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Oct. 4, 2018 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:08:02
Ep 193 | Road Trip | Get Off My Lawn
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Don't FaceTime while you're at the party.
FaceTime me when you get home.
Don't send me videos you already put on Snapchat.
Those are all handy tips from Riffraff, who was a popular rapper.
I believe he's Floridian.
He's got Eminem on his new album, a new album coming out called Vanilla Gorilla.
And he basically said he's coming out of retirement because rappers suck now.
He said they're all wimps and they look weak like they've never been to the gym.
And the reason I care about all of this is to tell you that Riffraff is hilarious.
He's a really funny dude.
And that's rare.
It's not that rare in hardcore, as I told you in a previous episode.
But rappers like Eminem, goddamn, every time you see a picture of him, he's going, he's so sexy.
He honestly poses in photos like a woman.
Like that chick who's in the new Jurassic world.
She's super pretty.
But every scene in the movie, she's being beautiful.
And they're explaining, okay, so there's going to be dinosaurs there, and we want you to help them get them out.
And she's just going, like being gorgeous in every shot.
And it's like, lady, relax.
I'm not into you.
You're not my type.
Stop wowing us with your gorgeosity.
And that's what Eminem does.
I think he's had work done too.
So he's like, holy crap, I'm beautiful.
Remember when he was funny?
He started out as a funny dude, and then he became Victoria Beckham.
He's like posh spice now.
See, I'm not sure if it's beauty he's going for or if it's like iconic.
I'm iconic.
Yeah, yeah, you're probably right.
He's going for like a Muhammad Ali.
I'm a legend.
Stoic.
One of the original great rappers, like Mount Rushmore face all the time.
Exactly.
Yeah, I am the statue of myself.
I'm one for the books.
That's lame to think that you're a consequential person in history.
I think it quietly in my own bedroom, privately, but I never say it out loud.
I just, out loud, I go, just like you or me, I put my pants on the same leg.
And then when I'm in the shower, I look at my body and I go, this is divine intervention.
We have the second coming.
We have the Messiah.
I am the one.
So this dude, Riffraff, clearly doesn't have a very exalted opinion of himself.
He has a sense of humor about himself still, despite his fame.
Remember the movie Spring Break?
I think Harmony Corinne made it.
It's really, really good.
Did he make that?
Pretty sure.
Oh, wow.
And the guy that James Jafranco plays is a Riffraff type character, and Riffraff tried to sue him.
Anyway, Riffraff has since moved on from that persona.
Now he's doing more of a redneck thing.
But just check out any of his videos.
What do you got there?
Oh, this is a good one.
Well, looks like I got to put in my two weeks' notice down here at the construction plant.
Had to call up my good friend Ronnie J and show, boys, how it's done.
What are you doing?
I can't believe I had to come out of retirement.
Because I'm going to tell you what.
Every single one of these looks the same.
Y'all must have the same hairdresser.
Y'all must have the same mammy and the same papa because your DNA is the same.
Y'all about five for something or other.
Y'all got the same names, little such and such, little scratch or snip.
And ain't Nan Woody ever go to the gym?
What you gonna do when that vanilla gorilla album drops?
You gonna call up your mammy while you're up under your fork tent playing forkknife?
And she's gonna bring you a little eight-ounce sun kiss?
Ain't gonna happen.
What's you gonna do when the vanilla gorilla album drops on you?
Do you?
That's a promo he made for his album with zero dollars.
That's just Snapchat.
That guy rules.
I know.
You gotta follow him on Instagram.
But pull back to his main page and check out.
He does this Swedish character.
Sergei Dev Slater.
The second, of course.
Over here's my friend Emily.
Of course, come on.
My side.
Hot chicken stace.
Okay.
You don't want to join me.
go ahead and just keep things rolling over here this right here this position right here is known as the maui edition it's for it's not It's not even intermittent.
Come on, Don Justin.
Get a fan.
Emily.
Let me corner.
Just take a sip of this.
Look at this.
Watch your balance and your palate.
Bring some nice fruit friends here right now.
We got an importer from Switzerland.
The third Alp from the Sun.
I've seen it literally about a thousand times.
I hope this isn't Vic Berger who did this.
It looks like it was produced by Adult Swim.
Uh-oh, that's bad news.
Vic Berger?
Yeah, my stalker?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sucks when your stalker makes a funny video of a cool dude.
Here's my plan for today's show.
Thursday is like our Friday, and it should be a fun laid-back show.
You're partying now.
I think the squares are the ones who party on Friday, right?
You're cool.
You party on Thursday and Monday and stuff when it's not too crowded out there.
You like to recharge your bats on Fry.
So I thought it'd be a fun thing to, a fun opportunity to discuss my road trip I did with my family.
Now look this up.
There's a million articles about this.
Road trips are very healthy.
I know it sounds rough.
A lot of driving.
You can usually take it down to four hour spurts.
And that's what I did.
I mean, there was a couple six hour sessions, but we rented a big sprinter van.
You got that picture?
Rented one of these puppies.
You don't have to do that.
This was like $400 a day.
It was pretty expensive.
But it had tons of seats and rooms and shelves.
And it had a big movie screen in the back.
So the kids would watch a movie.
Only thing distracting about that is when there's a car chase scene and you hear an alarm, a cop siren, wee, wee, wee, and you poop your panties.
You make the poo-poo.
But I want to show you a map my wife and I mapped out.
This is what we did.
I can't recommend this enough.
It was one of our best vacations we've ever had.
And it was relatively cheap besides the Sprinter van.
We've been to Atlantis, we've been to Jamaica, you know, fun little inclusive deals that are super pricey.
This one was way cheaper than any of that.
And there was way more fun and variety for the kids.
I don't really like resorts anymore.
Like Atlantis costs a fortune, and it's like the same thing.
You do the water slide, you wait in line a lot, then what are you doing?
You're just sitting around in the hotel, you go out to dinner.
I don't know.
This is a different city several times a day.
So we start in New York City.
We go to Cooperstown where the Baseball Hall of Fame is.
My son is obsessed with baseball, so he's thrilled.
We barely see him actually because he runs ahead of us.
But there's tons of family stuff in Cooperstown too, like those lock boxes, you know those?
They lock you in a room, and there's one key to get out.
But to get the key, you have to go to this thing and then get this.
And there's a clue that takes you to this box, and then that clue takes you that.
And there's different themed ones, like baseball-themed questions or rock and roll-themed questions.
Was it challenging?
Because I'm familiar with those things, but is it?
But what they do is there's a guy watching you because he doesn't want you to die in there.
So he'll say, you're bucking up the wrong tree or something, or you were warmer earlier.
They give you clues when you're screwing up.
But it's also breathtaking.
So we'll get there, Cooperstown.
And then we went to go back to the map.
Then we went to Rochester, New York, where there's the play museum called the Strong Museum.
I'll show you that.
Then we went to Niagara Falls, which is tacky and post-apocalyptic and sad, but also beautiful.
My wife and I are fans of it.
I think because we're genetically white trash, our parents were very poor, so we kind of like trashy things, but you kind of juxtapose it with fancy by staying at a nice hotel the last couple nights.
