Whitney Cummings and Andrew Taylor dissect her recent roast special, debating her biological age and speculating on her transition while revealing her mother's death and childhood sexual abuse. They contrast LA's DIY comedy scene with New York's structure, critique the industry's scarcity complex, and discuss how pandemic-era tension fueled meta-humor. Ultimately, the conversation highlights the necessity of authentic storytelling over calculated performance as comedians navigate evolving city pride and personal trauma. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Voodoo Roast and Dork Arguments00:06:09
What's up everybody and welcome to Flagrant and today we are joined by the hottest thing on OnlyFans.
We have Vitney Taylor.
Pushing that meat wallet for $5 a month.
Go check it out.
No, you just said that I didn't watch any of the roast.
No, I just...
Is that what you just said?
I just said.
What did you just say?
That I didn't watch one minute of the roast.
No, I was said I sent you a link.
Just tell me what you said.
Don't do the like the golden retriever outside the car window on the highway face.
Let's just talk to each other.
I love that you just call me a dog.
No, I was like, when you think I'm setting you up for something, you do this thing where you're like this.
No, this is just how I look best in the light.
I'm getting older, Andrew.
What's your biological age?
Yeah, that's true.
What's your bio age, though?
Let's figure that out.
That's pre-reservatrol.
Okay, let's.
You said I didn't watch one minute of the roast.
That's what you said.
You mocking that biological age.
Let's not pretend that you have become a complete fucking dork.
I listen to your last episode where you guys are like, we're talking about why women are more admitted into college more and that men don't like, who gives a shit?
Why did you guys become such dorks?
Who cares?
Free tape.
What's the thing?
Free tape.
I'm Team Andrew Taylor.
Dude, I was down when you guys were like hanging out with Alex Jones and fucking the fake porn star from North Korea.
And now you guys are like, that was right three weeks ago.
And now you guys are like, and the Pew Research study says that incels, like, who cares?
Are you fans of that?
I'm not a fan of a sagger, dude.
I love saw.
But it's just like, it's a lot of statistics.
Like, what are these, who does these studies?
Like, we're all just like, okay.
It's just like, it's like dork gossip.
Yeah, yeah.
Didn't you put a whole movie out called The Female Brain that was just like the girl version of what you just said?
Are you asking a rhetorical question given the fact you're in the movie?
Now you went down syndrome, Nick.
You have two versions.
It's golden chamber, down syndrome.
You just popped your tits out to distract everybody.
You said I didn't watch A Minute of the Roast.
I did watch The Minute where you started crying for no fucking reason.
And then you gave Burt the same compliment you give every man in comedy, which is, you didn't try to rape me.
I gave it that to like three men.
Listen, every time you say that to me, you say it to Rogan, you say it to Burp.
You're like, I trusted you.
Who else would have said?
You're the three guys that are like my brothers.
Nobody wants to rape you in comedy.
Jesus.
It's just in acting.
First of all, in comedy, we're good.
Okay, I don't need someone yelling at me about rape with that mustache.
Every time I have, someone has attempted to rape you.
You're going to scream at a woman.
Nobody wants to rape you.
And you're like, stop saying that.
That fucking shiny Luigi over here.
Like, wait, no one wants to rape me.
I've never felt more violated than comedy.
I've never felt more violated than you tried to move my microphone around for 20 minutes before this show started.
That was like, so you're going to be able to do it.
Is she really going to do that?
Are you really going to do that?
He literally gave a whole speech about how there's no Me Too situation.
Our poor sound guy should.
He is poor.
They do not terrify hisself.
Literally, bro.
Why was he terrified of my tips and damage?
You exactly what you just did.
You thought you were going to scream.
Oh, the mic guy was trying to rape me.
It's five and a five.
You're such a bad thing.
Because you did.
First of all, no one can rape me.
I don't say no.
I'm unrapeable.
You just got to raise your hand.
We tried to tell you that.
You're unrapeable.
No, that's something.
I think guys could do it.
I wouldn't do it, and I think comedians respect you, and we would not do it.
Andrew Strong, you bring on peptides.
I feel like you could fight.
I feel like you...
You do.
Can I say objectively speaking?
You are annoying.
No, no.
Objectively speaking, I said I think you're in great shape.
Your biological age has got to be at least, I don't know, fucking good.
It's got to be good.
What is it?
What is it?
You're like, I think your biological age.
Can I be honest?
27 if you're a great damn.
I think they're yeah.
They give it to you in dog ears.
Keep your head out the window.
Well, there's no context for the biological age thing.
How dominant you have to be.
Like, what is this?
Like, just showing up to people's places, pushing your tits in front of an Indian guy.
Can I tell you what's going on?
You know what's happened to you?
So, Andrew, I got a lot of people.
Tell me something.
I got a lot of lectures from Andrew Hollywood's dead.
The movie business is dead.
It's over.
Until he starts getting offers to be in movies, in which case it's not dead.
I'll move anything around to go to Atlanta for two hours to wait in a trailer for five minutes of screen time next to that guy.
Much less than fun.
Next to that.
The third lead on modern family.
Yes.
So now he used to be like cool.
Now he went into Hollywood where everything is like all whackward.
Sure.
Yeah, yeah.
Backwards and whack.
And now all of a sudden he's like, I'm Hollywood guy.
Listen, you're right.
By the way, but they're right.
I did it.
I found a Hollywood guy, but every movie he shoots is like in Canada, Calgary.
Like, where's this shit coming out, dude?
Is this shit for fucking Toobi?
Yes.
No, it isn't.
Yeah, well, kind of.
Tubi got the rights to it.
Do you realize every movie that went in?
Dude, the sound and movie, like, I will not do a production that is on awesome.
Listen to me, though.
You're on Ollie Fans.
At least their words.
Okay.
Hulu, voodoo, to be, voodoo.
Like, voodoo is a new network.
Like, what the fuck is that?
Is that how you keep your so young voodoo?
Is that what you've been doing?
I mean, love this.
I got that voodoo pussy.
No, but like, I'm not doing for sounds.
Voodoo, to be only fans, at least their words.
Like, because I feel like at this point, Hollywood is just like naming their networks.
That's a different argument.
There's a better argument than the sounds.
Like, just try a different, all of it is just sounds.
Just because you deserve the name of these networks because Netflix, HBO, what it just has to be letters?
Yeah, but Amazon.
Saudi Company and Rock Climber00:15:19
Where are you with that?
That's a word.
Amazon's a word, but you know, Amazon has taken Saudi money.
Apple's taken Saudi money.
Oh, my God.
You're on a sex trafficking site.
Do you think every girl on that site is crazy years old?
It's crazy to take a moral stand.
Stop being 80 because you got married at the wrong time.
I got married at the right time.
My biological age is 64.
Okay.
I have 20 more good years on this earth.
I get married now.
By the way, if Montclair was a person.
I mean, do you guys know Montclair?
How did he get 64?
They didn't even know Montclair.
Do you guys know Montclair?
Yes.
That's how old that reference is.
This used to be a place where people.
It's a city.
It's a city.
Yeah, it's Jersey.
I shot my special in Newark.
It's right around Way State of Montclair.
I lived in Jersey when I was.
What's up with you?
What's up with you today?
Why do you want to fight with me today?
I didn't want to fight.
You want to fight with me today?
What's going on?
I think, I think.
You don't, I'm not on, I'm only on OnlyFans TV.
And this is on your fans.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
By the way, sorry.
This is your supportive of this.
I want you to go more porno.
I always thought that that was where your strengths lie.
I do believe that.
You know what I mean?
And I got upset because you're obviously, are you in a relationship?
What's going on?
Why don't you look at me with these faces like it's difficult?
She can't control this.
Is listening hard for you?
This is what it looks like when you're listening.
This is you listening, right?
This is you.
I'm not talking.
What do I do with my face of all the other people talk?
She's been hanging out with the Whitney robot too long.
That's what it is.
That's the problem.
This is how you age.
They're too reactive when you're listening.
Even right now, you're trying to not do it.
You're pursing your lips like this.
I know.
I'm just like.
This is how you listen, right?
You just go like this.
You love rose.
should have done the roast i should have or he should have watched it i don't know we don't know if i didn't watch a minute of it well but based on the way you're my guess is you like you came out here projecting in security that i did not watch it it's i if usually when people are projecting they're doing this to the other person that's what you've been doing to me yes i am projecting it's okay if you didn't watch it Do you think I didn't watch it?
Well, I mean, I flew out here to talk about, you know, it's, you know, it's fine if you didn't.
Do you think I didn't watch it?
While you're very busy.
Do you think I didn't watch it?
No, because it's, you wouldn't like, I don't know.
It's, you can't turn your phone.
Maybe you got confused.
I don't know.
Maybe you tried to watch it, but it just wasn't.
There's no like turn your computer.
It's like, maybe you didn't know what to do with your hands.
I don't know.
I'm not sure.
Yes, I did watch it.
I did watch it.
And can I tell you?
Also, like, I just miss roasting.
Like, I've had to, like, the only places I'm able to do like hardcore roast jokes now at this point are like corporate gigs.
Like, I do, dude, I love doing corporate gigs because it's also like, it's a big business, I think, for more like female comics.
Cause, you know, like being a stand-up as a woman, it's not a really, it's not a business.
It's not, it's not a viable either.
Can you tell us how hard it is?
Like, I'm not saying it's hard to know how hard it is to be a female comic.
Like, that's what we love to listen to.
That's what I'm saying.
I'm saying it's hard to be a girl.
It's so tough on the road.
No, it's not what I fucking said.
What are you doing?
I'm just trying to tell you to go back to the hotel.
No one knows it.
It's so different than being a woman anywhere else in life.
How is being comic on the road any different than just going out to a bar?
I always hear this from female comics.
They're like, guys, always trying to go back to your hotel.
And it's like, look at the face again.
You're listening again.
I just put on your listening.
I'm just putting it on.
I'd rather you look at me and just think about like a, like a dog bone.
Just think about a bone.
Just think about a bone.
Think about your happy face and then look like this when I'm talking to them.
Okay?
Listen, it's tough.
Is this like the new Adderall?
It's just like that new Adderall.
It's my sex Adderall.
I want it.
I feel like you got a wonky badge.
No, I got three Zins.
What's a Zins?
Oh, this is like the nicotine.
Nicotine, yeah.
Okay, gotta get it.
Peptides.
Okay, okay, the peptides.
So more testosterone.
No.
I take it for estrogen.
But peptides naturally makes more testosterone.
No.
Got it.
No, no, no.
I want more estrogen.
I want to be able to connect with you.
You're full of fucking estrogen, dude.
Really?
I think...
You know what?
You're going to love this.
Not at all.
You're dating a girl.
Oh, God.
I know.
Did he transition the vet?
Well, you know what's weird?
The vet transition.
I think I might be a trans man.
Oh, goodness gracious.
Like, how would you know if you were a trans man?
Listen, if you want to be back in Hollywood, there are other ways to go about that.
There are other ways.
It's not like super.
I mean, you've seen me.
You've seen me date a lot of men that are way more feminine than any woman I've had.
I like the last guy you were dating.
It's hard to get like masculine energy in LA.
I will say this.
Someone told me he was of the vet and I thought that you were dating like a veteran.
And then I saw him and then I was like, oh, it's the other vet.
But it was still like a dressing.
Yeah, she would find a guy that had his legs blown off so he couldn't run away.
That sounds like something she would do.
I could see you doing that.
I could see.
It's the only way to get a man that has guns in this country.
Can you imagine?
I mean, there are other places you can get.
I'm like, do you have a gun?
Guys are like, no.
And I'm like, I just can't.
I don't know.
I know it's like a problem in America, but I have one in my house.
It's not loaded, though.
I've no one's on premises.
That shit is fine.
I would have.
See, you have a problem.
Well, no, but it's like, it's like, like if someone, if you have a problem at your house, I get, so when I dyed my hair fucking blue, I got all these guys that I guess there's some anime video game where there's a girl with blue hair and then all these anime dorks, they put on headsets and they thought we were married or in a simulation together or something.
So a lot of dorks would start showing up in my house because my shit was on Reddit or whatever.
And so, You know, LAPD, I mean, their whole thing is like, you don't really need like, you know, a BB gun I have loaded, but if you have a gun, like, that solves half of your problems.
I feel like you're having four different conversations with yourself right now.
You know what?
First of all, how dare you?
I came in here.
I'm being attacked by you motherfuckers.
I'm trying to.
You sat there.
You said I went off.
You didn't say anything.
You said my Indian friend tried to molest you.
Of course you say something.
Some said the opposite.
I can't get anyone to molest me anymore.
We're going on to like movie sets, TV sets, sound guys.
You're really tight to a girl.
Yeah, I mean, it's like my mom just died.
Yeah.
And now we got to feel bad.
I don't why you did that.
I feel great about it.
It's a relief.
I'm glad my mom.
