Get Off My Lawn Podcast #32 | Zambia has Outlawed Sex Dolls
Wherein the host, me, argues that we used to be much less humorless 20-30 years ago. Xenophobia was considered amusing and it was simply a given that the West is the best. To prove this, I go over some examples of anti-PC comedy from the 70s (PJ O’Rourke’s National Lampoon essay “Foreigners Around the World”) and use it to not only prove that xenophobia can be amusing but also that the West is inarguably superior to everywhere else in the world.
Yes, I repeat, the small country of what was formerly northern Rhodesia.
It's, you know, in that shithole called Africa.
Not far from Wakanda, actually.
Wakanda is located just north of Angola, south of the Democratic Republic of the Congo.
And Wakanda is, it lets you see what Africa could be like if it wasn't colonized.
By the way, you don't have to imagine that.
Ethiopia and Liberia were not colonized.
Ethiopia... I don't know why it was never colonized.
I guess nobody wanted it?
And it sucks.
Alright?
You know the children with the distended bellies?
That's Ethiopia.
Google image it and you'll see what Ethiopia is.
Dot keep Ethiopia free!
The Rastafarians are really into it for some reason.
And then there's Liberia, which was black people saying, you know what?
Marcus Garvey's right.
We're going back to Africa.
We're going to start our own utopia, our own Wakanda!
And of course, it's a disgusting shithole.
I think it's slightly better than other countries, though.
I guess because they brought their American know-how.
But wow, this episode's starting out real racist, isn't it?
It is going to be a xenophobic show.
This show is... I'm a xenophobe.
I'm a Western chauvinist.
I like the West best.
That's normal, by the way.
I think if you talk to Angolans, they like Africa best.
They'd be kidding themselves, but everyone likes their own thing best.
We're the only ones who aren't allowed to.
Westerners must be deeply ashamed, and any successes they gain, they stole.
Now, I don't know why Asians don't get in trouble for that.
They got their stuff from hard work.
I believe ethnic whites in America are something like the sixth most successful group.
We're below Lebanese Americans.
We're below American Africans.
Which confuses people.
We're not- African Americans make less money than white Americans, but American Africans make more money.
That's usually because if you can get out of Zam- Zambia, for example, you are, uh, loaded.
And probably educated in private schools.
You're probably Mugabe's son.
And if you check out the Mugabe kids on Instagram, you see some very wealthy, probably very well-educated kids.
Anyway!
Uh, what the hell is Zambia talking about?
A sex doll is about a thousand bucks.
I just looked it up, and I'm sad that that's now in my cookies.
2016 latest real life, uh, size real silicone sex dolls for men.
Life- or women!
See, don't assume!
Lesbians might want a sex doll.
Holy crap!
I just discovered something more sad than a man with a sex doll, which I previously, up until right now, thought was the saddest thing your brain could imagine.
The idea of a man
Obviously alone, in his home, with a sex doll, and he's lying, he lifts it up under the knees and the small of her back, lowers her plasticine body with her catatonic face staring at the ceiling, lowers that on his bed, takes off, he probably leaves his t-shirt on, I don't know why, he has just like black socks, nothing else, and he gets on top of her, oh my god, can you imagine the dialogue?
Can you imagine what he says?
There we go.
It's okay.
All right.
Maybe he says, God, I missed you.
Maybe he was away for a few days and he has a name for like Becky.
God, I missed you, Becky.
Maybe he makes out with her first.
Oh my God, my heart's breaking.
I'm not laughing at this guy.
That is the saddest thing.
To me, that's just as sad as, you know you hear about these dogs who some sailor goes away at sea and the dog waits and then the ship goes down and the dog waits on the beach?
We went to a place in Taiwan that was like that, where these two dogs waited for these sailors.
Probably a lie.
They have the same thing in Scotland.
It's a dog outside a pub that apparently stayed there for his owner until it died of starvation.
Bullshit.
Anyway, these dogs, they stayed on the beach and died of old age.
Yeah, sure they did.
But there's big copper statues of them.
And people go there to pray.
And what do they pray for?
And I'm gonna get to this in a second.
We're in Taiwan now, which is China.
Sorry, Taiwan.
They're praying for washing machines, Mercedes-Benzes.
They sit there and they pray to these dogs for free shit.
That's China, 40,000 year old culture.
And what do you do?
You pray to a bronze dog for a washing machine.
You see?
The West is the best.
Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself.
So those dogs, assume they exist, those dogs are less sad than a man.
With a silicone sex doll making love to her.
Oh my god.
I don't watch porn anymore, but I remember in the heyday, there's that feeling when you're done where you're just like, I'm a human garbage.
Ugh.
And then you look at the act you were just looking at and you're like, Jesus Christ, you people are animals.
This is your job?
Oh my, oh my lord.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
The second you're done, you have a monocle on and white gloves and you're like, these people will blow me.
I was thinking blow me previously, now they're below me.
Anyway, a man crawling on top of a silicon sex doll, just, it's really really sad.
Especially with the amount of fatties we have in America.
Like, America is replete with dumb threes.
You can't get a dumb three?
All you have to do is buy her a Diet Coke.
You can't get a one?
No, but this silicone doll's hot.
No, it's not.
It's a crappy drawing of a hot girl.
Anyway, the thing that is even sadder than that I just realized is a lesbian.
A lesbian with a real-life silicone sex doll.
I don't think such a thing exists.
And I'll tell you what really doesn't exist.
Zambians buying $1,000 sex dolls.
The average salary there, and they're probably lying, is $16,000 a year, I believe.
The life expectancy in most of these countries is like 38 years old.
So, yeah.
You might as well outlaw Ferraris in Zambia.
Not a thing.
It might be sort of a weird passive-aggressive attack at some despot's son?
Maybe you're finding a reason to arrest him?
I doubt it.
You know, in Africa, like, I read a great article about Africa a long time ago, probably in the 90s, I think it was in The Economist, and they basically just said, look, Africa was fucked before we got there, it was fucked when we were there, and it's been fucked after we left.
Zambia's a great example of that.
It seems like all these British colonies peaced out in the early 60s.
Jamaica, most Caribbean countries.
Zambia got independence in 64.
And they promptly went to shit.
The Jamaicans just flooded Britain after they declared independence.
They said, we don't like what we did, man.
I got Babylon closing in on me.
I got to come to your place.
But you just kicked me out.
I know.
But I regret it, you know.
And then in Zambia, they kicked everyone out at 64 and instantly became a shithole.
Are you saying that you need Europeans to rule you?
Yeah, I guess I am.
I guess especially Brits.
They're good at systems, the Brits.
They're good at infrastructure.
And war.
Sorry.
I don't know why.
That's just their forte.
You can kick... But Gavin, America... I'm arguing with Miles again.
America kicked the Brits out.
Yeah, they did pretty good.
But it was quite expensive, kicking the Brits out.
And in Canada, we just bored them to death.
And they left.
It didn't cost us any lives.
But yeah, I guess countries would prefer to be independent and fail than to be ruled and succeed.
And I guess I get that.
I'd rather you didn't murder the previous rulers like they're doing in South Africa, slaughtering children, raping women in front of their families and boiling them alive, torturing old ladies with drills.
That seems a little rich.
Or in Haiti, when they, uh, what did they do in Haiti?
Some moron decided slaves don't deserve a day off.
And that didn't make them happy, and I agree with them.
And so they decided to have an uprising, but it went pretty far.
They slaughtered children, babies, uh, women, just massacred the whole island.
And then they took the skulls, filled them with blood, and drank white people's blood from the skulls.
Oh, my.
Haiti's now pretty much the worst place on Earth.
I know Port-au-Prince has the highest incidency of rape, I believe.
It's competing with South Africa.
You're noticing a pattern here.
But actually, Caracas is the worst city in the world.
Got the most crime.
But that's because if you don't steal, you die.
So everyone living is a thief in Venezuela.
Anyway, how did I get here?
Did I want to talk about sex dolls?
A little bit.
A little bit.
Uh, that's an old trope of mine.
I've always, my heart breaks when I think of blow-up dolls.
Oh my god, I'm looking at one here.
Sex Flesh Juicy Jen Love Doll.
It's just a torso.
It's got no top or bottom, no arms or legs, no head.
How?
Isn't that necrophilia?
If you're attracted to a torso?
Jesus Lord.
But what I wanted to get into really is how the West is the best and everyone else sucks, not subjectively, But objectively, everywhere else, and a lot of Western countries, blow chunks.
And this was just accepted.
I was at a record store in Westchester in the suburbs of New York on the weekend called Clockwork Records or something like that, based on Clockwork Orange.
And I'm looking at all these old records.
I put this on my Instagram.
And I see a Lenny Bruce album.
And he's got all these Klansmen on it.
And they're black, you can tell by their hands.
And there's Asians there and Indians.
And the album's called Togetherness, which I promptly bought.
I also saw another album covered in Klansman, and it was Nash Lampoon's The White Album.
And I was reminded of a time in the 80s where we had a sense of humor.
I remember when I was a cartoonist at my college newspaper called The Charlatan, Carleton University, and in the office they had all the archives.
Excuse me, gross part coming up.
They had all the archives of all the old issues.
Which I have a vice by the way.
I think I'm the only one in the world who has every single vice issue from 0 to 2008 when I left.
All bound.
Newsprint, everything.