So that's a weird taste you might not be into, and I totally understand if you weren't.
Then Niagara Falls all the way to Perth, because I have friends there with a farm, a bee farm that I've, a friend I've had since I was a kid.
Not a kid, but like a 20-year-old.
He was my boss tree planting.
Then it was Ottawa to see the parents.
Tried not to get in a fight with my dad or my mom there.
That's always a challenge.
Then over to Montreal, see my old buddies from my old hometown.
And then it's six hours back down to New York City.
Totally awesome.
Want to go through it with us?
Oh, geez, there's one picture.
There's one picture I got to show you.
Poop La Roop.
I didn't see it in the Perth ones.
To jump ahead, my farmer buddy, my farmer buddy, he had these guys repair, sorry, install lighting in his workshop.
Now, what's crazy about that is they are retired teachers, and it's really hard to find laborers these days.
So he got these retired teachers, and as I've always said, teachers are incompetent.
No, I'll find it.
Teachers are incompetent, so they can't even do the same kind of jobs you and I would do when we were 17.
Like if we were told, can you help light this studio?
We'd say, yeah, no problem.
I'll hook it up.
And oh, here, I found it.
Oh, my God.
It's the greatest.
So teachers are boobs.
And I think they come out of their careers retiring early with way too much money.
And they end up dumber and less competent than when they went into their profession.
So when they get to this guy who just makes honey on an industrial level, right, he just wants a place.
He totally mouse-proofed it, which in the country is amazing.
Steel everywhere.
It's airtight.
There's no way a mouse could get in.
And look at the lighting they provided for my farmer buddy.
Look at that job.
Look at that.
Their idea was variety.
You don't want cold fluorescent light.
Yes, I do.
I'm looking at honey.
I want to see if there's like drops of dirt or stuff and stuff like that in it.
I want clinical.
I want hospital.
It looks, I said, dude, you have to take this down.
It looks like the lighting section of Home Depot was vandalized.
Zoom in on some of those.
Now, if you don't find this interesting, then this show is going to suck and you should just turn it off right now.
But can you believe that abomination?
That's some random, like, apartment in the city's kitchen light.
And then right next to that, there's a totally different...
They're all different.
They're all different.
Those two are the same.
And then look at the way they're presented even.
That's irritating.
The cord on the cord on the cord.
Now maybe you have a snowball's chance in hell of convincing me that this was a good idea if say you chose one of those lights and it was just like 36 of them, all identical, beautifully set into the wall with no visible cords.
Maybe we would have, probably not, but maybe you would have something to say, but what the F is this?
That's teachers.
And you know what else they did?
They finished, helped her finish the basement, and they said, they're almost done, everything's looking good.
And then they say, his wife's name's Maria, and they make a sign, they hand-paint a sign, and they nail it into the wall, big holes in the wall, and it says, Maria's yoga studio.
It's not her yoga studio.
What?
Yeah, I do yoga.
It's none of your business.
I don't teach it.
Why'd you drill that sign into our new wall?
Teachers, man.
Teachers.
Incompetent.
I found that.
I laughed my head off at that ceiling for about four minutes, and I think I woke up laughing the next day.
Anyway, so let's go back to the trip.
We leave New York.
Choo-woo, everybody in.
That thing is so gigantic that you barely have to think about packing.
You just throw stuff in the back.
And the beauty of renting a big van like that, too, is you can have two big trunks that you can barely Lift and just throw everything in that.
So we go to Cooperstown and let me share some pics with you.
I feel like maybe we should have music to this show.
There's my son.
Of course, I am being stalked and harassed by mentally ill Antifa lunatics, so I can't show you my children's faces.
You'll notice that the left can show faces all day long.
Chris Hayes, Rachel Meadow, go look at their kids anytime you want.
My kids, I gotta hide.
So anyway, go back.
That was at the Otessaga Resort and Hotel, which is a beautiful hotel right on the water in Cooperstown.
Cooperstown is near Albany in upstate New York.
It's where the Baseball Hall of Fame is.
Now, this hotel is breathtaking.
Maybe you could pull up a picture of it.
The reason it exists is a great story.
There was Singer, the guy who made the sewing machines, right?
Way back in, I think, the 20s, he said, I have this brilliant idea for a sewing machine.
We could make it on an industrial level, but we could also make it so, I could get it so cheap.
I could make it so cheap that households would buy it.
And now moms can make their own clothes and everyone can save tons of money.
And it could be not just in America, but in Britain too.
In fact, we should make this the place in Scotland.
We'll make the main office, the main factory in Scotland, and we'll be shipping out more than we can, more than, more orders than we can fulfill.
But I don't have any money.
I just know it's a great idea.
And so some New York copyright lawyer goes, how about this?
Give me 40%, or I don't know what his percentage was.
I'll do all the paperwork, file all the trademarks, do all the work.
I'll bust my ass for a year, but I get a percentage of the company.
He goes, no problem.
They both become billionaires way back then.
Multi-millionaires.
So with this insane amount of money he has, the lawyer, he starts buying real estate.
He builds the Dakota building in New York City where John Lennon was shot.
And he purchases this hotel.
What a butte.
Look at that place.
And it's as beautiful inside as it is outside.
So that's the kids playing in the pool.
So classy and clean and civilized.
So civilized.
It makes you long for the 1950s, doesn't it?
When boys were boys and men were men.
All right, let's show some more pics.
Is that one?
Yes.
Oh, this is an awesome place.
It's a batting cage.
What the hell is it called?
My mind always blanks on the name of some places, but it's right by the parking lot, by the main parking lot by, I think I have it there.
There we go.
Firefighters.
No, that's not what it's called.
It's a batting cage.
It's got old-timey video games.
It's also got a pitching cage.
It's super cheap.
And you go there, you get a beer, a hot dog.
You play Space Invaders.
You whip a ball at for me, 50 miles an hour.
My son, I think, is faster than me.
You hit a bunch of balls at any speed you want.
They got all kinds of different settings.
It's one of the best places on Earth.
Every time we go there, we spend the majority of our time there.
It's kind of trashy and kind of awesome.
I want to open one of my own.
This was on the street.
There's sort of a main drag.
I don't know.
My son goes into every store.
It's all the same shirts and like Yankees hats and Mets shoes and stuff.
Oh, I did purchase this.
Look at this cool jacket I got.
See the back?
World Series champions.
Of course, to be Braggadocious as a Mets fan and talk about how awesome you are as a World Series championship, you have to be wearing a shirt from 1986.
You got to go pretty far back to brag with the Mets, but I don't know.
I feel like this is kind of like Bobo, like a whackpacker would wear this jacket.
It's sort of like a mentally handicapped person would wear this.
But I guess you have to be mentally handicapped to love the Mets.
So that's a cool motorcycle with a bunch of art on it.
You know, famous baseball guys.
Keep going.
That was people playing the national anthem in a band voluntarily on the grass at that Odissaga hotel in the evening as we ate dinner.
I mean, what is in heaven?
I guess there was no curse.
Chicago, the Chicago Cubs just sucked for 18 years.
That's a cool shirt.
Just your team sucks.
There was that for almost every team, by the way.
