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May 1, 2018 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
48:35
Get Off My Lawn Podcast #46 | I never really got tits

In this pornographic NSFW podcast, I get into the different types of tits and why my friend got AIDS. There’s also the time in high school the uncircumcised guys would fight the circumcised guys by wedgie-ing them to death. The moral of all these stories is men appreciate women a lot more than women seem prepared to admit. Basically, we’d sleep with any woman who hasn’t appeared on “My 600-lb life."

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Time Text
I never really got tits.
I grew up in a... My sexual coming of age was in a strange suburb and it was in Kanata, Ontario.
And we were out on the outskirts of the country, outskirts of the city I should say, because there was these cookie cutter homes.
Matt Dillon's first movie, Over the Edge, confronts this phenomenon.
And it was like, buy a farmer's field for dirt cheap.
There's not a lot of farming going on in Canada, it's too cold.
Buy a bunch of land, get a cookie cutter house, maybe three different models, and then just repeat them 200 times, and sell them for cheap, and now you have a suburb.
Unfortunately for the kids, you're bored out of your mind.
In the middle of nowhere.
There was literally cows in my backyard.
So the schools are half Carpies from the neighboring town of Carp with real farmers kids and then half middle class kids with cheap parents, which is usually British immigrants.
Which meant that half my friends had foreskins and half didn't.
I probably told this story before, right?
About the fights we used to have.
We used to do this thing where, although we were all friends, we would split into groups.
Foreskinned guys and non-foreskinned guys.
And we would fight, and the fight took the form of wedgies.
So, when you...
When you're all alone No, sorry when you want to brawl You just start doing the call now the call for circumcised guys was snip snip snip snip snip pretty lame call They sound like minions, but our call was awesome.
It was a braveheart call.
We would go Oh God So, say you're at a party, and this would just empty the party of girls.
God, I hope I haven't told this story before.
Does it ring a bell?
Oh, good.
I told my kids these stories, because they want to know about my high school days.
So you're just sitting in a room, and you look around the room and you go, wait a minute, I think most of these guys are circumcised.
No, no, no.
Most of these guys are uncircumcised.
So then you go, Awoooooga!
And all the foreskin guys get together and they go like shoulder to shoulder and start walking towards the guy who doesn't have a foreskin.
And then he starts getting scared and he starts going snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip.
Like calling for his friends.
And then we go and we give him an atomic wedgie.
That was our bread and butter back then.
Wedgies.
Atomic wedgies.
Every lunch, there'd just be like waistbands all over the floor.
And it was, I remember one time we were at a party at Andy Miller's house, and these snippers were coming at me, and I was the only guy with a foreskin in the, at the, I thought, you know, definitely upstairs.
So they're like, snip, snip, snip, and they're closing in on me, and I just, I yelled, And then all of a sudden, up the stairs come about four kids with British parents to save, literally save my ass.
Speaking of ass, one time this guy we called Cheese, he came up with a trick for these battles.
He wouldn't wear underwear.
So I'm down there rooting around his little orange, freckled ass, basically giving him a butt massage, trying to find his underwear.
It wasn't there, and then look he gave me.
Because I'm rooting around going, what the fuck?
And then we're obviously faced, when you're wedging someone, you're very close to their face.
And then he just sort of looks at me with this big smile like, yes, hello?
It was sort of like a, you ever see a sloth wave goodbye?
They have a nice, calm smile, like, Mmm-hmm.
See you later.
Thank you for helping me cross the road.
Mmm-hmm.
I'm a sloth.
No idea why no one eats me.
I'm right here.
I can't get away.
Eat me up.
Darwin didn't think of this properly.
God did not give me any protection.
They must taste like shit.
I bet sloths are bitter.
And so I couldn't wedge wedgie Paul.
But anyway, with this middle class British culture came a real disdain for white trash, which didn't really affect the farmer's kids.
They were kind of off the reservation.
But amongst the other middle class kids, and one of the things these middle class girls were really against is big tits.
It's like fashion, right?
Like if you talk to a fashion designer, they're not interested in big tits.
In fact, I read about a model recently whose big tits were a major problem.
She was in that movie, she played Amy Schumer's super hot friend in that movie, Almost Pretty, or I'm Pretty, or whatever.
I feel pretty.
That chick, uh, her tits are an issue.
So anyway, when you're a young man in that environment, and you're told tits are gross, you're like, okay, I'm not a tit guy.
I like supermodels like you tell me to.
Even though I lost my virginity to a woman with tits the size of this building.
Which was pretty great, and that's in my book, Death of Cool.
First night she was wearing all white lingerie.
That was something.
Any hoosers.
So I never really understood them.
And most of the girls I dated did not have big hooters.
