While it’s fun to sow your wild oats, I want to make the case for moving on here. Young people, partying and getting STDs is fun for like, a decade, but it gets old around 25. Try moving on to the next chapter. Feminism and porn is making both of you think there’s no point to life but take it from someone who crossed over to the other side, there is another world out here. Also, married people, can we stop treating divorce like it’s a casual trip to the dentist. It’s a brutal procedure that destroys kids lives (the same kids I was just trying to sell marriage to). Traditionalism may be uncool but ignoring its merit gets sadder and sadder as you get old.
I'm kind of fascinated by divorce, which isn't a very romantic thing to be fascinated by when you're married, but I don't know, man.
I was just with my relatives on the weekend and I was talking to my cousin's wife, whatever the hell that is.
And I was saying, so what's going on?
You have siblings?
She goes, well, yeah, yeah.
You know, I have a step sister from my dad's first marriage.
Well, I was, my dad left and then that I was adopted by my stepfather and then he, they broke up when I was 18.
Then he remarried.
So their kids, and this is usually the story, right?
For about, 50% of the population.
Sorry, I just ran down the hallway.
And every time I get this explained to me from the children of divorce, which is my generation, Gen X, and everyone after that, I just think, what a mess.
What a terrible mess your parents made.
I think that one of the reasons my wife and I are attracted to each other initially is because she comes from two parents who are together, I come from two parents who are together, and we knew we'd both be in it for the long haul.
And there are some rocky times!
Yeah, there's some ups and downs.
In algae I always use it's like moving to China.
We have to learn a new language, and you gotta ride it out.
I've lived in China for a while.
It sucks.
Not a very inspiring episode, is it?
Marriage doesn't suck, but...
If you were to move to China, you'd have to learn Chinese and read the Chinese newspaper and eat their gross food, learn about the culture, and then you'd probably get into it.
And then I bet three years in, you're sort of like, Yes, I can say nigga if I'm speaking Mandarin.
It means this.
When we were last there, Booyah means no and and uh nigga means that.
So people were always soliciting I'd say you want fake watches blah blah and I just kept saying booyah nigga booyah nigga up and down.
That was a common joke for a while you'd say um that's why I hate chinks so much they're racist they say nigga all the time.
You can't do jokes that funny anymore though they're too complex and people take everything at face value like when I did A video for Rebel called 10 Things I Hate About the Goddamn Jews.
And it was clearly a parody of people who just read headlines and don't go farther than that.
And then everyone gets mad at the headline.
And you go, yeah, that's what you're supposed to do.
You are a parody.
You're part of my parody now.
You're in the joke, you dummy.
Wow, that's an intense tangent.
Anyway.
Marriage, obviously, there's the easy part at the beginning, and then you start having kids, and there's, you know, you gotta, you decide to move, you move cities, your jobs have ups and downs, and that's when it's like moving to China.
That's when it gets tricky.
And you just ride it out.
You can have a bad year.
You sleep in a different room, sleep on the couch.
You're gonna be in the doghouse, especially if you're like me and you're a drunk.
There's gonna be some rough patches.
But To just give up is a strange phenomenon and I remember as a kid in the 80s my dad's that's when it blew up I would say 1980 before that you would you'd handle it even though my grandmother was divorced in 1955 but um For the most part, it's a baby boomer thing, and they're spoiled brats who ruined the world.
That'll be a whole other podcast about how they quadrupled the price of education and divided the quality by four, how they destroyed real estate and all of a sudden it takes you your entire life to pay off your house.
They just ruined everything in their obsession with multiculturalism at all costs and affirmative action, destroyed meritocracy.
They suck.
And if you want to know Check out baby boomers who have looked into this, like Paul Begayla.
He did a great article a long time ago called The Worst Generation.
He's like the reigning expert on why baby boomers are terrible.
You don't have to take it from a non-boomer.
Plenty of boomers recognize this.
But one of their first terrible inventions was divorce.
And my parents are Scottish, they're very generous, like they're into They're into guests.
You know, posting is crucial in Scotland.
In fact, if you're in Scotland and you're visiting someone, his dad will check on you guys.
Even if you're 22.
And say, everything all right here?
You sure you're having a good time?
Right?
Now, it's expected, of course, that when these Scottish people come to your country, you'd roll out the red carpet.
So, we always had people staying at my house when I was young because, uh, I don't know, Canadians aren't like that.
They can afford to be a little, uh, a little more warm.
Could be the weather.
Although it's pretty cold in Scotland too, but so anyway, sorry.
So I'd have these guys sitting on my couch, sleeping on my couch for weeks at a time while they got their lives together.
This is the days where they wear the short-sleeved dress shirts, have brown striped tie, and brown slacks, and black socks, and low corny loafers.
And it kind of, after they'd sleep on your couch, there was a weird smell, a man smell.