Keep going.
That's the side of that motorbike I was telling you about.
Babe Ruth on the side.
Babe Ruth, back then they used to make fun of catchers in sports, like baseball catchers.
They were seen as dumb losers.
I don't get it.
That's the place I was talking about earlier.
Some of these are going to be out of sync.
You wouldn't believe they have on a chalkboard all the records for the best pitch of that day.
And if you throw 50 miles an hour, you feel like your hand's going to fall off.
And a lot of them say 75, 80, 92.
I think there must be retired guys there.
And you also have to remember, lots of people almost got in the MLB.
They were the best in their entire high school, best in their town, best in their neighborhood, best in the state.
But that doesn't mean you're getting in the MLB.
No matter how good you are, in my little town in Westchester, we have like the kid that everyone talks about, and he is unbelievable.
Literally hits it out of the park into the next baseball field.
He's probably not going to be in the MLB.
I don't think a lot of kids get that.
All right, let's do some more.
We're going to leave this soon.
There we go.
Civilized, heavenly, just having a beer there.
No trouble, no danger.
Just peace.
Keep going.
What's that?
There's no kneeling in baseball.
America's game.
I just feel safe in baseball.
They should call it safe ball.
There's no kneeling in baseball.
Who's that?
Jackie Stewart?
Oh, keep going.
That's Cooperstown.
All right.
So you stay there overnight, stay at the hotel, go for a walk.
I actually talked to the guy about opening a batting cage.
And we go to the Hall of Fame and all that stuff.
And it's funny, the roles too on these road trips.
Like I'm driving.
My wife doesn't touch a steering wheel once.
I'm lifting all the luggage in everywhere we go.
She's choosing the hotels and making sure the kids are fed and packing the bags.
I move the bag.
I'm like a laborer.
And we love, we don't, I can't speak for her, but I love that role.
I will drive eight Hours in a blizzard, as long as I don't have to worry if my son has had a hot dog recently.
And my wife is happy to handle all the food and stuff as long as she doesn't have to drive in a blizzard.
And I left a million pounds.
All right, so I don't know why you're looking at that.
You're way ahead.
That's Montreal.
So next was Rochester.
Go back to the map.
So we stayed there, I think, probably about 24 hours.
And then Rochester was four hours away.
You want to break up the trip to Niagara Falls.
Niagara Falls to New York can be about 12 hours and it's just hell on earth.
So driving isn't bad when you break it up a little bit.
So we go to Rochester and we go to this super awesome place.
Now I sound like you doing an imitation of me.
And it ruled.
It was called the Strong Museum.
And it is a rich family who made tons of money and I don't know what strong, what is strong, tires or something?
Something uninteresting, industrial.
And the family decided to invest in a museum.
Yeah, look at that.
That's the Strong Museum.
Now, here's what's amazing about it.
It's not just a pile of toys.
It is all toys ever.
Not quite, but you get the idea.
And then really in-depth documentation of what is a toy and when was it indoctrinated into the whole concept of a toy hall of fame, what registers as a toy.
And they justify it all.
They say fun involves this and that.
Like riding a motorcycle isn't fun.
It doesn't count as play, sorry, because it's also utilitarian.
I mean, I don't really care whether what they said is true or correct or not.
That's open to interpretation.
But just the fact that they tried and they were so sincere and dedicated to the idea of children playing.
And in a world where we have all these kids on screens, I really appreciated their attention to detail and treating fun as so important because fun is incredibly important.
So what was this?
This was just a display.
It had a Mork and Mindy doll, an E.T. lunchbox.
Everything is meticulously documented with the date and everything.
And Mork and Mindy probably means nothing to Ryan over here, but that was our show as a kid.
That was Robin Williams from Outer Space staying with, I think, Mr. Cotter's wife.
Oh, and then they're not going to lie to you and say video games are irrelevant and we don't like them.
My museum of play would have no video games because I'm a bitter jerk.
They have an entire floor and a floor, you saw the size of the museum.
A floor is like a New York City block of just video games from like the Ball Peen Alley ones with copper and tin where you pull a spring and a ball bearing falls into a thing to this era, my era, what's that?
Robotron, oh my god.
Berserk.
Berserk.
Berserk was Berserk.
It was aptly named.
Defender, Gallagher, Space Invaders, all those.
And then they show you CGI and Call of Duty and Fortnite and all the modern stuff too.
And you play them.
They're too cheap, too.
I put in 10 bucks of tokens because that's usually how much you need in New York.
And I went home with like two handfuls.
My kids, we would still be playing there if I'd used all 10 bucks.
Go to another one.
What do we got there?
Oh, that's, you see that doll?
That's Archie Bunker's grandson.
Archie Bunker exploded so much, they could not merch him out enough.
So it got to the point where little girls were buying Archie Bunker's grandson as a dolly.
I think he pooped and peed too, or he drank milk or something.
Maybe his eyes closed.
He did stuff.
I remember when that came out.
Then we got Star Wars stuff in there, Ken and Barbie.
Keep going.
Oh, this is interesting.
You may want to zoom in on this.
So this is this big chart, this dome, this big cylinder thing.
It documents when these things were considered toys.
I found this really interesting.
Star Wars action figures were only considered toys by this group in 2011.
What took them so long?
It's from 77 and they choose, they induct them in 2011.
Were they considered like an action figure or something like semantical like that?
No, because it says action figures.
I don't know what they're doing.
What could they possibly be?
You're telling me you weren't playing?
You were not playing with those.
You were reenacting film scenes.
I don't understand it.
But go below that, in the same picture, they tell you when they decided the stick was a toy.
Because 2008.
Maybe this whole thing started.
No, even if it started in 07, they should still have put Star Wars toys at the top of the list.
Maybe they had a lot of catching up to do.
But sticks, blankets, and cardboard boxes took a while to get in there.
Like stairs.
Are stairs a toy?
Super soaker, 2015.
All right, so that's fun and interesting.
And the kids are having a great time running around playing video games, looking at this stuff.
And then as a dad, you're also sort of stroking your beard going, oh, a stick, huh?
Yes, I guess it is a toy in a sense.
Yes.
Something doesn't have to be manufactured to become a toy.
A toy can be made by nature, made by God, really?
I mean, they are made by God.
This is the window looking out.
I don't know.
It's based on Rubik's Cubes and stuff.
But that thing is like 100 feet high.
Keep going.
That's a male model making his legs look funny.
What else do we got?
We're never going to beat Marcus's ceiling with those lights.
That's just a wood guy.
They have entire sections.
There was sort of like a magical elf fairy entire section.
It's as big as like four bedrooms with little slides and stuff.
And then you leave that and it's Lego.
And then you leave that and it's all ice yeti and snowman stuff.
And then there's superhero things.
Keep going.
Then there's Sesame Street, the front porch where you can sit there.
A total, perfect recreation of Sesame Street.
Keep going.
That's some weird fish.
What the hell?
It's a Trump fish.
He's got a Trump dew.
This is the greatest water.
Anybody?
It's going to be very wet.
It's going to be very submerged.
He's leading all the other fish.
For too long, we've been swimming in infested waters.
Truly.
Infested.
