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May 4, 2018 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
52:32
Get Off My Lawn Podcast #47 | My wife asked Nick Cave what he has for lunch last night

I wish I could tell you about my wife and kids more, but crazy people make it a dangerous thing to do. In this ep I talk generally about marriage and what it’s like to have little kids. It’s fun but you need to watch out for the alphas. They are the enemies within and will literally kick you out of bed.

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My wife asked Nick Cave what he has for lunch last night.
I'm not saying that Nick Cave eats his lunch at night.
Well, actually, Australians kind of eat their lunch yesterday, right?
Or is it like 16 hours in the future?
I think they're in the past.
That's why I don't like to talk to Australian journalists because they're literally yesterday's news.
But was that a meet-and-greet kind of thing where he plays his songs and then you ask him questions after?
Tell you what I would have asked if I wasn't at home babysitting the kids and I was invited.
I wouldn't have phrased it exactly like this, but the fact that your son died on acid while jumping off a cliff because he thought he could fly is all I think about at your shows now.
And I'm sure 90% of the audience is on the same page.
So you've gone from like the dark goth singing guy that's from the birthday party to the guy whose son killed himself accidentally or on purpose.
So when we hear your songs, we used to be thinking about a girl or a bad relationship.
Now we just hear dead son, dead son, dead sun.
So my question, Mr. Cave, is, do you just absorb that and accept that?
Or is it something you're trying to get away from?
I think that's a pretty good question.
But those weren't the questions.
The questions were all, when you were working...
Hi, Gavin McInnes.
I lived in New York for about 20 years.
I'm in the suburbs now.
You know, city's no place to raise a kid.
My question is in two parts, and I'm going to say the second part after the first part, though the second part has a lot more to do with the first part than you'd think.
Okay, thank you.
Thank you for the introduction to you and your question.
I'm so excited.
I can't wait to hear the actual question coming up.
And it's not just music nerds.
That's like political rallies of both right and left.
Probably worse with the right.
In fact, the farther right you go, the weirder the guys.
You go to some like super ultra-conservative secret rally and the guy's got a fucking beard down to his tits and two leathermans and some weird, you know, Bolero tie and Robert E. Lee's actual boots he got from a museum that he stole.
Sold his house for.
$180,000 boots.
They preserve your soul.
Anyway, so they're all like, Is that on purpose?
And so my wife gets up there and she goes, hey, she goes, Nick Cave, what's up?
That's it.
And he goes, God, I can't do it.
I got to work on my Australian.
But he goes, you Americans, I don't really get it.
I don't, what am I supposed to say?
Am I supposed to respond to that?
What is up?
So that didn't go well.
And then she goes, you don't seem like a sandwich guy.
What's your go-to for lunch?
That's another great question.
Especially because you want to alleviate the boredom here.
These questions are torture.
Come on.
We're not all music journalists.
We don't all work for some obscure music magazine like Mojo.
Chill the fuck out, people.
And it didn't work.
He didn't laugh.
Of course, the proper response to that, Nicholas, is to get into incredible detail about lunch.
I would have gone off for an hour.
And he did go off for an hour, by the way, about all those questions.
He liked the other questions.
They were slam dunks.
They worked.
And he just says, I'll just put something in between two pieces of bread that isn't dead.
And then moves on to the next question because he's a vegetarian, I guess.
But when my wife told me that, I thought, oh yeah, that's why I love you.
Because we have that much in common.
That's the thing about marriage.
You think there's all these ups and downs.
And you don't know you're in a trough till you're coming off a peak.
And you don't know if you're at a peak till you're leaving a trough.
You know who said that?
Dolly Parton.
And people just say she's a pair of tits.
I just fucked up that Ricky Gervais joke.
But yeah, you go in and out with a marriage, and sometimes you don't see the person for a while.
Especially when your kids are at war with you.
So I have three kids.
I'm reluctant to talk about them because I have so many crazies that follow me and I don't want them, you know, knowing anything about my family.
And I can't put pictures of them on Instagram.
You'll notice that, by the way, like you look at Dana Lash's Instagram and you see zero pictures of her kids, sometimes you'll see the back of their head.
Isn't this proof that the left are lunatics?
You see, lots of liberals kids, liberal commentators, they can put their kids everywhere.
They don't need, you know, state-of-the-art security at their houses the way we do.
Dana Lash has had to move like three times this year.
Anyway, I like to keep it apolitical in this podcast, but I don't want to talk about my kids in the modern sense, but I can talk about them when they were younger.
And my youngest is five.
I got a baseball kid and then a chick who's like 11, which is basically a woman now.
And then I have a little five-year-old who looks not a lot like me at all.
He looks a lot like the Chinese delivery guy who was coming by a lot about nine months before he was born, which I assume is just a coincidence.
But I'm not a big fan of Chinese food anymore, I'll tell you that much.
Anywho, here's my theory about what's going on.
I think he's a cock blocker.
A long time ago, and in his life, right?
So like half a lifetime ago, two and a half years ago, my wife dressed him up in this funny little suit she got.
She's a fashion person, right?
So she had this like little 1970s thing she got on eBay that's like a little pant suit jomper for maybe for girls, but it's like little shorts with a little shirt combined into one piece, yellow and red stripes and stuff and little dots, whatever.