It's like toothpaste, pee, and beer.
And shit, and B-O.
Very subtle though, it's not like it was overwhelming, but I just was like, oh, this isn't my family couch anymore, now it's a guy's bed I'm in.
But inevitably I would see these guys get very depressed, right?
Suicidal.
Have a horrible custody battle with the kids.
And even when things go cool with the kids, I hear these stories and I'm like, I would blow my head off.
You see your son every Wednesday and then every second weekend?
That's a cool uncle.
Like, I probably see your kid more than that.
Your kid comes over to my house for playdates more than you see your own kid.
That's horrific, and that weekday sucks, because kids have, you know, little league baseball, and soccer, and whatever, track, and then they have their homework, and then they have dinner.
Sometimes you only see them for half an hour.
So you waited a whole week for that Wednesday dinner, and it's just like, yeah, hi, whatever.
Not that kids are very talkative, by the way, at dinner, especially if you've gone from dad to cool uncle.
And that's a great case scenario.
Other cases, you don't get to see him at all.
Holy Lord.
I cannot even imagine that.
Everyone seems to talk about how cutting your revenue in half is the rough part.
I could not care less about that.
Not seeing my kids?
I would become a weird dude.
I'd be like the Punisher.
I'd be like Charles Bronson in Death Wish.
I would just wake up at 8 p.m., have a bowl of mac and cheese and a protein shake, do pull-ups, and then assemble my gun for that night's assassinations of bad guys.
I'd become a superhero, I guess.
That's kind of cool.
That's the upside.
I'd become Batman.
Broke Batman.
That's what I would be if I got divorced.
But these guys, who sleep on the couch, they would end up marrying a woman who was just like the one they just left.
You know, we hear about these trophy wives, and oh, remember in the movie Husbands and Wives with Woody Allen?
What's her name, Judy Davis?
She goes, um, oh men, they love you till you show your age, and then they want to trade you in for a younger model.
I don't, I don't see that.
I don't see a lot of these guys with the, you know, the stereotype is they get a convertible and then they start dating some 22-year-old.
They can't afford a convertible.
They just got divorced.
And the 22-year-olds are not interested in old men.
Sure, there's, you know, some who screw their professor and stuff, but they don't want to live with him for the rest of their lives.
They're just banging a professor because it makes their friends think they're kooky.
So the idea that you're going to end up with some blonde bombshell who's half your age is a myth.
And here's the other part of that myth.
Women institute divorce 70% of the time.
Now, I often say they're driven to it, but the jury's still out on whose fault it is.
Obviously, there's a lot of bias when you look this up, but...
I think one thing that could be happening is women's libidos peter out as they get older because that's genetic, right?
God doesn't want you to breed when you're going to have an autistic kid and you're going to be too old to be a good parent.
So he put some checks and balances in there called miscarriages.
Um, and so you're lying underneath a guy and you're like, why am I screwing this dude?
I don't want to.
Then your dad dies.
This is, I'm talking about the woman and it leaves him like a hundred grand or whatever, maybe more, 500, depending if you're middle class.
And then she goes, Hey, I'm independently wealthy now.
And plus if I divorce him, I get 50%.
So I could just be going out for lunch with my gay friends and not having to deal with this dude.
And so they institute divorce.
Another angle is, Men drive them to it by ignoring them.
And they have their own thing, they have their own routine, they go to the pub, they lose interest.
I think porn is a massive part of this kind of divorce, where the husband loses interest.
You know, you gotta work for it.
It's not easy to get laid when you're married.
It's not like it is when there's no kids around.
She's drained from being with the kids all day.
You have to seduce her.
It's like a date.
By the way, great way to seduce your wife.
Bottle of wine.
Buy it.
Don't do flowers.
I'm not a flowers guy.
It makes you look like you cheated.
You look guilty when you bring home flowers.
Hi, honey!
I'm sorry!
Get her a nice buzz.
Watch her shows, Real Housewives.
And then comment thoughtfully about the show.
Now you've been bonding.
Now, you know, you're pulling her out of mommy territory and into, like, we're a couple again.
Then you can usually pull it off.
If you take it easy.
Maybe, you know, would you like a massage?
Something like that.
Ease your way in.
Of course, you do all that work, and some asshole has growing pains, or a nightmare, and then he comes into the room, or she, and you go, you just look at them and you think, thanks bitch, you just blew my whole date.
And then you go, oh no, you had a bad dream?
Well, okay, it's okay now, why don't you, why don't you go back to your bed and understand that monsters don't exist, this is just a stupid bad dream, I have nightmares every single night.
I wake up at four in the morning with the dars, as the Irish say, the horrors.
And I think it's my liver saying, can you get up and get me some water?
I'm just trying to clean this blood here and I'm out.
But I don't go crying to my mommy.
Anyway.
But a lot of, a big part of porn is, I should do a whole episode on porn too.
