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July 9, 2018 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
46:02
Ep 152 | The Lost Boys | Get Off My Lawn
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Time Text
Making my way through the hood with your boo.
All his homeboys think I'm cute.
It's Net Off My Lawn with Gavin McKinnis.
Riding around 10 and 5, toting his iron.
Bad night now, I've tried none.
You getting feel too.
I could have killed you.
You lost a tennis shoe.
We shooting out the roof.
And now you wanna lose.
Ow!
I was rolling with...
Wait, I don't want to lose this time.
Go to the video.
I'm not safe around this dude.
Dude is black car.
Look familiar to you.
It look like them dudes.
Dude.
Dude.
Oh.
I killed another fool.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Kids play in school.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Don't wanna be the dude.
I have to show you fool.
Nobody fuck with you.
It's Big Fuck Your Life.
Not this time.
We put them in the sky.
You can't move with your life.
Our goofies must die.
You still need if you try.
Don't you like your stars?
Don't pull this part too.
I'm gonna strike for you.
I'm gonna strike for you.
I hit another phone.
Another funeral.
Ah, baby.
Close enough.
I think my favorite line in there is, I could have shot you.
You lost a tennis shoe.
Hey, see if you can find those Canadians trying to escape arrest from a bodega because she lost her tennis shoe too.
And I think it's they she climbs up into the yeah, there you got it.
You'll notice that, and people don't talk about this enough in the mainstream media.
With almost every conflict, someone loses a shoe.
And this woman lost her shoes.
Every car accident, major car crash, when a car hits someone, they lose a shoe.
At least these guys are wearing sneakers, though.
This guy's awesome.
I just, God, if that back door was only open, I totally sympathize with him.
That's the problem with America's Most Wanted and all these crime shows.
You're like, go, go.
That guy's a criminal who's, you know, screwing this guy out of insurance money and hurting his business and almost killing him, I assume.
And my heart, and I'm not proud of this, inadvertently goes to the criminals.
Get out, get out.
That's a good idea, perfect ass.
Go, go up.
Now she's going to lose a tennis shoe.
He's got...
This is a July 4th app.
We're not having any more episodes this week.
Look, there goes her shoe.
She lost a tennis shoe.
It's actually a running shoe.
Look how many cops it took to arrest them.
Good work, guys.
Good work, mess head criminals.
You almost escaped.
Gotta be a little more careful, though, when you're going through ceiling vents.
They're not really designed to carry 100 pounds.
Fun episode today.
I'm just gonna wing it.
We got a bunch of videos we want to catch up on.
Super fun, super light, not too serious.
I'm gonna be belching a lot thanks to this German beer I imported called Budweiser.
And we have CRTV tonight on Friday.
What do we got there?
We got Kurt Schilling.
We got Derek Hunter.
A bunch of fun guests on Friday night that I want you to check out.
It's a really good show.
Kurt Schilling may or may not have an important announcement to make about CR-TV.
We will see about that.
So I know you're partying and everything, but please take some time out to enjoy this particularly funny show.
And I do a great July 4th monologue where I drink Budweiser and talk about beer and how important it was in the facilitation of the American Revolution.
But let's get serious here.
So who was that, by the way?
Sexy Red?
Yep.
That was Sexy Red.
Here's an interesting newspiece.
I want to catch up on a bunch of newspieces we didn't get to earlier, a bunch of stupid videos.
But let's start with Ricky Berwick.
This is my pal.
He's from Waterloo, Ontario, a tiny town in Waterloo.
And despite being so fairly handicapped, he is hilarious.
And I believe that comedy is sort of like an intense artistic talent.
Like my father, my grandfather was a painter on my mother's side, and he was a reluctant artist.
And he did these beautiful paintings.
I think he had one art show, and he just stuffed them under the couch, but they're all stunning photorealism.
He was cheap, right?
As all Scots are.
He grew up rich, but he squandered the family fortune.
And he would use like liquid paper and a piece of a crayon and a pastel and just do this stunning portrait.
Here's an example of one.
There's another gorgeous piece that we have up in our house.
And I know my mother wasn't into art, but when I was a kid, I'd say, Mom, can you help me draw a porcupine?
And she'd go, oh, here.
And draw a perfect porcupine.
Like, it looked like she traced it.
And I believe that was genetic.
Now, I think Ricky Berwick similarly has a genetic sense of comedic timing.
And he uses his severe handicap to aid his comedy.
But you're either funny or you're not.
And more women are funny than men.
