Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - Get Off My Lawn Podcast #29 | You Have to Make Your Own Culture

March 2, 2018 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:13:21

Get Off My Lawn Podcast #29 | You Have to Make Your Own Culture

Having fun in high school has nothing to do with where you are or how much money you have. It has to do with how much culture you can invent. Come up with stupid rules and enforce them with vigilance. Get in trouble. Make mistakes. If you can’t be a human disaster when you’re a teenager, when can you be? This episode focusses on my high school years at the Earl of March in Kanata and all mind-blowing idiocy we used to get up to.

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	You have to make your own culture.
	Obviously, we're all members of the wonderful West.
	Western culture is the best.
	But within those parameters, you know, there's only so many events that we have here in the West with Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving.
	And sometimes, especially when you're a youngster, you want more culture than that.
	You want a uniform and stuff.
	I think that's what attracts people to subcultures like punk and mod and all that is they want to have a maybe it's a structure.
	Maybe being a nonconformist is a sense of a structure, a cult.
	And in high school, we invented our own culture.
	We actually passed the torch to the next generation, and they dropped it.
	I heard that our high school, which was the Earl of March in Canada, Ontario, it was never quite as fun as when we were there.
	I know I sound like I'm going to find the past, but I spoke to the next generation at that school.
	I remember when I was, after I graduated, they said, yeah, it's not really the same since you guys left.
	You guys were legendary.
	And I'm sorry, but we were legends.
	Legends.
	And you can be a legend too.
	You just have to make up a bunch of stupid rules.
	For example, if someone farts or burps and doesn't say safety and you say slut, you get to beat the crap out of them until they can name five breakfast cereals.
	That may ring a bell.
	Proud boys.
	Actually, some people started memorizing breakfast cereals because they got beat up so much.
	So we had to change it to chocolate bars.
	But it was rules like that that made high school super fun.
	I mean, I hated high school because of the garbage we were taught.
	God, it was so stupid.
	I remember on one test, just writing on the test, Mr. Young, this is below you.
	It was some sort of quiz to see if we had read the book, and what was the name of Archie's dog?
	And I thought, we're in high school now, and we're doing these kind of did you read the book tests.
	And I wrote on my test, Mr. Young, because I got along with him.
	He was funny.
	I understand why you have to do this.
	And I drew a triangle on the test.
	You providing a quality education following the board's rules.
	And it was a triangle, and you had to navigate this triangle.
	You did some other triangle like you, your future, oblivion.
	But so much of high school is garbage.
	So much of school is crap.
	Fuck school.
	That's my new motto.
	I'm taking my kid out of school next week to take him to spring training.
	We're going to do the whole show next week, spring training.
	Monday will be an exception while we get set up.
	But Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday will all be Mets in Port St. Lucie in Florida.
	And I don't give a shit that he's missing school.
	An hour and a half, two hours of learning a day?
	And then what is the rest?
	You know, my son only gets half an hour for his recess.
	Recess should be two hours.
	And then in the middle of the morning, in the middle of the afternoon, another 15, 20 minutes, just to run around.
	They're kids.
	What are they learning about Kierkegaard?
	I'll tell you what a lot of them are learning.
	Marxist garbage.
	My daughter got this assignment.
	I probably mentioned this last podcast.
	It was all about the cows going on strike because the farmer was making them produce too much milk.
	Because the left is still obsessed with this idea of the unions being like the working class caps of the 1920s and the dirty coal miners and the Billy Brag.
	The union forever defending our rights.
	Out from the backboards, the workers unite with our brothers and our sisters who cannot organize.
	There is power in a union.
	Sure, there was.
	Now they're giving $10 million to lobbyists, twice the highest the NRA has ever paid.
	And they're telling all their teachers, push union claptrap to your kids.
	Anyway, I didn't want to make this political.
	I want to talk about high school.
	So school's boring.
	The teachers are retarded.
	The crap you learn is totally useless.
	I would say out of pre-college, including college, you could learn all of that crap in three years.
	I actually knew a guy named Jake, I think his name Jake Burkhart back in Vice days.
	And he did these digital press packages.
	So, you know, if there was a band that the label was interested in, they go, it used to just be what's your press kit back in the early 90s and 80s.
	It would just be a pile of papers.
	There'd be a few newspaper articles about them and stuff and information about their record.
	But once we got, you know, video technology, it became a digital press kit where you could see them on tour, you could see them live on stage, and you wanted that to look cool.
	It was like a sizzle reel.
	And Jake would follow bands around, like against me, and make those.
	And I go, that's a cool, solid trade.
	You edit, you shoot, you do the audio.
	And he goes, yeah, I took some class, I forget where it was, it was in Oakland, I think.
	And it was a course that was about a year and a half or two years.
	And it was brutal.
	It was like nine hours a day, six days a week.
	If you're not editing, you're shooting, you're learning about all the technology.
	And it doesn't really matter that the technology changes.
	I mean, obviously going from film to digital is a big jump, but since we've had digital, of course there's updates, but you get like white balance and all that.
	You get it out.
	So he had just submerged himself in this brutal class that was relatively cheap.
	You know, let's say it was like $9,000, $10,000.
	Fine, that's an easy debt to pay off, especially when you have a solid trade.
	And this isn't welding.
	This is like a fun, easy trade.
	You learn Final Cup Pro back then, but that's basically the same as Premiere now.
	The editing software hasn't changed, and it's probably similar to that one before.
	What was that called?
	An Avid.
	So he could have not got a school at all his whole life.
	And in fact, he told me his dad used to yank him out of class and say, yo, we have to go to, my son has to go to the dentist.
	And then he would take his son to his truck and he'd have his surfboards in the truck.
	And he goes, let's surf, dude.
	Fun, dad.
	So We knew school sucked, and we knew we had to be there for a long time.
	So we invented a culture.
	And we were in the Canada, Ontario is worse than the burbs, and it's worse than the country.
	It's the country burbs.
	And as I've mentioned in the show before, they would just buy farmland, then get these cookie-cutter homes that all looked exactly the same.
	So you go to your friend's house, it's your house with different furniture.
	And then they just fill them with human beings, and there's nowhere for miles.
	Like if you walk out your back door, you're just walking through cow fields.
	We would do that all the time.
	We'd go hang out with cows.
	And they're weird cows.
	We never cow-tipped.
	That never came up.
	But they would just walk up to you, stare at you, and start licking you with their weird, coarse tongues.
	And then they'd start following you, I guess because they're used to humans providing food.
	Fucking losers.
	So we just let cows follow us around.
	I mean, we had this tradition where we would watch every Mad Max on Fridays.
	My parents liked to go out and party on Fridays, and I had my baby brother, so I would stay home.
	Babysit, happy to have a place to do bottle toques and drink beer.
	And we'd watch all three Mad Maxes, which takes forever.
	And then walk around with like a blanket on our shoulders at five in the morning, through the suburbs, through the cow fields.
	And we made fun.
	You see, Ottawa is, that's the city.
	That's the cool, exciting part.
	The New York city of our lives was Ottawa, Canada.
	And Ottawa is the same as Washington, D.C. It's a government town.
	And obviously, a government town is going to attract bureaucrats, and bureaucrats are unadventurous people.
	It's like a cruise.
	You go on a cruise, like a Disney cruise, and you're going to be around the least adventurous parents imaginable because they want a place where you just sit on a boat with your little room, you get supplied your buffets and your drinks, you don't have to think, and there's no adventure there.
	So you're dull, basically, if you're a cruise person.
	Sorry, Kumiya.
	I guess you're an exception.
	And so government towns attract dull people.
	And, you know, there's the government-funded opera house there, whatever it is, this big, huge cement building where they listen to classical music and pretend they're aristocrats.
	And the art is very unadventurous.
	It's just like a dull town.
	And so that acts like a pressure cooker.
	And you end up with creative people who know how to make fun.
	I mean, the punk scene there was exciting.
