Get Off My Lawn Podcast #64 | I had farts last night that could have ended my marriage
This ep is all farts all the time as I delve into how bad flatulence can effect how your wife feels about you. Being Scottish and also a severe alcoholic means I have a weak stomach that is constantly being abused. That leads to toots that are so severe, I’ve often had people in public assume there was some kind of chemical spill (not in Glasgow, of course, they know what time it is there because they have the same problems). I make a few small tangents about not being vulnerable around your significant other but this ep is almost fanatical in it’s dedication to fart talk. Actually, if it was a talk show it would be called Fart Talk with Gavin McInnes.
I had farts last night that could have ruined my marriage.
You have to understand, with marriage, it's not over as soon as she says, I do.
You can't just become a fat pig and start farting and walking around nude, although I walk around nude, which the kids don't seem to appreciate very much.
Fuck that.
It's my body.
I'm not ashamed of my body.
And I sleep nude.
I don't understand people who sleep in clothes.
Don't you want your butthole to breathe?
I gotta air out my sack.
The idea of constantly, like my wife, she goes, when she goes to bed it looks like she's going on an arctic expedition.
She has like ten layers on.
And people with, even pajamas, they're so hot!
I like nude as a jaybird, you crawl in there, you got fresh sheets, and you slither in there like a little snake.
Just had a shower.
Get in there with the fresh crispy sheets, a nice crisp duvet.
I adapted to the French ways when I lived in Quebec for 10 years.
And I like a duvet, nothing else.
I don't get sheets.
Sheets are stupid.
If you're cold, you put on the duvet.
If you're hot, you just take it off and just let those parts air.
Your anal lips need to breathe.
But sometimes they breathe toxic fumes, and that's what was going on last night.
The Scots, our stomachs are designed to eat a potato a week, maybe some roots.
And a broth.
The old way it was in Scotland, and this was how my stomach developed over centuries, was you'd have a fire in your little cave hut, wood thatch thing, and anytime anyone found something edible, which was very rare in Scotland, it's just moors and rocks, maybe a rabbit, and maybe a goat, maybe some thistles, and nothing else.
And rain.
So, you'd find something edible and you'd just throw it in the pot.
So that pot, that stew, would be going for your entire life.
And so, the thing I don't get about that is, wasn't there like a piece of meat bubbling down there that was there for like three years?
That was hard, maybe there was a ding in the pot and it was hard to get to with the ladle?
Oh, I just ate a piece of beef from the early 80s.
So what that developed was weak stomachs and then we come here to America where there's tons of Mexicans who can handle the most diarrhea-y water on earth and they have these iron stomachs and they like actually torturing themselves with spices and jalapenos and I kind of like it too because I'm an alcoholic and I'm used to poisoning myself with rotten corn called Maker's Mark or rotten rice called Budweiser.
Yeah, sorry guys.
I know there's wheat on the can, but it's rice beer.
You're drinking basically sake when you have Budweiser, and I love it.
So I like spicy food, but my body, it can't handle much more than salt and vinegar chips.
So, as it struggles to digest the rotten corn and the jalapenos, smells come out of there that are so bad, They're interesting.
I once farted in a taxi with my wife and a driver.
Obviously with a driver.
We were just coasting.
Actually, he probably did want to get out when he smelled my fart.
But I had a fart so bad in a taxi once, my wife said to the driver, I'm not lying, she said, do you smell that?
And he said, yes, we are in an industrial area and there are many factories around here.
They do much manufacturing.
Could be plastics.
Like, it was so bad that it didn't occur to either of them that a human had made that smell.
They assumed it was several million dollars of machinery and chemicals and mining and processes like melting plastic and oils and carcinogens that you need a gas mask to go near.
They assumed that I had industrial waste in my ass.
That's not the first time too I've confused people with my farts.
I was about, uh, I think I was about 19 and I had just been to Europe on like a punk rock squatting tour, staying at squats and stuff for months and months.
And I came back and I had to go tree planting up in Northern Canada the next day.
And I hadn't seen my girlfriend who I lived with.
We were very close, but she had to leave early.
She was in Europe for a while.
Um, and I really wanted to see her to bang her before I had to go away for another two months.
And I only had one day with her.
She cried when this happened, by the way.
Stephanie Chabot.
She's an artist now.
And my mom's friend, who was living in London, I stayed at her house the last night on my way back, showered, and finally got to eat food and stuff.
And she said, Oh, I'll drive you.
I'll drive you to the airport.
Well, I'll drive you to the train, and you get to the airport.
