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March 7, 2018 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
30:38
Get Off My Lawn #30 | How To Be a Man.

Being a man isn’t about lifting 350lbs and knowing how to replace a carburetor. It’s about not being a self-hating pussy who can’t wait to show his weaknesses to the world. If you can’t be the man we all wish you could be, fake it.

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How to be a man.
How do you become a man?
I'm actually kind of a pussy.
But in the grand scheme of things, in today's day and age, when I talk about how to be a man, I end up with some salient advice to these young millennials, because they've been so severely castrated, that when I say, get punched in the face once, It's Conan the Barbarian.
I'm Chuck Norris to young millennials, and I'm a pussy.
In fact, I'm on a golf course right now, walking with my bare feet like Chevy Chase in Caddyshack, and the grass is kind of coarse, and it hurts my delicate tootsies.
My tootsies are so delicate that my wife doesn't like it when they rub on her leg in bed, because it feels like a woman's foot.
And that's not attractive to her, to feel a perfectly smooth baby foot on her leg.
I also notice this with men.
When I shake hands, they feel my delicate talcum-ex, delicate paws.
And they go, this person's never worked a day in his life.
He's sub fag.
I mean, at least gays have worked.
So I'm looking at guys in golf carts and I'm thinking, these guys are about the same man level as me.
These middle class, slightly pudgy, you know, upper middle class guys in golf carts playing golf.
We're about the same.
And that's a good bare minimum to be.
In fact, golf is a good way to gauge how much of a man you are.
We're not saying that you have to go out and kill your dinner, although that's obviously awesome.
We're just saying you should be able to play golf.
And the fact that everyone's mad at Trump for playing golf shows how few people play golf.
Golf is a giant business meeting.
You know, it's boring to sit at a conference table and go over it, especially because so many women are there.
Uh-oh, something just jumped through the bushes.
So many women are there, and other affirmative action hires, and you have to go hear their terrible ideas, but the beauty of a golf course is it kind of weeds out the people who aren't meant to be there, I'm sorry to say, and you get the job.
It's amazing how much work gets done.
Everyone says, oh, and I, you know, I'll give Obama credit for this, although I'm Obamaist, so...
I have trouble thinking that he got as much done as Trump probably gets done on the golf course, but you get stuff done on the golf course.
When I had my ad agency, me and Sebastian, we would, and by the way, we suck, so we would buy like a box of golf balls, and the second a ball went anywhere we didn't like, we said, goodbye, buddy.
It was sort of like young boys in modern education.
We just said, goodbye, balls, and we let them go.
We would go through a box, a box of balls, and a good 10 beers, and then we would get a great client like we got Nivea.
Men's Nivea cream.
That's a thing.
I guess it must be gays, right?
Who cares about their skin?
I have AIDS on my face right now.
I think I have a herpetic sore on my nose.
I don't give a shit.
What am I gonna not get laid?
My wife just faces the other way.
She doesn't have to see this.
But uh...
What I want to say in this podcast, this particular episode, is can we get down to a bare minimum of dudeness, please?
I was just at the Mets game.
We're here in Florida, part St.
Lucie.
We're on a golf course.
And I'm looking at the rake for the sand trap out my back window.
I could go grab it right now.
There's probably going to be a bunch of dudes in golf carts drive by.
Not pussies.
Basic men.
That's what we'll call... I know the gays call, like, you're so basic.
I know gays think basic is, like, the lowest you can be.
I think that's a good place to be.
Let's get down to basic manhood.
I saw this guy at the Mets game, and this is... I'm seeing this a lot these days, and he had pretty good tits.
You know, I've dated girls with tits that he had.
Especially in my younger days.
And reasonable tits!
A man should not have reasonable tits.
A man should not have a petite woman's okay breasts.
Like they look like these sad sort of ferret heads.
These sort of tumultuous, turgid, dead pigeon fetuses.
Just sort of coming out of their chest with their little soft, beige areolas.
What kind of tit do you have?
You have a weird, a weird preemie possum's boobie sticking out of your chest.
That's not a good look.
You don't want a little mammal hanging off your chest.
