seeing at the time.
That sounds sexual.
And uh, I forgot this podcast is dirty, but yeah, no, she was just, she was like showing off and the thing like belted her off the thing, like the guy earlier today from the show, from Get Off My Lawn, the show.
Do your Bill Schultz imitation.
Um, actually I can't do it right now.
I'm sleeping.
I'm basically sleeping, and I don't know.
I'm just the worst.
I'm absolutely always drunk all the time, and I'm self-deprecating, but I'm actually one of the best guys in the world, so...
That was very good.
That was very good.
Now, what's the line between you being a monkey, where I say, do a little monkey dance, monkey, and me laughing that you're talented and can do an imitation?
Less hair.
That's the only thing.
Okay, anyway, so to get back to the homosexuals.
14 to 18 if you're in a small town very conservative town in Alabama.
I understand that fucking sucks.
Sorry.
I'm sorry, but but also like I was punk When I was fourteen.
And uh... I know, I guess it's not the same as being gay, but people wanted to fight me all the time.
And I was a freak everywhere.
Like if I was on the bus, people would go, what the fuck is that?
I don't know.
This is obviously going to be trivialized to say, oh, Gavin thinks being a punk is like being oppressed.
But if you actually tick the boxes of the quantifiable details throughout the day, Uh, it's pretty similar, I would argue.
Especially in the 80s, where in France, the police would just beat up punks regularly.
Punks in Britain, in the 80s, were banned from the pubs.
Hence the Peter and the Test Tube Baby song, banned from the pubs.
So... I would argue that, uh, being gay between 14 and 18 in a small town is like being a punk in the 80s.
Okay, so.
Sorry, you had a rough time.
Then you're 18, though, and you move to the West Village or San Francisco or London or, you know, a myriad of... Every big city basically loves gays in the Western world, which I don't know why we're not getting more accolades from the gays, by the way, for that.
Like, shouldn't gays be saying thank you?
Shouldn't they be going, wow, we're sure glad we're not in Afghanistan or something like that?
I think that this is sort of where I come from with my Western chauvinism.
How about a thanks?
I don't know.
I mean, if you're gay, I think gay in the Caribbean, in most countries, is literally illegal.
I believe it's a capital offense, meaning you should be executed in, uh, is it Trinidad and Tobago?
To be gay in the Caribbean is illegal to this day.
And if you're gay... Oh my god, that just reminds me.
I'm glad I remembered this.
So I'm hanging out in Jamaica after all the shit hit the fan recently and I just grabbed my family because I was known as a white supremacist.
So I grabbed my family and went to hang out with my friends in Jamaica.
And, uh, I was talking to the guy who's looking after the place, Jamaican guy, and we were talking about Boojoo Banton, and, you know, there's a whole Boojoo Banton episode, a few episodes ago, and, uh, we were talking about Batty Boys, which is what they call gays.
I guess the bat is the penis?
I don't know.
And he said the weirdest thing I've ever heard.
He goes, oh it's on my wedding night, you know, and I'm with my wife and we're hanging out and I hear a guy scream, you know, he's a screaming away, you know, and I check it out and and he's like a cat, you know, when a cat hears a firecracker, he's a running, he's a running through the hotel, you know, he's got Babylon closing in on him, you know, And I run down and I look back and there's like three guys chasing him with a machete, you know?
And he was laughing.
And he goes, there's three guys chasing him with a machete, you know?
A machete will fuck you up really bad.
Like, you're not being chased with three sparklers.
You're not being chased with three pins.
You're not being chased with three tiny sticks.
A machete is the end of you.
That's what butchers use to chop up our fellow mammals.
So the idea of it being funny that three guys were chasing this gay dude with machetes is bizarre to me.
Anyway, that's life as a gay outside of America.
I don't think we call it the Caribbean the West.
Definitely not when it comes to homos.
So, you're welcome for that, by the way, gays.
We worked hard.
We had a rocky time.
I think buggery was illegal in Britain right up until the 1960s, but we finally figured that out.
That's the thing people don't get about Western civilization.
We figure shit out.
Like, they talk about apartheid.
Yeah, whites in South Africa said, this is fucked up.
And whites in South Africa said, let's abolish apartheid.
It's wrong.
White people, 620,000 of them died in the Civil War.
And this is your version of events, ending slavery.
So thanks.
By the way, 620,000 for the population back then was equivalent of 5 million today.
That's essentially an American holocaust.
So there was an American holocaust to abolish slavery and everyone goes, fucking white people are the worst.
