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March 9, 2018 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
42:54
Get Off My Lawn Podcast #31 | Remember When Matt and Trey Were Called South Park Conservatives?

This episode was meant to be a look at the socially liberal, libertarian views of Matt Stone and Trey Parker but it quickly veers into nothing but unsubstantiated gossip about the two comedy legends.

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Remember when Matt and Trey were called South Park Conservatives?
That was a thing in the early aughts.
You don't really say that anymore.
You might hear some clinking and some moving around.
I got rid of my desk today.
It's the stupidest desk in the world.
I'm a drunk, but I'm also a dry drunk.
So when I'm sober and I make decisions, I come up, like I have to overdo it.
I'll get a burrito and I'll have so many jalapenos and hot sauce in it that it's physically painful to eat.
And then the next day it'll hurt.
No, not even the next day.
That evening it'll hurt when I pee.
And I'm glad I'm married, because I'd be wondering what floozy caused that.
But it's from a burrito that I didn't enjoy.
And the desk that I had was, I'll be conservative, 8 feet by 6 feet.
I thought it would look cool on camera, but it doesn't.
And in our building, they said that we're, I could tell that they were junking an office next door, and I know the guy's there, and I said, can I give you some junk?
And they said, we don't care.
And so I threw my junk in with their junk, and I'm just gonna get a normal desk now.
Anyway, that's boring.
People in my business have to understand that the behind the scenes is dull, especially, hey, editors at magazines.
We don't need your opening letter.
That, uh, well, what a strange month it's been.
I remember seeing, especially with real amateurs, they'd say, a lot of people didn't want this to happen, but it happened, and here it is.
The new issue of Ego Trip.
Or, yeah, today's quite a whirlwind.
We got a lot of women in this month's edition of GQ.
You can talk to Jane Fonda, who's back after two years abroad.
No one cares.
Just have the articles there.
It's not like I'm reading this magazine on a desert island and I'm cherishing it so much that I can't wait to hear from the editor.
It's really just someone taking advantage of their pulpit, right?
Like teachers do all the time.
And I shouldn't have bored you with that stupid story about my desk.
God.
Well, it's relevant though, because it'll explain the little plinks and plonks you hear over the course of this podcast.
No, I want to focus on South Park.
I never liked South Park because I'm a cartoonist, originally.
That was my first job.
My first sort of career, I should say.
And I'm very snobby about cartoons.
I like Peter Bagg, Dan Clowes, all the Canadian guys, Seth, Joe Matt, Chester Brown.
I like auto bio stuff, Julie Doucette, Ivan Brunetti, all of those sort of fancy fan of graphics guys.
And a lot of the Montreal guys like Henriette Valium and the aforementioned Julie Doucette, Mark Bell.
So when I see crappy drawing, I can enjoy the cartoon.
Sometimes it's good though, like Mike Judge with Beavis and Butthead and Hank Hill and King of the Hill.
That's bad on purpose and you can tell the cartoonist could do a much better job.
So I like that.
Not as much though as someone great.
But like South Park with it's little moving construction paper.
They're brilliant guys.
Their show is amazing.
I just can't look at it.
Sorry.
And I hate the way, even today at the barber.
The barbers were talking about, yeah, well, they got a South Park episode on that.
It's sort of like the new, there's an app for that.
So every time you bring up a thing, and we're bringing up that cliche thing that we always talk about in barbershops where the 14 year old's screwing his teacher and the dad died of excessive high fives.
And when I was a boy, my teachers were all ugly.
It's not the most creative.
Man dialogue, but it's sort of our Rolling Stones.
Like when you're just sitting with guys, you're not feeling creative, you want to barf out some words and not blow anyone's mind, you don't want to play devil's advocate and say things like, you know, more guns, less crime.
You go, you talk about those hot teachers.
I never got that.
I never got them to send me nudes.
Kumi has got a good bit about how, you know, when he was young, they were all just these old, big-titted Germanic women with, you know, buns in their hair, their hair up in a bun and a long wool dress, cankles.
And he goes, now you look up your teacher and there's a picture of her on Instagram drinking a Bud Light on a boat with all her shit-faced friends.
We did have one, though, Mrs. Hamilton, and she would kiss us.
We would get detentions.
I would get a detention on purpose to be with her.
And then in the class we would play, I think, blackjack?
Some sort of easy card game.
And then at the end of the detention, we'd all walk out, all boys, and we got to kiss her on the cheek.
We were probably seven?
Eight?
But yeah, that's a South Park episode.
They got a South Park episode for that.