Very 70s.
So she put that on him, and I'm taking a video of him.
I think I put this on Instagram.
And he does this thing when I'm filming him where he puts his chin up, like in a sort of like an upside-down nod, like, yeah, you got a problem?
What the fuck are you looking at?
Hey?
Huh?
And body language experts will tell you that's an alpha sign.
And you can see it almost at birth when they sort of put their eyes down.
It doesn't necessarily mean beta, but it doesn't mean leader of the pack.
But the chin-up thing means what do you want to do about it?
You want to go?
And he will fight me to this day.
Last night, these girls were talking to him and he was feeling shy and he just belted me in the face.
Sometimes he belts me in the face when I'm asleep.
We get along, but it's like hanging out with a boxer who does a lot of crack.
So here's the deal.
The alpha thinks the mom is his wife.
And so with my boy and my daughter, my other two, whenever I hug my wife or kiss her or whatever around them, they're just like, whatever, mom gross.
But when I do it around him, he gets pissed off and he separates us because he doesn't like people messing with his girl.
And I'll notice, even in his sleep, he'll come and sleep in our bed and he'll start kicking me and he'll literally kick me out of bed.
Now it gets even crazier.
He is playing psychological games with our marriage to break us apart so he can have her to himself.
See, what he does is he drains her all day with mom, mom, mom, mom.
And, you know, women don't like conflict.
So if he said dad, dad, dad, to me, which he kind of does, I just go, please shut up.
You're driving me insane.
Or I just ignore him totally.
He wanted me to come into the trampoline this morning with a broom and sweep it out because there were some leaves on it.
I go, the broom's right there.
You know what a broom is.
You handle it.
And then I come in about 20 minutes later and my wife is on the trampoline sweeping it because when she walked by, he went, oh, wiped his brow with no sweat on it.
Went, oh, this is so hard.
She's like, here, I'll give you a hand.
No, you're getting hustled by Ratzo Rizzo, the alpha midget.
And so by the time, like, mom, I need a hug, mom, and you're beautiful.
I heard him the other day.
He's like, mom, can I have a cinnamon roll?
Yeah, sure.
I'll put a roll in the oven.
That probably costs me about a dollar in natural gas.
I'll put a bun in the oven, and then I'll get the sort of goop that puts on it.
And then, can you bring it up here?
And sometimes she'll be so busy that she won't think, what?
I'm not bringing it up there.
She'll just like bring it up there on her way up.
And he goes, thanks, mom.
I love you.
I love you too.
You're beautiful.
Thanks.
Yeah, I love you more.
I'm like, you fucking cock blocker.
You're getting in there.
So by the time bedtime rolls around, which he'll push to like nine if he's had a nap, she's fucking dead to the world.
So me going like, hey, wanna allegedly smoke some Mary Jane or have a drink and, you know, talk or watch a horror movie, want to come downstairs, want to listen to records?
Yeah.
It's not happening.
She just wants to close the doors, be alone, read her book.
She's also a bitch, which I don't say in a negative way.
First of all, American Indians, all the nice ones are dead.
Everyone who, every single one of them who goes up to white people and goes, hi, how's it going?
We killed them.
So the only ones left are total cunts, I'm afraid.
And by the way, that was what the first Indian ever said to the pilgrims when the first boat came in.
He went, hi, do you have beer?
Look it up.
That was the first quote ever.
I forget his name.
And one of the freakiest things about him was he was just wearing a loincloth and nothing else.
He was a red skin because it was so fucking cold, like blistering winds.
But he had enough brown fat.
And this is from one of my favorite books, That Which Does Not Kill Us.
Scott, I forget his name.
He said anti-Trump stuff, and I blocked him out of my mind.
But he developed enough brown fat to be able to handle the cold no problem.
We used to be able to handle way colder, and Indians could handle way more extreme temperatures on both ends than we could when we got here, which is why we needed their help.
Scott Carney?
Scott Carney is the author, yes.
But find that Indian who said, do you guys have beer?
in a pretty good accent.
Because he had seen a couple ships before that weren't like real immigrants coming.
And ooh, bad choice of words, pioneers.
And they had beer.
And they had beer on their boats, of course, because it was the only way you can get liquid that wouldn't have bacteria in it because the bacteria would get too wasted.
So, yeah, she's a bitch.
But I chose her because of that.
And my mom is a cunt.
And my dad chose her for that very reason.
And I think my wife chose me because I'm an asshole.
And I think my mom chose my dad because he's an asshole.
Assholes and cunts are meant to be.
And I think what happens is the lady goes, I'm a cerbic.
I'm like strychnine.
I need someone with an ox-like stomach who can eat me without dying.
And the asshole goes, I make people cry every time I open my mouth.
I need someone who builds a brick wall around themselves to keep out the pain, the fear, and the hurt.
That, by the way, is stolen from a girl's diary we found when we were about 13.
Her name was Tiffany, I think.
Amber and Tiffany were their names.
And we got a hold of her diary and we would laugh for hours reading it.
Another thing, sometimes we'd sing the poems like, Sorry I loved you.
Sorry, I needed you.
Oh man, that's a whole other podcast.