And I'm a little kid.
I don't realize that to take the subway to Heathrow, give yourself like three hours, basically.
At least.
I gave myself no time, and so did this woman.
Moira was her name.
And, uh, she dropped me off there and I, you know, you realize as you see the stops and how long it takes you to go from stop to stop.
Well, that was four minutes.
My flight's in an hour.
I'm supposed to be there at least an hour early.
This is not looking good for Gav.
And Scotsmen, when we get nervous, we fart.
If you ever try to fight me or you break into my house, I think before my gun blows your head off, you will die of toxic fumes.
Because adrenaline, it gets my heart pounding and I start farting terrible, acidic, acrid toots.
Actually, acrid toots are playing at Mercury Lounge on Thursday if you guys want to go.
I know the bassist.
So I'm sitting there and I'm sort of rocking back and forth.
I remember there was this Nazi skinhead named Wolf who had a rapier in his cane.
He's in my book.
But I remember this girl Krista Sanregret.
She was a part native and she was my ex-girlfriend.
She dumped me for a Nazi skinhead.
I know, weird.
And so she was hanging out with them and she called me once.
She ended up dating black dudes after this, maybe as penance.
But she called me and she goes, yeah, Wolf knows that you have Dr. Martens.
You weren't allowed to have Doc Marten boots.
That was a rule with the skinheads.
Wolf found out you have Doc Martens and he's gonna, don't wear them tonight to the MDC show or he's gonna beat you up and take them.
And I went, oh, okay.
Thanks, Krista.
Hung up the phone, went to my room, sat on my bed and just like imagine an air conditioner pushing out mustard gas.
That was what my ass was doing.
I just farted.
I just, I, we had to throw the mattress out basically.
It was illegal.
It was a war crime.
It was a weapon of mass destruction.
And that was just knowing that a skinhead was going to kill me.
That's like 1986 I'm talking about.
That's how old I am.
So you, you people talk about Nazis all the time.
I've been fighting these people for a well over a quarter of a century.
Almost half a century at this point.
Any hizzle.
I'm sitting on the London train and I'm bobbing back and forth and I'm realizing it's not like, you know, international flights, especially back then in the 89, it's not like they went, oh, don't worry about it, dude.
We'll get you in the one in 10 minutes.
I knew it was going to have to be a 24 hour stay and I was missing and I'm not going to see my girlfriend.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Probably going to dump me.
And so I start letting out my classic farts.
And you know the ones that burn your anal lips when they come out?
Like you almost want to sit on some ice to have them.
They're just lava when they come out.
So this was a lava toot.
And I felt it burning my lips on the way out.
And it stank up the whole car.
I didn't give a shit about these people.
They can all fucking die.
I'm missing my plane.
There's no shame now.
I'm not like, oops, sorry!
My stomach's upset!
Uh, so I'm letting out this gas and this couple comes on and they go, oh my fucking god!
Do you smell that?
And instead of them looking at me and going, uh, are you alright mate?
What are you doing?
I, um, I'm just sitting there staring at the ground.
And then, just like my wife and the taxi cab driver, they start conjecturing.
They're pontificating, wondering what this could possibly be.
And they have interesting theories.
And this is, I'm remembering this from 1989.
I remember the guy going, oh no, it could be.
You know, what happens is these rats, they get up in the tube, right?
And they get up in the car, in the actual mechanics of the actual car.
And then they die in there.
They get electrocuted or something.
And then the rat meat, it rots, right?
So what you're smelling is a decomposing rat.
And she's like, oh my god, that's disgusting.
And they're both, yeah, no, it's horrible.
And I'm like, no, that decomposing rat is my bowels.
You're smelling my... I feel like my wife could sue me.
I mean, say you married someone, and they seemed nice, and then you found out that they were, you know, the head of the American Nazi Party, or they were a pedophile, or they put kittens in microwaves to get off.
Couldn't you have a case where you go, this was fraud?
I married you under false pretenses.
I feel like my wife could say, I married you under the understanding that you didn't have a dead rat factory in your asshole.
And you do.
I'm suing you.
I don't want to give her any ideas.
It's gonna be embarrassing in court when she files for divorce and a huge part of the trial is my toots.
Alright, let's bring it to the next subject.
Mr. McInnes's unfathomable toots we have here.
There's probably a scientific way you can gauge smells.
This is the average flatulence.
This is Mr. McInnes's.
You can see from the green line here that it is 17 times more deadly.
You know, like they have with hot peppers.