	The Nazi skinheads were spooky.
	I've talked about this in my book, Death of the Cool.
	You had Joff, who blew his head off with an M16 when his baby mama stopped seeing him.
	We had Wolf, who had a dagger in his cane, who ended up in prison.
	We had Francois, who had a giant Klansman rally going on on his back.
	Huge tattoo.
	And they would come and beat us up at shows, and we'd fight them.
	They would get on stage and fight the bands.
	They would fight SNFU because the singer, Chai Pig, was Asian.
	Or they would go on stage and fight MDC because they had an anti-skinhead song.
	I mean, it was dramatic.
	Like a guy had a gun.
	This punk kid, Scott, had a gun.
	Now, having a gun in Canada, it's like having the ring in Lord of the Rings.
	I mean, it's my precious.
	It's a big deal.
	And I think that's because it was such a dull place.
	And now Kanata is the suburbs of Ottawa, manufactured rural suburbs.
	So now we're magnifying that boringness by 10.
	And so we invented traditions.
	And it made high school super fun.
	I actually looked forward to going to school.
	We had a thing, Knoxville and the jackass guys do this, is ball tag, you're it, where you punch a guy in the nuts every time he's vulnerable.
	And we wouldn't just sort of tap a guy in the nuts.
	Like there was this kid, Rick Lull.
	I remember nailing him once.
	I got down and tied my shoes.
	They didn't need tied, but I was positioning myself.
	And I came up underneath him with a super Mike Tyson uppercut and nailed him in the nuts so hard, his feet came off the ground.
	When you got nailed in the nuts during our ball tag, you would have to lie down for one hour.
	You were incapacitated.
	And I think that's why my kids are retarded because I damaged my bag that much.
	No, I'm just kidding.
	Although, Knoxville did show me a scan of his sperm that looked like something out of the Island of Misfit Toys.
	It was all these damaged losers with like right angles in their tails and stuff.
	I think he did some serious ball damage.
	His kids are angels, luckily, but wow.
	And the reason I bring that up is to say you don't have to be bored.
	You can make your own fun.
	And the problem with modern culture now is there's a war on boys.
	There's a war on rambunctious boys.
	You can't bite a Pop-Tart in the shape of a gun.
	You can't wedgie anyone.
	We used to wedgie guys, including ourselves, and hang them on a basketball hoop.
	So you have a nerd hanging there for an hour with the underwear going deeper and deeper into his crack.
	We were very extreme, and I think it was really healthy.
	I mean, one of the things that attracted us to punk was that you could go into a mosh pit and just thrash, punch people.
	Well, you couldn't punch, but just like wrestle while jumping.
	And it was a really cathartic release for a frustrated, bored young man, an adolescent.
	You know, you have all this anger and frustration.
	You're supposed to really be in a war.
	If we were in Papua New Guinea and we were tribesmen, we would have been out eviscerating people and eating their bowels, raping their women.
	But you can't do that, so it has to go somewhere.
	And making these sort of hazing-like rituals is very healthy.
	Yes, I know some frat boy died when he did 200 shots.
	We're talking about millions of instances where that could happen.
	And it's happened a tiny handful of times.
	And by outlawing all this, you're destroying people.
	And it's got to come out somewhere.
	I wouldn't be surprised if these mass shootings are linked to this war on masculinity.
	even the left, even comedians, castrated comedians like Michael Ian Black say, our boys are broken.
	I agree.
	Now, the way to unbreak them is to let them loose.
	Let them get up to trouble.
	Let them wedgy.
	I've told this story a few times, so I'm just going to go over every high school story.
	So if you've been listening to my shows for a long time, you're going to hear some of these.
	And if you've read my book, you're going to hear some of these.
	But I have to tell you this one.
	So when Hacky Sacks first came out, right, they weren't really a hippie thing.
	It was just a dumb game.
	And we would do stuff like that.
	Like when finger boards came out, that was a tiny skateboard you'd make that was one inch long.
	And then you'd add matchbox wheels.
	And the trucks would be the rubber part of an eraser.
	We made all those.
	You glue a piece of like thin cardboard to itself a bunch of times and you end up making like a thick type of mini wood.
	And then we'd make a half pipe, a skate bowl, out of paper mache.
	And we would play with that at lunch.
	And hacky sacks came out.
	Okay, let's play with these.
	So we had a game where, and we used to do this with garbage if we couldn't get a hacky sack.
	Everyone sits in this sort of lobby, which was like a five foot by five foot warming area in between the main lobby of the school and outside.
	And so it was a perfect little encased glass box that you could bounce things off.
	So we would kick the garbage or the hacky sack in the air.
	And if it ever hit the ground, the guy who was responsible got an atomic wedgie.
	And obviously an atomic wedgie is when you wedgie the guy so hard that the waistband comes off.
	So Colin Sacco fucked up and the wedgie fell to the ground on his watch.
	So without any emotion, it's sort of like being in the Knights of Columbus.
	If someone said, hey, man, one of our brothers is in court.
	We'd like you to come.
	You don't go, oh, man.
	You just hop in the car and head over.
	You feel nothing.
	It's like when your wife says you got to pick up your daughter and her friend from dance class.
	Yep.
	You don't go, what?
	That sucks, dude.
	So we're just wedging Colin.
	So we go over and we're yanking and yanking and yanking.
	And you really got it.
	The waistband will make it up to almost between the shoulder blades before it starts tearing.
	And by the time we were done lunch, there would be maybe six underwear waistbands on the ground in that little 10-foot by 10-foot box.
	The janitor must have been picking them up with his little sharp stick going, what the fuck are these kids up to?
	And it's funny, too, wearing underwear with no waistband, it's just sort of sitting on a prayer.
	Just sort of sitting there, you know, just hanging.
	It's sort of like the coyote when he goes off the cliff and he's like, before he falls.
	Your underwear is just suspended in midair, held there by your jeans.
	So we're giving Colin a wedgie, and this teacher, Mrs. Hamilton, comes in and she says, what the hell is going on here?
	And Colin's just looking at her.
	And he was kind of fat and had glasses.
	So he did look like a nerd.
	We're kind of an island of Misfit Toys.
	Like the general theme was mods and punks, and we called ourselves the monks.
	But there was also just like a fat preppy named Zabo and a nerd, not a nerd, a rich kid we called Dog Boy.
	Everyone had nicknames.
	Although I don't think I had a nickname.
	Anyway, so Colin's sitting there and she goes, what the hell is going on in here?
	And we go, oh, we're giving him a wedgie.
	And she goes, you, you.
	She says to me and Skeeter, go to the office.
	Now, Skeeter had a weird hairdo.
	He had a mohawk that was just in the back, but then stopped on the top of his head.
	And the top of his head just had like blonde hair.
	So he had like a fish, like a, you know, an angel fish.
	Like he had a mohawk sitting on the back of his head.
	And I can't remember what my hair was, but it was like, oh, I think it was like GBH, like blonde sort of spiky spikes, like the band GBH.
	So we go up to the office and the assistant principal is there.
	I think his name was Mr. Hammond.
	And she grabs us.
	She's so pissed.
	We couldn't understand what the hell was going on, too.
	We're thinking, simmer down, lady.
	You didn't catch a bank robbery.
	And she's got us both by the scruffs of our leather jackets and she throws us into the office.
	And he goes, what's the problem here?
	He's obviously used to her being a nut.
	Maybe she's like one of these people who can't handle caffeine.
	And he goes, what's happening here?
	And she goes, these two men were trying to insert a wedge of wood into a boy's anus.
	And we both go, what?
	At the exact same time.
	And Mr. Hammond sort of closes his eyes and he goes, it's called a wedgie, Catherine.
	And he brings us into his office and he sits us down.
	And we go, Mr. Hammond, slow down, slow down here.
	We were doing a wedgie, a consensual wedgie.
	It's a stupid rule we have.
