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Nov. 24, 2017 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:08:14
Get Off My Lawn Podcast #9 | How To Be Funny

Being funny is a delicate art form. One stutter or misplaced word and the joke is lost. I’s like a Fabregé Egg. The Thought Police are trying to tell us how we can joke around with each other and their rules are cracking our eggs. This podcast attempts to tape up these cracks by giving you a basic funny kit you can use with family, friends, and the people who serve you booze.  

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You want to know how to be funny?
I think you just be honest.
You, you, or for stand-up comedy, you come up with an original observation, like, uh, why is Beyonce advertising shampoo for blondes?
That's not her hair, and she can't get it wet.
Uh, something that no one's thought of before, you know?
That's really obvious.
And then, uh, you just be honest yourself about your observations.
Really, comedy being funny is just being brutally honest and then putting a little funny bow on it.
Like, that's what Seinfeld was.
That's what Larry David is.
It's just him being brutally honest and saying, I don't like that.
I think it's stupid.
Flip-flops, I don't want to see your toes.
That's amusing to people.
Louis C.K.
is a pervert, right?
But let's not deny that he's so funny.
I can do this too.
I can separate the man and the art.
He's so funny that when I watched his last special, this is before all the masturbating stuff blew up, I felt cool because this was my generation's comedian.
So I felt like I was better than Baby Boomers because they had Richard Pryor and Bill Hicks who were also great, but ours is way better.
That's how funny he is.
He makes you feel like you're wearing a leather jacket.
Carlos Menci on the other hand, I saw him do a stand-up recently and he was saying, you know, these immigrants coming here, they're doing jobs you don't wanna do.
You don't want to do those jobs.
You want to wash dishes.
That's a total cliche.
That is immigration 101.
It's just a bad observation.
Sorry, I'm updating my office software on my home computer while we talk.
That's not that's not funny.
And I would say I'm pretty darn funny.
I'm actually hilarious, but I'm bogged down in politics right now.
So I want to make this particular episode just about riffing.
And I'm going to tell you like 10 or 15 jokes I've been doing for, I don't know, 1,000 years.
Exaggerating is funny too.
That I think work.
And it's a good little staple.
Say you're not a funny person.
And I think 95% of you are not funny.
I think it's genetic.
Now there's people that can be amusing.
Ann Coulter's very funny, but she's even funnier at appreciating funniness.
So I've known people that aren't funny at all, but they laugh at great jokes.
Like Chloe Sevigny, for example, just to name drop.
She's not funny, but she laughs her head off at hilarious jokes.
So there's a spectrum of appreciation there.
But as far as being able to deliver, I don't know, man.
Some are just better at it.
And I've known a lot of comedians over the years.
I mean, that was kind of my career before I was outed as a right winger.
And I've hung out with these people.
Most of them are really good people.
You know, like Samantha Bee.
I hate her politics.
Her points make my skin crawl.
Like, she did this one thing on the Daily Show about teachers and how they're actually poor.
And we say that they get too much money and then she went to teachers' houses and they look like crap and they, you know, they didn't have a car and they were in a small apartment or something.
Yeah, because they're lazy.
You get four months off a year and Your apartment sucks?
You could have a whole other job.
Be like a cop.
They retire and they start a bar.
But, you know, many estimates have them down to 60 bucks an hour when you factor in the actual hours worked.
I think it could be even more than that when you think of all these presentations they have.
See?
I'm getting political and that's not funny.
But, uh, so her politics make my skin crawl.
Jason Jones is kind of bad too, but I feel like, you know, after some beers he gets a little more centrist than liberal.
But those two as parents are amazing, really great, awesome parents who adore their children and do a great job of raising them and are totally monogamous and aren't perverts or any of that and aren't depressing and they're fun and interesting and engaging.
David Cross, too.
That Make America Great Again tour, I couldn't even look at it because I knew it was going to piss me off.
But he donates quietly to charities and would never cheat, would never do any of that masturbation stuff.
I remember talking to Amber Tamblyn about the Trump pussy grabbing thing.
And I didn't say this because I thought of it later, but she was mad at me for liking him.
And I said, Amber, your husband is, David Cross, is probably the only guy in America who doesn't talk like that in buses.
And I've noticed it over the years.
We'd all be getting raunchy, telling dirty stories, and David would just go, meh, I'm out of here.
This isn't interesting.
So I know you hate a lot of these comedians, and a lot of them are depressed, but a lot of them are just awesome dudes.
Like Fred Armisen.
Great guy.
He was in trouble recently.
Fred's getting quite a reputation.
Yeah, he has sex with women because he's incredibly famous and successful and they want to sleep with him.
What's your beef?
That he's not marrying them?
So...
There's definitely a genetic trait.
Oh, let me just put in my password to update this and it is Bobby two thousand three four six go Yeah, so I'm already not funny out of the gate and it's look I'm being honest that's funny see I I had a, the reason I'm bringing up genetic traits is because I often dream jokes, and as Howard Stern points out, when you're dreaming you're not you, you're in a different consciousness, you're in a different dimension.
Comedy is sort of a complex myriad of electrical impulses in your brain.
And when those are skewed, you'll see something new and original, and it'll tick the right boxes, but the boxes are in the wrong order.
And what you think is the funniest thing in the world when you're dreaming, you'll wake up and go, pardonnez-moi?
Like, I was asleep, and I was thinking about this all night, and I honestly thought I have come up with the funniest concept, the funniest sentence in the world.
Now, I've already come up with the funniest sentence in the world, and it is, my only problem with breastfeeding- with women- oh, see, I already ruined it.
My only problem with women breastfeeding in public is that they never wink back.
Uh, but this I thought was even funnier than that.
So, I'm almost like spending the money I'm gonna make from this joke.
I guess it's gonna be a t-shirt and a bumper sticker and I'm gonna be in the history books as the guy who said the funniest thing of all time.
Actually, the funniest thing of all time...
I believe it was written by Dan Harmon.
It was on the Sarah Silverman Show.
She's also cool in person.
No, she's actually pretty depressed in person if she's not stoned, but she's a good person.
Dan Harmon wrote it for her show and Jay Johnson said it.
Jay Johnson is the guy who played the cop on Sarah Silverman's show.
He's maybe the funniest person in the world.
And he says, he's talking to someone and he's doing that whole like grizzled cop thing and he goes, as a cop.
I've seen things that would make you crap a book on how to puke.
I so badly want to write a book on how to puke.
I mean there are techniques.
You're gonna make a sound first.
You know if you're so hungover you're trying to get it up.
You gotta make sure your nose is above your mouth, and that's gonna make you think you're gonna hit the lid, but there is a sort of a degrees where you can make sure your nose, it doesn't go in your sinuses, but it also goes in the bowl.
Out of puke.
Sorry.
Before I get to this joke I dreamed, I have to tell you about Jay Johnson.