I say 95% of the population doesn't have this talent.
It's a 5% gift.
And with women, it's more like 1%.
But Ricky Berwick is part of the male 5%.
And check out him doing crippled news.
Someone drove into his local pharmacy and he hopped on his little scooter and went there to report.
I love his Canadian accent too.
It also helps the jokes.
Take it away, Ricky.
What happened at the pharmacy?
Cops are here, blasts everywhere, blowing around.
It's a dangerous situation.
You don't want to be near this place.
They don't want to be near this place.
This is crippled news.
Can I just interject here?
This is a little bit self-serving, and I've talked to Ricky about this.
I think he stole the tongue thing from me.
I used to do that on Fox News on Red Eye to be particularly uncharming and to gross people out and say, I like a lady as much as the next guy.
It sort of helps emphasize the point and make you seem totally disgusting.
And he uses it all the time.
And I said, dude, you stole the tongue thing from me.
And he goes, no, you stole it from me.
Let's agree to disagree.
Anyway, let's get back to it.
Crippled News.
Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
We're here.
I've seen the crime.
Someone has trashed into shopper's drug mart.
Look at this slide.
It's fing crazy.
So a Tesla slammed straight into a shopper's drug mart, breaking the glass window.
That big glass window you always see at shoppers.
They broke that with a Tesla.
I have no idea yet.
We're trying to interview someone on the scene.
No, you're not.
This is crippling.
Sir, sir, sir, sir.
What has happened?
He's got to be braver.
And you don't have to blur out faces, dude.
It's totally legal to photograph people in a public space.
If you zoom in.
We got goddamn witnesses.
Excuse me, ma'am.
What has happened here?
I don't know.
Like, I just came in and the car was running.
What are they going to sue you for?
Stop us, jump off.
Were you here when it happened?
I don't know, maybe something's wrong with the truck.
Thank you.
Thank you.
There's glass everywhere.
Anyway, you get the idea.
You got to check out Ricky Berwick on Twitter.
He's the best.
He's really good at editing, too.
His videos, he cuts them at the perfect time.
But here, let me explain something about people in a public place because they used to try to sue me for do's and don'ts back in Vice days.
There was a fashion column I did where I made fun of people's pants.
If someone is in a public place, there's a reasonable expectation of being photographed.
That's it.
There was a famous story, I think it was in the Montreal Gazette, and it said, spring has sprung.
And they had a couple in Central Park in New York City, and they were holding hands.
They're madly in love, and the leaves were blowing.
Yay, spring is here.
That was his mistress.
The guy was having an affair, and it ruined his marriage back in Mount Rio.
He was in New York having an affair.
And he tried to sue them.
And the judge said, look, you're in a public place.
You knew 100 people were going to see you that day.
Turns out 100,000 people saw you that day.
So your anger is that too many people saw you.
Not that people saw you, but that the number wasn't to your liking.
Sorry.
You know?
That's just the way it goes.
So don't blur people.
And now if they're in the privacy of their own home, that's a whole other deal entirely.
Here's another funny video I wanted to show.
And this links back to feminism.
Ladies, don't put your hands in sharks' mouths.
Don't go to riots with a cigarette in your mouth and pick fights with beasts who have their adrenaline coursing through their veins.
And don't go up to a shark and tickle its teeth.
That should be a given.
But nope.
Everything is groovy.
There's no such thing as danger.
There you go.
What could possibly go wrong putting food in my hand and handing it to a shark?
Oh my God.
Anyway, that's that entire video, but there goes her fingers.
Even Heather Heyer, I know it was a horrific thing and it's sort of become the ultimate taboo to even mention her name.
But what was she doing going to what was she deemed to be a Nazi rally, just in flip-flops and a sign ready to throw down?
I mean, I'm obviously not saying she should have been killed.
I'm obviously not saying she was asking for it.
But one thread I keep saying on the show is, ladies, and this goes for our side too, don't go to riots.
Don't go to brawls.
These things are rumbles.
You're headed to a rumble, a gang rumble, where people's passions are high.
And one side, they think we're evil.
We just think they're wrong.
One side thinks they're fighting literal Nazis who want to commit genocide, which obviously is completely insane.
But if that was true, then avoid those people.
And I keep repeating this.
When I was a kid, we fought Nazi skinheads.
It was petrifying.
The last thing I would ever do is expect my sister to come here.
Come to the brawl.
By the way, sorry, to get back to that opening song, Red Sexy, that has to be a drug dealer's sister, right?
