All Episodes
Previous Next
Nov. 27, 2017 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
43:49
Get Off My Lawn #36 | Thanksgiving Special
| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
I'm better than you.
I'm better than you.
I learned to play piano.
It was really hard.
Hello, how?
Welcome to my home.
Welcome to the suburbs.
I didn't go into the city today because I decided to stay home for Thanksgiving.
Now, for those of you not familiar with the holiday, Thanksgiving is a day where you sit alone, far from your family.
You eat McDonald's, drink bourbon, and crack open some brews.
Come a little closer.
Don't be shy.
Get a little closer with Erid ExtraDry.
Good jingle, by the way, Erid.
It's been in my head for decades.
It's nice to be doing the show from home.
You can hear my barking dog, Leroy, that I feel nothing for.
I don't love or hate that dog.
I see him as a little robotic dog.
Like, you remember in Blade Runner, they have that owl, and you find it's not a real owl.
It's all animatronic, and it looks just like a real owl?
That's how I feel about this.
I don't want this on my desk.
Can you get this out of here with the paper towels, please?
Staff?
Thanksgiving.
It's a holiday that is celebrated all over the world, really.
Christian originally, although we can't seem to get the story straight on what the origins of this holiday are.
1600s, I know the American one was, there's about three or four of them that say they're the main one, but it was Plymouth, Plymouth Rock, something.
Some Puritans in New England from England, hence the name.
They had dinner to celebrate the harvest, but surely celebrating the harvest goes back to pagan days.
I think most holidays that Christians celebrate are sort of trying to get pagans in to get the numbers up.
Like Christmas was the sun god.
I don't think Jesus was born on December 25th, but people worship the sun god, the shortest day of the year, so let's make that a thing.
And then Halloween, come on in, we want Halloween, guys, even though that's a pagan thing.
And Easter with the bunny, come on.
It worked.
We got our numbers up.
We might as well, because pagans are pagans.
Heathens.
Those were not glorious days, by the way.
We always hear about how if women ran the world, there'd be no war.
Yeah, women did run the world in pagan societies, and they sacrificed virgins, and they sacrificed babies, and they did horrible stuff.
So no, no, we're not going back to that.
Christianity is the best, and that's why it made the West.
But speaking of pulling people in, I'll probably do this in another talk, but my goal this December is to pull Jews into Santa.
I understand you don't want to do the manger and all that stuff.
Fine, that makes sense.
But Santa's not a Christian god.
He's just a guy in a suit.
It's Germanic originally, Northern European, Nordic god mixed with some Greek saint who gave prostitutes candies over a wall or something or a bag of change.
And a bag of change was a big deal back then.
We didn't have wallets.
But I say Jews should celebrate Christmas.
Celebrate Santa.
They do in California.
Every Jewish person I know in California celebrates it.
So why not, we should push for that?
Because I don't think Hanukkah is that great.
I mean, I see the presents they get.
It's like, remember that guy Ben, Rat?
He pretended it was as good as Christmas, and he got like a, it's a multi-charger.
It charges your iPad, your phone.
It's got all these different tentacles.
It's like an octopus.
I'll take a BB gun, thanks.
Shoot your eye out.
But anyway, we have to focus on Thanksgiving in my beautiful dining room that I'm alone in because I think that's how the custom goes.
At Plymouth they celebrate and they celebrate the harvest and it's really like the origins of it are ambiguous and I think what really matters is what people see it as.
Can you come a little closer, please?
I still feel like we already got the joke about the long table.
Now let's get real and but don't chop the headdress.
That's real important, eh?
What is it about though?
It's about the Indians and the pilgrims getting together and having a feast, whether they did that or not.
You know, there was plenty of feasts before that that were just about the Puritans, the Christian, the English celebrating their harvest.
They had a big harvest.
I think it was 1691, 1600s, and they wanted to celebrate it.
But over time, when you talk to, you know, a school teacher, that's my idea, by the way, that's my go-to person for the most possible naive human being, is a school teacher.
If you want a really simplistic view, talk to an academic.
But their simplistic view is that Indians are celebrating and it's a custom where we all get together.
And I think that's what it should be.
And it's funny that there's backlash, too, from Indians.
And I blame liberals for this.
Indians aren't political.
They're like gays in many ways.
They have their own stuff going on and it's not really that bad.
Being really political and really, you know, dogmatic about terms and stuff, it's kind of a white thing.
And it's actually a middle-class, upper-middle-class white thing.
I'm not saying that's good, by the way.
But this sort of fastidious meandering around terms and verbiology, and you said this and you said that.
You know what, Dave, you can just go upstairs.