She was a hate.
She was a not didn't love me much.
Welcome, yo.
Yeah, dude.
My mom was an asshole, dude.
Really?
Yeah, she put me into like modeling when I was a teenager.
Like, I look back at pictures.
You are beautiful.
And you, you know, but you just got that.
Why'd you say word?
Why did I come on?
Rogan and I were talking about this, to be honest with you.
About how stunning.
Every now and then, Rogan, because we have such a platonic relationship.
It was totally platonic.
Every now and then, like, one of my guy friends will be like, Tell us about it.
Like, well, no, he'll just like, you're like pretty.
And I'm like, what?
Like, it's like, you're very bad.
That's very nice, but now you're now you're sliding that meat over to a girl, right?
Like, well, no, it's super serious.
It's just like grief does wild shit.
Do you know what I mean?
You, well, this kind of proves a theory I've always had about you, which is you just want company.
Interesting.
To run a company.
I just want company.
You just want company.
You just want something around.
Like, you know what I mean?
And it's just like something that kind of fits your schedule, it fits your lifestyle, fits everything.
But you don't want to be completely, you know, dependent on that person.
I think it's going to be different now.
And there's a couple things.
Also, I just went off birth control.
I was on birth control for 20 years.
You're 63 years old.
What do you mean birth control?
What is the point of taking birth control?
I've been on birth control.
So what birth control does is it makes your body think you're pregnant.
So number one, you keep on weight.
So now I think that's part of the reason that I got shredded.
And it makes you like hypervigilant, like paranoid.
You smell pheromones differently.
So you're attracted to a different kind of man.
Like they always say, before you marry someone, you should make sure they go off birth control for at least a year before you get married to make sure you're still attracted.
It's just progesterone, right?
Well, they're all kind of different.
The one that I had was the Moraine IUD because I had such bad migraines.
But like, I didn't even realize, like, because when you're pregnant, think about it, it makes sense.
You would biologically want to be attracted to someone that's more of a risk taker, someone that would be sort of more of a protector.
So it's like I was fucking with guys with like less of a risk taker.
Well, yeah, less.
No, no, no, no.
You would want for the father of your child, maybe, but you would want someone that'd be able to protect your child.
Yeah, but risk taker, he could die, and then I got to raise it.
Yeah, but someone that can like also fight for your kid, who's, you know, that kind of thing.
And then I was like just attracted to such more like extreme, like intense people, like addicts, like motorcycles.
Veterinarians?
That when did you get on?
She was a rock climber too.
I was a rock climber.
Don't do that.
Don't you dare do that.
It's not a rock climber in the 1700s when we didn't have cables.
What's going on?
I need to know what's going on.
Do you come on here?
You say you're a big old bulldyke out of the nowhere.
I'm not a bulldyke.
Come on.
What?
Did Emma take down your diehard poster?
What's going on?
What's going on at home, Andrew?
You come in.
What is going on at home?
You come in and you tell me that you're lying about something.
What's going on?
I need to get to the bottom of it.
Shooting blanks.
Why are you such a grump?
Yes.
How am I grunky?
You have some rage at me, Andrew.
This is a new kind of rage.
This is a good defensive strategy.
You come in here.
Why do I even do it?
This is gaslighting.
This is gaslighting.
Do you learn this from your lesbians?
Yes.
She's been dating women now.
She knows all this.
Now they know how to do it.
I've always been a woman.
I've always been a woman.
What do you think about it?
I've been dating women.
Yeah.
Yes.
This is the first time I've actually dated a woman.
It's actually just like a little more like helpful.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Like, you got God.
Is this just the first time you've had a female friend?
Did you prove what I'm saying?
I literally said you want to be with somebody.
They're just talking about something that can be an assistance to you.
And then you're like, you know what?
It's just a little more helpful.
You know what, guys?
Have another woman around.
Let's talk about something you guys want to talk about.
Let's talk about how more women are being admitted to universities these days than men.
How do you feel about that?
Where did you go to school?
Who gives a shit?
You Penn.
You went to U Penn.
Yes, I did.
Got you.
Ivy's.
Yep, yep.
I like how Andrew says his mustache and it's not long enough.
Did you tell U Penn is an Ivy?
Yeah, I'm very much an Ivy.
Really?
Yeah.
Not really, though.
Yeah, no, it is like actually an IV.
That's like one, it's like Stanford.
It sounds like kind of like in like Cornell, you know, where that's like kind of an Estonian.
I will say, you Penny fucking didn't take Epstein money.
Whoa.
Only Ivy, I think, that didn't.
They like put out a letter being like, we fucking knew it.
I was like, all right.
I bet they've definitely done nothing wrong.
Which, by the way, I did.
I bet their endowment is completely clean.
I got so upset.
Dude.
I got in so much trouble for this.
I did this corporate event and I always do roast jokes there.
And Princess Beatrice was there.
And, you know, her dad is.
From what, Monaco or something like that?
No, her dad is Prince Andrew.
The guy that was like in the photo that might have been Photoshop.
Turkey and Andrew's daughter.
And everybody was like so worried that I was going to say something, which I was like, I have to fucking address this.
You know what I mean?
It bombed really bad.
But I was like, you know, Princess Beatrice, I just want you to know, like, I have no judgments about your dad.
Like, Epstein Island is actually just a really sensitive subject for me because a lot of my friends died trying to swim there.
It's funny.
So that's great.
So you're tangled, dude.
This is you too.
You're making up for UPenn.
And then I said, I know that your dad did not go to Epstein Island because my friends Chrissy Tegan and Chelsea Handler told me they never saw him there.
Didn't go well.
Just silence?
Just dead silence.
And then I like, like, like roasted this like Saudis for like 10 minutes, just bombed and bombed.
Because it was like, you know, Saudi, I mean, we're now in a full alliance with Saudi.
Like, you know, Hollywood is being bought by Saudi.
And I was like, just trying to make the point.
Like, this is like, you know, what did I say?
It was like, oh, because it was for billionaires.
It was like tech billionaires.
And I was like, how can Saudi be any worse than what we're doing?
Like, you know, half the people in this room just moved to a desert where women don't have rights.
It's called Texas.
And if I'm going to pick which one, I'd rather go to the one where I don't have to work.
Texas is better than Saudi.
What that?
Texas is better than Saudi.
Yeah, but Saudi's, like, I think they're like trying to be cool now.
Like, it's, it's like.
So it's Texas.
They just break out.
Yeah.
Wait, what?
Do you not like Texas?
No, I love Texas.
I mean, I was trying to move there a while ago, but what happened to your finger?
I sliced it on something.
W40.
Oh, did you?
Was it?
Did you slice it on some fresh pussy lace?
Is that do they let you get first dibs on the OnlyFans?
Like right when they turn 18, do you get to look at the pictures?
Why do you think that's the one?
Isn't it weird?
Why do you think the second you turn 18, there's a site like, let's see the pussy for $5.
That's a little bit of a shit.
Dude, there's really the fucked up shit.
Do you remember People Magazine?
Fucking two months ago, Jean Benet Ramsey was on the cover.
Do you remember this?
No, two months ago.
Two, like two or three months ago.
And I'm like, what the fuck's going on?
And I couldn't, like, it didn't sit right.
That shit's never sat right with me.
This like obsession with John Benet Ramsey, this like baby and lipstick.
Who's John Benet Ramsey?
She was the girl that got killed.
She got killed.
She was like a beauty queen, like as like a five-year-old.
She was on the cover of all the tabloids really.
She was just on the cover of it again because she had just turned 18 and on like eight channel ships.
She would have turned.
She would have turned 18.
She would be 18.
Like you doing what?
She's going to have a birthday?
Like, how old is this?
No, I get it.
That's gross.
It's gross.
It's like pedophiles that are that they did a countdown to when she would be legal, type of thing.
But they did that with her Mini too.
Yeah, but why the fuck could they put her on the cover of People Magazine?
You'll buy it.
You'll talk about it.
I didn't buy it.
But also, there was a documentary about it where, like, people, like, I don't even understand how people think this is okay.
Like there was a Jean Bennett Ramsey documentary where they said, you know, because she got like raped by someone as a baby mom.
Jesus Christ.
Twiny.
They said they were like her vagina was three times the size.
Twinny.
Dude, no, dude, it's all supposed to be.
But hold on, hold on.
Can I tell you?
One more thing.
How does women are getting advertised?
More than men, though.
Have you heard about this?
This is why they need to go to college.
But it's like, but why would the mainstream media think it's okay to put them in?
This is why women need to go to college.
Women that go to college don't put their kids in beauty pageants.
That's a fact.
Right, right, right, right.
So, this is why you should promote more women to go into college.
I feel like you don't promote that at all.
Yeah.
Well, I'm not using my platform responsibly.
Is that what you're saying?
I don't know what the fuck you're doing, to be honest with you, but it's not that.
Me either.
It's not that.
Yeah.
What's like the what do you want me to be doing?
I want you to focus more on women's empowerment.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Stop.
Have you had a female pussies all over Venice and actually care about what's going on in women's lives and how we can push them to do things that they could never dream of?
How can you help them do that?
What happened in Calgary?
Oh, it was cold.
Yeah.
It was really cold.
And I think the progesterone that I've been on has been affecting me.
There's definitely something up.
What is it about it?
I don't, I mean, you're just, you're definitely very pugnacious.
I think it's you.
I think you bring it out of me.
You make me a little bit more excited.
Why is that the worst?
No, it's sweet.
I'm more sensitive now.
No, I think that, like, I think that we are, we have like a very brother-sister dynamic, I think.
Yeah, you're so my brother.
Is that right?
So, do you notice that you're different?
His wife said you're different after going on these?
Is your sex drive higher?
After going to Calgary?
No.
After being on these peptides.
No, I'm not really on peptides.
I was just joking.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Got it.
Yeah.
Why?
Do you feel like your sex size was higher?
Shit, you went on peptides and became a lesbian.
No, I wasn't.
Off that.
That is true.
You did go on peptides and I correlated.
Compromise Over Gender Issues00:02:01
A lot of everyone in LA is transitioning.
The bait.
All the babies are gay.
I mean, it could be a fat water.
Here's my thing.
My thing is like it's.
Whoa, you did the Trump.
Whoa.
Whoa.
I did the Trump what?
And that's got to do that.
Whoa.
Poor Terrika.
I just feel like I don't need to know, like, when kids, it's like this, this is, you know, Megan, now Madison.
Now, five different names for the kids, like, whatever.
For me, like, I grew up poor.
So when you grow up poor, you're whatever gender like your older sibling is.
Yeah.
Like, there's no, you don't get to pick your gender.
Like, it's just like my, I had an older brother.
I wore a hockey jersey to school for like, you know, two years.
So it's like when I see my friends buying like nine different skirts and shorts and shit, I'm just like, all right, this just feels like, you know, you have, it's like a very elitist thing, I think, in LA.
But I think people are really gunning for their kid to be trans.
Why do you think they want that?
It's because I think it makes them seem more interested.
It's status.
Is trans kid the new like adopted black kid?
Oh, that's interesting.
Did you ever see the list of when you adopt kids the different prices?
What is it?
If you want to pull it up online, I don't know.
Are black kids worth three-fifths of a compromise?
Nice.
Well, actually, let's look at the prices.
Compromise?
That was the compromise.
It was the compromise, I believe.
It was.
It was.
But this is like.
What is three-fifths?
Like, that is such a weird race.
So, yeah, no, this is it.
This is it.
See it.
Okay.
Here, I'll pull it.
Black kids.
I'll pull it up.
This is from Epstein exchange rate.
We cost the most.
I'm all for.
Uh-oh, I love it.
No, because unless y'all get adopted.
Which, by the way, Epstein looks like.
That's how they get you, bro.
That's how they get you.
No, but a white kid is expensive.
That's a status symbol.
I said you with Epstein.
What was the thing?
Are we still doing the Epstein thing?
No, I'm just saying.
Do people still care about that?
It's not that.
It's just that I feel like I called this so long ago, but no one called what?
That something was up with Epstein.
Blonde Privilege and Brunette Bias00:02:10
Do you know why?
Whitney.
Do you know why?
Whitney.
What was fishy about Epstein that everybody missed?
What was fishy?
I don't.
What was fishy, Whitney?
Why are you saying my name like I don't know it?
Rascal.
You're being a scalawak.
I am being a real colour.
You're being a real scalawak.
Tell me, tell me, tell me the FCNI.
No billionaire dates a brunette.
Jeff Bezos.
Married to her.
Well, there's that's not just a brunette.
And his news.
Wait for it.
What's the guy who owns Arnold?
How about this?
A what billionaire dates a blonde?
No, what is actually talking about?
Let's do it.
What billionaire dates a brunette that looks like Janet that looks like Janet from three companies?
Beyonce.
Beyonce.
I don't know if blondes really get there with the billionaires because they don't age that well.