Disgusting waters.
Disgusting.
It's a tragedy.
No, what does it say?
Catastrophe?
I don't know.
That's the last one of this.
I want to keep the momentum going.
All right, so now we're off to Niagara Falls.
By the way, I've said this on other shows: really uneventful shirts in Niagara Falls.
Just Maple Leaf and Canada.
I've said this a million times.
I haven't made it yet.
Maybe you at home could help me make this in Photoshop.
It has the falls.
It says Niagara.
Hanging from, say, the middle of the word Niagara are a pair of cartoon testicles, right?
And they're in front of the falls.
A few sporadic hairs.
They should be Caucasian.
No offense, black people, but it becomes a whole other topic, unless we're in Africa, when you have black balls, right?
Too much context.
It's confusing.
So normal Caucasian balls, sporadic hairs, and then balls.
Niagara balls with testicles in the falls.
Now, there's a lot of jocks there partying and bachelor party guys, so that shirt would sell.
But I don't need a maple leaf with the word Canada.
What?
Could you be less fun, Canada?
So we stayed at Niagara Falls.
We stayed at a kind of a gross place called the Americana or something.
And that was a water park in a hotel.
It's kind of dirty and grimy.
And they kept, you know what their theme was at the Americana?
Boston pizza!
You know, the best pizza in America?
The place everyone goes to for their pizza?
Good old Boston pizza.
Boston deep dish.
What?
Maybe you have an argument for Chicago after New York, but Boston?
Boston is only good for violence.
So pull up all the Niagara Falls ones.
I don't know why you're tooling around using other stuff.
Now this is, this is interesting.
This is a revolving restaurant.
And it's pretty expensive to go to the top.
And what happens is you sit down and your table, just like they had at the World Trade Center too, your table is moving slowly like this.
So the scenery changes.
And you know what my wife does, being a fun lass?
She writes on a piece of paper that she brought in packed, hi, we're from New York City.
Where are you guys from?
And then she puts it down and then it leaves you, right?
Because your table's moving.
And then when you come around, it takes about an hour.
There's all this, oh, we are from France.
We love blah, blah, blah.
Bonjour, bonjour.
Hey, we are from the Congo.
We're happy children are not raping their mothers here.
And then you have the little fun little souvenir.
I don't think we saved it, but it was just a cute little thing to see where everyone's from.
Okay, so go back to that video.
Because as the elevator goes in there, it looks exactly like a suppository going into an anus.
There we go.
Oh, there we go.
It looks pretty gross too when you come out.
And then it's just diarrhea falling.
And look how dirty that is.
This is what I meant by post-apocalyptic.
It looks like something...
Chappy.
Chappie.
Everything looks like Chappie in Niagara Falls.
It looks like a post-apocalyptic South Africa.
Like that building sucks.
It's a beautiful restaurant inside.
It's the way that the concrete is absorbing, like it's mildewy.
Yeah.
It's like mildewy.
And surely you knew that when you built it.
I mean, you got to maintain these things, guys.
That needs a paint job.
Anyway, keep going.
That's a good one.
Okay, so here we are in the restaurant by Niagara Falls, which you can see from the restaurant, which is beautiful.
What a stunning thing.
You know, they sent the French settlers there and they go, we're looking for a passageway for these two lakes.
And we understand there's this area called Niagara something, then Indians call it.
And we want to find a way to get a boat through it.
And then we could have major trade going up on those two lakes.
And the French must have seen that waterfall and went, not happening, guys.
Sorry.
We were there, checked it out.
There is no way in Hades we are going to build a lock or a canal or any kind of portage for this section.
They might as well be separated by a mountain.
So no, we're not.
I don't know how they would ever.
There's my little boy.
You know what happened here?
This is, excuse me, going to Niagara Falls.
And there's a lot of rip-offs there, but you want to go to the one where you can see under the falls.
And even there, there's three different rooms, but this is the one you want to go to.
But some guy in the lineup recognized me, who worked there, and he moved me to the front of the line.
And then this woman who had a baby on her chest, she looked like a Guatemalan grandmother.
She had a Spanish accent, was screaming at him, no, no, no, no, we have been here.
This is not the way you behave.
This is not the way you do things.
Mad that my family got to move ahead.
And so they start freaking out.
And instead of making up a lie, like, we paid for the VIP or something, they go, get in the elevator, get in the elevator.
And then they stand in front of it and close it behind us like we were the Rolling Stones.
It was bizarre.
And another weird part is, lady, why are you picking fights and screaming and yelling when you have a baby on the front of you?
It doesn't seem to be very smart.
I would be a little more, I don't know, wary.
Anyway, that's the falls where the French must have went, nope, we have to go back.
That's some family in a UFO-shaped diner where 100% of them were on their phones, 100% of the breakfast.
What is happening with these phones?
Do you have a rule?
Do you have a rule, like a no-phones rule?
Yeah.
Yeah, true.
Have you ever listened to my show?
I had to abide by it when I visited my dad, too.
It's healthy.
It's good.
Yeah.
And this makes, I'm looking at this like they're Asian.
It doesn't make sense to me.
You guys should be scolding them.
I thought it was a universal rule.
My daddy's got his phone.
What is there, like 10 of them there?
There's also at the next table, there was, this is why Niagara Falls is trashy.
There was this kid just crying the whole time, doing a really annoying cry, like, really insincere kind of a cry.
And I'm looking at him and I'm thinking, you need to be scolded here.
You're not in pain.
You're just whining.
And his mom had a shirt, single mom, fat, and it said, super mom.
No.
With the power to ignore.
That's my boy.
Did a cool drawing at the table.
See, this is where I worry that I might be boring you.
This used to be a big thing in the 50s.
You'd have your slides from your trip, and you come back, jagoom, jagoom, jagoom, jagoom, and you'd do a slideshow for the neighbors and show them your trip.
And the motive here, too, is obviously not showing off that we went to a UFO-shaped diner, but to suggest that you guys might want to try this.
Maybe not Niagara Falls.
That's an acquired taste.
But you know, you map out some spots four hours apart, and the Northeast is very good at densely packing a lot of different locations.
Maybe you'll like it.
All right, so this was the Niagara Falls Guinness Book of World Records Museum, which I would highly not recommend.
It costs a fortune and it sucks.
Here is a guy who did a wheelie for 3,000 miles.
So he went from, I think, LA to Orlando.
And doing a wheelie for 3,000 miles, I mean, what that means is you just did wheelies for probably like five hours a day and then stayed at the local motel and then got up the next day and did it again.
So over the course of several months, you did a lot of wheelieing.
Okay, thanks, I guess.
My son, my youngest five-year-old, he brought up a good point.
He said, Dad, what if someone was doing a wheelie for 100 years?
And when they were a baby, they had to, you know, be held onto the bike and there was all kinds of machines.
But then as they got older, maybe like seven or eight years old, they'd get good enough at it and they could do real wheelies.
And then they live to say 100 and they will have been doing a wheelie for 100 years.
I said, good point, five-year-old.
Look at this.
This is all just, I think I had to spend something like 20 bucks per family member.
So $100 I had to spend to go in here and look at a picture on a wall that has a few LED lights on it.