You don't need to be here the whole time.
I'm going to go on quite a rant.
I'll yell for you if I run out of stuff to say about Thanksgiving.
but your labor is not needed here.
I remember speaking of...
He got in a lot of trouble for saying gays aren't political.
But I know gays, and there's only a tiny fraction of them that want you to get fired for not supporting gay marriage.
The rest are at a fashion show.
And with Indians, I believe there was a study back in 2003 about the name The Redskins, and Do You Find It Offensive?
And 4% said they had a problem with it.
Indians name their teams Redskins and I don't know about savages, but Braves and that kind of stuff.
They name their own.
In Arizona, I believe there's a kids football team called the Redskins.
So it's a perfectly normal thing for them.
And then the liberals invented a currency of victimhood, and everything had to be politicized.
Beano comics, shoes.
At my old show, we had a game where we'd look up something and you couldn't find something that wasn't racist.
Like broccoli.
Well, you'd look up broccoli.
Maybe it wasn't racist, but vegetables would be racist.
We did shoes.
We did shoelaces.
We did socks.
Everything you could think of has been called racist at some point.
So that's eventually going to, it's infected anthropology, it's infected piano ship, music, shows, band names.
And it was eventually going to infect Indians, and it did.
And all of a sudden, Indians who had a problem with the Redskins went up to about 80%.
I believe it's gone back down now.
They've sort of found their equilibrium, the free market of ideas is going, yeah, yeah, I was just, it just seemed to be a thing.
There seemed to be some money in it.
So I said, ew, because it helped me showcase other things.
That's the other thing about all this politicization.
They don't really believe it.
Like when the Gay Pride Parade wanted to be part of the Irish parade, and the AR said, no, you can be here, but it's an Irish thing.
We're not having a big LGBT float.
And then later, this is in William McGowan's book, Coloring the News, they said, so I didn't, I don't remember you guys being so passionate about being Irish.
And the gay group went, ah, we're not.
We just thought it was a good place to showcase our human rights.
So Thanksgiving has become politicized.
And now it is an insult to the Indians for you to sit around and celebrate the lynching of their people, the rape of their women, the stealing of the land.
And I'm going to get to that soon because we're going to do a tour of my dining room and we can see this large painting I have of a battle of Fort DeQuesne.
I refuse to accept that narrative.
That whites did brutal and horrible things to Indians, the wounded knee, trail of tears, the way they would separate children from their families under the auspices of helping them to assimilate.
The way they would take pedophile priests and put them on reservations.
Horrible stuff.
But there were horrible times.
History sucks.
And before we got here, the Indians were slaughtering each other.
Huge mass graves were finding.
Stories of Indians shooting dead Indians with arrows, psi, psi, psi, after they're dead so they'll be screwed in the afterlife.
And we didn't just fight them, we fought with them.
We fought their battles for them.
We fought with them against other tribes.
Sometimes they fought with us, French and the English.
So we need to get Thanksgiving back to what it's about.
And what it's about is what the school teacher says it's about, because the most common perception is the truth.
So I guess I'm a Nazi in that case.
No, but a house is only worth what people are willing to pay for it.
So the most common perception of Thanksgiving is that it is, you know what's funny?
After one sip of bourbon, I can feel my IQ lower.
Like when I was having drinks with Dan Coulter and Mickey Kaus, I was holding my own and I go, wow, I'm as smart as them.
I mean, sometimes I'm saying things that they're impressed by.
And then as I was ordering more and more drinks, I could feel myself going underwater until I was basically an intern who got to have lunch with his boss and was in way over his head.
So my IQ will be lowering slowly over the course of this show.
But the school teacher concept of Thanksgiving, the Indians and the pilgrims celebrating and thanking God and nature for all that they have, you know, not having conflict, settling their differences, assuming there was big differences going on.
I don't know if there was differences.
You know, one of the first encounters with Indians was not the first time, but it's what most whites thought, most English thought were the first time getting there.
This Indian came up, I forget his name, Oompa Lumpa or something.
He has no shirt on.
It's freezing cold in New England.
And he's just there, got his buckskin.
And they walk up to him, is he going to kill us?
And he goes, hi, do you have beer?
He had learned that English phrase, I guess, from a previous boat.
And these boats often did have beer because it was the only water you knew wasn't going to get infected.
And that's...
Anyway, I like this concept of thanksgiving, of people getting together, forgetting their differences, and being thankful.
I've noticed that about Indian culture.
When you go to Powos or something, my wife's an Indian, by the way, which is why I'm such an expert.
There's a lot of thanks, thanks, thanksity, thanks.
And that's a real similarity we have with Christianity.
