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Sept. 17, 2018 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
39:48
Ep 184 | Mia Culpa | Get Off My Lawn
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From New York, it's Gabon McGee, my inquiry, in when I'm a bad, Iguanyama, Inguinamabada.
That is a wonderful song and a musical Lion King.
And it is about Africa.
Uhuru!
Africa is a wonderful place, very dynamic place.
It's got a rich history and incredible wealth, especially areas that the white man didn't ruin, like, for example, obviously Wakanda.
Wakanda is a place featured in comic books and was recently in a fictitious superhero movie called Black Panther.
I guess all superhero movies are fictitious.
So I want to talk about a video I saw recently where they featured all the facts in the history about Wakanda and what a great place it would be to visit were it to exist.
I also want to talk about this rumor going around that Trump has just inherited Obama's wealth.
Now, this is an economic discussion and I found economics so boring that when I took it in college, it was like being shot in the face with a heroin dart gun.
A tranquilizer dart.
I would just go, all right, let's get and just wake up when the class was over.
So we're going to plow through that really quick, and I promise to ring the alarm bells if Matt gets too boring.
I'll only let him show like three graphs and then we'll kill it.
Because this show's a fun show.
This is like entertainment tonight, but it's political.
Mia Culpa on the cover of the New York Post, uh-oh, Sun Yi Previn waited decades to fire back at mom.
She's not impressed with Mia Pharaoh and says she was a horrible mom.
I've heard this too.
I don't think Woody Allen was a pedophile.
I don't think he molested his daughters.
I think it's real gross that he ended up marrying his girlfriend's recently adopted kid.
I'm not a fan of that.
I think you deserve some pariah status for that.
But otherwise, like actual molestation, illegal stuff, no.
Anyway, gross.
Isn't Hollywood gross?
I like how the range of bad guys is, well, there's Woody Allen, who wasn't that bad, and then there's Harvey Weinstein, who was real bad.
Blech.
Meanwhile, their obsession is with us as the bad guys, calling us rapists and racists and ravists.
That's true.
You know, a lot of conservatives are being accused of hating raves for no good reason.
And that's a lie.
Pleur is a common motto amongst the right.
Peace, love, unity, and respect.
We often go to Burning Man.
I actually met Rush Limbaugh at Burning Man.
And the first thing he said to me, he said, God damn it, it's hot out here.
And I said, it's because you're obese, Rush.
I feel fine.
I was lying.
I was really hot, too.
And I do mean sexy.
I had on leather shorts with feathers on them and a giant Lion King head that I stole from the play and ski boots.
Platform ski boots made of leather.
All right.
We've got a lot to discuss.
I haven't seen you guys in a long time.
So we're going to talk about Wakanda.
We're going to talk about the economics, but we have to cover Kavanaugh, right?
Because there's something going on here that is quite kvetching.
And that is, that's not what the word kveching means.
That is, she's clearly full of crap, right?
She had, what, they horsed around in high school.
That's probably true.
His boner was too severe, and then he passed out.
Okay.
Wow, let's sue him.
And she just decided right now.
And coincidentally, she wore a brain-shaped pussy hat to an anti-Trump rally.
You got that?
Pull up that picture.
There we go.
She also signed an anti-Trump petition.
You better hope you don't have any creepy porn bookmarks on your computer there.
No, no, these are pornless bookmarks.
No winks.
Because the cops just got caught, by the way, publishing a screenshot of a weather map, dangerous weather areas.
And there was all these anti-cop groups as their bookmarks.
Which, what's the matter with that?
These guys want to kill cops.
I wouldn't mind keeping an eye on them.
Anyway, so I don't think that this is true, but that's just me, and I'm just thinking.
I obviously don't have the facts, but I'll tell you what's really going on here.
The left is waiting for us to say stuff like I just said.
Now, I'm just a random dude, so I can say it, but they're waiting for someone of consequence like Kellyanne Conway.
That would be great.
Eric Trump, Donald Trump Jr., if they dismiss this, then they can say Trump is appointing a Supreme Court judge who trivializes rape and thinks rape ain't no thang.