I think you need to go bronette, brunette, because brunette, brunette, brunette.
There's more longevity.
100%.
Or, or brunettes, because they have less of an advantage earlier.
I think they work harder to preserve themselves.
Do you think?
No one takes them to the beach.
It felt like you just complimented yourself.
It felt like you just really complimented it.
That was a powerful thing.
That's what, like, I know that I have to work extra hard without eye cream because I'm brunette.
Like, I know I have to work harder in other areas.
Like, blondes, I know that don't go to the gym.
They've got like handkick ass.
They're like, you can be like a seven face in a blonde and be like a 10.
Do you really think that?
I feel like to be a hot brunette, you have to be like Angelina Jolie.
To be like a hot blonde, you can be like Julia Styles.
I prefer brunettes.
Yeah.
Like way prefer.
Okay.
Not even close.
Bachelor party.
Kate comes out.
Yeah.
Stripper comes out of the cake.
Brunette.
Yeah.
There's a little bit of a like up.
No.
And we're talking white brunettes here.
We're not talking Selma Hayek with Pinot.
Oh, I guess I count them as well.
But like, but yeah, I don't know.
There is a blonde privilege that like the blonde thing lasts for like a four-year period.
Yeah, yeah.
I think when you first become like an adult where you have some freedom, you're like, what's going on with these blonde things?
Like they look like elves.
It's a little bit, it's a little cool and cute.
I went through that phase when I was living in Spain.
Fourth Date Modeling Struggles00:15:26
I was like, Swedish girls, this is kind of fun.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But eventually you just kind of grow out of it and you see that like there's way more longevity with that.
I also think that like, like, like, but also Glenn.
Look how well you've aged.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I feel like you're joking.
The fact that you would even say that.
You feel like I didn't watch your fucking special.
I watched the special.
You feel like when I compliment you, I'm not telling the truth.
You're about to criticize me trying to convince you that I like you and I care about you.
Betterhealth.com.
Something else is going on.
Whitney.
No.
Something's going on.
Dude, you as a lesbian, way more sensitive.
I don't like it.
No, this is.
I like you getting stuffed with dicks.
When you were getting stuffed with dicks, you were way more fun.
Now you're gaslighting me left and right, grabbing my feet.
One time I called in.
Massaging it.
I was in a bunch of stuff.
That's actually all right.
I've done my rye over my head.
That's the great thing about that.
You just massage right there.
You have a strong hand.
Oh, because you play basketball.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you finger women now.
You're going to league, baby.
You're WNBA material.
This is what God is.
Being a female comic is being in the WNBA.
Why?
No one wants to see us either.
What are you talking about?
If I got stuck in a Russian prison, none of you would come.
You'd be like, that's good for her.
Yes.
And she should.
That'd be Bill Scare.
Let me run the prison.
One of my favorite stories about Andrew ever is I had court side seats to a Knicks game and I was like, got him like last minute at like one.
I was like, want to come to the Knicks game?
He's like, nah, I'm playing tonight in my league.
All his life, you know?
And I was like, all his life.
I was like, yeah, but he was super serious about this league from like nine years ago.
This was like seven years ago.
Yeah.
Like, I was like, not on the court side.
He's like, nah, dude, they need me.
A memory came up on my phone of like a clip from when we were playing the league.
And I spent like maybe a good 45 minutes while taking a shit, just looking at my old highlights.
I mean, I mean, your boy was balling back in the day.
You couldn't let my boys down.
I might have to.
We got to make you a hoop next year.
And I was going to sit next to you during the whole game.
You trying to pretend like you know what's going on.
Why did you get it?
Why didn't you just get floor seats to the YMCA?
That would have been five basketball cities.
Basketball City and I'm the YMCA.
I literally was like, who would enjoy this the most?
I got it.
You know what?
Andrew.
I don't want to hear you get a fake exile three seconds and like trying to impress everybody with your basketball knowledge when you don't know anything about basketball.
I would have been like, oh, have you seen the fucking photo of me in front row?
I'll stop you right there.
Is that on your only fans?
Is it like this?
Do you just want to do this?
I mean, why?
Why are you so defensive?
Yo, you really become a woman now that you're a lesbian.
I'm not a lady.
This shit is bothering.
I'm not a lesbian.
You told me you came on here.
You're so gaslighting.
I feel gaslit.
Listen, I can't do this.
Can we?
I can't do this.
This is why men don't have lesbian friends.
This is why men don't have lesbian friends.
You came on here.
You say you're dating a girl.
What the fuck that makes you?
You know what?
These shoes are the most lesbian.
These are the number one golden trees.
Deflecting, right?
No, I was just.
You're shoelacing.
You don't even got shoelaces.
You got velcro.
Yeah.
Which is what it sounds like when you fucking scissor your lesbian.
That's how we say.
She stole those from Epstein's Island.
That's what she got.
Come on, seriously, with this lesbian stuff.
No, it's literally, I just have not seen you in a while.
Both parents dead.
Grief does wild shit.
One of them was already dead, to be honest with you.
They've all, I mean.
Well, not all.
Yeah, no, well, my dad died a couple years ago.
Yeah, so I saw you between that.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I just, I think that when you lose a second parent.
I've heard this.
It fucks you up.
No, well, also, it's in like kind of a good way because also my mom was in a nursing home for the past like 12 years, like hanging off the side of a bed.
I had like lived in hospital.
Like I wasn't able to like function as a person, like my bandwidth.
And I was like such a workaholic because that was like the drug, I guess, that I chose.
You want to distract herself from this real thing.
Yeah.
Like it just also is like the guilt and the shame of knowing she's like in a bed.
I mean, I think a lot of people go through this.
Like, you know, and nursing homes are like criminal enterprises.
I mean, it's like, it's, I had, I had to go in and like, you know, when you're like wiping your mom's ass, like giving her showers, shit, like, that's like, shit gets like kind of real.
And then I didn't really get to have a teen, I grew up in alcoholic home, so I had to be a parent very early.
So it's like I never really got to like have a childhood, never really got to have like teen years, was working.
Like she put me in like modeling, which is you think about it, like, what the fuck?
I was doing like maternity catalogs when I was like 15, like all these like boxes.
Like, do you ever go through old shit?
Like, I'm just like, what the fuck?
I disassociated like so much of it.
And you go back and like.
Do you resent her for that?
It feels like it.
You know, it's like, it is what it is.
I mean, it's just kind of like, I don't think anyone, I don't, like, the fact that child labor is illegal in this country, but like child modeling and child acting, like, why the fuck are there child actors?
Like, I look around and I'm like, why does anyone need to kid to be on?
Is anyone's like, oh, what's going on with a seven-year-old?
You're not going to stock groceries until you're 14, but you can be in a full-time.
Well, so think about it.
Like, the people that, but also the people that were, yeah, I mean, that's cool.
You don't want a bunch of dwarves playing all the kids.
When people write shows for like teenagers, they're like 50.
Yeah.
I'm like, I was writing the dialogue.
I've often thought about this with like an SVU show where like there's a girl that gets raped in the show and it's like she's like a 12-year-old or a nine-year-old.
And it's like some parent has to go, no, I think that my kid would be good to play this role.
Also, by the way, Jim Norton.
Great.
Best joke.
He does both.
Because I did watch their roast.
What do you say?
That really hit you sideways.
Because it bothered me that you would have that perception of me that I wouldn't have been.
I'm just secure and like facetious.
I didn't think, like, I wouldn't have cared either way.
I don't believe that you watched the whole thing.
I don't believe me.
You still don't believe that I watched the show.
No, I believed you.
I believe you did, but I don't believe it hurt you, but I did.
No, it didn't.
It does hurt me.
I'm sorry that I did.
You would have such a negative perception of me.
Why can't we make the best of one another?
I thought the best of you.
I thought you were straight.
Turns out.
Dude, you cannot trust these hoes.
Like, what are you talking about?
What did they do?
What do they do?
Wait, no, no, for me, I think it's just like my mom died.
Like, the people that showed up in the way.
What do you think about pussy taste?
It's not sexual yet, like that.
Wait, was it the girl you brought over?
Is that the aging?
This is your first female friend.
You're not alive.
I think you're right.
I think you're a fan of your family.
You've just made a female friend.
Can I tell you something when my mom was alive because she was such a malignant narcissist and such a like mercurial, like, you know, kind of mess.
Like, I really.
Great vocabulary.
Sorry, really.
Oh, sorry.
That was great.
But I really had a hard time with female friendships.
And then, you know, it's really hard being a female comic.
I don't, I don't believe that.
But like in comedy, there's so much scarcity complex.
Like a lot of female comics can kind of be like nasty.
You know, so I kind of was like, now you're right.
This might just be my only female friend I've ever had.
And I feel like I have to make out with her.
She thinks you're gay.
Yeah.
I know.
Hold on.
You guys make out?
And you think you're a good kisser?
I think I'm a really good kisser, but I. Does she think you're a good kisser?
I mean, I think.
Do you guys moan when you kiss?
But by the way, by the way, can I tell you?
Don't touch me.
Do you do that deep breathing thing?
This is my shit.
Well, I've had like a sinus thing lately.
So I'm like, but I like to.
Do you do that Trump thing when you breathe?
Like, bring it in.
I gotta be honest with you.
I have never been like, like, back in the day, people always be like, oh, I never want to hook up with you or comic.
Like, you'd probably make fun of me.
And I'm like, I have never made jokes during sex.
Like, I would never, like, but now I just think it's like, like, I really like to keep my eyes open and wait to see if the other person will open their eyes.
Like, that's my favorite shit when you're like making out.
And then the other person will open and close.
And you're like, what do you, what's that?
Like, I love calling out those weird ass.
So you guys are making out, like, in a bed?
Horizontal ever?
Have you been horizontal with a woman?
Well, I mean, like, in college, I had to say that.
No, no, no.
Now, this girl that you're dating.
Yeah, kind of, but it's like, it's.
What does she look like?
Do I know her name?
Yeah, maybe.
I know her.
No, you'll, yeah.
Do I know?
I'll show you after.
Yeah.
Do I know her?
No, you don't know her.
Have I seen her before?
Like, I thought this would like land better with you.
I thought you would think it's like funny.
I feel like it's.
No, he's very curious if you haven't.
Why can't I be serious about something?
Here's why it cannot be.
Humor comes from being serious.
You have an open wound on your finger and you are actively just rocking it on my fingers.
It's not, I have a band-aid on.
No, you just miss pointy hard things.
You have such hard penis.
By the way, I've never gotten one hard.
My personality here.
You've never had a hard penis.
No, yes, I have.
I think I could never stop dating.
Has a guy ever gotten soft with you?
If that happens, if you could just cry, it'll be fun.
Did that really hurt you?
Did that really hurt you?
No.
I think the time for that to happen.
I started crying, did he get harder?
Usually that works.
It always works.
Because I've come out lingerie before.
Have you ever had a girl come out lingerie?
Not you, because I feel you walking like Kramer.
This penis is making me thirsty.
So they call me Vaginefeld.
Fucking steal Vaughn's merch.
No, so you've come in and lingerie.
But when you come in lingerie and like that, when you like try really hard, but the guy just wants to get to it.
You're like, I want you to appreciate it.
You know, just when there's like that set of expressions.
That's the right thing to do when a girl comes in a lingerie.
That's a great thing that we should get to.
It depends.
You first need to ascertain the quality of the lingerie.
If it's just some Chinese trash, it's a different conversation.
But first, just feel it out and just see if it's something that feels expensive.
Just appreciate it for a minute and also leave it on.
How would you like us to appreciate it?
What is it?
What is it in Jay-Z and Drunken Love?
Put the panties to the side.
No time to take draws off.
Like leave it on sometimes.
The idea is leave it on and fuck her with them on.
Oh, you leave it on.
Oh, got you, gotcha.
And then you pull it to the side.
Yeah.
And then you just let that.
And there's a lot of like leave it on.
If she's wearing like a nice bra and you've seen her tits already, leave the bra on.
Oh, thank you.
Because also, it's like our tits, like, you know, it's like, well, mine are like fucking crocodile eyes come out of a pun at this point.
But mine stay up Because my tits don't move, you know.
Troiki!
We got a big one!
Bring the boat up real slow, you know.
This one's jumping.
Grab the tail.
But like, if the tits are real, when you lay down, they sort of disappear.
You know what I mean?
No one talks.
But yours don't do that at all.
Mine are fucking at the ready.
It's fucking awful.
Have you had another boob job recently?
No, I had, I'm wearing a wild bra.
No, I've had, like, I talked about it my, no, I talked about it.
You?
I talked about it my fourth special, I think.
I did one and then had to do a reconstructive one.
And then this.
Wait, why?
Because you did reconstruct.
You didn't watch my fourth special.
There are some.
I mean, it was the fourth.
I mean, to be fair, the fourth.
First, second, third, maybe, but fourth, bro, you've done enough.
