Get Off My Lawn Podcast #63 | You just got knocked the f**k out!
After a weekend of rioting, I focus on one particular punch that summarizes the problem with millennial arrogance. Why would you pick a fight with someone who could clearly kick your ass? Because he’s a Nazi? I don’t get that. First of all, he isn’t. Secondly, if he was, aren’t you scared of him? I used to fight Nazi skinheads in the late 80s and I was petrified of every confrontation. They were very scary dudes and they kicked the crap out of us on a regular basis. This somehow segues into the number of women in action movies and how distracting it is to see a super model murder a gang of thieves who rob banks during hurricanes.
That's a song by some band from Long Island who sings like Rage Against the Machine and dances around with rap gestures and talks about Nazis!
Nazis!
They're everywhere now.
You have to watch out.
You know, a lot of the stuff I'm seeing right now is reminiscent of Germany in the 30s!
What a crazy theory, huh?
Here's another crazy theory that people just accept as reasonable.
You got to see it to be it.
So they got a new Barbie doll who's black and she's like a biochemist, technician, welder, genius who makes atoms from scratch.
Uh, wearing her big chemistry glasses.
That's great, man.
No one has a problem with that.
And if someone, if some black girl's a nerd, she'd probably like that a lot better than the Barbie one.
But the free market will handle that.
But the subtext isn't that simple.
The subtext isn't, let's have someone who's paraplegic with red hair have a doll that's like her.
The subtext is much bigger than that.
It's, you have to see it to be, and I've talked to intelligent feminists.
I know that sounds crazy.
Like The Pie Life, the author of The Pie Life, who, this book, The Pie Life, she talks about how women can have it all.
They can have a job and be great moms.
The secret is, And we debated this on my old show TJMS for honestly like two hours.
And we finally came down to the crux of our disagreement.
Her contention is that being a totally awesome mom for one day a week is better than being an okay sort of mom for seven days a week.
Which is just false.
It's sort of like these divorced dads who go, I'm actually, I'm a better dad now that I'm divorced and I only see the kids on Wednesday night and every second weekend.
Cause I, they really get all of me.
No.
A big part of being a parent is being mediocre.
A big part of being a parent is just being there.
So when your son or your daughter has something crazy to say, like, I was bullied and I'm feeling suicidal or, or, uh, you know, I like this boy.
I'm 14 now.
Should I go on a date?
Blah, blah, blah.
I stabbed someone in the park.
I don't know, something over the top.
You happen to be there and you're sitting there with your face behind the paper, but you're there.
You know, my grandmother was telling me she never spoke to her dad.
But he was always there.
He was just behind a newspaper.
That's kinda better than the divorce dad who's totally ready to rock!
Oh my god, my brother told me this insane story.
I'll get back to that, uh, see it to be it thing in a sec, but my brother told me about this dude.
God, it's so embarrassing.
You know that movie Election with Matthew Broderick?
Where the teacher gets caught having sex with his student and they call him on it and he starts crying and he goes, we're in love!
This is like that, but true.
So he's the son of a professor.
No, he's a professor.
Son of a professor.
That's how I heard the story.
And this guy starts fucking his student, as all professors are wont to do, because men are only as loyal as their opportunities, and if hordes and hordes of 21-year-olds hit on you, eventually you're gonna snap.
See, that's the thing about infidelity, too.
Johnny Knoxville cheated on his wife.
What the hell was he supposed to do?
There was a lineup of chicks begging to suck his cock.
You're only human!
I mean, I like to sit on my high horse about infidelity, but they're not exactly kicking down the front door.
You know, when I put a ring on this, there was not a lot of- there was a dry eye in the house, believe it or not.
They were not- a woman were not banging on the stained glass like the- like the graduate going, No!
I want him too!
I was, my stock was going down.
I was selling Bitcoin post-collapse.
And my wife bought cheap.
I sold semi-high.
But anyway, yeah, I think professors are disgusting human beings.
I think teachers tend to be left-wing lunatics who have brainwashed themselves into brainwashing other people.
But, just to play devil's advocate, It can't be easy to be loyal when you're surrounded with horny ladies.
And celebrities go through this.
Plus with celebrities, with actors, you're sitting in a little trailer.
You act, you know, you have to be there for 12 hours.
You got there at 5 in the morning, you know, to get the sunlight.
And you probably act for an hour of those 12 hours.
The rest is just farting around.
And you can't do anything intense like start writing a book, because the second you get into the zone, you're pulled out and you have to go grab a pencil and throw it.
And they just need that with the lighting to get that right.
And then you go back to your trailer.
And so all these guys end up doing is sort of sifting through People magazine, reading the one paragraph stories.
So, you're bored out of your mind, you're gorgeous, if you're in Hollywood, right?
And you're with other gorgeous people, and gorgeous people tend to be dumb, because they don't have to ever try or get into stuff.
So you're dumb, gorgeous, and bored, and lots of people want to blow you.
So you're either going to screw the other female in the movie, or one of these equally bored production assistants, who also want to become actresses, so they want a one-upmanship.
That's another thing we don't talk about with the Me Too, is how many women use their sex as currency on purpose.
One time I was with Shane Smith from Vice days and we were at a hotel and this girl can't buck some young lass and she said Hi, what are you guys doing?
Like we're sitting by the pool.
We had meetings all day today.
It's over and she goes.
Oh, I So what do you guys do?
And I said that we're superheroes.
I said that we're involved in crime fighting.
And I don't mean civilians who dress up as superheroes.
I mean we're actual, real life guys with magical powers.
But we're human.
Also partly.
And it was a dumb joke, but I just basically said we were taking some time out from crime fighting.
I didn't understand what she was doing, and I realized in retrospect, she was offering herself to us.