So it's an integral part of our culture and I thought I would talk about some stupid rumors.
I've sort of tangentially known those guys for a long time.
And I want this episode to be unverified stupid gossip.
I'm not Ben Shapiro.
A lot of what I say is true, but sometimes it's like a stand-up comedian where you're saying the truth, but in a funny way.
This is even more distant than that.
A lot of the stuff I'm going to say on this episode are rumors that I do not know to be true, and I don't want to verify them.
If I was writing a book about South Park, I would definitely verify them, even if I was doing an article.
If I was still a columnist, still a writer.
I'm not really a writer anymore.
I would verify these things but these are just stupid stories and I have them pretty confirmed and I'm just gonna leave it at that.
I've definitely filled in tons of details where there was holes.
All I'm saying is don't take any of this to the bank.
But Matt and Trey Parker are really smart guys with huge balls but the way they came to success is kind of a funny A funny root.
Now, here's where the gossip comes.
Ready?
This is not necessarily true.
I believe it to be true, but I have a few sources that have told me this.
Do not take this to the bank.
Ready?
Trey Parker's a fag.
You heard me.
I've heard he's gay.
Yeah, but he's married.
He's married to a Japanese woman.
You can basically do whatever you want with a Japanese woman, including never fuck them.
So, I'm not counting that.
He's like, I'm gonna go camping with Roy for three days.
Bye!
Oh, bye.
I will have your food ready when you come home.
Um...
So that doesn't count.
Now, what really blows me away with, what really blows me about Gays in the Closet is, what are you doing in 2018?
I talked earlier about my dead uncle who never came out of the closet.
And as my dad said, 50s understand, 60s make sense, maybe.
70s?
What are you doing?
80s?
90s?
Hey homosexuals, I would like you to go look in the mirror right now.
Okay?
Take a good, long stare at yourself, and now listen to me very closely.
You ready?
Nobody cares.
Yep.
Maybe you could just loop that.
I don't know if you have a sampler at home.
Maybe you could borrow Reggie Watts' human beatbox hip-hop thing he uses on stage.
Nobody cares.
It's not revolutionary to be gay anymore.
You're not blowing any minds.
Gay marriage?
Yes.
Some people oppose that because they knew you were going to use it To dilute the authenticity of Catholicism, which is exactly what you did.
Charging people, giving them fines for not having gay marriages in their living room.
Remember that?
There's a couple upstate.
They have marriages in their living room occasionally.
They didn't want to do a gay one.
And some lesbians, they're always lesbians it seems, found them.
Demanded it.
They said no.
They got sued.
13 grand.
Of course the government takes 10 and they get 1500 each just to be basically a cunt.
The bakeries, all that stuff.
You're not asking Muslim bakeries to bake your cake.
Anyway.
We weren't against gay marriage.
And when I say we, I mean the right, although I was for gay marriage until I realized I had been duped.
The anti-gay marriage thing wasn't anti-gay.
It was anti-wrecking marriage and using it as a political device, which is exactly what they did.
They always do that.
The left is famous for using people to make a point, just like the gays at the Irish Day Parade.
Back in the early aughts, they demanded they be part of it, and someone said, I never knew you were so big on being Irish.
She goes, meh, we just thought it was a good place to showcase our rights, our human rights.
Ah, okay, I get it now.
So, the idea, like, closeted gaze in this day and age, like Oprah, what are you doing, Oprah?
Ellen got a show.
No one cares.
I'm sure there's some old black ladies that will be disappointed and a few evangelists.
Not a consequential amount.
And for all that you lose, you gain the whole virtue signaling, I'm gay, it's horrible.
I remember when Milo and I went down to Orlando after the Pulse shooting with bodyguards and, you know, we're eyeing the roof for assassins.
And we bravely said, fuck Islam, and then started making out.
I Frenched a gayman.
A gayman, I believe they're called.
And that was brave of me and Milo.
And then later, like a month later, I saw there was this trend on Twitter where gays were making out with each other in their living room.
I forget what the hashtag was, but it was something like, you can't scare me, terrorists.
I still love my boyfriend.
Whoa.
You're making out with someone you love in your own living room?
That's dangerous.
Watch out!
Oh my god, someone might even block you on Twitter.
That's really what a lot of this modern gayness is.
It's like wishing they were blacks.
And even being black in 2018, what are you doing?
Who cares?
Black lives matter, duh!
Everyone wants it to be the 50s so badly.
Anyway, sorry, that's quite a tangent to talk about, Trey.