She's devoid of talent.
She doesn't look wealthy enough like that Katie girl who did that Friday song.
Remember that?
What was her name?
Rebecca Black?
Rebecca Black was clearly her daddy buying her a rap producer.
It's time to make that terrible song.
This girl doesn't appear to have that much money.
I think her drug dealer brother threw down like 40 grand and said, you have a white boyfriend.
That seems cool.
That'll probably sell.
Here's some money.
Make a video.
What are you pulling up there?
The Friday song?
This is the hot problems.
You ever seen this one?
No.
It's kind of like the sister of the Friday.
Is it literally this sister?
No.
No, you know what I'm saying.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm so literal.
Hot problems.
That sounds like diarrhea.
Why aren't you coming out, dude?
You said you're going to go get Mexican and then you're going to come out with us.
I got some hot problems.
I'll hopefully see you guys later on, but it's not looking good for me.
The Scottish stomach cannot digest jalapenos.
Look at me and tell me the truth.
What do you do when people don't know what we go through?
Think you're not going to be able to do it.
What are you going through?
Blue eyes and clocks.
But they don't know I have a really big heart.
Don't get me wrong, I know that I'm hot.
But textbook perfection really takes a lot.
We've got common phone, it's got common things.
Like Mike said, I can't be tamed.
We're just like you, except we're hot.
And real life, we're not perfect.
Can you zoom in on my face, Dave?
Get Get real close here.
Get right in.
Do a nice, strong, solid zoom.
Maybe even closer.
Let's see, as close as you can get.
Hi, I'm Gavin McInnes, and I'd like you to know that hot guys have problems too.
We're just like you.
This level of gorgeous doesn't mean I get a free pass everywhere I go.
I still have to go to the bathroom.
I still put my pants on one leg at a time.
I still have nightmares.
I still get stressed out.
I still have anxiety.
I know you see this and you think my life is one big red carpet.
It isn't.
It isn't one big red carpet.
You see this gorgeous sort of anal wrinklage?
My eyeballs look like an anus is shitting out an eyeball.
Believe it or not, I'm just like you, an ugly person.
Ladies, that's sort of like that chick Ebony, what's her name at Fox News?
E-B-O-N-I, which really irritates me.
I don't know why, but I really hate her name.
Yeah, check out her book.
I don't think I never heard her say anything of consequence.
Fox News has all these sort of derivative types.
Like there's the jock, there's the pretty girl, there's the blah, blah, blah.
And they just say what they're supposed to say every show.
Like I remember that chick who has funny teeth, the Jewish girl who's kind of a liberal woman.
No, not Jessica Tarloff, but another chick who's kind of hot, actually.
And she says, oh, these people are bringing in their families, the refugees, and I'm pro-immigration and my family was a refugee.
And then later, I was on another show with her, and she said, I said, they're all bringing in men.
And she goes, yeah, they have to bring in men only first because the men established the new house and then the family moves in.
And I realized, you're just anyone's dog for a bone.
You just, you're contradicting yourself.
The last time I was together on Kennedy, I believe, was the show with you.
And you just say your role.
It's like the jock goes, well, we should beat up nerds.
Oh, the nerds just saved your life.
Yeah, well, nerds rock, but some of them need wedge.
Like, there's no thought, there's no sincerity.
And that's what I get from Ebony Williams.
But look at her book, Pretty Powerful.
You're not ugly, but to just assume that everyone finds you attractive is kind of arrogant, is it not?
Hi, you're obviously wondering what it's like to be this powerful and this beautiful.
And you clearly want to hear from my point of view as a gorgeous person.
Let me break it down for you.
Us gorgeous people, it ain't all that.
It can get pretty rocky over here in incredibly attractive land.
Remember I said to David Cross once I go, do you think that you get laid mostly because you're famous?
Is that why you're popular with the ladies?
And he goes, obviously.
And then he goes, this ain't cutting it.
Some honesty.
All right.
Tom Arnold.
I have a theory about Tom Arnold.
I think he's intellectually inferior.
Nothing wrong with that.
Dave Cast right here, one of my best friends, my co-worker has a low IQ.
I don't care.
It's like being an albino.
It doesn't really come up that much.
They tend to get lost more with directions.
They have a little bit of trouble with the tip at lunch, doing the basic math.
What does that slow you down?
Like eight seconds a week?
Not a big deal.
Maybe they're getting lost adds another 20 minutes.