All we had to say was we're producers, and she would have taken us up there and let us do whatever we want to her.
That's fucked up.
That's sub-prostitute.
At least prostitutes get guaranteed money.
Or someone goes up and beats up the guy.
She, I'm guessing, was gonna do it for nothing.
Anyway, I'm off at a hundred tangents here, but... So this professor dude...
Fucks a student.
And now, if I was a professor, and I was boning students, first of all, you're going to hell.
But secondly, I'd go, well, this can't last.
This is horrible.
But I guess I'm gonna- It's like shoplifting.
Like, this can't be a habit.
This can't go anywhere.
But I am gonna take this one little piece of chapstick and run away.
But he doesn't do that.
He falls in love with her.
Oy vey.
So the mom finds out, and I guess, I'm not privy to this, but I guess when you have kids that are in their 20s and your husband cheats on you, you don't break glasses the way like a Latina 20-year-old would.
You just can take it in stride.
Believe me, I won't be taking it in stride if it comes across my desk.
But I guess these older ladies, you know, they go, look, here's the deal.
Now we're talking about probably like 58 year olds.
Here's the deal.
Our kids are in school now in college.
Call it off now, and never speak to her again, and we will work it out.
It's obviously not gonna be a great week, but we'll eventually learn to piece it together.
You know, when I met you, you weren't a virgin, I can handle that, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I made some mistakes too, maybe, she said.
Or, you can stay with her, and I am going to fucking destroy you.
Obviously, right?
She's got a hell of a case in divorce court.
And he goes, I'm sorry Muriel, we're in love.
Okay, buddy.
It's like, it's like the opening to this show, you got knocked the fuck out.
These little Antifa kids keep picking fights with these enormous war vet bodybuilding patriots and go, what now, bitch?
What you gonna do, bitch?
Like, I have always known my place as far as conflict goes, and I don't pick fight with the pagans.
I don't pick fights with MS-13.
I don't disparage Bloods and Crips.
I don't tell, I don't say anything bad about the Mongols, and I'm not even going to use a hypothetical example of that because I would hate it to be taken out of context.
I don't call Chuck Zito anything negative, and I'm not, again, not going to give you an example.
Chuck Zito once knocked a guy out, that gossip columnist whose name I forget, because the gossip columnist was being featured in New York Magazine and he talked about snitches and then in the next paragraph Chuck Zito's name was mentioned.
So Chuck Zito's name was too close to the word snitch.
So we invited him to Rao's, which is this fancy Italian place.
Actually, let me explain something to you.
There's, I think it's called the Manhattan Club, and there's Rao's.
Mobsters and blue-collar tough guys and drug dealers and stuff are super impressed when they go to the Manhattan Club because it's a very elitist, waspy club that only a bunch of- it looks- everyone there at that club looks like the grumpy Muppets, the bald Muppets.
So it's one of the most elite clubs in Manhattan and mafioso types are fucking thrilled by it.
Conversely, Rao's is the most elite restaurant for the mafia types.
So I'm still trying to get into Rao's just so I can say I've been there.
Basically, Rao's is an okay Italian restaurant with like five tables in it that you have to wait a year to get to.
But what they do is they take that cachet where they probably don't even turn a profit.
And then they make the sauce, the Rao's spaghetti sauce, which is in a factory.
It's like, like a mom I used to make.
Meanwhile, giant cement mixtures of it are being poured into eight million jars a day.
So it's a scam, but it's funny because like bourgeois white guys like me are totally thrilled to go to Rao's and are enamored by the crime of it all.
Meanwhile, like some Goomba's mistress is like, fucking Rao's, fuck it.
That's boring.
I'm there every week, just spaghetti.
But she would poop her pants at the Manhattan Club, whereas white guys like me go to the Manhattan Club and it's just like, oh, I'm meeting my uncle.
Fuck, I'm off on a million tangents here.
This is a real tangential episode.
So... We have to get back to the subject, the professor.
So he says to her, to the wife, I'm sorry Muriel, we're in love.
Okay.
So she just gets her lawyers, loads her machine guns, and just puts them up against the wall.
And I agree with that.
Oh, sorry, that's what I was getting to.
Chuck Zito invited him to Rao's and said, I'm sorry, but I'm too close to the word snitch.
And he goes, I understand.
And then Chuck Zito knocks him out, pushes him on the button, right?
Hits him on the lower chin.
Boom, he's out.
Has his jaw wired shut, has to drink smoothies for the rest of the month.
And that's just the way it goes when you mess with Chuck Zito.
By the way, you need to get his book.
I think it's called Street Justice.
It's so good!
He's like a tough guy.
What are you going to do?
Hell's Angel kind of guy.
But he's a great writer.
Or at least he narrated a great story to a great ghost writer.
Don't kill me for that, Chuck.
It's all about being a biker and being a tough guy and being in Hollywood as an action hero.
He was on Oz for a while.
But he also is really mad at himself in the book for fucking up and spending too much time at the Hells Angels Clubhouse and not enough time with his daughter and his wife.
And he said, I fucked up my marriage that way and I screwed up.
I spent more time with my motorbike than my daughter.
Isn't that awesome?
I love when people are self-critical, especially these youngsters today.
They're so proud of themselves.
Every time they take a shit, they want to fucking put it in a glass case and say, me go poopoo.
So, he picks a fight with her, basically.
And she's a biker in this.
She's Chuck Zito in this situation.
So she goes, alright, fine.
I mean, I gave you a choice.
And so she takes him for everything he's worth.
Takes the house.
I don't think you care about custody of your kids when they're 20, right?
I don't want custody of my kids when they're 20.
I don't want custody of my kids when they're 18 in one day.