By the way, another sort of demographic that's been getting on my nerves recently, besides gays who think it's a big deal that they're gay and that they're in love with someone like we care, and black people who think it's so horrible being black and they're revolutionaries because they went to see a fucking superhero movie for kids.
There's another demographic, there's these Jewish upper-middle class Jewish liberals, they have stubbly beards, they're over-educated, they usually have a master's in something, and on Twitter they put their name in brackets, and they think it's a big deal that they're Jewish.
If there's one thing people care about less than if you're gay or if you're black, it's if you're Jewish in 2018.
But I think these guys, their Baby Boomer parents, right, are still traumatized by all the horror stories that their grandfathers, you know, the father of Baby Boomer, told the dad.
And that, those were horror stories, by the way, don't get me wrong.
And then the dad, you know, tells the son these stories, passes him down.
It's like hereditary PTSD.
And so the son goes, all right, Dad, I'm going to fight Nazis.
So he gets out on social media and joins Antifa and starts calling everyone a Nazi.
Sam Seder does this all the time.
They get on their little blog, their podcast, and say, Trump's a Nazi, and we're fighting Nazis, and Trump is the Gestapo.
They're big on Trump.
He's the new Hitler, right?
And you go, your whole existence, your whole political existence, is trying to impress your dad.
And you're sitting there calling all these people Nazis, totally ignoring, you know, the jihadists who want to kill them, and just focusing on the Bigfoot, chasing these fictional Nazis everywhere.
And they got Richard Spencer, they got Heather Heyer, they have like a half a dozen real cases, and they just extrapolate that into KKK America.
So, three boring groups of people.
Oh, woe is me, I'm black.
Oh, you hate me because I'm gay.
Oh, you hate me because I'm Jewish.
Because I'm Jewish, you must be a Nazi.
Sorry about this cough.
God, you must be annoyed.
I just spent a week watching baseball games.
You'd think you'd be baseballed out after that, but now I just work at Baseball Co.
I could go to a game right now.
And I wouldn't be excited or not excited.
It would just be like, it must be like, I'm going to go see Elvis Costello tonight, and he's going to play Pump It Up, I assume.
I'm sure he doesn't hate Pump It Up, but he doesn't like Pump It Up.
It's just like, that's my job.
I get out there and I go, pump it up until you can't feel it.
Pump it up when you don't even need it.
He's singing about getting a boner, by the way.
He's singing about beating off.
What a curse that is.
You write a song about cranking it in 1968, And it's the bane of your existence well into your 70s.
He must be in his 70s by now.
All right, so Trey Parker, gay.
Why does that matter, Gavin?
I thought you just spent about a 20-minute tangent talking about how it doesn't matter.
Well, it matters when you won't shut up about it.
Like, I went to see that the play, what was it called, the Broadway play that he does, Mormon.
Book of Mormon.
Well, what is it?
Book of Mormon?
Yeah.
So I went to see that.
I got good tickets because I'm rich and famous.
And the whole movie is making fun of Mormons who go to Africa and are closeted.
That doesn't seem like a very big target to me.
It's not a high priority.
I don't get why you'd go to Africa.
I don't get why you'd go to any shithole country and try to bring them Western values.
We got enough people in America, your hometown, who don't have healthcare, who don't have money, who don't have a job.
There's so much you could do in a 10-mile radius.
Volunteer, Kids Without Dads.
I don't know why you'd ever go to Mozambique.
But that's not really something I bitch about a lot.
It doesn't affect my life, and it's not like, you know, they're hurting the American economy or anything.
So the whole play is about that.
Ha ha ha!
These guys are so stupid.
And then the sort of second part, besides, what are they doing in Africa?
Africa's scary, is he's clearly gay, and he's such a pussy.
He's so closeted.
And I think, well, wait a minute, Trey, as far as I'm concerned, you're closeted.
So you did a whole successful super Broadway mega play about what a pussy you are if you stay in the closet.
And didn't he have one on, I think there was a South Park about Tom Cruise called Trapped in the Closet, all about what a loser Tom Cruise is for not recognizing that he's a gigantic homosexual.
But isn't that Trey Parker and his Japanese wife?
And by the way, if you're gay and you're married and you haven't told the woman or you dump her, you know, after 15 years, I feel like that's kind of rape.
If you're plowing into this woman.
Hating every minute of it.
I met this woman a few months ago out here in the burbs, and she said that her husband, who turned out to be gay, I believe, would schedule a cunnilingus Saturdays at 8 to 10.
In other words, it makes him want to barf, but he knows he's supposed to do that, so let's at least delegate it to one time.
So it would be like me, I'll eat anchovies Saturday at 10pm.
