Get Off My Lawn Podcast #26 | You Ever Hear a Joke and You Go, "How is That a Joke?"
As an incredibly funny person, I like to riff with strangers. Over the years, I’ve realized about 5% of the population can riff back. 30% of people enjoy humor and then there’s the 70% who are wondering why you’re saying a thing that isn’t true. Within the entire 95% of non-riffers there is this bizarre contingent of people who try to joke around by using random words that make absolutely no sense in a comedic context. I’ve written some of these down and would like to share them with you.
You ever hear a joke and you go, how is that a joke?
I mean, there's a lot of variances of this.
Sometimes someone will have an insult and you go, that's not an insult, that is actually what I believe and that is what I said or that is what I'd like to do.
That's not what I'm talking about.
That's just like people trying to be funny when they get the target wrong or they get the background wrong.
I'm talking about jokes where you just go, You've got the cadence and everything down, but you're not riffing.
And I've noticed this happen more and more, especially now that I live in the suburbs.
There was this kid the other day at the hardware store, and she goes to get a coloring book.
You know, those last minute impulse buys.
So she reaches back and she grabs a comic, and the mom goes, yeah, whatever.
That's the price you've got to pay for taking a kid to a hardware store.
You've got to give them a little stupid thing.
And he goes, some guy in line, like some construction worker, right?
White guy, normal guy.
You know, when I say white guy, I mean this wasn't some illegal who didn't get the culture.
And he goes, hey, why don't you get this one?
And I look at the coloring book she has, and it's just, it says Americana or something, and it's stars and stripes, whatever, you know, nothing special, just Susan B. Anthony.
It's patriotic, old-timey, themed pictures that you color, right?
And then he's laughing, and he's grabbing a Norman Rockwell coloring book.
In other words, the exact same thing.
How is that a joke?
What are you doing?
I get the rapport.
Like, even if he grabbed, I don't know, like a blank pad?
Like a stenographer's notebook?
And he said, why don't you get her this?
That's horribly unfunny.
But at least there's a joke there.
The joke is, save money, you know, don't have fancy pictures, this one's only two bucks.
That would have been a better joke.
Yeah, this is only two bucks.
I mean, that's still terrible!
But at least it's in the realm of joke.
I'm realizing, as I get older, joking is unusual.
I like riffing.
And people just don't do it.
Like, today I was in that awkward time of day where you don't want to have a lunch and ruin your dinner with the kids, because I think it's very important to have dinner with your family.
But you're starving.
So you go, I'll get like a bag of Cheetos and a Snickers bar.
That should tide me over.
Snickers really satisfies.
What does my son call it?
My Sniggles.
Um, so I'm there and there's an old Chinese guy, not old, my age.
So yeah, old.
And uh, he's got lottery tickets and someone just filled out their lottery tickets and people are looking and they're reading like, what's the lottery this, this day?
And I just, I said to the guy, uh, people in there, fucking lottery tickets, huh?
You're not gonna win!
Do any of them have calculators at home?
And he looks at me, and I think he just assumes I'm on a call, and he can't see the headphones, because he doesn't even look up.
He doesn't even acknowledge me.
You know, that reminds me of another time I was at a store, and this time it was an Indian immigrant buying the cash.
And sometimes you know no one's going to get your joke, but you just say it anyway.
And so the guy goes, can I interest you in a lottery ticket, buddy?
On this time, on this day?
And I said, no thank you!
I won't be paying my stupid tax today!
And as I say that I look over and there's a nice middle-aged black man in a suit with a trench coat over top and that's relevant because it it shows he's like trying you know what I mean this isn't some dumb miscreant this is like a family man who has a job and is working hard as an American and he's on a little sort of a countertop and he must have seven In front of him, sort of scratching them.
And we sort of met eyes right after I yelled, stupid tax.
And I sort of went, not you, you're going to win!
At least those are jokes though.
But a lot of people don't want to riff.
You try to riff in a taxi, you try to riff, that's my big problem with immigrants, they don't get my jokes.