But I think Tom Arnold recognizes that he's going up against super smart weirdos like Michael J. Knowles, who is way smarter than me and obviously is intimidating if you're out there saying something like, I want to take the president down with invisible sex tapes.
So that's a pretty big hill to stand up.
That's a tall mountain to get on top of.
I just made up that colloquialism.
So you're intimidated when you do that.
And you're pushing a new show.
You have a chance to improve your legacy.
You're known as Tom Arnold's, I mean, Roseanne Barr's ex.
And so she's the Trump person.
She got fired.
She's down now.
Now, if you're the anti-Trump guy, this could sort of obfuscate your legacy and reboot your hard drive and make a different Tom Arnold.
So there's a lot of pressure on him.
So he goes, I know, I'll take an Adderall.
It's as Stephen Colbert described, air conditioning for the brain.
And I'll be super smart.
Or at least I'll be the smartest I can possibly be.
The problem is, Adderall is a hell of a drug.
It is literally speed.
You know, these tweakers we talked about in the 80s, porn stars and junkies walking around the streets of Hollywood and the East Village, the tweakers twitching.
Same drug.
It says on the bottle, amphetamine sulfate, meth, amphetamine, excuse me.
So I think if you're going to do Adderall for something important, here's my advice.
Take a pill.
I believe they come in like 20 milligrams, 10 milligrams.
Break it in half and then break that half in half.
Have a quarter or less and take that at 7 a.m., 8 a.m.
And then don't go near it for the rest of the day.
These kids today doing 40 milligrams, 80 milligrams?
That's like doing a gram of cocaine.
You are flying high, my friend.
Flying high.
I couldn't imagine it.
So that's my theory on what tarmel is, because I've done too much Adderall before.
We used to call it, I can't handle it anymore, I'm too old.
But when I had my first kid, we would get it prescribed.
Johnny Knoxville taught me how to get it prescribed.
What you do is you say, I'm having trouble at work, it's affecting my marriage.
I'm very tired.
I tried Riddlin, it didn't work.
But a friend of mine gave me Adderall illegally, and it really worked, and it helped my marriage, and it helped me at work, and it helped me function, and it solved all my problems.
Now, the Hippocratic Oath says, if I don't give it to this guy, I'm hurting him.
You get it.
Plus, New York is full of corrupt doctors.
I had this one doctor in New York we would go to, just paid him $100 and give you the pills, the Adderall.
I never tried Oxy, thank God.
But he was always high.
I remember he's wearing snowboard pants and like a dress shirt with a tie.
And this is on Park Avenue, right by Central Park, like the most expensive real estate in New York City.
And he would just be sort of like, hey, what is the story here?
He'd sign it, ask me a few questions.
And one time I left my briefcase there.
Oh, and I ran back to get it.
And as I came in, there was a black woman standing yelling at him.
She looked like a tranny.
She looked like total trash.
And he was sitting down, sort of reaching up at her.
And she's like, baba, baba, baba, baba, baba, ba, ba, ba.
And he, I remember him saying, I don't understand you.
Which could have been as simple as the thick ghetto black accent versus the upper west side rich kid New Yorker accent.
I mean, the ask you a question is the least of it.
They have developed two completely different dialects.
Anyway, it's a hell of a tangent to describe my theory about why Tom Arnold is so bad in interviews these days.
Here he is on CNN having the longest freeze-up, I believe, in the history of television.
This may be a record breaker.
No joke.
Is that a category in Tennessee?
I'm just watching this interview, and he knows that Michael Cohen and I blow your nose.
I'm going to go back to the Regency with Michael Cohen.
Listen for a second.
Just listen for a function.
Listen to this.
And I'm going to spend the weekend with Michael Cohen.
And the best.
Michael Cohen.
Donald Trump.
Ivanca Trump.
I'm spending the weekend hanging out with Michael Cohen, and there's a lot going on.
And you've disrespected him and his family, and there's a lot going on.
So if he gets to sleep, that's good enough for me.
Tom, you are going to spend the weekend with Michael Cohen, the president's former attorney.
And I have to say Michael Cohen.
So one person at a time, Felix Sater, all these people that were friends of him, and I've got one person at a time, people from Trump's work.
Did Michael Cohen tell you specifically that he is working with the authorities?
This is what happened with Michael J. Knowles.
He said, what exact evidence do you have?
And the left is so used to Facebook bubble talking that they just have to say Trump is a Nazi.
Speaking of which, that just reminded me, you've got to see this meme.