So they had all these bound editions.
And when I was there, political correctness was in the early 90s.
It had already infected the world.
And Marvin Glass was this professor I had.
He was the head of the Canadian Communist Party, if you can believe that.
And he told us interesting facts, like it's perfectly ethical to murder a baby up until a year after it's born.
So you can have an abortion up until a year after a baby is born.
Because an 11-month-old is less human than, say, a monkey.
Any sort of metrics you use—can he talk, can he communicate, you know, is he aware of his surroundings—any metric like that, a monkey will beat an 11-month-old.
Ergo—and this is quite a big ergo.
Lego my ergo.
Ergo, it's not human because of these metrics I made up.
So, you can just go up to an 11-month-old, you know, in the park.
Some mom's, you know, walking in the pram.
Go up with a ball-peen hammer and just smash it in the soft spot.
That's fine.
That's ethical, according to Marvin Glass.
That was the college I went to.
Cartoon High.
Hogsback High, they called it.
It wasn't a very impressive university, but that was not abnormal.
And it's still not abnormal.
You still see, especially British schools, talking about how it's okay to murder babies.
Can we not agree on some basics?
Don't rape an old lady.
South Africa.
Don't murder babies.
Academia.
Don't sell slaves, Libya.
Britain is letting in Libyans without passports, slave traders, but Lauren Southern is arrested and deported because she once did a jokey sort of performance piece on the street that tested Muslim tolerance and it used the term Allah is gay.
So she was deported permanently for Islamic blasphemy.
That's the world we live in now.
And sorry, to get back to the charlatan, so Marvin Glass burnt down his office.
He was a smoker and he always had a cigarette.
So I assume it was the ashtray and it spilled over.
So then I did a cartoon and I had him with Stalin and the Bolsheviks murdering Ukrainians with little action figures.
And as he's playing out this Stalinist genocide on one part of his desk, there's an ashtray overflowing in the background.
Funny joke, little stab at Marv.
I liked him, by the way, because I was a stupid communist back then.
And they said, no, no, this implicates him.
Oh, okay.
So I tried again, and I just drew an ashtray.
Nothing else.
And they go, yeah, see, this says that it was the ashtray.
I'm like, we're a student paper, dude.
You know what my eventual drawing was that made it into the charlatan?
It was a drawing of fire.
A drawing of fire.
Just like the little flame with the smoke.
I drew fire.
Just in case you don't know what fire is.
In case you're a time-traveling caveman who got here before we had discovered fire, before the Quest for Fire, before Daryl Hannah was sodomized, here's what it looks like.
Here's a rough drawing of it that's in black and white.
Anyway, I was annoyed, I ended up quitting, but I was going through the archives and I saw this picture of the editor from probably 1975.
And you know what it was?
It was a dink.
It was a penis with sunglasses on it.
So, now that you've anthropomorphized this penis, the pubic hair is the afro, the sunglasses one assumes that there's eyes behind it, and the nose is a big nose, like a Freak Brothers kind of a nose, that hangs over the mouth.
I guess the beard is kind of a saggy jowls, which is the scrotal sac.
That's called funny.
And I thought, wow, back in the 70s, they would have a cock.
As the editor in their newspaper.
That's, you know, the charlatan.
You're staying true to the name.
And it reminded me of this record I was holding in my hand at Clockwork Records, which was the White Album, and it was a picture of Klansman in a recording studio and a soundboard.
I haven't listened to it yet.
I hear that Howard Stern stole the Fartman character from it.
Looking forward to it.
Um, and I just, I sort of got nostalgic, not just for a time when you could make jokes like that, and Archie Bunker would say England is a fag country on TV, and even the Jeffersons would say nigger please, and you know, you could speak freely and openly because it was accepted that you're probably not racist.
Whereas today, We think it's more racist than it was back then.
I saw some video about how Bruno Mars is appropriating black culture, and she goes, I don't think Michael Jackson would have been successful today.
Yeah, because we're so racist, we would hate Michael Jackson and his hit songs.
If anything, the pendulum has swung farther.
We would be mad he wasn't trans.
You think that we're more bigoted now?
Caitlyn Jenner was woman of the year.
She's a giant dude With a big hairy dick.
She's got a charlatan editor between her legs.
And she's woman of the year.
Shouldn't you be a woman for at least a year before you're woman of the year?
That's the level of tolerance we're at now.
We are too open.
Except when it comes to humor and jokes.
And part and parcel of this being able to joke around back in the 70s and 80s was also accepting that the West is the best.
Of course it is.
I mean, God, in Africa, everyone believes in voodoo.
Oh yeah, Gavin.
By the way, this is a thing liberals do.
You come with a valid stereotype, like most Irish are drunks, and then their comeback is, oh yeah, every single Irish person is a drunk.
Yeah, yeah.
And then they find some old lady who's never had whiskey, who's Maggie McCarity, and they go, what about this?
And now your whole point is ruined because they found On one exception.
That's how their mind works.
Anecdotal evidence.
Oh yeah, it's hard to have kids after 35?
I know a woman who had one at 55.
Oh!
Okay, then I'm wrong.
Then there's no pattern.
Patton Oswalt got in trouble for retweeting, I think Stephen Saylor said this, but political correctness is a war on noticing patterns.
And the pattern that we all know deep down is that the West is the best.
And speaking of National Lampoon, I'm reminded of a brilliant article that was in National Lampoon.
When was it in there?
This must have been the 70s.
I can't really find the date.
1976.
1976.
He attacked Westerners too.
P.G.
O'Rourke did a guide to everyone in the world.
I should add the caveat that he attacks the West so much in this that it kind of hurts my hypothesis, because I'm saying we all accepted that we're the best, but we get it pretty bad.
Oh God, you gotta hear Scots.
Okay, so this is PJ O'Rourke.
Back when everyone could joke freely.
Back when we had Animal House, and Caddyshack, and Rodney Dangerfield, and comedy had freedom.
Not like today, where we hire Trevor Noah because he personifies the global struggle in South Africa and racism, and then maybe he might be funny somewhere down the line.
No, it went jokes first then.
No one knew what PJ O'Rourke's background was.
Then he'd go, well, he's trans, and his parents killed each other, so we should hire him to do our jokes.
Okay, so this is PJ O'Rourke, 1976, describing Scottish people.
Racial characteristics.
Sour, stingy, depressing beggars who parade around in schoolgirl skirts with nothing on underneath.
Their feebled, no, their fumbled attempt at speaking the English language has been a source of amusement for five centuries and their idiotic music has been dreaded by those not blessed with deafness for at least as long.
The latter is produced on a device resembling five flutes that have grown a piss bladder.
Formerly, the Scots painted themselves blue and ranged far and wide over the British Isles, but good fortune prevailed and they were conquered by their bettors.
What passes for an alcoholic beverage in the Dreary Province, to which the Scots have been driven, has enjoyed a short vogue among fairies and advertising tripes.
But this appears to be giving way to cocaine.
Good points.
Attractive plaids.
Proper forms of a dress.
Scotty, jock, legs, plaid ass.
An anecdote illustrating something of the Scots character.
In recent years, the small Scottish nationalist movement has become so desperate that it's been kidnapping money and ransoming it for people.
Which is an attack on the Scottish pound, which is just the English pound with Scottish writing on it.
There's some, uh, what's his name?
He's got a real Scottish name, Stuart.
There's an English comedian who says, don't you think it's a little unusual that every day you check the stock market and the Scottish pound is exactly the same as the English pound?
Is that a not, not an odd coincidence day after day after day?
Yes, it's fake money.
Okay, so that's him joking about the Scots being remarkably accurate.
Let's hear now P.G.
O'Rourke, who's become pretty left-wing.
People do it to survive, you know.
What was it, Bill Crystal was calling Tucker a white supremacist?
I don't think he really means that.
I think old pundits, when they get to the 60 Minutes age, they just go for the racism trope because it's like a shelter, it's like a warm blanket, it's like a retirement home for political views.
And you're safe there.
So you just turn on Tucker and you call everyone evil.
And then it's like, all right, let's put him out to pasture.
He's not going to hurt anyone.
Let's leave him alone.
Let's not hurt his pension.
Let's let his kids have a solid career.
I'll probably do it when I'm 70.
I just want to say I'm so... I'm going to talk like Bill Clinton when I'm 70.
I want to say I'm so sorry about all the things I did.
And I'm realizing now the truth that Africa is basically Wakanda.
And the West is actually the worst.
And we have so much to learn from all these other countries around the world.
You know, diversity is our strength, and I love China.
I love it so.
All right.
Africans.
Probably not people at all.
Probably some kind of monkey.
This is mainstream comedy in 1976.
They eat each other and worship bundles of sticks and mud.
You can never remember the names of their countries, which have a new main nigger, this is his terminology, Every half hour.
And too many snakes and bugs anyway.
They eat those too.
They put bones in their noses and wear plants for clothes.
Good points.
Don't feel pain the way we do.
Proper forms of address.
Jig, coon, fish mouth, soot back, shitskin.
Boy!
Two anecdotes.
By the way, I gotta say, I'm actually offended.
Like, I grew up in a PC culture, so I'm showing you the Scott and the African to show you the dichotomy, but I'm experiencing what I'm trying to make you experience, which is shock.
I actually caught myself once, I was at a porn theater in Montreal called Cinema L'Amour.