You know, Indians and Americans are great allies.
And they always have been.
Outside of the disgusting thing that was history.
And by the way, you came to New York, you settled in upstate New York, you starved to death.
You were digging up your grandmother and eating her face.
Everything sucked back then.
So when you hear about Columbus, you know, massacring 13 Indians, that's because they just massacred 13 settlers.
You know, it was a barbaric time up until very recently.
Look at the lifespan that you had in the 1900s.
Look at the lifespan you had up until 1920, basically.
And now what are we, up to 80?
But when you really look at Indian culture, you see a lot of warriors.
You know, tribes have different clans, and there's the medicine clan, the storytelling clan, and then the warrior clan.
Now, you take over a country or create a country from scratch, which is what America was.
People go, you're an immigrant.
No, I didn't immigrate to America.
Actually, I did.
But the history of this people isn't immigrant.
There was no America here.
It was a place where the French and the Indians and the English were all fighting, trying to come up with a place.
It's not like there was an India with passports, and they said, no, it's ours now.
But in the formation of this country, during the fights, during the battles, we had warriors, and they were Indians.
And right up until the Civil War, World War I, right up until now, every time you go to an Indian's house, Anywhere on a reservation, you look up on the wall and there's pictures of vets, all Indians, all vets, because that's the warrior clan.
That's what they do.
And if you go to museums, like I was just in Cooperstown with the Baseball Hall of Fame, there's a beautiful museum there.
Some rich guy just collected a bunch of Indian stuff.
And I thought, I wish liberals would come here.
I wish they'd open their minds and they could see all the different bric-a-brac that has American flags on it, like a pair of mukluks or a pair of moccasins with intricately designed stars and stripes and eagles and USA and America all over them on kids' booties on gloves with big red, white, and blue fringe on them.
They're patriots.
They're chauvinists.
But the left, in their plea to make us all hate each other so they can wipe us out, so they can start anew with a big globalist agenda where we all speak Esperanto like George Soros wants, they've pitted us against each other.
And the beauty of Thanksgiving is it brings us back to that.
It says, oh yeah, give thanks.
Like at the powwows where they say thanks to the north, thanks to the south, thanks to the west, thanks to the east.
Or when you go to church, Catholic church, and you say, peace be upon you, peace be upon you.
We here, we give thanks, thank you, God.
Just praising.
Because that's the key to happiness, really.
To be sitting there and saying the grass is greener and always worried about what the other guy has and how you got ripped off, which is a lot of what that thing is, the talk, where black people tell their kids that life sucks and cops are going to get them.
That's an attitude where you'll never be happy.
You'll never be satisfied.
But to stop and take a look and go, I have my health.
I don't have cancer.
I mean, my list is huge, but your list is almost as big as mine.
Unless you have more kids than me, then you have more to be thankful for than I do.
But that's a really healthy lifestyle, and I think God implanted that seed.
I think it's a Mother Nature, if that's easier for you atheists to comprehend.
Mother Nature planted this seed in us that says, make sure that the ones who are grateful and thankful have endorphins released and are happier, because that's what I'm trying to design.
I want to make greed and envy and rage and bitterness.
I'm going to make those all vices.
So don't reward those people with endorphins.
Make them miserable.
And liberals are miserable.
They're cat ladies.
These people who are telling you that Thanksgiving is anti-Indian, those people are not happy people.
They're evil.
No, I don't like that word evil.
But they're infected, I think is a better way of putting it.
Like feminists, I love women.
I think they're magical.
They're sentient beings.
They can create life.
I love everything that makes them unique.
But when you infect them with feminism and say, kids are evil, you know, Lauren Southern just did a video where she went around and she was interviewing people saying, would you rather have cats or kids?
All of them said cats.
Would you rather have marriage or Netflix?
All of them said Netflix.
Those aren't evil people.
Those aren't stupid people.
Those are infected people who have been infected with a virus called liberalism where they think there's more joy from cleaning up dog shit than there is hearing a kid tell you his crazy theories or saying things like my son who wants to cut his head off so he can be a ghost because he heard ghosts can fly.
That's why I love Thanksgiving, which brings me to my next point about peace and the Indians and the pilgrims coming together.
Your parents, your uncles, your brothers, they're all mental cases and there's a lot of emotion at these gatherings.
There's a lot of boos going on too, which increases the volume quite a bit.
And unless you're Italian, there's probably going to be a fight at this table.
And I'm very guilty of this.
I am always trying not to fight with my folks, with my in-laws, with my brother and I don't have to not fight.
It's easy.
He can beat the crap out of me.
I beat him up his whole life.
I turned him into Ewan McGregor.