It is weird how like a fourth special really falls through the cracks.
You know what I mean?
It's enough, yo.
Like, feeling the fourth and fifth should have been one.
Yeah.
Same with boob jobs, actually.
No, but I always just feel like embarrassed if I'm like mentioning something I've already said, like as if anyone like knows the difference.
But no, you have to replace them, I think, every 10 years or so.
That's what I'm due for a tune-up in a bit.
But these are the new ones.
They're like, they're called the gummy bear ones.
Oh, yeah.
They're like half silicone, half like unicorn combat.
That's what they're made of, actually.
So yeah, so these are like good ones.
Like, I'm into it.
Reconstructive.
But they're wide instead of big.
Wait a minute.
You prefer them.
Well, because I had scoliosis and I had all this crazy shit and I had really bad eating disorders when I was younger because of like the modeling and stuff.
Like, I mean, I was literally when I was doing like shit modeling.
Good thing you had those disorders because imagine you'd be like 6'4 or something.
Would you ever date a woman taller than you, anyone?
I'm 6'2.
I know, but would you ever?
No.
My height?
Yeah.
Yeah, I think I could just because my height is like, yeah, that's a male fantasy.
That's like a breeder.
That's what guys would call it.
Oh, interesting.
Can you imagine my son being 5'9?
That'd be great.
But also like that was towering.
The last couple of guys I dated were shorter than me, and I was like very into it.
Like very into it.
And I think that when I was like more insecure or like whatever, you're like, oh, I can't date a guy that's shorter than me.
But now it's like, I don't know.
You're into short kings.
Short kings.
Do you find that they're like more motivated?
Well, it's also the same thing with baldness.
Like, you know, like there was some studies, there's studies that came out.
Some of all these facts.
No, but this is like for realsies that men that are bald, women find more attractive than men that aren't.
Because it's like, what?
Because they have successful podcasts that can make their career.
Is that why?
Interesting how that study came out recently.
Duck, duck, duck, duck, go forth of those steps.
So, but yeah, but I think that like, I don't know.
I think having death, like it's hard to, you know, unless you're the Menendez brothers and you're just going to handle it on your own.
Like having two parents die, like I highly recommend it.
Oh, you felt what?
Shit gets like wild.
Like, because I didn't even realize.
Push back against that.
I'm just saying, I didn't, well, I had no choice, but I didn't even realize how many of my decisions I was making based on, is my dad going to hear that?
If I say this on TV, is my mom going to hear that?
Like, I can't, like, I couldn't even say my mom was an alcoholic.
My mom didn't love me.
Like, I couldn't say it until she died.
And I feel like I think about like censorship and comedy.
And I was self-censoring the most with my parents because I didn't want to.
It's hurt me to care about people.
I don't know.
I don't want to hurt them, though.
Yeah, I know, but I'm just saying, like, I didn't even realize how bound I was by it.
And now I have this like kind of like freedom.
And then it came out and then killed your mom.
Exactly.
Yeah, you told her you were gay.
I mean, I'm not gay.
I'm a trans man.
Wait a minute.
Argue?
No, I'm just, it's like, it's, I'm just thinking, like, like, someone said to me once, this is my lawyer back in the day, as soon as I got a TV show syndicated, he was like, now what are you going to do?
Like, you're, the, the, the sort of tier of men you can date just got smaller.
I'm like, what are you talking about?
And he was like, you know, well, now that you're successful and men think you have money, like you have to be with someone that has so much money to restore the power dynamic.
And I was like, wait, are you telling me that now that I finally have my own money, I have to be like a gold digger?
Like, that's so fucked.
Like, now that I have my own money, I have to date Rachel.
The whole point of making money is you could, like, it opens up this whole new pool of like broke guys that I couldn't date when I was broke.
You know what I mean?
Like, it still is weird, though.
I have a who works hard.
She makes a lot of money.
Miles thinks she's beautiful.
Miles is way too poor for her.
She would never date him.
So, but it's her thing.
She doesn't want to date someone.
I know, right?
It seems like you're kind of calling us out.
We could easily change that.
Way too poor is like very difficult.
She makes like a crazy amount of money.
But it's also crazy.
But to me, it's like what does she do?
Criminal.
It has to be criminal.
She works, she works three full-time jobs and none of them know.
So I don't even know if I should put it in the future.
What the fuck?
She got chat CBT.
She works from home, three management jobs, full-time, over the phone, managing all of it at once.
She's a fucking host.
She's a host.
But why does she, does she want to just make a ton of money?
Is she because like, or does she enjoy working?
We're probably going to have to edit this out again because they would fire her if she found out.
So she's probably filling some kind of void of not having a man.
But as she gets more successful and richer, I mean, she's like rich.
Dude, let me ask you, though, like, workaholism.
People are very threatened by it.
Workaholism is an addiction that is like kind of a tricky one.
Like, you know, in our community, there's so many people we see with like drug addictions and alcohol addictions, but like workaholism, like that's one that I've like really found myself being like, oh, like, I don't need to be working right now.
Like, why can't, why am I saying yes to this?
Why am I doing that?
It's so socially acceptable.
You work a lot.
Second Date Intimacy Problems00:14:40
It's celebrated.
I mean, not so much as like me.
I think people are shitty to me about it.
They're like, you're so ambitious.
Why do you work so much?
For women, I don't know if you're afraid of it.
I think I get shamed more for it.
Which I think is good because it's made me like look in the mirror.
Do you think they're shaming you for working too much or they're shaming you for not processing certain emotions and covering that up with work?
Maybe, but it's like, how do you know what emotions I'm like?
If you just went on vacation instead of work, I think that they would say the same thing.
Like, yeah, you're just traveling around the world doing all this other stuff when you had your parents pass and you're not really acknowledging what happened and how it affected you.
Yeah, but it's like I've been mourning my parents since they had strokes.
Like, you know, it's like been a slow process.
Like, some people have it lose it, suddenly have it suddenly.
I actually feel like I got really lucky because it's like I had 12 years to like prepare because it was like groundhog day.
It was like every day.
It was today's the day she's going to die.
Today's the day.
So it was just this constant thing.
And by the time she died, I mean, a couple years ago, she looked over at me and she was like, please kill me.
You know, and I'm like, sometimes people say it's a relief when they have such a relief.
Yeah, just also like seeing your, you know, this person you had on a pedestal or someone that like, you have to have some modicum of a hierarchy of just like the biological, just the pecking order of this is the queen.
And, you know, the changing of the guard, like it's a, to be in that holding pattern of like, am I an adult yet?
Am I not?
Am I my mother's mother?
Am I my mother's daughter?
Like try to seek validation from someone that you have to wipe their ass.
It's just like, it just gets really confusing.
Was she seeing your stuff though?
Like, was she aware of what you were doing career?
What?
She, bless her heart.
My mom, like, you know, dabbled in the narcissism and she couldn't, like, at my first special, she answered her phone in the audience and like just took the call.
Nice.
You know what I mean?
She could, like, she just couldn't, you know, you know, every time I saw her, it was like these backhanded compliments.
He's like, all you want is somebody, you know.
Where do you think that comes from?
Her.
Yeah.
Why do you think she did not want kids?
I don't think she had maternal instincts.
I think she, if I'm going to guess, I think she had my sister to try to keep my dad.
And then my dad fell in love with my sister.
Run her back.
My sister stole my dad's heart.
My mom couldn't keep dad's heart.
And then I was a mistake.
So I was conceived two months after my sister was born.
And so I was an accident.
So it's like, when you really go back and do the like, oh, no one wanted me.
And then I came out and I was brunette.
You know, also just found out I'm half Jewish.
Hey, whoa.
How'd you just find that out?
I just found out because my mom died and I got the, because I knew that my dad's mom was Jewish and my mom's dad.
I just found out because when they died, all the family secrets come up.
Oh, wow.
There's like a wild shit.
Yeah.
You're half Jewish, but actually zero Jewish.
Because you need to come from Jewish vagina to be actually Jewish.
Well, my mom, my dad's mom.
I'm sorry, but my dad's mom.
I'm sorry, dad's mom.
Oh, so I'm no Jewish.
No Jewish.
Damn.
But come on.
No, good math.
Zero?
Doesn't count.
Great math.
Zero.
Great math.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your math has gotten worse now that you're full-on fucking Lesi.
And then, yeah, just like, it just like changes you.
I don't know.
It's like.
My friend had, I'll see if we can keep his name.
Gunal Aurora, his dad was like not a great guy.
And he said something that stuck with me.
He said, it took my dad's death for me to deal with his life.
Like all the shit that they put on you.
So even if you've kind of been dealing with her death, I wonder if it still hits you hard because once she's gone, gone.
You can keep yourself occupied and not think about all the shitty things she did to you when you're wiping her ass and you're seeing her in the state.
When she's gone, now you got to deal with everything she did to you.
Because the first time you came on, I think she was alive.
You didn't talk about like forcing you into modeling at all.
I think you might be dealing with all this stuff.
I just, well, because it's like I never wanted, you know, I don't think she had a capacity for guilt.
Like her denial was so intense.
But it's like, yeah, I mean, there was sexual abuse.
There was like in alcoholic homes when there's like, you know, men coming in and out.
No, not from her, but like from boyfriends, from like divorced homes where people are working.
So she was dating a guy and that guy would like hit on you?
That was, well, that was a whole other thing.
Like, look, we're the first generation.
She's kind of flirting.
My mom, I'm going to say it like that.
Mark, let's not joke around about this.
Very fucking insensitive.
She's joking around.
She's saying she got molested.
You think it's crazy.
They're hitting on her.
You're still laughing.
Face is all red on her.
I just don't think they're hitting on time.
This is sorry.
Just say sorry, bro.
This is all you're flirting.
I will forgive you.
This is the problem with men, bro.
This is the problem with men.
They can't just say sorry.
No, dude, this is the, dude, it's a quality that now we can laugh.
Poor girl is like poor.
I am so rich.
I have so much money.
On the pot grieving.
Whatever you fucking say.
Well, it's a fucking asshole right now.
Hardcore feminist, dude.
It's a quality where you can also laugh at women.
Boyfriends.
But all kinds of people, dude.
It's like, fucking calm down, dude.
Like, you like female sinister ones.
Alex, what are you doing in the corner?
Listen, listen.
Doesn't it feel like when boys are molested, it's hilarious?
Like, Catholic church shit is funny, and then girls are molested, and everyone's all like awkward.
So this is, he's like, okay, so you're saying that her boyfriends.
No, not that specifically.
There were situations like that, but we also had babysitters.
Like, we were the first generation of like moms that worked, you know, and she would go out.
You had male babysitters.
Dude, it was like so-and-so's, you know, son down the street.
Is he available for $10?
We had female babysitters.
We had a female babysitter that molested us.
I didn't know that till recently.
My dad got molested by a babysitter.
Uh-huh.
Female.
Back in the day day.
Yeah, back in the day.
So that was a while ago.
Yeah, but no, he was about it.
He like shared the story with me.
That's intense.
That's true.
They would play a game where she was.
Back in the day where women couldn't even vote, but they were molesting.
Oh, no, he's not that old.
I just mean like, when was it?
When was the exact day?
I'm not sure.
I just mean like, was it the 50s when he was a kid?
When was he?
Yeah, it was definitely the 50s.
And he would tell me she would come over and they would play a game where she would play with his dick.
And then like, she was like, all right, it's time for you to play with mine.
And he was like, I can't wait to play with her dick.
He didn't know.
He didn't know girls have pussies and shit.
So he's like, it's my time to play to dance.
And he was like trying to get in there.
And she was like, oh, okay, actually, we can't do this, blah, blah.
And then kind of stopped it.
So he was trying to get his get back.
I think that was the most fucked up part because he didn't get his get back.
Mark, you can laugh at this one.
Yeah, that one seems kind of funny.
He enjoyed that one.
But when women are molested or girls are molested, it gets like, it's like a super bummer.
So it's like, I never thought about it.
Well, it is a bolus.
It is a bit of a bummer.
It is a bummer.
I mean, I think that most, it happens to most people in some iteration.
I think that like when you grow up in a city.
No, it doesn't.
Don't normalize it.
Maybe.
I just think that there's so much like Whitney.
Doesn't I think a lot of and I know that normalizing it might make you feel better?
No, it doesn't.
It makes me happy.
I want to be not okay just.
I want to be the only person that was molested.
What do you think?
You want to be the only person?
Do you think I want other people to have this?
That's a little narcissistic.
No, I'm joking.
But no, trust me, I would love to be the only person that's not as a child.
Actually, if you were the only person who's the only way we talk about it, I think that, but I think that all the music is.
You maybe could pay the price for all humans.
It's like a Jesus thing.
You took the molestation so no one else had virgin recently.
What?
Y'all are talking about y'all are talking about incels.
And you took her jacket.
That's fucked up.