Did you know that Hitler ate food?
Well, I just saw a picture of Joe Rogan, Ben Shapiro, Sam Harris, Jordan Peterson, all eating food.
If you need any more evidence that the intellectual dark web are Nazis, look at these two pictures.
All dogs are mammals.
All cats are mammals.
Therefore, all dogs are cats.
I didn't graduate junior high.
I don't understand how logic works.
This is literally a joke.
We used to joke around.
We say, well, Hitler used toilet paper.
I used toilet paper.
Am I a Nazi?
Hitler drank water.
Donald Trump drinks water.
I know you think I'm kidding, but go back.
That meme's a real meme.
Occupy Democrats, put that out.
We're not starting down the road to fascism.
We're already several steps along the way.
And then they steal Paul Joseph Watson's.
Let that sink in.
Let what sink in?
That Hitler had dinners?
I was aware.
You know who else ate dinners?
All humans on Earth since the day, day one.
Actually, before day one, when we were monkeys, we had dinner.
I bet you that monkeys would sit around sort of a flat rock where they could smash mangoes and stuff.
So even before we were human beings, we were having dinners together.
Nazis ate food.
That's a winner right there, boy.
You really.
I feel like the left has reached the apex.
Like, I wanted to talk about this later.
The interrupting people at dinner.
Did I send you those clips?
I don't see them here.
I don't think so.
Oh, poops.
We'll dig those up.
But the interrupting people at dinner thing, I think, is over.
There's two stories, but you can look them up while we show this while I talk.
There's Jennifer Rubin, who said on MSNBC that Sarah Huckabee Sanders should be harassed every time she goes in public in perpetuity for the rest of her life.
90-year-old Sarah Huckabee Sanders, as she's going to see her night in shining armor on Golden Pond, as she steps out for a brunch with her young great-granddaughter, they should go, hey, Sarah, you f ⁇ ing.
You ruined America, you bitch.
Oh, please, I'm just trying to get some sassafras and an old-time Tom Collins.
F you, pshh, bitch.
Ah, it burns my eyes.
The alcohol is burning my cataracts.
Too bad.
You worked for Trump 60 years ago.
So there's that clip.
And then there's also this annoying punky broad.
I'd like to speak to the manager haircut is no longer a Bob.
It's now a half mohawk.
She goes up to the EPA guy, Scott Pruitt.
He's eating food, as Hitler did, by the way.
And she goes up to him and implores him to resign.
She would like him to Resign because he doesn't support climate change, and that's going to make the air bad.
And it's going to kill her child.
She brought over her child and made it clear to him, by the way, that her child loves animals and air.
We know how kids are with air.
Hey, I don't know how many Christmases I've just given my son a big bag of air.
They love animals and air.
And Scott Pruitt is taking away animals and air from the children.
Have you got Jennifer Rubin?
Let's see Scott Pruitt first.
Let's see him first.
I know you think I forgot Tom Arnold.
Don't worry.
He's still on the hook.
Scott Pruitt, blah, blah, blah.
introduce my two-year-old.
Hi.
I just wanted to urge you to resign because of what you're doing to the environment in our country.
This is my son.
He loves animals.
He loves clean air.
He loves clean water.
He loves clean water.
Meanwhile, you're slashing the carbon standards for carbon trucks for the benefits of I guess I love air.
You've been paying for tonight to say that you see condo that's connected to an energy while approving their dirt sand pipeline.
Hi, my friend.
She's written notes to harassment.
Harassed notes.
Can you just pause it here?
I have a big problem with Scott Pruitt.
Have you ever heard of humor?
Have you ever heard of having some fun?
He just sits there, catatonic, and then immediately leaves the restaurant with his security after she's done her little diatribe.
How about what is going on with your hair?
Or what specifically do you want to present to me about climate change that you don't think I'm getting?
Or your son loves air?
Or just focus on that.
Your son loves air.
I just want to get that for the record.
Your son, right there, your two-year-old loves air.
Is that what you're saying?
Just keep repeating that and repeating that.
You don't have to be subtle.
I always say this to kids too.
Like if you're getting bullied and someone says something, you don't need to have the wittiest insult.
Just say f ⁇ you and shove him.
That's it.
They've already made it clear that they want conflict.
So don't go, oh yeah, well, you look like something the cat dragged in and your mom's a cat lady.
So that, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Wit is for debates.
Just be rude.
And she's being rude.
She drew first blood.
You're not going to get fired.