I wasn't there for porn, I wanted to get a job there because I figured To do, to clean up after such a disgusting mess, it must pay a hundred bucks an hour.
So I figured I'll put on a, like a gas mask and I'll make tons of money.
By the way, they paid minimum wage.
But while I was there, I saw a guy and he had black, black, black skin.
And he was wearing white gloves.
It was, it, it was like a, a maitre d' kind of service.
Like they wore bellhop kind of uniforms, but it was a porn theater.
That's Montreal.
Constantly getting things wrong.
But he had bright eyes, you know, obviously big white eyes, white teeth, and gloves, and big lips.
He looked like a caricature, a racist caricature.
And I felt myself offended by his head and body.
I'm ruining my comedy here with coughs, but it's a true story.
I was sort of like, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, dude.
Easy now.
Like he was being too... Like if it was a drawing, I would have been offended by the drawing.
And the fact that it was in real life didn't make it any less offensive.
Meanwhile, that's a human being.
So I was offended by a human's head because I'd been trained to.
And that's what's happening with this write-up.
I'm much more offended by this African's one than I am by the Scottish one.
And why are we?
Why are we more offended by a poo Then we are by groundskeeper Willie.
Why is there a documentary about how horrible a poo is and no documentary about how horrible the cop stereotype is?
Because of the bigotry of low expectations.
Anyway, back to PJ, who probably is totally worried about this.
The only way I found this, it's called Foreigners Around the World by PJ O'Rourke, and it's not, it's only available as like a scanned PDF.
I'm sure he doesn't want this out there.
Two anecdotes illustrating something of the Negro character.
A traveling cattle barterer asks to stay the night at a root gatherer's hut.
The root gatherer agrees, but says the cattle barterer will have to sleep with the root gatherer's daughter.
The cattle barterer goes to get onto the mat with the root gatherer's daughter and sees that she's very dead.
So he spends all night eating her.
In the morning, the root gatherer asks the traveling cattle barterer how he likes sleeping with his daughter.
She was wonderful, says the cattle barterer, especially those delicious maggots in her mouth.
Those aren't maggots, says the root gatherer.
Those were just some grains of rice.
She's only been dead since yesterday.
Um, and this goes on.
All right, so let me cleanse the palate with Canadians, because the way the PC Left works now, they will come to this podcast, single out like the monkey, take it out of context, and then say racist blah blah blah blah blah.
Like you could have A David Duke book in one hand, and 50 Martin Luther King autobiographies in the other hand, and they'll go, that guy has a David Duke book.
I even have a friend who is still pilloried because they caught him with like, what is it called, like the Elders of Zion, whatever that book is, that super Nazi anti-Semitic book.
He had it for a class on banned books, and he's still hearing about it.
50 years later.
Why is this?
Because the demand for Nazis does not meet the supply.
So we go, we go ferreting them out where they're not.
I just, okay, remember this thing, it was like last week, they go globalist is a secret term for Jew.
No, it's not.
A lot of globalists are probably Jews.
That doesn't matter.
If you're anti-NBA, it doesn't mean you're anti-black.
It just means you don't like the sport.
But anyway, I don't like globalists.
I don't care what percentage or what ethnic background, but the left ran with it.
So Ann Coulter does this joke where she starts naming people who are part Jewish and changes it with globalist, like Paul Newman is half globalist.
This obviously lampoons the misnomer.
And says that you're wrong.
And then some guy at Media Matters, I tweeted this out where I go, are you not getting this joke on purpose?
He goes, well Ann Coulter's really going on an anti-Semitic rant.
And you're reading that going, no dude, she's doing a parody of this anti-Semitic lie that it's not, globalism does not equal Jews.
So in that sense, she's mocking you.
It's like when I did that video, 10 Things I Hate About the Jews, was obviously a parody of anti-Semitism and people who are desperate for a, you know, a title that won't read the thing or watch the video.
Robert Crumb did the same thing.
He did a comic called When the Goddamn Jews Take Over America.
It was a parody of anti-Semitism and clearly in this thing, PJ O'Rourke's thing, when he says Africans are probably not people at all.
Clearly that's a parody of racism.
See, this is what happens when you censor art.
You get into the head of the artist and you ascribe him this agenda that he doesn't necessarily have.
We do it with Tom Sawyer, with the Uncle Tom, or the word nigger in that book, where the racist over the course of the book realizes he's wrong.
Now you've killed that by burning that book.
So now you're, and I need to get this tattooed, now you are once again hurting the people you purport to help.
Anyway.
Canadians.
Racial characteristics.
Hard to tell a Canadian from an extremely boring regular white person unless he's dressed to go outdoors.
Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen.
It is thought to resemble a sort of Arctic Nebraska...
It's reported that Canadians keep pet French people.
If true, this is their only interesting trait.
At any rate, they are apparently able to train Frenchmen to play hockey, which is more than any European has ever been able to do.
Good points.
Still have plenty of Indians to abuse.
Proper forms of address?
Bud, Mac, Mr., hey you.
Some examples of Canadian repartee.
Two Canadians are talking in a bar.
One Canadian says, who was that lady I saw you with last night?
That was my wife, replies the other.
A lady is sh- wait, that's the joke?
I don't get it.
Uh, I guess you're talking about how boring they are?
Oh, I get it.
A lady is shopping in a Toronto drugstore and accidentally leaves the bottle of aspirins that she bought on the counter.
She gets on a bus, and the minute the bus is pulled away from the curb, remembers leaving her purchase behind.
My aspirins!
My aspirins!
She yells, and the bus driver says, maybe you left them in the drugstore.
Get it now?
Canadians aren't funny.
Final Canadian anecdote.
A little Canadian boy named Johnny Fuckerfaster is screwing a little girl under the porch of his house.
His mother comes out the door and yells for him.
Johnny!
Johnny!
Fuckerfaster!
"I'll be there in a minute," he says.
You see what I mean?
It's like, imagine painting was restricted to photorealist landscapes.
That's what comedy is in this day and age.
The Daily Show has parameters.
All these comedy sites, Comedy Central, they all have all these parameters.
You can't make fun of Islam.
Same with action movies, right?
The terrorists can't be Arabic.
They have to be German or some bullshit.
And what you're doing is you're adding parameters to art.
And when you add rules to something, it's less adventurous.
And when it's less adventurous, it's less good.
All right.
Let's focus on the task at hand here.
I feel like I've already attacked... I want to prove to you the West is the best by talking about it everywhere else.
Africa.
Let's look at it now.
So Africa really... There's this mistake that Africans make and black people make where they go, all of Africa is black.
Northern Africa is not black.
It's Arabic.
It's Muslim.
Egypt was not black.
You were not kings.
Those were Arabs.
Jesus looked like Anthony Cumia.
So did all the Egyptians.
They looked like swarthy Sicilians with slightly curly hair.
Northern Africa sucks.
Libya, they're selling slaves right now.
Tunisia, Algeria, all these crap countries where women are human garbage.
No, I'm not impressed with North Africa.
Not to mention the insane heat that must go on.
So, Let's just, let's play God here and let's just with a strong giant hand just, and we have to do this slowly because I don't want to start a bunch of tsunamis, but let's just slowly push all of Northern Africa into the sea.
Tons of fish food now.
Less land.
We could probably still get resources down there if we go down and get the oil from under the sea.
I'm only going to push it down like a quarter mile.
And I feel like everyone yelling up as you do that is going to be yelling, Thank you!
Finally!
All right, so now we're stuck with Sub-Saharan Africa.
What do you got there?
What have you got?
You've got Juju men.
Everyone believes in Juju men.
Not everyone, Gavin.
Yeah, basically everyone.
When I say everyone, I clearly don't mean every single person in the world, every single person in Africa.
When I say Irish are drunks, Irish can't get violent when they drink whiskey, particularly the real Irish.
That's a quote from Richard Nixon, by the way.
That's just true.
I know you found some old lady that's a teetotaler.
Congratulations, the Irish are drunks.
I'm Irish, I'm a drunk.
But here, they believe in juju men.
And even when they're Christian, go up to a Christian African and say, do you believe in juju men?
No, no, no.
I am Christian.
I do not believe in voodoo.
Okay, I am a juju man.
Oh my God!
And then they run away.
Like, they all see it as a threat, juju.
And even middle class Kenyans, you know, professionals, they'll go see their juju man and he'll say, all right, let's take four baby snakes and chop their heads off and put them in bull's blood and then light it on fire and throw it at a dog.
And then maybe your daughter will get new shoes.
So that's retarded, that's gotta go.
They've got really bad Muslim problems now where they're murdering Christians, anyone who dares to embrace Christianity is being slaughtered.
So there goes like Angola, Congo, Uganda, everyone near the Sub-Saharan, and now we're left with South Africa, Zimbabwe, Nambia, Botswana, all that, the bottom parts.
South Africa's rape capital of the world.
Unbelievable genocide going on there right now.
And also black-on-black crime is a nightmare.
This is where, by the way, they think raping babies, and I don't know why I use the word raping babies.
Fucking babies?
Making love to babies?
Cures AIDS.
Uh, no it doesn't, guys.
They also believe, in most of Africa, that albino blood is magic blood.
And so you just chop their arms off and get some of that magic albino blood.
Which, by the way, we probably believed Two thousand years ago?