I don't know.
They seem to be working pretty hard to make everyone equitable.
So anyway, we have this culture now and it started, you know, in the 70s and 80s when I was a young man.
We kind of knew people were gay, but we kind of didn't.
We just, it was a don't ask, don't tell.
So Liberace was clearly gay, but we just went, he's a very flamboyant dude.
Meanwhile, he's dating a fucking 16 year old.
And no one says anything.
We had Paul Lin.
We had the village people screaming, YMCA, it's a great place to meet young men and fuck them.
And we were like, yep, that's awesome.
We had a band called Queen.
Queen, run by a gay dude who wanted to bring opera to the world.
Okay.
You know what?
Fine.
Just don't, like, give my kids hormone blockers and we're good.
Go fuck each other.
It's weird.
Adam Carolla says this, he goes, for, you know, society's based on penises and vaginas, and for a group to come along and go, what about buttholes?
It's very weird.
And for the vast majority, I'd argue like 95% of society, for 95% of society to go, okay, buttholes.
That's pretty weird.
Good!
I'm saying it's good.
I think you're born gay, and you shouldn't be persecuted for being a homosexual.
But it is unusual.
Let's cut the shit.
Right?
It's like people who go, I'm not gonna eat.
I only need to subsist on sunlight.
It's something that 95% of us don't get.
It's like flat earthers.
But society goes, you know what?
You're cool.
So anyway, sorry to get back to the main premise.
So then you move to the West Village, let's say ideally, and you have a pair of red leather short shorts, and you have glitter on your eyelids, and you have fake eyelashes, and your name's Jasanti, and you have a string vest, and you're in good shape, and you just, like, rip your anus to shreds.
You're basically me after a bender.
Just destroying that poor thing.
And I would argue, I just thought of this right now, that the oppression you felt in the previous four years kind of gets erased by the intense partying that gays do when they finally come out of the closet and go there.
In fact, I have a theory that we're all kind of faggy deep down in the way we behave.
Now hear me out.
So David Cross has a thing about this.
He goes, why is it like a Chinese gay is like, Or you can have a Congolese gay going, what are you doing?
Do you want to dance with me?
That was Indian, but you get the idea.
Gays are the same everywhere.
Maybe it's because that's how we act when we overindulge ourselves.
And it brings me back to my father.
who would get totally shithammered when I was a kid.
Well, he's never not been shithammered to be quite frank.
But I remember being a kid and my parents would have parties throughout the week.
It wasn't just Friday and Saturday.
My parents would have a party on Wednesday and I had to go to school the next day.
So I would come out at nine years old and there'd be like 15 boomers in my living room just dancing their ass off, smoking that shitty pot they had with the branches and the seeds in it and fucking drinking and And boomers in the 70s would just fall asleep at a party.
So I would come outside of my bedroom at maybe, not late, like 11 p.m.
And it would look like Auschwitz.
There'd be just boomers strewn around the house.
And there'd be maybe two guys still awake.
And they didn't drink liquor back then, really.
There was beer and shitty pot.
I don't know what the fuck they were doing.
But anyway.
When they would get wasted, my dad, he would pull his blazer up to his elbows, right?
You know, that was a thing in the 80s.
and he'd go, "Hurdy choo da grapevine, "Oh, how much longer will you be, mine?
"Honey, honey, yeah." Like doing Marvin Gaye with a Scottish accent, which is physically painful to hear.
It makes your ears bleed.
But it was also very sensual.
And he'd sort of be like moving his hands in this sort of gay way.
And you see this with heroin addicts.
Like my buddy, I'll call him Jay.
Him and this other guy we'll call D. When they were doing heroin together, I think they would fillet each other.
I'm sorry to say.
And Jay would say, yeah, D's my little bitch.
And I'd make him blow me and stuff.
Now these are heterosexual heroin addicts that would have gay sex.
I think acting like a fairy and being like hi everyone whatever is just really you totally overindulging yourself.
Like say I gave you a drug like heroin or something and I said just like tell me what's going on with you and be like Oh my god, I'm just like hanging out doing a podcast at the studio late at night.
And you might end up speaking gay.
So I think the very super gay talk is actually just a form of intense self-indulgence.
And where does that come from?
Well, what it comes from is... I sound so scientific about this crazy theory I just made up.
No, I haven't just made it up.
I've been talking about this for a while.
But it has no basis in science whatsoever.
I think it comes from being told you suck.
You suck.
You suck.
From 14, when you start to become sexual, to 18.
You suck.
You're a loser.
