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Sept. 5, 2018 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
42:27
Get Off My Lawn Podcast #78 | Is doing good impressions something you're born with?

I sit down with my right hand man Ryan Katsu Rivera and we discuss his ability to do impressions. I can’t do them. Is that because I haven’t tried or is it just a skill you can’t acquire. Would I be able to do Tony Soprano if I worked on it for hours at a time? I don’t think so. There has to be some kind of physical traits your born with that enable you to mimic sound better than others.

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Is doing good impressions something you're born with?
I mean, I'm okay.
I can do a lot of British accents, pretty bad Australian.
And then as far as actual individuals, I don't really got it.
Like, I can do one word.
Like, I can do Ron Reagan going, well, and I can do E.T. going, Elliot.
That's about it.
But I'm here with my producer, engineer, sidekick, gay lover, Ryan Katsu Rivera.
And I don't know, can you train me to do good imitations?
Yes, I can.
And the key to doing it is you have to close your eyes and you have to feel like who you're doing it as.
You have to feel like the person that you're doing.
Okay, let's start with me because I can do that really well.
You could be you?
Yeah.
Okay, well, you have, I mean, every now and then you'll throw an interrogative at the end of your thing.
Like, yeah, and the millennials don't know how to read, so they talk like a bunch of retards.
Yeah.
How is that interrogative?
That sounds pretty affirmative to me.
Oh.
I don't think I know the definition.
I'm a millennial.
Interrogative is a question.
Oh, yeah.
Interrogate.
Ring any bells?
Interrogative.
Yeah.
Well, I should talk like that because I got a lot of important stuff to say that people are taking for granted and they shouldn't.
That's true.
And then sometimes you'll be super affirmative and you're like, yeah, that fucking rules.
That rules.
Okay, I get it.
You know, you do that.
Yeah.
So you take a hyperbolic example of something, but the Tony Soprano thing, that really is the quintessential example because I feel like I've hit a ceiling of how good I can do at it.
And then you sort of go up above onto the roof.
And I don't think even with 100 years of practice, I can get there.
And you look at someone like Anthony or, you know, other people who do these.
Rich Little is the only other one I can think of.
But they just seem to pick it up.
Do your Anthony.
Oh, my Tony?
Uh, it's a very, uh...
It's a very difficult situation, Christopher.
That helps, too.
Like, picture who you're talking about.
You see Christopher Moltasanti's face looking at you.
It's a very difficult situation, Christopher.
No, I wasn't mad enough.
That wasn't too bad.
It's a very difficult situation, Christopher.
I see what's happening there.
So now I got the headphones on.
I can hear you right in my ears.
There's a lot of force.
You have to look.
It's a very difficult situation.
Almost like a bullfrog.
Almost like a bullfrog.
Will you let the air sit right in this?
good.
It's a very...
It's a very difficult situation.
Now I got the godfather cheeks.
It's a very difficult situation, Christopher.
Wait, or the mouth, too.
The bell, too.
The bell.
Almost like a little baby.
Yeah, it's almost like a little baby.
See, yours is way funnier than mine will ever be.
It's a very difficult situation.
With the mathematics.
What's the mathematics thing?
He goes, when I was in school, we learned about the house of Appomattox.
Now, I can feel it.
I remember taking guitar lessons and just going, bing-doo, bing-doo, bing-doo.
Fuck this, too hard.
Plomp.
Yeah.
Threw it on the ground.
It's a very difficult situation.
That's the best I'll ever be in.
Very difficult instrumentation.
And then, of course, your Bill Burr.
It's brutal.
It's brutal.
That's pretty much all you got to do.
You just say something that kind of pisses you off.
You just say something that kind of pisses you off.
It's brutal.
Dude.
Yeah, dude, that's another one where you put a lot of air, but it stops before your mouth.
You put a lot of air.
Now, see, I'm actually doing it worse when I do it after you.
Dude, it's brutal.
They're talking about the hottest job on earth.
Being a housewife, let's cut the shit.
It was being a roofer with a redhead in July in Boston.
Yeah, my God, I just embarrassed him.
See, but Boston, that's the thing about impersonations also.
It could be the cringiest thing.
If you fall off of nailing it, it's like the cringy.
I feel naked.
I feel like suicidal.
I feel like Gigi Gorgeous when she went to her fertility expert and the woman pointed out that she has a penis.
You feel like a fake woman.
I feel like a fake woman.
It's so embarrassing.
I want to give birth to Bill Burr.
That's what it is.
But it's just not there.
It's not there.
It's Brutal.
Oh, dude.