Maybe I'll get drunk all day and it won't seem so bad.
That's essentially what that guy was doing, eating anchovies.
Now to treat a woman's vagina like an anchovy is rape.
Right?
You were... It's like... She thinks she's having sex with Exhibit A, and you're actually Exhibit B. That's like having sex with someone else's wife, dressed in a Halloween costume at a Halloween party.
You've got the same costume as her husband, and you're just wearing the same Frankenstein suit, plowing into some guy's wife.
Oh, that cough had a little bit of a kick to it.
I think we're getting through the... We're getting through the mist here.
We're getting through the fog.
Anyway, so...
That bothered me about the Book of Mormon.
It just seemed hypocritical.
And I don't know why I had to segue all this heavy homosexuality to begin my South Park episode because this episode is just a bunch of stupid gossip.
Alright.
Exhibit A.
So they, they, and I know this to be a fact, so their first cartoon ever was this stupid construction paper crap where they, you know, stop motion animation and it was called like, Jesus Merry Christmas Sucks and Jesus is a Fag.
And there's a thing a lot of gays do where they hate Christianity.
Because they see it as a book, like the Quran, that says gays are stupid and gays stink.
So the more they can discredit Christianity, the better it makes them feel.
You know, I mean, we're all the same way.
If someone hates us, we want to go, yeah, well, they're an idiot and they're not a good critic.
So I'm actually glad that you hate me.
It actually, I feel sorry for you.
That's the big high school thing, remember that?
I actually feel sorry for her.
So gays go, Christianity is so stupid, I hate Jesus, Jesus whatever.
So let's crap on Jesus and then this guy who says thou shalt not lie with other man whatever has less credibility.
And again, gays.
I'm sure there are people in the South who read that, but even like, remember my fellow CRTV host, Phil Robertson, said, we're getting gays married, then what's next?
You're gonna have marrying animals and all kinds of things, where does it end?
I mean, you gotta follow the Bible or you don't.
And he was considered a lunatic, and he was kicked off of Duck Dynasty, and then they realized, oh, actually, everyone likes him, I have to bring him back.
But even he, at the peak of all that controversy, said, no, I'm not saying they're evil or going to hell, that's God's decision.
I'm just telling you what's in the Bible.
And the Bible doesn't condone it.
So even when you think you have this horrible homophobic Christian, you talk to the guy and he goes, no, no, no, I'm just saying it's considered a sin.
So is boozing, by the way, and plenty of other stuff.
But as far as like, damn thee all to hell, and I hate them all, and God hates fags, Fred Phelps stuff, no, no, no, no, no, that's not my job, that's God's job.
Any hizzles.
So, they do this cartoon, and Trey Parker's the mastermind here, and Trey Parker probably hates Jesus because Trey Parker's gay.
Again, that's my theory.
I don't have any proof.
And this dude, Brian Graydon, picks it up.
Now, Brian Graydon is a raging homosexual, very out of the closet, I'm pretty sure.
And he went to an evangelical college.
So he's sitting there in, or maybe a Christian college, whatever.
I'm not that well informed when it comes to religion, so I screw up like Episcopalian and Protestant and all that stuff.
All I know is it's a big fancy building where you go and thank the Lord that you were born.
I don't know any of the details.
So anyway, Brian Graydon sees this and goes, this is fucking genius, you guys.
I love the way that you're making fun of Jesus.
I love it!
So, He instantly signs them.
I guess they instantly get a show on, was it Comedy Central?
You can read all this on Wikipedia.
And within seconds, they're rich.
Now, I believe they were both living in Colorado at the time.
Maybe it was L.A.
See, this is not the most informed thing.
Dave told me Colorado.
The story I heard was L.A., so I'm going to stick with my original rumor.
And this is a funny story because I don't want this to be confirmed.
If this isn't true, I don't care.
I love this story.
You may not touch it.
Leave it alone.
Don't tell me.
Don't fact check this.
You can fact check it on your own, but if I'm wrong, don't tell me.
This is my Santa Claus.
So the story I got was Matt Stone found out, no, Trey Parker found out first.
And they were given like a million dollars.
Here you go.
And so Trey goes, that is so awesome.
I'm just going to buy a house.
So he starts driving around neighborhoods and maybe it was Echo Park and he goes, that's a nice house.
So he walks up and he goes, hi, I want to buy your house.
And they go, that's nice.
Goodbye.
And he goes, no, no, no, stop, stop.
They go, our house isn't for sale.
And then he says, yes, it is.
Then they go, no, it's not.
And he goes, yes, it is.
And they go, no, it's not.