And then I was talking to a guy, this is like not that long ago, maybe 20 years ago.
And I go, what's with big tits?
Like, what do you do?
You lick them?
You fornicate with them?
Do you put them on your head?
Do you just motorboat or whatever?
And he goes, yeah, that's sort of that.
By the way, the reason I was talking to this guy is because we were talking about Albert Hammond Jr.
from The Strokes that we both knew.
And I said, he's dating some model chick right now, right?
He's always with a model.
And the guy who was fat and 6'3", he goes, yeah, I can't do that.
And I go, what do you mean?
And he goes, I'm a big guy, so I need a big girl.
I need big tits.
I can't do models.
I'll crush them.
And I was like, oh, yeah, you're a tit guy.
I've been meaning to speak to you guys.
What do you do with tits?
Anyway, he goes, no, you don't do anything with them.
It's a visual thing.
And the penny dropped.
Oh.
That's what's up with tits.
You don't, they're not really for your hands, they're for your eyes.
I've been spending all these years not getting them.
And I finally get big tits.
And then I became like a big tit aficionado after that.
In fact, I liked them too much.
There was this one girl, Nancy, I couldn't look at them during the act or it would just be fast forward to the end.
So I had to close my eyes or look away.
They started, if they really started bouncing, they would go in concentric circles that are just basically screaming, look at me, look at me.
And I'd be like, no, thank you.
Not looking at those, or we're at the end of the road!
There is no joy at the tavern as great as the road thereto, as Cormac McCarthy would say.
By the way, guys, I hate to repeat myself, but I cannot recommend enough Kevin Spacey when you're trying to last.
You picture his head floating above the bed about five feet tall.
I have no opinions on Kevin Spacey.
I don't like him or dislike him, but it works.
It buys you at least a minute and a half.
And I've had gentlemen come up to me on the street and say, dude, thank you for the Kevin Spacey tip.
It's way better than doing the alphabet backwards, or World Series champions, or baseball teams.
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
I tried numbing cream once.
KY numbing cream.
It's just like, it's just, you're now fornicating with someone else's phallus.
It's a strap-on.
It's not fun.
Although, I should say, I was listening to Ronnie Munn on Howard Stern, and he, I'm trying to keep this clean, he gets a butt plug.
He has, I think his wife has done him with a strap-on a couple times.
Is that gay?
Uh, yes.
That's pretty darn gay.
But, if she does something with your, that area, I don't think that's particularly gay.
Especially if you just try it once or twice.
If it's a thing you need, and it becomes like a major part of your bread and butter, then that's weird and you're gay.
And I have to admit, I do know a couple dudes who do that.
One of them is giant, by the way.
Huge guy.
And I know he likes when girls do that to him.
Uh, makes me uncomfortable.
And when he's around, I can't stop thinking about it.
It's sort of like in Austin Powers where that dude has a mole on his face.
Actually, that's true of gays too.
When you hang out with gays, even like a gay conservative square like Guy Benson, about 20% of your brain is like, You got fucked in the ass.
You have jizz all over your face.
It goes in your beard.
It gets on your eyelashes.
But, that being said, and this could be my years in Quebec, around French people, I have no aversions to anyone's sex life like that.
That's an extreme example, obviously, and even then I don't care.
But, um, outside of pedophilia, obviously, I couldn't care less what people get up to, and I don't think anything is particularly weird.
Getting rammed with a strap-on on a regular basis isn't even that weird, it just means you're gay.
But, like, the occasional finger in there, whatever, none of my beeswax.
And so when they come up, when they find politicians who have had an affair or something, I go, as long as you're not doing it on a company time, it's none of my business, I don't care.
I think it sucks that you are cheating on your wife, but that's not what I hired.
I didn't hire you as a non-cheater.
I hired you to charge me less money for stuff and to do less things.
I've always said the best politician in the world would be a Japanese man who just sits in the White House and we only teach him one English word, no.
He doesn't know any other words.
And he just sits there and every time someone comes in and talks about a new budget, he says no.
All politicians should be like that.
So, that is why I'm freaked out by giant tits.
No, just kidding.
I love giant tits.
It's weird when you're married, you know, you see other tits and you go, I'll never have those tits.
And it's not like you pine for them.
That's one of the good things about sowing your wild oats.
Because you walk down the street and you see like a skinny black girl.
Yep.
A tall Asian.
Yep.
A feisty redhead.
Yep.
Like you have a file for everyone.
So I think in your wild oats years you should do as much variety as possible.
Horse around with as many girls as you can.
As you can.
I mean, like, types.
If you've already had a short blonde, then that's enough of that.
That blonde that I lost my virginity to, by the way, went great and everything.
And we're middle class, keep in mind.
She has like five kids.
Then she becomes a crackhead.