I saw some article in Rolling Stone, I forget who the musician was, but it was like fucking, I don't know, Perry Farrell or someone, and it was like, his troubling relationship with his father and how he left home at 17.
Yeah, that's about when you leave home, 17, 18.
And troubling relationship with your father in your teens?
Yeah, that's pretty much the deal.
What are you, a daddy's boy?
Like in that 30 Rock, Tina Fey, or maybe it was Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, where he goes, oh god, I'm a total daddy's boy.
I went on a trip to Alaska, and of course, the second I come home, I'm straight to daddy's house.
Oh god, such a daddy's boy.
Daddy's boy, I love that phrase.
Anyway, yeah, of course you hate your dad.
It's like wolves, right?
In an alpha pack- No, an alpha pack.
In any wolf pack, the main wolf, the alpha wolf, is constantly, every single day, fighting the number two.
And that's so he can- It's sort of like the elections, and eventually he becomes the number one.
The alpha can't fight anymore.
That's what goes on with teenagers and their dads.
They don't get along.
Even my nine-year-old, I can feel some conflict here, and he's got a one-up on me, because he knows a bizarre amount about baseball now.
He can name any World Series winner, he knows all the rules, and there's an infinite number of rules.
So now when I ask him a question, like, what's a, I don't understand, an in-park, home run, he'll sort of look, like, tilt his head down and then look up at me, like, are you serious right now?
So I'm already getting the teenager shit.
From both of my oldest kids, actually.
But that's my job, I don't mind.
I'm the main wolf and I gotta fight every day.
But he took her to the cleaner's so he's got some bullshit fucking apartment.
He's probably at zero, right?
So he's just living off his salary and I'm sure he got a, let's say a $1,500 a month apartment because he has a regular paycheck as a professor.
And he wants his kids to want to come by.
So he made his apartment cool!
So he's a 57-year-old with a kind of a one-bedroom apartment, but the kitchen has a bar, man.
It's got a keg.
You want a bud?
Well, here's a pint of bud, dude.
Yeah, you want to ride a skateboard around the house?
I don't fucking give a shit.
Let me put on some punk.
Let me put on some rap music, and I don't even care if you smoke a joint.
Fucking tip the ashes on the floor.
I'm the cool dad.
Oh my god, what's sadder than that?
Remember, I had a place in upstate New York for a long time, and for whatever reason, my wife, I think she took the kids to her mother's in Madison.
So I was building a play set, which takes a long fucking time.
One of those big huge ones, like with the slide that you go up the stairs.
It took me about four days.
I remember I would just use up my drill battery.
Until it died, and that's usually when the sun was going down, and then just start the next day.
You know, building the stairs and the platform, and then there's the swings section of it.
It just goes on and on and on.
But while I was building it for fun, I pretended that I was divorced, and I was trying to make my house look cool for the kids so they'd like coming here.
Jesus Christ, it felt like I had a sandbag in my chest.
It was the most profoundly sad little game Little improv game I ever played.
You poor bastards out there, you dads who are trying to make your house seem cool for the kids, and they get there all grumpy because they haven't been there in two weeks, and they're starting to like the new boyfriend.
Oh, my God, what if they call him dad?
Oh, they must talk about the dad to you.
Yeah.
Danny has a convertible now.
Dad, it goes like 170 miles an hour.
We were going, you went 170 miles in a car.
Oh yeah.
I'm not supposed to tell you that.
Danny told me not to tell you.
Whoops.
No, it's really fast.
It's called a, um, I think it's called an MG.
Apparently it's like a collector car from Britain.
It's worth a hundred grand.
He's got so much money, dad.
Meanwhile, you're in a one-bedroom apartment and your big splash, your MG, was a beer tap.
Hey kids, drink some beer?
I don't know, people ask me if I could get along with my, if I got divorced, can I get along with my wife's new husband and my ex-wife?
And I go, why would I be friends with two people at the bottom of the East River?
Like, what are we gonna talk about?
I'm gonna put on scuba dive equipment and go down there?
Blub blub blub.
Like, I don't speak blub blub blub.
What am I, a fish?
I'm not gonna talk to them.
Anyway, so.
That song.
By, uh, We Lost Our Way or something.
It was all about how you have to go to the house of alt-right dudes and kill them.
Or knock them out.
Shoot them.
You just got knocked the fuck out.
The punishment fits the crime.
It's the chorus.
Those guys got doxxed for that, by the way, and their big beautiful suburban homes in Long Island were exposed.
But it's a really strange... It's actually a communist mentality.
Right?
That's why Mao killed 60 million people, because they disagree with him.
Although I believe recent studies have pulled it up to 80 million!
Mao is the winner!
Eat your heart out, Hitler.
Eat your heart out, Stalin.
We have a winner.
Although, you could argue with Hitler, he's responsible for more than just the 6 million Jews, he's responsible for all the deaths.
And I believe that brings him up to 100 mil, which kicks Mao's ass.
But then you could also argue that Churchill was responsible for tens of millions of deaths for getting involved.
And then, of course, Stalin would be guilty for the... I think the Russian deaths were like 60 million?
Two-thirds of the deaths of the entire war were Russian?
I'm not sure about that.
Don't quote me on that.
But anyway.
I disagree with the alt-right, obviously.
Most people do.
I'd say 99.99999999999999999999.
It's an in, it's a, the margin of error on any study is smaller than the actual number.
Bonafide alt-right dudes who think that America should be all white are probably about, geez, that's a tough one.
Like racists, bonafide racists, I'd say there's 3,000.
But people who are optimistic, like Richard Spencer, about America becoming 100% white, I'm gonna say that's like 1,300 people.
And as Derek Hunter pointed out recently, The woman's NBA, a good turnout for them is about 7,000.
When the KKK was at its peak, they had 7,000 members.