Try to riff with doctors, that's a nightmare.
They don't know any jokes.
They don't understand.
They're like Data from Star Trek.
Why are you making a joking sound with your face?
You have to be pretty advanced if you want to just joke with strangers.
Nick Swarzen and David Cross used to mess with strangers on a regular basis.
Stop me if I've told you this one before.
One time they got into an elevator.
I think they did this regularly, actually.
They get into an elevator, and Nick would already be in the elevator.
I guess he'd be waiting around in it.
And David would get on, and... Oh no, David would already be in the elevator, and Nick would get on.
No.
Jesus, I'm not doing a good job at this, am I?
I've become that old man who can't tell jokes.
Yeah, okay, so Nick's already in the elevator.
David comes in.
And Nick goes, uh, what floor?
Cause he's, it's crowded in there.
And David goes, uh, 13.
And then Nick pushes 3.
And he goes, uh, 13.
30?
And then he pushes 30.
And he goes, 13!
And he goes, I don't know, I can't understand you!
And he goes, what do you mean you can't understand me?
So then he hits 33.
And he goes, 33?!
What are you doing?!
And then David just loses his temper and he goes, and David just goes, YOU KNOW WHAT?!
FUCK THIS!
And he just gets out on the next floor, and then Nick pretends to be really hurt by this, really verklempt.
And he goes, jeez.
And then the guy next to Nick goes, don't worry about it, buddy.
We don't need him.
Is that the greatest response of all time?
We don't need it.
Where are we going?
Are we shooting out of the top of this building and soaring through the heavens like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory?
What do you mean we?
We're a we now?
We're a team?
Are we stranded on a desert elevator and he somehow took off in a raft and now we have to fend for ourselves without our coconuts fire expert?
But those are two comedians in their peak, that story, having fun messing with strangers.
I'm alone in the burbs most of the time, and in the city.
You know, going to and from work is where one would get up to some filling in the void with some riffs.
And I'm realizing that maybe five, I think I think 30% of the country appreciates comedy, enjoys funny stuff.
But only 5% is capable of it.
And there's another 70% there that don't understand it.
It's like gay sex.
Like, uh, I understand people like it, but I do not get it.
So half the time when I'm making a joke, it's like I'm coming up to someone and saying, would you like to French with me, sir?
So here's an example of one of the weirdest ones.
I'm buying coffee.
I'm buying a sandwich and a coffee.
And I also buy a bunch of drinks.
I can't remember why.
Oh yeah, I was faking peeing on something for a music video.
So I needed a bunch of orange juices, because we're going to do a bunch of takes, and apple juices.
I was going to make a concoction that looked like pee.
So I've got three orange juices and two apple juices.
I put them on the counter because I don't want to take, it's a big bag of juices.
I don't want to take up the whole counter by the couch.
He hasn't got a lot of room over there.
So I put it over on the counter.
And then he goes, everyone always does that, always leaving the drinks over there.
They're scared I'm going to drink them?
And I go, yeah, you look thirsty.
I don't want my drinks around you.
And then he says, ah, it is what it is.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
The joke was that we're not leaving the drinks here out of our courtesy to not take up your space.
We're leaving the drinks here because you're a drink stealer and you're gonna gobble them up.
God, I just realized my dink kinda hurts, and I had the spiciest burrito of my life tonight.
This must have been from when I went pee.
This is the great thing about being married.
Every time there's something unusual happen to your penis, you know it's not some slut from Lit or Max Fish.
You know it's your burrito that gave you the STD.
Anyway, uh, so the, the, the, what's the word?
The pretext for this scenario, this world that the joke lives in, is that you're a voracious drink stealer.
And I'm scared.
No, we're all scared of you.
That's why we never bring our drinks to the counter.
But then, when you said it is what it is, now it's, you're acting like your feelings are actually hurt.
I didn't bring the drinks to the counter because I didn't want to take up space.
I'm not literally actually scared you're going to steal my drinks.