That's really bad news.
And we're not falling for that.
I've noticed that Kellyanne Conway and everyone around Trump is being very careful and saying, let's give her to trial.
This is very serious.
She deserves to be listened to.
They're not taking the bait.
You suck at this, lefties.
Do you have that Twitter moment?
That woman looks like she's on Adderall.
The victim's lawyer?
I don't think you should do Adderall if you're my age.
To testify under oath in front of the full Senate Judiciary Committee.
My client will do whatever is necessary to make sure that the Senate Judiciary Committee has the full story and the full lady, you're going to be awake for three days.
You're supposed to just chew a piece of a pill.
A fully informed decision.
You don't take the whole 80 milligrams.
I'm going to public under oath in front of the Senate.
Jonathan Winter's dosage.
See you in three weeks when you finally catch a nap.
So yeah, and this is a relevant story because, a relevant, not irrelevant, because it shows you That they're playing games.
This obviously isn't about protecting a woman from rape in your time machine.
This is about catching us off base and lying.
And you know what we should do in return?
Lie.
We should cheat and steal.
We should play dirty pool.
I hate the high road.
Ew, the high road.
Oh, I don't never, I don't swear.
Oh, you can't stoop to their level.
You're right.
We can't stoop to their level.
It's too high.
I want to go in the gutters, in the sewer.
I want to be staring up and going, oh, there's Michelangelo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
He's about 10 stories higher than me.
I'm down there with Bebop and Rocksteady in the trenches.
I ruined that analogy because trenches are way higher than sewers.
All right.
So I bring this up because there's those weather hoaxes.
You've seen this one a million times, right?
guy fighting the weather and then two people walk by in the background.
Fans, this is about as nasty as it's been.
We had some fans like this last night.
You know what they don't mention?
Maybe metalheads have stronger legs from playing air guitar and headbanging.
So what normally would make most of us with our little skinny pencil legs fly, metalheads just go boom, boom, boom, boom.
Yeah, isn't that just, that's ableist.
Yeah.
They were just making fun of a guy who wasn't as strong.
Yeah, that's really mean.
Okay, speaking of ableist, I don't know, have you ever seen me with my tiny legs?
Pull up a picture of me.
That's me with Lisa de Pasquale.
My legs are only 16 inches tall.
I also have a picture of me with the old manager of the Mets.
What's his name again?
The old professor?
Jerry Buckhammer?
Casey Stengel?
Oh.
So Anderson Cooper also has this affliction, and he was recently photographed in a pile of water with his little stubby legs.
Poor guy.
Here's the truth with this photograph that's been going around.
It's not really an example of fake news, but it is an example of fakish news 10 years ago.
This is a totally different hurricane.
I think that's Katrina or something.
It's not related to this.
This is an ancient photo.
But I don't want to point that out.
I guess I just did on my show.
But what I'm trying to say is perpetuate this rumor.
They play dirty pool all the time with their fake news.
We're doing fake news on their fake news.
So don't let people know that that's an old photograph.
Continue to humiliate the left the way they cheat and try to humiliate us.
We're not playing the game.
That's why I showed that because it links to Kavanaugh.
All right, how are we doing for time now?
I think we should start.
We're almost in the 10-minute zone.
Okay, let's look at this.
Obama did a big speech recently where he claims that Trump isn't so great.
I love the way Obama works too.
If the economy was bombing now, then he'd say, well, I told you Trump's a terrible president.
If it's doing well, which it is, well, I told you I can set a guy up.
It's a win-win for Obama, even when he loses.
The politics of division and resentment and paranoia has unfortunately found a home in the Republican Party.
Republicans who know better in Congress, and they're there, they're quoted saying, yeah, we know this is kind of crazy, are still bending over backwards to shield this behavior from scrutiny or accountability or consequence.
A reference to Trump's much-panned, both sides are to blame response to last year.
Both sides are to blame in Charlottesville, Virginia.
We're sure as heck supposed to stand up clearly and unequivocally to Nazi sympathizers.
Look at her.