You're garbage.
You're garbage.
And then you turn 18 and you go to the West Village, and you're finally away from your parents and your sad dad and all this shit, and you're like, hello boys!
And instead of going, well man, I'm a normal person, you're like, let's rock it out!
Like my wife told me about some, she's a total fag hag, all her friends are gay, and she told me about some party she went to where this guy came out and he came bursting out of this like paper sheet, and he goes, it's great to be here, and it's great to be gay!
That's the kind of thing you... That's very symbolic, by the way.
Like, bursting through the paper.
He's bursting out of all this oppression, and he... Like, say you were a black guy, and you were told, black people suck, black people suck, and you were like, hello, how are you today?
And you had to talk like a white dude, like in the movie Get Out, from 14 to 18.
And then you move to a black hood, and it was like, yo dawg, what's up?
And you'd be like, yo, what's up?
Yo!
And then you might overdo your blackness and become like this militant, I'm black, y'all!
I'm black, y'all!
I'm bliggity, bliggity, bliggity black, y'all!
And become like this crazy Malcolm X dude.
I think that's what's happening with gays who come out of the closet because you'll notice, by the way, 58 year old gays are not like half Like they don't vogue.
They're just like, hi, how's it going?
I'm a gay dude.
I live with my husband and I work on my garden and I'm a raging homosexual.
Like they talk normal when they get older.
It's the same with wiggers.
Like when dudes are like, yo, what's up man?
Usually tall white guys who play basketball, they end up becoming black dudes in their speech.
And then, you know, they get older, they stop playing basketball and they go from like, yo, Just for real, for real, on the reals, I gotta tell you, man, that I've been frontin'.
And then you meet them, like, ten years later and they go, yeah, hi, what's going on?
So, um, I'm working on this video production company now, I do sound, um, I'm a sound technician.
You go, whatever happened to Mr. Human Beatbox?
Oh, yeah, that was during my basketball years, that was crazy times.
So they come catapulting out of the closet when they're 18 and they become magnified super gays.
And I guess what I'm admitting is we all have that in us.
Jim McInnes certainly does when he sings her to true to grapevine.
So let's say that's 18 to.
29, 30, 32, 33, where you're just like a raging homosexual, and you're dancing on the West Village, you know, having sex.
I know a lot of homosexuals, and I've noticed that their sex lives are unimaginably decadent.
Like, I think I'm kind of kooky because I've had a bunch of threesomes, and gays laugh at threesomes.
They have eightsomes in hot tubs.
Heh.
Threesome.
Oh my god.
Threesome is what I would do if I was on the wagon.
I have threesomes during Lent.
Okay, so we got a gay's life from 0 to 32 now.
And this is the part that I think pains me, is what now?
Like more partying.
I'm a 48 year old and I'm basically from 35 to 48.
You can't do Coke.
You can't do heavy drugs.
You can't like drink half a bottle of bourbon.
The next day is just for lack of a better word, AIDS.
But being single, not having a family, what else is there but partying?
You could become an academic, I guess.
But, okay.
But being an academic, I don't know.
You need a wife and kids to ground you.
Being a single gay academic just seems incredibly lonely to me.
Just reading a bunch of books.
Like Albert Einstein.
Did you know Albert Einstein was a cocksucker?
I don't mean a homosexual.
I mean a dick.
He had these rules with his wife where you cannot interrupt me when I'm doing my research.
If I want my lunch at 1pm, not one minute later, bring it in here.
Do not ever knock on my door.
He had a list of about 50 criteria of how he has to be treated.
No one ever talks about it.
It's very hard to research, but look it up.
Albert Einstein was a fucking dick to his wife.
He was a sexist piece of shit.
But at least he had someone making him stuff.
Imagine Albert Einstein without a woman to shit on.
That's basically what a gay is, an older gay.
So the tragedy of homosexuality doesn't really start until 34.
And then you sort of go, what are you doing?
And here's the other problem with gays.
So 34 to 44 is kind of like a no man's zone, right?
But then 44 and up, gays are shallow because men are shallow because people are shallow.
And Because you live in such a sexual environment, right?
It's basically just a heterosexual, like, you know how heterosexuals are in their 20s?
When they're like, nah, she farted once.
I'm done with her.
Or one of her nipples is bigger than the other.
She's done.
Like, you can afford to be picky because there's just so much sex going on.
That's true of homosexuality throughout.
So when you become an old man like me, I'm a fucking pariah.
Like, gays don't want me.
Gays don't want old men.