I don't care if they're your drinks until I pay for them.
You want to chug my OJ?
Fine.
I'll go get a different OJ.
They're your OJ.
It's your stock.
So why did you say it is what it is?
And half the time when this happens, you kind of just want to stop.
Timeout.
Timeout.
Stop.
Everyone, excuse me.
I'm going to be in the lineup for a second here.
Why did you say it is what it is?
It's like the Larry David in you.
Why are you throwing up your hands and going, oh well, people are scared of me, I can't do anything about it.
That's the character, not you!
It's really confusing, and then you realize, oh, I think it's people who don't riff trying to riff.
And the riff is going too long, and they're bluffing.
Like, say you were an eight-year-old, and you had a leather jacket on, and your hair is slicked back, and you're talking to a hot chick, and you had no idea what you're saying, and you go, babe, I like what I see.
And she goes, oh, good, let's make out.
And you went, uh-oh, I have no idea what I'm doing here.
I've actually written down some of these in my phone because it's happened quite a bit.
In one ear, out the other.
Oh yeah!
That was another thing.
I was at a meeting with a bunch of guys.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
They're explaining like, OK, so what we're going to be doing next week is we're going to be coming up with donations for the nuns and we're going to be doing this.
And then one guy goes, all right, are you going to send this to us in an email or something?
And he goes, yeah.
Sorry, I'm reading my own notes here, and the problem with writing notes to yourself over the course of several weeks is they make no sense.
This guy said, I hope you send us an email, because what you say now is going to one end and out the other.
And then the other guy goes, Ha ha ha ha ha, yes!
Why is that funny?
He's saying what we're all thinking, which is, I'm not going to be able to remember all this, dude.
And the guy says, yes, I'll send you an email.
Then you laugh your head off?
Are you on nitrous oxide?
How is that funny?
Oh yeah, I remember this one.
Okay, this note says, at least you're not crying.
Oh, my hair keeps growing, you know what I mean?
So, I'm at the barber.
This is another example.
I'm at the barber, and my guy, black dude, yes, I have black friends, my barber, is a smart guy.
He's kind of an Alex Jones guy, which freaks everyone out because he's black.
But the guy next to him, great guy, he's a Yankees fan, I won't hold that against him, but a very chatty guy.
And by the way, there's a thing with barbers.
It's like prostitutes.
I'm with my client.
I'm with my sex worker.
You have your guy over there.
You deal with your guy.
But this guy's doing crossover kind of a stuff.
Which is weird.
That's like a prostitute coming into your room and going, So what's happening?
You guys horsing around yet?
You going around the world?
What are the deals here?
Using a condom?
Excuse me?
You deal with you.
Anyway, I haven't seen the back of my head in about a hundred years.
Occasionally I'll get a glimpse of it in photos and I'll notice, holy crap, I'm very thin in the back.
Not quite bald, but definitely... You notice, when you're my age, you notice it's raining and certain raindrops feel real cold.
And this is one of those cold, I mean, I was going to say, this is one of those cold raindrops.
What the hell am I talking about?
No, this is one of those moments where you realize you're bald.
So he's doing this sort of a circle thing, you know, where he shows you with the mirror and you can see the back.
And what are you going to, when was the last time you saw and you went, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I didn't know the back was going to look like that.
Uh, get back to work, Barbara.
100% of the time you go, yep.
Looks good.
Let's go.
Thank you.
You're itching to get out of there.
I'm not black.
I like my haircuts to be 15-20 minutes at the most.
You go to a black barber shop, they're waiting for hours.
And then the haircut, which you just had three days ago, especially Dominicans up in Washington Heights, the haircut will be like an hour and a half.
And it's just like cutting hair that was already cut three days ago.
The amount of haircuts that go on in Washington Heights, that should be a documentary.
Barbershop culture there.
It's amazing.
And you sound racist when you talk about it because most people haven't been up there and they don't know what they're doing, but I know a dude who's gonna open a barbershop up there and the competition is insane.