Big problem with porn is, you're in the doghouse, and you go, fine, good.
I'll go have virtual sex with an infinite number of 8.2s.
So now you can't starve me.
I'm like a dog, in that I need my owner to supply me with food.
And I can't generate my own food.
I don't use RedTube or YouPorn.
So if I'm in the doghouse, then I'm gonna starve to death.
It also gives you incentive to stay out of the doghouse.
And by the way, as a side note, I've noticed porn, I've seen it ruining young men's lives.
I've always had interns, I've always been around young people, and within the past, say, five to ten years, closer to five, I've noticed these young people go, yeah, I'm a virgin, with no stigma.
I was a 17-year-old virgin, and I was the laughingstock of my gang.
Like, I was almost beaten for being such a loser, being so late.
There was a huge stigma there.
In fact, they ended up setting up a session with this libidinous girl in school who was pretty easy.
And they said, she's at her house right now.
If you don't come over and do this, we're going to kick the crap out of you.
So I was raped, basically, I just realized.
That's how I lost my virginity, to rape.
That's all in my book, by the way, The Death of Cool, which I highly recommend.
Apolitical, very raunchy, and unbelievably hilarious.
But these young millennials, they talk about it and they go, yeah, yeah, I'm a virgin.
Big whoop.
And I go, well, you gotta quit porn, because that'll give you the incentive to get off the couch.
You'll come home after a hard day's work, and you'll be tired watching Netflix, and someone will say, hey, there's a party on eucliptus and maple.
I don't know why I said that.
And you'll go, you know what?
I gotta eat.
N's gotta eat.
And so you'll go to that party, and you'll do well, too, because you'll be sober.
And, by the way, I invented this this we call it no wanks with this comedian Dante Nero and we did it as a dare to see if we could go a month and then after that we go we're actually done for life because we were just smarter singing in the shower more on top of stuff crossing things off our to-do list we were just better human beings and by the way you go well what if my wife's pregnant or whatever no no no you can only
Uh, ejaculate within one yard of your significant other.
So if she's pregnant or not in the mood or whatever, you just have to have, and she has to be awake and consensual.
You just have to have some sort of exchange.
You can be doing all the work on yourself.
I guess the word is masturbating.
As long as she's there.
So you're establishing a connection.
So you're maintaining, uh, a connection.
You have connectile dysfunction in your relationship and you need to take Viagra.
Uh, and it's definitely helped my marriage.
Not beating off.
Not doing porn.
I kind of invented something experimental you might want to try.
It should go down in the marriage history books.
I feel like there should be a day of the year for me for inventing this thing.
You ready for it?
It's called the female doghouse.
What do you think about that?
Yeah, no, no, no.
I'm not in the doghouse.
You're in the doghouse.
Now, obviously, a big part of the doghouse is refusing sexual relations with a lady, with a person, and that's much harder on dudes than it is on chicks.
So, it's sort of like Bobby Sands going on a hunger strike.
The Brits kind of want you to die.
So, refusing sexual relations with a woman, especially when she's getting older, is not exactly the harshest punishment in the world.
So, there's a difference like dog years.
Like three, four days, five days of a man being in the doghouse is brutal.
That's a life sentence really.
To put a woman in the doghouse?
My friend, you're looking at two weeks.
So it's a slog.
Meanwhile, you're starving to death.
So it's, it's very dangerous and you might die, but I've tried it a few times and it, I think it works.
I would say it works.
I actually stole the idea.
From the dude, David Chang, who started Mama Fuku.
He was with this supermodel, who was a friend.
He's an incredibly wealthy dude, but he's single.
Actually, this was a couple years ago.
He might be in a relationship now.
The vet is calling me about my dog, like I care if he lives or dies.
You might as well be calling me about my neighbor's dog.
He realizes it's not going anywhere.
So he comes up with this concept.
He puts her in the friend zone.
David Chang, he should be in this book too.
The Book of Great Men.
There should be a novel of unbelievable relationship moves that men have invented.
I mean, we've got the light bulb and all that stupid electricity stuff.
What about a book for relationships that men have done?
I deserve to be in there for the female dog house.
Not a lot, maybe a chapter.
And David Chang deserves a special spot, a special day of the year for, we could do 365.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
We should make a calendar of it.
And David Chang gets one for inventing, putting a chick in the friend zone.
So out of the blue he says to her, you gotta help me find a guy, I almost said.
You gotta help me find a date.
Do you know any cute girls around?
Obviously she's thinking, uh, I'm one of the most beautiful women in the world.
What about me?
But the fact that he had just said to her, uh, I'm looking for girls and you're clearly not the one.
You're not my cup of tea.
All of a sudden it was him not wanting her instead of her not wanting him and he changed the whole power dynamic.
I guess I should check up on that and see how it went.