I still have another diary.
I used to collect diaries and they were because I love bad writing.
But there's this other one I have where this girl's writing about herself in whatever it is, second person.
And she's like, it's a book of black and white pictures of her friends.
Her parents obviously bought her a darkroom.
And she's like, Jordan was the first to befriend her.
Andy, the second.
They lived and they laughed.
But most of all, they cared.
Like, she's Betty Davis writing an autobiography from the grave or something.
It's fucking hilarious.
I'll get it for you.
Here's the story.
It's Samoset, Lord of the Mohican.
That's his name, Samoset.
Lord of the Mohicans.
Lord of the Mohicans.
I remember when I first saw my wife, her and her friends, this was in early 2000s when everyone dressed 80s in New York.
It's a New York thing was mustaches.
Even my wife said, I moved to New York.
She moved here, I think, in 2000, 2001.
She goes, why is everyone an undercover cop?
I didn't really have much of a mustache when I moved here in 99, but I saw like Matt Sweeney and all these Airy Weapons dudes, and I thought, yeah, that's a good look.
And I stole it.
But she got out of the cabin.
The fashion trend back then, and it is the greatest fashion trend ever in the history of chicks.
Accelerator girls.
The ZZ top girls from the video legs, like the leather hats from cruising, and fingerless mesh gloves and Madonna jewelry, lots of crosses and beads and stuff and mini skirts.
And then, of course, the clincher socks with heels.
Socks with heels.
Little tiny little ankle socks with stilettos.
You could stick them on Rosie O'Donnell and I'm packing my bags and leaving my wife.
You could put them on a pig, literally an actual pig, and I swear I would feel like a little thing.
I wouldn't fuck the pig.
But if I was going through a farm and one of the pigs had ankle socks and heels, I would feel like a tiny twinge of sexual attraction, just for a millisecond.
And then I go, what am I doing?
That's an animal covered in shit.
But I saw her get out with her friends, Carol Lee.
And, God, what was the other girl's name?
She was awesome.
She went to the airport once, so wasted, with nothing at all, but a purse with a bottle of vodka in it.
That's it.
No ID, nothing.
He goes, sorry, lady, it's not 1940.
You can't get on the plane.
She was doing a walk of shame once, walking home dressed like an accelerator girl at eight in the morning while some mom was walking her kid to school.
And she just stopped and barfed on the street and said, I am so sorry.
That's ridiculous.
And the woman's holding her kid closer.
What the fuck?
Mom, that's your fault.
What are you doing with a little kid in the East Village taken to some shitty public school?
Yeah, but I can live my beastie boys' fantasies.
Now I'm in a video about New York City, y'all.
But she got out of the cab and her and her friends, me and Derek Beckles, were just standing there.
I forget what we were doing, barfing or doing Coke or something.
And she gets out of the car and we, he's like, wow, she's pretty hot.
And I was just, everything was in slow motion.
And she looked at me like I was human garbage, just like, ugh.
I had a pretty insane look at that time.
I just moved to New York.
I was making money for the first time ever.
Vice had just been bought for the first, like invested in a big way.
So I had rings, gold rings on every finger.
I had a gold tooth, gold chain, and then a kappa sweatsuit, sort of like half soccer hooligan, half sopranos.
I looked like a Russian Coke dealer.
I think I even had a tennis headband on.
It's weird coming from Montreal to New York because Montreal is French Canadian, so they're all like, why do you have, no, that's Mexican.
What are you doing?
Why do you have the blue jean?
Your jeans should be orange.
You need the colors.
You need to have one red sock and one pink sock.
So when you have like matching socks, you feel like a square.
So you come to New York and you look like you work for Cirque du Soleil.
And most Montrealers in New York do.
So I eventually got that courtship going after a lot of rocky times.
We both dumped each other about 40 times.
That's the thing about bitches and assholes, right?
Same with my parents.
One time during the courtship, well, no, this wouldn't be the courtship, sorry.
I would have been like six.
So the marriage, they were in Canada and they set up tents, they go camping with some friends, and they need, I forget what they're missing, like a lighter to start a fire.
So great thing to forget, by the way.
So my dad goes, me and me and Eddie, we'll head out and we'll get it.
So they go out and they get the lighter from town.
And then he goes, let's just grab a quick pint.
Nine pints later, it's like 11 o'clock.
The women have set up their tents in the dark.
There's no fire.
They're freezing.
And dad goes, oh, shit, we should probably head back.
This is no good.
And the other guy, no one can drink with my dad.
So the other guy's just like, so he pours the other guy into the passenger seat and drives back.
And the other woman told me that she could see the tent.
And before she started bitching at her husband, my dad unzips the tent and a fist just goes and pops out of the zipper hole and punches my dad in the face at which point he's knocked out.
It's easy to knock out drunk people, by the way.
And he's passed Out and he falls asleep in front of the tent.
You see?
Now that's not a good example of her needing him, but that is a good example of him needing her.
Anyway, I've got those two things.
We've got the, she's a, I'm not going to keep saying bitch and cunt.
That's obviously hyperbolic terminology to make you laugh.
I'd say she's very funny and fun, but also dry and apathetic.
A little cold.
And I'm a mean person.