And he goes, how about $1.5 million?
And they go, yes, it is.
And he just buys a house at 130% market value and moves in.
The family's still there.
They got to get their shit out at some point during the next week.
And then he calls Matt and they were both washing dishes, I believe at the same restaurant.
And he calls Matt Stone and he goes, Matt, uh, come over to this address after work.
I have a surprise.
And Matt goes, whatever, dude.
Just smoking pot, washing cheese.
I've washed dishes before.
Your arch enemy is that nacho cheese when it's baked on the edge of the plate.
He's scraping away at that.
And then works over, and he goes over to the house.
And Trey goes, this is my house.
What'd you think?
And Matt then finds out that they're both instantly rich, from dishwashers to rich guys in the snap of a finger, thanks to Brian Graydon's resentment of Christianity and Trey Parker's deep-seated resentment of the Lord Jesus.
So then Matt Stone goes, I want a house too!
So he goes next door and does the exact same thing to the neighbors.
No, we're not selling it.
Let's say the house, you know, back then houses in LA were not expensive.
$800,000 would be like a movie star's house.
So let's say it was like $600,000 and then they just offered $800,000 and the owner of the house went, well, that's $200,000.
I can just move a block away.
My kids don't have to change schools.
Sure.
That's a good check.
That's twice my, that's three times my annual salary.
So, Matt and Trey are now rich neighbors, and over time, the families that live there eventually get their stuff out and they move their stuff in.
They're probably just sitting on the floor eating ramen noodles.
That's what poor guys do when they get rich.
And they begin the most successful show in the history of Comedy Central.
Comedy Central sucked back then.
It was lost.
It didn't really have any direction.
And they sort of became The top executives without being executives.
So if Matt and Trey don't like you at Comedy Central, it's probably still like that today, you're screwed.
You can't do anything.
In fact, I talked earlier about that woman, I forget her name, blonde haired woman, her nickname in the scene was the killer of comedy because she was so bad at her job and her job was being head of programming at Comedy Central.
I believe she's out now.
But they still have women, you know, choosing Trevor Noah because he's international and he represents the war on racism.
Nice criteria for choosing a funny man, ladies.
But this woman, uh, Laura something?
She, uh, she, all she was, was the saleswoman who was working selling, uh, South Park when it hit the big time.
So it was everyone just remotely associated with the show won the lottery.
So she's instantly the head of programming.
This sales lady who has no idea what she's doing.
And they start writing up shows.
Now the crazy thing about South Park is, Trey Parker writes 99% of the show.
He sits alone in a room.
But they can afford a writing staff, and they'd be dumb not to do it.
You know, they should spend the money.
Although, those guys are very cool about money.
Did you know Team America World Police was a total loss?
It cost a fucking fortune to make, and Matt and Trey had to, uh, what's the word, abscond?
They had to, uh, ignore- they waived their fees and put that into the budget.
So they made zero dollars on that movie.
And who in their right minds can watch Team America World Police and not go, this is better than Michelangelo?
It is a work of art.
I'm not exaggerating when I say that it is on par with the roof of the Sistine Chapel.
I feel the same way about any Curb Your Enthusiasm season, especially the last one.
The whole concept of fatwa sex is so good.
Both Team America, World Police, and the last episode of Curb, I don't even laugh.
I just watch in awe at these beautiful brushstrokes.
The way Larry David combines the A plot and the B plot at the end there, and I've written a lot of shows and that's a very challenging thing to do that I obviously wasn't very good at because none of my shows got picked up, but the way he does it with women in wheelchairs fighting over him at the end of the episode and dude, he was joking around on Kimmel, his character was, about the Ayatollah Khomeini And there's a fatwa out on him.
Then a Muslim assassin who has a heart of gold, that's already hilarious, decides to research Larry's gripes.
And we go over past episodes and the guy goes, yeah, actually you are a pig Parker.
Larry was right.
He ends up sort of falling in love with Larry in the sense that becoming a huge admirer of his.
And then instead of killing him, presents his case.
To the Ayatollah at the end.
I mean, that's so funny I forgot to laugh.
Honestly.
Anyway.
So those guys are cool with money, and Matt and Trey say, let's hire a writing staff.
And they got, I think, Kristen Schaal.
You know, Kristen Schaal from Last Man on Earth?
Super funny chick.
Actually, I hung out with her a couple of times.
She probably doesn't like me anymore because of Trump.
But she's the same way.
When something's super funny, she's so into comedy and always has been that she'll say, that was very, very funny, and not laugh.
A lot of really good comics are like that.
They love comedy so much, they just, instead of laughing, they go, funny.