So these guys... It's the same sort of... I guess it's the same as the straight world.
So these older dudes, I think they call them trolls?
Yeah.
Young gays are called twinks and older gays are called trolls.
So what these trolls do is they will buy gays and they'll say, hey, they'll have a twink over and they'll buy him like a fucking iPhone or something or take him shopping at Louis Vuitton and have sex with him.
So basically it's prostitution.
It's like Thai or they'll literally go to Thailand.
I heard in Thailand, Dude, there's entire neighborhoods dedicated to old gays having sex with young boys.
And there's signs up!
Like it'll say, Boyland.
Why the fuck?
Is Trump not going in there with the National Guard and shutting down fuckin' boy land?
Fuck Afghanistan!
I don't give a shit about Afghanistan.
Can we get out of the Middle East and get into Thailand?
And shut down these disgusting brothels?
These pedophile brothels?
Call me a square, but I don't think there should be anywhere in America sanctified pedophile brothels.
So that's what concerns me.
And I'm not saying it should be abolished or anything, but I'm just saying, like, say your son says he's gay.
Sure, it's disarming.
It's weird.
It's like your son saying he's an albino or something.
Your son is part of a very unique group that isn't really formally accepted in society.
It's like your son's a flat earther or something.
So there's that.
That's not a huge deal.
The real huge deal, I think, is post 35, they don't really get to graduate into the same adulthood the rest of us do.
And yes, I know some adopt and synthesize a normal, you know, marriage and a normal fraternal, not fraternal, a normal patriarchal society with kids and stuff, but it's...
I mean, at best, it's a synthesization.
It's a duplicate.
It's not the real thing.
I was talking to a woman today about this, where she goes, your stepdad's not your dad.
I mean, he's your dad, and he raised you since he was three, but he's not your dad.
She goes, your stepmom's not your mom.
Like, when I smell my five-year-old's hair, I'm smelling like my hair.
And I have this thing with my toes, where my big toe is oddly separate from my other toes.
It looks like there's enough room for another toe in there.
And when I look at my kid's toes, I see the same trait.
I see this weird space.
A stepmom doesn't see that.
And I'm not against stepmoms.
I think it's very noble for you to pick up the pieces and put a family together.
And I think it's very noble to adopt.
Even if you're gay, I think it's very noble to adopt.
There was a problem there and you fixed it.
That's awesome.
But, biologically, there's a hole.
And that's what a father feels when he finds out his son's gay.
He goes, there's inevitably going to be a hole.
And you know, the way we're designed physically, partying is brutal on an old man.
Like I'm 48.
I, as I said on my show the other day, I had too many maker's marks after work and I went careening off of a parked car so bad that I feel like a World War II vet right now.
That was just three makers.
The gay lifestyle is like all night parties and drugs and, you know, Halloween costumes and stuff.
I don't know.
Just seems kind of sad at the end of the day.
It seems kind of sad to not be part of the club.
And God, I'm not saying that being gay is blasphemous or you're going to hell or any stupid shit like that.
Fuck you.
But God set up a system where we have our crazy years and then we do this and then we meet a girl and then we have babies and then we stop being crazy and then they have kids and they go through the same cycle and we're all part of the process.
So when you have grandkids or whatever, you're all part of the chain.
You're linked to society.
Inextricably linked.
But gays must feel like, somehow I'm pushed out of the system.
Somehow I'm not part of the chain.
That must chip away at your self-esteem somehow.
Like, say you're a murderer.
I'm not saying gays are murderers.
You'll notice, by the way, how I have to quantify everything remotely controversial, I say?
That's the society we're living in.
You can't, like, pontificate anymore.
But anyway.
A murderer, he's ostracized from society.
You kill someone, you have nightmares every night, you can't get married, no one wants to sleep with you, you're not part of the community, and you're shunned.
Gays, for no fault of their own, Experience a similar sort of societal ostracization where they're not going to have kids, they're not even in a cool liberal enclave, you know, like the West Village in New York, you're still not going to be part of the grand scheme of things.
That's the crux of what I'm saying.
Genetically, you're not part of the grand scheme of things and that must chip away that must lead to I Don't know suicide the gay suicide rate is higher than the straight suicide rate.
I assume I know the trans suicide rate is off the off the charts but that must lead to a sense of Not belonging and and I wouldn't be surprised if that sense of not belonging leads to a sense of resentment.
Where you go, you know what?
Well, fuck you guys.
I mean, that's my attitude.
I live here in liberal New York and my attitude is kind of like, you know what?