Yeah, that's crazy.
It was like me.
Y'all are talking about incels, like school shoes.
What are you doing about it?
I'm out there fucking them.
You had sex with a male virgin.
How old were they?
I'm not telling them.
You had sex with an underage man.
No, no.
You had sex with an underage man.
No, a very old, much older virgin.
How old?
On the road.
How old?
Over 25.
You believed him?
Yes, actually.
You fucking idiot.
I waited.
No way.
There's no way.
They've been playing that for fucking years.
You're like, oh, yeah, I never had sex before.
And then we're going to have sex till after 25.
Fucking listen.
Dude, you're not.
You don't have to be aware of that.
You might have to dig into fans, bro.
That's the first time I've ever seen that.
You call a pound.
No, it's the first of her time.
How dare you, dude?
How dare you?
Because that's the other thing.
I'm looking down the barrel of the female comedians that, like, dude, this doesn't end well.
Who does this end well for?
Female comedian?
Joan of Arc or whatever.
What's up?
Joan of Joan of Arc.
That ended well for her.
She did wow.
That's phenomenal.
She's just killing her.
I think she has so much respect.
That's true, but I think people love her.
But she hated towards the end that she was like doing fashion police stuff.
And we're like, stop doing it.
Like celebrity shit.
Like celebrity gossip shit.
I don't like to get into it.
Don't complain about the shit you choose for.
Or you become gay or you become an activist.
I know.
That's what I'm saying.
No.
I'm not going to do that.
You went activist first.
Do you remember?
Who was I an activist?
Remember when you would call me and be like, dude, they totally think I give a fuck about animals.
And you would, we would have these calls.
Do you remember that?
Like, oh, giraffes.
I'm not a stupid fucking animal.
I don't give.
You would call me shit on animals all the time.
And then you'd go and make your little videos like, I gotta save a zoo.
A zoo's gonna burn in California.
And you would call me just laughing and mocking these people.
Remember that?
No, I don't.
But you do care about animals.
You do care about it.
You dated a veterinarian.
What is going on?
You dated a veterinarian.
Stop doing it.
You're doing it again.
Every time you're in a corner, you project.
I'm not sure.
Can we talk about you and the animals?
Sure, yes.
You were in love with a veterinarian.
I dated a veterinarian during the pandemic.
Yes.
You didn't love him.
I did.
What's love?
I mean, that's what it is.
What do we do?
What are we doing?
You're born.
Hold on.
My thing with love.
That's crazy.
No, it's not.
My thing with love is that word was used a lot to control me as a kid.
Why do your fingers get the bigger the lie?
Is the second that you're out there like this?
That was used as a controlling mechanism.
You could love the veterinarian.
What have you said?
Uh, you loved before.
Thousands.
When, like, what's your definition of love?
Like, when do you know you're in love with someone?
That's a good question.
Jerry Maguire.
You know what I mean?
That's a good question.
But I'll tell you this.
Do you love me?
I love you.
Yeah, but that's not in love.
No, but in love, I'll tell you that you feel, at least for me, I felt it in different ways.
And with my wife, I felt it in a way.
My way.
No, but I felt it in a way I never felt with anybody else.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then how did that manifest?
Because I remember a guy friend of mine said to me once something like very simple.
Second date.
Oh, wow.
Second date, I was like, yeah, I'm going to fall in love with this woman.
Second date.
How did you know?
Like, was it just energy, wasn't conscious?
I wanted to listen to everything she had to say, and I want to share everything that I had with her.
And I think that was it.
That wasn't even like on some like.
I wanted to listen to her.
Well, by the way, this is what I mean.
This is like a guy friend of mine who's like, you know, gets sketches.
That's a beautiful story.
I almost started crying.
And then you were like, I just wanted to listen to it.
This shit felt like the first Chrysler rose for a second.
Everyone's crying for the first time in my life.
I found a woman interested.
I was got emotional.
Clearly, that not everybody has fallen in love yet, but it's okay.
My mom was in seven-day hospice.
She was on her seventh day of fucking home hospice.
This bitch.
Are you comparing your dying mom to my wife right now?
No, I'm just saying the crying in the roast seems to be a sticking point for everybody.
Yeah, yeah.
Which is like the my mom was in seven days of hospice, so I'm at fucking Kaiser Permanente, which fuck that place.
By the way, I have umbrella insurance.
I can, I'm protected.
So I went to Kaiser Permanente once.
And look how bored he gets when it's like not just him.
It's not the second date.
That's what happened.
I'm saying she's fighting in love with you with me.
What do you want to do?
I'm not in love with her.
I love her.
I know.
Yeah.
I love her.
I care about you and I care about your well-being and I want everything to work out for you.
And I will help you if you ever need anything.
I mean that sincerely.
Thank you.
And you don't even trust it because so many people have fucked you over in life or something like that.
No, I do trust it.
That's not true at all.
I like you're very close to me.
Give me like Irish boxer.
No, I care about you deeply and I want everything to work out.
So for me, that is love.
But being in love with somebody as says happened a few times in my life.
Yeah.
And the last time was the most profound version of it.
But do you feel like that the amount of time like you knew on the second date, do you think that you can still love someone the way you love Emma, but not know that soon?
Do you know what I mean?
Like, do you think it's like for love to happen?
Does it have to be that soon?
Is my question.
Because sometimes I'll be with someone for like six or seven months and I'm like, do I just give it more time?
I love my wife way more now than I did on our second date.
That's so cool.
But there was something that happened.
There was something that happened on the second date where I was like, whoa, this is different than anything I've ever experienced.
Has there ever been a fight where you're like, or a thing, you're like, I don't know.
No.
There's been difficulties, of course.
But there's never been a thing where like, I don't love this person anymore.
Right.
Stop loving them.
Was there something that you did differently with her where it's like with other people, like in a fight or whatever, for lack of a better word, you'd be like, oh, that's bullshit.
But with her, you just like acted differently.
Not necessarily.
But I also think it's not just, I don't know, I think that I don't feel in fights that it's over ever.
Right, right, right.
She makes me feel.
There's something that she does not in the fight, outside of the fight.
And I hope that there's something I do outside of the fight that makes us feel like, hey, this thing sucks.
We need to fucking work this out.
I'm being a little immature motherfucker.
She's being an immature motherfucker.
But it doesn't feel like it's kind of over.
I feel like it's nice for me.
For me, I think that's kind of love when you feel like you're fighting for something instead of fighting with someone and you're like on the same team, even though, because to me, like in fights, I'll instantly be like the biggest lover just leaving.
Yeah, but that's so it's like you go to that, but that's like you got to stay in the fear.
But that doesn't come from a lack of love.
That comes from insecurity and emotional immaturity.
Yeah.
But I used to get with like, I love my wife so much, but when I was less mature emotionally, there were five B fights where I'd be like, I don't know if this is worth it.
And now, and I think you'll know when you're in love because when you're in love, you're like, this sucks.
Yeah.
Let's just do this.
We're going to deal with this.
It's going to be okay.
Yeah.
But this is.
Don't define the love by the fights.
Yeah.
I think that's the biggest issue.
Well, I guess for me, it's like, I always felt like love, it's not about what it's like when things are going well.
It's about when things are hard.
No, no, no.
It's not about when it's going well.
How much fun is it when it's going well?
That's what I think keeps you together.
I guess I just haven't had a fun life yet.
Like I also was, people are like, you have intimacy issues.
You don't want to be with someone.
It's like, I didn't want to be with someone when I had a mom hanging off of a thing.
Like I was engaged to a guy I met off, Raya.
Awesome dude.
And when we started planning the wedding, I just couldn't like, you know, picture my mom in a wheelchair and like who was going to walk me down the aisle.
Like, I just couldn't.
Yeah.
You know, so now that she's dead, I feel like I couldn't.
I understand what you mean now when you say either you feel free.
It's just like there's a point where you realize like, am I my mother's daughter?
Am I my own person?
And I guess I never got to be my own person just because I was in the shadow of her illness.
Authentic Advice vs Smart Justification00:04:40
I think you suffer from being too smart sometimes, where I think that you can like intellectualize every aspect of your behavior and find a justification for it somewhere.
I think that's what we do as stand-ups, but when you turn on yourself, like we're these, you know, analysts, like you almost need to be able to like shut your brain off and just be, you know, to quote liver king primal for a second.
I'm trying, dude.
Dude, I'm doing two hobbies now.
I'm taking on two hobbies that I'm not allowed to turn into businesses.
Awesome example because like you're trying so hard to just be a human.
It's retarded.
And like you're like, I'm going to have a hobby.
No, it's another one.
Because I also became a comic.
Like I knew I was like growing up like being a comic is your most authentic state.
I genuinely mean that.
Yeah.
Like I think being a person is way harder for you.
You grew up in alcoholic home.
That's what you are.
You're a comic.
You're making people laugh.
You're like literally getting people drinking.
This is you.
This is you being in this kind of manic state, making things funny, like roasting, having great ideas, putting them together.
Always have to have nine backup plans for jokes.
But what makes you so good at this is what makes life so difficult.
And also growing up with in an alcoholic home, like if you're scatter, they're scatter brain.
So me being all over the place like is linear to them.
Same.
I grew up in an alcoholic house and there's a lot of peacemaking and just making sure everybody's just not.
You're the mediator.
You have to shapeshift.
You have to be a chameleon, like narcissist.
You have to like, you know, and then also defining yourself through your productivity and usefulness to others and like entertaining people.
And like, and then as you get older, it's just like annoying.
Like you're just the annoying people pleaser who like won't turn off, you know, kind of thing.
But I think, yeah, it's weird because I got on the TV.
I remember as a kid going like, I have to get in the box.
Like I saw happy families in the box and I was like, your family value what was in the box.
Well, yeah.
Well, my dad, like they would watch TV.
Yeah.
And I watched it.
But I would, commercials is what I wanted, though.
I didn't even want to be in movies.
I want to be in commercials.
Wow.
That's where the happy families were.
I was like, I got to get there, dude.
That's where the fucking food is on the dinner table.
Everybody's hat.
Dude, the fridge is like, how do I get in there?
I would literally drive by like on like whatever family trips and there would be like an exit for a McDonald's and everybody like let's get off at McDonald's.
All I would see is like, how did that, why is that kid eating the fries?
Like I could do that.
Can I be honest with you?
Yeah.
I think that there's a perfect example of you intellectualizing a situation, but that's not the real reason.
I think that your dad watched that TV and that was the most important thing in his life.
How do I get his attention?
And I need to get in there to get his attention, his validation.
And that is often what children do.
The only reason I started boxing or enjoy boxing or did a boxing, I did a boxing match is because I knew how much my dad loved boxing.
My dad gave me all the validation.
And even with all the validation from my dad, maybe this would impress him even more.
And he was so impressed and it felt so good.
So it's like we subconsciously are drawn to the things that our parents really care about.
Even if we resent our parents, we still want their validation.
But you didn't, because it's equate, like a reptilian race.
See how smart you are.
You're like, you create this perfect, beautiful story of like, there's a family eating McDonald's and I want that.
No, you don't.
Yeah.
You would have been a commercial actress if you did.
But you created great.
I got to commercial to save my life.
I went and they always said I sounded sarcastic.
I'd be like, try Tide with Bleach.
It's the best for your tide.
McDonald's, it's super good.
Yeah, like I believe that, girl.
I know.
They always said I was too sarcastic.
Your dad would change the channel.
You're like, come on.
I finally got in.
It's also like the jury's still out if I'm the progressive lady or not.
So maybe I am a commercial actress.
But it's wild, though, because I was like, that's where the love is.
You're lesbian and trans now.
You are the progressive.
I'm very progressive.
Now you're off birth control.
You are flowing.
You are flowing.
That's perfect.
It's so hard.
It's so hard.
Out there.
And I was like, should I take a Prozac before I go in?
I was also on Prozac and I just went off it like willy-nilly.
I was like, I don't want to be on any of this pharma shit.
I've also been under the influence of like pharma, birth control.
Hold on.
So, how do you get?
So a person like you is, you know, usually smarter than most of the people around you.
Right.
I mean, let's just assume, right?
It's hard to take advice from people around you if you're like, I don't know if these people are smarter than me.
Probably most of the people around you, you're more successful than so.
Like, why would I take advice from any of these motherfuckers?
But what happens if those people have good advice that would help you reflect on your life and maybe make your life easier?
Yeah.
Would you push them away or would you be willing to digest it?
I think it depends.
I think when someone's giving you advice, you can usually tell if they're like authentic.
Yeah, if they really are trying to solve the problem or like show off or project.
It seems like sometimes the people with their lives that are in most disarray are the ones that want to give the most advice.
Sometimes annoying, isn't it?
Yeah, just sort of like you like, or someone that's trying to control you or they want you to like owe them in some way.
Shirley Temple Reward Matrix00:02:46
You know, I think we're in this sort of like as a species, like everyone's an expert in everything now.