No, you don't need gay pecs either.
I don't think women even like six packs.
Only gays like six-packs.
And ladies, stop it with the Lululemons working out.
We don't want to go down on you.
And by we, I mean 50% of the population.
And look up and see a six-pack.
We want to see like a little gunt.
We want to see some some Pillsbury Doe there.
But if I had boobies, I would say, okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
We gotta get a bench press.
We gotta You know what?
We've got to get steroids.
I'm actually considering taking steroids.
I said this to Kennedy of Fox Business News fame, and she goes, that's not so crazy.
She goes, a little dose, it's good for your joints.
It's like Peter Brimelow read an article about smoking that Ann Coulter turned me on to, and he said, the article said smoking is good for you.
And he said, if there was a smoker who was a pilot, would you rather get on the plane before he had a cigarette or after he had had a cigarette?
Yes, cigarettes can kill you.
Yes, they can cause lung cancer.
Cars can kill you, but they get you from A to B. And that's funny.
The golfers that I was talking about turned out to be women.
But I'll still take them over most of these millennial beta males.
Some woman in her little ugly shorts and her short socks, her red hair, and her sunscreen.
She's ballier than most millennials.
But, uh...
It's counterintuitive thinking that we have to be capable of.
In fact, I was talking to David about this, my producer, and he was saying, I can't remember what we were arguing about, but he goes, well, it's just logical that it should be that.
And I go, yeah, that doesn't, that doesn't sail anymore.
You know, John Lott taught us that more guns equal less crime.
That's not logical.
Hi, how are you?
We have to be capable of counterintuitive thinking and be open to the possibility that our assumptions are wrong.
So, sorry, that's a tangent to say maybe you should take steroids a little tiny bit.
I might get an ejection in my butt!
And get a bench press.
I definitely would do that if I was growing boobies.
And I believe, as a gender, the American male is growing boobies literally and figuratively.
I've probably mentioned this before, but you know what's going on with kids now?
And this is in my kid's school.
I'm not talking about, you know, some weird Scientology camp.
But kids now, are doing this thing where the teachers, the Marxist teachers, brainwashed by their unions, they have free reign to teach whatever claptrap they want because they can't get fired.
In fact, getting a teacher fired is a job.
If you, say you have a teacher in your school who shows up late every day and you want to get her fired because she's not even there for the children, literally not there.
As a principal, you're taking on a new job.
So, these guys are spoiled, and they tend to be Marxists, and they tend to not like, the women tend not to like young boys running around being rambunctious.
So, in the New York suburbs, and the New York public schools, New York public schools in general, they say, okay, your kid's jumping around, bouncing around, he's almost like, he's some sort of a boy.
It's almost like he wants to play a game called Cops and Robbers.
It's almost like he thinks wedgies are funny and likes making fart jokes.
I don't know what to do.
Well, we can't have that.
So what we do is we say, I need him to go to a child psychiatrist or a school psychiatrist who's not even a real psychiatrist.
A buddy of mine was told that they wanted his kid to go to the school psychiatrist.
And he said, does he have to?
Is this part of his curriculum?
No, no, no.
We just advise it.
And he goes, Yeah, no.
No, he's not doing that.
He's not going to your kangaroo court.
Thank you.
But these real courts say, all right, let's have your kid analyze.
Your boy.
You don't hear about girls doing this.
Your boy.
Let's take him to a child psychiatrist and he has a problem.
He's too rambunctious.
He's too hyper.
So then the analyst, so why would you do that?
If he's diagnosed with ADD, then he's not academically penalized.
For being so rambunctious.
So what they do, by the way, I love this.
This is my new way to do podcasts.
You walk around with your headphones, recording it into recorder.
I'm looking at the most beautiful lawn, speaking to get off my lawn, the most beautiful lawns on earth.
Perfectly combed sand traps.
I'm right next to the seventh tee.
Occasionally some attractive, you know, geriatric walks by, walking her Havanese puppy.
This is pastoral.
I like Florida.
Ow!
Something just bit me right as I said that.
Weird fire ant.
Okay, maybe it's not that perfect.