So he's, as Andy Dick called him, a legal giant.
He's about six foot a hundred, and his chin and his nose make him look like the McDonald's Half Moon guy.
Uh, and I hang out with him a lot if I'm in L.A.
The guy drinks like a fish.
Never drunk for work, though.
I don't want to imply he's an alcoholic or anything, but he likes his booze.
And we'd go to this room with other comedians and just riff, and they were way over my head.
Like, way better than me.
They did this joke once.
It was him and that guy, Dimitri Flopadopoulos, the guy who wrote for Mr. Show.
Dino.
And they were doing this joke about your arms being tired.
And it came from a Gilbert Gottfried riff where he said that, you know, he's been there for so many people.
It's something weird about him where he's always around.
Oh, installation was successful.
Where he's around people Their final moments, and it happens a lot, it's like a gift he has, and he said he was with Jimi Hendrix as he threw up, and he held him, and he said it was gonna be okay, and he was also coincidentally with Janis Joplin in her final moments, and he held her in his arms, and she was coughing up blood, and he kissed her on the forehead and said it's gonna be alright.
It's just something he does.
Anyway, I just got back from the Jim Jones massacre, and boy are my arms tired.
Oh fuck, I ruined it!
I just flew back!
I just flew back!
Anyway, that's a Gilbert Godfrey joke that I just massacred.
But they start going, um, I just flew back from a Transformers convention, and boy are my arms tires.
And then they kept doing them.
Like, uh, George Bush just flew back from checking out the damage of Katrina, and boy are his farms mired.
This went on and on for I'm gonna say five hours and half the time when people are joking and laughing and saying good one the other people are staring at the desk stroking their chin trying to come up with a different arms tired.
Where am I?
I just came back from a pedophilia fisting convention and man am I tired of my arms in boys or something like that.
It got really convoluted and dark.
But um, that's Jay.
And I've been on vacation with him a few times and he makes fun of me because I'm cheap, because I'm Scottish.
It's a genetic trait.
And at one point he was opening the door for me.
You know how you run out to the back deck?
We'd rent a house like in Jamaica or something and all of us would go there.
And he's sort of opening the door the way you do when you go out back and you sort of push the door behind you so the other guy can get out so you don't slam the door in his face.
But it's a wobbly old house so it got stuck.
And I couldn't get out.
It was just, I had to sort of pull it over the stones and he goes, sorry, I'm cheap too.
Or when we picked him up at the airport, this was in St.
Martin, we picked him up at the airport and it's everything in the Caribbean is designed by imbeciles.
So getting out of an airport is like getting out of a Lego maze.
It takes forever because nothing they do makes any sense.
It's been devastated by the hurricane.
I don't see it being rebuilt ever.
It's nothing they do makes any sense.
So I'm going I can't believe this Jay.
I can't get out of here We just we're going in circles, and I'm getting confused and he goes yeah actually this city planning was done by a famous architect His name was Williard Millard.
He was also known to his friends as Willy Nilly All right, so that's my That's my J Johnson update and my long comedian friends name dropping tangent, but to go back to my dream So I dreamt this thing and I thought I got it and I was telling my brain like brain This is brilliant.
Don't let it go the second Gavin wakes up.
I want you to write this down and It was you ready for this most hilarious thing ever it was Uh, how many people want money?
That's the question.
And the answer is eight.
I don't understand.
That could not be less funny.
Let me just explain how bad this joke is.
Everyone wants money, but in my version of it, I only say eight do.
Makes absolutely no sense.
Not remotely funny or interesting or clever, or it doesn't even make sense.
Like it's something, it's a kind of joke my four-year-old would make.
It's on par with that.
In fact, I told him this story and I think he liked it.
He does knock-knock jokes like, knock-knock, who's there?
John.
John who?
Jonathan.
So, I had another dream last night though and I think this one might be better.
I can't even figure this one out.
I was like, how funny would it be if we did a video where it was called Sexy Dad and Son or Sexy Parent or something like that and it was me and my dad just being sexy to the camera.
Like you know when Phoebe Cates comes out of the pool in Fast Times at Ridgemont High and they show her emerging from the water with her hair and then she stares at the camera and she walks in slow motion?
My dad and I are ugly and skinny And I thought, wouldn't it be funny to see my dad coming out of the pool like that and staring at the camera?
And then me, like, lifting weights with my skinny arms?
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't... It depends how you would do it, but... I don't know if it would be funny.
Plus, the title... This is not a good time.
Thanks a lot, Joe Biden, for making every joke that involves erotica disgusting.
And thanks, Trannies, by the way.
Did you see that Tranny on my show the other day?
He comes back from the army and he goes, I want to be a chick with a dick.
But I still love you, wife, and I still want to be a dad to your kids, but now I want to be a mom.
So now the kids have two moms.
But he's kind of a tomboy, so he'll just have a sweatshirt on and a baseball hat.
And a penis and sort of boobs because he's taking estrogen, but not really like the smallest boobs in America and you go Can't you just I don't know like you shave your pubes and have your wife take a few Pictures of you privately and store them in a safe and no one has to hear about it including the kids.
Can't you do that?
I mean, he had nail polish on, but people are so effeminate now, that's even common.
Just being a feminine man, I guess.
Anyway.
So that joke might be funny.
But I'm gonna go through a bunch of these jokes.
I can hear someone coming upstairs, that's not good.
God, you know who texted me recently?
Gavin Watson.
He's the guy in the 80s who took lots of pictures of punks and skins.
Skinheads.
The good kind, not the bad kind.
And the bad kind, too, I guess.
But, uh, it was... He's... We follow the same stuff, and he said, I'll give you a print if you want.
It's fun being famous sometimes.
Um, alright.
Jokes I've done forever.
I've been writing them down over the course of many months.
Is someone up here?
What are you doing?
Getting something to make a strike zone.
Oh, getting something to make a strike zone.
There's already a strike zone thing on your pitching machine.
That's a perfect strike zone.
Just take that into the garage or the driveway.
What do you mean, uh-huh?
Don't backtalk me, boy!
Kids today, huh?
Always making strike zones.
Alright, now these jokes are jokes you can use that are not particularly funny.
They're just mildly amusing.
Oh, I just did one last night actually you can have.
My wife stayed home and I took the kids out for dinner and I went to the waitress and there's four of us, right?
My son is four, my kids are 11 and 9 and I'm 47.
And we went to the We went to the waitress and she goes, oh, how many?
I go, oh, we're four.
And then she sits us down and she's handing the menus and I go, yeah, I may have misled you earlier.
What I meant to say was there's four of us, but obviously we're not four.
I mean, I'm 47.
He's four, but none of the other people here are four.
Now, the thing about waitress jokes, and I've heard people criticize those of us in the amusing waitress community, and they say, look, it's a captive audience, dude.
You're not allowed to joke with waitresses.