	It's this game we play where if you let the garbage in, he goes, calm down, guys, calm down, calm down.
	I know you were not inserting wood into boys' bums.
	By the way, as I always say when I tell this story, what's her version of events?
	So Skeeter and I that morning packed a wood wedge in our bag with a little rubber mallet, circa Germany in the year of 700.
	And we thought, hey, let's get a kid.
	Let's get some nerd and get this wood right up his ass.
	Split his stupid anus to shreds.
	Isn't that thing, isn't that anal thing covered in little capillaries and major veins and stuff?
	I mean, I've had a hemorrhoid burst.
	It looks like someone was murdered in the bathroom.
	I assume if you take a wedge, and most of the wedges I've seen are to hold doors open, so there's like an inch, the final point is an inch thick.
	It's not like it goes down to a pin.
	So you're hammering that into someone's anus, you're just going to chop their anus.
	I mean, they're going to bleed to death.
	They're going to need a colostomy bag while it heals and is stitched up for a year.
	It's a felony.
	I mean, you're looking at 10 years in prison for splitting ani on the Earl of March.
	I mean, even punching someone in the face back then was a Huge deal.
	You'd go, I punched someone in the fucking face.
	Can you believe that?
	So, no, we weren't splitting his anus, but I thought it was cool because the principal said he was just really into our hair because we both had very blonde hair.
	He goes, What's going with your hair?
	And they're going, Oh, it's a product by L'Oreal called Super Blonde Isma that you get.
	And then you can add colors from Manic Pen.
	We're telling him, he goes, Oh, that's cool.
	You know, when I was young, Rod Stewart was big, and I bleached my hair.
	My dad was so mad.
	And we had that kind of conversation.
	We also had a thing.
	We had a game.
	In retrospect, I don't really understand how you're good at this game, but it was called a poo down.
	And so usually at lunch, when we were all together, and someone would go, poo down!
	You ended up making your bowels sort of adhere to this jet lag and not have your morning bowel movement, but make it more a lunchtime thing.
	So someone would call a poo down, and we'd all have to go to the bathroom.
	Oh my god, I just remembered two other things.
	Do you remember making those water bombs in the bathroom?
	There was those big round tubs where you'd push your foot down onto the ring on the bottom, and then a circle of hand washing would come out.
	It's like something where cows would go get their water from.
	It was about six feet in diameter, a giant circular bin, and you would push down with your foot, and all the water would come out.
	So you could take a paper towel, you fold it in a certain way, cut a little hole in it, and then fill that up with water, and then I guess you could reseal the hole, and then you'd throw that at people, and it would be like a water bomb.
	Another game we would play, don't worry, I won't forget what I was originally talking about.
	So you'd hyperventilate.
	Do you ever do that?
	It's drugs before there was drugs.
	So you crouch down, you sit, and I'm not recommending you try this at all.
	I'm just remembering what we used to do.
	Oh my God, I forgot about Pam!
	Wow, I can't believe we did that.
	So anyway, you'd sit down, crouch down, and then you would go and do about 20 huge breaths.
	I'm actually getting kind of butterflies remembering this because it was so intense and I would never do it now in a million years.
	Then you stand up really fast.
	A guy behind you takes the palms of his hands, he pushes them into your jugglers, and then he picks you up and then he lets go and you faint from lack of blood to the brain.
	You usually have a crazy dream or something and then you wake up and everyone's laughing their heads off and you don't know where you are.
	So then after doing that a few times, we heard, yeah, but if you do Pam cooking spray, it's way more intense than that.
	So dudes, we didn't just try this once.
	We would use Pam like you buy a six pack.
	I shudder to think of how much aerosol we used to do.
	We would go to the grocery fucking store and buy a six pack, not a beer, but of Pam cooking spray.
	And in Canada, you buy your milk in bags.
	So there's two or three milk bags, and then they're in a bag.
	And it's a very thick plastic because it has to carry three liters of milk.
	So you get the, and the milk bags are everywhere, right?
	So you take some milk bags from home.
	I'm actually getting kind of cold sweats remembering this.
	Voila.
	And you take the bag, right?
	You hold it by the neck, and then you blow it up so you have this sort of inflated bag with nothing in it.
	Then you shake up your Pam cooking spray, you put it in the hole and go, pssh, oh my God, I remember there'd be Pam liquid floating in the bottom of the bag.
	Then you exhale, you put your lips up to the neck, the crack, the anus of the bag, and you go...
	And you inhale Pam cooking spray.
	And inevitably, for some reason, it makes you go...
	And then sometimes you'd have a whole little universe where you're riding a Peewee Herman bike.
	Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo in Candytown.
	Hi there, Mrs. Lollipop.
	Ooh, a chocolate river.
	La la la.
	My arms are made of spaghetti strings.
	Yay!
	And then you'd wake up.
	It would last about 10 seconds.
	Holy crap.
	And I remember hearing, this is an important part of the story.
	I remember hearing that a kid died doing Pam.
	And we didn't give a shit.
	So we're not going to die.
	We're invincible.
	That's the scary thing about having kids, is the undeveloped frontal lobe of adolescence and the invincibility it brings.
	I remember playing chicken with two cars driving at each other.
	We'd be standing on the hood of the car as these two cars are playing chicken.
	And I remember even singing a song.
	It was like, danger bay, danger bay, as we're hurtling to our deaths.
	Maybe I have permanent brain damage from that.
	And my dad is incredibly smart.
	And I'd be talking to him sometimes, and I'd think, I am not understanding this conversation.
	Or when I interviewed Pat Buchanan, I was just thinking, I am in over my head right now.
	It's probably the Pan cooking spray because genetically, I come from smart genes.
	I remember my dad said to my brother, I've got so many different plans for Gavin to save money on tax, but his IQ's too low.
	So it's a waste of time to explain to him.
	I don't, not that impressed, by the way, with his.
	His ideas are things like, all right, you get tax, you lose taxes if you make more than half a million on a sale.
	So I'm going to buy your penthouse apartment, and then you're going to sell it, and then I'm going to sell it back to you, and then you're going to buy it from me, and we make sure the profit margin is always under 500.
	Yeah, the IRS thought of that, Dad.
	Anyway, sorry.
	So Pam cooking spray, hyperventilating, water bombs all happened in this upstairs bathroom.
	Pam, can you believe that?
	We inhaled Pam cooking spray.
	Every time I make pancakes and I spray the frying pan at home, I smell the smell and it takes me back to high school.
	Smell is incredibly good at taking you back to certain places.
	And I just sort of go, boom.
	Anyway, so poo down, you call it poo down.
	And everyone has to go to the bathroom and defecate.
	And Skeeter would do this thing where he'd squat down on the actual seat to maximize it.
	He invented the squatty potty in that sense.
	And so we'd go there and see what you had.
	And obviously, the guy who called the poo down is the guy who has to poo, so he's going to win.
	If I just walk up to you right now and challenge you to a poo down, I'm going to have a log and you're going to have a snail.
	Clearly.
	What a dumb game.
	So one time we run up there, poo down.
	There's a lot of sort of declarations.
	You know, kids are really into.
	And by the way, I'm talking about high school, right?
	So it's obviously 14 to 17, 18.
	There's a lot of sort of brave heart, like freedom!
	And we run up there, and I open up my stall, and I have a heart attack.
	Now, I told you we're in rural suburban Canada, so there's farmland everywhere.
	So we were all middle-class, upper-middle-class kids of engineers and stuff, and there is a burgeoning tech industry in Ottawa.
	The government wanted to create a new Silicon Valley, a Canadian Silicon Valley.
	So they imported all these British people with educations so they could build them computers.
	Because Canada didn't really have the population to just magically create a San Francisco.
	So they did it by going to Britain.
	And, you know, Canada is a commonwealth.
	When I got my citizenship, I had to pledge allegiance to the queen, huge oil painting of the queen.
	When I was, I don't know, like seven years old.
	I had to put my hand over my heart and pledge allegiance to the queen.