And I think she pursued it because the sex was better.
And I'm sure sex is great on crack.
I used to hang out with this dude Craig who I met through an anti-immigration thing and I was against immigration from when I was a very young man but it used to be for environmental reasons because I thought the earth was overpopulated and I know that open borders are the number one cause of overpopulation.
I've since strayed from that and now I'm against immigration because it sucks.
But, uh, so we hung out and we went to strip clubs together and did coke occasionally.
And, uh, I'm at a bar with him in D.C.
and he has little purple bumblebee socks.
Little short socks.
And he's wearing shorts.
And I'm looking at his little textured socks.
And you can wear kooky socks with a suit, but when you're wearing shorts and sneakers and you're a normie, like he would wear golf polos and stuff.
It just looks, well, I'll tell you what it looks like.
I said, nice socks, faggot.
And he goes, you know I'm gay, right?
And I said, what?
And he goes, yes, Gavin, you never listen to me.
I'm, and I said, wait a minute, we've been to strip clubs, and you talk about dating.
And he goes, yes, I talk about dating, and I tell every woman I date that I'm bisexual, and I like to be with men also.
And I go, well, I would have remembered that.
You did not make that clear, Craig.
And he goes, I have AIDS also.
I said, you what?
You have fucking AIDS?
This is... I'm joking around with a guy.
Nice socks, fag.
I could have said... I would have normally... A totally normal thing for me to say to a buddy is, nice socks, fag.
What, do you have AIDS?
And it was true.
He is gay and he does have HIV.
And I said, "What, are you gonna die?" And he goes, "I hope not." And he goes, "It's fine, there's a cocktail now." Jesus Christ.
And then I go, "How'd you get it?" And he goes, "At this circuit party in Montreal, the black and blue," which I would go to all the time.
This story is horrible, but I was...
No, I'm not gonna tell that story.
The Black and Blue was a circuit party, like a rave that gays would put on and straights, some straights would go to it too.
There's a weird infiltration going on that Chadwick Moore and Peter Lloyd were telling me about, where women are taking over the gay scene.
Don't worry, I'm not going to forget the original Craig thing.
But did you know that there are women on Grindr?
Grindr is a gay dating app where these men, and I've known gays my whole life, it's still hair whitening how much intercourse they have.
It's just, no wonder you have AIDS.
They say, Fred Phelps says, God hates fags.
Sometimes I think that AIDS is God.
Like, if an insect had sex as much as them, nature would have to come up with some sort of a stopgap.
Peter, maybe he doesn't want me saying this, but he was in New York last week.
He'd had sex with 20 men.
He was there for seven days.
That's three a day!
You're a bit... I don't want... Like, if I was in Motley Crue, I wouldn't want three groupies a day.
I'd be like, how about just after the show we horse around, okay?
I'm good.
I had some stuff this morning and I'm good.
Oh please, it's lunch!
Three times breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
You have as much sex as you have food.
Anyway, he showed me a grinder.
There's chicks!
And it's feminists not liking that there's a man-only space.
So they're saying, we're here to claim our space in this heteronormative, not heteronormative, gay-normative environment.
And so their write-up will say something like, looking for coffee, looking for a friend.
And gays, gays don't really like women.
Like men, dudes like me, we appreciate women.
And we We put them on a pedestal and we're very happy they're here.
We like being just alone sometimes, sometimes, but we secretly worship women.
We see, as Ann Coulter says this, that we see them as celestial because they can create life.
Gays aren't like that.
I'll never forget this time.
My wife's a fruit fly.
She's a big fag hag.
And she was with Jeremy Scott's manager, and I think Jeremy Scott, and a bunch of fashion fags.
And they were posing for a picture.
And at the last second, one of them pushes my wife sort of out of the way and said, this one's just for the boys, sweetie.
And then they do the picture, San's girl.
And I looked at that moment and I thought, there is some latent, deep-seated, and perfectly natural, sexism in the gay community.
And it's the kind of sexism that you see in, like, Islam.
Like, bonafide sexism.
The sexism you get from the Archie Bunkers and the Me's is just like, I don't like when women drive.
They're always in the fast lane and the car's gotta pass on the slow lane.
It's annoying.
But they don't want to prevent women from having driver's licenses.
Gays would.
Gays are Muslims.
Anyway, they're not thrilled about this grinder thing.
They go, what the fuck is she doing here?
I'm scrolling through, trying to find my three of the day, which I don't even know, by the way, if Peter was, that was a lot.
Maybe that's a little.
Maybe that's like, for Lent, they try to take it down to three dudes.
I need some me time.
I'm only having sex with three men a day.
But you're scrolling through and then there's some chick named Lydia with a coffee mug.
Hi, wanna grab some tea?