Ricky Gervais is one of the few who can still laugh his head off.
But the way it works over there is you play, I believe the game is FIFA?
So you have Matt Stone and the writing staff sitting in a huge, beautiful living room, you know, studio, office.
It's basically the same as a house.
There's probably a kitchen there.
And they just play FIFA.
And that's been the history of South Park.
They've been doing that since day one, basically.
Trey Parker will write an entire episode.
Again, this is all rumors, so don't take this to the bank.
And then he'll come out and he'll say, what about this?
We have Tom Cruise.
He's stuck in the closet.
It's kind of a parody of R. Kelly.
Then Cartman farts on his face.
Sounds good, boss!
And then he goes back into the other room and keeps hammering away on the keyboard.
Maybe one in 20 times they'll go, eh, I don't know.
Haven't you already done like a lot of fart jokes?
Yeah, okay, I'll take out one fart joke.
Okay.
And a lot of these young writers go, uh, this is an awesome gig.
When I'm 65.
Like, if I got two divorces and they usurped my nest egg and I needed a steady income to pay for my new wife and my new four-year-old now that I'm 68, that's a good job.
You sit there and you just coast.
You know, you could sleep.
But a lot of young people, I think, quit working at South Park because it's too fun.
It's too easy.
And I believe that Matt Stone Could enter a global competition at FIFA and beat all the top, like he's accidentally a gamer.
He's probably the top FIFA player in the world.
By the way, he's not gay.
I hung out with him one night.
Very good guy, very quality guy.
I guess it's weird that I'm shitting on them by outing Trey.
I'm not even outing him because it's based on a rumor, so I have no evidence.
I'm just sitting here gossiping about people I respect and admire and are pretty jealous of.
Matt's into black chicks.
That's the opposite of gay.
That's very heterosexual.
Big, strong, black woman.
And he pounds.
Actually, maybe that is gay.
I don't know.
It would be a weird coincidence, though, if they were both gay and they didn't hook up.
That's what it must be like being gay when you're friends.
You must just go, want a blowjob?
Uh, all right, buddy.
Like, why?
That's what I don't get about male and female friends.
Why not just start fucking?
I'm about to masturbate by using my hand as a vagina.
You're about to go to the bathroom and finger yourself.
Why don't we just cut the hands out and I'll put this in there?
Seems logical.
Oh my god, I have to tell you this story.
Okay, so we're in Florida and we're doing MOS, Man on the Streets.
They're very beneficial.
Everyone loves looking at them.
It's like free actors.
It adds color to your show.
It's a great thing to do as far as the viewer goes.
As far as the host goes, I fucking hate it.
I hate doing streeters.
People aren't funny.
When they try to be funny, they're even less funny.
It's like getting blood from a stone.
I kind of don't mind Times Square, because at least you're talking to people in India and Indonesia.
It's all tourists, right?
And Irish and Scottish, so there's a lot of variety there.
But actually going on the street, and everyone's reluctant.
And that pisses me off, too, because they're dubious.
And you think, are you accusing me of making this into, you know, taking advantage of you somehow?
Screw you.
That's an insult.
Anyway.
I find this gay guy and he hates Trump.
Did he make it into the show, Dave?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
And that's fun and everything.
And then I see this couple sitting down outside a movie theater.
And I go over and I go, what's going on?
Hi.
Oh, you guys on a date?
They go, no, I don't think so.
What do you mean?
Oh, we're just friends.
And I go, what are you talking about?
There's no such thing as male and female friends.
Stop it.
What, are you going to go camping together?
Am I going to tell my wife, hey honey, hey Em, I'm going to go camping with Leslie Arfin for three days.
Just me and her alone in a tent for three days.
She'd probably go, well, why can't I come?
Like, why are you alone with your female friend in a tent?
So I said that to the couple, basically.
And he goes, oh, we met up playing a video game, Second Life, whatever it is, World of Warcraft, some bullshit.
And I moved here to hang out with her.
I'm from Pennsylvania.
And I go, you moved here to be with your female friend from Pennsylvania to Florida?
Now that makes me assume he's, you know, an adult.
You moved somewhere.
You obviously didn't get your family to move down.
So I assume they're adults.
And I go, why don't you guys get together?
Let's cut the bullshit.
And she goes, well, that would be weird, because I'm bisexual.
And I go, oh, OK.
Well, that's still 50% options there.
And then I said to him, just hook up.
Like, get a ring on it or whatever you want to do, but make her your girlfriend.
I mean, worst case scenario, there's going to be tons of threesomes going on.