I'm not a good guy.
I know you think I'm a nice guy because I have character and I won't fuck anyone over and I'm very loyal.
But I'll also laugh at someone if they deserve it.
I've even gone out.
You know that dinner for schmucks thing?
I've done that.
Now, I've never do a dogfight.
That's a little too brich.
But the dinner for schmucks thing, I used to call it freak lunch.
That's totally ethical if the person never, ever finds out.
And it's been about a decade or more since I've done it, so I feel confident confessing that.
But I have gone out, invited people out, and hung out with a friend just because they are so shitty.
I want to laugh at this, how horrible this person is.
It's really hard not to laugh.
It's really fun, too.
But you have to be evil.
You have to be satanic.
And I am Satan.
So I need a bitch.
But speaking of apathy, that sort of brings me back to the kids.
It's funny your emotions with kids.
Like with my daughter, she thought she lost her phone the other day.
And I don't want her having a phone.
As you know, I hate screens.
Oh, and by the way, that lockbox I got where I lock up the screens, total raging success.
Worked perfect.
That's locked in the lockbox Monday to Thursday.
And the kids figure out what to do.
They read.
They go outside more.
They're nicer to deal with because it is a drug.
It is crack.
So you're dealing with someone not doing crack and they're a better person.
I couldn't recommend it enough.
It was the biggest problem with my parenting life.
And that problem is gone.
Now, I'm super generous on the weekends.
Friday, Saturday, Sunday, you get an hour and 20 minutes to play video games, me and screen.
And I'm not even a Nazi about it.
Oops, you played video games twice.
We went up to an hour 40.
Don't care, because I get that dry spell.
I get rehab Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.
It's awesome.
I'm not going to forget about the crying thing.
But another thing that worked, and I'm just going to tell you about the successes, because there's a million failures for every success.
Alone time.
Kids don't want to talk to you when you want to talk to them.
Like, you sit at dinner and you go, how was school?
Fine.
Or they get this other thing, especially if they have a bratty friend who has a nanny who gets treated like shit.
See, nannies are terrible parents.
Any kind of caregiver is a shitty parent because they don't want to get fired.
So anything goes.
Which is why that kid once at Little League told me to pick up his baseball glove.
A stranger dropped his baseball glove and said, can you get that, please?
It's like three feet from him.
Pardon me?
Eight-year-old?
My glove?
It's right by you.
No, I told that to another dad, and he's like, I would have thrown that fucking glove so far.
He's a cop.
Last night, now I'm on a tangent, a tangent, a tangent.
He was talking about his father's last words.
And his dad was a boxer, and he said, are you my uncle?
And he goes, no, I'm your son.
Oh, yeah, you're my youngest son.
You're the cop.
I hate cops.
That was his last words.
Then he croaked.
And it was a joke, obviously.
He was keeping his sense of humor right to those dying days, even though his brain was fried.
That's good to know that your sense of humor holds on.
Actually, that's not good news for you because you're not funny.
That's why you're listening to this because funny sounds unusual to you.
Funny people aren't listening to this.
Sorry, that was not a good crack at the customer.
So, and don't think I forgot what I was talking about.
I hate when you say that.
The other thing that worked is alone time.
So I walk the boy to school in the mornings or ride my bike with him.
And then all of a sudden, Chatty Kathy.
And this is a guy, by the way, thanks to hanging out with nanny kids, he's getting real snippy.
So I'll say, oh, you got a new baseball hat.
Your team, you lost baseball hat.
No, I showed you that yesterday.
No, you didn't.
Yeah, I did.
Well, I don't remember that.
Yeah, you do.
Yes, I do.
And then he goes, I go, where's that Mets thing that was on your wall?
It's in this bag.
I don't know what's doing in this bag.
You put it in the bag.
Oh, yeah, you had that from that museum display.
And then he does it one eyebrow up, one eyebrow down, like you're a fucking idiot face, and goes, uh, museum?
Sorry, let me correct myself.
The museum display that you did at your local library, where different students take over a little plexiglass case and show their various collections.
There's been Pokemon, there's been Lego.
You had it for a month, and you chose the Mets.
Is that more accurate, sir?
You know, they get to this age where you have to go, yeah, I don't know where you got this idea that I'm your fucking little brother, but I'm your dad.
We're not peers.
This is not a democracy.
It's a benevolent dictatorship.
Yes, I'm on my phone too much.
That's a vice.
Yes, I often have more than two beers and drive.
You can't do any of that fucking shit because you're a little kid.
I do sometimes swear with the kids, but I avoid it as much as possible so they know when they hear fuck, dad is fucking mad.
Anyway, I get all that snark.
So you get a lot of snark or nothing at the dinner table.
But then these alone times, all of a sudden, it's getting philosophical.
Like, what do you think is the tallest man in the world?
His life was probably bad, right?
Yeah, yeah.
What's, what did my five-year-old say the other day when I'm going for a walk with him?
Who's the boy with the longest hair in the world?
It must go on.
They're not good at range.
So they're like, boy with the longest hair in the world must be 100 Miles long.
No, I don't think it's quite that long.
It's probably down to his knees, dude.
He doesn't have time to grow it past his knees.
He's only been alive for boy years.