How hard can that be saying that Nazis are bad?
And he talked about the importance of showing up.
They set up this paradigm that everyone's a Nazi and then say, if you don't denounce it, you think Nazis are good.
How hard can it be?
That's like a pro-choicer saying, I'm just for choice.
How hard can that be to say that choice is good?
Why are you anti-choice?
Because I'm not using your verbiage.
Okay?
You're anti-life as far as I'm concerned.
But the other clip I wanted to see was dig up Obama saying that he's responsible for Trump's economy.
The actions we took during that crisis returned the economy to healthy growth.
There we go.
Thanks, Obama.
And initiated the longest streak of jockey on record.
Sounds good.
We covered another 20 million Americans with health insurance, and we cut our deficits by more than half, partly by making sure that people like me, who've been given such amazing opportunities by this country, pay our fair share of taxes.
Our fair share.
Does anyone have any idea how much us rich people pay in tax?
It's damn near 50%.
My tax bill is probably twice your annual salary.
It would make your hair white.
And my neighbors way worse.
Anyway, enough, Obama.
So this is something you hear a lot, and it does have some validity.
If you look at the Dow from Trump to when Obama started, you tend to sort of see a pretty good 45-degree line.
And I'm tending to agree with the liberals, and I don't like that.
It never works out when I agree with liberals.
So this guy, what's his name now, who put out this video, his economic advisor, Herrot, Hemet or something like that?
He put out a video that explained that, yes, things have been getting better because they always get better.
They got better much slower for Obama than they did with Trump.
I know I'm going to bore you, so I'm going to make this fast.
But show some of that video.
The next chart, please.
Okay, so this is Kevin Hassett.
Just pause it for a second.
And he's discussing the economy, and he's saying that if you go back too far, yes, you see a 45-degree increase, and yes, that could look like Obama.
But when you zero in, you see that even within the improvements, things are improving much better.
Let's see how long we can tolerate this boring nerd.
Key part of the economy, and it's one of the factors that we look at most closely because it characterizes basically the good-paying jobs, the jobs that affects normal Americans, blue-collar Americans.
And the first chart is core capital goods orders, and the second chart is too boring.
I can't handle it.
Sorry.
I'm a Ditzy Broad, basically.
And we should talk to someone who knows what they're doing.
Let's have Matt Palumbo, Millennial, explain this video to us so we don't have to watch the whole thing.
*Music*
Matt, are you there?
I'm here.
This is Matt Palumbo, my go-to guy for all things economics.
You just wrote a book with Dan Bongino, correct?
Correct, yes, sir.
What's it called?
Spikey.
Right.
There it is.
Dan is my colleague at CRTV.
So you've been, I've always used you as my economics guy, but now my peers are realizing your brilliance.
The only thing you could do to improve your career would be to master a Colombo imitation.
And then when they say something like, Obama made this economy, you go, oh, my wife's a huge fan.
My wife's a huge fan.
And then go to leave the room with your trench coat.
You got to squint one eye.
And come back and go, there's just one thing that's bothering me.
And then you come back and you refute the previous thing.
I'll work on that.
And I'll also invest in a camera where you're not seeing into my nostrils as I'm talking to you.
Yeah, and your lip syncing seems to be off.
So you're way too close to the camera and your mouth is off.
This is amateur hour at the Apollo, but we don't really care.
We're millennials, you and I. So we don't really care about picture.
We care about audio and content.
All right, so Kevin Hassett, we're just watching this super boring video about economics.
Echosnorix, they ought to call it.
And I thought, I don't understand this.
It's too hard.
So I thought, I'll call Matt.
Do you have that first graph?
So Kevin Hassett shows us some graph where there's a thing that goes up and it seems to be going up higher than it was supposed to go up, the new business applications.
I guess that's people trying to register an LLC?
Yeah, the chart was showing that every quarter, or at least the most recent quarter, there are something like 150,000 small business applications being filed, above what we would expect if it was going on the same pace as when Obama left office.