What?
And then Chadwick Moore, It was telling me that he's starting to see them in clubs.
And it's not fruit flies.
See, this is where it's weird.
We used to take over gay bars because a lot of the girls there were very libidinous.
Probably because they hang around with guys who have three partners a day, so their bell curve of what's normal sexuality gets skewed.
So you do well, straight guys, in gay bars.
But I feel like When we did it, it wasn't annoying because we knew our place.
We were disliked.
We used to go to this club called The Hole.
I'm sure I told that story about the guy with the beer bottle up his ass.
But the whole...
The gays were getting mad that we were taking over the hole.
But we were really taking it over.
We were getting up to 50% of the population.
That's bad.
We're like Muslims in that sense.
When we're more than 10% of the population, it becomes terror.
There's trouble.
But no, what's happening at gay bars is Normal, like, sorority chicks are going to gay bars just, like, as a freak show.
And they'll be at the bar going, oh my god, I just saw two guys, like, Frenching.
I think one of them was going to give the other a blowy.
And they were in the bathroom, you guys.
Ew!
Oh my god!
Let me take a selfie with the gays.
Sort of like rich white people would do in the 70s, they'd go to Harlem for the novelty.
They'd go up there, they'd buy drugs, they'd look at all the Negroes and leave.
The blacks called them boomerangs.
Tacky Theodoropoulos was a boomerang back in the 70s and 80s, going to Harlem.
And that's what's happening in the gay scene.
Anyway, so we would do this at Black and Blue in Montreal.
Okay, I will tell you the story.
I was going down on a girl and she wasn't into it.
And I was listening to a techno band called 808 State in the room.
And I look up and she's staring at me just like someone is watching me on TV.
But I'm monging, as we used to say in Montreal.
And she goes, Oh, 808 State, you like techno?
I have a vagina in my mouth.
I'm like, And she goes, are you gonna go to Black and Blue on Thursday?
And I'm like, yeah, I'm thinking about it.
We were having a conversation through her body.
That ended abruptly.
Anyway, so we go to the black and blue and you know what was interesting about black and blue too?
I've been around trans people since you were in diapers.
I remember trans in the 80s going to anarchist gatherings with punk rockers and back then I remember them being mentally ill gays who would say weird shit about sexualization of children and stuff.
I knew they were nuts back then.
But I also remember a trainee would fuck you up.
Trainees were scary.
They'd beat you with their heels.
You'd never, even gays, like trainees were their own thing.
And at Black and Blue, they had their own area where they would be super high.
They're all drug addicts, by the way.
That's why they go, we're dying.
We have an incredible death rate.
Yeah, you also go home with huge black eyes and don't tell them that you have a penis until the 11th hour.
And you're doing math for days.
So those people tend to have some trouble.
Like, remember Matthew Shepard?
That horrible example of homophobia, and he was beaten because he was gay, and he was murdered, and there's all these movies about it, and liberals still talk about it.
Oh, that guy who burned himself alive!
Oh, no, no, that was someone else, sorry.
Yeah, Matthew Shepard was doing meth, and he got caught up in a bad drug deal, and he got killed by fellow meth heads, whom I think were gay.
At least one of them was also gay.
So it's not an example of homophobia if you're such a meth head that you die.
Anyway, these guys, I remember seeing them at Black and Blue once and they were dancing around and one of them barfed, not remotely unusual, and one of them slipped in the barf and fell in it.
on her dress.
Z's dress.
Got barf all over the ass of Z's dress.
No one blinked.
No one changed their behavior.
No one even laughed amongst the tranny circle, which was way off in a corner.
They just kept dancing.
They were high.
Kept on giving her.
If I was dancing with someone and one of us barfed, we would go, holy shat!
Laugh our heads off, try to take pictures.
That would be the end of the night.
That guy would go home.
We'd get a mop.
We'd leave.
I mean, it would be a huge deal.
Not for trannies!
But anyway, I guess Craig was at the same one.
And he said he had sex for 35 hours straight.
Well, straight's a bad choice of words.
Non-stop.
Like, I go, wait a minute.
If you were to just wiggle your ear, For 36 hours straight, there'd be blood everywhere.
You look at marathon runners, they have to put tape on their nipples because the nipples rubbing their shirt as they jog rips their nipples off.
What the hell does sex, gay sex, do for 36 hours?
Of course you're going to get AIDS.
It's like you're trying to get AIDS.
I almost feel like saying to AIDS, I understand.
I get you, AIDS.
I think the AIDS in his body were sort of doing that emoji that's shrugging.
Like, sorry, dude.
36 hours.
You know, we gave you, we let you write off eight hours.
That was fine.
That was off the clock, but eventually the tax man has to come.
You gotta pay your dues.