It's like having sex in prison.
If a female guard, a CO, has sex with a prisoner, and they're madly in love, that's still rape.
Because he can't say yes or no.
He can't complain.
If she says that it's rape, it is.
So it's rape.
Because she's in a position of absolute power and he lives in her cage.
So he's a human pet, according to the law.
And you can't have sex with your pets.
So, similarly, the waitress is a captive audience and she has to laugh or she's going to lose money.
But I don't think that's, that doesn't mean that my jokes aren't funny.
It might mean it's joke rape, I guess.
All right, so that's one.
Pretend that you have to be clear, and I do a lot of waitress jokes.
Like another one I like to do is if it's a really good meal, and I've cleaned the plate so clean they could just put it back on the shelves without washing it, I always say, yeah, I'm sorry, I can't finish this.
Maybe tell the chef this is something I'll write about.
Now, I know this, I'm not trying to say that I'm hilarious and here's examples.
I'm trying to say these jokes I've tried a million times, probably a million times, and they tend to do pretty good.
So you can just have them as little staples.
Like say you're on a date and you're a doctor.
Doctors aren't funny.
And you want to show her that you're not always this boring.
Just throw that one in.
We get a lot with bartenders over the years.
Like, uh, The obvious one is, uh, you know, if you, if you notice your makers, you just pounded it.
You, you, the bartender comes by and you could say, yeah, hi, uh, I had ordered a maker's mark.
I think there's a leak in this or something because there's just ice here now.
I don't know if you want to change the glass or what's going on.
And they always go with it cause they've heard it a hundred times.
Like, oh, that's strange.
Okay, well let me try refilling it and just see if that happens again.
That's, that's unusual.
Okay.
Or, uh, Or if you just pound your beer and it's been five minutes and the bartender comes back, you go, yeah, I'm sorry to bother you.
I ordered a Budweiser, but I ordered a full Budweiser.
This is completely empty, so I don't know what happened there.
I assume it would have felt lighter.
You've got to commit to bits, right?
So you pretend you really believe that.
Sometimes people won't get your joke.
And when that happens, you can't say, just kidding.
I'm sorry.
You have to keep going.
Maybe throw in aliens or something so they eventually get that you're not serious.
But saying, no I'm just joking, that's a sin.
That's like laughing during sex.
Or making a joke during sex.
There's two of the same thing in completely opposite contexts.
You have to stay in character.
Never goof around during sex, okay?
You're damn serious.
Anything could happen.
My wife's hair could fall off, she could be bald, and I'd say, well, we'll deal with that when we're done.
We'll go to the wig store, I guess, after this and clean up the mess.
Like, for example, one time I was at a home warming at James O'Keefe's house, and you can use this joke, too.
This is another good one.
And, uh, oh, that just reminds me of another one.
Okay.
So I met James O'Keefe's new apartment.
Beautiful.
He's doing well for himself.
I think he's since moved from this place.
This was in Jersey.
And, uh, James goes, oh, hi, this is Mark or whatever.
Yeah, he was, he's my best friend, which I hate when people say that.
It's so gay.
My best friend.
James is a little on the spectrum.
I love the guy to death.
Love him more than a friend.
But sometimes he says things that are a little nerdy, a little doctor-y.
But that's why he has this incredible ability to concentrate and focus on the task at hand, which is exposing the media.
He's got a new book out, by the way, American Pravda.
Not bananas about the title, but it's basically about how the media is completely corrupt and biased.
So anyway.
James introduces me to his best friend, and he goes, hey, this is my best friend, Mark.
And I go, oh, yeah.
Oh, this is awkward.
And Mark goes, why?
And I go, because actually, I am James' best friend.
And then instead of him laughing, he goes, no, you're not.
And then I do my sad face, and I go, yeah, actually, I am.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, I should have told you.
And he goes, he's not getting the joke.
It's like when Robert Spencer believed me that my tattoos are holocaust denial tattoos.
He goes, um, I went to high school with James.
What high school did you go to?
And I go, look, I don't want to start a fight, but, uh, we, um, just because you went to high school with him doesn't mean he's your best friend.
I mean, he's moved on and I feel like I should have told you, he should have told you.
He's still not getting the joke and he's getting kind of angry.
So then I have to ramp it up and go, and to be frank, I think it might go beyond best friend soon.
It may start getting a little gay.
It may get sexual.
I don't know for sure, but that's the vibe I get.
He's been wearing Speedos to bed.
And usually that's me bringing in the aliens, like making it so crazy that you have to tune in.
And then he just sort of looked at me like I was a crazy gay person and walked away.
But that reminded me of another one I like to do.
This one makes people really mad.
I'm not sure you'd call it a joke per se, but you tell them they're pronouncing their name wrong.
Like Steven Crowder's dad is named Darren.
And I always know Darren as E-N, but he spells it D-A-R-R-I-N.
And I'm like, I met his dad once and I go, yeah, I heard you spelled your name wrong.
And he goes, uh, no, it's D-A-R-I-N.
And I go, mmm, yeah, no, no, it's E-N.
And he goes, I think I know how to spell my name.
And I go, yeah, I think you would, too.
Uh, but you don't.
And that's confusing.
And he goes, it's not confusing at all.
I'm spelling my name right.
Or, like, say someone has a slightly weird name, like, like, uh, uh, Gabrielle.
And you go, uh, they'll go, hi, I'm Gabrielle.
And you go, yeah, actually, it's Gabrielle.
And they go, no, it's Gabrielle.
Thanks.
No, it's a French name.
It's Gabrielle.
That's more a joke you do to amuse yourself.
So there's another one you can use if you want to just be annoying.
It's fun to be annoying.
That one you can't say, just kidding though.
So now you're stuck usually with an enemy.
Sometimes I'll do it, I'll introduce myself and do something that abrasive right out of the gate and then we'll never get over it and people will always, I'll never be friends with that person.
I think that's sometimes a good thing to do though.
I like to save time when you meet new people and say something weird.
My daughter does this too.
Say something weird right out of the gate and then if they have a problem with weirdness, they don't like you and we don't waste any time.
So I say something offensive or extreme right out of the gate, like right in the hellos.
And then they go, all right, this guy says weird stuff.
I don't like those kind of jokes.
Let's not waste our time here.
It's like speed dating.
Other bar jokes we used to do is, this is a little advanced.
I don't know if you want to get this advanced.
This is way better than the leaky glass.
But we would come in and we'd say to the bartender, we'd pretend that the drinks had been talking shit about us and we're here to punish them by drinking them all.
And so we'd go in the bar and we'd go, hi, I'm sort of bothered you, but my understanding is that some of the makers, Mark, was laughing at us and saying that we're quote-unquote bitches.
I'd like to pour me a glass, please.
I think we're going to show them who's boss.
That one was kind of funny the first time, but after the 70th time, it got really good.