So the passive video, I'm assuming you showed it earlier, what he was doing is referring to an argument that people make that, sure, the Trump economy is doing great, but it's really just a continuation of the Obama economy.
And, you know, as we know, generally speaking, over any time period, the economy is going to get better.
It's going to expand.
So you could kind of make that argument that every president is passing on the baton.
So how do you determine what's thanks to Trump and what's thanks to Obama?
And one way he was saying was, well, look at the difference between what was projected out once Obama left.
In other words, what we would expect if Obama's policy was continued uninterrupted.
And clearly, all the charts he's looking through show, well, we're actually doing a lot better than that.
Okay.
He did, go to that first chart, Ryan.
He did inherit a hell of a shit show from old Bush.
And when I saw this chart, no, not that one, the next one.
Yeah.
That one, we see George W. Bush just ruin everything with his open borders and his relentless foreign intervention.
And then Obama seems to be a 45-degree lineup.
Yeah, I mean, charts like that really do depend on the timeframe.
I mean, you could even get cute and do an extreme example and say, you know, if you look at the trend from 1950 to when Obama left office, he was just continuing a trend.
And, you know, the decline in the financial crisis looks almost like a bullet in comparison.
So as always, the timeframe does matter.
Well, what about this next chart?
Show the next chart, Ryan.
I'm going to hit you with three.
So there's that one where the Dow, I guess, is going up.
And then there's the median household income.
Oh, this one actually looks very good for Trump.
Sorry.
I get most of my economics information from Instagram.
So I'm not very reliable.
But the household income, unlike the previous chart we just saw, appears to have been plummeting way below 60K, down to 35.
And then it shoots up to an all-time high ever with Trump of, what is that, 61?
Yeah.
Yeah, I remember seeing that one from you, and I didn't think it was anything against Trump.
I mean, it technically ticks up a slight amount Obama's last year, but almost all of it was due to after Trump.
Yeah, I'm not using that as an example of pro-Obama.
I have a lot of pro-Trump charts in this, too.
Like, check out this one.
Again, my source is Reddit, but it is a fascinating chart.
This is the most interesting one because there definitely is an upward change.
I know it's been written on in crayon, but they're definitely from Obama's first day to Trump's to yesterday, there's definitely a lineup.
But if you look closer, you see very little action with Obama and a lot of action with Trump.
This chart actually contradicts the very first one I showed that was just a perfect like ski jump.
Right, yeah.
Yeah, and the thing is, I mean, you could directly link them to Trump's policies because, you know, the first hump or jump you see is mostly anticipation of his tax policies because corporations are going to be making more money overnight, therefore it should boost their stock prices.
And then, I mean, we see all these other effects.
You know, small business optimism, if you look at the chart of that, it pretty much is aligned directly upward once Trump takes office.
And that's not something you can write off as continuing, you know, the Obama years.
Yeah, I noticed that as a Canadian in Quebec, when there was a referendum and they were discussing the possibility of separating, the economy just started plummeting because businesses are very sensitive and they think, I don't want my head office to be in Quebec, and then Quebec is a new country.
So any kind of uncertainty makes investors skittish.
And I think Trump took away a lot of uncertainty.
Yeah, and it's weird.
I mean, there are other ways in which Trump creates uncertainty, like certainly with a lot of the trade and tariff talk, but it's a bit bizarre that the market does not react as harshly as you'd expect.
Meaning, I guess you could say people think that despite the more reckless or I guess you could say more certain reckless things he says or does, it's nothing in comparison to all the positive overall.
Right, and the reckless things he says are silly little celebrity gossip.
The real policies he makes are guttural changes you can feel in the pit of your gut.
All right, let's.
Exactly.
We can only take one more chart because we're airheads.
I saw you showing this chart in your article on, what was it?
What was it on?
Political Insider?
Political Insider.
That's it.
And it was projection with stimulus is the dark one.
Projection without stimulus is what he thought it would be.
And this is Obama's forecasting.
And then the actual unemployment after Obama's stimulus is through the roof.
Yeah.
So, I mean, if you or me were to become president two years into a recession or financial crisis, the economy would probably recover on its own eventually within a couple of years.