As long as you don't say, you know, a racial epithet or get really petty and talk about her weight or something.
There's so much there to make fun of.
Is this the new manager's hair?
What's going on with your hair?
Are you punk?
Isn't punk dead?
What year is it?
I mean, there's a million things you could do there.
Why do you people love using your children as weapons?
Why would you drag a two-year-old into this?
Why are you picking a fight in a restaurant with a baby on your hip?
Anyway, I really think it's the death of humor.
Maybe that's what attracts politicians, though, to that field.
Because maybe humor and politics are mutually exclusive.
Because they do seem like a particularly humorless bunch, right?
Let's check out Jennifer Rubin, who is just a vindictive, bad person.
She smells of arsenic.
Like, she's acrid.
You know what I mean?
She leaves a bad taste in your mouth, literally.
She seems so hateful.
There's one point that they miss, however, and that is you have to do what is most effective.
I don't think what's most effective is throwing Sarah Huckabee Sanders out of a restaurant.
I wouldn't serve her either, frankly.
But what's most successful is getting a million people on the street to protest.
Wait a minute.
So let's read a million people on the street.
Did you see that?
There was a computer glitch that gave her a Hitler mustache.
What the hell is going on here?
That can't be on purpose, right?
Is that on purpose?
Why does Sarah Huckabee Sanders have a Hitler mustache in the glitch?
Of all the things the glitch can do, it takes a piece of her hair and brings it over to the front of her face.
Does this mean God is a Democrat?
Does this mean that computers are left-wing?
Are computers stupid?
Is technology as dumb?
Does technology think that you're racist if you eat dinner because Hitler ate dinner?
Look what the glitch is doing.
Hey, glitches, come over to our side.
We need you.
That's bizarre.
Anyway, keep going.
Million people on the street to protest.
So let's redirect all of that good, pent-up energy to something that makes a difference.
Let's get a million people to go to Maine or a million people to go to Alaska and start putting pressure on those senators.
So it's perfectly civil to do that.
No one's telling them to be violent protesters.
But we're not going to let these people go through life unscathed.
Sarah Huckabee has no right to live a life of no fuss, no muss after lying to the press, after inciting.
Ancridge Airport is flooded with one million arrivals.
And I think that's a life sentence, Franklin.
Oh, sorry.
I'm blabbing here.
Go back.
Sorry, like 20 seconds.
So she says, don't harass Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
It's not effective.
Well, I wouldn't serve her.
And then she changes her mind at the end and goes, actually, you know what?
Harass her for the rest of her life.
Sarah Huckabee has no right to live a life of no fuss, no muss, after lying to the press, after inciting against the press.
These people should be made uncomfortable.
And I think that's a life sentence, frankly.
Okay.
Let's stay tuned.
Follow Sarah.
Follow her career.
Find her retirement home.
Let's harass that 92-year-old bitch in whatever, 30 years.
Sorry, I hope I got your age right.
Wait, that's not right.
Sorry, 50 years.
Let's say 50 years.
Sorry, Sarah.
Yeah, here's more proof that comedians and politicians are mutually exclusive, are oil and water.
Here's a comedian, Tom Arnold, who probably was funny at some point, trying to be political on CNN.
I told you I wouldn't forget.
agreed to cooperate with the authorities in their investigation I wouldn't.
12 seconds.
This is too important to me to F around.
And you know the word I'm talking about.
And I have a five-year-old son and a two-year-old daughter at that son of a chocolate show.
And we're having fun with these Trump tapes.
But this is serious to me, Poppy.
And I'm not effing around.
I'm asking you to say that.
No, I'm not saying you think I am.
Did Michael Cohen tell you specifically, really just yes or no?
he is cooperating with the authorities should charges be brought.
Did he tell you?
Do you not want to answer the question?
40 seconds.
Okay.
Dude, call Guinness.
40 seconds.
That's got to be a world record.
He's high.
Thank you for being here, Tom Arnold.
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
Oh, my God.
World's worst interview.
40 seconds silence.
Howard Stern talks about this, how back in radio days, three seconds of dead air could ruin your entire career.
And Stern's contention is that whole like, hey, come MS, we got all kinds of fun stuff.
All right, let's keep rocking and rolling.
His theory, and I like the theory, is that all this extra hullabaloo that AM radio DJs jam in.
They're like, we're going to be rocking and rolling.
All right, guys, I love all of you.
Don't ever change, not your socks, nothing.
Okay, it was fun.
It was real, but it was not real fun.
Okay.