But yeah, take the kid to school, walk the dog with the girl.
All of a sudden, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Chatty Kathy, chatty Kathy, walk the boy to school, or go for a walk with the boy, or just go play foosball.
We got a foosball table downstairs.
Go play foosball with a boy.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Lockbox for all screens and designated alone time.
And I don't think it has to be every single day.
I mean, it is with the boy because of school.
But as long as you sort of look back over the week and you've had one or two alone times with each child, even if you got 10, you'll, you know, it's like a little audit.
And you'll find out if she hates school or if someone's being bullied or, you know, if they're having second thoughts about someone, they don't like hanging out with a kid or some kid doesn't like hanging out with them.
That's what I wanted to get to, too, with their feelings.
Sometimes when they're crying, you think, cry, bitch.
And sometimes when they're sad, it's like you're being stabbed through the chest, but from like your pubes up into your neck.
Like the Scottish swords that Braveheart would use and even previous to him, I've grabbed them before.
They weigh about 80 pounds and they're not sharp.
They cut you in half the way a car would cut you in half.
It's just the sheer force of an 80-pound piece of steel hitting you.
Like they could be as rounded as a pole and they would still cut you in half.
So it's a sword of that magnitude, like a Knights of the Templar fucking sword of truth thing that you pull out of the rock, going in through and up, like you're just hanging on the sword.
You're crucified.
You have to sit down.
So for example, say you find out that one of your kids is being ostracized and has to eat lunch.
I'm going to cry even thinking of it.
Has to eat lunch like alone by their locker or something because I don't know if they farted in school or someone made fun of them or, you know, it's pretty random what makes kids a pariah.
It's not like they're poor so no one likes them.
It could be they look like an unpopular celebrity.
I don't know.
You never know what's going to set off this Lord of the Fly shit.
Piggy has a conch shell and boom, he's dead.
So the idea of that happening to your kid is crucified on a sword right out of the omen where that priest gets that with the pole from the church and he's standing suspended on the grass with the pole in his body holding him up.
It's that kind of stabbing where you're just like, oh, I'm a sword puppet.
Like I, if I hear any kind of news about that, about my kid, I have to like sit down on the toilet.
With the seat down, I mean.
But conversely, when they're crying about something frivolous, you go, this is good because they're developing thicker skin and they're obviously spoiled.
I'm watching a person become better before my very eyes.
So she was being super melodramatic the other day about losing her phone and it was crying like right out of a silent film, like on the stairs with one arm up, like an opera.
And I felt fucking nothing.
Nothing.
It was like my dog Leroy.
Cry.
Worst case scenario, you lost your phone.
Good.
I hate that phone.
I don't know why you're allowed to have it.
Mom's scared that she can't communicate with you 24 hours a day.
Good.
Cry.
And it's the same when they're like little kids.
You go, all right.
Diaper changed.
You got some milk.
You're not hungry.
You got no rash.
You just had a nap.
You're not tired.
Now you're just crying for exercise.
Cry away, motherfucker.
Oh, no, that's me.
That's how you got made.
Cry away.
And that's the fun part about having kids is you're constantly shaping them.
And Lauren Southern brought up a good point about how some survey that said parents are less happy after kids.
And I think the problem with the survey is it means less satisfied in a sense, but it's because your scope of things changes.
Before you have kids, they go, are you happy?
Yeah, I just farted.
I had a stomachache and then I farted.
Now I feel pretty good.
I'm really happy now.
Whereas after you have kids, you go, yeah, I am kind of happy, but I'm worried about this one's development and this one draws less.
He used to draw more.
Now he's less creative.
I'm worried about that.
There's another thing with the kid today, the boy.
I go, one of his baseball things broke.
His Druble Cabrera bobblehead.
And I go, why don't you fix it?
Used to be Mr. Arts and Crafts.
You used to make stuff every single day.
Now you don't make stuff anymore.
He goes, no, I didn't.
And I go, yeah, remember you made two, at least two, maybe more, complete full-body RoboCop costumes out of cardboard?
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
I was just looking at a picture of it yesterday.
No, you did.
What?
And part of me was thinking, no, it would have looked way cooler if I did it.
Did you hear that recently, by the way?
The robot in Lost in Space is making people horny, and it's a surprising result.
Netflix didn't realize this was going to happen.
No, we hadn't planned on this.
People wanting to fuck our robots.
How depraved.
What are these video games doing to everyone's brains?
You want to bone a robot?
We just got a guy.
A guy got caught the other day fucking a car.
I'm not joking.
And the police showed up.
Excuse me.
The police showed up and he kept going.
Which, by the way, that's the way men are.
If I was fucking someone's wife and he came home with a gun, I'd say like, can you just get my shoulder or something, not stop the heart or the brain?
Because I'm 90% done here.
You're not going to go and just start running.
You've got to finish the job.
But anyway, I wish I could talk all about my kids.
I talk about my kids to my friends and stuff, But I can't give away details because there's so many fucking lunatics out there.
I can really just go to like five years old with all of them.
But the boy, the middle boy, I think he has a high IQ.
My wife and I are dumb, a bitch and a mean, two couple meanies, but our parents are geniuses.
Her dad is one of the most successful biochemists in the world.