And you and I could technically claim, hey, we're presiding over a recovery.
But the question is, how does it compare to other recoveries?
And I think Obama's was the slowest since the end of World War II.
So, yes, you presided over the worst recession since then, but also the worst recovery.
So just because you recovered doesn't mean you're doing well.
It's sort of like they say, look at blacks.
They're doing much better off with all these liberal presidents.
And you go, no, actually, the black middle class has climbed much slower under Democrats than white middle class.
Right.
I mean, all the recession is, is six months where the economy can track.
So you can have an economy that's growing at a really, really tiny rate.
You're technically not in a recession, but it's nothing to celebrate.
So in that chart, you saw, that's how Obama pitched his stimulus.
He said, you know, with a stimulus, I think it's that we'll never see unemployment go about over 8%, but without one, it'll go above 9%.
Bing, bing, boring alert, bing, bong, bing, bong, bing, bong, bong, bing, bong.
Boring alert, boring alert.
Should I continue or is that we're ending the segment now?
That's the end of the segment.
What beer do you support?
I am Team Guinness, as you can see.
My camera kind of ruined the point of wearing this, I guess.
Yeah, I'm Team Bud.
I love a Guinness if you haven't eaten all day, but it's too much.
A Budweiser just sort of jumps into you like it's jumping into a swimming pool.
It's more, it's a meal drink for sure.
Okay.
Well, they both have their merits, but at the end of the day, I think both are delicious, exactly like you and I. Thanks for coming on the show.
I like you more than a friend.
Ditto.
So it appears that the man allegedly from Kenya is not responsible for Donald Trump's success.
Yeah, sorry, guys.
It's not Obama.
He's not the second coming of Christ.
God.
The way these...
Him and Justin Trudeau, the way they cream their jeans every time he walks by, and you just think this is not based on policy.
This is based on you thinking everyone else is racist and you want to rub an Obama in their face.
You don't actually like the actual guy.
And people do this all the time with surveys.
They go up and they say, they'll do Trump's tax plan and say it's Bernie's, and they go, sounds great.
I think 5% of the populace is truly academic and interested in politics.
The rest of them, I'm not mad at you.
I've sort of forced to have to know about it.
And even I'm a pretty ditzy.
But the rest of you are all pretending, especially women.
So many of them are just going by instincts and emotion.
And I don't know, I saw him kiss a baby.
I want to vote for him.
And we see this all the time with Wakanda and Africa.
Here's what actually happens in Africa, okay?
This is in the Congo.
There is a lynching epidemic going on there as penis theft panic hits the capital.
Now, this is kind of an innocuous website.
I'm overusing that word these days.
But it's the only one where they have this awesome picture.
Now, I don't know if this is a penis shrinker, but this is a place that is highly superstitious.
And even Christians will have a Juju man, a witch doctor that they believe has magical powers.
And their concern here is that witch doctors, juju men, are just snatching your penis.
Without grabbing it, by the way.
Just like, you know, got your nose.
They just got your penis.
It's a slightly longer thumb.
And they take your penis away.
And now you just have like, I don't know, an anus there.
What did they replace it with?
Or does blood shoot everywhere?
It's probably like a Kendall, just like a flat.
Maybe a little hair.
Hmm.
I know if I was in a job and they said, okay, welcome to the Juju Man Incorporated.
You'll get started making potions.
And now I'm being Jamaican with the poo-poo.
And if he said, oh, one thing about your job, you have to make men's penises disappear.
I'd go, I'm not doing that.
Sir, you need to do that in order to make the potion.
You have to take away the peepee.
And I'd go, yeah, I chose the wrong profession.
I didn't know that I would randomly be snatching penises from men using magic.
This is not what I signed up for.
I wanted to help babies like in a burning building and go and like land them safely.
But wait.
So when you do like a, if your African sounds like a Jamaican, you recalibrate with the poo-poo.
Yes.
That's how that works?
Yeah.
All imitations have a word, a little sentence, and it recalibrates your imitation.
For me, African, I just have to go, de poo-poo.