The, uh, Bhut Jolokia pepper has whatever it is, like 17 kilobytes.
I forget the exact term, but, uh.
I have a lot of kilobytes.
I remember the only time someone caught me was I was going to see Stiff Little Fingers in Scotland, and I had an extra ticket.
And the guy, my cousin, didn't show up.
This is in Glasgow.
Lots of Nazi skinheads, by the way, came to that show.
This is again in the late 80s.
And I remember thinking, I never see these skinheads or punks in Glasgow, and here they all are.
Anyway, I was naive.
I must have been 16 years old at this point.
And, um, I had an umbrella under my arm.
Now, those of you familiar with Scotland and Glasgow are aware of what a Klansman uniform, an umbrella is.
David Paho from the band Tortoise, he was walking around Glasgow once.
He told me about this when they were on tour and, uh, he was raining out.
So he said to his host, do you have any rain gear?
And they sort of went, All right.
That's unusual, but I think I might have some from camping days.
So they find him a yellow raincoat with a little yellow rain hat, you know, the little hat with the part on the back that makes the rain not go down your neck.
And he heads out on his merry way with his little rain suit.
And he notices that like Bruce Willis in Die Hard, when he has to wear a billboard that says the N word on it or something, uh, people are like coming out of bars and staring at him and they're punching their fists.
They're punching their open hand.
And he's sort of looking behind him for the dead baby on his back, or he doesn't understand why everyone is sneering at him.
And he eventually realizes, oh, it's my rain gear.
You see in Glasgow, wearing a raincoat or a rain hat or an umbrella, despite the fact that it pours every single day, or maybe because it pours every single day is the worst thing you could do.
Literally worse than a Klansman uniform.
If you wore a Klansman uniform in Glasgow, people would think you're funny and go, you got some balls, mate.
That's ridiculous.
Where'd you get that?
But wearing an umbrella.
I mean, it's unthinkable.
And so Pajo eventually goes to a gas station.
He goes, uh, can I use your phone?
And the guy goes, no.
One, one, uh, common refrain, the most gentle it gets in Glasgow is they go, it's just water.
It's just water.
So the guy goes, no, absolutely not.
So he takes off his rain hat and his raincoat and he crumples them up and he puts them in the garbage.
of the gas station.
And he goes, now can I use your phone?
And he goes, all right.
And then David calls the host and goes, you guys have to come pick me up.
I can't walk through this thunderstorm, and I can't wear this rain gear.
I'm going to get killed.
So anyway, I go to see Stiff Little Fingers, and I get, I'm like, I have a ticket for sale.
No, I didn't say that.
I never use my American accent in Scotland.
Oh, where do you fee?
Oh, aye.
They all say the same thing, too.
It's so pedantic.
They go, oh, see my cousin?
He was down in Times Square a couple years ago.
Uh, I don't give a fuck, dude.
Why would I care that you're related to someone that went to one of the biggest tourist attractions?
Oh, really?
What's his name?
Did he like it?
Did he enjoy New York, by the way?
Oh, you're from New York?
I got a cousin in Ohio.
That's nice.
I don't care if he lives or dies.
So I always do a Scottish accent there, just to grease the wheels.
And I go, uh, and I get surrounded by 12-year-olds, 13-year-olds, like, honestly, about 15 of them, like a little roaming pack of pickpocketers, a bunch of miscreants, a bunch of ne'er-do-well orphans, newsies, if you will.
So they surround me and go, And I go, all right, it's 13 pound.
And I bought it for like 15.
And they go, how about 10 pound?
And I go, you know what?
This is not going to work.
I'd rather just not pay.
I don't want to get ripped off.
I can't remember why I was negotiating so hard, by the way, because it was an extra ticket, so you'd think I'd just give it up.
I'm forgetting those details.
And I go, if you said £12.99, I'd say no.
Because I'm a cheap ass, I guess, is the answer to the question.
And Scottish people are cheap too, so we're not fun to negotiate.
I had a Hasidic Jew as a landlord once and he reckoned himself a tightwad and we went toe to toe and he was stunned at what an incredible cheapskate I am and how I was willing to go to court for $3.
I remember him making an audible gasp as I sat there for another four hours of my time, which is worth, you know, a good 400 bucks to argue about $3.
I ended up in a fight with him once where I ripped his windshield wipers off his car because he wouldn't return my security deposit after I discovered that his building was falling apart.
I was on the street screaming, I want my money, gold!
His name was Moshi Gold.
He was a, uh, blinds baron.