Like all this extraneous verbiage that doesn't help the point came from this paralyzing fear of dead air.
And that paralyzing fear, that worst case scenario was three seconds.
Not 40.
40 is one for the books, Tommy.
40 seconds.
All right, speaking of 40 seconds, this intro is going awfully long.
What do we got?
Fingers bitten off.
We got Tom Arnold.
We got Scott Pruitt.
I think that trend is over.
I think the idea of harassing people in restaurants, I don't think we're going to see it anymore.
Also in the news, we have you can save your loved ones tattoos.
Now, my entire back.
My entire back is a jellyfish with a skull head under the words destruction creates.
And it is, the jellyfish is digital, like the Mantronics album.
And he's eating Chunkai Shek and Fidel Castro.
So if you were to frame that, it would be as big as this flag, basically, you know, with all the extensions and everything.
That's kind of macabre.
I don't know how I feel about this.
It seems like very Nazi mangela Jewish lampshade.
Doesn't this seem kind of wrong?
But it's a free market.
And if everyone consents to it, who am I?
Everyone concedes to it.
Is that the term?
Concedes?
Yeah.
Check out this concept.
Cutting off your dead dad's tattoo.
What do you think of this, Dave?
Not on board with it.
Not on board?
No.
There's my dad's arm.
There's part of that's bacon slice is my dad.
There's my dad's calf.
He died of someone removing his tattoo.
There's some pandemires my mom died of having removed.
You have to wait till they're dead.
Imagine that.
That's your job.
It's like with an X-Acto knife, a scalpel just removing cadavers tattoos.
Oh, that one got stuck on a mole.
Oh, there we go.
Got it off.
Ooh, it smells.
Women aren't as good with tattoos.
You know?
Women aren't as good with tattoo choices.
Like they have pandas.
Yeah, well, they're really into niceness.
Tattoos, the problem with women in tattoos is the whole point, that's enough.
The whole point is like, I'm a sailor.
I lived in Indonesia and I killed a man and I had a prostitute there and I drank a bottle of whiskey and I lost my money gambling.
That's what it's supposed to mean.
Now, those of us who got tattoos in the 80s and stuff, we were mimicking the intense masculinity of sailors.
And it was a pale, it paled in comparison, but it was an homage.
But then women will get a giant sailboat across their tits.
And you look at it and you go, you're not a sailor.
That's gross.
And by the way, you have a cavernous pussy.
Which is a compliment.
This is the late, feminists are out of control.
So feminists have gone from empowering women and saying something nice, like a housewife is a wonderful thing to be and mothers are gifted and what great women moms are.
They've given up on that.
They want male power.
So what do men brag about?
They brag about having large penises.
Okay, I don't like that because it involves a penis.
But how could I say big penis have that cachet, but relate it to women?
I know big vaginas, but that sounds gross.
How about cavernous pussy?
Yes, cavernous pussy energy is the new hot thing with feminists.
They are proud if having sex with them feels like sticking your dick out of a window or maybe throwing a wiener down a hallway.
Cavernous pussy energy is notable in its vulnerability, says Cosmopolitan.
This is a magazine that women and young girls read seriously.
There is no backlash to having a huge dick, but still, uninformed pockets of the world still wrongly believe that having a loose vagina is an insult.
It is.
With CPE, you have the swagger to welcome challenges most would be afraid of.
I see this so often with women writing.
There's no point.
It's all just floral energy.
There's no actual words that have any kind of point.
It's just like a bunch of adjectives stuck in front of a noun, almost like random poetry.
You're cool with showing up at your ex's wedding without a date because you don't need a buffer.
You show up to a date without wearing any makeup and with your hair in a messy bun because you know you can still reel your date back to your place without the extra stress of applying eyeliner.
That is a description of someone who has cavernous Pussy energy.
And then in the article, every person they use as an example of someone with cavernous pussy energy is a man.
Like that guy from Sex in the City has cavernous pussy energy.
Keep going.
They show Michael Shea from SNL.
Yeah, the black guy from SNL has cavernous pussy energy.
Like, what the hell is going on here?
Here's another thing, too, I was thinking about.
We're out of time.
But this whole like abolish ICE thing, I'm at the point now with the left, just like with CPE, I don't get it.
I don't know what they're talking about.
You don't want immigration enforcement, so you will abolish them?
Okay, are there any border guards?
Are there borders at all?
Okay, there are none.
All right, well, people are going to come through the border then.
Don't you understand?