	So she's still on the money, literally.
	So we were also surrounded by farmers in a little town called Carp.
	So we had these carpies there, and I've mentioned them on the show before.
	They wore ski jackets because skiing is big with rednecks in Canada.
	And these trucker hats on the very tippy top of their heads and work boots, jeans.
	And there was not a lot of correlation with the carpies and the middle class kids.
	They were kind of segregated, self-segregated.
	Too bad.
	I'd like to go back now and hang out with them.
	They're probably fun.
	And there's always like one of the, we call our rednecks hosers.
	One of the hosers' dad would own a ski hill.
	That's the weird thing about Canada.
	It's so new that there's no real classism.
	And sometimes the working class have more money than the upper class.
	The upper class would be bureaucrats.
	They'd make maybe 200 grand a year.
	Sometimes you have some contractor like my neighbor who owned Frisbee Tires.
	That guy was a multi-millionaire, but he was blue-collar.
	Anyway.
	So, and don't think I forgot what I was talking about.
	I hate when you guys say that.
	It's really shallow.
	I go off on tangents because I know I can always get back to the backbone of the story.
	And the backbone of the story here is the carpies.
	So I open up my stall to do my poo down.
	And there is a turd there the size of a baby's leg.
	I know we usually use babies' limbs for other analogies, but this is the best one.
	Imagine a Somalian baby's leg.
	Oh, that's a horrible thing to imagine.
	Dismembered Somalian baby.
	Forget it.
	That's a bad analogy.
	Imagine a, I was going to say a branch, but there's too much variety there.
	Take a black sock.
	Yeah, take a work sock and fill it with sand and now put that in the toilet.
	That's what we were looking at there.
	It couldn't fit.
	It didn't fit.
	It wouldn't go down.
	And I go, guys, get in here.
	And everyone comes and they go, oh my fucking God.
	What the?
	And everyone's freaking out.
	And I go, it won't flush.
	And I keep flushing it and it would just make a bridge over the hole.
	Like a bridge over troubled waters.
	I will lay thee down.
	That song just lost its romance.
	The water would plunge down.
	It would just stay over this bridge.
	And so at the peak of everyone freaking out, and this is, I saw comedians in cars getting coffee with Jerry Seinfeld and John Oliver.
	And Seinfeld said, what is humor to you?
	And John Oliver says, doing anything to get a laugh.
	And this is where I come in.
	I will die to make my friends laugh.
	If it means losing a leg, fine.
	And something in my head just goes, dude, you know they're going to die.
	You got to do it.
	And I go, I know me, I know.
	I reach into the bowl and I pull up this black sock and I say something like, by the rules of Ecuador, some sort of massive, you know, brave heart sounding scream.
	It doesn't really matter what I say.
	It's like Hitler.
	You know, you're going to sort of, und von Euven, Vachstoven, Schultz, von Joe, so I'm like, by the rules of Nemesis.
	And I hold up the turd above my head.
	Eventually, a piece falls off, splashes down, and then I drop it.
	By the way, in French Canada, in Quebec, an étran, E-T-R-O-N, is a piece of a piece of shit.
	So an étran fell into the toilet.
	And of course, I got what I asked for.
	All my friends, cheese, skeeters, Zabo, Sacco, they're all screaming, incapacitated, on the ground, hysterical, fainting, doing that thing that only happens in high school where you laugh so hard, you're physically trying to grab air and put it into your mouth because you're dying.
	You're suffocating.
	So you reach out, you grab air, and you try to force it back into your mouth.
	I washed my hands over by the cow feeder about 600 times then.
	So we go, all right, this has superseded the game, the poo down.
	This is much bigger than going poo.
	We got to find this guy and make him our mascot.
	That was another fun thing to do.
	And I never did this, but Derek Beckles, my old buddy, who we don't speak anymore because I'm a Nazi, but he told me when he was in school, they just flipped through the yearbook and they went.
	And they just randomly poked on a guy named like Jeff Tran.
	And he was some Thai Cambodian, whatever student.
	And they said, We're going to make him a star.
	So they became obsessed with Jeff Tran.
	And they would try to get his autograph.
	They had 8x10s made of him.
	They'd take pictures of him in the street.
	They would try to interview his mother for their fanzine on Jeff Tran.
	They wore Jeff Tran t-shirts.
	And of course, Jeff hated it.
	And the mother would call them, begging, pleading for them to leave Jeff alone.
	And they would scream when he was in the hallways and stuff.
	Hilarious.
	So we decide we got to meet this guy.
	So I've always been a pretty good cartoonist.
	So I write, I make a flyer and it says, poo down.
	And it has a drawing of the toilet with the massive black sock in it.
	And I said, we saw this in the upstairs bathroom on the west wing yesterday at noon.
	Whoever did it, we want to meet you.
	Please meet us tomorrow at the same bathroom at the same time at lunch so we can shake your hand.
	You are a god.
	And it was definitely some farmer's kid who's, you know, six feet with a beard.
	You know those guys in high school that are men and have their own car and stuff?
	That's the way it was in the 80s anyway.
	You had met plenty of guys in high school had huge beards and girlfriends and some of them like didn't even live with their parents.
	They had an apartment.
	They had their own dishes and cutlery and stuff.
	I'm going to make spaghetti tonight.
	You want some?
	And so we didn't have a photocopier.
	There's no kinkos back then.
	This is 1985.
	And we go to these teachers, these heavily unionized, unfireable teachers who get four months off a year and get to go home at 320 and don't give a shit about their jobs.
	That's why you're watching Ghostbusters in class.
	That's why everyone in the class is doing a presentation that everyone then marks instead of the teacher so he can do crossword puzzles.
	But anyway, I go up to these teachers and I say, hey, man, we have this important notice we want to put up around the school.
	Can we use the photocopier?
	And that guy's like eating a banana and he goes, yeah, sure.
	Two separate times, teachers went to the photocopier and made us about 20 copies of this flyer, which 60% of the flyer was a giant toilet with a shit in it.
	60% of the time, I mean, sorry, that was 60% of the flyer.
	100% of the time, these two teachers made us 20 flyers and handed them to us and walked away.
	That's how little they cared about the students.
	didn't even look at what they were photocopying and notice it was a call to find a pooper.
	laughter
	So we put those up all over the school, everywhere.
	And they didn't even get taken down.
	Some people thought it was funny, right?
	The students read them, but the teachers, they didn't take them down.
	And that guy never showed, by the way, sorry.
	By the way, I wrote a little note there.
	We did drugs in the weirdest way back then.
	There wasn't pot around.
	No one had pot, probably because it's Canada.
	And, you know, people used to grow pot.
	I remember my parents' friends would grow pot.
	In the 70s, when I was a little kid, all my parents' friends smoked pot.
	All of them.
	When I smelled pot, I remember the 70s and my parents' parties, and they'd wear these skin-tight jeans with their brown nylon feet coming out of the bottom, the woman.
	And they'd be listening to her to True de Gribvine and Steely Dan.
	And we are the Sultans.
	We are the Sultans of Swing.
	And I'd be banging on the door.
	I gotta go to school tomorrow.
	Shut up.
	They had these big margarine tins with like 50 grams in them because you'd have to smoke 10 joints to get a buzz.
	And there's all these seeds and branches in it.
	But for some reason, when I was a teenager, there was no pot.
	It was just hash.
	And the way you would have to smoke it is you'd take a pop bottle from the pop shop and you'd put a small stone in it, about the size of a quarter.
	Basically the biggest stone you can get through the tiny hole at the top.
	And then you'd pick up your heel and you would bang the pop bottle on your heel.
	Sometimes the entire bottom would smash off and you'd have to throw that away and start again.
	But usually you'd make a hole that was about the size of four quarters.
	You know, like the hole when you make an OK symbol.
	Which is racist, by the way.
	And so you now have a bottle with a hole in the bottom.
	So you take your hash and you would break off a booger.