You know like blinds in office buildings?
He handles all those for New York City.
And he's very rich and he got into real estate and he didn't know what he was doing.
Anyway, sorry!
Kind of respect him in a weird way.
So I said to these kids, I go, £12.99.
And he goes, all right, all right, 12 quid.
And I go, no, 13 quid.
And he goes, he goes, see, he gives me 15.
And then I give him two.
And then he goes, he goes, and one more for that fucking umbrella under your atom.
And then they all got these like, eyes.
Like a wolf pack that was about to kill.
All their eyes got bigger and I realized, I'm about to have my face clawed off.
So I did give him an extra pound.
So now he got the ticket for 12 pounds.
And it was because of that umbrella.
I didn't realize I was carrying this FU to Glasgow.
I went into the show, watched the skinheads with trepidation and watched the show.
They were good.
But anyway, sorry, all that adrenaline and about to be murdered by a gang of children got my heart pounding.
And as I'm walking into the clubs, surrounded by Nazi skinheads and kids who almost killed me, and I got the old bowels a-churning, and I had a fart in the crowd.
Now, usually that begets a conversation about industrial production or dead rats in subways, but not in Glasgow.
They're familiar with this.
And this one guy turns to me and he looks up at me and he goes, Did you shit?
Caught red handed.
You got me.
I remember one time with my wife, I went to see the Stranglers at Glasgow University.
Awesome band.
I think there's two Stranglers now.
There's one that's the Stranglers that's the whole band, but without the main guy, the keyboard singer.
And then there's the keyboard singer who's got another band and it's like Stranglers one, Stranglers two.
The English beat do that too.
But they're considered punk despite being having a lot of pop hits and There was this big fat guy in front of me in the lineup not uncommon in Glasgow now that they have fried chicken not uncommon in Britain now that they have fried chicken and I They're giving us Glasgow's violence.
They obviously can't give you anything glass or it'll end up in someone's eye socket.
So they give us these plastic cups, but the plastic cups aren't the good quality red solo cup.
They're these flimsy, almost like a condom where you just touch it and it, it bends in your hand.
So if it almost like when you go to pick it up, you, you have to, it's like a sock that plastic is so thin and you touch it and it spills over the edges.
You have to be very delicate, sort of hold it at the rim and drink it like a wine glass.
So you can only order one at a time.
And this guy's like, six pints, please.
Six pints of Tennant's Lager, if you will.
No, it wasn't a Tennant's.
Tennant's a woman's pint.
Six pints of McEwen's Lager.
Okay.
So he orders six pints of these condom glasses.
These thin, thin, thin plastic glasses.
And I'm thinking, how the fuck are you going to carry them?
The sheer...
Physics of it, like to hold the edges of these six, three on each side, to hold them up is going to make them spill.
I mean, they're thinner than eggshells.
So he does this amazing trick where as, you know, she's finishing them, he pounds two down.
Now it's four.
Then he dips his fingers down onto the rims.
Like imagine if a goose was to pick it up with his beak, he pinches both things down and then He takes a third finger and he separates them, so he now has three, using three fingers pinching down, and one, and he walks away, and then he chugs his third, and then he keeps watching, walking, he chugs his fourth, and now he has one in each hand.
That's easy.
And I keep an eye on him, because by the time I'm done my order, which by the way, call me a pussy, but it was only one pint for me, one pint for my wife, by the time he's done his order, he's, I'm done my order, sorry, he's already walked away, and he's sort of strutting now, big fat Glaswegian pig, And he said, I don't know why this sticks with me and I've never forgotten it.
He finishes the last one, squeezes it, crumples it, throws it away, and he goes, SEX PISTOLS!
WE DON'T CARE!
He was like my age.
He was 40.
I was 40 at the time.
Or maybe I was younger.
30-something.
And he wasn't punk.
He was an old man, right?
He was bald.
Black t-shirt on, black pants, black shoes.
SEX PISTOLS!
WE DON'T CARE!
Anyway.
I have learned that a good secret to marriage is to have separate bathrooms.
Every time you fart around your wife, a blowjob loses its wings.
And if she's asleep, it's safe, right?
You can let some go, but don't make them loud.
Sometimes I find it's prudent to reach down between your butt cheeks, get your fingers right on your anal lips.
Like say they were human lips where you'd get herpes right on the edge.
Put your fingers there, your fingernails, then open up your anus as much as you can until it looks like a baby yawning, right?
And then your fart will just come out.
And that's not going to wake her up, what the gas is.