Well, fuck you.
I'm like a gay.
Being pro-Trump in New York is being gay.
Being pro-Trump in the 50s.
Being pro-Trump, um...
In any sort of liberal area is like being gay.
And I'll bore you with the story I've already told people, but I was at a... That wasn't a fart, I'm playing with my hands.
Did I ever tell you this story, Ryan?
I was at a family thing with my wife's family, and it was kind of like a family reunion.
And everyone's from Mad Rad, Madison, Wisconsin, very liberal.
And one of the rules at the family thing was no Trump.
Got it.
No politics at all.
Got it.
So I'm sort of scanning, there's probably about 15-20 people there, and I'm sort of scanning the room and I'm horny for Trump.
And there's this guy, he's like the son of one of my wife's parents' fucking cousins, uncles, whatever.
And we were talking about corporate taxes and he goes, well, I don't know.
I think maybe, you know, take it easier in the corporations and they're more likely to hire more people, probably better for the whole country overall.
I mean, why punish a corporation for making money?
It's just going to lead to more jobs.
And then we met eyes across the room like, what did you just say?
And then I sort of shimmied over to him and I go, yeah, I mean, it's counterintuitive, obviously, to reward someone for being a billionaire, but wouldn't that just keep the money in the country?
And then we meet eyes.
It's almost like I said, yeah, I like the band Queen.
They have some good songs.
So we start like, like homosexuals.
vibing off each other.
And then I go, I'm gonna go get more beer at the beer store.
Do you wanna join me?
And he's like, yeah, I'll go for the ride.
We get in the car.
The doors close.
This is in Malibu at a rented house.
And as we're driving, it's just like, oh my God, the economy's booming and blackout points the lowest it's ever been in history.
And the economy's on fire.
And I talked to real estate agents.
They're a good metric of what's going on.
They say they're selling houses again.
It seems like the bravery is back in the economy.
And there's all these different things.
I mean, we need the wall, obviously.
But Trump's saying that he's building the wall now.
And we were just like... It was like gays having sex.
But like passionately and impatiently, like the scene from Brokeback, but like sped up, like spitting in the hand, fucking grabbing hair, grabbing the thigh, ripping the shirt off.
And you're like, we have to go back in there.
It was literally like the scene in Brokeback Mountain on Fast Forward.
And then we bought the beer and we got back in the car and still...
Because we haven't talked about it the whole time we've been there.
It was like a five-day vacation.
And then we get back to the rented house, and he goes in one direction, and I go to the other direction, and I put the beer in the fridge, and we don't look at each other again.
Zero vibes.
Everybody's like, did they have a fight in the car?
It's like, we already came.
And I've seen on the internet people giving me shit for that analogy, like it trivializes, you know, Stonewall or whatever, or some like gay bashing and shit.
But, you know, Joe Vivald got bottled in the face for wearing a MAGA hat.
Can I relate that to gayness also?
Because that's a t-shirt.
Can I relate that to gayness also?
And then MAGA on the back and people be like, what is that shirt?
But you'll just kind of put stuff because here's the thing like when I meet people from That I used to go to school with and stuff like that And I don't know if they're conservative or what but they know what I am because of my Facebook post But I'll just make it okay for them to kind of announce whatever they're I'm like they're like yeah You know I think the liberals are going pretty crazy.
I'm like yeah, that's that's cool, and I'm not fishing anything out of them I'm not like So that means you like Trump, right?
You're one of us.
Right.
Yeah, that's a good point.
It's like a gay in the 50s wouldn't go, yeah, well, I love cocks and I want to suck them right now.
A gay in the 50s would just go, well, that's up to you.
I'm not a big boob guy.
I'm sure you guys love Bridgette Bardot or Raquel Welch or whatever.
You would talk around it.
That's not really my style, but I like that.
Enjoy your giant tits, sir.
But then just by being nice, they kind of warm up, and they're like, all right, fine.
I like Trump.
All right, fine.
I suck dicks.
Yeah, and I bet it was like in the 50s, like, all right, fine.
I think being a gay is disgusting.
Just by being nice.
Yeah, and then you go, well, I understand that you think it's weird, but I am in love with men.
And that man is Trump.
Well, it's like today, where I said, don't wear your MAGA hat on the train.
It could lead to trouble.
But you know what's real funny?
In the episode I'm editing in the studio, there's some other editors there.
And they see me up on the thing, and not everybody there is pro-Trump.
So they see the hat, they're like, I wouldn't wear that hat in this city.