The thing is, it's cicado.
That's cicado.
So you got to end like the, when you're done talking, you're done.
That's a chart.
Thad.
That's burdo.
Yeah.
These broads.
What, you got a broad?
Talking to me now.
I'm going to do this barrel roll.
See, all the words, they ring out too much.
You got to like pull them in.
You got to pull them in.
They're like vacuum sealed.
Vacuum sealed.
Yeah.
I'm getting worse with your coaching.
I'm sorry.
What about Ezra Levant?
Potato cheeks.
See, this is one that I started doing the other day.
I was listening to him talk.
He had an interview, and I noticed that his lips were always hiding from the audience.
Yeah, it's like he has a secret on the tip of his tongue.
I have two lip tattoos.
If I stay still too long, you'll see them.
And then you'll also see my cheek potatoes, which I say because it sounds like I'm talking with hot potatoes on my cheek, like Ken Kratz, the defense attorney from the movie Making a Murderer.
And I, you know, Tommy Robinson, when I saw him come out of prison, he was emaciated.
So I gave him one of my cheek potatoes to eat.
And he said, that's unsanitary.
And he walked away from me.
Thanks for letting me do that whole thing.
Did you?
What was I supposed to do?
Come on with a blanket?
Are you abandoned in a river during a storm?
And I get the winch out and drag you out.
But yeah, hot potatoes.
He talks like he has potatoes in his cheeks.
I think he might have a racist, like he might have been a Nazi skinhead, and he has like Nazis forever and blood and soil tattooed on his lips.
And he's embarrassed about that.
He hasn't removed it yet.
So when he opens his mouth, you can see.
So he has to retract his lips after everyone.
Who else can you do?
I'm out of steam today, so now I'm using you to power this podcast.
One of my favorite ones is it doesn't sound very good at all, but it's fun to do because I feel like him.
It's Tommy Lee Jones.
Slick, you're not part of the men in black.
Welcome, man.
Maybe that is the M-A-N Black.
Slick, there's a volcano about five miles away.
See, that doesn't sound like him at all.
No, that's kind of so bad.
It's funny.
Right.
That's like your David Cho.
You sound like an American Indian when you do David Cho.
You have to, like, fuck porn stars and, like, gamble and put, like, lobsters on your dick and stuff.
And then paint, I guess, in between for a long time.
Follow your dream.
Follow your dream.
Like, quit school.
Like, live your life.
That's not how he talks.
You sound like an Indian.
He grew up on the Res.
I guess so.
Dude, let's do some more sopranos.
You got Tony.
What about Christopher?
Tony, I fucked up.
Yeah.
Tone.
Anybody does like a vibrating kind of.
There was one scene where he thought that Adriana was giving oral sex to Tony in the car, but I flip it around because it's funnier the other way.
So he's like, Tone, I saw you fucking blowing Adriana in the fucking escalate, Tone.
Don't fucking lie to me, Tone.
It's like, sometimes you got it, sometimes you don't.
You got it.
That was good.
The hard one is Polly.
It's impossible.
Nick DePaulo can do it great.
It's half the hand.
You've got to hit your tempo with your...
T. Yeah, it's impossible.
I remember my wife and I were totally obsessed with the sopranos.
It might be how I eventually, you know, seduced her into marriage.
It was our Sundays.
That was our big day.
I woke up this morning.
And then the guy towards the end, woke up this morning.
Scrape my techniques.
I love the idea.
They're Australian, I believe, that band.
And I love the idea of, I just love the idea of people around a soundboard and someone taking a risk.
And then the other guy looking at him and he can't say, that's a great idea.
That was better than shrimp on the Barbie.
So he has to just sort of look at him and be like, that was crackers.
That was great.
So when they were doing that studio thing and it was getting to the end with the jingon bag and they were listening to it and then the black guy is like I got something.
He must be American, right?
Do they do black accents in Australia?
I don't know.
I don't know.
So he, he's like riffing and he's kind of, maybe he's had a few drinks and he's really in the zone.
And then just as it's coming towards the end, he just can't resist.
And he's like, welcome, Best Marlene.
And then the guy, the singer of the band, gives him a look like, that was bloody creaking, mate.
Nice.
That was fucking awesome.
And then he moves the little levers on the soundboard up.
We're keeping that.
That was good.
I told you to get out of your shell.
You nailed it.
That's what that is.
Yeah, that little burst of confidence.
I'm just going to go for it.
And you know what probably happened?
It was uncomfortable.
After he did it and he got the okay, he's like, I'm glad you liked it.
I got another one.