So, all of that, all of those beliefs, push it into the sea.
Let's let it go, right?
Now, we've got some little fun little islands around here I haven't buried like a Madagascar.
Every time you hear about these tribes and Papua New Guinea and stuff, they sound cool, and you imagine them peaceful and stuff, but then you do a bit of research and you find out, oh yeah, you're cannibals, and you sacrifice virgins and babies, and you have brutal wars with each other, like this assumption that when we got here, the Indians were cute and peaceful.
Sorry, we've discovered mass graves.
From way before we were here.
The Indians, a lot of tribes, and there's probably about 3,000 tribes, they would shoot their victim with arrows for like 20 minutes after he was dead so he'd be fucked in the afterlife.
That's not a peaceful people.
And that's why it took 400 years to defeat them.
But anyway, so I'm gonna sink Madagascar and all of North Africa, I'm pushing that into the sea.
Now I'm gonna work my way up here To Turkey, Armenia, Iran, Bahrain, Saudi Arabia, the Middle East, Pakistan, all included in the Middle East.
Now, this is a group, it's a fertile crescent, plenty of food there, could be thriving, but they're going backwards.
Why are they going backwards?
Why does Iran in 1960 look like the future and Iran today look like hundreds of years ago?
It looks like someone got their before and after pictures mixed up.
Well, for a lot of reasons, but a big one is inbreeding.
Right?
The Quran says you can marry your first cousin, and when you're an inbred, you're susceptible to corruption.
Irshad Manji says that Islam was corrupted by these, uh, what are they called?
Wasabis?
Wahabis?
Ooh, my nose gets itchy when I hear their name, because I think it's a hot green sauce.
A green paste.
I don't know.
Christianity couldn't be hijacked by those guys who think they're immune to snake bites.
I'm repeating myself here.
I've said this trope a few times, but it's true.
Someone came up to my Catholic church in New York and said, hey, what's going on, guy?
You should join us.
We're immune to snake bites.
I'd go, no thanks.
And get that thing away from me, please.
Put it back in its basket, its bag.
So the fact that they've been hijacked is no excuse.
I think that they are sending themselves back in time because they're inbreeding.
This is also a problem with India, by the way, and it's not because of Islam.
It's because Indians want to keep the money in the family.
So they say, marry your first cousin.
Next thing you know, they've got massive problems with inbreeding.
So let's just push the Middle East into the sea.
And progressives should be happy with that.
This is a place where it's so homophobic that in Iran, for example, they encourage sex changes because there's no such thing as a gay, so if you want to suck dicks, you must be a woman trapped in a man's body, so we're just gonna cut your penis off and give you boobs.
You know, in that sense, and I've said this for a while now, being trans is homophobic.
Because you're saying you can't be gay.
You're saying, oh, you feel feminine?
Well, you must be a woman.
Chop your dick off.
And before you give these kids hormone blockers, how about this?
Try being gay for a little while.
Put on some red leather short shorts and dance around the West Village.
Okay, so we're... I'm leaving Europe to be for now.
And I've just sunk all of Africa, all the Middle East into the sea.
Iran, goodbye.
Qatar.
I don't know why we give these Saudis and all these Middle Eastern people so much money for their oil.
Why did we tell them that there's oil there?
What do they do with their money?
They go to Harrods in London.
And buy designer jeans with paintings on them, and they wear big fedoras, and they talk to their mommy on their earbuds, and the woman have these, these burkas on, but with, as Michael Malice says, the entire Lancôme counter pasted to their face.
They ride Mercedes on two wheels for an MIA video down some stupid highway that's 150 degrees.
Why did we give them so much money?
We should have said, To the Sikhs, the Sheiks, sorry, in the Middle East, we've discovered a horrible pollutant in your water supply.
It's this black sludge that's gonna make you all sick, possibly give you AIDS.
So what we're gonna do is clean it.
We're gonna clean your water supply for only $100 a month.
We know these rednecks, it'll do it for next to nothing.
Yes, thank you so much, sir.
And then we just go in there with our oil things, pump out the black sludge, and they can have their Bedouin, you know, nomadic tent culture.
And not drive Mercedes on two wheels and have entire harems and come over here.
Every retired cop I know seems to be bodyguarding some chic who just goes, gets table service at nightclubs with my money, my oil money, and gets, not even prostitutes, girls with college debt, takes them back to Saudi Arabia.
All right, so that's got to go.
Now, by the way, we've got a whole new world of fish going on.
Finding Nemo is just taking over most of the North Atlantic and the Indian Ocean.
All right.
Now we're in India.
We're spreading east, because the west is the best and the east is the worst.
India, as Count Dankula describes it, that place that they can't poo in the loo.
You know, porn star Mercedes Carrera was on my old show and she said something very controversial that I will just put on her so I can get away with saying it.
She said we made a mistake colonizing India because the Brits brought them roads and medicine and made them civilized beyond their years.
And they had now they could travel and go make more babies.
The next thing you know, you got dead babies floating down the Yanks here, whatever it's called.
And you know, they're washing next to a head that's just floating by.
They're pooing on the street.
They have to have PSAs to tell people to stop pooing on the street.
And by the way, I never thought of this before someone explained it to me who had been there.
While there's poo everywhere, human feces, it also rains like crazy.
So during monsoon season, there's wet shit everywhere.
And then a car will go by and just spray you with diarrhea.
Do you know how hard it is not to get sick when you're constantly being shot in the face with a diarrhea gun?
A super soaker of wet poo?
You'd have to just have a IV drip of bourbon going into your blood to stay alive.
You know, what's his name?
Robin Quivers?
No.
Yeah, Robin Quivers from Howard Stern.
She went to India because she believed all this crap about spirituality and blah blah blah.
And she went from the airport to the hotel.
When she got to the hotel, the guy in the taxi said, I will get your bags now, please.
And she goes, actually, I'm going back to the airport.
She didn't even get out of the taxi.
She went back to the airport and took the next flight home.
She was in India for like an hour.
World's shortest flight.
Because India sucks.
And I noticed, by the way, Canadians like to brag about their assimilation and, oh, we're so multicultural.
We're only three quarters white.
And they'll focus on, you know, somewhere like Toronto, where it's the most multicultural city, and I think whites are a minority there.
Oh, we've got everything.
There's people from Ghana here.
Oh, great.
Good work.
But most of these immigrants came when I came in the 70s from India, where they were already severely westernized.
You talk to Indian and even Pakistani baby boomers, and they've got classical music playing on the turntable, because they didn't quite catch up with the latest technology, and they're sipping tea and watching cricket.
So don't brag about your assimilation and your awesome multiculturalism when you're using a majority of immigrants who were already Westernized and already adored Western culture.
That's like saying, that's like Britain bragging that they're multicultural in the 70s when all the Yardies came, the Jamaicans, because the Jamaicans had already been Westernized.
They're already drinking Guinness, playing cricket, loving football, loving Britain.
So India is beyond repair.
I know you have a cool ceremony where you throw powdered color at each other and stuff.
Sorry, too much feces.
That's sinking into the sea.
All right.
Now you'll notice, by the way, I'm ignoring that weird zone that's like south of Russia, west of Asia, Well it is in Asia, but west of China and sort of east of Europe.
You've got Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, Azerbaijan.
I'm not thinking those because I like the way those chicks look.
I like kind of slanty-eyed, ethnically ambiguous brunettes.
So I'm gonna keep that as like my chick farm.
Not for me, but for the West.
So that's just a giant babe factory.
Kazakhstan.
I'm tempted to include Mongolia in that, but I won't.
But I just like those sort of white, Asian-looking, kind of tall, weird chicks.
There's a model out.
I just discovered her recently, and she's Tibetan.
And she looks like such a freak.
Let me see if I can find her.
This is the advantage of doing this in front of a computer.
I can look people up.
She's a total freak.
Tibetan model.
Uh-oh, she's not coming up here.
But all these other Tibetan models are, and yikes!
Are they attractive?
Tibetan model freak?
Does that help?
No.
All right, I give up.
But there's just a Tibetan model who's out now who's justifying why I'm not sinking that part of the sea.
And by the way, I can just see, you know, these Media Matters bloggers going, Gavin McInnes murders billions of people in a giant pact with God to sink continents into the sea, but leaves Eastern Europe and Asian Russians in there as his own personal sex slave factory.
I'm not Mao.
These aren't dictums.
They're just the truth.
And by the way, if you have to sync those, sorry guys.
There's probably no food in those countries anyway.
Anyway, I also know nothing about them.
Like Uzbekistan.
Is that German?
Is that Muslim?
Is it hell there?
Probably.
I can't think of a Muslim country that's not hell to be in.
So now we're down to China.
China sucks shit.
But they've got the richest man in there.
He's got a name.
That sounds like get paid or something.
Uh, he's, it's, remember that, that I talked about this on another episode, but remember that dude, uh, has Coke.
Dudas Coke is the richest man in the world.
So this guy, Jack Ma, he calls himself, but what's his real name?
Um, Jack Ma.
What's his real name?
Okay, this isn't helping here.
I'm not making a very good podcast.
Jack, trust me, this is worth it, though, when I get his real name.
Ma Yun.
Known professionally as Jack Ma.
How's that funny?
Ma Yun?
That doesn't make sense.
That doesn't sound like money being made.
Hmm.