That was at a bar called Blue in Brooklyn, where the owner was this Asian woman.
It's gone now, I think it's a liquor store.
And she had cameras all over the bar.
And we used to joke about her sitting at home eating Haagen-Dazs, watching us at the bar, and commenting on the videos, like she's eating rice and going, well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in.
Cheech and Chong.
And just following us and laughing at our drinks, and she could hear us.
Anyway, that's a different kind of humor, and we're not doing that now.
We're doing jokes that I've been doing forever.
Here's another one I like.
When someone says retired, I pretend I heard the word retarded.
And so they'll say, yeah, so my, both my parents are in Florida.
Like my dad retired, my dad has been retired for like four years.
And you go, wait, what?
Your dad's retarded?
And they'll go, no, retired.
You pretend to do this a few times.
I do it with my dad all the time and he gets annoyed.
Actually someone made me a t-shirt and it has a guy sleeping in a hammock with his arms crossed and it says across the top it says don't ask me to do anything and then below it it says I'm retarded.
And if I wear it, no one reads it, like they just see the word retired.
I believe it's called perceptual blindness.
They say that when the Indians saw the first boats coming in from Spain or whatever, their brains couldn't process that a giant house was on water, so they would just see a clear horizon.
Their brain would just go, sorry, not seeing that.
Here's another one I like to do.
When you see someone who is nine months pregnant, and they're just about to pop you say uh hi sorry uh i used i've noticed all these start with the same sort of yeah sorry uh like the guy in office space he goes yeah i guess that's the guy i do that's the sorry guy uh so i got up to pregnant woman and i go uh hey sorry i used to have that exact same problem but i switched to bud light and it just goes away it just It's Guinness that's doing it.
Guinness is the problem.
By the way, Guinness has less calories than Bud, but the common perception is that stout makes you fat, so I like to say that and pretend I think it's a beer belly.
Always gets a laugh.
Always.
I think women who are eight and a half months pregnant are sick of being babied all the time, and for someone to do a slightly edgy joke, it's a relief for them.
I've even tried that one on an Indian woman who was working at an electronics store who barely spoke English.
And she liked it.
Although Indians are very good at assimilating to our... They're one of the only immigrants who instantly get our humor.
Maybe that's because of the British colonization.
But you can riff with Indians.
Easy.
No matter how apu their accent is, they get riffs.
Doctors, no.
One time though, oh my god.
I have these events in my life where I'll just be in the car and I'll remember it and I'll just go, thank God I didn't do that.
But this was one of them.
I was at a little league thing, and there was a woman there, and she was wearing a tiny tennis skirt.
She was my age, 47.
And she had normal-sized breasts and this huge gut.
And I thought, oh, she's eight months pregnant.
And I thought I should do my Guinness joke.
This is always a good icebreaker.
And the reason I thought she was pregnant is because she's wearing a skimpy outfit.
So you wear skimpy, you don't wear skimpy when you're that big beer bellied.
You're kind of, as a woman, you're usually self-conscious about it.
But she was like, I'm sexy and pregnant.
OK, I got a good joke for you, lady.
And then I thought something in my head said, yeah, Gav, maybe wait a little bit because she's not eight and a half months.
She's like seven months, six months.
So maybe wait and get to hear her talk about her pregnancy, which would ruin the joke.
And slowly, as she stood in different positions and we talked, I realized that actually is a beer gut.
And I'm trying to ingratiate myself into the suburbs, too.
So I'm very, as Ezra Levant says, obsequious.
I was asking him, I go, you must be in a liberal community.
How do you survive with your neighbors?
Because I'm worried my neighbors hate me.
And he goes, oh, I'm obsequious.
I kiss their ass.
So I'm trying to ingratiate myself as much as possible.
And I don't want any fat jokes looming around.
And I didn't use the Guinness joke and it turns out she actually is fat and that probably is from Guinness and that tip would have been real.
Oops.
Okay, here's another great one.
Say you're, you know, at a kid's baseball game, speaking of Little League, and you've been talking to one of the dads and then he disappears, you know, maybe to go play with his daughter or something, and he comes back and he's been gone for like two hours.
You put your hands on your hips like a school mom, like the the chick from Facts of Life, And you go, where the hell have you been?
I've been worried sick about you.
I don't know whether to slap you or to hug you.
That one does well.
I think it's because it has the word slap you in it and then hug you.
It's got a bit of danger to it.
That's why people swear in humor and say offensive words.
It's a little electric shock to sort of wake you up and go, hey, I got a joke coming.
So slap you, the word slap sort of wakes them up.
And it's fun pretending to be their mom.
You know what else is fun speaking of that?
Disciplining other people's kids.
That cracks me up.
Hey, hey, Tommy, no, what are you doing?
What are you crazy?
And other parents like it, because they can tell you're kidding, but also the kids go, what the hell?
This was common in the 50s, 60s, and 70s, but it's not done anymore.
You can let your... Someone's kids can kill someone else, and you just sort of go, that's... Well, I guess the parents are gonna handle that.
But I like getting involved.
No, no, no, no, guys.
No TV.
That's enough TV.
Just turn off the TV.
They look at you like, what the hell?
Did you... Did someone hand over the keys to you?
I don't even know who you are.
You're my dad's drinking buddy.
Yeah.
And I'm calling the shots around here, pal.
Now get to bed.
That's amusing.
But yeah, you know that reminded me too, that one, that character that I'm doing when I go, I don't know whether to slap you or to hug you.
I used to date Nancy Wong a million years ago, and she told me, she had this thing she noticed where she goes, have you noticed how kids who grew up in Manhattan are way beyond their years, but in an annoying way?
They talk like adults.
And she had these examples, like she saw this five-year-old It was two school groups.
You know how they travel.
Sometimes they carry a rope so they don't get lost.
And they all wear the same shirt in Manhattan.
These two groups bump into each other.
And this girl puts her fists on her hips, the sort of way I do when I say, I don't know whether to slap you or hug you.
And she goes, Sandy!
I didn't know that was you!
These are five-year-olds.
Another example is, as she was at the Met, And this, uh, dad's putting on this six-year-old's coat.
And you know when you're putting on a kid's coat?
Like a, an overcoat?
They sort of, they reach back, they put their hands behind them, up almost like a reverse Zieg Heil to, to get the jacket on.
Oh, there we go.
And, um, and she's looking up at her dad and she goes, I'm cold.
Are you cold?
That's why I had to get my kids out of the city.
I don't want them Talking like that.
I go to this anarchist farm in the summer with all these old punks and hippies and a lot of them kids are homeschooled and I don't like the way homeschooled kids talk to you.
Like this kid.
First of all, he doesn't have superheroes.
Like I wanted to give him a Superman toy.
He had a stick that he had made with beads and feather glued on it and it was a magic wand.
What?
No, go to Walmart and get a race car with cannons on the top.