That's pretty good advice.
Your camera angle is too high.
It looks like you're at the bottom of a lake.
So yeah, these guys are getting murdered because other people think they're magic and they can take away your penis.
That is sub-Lord of the Flies.
This is much more common in Africa than Vibranium.
I find it amazing that this is the Congo because remember that woman who climbed up the Statue of Liberty?
I think she made it to the Statue of Liberty's toe, which isn't exactly climbing the Statue of Liberty.
And she was doing that to protest Trump's terrible immigration laws.
By the way, you are here because of our immigration laws and you're welcome for that.
She's a refugee from the Congo.
The Congo, even as far as Africa goes, is one of the worst places on earth.
They just had a war there where they had children being forced at gunpoint to rape their mothers and cannibalism and dismemberment.
What have I got there?
The testimony included boys being forced to rape their mothers, little girls being told witchcraft will allow them to catch bullets and women forced to choose gang rape or death.
So we get a refugee from that country and the first thing she does is complain about the horrible atrocities of the American human rights.
What it's a bizarre double standard that is summed up by the bigotry of low expectations and I think it's racist because you're not treating everyone equally.
You're going, yeah, you guys are great.
You're what kinda?
No, I don't care if Scotland is having children rape their mothers.
That place sucks.
I don't have different rules for different people.
And I certainly don't believe.
Oh, you got the Statue of Liberty there?
I certainly don't believe in praising a fictional place as an example of how awesome Africa.
Oh, it is actually pretty hard to get to the toe.
That is a ferret climb.
She just got bare feet on?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
How about her pitch at El San?
I would like to come here and humiliate you despite the fact that I come from hell on earth.
Anyway, this is the moment you've all been waiting for.
And I put it at the end on purpose because I wanted you to have to watch the whole show and plow through those boring economic arguments that are a bit of tough love, a bitter pill that you must swallow.
Let us travel to the great Wakanda with the geniuses over at The Root.
*Sexy music*
Hey guys, Aquavi'al, Uuru.
I just want you to know that Wakanda exists.
It's not just in comic books.
It's a place that you can learn about.
And if you do a lot of research about it and you know the history of it, then you're smart and you're a historian.
And if you want to present that to the public, one fun way would be to talk about Wakanda as a vacation spot.
Now you can use all of your incredible information, all your history, all your empirical facts about Wakanda.
You can use them in a video.
Let's roll the tape.
Guys, I'm Kaya.
And I'm Andrew.
And when you're planning your next vacation, you shouldn't limit yourself to destinations that actually exist.
Yeah, because Punsakanda might be fun and Australia is always a hoop.
But the next time your wonderless strikes, there's a kingdom in the Marvel universe that offers wonders beyond your wildest dreams.
I mean, if they let you in.
If they let you in.
Just pause.
So what's happened here is this guy's read a bunch of comic books.
Probably not either of these two.
They have a different talent.
And he goes, I want to use this.
How do I use it?
And they said, I don't know.
We could make it a fake vacation spot, which is hilarious because it lampoons how many people are so serious about Wakanda.
I saw a professor on Twitter say, you know, Wakanda shows what would happen if the whites didn't colonize Africa.
Just to be clear here, Africa sucked rocks before we were there.
It sucked rocks while we were there, and it sucked rocks since we left.
Africa, for the most part, sucks.
It is one of the most backwards places.
They're still practicing slavery there.
The homophobia is through the charts.
All the little social justice warrior conceits you have apply in Africa a hundredfold.
Everything.
There's stuff.
People can't joke about it.
Like I noticed Trevor Noah started to joke about Africa when he first got the job at Daily Show, and then he went, this is getting a little too intense.
The horrors going on there, the raping of babies to cure AIDS, the dismembering albinos to get their blood because their blood is somehow magic.
That's not, that's too much.
I can't joke about it.
It's freaky.
And the same with South Africa.
They can't talk about the murders or the farm murders because they're too sadistic.
People can't be eating their dinner and have the news on.
But anyway, what I love about this video is they inadvertently justify nationalism.