But even if it didn't go anywhere and he didn't get her, he still saved the humility of being in the friend zone, being placed in the friend zone.
He put the cops in jail instead of the cops putting him in jail.
So even if nothing happened from it, he's left with with face, as the Asians say.
And, not to mention, she's gonna feel inspired, because no one's probably ever asked her that before.
She's gonna be inspired to say, what about my friend Mandy?
She's an ugly 8.1.
She's way lower on the scale than me.
I could do some charity work, and you're like, yeah, 8.1, I'll take it.
So, um...
Yeah, I really think that porn ruins marriages because it takes the incentive away.
And I think porn is really hard on millennials because it gives them an excuse not to deal.
Especially these days when feminism has made women really annoying.
Millennial women must be a nightmare to deal with.
I see friends show me, uh, what's it called?
Tinder profiles where they're like, if you're mega, get lost.
And no one, I'm pansexual and I'm non-cis.
Jesus, dating them must be a nightmare.
I've actually heard some stories.
Like a friend of mine told me a story where she goes, this is dating if you're a millennial, this is why they turned to porn.
She goes, uh, can we get some Coke?
And he goes, okay, I'm not advocating drug use here.
Drugs are very bad, but this is a story a guy told me.
And so he gets her some.
It's $80 now, apparently.
Big vial, which to me, that's like three days worth.
I mean, do you want to be up all night?
When I didn't do drugs as a young man, it was a $20 bag.
Anyway, he gets her some.
She goes, okay, I'm going to take her to the bathroom.
This is, the date's barely begun.
Uh, I don't think they had anything to eat yet.
Maybe they had some apps at the, uh, at the bar.
And she comes back and she goes, sorry, I dropped it in the toilet.
Oh, well.
And he's like, well, you're not really acting like someone who dropped it in the toilet, but okay, and what am I gonna do, search you?
Actually, that would have been a trip.
What if he searched her and found it?
That would have been hilarious.
But, uh, he goes, oh, okay.
And then they get the bill, and he figures, well, you blew $80 by quote-unquote dropping it in the toilet.
I presume you're gonna help with the bill.
No help with the bill.
They like that part of traditionalism, by the way.
The bill-paying thing.
That's the only good part of the patriarchy, is buying me free stuff.
And then he waits and waits, she doesn't pay the bill, so he pays the bill, and then they're walking home, and, you know, they've had some drinks, and he's doing what all men do on dates, he tries to get invited upstairs, and he goes, let's just go up to your place, just, what, Netflix and chill or whatever the kids today say, and she goes, nah, I don't think so.
He goes, we'll just go up for a second, just a little nightcap, just a little, have a shot or whatever.
You have any booze?
He's like, no, I don't think so.
And he goes, oh come on, just, just, we'll go up, look, I'll go up, have one drink and leave.
This is all normal behavior, right?
This is how you, this is how I met my wife.
And she goes, look, I said, no, this is getting creepy and dangerous.
Oh, okay.
Now it's a me too thing.
Now it's a rape that I want to go up to your room.
And so he went home and that was, that's a millennial date.
So I throw around a lot of blame for the lack of marriage and the prominence of divorce, but, uh, There's there's culpability on all fronts, you know, I mean and even these single women who I make fun of them I call them spinsters and I say haha you smash the patriarchy when you smash your ovaries at the same time But no one's proposing to these girls either.
These guys are at home masturbating after driven there by feminism.
So we're dealing with a hell of a mess Just like the mess I said earlier when I was talking about When I talk to divorced people about who, so what's going on now?
Did I already say that?
I'm confused.
I was talking earlier, I hope, about when I talk to divorced people about their siblings and that, oh, it's my stepbrother, and no, that's the second marriage.
And then I call this, no, that's not my dad.
That's my stepdad.
I call him Mark.
I call my dad, dad.
But then after Mark left, I had a new dad.
That's Kevin.
Oh, okay.
So you have 32 stepbrothers, what?
It's a tangled web we weave.
And if you would just, if you would just wait it out and go through the bad things, you can even do a thing, this might go in the book too, called divorce.
Where you mentally divorce your wife.
Because I wrote an article about this on Tackymag called Divorce Your Wife, and just like the 10 things I hate about Jews, everyone just takes the title literally and ignores what's below it.
It's kind of, you know, you're tricking people into mocking themselves for being lazy.
But no one minds when you say divorce your wife.
They should.
It's an epidemic that ruins lives, but they're more concerned with Nazis.
But your marriage isn't going well.
Maybe, you know, you both drink too much.
Maybe one of you drinks, the other doesn't.
Maybe one of you has too many hobbies.
Chuck Zito talks about this in Street Justice.
We realized going to the Hell's Angels Club, becoming a biker, ruined his marriage because he wasn't around.
So that's just like a hobby.
Because I think it was a... I'm very careful, by the way, talking about Chuck Zito because he will knock you out if you say something bad about him.