That one sucks, and you know it.
But, uh, he goes, so what do you do?
He's like, seven or eight.
I go, none of your business, shithead.
Fuck off.
No, I didn't say that.
I said, I do stuff.
All right, go play.
Yeah, kids being wise beyond their years is child abuse.
Uh, okay.
Oh, here's a great one I use.
This one is pretty darn funny, so it might not work on a lot of people.
But if someone's like, oh, I'm sorry, I'll just, I'll be with you right in a second.
And you just go, oh, I'm good.
I'm like a girl's record collection.
And sometimes they'll just smile and go, okay.
But if they go, pardon?
You go, no rush.
Get it?
It works good in emails too, but you have to capitalize the R. The band Rush.
No girls have won Rush record ever.
No woman in the entire world has ever listened to Rush once.
And if you go to a Rush concert, it looks like the He-Man Woman Haters Club.
There is no woman for a hundred miles.
So yeah, if someone says to you, it's actually better in email, says, OK, hang on, I'll have to get, I'll check my other computer, but I might still have that.
And you go, OK, girls record collection.
It's almost like my own cockney I invented.
Trouble and strife is the wife.
Septic tank is a yank.
That's why we call Americans septics.
Oh, his is a great one.
Now this one I've been using forever.
I actually did it on vacation with Jay Johnson, and it was one of the few times I made him laugh so hard, beer came out his nose.
I found a coral rock that looked like a decaying penis, and I put it in my trunks, and I acted kind of uncomfortable and shy, and I walked over to, it was just guys at this particular table, like in the backyard, and I said, hey guys, Can I show you something?
I gotta ask you.
And then you sort of reach in with your fly and you grab the coral rock and you go, timing is crucial here.
You know, as any funny person will tell you, the secret to humor is timing.
So I reach in and I pull out the coral rock and I go, is this normal?
Now you can do that with a carrot, you can do that with anything.
Like a plastic bag is stupid.
It should be something remotely phallic.
But, you know, no one pulls out their penis and shows it to people.
So, besides everyone these days.
So they're sort of ready to see like a wart or something.
Or a zit.
I know here's one I've been using forever.
You probably heard me use it.
It's a staple.
I highly recommend it.
Anytime someone says something that sounds sort of like a band, you say, oh, Blankety Blank is playing at Mercury Lounge on Thursday if you want to go.
I know the bassist.
I can get good seats.
Mercury Lounge doesn't have seats, by the way.
Like someone says, has bell-bottoms on, and someone says, oh, sweet bell-bottoms.
You go, oh, that reminds me, sweet bell-bottoms are playing at Mercury Lounge, if you guys want to go.
You can stop it at, if you guys want to go, or you can also add, I know the bassists, so we can get great seats.
You can add, I know the bassists and great seats.
Those are extras, they work great, or you can just stop at Mercury Lounge.
I saw some tweet, Cernovich retweeted, where these anti-Semitic liberals were saying, um, uh, The Strange Jewish Journey of Blah Blah Blah on his way to Trump.
It's almost, it's probably written by a Jewish liberal who resented that he lost one of them.
And it was a perfect opportunity for, oh!
Strange Jewish Journey are playing at Mercury Lounge if you guys want to go.
My kids even do it now.
Actually, I've been doing that so long that when I start with, oh!
Sweet Bottoms, and I say, are playing, they all go, oh!
Oh, here's another fun one you can do.
At the bar, when they go, would you like another beer?
You go, you pretend that you're offended and you go, oh, that's a little personal.
Yeah, I don't understand why you're prying.
And you act pissed off.
So this is good.
This isn't another one of those, yeah, sorry, ah, it's more of an angry guy.
Yeah, I don't think that's any of your business.
You act really pissed off.
Sometimes these don't work.
Like, for some reason this one bombs, so don't do this one.
But if the waitress comes up and she goes, okay, let me just start with the specials we're going to have.
And then she starts listening.
I look at the rest of the table and I go, we have no way of knowing if this is true.
Uh, every time I do that one, it flops and the waitress gets super pissed off.
I don't know why.
Clearly, lady, it is true.
Okay?
I'm kidding.
I know you're James O'Keefe's best friend.
That's fine.
He's my 37th best friend.
No, he's much higher than that.
I should do that.
I'm gonna list my friends.
I would say James is.
I don't see him much.
We communicate through computers, but in person it's relatively rare.
I'm gonna say he's down by 21 maybe?
21-ish?
21 maybe, 21-ish.
He's like a work friend.
So that one doesn't do well, don't do that.
But yeah, this one, 90% of the time they laugh, but there is 10% where they go, well fuck you then, you can't have another beer.
And that's the worst thing.
You'll notice us alcoholics are very, very delicate with their relationships to their bartenders, because this is your drug dealer.
You don't want to be on the outs with him.
In Scotland, they can have, you know, they start swearing and the bartender goes, here you go, take it easy with that cousin.
And they go, sorry, sorry lass, sorry, won't happen again.
They're so, it's, they're just beaten, cowed, slaves to the booze.
Anyway, so you go, you go, that's rather prying.
Yeah, it's none of your business.
And they go, okay, well, I guess you won't get another beer.
And you go, then when you start to lose them and they're going to walk away, you go, well, now, yes, coincidentally, I do want another beer, so you did catch me there.
But, uh, I don't appreciate you prying into my private life.
That's a good one.
Oh, here's a great one.
I love to do this one.
Do you remember in, like, fifth grade, you'd tell your friend, maybe sixth grade, when you're 12, 13, that you like Penny Marshall?
I don't know who that is.
Oh, wait a minute.
That's Laverne and Shirley, isn't it?
Okay, I'll use the real name.
Marcia Sterner.
Marcia, if you're out there, I had a crush on you when I was a child.
Christy Bradknox.
Oh my God.
I can't remember what she looks like.
I remember she had a bowl cut.
I actually wrote for Vice Magazine for many years as Christy Bradknox.
I can't find her online.
But she had a bowl cut, and I remember she had tube socks, and the elastic was done on one of them, so she held it up with a rubber band.
And I remember, maybe that's when I started my sock fetish.
I'm into socks on girls.
Ladies, women, adults.
But maybe it started then as a kid.
Anyway, you tell your friend, say Dale Aiken, and you go, I think I'm really, I think I'm falling in love with Christy Bradnax.
Or I'm falling in love with that girl, that red-haired girl, whatever.
And then your friend in the hallways would go, my friend likes you!
And then you'd grab him and go, I do not, I do not!
And like try to grab his face and shut his mouth.
So that was fun times in school, but you do that as an adult.
You do it in real life if the guy does like her.
And you go, my friend likes you!
Or I just like yelling it out of a car.
Like, my friend likes you!
Or it's been so long, right?
It's been literally 38 years since I did that sincerely.
So it's kind of lost its funniness because it's a geriatric saying it.