And my dad was a PhD in physics from Glasgow University.
Basically ended communism by coming up with a sonar that can see into submarines and see nuclear subs and call their bluff and say, there's actually only two people in there.
I can tell by the vibrations from the sonar, by the way.
And helped design the XM1 tank, the world's fastest tank.
Lots of stuff like that.
Brilliant guy.
He once got out of a drunk driving charge by doing math and he was shit-faced.
Like, sir, look, I think it might be my accent, but I'm absolutely sober.
Dude, give me a 300, give me any kind of a math question.
They're like, okay, 391 times 72.
And he's like, 6,000.
Look, I don't even know the rough, rough ballpark, so I can't do that joke.
That could be 600,000, 6 million, or 600 trillion.
I can see him looming over me too sometimes.
Like, I have an analog watch, and people go, what time is it?
And I'll be like, oh, it's 10.
Minute hand, that's 15, so it's going to be 10.20.
And I can hear him going, for fuck's sake, boy, just look at that.
Or if you catch yourself on your computer's calculator and you're like, okay, so we're doing this three times.
It's $10 each.
That is going to be 3x10 equals 3.0.
Oh, 30.
Yeah, yeah.
And I could hear his voice going, for fuck's sake, you do three times 10 on a fucking calculator.
He'd be mad if I did 39 times 71 on a calculator.
But anyway, he got away with that.
So there is smart genes in the system.
My wife and I's genitalia contains smart DNA.
We just got to get it right.
And I think it definitely got on my middle son.
Holy shit.
So when he was a little kid, he would just suck on a soother, which he called a lily, because soother is too hard to say when you're a kid.
So he came up with a new word because he's a genius.
And he would just stare and not say a word and just take it all in.
And then when it's time to give your lilies to the lily fairy, which is another good way.
I don't mean Lilith Fair, the festival, although that would work too.
But the way you get rid of lilies is you say, by the way, everyone calls lilies in our family now.
That's one of the cool things about kids.
You pick up their colloquialisms.
So animals are amylos.
You say the things that they say, straw bobos or strawberries, forever now.
But once, if you want to get rid of lilies, you say, we're going to give all these to the lily fairy so other kids can have them because some kids can't afford lilies even though they're a buck.
You're lying.
And then they feel like they're doing a good deed.
And they love fairies coming in the middle of the night and tooth fairies and stuff.
Although, you can't tell when they stop believing.
My kids, my 11-year-old hasn't told me whether she believes in Santa or not.
And I think she's not sure if I believe in him.
But when there's that many presents coming on one day of the year, you don't want to rock the boat.
So, and I don't want to rock it either because I don't want to blow it.
And by the way, be very careful with, I think, Gremlins 2, because Phoebe Kate says she learned that Santa doesn't exist when her uncle died in the chimney.
So you got to fast forward through that part if you want to let them see it because it's a really cool movie.
But yeah, they like Fairies Coming the Night.
You get rid of the Lily.
And as soon as we got rid of the Lily, he's just like, all right, let's get started here.
What I'm going to do is I want to watch real movie trailers.
I forget what it's called, but these guys reenact movie trailers with cardboard and stuff.
So they'll take a trailer and they'll duplicate it frame by frame, but with action figures and cutout stuff.
And then you play them together and you realize it's a perfect recreation.
It's a really cool YouTube channel.
So he starts watching that, making them all from scratch.
He made a hand that's like a prosthetic.
It's got threads that go through pieces of straw and you connect it to your hand.
And when you close your hand, the cardboard hand closes its hand too.
Made a bunch of Mr. Metheads.
That was sort of the end when the Mets took over.
And then the Mets took over and the brain goes, infinite data.
And then it's just a beautiful mind.
RBI's.
And now I can just say, like, what, who won the World Series in 1991?
And he says, the Baltimore Sazerbacks or whatever.
I kind of lost him to baseball in a sense.
It's like the only time it's all we talk about.
And I don't know baseball.
And I can't, like, I like it.
I love watching it.
It takes about 60 games to get into.
It's sort of like punk.
I remember I got into punk before I heard it.
And I was like, I don't care what the fuck this music is.
I'm liking it because punk seems really cool.
And I, unfortunately, the first record I bought was Crass and their records are played on 45.
So I didn't realize that.
So I was playing full, because they're 12 inches.
So I'm playing 12 inches on 33.
And it's like, don't want to bury my hair neck.
And I'm like, okay, this is kind of a trip.
It's very sludge-like, but I guess it's heavy, slow news.
It's funny, I was just talking to Penny and G of Crass this week, asking them to go to Speaker's Corner, and they're like, ah, fuck no.
I think they haven't dumped me yet, but they may be the last to go.
I don't think they're happy about Gavi's fear of Islam.
And I said, are you coming to Speaker's Corner maybe?
No, that.
Oh, that's a Scottish accent.
I don't think so.
No, I mean, unfortunately, Speaker's Corner used to be beautiful, used to be wonderful, but I think now it's sort of, you know, people getting talked down, pulled down if they don't like the color of their skin.
Like, I actually heard the opposite.
I think it's all Islamicists now, but I'll check it out in person see what I think And then I also got the Dead Kennedys plastic surgery disasters where it was just the beginning of the album is a cacophony.