And the guy's like, no, that's about it.
We've got it.
What about woke up, woke up, woke up?
I was actually holding back.
You want to see my real idea?
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, no, we got it.
Woke up this morning is good because that's in the chorus.
What about period?
Face to death.
No, no.
Stop.
Maybe one of the guys got kicked out of the band for not coming out of his shell enough.
And that guy got scared.
Oh, so he's just like, it was.
Woke up this morning.
That's him trying to keep his job.
Yeah, yeah.
He's just sweating.
Maybe the guy is a total fucking asshole.
And when he went, like, he just did that to keep food on the table at home.
And instead of the guy going, that was great, mate, he just sort of gave him a look.
And the guy didn't even know that it was good until it appeared on the final single.
And he's like, well, I guess I still got a job.
I guess I don't have to go back to America's.
That's fucking funny.
That's so gay, that stuff.
Like in I Want to Know What Love Is, that Toto song.
And then at the end, where it's like and I'm feeling so much love.
I want to know.
And then you see like, and I know, and then no.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know why?
Because it feels foreigner.
It feels calculated and queer.
And I apologize to the gay community because you're not even that gay.
Gays are just like, I want to do the song.
Hey, hey, we're partying.
You can ring my bell.
All right, we're done.
Let's go.
They're not like, ring it, ring it.
That's too creative.
That doesn't have enough feeling.
It's too logical.
Are you saying gays aren't creative?
No, I'm saying they don't have to force it.
They kind of just flow.
Right, guys?
Who's with me?
No, I'm totally open to that as a concept.
Like, I'm doing Stossel tomorrow.
He's doing this thing on me, big tech, banning conservatives and people in general.
And they're going through all these quotes.
And they're going, you know, you have a reputation as being a racist to the left, anyway.
And I go, yeah, yeah.
So does Trump.
So does everyone.
And they go, well, you did say poor Hispanics are not compatible with America.
And I'm like, that's pretty bad.
That's a tough one to defend.
And then I look it up and it's from a movie called The Call of Monsters about these El Salvadorian teens.
And one of them was from somewhere even worse than El Salvador, like Nikacaqua.
And these kids come from war-torn countries and they become gangsters.
And in this documentary, I forget exactly what it's called.
I think they call it the Callas Monsters.
And in this documentary, they're trying to go through this rehab thing, and they couldn't give less of a shit about rehabilitation or assimilation or documentary.
It's a difficult situation.
These El Salvadorians.
But the thing about El Salvador is a war zone forever.
So I think young boys grow up there where senseless violence and a lack of mercy are actually positive traits.
Like your dad doesn't want you to be a pussy because you'll die.
Now they come to America.
What's it called?
They call us monsters.
They come to America and we have the exact inversion of that.
We want you to have mercy.
We don't want senseless violence.
For you to just go up to a stranger and gut them and slit their neck is frowned upon.
So I said poor Hispanics in that context, because I couldn't say El Salvadorians because one of them wasn't from El Salvador, but I meant war-torn Latino country.
Of course, you have to be walking on eggshells.
And this, by the way, is an opinion piece, not a tweet.
And it was part of me watching the movie and talking about my feelings.
Facts don't care about my feelings.
And I said, I couldn't help but feel when I was watching this that poor Hispanics are not compatible with America.
Now, that's not a politician making a statement.
And if it was me making a formal statement instead of within a review of a movie, then I would say, sometimes I'm concerned that countries such as El Salvador are breeding young men who have no intention of assimilating within American culture.
But look at that.
Now you got me talking like a fucking dictionary.
You can't riff.
You will lose the everyday Joe.
Right.
And they'll lose people that can get you.
But also, why can't we talk normal?
They say die cis scum.
Sarah Jong says all white people must die.
She talks about old white men.
Can you imagine if we were like, you know, I want to kill all black people.
I wish they'd all die, but old black men, that's who I really want to die.
Right.
And you're listening to going, wow, you really zoned in on who you're going to kill first, dude.
How would you say in a politically correct way or a politician way what Sarah Jung said?
She said maybe Caucasian males over the...
I had a point.
El Salvadorians are not compatible generally.
Her point is all white people must die.
Maybe you could say, I'm so frustrated by how prevalent racism still is.
And I can't help but notice, at least in my life, the ones saying it are white males, especially old white males.
That's something, Sarah.
I wouldn't miss old white males if they were to disappear due to their...
Yeah, but it's a little too malicious.
Like even in mine out of context, it was wondering about a particular demographic.
And obviously, I didn't mean Hispanics who come here and bust their ass and are here legally and working hard, they're poor.