And it's about some cop who got struck by lightning about nine times.
Is that what it says there?
Can you read that?
Yes, it says, Gene Hackman holding this hat was struck by lightning seven times between 1942 and 1977 and survived.
In 1983, he took his own life, reportedly rejected in love.
Okay, can I just give you a comedy tip?
Yep.
You started out pretending that guy was Gene Hackman.
Yep.
And then you started reading what it really says.
Yes.
But you lost confidence after Gene Hackman in the middle.
Absolutely.
Gene Hackman holding this hat.
And then you didn't hear a laugh and you went, I wonder if that bombed.
You have to commit to the bit.
So you say, here we have Gene Hackman, famous Hollywood actor.
He's holding a hat and he was also a sheriff who was struck nine times by lightning and later killed himself because he was dumb.
So I was convinced that was Gene Hackman the entire time.
You don't have to go and make a half joke.
No, you don't say, I'm going to go.
It's like sex.
You don't grab a woman and go, oh yeah, you like that?
Actually, do you like that?
Because I'll stop if you don't.
I didn't even do that.
I just stopped.
I didn't even ask her.
I just said that.
That's like grabbing a woman, pulling her close to you in a thunderstorm, and then going to kiss her and going, do you mind if I do want to?
I feel like there was a moment there, and maybe if we could smooch.
I think, I mean, I'm thundering out.
It's kind of romantic.
That was pretty cool.
I'm going to kiss you.
I'm just going to kiss you.
And then you say, means no.
And then no sounds means yes, okay?
Oh, actually, I know what?
I'll start kissing you, right?
And I'm going to grab your ass and be really aggressive.
If you don't like it, make animal sounds.
But if you do like it, sing a song.
So he grabs her ass really hard and he's hurting her and he's pulling her hair back and she goes, ah, moo, moo.
And then he keeps going and she goes, moon river, all penned on an empty stream.
She starts singing.
She does.
Moon river.
The moo's change.
Did you know that was going to happen?
Because I'm just to break it down.
Wow, you really.
Now you're ruining my joke by analyzing it.
But I'm impressed.
All right, next.
Next picture in a museum.
Hey, you got 20 bucks?
You want to look at pictures?
No, this was outside.
So this fooled me.
This was a giant fat.
It's funny too, because back when the Guinness was big, the fattest guy in the world was 1,500 pounds.
It was Walter Hudson.
And I remember as a kid, we were all obsessed with him as teenagers.
Walter Hudson, because he thought he was Indian and he had braids and stuff.
And they had to bury him in a piano box or something.
Now you look at these Guinness Book of World record breakers and you're like, meh, you look like you're at Walmart.
I mean, 600 pounds is not unusual now.
So 1,500 pounds, 1,400 pounds, you're just a very fat 600-pound person.
This picture means nothing.
I just thought it was really cool.
Like, wouldn't you want an oil painting of that?
I like the spatial.
I like the dimensions of it, like the architecture.
Everything looks like chunky and bold.
Yeah, I like the composition of this picture.
It's basically the composition.
It would be way cool.
Maybe if there was something going on in the background behind him, like a sunset or a storm or something, it'd be kind of cool.
Yeah, that sky is interchangeable, but it can't do too much to take away from everything else going on.
Yeah, yeah.
Even the placement of the people is pretty nice.
Honestly.
Frankenstein isn't green, is he?
Yeah.
Green or gray.
I thought he's gray.
Anyway, this is a new faction of Sikhs.
Sikhs are huge in Niagara Falls.
I think because there's a massive industry of senior care, because it's cheap there.
So seniors go there.
Seniors need their butt wiped.
And for some reason, Sikhs, they're very noble people who are into justice and stuff and character and honor.
So I guess they feel bad when old people look like they're losers.
So they're helping all these old people.
But there's these guys named Ili Janta.
Oh, no, sorry.
There's Villi.
The V is Veli.
Veli Janta.
And they are like, they're kind of like proud boys.
They're sort of working class dudes who grew up poor on farms and they stopped dressing like farmers.
And now they want a range rover and they want to pick up hot chicks.
So now they're about fast cars and hot chicks.
Look up, see if you have time to find Vallejanta.
Their music, their rock and roll.
They are bad boys.
And it's funny because I said to one guy, what's Vilijanta?
And he goes, oh, those are bad men.
Those are stupid boys.
And then I asked this other guy who had that Velijanta thing.
And I go, what's Valijanta?
And he goes, it means good guy.
It means tough guy, cool guy.
And you realize you can say the same thing about proud boys.
This is they're proud of your boy?
Yeah.
Turn it up, dude.
There he's like, come where?
What am I doing in the farm?
I'm selling the farm.
I want to be dope.
And now I'm a bad boy.
I'm not on the farm no more.
Turn it up.
Turn it up.
It's a good man.
I don't know where they get the money from angels, I guess they sold the phone.
We should have made this the song at the beginning.
Yeah, this is pretty good.
They don't have the same kind of sexual harassment taboos that we have, eh?
Hey, check it out, dude.
I grabbed her butt.
Did he grab her?
I think so.
He stalks her too later in the deranged robot.
Whoa.
By the way, you sold the farm for a Range Rover?
What's your long-term plan?
Teach a man to fish.
I will trade it in and buy a farm later.
Go down the value, junky monkey.
I'll trade my hat for some gas.
Crap.
Shades for a brake replacement, I repeat.
A pair of shades for a brake replacement.
A pair of Prada sunglasses for new rack and pinion steering please.
I need a new transmission.
Look at her.
We're chasing her in her scooter.
You know I can easily tumble you over.
Just one swipe at your rear tire.
I'll beat you if you have not date me.
All right, let's keep going.
Oh, keep moving over the video?
No, no.
Oh, okay.
We should get out of Niagara Falls some minutes.
I could watch that three times in a row.
Yeah, I might.
Let's become Valijantas.
It's just some guys that were hanging out million-dollar bills to encourage Catholicism, I believe.
They were Christians.
And they said, we've been following you.
And you're close.
You just need another push to, I don't know what.
That's just me.
So the last night we stayed at a really fancy hotel where we could look right down on the falls, the Marriott or whatever.
And, you know, as I was sitting there looking at the contours of Niagara Falls and the beauty of it and the majestic bliss that God gave that land, I thought, I should give you guys the gift of doing that to my body, where you can see the contours of my buttocks and my thighs.
My thighs are just incredible.
Funny thing about that is this site right here causes more people to jump into a barrel and commit suicide.
Why do you guys wear your underwear so low?
It should go halfway up your back.
You want it to hug.
There's no way women can see all the contours if your undies are not taut.
You got to Instagram that, dude.
I can't remember if I did or not.
All right, keep going.
That's just the actual...
They're almost like testicles.
Keep going.
Okay.
This was on the TV at the Marriott, and it's one of the craziest things I've ever seen.
Zoom in on that guy on the right.
His shirt says diversity is a strength.
And the CFL, the Canadian Football League, had this big push at that time in the summer to promote diversity.
Diversity is a strength.
That's that guy on the right.