And I read this book and I watched this TED Talk and you're like, can you just tell me what you think I should do?
Like I don't need you to quote nine fake experts.
You know what's interesting is you're, this is almost like the downside of getting successful young is you did so much work you couldn't really work on you and also stuff with your mom.
The one upside of, and I'm not saying I'm well adjusted, one upside of me getting successful so much later or somewhat successful so much later is I had a lot of time with no work so I could just work on me.
Yeah, yeah.
And I'm not saying I'm well adjusted now, but I'm way better off than I was.
I spent so much time like child stars why it's so difficult for me.
Yeah.
And like shape-shifting and stuff like where someone's like, what do you want to eat?
And I'm like, I don't know.
Like I just called up in like a reward matrix.
I have to figure that out.
Yeah, the Hollywood reward matrix is really distorting.
So it's like.
Also, as soon as my mom died, I was able to process a lot of the fucked up Hollywood shit because I think I had to be in so denial with the Stockholm syndrome with Hollywood because it was like the key to getting her love and my dad's love that I was like, I couldn't see the dark side of it.
Well, maybe it was familiar because it's very similar to an abusive.
I mean, it's weird.
I have this obsession with Shirley Temple because it's like when people are like, is Hollywood creepy?
I'm like, you guys, this is a business built on the back of a four-year-old toddler named Shirley Temple who was wearing little mini skirts.
And she was four when she was in her first movie where she's like at war with soldiers, like on their laps, like not a mom in sight.
There's no nanny in the story.
It's just, there's just a baby with dimples like dancing for soldiers.
So if she was four in the movie, that means she was cast at like two or three.
And then if she was cast at two or three, if she got the job, that means there were like a hundred other babies that auditioned that people were like not cute enough.
And then there was a costume designer.
Like I watched the movie and I'm just like, someone sewed this little gingham plaid diaper cover.
Like the way that the skirts perfectly like come up.
And there's a video called Good Ship Lollipop and it's her doing a dance for these like men.
I've never watched that ever.
It's just you just ruined Shirley Temple for that.
Never watched a single thing of hers.
Thank God.
Dude, her blackface, there's a movie where she's in blackface, it is Trudeau level precision.
It's wild.
Like we owe this bitch an apology.
And like I just think about her because I'm like, this is something that we, we're like Shirley Temple.
We order a Shirley Temple and we're like, oh, this is this child that was just kind of a stripper.
There's videos called Baby Burlesque and it's her in diapers and another baby just making out and dancing.
It's like it's fucking wild.
Brooke Shields is doing like nude.
Dude Lagoon.
Lagoon dude is wild.
She like has her first blood and she's 14 and they're fucking on a rock.
Like that's kind of like whatever.
But like Shirley Temple dude and all these like child stars, all this like Hannah Montana shit.
Placebo Dose and Dangerfield00:08:28
Like what are we doing?
So I'm curious, would you ever take a hiatus?
Yeah, I've actually, I am kind of now.
Like, I'm not going to tour in the fall because touring is my favorite thing in the world to do, but it's like doing all this other shit.
I kind of want just want to, like, after specials.
I don't know if you ever do this.
I like to take like six months, like, not doing stand-up just to make sure I'm not doing a bad impression of myself.
I'm not trying to like make vestiges of the previous special work just because I still think that's the biggest problem a lot of comics do.
I'm only doing mothership.
I'm going to mothership next week.
Yeah.
By the way, the best thing that ever happened to comedy is Joe Rogan taking mushrooms.
I mean, incredible.
Amen.
Amen.
But no, I think that's just.
I'm working on two hobbies that I can't turn into businesses and I can't post on social media.
I am learning to fence.
Fencing is so fun.
Yes.
And so fun.
Keep the neighbors.
So Ivy League of you.
That's not, it's barely Ivy League.
She's just trying to keep the neighbors out.
Are you building fences?
Is that what she named?
Don't look at me.
My gun's not loaded.
I need to use my sword.
Fencing and what?
Dude, if a stalker showed up at my house, and I was just like, ungod.
Never mind.
And then target practice.
Like, I saw you were doing the bow hunting with Joe.
Was that fun?
Yeah.
It's hard as shit.
To pull the bow back.
Yeah.
It's really difficult.
And this is really dorky, but I am going to start making quilts.
That's beautiful.
Now, is it possible to do those three things and not tell anybody about them on podcasts?
Can they just based on how well that went, I think it's the last I ever mention it.
Because I do think I have like it does go well.
It is really funny.
You're going to have all these great stories.
But can you from the quilting, the adventures in quilting?
Yeah.
Because you know what?
I think for me, I have this thing in my head where if I'm doing something that's recreational, I feel like I'm falling behind.
Or I like if I'm watching a movie, I have to go make it work.
I have to be what?
I mean, what you're saying, I think a lot of people would relate to.
But I also think being a comic, it's like just moving through the world and you're like, oh, what's funny about these?
Like, what's fun?
There's a joke.
Like, it's just, it's hard to turn off sometimes.
But if I'm doing one thing that's kind of like a monotonous task, I can kind of be present.
Yeah.
It's like the fidget spinner 101.
Yeah.
Like if I feel like I can be productive in one way, then I can luxuriate.
It's just maybe that's something I need to fix about myself.
I went on Prozac, like, which I don't know.
It's probably more a placebo effect that it made me feel like I was able to be a little more calm.
I was prescribed Adderall, five milligrams of Adderall.
You do not need Adderall.
By the way, no, but for a true OCD, it calms you down.
It doesn't amp you up.
It was five.
It's the opposite of it.
It was the opposite.
So he prescribed me five milligrams of Adderall.
What is it when it's time release?
To sleep.
To sleep.
Because I can't sleep.
But a lot.
I can't sleep either.
And then, by the way, I said to him, well, there's something about that that's interesting.
I said to him, I was like, I took Adderall.
I think it's working.
And he was like, well, I do have to tell you that it's a placebo dose.
Five milligrams of Adderall was like most people use it for kids.
So it's intentionally a placebo dose.
I'm like, well, what's the point of telling me?
It's like a placebo if you tell me it's a placebo.
What law is that?
But the fact that they made it a placebo dose because they knew kids would take it.
I mean, there's an Adderall shortage in California.
Yeah.
And no one gets anything done.
I'm like, what the fuck?
But the sleep thing, I like, there's a lot of good science.
I don't know what you guys call it around here.
Call Huberman.
I don't know.
Where Night Watcher DNA.
So a lot of us descend from Night Watchers.
So like in the tribes, there's everyone that would, you know, have like the daytime circadian rhythm and the people that would stay up and watch the tribe.
I can't believe you called us nerds for knowing facts and shit like that.
It is unbelievable.
I just like that.
That was probably your favorite episode of Flagrant because there was like numbers that you could attach to ideas.
I did take Lex Friedman to your weddings and then Lex got so wasted, stayed in my house, woke up the next morning to him just staring at my robot in my office.
Whoa.
How long did he think he was talking to you?
Yeah.
I think he was thrilled.
He was like, this, I can get like when he didn't interrupt me for 10 minutes.
I do need to figure out what to do with her because they're putting chat GPT in her.
So she's going to be able to like talk, but I'm like, I don't know.
I think I'm just going to give her the mothership to put in the fat man just hanging from the ceiling or something from a noose.
That's a good idea.
Because like in Rogan's New Club, you get to go under the stage.
It's like sick.
Like, doesn't it kind of feel like for a second, like, I don't know.
It's almost like, you know, when you go under in boxing when you're about to go out.
Oh, yeah, you're ring walking.
Yeah, you're just like, it feels like a little bit like you're under and then you go up.
Like, I kind of want to put her to the top of the ceiling, like looking down.
That'd be kind of wild.
Or something.
Or just seater in the balcony, just have one secret chest.
Yes, yes.
That's fun.
But also, whatever happened, because I brought him, I was at Mothership like two weeks ago and I brought him some Rodney Dangerfield sets and Joan Dangerfield came with me.
Whatever happened to the Rodney Dangerfield set I gave you?
I don't know.
Wait, a set?
What?
Wait, what do you mean a set?
So I did.
This is a great gift.
You gave me a great gift.
Yes, but I was working at Rodney Dangerfield, like the way that he wrote out his sets, like on the tonight show, he would like write out the joke exactly.
Like the top would say like, great crowd, like two exclamation points.
Like he wrote, it was like, it's heartbreaking.
Anchorman.
With that?
It was like Anchorman.
He would say exactly what was written.
And then he would do like a B, an A, like everything that he wrote was like, if he got an applause break, if he got an applause break, he didn't think he deserved.
If he needed to work on something, like he had all these like codes and stuff.
Also, I've been spending a lot of time.
Stop, stop.
My favorite.
Hold on.
Stay on the story.
Oh, I've been spending a lot of time with you.
No, Stay on the Rodney Dangerfield thing.
Did you think that was going well?
No, it doesn't matter if it was going well.
We're listening.
We're going to give you a weighted blanket.
Okay.
Hold on, hold on.
So you gave me a page from one of his tonight show sets.
And it was a great gift.
Yes.
And even if none of us are dying laughing, when we're listening, it's really valuable.
But wait, I was going to say.
So real quick, one of my favorite jokes ever is a Dangerfield joke.
Tell me.
He goes, I'm so ugly I only get girls because of who I am.
A rapist.
So good.
So tight.
So tight.
You know what I mean?
So good.
You know that he would, after shows, get beat up in the parking lot.
No way.
By whom?
Just like, you know, I mean, comedy back then was in strip clubs, like, you know, Atlantic City, cat skills.
Like, we think about like comedians being a little bit more.
But it was so self-deprecating.
Why would anybody beat him up?
Of course he would say, like, your wife is ugly.
And this is like, you know, people were just like, he would say, my wife is ugly.
But it's why we just saw Chris Rocket punch in the face for making a joke about G.I. Jane.
I mean, it's like, I don't think the people that are doing the attacking are particularly sane.
They're jealous.
He's getting attention.
Who knows?
Right.
You know, it's like back then it was like, you know, because I was going to maybe do a movie about Joan Rivers and looking back through footage of like opaque smoke in these venues.
Yeah.
Like we, you, we did stand-up when there was inside smoking.
I feel like for like maybe like, I went to like Lexington, Kentucky once, and I was like, whoa, people were smoking inside.
And I was like, this is so fucking wild.
That's kind of cool, though.
Yeah.
It is, but like, you would get Vegas voice, like, Joan Rivers started getting super cool.
It'll get dry.
And she also had like four miscarriages.
Like, imagine.
Mushrooms are like that.
Which one?
Oh, dude, every comedy right now sucks because everyone's stoned out of their minds.
Oh, really?
Comedy's supposed to be like a little bit of alcohol.
You have some tension, but now everyone's just like chilling.
There's like, you know, I think we need to make weed illegal in LA.
It's not working.
Really?
I think smoking is fine, but these edibles where everyone's just kind of like everyone's on fucking edibles or mushrooms.
Everyone's healing.
All these white people are hitting me.
Have you tried mushrooms?
I have.
I did on a live podcast.
I love them.
Yeah.
But I don't think it's like.
Have you tried mushrooms?
Hold on one second.
Hold on one second.
That's funny.
Hold on one second.
You know what you're doing right now?
What?
You ever seen somebody go down a hill on a skateboard?
Someone said this made this exact thing.
Michael Chicklis on my podcast the other day.
Oh.
He said talking to you is like downhilling.
No.
You're going down the hill, but you're in a speed wobble.
So we all just need to take a moment.
But I think you actually just slowed down.
You take it.
We were at the same pace, and then you got tired.
You got tied tired.
You think I got tired?
Well, you wore yourself out.
And now.
Is there another option, maybe?
You decided to switch gears.
What do you think?
What do you think another option?
But no, I was just thinking in terms of you're being.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
I'm going to give you a big hug.
Stop.
Why is everyone...
Why?
Stop, You're going to get her in her head.
Say something?
Do you see what's happening?
Listen, listen, let's have a look at this.
Can I just take this?
Can I just take this?
Sure, both.
Starting Comedy in Austin Scenes00:03:51
Can I say?
Okay.
Yes.
So.
Is this your way?
You can tell.
I know what everyone likes to think about me.
I don't care what anybody thinks about you.
Okay.
I don't give a fuck.
Do you want to go into the...
No.
Okay.
Me slowing down is not a function of me being tired of you.
I was just joking.
I thought that's what we did here.
Just trying to make sure the comments aren't too savage.
Fuck them.
Dumb I'll take.
Unfunny is where I draw the line.
Fuck them.
No, I just wanted to, I just wanted to slow down the pace so that you would feel comfortable.
But I feel like if I was just going 100%, then you would have to be defensive.
So maybe if I was just chilling and just asking you questions I really want to know about you, then we'd all be able to chill.
I like this.
What's happening here?