So it's like and this woman's going why are you such a stupid asshole?
Would you really like to know?
Well remove your chair and the bed will show you how or something like that.
Be cheerful, fit in, or someone might think you're weird.
Life can be perfect.
People can be trusted.
And I'm listening to that going, all right, this punk thing is becoming quite a challenge.
But then it goes and you go, oh, finally, an actual jam.
And then I heard the sex pistols and I go, wow, this is just a rock record.
And then I got crass on the right speed and thought, this is my number one band of all time, forever.
Still are.
And the rest was history.
So I kind of did the same with baseball.
Oh, by the way, just one last thing about punk.
That crass song, White Punk's on Hope, is still, the lyrics are perfect there.
White man's got his problems, and a black man's got his problems as a way to deal with it.
He doesn't need help from you white liberal shits.
If you take a closer look to the way things really stand, you'll see we're all just niggers to the rulers of this land.
Brilliant.
And he goes, something like, racism is a Marxist con is another brilliant line in that song, which it really is.
And we're seeing that today with the left.
They're so determined to just say, anyone right of me is a racist white man.
And Kanye comes along and you go, so he's a racist white man?
Yes.
Their new campaign is, hate has no home here, which means GOP equals hate.
Please don't go with them or it's hate.
I know in the ghetto, we're having two black kids murdered every day in the south side of Chicago.
But trust me, if you go with the GOP, it'll be even worse, if you can imagine.
As Joe Biden says, they'll have you all in chains.
Such a flimsy thing, and it's such a Marxist con.
Sorry, politics leaked back in.
So I did that with baseball.
I'm kind of into it, but I can't like RBIs.
0.357.
What the fuck does that mean?
Can't you just say like percentage of times he hit the ball?
He's at 82%.
Oh, that sounds good.
That's like an A. Oh, he's an F. He's missed the ball F times.
So he fails.
Gotcha.
Good.
He's a failure.
He's a dropout.
He's an MLB dropout.
Got it.
But anyway.
And then the daughter's at that age where you want to help her with all her problems and go beat the shit out of anyone who makes her slightly uncomfortable as a dad.
But you can't do that, even if you want to.
I remember when she was a little kid, there was this girl who was the queen, and everyone around her was a servant.
This is back when we lived in Williamsburg.
And so the queen had like 10 servants.
And if you don't want to be a servant, you can fuck off and you're ostracized.
See what I was saying about the ostracization?
That's even crazier when you're six.
And so I sat down with my daughter and I said, you're a McInnes.
McInnes's don't follow rules.
It's like I said to my son when he wanted to quit snowboarding because it was too hard.
I said, you're a McInnes.
McInnes's don't quit.
We get fired.
So I told my daughter that McInnes's don't follow rules.
We are not anyone's servant ever.
And she goes, okay.
So then the next day she goes to school and says, I'm not a servant.
This is not happening.
You're not my queen.
And now she ate lunch alone.
Way to go, dad.
Good work.
Way to make a little tiny child die with her boots on.
And I don't even know the parameters of the queen servant thing.
Maybe it was a joke.
Maybe it was kind of tongue in cheek and she was like a fat loser and they were pretending she was a queen to make her feel good.
Like when they call a super big guy tiny.
Not that tiny is, I have a friend named Tiny.
I'm not calling you a loser tiny, obviously.
I'm just talking about when nicknames are the opposite of the dude.
Tiny could fucking literally punch my head off with one punch.
You don't want to piss him off.
And he does get in fights with his friends all the time, as we saw last weekend.
Proud of your boy.
But I think the secret to parenting is you just got to be there.
You got to make time.
So when something horrible is happening, they go, Dad, I got to tell you this.
I killed a prostitute.
She's rolled up in a rug in the basement.
And I go, okay, we got to bury the body in Jersey.
Did anyone see you?
Does anyone know about this?
You know, like the teachers' unions.
You got to handle it that way.
But sometimes it's bad to be around too much.
And it's good for them to be bored.
And it's often good for them to cry.
And I know this sounds like, oh, you're in the fun stage now.
The baby stage is a fucking nightmare.
No, dude.
I'm not going to get, we're out of time, but I'm not even going to, I haven't even gotten into the baby stage.
The baby stage, when they're a useless blob, no offense, wife, that's my nickname for her, blobs.
When they're a useless blob, they're the best.
They're born a trimester early.
God gives you them a trimester early because he knows you want to hang out with them, so he pulls them out too soon.
And instead of them being stuck in that belly, you get to hang out with them.
And their breath is this insane smell that is so pure, it's like smelling an angel's farts.
It's just like God's air.
It's obviously never bad, but it's more than just good.
It's like magical.
Like you feel like you could quit eating and water and just be like, oh man, I'm hungry.
Baby breath.
I am replenished.
Or the other doozy, when they fall asleep on your chest and you smell the top of their head, I don't know what shampoo those babies use, but it smells amazing.
And of course, having a baby sleep on your chest is awesome.
Then there's the walking phase.
The first seven weeks is pretty grim.
And I've heard tell that having the baby rip out of your tiny vagina hole is a little uncomfortable.
Word on the street is it can get a little achy.