If I punch him, he just puts his fist through my chest.
I have to go to the hospital.
So I don't punch him.
It's like a cellmate who's eight feet tall.
But I'm not the master at this.
So do as I say, not as I do.
But I think it's really important to sort of inhale and exhale and remember the big picture.
And the big picture is that family is for life.
And you really got to avoid it.
And I don't know.
I'm sexist.
And I find women are more self-indulgent than this, than us.
So they'll often just sort of be having a few wines.
And again, women can't hold their booze.
And they'll just go, oh, fucking Trump.
So he's just back this pedophile, you know.
You've got a six-year-old running the country.
It's so embarrassing.
He's going to start a nuclear war with Kim Jong-un.
And you want to just go, first of all, there's no evidence on that Jeremy Ross guy.
Kim Jong-un needs a kick in the ass.
He's going to murder his people any day now.
And he's testing nuclear warheads.
So we don't want to tiptoe around him.
We want to punch him in the face.
And third, what are you talking about a six-year-old?
Have you ever built a building in New York City?
It's not easy.
You can't have Down syndrome and build a building.
You've got to deal with a lot of people.
It takes a lot of balls.
I've renovated a store in New York City.
And it was a nightmare.
And it took intense hustling.
I ran a, Vice used to have retail stores in New York City.
And that was part of my job.
Running around dealing with that.
Even shoplifters alone was a massive chore.
And took tons of work and security.
And of course, you have to worry about being politically correct when you start making rules.
About who can come in in a group of 20.
Trump's lived it.
So he's not crazy.
And he's not an infant.
Stop saying that with mail.
But you don't want to say that.
Okay?
Because now you've got beef with her.
And you have to be the better man.
Because men are better.
And you have to go.
What I like to do is.
And again, I'm sorry to talk down to you.
You're probably way older than me and have way more experience.
But it's my job.
Okay?
To come up with theories.
And my theory is that the best way to handle this is to be interrogative.
And don't say, I'm the biggest Trump lover you'll ever meet.
I do that, by the way.
In New York, if I'm at a table, everyone assumes they hate Trump.
And it's not Thanksgiving, so I don't care if you like me or not.
I'm Larry David.
At most dinners.
I just I just say you're talking to probably the number one Trump guy in America like Steve Bannon probably has more problems with Trump than me I am fire-breathing Trump loyalist to the core.
And I just get that out of the way so we don't have to pussyfoot around anymore.
But I don't think you should do that at Thanksgiving.
I think at Thanksgiving, you have to go, yeah, yeah, I see what you're saying.
I see what you're saying.
But there has been a lot of jobs, have there not?
Question mark.
There's been what, like 800,000 jobs?
I don't know.
Or they go, Trump's an idiot.
He's got no experience.
Yeah, I don't know if experience is a good thing.
It's sort of like the mob, I mean, or boss tweet in gangs of New York.
You know, it's so entrenched in corruption and lobbyist power that I kind of like the idea of an outsider.
What's so great about being presidential?
Or I say, I kind of like it.
He's kind of like a bull in a china shop, and I don't like the china shop.
Or he's like Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack.
He's obtuse and crass, but who's your favorite character in Caddyshack?
You like the Ted Knight guy?
Ted Knight is presidential.
I don't like him.
Or Anthony Cumia, his angle is, yeah, he's a lunatic.
He's an idiot.
He's a clown.
I love it.
That kind of throws people off.
That's not my angle, by the way, but it is a good angle.
And you have to throw them a bone.
You know, Jordan Peterson talks about cooperating and how he's checked out colonies of rats, and they find that rats will let the other rat win during playtime.
I know, I didn't know rats played either.
But the ones that let the other guy win, like a third of the time, end up with better relationships with other rats.
You have to let the other team win.
You know, one bone I like to throw them is, meh, Al Franken, doesn't seem so bad.
He did a jokey picture.
He wrote a sketch where he made out with a chick.
She could have said no.
I don't know.
It doesn't seem like a big deal.
Grabby.
He grabbed Ariana Huffington.
I don't know.
Did she mind?
Did we talk to her yet?
That's an angle I'll give them.
Because I really want you to retain your relationships.
And I think you should go right up to lying.
Like a lot of my friends are proud boys, and their sisters have X'd them.
And maybe go, yeah, I don't know.
It seemed like a fun idea, but this isn't lying.
I wouldn't want to stay involved if they went radical right or something.
Now, you're not implying proud boys are alt-right.
You're saying if that were to happen, then I would quit.
That's better than saying, they're not alt-right?
Will you shut up about that?
You believe every little rumor you hear on Facebook?
No, that's negative.