But I love just yelling that out of a car.
Or saying it if I'm with a guy in the street to any pretty girl.
My friend likes you!
It's a good, it's a good.
You know what Texans do?
I always thought this is a brilliant way to say, I'm attracted to you.
Uh, let's set something up.
Is they go, Trace Crutchfield would do this.
He'd go, there she is!
My God!
There she is!
That's a good one.
That's probably considered catcalling now.
But David Cross, when I used to do that one, he would, he would change it.
His, he changed his to, uh, my friend thinks you're horny.
Oh, David has a great one.
He, uh, him and, uh, the guy who played Jerry, Jerry, no, no, uh, Professor Jellyneck in Strangers with Candy.
They would try to sneak the word bitch into their orders where, uh, Where I got two David ones.
They would try to sneak bitch into their order.
So they go, can I get you guys anything?
And they go, yeah, I was looking at some of these things, bitch.
And I think I want to get the Shirley Temple.
I want to try it.
Just sort of sneak it in.
Let's see if they notice.
Him and Nick Swarzen used to have all these.
Now these are advanced gigs.
I'm giving you the dummy's guide because I'm a dummy and I'm an amateur.
But these are what some of the pros get up to.
Him and Nick Swarzen would go on an elevator and pretend they didn't know each other.
And David would be super annoying and Nick would be the normal guy.
So, Mick Sworston, by the way, is a lunatic.
He's the guy who played the gay guy in that figure skating movie with Will Smith.
And then Napoleon Dynamite guy, he was the stalker.
And I've run into him at bars in L.A.
He, I think he's gay, he parties his ass off.
You know how you're at a bar and you hear that, like ten people screaming and laughing and you go, Jesus, I wish they'd keep it down.
He's that guy.
He's the nucleus of that screaming crowd of lunatics doing shots.
And not when their hockey team wins the Stanley Cup, but every single night he is that guy.
An insane partier.
Great guy.
Anyway, so they get on the elevator and David pretends he's an idiot and Nick gets on.
I guess David would be on first because he'd be closer to the keypad.
And Nick would go, uh, 31 please?
And he'd go, uh, 13?
And Nick would go, 31?
And he goes, 1?
And then other people going 31 he said 31 3 1 is 3 and 1 you want 3 and 1 and then Nick would go Are you an idiot and he goes I'm trying David go I'm trying to help and Nick would go well You're not helping you understand anything and then David start pushing buttons and then David go you know what I'm out of here and he would just get off at the next floor and Nick would push 31 the doors would close and then Nick would be alone with these strangers that he just pretended he was one of
And Nick just goes, oh, what a jerk.
And someone else in the elevator says to Nick, don't worry about it.
We don't need him.
And the genius of that joke is, or that joke, that thing, is the guy, the stranger, is implying that they're on an elevator going somewhere together.
Like, are they going to go out the top of the building and just sort of soar over the city as a team?
Like, the never-ending story.
Another thing I heard Nick would do on elevators is he would fart and go, and then just quietly moment to himself, ugh, that was a total AIDS fart.
One time, I can't remember what comedian this was, but I had just interviewed Zach Galifianakis and I saw that he was texting the guy at our table, so I stole the guy's phone and I texted Zach, good news, Gavin likes you.
And then Zach texted back, great, allow me to file that under who gives a shit.
You know another good gag I did?
Derek Beckles was in this horrible relationship with this lunatic stalker chick who wouldn't let him go and he finally broke up with her and got her stuff out of his house and it was like she was gonna kill him and press charges and beat herself up and say he hit her.
A real buddy boiler type, right?
And he left his phone on the table when he went to the bathroom, which you never do!
Never do.
I've done so many doozies with people.
Like, I was watching ballet and I got a boner.
You just post that on someone's Facebook when they leave their Facebook open.
Like, is that weird?
And their mom reads it.
Anyway, I took Derek's phone and I texted this crazy ex and I just texted one word.
Lonely.
And the foam just... It was crawling all over the bar for the rest of the night.
It drained its batteries.
Okay, so yeah, My Friend Likes You is really fun to do.
Here's a joke if you have a piano in your house.
We have a piano in our house.
I mean, I don't know how to play it.
And when people go, that's a nice piano.
Do you play the piano?
And I always say this exact same joke.
It makes my wife, just drains the energy from her because she's heard it so many times.
But I always go, yeah, yeah, I'm going to be taking lessons.
I mean, I want to make sure it's a really short instructor because my wife isn't used to having a big pianist in the house.
That does well.
Oh, here's a sophisticated one you can use that I like.
Inevitably at a party, right, the women end up in one half of the room, they're usually in the kitchen, and the men end up in the other half of the room, and they're in the living room.
That this happens at dinner parties, maybe the women are cleaning up.
If the men are forced to clean up, then the opposite happens and the men take up the kitchen and the women are in the living room.
And if someone from the other group comes, it's like apartheid.
Like a man shows up in the kitchen and the woman sort of stopped talking, they look at him and they go, yes?
What are you here for a refill?
Because don't get too comfortable, buddy.
And same with a woman.
If a woman like plops down on the couch with the guys and it's like 10 guys, we all look at her going, all right, are you here to ruin all our jokes and curb the conversation and make us have to watch everything we say or what are you doing?
You need to go back to where you belong in the kitchen.
But anyway, when I'm going to the kitchen to get a refill, I like to say, Isn't this funny how at parties, inevitably, they get separated, and then they're all smiling like, yeah, that is funny, it always happens.
And then I add, in terms of IQ.
That's a sophisticated one that has a real groan at the end that makes them mad.
Okay, I've only got one left here.
so Steal the nickname of someone else's kid.
So like, at our baseball game recently, this guy, he calls his kid Meatball.
And so he's like, let's go Meatball!
Come on Meatball, you got this!
Now, he's on my team.
And the kid does well, he's a great player.
And later on, when my son's up, I go, all right, Meatball, you got this!
Let's go, Meatball!
And then my son got a home run, and I'm just like, yay, Meatball!
You can do it!
Go, Meatball!
Stealing another guy's nickname for his kid is a lot of fun.
It's right on the edge, though.
In fact, I'm not sure the guy got it.
I think he was sort of like, that's OK.
I don't know.
I don't mind.
I don't care.
You can go ahead.
It could be a good plot for a sitcom, couldn't it?
A Curb Your Enthusiasm, where Larry David, who obviously doesn't have kids, but if you're like, yeah, no, you can't use that.
That's my nickname.
And he goes, what, you own a copyright for nicknames?
Look, I never see you.
You're never going to hear me calling him Meatball.
I want to call him Meatball.
Yeah, I don't like you calling me bald.
What, in the privacy of my own home?
You care what I call my kid?
It's none of your business!
It's kinda creepy.
Creepy?
No, creepy is you stealing my nickname for my kid.
I'm not stealing it.