	You put that on anywhere.
	And then with a cigarette, you know the way you hold a cigarette?
	You'd hold it the opposite way.
	So the heater is now pointing into your palm.
	And you go down, you scoop up the booger so it's on the heater.
	Now you put your thumb on top of the bottle.
	Can you believe this ordeal?
	Then you would put your hand around the hole such that the cigarette was inside the bottle and the hash that was on the heater was burning inside the bottle.
	And you could see it because it was white smoke as opposed to cigarette smoke.
	And you'd watch the bottle fill up with white smoke.
	Then you'd take your hand away, drop the cigarette somewhere, give it to someone.
	And now you're holding a bottle of contained white smoke.
	Then just like the Pam cooking spray, you exhale and go.
	And I would cough.
	They used to call me the raunch king.
	And they'd be embarrassed of me at parties, but I'm sorry, I got shitty lungs.
	I never smoked cigarettes ever.
	And I would cough and cough, and then you would be so baked that you'd often just puke because you were so high.
	I remember one night we were all super high, and Tom Williams had to fart.
	And so we randomly choose someone to be farted on.
	And in this case, you notice, by the way, a lot of poo stuff here.
	Hey, ladies, trans people, genderless, binary, non-binary girls, if you're coming over to the dark side and becoming a man, it's not all Don Draper or martinis at lunch.
	It's mostly shit jokes.
	We talk about sex a lot, but we talk about diarrhea a lot.
	You know, you want to know what it's like to be a man, check out the George Brett video where he goes, shit, my pants last night.
	I'm good for one of those about once a year.
	That conversation about the de Blaggio and how he got Food poisoning and had just water running down his leg.
	It's on YouTube.
	It's one of two awesome George Brett videos.
	The other one being when he lost his temper on a Tyne Par call.
	It was the baseball player I'm talking about.
	That's being a man.
	I'm not necessarily recommending it, ladies.
	I like it, but I like a lot of weird stuff that most people don't like.
	Like the band GBH I was describing earlier.
	I don't think most people would enjoy hearing city baby attacked by rats.
	So, oh, damn, there I go again with these stupid tangents.
	Yeah, so Tom has to fart.
	And so they go, Gavin!
	So they decide they have to hold me down.
	And I've got two guys on each arm, two guys on each leg, and one person holding my head up with his hands.
	I cannot move.
	And Tom pulls down his pants, and I see his anus coming towards me.
	And by the way, the reason I have all these stories is my daughter and my eldest son keep asking me, what did you do in high school?
	What was high school like?
	So I get to relive all these.
	And every time you tell one, you remember another, and it's fun.
	That's a great thing about having kids, too.
	You get to relive your own childhood.
	And I tell them all these stories.
	They're disgusted, of course.
	But I think it's good that they know that you can have a stupid, disgusting adolescence.
	So anyway, Tom's anus is coming towards me, and it's hairy.
	And I'm not looking forward to it, believe it or not.
	Also, there could be some splatter.
	There's no guarantee this is just going to be a sweet whisper like Betty Davis blowing in my ear.
	This could be an explosion.
	It could have catastrophic consequences.
	And I think the McInnis brain, my dad told me he would do this at meetings where he'd purposely fuck himself and leave himself in an important pitch with no idea what he's going to say just to see what he would do in a corner like a cornered rat.
	So my brain starts really kicking into overdrive.
	And as the hairy anus comes towards me, I have no idea what I'm going to do.
	And then all of a sudden, oh, crap.
	Oh, no.
	I just horked a greener on my fucking keyboard.
	That might ruin my keyboard.
	I was trying to do it into a mug for perfect sound effects.
	Now I've ruined a t-shirt and possibly my entire computing system.
	Anyway, I horked on his butt and then he goes, and he stands erect like he has just been electrocuted and runs out of the room screaming.
	And then, of course, they're all laughing so hard that I'm a free man.
	By the way, the laughing so hard is an important factor there.
	I don't think you'll ever laugh as hard as you laugh in high school.
	But we used to do things like me and Digger, the guy we called Dog Boy, we called him Dog Boy, by the way, because he had very pronounced features, like a big chin and a strong nose and like dark eyebrows and stuff.
	So we thought he was hideous.
	Turns out he was a gorgeous hunk.
	Like he ended up doing modeling later on.
	That's the thing about being a young man.
	You don't know what attractive is.
	In fact, there was this fat chick we called big, big, I'm going to change her name, Big Jenny.
	And I didn't know she was fat.
	We all lost our virginity to her.
	And it was awesome.
	And then other girls go, she's fat.
	And we go, oh, yeah, she's fat.
	It was girls that brainwashed us into thinking fat is bad.
	When you're a young man, you know, outside of obese, this is the 80s.
	If you didn't have obese, you're just like, she's awesome.
	She's got boobies.
	But we used to, like, I would just draw a guy.
	We'd be in chemistry class.
	I would draw a guy, a big, huge, fat guy.
	And then I would make his head like the size of a penny.
	And I would hold up this drawing that took like 20 minutes to make and show it to Digger.
	And he would just fall off his chair, collapse laughing, and then he'd be sent into the hallway.
	I remember he did a drawing once.
	It kind of looked like Milo from the album The Descendants, Milo Goes to College or whatever.
	It looked like Milo with those kind of glasses, but the top of his head was just a plant and it had leaves.
	And he worked hard on it.
	And then I hear like, pssst, pss, and I look over and he holds up the piece of paper with that stupid drawing on it.
	And I'm dead.
	I fall off my chair or my head is on the desk and I'm getting in trouble.
	If you show me a funny drawing today, I would just go, that's a funny drawing.
	That's nice.
	Sort of like sex.
	I mean, back then, a girl could just like touch the front of your jeans and you'd have 3,000 orgasms and have to go to the hospital.
	Now, you basically have to punch me in the face and I'm not going to get into the details.
	I'm married.
	So we had this game.
	It was called Getting Got.
	And it makes no sense to me now.
	But when you're basically on nitrous oxide, which is what adolescence is, it was the funniest thing in the world.
	So what you do is you hide somewhere in a room behind a ledge such that only your eyes are showing.
	Not your nose, just your eyes, right?
	So like go to your desk right now and lower yourself down.
	Actually, it would be perfect.
	I wish we had cubicles back then.
	It would be perfect in a cubicle office where you just sort of raise your eyes so you're just peering at the guy over the top of his cubicle wall and you wait there.
	Sometimes it could be for an hour.
	And then when he finally sees you, he collapses.
	And so you do things like, you could do it sideways too, like on the edge of a column or something.
	There'd be your friend working.
	He'd be doing it.
	You'd be at some sort of, I don't know, school hobby thing, or he'd be at the auditorium or something.
	Or in class, and then you would just sort of, maybe through the little square window of the door of the classroom, you would just sort of poke your head there with your eyes, just staring.
	No expression, right?
	They can't see your nose or your mouth.
	And you stare at the guy, and then he'd eventually meet your eyes and fucking collapse laughing.
	The greatest one I ever experienced was Digger, dogboy.
	He was in a school bus, and I'm walking home.
	He's coming by, and, you know, for every 10 times you try to get someone, Nine of them go down the toilet and they don't notice you, but when it hits, boy does it hit.
	So he's driving by in the school bus and just his eyes, he's lowered himself in the seat and put himself up against the window.
	So just his eyes are peering out.
	And I happen to look up at the school bus and I see these eyeballs go by.
	And my knees, it was like I just got shot in the knees.
	Both my knees just cease to be and I fucking collapse, dying, dying laughing.
	And he doesn't even get to enjoy seeing me laugh because he's off.
	He's on his way home on the school bus.
	Another fun game we used to do is piss on each other.
	So there's nowhere to go, right?
	You're 14, 15, and we're in Kanata, Ontario.
	There's nowhere to go.
	But we use that to our advantage.