So they go to the child psychiatrist and he says, yes, your son has ADD, right?
And then they go, okay, well, what should we do about that?
Well, what we have to do is he should go on medication.
So you go back to your teacher and you say, great news.
My son isn't a bad boy.
He has a disease called ADD.
Oh, okay.
Well, then I'm not going to penalize you.
OK, great.
So we're good now.
So now we've made being a boy into a disease.
And this, by the way, links to that guy I saw today with his tits.
So now being a boy is a disease.
OK.
And what should we do about that?
Well, then the child psychiatrist, who has an incentive, a monetary incentive to prescribe drugs, he goes, well, he should be on Adderall or Ritalin.
Now, I did a lot of Adderall when I had an ad agency.
We used to call it Dadderall, because you could do a hard day's work and come home and be an awesome dad.
And, like, say, let's have arts and crafts night, guys!
We're gonna make a paper mache Mr. Metheads!
Woo!
Because you're not tired.
Even though you're old, you're not tired.
Of course, when it's finally time to go to bed, it's like you've been hit in the head with an anvil.
You just go, poof!
And hit the Tempurpedic.
The Bobpurpedic.
But, um, They give these kids Adderall and Ritalin because they've diagnosed masculinity as a disease, and Adderall's a wild ride!
Like, I remember when I had my ad agency, I'd have half of a 20 milligram, so it was a 10 milligram half pill.
I'd take that, got it from a corrupt doctor on Park Avenue, then have a large coffee, and I would just go over to the co-founders of the company, and I'd put my lips by their ears and go, I am fucking high out of my mind.
And then I would proceed to send approximately 7,000 emails.
Like, it would start out on the keyboard going... And then the pounding of the keyboard would get to a frequency, so it would go like...
My fingers were going so fast you just heard I believe it was a G flat and then champagne glasses would start shattering.
By the way, the guy in the hotel next to us is one of the people who works, god damn that ant bite hurt, is one of the guys who works at the, he works at the Mets at Citi Field, and he's hung his uniform out to dry on the back porch.
I could just slink in there, grab that shirt, and have full access to the Yankees-Mets game tomorrow.
Anyway.
The idea of a kid being on Adderall, which is speed, is child abuse.
Pure and simple.
And it's directed at boys because we have a war on masculinity and these teachers, these unionized Marxist teachers, have an axe to grind.
They're like over-empowered chicks and they're angry.
And they make these beta males.
They make these boys who hate themselves.
And these boys who hate themselves grow up to men who hate themselves.
And these men who hate themselves grow up to dads with tits.
And then these dads with tits are so ashamed of their tits, which they should be, they wear swimming shirts at the indoor water park.
They have these scuba shirts on, which is brutally, brutally embarrassing.
And I was just hanging out with my dad over these past two days, and he's a dick.
Like, he doesn't engage my son.
He just goes, well, he's too quiet.
He likes baseball too much, and I'm no interested in baseball.
So that's kind of annoying.
You know, I wish I had the... I wish my son had the granddad who would, you know, build him a go-kart and say, like, what's going on with... You know those, like, nice grandpas?
What's going on with you, sonny?
Oh, you like the Mets?
Well, here's a baseball from Noah Syndergaard.
Those grandparents are gone.
Baby boomers are infamous for this.
But...
That being said, though he's a dick, it was refreshing to hang out with a dick for a little bit.
And he brought in my inner dick.
You know when you're so cold?
I was a bike messenger in Montreal, and in January, your penis would leave your body.
The meat would just go, you know what, fuck this.
And it would recede.
So you'd look down, and your penis, I'm uncircumcised, would be 100% foreskin.
Just like two inches of just foreskin.
Like you could chop it off and I'd still have a penis, I guess.
Then we could just stretch out the skin, reuse it or something.
But I wouldn't hate it if you chopped my dick off in January as a bike messenger because you're just really doing a giant circumcision.
And so I had an inner dick and my dad brings out my inner dick.
And he's, you know, he's an inspiration in many ways.
I remember we were in Disneyland and someone butted in line.
And I was maybe nine at the time.