So fuck them.
Hello.
I am interested in working on this project with you.
Oh, yeah, Juan, I read your resume.
Let's get started.
You seem to know what you're doing and you've built a swimming pool before.
Yes, many times.
Wait a minute.
Are you poor?
Oh, well, yeah, I don't have mention.
Get the fuck off my property right now.
Actually, get out of my country.
I only want rich Mexicans coming here.
You know, that was one of the reasons George W. Bush opened the border so much and was so pro-Mexican.
George W. Bush.
Just found that one.
What, you've never done that before?
It was just so done by everybody.
It was like, the world doesn't need me on this one.
They got it.
We'll do it.
There's so many terrorists out there.
It really breaks my heart that a little Asian boy could try to, you know, 10 years, 20 years almost after I've been out of office, tries to make fun of my fucking voice.
Fuck him in his chinky fucking eyes.
Remember when he did that fool me once?
Yeah.
I was never a George W. Bush fan, but I didn't even enjoy, like, I hated him, but I didn't enjoy his screw-ups.
Well, like that people must have a lot of people.
That's a good idea for your podcast.
But you didn't like that podcast.
Wait a minute.
Every time I email you, you go, well, you didn't send it to me.
And I go, I just emailed it to you.
And you go, oh, oh, yeah.
And then you check, and I go, oh, he must not have his notifications on.
And then we do a podcast, and it's bootly doop.
That was a tweet.
Oh, so you have your notifications set for tweets, but not email?
But no, no, no, I do.
But you had said even, and I haven't changed it since, but you said, no, you shouldn't have notifications on your emails.
Just check your emails.
And I was like, that seems dangerous to me, though.
Trouche.
You got me there.
I listened to what you say.
And I think it's, and I ran it through my head.
I said, is that a good idea?
Is he right?
And for the show, of course you're right.
But for real life, like, I just, I don't have to.
No, I think it's stupid when people have their Twitter notifications on, email notifications.
They got that dumb fucking watch where it's like someone, one of the 300 people you follow tweeted something.
And when you're talking to those people, they look down at their wrist and they go, oh, the weather has changed.
That is whack.
Here we go.
Fool me one speech.
You ain't gonna fool me either.
I didn't.
So, in my state of the, my state of the union or state, my speech to the nation.
Oh, that's bad.
Speech to the nation.
I know that human being and fish can coexist peacefully.
And America needs a military where her breast and brightest are proud to serve.
You're a single mother with two children, which is the toughest job in America as far as I'm concerned.
And you're working hard to put food on your family.
question asked, is our children learning?
Too many good docs are getting out of business.
Too many OBGYNs aren't able to practice their...
Their love with women all the time.
Practice their what?
Their love with women.
Love.
You saying you didn't like these?
Well, you know, I have distance now, and it is juicy.
From back when he was the president of the United States, I'd feel heat on my shoulders.
I was so embarrassed.
There's an old Tennessee.
I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee, that says, fool me once.
That's already bad.
Shame on.
Shame on you.
You fool me, you can't get fooled again.
That's almost the funniest thing I've ever heard.
You know how he talks like you talk when you're having sex?
I don't do that anymore.
But because I can't, because I talk like that.
And you're just like, oh, yeah, yeah, you like that.
Oh, I want me so bad.
Oh, I love my tits.
Sorry, your tits.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Dude, I know exactly what you're talking about.
And the messed up thing is if you fuck up a sentence that has the word pussy, my, and dick in it, and your, if you jumble any of those up just a little bit, you got the weirdest sentence you ever heard.
Your dick feels so good right now.
It's like, are you used to saying that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No.
You say that I want to cum on my tits.
It's just that your balls feel so awesome.
With all due respect, you're going to take a free holiday from someone you consider...
Let me just try to reorder...
Here, Justin Trudeau.
The fact is we work...
Justin Trudeau, I think, is worse than George W. Bush.
Wow.
And that's impressive.
That might not have been okay.
The fact is we work...
Sorry, let me just try to reorder the thoughts.
Reorder the thoughts?
We worked with the lobby conflict of interest commissioner on a regular basis on a broad range of issues when the issues come up.
On this issue of a family vacation...
Oh, he's on a roll now.
...personal friend, it wasn't considered that there would be an issue there.
How would that not have occurred to you, with all due respect?
You're going to take a free holiday...
Okay, he does it again.
There's some doozies, though, out there where he's talking about tariffs and stuff, and he goes...
Let me explain this.
When we trade with America...
Okay, sorry.
Hold on.
What the hell?
Here, do your Justin Trudeau.