And that's the beauty of a duvet.
You just hold it down and you think the fart particles will just be absorbed and eventually it'll just die of its own suffocation around my butt in the duvet.
But if she ever is like, and sort of moves, that opens up the gas chambers.
No offense.
And all of a sudden you have air traveling from your butt right up by her face.
And then she's like, Oh my God.
And last night my farts were so intense.
I was genuinely concerned that the actual smell would wake her up.
Right?
I mean, that's possible.
If you were to punch a skunk in the face right next to your wife, it would wake her up.
And we didn't have the duvet.
She's given up on the duvet.
She doesn't get my rationale.
So now we have a sheet because it's summer, right?
A sheet and a thin blanket, which I hate.
But, uh...
The more you move around, the more this stuff travels and it can make it there.
So I'm just sitting there with these farts that are... I know you're like, yeah, whatever, Gav.
I'm sure you have some stinky farts.
No, no.
I've given you examples.
They are inhumanly bad.
One time my dad, and they come from my father, by the way.
I have my father's farts.
My dad, in his place in Ottawa, the bathroom's right off the living room for some reason.
And he was in there having his torturous diarrhea.
And, uh, it starts coming out the bottom of the door and into the living room.
And he's had a bad stomach his whole life.
He likes fucking oysters and clams and shit, which is retarded when you have a weak stomach.
So he's always getting chronic diarrhea from his stupid shellfish.
Don't eat from the sea at all.
It's the- it's a toilet.
It's a fish toilet.
Don't eat any fish.
They're stupid and gross.
They're a genetic accident.
We have meat.
It's called cows.
I don't even like chicken.
Chicken to me- you know that cinnamon challenge?
Where you eat a tablespoon of cinnamon and then you can't breathe?
I find that with chicken.
You chew on it, it turns into this like thick paste, then it gets stuck in your throat.
And you have to chug a beer to get the chicken down your gullet.
No thanks.
Shredded beef is where it's at.
Or steaks.
It's all good.
All cows are good.
But he's in there and he's dying, right?
Suffocating, and I've been there.
You know, just like your stomach, the bile that comes out, the stomach acid.
You could burn a hole through a plank of wood.
And, uh, I go, Jesus, Dad!
What is this, World War II?
And my mom's giggling, and I make some other jokes about terrible smells.
And, uh, I can hear him.
All of a sudden, he just snaps in from the bathroom.
I hear, OF A FUCK'S SAKE, SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
Because people don't like it when you scream, well not scream, but when you make jokes about their suffering.
It's like making fun of someone drowning.
They're very sensitive.
One time he was in Egypt, which is all just diarrhea.
By the way, if you go anywhere in the world, Central America, anywhere, bring a flask, procure whiskey, and every time you sip anything that's not alcoholic, I don't care if it's fucking milk, have a tiny swig of, from the flask.
This is not a crazy idea.
This has been a tried, tested, true thing, especially if you're young, you're traveling around Mexico or Central America, or even Costa Rica, which has the best water in Central America.
Just bring the flask, and every time you sip something, have, don't get drunk, just the tiniest little sip to swish it around to kill the bacteria.
And it works.
So he's in Egypt, and of course he's chronic diarrhea, and he goes, "I'm no feeling too well, Guys, I'm going to be right back.
He goes to the bathroom.
The next day they're having breakfast and my dad shows up and sits down next to them and they go, what's going on, James?
You said I'll be right back.
We sat at the bar for the rest of the night.
You didn't show up.
You know, you could have told us you were going to bed.
And my dad said, I wasn't lying.
This is me right back the new.
He had spent the past nine hours in the toilet taking cat naps by leaning his forehead on the toilet paper roll and had just had explosive diarrhea from when he said, I'll be right back to the next day at breakfast.
That's the Scottish stomach in a nutshell.
I know you think we're going to end on that, but we're not.
Yeah, so you need to keep farts away from your wife.
You need to keep a separate bathroom.
Like, every time you destroy the bathroom and then your wife walks in there and smells it, that's like her just 0.00001% less attracted to you.
But those are cumulative.
Cumulative.
I always have trouble with that word.
And it adds up.
So have your diarrhea on your own time.
I have my own bathroom in my office.
By my library.
In my little reading nook.
And that place is set up, dude.
It is the shit zone.
I have a squatty potty in there.
Sometimes I'll take off my entire pants.
Because the problem with the next part I'm telling you is, uh, there can be some accidents with the jet.
Now, the second part, besides my squatty potty, which I highly recommend, ...is a Biffy.