But we're going back now to 1920s, 1930s when the American population was very small.
So you take the peak of the KKK, And then today, with our huge population, right?
What is it, 400 million?
Our huge pop- I always get that wrong.
Let me just check the American population here.
You take our huge population today, and you look at that, and it's only 7,000.
- Increasingly 7,000.
So I'm not, 320 million.
So infinitesimally small people watch women's basketball and that number's the same as the KKK at its peak.
So, basically, we're not talking about a thing.
It's irrelevant.
But we keep hearing about it, and this song is all about that.
And the reason I brought it up, because it's been in my head all day, as Monday Night's GOML pointed out, we had tons of riots this weekend, tons of fights, tons of brawls.
And 99% of them were families belong together.
And this was America mad at Trump for separating kids from their families.
Which was Clinton's law, and all Trump was doing was enforce it, which is what he said he would do, and then he erased the law and changed it, so now he's the guy who removed Clinton's law about separating people from their families.
But to both Clinton and Trump, I say, what were you supposed to do?
Like, if you get a Coke dealer, are you not separating him from his family?
And if that Coke dealer is traveling, what do you do?
Like say the coke dealer was from Miami and you catch him with his kids and he's dealing coke in Seattle.
What do you do?
Surely you have to put the kids in a holding thing somewhere while you figure out what the hell or how they're going to get back.
And then they're saying now, um, well now the, these people are being forced to pay hundreds of dollars, thousands in travel fare to go get their kids.
Well, yeah, that's what would happen if you're a traveling criminal.
No, but I'm saying that you shouldn't be illegal.
There's no such thing as an illegal person.
Oh, okay.
And I want to abolish ICE.
Oh, I'm sorry.
So there's no more borders?
If you don't have border enforcement, there's no more borders.
And we'd be the only country, I believe Somalia is the only other country that we would, and we'd be in there.
So right now, I believe Somalia is the only country in the world without borders.
Now I'm sure there's other shitholes where they don't really care if you cross the border, but I know my buddy crossed the border in Eastern Europe back in the early 90s when we were traveling around Europe squatting, and he got in big shit, and that was some fucking hellhole.
Eastern Germany.
No, it wasn't even Eastern Germany.
It was like Czechoslovakia.
That's what it was.
It was Czechoslovakia.
And I can't remember if Stalin was still in control then, but he will have just left.
It was 1992.
So now Somalia and us are the only two countries in the world without borders.
Okay, well you realize now we're going to have a flood of immigrants to the tune of millions and millions and millions.
Like a hundred million.
Is that what you want?
It's sort of like in this outside of Chicago where they go, we don't want the cops anymore.
And you go, okay, you're going to start dying.
Good.
I want to die.
Okay.
And now we're up to two murders a day.
Weekend battles in Chicago where it's 38.
I was talking to a war vet from Uh, Afghanistan.
And I said, a battle where 38 people get shot, that would be a doozy, right?
And he goes, oh Jesus, it would be in books.
It'd be like the Battle of Karak Nadar.
Like it would be a thing.
You'd study it in history class.
It'd be a major battle.
38 shot?
That's a slaughter.
And that's just also called a weekend in the south side of Chicago.
Anyway, so most of the rallies were about the kids and the immigrants and I don't care about that stuff.
I think it's just optics.
You might as well say Trump is hurting puppies and have a bunch of pictures of sad puppies, you know.
We got way more children in foster care.
We got children without parents here in America.
We got like three million fatherless children.
Three million kids without parents in America.
We have something like half a million kids in foster care right now.
So the fact that some illegals who are allegedly the children of these parents, and a lot of these kids are just used as passports.
Hey, I'm going to pretend I'm your father so I can get across because we've been getting away with it in the past.
So a lot of them are just used as fake kids.
Uh, the fact that there's been some horrible inconveniences there, and these kids are kept in very good conditions, not cages, unlike Obama.
And Obama separated a lot more kids from his parents.
90,000, I believe?
So the fact that all that is going on means, I'm not falling for your shit.
And I'm not falling for the sad kid and the crying little girl on the cover of Time who hadn't been separated from her parents, for the record.
You know what I mean?
Blah blah blah blah blah.
It's all tricks.
And it works on- tricks work on chicks.
Chicks vote based on their emotions, mostly.
They're more emotional voters.
So if your numbers are dwindling, and they are, there's this whole new hashtag with the left, walk away, where they're encouraging them to leave the party.
It's working.
So they go, we gotta pull out the big guns here.
Throw some sad kids in the mix.
And I've noticed this, by the way, with fucking movies.
Please, movies.
Please.
Stop.
Murdering children even good movies like that movie about the Wild West that's out now Just came out like a couple months ago.
I forget what it's called, but it's a really accurate depiction of Indian cowboys and Indians, and I think Christian Bale's in it and The Indians are not portrayed as saints.
There's bad Indians and good Indians and same with the whites There's bad whites and good whites, and they show slaughter on both sides.
It's very That's a very fair treatment of the Wild West.
But, of course, at the beginning, they gotta murder a fucking bunch of kids to pull us into it.
And I can't... These are my two pet peeves with movies these days.
One, stop murdering a kid in the first minute to get me into it.
Like Manchester by the Sea, the whole movie was dead kids.
Or even Stranger Things.
It starts out, I wanna pull you in, uh, a kid is gone.
Kid might be dead.
Oh, for fuck's sakes.
Even last night, I decided to try to finally watch that movie Bright.
Larry!
even though I'm told it's the worst movie ever.
As usual, it's really good.
Like Death Wish got bad reviews and I realized later, oh, it's 'cause it's good.
And you don't like that a guy's being a vigilante and cleaning up the South Side of Chicago.
Or Kirby Enthusiasm, the last season, got terrible reviews.