But I would wager That him being a biker was somewhat of a hobby and a lifestyle.
And wherein said habits led to him not paying attention to his kid and his wife.
So there's a myriad of reasons.
And what people do is, oh well, I'll get divorced and start from scratch.
And then you check in on them later and they basically have the same relationship but with a different person and less kids and less fatherhood.
That's another disturbing thing too about divorce.
Every time you talk to these people or they do a little video, Uh, about it.
They always talk about how it's better for them.
And, oh, I don't have to go, I can have dinner whenever I want, and I can do this and that, and I get to live free, and I don't have to worry about my- One of them I saw, it said, I don't have to worry about my husband getting the kids all riled up with playtime before bed, and then I have to put them down when they're all hyper.
Oh, no.
Your- your husband had fun with your kids, and helped bond with them?
What a horrible human being.
Meanwhile, you know, not doing that is child abuse.
Not having a dad to play with at nighttime is child abuse.
But they never mention how not having a dad hurts the kids.
Like, I talk about Louis C.K.
with this, where he brags, basically, about his divorce, and he has that bit where he goes, never say to someone, oh, I'm so sorry, when they say they got divorced.
And he says, when you're talking to someone who's divorced, they never got out of a good thing.
They never just got out of a fun marriage.
Actually, they often do, because they were cheated on.
But anyway.
And he says, they always got out of a bad thing.
So you should be saying, oh, you're divorced?
Congratulations.
But I go, ever heard of kids?
And he's under the impression that he's a great dad, because for three days, they get pure, unfiltered dad.
That's half of a dad.
Well, what about military guys?
They're not around sometimes for the better part of a year.
Yeah, but the kids understand that their dad made a huge sacrifice and he would be there if he could.
Not his parents got bored of each other and he moved to a neighboring town and the courts won't let him be the co-parent the way he should on a daily basis.
I've also talked to divorced people, by the way, and they say that they're kind of like pariahs in their neighborhood because They represent a split marriage.
So whether they're male or female, married people don't want them around in case they do that thing also in Husbands and Wives where Judy Davis goes, I like being single.
They think you might sell it too well and then I'll lose my marriage.
So people avoid them.
And they're obviously not there to ruin other marriages.
They're just trying to normalize everything, especially for the kids.
But they've made themselves into burn victims.
Elephant men.
And they have to walk into the local bar, local restaurant and say, I'm not an animal!
I'm a human being!
Well, you disfigured your family.
So you look weird.
And I'm amazed at how many, you know, rough patches I've been through in my marriage, where I look back and I just think, shank!
God!
We didn't throw it all away for some stupid fight.
Thank God!
And the other thing about marriage too is you go through different levels.
And you end up looking back over the two-year marriage relationship and they look like a bunch of little kids and you go, you call that a marriage?
What a bunch of losers you are.
Or you look back on when you had one kid and you go, one kid?
Yeah, nice family, nerd.
And I keep looking back at my previous marriage.
As kid stuff.
I'm at the point now where I love her bones.
So she could become a burn victim or paralyzed, but I just love the core of her.
I know that sounds super gay.
And by the way, people who aren't in marriages, you wonder why all we do is complain about our significant others when we're at the barbecue?
It's because this stuff is nauseating for me to talk to you about how if my wife were to shave her head or grow her hair long, I don't really care.
I'm into the actual skeleton.
But anyway, back to that thing about divorce.
So you can divorce your wife.
So you go, uh, we're drinking too much or I have too much of a hobby, blah, blah, blah.
And so you break up with her mentally in your mind.
Boom, we're done.
Now you're looking for someone who is your type, attractive wise, who gets along with your kids, who, you know, it wouldn't break the bank, uh, to, to be with her.
Um, and, uh, you could not have to move.
I know.
How about your wife?
So divorce your wife in your head, then recourt your wife and start a new life with your wife.
You don't even have to tell her that you divorced her.
You just are courting this lady who has the same name as your wife and the same head.
And you recourt her and start your marriage again.
Totally silently, if you want.
They don't have to hear about it.
I really don't recommend couples therapy, by the way.
I've never been, I never would ever go, and everyone I talk to, it's just like the final, it's the death knell before divorce.
They go in there, they get too honest, they complain, they say things that they can't take back, deep-seated things about, I don't know, lusting someone else or something I really don't like about you to your core, and then the couple can't get over it.
I heard this one guy told me he went to couple therapy and she said, okay, first question I always ask a couple, um, what do you guys do when you have free time?
When the parents have the kids, you're on vacation or something, do you have sex?
And they go, yes, like we're like rabbits.
And she goes, okay, good.
Well, we can start fixing this.
And then he says, wait a minute, what would you have said if I said we don't have sex?
And she goes, well, we would start a dismantling plan, you know, to get you out of this.
He just thought that was funny?