Everything they like about Wakanda, if they'll let you in.
Yeah, Wakanda is alt-right.
They have thick, thick borders.
They don't allow anyone in.
They allow people to starve all around them.
Africa is the worst place on earth.
And they totally ignore that because they just care about their people.
It's actually a very white nationalist place, but it's black nationalist.
I think it's too extreme.
It's far right, as they say.
Of course, we're talking about Wakanda.
The tiny African nation is the richest country on Earth 6.6.
And we're not just talking about gross domestic product.
No, we're not, because for thousands of years, you can't talk about gross domestic product there.
There is no gross domestic product.
There's just gross lies, gross negligence of the truth.
Wakanda has developed a rich culture steeped in tradition, advanced in technology, and untouched by colonists, imperialism, and interlopers.
No, it hasn't.
Is that proof that they're really advanced?
There's no place on the planet.
Quite like Wakanda.
And now that they've joined the global community, there's never been a better time to visit.
That's why we're here with a guided tour of the wonderful world of Wakanda.
Travel guide.
The sights, the sounds, the superheroes from border to border.
Wakanda is a tourist's dream.
But before you trek through that techno-organic jungle or sample to the local cuisine, you should pay tribute to the nation's history with a visit to the greatest.
Just pause.
You should pay tribute to the nation's history.
So this is the whole reason that they made this thing is so they could show off that they read a bunch of comic books.
But it is amazing that they are so reverent about a place that does not exist.
It's embarrassing.
And the fact that you have to be this fantastical to be proud of Africa actually proves the inverse.
And it shows that Africa is a mess.
The only way I can like it is to make up crazy drawings to draw a better Africa.
That doesn't bode well.
When someone says, hey, what's your husband like?
Oh, he's a great guy.
Oh, yeah, yeah, what do you mean?
Well, here's a picture of him flying.
Oh, that's pretty cool.
Yeah, here's a picture of him lifting a million pounds.
He's strong.
What's the matter with your husband?
Why can't you show me any true things about him?
The great man.
That's where a massive meteor hit Earth thousands of years ago and forever changed the destiny of a small tribe that stumbled across it.
It was made of a strange, sound-absorbing alien metal called, you guessed it, vibranium, which made for excellent weapons.
You know what is also amazing about this?
Two things.
One, I believe Black Panther, the original comic series, was written by a short, fat Jewish man.
so you're not even in your own fantasy, you're in some Jewish guy's fantasy.
And secondly, I'm not very impressed.
You have a magic raw material, you have a magic, what do you call it when it's in the table of the elements, a magic mineral, a magic, a magic element?
I'm not impressed that this is all you can do is have one little tiny place.
Look at what Sweden does with watches.
Like all these other countries have thrived using actual materials that aren't magic.
And you have a place that the only reason you're doing well is because God gave you a superpower machine.
Look at this.
They mock us for using vibranium to make Captain America's shield, which, by the way, ended World War II, according to the lore.
And as we later learned, shields.
The most versatile substance on the planet.
And they used it to make a frisbee.
The radioactive vibranium mutated everything around it, creating the heart-shaped herb that gives a panther their power and turning a bunch of tribesmen into horrible, horrible monsters.
What's this got to do?
Oh, they said you have to learn the history of the place first.
He defeated the demons, locked down the great mouth.
I am embarrassed.
Can you just pause it here?
I am embarrassed at how much adults love superhero movies and talk about Marvel universes.
You realize that's a guy who's trying to entertain children going, yeah, and then there's suicidal albino apes that the tribe ate their blood and they became like them.
And then Black Panther, he had to get the super diamonds out of the magic golden eagle's eyeballs.
I don't know.
I'm on a deadline.
And you're sitting there going, oh, really?
What year was that?
This is hilarious and embarrassing.
And is that guy, why is that guy here?
Is he considered black?
Or is it because he's Hispanic and gay?
He fills in a bunch of, checks off a bunch of boxes.
They've checked off all the boxes, but knowing stuff that you should be able to relay to people.
We're not going to make it through this whole video.