So, when...
Okay, wait, wait.
Fuck.
If...
You got to get more nasally.
I think I could do a pretty good Ben...
Ben...
What's his name?
Ben Shapiro?
I think I could do a pretty good Ben Shapiro.
Ben Shapiro, if you're listening, I respect you.
I don't think you respect me very much.
I think you've retweeted people mocking Proud Boys, but whatever.
I can...
I'm a big boy.
But...
You got to do something about that voice.
You need to smoke a pack of Marlboros a day, and drink a bottle of whiskey, and when you wake up, just go...
Into a pillow for one hour.
Yeah.
Even if it was like kind of a raspy or high voice, that would be kind of cool.
You sound like an 80s villain, like the Warriors come out and play guy.
Yeah, Warriors come out and play.
You take away the rasp, that guy's just...
Queeb.
Wait, wait, here.
We import more steel than the Americans...
We have a significant trade surplus...
The Americans have a significant trade surplus with us on steel, which means we buy steel from them.
This isn't bad.
Yeah, but there's a couple of moments where it sounds like he's fighting it.
I continue the heavily Tory today, and I'll be elsewhere next...
It's the right way.
I'm wasting the viewers'time.
Did you ever try a speech jammer before?
Maternal love.
What?
You ever try a speech jammer before?
What's that?
Really?
Oh, you have to check it out.
It just delays your voice like a half of a second, and so before you can get your next word out, you're like listening to what you just said.
And you think you're doing pretty good, but if you listen to the recording, you're like, and then I throw...
bro!
Look it up.
Yeah, I think I can just find it, and you can do it real time.
Yeah, do you think impressions, to get back to the hypothesis of this entire show, the thesis, do you think that impressions are something that you can just be good at, or is it genetic?
Well, the one that you like the most, Tony Soprano, I thought I would never be able to do that, and I was okay with it.
And then I just...
So impressions in general, I think you have to have some kind of...
You can't be tone deaf, because I think it's a very musical type of thing.
Do you play an instrument?
Yeah, I'm a guitarist, and I sing.
I could hit a note.
I don't have a good voice, but I could hit every note.
Why don't you do some Fat Bottom Girls?
I don't know the lyrics to that.
That's not one of my favorite songs.
I have to really like the song to sing it, but I could play it anything guitar, pretty much.
What song do you like?
What about...
Woke up this morning!
Woke up this morning, got a blue moon in your eye.
Everybody, head down...
I wasn't ready for that.
That was awesome.
Woke up this morning!
You really went for it.
It's sort of like that Styx song where he's like, come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me.
Lads.
Oh, is it?
One of the choruses, he just goes, lads.
I'd never noticed that.
Or in Little Red Corvette, where he's like, baby, you got to slow down.
And then the black guy goes, got to slow down, yeah.
Yeah, there it is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Little Red Corvette.
That's when Prince was like, all right, dude, chill out a little bit.
It sounds like they all did this.
Let's Red Corvette.
They probably did, yeah.
The people at home can't see you dancing, but he's doing that little Prince dance where you kick out each heel.
Right, left, right, left, right, left.
Plug in your headphones, allow the browser to access.
Your microphone...
Okay, okay.
We sound like we're wasting everyone's time here.
Put these on.
Okay.
I'm going to put...
Can you hear yourself?
Check, check.
Yeah, I can hear myself.
Okay.
So we're trying this Speech Jammer, and I'm going to sound like Justin Trudeau and George W. Bush.
Now, do you have Speech Jammer on the main soundboard?
No, no.
Okay, so I hooked up Speech Jammer to my computer, so we're going to see if I can, using technology, make myself as retarded as Justin Trudeau.
All right?
Here we go.
Here we go.
Whoa, I got some intense feedback there.
Oh, I see what's happening.
You hear yourself after you're talking.
Oh, my God.
the justin trudeau app it makes you talk like justin trudeau okay so let me explain what a trade surplus is.
It's sort of like: say you're doing business with Mexico, and you buy like they buy $100 of stuff from you, and then you buy $120 of stuff from them.
So there's a trade surplus of $20.
Mexico's benefiting from these exchanges by $20, even though they gave you $100.
So when Trump said Mexico is going to build the wall, he says, look, this restaurant, this business associate I have, keeps making $20 off me.
So I'm going to say to him, hey, let's take him maybe a buck or two off the 20 bucks.
Sort of like Roger Ebert when he goes to a restaurant and he's been there a lot and he knows that his celebrity is good for the restaurant.
So what he does is he says, I want the booth by the window.