Oh, his shtick is tired, we're over it.
I thought, oh great, did he finally ruin it?
Larry, Larry!
And then I pressed play.
The best season ever.
And you realize, oh, it's because there's a jihad out on him in the movie.
I mean, in the last series.
So you see that as Islamophobic.
Sometimes movies get bad reviews when they're already PC, but the critic is so left-wing that they're not satisfied.
Like the new Incredibles, some feminist at the Post gave it a terrible grade because she said the dad wasn't in tune enough with his family.
He didn't seem to know enough about parenting.
And he had a very old-fashioned view of parenting, like he wasn't good at changing diapers and stuff.
But then my family went to see it, I didn't go with them, and they told me the dad's a stay-at-home dad in it.
So we strip the father of his career, the mom becomes a breadwinner, and the feminists go, sorry, not good enough.
I need him to be in drag, and to take it up the butt.
Up the cartoon butt.
Yeah, I'm watching Bright.
They want to pull us into it, so they have the elves kill a fucking Mexican's baby at the beginning.
Just to tug at our heartstrings.
Stop.
Just write a good story.
Make characters that have depth.
Show me some ups and downs with them.
Show me them handle a situation that involves conflict, and then I'll like the character, and then I'll want the character to live, and I'll care what happens to them.
You don't have to go shoot a fucking two-year-old in the head.
At the beginning of your movie, to make me cry so I all of a sudden care.
Jesus Christ, it's like the crack cocaine of plot lines.
So that's my one pet peeve.
My second pet peeve is the fucking broads.
Look, I know there are some tough chicks.
I've met exactly three in my life who are good fighters and want to throw down and can handle they selves in a situation.
None of them are cops, by the way.
The cops in New York, the female cops, actually the female cops everywhere, are just large bottomed ladies, usually Hispanic, who could not beat up a fly.
And I think it puts men in jeopardy.
There's some Australian documentary coming out about the Proud Boys and in it they go, they couldn't give us one reason why this sort of anti-male culture hurts men.
I'm like, you didn't ask me.
I'll give you 1,000 from children being medicated for being too boisterous as young boys in school To kids getting sent home for going pew pew with a Pop-Tart.
To men having to apologize in college every time they open their mouths and say, I'm a white male, but I come from a place of privilege, but then explaining it.
To the brutal custody men get, the terrible custody men get in divorce.
Now, that's not whining, that's just stating a fact.
I'm still gonna win.
It's like the war on Christmas.
There is a war on Christmas.
Christmas is still gonna win.
Women get raped more than women by every metric men have it worse.
And all they do is get shat on for it.
Now, that's not whining.
That's just stating a fact.
I'm still going to win.
It's like the war on Christmas.
There is a war on Christmas.
Christmas is still going to win.
That doesn't mean there's not a war on it.
You know?
Like if, if everywhere you went, little kids punched at you and screamed at you and threw bottles at you, if, you know, they're all under ten, you're gonna be fine.
But it's still, you're gonna acknowledge, hey, everywhere I go, nine-year-olds try to kill me.
I'm still gonna beat them all up, and I'm not scared of them.
I'll just knock the knife out of their little hands.
But it's still a thing.
That's what the left doesn't get.
They say you can't be winning and still Be victimized.
You can be victimized and not be a victim, is what I'm screaming.
Anyway, so my second pet peeve is chicks in movies, action movies.
I've been watching a lot of action movies, because I go to DC a lot, and I don't want the guy on the train next to me seeing me watch some Harry Met Sally romance, because that's private, especially if there's going to be a sex scene.
The idea of me sitting watching a sex scene with a stranger next to me, God forbid it's a woman, is just unthinkable.
So, I just do action.
That's nice, and every time you look over and see what I'm seeing, you're just seeing someone do a roundhouse kick.
One of them is the mulatto from Dear White People.
It's an array of badass bitches going into, through a wall that's another dimension.
And fighting interplanetary magic things.
Like the Wizard of Oz meets a horror- meets alien.
So they're shooting a crocodile who's magic and he's got 17 mouths and they're slaying into him with their M16s.
They're doing backflips and all this crap.
Is someone calling me?
Um, just text me if you want to.
My home is so big that my wife and I text each other.
Where are you?
Um, and they got these M16s slung over their shoulder.
They're all women.
Half, half of them are black.
Always light-skinned blacks like the Cosby Show cast.
And fucking, what's her name?
Uh, the skinny chick who's Israeli, who's super hot, who's a little tiny, uh... The movie's Annihilation.
You look it up.
And she's out there Women can't even do machine gun sounds, and they're using machine guns in this movie.
So that's stupid to watch and dumb.
And there's a way to do that, by the way.
Like with Ghostbusters 2, make them puke with fear.
Or make them go, I'm in over my head, or I guess I can do it.
You know, the way women normally act.
Women make you get a spider out of the bathtub.
They're not going to shoot aliens.
But instead, they always make them into dudes.
What am I, a lesbian?
I'm not attracted to women who go, it's fucking ass-kicking time, shithead!
Kick down the door.
That's how nerds see women.
Incels, if you will.
Incels represent involuntary celibates, represent a minuscule part of the population.
So stop making all my action movies the way nerdy virgins see women.
I'm not intimidated by women, so I don't see them as like these scary giant beasts that kick down front doors.
So then I'm watching Bright last night, which turns out to be pretty good, and the reason it got bad reviews is because I think it depicts racism in a funny and nuanced way, and yeah, it's kinda cool.
And it's not PC.
Why the fuck is my wife calling me?
I'm just gonna ignore her.
I told her what I was going to do.
Uh, but now I'm worried it's an emergency.
Hold on a sec.
What is it?
God damn it!
Sorry about that.