Okay, how?
You're fine with that.
All right.
How many can come through the border?
I don't, like, it's like saying we don't want doors on homes.
All right, well, people are going to get robbed.
Yeah, fine.
All right.
Well, how, like, we empty all homes.
Everyone's stuff is free?
I don't understand your scenario.
I understand when you say things like America's racist and we need affirmative action to counter it.
I at least get the premise there.
I understand where you're coming from.
I don't agree with you, but I understand your point or reparations.
I even understand.
This country, you think this country is built on slavery, that all our profits come from slavery.
You want to pay that back.
Got it.
Got it.
I do not get the abolish ice thing.
It's a total and utter mystery to me.
Anyway, we're out of time.
Let's look at our final video.
This is, I was talking earlier about hilarity and how rare it is and how Ricky Berwick has been touched by the gods.
Oh, I forgot to talk about these guys.
Lost boys, these kids in this Thai cave.
Can you show a picture of the situation they're in?
I get a panic attack just looking at this.
They are miles down, and that map shows blue, clear, blue water.
The water is as thick and black as coffee and muddy and moving.
There's motion there.
It's not just still waters that you could easily navigate.
It's muddy, moving water.
I think they're going to run out of oxygen.
So the answer with these boys, some idiot coach took them on a cave spelunking trip.
Hey, 12-year-old boys, you want to go spelunking through caves during rainy season?
So they did.
They're stuck there.
They're something like three miles down.
And the only options are wait till the end of the summer, early winter, October, for the water levels to go down.
Oh, good.
You got footage?
What's that?
People waiting outside.
Oh, they have footage of them in there.
How many of you?
13.
Brilliant.
Yeah, yeah.
They've been drinking water that drips down the cave, so they're not dehydrated, but they're starved.
And they brought them food.
No, it's not today.
It's interesting you hear white men, huh?
These evil white men.
Dr. Scooby divers who flew there to rescue them.
toxic masculinity.
What are the Thai divers?
Anyway, so they've got a rope system where they bring them food and stuff, but the options are wait till October or teach them all individually how to be master scuba divers.
Because you're not just a scuba diver, you're not just going like in a lagoon to look at exotic fish.
You're going into a coffee flood.
So you have to be an expert.
You can't panic too.
You can't panic.
It probably takes an hour of just.
And I scuba dive.
I have my license.
Dude, it's petrifying.
I wrote about this in my book.
It's like going to another planet.
Like I went down there.
I was 30 feet below.
And you can't go, holy shit, this is so freaky.
I'm panicking.
You have to breathe like Darth Vader as like a turtle comes by and goes, what's going on, Joe?
I thought I could take pictures.
I was freaking out too much to take pictures because there'd just be like a fish going, hi, I'm a fish you've never seen before.
What's up?
As you fly in outer space, then you look up and because it's so clear, this is in Mexico, I could see people two miles away, a mile away, also scuba diving, just floating.
It was like going to outer space just like that.
And I freaked out.
Now imagine being an 11-year-old little soccer kid and going through an hour of just pure, pure darkness.
Thank God we live in the US of A. Speaking of which, let's end the show, the July 4th Super Party Show, the Pro Independence Day weekend show, with just a random gem.
Some hilarious dude who was randomly just discovered at a game.
This guy doesn't do stand-up comedy.
He doesn't write funny movies.
He just makes all his friends and family laugh their heads off and has zero respect for the media.
Check it out.
But they get alone time, and I get a chance to be in Omaha.
Terry Powell.
I'm just going to let that sink in.
Now, I don't want to ruin his joke, but on the off chance you didn't totally grasp how unbelievably hilarious that was.
He said, the sacrifices we made to get here are amazing.
My wife's boyfriend sold his prosthetic leg so I could come here.
And he said, they get some alone time.
So her and her boyfriend who now has a stub and I get to come to Omaha and see the game.
I mean, he just barfed that out without hesitation.
The media fell for it.
My boyfriend saw this prosthetic leg.
I'm getting a tattoo of that guy.
And when I die, you can cut it off and frame it.
Who is this man?
We have to find This man, sir, you are hilarious.
You are so cool.
You sum up the American spirit, which is you're not better than me.
I don't revere you, person with a microphone.
I don't hand over my liberty to strangers and say, Go ahead, government, you handle it.
You seem to know more than I. No, you don't know more than I. You can't run my life.
Hey, media class.
Hey, government class.
You want to dictate how to run our worlds?
Get off my lawn.
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