So anyway, he got AIDS.
And at my wedding, which we remained friends, at my wedding he got me a double CD of house music and a vial of meth.
That was my wedding present from him.
By the way, that's pretty cheap, dude.
The mixed CD you made, you could have made that for your boyfriend.
He liked Asians.
And Asians who like Asians are called Sticky Rice.
He taught me that.
Colloquialism.
But, um... Yeah, it's a double CD mix, which you could have already made for someone else.
I'll take your word for it.
And then meth.
I assume meth is cheap.
Right?
If it's hillbillies, mostly.
It's gotta be like five bucks.
So anyway, it looks like, uh, it's a vial, the same kind of vial that you buy cocaine in.
And it has, it looks like, uh, stalagmites in it.
It looks like Superman's house.
But, with some oil in there, and you shake it up, and the oil liquefies the mess.
And then, he wanted me to put it on my area.
Mine and my wife-to-be's swimsuit areas.
We're supposed to apply it there.
I'm like, Jesus, Craig, didn't you get AIDS from this very thing?
You're not thwarted, are you?
Is that a gay thing?
They really just... They're not... It's not like reality ever slaps them in the face.
I read recently Jackie Chan, who I think is gay by the way, but Jackie Chan's lesbian daughter is homeless and living on the streets.
And you hear that and you go, well, you're mentally ill.
Sorry, it's America.
There's no true poverty.
If you're poor, you gotta fix it here.
There's no excuses.
And I mean, like, starving.
If you're starving and on the streets, eh, sorry.
I think I read this morning the railroads are offering $25,000 bonuses for anyone who will do hard labor.
It's the same with Britain, too.
I talked to a farmer up there who said, the reason we have a lot of illegal Polacks doing the picking and everything is because British people won't do it.
Young people won't do it.
And I said, what if you paid them 30 pounds an hour?
And he goes, it's not the money.
We've tried raising the salaries.
They don't do it.
I guess I'm making an argument for that.
Open borders.
Jobs Americans won't do.
Well, I think it's indicative of a pattern.
It's like the chicken or the egg thing.
We've had open borders for so long that we've had illegal immigrants doing teenagers' jobs and we've killed teenagers' economic libido.
Now I'm drifting into serious talk the way we usually do on the TV version of GOML.
The podcast is meant to be laid back and groovy.
But yeah, teenagers don't do jobs anymore.
It drives me mental.
Every waiter has an accent.
Even in, like, the suburbs.
Hello, can I get your order, please?
Where are you from?
Oh, I'm from Brazil.
But you're 17.
How did you get here?
I'm actually 21, sir.
What was your pitch at Ellis Island?
I'd like to be a waiter in the suburbs, please.
Where are all the teens?
I have so many stupid, odd jobs around my house that I end up doing.
But the only other person that could do them is, is like a guy that you, a handyman that you'd pay like a hundred dollars an hour.
Who are the teenagers climbing up on the roof risking their lives for 20 bucks?
Anyway, he gave that to me and I go, I'm not doing that, dude.
Um, so I shook it up and I looked at it.
That's cool.
And then I poured it in the toilet and I got some on my fingers and I think I did math through my fingers.
I think I absorbed it through osmosis because I started Sending emails after that on my computer and it was like, you know when Adderall kicks in and you start out on your keyboard like... and then it starts going... and then it's just like... and then it's just...
It becomes a frequency and then you check your outbox and you go, wow, I just sent 850 emails, including about seven to friends from high school that I haven't spoken to in 30 years.
Hey Eddie, what's up man?
But yeah, tits are cool.
Tits are an acquired taste.
I'll tell you what isn't cool, though.
Fake tits.
I did a girl with fake tits once.
Whose idea was that?
The only time men don't like a type of tit, and this is true of men in their late 20s and up.
Young men are very picky about tits.
They don't get They don't really get intercourse.
They don't get beauty.
They're like, ew, she's got an extra roll.
Ew, gross.
There's a zit on her bum.
I'm barfing.
That's greasy kid stuff.
When you get to be 26 and up, you're like, ah, she brushed her teeth.
No thanks.
Or she's too skinny.
There's not enough.
She has no zits on her ass.
No thanks.
Like Napoleon used to ask Josephine not to shower for the week before he came back from battle because he didn't want her to smell like soap.
That's something you have to be a real man to understand.
You should see James Joyce's letters to his wife.
His dirty letters, you farting farter.
Lots of stuff about farting.
Which I get.
But, I've seen a couple terrible tits.
One time there was, we were at a strip club, and there was a woman who had tits that were so meatless that you just take your t-shirt, pull it up by the tits, and now fold it down.
Just cloth.
They were totally empty.
You see this with a lot of African American strippers in New York.