Oh, wait a minute.
Chang Zhang, you know?
Born Ma Yun.
Jack Ma?
Huh.
Sorry about that.
Anyway, Jack Ma basically owns all the money in China.
He owns everything private.
Everything else is owned by the state.
I lived in China for a while in Taiwan.
Taiwan doesn't think it's Chinese because it's capitalist, but I remember writing letters from Taiwan and the return address said ROC, Republic of China, so you're in China, guys!
Sorry!
You are capitalist.
But China is summarized in many ways.
One of my favorite examples is the journalist who wrote an article when I was there about the police brutality, claiming the police were violent there, and they beat him to death for saying such a thing.
Perfect.
That's China in a nutshell.
It blows, and the food in China is so disgusting.
It's not like Chinese food here.
I don't like authentic food.
You know, Mexican food in Mexico looks like green barf.
When you get a burrito at Chipotle or something that's been westernized, it's amazing.
General Tso's chicken, you're traumatized after it's so good.
Chicken in China is just like a chicken, like a head with some claws.
Turtle soup is just hot water with a turtle in it, a big turtle.
Dog, you can have, everyone eats dogs over there.
Dogs are everywhere, all over Korea.
Just eating dogs, eating cats.
Apparently, this is our fault.
We starved them with the opium famine.
We pushed, and the Scots were a big part of this.
We had these iron ships that went down and said, we demand you take opium and keep it legal, because it's my business.
Sort of like we flood the hood full of crack.
We flood the China full of opium.
And they became destitute because they were high and they started starving to death.
And so they ended up eating snails and caterpillars and there's a saying there in China, if it moves, it's food.
Gross.
They also believe in China that the more pain an animal suffers as you kill it, the more delicious it is.
And by the way, this is what I'm trying to do with this episode.
I'm taking our Western values and saying, you like these values.
Like you like, you don't think gays should die.
You don't think women should be second-class citizens.
You don't think animals should be tortured.
You care about the environment.
All of those things, all those progressive values, those socially liberal values, those traditional values you hold dear, that create the Western world, The opposite is true everywhere else.
This is what Pat Buchanan says about Iraq and the Middle East and he says, we think we can bring them democracy?
They don't want democracy.
You know, our soldiers when they die, we put an American flag on the coffin, the coffin comes home, everyone's crying.
It's terrible.
The wife goes to his grave alone with a little picnic blanket and she lies there and has, you know, coffee from a thermos and bawls her eyes out.
In the Middle East, with Islam, he's a rock star.
Great.
Hey, I got some great news.
Your son's dead.
Oh, thank God.
Praise Allah.
Allah Akbar.
That's wonderful.
So the reason that I don't like the West is the same reason that you like equality and all that stuff.
We're on the same page.
You're just purposely myopic.
And pretending.
You're turning a blind eye.
And they do that within the West, too.
They turn a blind eye to Reverend Wright's anti-Semitism.
He says, oh, Obama won't talk to me anymore because the Jews won't let him talk to me.
And you got Farrakhan calling Jews the satanic Jew.
And we got Linda Sarsour and Tamika, what's her name, Mali or whatever, the woman's march organizer, saying that she loves Farrakhan and if you're not an enemy of Jesus, then you're a bad person, meaning that's an attack on Jews, of course.
So you're really just focused on the white males, conservative white males, straight conservative white males.
No, they hate gay conservative white males too.
So you're concerned with straight white males, rich and poor.
And I think it's because you have daddy issues, you liberals.
I think your parents got divorced.
You never got over it.
So you have this obsession with daddies and you hate me because I'm a daddy.
And when I say, what's the problem here?
Racism?
Slavery?
Aren't they selling slaves in Libya right now?
No, you don't care about that.
So it's not about what you say it's about.
Well, I hate deportations.
Okay, so you hate the way they deport Guatemalans and Nicaraguans in Mexico?
Because that's what they do.
They literally round them up in a bus and drive them back over the border, which is something you say, if it would happen here, it would be Nazi Germany.
Anyway, another reason I hate China and Chinese culture is it's frustrating that a culture that's 40,000 years old at least, way older than us.
How old is America?
A few hundred years?
40,000 year old culture, first of all, can be susceptible to communism where Mao can kill 70 million and get away with it.
I mean, Hitler was killing 6 million and we got on a plane and went, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Killed him.
You just, why didn't you rise up?
70 million?
That's not acceptable to me.
I don't see Scotland sitting down when 70 million people are killed.
And they believe after 40,000 years, they still let communism thrive.
And what is this shit with reflective foot therapy crap?
Even in my neighborhood, there's a big chart.
I guess because women, you know, rich women fall for this crap because they're bored.
But it's like feet, right?
On the map, you've seen this chart, it's feet.
And then the baby toe has a picture of a liver.
And another toe has a picture of your lungs.
So hold on.
You want me to believe that if you rub this toe, it will help my cough?
That's insane!
That is stupider than any 1820s snake oil BS, that earwax thing where the wax that it gets out of your ear is just the wax from the paper itself.
All of our dumb things, all of our secret medicines and brain pills and all that stuff, all those dumb vitamins we take, those don't hold a candle to the idea that your feet control your body and a foot massage.
A foot massage feels good.
Yeah, I get that.
You're exercising some muscles that don't normally get pushed, you're recirculating the blood, sure.
But to pretend that it affects the body, and we see this too, there's a spa in Queens, it's Korean, and it's got all this crap in it, like you go into this booth, and there's ions and metals and gold that they heat, and then you get the vapors from these important steels, and you go, bullshit.
No.
Did you know the snake population in China has been devastated with all these dumb serums they have?
Like, go to any Chinese market and you see these bottles with snakes inside the liquid.
You're supposed to drink that?
Yeah, let's go kill a bear and then just take, like, his foreskin and put that in a soup, because it's gonna make you virile.
No, it's not, and how can you not know that when you're tens of thousands of years old?
I know you're not stupid.
So that's the end of China, my friends.
Buh-bye!
Now, Thailand.
I remember my... I've told this story a bunch of times, but... I think it's actually on YouTube, but I was at a Thai restaurant and I thought...
My dad's a bit of a drinker, and I thought, I don't take advantage of my dad's high IQ and his incredible world knowledge enough.
So I'm going to ask him some questions.
I'm in Thailand.
They're wearing their silly little costumes.
Looks like Thai air at the restaurant.
And I go, Dad, what's the deal with Thailand now?
That's a monarchy?
How does it work now?
They have a king?
What's their GDP?
What's the average lifespan?
I don't know much about Thailand.
And he blurts out super loud in the restaurant, Well, let's put it this way, you can fuck a child for the cost of a pint, so that's probably not a good place to be!
I agree.
Good metric, Dad.
So, Burma, Myanmar, Brunei, China, India, that's all going in the sea?
Malaysia, Indonesia, that's been taken over by Muslims.
Even the Philippines.
By the way, the next time someone says, well they hit us because of our foreign policy, explain Muslim terrorism in the Philippines, please.
How is that America's foreign policy?
And also, by the way, to get back to the Middle East, which is now a quarter of a mile under the ocean, how is throwing gays off building my foreign policy?
I'm not a big interventionist, I'm not a fan of neocons and George W. Bush's constant fight-picking, but is that really throwing gays off buildings?
I heard Rob Reiner say, Yes, because what it did was, we had a sort of a truce between the Sunnis and the Shiites, and by taking out Saddam, you unleashed the Sunnis and the Shiites.
And that's why you have gays going off buildings and all this primitive, horrible ISIS shit.
Okay, but you're only explaining a tiny region.
Talk to Robert Spencer, not Richard, and he can tell you about Muslim terrorism all over China, Africa, the Philippines, Malaysia, Indonesia, and that's not explainable.
That can't be explained away by Sunnis and Shiites, you meathead.
Get it?
So, we're gonna say goodbye to China, Southeast Asia, gone.
Papua New Guinea, I already explained that, that's gone.
Australia, New Zealand, guess what boys?
You're in.
Now, unfortunately, I've sunk a lot of land around you.
So as of now, your nearest landmass is Japan and South Korea.
China's gone.
Sorry about that.
It's going to be like Waterworld, Kevin Costner.
Japan can stay.
Japan's fine.
It's not my cup of tea.
Another big problem with Asia culturally for me is I'm Scottish, and I'm just like, You alright, pal?
You got a problem?
I don't give a shit if you have a problem, by the way.
I just wanna not waste my time talking to you.
So like if someone feels obligated to hang out with me and they don't want to be there, I don't want to be there with you either.
My wife is kind of, she's a Midwesterner and she's kind of shy.
They don't like confrontation and she'll be like, oh, we got to go to this party.
And I go, yeah, it'll be fun.
Like you just walk in the front door.
Yeah, I'm here.
And what do you got?
You got any chips?
What is this?
Oh, you only have faggot beer?
What, would it kill you to get some Budweiser?
Don't worry, I have some in the car.
I'll be right back.
And if they don't like you, then you leave.
Who cares?
But the Asians are a very different way.
They're like, Oh, hello.
I'm very big fan of you.
Yes.
Let's be friend.
Meanwhile, they hate your guts.
I remember I was in, I was teaching English in Taiwan and I was teaching a housewife conversational English, which is the easiest job in the world.
Uh, you just teach them like shit and fuck.