Someone butted in line and he goes, and he runs over and he grabs these two 13-year-old girls by the scruffs of their necks and rips them out of line because they butted.
Now, the amazing thing about this is it wasn't our line.
We were about four lines over.
And he ran over and grabbed them and pulled them out of the line.
That's refreshing.
It's like my buddy Brian, who was going to have his twins baptized.
And someone had mentioned that because his twins were surrogate twins, the priest might be annoyed by that.
And he said, if the priest has a problem with it, I'm happy to pick him up and throw him out the fucking window.
And I thought, yeah, that's being a man.
You see, you don't have to do roundhouse kicks and throw, throw cinder blocks out your window to be a man.
You just have to say, this is the way it's going to be.
I've done my research and this is the best way to move forward.
And I think a lot of women, this is a controversial stance, but a lot of women say, no, we're not doing that.
Actually, we're going to walk there over the highway.
It's actually easier than getting an Uber.
And I think a lot of women say things they don't mean.
I think a lot of women want to be disciplined.
And I don't mean a spanking, although I wouldn't be surprised if many do.
But I mean, I think a lot of women want you to grab the reins.
And I've learned this from trial and error.
I mean, I was a feminist.
I have a woman symbol tattooed on my arm with an E in it for equality.
So I've been down that route.
And one thing I noticed was these feminists, they don't like allies.
You know, nothing makes a vagina drier than a feminist ally.
And I remember when I was a kid, we'd go to these anarchist gatherings and there'd be feminists there.
Penny was her name.
She had dreads in 1989, which was just unheard of.
She was a goddess.
Really into crass and stuff.
And I still would leave my wife tomorrow for her.
I don't even know what she looks like now.
She's probably 55 years old.
But she didn't get picked up by a feminist ally at the end of the anarchist gathering.
She got picked up by a biker who thought that the stuff she talked about at these gatherings was gay.
You know?
So don't fool yourself into thinking you're doing the right thing by emasculating yourself.
And again, I'm not a tough guy.
I can't fix a car.
I don't know much about sports.
I'm basically... In the Archie Bunker days, I would be considered a pussy.
I would be like Meathead in Archie Bunker's house.
But now, things are so bad that Meathead is Chuck Norris.
I'm Chuck Norris.
That's not a good thing.
That's a bad thing.
And I see these students, these young men, at college.
They get up and... Have you ever seen this?
You gotta...
I know you're probably my age if you're listening to these podcasts, but you really got to check in on college campuses once in a while to see how bad things are.
It is insane!
It's insane the courses they're taught about how, you know, we killed the Indians and black people built this country through slavery.
That's just a fact.
The fact that we fought them for 400 years is irrelevant.
The fact that America's balance sheet was zero dollars after the Civil War, that's been ignored.
We still, like black people, slaves built this golf course I'm looking at right now.
So those lies are perpetuated.
Marxist bullshit is perpetuated.
And when white men get up, they go, Hi, I just want to say that I understand I'm coming from a position of privilege, and I understand that my voice is less valuable than the other voices here.
However, and then he says what he wants to say.
These men in college come with a caveat.
And you go, that's a pussy move.
Don't do that.
Well, I'd be kicked out of college.
Good.
Get kicked out of college.
Well, if I say who I really am and I'm not anonymous on Twitter, I'll lose my job.
Good.
Lose your job, pussy.
You know how many jobs I've lost?
I just accepted that I'm always on the verge of being fired.
Even with my job now.
I've totally accepted, and I have Plan B and C and D. I've totally accepted that it's only a matter of time before I get fired.
And Alex Jones, by the way, should have known that it's only a matter of time before he gets kicked off of YouTube.
Same with Paul Joseph Watson.
Same with even Breitbart.
We have to know.
As Steve Bannon said, they're not going to give it back to us without a fight.
You just have to accept that nothing is yours, nothing's taken for granted.
And to that college student who gets up and says, yeah, I just want to say that I'm a fucking loser and everything I say is gay.
That doesn't benefit you.
It doesn't benefit anyone.
It doesn't help your point.
I think a lot of these feminists and these anti-male people, they don't really want you to go with them.