Anyway, sorry, long time to get to this.
Okay, one other quick tangent.
I'm at this bar in the neighborhood.
This is in the suburbs.
And this guy, I don't know him, and we're talking through another guy.
So we're not talking to each other, but the guy in the middle will make a joke and he'll comment and I'll comment.
It's almost like a threesome.
And then the guy in the middle leaves to go pee.
He's gone for a long time.
I don't feel like talking to the guy.
He said something that pissed me off.
He walked into the bar, and the guy I'm with, who's an old dude, probably like 65, he says, uh-oh, everyone's silent now, when the guy walked in.
And then the guy goes, why, because I'm a dad?
Dude, we're in the burps.
100% of us are dads.
What kind of joke is that?
Oh, I guess you guys are freaked out because Dad's here.
Me and Molly's about 30.
Dude, I got kids out the wazoo.
We all do.
There's people here whose kids have kids.
And now you're showing off that you... So that rubbed me the wrong way.
So anyway, we don't talk until the guy comes back.
And then we have a minor rapport via him, but never a one-on-one.
And I don't think I say goodbye to him.
Fine.
That day, when I'm about to tell you about this weird quote, this weird non-joke, that guy sits in the barber chair next to me.
Now, I'm racist, in the sense that all white people in the suburbs look the same to me, so I'll meet the same mom, same woman, like 30 times, and have no idea who she is.
I instantly forget what they look like.
They all have, like I'm used to, sorry, this is gonna sound terrible, but I'm used to hipsterdom, where one guy has an eye patch and the other wears a purple top hat, and this is called Beardless Eddie, and this guy wears epaulettes.
He's a 19th century, uh, what do you call him?
A dandy.
You know, he's got suspenders on.
Everyone wears the same quilted vest here.
I'm not disparaging them.
I'm just saying there's a lot more homogeneity here.
They have the same quilted vest, same jeans, same boots, same Gucci loafers.
And the same hair do.
So I'm sorry, but all of you look very similar to me, and I forget.
And when you don't do anything crazy, I'm used to guys that, like, Joe Coleman bites the heads off mice.
I sound like a total asshole right now.
I'm used to fucking intense artists, man.
You're not even an artist.
Can you paint?
Fuck you.
But I have been spoiled with very particular-looking people in my neighborhood for a long time.
There was Oscar the Grouch, there was Ernie and Bert.
There was even very few humans.
So now that I've left Sesame Street, I don't recognize people.
So he sits down next to me, and I don't notice that it's him, and he doesn't say anything.
Like he could have just said, hey, dude from the bar last night.
So now, and then after the first two minutes of silence, you can't go, you can't say, wait a minute, are you?
In fact, I didn't realize until I think he got up, so I'd have to sort of get up with my barber, like, blanket on, and go over and go, wait a minute, are you the guy that was at that thing last, and that's, now that's gay.
So anyway, sorry.
Totally useless talent.
I have a useless talent, but that was a useless tangent.
And I said to my barber, when he showed me the back, my hair is so long, like if I comb my hair forward, it goes down to my chin.
So I have a comb-over, I guess, I just realized.
I have a comb-over, a 2018 comb-over.
Same as my dad did in 1975.
And, uh, I comb it all back like Trump and I show him and I go, wow, you're really doing a good job.
Um, but I just, you know, I just keep going bald.
And, uh, and then the barber next to him goes, well, at least you're not like, oh no, my hair keeps growing.
You know what I mean?
Pardon?
What person has ever come into a barbershop and go, hey guys, my hair keeps growing!
This is what I mean with the coloring book guy.
He had the cadence of a joke, and it was like da-da-da-da-da-da-da!
You know what I mean?
Yeah, but that's not a thing.
Men get annoyed when they go bald.
It sucks.
You go down a point.
If you're a 7, you become a 6.
But no man has ever walked into a barbershop and said, my hair keeps growing.
Do men even have different rates of hair growth?
Are there guys that have to go in for a haircut?