Go to B-I-F-F-Y dot com.
Free sponsorship.
Sorry, We The People holsters.
I'm ready for the read.
Sorry, WeThePeopleHolsters.com.
I am promoting- I'm having an affair.
Biffy.com.
They're 80 bucks, it connects to your tank, and what it does is it blasts freezing cold water on your butthole.
Which, I cannot recommend enough if you're an alcoholic, because, you know, you're- you're pooing out bile and- and that fluorescent yellow stuff, I don't even know what that is.
But it burns your anal lips as it comes out, and the next thing you know, your whole anus is distended like an elephant's trunk, just hanging out of your body like you're some sort of 42-year-old porn star.
And the freezing cold water, you can control the jet, too.
It can just be a little sprinkle, or it can be a fire hose.
Sometimes, if you relax enough, it can go right up in there, clean out everything.
Bring out some lettuce from the 1940s.
Sometimes if you really relax, you get to the baby yawning level, you can blast water up in there.
You look down the bowl and it looks like Jaws' stomach.
There's a license plate down there, a report card from kindergarten, some two pygmy shrews fighting over a beet.
Red hair, some gingers, barbershop floor stuff.
You don't even know what's going on there.
A twist tie, a security guard arguing with his friend, a binder full of women.
But the problem is sometimes the jet will refract.
It'll bounce off the anus and shoot out the gap between the lid, the seat, and the actual lid.
And that's like, that's gross water that, you know, could hit your sock.
But besides that, It is a wonderful setup and mandatory, really, for Scottish people.
I hate traveling because I'm not with my Biffy and my Squatty Potty.
And I take care of everything in the morning, but your wife doesn't need to know that.
Your wife cannot smell your farts.
You need to keep trying.
That's sort of... I know this has been a super gross podcast, but the important part here is that you remember That you're always courting your wife.
You should never shit when your wife's brushing your teeth or anything like that.
That's terrible.
And also, don't talk during sex.
Don't joke around during sex.
Don't even call it sex.
Like, don't ever say to your wife, Hey, you wanna fuck?
That's gross.
You're ruining the whole mystique.
You gotta keep the mystique alive.
Like, if you go out on a date with her, wear a collared shirt.
Always be courting her.
Always be trying.
And never tell her, I've said this a million times, but never show her your weaknesses.
Never say, I was so scared on that flight with the turbulence!
You can be scared with turbulence, that's perfectly natural, but while she's freaking out and squeezing your hands so hard it feels like she's gonna break your knuckles, you say to her, honey, calm down.
It's just, hold in your farts, by the way.
Calm down, it's a bus.
We're in the air.
Yes, it's a one prop plane, Cessna, going to the jungles of Costa Rica, but it's just a bus.
They do this flight thousands of times a year.
Meanwhile, you're thinking, and there's plenty of crashes with these things.
But you don't let that out.
And then later on, you can go have explosive diarrhea.
But don't let them know.
And I'll use this analogy again, just in case you're not familiar with it.
My father-in-law was leaving my house upstate and I designed it myself.
So there's some major flaws and one of them is the front porch doesn't get any sun.
It's all about the back porch.
So if snow melts on the front steps, the ice never thaws.
So you end up with inevitably these ice steps.
And so you slip on them.
And my father-in-law comes out and he slips really bad in a really comical way.
Leg up.
It looked like something out of a Charlie Chaplin movie.
Or who's the other guy who pioneered those films, silent films?
Bucky Zenderson?
Whatever the hell his name was.
And he said, he said, Dave, that's loud.
Dave, that's loud.
Um, and, uh, he fell.
He was fine.
And then he said, don't tell his wife and my, my wife.
Don't tell, uh, he said their names.
Um, I thought, that's weird.
And then I thought, yeah, you're right, dude.
There's no reason to tell your significant other when you were vulnerable and clownish.
And here's an analogy I extrapolated from that true story, and I follow religiously.
Say you're running down the street with a chocolate cake, and you trip, and your face goes in the cake, and you look fucking ridiculous, and you have to go get a new cake.
That's a funny story.
Tell your friends, tell your co-workers, do not tell your wife and or girlfriend.
Don't tell her that.
There's no reason.
Like, say you sharted?
That's a funny story.
Check out George Brett on YouTube.
He's got a great video, we showed it on the show, where he goes up to these guys, he doesn't realize he has a hot mic, and he's like, I shit my pants last night.
We went to the Bellagio, had these crab cakes, and I'm coming home, I got an early tea the next morning, and I'm just pinching my ass.