I was like, well, I'm not white, so I could do it.
And just that truth, it's like, that should insult you.
You as a white person should be like, dude, it should insult you.
I could wear it because I'm not white.
You should be like, dude, what the fuck does that mean?
Bill Burr had to marry a black chick.
Just to get out of jail free.
I do not sign off on any of what has been said, dude.
I'd love to meet you.
Big fan.
Wait, was that you as Ryan appealing to Bill Burr?
Yeah, this is an impersonation or facsimile of Bill Burr.
I understand, but when you just said, I don't agree with anything that's been said, you were separating yourself from me and saying, Bill Burr, I still want to meet you, I don't think you married that black chick just to get out of jail for you.
Yeah, I suppose it is me, because Bill Burr wouldn't want to meet himself.
I'm confused.
I broke character with the content.
But you broke character while still doing a Bill Burr imitation.
That is odd, yes.
So you were speaking to Bill Burr, As him.
As Bill Burr.
Right.
He probably thinks he's conscious now.
Don't listen to Gavin.
Yeah.
Listen to me.
I don't think that... I don't like Gavin's joke about the black wife.
Yeah.
That was accidentally genius though.
Nope.
That was retarded.
He might think it's his inner monologue and he's like, oh dude, I'm right.
That kid's great.
I love millennials.
They do something retarded like talk to someone doing an imitation of that guy and they go, that was actually kind of genius.
That's really true.
I kind of nailed it with that.
That was really cool of me.
Of course no one's ever done that before, probably for logical reasons, but I'm a trailblazer.
I'm a trailblazer.
I do a thing where I talk to people in imitations of themselves and say, I hate Gavin, my boss.
That is totally a millennial thing.
Owning up to a mistake and being like, that's just how I do things.
That was actually kind of awesome.
You got drunk, and you crashed your car, and you killed a kid.
I know, but that was kind of like... Well, first of all, the population is lower now.
I thought it was kind of cool what I did.
That kid was totally gonna die anyway.
I don't do kid jokes.
No, me neither.
That was awful.
That was Bill Burr.
Let's get back to homosexuality.
Uh, I told you about the guy.
This is in my book, The Death of Cool, where this guy, um, he lived above me.
He was a, I believe, a World War II vet.
And, uh, his anus, uh, just was destroyed.
And he called the police, and I could hear him through the ceiling, because the walls were thin.
I lived in a shitty apartment in Montreal, and I could hear him say, Well, I don't know what you do here!
If you throw in the... I'm thrown in the towel.
So I don't know what you do if you put me in jail or what it is, but my walls are a mess.
He just somehow shat all over the walls, which I don't get at all.
Unless you walked around the house nude.
His anus is just so distended that feces was just falling out.
Now, even if that's true, if that happened to me tomorrow, there'd be none on the walls.
And I talked to the landlord, he said he had to rip down all the drywall.
So, what are you doing?
You're on a skateboard in the doggy style position?
Just like, splattering the walls?
How did you... How did you get into that situation?
My anus could be the size of four donuts.
And I still would keep it within, like, the butt zone.
It would not be on the walls.
But anyway, he, um...
He was taken away to an old folks home.
What an awful time to hula hoop.
Sir, you need to stop hula hooping.
Is there a hula hoop in your home?
Well, yeah, there's one.
I only do it a couple hours a day.
It's only the size of my distended asshole.
So, this brings up another unfortunate topic.
Which is the wear and tear on a person's posterior when they pursue that one particular sexual proclivity.
And my understanding is that within the homosexual community, bottoms are something like 90% of the field, which I don't quite get.
If I was to pursue that endeavor, I would definitely want to pursue top and do the doing, not the being done to.
But yeah, they tend to be mostly bottoms, and it shreds your bottom.
You know, it doesn't really stand up to a lot of wear and tear, that thing.
As an alcoholic, who always has, you know, brutal problems the next day, I can only imagine if a penis was involved in that mess.
So that's another issue that no one talks about.
What it does, in fact, you know what we're hearing about now?
Thanks to pornography, young girls are experiencing as much anal sex as gays do, and there is a massive epidemic with anal tearing and anal distention within the millennial female community.
That's not gonna make it to the six o'clock news, because people are eating, but the women who are out there dating, Pornography has turned every cute little hand-holding session into XXX porn, and these women's anuses are getting shredded.
I feel terrible telling you this, because it sounds like I'm Gigi Allen right now, but I'm just telling you facts.
Yeah, that whole pink sock thing where the prolapse, their ass goes from in to out.