You don't own it.
It's just a word.
Do you have a trademark on it?
Oh, what is this?
Like when someone sits down and you say, your name isn't on it?
I gotta put my name?
I gotta trademark everything I do?
Gotta trademark my recipe?
Yeah, you do trademark recipes, Larry.
It's called a recipe book.
Jesus.
So those are little things you can do to be funny.
Another one I like to do that just popped into my head is my neighbors, their in-laws are visiting.
And they go, hi, I'm Casey's father.
And I go, hi, how you doing?
And he goes, so this is, they're in here?
Because they just moved in.
And I go, yeah, that's them.
I got to tell you, man, these keg parties, I mean, it gets relentless.
I just, I want them to have a break, you know?
It's the bands playing downstairs, kegs flying out the window.
It's like Animal House every single night.
And, uh, he had a weird comeback.
He goes, tell me about the bands.
I think he's into music and he was running with the joke doing that riff.
But that's a good one.
Pretend your neighbors party too much.
This one is especially good if they're really old.
Oh, that reminds me of another one!
You always have to do this 100% of the time.
If a woman is talking about her kid and she says, so my daughter is 22 and she's just in college now, and you go, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You had a child when you were nine years old?
That's disgusting.
They always laugh and say, God bless you.
I always do that with any woman over 35 who always get their name incredibly wrong and they always love it.
Like you say, well, you must have been going to Nirvana concerts.
You were what, 20 when Grunge was out?
No, I was 60 years old.
I'm 112 now.
Oh, geez.
Wow, that's weird.
What do you do?
Dip, you sleep in oil of Olay every night?
So that's, that's how to be funny.
I've broken it down for you.
I think it's important to be funny.
I know I keep repeating this, but within every joke is a tiny revolution.
And I look back at my life and controversies and trouble I've been in, and I never regret saying anything.
I think that if I could go back, I would take away every time I was serious.
You know?
I should have responded with more jokes.
Like that video I did, 10 things I hate about the Jews.
Obviously a joke.
Even the picture on the video makes it clear it's a joke.
But when people go, this is anti-Semitic, I'd go, it's clearly a joke.
Explain it.
Watch the video.
It's a parody of anti-Semitism, blah, blah, blah.
That's being serious.
That's like saying to James O'Keefe's best friend, Oh, I'm just joking.
I know you're his best friend.
I'm pretending that I'm his best friend to amuse myself and ideally you and James, but it's not working.
That's not what you do.
You just keep going with the humor.
Keep enjoying yourself.
Just go, you're right.
That was a wake up call.
I've changed so much.
Do a big fake apology.
I'm going to Israel on an apology tour.
Yeah, I think that would be a lot more fun.
Thank you.
Because capitulation doesn't work.
Apologies don't work.
Remember Brett Ratner?
He, there was that movie about with Alan Alda and Eddie Murphy's in it about a heist, tower heist.
And Late at night.
I think Brett Ratner is probably a terrible human being, by the way.
But I often defend terrible human beings because in the court of social justice, you are innocent until proven guilty.
So sometimes I'll catch, I'll be defending guys that I know are total creeps, but I'll be defending them because the examples that got them in trouble are ridiculous.
So this isn't vigilantism.
You may have the right guy, but I want you to use the correct crime.
We're not putting Al Capone in prison for 30 years for tax evasion.
We're not putting OJ Simpson away because he stole a jersey with a signature on it.
I want OJ to go away for beheading Nicole Kidman.
So, um, I was defending this guy and by the way, I hate when people think that I forgot what I was talking about because that is such a... it's like you're demeaning the person, you know?
You're saying they're stupid and they've had too much coffee and they're scatterbrained or they drink too much and they're hungover.
That's totally unfair.
I never forget what I'm talking about.
I clearly remember that this guy I was defending did something that was just joking Oh yeah, Brett Ratner.
So he's a creep.
And they said, so how much of this was ad lib?
Like, did you guys rehearse?
I think people always ask that question at movie Q&As, by the way.
It's so boring.
But they may have been asking it in this case, because I hear Eddie Murphy doesn't like reading lines.
So he just, he thinks every movie is Kirby enthusiasm.
He just shows up and riffs.
And they were maybe alluding to that.
Anyway, Brett Ratner goes, ah, rehearsals are for fags.
Now, Brett's personality aside, that's a funny joke, okay?
It's late at night, people are drinking.
What do you think he means?
Oh, and by the way, I was arguing about this when it happened, and I realized, technically, you know, if you really want to get scientific about it, rehearsals are more important, often, for homosexuals.
Because they tend to, overall, have a different voice, have a more effeminate personality.
Lighten the loafers, the tapette.
In French, they call gays tapettes, because, like a tap, their wrists bend.
And they tend to be like this, high.
And be honest with yourself.
Think about the gays you know.
And a lot of them are normal, but, you know, Ryan McGinley talks like a normal human being.
But most of the gays I know have a slight little, whatever girl, I can't even.
And so if they're playing a grizzled detective who has to talk about the streets, and as a cop, I've seen things that would make you crap a book on how to puke.
You have to rehearse more.
So, even literally, What he said is factually arguable, but he wasn't being literal.
He was having fun, and he was talking like a high schooler, and that's what I hate about censorship, because when you say something's gay, You are actually doing that whole, my friend likes you!
You're doing a parody of people who say things are gay.
No one believes that going to couples therapy is wrong because it's homosexual.
We say it's gay because it's stupid and we're saying gay in a funny way that mocks our naivete when we were 10 years old.
So it's actually a pro-gay thing to say.
Similarly, as we talked on my show about that band The Slants, who had to fight for six years, spend millions of dollars, the Redskins joined their case, because the Redskins knew they're in trouble if you can't trademark what's considered an epithet.
At six years, Ron Coleman, tons of lawyers, mounds of paperwork, a room full of paperwork, and eventually they did that.
And you go, hey Supreme Court, I think even if they were racists, they should get that term, but they're not, just for fun.
And if you look at this Asian band called The Slants, they're clearly doing a parody of an antiquated old term, like slopes or rice ball.
So when you go at thought policing and trying to erase hate, you end up getting involved in jokes.
And the problem with jokes is they're art.
They're like sex.
They're a strange world.
And within this ambiguous artistic field of expression, there's all kinds of things that aren't as they appear.
And often what seems as a frivolous, stupid joke has some real depth to it and is a parody of the thing it sounds like.
So, when things sound racist, they're often a parody of racism.
When things sound antisemitic, they're often a parody of antisemites.
And when things sound homophobic, they're often lampooning homophobes or homophobic attitudes.
And that's what I don't like about you meddling and getting involved in art.
I don't like you getting involved in band names and songs.
I don't like you getting involved in sex.
We got plenty of laws for a woman being assaulted.
We want you to go to the cops so we can iron it out.