I want to go there because I'm a regular at your restaurant and I deserve special treatment.
In Trump's situation.
Difficult situation.
In Trump's situation, he is saying the booth by the window is the wall.
Wow, that's hard.
Okay, you come over here and you try to do Tony Soprano yelling at Christopher.
I don't even know if this is the worst thing to.
Despending on the amount of delay, that's pretty tiring.
Yeah.
You're already tired.
Okay.
So, yeah.
Wow.
It's been a while since.
Come on, Justin Trudeau, do Tony Soprano.
Hey, Paulie, why don't you go get the car, bring it around, and then we're going to take a split around about the block.
Tim, we're going to take you.
Thanks.
It's a very difficult.
Sounds like we're a mushroom.
Yeah, it totally does.
It's a very difficult situation.
And Paul is my right-hand guy.
And I got Stevie.
Remember him from the East Street Maid?
It was a Steven.
Yeah, I remember him.
Yeah, it was, you know, he wears a headshead.
Okay.
Okay, that's enough.
Isn't that fun?
That's enough, folks.
Wow, it's amazing to see what it's like to be them.
And it ain't pretty.
I think Justin Trudeau had a shitty life.
I think that his parents were total hedonists.
I think Pierre Trudeau beat the shit out of Maggie Trudeau.
I think he was abused in the sense that he was a second-class citizen in his own home.
He did not come from a happy family.
Pierre Trudeau was a violent asshole, and Maggie Trudeau was a useless dumb slut.
So the offspring, luckily they didn't pick up on Pierre's violence.
The offspring is more of a beaten dumb slut.
That's what, he's like, say you get a dog from the kennel that's been kicked around.
Imagine that dog was a dumb slut.
That's the Prime Minister of Canada.
Now the Bushes are totally different.
The Bushes are obsessed with Mexican elites.
That's why Jeb Bush married a rich Hispanic who can't even speak fucking English.
Can you believe we almost had him as president?
He can't assimilate his wife.
How is he going to assimilate all these illegals?
But she's a funny little woman.
But the Mexican elites are very bizarre rich people.
Like you think of British elites and it's like, hello, darling, how are you?
Oh, look, Reginald has a guitar.
Do us a song, will you, Reggie?
And then he plays it, and he doesn't even have any shoes on and stuff.
And they're in a little cabin in the woods, like in Withnail and I. That's not a nice cabin because they don't like, you know, opulence.
They like to rough it a little bit.
They like to rough it, and they never have money on them and stuff.
Hello, darling.
How are you?
And I was getting divorced and stuff.
They're very fun.
I find they're like hillbillies.
Like the very poor and the very rich in Britain are basically the same.
They just have different accents.
But the Mexican elites, they'll have like two gold lions inside their apartment that you get to in a glass elevator that goes.
And then you go up and it opens up maybe with some dry ice that's set up on these little things.
Then there's like a glowing orange lit floor that goes to like this fur couch.
And there's servants there with white gloves, even though it's 110 degrees out and it's fucking freezing in there.
And I think the Bush family just went, well, goalie!
Not Bush Sr., but George W and Jeb and all that whole generation, they're just like, you gotta see it, man.
I'm eating out of a plate that's transparent.
And the fork's transparent, but it's tough.
It's not plastic.
And that was like, fool me once, you fool me.
Fool me again.
I want an OBGYN to play with my breasts.
Yeah.
The best and the breast and the brightest on Speech Jammer.
And, you know, but he, why is he so different?
He likes sports a lot more or something?
He seems like a cut different from them.
I think he's probably a good guy to hang out with.
Yeah, he seems the most fun.
And he knows how to paint.
And that's important in a friend.
Yeah, I was hanging out at Ryan's house, man.
He can't paint for shit, though, so I left.
I brought a six-pack over and some gouache.
He couldn't even do a fucking duck.
It's like, I'm out of here, man.
That thing doesn't even have hands.
Bro, you paint?
What's your fucking paint?
I'm never not painting.
I'm painting right now.
Dude, he's such a good guy.
Like, whenever I'm crying, somebody puts his hand on my shoulder.
He says, dude, fuck her.
She doesn't even know how awesome you are.
And he could paint his ass off.
He's bald.
He's a micropenis.
He was pretty overweight.
He was 300 pounds.
But his paintings are amazing.
Actually, women would do that.
Like Julian Schnabel.
He's a big, fat, ugly douche, but he can paint.
He's probably got a fucking hot wife.
So I explain that guy here.
But no, I'm only explaining how George W. Bush was so pro-Mexico and pro-open borders and totally blind to illegal aliens because he thought Mexicans were cool.