I think we got a problem here.
And I wait, and I wait, I let two lights go by at the traffic, and then I just, I think it's time to go, I take one step, just fucking water.
Water down my pants.
That's a great story, I'm not doing it justice.
But that's a funny story to tell your friends.
Don't tell your wife.
Your wife is... Women are not turned on by vulnerability.
Women are not turned on by sharting.
They're not turned on by you farting.
That's gross.
You're being human.
You don't want to be human.
You want to be a rock.
Your wife wants to know that her children are safe with you.
That's a cave thing.
Oh, we've moved on from then.
No, we haven't actually.
You know, if someone comes up to you at a restaurant and messes with you and you punch him in the face, your wife doesn't go, why are you so violent?
There was no need for that.
She's turned on.
I don't care what she says.
So I'm sort of saying two things here that are slightly different and I shouldn't I shouldn't amalgamate them like that.
There's two separate things here.
One, don't be gross.
Farting around your wife is bad news.
You want to keep those farts to yourself.
Go to another room, maybe.
Fart.
If you're wearing pants, pat your butt.
Like you're saying, good boy.
Pat your butt because the air stays trapped in the space between your anus and your jeans.
And so you want to get that through the holes, the mesh, through the cotton twill.
So give your butt a few pats like, good boy, good boy.
And that'll sort of air it out.
Then give it a wait.
Then wave it out.
And then come back out.
I remember a stand-up comedian, I can't remember what his name is, but he said, uh, he said, I always get uncomfortable when I see people on first dates because I'm just staring at two people holding in their farts.
And that's kind of one of the good things too about, um, about, you know, men's clubs and being alone with the guys or being alone at all.
When you're just sitting alone, you have an unbelievable fart.
You're never grossed out.
You're just like, wow, that's interesting.
That's the most disgusting fart I've ever had.
I wonder if I'm sick.
I wonder if I have a parasite or something.
What did I eat that brought on that unbelievably terrible fart?
I've also noticed with dudes, like when you know them well, they develop the same thing.
Where they go, oh, hey man, that fart's really disgusting.
You usually have ones that bad?
Like you're not grossed out.
John Serino, over at Anthony Cumia's network, Compound Media.
I'd sometimes be working, almost touching shoulder to shoulder with him in the sound booth, working on stuff, editing or whatever.
And I'd have like a crippler.
One of those, I'm hungover and I had a large coffee things.
And I go, can you smell that?
How's that?
And he goes, that's really bad, dude.
Really, really bad.
That's probably the worst part I've ever smelled in my life.
But it was almost like, you know, I showed him a picture of someone who had their head chopped off.
Like, he didn't have any emotions.
He just goes, oh, that's really disgusting, dude.
I wish I hadn't seen that.
Holy shit.
You can see all the veins, and you can see part of his spine.
Yeah.
Don't ever show me anything like that again, please.
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I hear it makes it much more comfortable to carry around.
God damn it, it must be awesome!
To walk around New York City armed.
You must just be thinking, bring it.
Bring it.
Please chase me out of the Red Hen restaurant.
Please yell at my family while I'm going to get a chicken burrito with my dad.
That must be fun.
And I'm not suggesting we kill people.
I'm just saying it must be nice to know that if there's a dangerous situation or a shooter or something, you're equipped.
So these holsters are made in the USA.
They design them themselves.
They have a 3D design team that measures every micro millimeter of the gun for the perfect fit.
And I think I can best summarize their awesome holsters by saying their quote that they told me to say, which I think inspires really not just the quality of the holster, but the kind of people that which I think inspires really not just the quality of the holster, but Fellas, you have to conceal your carry with WeThePeopleHolsters.com.
They are customized in style and fit, including being able to adjust cant and ride.
Believe me, it makes for a tight so fit, you'll leave your wife.
And I think my wife will leave me if I don't get this farting under control.
The question is, not should you fart around your wife, the question is, is it ever possible to fart around your wife?
And I would say the answer to that is yes.
If she went to bed super early, like say 9.30, 10, And you went to bed pretty late for a dad with three kids, so let's say one.
She's in deep REM's.
And as long as you don't have a... Ooh, what did I step on a duck?
Like Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack.
As long as you don't have like a big... One of those morning ones that shake the walls.
You ever notice in the morning too, you'll have to go pee really bad and then you'll have a huge fart and all of a sudden it made room.
And now you don't have to go pee so bad.
It's like your bladder moved into the fart sack.
As long as it's not a loud one, I think you can get away with it.