Now, I don't quite get the story, but it has something to do with the CFL not being recognized by the NFL or not getting to play enough American games or something like that, or the Toronto Argonauts not being in the American League.
So they're saying you should have a more diverse group of teams.
Like, say, some Canadian teams could play you once in a while, like the Toronto Blue Jays can play the Mets.
And so we need diversity.
Now, if there's one place where they have no intention of fostering racial diversity, it's football or all professional sports.
They don't care what race you are.
They go, if you're good, get in here.
You think they're going to be pushing for more Chinese people in the NFL anytime soon?
Nope.
Can you run this fast?
Can you take this many hits?
Can you throw the ball this accurately?
Diversity is the last thing.
It's 100% meritocracy in professional sports.
So to see them wearing diversity is a strength, which essentially means meritocracy is second, it's just so unself-aware.
Guys, clue in.
All right, next.
Oh, we went to a cool Canadian-themed dinner theater.
And you'll notice, by the way, they're pushing these jackets.
They're trying to duplicate the original Canadian hoser jacket, which I talked about on the other show.
Champion, made in China.
They were big in the 80s.
This is the only one that is acceptable.
It's got a certain type of fleece feel to it.
This is the authentic one.
Nothing comes close.
And I'm seeing a lot of these sort of cheap immigrant tourist shops basically try to sell Ryan's shirt.
Ryan, show your shirt.
No, no, that one you have on.
These are very different.
Totally different.
Totally different.
I see visually why it is different too.
It's actually inverted.
The smaller parts of the city.
Yeah, yeah, shut up.
We got it.
It's easy to make.
You could recreate this easily.
That was a thing.
But one thing that bothered me, just show more picture of the dinner theater.
One thing that kind of bothered me about the dinner theater, it was very well done.
But a lot of it was Americana.
And this is a problem with Canadians.
They always, they judge themselves based on America.
So they go, you know that song, whatever it was, like, Don't Stop Believing By Journey?
That was co-written by a man from Winnipeg.
Oh, so that's Canadian.
Like, and they take all this cool American stuff and go, that guy's mom was Canadian, or that guy was born in Edmonton.
And they keep pushing that.
And I go, no, no, we have enough cool stuff in America.
I mean, sorry, in Canada.
We have Plume Le Traverse and his song, Bobby Pin, El Dan Sracrome Folpin, Comun Vré Super Bobin.
Kisa Bobbi Pin.
Na na na na na na na.
And we got Stomp and Tom Connors and Big Joe Mufferaw all the way from Ottawa.
The old folks say, hey, hey.
What does he talk about?
He says, they're talking about the Rideau River, how it was formed.
And he was a guy up in Old St. Luke.
And he went so many times to see that gal.
The path he wore became the Rideau Canal.
Hey, hi, hey, hi, ho.
The best man in Ottawa was Muffara Joe.
Muffarajo.
That's our Paul Bunyan, which I guess is, again, Canadians copying American culture.
But otherwise, it was a really cool dinner theater.
Really appreciate those kids busting their ass.
Hope they don't see this and think I'm hurting their feelings.
What else do we got?
All right.
So there's Niagara Falls at night.
Oh, this was a wee town outside of Niagara Falls.
And it was unbelievable.
It's called Niagara on the Hudson or something.
No, not Niagara Falls.
forget the name of this town.
But, um, they had this Scottish store in it that had all the Scottish stuff.
Iron Brew, which is, it's a magical thing that the, Do you have a shirt on underneath?
It's an undershirt.
It's an homage to Riff Raff.
It's just a...
Okay.
Well, the studio gets hot when we have long apps.
And I got him a little Scotland jersey.
It's fun dressing up five-year-olds in cute shirts.
This is Poutin, of course.
We've now left Niagara Falls.
We're headed to my friend's farm.
And Poutin dominates all of Ontario and Quebec.
And Poutin was invented by a man in Quebec at a diner, and there was a trucker there.
And he said, I've got, I'm on the road, I'm driving a truck, but I want cheese curds, and I want fries and gravy, but I don't want both.
Can you put them, and he goes, I'll put them all together.
How about this?
We'll go fries, then we'll put a layer of cheese curds on, then we'll pour gravy, and gravy will melt the cheese curds into the fries, and then we'll do another layer of fries, cheese curds, and gravy.
Okay.
Did it all up?
Truckers driving, eating away.
Invents the greatest dish of all time, and it is called Putin.
And you need to use hand-cut fries that have been blanched and soaked overnight.
You need to use actual cheese curds, not disco fries, any of that crap.
The gravy isn't that important.
That looks pretty authentic.
I'm a little worried about the fries.
But yeah, that looks pretty good.
I don't know why it's in a big pan like that.
Keep going.
Oh, I also got that at the Scottish place.
Heinz Salad Krem.
See, they go this in England in all of Great Britain.
Has you ever had that salad with salad cream?
Nine.
It's bloody delicious.
Nine was my way of speaking Scottish.
Russian?
It's German.
Oh, okay.
By the way, I like that I can see your bacon now when I look over at you.
Yeah.
That's endearing.
You gotta sun burn those off.
Is that how that works?
Yeah.
You dry them off with anything.
You can put it like a claw reed, like in the pool or the ocean, plains up your back.
That's not a bad Irish, yeah.
All right, keep going.
Scottish is real tough.
This is more crap I bought.
Oh, I got these Walter's chips.
I've been waiting to break these out.
Ooh.
Nation's favorite.
This is Marmite.
So they go Australian spread, Marmite, and a chip.
They got hedgehog crisps in Britain.
They're really good at their potato chips.
Now, if there's one thing that people at home love listening to, it's people with a microphone one inch from their face eating chips.
Do you agree?
Agreed.
Ooh, that is rough.
You want any of these?
I would love one because I keep looking at those.
I know.
We've been waiting to do this show for a while now.
I've been so hungry sometimes where I'm like, that should be an option, but it's not.
We got to step up our chip game.
I'll crunch one too.
Even those fancy ones like Cape Cod and stuff.
Oh my gosh, those are great.
These are like a roast beef dinner.
Why are you watching chips?
It's our chip-eating theme song.
California Highway Patrol.
Oh, my God.
Pretty good, huh?
And this is great at a pub.
They'll have these boxes with the hole dug out that sort of pops out in the middle.
And you're like, I'll have a pint of Guinness.
They always have Maker's Mark in Britain these days.
Glasgow, London.
Everyone, I find it more prevalent there than in America.
Plenty of my local pubs in the suburbs don't have Makersmark, but you go to everyone in London, and it's cheaper than it is here.
And I'll just go, Maker's Mark, Pinta Gunnis, and a Pocket of Cruspes, please.
Those only exist in Canada.
That's only a Canadian thing?
What?
That flavor is only in Canada?
No, this is at the British store that had all British stuff.
Oh, they should have that state side.
Those are great.
Thank you.
snacks.
Oh, look at this.
Got the history of the McInnis name?
I know it's spelled differently, but no one could spell back there.
And only in Scotland would you have this.
It's a keychain that's a flask.
So you carry your keys around and you just go one wee sep.
One wee ba nepe sweeti.
Which is sitting in your pocket, by the way.
So it's hot.
You want some hot whiskey?