That's the crazy part I'm saying here.
Here's the real controversial theory.
They don't want you to acquiesce.
They don't want you to say that.
They don't like it when you say that.
They think you're a pussy.
It's almost like a big sister bullying her little brother.
It's not like she appreciates it when he says, OK, I'll do that.
I'll stare at the ground.
She goes, ha ha, loser.
You know, if you're going to bully a nerd and he wedgies himself on the bully's way to the wedgie, the bully doesn't go, well, thanks a lot, man.
That was really self-aware of you.
I'm glad you pulled your underwear up your buttcheeks and hanged yourself on a basketball net.
Yes, that is correct grammar.
He goes, what a loser.
I'm gonna get him next time and surprise him with the wedgie.
Now, if that nerd sees a bully coming over to wedgie him and that nerd punches him in the face, even if that punch is pathetic and barely hits his nose, that kid's never getting wedgied again.
I don't know if you can teach that, but it's the truth.
And all these men with tits, like the guy I talked about in the other podcast who said, you guys, to his effing family, to his wife and kids, you guys really hurt my feelings and you made me feel insignificant.
Dude, you're getting divorced.
You're getting dumped.
Your wife is never going to blow you ever again because you called yourself insignificant.
So even if it's a bluff, Be a man.
Just take the reins.
And then you'll notice after a while that you take the reins that, yeah, you deserve the reins.
Like when you say, you know what?
I'm driving there.
I'll handle the directions.
You'll be driving for a while and you realize, hey, we're actually going the right way.
I was right.
I should have taken the reins earlier.
She was wrong.
And she didn't want me to take the reins.
You know, my father-in-law was leaving my front door.
I've told the story many times, but he was leaving my front door in my place upstate, and it was super icy on the front steps.
I designed the house, and I'm not that competent as an architect, so the front steps were away from the sun.
And water would just sort of sit on them in the winter and become black ice and the sun never melted it because the front steps never saw the sun.
I made it all about the back of the house.
So it's just Black Ice Steps.
Black Ice Steps, where you from?
To wipe away the rain, Black Ice Steps.
And he did this like, remember in Sesame Street, that like Nine pizza pies, or whatever it is.
And the guy with the chef hat goes falling down the stairs with all the pies.
Like it was the worst fall a man could have.
And after he was done, it took him like a minute to fall.
After he was done, this like, whoa, like Charlie Chaplin, Keystone Cop's fall.
He said, don't tell, and then he mentioned his wife's name.
Or I think he mentioned my wife's name too.
Don't tell the ladies, whatever.
And I thought, that's weird.
And then about a day later I go, that's brilliant!
That's being a man.
Don't show your vulnerabilities.
Don't say, you made me feel insignificant.
And here's the analogy that I always use, that I got from that experience, that was just one of the best pieces of advice I've ever had, even though he didn't mean to give me advice.
Say you have a big, elaborate chocolate cake, and I don't know, it's your kid's birthday or something, and you're running home because you're late for the birthday.
And as you're running, you trip and you fall face-first into a chocolate cake.
Do not tell your wife that story.
Wash your face.
Throw the cake in the garbage.
Get a new cake.
Tell your buddies that story.
That's a funny story for your buddies.
But don't tell your wife that story.
This is what I keep telling married men.
And I'm not an expert, by the way.
I've known my wife for about 20 years, but we've only been married for just over 10.
And so I know I'm not the king of marriage.
But, you know, I got three kids and we're doing pretty good.
And one thing I say to married men is, and this goes back to the guy with the tits, you're never not single.
Like, I'm always courting my wife.
I've always said, every time you fart around your wife, a blowjob loses its wings.
And I'm thinking about doing a whole other podcast on this, on Marriage Tips.
Don't share the same bathroom.
Your wife should not smell your brutal Maker's Mark hangover shits the next day.
You know those ones where they're so bad that you're grossed out?
Or you want to call like the NYU medical students and go, hey guys, you might want to come by my house.
I've just had a bowel movement that is the most disgusting thing man has ever created.
This is so bad it's interesting.
Sorry, I got distracted.