I think that is depraved.
I think a lot of these couples therapists are saboteurs who have had their own terrible relationships, their own divorces, and they want to subject everyone else to it.
Misery loves company, and I think they're evil.
And I know of concrete examples of this, where a guy was going out with a girl, they were doing great, he was about to propose, she went to a therapist or whatever, and they do that whole, you don't need him, That's the thing, that's what I wanted to get to.
With the general attitude here, especially with women, even with professional women, who are in therapy or whatever, and running these sessions, their attitude is, you don't need that, girl!
And maybe it's a chick thing, where you want to encourage your fellow woman, and they just go, girl, you don't need that, get out of there!
You don't need him.
You're a woman.
Here you roar.
Don't work on it.
You're not a slave.
What are you?
You're going to be his bitch?
You're going to be in the kitchen making him a sandwich?
Screw that.
You could be the President of the United States.
So tell him to fuck off.
And they ruin relationships.
And by the way, that other case I'm telling you about, he did propose and she said, no, I gotta get out of this relationship.
He was smoking too much pot.
Now, he stopped smoking pot and got in shape, and then she said, God, I wish he'd done that when I was around, and then she was crying, and why didn't you fight for me?
I hear that all the time.
Another guy, Mexican couple.
He's a professor, art school, down there.
She gets married young.
She's like 22.
He's 32.
They break up a few years into the marriage.
She says she's too young.
He goes, okay.
Marriage is over.
He sees her at a party a few years later.
She's bawling her eyes out.
Why didn't you fight for me?
In the bathroom, crying her mascara off.
And she's right, by the way.
Another guy I know proposed.
She was in her mid-twenties.
She thought she was too young, said no.
They got on with their lives.
Five years later, she sees him.
I'm so sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.
I thought I was too young.
By the way, when you say I'm too young to get married, aren't you saying I need more cocks?
There's not a lot of variety of penises, by the way.
I've been to many gyms.
I've had many male friends.
I'm not shy about nudity.
Most of us aren't.
If we're going, you know, camping or fishing or going on a trip, our dicks are everywhere.
And they all look pretty much the same.
Some are bigger than others.
Mine is obviously much larger than most, but it's still not, you know, a circus freak size.
And I bet vaginas are similar.
You know, that whole wiener down the hallway thing is bull BS.
We all have pretty much Similar genitalia.
I'm sure pornography gives you crazy ideas about things, but for the most part, we're all in the same kind of average range.
So the idea that you need a whole bunch of variety... What?
It's not food.
It's a dink.
Says the guy who hates blowjobs.
Just kidding.
Um, so, yeah, in all these cases, this flippant attitude shatters lives and shatters families and takes parents away from their kids.
These people should be arrested.
And that, that couple therapist I was telling you about, I'll just finish the story now, she goes, he says, well, what if I had said we don't, we don't fuck like rabbits when we're on vacation.
And she said, yeah, we'd start dismantling it.
And I thought, wait a minute, that's like, you're going to your local priest.
And you say, hey, I've been having these thoughts about atheism and how frivolous it all is and this stupid Santa Claus in the sky who made the world and...
Well, we were, but our pets go to heaven.
I just, I'm having, I'm having trouble with my faith.
And that's like a priest saying, oh, well, well, if it's not working out for you, we should start coming up with a plan to dismantle this, to end this.
That's not your job as a priest.
You want to maintain the religion, to maintain the tradition, maintain the faith.
These couple therapists, that should be their same thing.
We're here to fix your relationship, not help you dismantle it.
That's the danger of that kind of stuff.
Don't listen to them.
They are bitter chicks.
They're angry women who want revenge on the world.
Because that's the irony of all this empowerment and feminism, is it ends up punishing women more than men.
Even the whole don't get married, you're still sexy, you don't need a ring on it.
That ends up with these lonely spinsters.
Guys, we can always get laid.
You know, the 22-year-olds don't want to marry us, but there's always stuff hanging around.
I have a friend who's about 50.
And he shows me his dating app.
And he doesn't want little kids.
He'll go like 40 to 50, I think, is his range.
And sometimes he'll actually let me choose them on the app.
And I'm looking at these and I'm going, very reasonable.
Yes, please.
Fantastic.
Great.
Yep.
Yep-er-doodle.
You don't want me running your dating app because I just keep going, yes, yes, yes, yes, sure, sure, yep, yep, yep, yep-er-doodle, yep, yep, yep.
Yes to everyone.
I'm very picky.
I was when I chose my wife, but otherwise I'm not very picky.
So yeah, the moral of the story here is that family is about a lot more than you.
And Naomi Schaefer Riley writes about this, where she says a big problem with marriage these days is they think they need their soulmate.
She has to like the same team as you, and you guys sit up in bed and gossip, and you call her three times a day.
Honey, I just saw the biggest eagle I've ever seen in my life.