I think, my theory is, could be from multiple abortions.
I think abortions ruin your boobs.
Cause they, maybe they inflate cause when you're pregnant and then when you lose the baby they deflate and that happens like ten times and they're gone.
They say having kids ruins your boobs.
I don't know.
I have not noticed that.
But the one deal breaker, and it's one of two deal breakers with women, the one deal breaker with boobs is completely meatless pizza slices.
Then I would recommend a tit job.
But you shouldn't be having kids, especially not girls, because you want to end that evolutionary trajectory of pizza tits.
You should be the last pizza tit wearer.
Oh, by the way, guys, handy tip.
If you're talking to a girl out of your league, and this is in my movie, How to Be a Man, imagine her having pizza tits, like the worst, most horrible, hairy nipples on earth, and then you're talking to this 10, but you're doing her a favor, because she's a circus freak, and you're much more relaxed around her.
You're like, hey, hi pizza tits.
Meanwhile, you're talking to Gabriette.
Go look up the Instagram, Gabriette.
I think it's the most attractive woman in the world right now.
But if you're gonna talk to a Gabriette, you, uh, deflate her tits in your mind, and now you're talking to, like, a seven.
That's cool.
So anyway there was a strip club where I think I went with my girlfriend and we're talking to this black stripper and as she leaned forward I think we were both so horrified by her terrible tits that I think we involuntarily gasped like and then she sort of held them And by the way, did I tell you about my buddy Clark?
because she was embarrassed of them.
Kind of a strange job to choose if you have terrible tits.
But I've only seen pizza tits like a few times in my life.
They're very rare.
But they're a deal breaker.
And by the way, did I tell you about my buddy Clark, who's in jail?
He was dating a pizza tit.
So, he meets a girl in Ohio, falls in love with her, huh?
Wait, why am I saying huh?
I didn't give you enough evidence.
It's normal to fall in love.
But falls madly in love with her.
He has a handgun, as everyone in Ohio does.
Hollow point shells, I believe, which isn't smart.
Anyway, she goes, I'm going back to Brooklyn.
I'm just visiting Ohio.
And he goes, okay, I'll come with you.
He goes with her.
And this woman is a slut.
And she has terrible tits.
And she's old to be a single woman in New York.
She's like 30, 32, which is ancient in New York.
And her parents pay her rent.
She lives in Williamsburg.
And she just fucks around, parties, and goes on Tinder, and fornicates, and Netflix, and chills, and has people buy her stuff.
Just like, way to go, feminism.
Look what you've done.
Oh, we freed women from the kitchen.
Now they're just colostomy bags for strangers come.
Great.
Way to go.
What a life.
That's fun.
Let's line up an hour and a half for brunch for the rest of our lives.
Like that woman, Amanda Marcotte, who keeps calling me a Nazi in Ceylon.
I just look at her and I think, what wonderful liberation these feminists have given you.
You get to be lonely and old and dumped.
That's great.
Thank God you're not burdened with a family and people who love you and will stand by you forever.
But um Yeah, so he he's living with her in Williamsburg.
This is like a few months ago Our first time I met him I beat him up because he pulled a knife on me And then I thought he had a wire, but it was an insulin pump That's another story.
I think I've already told but he comes back and she's cheating and She's in bed with another guy.
This pizza tits gets around.
And so he gets in a fight with the guy and she starts screaming and she calls the cops.
How many guys are in jail for stupid shit like this?
It's amazing.
I interviewed Michelle Malkin about people wrongfully accused in prison and it is spellbinding.
That'll air on Monday.
We'll show that on Get Off My Lawn.
They're really amazing how many people spend like 20 years in jail based on a woman lying about rape or child molestation.
Pretty rough.
Anywho, she gets in a fight with a guy, she calls the cops, and the cops come, and she says, is he a danger to you?
And she goes, I don't think so, maybe, I don't know.
And they go, does he have anything that can hurt you, any weapons?
And she goes, oh yeah, he's got a handgun in his glove compartment from Ohio.
Now, in the cop world, Getting a gun off the street is a big deal.
There's even like a phrase for it that I forgot.
It's called a collar.
No, it's not a collar.
There's some term for getting an unlicensed gun, which is all guns in New York.
Maybe 10 people are allowed to carry guns.
And you know, with cops, if you arrest a dude in Central Park for smoking a marijuana cigarette and you bring him into the station, you get made fun of.
You catch a girl shoplifting, they go, oh, thanks for helping her.
I'm here with someone who murdered three people.
You got a shoplifter?
Ha ha ha.
They tease you.
They're very mean, cops.
If you jump because you're scared of a Chihuahua, you will be Chihuahua Man for the rest of your life.
On your locker, there'll be Chihuahua pictures.