And believe me, I'm the worst at that.
I snapped.
Last time my parents were here, my dad's an atheist, and he constantly berates me for being a Catholic.
And it gets tiring after a while.
After, say, two hours of being told that bringing your children to church is child abuse, you tend to snap.
And so I just grabbed the glass I had and went and hurled it at the sink, which shattered into a thousand pieces.
And then I stormed upstairs and went to bed.
He's done the same where he's stormed to bed, nude, screaming at me.
So I'm not a samurai when it comes to avoiding fights.
But I just know that family is more important than anything and family lasts forever.
And how heartbreaking is it that we've let these liberals shatter our relationships with our siblings?
I don't know how many brothers and sisters are not speaking anymore because of misinformation about Trump.
It's not that, look, I became a Nazi, I follow Hitler, and my sister doesn't approve.
That, there's an argument there.
But this is a rumor that a guy might be like Hitler, based on nothing.
Like Mike Pence, he wants to electrocute gays.
No, he never said that.
He said if a state wants to encourage gays who have AIDS from having 10,000 lovers, the state's propaganda is allowed to encourage those patients to maybe take it easy on the multiple sex partners.
And I think he said he doesn't care if a state uses electroshock therapy, which I believe they still use.
That's all he said.
He didn't say, electrocute the gays.
Unbelievable.
IQ was up.
IQ was down.
So I feel like a lot of us are Trumpers, not in a Trump, it's like lovers in a dangerous time, Bruce Coburn.
I feel like we're Trumpers in a Hillary time.
And I'm talking to you guys, because if you're a Trumper in a Trump time, Thanksgiving must just be like an orgy.
It must just be a constant orgasm.
You're lucky, you southerners.
You're hanging out, talking about guns, not one liberal at the table.
You guys obviously don't need advice.
You don't need anyone talking.
You're not watching this right now because you're hanging out with your awesome, fun family.
And by the way, let's cut the crap.
We know that liberals are less intolerant than right-wingers.
You know that at a right-wing table with two liberals, they're going to be gentle with them and maybe rib them a little bit.
If you're at a table with all liberals and two Trumpers, you know that they're dead meat.
I was at a family reunion thing, and I knew that a cousin there was a Trumper, but we were told no talking about Trump, no politics.
We had decided to avoid politics altogether.
Why?
Because it was clear that the liberals would have temper tantrums.
Not that the Trumpers would have temper tantrums.
So it was like, let's not bring it up.
But he had just won, and I'm telling you, being a Trump supporter in New York City, I've said this many times, is like being a homosexual in 1950 in Middle America.
Like you have to, I heard that gays and lesbians would go on double dates, and there'd be a gay and his female friend, and the lesbian with her gay friend, and they would be like, hi, this is my girlfriend.
Well, I love you, lesbian.
And then they'd go to the bar, they'd face each other, and then the gays would play footsies, and the liberals, the liberals, the lesbians, same thing, would play footsies with each other, and then they would leave, you know, as male and female couples.
That was fun, non-gays.
That's how we have to act, if we don't want a major fight.
Sometimes we do want to fight.
Actually, most of the time, we're happy to fight.
But at this particular family gathering, I saw the cousin and he said something about the free market and how corporate tax is too high.
And I sort of went, it was like I was gay in 1950, and I saw another guy go, oh, I love your shoes.
And I just sort of went, oh, he likes women's shoes, does he?
So he threw the bone.
So we're going to have bandanas in the back of our pants that sort of say, Hey, I like Trump, red bandana.
That's a gay joke.
Gays have various bandanas to indicate like they're a top or a bottom or they like this disgusting sexual fetish.
I like to suck toes.
That's a blue bandana.
So I'm looking at him and I sort of make eyes and I go, yeah, I mean, big business and big government, big business is lesser of two evils in many ways.
And he's like, hmm.
And we sort of slinked to one side of the party.
It was a big party.
And I said, so how about that new president, huh?
And he just sort of goes, yes.
And then I'm sort of like, I walk down the street and I can't believe it.
I walk down the street.
I go, I can't believe Trump is president.
Everything seems better.
The leaves on the trees look greener.
And I go, I'm going on a beer run.
You want to come?
Yeah, I do.
Then we get in the car, slam, slam.
Oh, my God, the Dow is up to 800,000 jobs.
And the culture, it's all about the culture.
Politics is downstream from the culture.
And the culture now is I'm not ashamed of myself anymore.
I love this country.
I love this culture.
I love everything about this place.
Come on in if you want to be one of us.
And if you don't, get the hell out.
We buy the beer and then we come back in.