It's like 15 minutes of comic book facts.
Local tribes under his banner to become one nation.
And thanks to all that vibranium, which is so rare that it's worth about $10,000 per gram.
They got money.
Money.
Money.
They got those skrillions.
No, they don't.
A guy drew a picture of money.
That doesn't mean it's money.
This is like, can you just pause it here?
And we're going to have to jump ahead.
This reminds me of when my doorman was taught, he was reading a book, and it was a biography of the dude from Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal Lecter.
And he goes, whew, man, this guy is scary.
And I go, but what is it based on a real guy?
I didn't know that.
And he goes, no, no, no.
So you're reading a biography of a fictional character and you're scared?
What are you scared of?
And this is him as a teenager.
So even in the made-up land, he can't get you.
Jason and Freddie aren't going to get you.
Wakanda doesn't exist.
All right, let's skip ahead here.
All right, so this is a good part.
Stop, stop.
So they just talked about his army.
They were concubines, these bald black women.
Power.
Who were they originally they were designed to be the wives of the king, but then they became his secret army that can beat up anyone with their spears.
If you pull a gun on them, they will throw the spear through the gun, and you will be left with nothing but their poo-poo.
And then so they talk about them, and then they talk about how evil white people, some South African guy, yeah, that's who we should be beating up on right now, is white South Africans.
They have it too good.
Especially the farmers, those spoiled brats.
But I like this part.
We'll just end with this.
They talk about how now that Wakanda's been discovered by the world, they're under a lot of pressure to give, and it's going to ruin them because there's all these disgusting, horrible plunderers that want to take the wealth of Wakanda.
And now that the borders are open and they're going to the United Nations and stuff, everyone wants a piece of Wakanda.
Ring any bells!
Ring any bells!
We don't like the UN.
We don't want to share our wealth.
Not only am I an isolationist when it comes to walls, I'm an isolationist when it comes to economics.
And that is because I have studied in depth the history of Wakanda.
And globalism doesn't pan out well.
This is a nationalist film that we still, by the way, I'm not digging up some ancient video.
This is a new video.
We are still talking about how awesome Wakanda is on a daily basis.
And it's got some swag.
That's his little sister who's a technological genius.
Sorry, go back a bit.
I shouldn't have been talking.
And he has some swag.
And it's got some swag.
And God knows he's going to need it because ever since Wakanda entered the world state, it's been a big target for evil ass who want to exploit it.
It's still one of the safest, most secure countries in existence, but during your trip, it wouldn't hurt to look over your shoulder for Wakanda's most wanted.
Okay.
Anyway, then they go off and talk about evil white people and a few, some guy who ate a gorilla's blood or something like that, drank a gorilla's blood and he became evil.
You guys are so bad at this, you lefty fantasizers.
Even your fantasies are a complete mess.
And unfortunately for you, a thing called reality exists.
And you can't take a vacation from that.
And we're done, folks.
I wanted to end with this video.
This is a guy.
I used to do this with my son all the time.
Kids go through a Spider-Man phase.
My son was so into Spider-Man, he wore out threadbare about three different costumes.
But if you're a good dad, you do this with your five-year-old little Spider-Man.
*laughter*
That's sarcastic.
Guess what's pissing me off right now?
Can you guess?
The names on the right, the comments showing?
Nope.
Is it Content in the video.
Yes.
The color of the walls.
Shut up.
Here's what's pissing me off about this: don't laugh.
You're ruining the whole thing.
He doesn't think it's funny.
Haha, look at me.
I'm Spider-Man.
He thinks he's Spider-Man.
He's crawling along the ceiling, and then he shoots a web and he goes flying over.
Kids hate being cute, especially when they're dressed up as a badass Spider-Man.
You have to close your mouth like this so you don't laugh.
Look away if you must.
Go into another room.
But you just shattered the whole thing.
You just ruined his whole awesome adventure as Spider-Man by going, ha ha ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Oh my God, you're adorable.
You're not a crime fighter.
You're just a cute little kid.
Shut up.
Stop wrecking things for kids.
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