Not to disparage our southern brothers there by doing a southern accent.
Sorry, it's just an easy go-to when you're doing a yokel.
Yeah.
Doesn't mean we don't like southerners.
I'm starting a new thing where I'm politically correct about white people.
I'm very careful what I say about white people.
You know, it's worth it because half the country is from a southern, the southern colour.
Well, also, it's such a stupid trope.
And as a Canadian, I'd hear, oh, I'm a redneck and I don't think dinosaurs exist.
And so you watch 60 Minutes and the guy's like, yeah, I'm a top attorney for pharmaceutical patents.
And a lot of these times, you know, they'll change one molecule, the diamexepan, and it's called diamexapanipan.
And you're like, wow, I thought you were an inbred hillbilly.
Actually, no, I'm not.
But the diazomazepam, it actually messes up the grid system, which we constructed.
Me and a couple of colleagues of mine.
Yeah, actually, I'm on Adderall.
I am a retarded hillbilly.
But this is really good amphetamines.
You know what I noticed about, so I was watching Ozark, which we talked briefly about.
No need to really get too far into it, but the main chick does a southern accent.
She's not from the south.
And my friend Jesse that I was watching with, he called it out immediately.
He's like, yeah, she's doing like a North Carolina accent.
And they're not from there.
Wait, isn't Ozarks in the Midwest?
Yeah.
It's like around Detroit or something, right?
Yeah, but I guess they're from, like, you know, in Pennsylvania, they have no reason to have a southern accent, but some people are.
Yeah, like Virginia.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You go to see Virginia football fans, and they all sound like they're from Alabama.
Right.
And they're from next to D.C. Yeah, I don't know how that works, but it does.
And you can't fool those guys.
And I was like, is it?
You can fool them once.
But you can't fool me again.
You ain't going to fool me again.
I won't get fooled again.
And yeah, but New York accents, the only time I was like, well, I'm not Southern, so I can't tell the nuances between the difference of different accents or whatever.
But the New York one they tried to fool us with with Colin Farrell in Phone Booth.
Remember that?
No.
She tries to play like a New York City guy.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's a murderer or something.
Yeah.
Yeah, Kiefer Sutherland's the voice on the phone.
Right, yes, yeah.
And he's like, "Hey listen, you don't gotta shoot me.
Like, I'm a New Yorker, so like I'm in Saturday Night Fever.
What?
Don't touch the hair.
Can you do John Travolta and Saturday Night Fever?
Josh Travolta, Saturday Night Fever.
No.
No, that's pretty good.
Okay.
It's Anthony's again.
It's Anthony Coome's impression of that.
That's fine.
I'll take it.
I always give credit.
Don't touch the hair.
Don't touch the hair, right?
What about the guy from Fast Times of Ridge Mount High who's got blue oyster colours?
You dick.
No, not Jeff Spikoli, the one with the tickets.
Everyone can do Jeff Spikoli.
Mr. Hond.
Oh, this is great iced tea.
Yeah, that guy.
Wherever you are, that's the place to be.
You're going to have side two of leads up when fall.
Oh, my God.
That guy's the coolest.
Yeah, it's really cool to knock up a chick and not show up for her abortion.
We agree.
Maybe he's pro-life and he was offended by it.
Yeah, right?
Yeah.
That's my seed.
I'm not going to show up where you murder your fucking baby.
What am I in an animal?
I like iced tea and stuff.
All right, we're running out of time, and we got to go shoot some Walt Kowalski stuff.
What?
Oh, shh, the liquor store is going to close soon, too.
Are we out of impressions?
Is that all you got?
Is that all you got?
Can you do POD?
POD?
Just take your best shot.
Is that all you got?
The band, right?
Yeah.
I feel like a fly.
I'm clearly kidding, dude.
No one asks someone to do an impression of a band.
Hey, here's a tough impression.
Can you do the beginning of Miami Vice, the original show?
It's before my time.
Is that a guitar or something?
That's good.
Here, I'll play it for you.
And then you see if you can just do it.
But while I look that up, let's see if you can do.
Let's see if we've got all your impressions.
Is that it?
Well, you know which one I've tried to do in front of you, and I've done it like three times, and I haven't gotten one comment from you about it.
Okay.
The Samuel L. Jackson.
Oh, yeah, do Morgan Freeman.
See?
To the folks at home?
I hate Samuel Jackson.
His face puts me in a bad mood.
With the all-new Capital One credit card, you can get 5% off all y'all shit.
That sounds like a southern cook who makes fried chicken who is related to Samuel Jackson, like his brother or his cousin or something.