I've heard of beards growing in really fast, and guys having to shave once a day, and they still get 5 o'clock shadow.
I've heard of that.
But like, head hair?
I have more examples of weird jokes.
I told dry cleaner not to peek.
She had no intention of peeking.
I don't know what that was.
Don't peek.
She had no intention of peeking.
I think I... I don't know what that joke is.
I guess I was dropping off my laundry and I told the woman not to peek and she didn't.
You gotta be really...
Really descriptive in your laughs.
I mean in your notes when you're talking about riffing because when someone comes back at them, especially I was an alcoholic up until Lent, which is today.
By the way, I'm pre-taping these podcasts because I'm taking a week off.
Um, so today is actually Lent.
You're hearing this many days later.
But, uh, I was a drunk when I wrote these.
I haven't been drinking since Wednesday.
It's actually Wednesday now, so I haven't been drinking all day.
But by the time you hear this, I won't have been drinking for like three or four days.
So, but when you're a big drinker, your notes have to be very precise.
I should probably stop reading these notes.
Uh, okay.
I think I got the last one here.
Brit guy talking about the dole?
Oh no, that's another thing.
Alright, last one.
Joked with basketball ref, he was missing the game.
The kids can wing it for a bit.
So, uh, my kid's playing basketball, and there's the ref there for the whole game, and I see him at a diner.
We drop the kids off at, like, 10 o'clock, but the game is until 10.30.
But the kids don't get to practice much, because, you know, the suburbs are spread out.
And we don't really take basketball seriously.
It's baseball we all take seriously.
So we drop him off half an hour early, then you go, you know, grab a BLT or whatever.
It's weird to watch a kid practice.
It's like watching a kid play.
How's the playing going?
That's my boy.
Throw it to your friend.
Good.
So I go get a BLT or something.
And I see the ref there.
And I, I don't know, I kind of forgot that we're doing this.
Or I assumed he'd be there for the practice, which was dumb.
I'm actually probably explaining why my jokes suck in this case.
But I said...
I said, uh, shouldn't you be reffing the game?
And he goes, no, no, no.
The little kid's starting to go, oh, I get it.
I get it.
Just let the kids wing it for a bit.
How bad can it be?
I thought it was kind of a funny concept that a ref would miss, you know, the first quarter of a basketball game.
And then he's chewing and he goes, they haven't started yet, so that's not going to happen.
And I sort of went, OK, yeah, I know.
And then they make you commit the sin.
Sorry.
They make you commit the sin of saying just kidding.
Which, every time you say just kidding, an angel in funny heaven loses her gorgeous wings.
And she's just moping around cloud to cloud.
Alone.
Scared.
Devoid of trust.
Lost.
Because of you.
Because of what you did.
Now there's other times when you're with riffers, and it's a fucking blast!
Like Kumiya.
Kumiya is... You know what makes Grabbing Beards with Kumiya fun?
He's so enthusiastic.
A lot of comedians, you meet them outside of comedy land, and they're really dull.
And boring.
And sometimes there's both, that they're depressed and sad and unbelievably hilarious.
One time I was at this bar called the Rustic Inn in LA, and I was surrounded by the funniest people on earth.
Like Fred Armisen, the black dude from Hot Tub Time Machine, Jay Johnson, I think David Cross was there.
Just like seven of the funniest people on a circular table.
All riffing and being unbelievably hilarious.
And this is normal for them, I guess.
I mean, this would be the... I have no respect for comedians.
I think it's a stupid job.
Especially when you're not the top of your game.
Like, Louis C.K.
doesn't have to do much work.
But these guys who drive around a Honda Civic going from town to town?
Yeah, but they get mad pussy.
Okay, congratulations.
That's sad to me, sleeping in a hotel room by yourself in Arkansas.
But, it would be cool when you get drinks in L.A.
and you're hanging out with hilarious people at all times.
I see the appeal there.
That's fun.
I'm rarely surrounded with seven people that are as hilarious as the G-O-G, the Gavin Original Gangster.