It's not even like a fetish thing.
I'm sure my bosses are hearing this and going, why is Gavin saying such horrible things?
I didn't know this was a porn site.
This is stuff that's happening on Earth.
Yeah.
The news isn't talking about it, and I don't like it, and I didn't want to talk about it, but this is a thing now.
It's like the opioid crisis of assholes.
You know why that's so funny?
Because it literally is.
It's the unseen, untalked about.
That's what an analogy... And it's being promoted, you know, You know, it's being promoted fiercely.
Oh, Artie Lang is on the show.
Artie, what do you think about this new trend?
Yeah, did I ever tell you about Tony Curtis?
Yeah, you mentioned it many, many times.
Alright, I'm gonna skip that one then.
Yeah, but no, that's true.
That's totally happening and that'll ruin you for life.
Yeah, I don't want to conflate these two things, too.
There's one thing.
The topic of this podcast is me just being curious what it's like to be gay.
It must be weird to wake up on a dude's chest, like with your ears on his pecs and your leg over his hairy legs.
That's obviously confusing to me as a straight person.
That must be weird.
That's sort of like a silly thing.
Secondly, totally separate topic.
I feel bad about gays when I think about their lives post 35 because they can't be part of the same chapters we're part of, which is the, um, having kids and knowing there's grandkids in the future.
And that seems beautiful to me and you guys don't have that.
And that breaks my heart.
And that's why it would break my heart if my sons were gay.
Um, not because I think, you know, being gay is evil, but just cause they'd be missing out on a thing.
It's empathy actually.
And then third, Totally separate.
No, sorry.
And the third is what it does to your anus.
It's not good.
Rips it to shreds.
And then fourth, I jumped to a new topic where I said, with this proliferation of pornography, women are experiencing It's basically a gay lifestyle at a young age and it's having physical effects.
It's having medical effects that, uh, are both funny and daunting at the same time.
And, uh, you only hear about it on this podcast, which is, uh, called Get Off My Lawn.
Wait a minute.
Update.
Update.
Um, and, and we don't end the pod.
Do you listen to my podcast?
No.
Have you ever listened to one of my podcasts?
Yeah, the one that I don't know.
It's really funny.
We forgot some important details.
One that you just brought up.
Do you want to just repeat that?
Yeah, also it's after a certain point, you know, you get to a certain age and You have a kid, and now you're living for somebody else.
Now you're responsible for somebody else.
It's like, you know, unless you're super in love with yourself, you might start being like, you know what, I'm kind of sick of the old rye guy.
But you got a little dude, you got a little kid that you have to be around for, and you're living for something else.
Yeah, like, heterosexuals.
If the guy has some money, or even if not, he'll often be able to find a girl 30 years younger, 20 years younger, 10 years younger, who wants him, and then he's like, I gotta get out of bed, I gotta shower and stuff.
Gays are more shallow, so they tend, these older homos tend not to have someone who wants them, and that, they get depressed, and they get lonely.
Because, I don't know, they just don't, they don't have the opportunity, and that's, That's profoundly sad, but here's another thing that I'm going to talk about when I was talking about the chapters in your life.
A centenarian, do you know what a centenarian is?
Somebody over a hundred years old.
Whoa.
Yes.
The Japanese in you knows stuff.
So a centenarian, they did all these studies on centenarians and they created a Venn diagram.
You probably don't know what that is.
Yes, I do.
What's a Venn diagram?
It's a visual representation of two different things, and the section in which they meet in the middle is the common attributes.
Okay, you're good, you're good.
All right, last question.
Let's see if we can get this.
What is a caterpillar?
That would be the form before a butterfly.
It is a dopa pod.
It's a brand of construction equipment.
Yes, and shoe.
The centenarians, they found the Venn diagram was, they tend to be island people, like near water, so they tend to be Japanese, Greek.
Puerto Rican.
Okay.
They tend to have, and obviously part of island life is fish, so fish tended to be a thing here.
I think fish helps you.
This is, sorry, I'm talking about Not just centenarians, but people who are able to thwart senility and Alzheimer's.
And then the third thing was they tend to be around their grandchildren and their great-grandchildren.
Now here's where it gets kooky.
I believe God, and if you're an atheist just use the word nature, Plants these chips in your head and says, I want to give endorphins when someone does good that helps the entire species.
So when you're a great grandfather, or when you're even a grandfather, you go, holy fuck, I'd fucking nailed it.
Like when you're a dad and you have kids, you go, I think I did a pretty good job.