I sound like Anthony Cumia was showing on his show a commercial from the 50s and it was for Anison and this guy comes home and he says, his wife says, we have a PTA meeting tonight so we should get ready and he goes, God damn it Muriel, I just got home!
Give me a second to relax!
And everyone was laughing about how sexist he is and how grumpy and old-fashioned he is.
Uh, that's me.
When shit goes wrong, I get real mad.
Especially when I get interrupted at work because I'm trying to generate income for the family and you're thwarting me.
And you throw me off my groove.
But anyway, in that movie, Bright, I'm watching it.
It's pretty cool.
And I'm like, finally, just a dude movie.
I'm in a monogamous relationship with my wife.
I want women to wear burkas.
I don't like looking at hot chicks.
It distracts me.
I saw Death Wish with Bruce Willis.
And that's one of the instances where you do want all the kids dead and the wife, because that's the Charles Bronson original.
In the new Death Wish, his fucking daughter's a 10.
She's an incredibly hot 19 year old.
Now I'm distracted, and she doesn't die.
So, there's like this hot chick in a coma.
Hot chick in a coma, I know, I know, it's serious.
So that's not fun.
I'm pro Sharia law.
I want all pretty girls in burkas now that I can't have them.
I find them distracting.
So I'm watching an action movie.
It's Will Smith, who, by the way, not a great actor, not a bad actor.
He's just a nice plate of mashed potatoes.
Put some salt on them.
Boom, you get the job done.
That's what I'm not looking for.
For Girard Depardieu in every movie, that's the best actor I could think of, by the way.
So Will Smith is just doing his job, being a black guy, being a cop, being a good cop with a heart of gold.
Of course he has to have a white wife.
And killing fairies, actual literal fairies, I don't mean homosexuals.
And I'm watching it, and cool, and we got it.
And then the chief comes out.
Alright assholes, I need you on the streets.
Guess who the chief of police is, who's kicking ass and taking names, not taking any shit?
Margaret Cho.
Margaret Cho.
Margaret Cho is the chief of police.
All right, fuckheads.
I've been on the beat a long time.
I've been through a lot of shit.
I've killed a lot of fucking assholes.
And I'm Margaret Cho.
So then I'm yanked out of it now.
And then she becomes part of this other big ring of tough guys.
Anyway, I won't give away anything, but they take care of her.
Or Jason Bourne.
Cool.
Jason Bourne.
I love those movies.
Especially on a big screen.
That cool one where he's going through the various apartments in that European building.
Like, I don't know where the hell he is.
Budapest.
He goes out of one window into the other.
You know, they're all condensed in these European apartments.
That's so cool.
And then I see the most recent one I think is called Jason Bourne.
And, uh, He finds out that the CIA killed his father, which would piss you off.
So the CIA goes, can you come back to the CIA?
You're really good at killing.
And he goes, no, you killed my dad and I'm in a bad mood.
So they go, we need someone who can identify with Jason.
But he's also a fucking insane badass and super tough.
And a hacker.
Who can find anyone online and knows where everyone is.
So a genius, tough guy.
Who should we choose?
I know a Dutch supermodel.
Literally a supermodel from the Netherlands.
That's who plays this chick who's gonna convince Jason Bourne to join the CIA, come back to the CIA.
What?
And by the way, she became Tomb Raider, which is also a nerd fantasy where they get to see violence and pretty girls at the exact same time.
That's not something that appeals to us.
Stop putting broads.
Or another one!
Hurricane Heist I put in.
Okay, you're gonna rob a bank.
And they steal the thing from the Den of Thieves where it's money that's about to be shredded.
It's the exact same plotline.
They're just stealing pre-shredded money.
I don't know how you can do that.
They're both out now, by the way, on demand.
Same pre-shredded money is being stolen by two different groups in two different movies.
But anyway, these guys, that's pretty big balls, I gotta say.
They're getting together with the local police and robbing, spoiler alert, sorry, robbing this money, this pre-shredded money.
600 million dollars, I believe?
Of it?
Guess who's gonna stop them in their tracks?
A super fucking hot chick.
What?
Yeah, during a hurricane, the biggest one in the history of man, with cars whipping through the sky like someone's throwing rocks, she's there, not leaving her town, ready to brawl with a gang of hurricane thieves.
What?
Why?
Like, what is that for?
Is that so you, if you bring your female date, she can watch it too and identify with the girl?
That's not fun.
Anyway, that brings me to the whole beginning of this episode.
I've been trying to start this episode for exactly 40 minutes.
And, uh, the beginning is, Joey Gibson, a friend of mine, half Japanese by the way, He is running for Senate.
He also runs this group called Patriot Prayer.
He's a very devout Christian who prays to God every day, and I love him to death.
Great guy.
But his thing is, he has this, you know, Jesus mentality, where he says Antifa are violent.
He lives in Portland, by the way, where Antifa is to Portland what the mob is to Reggio di Calabria, Italy.
They are mainstream.
They antifa there, they teach in the schools, they're your kindergarten teacher, they're your professors, they teach at the local universities, they teach geography.
Um... Del Rias?
Alexander Del Rias, I think his name is?
He's one of these professors who wrote about the whole thing in Farharet's magazine in Israel, which is phenomenally left-wing, and they get antifa to write articles about antifa.
So it's a little biased, but um... So, uh...
This town is very bad for Joey in the sense that he gets death threats every day, they come by his house, he's totally armed, he's got cameras everywhere ready for an invasion.
It's like being a white farmer in South Africa, basically.
I'm exaggerating a bit, but his life is still in jeopardy.
So he says, I'm going to have a march, and if Antifa wants to fight me, and they want to kill me, fine.
That'll just show the world who they are.