There'll be a stuffed Chihuahua on your desk.
You'll be that guy forever.
They never let up.
Anyway, the opposite is true of guys who get a gun.
That's a huge deal.
That looks great on your resume.
You're in big with the boss.
You're just, you're set for life.
It's great to get a gun.
So, of course, they're gonna throw the book at him.
Now I thought, I was always told you get five years in prison for having a gun, guaranteed in New York, but that's not the case.
That's if there's other charges.
As far as non-offenders go, first-time offenders, seventy percent of people in the Bronx, for example, don't serve time when they get caught with a gun.
But Clark is, and he's sitting in Rikers right now, Speaking of giant tits, this all comes around.
We brought him a chick, my friend's girlfriend.
We brought his girlfriend with us to visit him at Rikers.
Now, someone said that's kind of a cuck thing.
And I go, not really.
I mean, I wouldn't do it with my wife, but you're behind plexiglass.
So he's just looking at someone.
You know?
And you're not touching her, obviously.
And it's just eye candy.
And also, this guy's in hell.
It's not like he's golfing and you bring him a chick to look at.
Hey, wanna look at some big boobs while you golf?
No, he almost got raped, by the way.
Some giant black dude.
in the shower said, you're going to suck my dick.
And he said no.
And they got into a kerfuffle where he fought him off because he didn't want to beat him off.
And that actually worked out pretty good for him because for all the butt-fucking that goes on in Rikers, it's a very homophobic place.
So they...
Did I tell the story of going to Rikers yet?
They don't like the gays.
So that black dude who tried to bone Clark is persona non grata.
In fact, I think they had to move him to a whole other section.
Anyway, we went down to Rikers with our chick.
We get there and some asshole's already visited them.
You're only allowed one day, so back out we go.
A lot of sad couples.
A lot of single moms with little kids in the visiting section of Rikers with lip rings and bad tattoos and they look really haggard.
They've been through the ringer, these poor ladies.
They've definitely had a, you know, they were performing fellatio for crack portion of their life that you can see on their face.
Kind of like feminists.
Who keeps calling me?
Can you take that somewhere else?
I guess we had an interview today.
Um, but uh, yeah, he went to jail for pizza tits and I said to him, I go, Clark, I understand you're going to jail for a gabriette, but why are you going to jail for tits like that?
And then he just sent me the emoji of the person shrugging because that's what, that's the hand that life deals you sometimes.
Life dealt him diabetes.
He's had worse luck.
Remember the other stripper story with big droopers?
And this, by the way, men like droopers when they get to be 30.
Like long, long hanging tits.
As long as there's meat there, they can be anything.
Like the women have that test right with the two pencils?
We can do like five to ten pencils, new props.
They can hang down like penises during doggie.
That's fine with us.
Please bring it on.
And I've said this to young men, like 21 year olds, and they go, fuck that man.
And I just smile like a sloth and I think, you'll get here buddy, you'll get here.
But we were at the strip club, and this woman with big, saggy dugs, she's a Puerto Rican single mom, and she's wearing the normal stripper uniform, right?
This was at a really seedy strip club, which is the only time you want to go, called Fox's, and it was in Queens, just right by the BQE, right by the highway.
And by the way, that was a big problem in Montreal.
It's so sex positive that the women will have like bare feet and no tattoos and they'll just be very libidinous young ladies that enjoy sex and like to show their bodies off.
And their parents are still married.
And you go, meh, that's not really what we're going for here.
We're going for seedy.
It's a seedy thing.
It's sort of like church, but for busted hoes.
Like you go there to worship busted hoes and admire their beauty.
You don't go there to see horny ladies that enjoy their lives.
That's not cool.
Anyway, so she's fitting the description perfectly.
In fact, she has black socks on.
Like your dad's socks.
So me and Trevor are admiring her, and I'm actually kind of turned on by how gross it looks.
I've always been a big socks with heels guy.
There's nothing... Italians do this so beautifully.
They wear socks with high heel shoes.
It looks so good.
I'm a huge, huge proponent of that.
Even like the ZZ Top girls, the accelerator girls, when they have the little bobby socks.
That's awesome, too.
I'll take any sock with a heel, any day of the week.
Unless it's too thick, like an American Apparel sports sock, that looks stupid.
But like, thin material?
Wow.
In fact, I know a guy who married his wife, and I said, what first marriage?
And he goes, first date.
She had socks with heels, and I fell madly in love with her, and now we're married.
So we go, I like the socks.
What's with the socks?
And she leans down.
And by the way, as she leans down, her boobs are getting in the way of our face.
Like they're in, they're going to hit us in the face.
So she has to grab them and pull them into her so they don't swing and hit us.
And, uh, she says one of my favorite quotes of all time.