And then just like two gays who had had sex in an alleyway, we both just sort of walk away from each other when we come back to the party like, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, mm-hmm.
That's who I'm talking to on today's episode.
The ones that have to hide.
The ones that are red-pilled, the realists.
Like Joy Villa, who I was with at Restoration Weekend.
We were talking over beers and we said, you know, I'm at the point now where I just think facts are radical, revolutionary, shocking, dangerous.
And I feel like I can go to the left and they're so far gone that I can just go, okay, you want to live in an America where cops don't hunt black people for sport?
Okay.
Done.
You want to live in an America where women get equal pay for equal work?
Okay, here we go.
I'm a genie.
And then we came up with this brilliant idea.
I'm probably going to shoot it as a sketch.
I'm ruining the surprise now, but you just make a cardboard box and you pretend it's a special like Doctor Who phone booth and you're going to teleport them to the utopia of their dreams.
Oh, I know how we got there too.
She was talking about this black separatist she met who wants to have a world where just blacks are.
Like Professor Griff from Public Enemy talks about this too, like an Israel for blacks, even though there's plenty of blacks and Muslims and everything in Israel.
But it's an Israel for blacks, and it's like seven or eight states.
And she said to him, okay, can I come in?
I'm half black.
And he says, yeah, okay.
I mean, you're seen as black, so you're black.
Okay.
And then she goes, what about my husband?
He's white.
Can he come in?
Yeah, he likes whites.
So he's part of it.
Oh, okay.
So people who aren't racist can come in.
Yeah, I mean, people who appreciate it can come in.
Oh, okay.
So you just described America.
The only people who've excluded are like the 1,000 bona fide racists who already live in the mountains somewhere.
They've already been banished up there out of our sight.
So for all intents and purposes, we're living in the utopia you just described.
And I said, I want to take that guy, hear about his utopia, put him in a cardboard box, and then just sort of shake it a bit.
We're going through some turbulence.
And then go, we're almost there.
It's been millions of light years away.
And then open up the cardboard box and go, welcome to a non-racist, non-sexist, non-homophobic, non-transphobic America.
I'm magic.
Maybe throw some sprinkles at them, some glitter.
There we are.
That's who we're up against.
We're up against the same ones.
All right, let's start looking around my dining room, shall we?
I feel like you're my only guest here for Thanksgiving.
I should show you around a little bit.
So here's a fun painting we have up in the dining room.
I think it's the Battle of Fort DeQuesne.
There's also, about three years earlier, that was what, 1758, the Battle of Fort DeQuesne, there was the Battle of Mananghala, I believe it was called in 55, 1755.
But they were all the same back then.
The French and Indian Wars, the French and the Indians fighting the English.
That was really going on for centuries.
How long were the Indian Wars?
400 years?
So I don't think it's really important whether this was Manon, Gehela, or Duquesne.
It's just yet another example of the French and the Indians using guerrilla warfare to win against the English.
But let's say it's Fort Duquesne, because it's inseparable really from the previous battle.
You know who was here with the Brits?
George Dubbs.
A very experienced, probably 20-something George Washington was fighting with the British.
And in both battles, what happened was they marched for days.
There was like 850 people.
So this is Dequesne, sorry.
There was about 850 English troops that walked for, I don't know, 100 miles.
And that's not just soldiers, that's women sewing and cooks and musicians and tent repairers, like a whole society was marching to Dequesne because they wanted to take it down and run it.
It was sort of a real seminal trading post, I think.
Remember, everything you hear from me, by the way, look up.
But it was a seminal fort, and I think it took them six years to take it over.
The English eventually won.
But their plan was to march all the way to DeQuesne, which is in Pittsburgh.
It was before it was Pittsburgh, Ohio, and take it over.
So they made it there.
They had totally underestimated the French troops.
And you know what some of these French guys did?
I forget this guy's exact name.
Some sort of Frenchy name.
The Indians, they're happy to help, right?
And if there's money in it, yeah, I'll go fight the English.
Sure.
They annoy me, the Indians say.
But this particular battle, they said, 850 people, not in the mood.
You do it.
We're not going.
So these French lieutenants, these French soldiers, the troops, he would rip his shirt off and cover his face in war paint and, you know, make his hair into braids and say, Je sui avec vous, en va é casé les anglés, hon y voi.
And the Indians went, oh, that's cool.
You like how the way I make learning fun, by the way, by adding funny voices?
And the Indians would feel impressed.
They'd feel appreciate the camaraderie of these French soldiers dressing up like them.
And so that's what was used here to rally the troops to go fight the English.
But, you know, the English, and one of the reasons I love this painting so much too, is it shows that when you go the traditionalist way and you don't innovate, you don't get a 2.0.