But I'm going to march for, well, to promote my campaign, but also march for prayer, march for Trump, march for the flag, and say that Antifa isn't going to control us anymore.
They're not going to control this town.
We are part of this town too, you know, as conservatives.
So, all these proud boys get on planes, trains, and automobiles and head over there and say, no Joey, you're not gonna get beat up, we're gonna surround you.
So they go there to the event, and again, this had nothing to do with families belonging together, even though it was the same, um, same day.
They go down there and the police say, okay, then they police form a perimeter and they go, you can do your talk here, but we're going to make sure there's no arms.
So they take away not just brass knuckles or anything illegal, like those telescopic batons, but pepper spray, pen knives, anything that could be used as a weapon.
So the guys have nothing now.
They have their, they wear these sort of like motorcycle armor around their chests.
Helmets, using batting helmets for baseball so you can see and everything.
And then masks and goggles for smoke bombs and pepper spray.
They go and they do a bunch of speeches.
They rap.
Again, very diverse crowd, despite what the press will tell you about how it's all white.
I actually had to send a legal letter to Haaretz that was written by an Antifa who was there, who actually picked up the kid who we knocked out, um, and tell them to change all white or we're going to sue you.
And then the author, the Antifa author said, it wasn't me.
My editor added that.
That's fucked up if he did, because he's in Israel.
By the way, Haaretz is so left-wing, they're anti-Semitic.
Like, they are pro-BDS, the sanctions against Israel.
They hate the settlements.
They're always talking about Zionists.
Like, you will see more anti-Semitic writing in Haaretz than you'll see in the alt-right press in America.
In fact, I find the two indistinguishable when it comes to talking about Jews in Israel.
And they're in fucking Israel.
Anyway.
So our guys are disarmed.
They do the talk.
Now they have to get home.
Now this is what happens all the time.
And I don't blame the cops for it.
The cops are just doing their job.
But the administration, the mayor, they say, all right, we're going to disarm them and then unleash Antifa on them.
Then there'll be a riot.
And then we get to say, we can't have Trump supporters here because riots happen.
And we tried to help you, but we couldn't.
And this frustrates the fuck out of the cops, too.
Sorry for swearing so much this episode.
The cops can't fight back because they're unarmed.
And why are they unarmed?
Because Portland has brutal gun laws, as does my hometown of New York City.
But if it didn't have street gun laws, I would be using WeThePeopleHolsters.com.
This is a holster company that uses hard plastic that you can customize to your gun, to your fit.
Fits in your pants perfectly.
It's got a great adjustability, so no matter what your body type is, it can fit comfortably in the front of your pants.
Big guns, small guns, they're about $34 each.
If you go to wethepeopleholsters.com and put in the code GAVIN, you can get $10 off.
That's now $24.
This incredible technology and I'm not that far away from getting my concealed carry for New York City.
I'm pretty excited about it.
Things are moving along quite well and I will have a WeThePeopleHolsters.com holster that I will get from WeThePeopleHolsters.com.
Please check them out.
It's a wonderful company.
They can also customize a design on your thingamadoodle.
And I would recommend, uh, the Get Off My Lawn logo.
Or maybe just a picture of me pointing at you saying, you talking to me?
Or maybe just Get Off My Lawn?
I don't know, it's up to you.
I can submit some ideas.
Anyway, no one has a gun.
And they're unleashed.
And then the cops are told to say, the permit for this rally has been revoked.
This is now a riot.
You're in a riot now.
We just magically turned it into a riot.
That'd be funny if the cop was giggling and he said it.
It was his last day.
It's like falling down at the end of falling down.
Yeah.
Well, um, you guys aren't gonna believe this shit, but, uh, it's technically not a march anymore.
Now it's a riot.
Yeah.
And I know you guys didn't do anything, but it's a riot now.
So, Antifa obviously not disarmed, because they never went through the perimeter.
And this happened in Berkeley, too.
And people go, oh, you're LARPing with all your little stupid little gear on?
No, actually, the body armor, that front part, a friend of mine who was there just sent me a picture of the front of it.
I tweeted it out, actually.
It has knife holes in it, because Antifa are stabbing at people now.
Especially in Portland, remember, this is the epicenter of Antifa.
And then they're throwing garbage, like hard garbage, like an old jar of spaghetti sauce, bricks, rocks.
They are pepper spraying Proud Boys and Joey Gibson guys and Patriots.
They are attacking them and Um, the more, and they're doing this sort of hyena type attacks, where one will go in, and if they can get one guy down, then they'll all jump into them.
But, these guys are, like, there's nothing better than justified violence.
It's so exhilarating.
And here we are, standing up for someone like Joey Gibson, who just wants to pray.
And, uh, we're so happy to fight for him.
So we totally surround him, and they come, come on, bitches!
There's no fear there.
Oh, by the way, speaking of women in action movies, on both sides, and we're guilty of this too, There's broads everywhere.
Chicks in flip-flops, smoking cigarettes, just walking along.
At a rumble.
At a brawl.
Why are women showing up to a rumble?
Like, imagine in the 1950s, remember the rumble seats that would be in the back of the hot rods?
And the greasers would have the chains and the switchblades?
And then imagine some chick in a poodle skirt and her two-toned shoes shows up chewing bubblegum saying, I want to be part of the fight.
Uh, no.
You'll die.
So anyway, our guys start swarming them and then just start mowing them down like grass.
Have you seen wheat been harvested before?
The way the enormous combines will just come in and fell the wheat?
Just toppling because these kids picked a fight with war vets and cops and ex-cops and blue-collar dudes with trades who bust their ass.
The lefties talk about workers of the world unite but they're unemployed and they live in their mother's basement and they're getting soft.
Their idea of attacking someone is to publish their address, just to sit passively on their computer and publish locations.