And when, when to say it, when not to, you know, slang and stuff.
Well, when, when you say it's 10 to five, uh, but you don't say it's 20 to five.
They want to know those silly nuances.
So I'm talking to her and, uh, she starts telling me about prostitution and how a lot of these housewives will have sex to buy like a Louis Vuitton purse or something.
What?
Fascinating story, not prostitutes, and she was very quiet and shy and all of a sudden she's being effusive and she's telling me all this gossip because she's doing what housewives love to do.
She's gossiping.
Her husband was home at the time, by the way.
And as far as sex goes, I know your dirty mind is going there.
I wasn't popular with the Asians.
I had, you know, It was hot as hell there, so I was wearing shorts, jorts, and chucks, and my hairy legs, and I had a beard and ratty hair.
And like my arms, to them, I look like Dodie Fayette.
So I could have my pick of any white woman in all of Taipei, because all the white guys were with Asians.
But they didn't want caveman McInnes.
The Asians didn't.
So I was always with white girls there.
I did quite well, thank you very much.
Um, so there was nothing sexual going on.
But anyway, she, uh, I was happy because I didn't care.
Like my job is to get her talking.
She's been talking about World War Two, but she was talking about this and it was interesting.
And then I came back next week and I had been fired.
But instead of being fired, it said, Chow Ming Ping has been sent to Hong Kong on business.
We will contact you if we need you again.
And then I was paid by tokens that I would cash in at the English teaching place, and there was like two tokens next to the note on the door.
Now I know they were in there.
And they should have just said, you know what?
I don't want you coming by here talking to my wife about prostitution.
Get the fuck out of my house.
And then I would go, oh, mental note.
Don't discuss prostitution.
I'd be better off.
They'd be better off.
It's like Jordan B. Peterson says, don't lie.
And Asian culture, the whole concept of saving face is about not being human, lying, being dishonest.
You know, you see a woman who got hit by a scooter.
She's got blood pouring down her leg and she's just staring out into space because she doesn't want to show emotion.
She doesn't want to lose face.
Fuck off.
That's why you got sunk into the sea by my giant god hand.
Okay, so now we got North Korea.
That's a doy.
South Korea?
I don't know.
I guess I'll leave it there.
You eat a lot of dogs.
You are obsessed with plastic surgery to the point of almost every young girl having her epicanthic folds removed or added.
I always forget which it is.
So their eyes can look more white.
That's lame.
Incredibly shallow culture.
It's like a giant Beverly Hills.
But we've got a Beverly Hills.
Alright, fine.
South Korea there, you can be Japan's neighbor.
We're good.
All right, now we absolve ourselves of racism by sinking Russia into the sea.
Goodbye.
What is worse than communist Eastern Europe, Russia, Pilsen, Czechoslovakia?
I guess it's not called Czechoslovakia anymore.
Just like they don't have catalytic converters on their cars.
Everything is gray.
And then it's snowing all the time so the snow is all dirty.
So you ride your bike there, you get to your destination, you wash your hands and face, and then on the towel there's a face and hands on the towel.
Everything is filthy there and cold.
You know how much booze they drink in Russia?
I went to a radio station in Moscow and I was talking to a guy and he had a pint glass Not of water, but of vodka at 11 a.m.
Now, you and I would be projectile vomiting if we drank that.
It's fucking... It's a bottle in his hand.
It's... 70% of a bottle is a pint glass, right?
And he's just sipping away on his vodka.
And you know that's the kind of drunk where you never get hung over?
Because you just keep having a hair on the dog forever and ever and ever until your liver eats itself and you die?
Not to mention communism.
Not to mention a culture Where everyone is dying to rat you out to the authorities, including your family.
And one of the only good jobs there is to be a rat, a spy, a snitch.
But there's not a lot of subterfuge, so you run out of people.
And if you don't report people, well, you're in trouble.
So then they just start reporting their family and friends.
So now you're hanging out with your brother, Kyle McInnes, And you're joking around and you're thinking, wait, I just called Putin a faggot.
Is he going to report me for that?
So now I don't trust my brother.
Now I don't enjoy being with my family.
Uh, now I'm unhappy and I'm living in a hell.
I kind of feel that way about people in LA.
Like they, their whole day is dictated by traffic.
I can meet you up till three and then three to seven is a write off.
And then I can meet you after seven.
They don't drink because they want to drink and drive.
You know, if they're going to school, they can't be friends with a Hispanic kid because that means he probably lives on the east side and they'll never be able to go over for playdates or whatever.
So no sense in wasting your time befriending a Mexican.
You can't be his friend.
And that, this constant like set of rules imposed on you by the horrible geography of that town, it chips away at your soul until you're like someone living under a communist regime, except the dictator is traffic jams.
It chips away at their soul.
And Russians, for the most part, have no soul.
They don't go to heaven or hell.
They're like dogs.
And I feel like me pushing that entire gigantic nation, it's the biggest country in the world, just pushing that in the sea.
They'll be quite thankful.
All right.
So now that leaves Europe.
Uh, I don't know, man.
I know it's the West, but I get discouraged sometimes.
First of all, I don't like their hair.
You notice when you're in Northern Europe?
Uh, they have their bangs sort of hanging over one eye.
Men do.
And they're dyed blonde.
They look like John and Kate Plus 8.
Kate Gosling or whatever her name was.
When the show began.
With the little sort of Rod Stewart teased thing at the back of the scalp.
Cut short on the back and sides.
And then the bangs hanging over one eye.
Then they have these Adidas little tracksuits zipped up to their chin.
Then they have stressed denim with articulated knee.
Like Lauren Southern would wear.
And then they have these shoes that look like ballerina slippers.
Little puma slippers.
I feel like sinking it into the sea, I really do.
Especially because they're sinking themselves into the sea.
Like Merkel, Germany has Merkel inviting all these people in, promoting rape, basically.
Let's sink.
And then you have France, all these cucks in France who love to abuse themselves and, you know, they get a terrorist attack and their first concern is Muslim backlash.
And then you have the United Kingdom.
Where Lauren Southern and Brittany Pettibone and Martin Lenner... I always get his... Lernon?
Banned for daring to question Islam.
I feel like they've already sunk themselves into the sea.
So you know what?
I can't believe I'm doing this, but I'm gonna push down Southern Europe.
I'm leaving Norway, Sweden, and- No, I'm not.
Norway, Sweden, Finland, United Kingdom, Ireland, Poland, Germany, France, Spain, Portugal- Sorry, Europe.
I just sunk you into the sea.
You're gone.
So now we just have Australia and New Zealand.
You know what?
Australia's just hot Canada.
We already have a Canada.
And New Zealand is just like an Australian turd with, you know, you can't make money in New Zealand.
It's like Hawaii.
I'm going to sink that.
Sorry guys.
Now we have, you know, uh, what's this big thing near Iceland?
I've been to Iceland.
It's just volcanic rock.
You can't walk anywhere there.
The land is all Superman's house.
Yes.
I know there's that spa you go to where it's naturally steam water.
It's gotta go.
Alright.
So now we're stuck with the Caribbean, North America, and South America.
Those are the only places left in the world.
Now, Paraguay, Bolivia, Brazil, Peru, Venezuela, they're all just sort of forgotten countries.
What was it?
The ABC, Argentina, Brazil, Chile.
They're sort of seen as these up-and-comers.
But Brazil is a sad, hot place, obsessed with, just like South Korea, which I sunk on, I'm sinking South Korea and Japan, by the way, changed my mind.
Brazil, you know, they've got plastic surgery there.
Brutal crime.
I remember there was this guy, Mastercraft, we're not friends anymore because of Trump, but he was going to DJ a party down there.
I think it was in, I think it was in Brazil.
And he said, all right, well, I know it's dangerous there and musicians and stuff tend to get kidnapped.
So I don't want to be part of that.
I want to be protected.
I need a machine gun.
And a handgun and a bulletproof vest meeting me at the airport and they go, oh, that's quite a lot to ask.
Let's get back to you.
And it took a few days and then they call him back and they go, good news, we can do it.
You'll be set up at the airport with all three.
And he goes, yeah, I'm not going.
And they go, what?
Why not?
We just, and he goes, if you can get me a machine gun and a handgun and a bulletproof vest, it's a really fucking dangerous place to be and I don't want to go there.
So goodbye, basically goodbye, South America.
And Venezuela.
Venezuela, communism ruined it.
It's gone.
Caracas, worst place to be.
Now you have the Mediterranean.
Cuba, Jamaica, all these, Dominica, St.
Kitts, Puerto Rico.
Puerto Rico.
I saw a funny Onion article.
It said Puerto Rico celebrates 150 years of dependence.
I, you know, I was just there in Barbados and I'm looking at it and the way they just sort of let it die.
You know, they have tourism and finance where you can have offshore accounts so that they just make money off the interest.
And they have tourism, which is also just my money, but free.
But otherwise, there's no pride in the Caribbean.
They have their dumb parade where they put on peacock feathers and dance around.
But, like, you look at a roof.
on a building, and it's dilapidated.
Even at some resorts, you look over at some roof that's not used that much, and it's falling apart.
Like, there's no care.
I remember driving through Jamaica, and I just see this woman talking to her friend across the street, and on her yard is just garbage everywhere.
Now, you don't need tons of money to sort of have an area cordoned off, like an 8-foot-by-8-foot area with just wood, like a crappy horse fence, and put all the garbage in that area.