I hate the way Samuel Jackson, every time he's wearing a suit, it looks like he's never worn a suit before and he's super uncomfortable.
And then he has that thing that Ice Cube does where I'm scared of you.
He's like, I'm a big, tough guy, and I'm going to fucking make you shake in your boots.
And you're like, you're my dad's age.
Right.
Like, well, how old is Ice Cube now?
Probably 60, 58 years old.
He's like, hmm, I'm mad as hell.
What the fuck you done?
Get away from my daughter.
And you're like, man, it's Friday.
I'm coming out with another movie on Friday.
Yeah, it's like they have like non-veteran confidence.
Yeah.
Like guys that are your age and your body type should have seen combat if you're that confident.
And by the way, Ice Cube, when you have your Jerry curls and you're in a low-riding vehicle that has hydraulic shocks and you're in Compton and you have an M16, don't get me wrong, I'm pissing in my pants.
My panties are brown at the back.
But cut to now and you're still, it's like iced tea.
Might as well be walking around in a plush Kangal jumpsuit going, I got the power.
Why play a cop now?
Why used to be a rapper?
He used to rap about dead cops.
Now he's a cop on TV.
Yeah.
That was a terrible iced tea.
Yeah, I'm iced tea.
My girlfriend has huge titties.
That's not, though, as bad as the previous one.
It's still pretty bad.
Let's cleanse the palate with some Morgan Freeman.
I'd like to say Andy Dufran didn't get raped by the ladies.
What was it?
The sisters?
No, I don't know.
That's good, though.
And then there's another one where you lean on me, the younger Morgan Freeman.
Oh, he's got a little more pep in his head.
Yeah.
Don't mess with drugs, boy.
I'll toss you right off this roof now.
And then you have the low one, which talks about penguins.
He's a little bit more tired.
He's been through some shit.
It's not Morgan Freeman.
All right, this is what I want you to see if you can do.
You think you're good?
Let's see if you can do this.
Be like the black guy from Police Academy.
Yeah.
You'd have to be like three of them.
Not that part though, right?
I don't have to do that part.
I don't want to be able to tell the difference.
Okay.
Okay, come on in, Sinsonic Drums.
This is where you come in.
Wait, take it back right now.
I couldn't hear it.
You did it.
He went over it.
Let me see him.
Okay, okay.
Do-do-do.
Okay.
Can you pause it real quick?
Okay.
I can feel it.
That's rough.
That was great.
Thank you so much for appearing on my show, even though you were just sitting two feet away anyway.
Not a problem.
Oh, there's one we almost.
Gordon Peterson.
Well, I think impressions are empirically hard to...
They are bloody hard to do.
You need to clean your room first.
Don't forget to clean your bloody room for Pete's sakes.
Well, what about Joe Rogan?
Yeah, that's a good point because he's a bad motherfucker, man.
There's like a study on there, and apparently, like, it's good for if you're trying to do like karate kicks or something like that, you just take a kettlebell and you're just like, hmm, that's a bad motherfucker.
Wow.
You know what we got to start doing, man?
Let's start calling these guys, getting them on the show, and then playing quotes that they say.
Like Jordan Peterson saying.
To be honest, cleaning your room is bloody irrelevant.
I don't know.
I just locked on that and I stole it from Gavin McInnes.
But it just became a big thing and now I run with it.
It's bloody ridiculous.
Gavin McInnes said it as a joke one time and I took it from him.
I said, wouldn't it be funny if I tricked these stupid fucking fans of mine?
And I just made them a little bit more.
You get Ezra Levant going, yeah, I hate Tommy Robinson.
I have no respect for him.
That's funny.
Oh, great.
We're printing.
I guess the missus assumes we're not recording.
Oh, I see.
Whatever.
All right.
So, CRTV.com, sign up.
It's like $90 a year.
You get Get Off My Lawn, which is Monday to Thursday, then Monday and Tuesday.
And then on that second week, you get CRTV Tonight.
You also get, that's another show I do, a talk show.
And then you also get a show called After Hours, which is taking the guests from the CRTV Tonight and doing a more drawn-out, in-depth interview.
For example, this Friday we have Diamond and Silk.
Boy, is that annoying.
You know, I bought that on-air sign thinking it would work, but then I never used it.
Yeah, babe, we're recording a podcast, and now there's printer sounds.
It's my daughter.
There is outside.
Oh, shit.
So yeah, go there, sign up, use the passcode, Gavin.
I'm just kidding, Monch.
I don't care.
And I like you more than a friend.
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