	And what we do is we walk into the woods with a 2-4, that's 24 beers, for maybe 40 minutes.
	And then you're in the middle of nowhere.
	You can light a huge bonfire if you want.
	And that's called a bushbash.
	So we would do those every weekend.
	And it was hard to get beer.
	You had to wait by the liquor store and find some loser who would agree to buy you beer in exchange for one of two beers.
	Isn't that idiotic?
	That guy's risking a felony.
	I mean, what if one of us takes that beer and then drives drunk and then kills someone?
	Surely he's going to get charged.
	He facilitated this murder.
	So some dork loser would save the day and he would buy us beer.
	Now, it's hard to get drunk on beer, so what we would do is you'd open all six at once and then with a straw, just attack them all.
	Trying to get a buzz.
	You'd drink six there in a field by the liquor store.
	Then you'd go over the Kanata Overpass and you would walk for an hour.
	I got to remember to mention the Kanata Overpass too.
	Walk for an hour through the bushes and then have this like secret lair.
	It was awesome.
	And there was little areas.
	You had to make sure you left early because if you stayed too late, it would just be rockers.
	And the rockers all came from broken homes, like the headbangers.
	And they wanted to fight.
	And they'd be drunk and in the woods.
	I remember one time we were walking home, this black kid, Sheldon, who was a banger.
	He had to straighten his hair, was like whipping us with sticks.
	And there was only two of us, and he was in a gang of like 10.
	They were trying to hit us with sticks.
	They ended up chasing us out of there.
	So time you're leaving early.
	There was another chick, I won't mention her name, but I had sex with her on top of this mossy rock.
	And when I got home that night, I had twigs and moss in my foreskin.
	And I realized I wasn't going into her vagina.
	I was going into the moss in between her legs.
	And she found out about that.
	And she found out she was on a list of girls that I'd done it with.
	And she goes, I want off that list.
	That was moss, not me.
	I don't know how she knew.
	Anyway, we would go to these bush bashes and do shotguns and get wasted.
	And it was us using what we had been given, which was nothing, literally nothing, and making it into a huge, awesome party.
	There's just the abyss, the Canadian wilderness, nothing out there but farmland.
	And we made it into an awesome party and had a bonfire.
	And that's what you got to do.
	By the way, those have been canceled now because some kid came home and I think he wandered out onto the freeway and got hit by a car and died.
	And those are all abolished now.
	And that's horrible.
	Obviously, it's horrible that kid died, but it's also horrible that that custom is gone.
	You know, these kids can't have fun.
	The Kanata Overpass, by the way, you can look it up online.
	It's right by the Kanata town center.
	And it goes over this massive freeway, the Queen's Expressway, I think it's called.
	I think it goes all the way to Vancouver.
	Massive highway of like eight lanes.
	And an initiation into our gang was to walk over the top of it.
	And I still shudder when I remember that.
	I don't even want to look at it on Google Maps right now.
	Because if you fell, you'd fall like 200 feet.
	And if the impact didn't kill you, you'd be hit by an 18-wheeler.
	I think when I went over it, to be totally honest, I don't think I walked.
	I think I sort of crawled on my belly.
	But then there was this dude, Craig Fraser, and he was kind of a nerd, came from a tough home.
	I think he lived in a trailer park or something.
	I believe he took his motherfucking bike over the top of the Kanata Overpass.
	This is sort of a tube, right?
	It's an encased plexiglass bridge, cement bottom, glass on the sides.
	Like any sort of enclosed bridge that goes over a freeway.
	But obviously, if you were to crawl out on the top of it, you'd have this thin, maybe three-foot-wide cement part along the top that's like the spine that we would walk over.
	Oh, God.
	I remember guys go, I want to join you guys, but I don't want to do that.
	And I would say, good, then don't, because I don't want to be responsible if you die.
	I don't want to be the guy who insisted that you do it.
	And Craig Fraser wrote his BMX across the top of it.
	I don't even know if anyone was there.
	Maybe he was lying.
	God, I hope he was lying.
	I mean, speaking of the Kanata overpass, because we were sort of not part of the school hierarchy, I've mentioned this before.
	It's like having a Scottish accent in Britain.
	You're not upper class or lower class.
	You're freaks.
	You guys are the weirdo misfits animal house type of thing.
	So you don't apply.
	And we thought, okay, let's take advantage of this.
	Now that there's no rules with us, let's increase our Island of Misfit toys factor and bring in David McIntosh.
	Now, David was a raging nerd, clearly autistic, probably works at NASA today.
	And he had been bullied quite a bit.
	I remember him being bullied where they're going to throw him in the creek.
	This is at my previous school, Diabre Moody.
	And there was a creek that ran through it.
	And the bullies were going to put him in the creek.
	And so he just walked in the creek up to his waist and said, you happy now?
	That's the kind of nerd he was.
	Very logical.
	So we bring him in.
	And back then you would steal jungle juice, right?
	I hope kids still do that at least.
	Where you'd get a jar, it never had the top.
	And you go to your parents' liquor cabinet and you're like vodka, slow gin, whiskey, wine, old rotten wine that your dad forgot to throw out that had corked long ago.
	And you would make this jungle juice of different drinks.
	You know, Skeeter and Cheese's dad was so aware of this that he started marking the bottles and then they would steal from the bottles and add water.
	So then he got like this alcohol-like stick that you could put in and judge the alcohol content to see if his stuff was being diluted.
	He was ahead of the game.
	So then you'd put saran wrap on top and like 40 rubber bands and that was your jungle juice.
	And we used to have this pact.
	We're going to drink till we puke, right?
	Remember one night Tom Williams, the guy who tried to fart on me, he didn't puke, and we were so pissed.
	It was like we'd been stabbed in the back.
	Tom, everyone puked on Friday, but you.
	What have you done?
	I thought you were one of us.
	And you just ate two, Tommy?
	So we said, let's bring David McIntosh on board.
	So we give him some jungle juice.
	And he gets way too wasted.
	And there was a couple of chicks that would come in and out of the gang.
	There was My Lin Nguyen, who was a 8.5.
	She's still around today.
	My Lin was half Vietnamese, breathtakingly gorgeous, like shocking to look at.
	But it's Canada, right?
	So she talks like this fucking poser.
	And she lived way out further out in Kirp than most of us, eh?
	So you're looking at like something who looks like she's out of a Disney cartoon, like Milan or something like that, eh?
	But she's got on a fucking lumberjack jacket and drinking a 2-4 and calling everyone by their last name.
	Fucking look at McInnes over here laughing his ass off.
	Fucking thinking he's hot shit.
	It was super bizarre.
	It was like Billy Idol.
	He's got his punk look and he's like, as without a face, got no human race.
	Oh, I forgot to tell you about the peeing.
	But let me finish the David McIntosh thing.
	So we give him some jungle juice and then I realize, uh-oh, what have we done here?
	We went through the fourth dimension.
	This is like poltergeist.
	We reached in with a baseball on a rope and we pulled in something out of Stranger Things, one of those Carcancrodons, rhododendrons.
	I haven't watched the show, but my family likes it.
	We've done something wrong here.
	We've violated the space-time continuum.
	And so he starts projectile vomiting.
	And there was this girl in our gang, Tammy Conkle.
	And he starts falling in love with her.
	Yeah, dude, okay.
	You know, ask her on a date next week.
	Not tonight.
	We're partying.
	We're trying to puke here.
	And I remember him on the Kanata overpass, not on the top, thank God.
	And he's just projectile vomiting jungle juice, roaring.
	And he was like, Tammy, I love you.
	And I remember seeing him just fill the overpass.
	She sort of shook and walked away.
	She wasn't turned on, believe it or not.
	I love you too, David.
	And I remember that night thinking, there's certain things you can't do.
	Like sometimes there's an order to the universe and there's a meritocracy there.
	And if someone is worthy of a gang, they will naturally end up there.
	Don't go messing with the natural order of things.
	It was a form of affirmative action, really.