How about in July on a hot day you reach into your denim shorts and pull out some flaming hot whiskey to just burn your throat?
No thanks.
So now we're done with Niagara Falls.
Now it's off to the farm.
Now, I was a tree planter in the early 90s, and my boss was named Mark.
And he ran a joint up there in Northern Ontario.
And we became very close friends.
This would be 1991, probably.
And I was 21.
And then I became a foreman and worked for my, I almost bought the company.
It was this close.
My dad and him had a falling out.
My dad was going to help me out alone.
But we stayed close.
And the funny thing is, both of us said we're never having kids because we were big environmentalist dudes.
The world's overpopulated, man.
There are way too many kids in the world, so we're not having any.
And we had our kids really late, and we both just look at each other and go, What the hell were we waiting for?
What took us so long?
All right, let's check out some Perth.
See, we got Ottawa and Montreal left, then we'll be done.
So that's his family, very Nordic-looking.
Of course, I have to hide mine.
Big delicious meals.
We're away out on the farm.
Farm living, man.
I mean, you're in the city, you're struggling, there's conflict all the time, and you hang out with somebody who lives in the middle of nowhere, and you just think, you guys really have indulged in serenity for a long time.
Like, there's just no conflict there.
And there's a turtle.
He's got a swimming pond.
You jump in there and catch a turtle.
They're weird to catch.
This isn't a snapping turtle or anything dangerous, but they're really scraping you with their little legs.
So it's freaky to hold them because you think, are you going to scratch me with those things?
You scratchy little turtle.
Keep going.
There's my daughter.
She has to hide her face, of course, because you sickos will try to kill her.
But she went and he's a beekeeper.
And that's like some worker bee that never stings.
I forget the exact thing there.
He's got a queen in every hive.
It's very complicated, and it's a real science to it.
Whereas you get better and better at it in deciding where the queen can go.
And there's sort of steel barriers where you make sure the queen can't go because she's bigger than the other bees.
So there's a grate that she can't get through.
And you decide, I'm going to let her go maybe two more levels here.
This one's getting full.
It's getting towards the end of the season.
Can't see her that well because I had some teachers install lights in my workshop.
He just paints those for fun.
Just purely aesthetic.
Probably helps him identify which one is which too, just out of memory, but the kids paint those.
Isn't that, I mean, that's just his workshop with his little things that he puts in between the doohickeys that collect the honey.
But don't you just look at that and it just seems like a simpler world?
A better world?
A cleaner world?
And he built that shed, of course, himself.
He's a great carpenter with cedar and everything.
Everything seems better in the country.
Especially when you're classy about it.
Now, bees, of course, communicate a little too much.
And if you hurt one of them, you're dead.
But the beauty of this smoke machine, you just put any little twigs and branches in there, pine needles, light it up and go, smoke them out.
They can't talk to each other anymore.
You're good.
This little Johnny in his 22.
We were shooting beer cans with it.
And he got real mad.
No, he's not shooting the kids.
Those two pictures are not related.
Trampolines, everyone has a trampoline now that has kids.
And they just, they're so hyper.
And you can't be running around with them all the time.
And you have to send them to a tiring machine called a trampoline just to get their energy level down so they'll go to bed at night.
Yeah.
You're fight gravity for a little bit.
Yeah.
You'll lose.
Go to war with gravity.
See how well you do.
You know, I don't think those dividers, that net is any safer.
Oh, you're dumb.
Changed my mind.
Okay.
We have a trampoline exactly like that.
Go on it and try to fall to the side.
Try to fall off it.
Fair enough.
Jeez.
I'm going to change your nickname to Terrible Theories Ryan Rivera.
Ryan Terrible Theories Rivera.
Ryan Terrible Theories Rivera.
Don't you think the trampoline manufacturers would be petrified of litigation?
Litigation.
Thank you.
That was my only contribute.
Contribute.
There he is.
Mark Saunders.
Keep going.
There we are by the van.
That's just awesome, honey.
Now we're up to Ottawa to meet the folks.
It's funny how Antifa will threaten entire families now and try to terrorize moms and dads.
If you tried to attack my parents in their home or anywhere, I would love to see that.
If you harassed my mother at the grocery store, you would die.
This was particularly painful.
I went through my dad's wallet and noticed he had a picture of my brother when my brother was a baby.
No pictures of me.
So that hurt.
What else you got?
Oh, look at this.
It's a raccoon feeder.
Ottawa is obsessed with recycling.
There's like 50 different bins for every different thing.
And the Ontarians are happy to do it because they're so brainwashed.
And so they have this bucket that's for compost.
So you put in fruit, meat, all your, you know, what's it called?
Decomposable perishables.
And so the raccoons just break a hole in the bottom and they have their own fridge now.
So they just tear that a new ass every day.
And now we're still, my parents will be fined if they stop using that and they have to fill it with food for raccoons.
So it's just a raccoon feeder.
Great plan, guys.
All right, so then off from Ottawa to Montreal at our last stop on the tour.
And by the way, the kids are never bored on this trip because everywhere they go is a totally different thing.
This is crazy.
So we arrive in Montreal and this is the Quebec Separatist Party who claim they will not separate.
They say if Quebec does want to separate, we're there for you, but we're not going to push it.
But you're the Quebec Separatist Party.
Yeah, but not really.
Okay.
And that is that guy on the left is Manon Masset.
He is a male and female.
I don't know what gender he is.
He's a lesbian with a giant mustache who I think was a dude and has enormous tits.
I highly recommend you.
I think it's a dude who had estrogen, took estrogen, retained his mustache, grew some tits, had some tits made or something, has a girlfriend, but a penis also.
So guys, if you can't get laid, just say you're a lesbian and now you're this wonderful woman with a built-in strap on.
Perfect scenario.
This is, and no one cares in Montreal too.
They're all like, oh, she's great.
He's great.
Whatever you want.
They're very open sexually, which is why there's erotica stores on every street corner selling you sex toys and lingerie and high-heel shoes and sigh-high boots and whatever you want.
I kind of appreciate that in retrospect.
There's more people trying to rip off the perfect lumberjack jacket.
Sorry, guys.
You can't buy that.
You can't remake it.
Keep going.
There's my kids at this awesome.
This was a Pixar exhibit at the museum at the Old Port.
It is so kid-friendly in Montreal.
It's one of the most kid-friendly cities I've been to in a long time.
And this was a massive Pixar exhibition that showed you how they made each character.
And you could try to make characters yourself.
You could use the equipment.
You could make cartoons.
Really cool.
There they're dressing up as trolls.
It was exquisite.
And this was a cool, this is a science museum upstairs where you go in and there's workshops.
So they give you a challenge.
Like this was make a car that will be powered by wind.
And then they give you a million tools.
So here's a bunch of sticks that could be the main shaft.
Here's a bunch of wheels.
Here's a bunch of cardboard and fabric you could use as sails.
Here's some staples, some nails, some screws, some pipe cleaners, all this stuff.
So everyone is making these little things that they then disassemble and put all the pieces back.
And it just looks, it was so inspiring to be around all these people making stuff.
You know, they're not there to demand that you make them stuff.