But those kids could all die and you could screw up and you didn't do anything.
Once your kids have kids, that's different.
And if you go on YouTube, And you see these, um, people announcing to their parents that they're pregnant and you see the way the grandparents react, they go apoplectic.
And I believe that is like a Darwinian thing where they go, okay, now I've officially nailed it.
I've officially set my feet in the sand.
I've officially done it.
And I made baby's babies.
It's one thing to make babies.
You're not really accomplished until you make babies' babies.
And when your daughter tells you she's pregnant, you just made babies' babies, now you can just go fucking walk off a pier.
You're good.
You're done.
And these centenarians, you know, there's even been cases, there's a great article in the New York Times about this, where they talked about guys who were experiencing Alzheimer's, they went back to Greece, whatever, lived with their grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and the Alzheimer's actually went away.
They could reverse the process of dementia and Alzheimer's and whatever the other one is.
Um, and I think that is a Darwinian thing, where, you know, your body releases endorphins when they see you around your great-grandchildren, because they go, you really fucking nailed it, dude.
Plus, kids are jumping around, and they're, you know, saying things, and they're stimulating your brain.
When you're 100 years old, you're mostly just around old people going, let's throw in the towel.
But a four-year-old isn't saying, don't throw in the towel, look at this, feel my muscles, look how strong I am, feel my muscles.
And also the feeling usefulness as far as like imparting wisdom onto them, like you have all these things that you've learned and all this stuff that you've experienced and how do you pass that down?
People over probably ten don't want to hear it.
Yeah, I didn't think of that.
Yeah, there's definitely an element of that too, where you're not just talking to the kids, you're talking to the 40-year-old dad and saying, look, your daughter is going to be a problem for a long time because she is of that age, but you have to stand by her.
And just make sure that when she needs you, you are there.
But as far as intervening with this relationship with this boy, I don't think you can change that.
You're just going to make it worse, Vincent.
She's going to resent you.
She's going to resent you, Vincent.
Just all you can do is be there for her and make sure that Vincent, I mean, sorry, Krakos is good to her.
If Krakos hurts her, of course, Mew and I will kill him.
I will kill him because I don't care about jail.
But as far as dating, Vincent, you need to let her date Krakos because she is growing as a woman and there's nothing you can do.
And I am Triumph the insult dog.
You're a great grandfather.
She is a great granddaughter.
Let's do Pupa.
No, go off.
Have fun.
Yeah.
But you know what?
I had this theory that right after I kind of left my great-grandparents, my great-grandmother's still alive, but after I moved to my grandparents out of the Bronx, my great-grandfather got dementia.
And I was like, maybe that's because he's pretty much raised me.
And then I just disappear.
He's like, wait, what happened?
Didn't I just raise something?
Isn't that like God's way of saying, OK, you can die now?
Yeah, it's fucked.
So you killed your great-grandfather.
Yeah, but then he bought me my first guitar and I played him music, and music is the only thing that lights up their brain.
Oh yeah, they like that, yeah.
So that was like a nice full circle, but still I'm pretty bummed about giving him Alzheimer's for Pete's sake.
You know what else is really sad about not procreating?
Like Anthony Cumia, I think you actually told him, so you're not having kids, so no more Cumia after you.
You know, it was Bill.
Yeah, no, Anthony's got Don.
Don has two kids.
Yeah, but there won't be a little... Joe Camia might have kids, I can't remember.
I think so, but still, like... But, yeah, it's such a waste.
That was Anthony's shitty dad who fucking took off on them.
But, um... Yeah, imagine how cool Anthony's kid would be.
He'd just be, like, fucking funny.
Well, that's the thing with Anthony.
He goes, oh, I can't have kids.
You know, I'd be a terrible dad.
Oh, really?
What do you do, terrible dad?
Well, I play video games and I drive...
I drive drones around my neighborhood and look at cool shit.
Oh yeah, young boys hate that.
Oh I'm sorry, you want to avoid being a perfect dad, I understand.
There's one thing a little boy doesn't want to do, it's drive a drone around the neighborhood with his dad.
I was thinking about writing a movie for him, and I was crazy enough to actually tell him this concept, where when he was out in California, when his dad brought him out, he accidentally knocked up a chick, and he's got a kid out there, and just fully grown, comes up to him and is like, hey dad, it's me!
Wow, that's such a shitty ending to such a great podcast.
We nailed it, we were being scientific, and we're using giant words like centenarian, and then you fucking fanboy, you just ruined it.
That's absolutely true.
Let's just press stop.
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