But getting involved in all this, like, these schools who want you to write a consent form before you have intercourse, that's the real problem with this sexual policing is you're ruining sex.
I remember talking to this woman, it might have been Ann Coulter about this, we were talking about how the problem with this whole, like, I am going to have sex with you, it is all completely consensual and I want to lay that out early.
That's not ladylike.
That's basically like, look.
We're gonna have dinner.
We're gonna go home.
You can't fuck me in the ass, but you can fuck me without a condom, and I'll blow yours.
Alright?
So it's not rape, and I'll say that on a tape to be sure that we're both consensual.
Cool?
And he sort of goes, uh, yeah, I guess so.
I guess I'm making love to a cab driver from the 1970s.
Away we go!
In the olden days, We'd have this sort of, ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.
And I don't know the solution to this, but I think the law is the best one.
But you could be a lady, ooh-hoo-hoo.
And he goes, get in the cab.
Come on.
I don't want to.
Get your hands off me.
I think a good example of this is that movie, It's Cold Outside.
Oh, baby.
If you watch that video, right?
And feminists are retroactively mad at that video.
I did a rebel video about this song.
But, uh, feminists have decided it's a rape video.
And you watch it, and you're like, no, this is the push and pull of two people in love, where she's retaining her chastity.
God, I'm already being unfunny again.
But he's like, uh, oh, why don't you sit down for a while?
And she, she like takes out a cigarette, I think, or she sits down on the couch, and she's clearly not a woman in duress.
I think no, this idea that no means no right out of the gate, this is going to sound terrible, but no doesn't mean no.
Two no, no means maybe, two no's means this isn't going well, three no's means no, and at that point you stop the game and it's over.
But in that song, she says, meh.
And that's the game.
That's the push and pull.
Every ballet you see is that sort of push and pull.
And I think we're feminists in their quest to make everything egalitarian and fair and wrong and just and to eradicate hate, which is completely insane.
I love hate.
In their effort to make everything a Jehovah's Witnesses idea of heaven, they start just killing fun.
I mean, we like a little bit of ambiguity.
This is a terrible time to be making this argument.
But, you know, the lady goes, I don't want to get in the cab.
You know, you can see a slight turn of her lips, the slight corners turning up, and you think, this has some potential.
Anyway, she goes there, and then, oh my, and you're chasing her up the stairs.
Oh, oh, oh, what get your, oh, oh, oh.
You know, there has to be a little bit of a giggle in there.
Obviously, she can't be going, get the fuck off of me!
Chase is upstairs, and then the next morning, she's like, well, I never!
Oh, my stars!
And you're an absolute cad, sir!
And then she puts on her petticoat again, and she goes down the stairs going, oh!
And then, you know, you call her, can I see you again?
I should think not, the way you've behaved.
What about next Thursday?
Well, I mean, I get off work at 8, but I may be busy.
Let's... I'm not sure.
So she keeps it ambiguous, you know, and she's retained her chastity.
She's still a lady.
But if, you know, I think lesbians, no, I just said lesbians by accident.
Feminists, their world is just like, all right, you having a cigarette the next day?
That was pretty good sex.
I had a good time.
Maybe I'll see you again in a week.
We could do other stuff.
I actually do that thing I said no to on the fourth date, if you want to stick around, but I got to do dinner each time.
I mean, that's the way prostitutes are.
They lay it all out.
I don't want women being preyed upon.
I want those people punished to the full extent of the law.
That's why I hate these settlements, these lawsuits, or just the social shaming.
I've had my friends who've been lied about.
Dove Charney, Terry Richardson, Anthony Cumia, Kale Hartman, all lied about and had their lives destroyed.
No, I shouldn't say destroyed, but had their lives deeply affected.
And of course, there are cases like Louis C.K.
sounds disgusting.
Harvey Weinstein, perfect example of what I'm not talking about right now.
Harvey Weinstein is a disgusting legend.
I think Lauren Sivan, after the incident in the basement there, she should have gone to the cops right away.
There's a million- I bet there's a- I bet that's a really heavy case, too.
Because, um... I think that, um... It's kidnapping.
You know, my buddies stole a picture from an art show.
Ryan McGinley.
And, uh... Sam Sagalnick.
And they jumped in the car.
The owner of the gallery chased them.
Jumped on top of the car.
They took off.
They were charged, among other things, theft and blah blah blah, but they were charged with kidnapping.
Because you travel more than like four feet with someone against their will, you've kidnapped them.
So there's could have been all kinds of crazy charges because she couldn't get out.
But anyway, the point of this whole podcast is...
That the left are the new Puritans.
They are the church ladies.
They are fascists.
Stalinists.
And what do Stalinists do?
Stalinists kill artists.
They kill art.
They kill fun.
They kill comedy.
They kill criticism.
They kill the creative community.
So it is insane that I am stuck here on the right fighting the artists and the gays and the creative types on their behalf.
All my comedian friends hate me and my crusade is to save comedy from fascism and save jokes and save art.
All these sluts hate me and my quest is to keep sex alive.
To keep fun alive.
Because that's what the West is.
The West, we're all refugees really.
We're all refugees from the war on fun.
And we came here to get away from Eastern Europe.
We came here to get away from India, to get away from the fascism of Russia, to get away from the dogmatic totalitarians of the rest of the world.
And we made it here and went, finally we can relax and have some fun and have some nuance and say what we want to say.
And make mistakes, by the way.
The ability to recover from your mistakes is an integral part of Western culture.
A second chance is a big deal and we're not doing that anymore.
We're having kangaroo courts.
Kangaroo courts is for Islam.
Kangaroo courts are for banana republics.
Kangaroo courts are for dictatorships.
They don't belong here.
We have justice in this country and The West should be about only going to court when we have a serious problem and the rest of us are free to work it out ourselves.
And while we're working it out, we're allowed to have fun.
And a big part of having fun is riffing.
And I know riffing is a rare art form, and I know you're in awe of my incredible talents at riffing, but I hope this podcast has given you a few basic tools.
Kind of like when a kid gets a Fisher Price toolbox and it's like a plastic screwdriver.
I hope I gave you at least a plastic screwdriver on how to riff, because Joking around is now a revolutionary act.
You are Che Guevara if you tell—terrible example of a revolutionary—you are Che Guevara if you tell your bartender there's a leak in your drink.
Please get back to being a goof.
Please get back to not spelling everything out.
Let's get back to nuance and have some art back in our lives because that's why we're here.
And that's what made us great.
See you next time.
And I'd like to end this joke with, um, with a joke.
Um, a black guy, a Jew and an Irish and sorry, a black guy, a Jew and an Asian.
Walk into an Irish bar.
They sit down and the black guy orders a Guinness.
The Asian orders a Manhattan.
And the Jew just says, I'll get a white wine.
And the Irish bartender looks up at them as he's cleaning the bar and he goes, What the fuck you guys doing here?
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