So those are my boys.
After they made their things, they go on that track and that has a, you push a button and there's like a wind tunnel.
And then the wind picks up these sails and moves them down the lane.
This is bizarre.
This is a porn theater.
I used to live right next to this place, cinéma la mour.
Love cinema.
And I went, I've got a pretty strong stomach.
I'm willing to mop up this place and all the disgusting fluids that appear on the floor because I assume it's $200 an hour.
So I'll work there like two hours a week and I'll make 400 bucks and then I can just get drunk with my friends.
So I go in there and I'm like, I'll buy a gas mask from an Army surplus shop and a hazmat suit and I'll clean this place.
I'm a punk.
I can handle gross.
And then what is it?
Is it $200 an hour or $250?
And they go, no, it's minimum wage, $5.
Pardon émoi?
You pay people minimum wage to clean this place?
Are you out of your mind?
But they had takers.
Okay.
And it's still there.
That was there when I moved in Montreal.
I moved to Montreal in 1988.
And I've seen so many places come and go.
But Cinéma La Mour, they must have a prostitution ring or something going on in there.
There are places.
There's a place there called Grand Prix.
And it's apparently owned by people who have ties to the police force.
And it's just a strip club where you go into these booths and you have sex with the strippers.
It's a brothel and they never get busted.
Next, Bar Biftech.
We used to go there all the time.
I don't know why I'm showing you that.
That's my old local bar.
Lots of anti-fascist propaganda around there.
I actually ended up wearing a disguise because I realized I'm going to get attacked.
I'm in Antifa Central here.
Keep going.
There's more Manon Massey.
What a absolute freak.
Keep going.
That's my old buddy Eric I grew up with.
I noticed Canadians, they come to meet you for dinner and stuff, and they bring a bunch of presents.
So that was an embroidered thing he gave my wife for her jean jacket she could have stitched on.
It says party time, and it's a bunch of beads.
Every time you meet up with your friends that are Canadian, it's like a Nardwar interview.
Yeah, yeah.
And then you do this.
This is, remember this?
Oh, yeah, that's from my first thing.
Yeah, maybe that's Nardwar Embracing Canadian culture.
Keep going.
I just thought this is, I could show you a Canadian Maker's Mark bottle.
It's got, I still don't understand whiskey and bourbon.
Bourbon's a type of whiskey.
Is that the deal?
And look, it's got to say all this stuff.
Kentucky Straight Bourbon.
Scotch and bourbon.
That was like 30 bucks U.S. Cost me 45 bucks U.S. for that in New York.
Keep going.
Café Cleopat.
That's a strip club for people who are not accepted at normal strip clubs.
So you'll have overweight women there, women with missing a limb.
You'll have men there, drag queens.
There's a whole drag queen.
There's several floors.
There's like four floors.
And it is the outcasts.
And it's very affordable.
And this was my spot.
I am a Cleopat, I'm a cafe Cliopat kind of guy.
I like going there.
I bring New Yorkers there whenever we visit.
And they all go, what are we doing here?
This is disgusting.
That's a dude with tits.
And I go, yes.
Salurita, Sava.
Aye, Sava, Gabe.
I know them all.
It's an awesome place.
I brought my mother there once.
She got it.
And she was crying with laughter, like tears pouring down her face as these men in high heels are walking by and fat chicks and blind girls.
It's fun.
Oh, this is, you went to this park.
It's like six flags, La Rounde, it's called.
I guess the round.
But look at all these rules.
And one of them is no blasphemous language.
L'Angage blasphemas.
Blasphematique?
Is that what it said?
Blasphemois blas.
Now, in their defense, I have to explain that all their swear words are based on the church.
So kales is the chalice.
Esti is the host.
Tabarnak is the tabernacle.
So blasphemy and swearing is actually just the same.
The sugar, honey, iced tea word and the for unlawful carnal knowledge word, that mean nothing.
They say that you say that to a kid at a daycare.
You can say sh, but you don't say kales or est to a kid.
Or offensive banter or offensive behavior.
Sorry, they add, isn't that weird?
They have to add a little bit of English at the end of each one.
Quebec is weird.
We're running, this is way over here.
This is my old Rob, my old friend Robbie Dylan, ex-con, tough guy.
I just thought his shirt was funny.
So intense.
Like we're out with the kids having ice cream and Robbie shows up.
Hey, what's going on, guys?
Everyone in all the English, Italians, and Irish in Montreal, they speak like they're in goodfellas.
It could be from movies.
I have no idea why.
But what does his shirt say?
Live without fear or something?
Can you read that?
Be without fear.
In the face of your enemy, stand brave and upright, that the Lord may love thee.
Seek the truth always.
Oh, no, speak the truth always, even if it means your death.
Protect the helpless and do no wrong.
Jesus Christ.
At any time of day, in any circumstance.
Chill out, Rob.
Look at the stuff I got too.
I got, you know, this is another important tip.
When you go to these places, other cities and stuff, you go, I don't want that crap.
I don't need that crap.
Yes, in the context of Montreal, it just seems like useless crap.
But then when you come back to your city in New York and you have these shooters that say Tabarnac, like a license plate says Tabarnac, that's just another silly swear word.
It's actually kind of rude there.
Here, it's just exotic.
And look at this.
You don't want to buy a Poutin snow globe when you see it in Montreal.
But then you're back in New York and you've got this on your kitchen windowsill.
A Poutin snow globe.
I couldn't regret this less, although I didn't want it to buy it at the time.
My wife bought it, of course.
But this is what they mean.
Chu magané.
Chu is je sui su, I think.
means je sui.
So chu fang means je sui fame, like I'm finished.
Sol common but means I'm drunk as a boot.
Chu magane means I am hungover.
Je sui magana.
And then sal khaid.
Su kaid.
Khaid is stiff.
So stiff drink.
I'm a stiff drunk.
Now you have friends over and you're like, you want a sip?
And then they go, oh, what's this?
And then you, you know, it's a little conversation piece.
So I think when you go to touristy shops, be much more generous with your own money than you think you feel like.
Like I saw these socks that said Canada with pot leaves on them.
I thought, I don't really smoke pot.
I don't want this.
I'm so happy I have them here in New York now.
All right, we're running out of time.
Well, we ran out of time a long time ago, but I think the viewer is running out of patience.
We got anything else in the Montreal bin?
No, this wraps up our little road trip.
This wraps up our road trip.
So we did Montreal to New York.
That was a six-hour thing.
Got some movies on the screen.
The kids watched about three.
You know, you stop for lunch.
Six hours is pretty bad, but that's the worst that trip got.
And otherwise, I broke it down to four.
And I could have broken up the Montreal, New York thing.
Or another idea I had was, if we weren't sort of really ready to come home by Montreal, I could have left at 8, and that would have been 9.10.
The kids probably couldn't make it past 11 p.m.
Then they would have slept 11.12.1 and that only would have been essentially three hours for them because they'd be unconscious for three.
So I highly recommend road trips with the kids.
It's a great way to get to know them again.
It's a fun vacation because there's a lot of variety.
And you come back with what I hope you guys have thought were great stories.
Fun little bit of culture up in Canada.
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