She just said she's bisexual.
She goes, well, I'm Catholic, so.
And I'm going, what?
You're making it clear you're bisexual, but you also have to follow Catholicism?
What are you talking about, dummy?
Then a woman shows up, and she goes, what the hell's going on here?
And I go, oh, we're just doing these little talks on the street, whatever.
And she goes, did you get permission to talk to her?
And I go, well, you're in a public place.
Reasonable expectation of being videotaped.
And we have a camera on her.
It's not like I'm tricking anyone.
And I go, wait a minute, is she under 18?
And she goes, yes.
And then I go, oh, well, don't worry about it.
We can't use it anyway.
We need parents' permission for anyone under 18.
So it's deleted.
And that should be the end of that.
But it's not.
And the woman goes, I didn't give you, I don't give you permission.
And I go, that doesn't matter.
I would, to get to use this footage, I'd need a bunch of paperwork I don't have on me.
And it's, it's, it's a dumb rule with these cameras.
Like at spring training, I, there was a ton of kids that want to talk to the camera about, about kindergarten and all the, and the Mets.
And I thought, sounds great, kid.
I don't have time to sit here with your parents, getting everything written in duplicate, triplicate.
So she goes, I don't, uh, I don't think the managers know you're out here.
That'd be very interesting if they would find that out.
And I think, oh, great.
This woman's going to make a big deal out of this.
So this was in a big complex.
There's a restaurant and a bowling alley and a movie theater.
So my dad is with us and my dad's with my son.
So I go back to the booth and I go, Ooh, that was weird.
I take my hat off and my glasses.
Now I'm a different person, just like Clark Kent.
And I sit down at the booth, and I go, uh, I go, uh, that was weird.
Some woman, I think, is telling the manager here.
Actually, I don't even know if I did catch everyone up to date, because I figured it was over at that point.
About 15 minutes later, a manager comes up to me, and he goes, I got to talk to one of you.
You or you, it's up to you.
And I go, talk to me.
So he goes, come here.
And he takes me to the dining room, and he closes the door, and he goes, look, here's the deal.
Were you talking to some teenage girl out there saying you wanted a threesome?
And I go, what?
No, no, no, no.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No.
And he goes, well, yeah, I didn't think so.
He goes, there's a woman out there who's called the cops.
And she said that you were trying to make a porno with her daughter or something like that.
And I go, holy shit.
That's insane.
And he goes, well, the cops are on their way here.
So you got two minutes to get the fuck out of here.
So, I'm in panic mode now.
I can't find my glasses.
Meanwhile, they're in my pocket.
I put them in there when I took them off for my disguise.
I go, where are my glasses?
My glasses are gone.
I gotta pay the check.
And I'm leaving money for the bill.
Now, of course, my dad's Scottish, so to leave too much money... Like, I just want to throw down 100 bucks and run out the back, but our bill's only, like, 60.
He's like, hang on, I'm gonna hang on!
He'd rather we went to jail as pedophiles than leave too big of a tip.
So I go, Dave and I gotta get out of here.
So, my son and his grandpa I go, you guys go out the front, we sneak out the back door, we run across two parking lots, and I call him and I say, we're over here at this Ruby Tuesdays.
And he goes, alright, I'll be there in a minute.
And then he shows up, like ten minutes later, on his legs.
And he's with my son.
And I go, what are you doing?
And he goes, you said you're here.
I'm here to meet you.
And I go, I expected you to bring the car.
We're doing, we're about to go to jail for filming teenage girls in threesomes.
And yeah, let's let the lawyer explain that over the next two weeks, uh, that we're innocent.
Actually, we'd have the videotape though.
That would be good.
And he goes, Oh, you want the car?
I just thought we're going to go in here.
Yeah, we're going to go bar hopping and then just leave the bar every time someone calls the cops.
Meanwhile, I can see five cop cars out front with the sirens going, not the actual audio of sirens, but the lights lighting up the parking lot.
Dad, we got to go.
This is a big deal.
So he gets the car and we go in there and then we just, uh, We order in that night.
Decide to take it easy.
We don't go back to that restaurant.
But that could have been real bad.
You know?
And you know, in a strange way, I'm kind of on the mom's side.
Like, if the daughter's an idiot, obviously, she's 17, and the family's terrible for letting some boy move down here to be with the daughter as a friend, even if they were the same sex, I'd say, uh, I'm not really into this chick who wants to move down here because she met you playing a video game.
You're 17.
That's weird.
But outside of that, yeah, if your daughter tells you that someone with a video camera was talking about threesomes, yeah, I want to catch that guy.