You know, Christianity has a 2.0 and Islam stuck in the past.
You screw up.
And you have to know your enemy.
Look, I'm a traditionalist in every sense of the world.
I think nothing's more important than family.
But if someone is playing dirty, play dirty.
If they go low, go lower.
I don't like this thing about conservatives where they, oh, I didn't swear.
Oh, Rush Limbaugh called Sandra Fluck a slut.
Ew, no, no.
We don't do that.
We don't stoop to such levels.
Well, you just lost the war.
And by the way, England, you lost America by sticking to your, hut, hut!
And then March 2.
That's dumb.
So anyway, they were sort of in this long phalanx convoy, and they're marching there, expecting the Indians and the French to go, okay, I'm ready for our killing party.
Oh, I got shot.
No, we're not doing that.
I'm not playing that game.
It's like Alan Froyer at the New York Times said to me, you know, when these people attack you at college campuses, it would be very noble of you just to take the beating.
And you could be like a freedom rider in the civil rights.
And I go, no, I'm not doing that.
Thanks.
You can do that, but I'm not doing that.
I'm going to punch back.
So what happens is they get ambushed by these people in the woods, the Indians and the French, and they're trying to retreat.
But then as they're retreating, the English are confused by their own troops, and there's gunfire everywhere.
They're in a complete panic.
So they start shooting at each other as well as the Indians.
It's just a complete slaughter.
And I can't help but think, this is when George Washington said, yeah, I don't like the English.
I don't like fighting under them.
I like what these French and Indians are doing by assimilating with the Indians, working with them.
I want to work with them too, and the French.
Let's all band together and destroy the English and become an independent country.
So my Indian relatives on my wife's side, when we have them over, they go, that painting is a little intense, isn't it?
And they go, I don't see that.
Like when I see, what's his name, Baquette?
Battok?
When I see this seminal English general being shot in the chest, he died soon after.
I think actually they stole him and kidnapped him and tortured him to death.
When I see these English dying, even as an Englishman, I think this is a really inspiring picture.
I like it.
It said, yeah, we're not doing it your way.
I'm going to win, and I'm going to win at all costs.
And I think that's this mentality that created America in the first place.
So I'd like a toast to the French and the Indians who murdered the English at Fort DeQuesne.
And I do it every Thanksgiving.
So this is my dining room.
My house is about 100 years old, and it's got these shelves in it.
And when I was buying, I go, what's the little groove here?
What's this about?
And they go, oh, it's for showing off plates.
Apparently in the early 1900s, plates were a big deal.
So I said, okay, when in Rome, I'll get some plates.
So I thought, what better theme than presidents?
And here we have all the presidents that are up to, let's say, Lyndon Johnson, I guess.
There was dozens of them.
They had beards and funny mustaches.
One of them was named after that cad who hates Mondays, Garfield, the lasagna lover.
So that's fun.
And moving right along here, we've got Thomas Jefferson, who wrote the Constitution when he was a millennial.
And I bet he said some racist stuff.
You know, all these smart guys said terrible things at some point back then.
He's the guy who came with the whole Second Amendment, I believe, and the First Amendment.
Those are my two favorites.
So he's in a nice spot.
This is some other guy with a big mustache.
They had a lot of kids back then, as you can see.
He's probably got about five.
Then there was the speed addict, JFK.
He was injected with speed.
He was a speed addict, amphetamines.
And I think they didn't tell him at first.
And then later they go, by the way, we've been injecting you with mess.
And he said, I don't care if it's horse piss.
Makes me feel great.
Keep doing it.
He got to have sex with Marilyn Monroe, who I don't, I think she was overrated.
She's not, I like features, you know?
What was his name?
Oscar Wilde said, ugly.
Pretty is pretty, but only ugly can be beautiful.
Marilyn Monroe was pretty.
Sophia Loren, she was like beautiful.
This is Bill Clinton.
This is an interesting plate, believe it or not.
I had a hell of a time getting this.
On eBay, most of these plates are a buck.
This cost me $10, and I had to buy Hillary's book, It Takes a Village.
Oh, it took a whole village of maids and nannies to raise a child.
And here's my theory on that.
Collecting presidential plates is an old lady gig, and I think old ladies hate Bill Clinton because they know that he was a womanizer.
They've forgiven JFK for some reason.
Well, womanizing and raping, I guess, are two different things.
So you'll notice when you go on eBay and you try to find plates, you have to buy a Hillary book and a bunch of other crap to get a Bill Clinton plate included.
And here's just my little shelf of favorite plates.
I've got Travis Millard made this when he stole my idea for Pancake Morning.