What do you want to, do you want to ask something?
I will.
Where are you going, Mark?
I got a pee really fast.
Okay, good.
I mean, these, I think these Zins should be outlawed.
Those are awesome.
Can I say that?
It feels like a lot of energy quick, and then it kind of.
Whitney, can I ask you a question about stand-up?
Do you think, because you've played the mothership already, right?
Do you think the opportunity for young comics is greatest now in Austin?
If you're going to compare to LA and New York, I'm not talking about people at our level.
I'm talking about you're going to start comedy.
You're moving to a city to start comedy.
You didn't grow up there.
Sure.
Where would you go?
And do you think that Austin is like a real viable candidate?
I think Austin is a real viable candidate, but if you're not yet in the orb of Rogan, it's probably a bust.
So give me a pound for pound.
I mean, LA was like, for me, I made it New York in terms of the number of spots I was able to do.
You know, I was doing 12 spots a night in LA.
Like, you can do it if you really, you know, you got to drive.
Like, you know, LA or New York, you were doing 12 spots apart.
I made LA like New York.
Like, I went to Hermosa.
I did like, you know, because the comedy store, you can do three a night and then laugh out.
And so I just like scheduled it out where I was able to do it.
And then there were rooms.
Like LA had like rooms, like bowling alleys and sushi restaurants.
I mean, it was a nightmare, but like in a way, I actually am like so grateful for that.
Because like New York, I feel like at least when I came out here, didn't have a lot of that.
There was like Village Lantern and like some restaurants that had stand-up, but we were doing stand-up like literally in bowling alleys.
Like you have to time the first when they hit the pins.
New York had like a robust alternative comedy scene.
Oh yeah, like Rafifi.
So huge.
And then what happened is as alternative comedy became more popular, those comics started getting booked in the clubs.
So their comedy just wasn't celebrated by the clubs just yet since we weren't there.
So they built their own scene.
It was awesome.
And then they started getting booked at the clubs and then the scene just isn't as robust as it used to be.
There's still people who do shows and like have different rooms that are like scheduled rooms.
Like your boy has a room.
What is it?
7th Street?
Yeah, 7th Street.
It's like this awesome little club.
Sesh is another one.
We're literally like they just found like a basement in like the Lower East Side and then gutted it, put a bunch of chairs in a stage.
And they treat it like a club.
Like they're in LA shows.
I'm so grateful that I came up in LA because we did a lot of comedy in just like outside in parking lots, like, you know, laundromats, like just crazy shit, you know, and like to be able to like have to, I mean, there was Miyagi's, which was a sushi restaurant where we would do stand-up.
This is when Duncan Trussell was doing the, he had a dummy like Lil Bobo.
Yeah, yeah.
And would madness.
And on Tuesday nights, it was like basically urban social media.
So she did a great hang, by the way.
We need to get Duncan on the pod.
By the way, we hung out with him over at the Mothership Anglo-Chinese.
Yeah, he's so interesting.
Horse Ashes and Urban Social Media00:15:36
Great wealth of knowledge, has like really good perspective.
He's very also secure in the way he talks.
Very generous energy, too.
Like he doesn't need to dominate the room.
Good listener.
He's a good hang.
And he's good at like sticking the landing on his conversations.
Like for me, I think what you see with me that a lot of people conflate with manic, if like, if I feel myself going in a direction that I know is like not going to pay off in a way that's like, I'm like, I'll pivot.
You know what I mean?
I'll be like, let's kind of go this way.
Can we do for the rest of the pod?
Can you just keep going down that direction?
And trust that I'm on my podcast, but I think on other people's, I just try to like come in swinging and pop in because I know.
But we did that already.
I know, but I think when you're on someone else's, like they're not tuning in for the guests.
Like they're tuning in for you guys and your reaction to it.
Maybe it's a combination.
But stop thinking about necessarily what they're going to think or what they're going to be interested in because I think the curiosity comes from like what the people that you're watching, right?
So if we're genuinely curious about what you're saying, we want that information gap closed.
And you just run somewhere else with it.
Now that you can't close that information, now I'm frustrated.
I think because also I have this, like, before I answer a question, there's like usually a way I need to like set the table.
So it's like when you said about like the I love you thing, I'm like, well, the background is that I feel like love, that word was used in a very hypocritical way growing up.
You know, it's like it would be, but I love you.
You would get hit.
You know, your mom would forget to take you to school and it'd be like, but I love you.
So you only heard I love you when things were bad.
Ooh, so now you're a little bit concerned.
So now when it's I love you, it's like, oh, what's, you know, so it just like had like a Pavlovian response that I would have to rewire with EMDR or whatever.
Or it's also like, you know.
It's hard.
I take that shit out.
Golly.
Is that that you put in your mouth?
In your like a nicotine pouch.
It was just burning.
But oh, I thought it was a patch that you did as like a stick.
All right, go on.
And so, and it's also like in relationships, I've been in relationships with guys or, you know, that it turns into like, but I love you.
And then it's love you.
Like it, or it's, but I love you.
I love it.
It like I love you turns into like, shut up.
It's basically like, I love you.
I love you.
I hate the situation.
Yeah, I love you.
I love you.
Calm down.
Don't be manipulated.
Yeah.
So it's just like, I think that like, to me, it's just, I'm really big.
It's the same thing with Louis did those jokes about, you know, the word hilarious.
People will be like, that's hilarious.
Like when words have lost their value, we're wordsmiths.
I know that's dorky, but like when a word has lost its value, I always want to find a new one because it feels basic or something.
Like, you know, like it just sort of love feels a little bit like mainstream.
I don't know.
No, it's, I mean, it's a human thing.
If love doesn't carry weight your whole life, it's not going to carry weight to you.
Yeah, and then everyone else has their own experience with it.
Like I did a joke about this.
Who do you love?
That's a lot.
I love human.
I deeply love all my friends.
I love you.
Okay.
I love everyone in my life.
Who else?
Everyone you've seen in my feed.
Well, just say the thing, say the people you love.
I love Leslie.
Who's Leslie?
Who's my housekeeper?
She's been with me for 16 years.
I had a housekeeper before I had anyone else.
Stop.
Stop, stop.
Who else do you love?
That was good.
That was necessary.
Who else do you love?
Yeah, I think that's important to know.
Who else?
What are you digging for?
And I'll give it to you.
It's shocking, the lack of trust.
I'm not digging for anything.
I just want to go over the people that you love.
Nikki Kenodia, my best friend from college.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Yeah.
Who else?
Lizzie Goodman, my best friend from college.
One of my best friends from college.
I mean, I can go on, but it's this.
I also love all the guys I dated.
Like, I have no, like, I still love my ex-Alex, Nick Curzon, my, I think you've met Nick, one of my oldest friends ever.
Like, all the men I've dated, I still really love and have good relationships with.
That's pretty awesome.
Yeah.
Like, there's, if someone's, like, like, not in their ex, I'm like, you're the one that's a little bit more difficult.
Well, sometimes it's difficult.
You know, a lot of times people handle rejection in different ways.
Yeah.
And I imagine you've broken out with a lot of the people, so it's hard to not.
But also, I was estranged from my sister for almost 30 years.
Now you guys are friends again.
I mean, it's a kind of love that I like, I didn't even know existed.
Yeah.
And you think that's reciprocated a lot?
Yeah.
I mean, we've had like a lot of trauma.
I mean, I've never even heard of this.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
So there's all these people you love and all these people love you.
That's pretty cool.
Yeah.
And they don't want anything from you.
They don't need anything from you.
They just love you.
You know, I was thinking about that.
That's pretty nice.
Despite all the fucked up shit that you went through in your life, despite these fucked up relationships you grew up with.
Couldn't be happier.
No, no, not about happy.
Despite all those things that could interrupt your ability to be loved and love people, you got a lot of people who love you.
Well, I think that the key in my best friend Nick.
Don't explain it.
Don't explain it.
You're going to get your heart broken.
Don't explain it.
Just take it in.
Just take it in.
But I agree.
Stop trying to sell it.
So, what do you want me to say, though?
Just being a nerd with your facts.
Just take it in.
Don't be a nerd with your facts.
But I'm going to say a quote that resonated with me.
Yeah, by saying that.
Just give it a second.
Just give a, just, we love you.
Even if you just took a beat and took it in.
You love people.
There's a lot of love over here.
Everything's good.
We're Christians on this podcast.
But if I do too much eye contact, I will probably get emotional.
That's okay.
It's okay to get emotional.
No, I know, but, you know.
What would you get emotional?
I go to Barstool Sports after this.
You know what I mean?
I can't have all the melt of shellac.
No, but what do you mean you would get emotional?
I'm just talking the ground.
Don't let her out of this.
Don't let her out of this.
What do you mean you would?
No, I think it's like it's, it's, I've been, you know.
Do you want me to cry?
I don't want you to cry.
I can't cry.
I want to feel real emotions from you.
If that's happiness, that's great.
If it's sadness, it's great.
If you're crying, like, I just want to, you know.
Do you can I as someone who he definitely loves you, he talks about, you talked about years ago.
I think he just wants to showcase the human you that he knows and loves.
I think we can get so sorry to interrupt you.
Go, Here's the thing.
I just think that, I don't know, I think that we can get so caught up, especially in our business, about like how we're perceived by a lot of times people we don't know and then lose sight of how we're perceived by the people that we do know and we care about.
And then we maybe almost take that shit for granted.
And I do that all the time.
Maybe I'll come in, I'll be frustrated or whatever.
And like sometimes I like to take a second and be like, wow, man, like we got a bunch of guys that are working on this podcast that like have really fucking busy lives and their own relationships and everybody's coming in to work on this one thing so that we can all be successful and they're like sacrificing they're having time.
Like we hung out for Alex's birthday on Friday and it was like so much fun to like celebrate someone else, right?
We can get so focused on our own lives.
It's so much fun to celebrate someone else, get drunk, be silly, make fun of each other.
And it was just a great thing that we weren't filming it.
We weren't making content.
It was just guys hanging out and girl, shout out to Tanya, hanging out and enjoying that.
And I think that that's, I don't know, I think it's really important that we get caught up in that and not necessarily what someone in the comments is going to say about it.
I think that.
Love you, dude.
I love you.
And I think you, I think a lot of people sort of think this about me, maybe because of social media or something.
But like right after my mom died, I had someone that was posting on my social media, like for me, and I kind of like forgot about it.
I'm like grieving.
Like, you know, I take like a month.
I'm totally off social media.
And people start, Annie Letterman, Jesse Maypluso, Tim Dylan, just show up at my house unannounced.
And they're like, we're worried about you.
And I'm like, what do you mean?
Like, we just were worried you're not processing the grief or something.
Like, what are you at?
Like, I'm editing the roast.
I'm working.
I'm reuniting with my sister.
I rescued two more horses to do equine therapy.
I'm like, totally like being the most person I've ever been.
And you know what I mean?
Like, I'm just like, I'm really feeling my feelings and, you know, with the mom stuff, you know?
And.
So is it frustrating?
Well, it was also, by the way, have you ever seen ashes of a person?
Dude, I found a button in her ashes.
What was it?
What was it?
I'll show you the video.
I don't know what it was.
No one knows what it was.
It was like a little, we were scooping the ashes, which, by the way, ashes, it's not, they don't.
Stop, stop, stop.
Come back.
Come back, come back.
Don't do your ashes material.
I just want to hear about, I want to hear about your friends.
But I'm telling you, I'm grieving.
I'm doing everything I can.
I'm caring about you.
That's what I want to hear about.
Yeah, they show up, which by the way.
It's probably frustrating and it was probably annoying.
No, it wasn't.
I was kind of like, because a lot of people were talking about that they were worried about me and, you know.
What an awesome thing.
I know, I agree.
People care.
And they're willing to take time out of their busy days.
Just like call me.
It's interesting.
It's also, you invite me to dinner.
Yeah.
Also, it's like you're not.
Do you feel like there wasn't enough?
No, it was just like, I think that people think I'm so busy all the time because of social media or something.
Everyone's like, I know you're busy.
I know you're busy.
I'm like, I make time.
I make my own schedule.
Like, I can do whatever I want.
So you felt like there wasn't enough personal connectivity.
No, I think that comics, like, it's, you know, we're vampires.
And I think that, you know, I'm the same way.
I know I, I, you said who came over?
It was Annie, Tim.
Annie, Tim, three of my dearest friends.
And who else?
Jesse Mae Peluso.
I like to talk to Annie and Jesse May regularly, but I talked to Tim and I know Tim really cares about it.
I'd love him to death.
So just know that.
I know.
If he took time out of his busy fucking schedule, it's because he fucking cared for me.
And we had a similar mom thing where you have this mom that's alive that sort of, you know, breaks her heart if she, you know, can't live with her, can't live without her kind of thing.
So it meant so much to me that they showed up.
Good.
And then I kind of was like, oh, am I giving off a vibe that I'm not available to hang?