Why is it spread all over your lawn?
Why don't you care about your own home?
And then of course, why don't you care about their own country?
Even, um, Jimmy, what's his name?
Margaritaville.
He lives up in New York.
He doesn't like it down there.
It sucks.
And if you're all, after all these years with all that arable land, if all you can supply is tourism and offshore accounts.
I mean, what do you got?
A beach and some nice weather?
We got beaches.
So I'm sinking out of the sea.
All right, you know what?
I got to stop.
I'm not stopping the podcast, but I had a funny gag planned that I was going to sink everywhere into the sea, but New York, and then but my house, and it was going to be this like three-hour gag.
But it's like I'm putting the art above the content and I'm screwing up my message here, which is more important than the art project.
So just pretend...
I did this really funny podcast where I broke down everywhere in the world and the next thing you know I'm alone in my home in the suburbs of New York and I'm alone in a castle.
It's the same joke I did with how to drink in a bar where I ended up in this disgusting destitute bar and I was the only one there.
Uh-oh, my computer crashed right when I did all this because they're so mad at me.
That's a good concept for an art project.
But it screws up my message.
So I'm going back.
That was ha-ha-ha backwards.
and it's not that good.
I'm just kidding about some of these.
Australia, New Zealand, you're back.
Japan, South Korea, you're back.
Indonesia, Papua New Guinea, no, you're all gone still.
Southeast Asia, sorry, China, Russia.
The Middle East is all still gone.
All of Africa is still gone.
Europe is back.
So, I draw the line at like Turkey.
Basically, the EU and Britain can live.
Norway, Sweden, and Finland, you're back.
You're Western.
You're awesome.
Portugal, you're in.
Morocco, you're gone.
Sorry, anyone south of the Mediterranean Sea is gone.
Iceland, your terrain does suck.
Guess what?
You're back.
I'm not letting you die, just so I can make a point.
The Caribbean?
You know what?
I like going down there.
Jamaica?
I'm not gonna sink you into the sea, but you're just a holiday resort to me.
Cuba, you're gone.
Sorry.
Haiti?
I think we both know.
What's going on with you?
Puerto Rico, you're gone.
Sorry.
We'll leave Barbados in there.
Their dollar is the same as the American dollar.
Fine.
You're in.
Bahamas, you can stick around too.
But... It gets a little- and by the way, South America, I think they're pretty Western.
I was lying before, because it fit my silly narrative.
But the truth is, Brazil- Chile's Canada.
Chile's a long, skinny coastal Canada.
They got copper, they got all kinds of stuff.
And by the way, they've had some run-ins with copper, where it was less lucrative.
They survived.
Zambia, on the other hand, their only export was copper, and when copper had a bad year, they were over.
That's the thing about those African countries.
They're not good at long-term gain.
They're not good at denying instant satisfaction.
So I'm going to keep all of South America except Ecuador, Colombia, and Venezuela.
And it's interesting that those places are the ones that are close to the equator.
So the north of South America is gone in the sea.
Some of the Caribbean I'm leaving there as a joke, but Mexico and Central America, why are they there?
I mean, what are they doing?
El Salvador, Nicaragua, they can go.
Now, Costa Rica, I'm told the CIA likes to retire there.
I lived there.
I had a home there in Montezuma, Coco Rica.
Montefuma, Coco Rica.
Latin Hispanic culture, and I meant to focus more on the culture with this, like Islamic culture blows.
African culture is just brutal.
Russian communist culture is cold and heartless.
You know the movie Splice?
I, uh, I used to buy back before, you know, you would, you would download movies and you'd watch movies with DVDs.
I used to go to Chinatown and buy all my TVs stolen.
And I'm watching sometimes they were just, it was cool cause they were stolen from like the source.
So they were just as good.
But sometimes you're watching and go, wait a minute, this seems kind of dark.
And the audio is a little hollow.
Oh, this is recorded in a theater.
And I'm watching the movie Splice, which is, uh, uh, Cronenberg, David Cronenberg.
And there's a scene where he makes this alien, like splicing genomes or whatever, and he makes this woman who's like a little girl who has a scorpion tail and can kill humans.
And they end up having sex.
So the scientist who created this thing that grew up to be a teenage girl is having sex with her.
Gross!
And then this scorpion tail is about to kill the scientist.
Impale him in the head.
So now we have incest and imminent patricide.
Uh, gross.
And in the theater I hear, ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho.
Deep laughing.
You know what that was?
That was Russians.
It was Russians laughing at this horrific scene because Russians are dark.
They're like the Chinese.
Like, they look at a dead body and go, they're sort of like NYPD cops.
I don't mean to shit on cops, but I talk to cops and they, like the other day my cop friend was telling me, yeah, so I go down out of the subway, this guy's fucking all over the place.
His head's not on.
I pick up the head, I said to my partner, hey, it feels like a bowling ball.
Russians and Chinese would go, ha ha ha ha ha.
Of course, my hair turns white when he tells me that story.
And cops get away with it because they look at dead bodies every day.
Russia is a whole country.
China is a whole country.
So, the thing I don't like culturally about Costa Rica and Central America is, first of all, they don't get the environment.
Like, they don't get eco-tourism.
Even though eco-tourism is such a big part of Costa Rica's dollar, they have disdain for it.
And they think they'd rather just cash out.
And one thing they do that drives me nuts in Costa Rica, you walk down the beaches, Playa Grande and Montezuma, and you just see flip-flops and combs and shampoo bottles.
You know why?
Because these Luddites, these Cro-Magnon beasts, they put their garbage on a big tugboat and they go out onto the Caribbean Sea And, uh, oh wait, I was trying to zoom in.
They go out in the Caribbean Sea, they go out maybe a mile from, uh, uh, you know, towards the Pacific Ocean, and then they just dump it.
Guess what, morons?
Some garbage floats.
So it all comes back.
And all these environmentalists that are so concerned with Canada, Canada's 1.5% of global carbon emissions, all these little sins we do like, oh no, we didn't recycle our coffee cup.
We better bring a steel water bottle because I don't want to contribute to the plastic water bottle problem.
If you would just look at Mexico or Russia or, or, you know, Mauritania or any Middle Eastern country or any, probably any Central American country, you would see You'd see ten times your damage.
Overnight.
That's what drives me nuts about all these social justice wars.
They look at the sexism in America and you're like, if you want sexism, I got a lot for you.
You want racism, I got it out the wazoo.
In Japan today, the swastika has become the most popular symbol to end a sentence with.
They call it, like, Maimai or something.
They have Hitler restaurants all over Asia.
Dressing up in blackface is still very common everywhere but America, but you're focused on us because of our microaggressions and Bruno Mars is stealing black music.
Obviously you're not worried about the problem, you're worried about worrying.
So, I know Costa Rica's nice, and I'm tempted to leave it there, but I don't like the culture.
They're machismo, but they're also pussies in a weird way.
And, you know, there's a belief, and this might be some sort of perversion of Catholicism, In Central America, if your son is handicapped, then God hates you and it's a message from the big guy that you screwed up.
So people are deeply ashamed of their handicapped offspring, relatives.
And, you know, some gimp who has like those T-Rex arms and He's constantly sort of swaying in his wheelchair.
He's in the basement.
He's in the basement of his house because he's horrible and a disgusting failure and proof positive that God doesn't like you.
I don't like that.
But I'll tell you what, I'm feeling generous and I'm gonna take it easy on the genocide today.
Oh, by the way, Taiwan.
Taiwan is capitalist, it's civilized, but they still have this Chinese mentality.
And to get back to culture, sorry, the thing I don't like about the Chinese culture is they don't like joy.
They don't like pleasure.
That's why they work.
They'll work 10 months a year, 100 hours a week or whatever, and then just relax with their family in Chinese New Year.
But they don't enjoy, like, a weekend the way we do.
Like, if you gave a Chinese man silk sheets, he would just sell them the next day.
Why?
I don't, it's not logical.
I would teach, I was teaching a dentist family, a dentist kid actually, English in Taipei, in Taiwan.
And he's rich, right?
He's a dentist.
And Taiwan is the same, just, it's like Chile.
It's got the same economy as Canada.
Same, you know, average salary, lifespan, all that.
It's civilized.
And I'm in his apartment and it's like, he has neon lights in every room.
He's got like three floors of a, of an apartment building.
Tile floors everywhere because they're easy to clean.
Neon lights that you'd have in a dentist's office, but this is in his home now.
And then there's just like storage boxes everywhere.
I hate when people do this.
I've seen Americans do it too sometimes.
Just like in the living room, there's just a big giant Tupperware tub full of crap.
That's disgusting.
Just as disgusting as me inhaling my snot out of my sinuses.
And I just think, don't you guys want to like get some normal lighting, clean up this place, maybe get a carpet, maybe get some slippers.
I don't know.
Don't you want to be comfortable?
Like what's with all the pain and suffering?
Was the opium famine that bad?
So like this lack of sort of like Bacchus, this lack of enjoying indulgence, that's a big part of Chinese culture, both in China and Taiwan.
So I can't really blame it on capitalism, but I'm in a good mood and I, I had lunch.
I heard the judges, especially in Israel, or maybe that's where the test was, the judges give much more lenient sentences after lunch because they feel better about the world.