	And it was wrong.
	Like, say Brad Pitt said to the head of the Brad Pitt fan club, and I assume she's fat and ugly and probably has short hair.
	Say he went to her, I'd love to have sex with you.
	Do you think they're going to make love?
	Do you think it's going to look like a Harlookin romance?
	No, it's going to be a mess.
	She's going to puke from fear and nerves.
	She's going to be crying the whole time.
	She's going to be saying, I'm so fat, you hate me, and I'm ruining this.
	I'm such a loser.
	I love you, Brad.
	It's going to be a mess.
	Brad Pitt cannot fuck the head of the Brad Pitt fan club.
	It'll be a mess because you're messing with the natural order of things.
	She's meant to just fawn over him.
	He's meant to have Angelina Jo lead.
	Sorry.
	I'm an egalitarian.
	I'm into the underdog.
	I'm not a classist by any means, but don't mess with things.
	Let it happen naturally.
	All right, so to get back to pissing.
	At these bush bashes, right, there's no rules.
	It's Lord of the Flies.
	Piggy has the conch shell.
	And Digger was the best guy to do this to for some reason.
	I don't know why, dog boy.
	You go up to him and you just sort of gently pull out your penis and you aim it at his leg.
	And then you've got your beer and you don't touch your penis.
	And you just talk to him as you piss on his leg.
	Now, the funny thing about this is, and by the way, this isn't bullying.
	He's going to get you back.
	This is what I think a lot of young people don't understand.
	Like, I dare to eat that spider.
	Okay, I'm going to eat the spider, but now we're part of the same gang, and you're going to have to eat a spider sometime.
	Or else you're just little Lord Fauntleroy dictating these horrible things you have to do.
	Once you open that Pandora's box of dares, you're in it with us, dude.
	So when I'm pissing on Derek's, sorry, Digger's leg, I know that I'm getting pissed on.
	I don't care.
	Plus, it's not like on the crotch.
	It's just on the shin.
	It dries up.
	Anyway, the funny thing about peeing on a guy is it's body temperature.
	So you don't notice.
	This is not the ice bucket challenge.
	It's whatever we are, 97 degrees.
	The pee is like 96 degrees.
	So you're sitting there leaking on a dude, talking to him, going, yeah, I don't know, man.
	Debbie is, she's like a nice girl, but I don't know if she's the one for you.
	And then Digger's like, why do you care so much about my relationship with Debbie?
	What was her name?
	Debbie DeLiva?
	I forget her name.
	Anyway, why do you care so much about me and Deb?
	And why are you so giggly?
	Oh my fucking God!
	Dude!
	And you realize the guy's been pissing on you.
	That's why he was laughing so hard.
	God, that was a fun one.
	I've got them all listed here.
	Oh, yeah, we would also break into the gym.
	There's a lot of stealing.
	A lot of the times with stealing, just check the door.
	I went to Carleton University.
	It was called Cartoon University because it was for stupid people.
	And there's these underground tunnels that fill up the school.
	And the janitors ride golf carts through them.
	And you can walk literally for three miles on these underground tunnels.
	And you don't want to.
	It's not exactly nice.
	And some anus at the college realized they could save $1,000 a year if they unscrew every second bulb.
	So they're dismal, dark.
	It's literally like something out of lost.
	Like it's depressing.
	But Steve, the guy from the other podcast episode, the guy doesn't like me anymore either, he just goes, I'm going to try this.
	He puts his car key into the ignition for the golf cart.
	And it works.
	And we just start taking golf carts to school every day.
	Occasionally we'd be caught by janitors and we just say, John told us.
	There's probably going to be a John.
	And we would get away with it.
	Hey, man, it's Ottawa.
	You got hustled.
	So we're trying out the gym one day, and we realize the janitor's closet that leads to the gym is open.
	So we go in through the janitor's closet.
	We're up in the gym.
	No one's around.
	It's lunchtime.
	So then we start grabbing the wrestling mats and we pull them out to underneath the basketball net, huge four-foot mats on top of each other.
	So now we have like, no, no, maybe two foot mats on two feet.
	So we have four feet of mats all over the place.
	Then we climb up onto the basketball hoop and we start having competition who can backflip off the basketball net onto the mattresses.
	And I just remembered Steve and Digger both were too scared to do it.
	And they did that thing that adolescent boys do where they try to make it cool that they chickened out.
	And I remember them saying, I'm glad I didn't do it.
	It's fucking stupid and dangerous.
	And it shows that I'm probably going to live a lot longer than you guys because I understand survival.
	And I was like, whatever, pussies, you chickened out.
	And on the way out that day, Steve lay a giant cable in the janitor's little area there in between the gym and the hallway, like where his desk is and where some gym equipment is.
	He just lay a huge black sock right on the ground.
	He pooed on the ground of the...
	He's got his keys with like 700 keys and he opens it up.
	Fucking animals.
	These animals.
	I don't know how you pick it up.
	If I was him, I would get some newspaper and lay a sheet down, then another page, then another page, then another page, and then sort of pick up all the pages at once, hoping I don't even feel the texture.
	Poor bastard, what a bunch of terrible kids we were.
	All right, what else have I got here?
	Party crackers, dead cat, stuffed in a trunk.
	I remember there was a lot of us, right?
	Rick Lull, one of the farmer kids, that guy that I lifted off the ground by punching him in the balls.
	Oh, another funny thing we do too is people would sit by their lockers, usually losers who didn't want to socialize, and they'd have like their one friend that they liked, and they'd sit on their ass on their locker in the hallway instead of like socializing in the main area there by the cafeteria.
	And if I was with someone, I would sort of get them right to my left-hand side so our shoulders were almost touching, and I'd pretend I was engaged in the conversation.
	And then just when you get near those kids who were studying, sitting on their asses, boom, you shove the dude.
	And lockers were so good.
	They had the perfect amount of give.
	Like you could be shot out of a cannon and hit the lockers and it wouldn't really hurt.
	They had that sort of air in the middle there.
	They had good shock.
	So you'd send your buddy, not just smashing into the lockers, but tumbling over those two people, ruin their books and everything.
	God, we were bad kids.
	We used to go to sandbanks in Ontario.
	It's sort of like spring break.
	It's a beachy area.
	Yes, we have beaches in Canada.
	And we do this horrible thing where we'd see kids working on a sandcastle, and we would walk and pretend we're really engrossed in conversation and walk through the sandcastle as we were talking and then stop and go, oh my God.
	Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
	I didn't see you guys there.
	I am so sorry.
	As you just crunched through their giant sandcastle.
	And they just have this look of like, what just happened?
	How can, that's two hours washed away.
	That's the kind of kids we were.
	We were bad eggs.
	And you should be a bad egg when you're a kid.
	So yeah, there was about 12 of us.
	And the only one who had a car was a farmer's kid, Rick.
	It was like an old Chevy Nova.
	So we just pile in the trunk.
	There'd be like two people in the front, four in the back, and then five in the trunk of the car.
	And you're whipping through, maybe for 20 minutes, headed to McDonald's or something.
	We did a scavenger hunt one year, and there was all the, I think the guy who started it, it was Cheese's big brother, Sean, got arrested for it.
	But it was all things like get a picture taken with cops, steal this statue from McDonald's, go break this window.
	It was this massive list.
	And we weren't even close to the winners because we just got wasted and stuff.
	But anyway, you're in the trunk of a car for all this time.
	So vulnerable.
	So easy to get killed.
	I feel like I'm making this too long.
	Oh yeah, I got to remember this.
	Oh, I should remember that too.
	All right.
	Foreskin fights.
	Now, as I mentioned earlier, we were about half British, our friends, half British immigrants.
	I was a British immigrant.
	And British people have foreskins.
	The reason that you dummies are circumcised here in America is because Dr. Joseph Kellogg's of Kellogg's Cornflakes, Dr. Joseph Kellogg, sorry, he decided men are masturbating too much, which is true, actually.