Meanwhile, our guys build swimming pools in Florida in the crippling heat, laying down rebar where there's no crossbreeds because you're down in a hole.
There's no relief from the heat down in that hole.
So a fight?
Yeah, I'd love one.
And they're just nailing and nailing him and then there's this guy who calls himself Rufio from Peter Pan.
He's huge and he's wearing all this gear and he's just knocking guys down.
Honestly, like cow tipping.
Just plop, plop, plop, plop.
And then there's video of this and it's become, it's gone viral and it's the reason I chose that opening line.
This guy comes up to him and he has one of those telescopic batons.
And those are illegal in Portland.
They're illegal everywhere.
I'd love to have one.
But I think this guy's watched so many movies that he thinks being whipped by one of these, being hit by one of these, is like Harry Potter going, poof, you're dead.
So he goes up to our guy, Rufio, who's a huge proud boy, 6'2", at least, built like a brick shithouse.
And he's like, come on, bitch.
And he's standing next to a girl who honestly weighs, I won't exaggerate, 100 pounds.
And she's not short.
She looks like Fido from the 7-Up commercials.
She looks like Where's Waldo.
And she's smoking a cigarette!
In a brawl!
And so he comes up.
The Antifa kid comes up and whips Rufio with the telescopic baton.
Which must sting like a motherfucker.
Although he's got all the pads and stuff on him.
So he blocks the first one.
He comes at him again.
Blocks the second one.
And then he does something which in the boxing community is frowned upon, a right hook.
We're taught not to do right hooks.
They leave you too vulnerable.
You're supposed to do a right cross, go straight out.
But he goes against the boxing handbook and he delivers this sweeping right that seems to come from a nearby county.
And whoosh...
It goes over the cornfield, sort of like Superman on his way to save the day.
This fist is just riding from a mile away from his body.
Whoosh!
Fwoosh!
Sends the kid's sunglasses soaring off into space.
Like something out of the movie Asteroid.
Is that what it was called?
Nevermind the Sandra Bullocks?
Fwoosh!
They're gone!
And I'm sounding like the black guy in Police Academy.
And then the cops come.
And the guy passes out.
And then stands there, he's unconscious standing, like a dead tree in the woods.
And our boy needs to know if that guy's still a threat, right?
He might just be standing there, he might be about to hit him again with the thing.
So he pushes him over exactly the same way you push over dead trees when you're a little kid and you're walking through the forest and it takes a bit of a rocking and then It falls.
So he pushed him over.
In the same way, say there was someone that you shot that tried to shoot you and they're still near their gun, you'd kick the gun away.
So he pushes him over as a way to say, like, can I take care of you?
Are you done?
I need to make sure that you're finished.
So he pushes him over.
Get it on my face.
I need to make sure I'm safe after you attacked me twice in a fucking row.
Then that girl comes at him.
And so he picks up the collapsible baton that he just got off the guy.
It's shrunk back down to its normal size.
And he puts it in his pocket, and then he just shoos her away, which he's very lucky, by the way, that he just shoed her away.
I mean, this guy just knocked out two people, his adrenaline is pounding, he's in fight-or-flight mode, and you decide with your cigarette in your hand just to go over and start yelling expletives at him?
He had self-control.
He was clearly not drunk.
Thank your lucky stars he didn't do anything stupid like knock you out, lady.
So the cops take him in and luckily the video is everywhere.
It's a meme.
I showed about 10 on my show tonight and She the cops see it and they go well, that's self-defense no matter how you slice it Of course, we had lawyers ready.
My problem is we all have these aliases So I don't know half the guys real name.
So it's hard to find guys.
They have to call me first.
But anyway we're ready with the lawyers, but It was, uh, it was a cut and dry case.
They just let him go.
And the moral of the story here is... Tenfold, but I'll reduce it.
The moral of the story here is don't pick fights with people that can beat you up.
And I don't mean that just literally, although I do mean it literally.
I mean it figuratively, too.
Like, you've got this arrogant attitude, you young people.
I have my enemies.
I think Hillary Clinton is responsible for murders.
I'm scared of that.
You know?
Or you have these illegals who go around with big signs.
I'm sick of being in the shadows.
Uh, you're gonna get busted, dude.
Hide.
The Chinese illegals are much smarter.
They don't rock the boat.
It's like Kras used to say, if you choose to stray from the path that you've been taught, don't expect help and don't get caught.
Stop picking fights with bikers.
Secondly, the other part of the lesson here is these villains you've made are not the villains that you think they are.
They're not Nazis for the billionth time.
They're not trying to separate children from their parents.
They're not anti-Semitic.
They're not racist.
They're not homophobic.
They're Islamophobic in the sense that they fear an Islamicization of the West, but that's an intellectual thing that you need to sit down in a salon with a cup of brandy to discuss.
So not only are you wrong to fight these- and by the way, if they were Nazis, you should be scared.
Like, we used to fight Nazis- Nazi skinheads in the 80s.
They would kick our ass.
I was scared to go fight them.
I wouldn't be a girl with a cigar and go, hey Nazi, fuck you, shove.
I go, uh-oh.
That's the crazy thing about this.
They can't really believe that they're fighting actual Nazis, because if they did, they'd be scared of them.
You know?
If you think people are MS-13, you go, holy shit, I think my neighbors might be MS-13.
You don't go over to your neighbor's house and go, ding dong, hey, asshole, you guys better not be fucking MS-13 or you're going to regret it.
You start packing your bags when you think your neighbors are MS-13.
So they clearly don't think that.
So I guess the moral of the story here is it's all fashion.
It's the mods and the rockers fighting on Brighton Beach.
But the deal here is, what's happened is, the mods are eight years old and the rockers are war vets.
So it's not a fair fight and why are you picking it?