It might have been a bald eagle.
That's not what a marriage is.
A marriage is a perpetual first date.
You're always doing your best.
Every time you fart around your wife, a blowjob loses its wings.
You shouldn't even share the same bathroom, if you can.
If you can get away from that.
You always want to be presentable.
Don't wear sweatpants and Lululemons every day.
Brush your hair.
Shave your... You always want to, you know, keep her interested.
And she should want to do the same for you.
Ladies, don't cut your hair short.
You look like a weird boy.
And when you do that, when you get a family, you present a scenario to your children that says, love exists.
I love you.
We're not selfish.
We're here for the long haul.
You teach them about commitment, all kinds of things, even outside of love, about how important family is.
And that's what a community is.
And the community is what a society is.
And a society is what a culture is.
So when you get divorced, you're shattering Western culture.
And much more importantly, you're shattering those children's lives.
And Ladies, if your husband dies or he's a piece of shit, he walks out of the family or he cheats on you, you have a moral obligation to get remarried.
I know a lot of couples and people who they, there's some sort of catastrophe or some horrible thing happened, especially with, with boomers who weren't that used to divorce and they were single and they just raised the family as a single mom.
That's not cool.
You gotta get shacked up.
Mary Catherine Ham.
She lost her husband in a horrible bicycling accident.
He was bicycling for charity.
She's gotta find a man.
You gotta get moving.
Everyone was criticizing Patton Oswalt because he got married so quickly after his wife passed.
Nope.
He's doing the right thing.
His daughter needs a mommy.
And this is very sad, but soon that mommy will be her mommy and she won't even remember the first mommy.
That's an unfortunate thing, but dying is dying.
You gotta move on.
And...
The more you stay married, there's really two trajectories here, right?
There's the family aspect with the kids, and that's just, I can't emphasize how crucial that is.
And you're kidding yourself if you think co-parenting is totally awesome.
No, it's not.
It's 50% parenting.
You've now divided your parenting in half.
So that should be pretty simple.
But then the relationship part, marriage has really got a bad rap.
We're really lazy about commitment.
We're so quick to throw it in the toilet.
I mean, our parents threw it in the toilet, so why not?
But I can't explain to you how much it evolves and how better it gets.
It's like learning a language.
You know, first you can just say, hello, I would like sandwich today.
Then you can start understanding conversations.
The next level, you can start hearing songs and getting the song lyrics.
The next one is you watch TV.
and can follow the news.
Now you're reading books in that language.
Now you're working on your accent.
I'm sure it's like playing the piano.
You get to like level 32, and you go, whoa, this is intense.
And I feel that way about marriage.
They say, oh, it's the same hamburger every day for dinner, same cheeseburger.
No.
Tom Shalhoub and I talk about this all the time.
It's the same kitchen every night.
So you walk into the same kitchen and you scratch your beard and you go, What about kind of a fresh pasta?
Maybe with just a, not pesto, but just a splash of basil?
Maybe we should try that.
Or you know what?
Let's just have appetizers tonight.
No main course.
Just mozzarella cheese sticks.
What about just a salad?
That would be the equivalent of just spooning, I guess.
But you can do all these different things and don't give up.
And when I see these people who got divorced, they don't go, wow, I'm so glad that's over.
They go, I guess we could have worked it out.
There's another problem here too, especially with women, where human beings can sort of erase the past because otherwise you're living a life of regret.
So when you look this up online, all the articles are like, I love being a single mom and divorce totally rocks.
And I love having cancer.
It's cool being bald.
So it's hard to get a straight answer out of people, but I can see, I see in kids, I see in the children of divorce who are in their forties, many of them, I just see regret and a huge mess, a huge pile of shit they made for themselves.
And they did it out of laziness.
They did it out of self-indulgence.
They did it out of a lack of, you know, a big picture understanding of what's important in life.
And that's a really sad part of Western society because The family is really the backbone of everything.
And it's the backbone of you and your happiness.
It's your backbone.
I don't mind going out with the guys having a beer.
It's real.
It's fun.
But it's not real fun.
But when you're with your family, it's another level of joy.
Like last night, we rented the movie, we didn't rent, we own the movie Breaking.
It's a breakdancing movie from 1983.
And we both, my wife and I both knew what was going to happen, especially with Johnny, our five-year-old.
The kids were going to watch all this cool breakdancing from the 80s and think they can do it.
And now my older kids have a sense of humor about it.
They know they're not immediately ready to be in a breakdancing competition, but five-year-olds, they've got an incredible hubris.
They really, I think it might be bravery and low IQ might be linked somehow.
Because He instantly got it in his head that he could breakdance after seeing the movie.
In fact, even before the movie was over, he was standing up doing the robot and doing, you know, the crab and head spinning and stuff.
And it was obviously terrible.
He's five.
But his deadpan... Like I almost...