It stings a little.
It gets a little itchy down there as the human comes out of your hole.
And obviously, gentlemen, my advice for you there is don't look no matter what.
If you ever see a man just standing staring off into space in a catatonic gaze where you think he's too young to have been in Vietnam and you're wondering what he's seen, he looked.
He had a peek and he saw that weird wet hair pushing out of the almost ready to split vagina.
And of course, poo and barf and all that other stuff.
Don't fucking look.
Wear new balance.
Wear something with arches and have a flask.
Don't tell her about the flask.
And go to the bathroom.
Every time you have to pee, have a nice little swing.
Because you could be there for 18 hours.
Oh, and don't make any Muslim comments.
That probably doesn't apply to you.
But she was sitting on a large inflatable ball.
And they put a sanitary kind of a, it looks like a doggy pad on the ball.
It's because you don't want to get cunt juice on it, I guess.
And she's sort of rocking back on the ball and she's about to die.
I mean, this is it.
And I had maybe had a little too many sips.
I said, you know, that's what pregnancy balls wear in Islam because the doggy pad looked exactly like a head covering, like a shawl, like a burqa.
So it looked like a little fat Muslim was, she was sitting on her head.
And I thought that was a funny visual.
You know, alleviate the tensions, like when you ask Nick Cave what kind of lunch she has.
And she said, don't fucking talk about Muslims.
I swear to God, I'll fucking strangle you.
Oh, okay.
Another mistake I made, by the way, during the actual birthing, she had a Gatorade there, and I'm kind of hungover.
And I said, you want some Gatorade?
You want some Gatorade?
No, no, no, no.
So like 10 hours in, I kind of wouldn't mind a little bit of Gatorade myself.
You know, I can't go shopping.
I've got to be here the whole time.
I'm thirsty too, you know.
Look, if you're sitting next to someone and that person gets stabbed in the chest and you get punched in the nose, does your nose not hurt?
Were you not punched in the nose?
So yes, I'm not going through what she's going through.
I'm still a little parched.
I still could do with a refreshment.
So I drank her fucking Gatorade.
That did not go well.
I didn't know that an empty Gatorade bottle could break skin, but if it hits you in the head at over 120 miles an hour, your skin will open up like a woman giving birth.
We both needed stitches in there.
And as he was stitching me up, I said, can you give one for the husband?
And then he laughed.
And then I said, no, but seriously with my wife, can you give one for the husband?
And he said, that's not a thing.
Anyway, make babies.
They're fun.
I wish I could tell you about them now that they're becoming actual people.
But the youngest one is still funny.
The youngest one still says a spellbinding quote every single day.
Like he, my daughter was taking a picture of him with her stupid fucking phone.
Yes, she gets it in the day.
I put it in the case when she gets home.
And he's staring up at her with a mean face, and she takes a picture, and then she goes, and then she shows it to him, this picture of him being tough.
And he goes, don't mess with the jet.
No idea what that means.
He's never seen Westside Story.
He just decided that he was the jet, and you shouldn't fuck with him.
You get quotes like that every day.
It's like being with a funny drunk man.
Anyway, just give it a try, please.
Try the babies.
They're super fun.
And when these people without kids ask you to go out, you just think, God damn it, we're on a different unit.
Like Milo said to me, yes, darling, hi, we're going to that rally on Sunday.
I was thinking about going to Venice after.
How do you feel about that?
Maybe we could spend a couple of days there?
I go, dude, are you insane?
You know how many fucking things I had to do with my son's little league and friends to come in and nannies and all this shit to wrangle so I could go to England just for two days?
I got three kids in baseball and some of them are on several teams.
So no, I can't go to fucking Venice.
They call you at 11 p.m.
Hey man, you want to come out?
We got Coke.
Yeah, sounds good.
Let me get into a time machine to when I'm 29 and I'd love to join you.
I'm almost half a century old with three, four adults that I'm responsible for.
I'm not about to add you to my fucking kid list.
All right, that's enough.
We're out of time.
I think I'll make the next one about writing.
I'm off to London to get beat up at a free speech rally in Speaker's Corner.
Not looking forward to fighting as a 47-year-old man.
It's very tiring.
It's like slam dancing.
You could do it for hours as a teen.
You try it now.
I suggest you try it, by the way, if you're even close to my age.
It's like hockey.
You get heart attack exhausted.
No offense, Alan Thick.
Within a second, within two seconds, you want to commit suicide and you can't breathe.
That's what fighting is like at my age.
But I'll do it if I had some whiskeys.
And again, check out CRTV tonight at CRTV.com.
We just got Eric Bowling added to the show.
They seem to be adding new shows every month, which is exciting.
And there's tons of other plans in the works.
This is not just an internet TV station.
It's growing into something much bigger on a daily basis.
There's, of course, Get Off My Lawn, the show.
And check out this YouTube video I just did where I noticed in a PSA for why Kindergarten kids should talk about gay sex all day.
That I think this one lesbian is showcasing her beautiful sketches of serial killers.
It is so depraved.
And I don't go the Alex Jones route a lot with kids and depravity and thinking everyone is out to murder or molest kids.
But this one is really getting close to justifying conspiracy theories.
I like you more than a friend.
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