I'm feeling better about the world.
I'm almost tempted to bring the Philippines back.
Actually, you know what?
Fuck it.
Good news, people of Asia.
I am bringing back Taiwan and the Philippines.
You're in.
Alright, so I'm gonna keep Jamaica, no Haiti.
No Dominican Republic, no Puerto Rico.
Barbados, yes.
Trinidad and Tobago, I mean, does anyone care?
I don't think Trinidad... Trinidad and Tobago tried to give themselves to Canada for free.
Please colonize us.
And Canada looked at their welfare rate and went, yeah, no, no thanks.
We don't want a free country.
Isn't that weird?
I've noticed that too about like Barbados was recently independent in the 60s.
Jamaica was independent.
Why did Britain give up all their colonies?
Was it just too much hassle?
Isn't there tons of tourism money?
Anyway, so I'm going to keep Costa Rica, but the rest of Central America can go.
Nicaragua, El Salvador, Honduras, Guatemala, Belize.
Sinking into the sea.
Mexico.
I don't know guys.
I feel really mean.
What's the population of Mexico?
This is how Mao and Stalin and Hitler must have felt when they decided to murder millions of people.
It picks away your guilt.
I'm about to kill 130 million people in Mexico by sinking them into the sea.
But really, I mean, Vincente Fox was asked, what has Mexico ever delivered?
And he said, oh, the Aztecs had the calendar while you guys were still in caves.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no, no, no.
Now we're talking about like the past hundred years and he goes, well the food, the taco.
Tacos suck.
Don't tell my wife this.
I don't like taco night.
It's a stupid food.
I did a video about this for Rebel where I was talking about how awesome the cheeseburger is.
You have to eat it with your head sideways and then it falls everywhere.
You need a fork to clean up the mess.
What if you're eating it on the street?
Tacos are stupid and that's what you have to offer?
Plus, you're all pouring up into America, lowering our minimum wage, you're contributing to crime, we've got MS-13.
We're literally talking about building a wall.
If you're talking about building a wall for a country, it has to go.
So I'm sorry.
Mexico is gone.
So, oh wait, Jesus Christ!
I killed Israel!
Uh, I'm glad I didn't actually push the final button on this.
I'm pulling Israel back in the Middle East.
Now it's just an island.
See, you have to have Western values, really, is my only criteria.
And isn't it a coincidence that when you embrace Western values, you tend to be a great place?
When you tend to like the free market, not be communist, not be religious, in the sense that church and state remain as one, like it does in Iran.
Have you noticed that when we promote secularism, church and state being separate, when we have the free market going, we tend to be an awesome place to live?
Have you noticed that?
Canada, my hometown, it's just a very cold America.
I don't even know why there's a border.
Can we just forget that stupid border?
The dollar's about the same.
Alaska, I mean, who are you hurting?
It's, it's, that's like saying I want Antarctica to die.
A few people up there, a lot of drunks.
Alaska, you can stay.
So I started out this podcast, which has been a doozy.
I started out this podcast saying, I miss when you could just make stupid offensive jokes and everyone knew you were kidding and it was awesome.
And I glommed onto that inarguable hypothesis.
An arguable hypothesis, which is the West is the best, and one of the things we liked joking about was the West is the best.
Now, I didn't present that argument great because I used a PJ O'Rourke essay where he was shitting on a lot of Westerners.
But hey, this isn't a high school essay.
This isn't my dissertation.
As Jim Norton says, nobody said I had to be consistent.
But it's inarguable that comedy has been imposed with more rules.
I don't see how you could deny that.
But I also have trouble understanding how you can deny the West is the best.
And I've just proved it by painstakingly going over everywhere in the world.
And I would like to tell you what remains after the gigantic purge where I hired God at over $100,000 an hour.
He's very quick though.
He built this whole place in seven days.
To use his giant hand to push places down.
So just to recap, And you'll be happy to hear this because I'm going- oh wait, Hawaii?
Yeah, you can stick around.
I'm going to recap everyone who gets to live.
Everyone else, you either better get out of there or just start blowing all your money because you're about to be sanked.
Alaska, Canada, United States of America, you're in.
Mexico, all of Central America except Costa Rica, you're gone.
Costa Rica is just an island now.
As far as the islands go, the Caribbean, Cuba, Haiti, DR, Puerto Rico, you're all gone.
I'm keeping Barbados, Bahamas, that's about it.
Sorry Trinidad.
I think it's illegal to be gay in most of these countries anyway.
I think it's actually illegally gay in Barbados.
Even the civilized one had this dumb Caribbean law.
As far as South America goes, it's getting circumcised, and we are losing Venezuela, Colombia, and Ecuador.
Everywhere else is cool.
You know what?
I'll keep Guyana.
Guyana, Peru, I forgive you for killing Trayvon Martin.
Brazil, Bolivia, Peru, everyone else, fine.
Falklands, you're in.
And some of these dumb little places like French Polynesia, whatever, you're in.
Don't worry about it.
Europe is in!
Germany, I have faith that you'll see from Poland that you can be saved.
Ukraine, I consider you... I consider you Europe.
You're in.
Romania, goodbye.
I hate gypsies.
I hate all gypsies.
I don't see that as racist.
In fact, plenty of gypsies are white.
They're called, what, the Northern Travelers or something in Britain.
Guys, that's a good example of the West being the best and your obsession with hating daddy is fucked up.
Could you glorify these gypsies?
Gypsies today in Britain, the Irish travelers, they keep slaves.
They kidnap bums and keep them as slaves.
Does that offend your palate?
You're an environmentalist.
These gypsies will go to some sort of nature preserve, pave it with tar and pavement, and then put their trailers there.
They just ruined your nature preserve.
And they have slaves.
You know what they do when you're a gay gypsy boy?
This was, Brad Pitt played one in that movie, what was it called?
Peaky Blinders?
No.
It's one word.
But that, those guys.
They'll beat the shit out of their gay sons every day.
If you meet a gay gypsy, do not fight him, dude.
He's been fighting since he was a toddler, and he will kick your ass, because he's basically Mike Tyson.
So, sorry, Romania, you may have produced Kennedy on Fox Business, but, uh, uh, what's it called, uh, uh, Civilian Casualties?
My God, sometimes when you do these podcasts, your brain blanks.
On the simplest of terms.
Collateral damage, that's it.
So most of Europe we're saving.
Bulgaria, Turkey, no, goodbye.
Greece, yes.
It's gonna be a little tricky navigating that part of the world.
All of Africa is completely gone.
The Middle East is completely gone, except for Israel.
Afghanistan, Pakistan is gone.
Uzbekistan, Azerbaijan, and Turkmenistan, and Kyrgyzstan and Tajikstan I'm keeping as my own little personal fetish.
I could see my son taking over the business and getting rid of those as a holdover from his dad's crazy fetishes.
It's like my old landlord, Vito Conigliere, he had to keep an apartment in Soho for his dad's gumar, his dad's mistress.
She was paying like $300 of rent to live in Soho.
And she had a radio that had tubes.
It was from the 40s.
And he had to fix it for her.
She still wore like her hair in a bun and had high heel shoes at 80 and a fur coat and stuff.
But he had to go on eBay to fix her radio because she didn't want a new radio.
She was living in a time capsule.
And he couldn't wait for her to die because he was going to be, you know, raise the rent to $7,000.
I'm not exaggerating.
So that's probably what my son's gonna do, you know, when he inherits the earth.
Finland, Sweden, Norway, I told you I kept all Northern Europe.
Iceland is good.
Russia's gone!
Russia, Mongolia, China, North Korea, I'm sinking you into the sea.
Goodbye.
Same with Southeast Asia.
Sorry, too many kiddie prostitutes.
Thailand, Vietnam, Malaysia, Indonesia.
You're done.
Samaria.
Papua New Guinea, you're a bunch of cannibals.
Goodbye.
Philippines, I'm gonna leave.
For fun.
Taiwan, I'm gonna leave.
South Korea, Japan, I'm gonna leave.
Of course, Australia.
I was just kidding.
Earlier when I talked about killing you.
I love you.
Australia, New Zealand, you're here to stay.
Proud of your boy.
That's it for this incredibly long episode, but in my defense, this episode is discussing the entire world.
Seven and a half billion people and their stupid, shitty cultures that aren't even close to as good as our culture.
And if there's anything that exemplifies that, it's the cheeseburger versus every other food In the entire world.
Please tune in to my other shows.
I've got CRTV Tonight coming.
I think it's 98% sure it's getting picked up.
It's gonna be every second week on CRTV.com.
I also have my show, Get Off My Lawn, every day Monday to Thursday on CRTV.
Although if CRTV gets picked up, I may have to trim it back that week because I'll have to shoot it.
You know, it's an extra show.
And then of course this podcast, which is totally and utterly mega free and always will be, and I can swear in it and do whatever you guys!
My five-year-old just started doing that.
I don't know where he got it from, but he does a, a, uh, up-speak, whatever you call it, uh, babysitter chick where he goes, um, I like one, I got some french fries, you guys!
Must be from Cartoon Network or something, but it is funny seeing a five-year-old do that.
Oh, that'll be a good, uh, subject next week, is parenting tips.
I'm still figuring out how to get them off screens, it's the bane of my existence.
Anyway, guys, I like you more than a friend, and I will see you Friday.