I almost bit my lip to shreds trying not to laugh and I recorded this on my phone.
So I'm watching him do the terrible robot and sort of pop and lock and do all these other 80s breakdancing movies.
You can't smile.
That's the thing about cute toddlers.
They want to be known as cool and tough and no one laughs at the fawns, right?
So you have to bite your inner lip while you film them.
Even Filming them is often a challenge because they stop when they see the cameras out because they feel like they're being exploited But um, oh my god those Terrible dance moves he was doing with his catatonic Dead robot face because it was so intense like worth so we have to sit there going.
Oh my god.
That's amazing And like these movies I made I want to send them to to the Smithsonian like I want them encased in gold I I never these are so valuable to me.
I So valuable.
I've already watched it 32 times on my phone.
And I could watch that another 300 million times.
So that's a level.
And Lauren Southern talks about how, you know, they say that couples are less happy after they have kids.
No, their scope of happiness changes.
So they go from, you know, a fart joke to seeing a child take their first steps.
Your whole spectrum of what joy is changes.
And your sort of self-responsibility.
I mean, shit, when you don't have kids, you're proud of yourself if you walk the dog that day.
When you have kids, you're only proud of yourself if your son gets, you know, in a great baseball team and you build him a go-kart the same day.
You have higher standards.
And that's a good way to be.
Anyway, I hope I've helped young men want to get off the couch and get laid in this episode, because that's good.
And by the way, you can sow your wild oats.
God seems to want us to start breeding at 14.
He made women menstruate remarkably young, and Puerto Ricans seem to take him at his word.
That seems a bit rich to me.
It's probably ideal, actually, marrying young and having kids young, but... and not 14.
But, uh, you know, sow your wild oats from 15 to 25 if you want.
That's still a decade of cocaine and pot and STDs.
Surely at 25 you get the picture.
I mean, the last two times you had sex, you were dancing to the music that was playing in that room more than you were actually in the moment.
That's usually a sign that you've sowed your wild oats.
So get a ring on it and start the next chapter.
That's really what my book was about, The Death of Kool.
Kool is a phase that dies and then post 25 you have get married and have kids.
I waited too long.
So that's one thing I want to say to young people.
To women I want to say get a ring on it.
Stop giving the milk away for free.
No one's going to want to buy the cow.
And if you fall for this Jezebel feminism about you're still hot at 50, you're going to end up alone.
You're going to end up being a colostomy bag for strangers come.
And that's no way to live your life.
So, sure.
Sow your wild oats too, ladies.
I'm not going to fault you for that.
But eventually, at 25, you're going to stop dating comedians and musicians and start looking at someone who has a good relationship with their mother.
Not too good.
You don't want him calling her every day.
But someone who is ambitious.
You want a man, he can have a dumb career like being a DJ, but if he has to get up at 9am on a Monday and be working on it for him to be the father of your children.
And then thirdly, as far as married people go, don't throw out the baby with the bathwater.
Don't even throw out the bathwater.
Don't throw any of it away.
If there's a problem, reboot.
There's always a way around it.
Sleep on the couch for five days.
Don't masturbate alone.
That's crucial.
But ride it out.
You're going to be together for 40 years.
You can have a bad entire year.
That's a very extreme scenario, but it's still within the parameters of reasonable.
And we're getting people who divorce because they have a bad month.
I can't talk to people.
Who have a kid that's under two or three and they're divorced.
I just think, what, you couldn't last two years?
No, she's insane.
All right, why'd you have a baby with her then, Louis C.K.? ?
But I can only... I'm not Mao.
You know?
My dictums are not policy.
They're just pontification.
I'm just trying to help.
And firing Kevin Williamson from National Review because he came up with an extreme idea is lunacy.
We're just ideas men here.
We're sitting in the cave like Plato.
Blurting out concepts, hoping to improve society.
And that, by the way, is what's great about CRTV.com.
You can go there now, use the promo code GAVIN.
You can also get a month for free.
I'm on Monday to Thursday, every night at 830.
I'm also starting a new show with them called CRTV Tonight, which is a live talk show where we have guests, we come out, we We play games, we talk about the news, we look at viral videos.
I have a little serious segment in the middle where I interview someone heavy about something heavy.
That's just the meat.
The rest is delicious snacks.
And the rest of CRTV is really all you need.
There's such an incredible range from Phil Robertson and his wise old, he's so soothing watching that guy.
And then Steven Crowder is like me without the filth.
Roaming millennials and intellectual.
I don't know, the whole network I feel like, I don't know how anyone else could get through it all and still need more.
Maybe you could watch Tucker Carlson.
Maybe you could listen to the A&A Show on Compound.
Maybe you could subscribe to Rebel.
All of those are worthy adversaries, worthy competition.
But there's so much amazing stuff out there.
It really shows you how extinct the dinosaur media is.