	But I don't agree with his methods.
	My solution to masturbating too much is to stop masturbating.
	Mr. Kellogg's solution was to genitally mutilate babies.
	So not a Muslim thing, not a Jew thing.
	He decided that nothing to do with the Bible.
	Young boys should have their foreskins cut off so their penises feel less good, so they will masturbate less.
	So when I was a boy in Canada, everyone who was like second generation Canadian was circumcised.
	Everyone who was first generation Canadian with British parents wasn't.
	That turned out to be about 50-50.
	So we would fight each other based on who was circumcised and who wasn't.
	And we were all friends with each other, of course, until these fights came.
	And the way you would announce a fight is if you had a foreskin, you would go, Aooga!
	Awa!
	like at a party or outside, anywhere.
	And once you made that announcement, the foreskin guys would go to one side of the party.
	Girls hated this, by the way.
	It would empty the party of all girls.
	And the circumcised guys would go to the other side of the room.
	Then we would charge each other, fight, punch, and ultimately wedgie the guy.
	That was sort of like the final thing was an atomic wedgie.
	That was our scalping.
	That was how we knew that we had won is number of waistbands you had, right?
	And we loved that girls hated it, too.
	It was like telling our libidos to go fuck themselves.
	Like, yeah, we're going to blow our chances with these chicks.
	That's what gambling is, by the way.
	When you go to Vegas, you're really just saying, I'm sick of money lording over me.
	I'm going to make this a giant fuck you to money.
	I don't even want to win.
	I want to lose.
	That's why when people win, they spend it again.
	They don't want to go home with money.
	Gambling is about a nephew to money.
	I'll never forget this woman I saw.
	She had a nice gown on.
	This was in Vegas.
	And there was that stupid bulldozer thing that pushes the coins over the edge.
	She, as she won, which takes a long time to accrue that kind of coinage, she finally won, pushed it over the edge.
	You know what she was doing with her winnings?
	She couldn't get them back into the machine fast enough.
	Now, you're starting back from scratch.
	We can see from the bulldozer thing that there's a big empty space there that you just emptied.
	That's yours now.
	Why are you going back to the beginning?
	But she didn't want the money.
	She wanted to lose.
	And that's what we would do with these fights.
	Anyway, sometimes a circumcised guy would call the fight and he would go, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip.
	And the opposite would happen.
	The circumcised guys would start ganging up on the one non-circumcised guy.
	And it was funny, too, because, you know, you're sitting at a party, someone's house, someone has to babysit, whatever, someone's parents are away.
	And you sort of look around the room and you do a little mental tally and you go, oh my God, there are seven uncircumcised guys here, and Cheese is the only dude who's circumcised.
	Oh, God!
	And then he'd look around the room like a scared rabbit, and we would just pound him, rip his underwear to shreds, punch him in the head.
	And it would happen to you, too.
	It happened to me a million times.
	I'm sitting there laughing, the king of the party, like totally rocking it.
	Yeah, let's do a shot.
	Yeah, let's have some more jungle juice.
	And then I'd hear a snip, snip, snip, snip, snip.
	And I'd look around and realize none of my four-skinned brothers.
	I remember at one party at Andy Miller's house, I was ganged up on like that.
	And just as the fists are coming towards me, I just scream out, awooga.
	And all the British kids downstairs hear that and just come storming up the stairs.
	Awuga!
	All right, that's enough.
	Put a dead cat on the front.
	We used to have party crackers on Tuesday where we'd bring Ritz party crackers from the PN Sports book.
	We all had to wear pajamas in the car.
	Otherwise, I think I covered everything.
	Oh, yeah, one other thing we used to do, play boomerang death, where we'd whip boomerangs at each other and you'd run for your life as these boomerangs were whipping through the sky.
	That was super fun.
	Moving cars is another thing we used to do.
	If you have five guys, six is ideal, right?
	Three on each bumper, and you go one, two, three, especially like a Prius or something, you can move it a foot at a time.
	So we'd spend the whole lunch taking some dude's car and we'd move it like on top of in the middle of the football field, on top of a hill.
	You'd be amazed how far you can move a car just by going one, two, three.
	Anyway, I could go on all day.
	I've gone on for quite a while now.
	I think this has been an hour long.
	But there's a moral to all this.
	And the moral is you don't need organized sports.
	You don't need to be in a fun city.
	You don't need to grow up in the Lower East Side or in East London.
	You don't need to be in a band in Los Angeles.
	Your scene, your little area is your New York City.
	You can, you know, I've always said that I've never been envious of like the New York punk scene in the 70s because we had our own scene in Ottawa.
	And even when you go to New York, we had our sort of early aughts scene with the hipsters and the strokes and vice or whatever.
	And then someone else came in and made their scene.
	New scene now seems to be pretty fucking lame and politically correct, but every old person scoffs at a young person's scene.
	Maybe it's fun.
	So that premise of come to New York, come to LA, come to London and make your own scene doesn't need to apply to those big cities.
	You can be in Kanata, Ontario, and look it up in Google Maps.
	It could not be lamer.
	It is, even to farmers.
	Like in the country, it's cool.
	You can hunt and go ride your ATV around.
	The carpies would ride their skidoos.
	We didn't have that.
	We had the worst of all worlds.
	We were in the burbs, not near anything, and without the advantages of being in the country.
	And we still made that fun.
	How?
	By making up totally retarded rules, parameters, fighting, fucking with teachers, getting in trouble, getting expelled, getting, oh my God, we got suspended and I can't even remember why.
	I remember Colin wasn't, well, he was suspended for three days.
	Sacco, the fat kid.
	I can't even remember what the hell that was.
	It was something like a plastic gun?
	Holy shit.
	That's a good sign, though.
	You know, it goes back to Animal House, where he says, we may have taken some liberties with guests.
	I'm not denying that.
	We did.
	Then he winks at the dean and he says, but to indict a few bad apples, is that not to indict the entire fraternity system?
	And to indict the fraternity system, is that not to indict the educational system in America?
	And if you're going to indict America's education, are you not indicting this entire country?
	Well, you can do what you want to us.
	After he says, I'll put it to you, Greg, but I'm not going to sit here and let you badmouth the United States of America, gentlemen?
	And then they march off.
	And the beauty of that scene is He's saying, screw you, authority, screw you, rules, screw you, parameters, screw you, environment, context, situation I'm in.
	I'm going to make this fun.
	I am going to create my own culture.
	I don't need you.
	I don't need money.
	I don't even need booze.
	I'll steal my jungle juice.
	And I will create a scene that is just exciting and stupid and fun as any other dumb scene that's in the history books.
	By the way, half the time these scenes that you read about, like the Washington, D.C. hardcore scene or the Studio 54 New York scene, only seem magical because there's tons of black and white photographs.
	And there's tons of black and white photographs of them because rich people were around.
	In Washington, D.C., the hardcore kids were all the son of rich academics and bureaucrats, so they all had their own dark room.
	That's why there's 700 awesome pictures of bad brains and minor threat because there was rich kids with cameras in dark rooms.
	You have your own bad brains and minor threat.
	You have your own crazy scenes.
	All you have to do is make them happen.
	Make stupid rules, get in trouble, fuck with authority, and create your own culture.
	It's fun.
	So thanks for listening, guys.
	This is Get Off My Lawn, the free podcast up Tuesdays and Fridays every week.
	I also have the Paywall show.
	You can enter the promo code Gavin to get $10 off a year's supply of the show.
	It's on 8.30 every night, 45 minutes around.
	GetOffMyLawn at CRTV.com forward slash Gavin.
	And the promo code is the word Gavin.
	Third show we're working on is called CRTV tonight.
	That's still in the works.
	That's still on the drawing board.
	I'll keep you posted about that.
	But I will see you next Monday.
	We're going down to Florida for spring training.
	So it's going to be all Mets, All Baseball next week, Tuesday to Thursday.

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