She goes, they're for medicinal purposes.
Like, she was mad.
She thought we were making fun of her.
We're being totally sincere.
We both did really enjoy the grossness of the socks with the heels, and her single mom-ness, and her weird, shitty, homemade tattoos, and her chewing gum, and her zit on her ass.
We loved it all.
But she was defensive.
And then she leaves.
And then, like, an hour later, we go, wait a minute.
What does that mean?
Does she have eczema on her feet?
And she has to sort of take the hand lotion and go, And fill the black sock with some sort of lotion and then put it on to keep them moist They're probably just orthopedic I'm realizing now like you know those socks that old people have they have socks and underwear and Spanx and all kinds of things that like support their muscles or something.
I don't really understand how it works But that must have been it But yeah, tits are an amazing, incredible thing.
You know why they were invented, right?
Because we were ass men when we were cavemen, and then we started walking upright, and men just see this face, and they're like, eh, where's your ass?
It's way back here.
Eh, I'm not horny anymore.
And so they go, wait a minute, wait a minute.
I'm growing an ass on my chest.
And so they develop these protruding ass-like things on their chest to keep our interest.
So we're now... So to say, are you an ass man or a tit man?
It's basically the same thing.
Tits are asses.
Which is why I think gays are lying when they say they don't like tits.
Come on!
Who was it, the gay guy on my show on Friday, on CRTV Tonight, I was talking to him after, and he was like, yeah, no, not a tit guy, I don't think, I don't see the appeal.
I get that you guys don't like vaginas.
I understand those are literally an acquired taste, but how can you not like boobs, you liar?
And then the other, hang on, a lot of homos, as you can see.
Peter Lloyd was, Agreeing with me, saying, no, no, no, that's- Chris Barron was the original guy.
He said, Chris is wrong.
Chris is wrong.
We like tits.
And that's why I don't like fake tits.
They're just- the deal's over.
My dad could have fake tits.
So you have something in your body that I can have.
You just- the whole basis of attraction is that we have opposite characteristics, and you're emphasizing those.
Women can grow hair longer than men, so we like women with long hair.
Women have, you know, smaller shoulders, so we like to see your shoulders.
Women have bigger butts and longer, more, longer, you know, thinner, smoother, more voluptuous legs.
So we like high-heeled shoes because they put the butt out and they elongate the leg.
Women get flushed when they're having intercourse, so we like you to put rouge on your cheeks and your lips.
Women have longer eyelashes, so we like you to have mascara on to make your eyelashes even more exaggeratedly bigger.
Women have smaller hands than men, so we like to draw attention to it by putting red nail polish on.
And then fake tits are just, oh yeah, man can make things.
I dated a stripper once who, uh, she, I would make out with her and we went away on vacation together.
She's really cool.
I'm a big fan of her if you're listening.
And, uh, she sat me down about a week into the relationship and said, you need to be spending some time on my breasts.
Because I would be like, make out with the face, make out with the neck, shoulder, everything else, everything down south.
And when I would get to the tits, I'd sort of go, and then every other area but the tits.
Her tits were never touched.
Because I could feel the fucking seam.
I could feel the seam of the bag.
It's like your instinct is to get that out of there.
This is an unfortunate analogy, but my son had a palate expander and you're supposed to go in there into his mouth with a screwdriver and tweak it once a day so it pushes his teeth apart again.
As a parent, you just see something lodged in your child and it goes against all your instincts.
It looks like shrapnel in your child.
You just want to rip it out.
In fact, I said to the dentist, you know what?
This thing has got to come up.
We're good.
I don't want it in there.
I don't want things in my children.
And back when I was single, I didn't want bags in my lovers.
Anyway, the moral of the story is men love 99% of tits.
And women, if you're feeling judged or you feel like there are some unattainable standards that you're being given in society, I guarantee you, That 100% of those unattainable standards were given to you by other women and homosexuals.
Thank you.
Please check out CRTV Tonight with Gavin McInnes every second Friday.
We also have Get Off My Lawn the Show on CRTV.com.
Put in the promo code GAVIN, you get 10% off.
And this podcast... Oh, I got a big... I'm going to a free speech rally with Tommy Robinson on Sunday.
Antifa have said they're going to be there to kill us, so there's going to be a brawl.
I'm a 47-year-old man going to a riot on Sunday to fight.
That'll be fun.
My old white beard in a fistfight.
And then we'll be back Monday.
I think I'll air the Michelle Malkin interview on Monday, which I highly recommend.
She's talking about hospitals kidnapping kids so they can have a research subject, and she's talking about cops in jail for 20 years based on a lie.
It's really... my mind, as I said yesterday, looked like Kurt Cobain's by the time she was done telling me all this.
Anyway, I like you more than a friend.
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