One time we were doing that and then Fred Armisen gets up and he goes, I gotta go guys.
And I was like, what?
I mean, this wasn't exciting to him.
So he, it was nothing for him to leave.
I go, why are you going?
We're just getting started here.
The riffs are, are on fire.
This table should be made of asbestos.
And he said, uh, oh, I'm playing Grand Theft Auto, and I'm at that part where you jump off the building on the helicopter, and I go, please tell me you're kidding.
And he goes, what?
No, I really am there.
Like, all comedians play video games, because you have the whole day to kill.
That whole thing about writing jokes, that's horse shit.
They just kill time all day.
That's why so many of them are alcoholics, because at least being hungover is something to do that day.
And he really was at that stage.
And then everyone else at the table goes, Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's great.
No, no, that's really hard.
It's really hard.
What you got to do?
Yeah, that took me like an hour to do that running jump thing.
And he left.
So I'm stuck here, in the world, wondering how to riff, and I'm pretty good at it, I have to toot my own horn, because I come from Quebec, where if you want to riff, you don't know if the person is French or English.
So, you know that thing where you go to the right, and they go to the right, and you go to the left, and they go to the left?
I remember doing that at Banque de Montréal, and I was like right, left, and then I go, you're just burning doing the Neutron dance.
And then I had to think of that in French, and my French has faded since then, but it was something like, which they wouldn't get, because that's a Pointer Sisters song, I think from Beverly Hills Cop II.
And you'd have to get right in the right epoch for a French person to understand, because they're not really into English culture.
So I come from a province where all your riffs have to be done twice, and one of them has to be in a different language.
But you come to a city with foreigners, and doctors, and dentists, and people who don't understand humor, and you go, I don't know how to riff.
Which is weird because New Yorkers are so funny.
Like there's areas, you go to say the Bronx, the north part of the Bronx where all the cops, retired cops live, they're all funny and mean.
Which brings me to another subject.
I might make this into another podcast.
I gotta make these short I'm afraid, kiddies, because I'm recording four in a week and I just, you only have that much mojo in you.
I guess the moral of this story, I'm going to have to wrap it up.
Sorry, this is a short one.
I guess the moral of this story is, if you're not funny, don't riff.
Like Chloe Sevigny, I've hung out with her a few times.
She's not funny, but she appreciates humor.
So she'll laugh her head off when you're funny because she gets it, but she doesn't really know how to riff.
And I think those kind of people, they like being around funny people.
Like Natasha Lyonne is one of these people who's just, Zinger after zinger after zinger.
Quality jokes.
So Chloe and her get along great because one is a perfect funny person and the other is a connoisseur of funniness.
But the rest of you guys saying just grab this coloring book or it is what it is.
I don't understand what you're doing.
Why are you wasting your time?
You're like, like a retard in many ways.
My girlfriend when I was living in Quebec when I was like 20, she was 18, and she was insanely hot.
She looked like Beatrice Dahl and Betty Blue.
And she would dress slutty, too, like knee-high socks and stuff.
And, uh, a retard walked into the store she was managing, a retail store, and he said, Salut!
And then he said, like, J'aime qu'est-ce que je veux, or something, je vois.
It was French for, I like what I see.
That's the thing about Down Syndrome.
You have a big ego.
Anyway dudes, I'm beat.
I've been recording stuff for this week off and I'm out of juice.
I'm sorry.
I guess I should have written more notes.
I'll just spend the rest of the time apologizing for not having more examples of people making jokes that don't make sense.
But please, please write them down and submit them to me.
My email is Gavin at CRTV.com And when these people make these jokes that make no sense, please go not aggressive, but go just curious Larry David.
Sometimes, by the way, you can do an accent and you could say like, excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm not from this country.
I couldn't help but notice that you said to the child, why not grab this coloring book?
I am learning about American culture.
How is this coloring book different than the coloring book that she did grab?
And he'll probably just he'll probably just be unable to explain it to you because it's unexplained.