I want to beat the crap out of him.
In this case, they would have got the wrong guy.
Anyway, so Trey Parker and Matt Stone are so powerful that it's sort of like, remember when Joan Rivers got a job offer and she appeared on another talk show and Johnny Carson hadn't okayed it?
And Johnny Carson is the one who gave Joan Rivers her career.
Her manager was her husband.
Johnny Carson don't play like that.
You have to clear it with him first, and he was so pissed he had her blackballed, and she was a pariah.
Joan Rivers' manager husband was so distraught after this error he made, this career error, That he killed himself.
He blew his head off because he felt so terrible about messing with Jones' career.
Yikes.
So similarly, Kenny Hotz used to write for South Park because he's hilarious.
And that meant playing video games, playing FIFA.
And he got an offer to do a show called Testies on FX.
And it was a really good show.
It was a show about And all our friends were doing this.
Maybe this is back in the 90s in Canada.
All my friends would do these things where you take medication or you try some horrible thing.
Like Fat Peter, we used to call him, would have to eat like seven tablespoons of salt a day because they were doing a thing on salt intake.
I think there was this other guy, Simon, I think he did the same experiment and he had a heart attack.
At the end they had to rush him to the hospital.
But these guys would abuse their bodies as they were guinea pigs, right?
And the joke, of course, the play on words is testes as in balls, but testes as in testers and testes.
And these guys, you know, they'd sit in a lab on bunks and they'd experiment with sleep deprivation and all kinds of stuff.
It's fucked up that we do that, isn't it?
It's like one step away from vivisection.
We lock up these poor, you know, guys with college debt, and we pump them full of drugs to see what screws up their body the most.
That's sick!
I never did it, but a lot of my friends did.
Anyway, it was a sitcom about that, and...
You know, I don't fault Kenny for this.
I would do this all the time.
You don't tell the other people you're working with because for every 50 things you throw at the wall, 49 don't stick.
So rather than clear everything with everyone, why don't I just wait till something sticks and then I'll take it up with you.
So I believe that's what Kenny did.
And testes took, FX said yes.
And so while it was ready to air the first episode, I believe, Kenny called Matt and said, could I have a show?
And Matt said, oh, I don't know, man.
OK, well, it's airing tonight.
What?
So he's fired from South Park.
And then again, these guys are the kings of the Comedy Central Castle.
He was blackballed from Comedy Central and blackballed basically from comedy after that.
And so Kenny's career was over, except for testes, and then when testes was done, Kenny had nothing.
And he had to try to get back into Matt Stone's pants.
And the story I heard was that he bought him a $1,500 dinner, which for a cheap Jew like Kenny Hotz, was physically painful.
But he did it, and Matt forgave him.
And he was back in their good books again.
So that is the story of South Park.
It's run by a brilliant, closeted gay dude.
That's just a rumor.
And this guy is surrounded with talented people who occasionally get frustrated because they're not really doing much.
They occasionally get punished for not being loyal enough, like Joan Rivers.
And I think these guys, besides those few cases, are wielding their power fairly justly.
I mean, my only minor beef is that if If Trey is gay, stop crapping on closeted gays, dude.
It's hypocritical of you.
And if he's not gay, well then this whole episode makes no sense.
But yeah, don't look up that house thing and tell me if I got it wrong, because I absolutely adore that story.
That is the end of this particular podcast.
I'm told to remind you that I have a show on CRTV.com, also named Get Off My Lawn.
I don't see how you could not know that, though.
I mean, if you like Billy Idol and you're a fan, do you need to go find out if he has a new album coming out?
Wouldn't you know that?
It's on my Twitter page.
I should also spill some beans.
I've got some pretty good news.
I'm 90% sure CRTV tonight will be picked up.
I'm not sure I'm supposed to tell you that, but I believe We'll do four episodes of Get Off My Lawn one week, and then the next week I'll only do two, and then go to DC or the studio here and shoot my new show, CRTV Tonight, which there's two episodes up already on CRTV.com.
You can see that.
So that's essentially three things we do now.
We have Get Off My Lawn, the show, CRTV.com, behind a paywall.
We have CRTV Tonight every second Friday, ideally, and that's behind the panel on CRTV.com.
And then we have this free podcast that is in the normal podcast world and that is not on CRTV.com.
And on this one, I can swear and tell you secrets and not worry about lawyers all the time.
Of course I'm gonna get sued, but who cares?
You know, there's two ways you can go through life.
Constantly worried about getting fired and getting sued, or just throwing it all into the wind and hoping that you don't get any diarrhea in your face.
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