And especially if you have thick sheets and there's no moving around.
But the whole point of this podcast is to say that you can get to a level of toxicity where the smell alone will wake her up.
And that means you just lost all blowjob rights For another, say, week or two.
Just that one, oh my god, boom, you're dead.
So if you're going to have a doozy and it's going to be skunk levels, I would say get up, go next door...
I'm in the kids bathroom by the way.
I don't use- my wife has a- we have a super fancy bathroom with like a steam shower and two sinks.
I leave that all to her.
She can have both sinks.
I don't want a sink in there.
I'm in the kids bathroom next door and I've been there so long that the kids are like used to smelling the bathroom when I'm in there.
They're- they don't like it.
And also, I've ran out of my toothpaste a long time ago and it's not the kind of thing you can possibly remember.
Oh yeah, I must procure new toothpaste.
It's never on my mind until I'm there.
So I just use their sugary Spongebob blue toothpaste with glitter on it and I've developed a taste for it now.
Now I prefer SpongeBob to Crest.
I prefer that gross sugary taste that it has to encourage kids to brush their teeth.
I prefer that to good quality teeth whitening toothpaste.
Alright, you got it?
So I've told you when to fart, I've told you when it's safe to fart, and I've also told you when it's important not to fart.
I think these are all important life lessons.
Please check out Get Off My Lawn every day, Monday to Thursday.
This week there's only Monday, Tuesday, because we have CRTV tonight!
Now CRTV tonight is my super awesome fun show and I'm very excited to have Kurt Schilling on, the master pitcher.
I think he's definitely one of the top ten pitchers of all time.
The Top 15.
And I did two things with Kurt.
One, I talked about his life.
So Kurt Schelling used to work for ESPN, which is owned by Disney.
He got in big trouble for likening extremist terrorists to MS-13, I believe.
I can't remember.
But he basically pointed out that Islam has a serious problem with extremist terrorism, which is a fact.
He also got in trouble for posting on Facebook a picture of a tranny near a bathroom.
It looked like him in a wig, and it said, if you don't want this person to use the same bathroom as your little kid, your daughter, you're a bigot.
That's funny.
So that had him banned.
And what I thought was interesting about that is there's this show on ESPN called 30 for 30.
And, uh, He was on it, and they were talking about some important pitcher.
Nothing to do with anything political.
They took him out of the documentary because of what he posted on Facebook about trannies.
Because somehow his sports career isn't relevant if he doesn't toe the line when it comes to transsexual behavior.
What?
He's an awesome guy, very conservative dude, right wing.
His tattoo on his forearm is of Jesus being crucified, and Jesus' hand has the puncture, his wrist has the puncture right where Kurt's wrist is.
So I did that talk with him.
I also did another show with him, an extra show we do called After Hours, where we just talked about baseball.
And we talked about his awesome pitching, talked about the Mets, talked about the old days with Nails, Lenny Dykstra, all that cocaine, all those fun days in the 80s.
That's an awesome interview, too.
So we have that on.
We also have Derek Hunter from Daily Caller.
He has a great new book out called Outrage, which is great.
Derek Hunter is a handsome young man on Twitter.
You see him.
The dude is a fucking giant.
He's like 250 pounds, six foot five.
I don't know.
He's almost as big as Curt Schilling.
Giant dude.
And super smart.
I'm definitely going to have him back on the show.
I have Stephanie Hamill from Daily Caller.
She's like a Latina conservative who is always getting in trouble from her fellow Latinos for supporting Trump and going to these immigration rallies and saying, What's your scenario?
How should we handle immigration?
Of course, I never have an answer.
And then the Washington Examiner's Eddie Scarry, who is related to Richard Scarry.
And he is, uh, he's a funny dude, gay dude, who, um, strongly supports the right and family values and is also very hilarious and won't tell me what race he is because he's ethnically ambiguous.
Though I think it's got to be kind of a, one of those Hispanics look almost Asian and it throws you off.
I think he's Hispanic.
I think he's Irish and Mexican and German or something.
Anyway, that's boring.
So that's CRTV Tonight at CRTV.com on Friday, and the show, of course, Get Off My Lawn, is also on the same.
We have a fun July 4th ep.
The CRTV Tonight is a July 4th ep with a monologue about George Washington and beer that we'll probably put on YouTube, but the last episode of Get Off My Lawn, Tuesday's episode, Which is a couple days ago, is also July 4th based, Independence Day, Independence Weekend based, and I think you'll enjoy it.