There's a weird black bird eating out of a pond here.
Like, he's as black as an ink drawing.
I don't know what kind of bird it is.
Is it a black swan?
What a weird bird.
It looks like a calligraphy spill.
But, um, you're always courting her and you're never like, hi, I had a nightmare.
I was so scared.
I wouldn't tell my wife if I had a nightmare where I was so scared.
If you're gonna cry in front of your wife, that's... There's one... Like, maybe a Clint Eastwood movie, right?
Or a World War II movie, as Kumiya says, when the guy goes, Daddy or Grandpa, were you a hero?
No, but I fought alongside of some.
If that's in a movie, you're allowed to cry a single tear down your cheek.
But a man can't blubber.
How you doing?
You can't do that blubbering ugly face where you're going or that like That's not acceptable.
I mean, if you must do that, I don't know why you have to do that.
Go into a closet and lock the doors and go do that when you're sure no one's home and also lock the deadbolt and make sure no one has a key.
You always have to want to be a man is what I'm saying and growing boobies is not that.
You're never off the clock is what I'm saying.
Don't tell your wife you're insignificant.
Don't grow boobies.
And don't go, oh my God, you guys, I fell face first in a cake on the way here.
I got cake all over me.
Dude, your wife is just, you just lost two weeks of sex by showing her that.
So, I guess what I'm saying in this short-lived podcast, because we're here in Florida, Port St.
Lucie, for spring training, watching the Mets.
And by the way, these games have been so good, I'm suspicious.
Like the game with the Tigers yesterday.
It was... We were winning, but the bases were fully loaded on the 9th, and if they had a grand slam, then we would have been losing.
We would have lost.
And then today, with the Houston Astros, it's the exact same story.
It's sort of like Conor McGregor going out on the exact... What was... How many rounds was that?
Like 12 rounds?
13 rounds?
Exactly when everyone thought a reasonable fight would be.
A little perfect.
You guys both got your 10 million?
Hmm.
But yeah, these games are a little too good to where we play the Yankees.
But that's why I'm making this podcast short.
But the big picture here is to be a man is not to be able to fix a car.
It's not to have been in Afghanistan.
It's not to have been a cop.
Of course, all those men are more of a man than you and me.
That's a given.
Oh shit, his shirt's gone.
No, no, it's back.
Those are all Superman.
I'm not asking you to be Superman.
I'm not Superman.
But being a man is simply wanting to be a man.
Never letting down your guard, never letting yourself grow tits, never giggling that you fell on a chocolate cake.
Being a man is just saying my goal is to have power.
My goal is not to self-deprecate in college when I talk about something.
My goal is to be myself and not be anonymous and to get fired for my views.
My goal is to be honest, to have character, To create a legacy for my children where they know my dad was a handshake guy.
He never lied.
He told the truth.
And a lot of people thought he was evil, but at least he was honest.
That's all it is to be a real man.
It's sort of like Catholicism where they go, look, you're going to screw up.
You're going to drink makers during Lent, but go and confess your sins and try to get back on the horse.
You know?
With no wanks.
You're gonna have a wank.
Occasionally.
That's not great.
But get on the horse.
Keep trying.
Keep trying to be attractive to your wife.
Don't take shits in her bathroom and then go, uh oh, I wouldn't go in there.
Like, that's giving up.
And men don't give up.
Men fight.
That's what built the Western world was determination.
How long did we fight the Indians?
400 years.
By the way, that was Indian men and white men refusing to give up.
Kudos to both of them.
Great war, guys.
400 years?
That makes the Nazis look like a fad.
How long did we beat them in?
Two years?
So being a man isn't about winning.
Being a man is about trying and that's why I'm so happy to bring my son to Port St.
Lucie because I love that he loves baseball.
I love that he loves sports because he loses.
Even today there was a ball that came out from during batting practice that he could have got and he missed and he was on the verge of tears because he was so mad at himself.
Great.
That's a much better lesson than winning.
Learning how to lose is great, because the secret to being a man is picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, washing the chocolate cake off your face, and not telling anyone what just happened.
I love you, and I'll see you on Friday.
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