This is my mom got this.
My mom's Scottish and Scottish people are cheap, so she probably got it at a garage sale for $2.
There's some Indian guy.
Oh, no, that's Crazy Horse.
Crazy Horse.
One of my top Indian guys.
This is a great one.
It's Norman Rockwell.
Free speech is the plate.
And it's some local villager, you know, getting up at a town hall meeting and giving his two cents about the local schools.
Then there's Nixon.
Nixon plates are cheap.
I like Nixon.
I like that Roger Stone has a back tattoo of Richard Nixon.
So we got a lot of Nixon here for some reason.
This guy, Lyndon B. Johnson, we've already shown him, Ted Kennedy.
You're going to see a lot of repeats.
This is the Saint of presidents, Saint Presidente, who is what the name comes from, and also the beer.
And he was the president of his small town near Bethlehem, and he sort of came up with the whole idea.
Moving down the line, we have some lump of crap that my kid made.
Oops.
And then we've got some more presidents tucked away.
They're hiding.
Who's this little...
This was Eleanor Roosevelt's husband.
And he rode in airplanes, and he was in a bunch of wars and stuff.
I'm Canadian in English, so there may be others who have a little more historical knowledge.
Then there's this guy, Andrew Jackson.
Ooh, he's the guy with the sticks that would beat the crap out of everyone.
He may have even come up with the saying, walk softly and carry a big stick.
I believe he was responsible for the Trail of Tears too.
In Andrew Jackson's defense, it was a violent time back then.
And I think he said to the Indians, look, do you want to assimilate?
And they said, nope.
And he said, okay, well, now then you're foreigners in a foreign land.
And they said, fine, we're not Americans.
We don't identify as Americans.
And he went, all right, well, then I'm going to have to treat you as invaders and kick your ass.
I'm not justifying the horrible card inch he did, but he did sort of lay it out for them.
I wish someone would say that to our modern American-hating refugees.
Love it or leave it, I think is what Andrew Jackson was saying.
And by the way, I was reading Glad Beck's writing about a wounded knee, I think it was, where Indians were shot in the back.
I thought, he didn't say this, but I thought it was interesting.
Why do we know about this horrible catastrophe?
Because Americans documented it.
Americans are disgusted by that, not just Indians.
And they wrote it all out.
And they've been calling for, those guys all won medals, by the way.
I don't know, what, Purple Hearts or something?
They've been calling for those medals to be revoked for a long time.
White people, brown people, Asian people, American people of all races documented that horrible catastrophe and want that wrong to be righted.
So to say it's just an example of how white people are evil is a remarkably reductivist argument.
And finally, you'll notice I don't have a Donald Trump plate.
That's because I don't think he's going to be around for a while.
It's only a matter of time before he's impeached.
And then Mike Pence will be president, and then he'll be assassinated, and then it'll be Rand Paul, and then he'll quit, and then Hillary will be president.
I read this on CNN, Sauden Newsweek.
He's not going to make it to the fourth term.
I remember in David Letterman, he said, let's just accept that we tried it and it didn't work, and it's time to move on.
Yeah, Dave, that's how it works.
People just sort of shrug and leave the podium.
George Washington again, Abe Lincoln.
This was a guy who was played by Daniel Day Lewis in a movie where they talked about his wiry hair.
He freed the slaves.
And I often say that the Civil War was not about slavery, even though if liberals are right and it is, then how about a big thank you for the 620,000 men that died ending slavery?
But I think it was just, it was him struggling to unite the union.
And I believe he said, if I could unite the union without freeing one slave, I would happily do it.
Then we got Ron Reagan in there, who everyone thought was a clown even while he was president.
And now everyone's looking back and going, that guy was pretty good.
In fact, he was kind of punk rock.
He said the difference, I don't like saying that the government spends like a drunken sailor because a drunken sailor is using his own money.
Him and Thatcher were good.
And then we got, of course, Barack Obama, who I stick in there as people walk in so they think that I don't totally hate liberals and we don't have an awkward dinner together.
Thank you all for coming.
Thank you for enjoying me on this Thanksgiving special.
And you may have noticed throughout the show that I've been telling you about life, telling you about history, telling you how to avoid problems, like I'm somehow better than you.
And I want to make it clear here that I am.
Okay?
You're lazy.
You do things like you look at a piano and you go, that looks cool.
I wish I could play.
But you don't take the time to learn the instrument.
I am superior to you.
I learn these instruments.
I master my crafts.
And so, without further to do, I'd like to play a goodbye song called, "I'm Better Than You." I'm better than you.
I'm better than you.
I learned to play piano.
▲
Export Selection