Because I feel like I'm always like trying to get to it.
No, you're giving off a vibe that you're fucking falling apart because you bought two horses.
Rescued, bought.
I'm not paying money for horses.
I'm not like, what kind of Santa Barbara shit are you on?
Get the fuck out of here.
Nightmare.
I did look into the price of a horse.
I got the uppercrest.
You can get them for cheap, these horses.
No, I can get them to you for free.
No, don't, don't get a $1,400 horse.
Either $200,000 or free.
There's no in between on a horse.
Really?
Yeah, that's some fucking...
Nice $1,400 horse.
No.
When I was up in Calgary, I was looking into that.
No, the $1,400 horse is like a girl horse.
I was going to shit.
No.
I was going to say a $1,400 horse is like a $3,500 car.
What's wrong with that?
It's fine.
I'm just saying.
It's not going to run.
I'll get you there.
Maybe.
Not that I race the fucking thing, but, you know, can I go walk around circles or whatever horses do?
No, but I think I'm trying to ascertain because I feel like I'm better than I've ever been.
And I think I also going off birth control, you get so, I had so much energy.
And then after my spots at the comedy store, I used to go straight to my mom's nursing home and have to like, you know, do some gnarly shit every day.
I think you're going through a lot.
And I think it's really cool that you have friends that care about you enough to show up and just be like, hey, how are you feeling?
Are you good?
And I know in that moment, it's easy to reject it.
You know, like, I know once I was.
No, I was just trying to understand how I'm perceived.
Let me tell you a story.
Okay.
I remember we were doing this Netflix special and I was really stressed out because there was a mistake in it.
And I was taking Adderall.
And I kind of yelled at everybody.
And Mark called me later that night and he was like, hey, man, how you doing?
And I was like, I'm good.
And I felt a little frustrated at first because I thought he was trying to manipulate me.
I thought he was like, hey, man, would you say that?
Do you think it makes you paranoid?
No, no, no.
I didn't understand it.
He was like, hey, I just want to let you know, we care about you and you're great.
And we love you, man.
And I just checked in to make sure you're okay.
And my first reaction is, is he trying to like manipulate me?
What the fuck is going on?
And then I realized I'm reacting that way because I probably was feeling insecure because we were going to put this thing out and ultimately I was going to be judged for it.
Right.
And it was really nice that a friend, when I was in a fucked up situation and I was projecting those insecurities, that they came and just said, hey, man, thank you.
You know, I didn't react that way in the moment, but I understood it later.
So I guess what I'm saying is if you harbor any resentment for these friends coming to you, just know that they care and that's why they do it.
Yeah.
And I think that for me, it's like, as you get older, I think there's a way to care and you have to learn how to care properly with somebody.
Everybody cares differently.
Totally.
But judge them by their intent.
No, but I'm not, but I've already said that I'm not.
You're like trying to push this thing that I'm mad at them.
I'm not mad at them.
You said call me for dinner.
No, but I, but I just said, I was like, what's going on with us as a community that we stopped hanging out off camera to?
So I think that a lot of people are a lot of comedy, like plan times to hang out.
We have lives.
We have worlds that we want to do for you.
Totally, I'm just saying we're in a very high-risk profession.
And it used to be, I think, the way that we stayed sane was having offline conversations in the, you know, in the green room, in the hallway.
And now it's like, save it for the pod.
Like, we're monetizing all of our conversations like for public consumption, which is great.
It's healing a lot of people.
People love it.
Can I finish before you roll your eyes?
Can I finish before you roll your eyes?
So maybe it's more of an LA thing because of the number of comics that commit suicide, you know, and it's like after this won't make me cry after losing Brody.
Like, you know, I really check up on people hard.
You know, even people that I know have been shitty to me or like talk shit about me.
Cause I think that once you start gossiping about other comics, you're doing it to self-soothe.
It's an addiction because you hate yourself.
And if you're talking shit about me or if you hate me, whatever, then you hate yourself.
There's something else going on.
It's a problem that a lot of us do.
That's really mature of you, though.
You got to take the contrary action and just go.
It's like, if you, because I know how I feel about you and I know how much I want to support you and I know how much I care.
So if you're turning on me, you're turning on yourself.
And like we just have to hug harder.
But with the pandemic, I mean, it was kind of wild that, you know, because we're coworkers, first and foremost, you know, I think you think comedians are your family.
You feel, I felt really close.
I never had a family.
So I made comedians.
My family, the pandemic happens and you realize, oh, we're fucking strangers.
Like we just talk because we're at work together.
Like we have to, and I was just kind of like a little bit of a like naive on my part.
Or, oh, all the people, these people that fuck with me, like I can provide employment for them or they want something from me, which is great, which is great.
I love being used.
Like that's not being used.
If I can provide, like, I mean, a big part of doing the OnlyFans Roast is I just wanted to fucking employ comics.
I want to employ writers.
And they had so much money, you know, and I was able to pay comics a lot.
I was able to hire like 30 comics as writers in New York and LA.
Like, why not?
Like, comedy is just like, there's, as you were saying, but they're not using you.
They're also doing a job on their skills.
And you are giving them an opportunity to provide that.
Totally.
And it's mutual exchange, transactional, but I know what it's like.
And what a blessing to be able to do that for them.
But I know what it's like to be coming up and like want to send someone a packet or ask for a job.
I don't like, I'm like, give me your packet.
What are you doing right now?
I think you're really good about that.
Super proactive.
I think you're really good about that.
Because if you're funny, like, you know, all these like bullshit, like, I mean, I don't even know what the fuck I would do if I was starting comedy now.
Would you start TikTok?
Would you be like, there's no middle ground.
There's no, like, and this is part of the reason I really want to work with OnlyFans TV.
I want to break out like only comedy fans, like half hour specials.
Like people that aren't you, that can't, you know, necessarily do what you guys yet do, what you guys do yet, but like half hours, 15 minutes, like just being able to put specials out somewhere for free.
Like, what would you do?
What are people, are comics now waiting around to get on Fallon?
Like, what the fuck?
Put your content on online, yeah.
Yeah.
And yeah, I think you put your content online.
I think there's a lot of avenues for you to put it online for free.
But if it's only on your platform, like you have to rely on other people promoting you or getting on podcasts.
It's like.
Not really.
But I hear what you're saying.
I think what's cool about the way that you're saying is that like there's a financial incentive.
Like you can put money in people's pockets and for their hard-earned comedy, et cetera.
Like what I'm doing on OnlyFans for my profile, it's mine.
Instead of dirty photos and dirty videos, it's dirty jokes.
It's like jokes I kind of like, if I were to tell other places, I would like get in trouble or just like unnecessary like Twitter bullshit.
Competitive Lineup Success Stories00:16:20
And like after every show in every city, I do roast jokes about the city where I'll like go hard at the sports teams or whatever the fuck.
And then I put that on my OnlyFans profile.
And so it's like just jokes I can't do anywhere else.
So it's like comics could be making so much money doing that.
I love dick pics.
Like they're so, because I love, I'm obsessed with people's bathrooms and like dick pics.
Like I love to be like, Iris Bring has a shower.
Like I like to look in the background.
I love to look in the backgrounds of dick pics.
You learn so much.
It's like, because guys don't think about their backgrounds and you get a lot.
Like, do you ever so many dick pictures?
Yeah.
Let's go.
It's like a home tour for me.
Do you ever, when you're on a plane?
That's good when you send Winnie a dick pics.
She's like, who's your contractor?
Yeah.
Do you ever walk up and down a plane to see what everybody's watching?
No.
That's like my number one way to just kind of fun.
Just be like, what's going on in the Zeitgeist?
What are people actually doing?
I'm normally sitting in the back, so I get a pretty good vantage point.
I'm like you.
You have to actually trek all the way back there where I'm sitting.
I'm just flying rows of parks.
Yeah, basically.
But so I'll walk up and down because it's like, you know, we delude ourselves into being like, everybody watches succession.
Everybody watches this show and this show.
And then you walk up and down like, you know, fucking sport.
It's just friends, friends, you know, what is it?
Fucking Big Bang theory.
It's just all sort of like that kind of shit.
So you had these like great intimate relationships, friendships with comics.
And then something happened where you felt like it wasn't as not with the guys you mentioned, but maybe with other people where it wasn't as pure or familial as you think about it.
I think that it's such a.
You're not the only person to bring this up to me.
Yeah, no, no, no.
I think that there's such a deep scarcity complex.
I think the type of person that attracts to comedy is already going to be very competitive.
I also have a theory that like I break down people in my life from people that played team sports and people that didn't.
But don't talk about that.
I know, but I'm just saying, like I can, like the people that didn't, don't play team sports, it's like me versus you all the time, where I always see it as a team.
I think you see it as a team.
You all rise, like the ships rise together.
Rogan sees everything as a team.
I asked Rogan about it.
I was like, where did this come from?
Because you're like a deeply competitive dude.
Like deeply competitive, dude.
And I was like, well, why are you so like supportive of everybody?
Well, it's also there's an arrogance in knowing like, I know none of these motherfuckers are going to eclipse me.
Okay.
Maybe.
Bern Chrysler, I think I can give him a platform.
I think I'll be okay.
But maybe, but maybe, maybe it's, I don't know, someone else.
You know what I mean?
Like, maybe it's not that.
So I asked him and he was like, yeah, it's all martial arts.
I go, what do you mean?
He goes, we're like doing jujitsu.
And like a guy is trying to literally choke me out.
He's trying to stop me from breathing.
And he's my teammate.
And he's going to help me get better at this.
And he's like, yeah, if I didn't have that background to understand that like everybody can get better while also competing with one another.
Because I think a lot of times people from very competitive industries, they think like, oh, I have to silence that person, stop that person.
You saw this happen in Hollywood a lot where it's just like, oh, this person fucked me over.
Well, no, they get nothing.
And the reality doesn't have to be like that.
You've seen like the success of like Drake in hip-hop where he basically puts on every other person that could be competitive with him.
Right, right.
I want to put them on.
I'm going to show up at their conversation.
He just shows up at the Dreamville Fest the other day.
And people are talking about how fucking amazing it is.
So instead of being like jealous and hateful, Drake has a concert coming up soon.
And he's like, yo, let me go show love at this place.
And the people that tend to do that happen to have the most success.
So do you think that Rogan, like on some level, it's like he needs a sparring partner?
So that's why he wants to have a lot of people who are going to be able to do that.
I just think people doesn't see it as well.
There's only one spot.
I think he goes, okay, everybody, there can be more than one black belt in jiu-jitsu.
There can be more than one black belt in comedy.
Also, like, this is someone, John Mayer said this once to me, and it stuck with me.
He was like, you freeze at the age you become famous.
And like, I don't know if that's true or not, it doesn't matter.
They say that about molestation.
Sure.
I was wearing this when I got molested.
That is a weird coincidence.
And that's.
No, but that's why you got like the little girl voices and a lot of these like porn stars and shit like that.
They went through something horribly traumatic.
It's also a big thing on this is part of the reason that when like people get like gnarly plastic surgery, women especially, a lot of times they're trying to change the face of the person that got molested.
So they look in the mirror and it's not the same person.
Also, people with a like big clinical obesity is another way.
Being like clinically obese, protecting yourself from being sexual in any way, anorexia also, you kind of want to like be invisible.
But what you were saying?
About sort of the scarcity complex in comedy.
Oh, John Mayer.
Oh, John Mayer.
You freeze the HR, you become famous.
And Neil Brennan, I was talking about this with him once, because Neil Brennan, there was a time where he would wear, we were writing a movie together, and he would wear like, he was, he would wear like jeans and then like a t-shirt and a hoodie and the t-shirt and the hoodie always like matched.
It was like orange and purple or like yellow and blue.
And this like makes me love Neil so much.
I was like, how do you like pick like what colors go with what?
And he was like, he went, team colors.
Like all team colors matched.
And I was like, I guess that's true.
But like, yeah, it's like that's Charlotte Hornet.
It's like, you know, but he wore the same thing and we'd talk about it.
And he was like, oh, yeah, I think I froze like when Chappelle, this is what I, exactly what I wore when Chappelle show got big.
And you kind of go, this worked.
Whatever happened when you got a big success.
And so also Rogan, like, he got so successful doing whatever that is.
So why change it?
Like, even if you don't even know why, just keep doing the thing that made you that successful.
Unless you're Ellen.
That's right.
Ellen completely flipped it.
I do think you need to keep evolving with your success.
And I think that that's how you have like that incredibly profound lifetime career.
Like, say what you want about the Beatles.
I'm not even the biggest Beatles.
I am not.
Dude, the only good song is when Yoko came on, I'm telling you, the world is Christmas.
Dude, the Beatles suck.
It's music for kids.
Atrocious taste.
Okay, let's assume there.
Let's assume starting to shit on the Beatles.
Like, what the fuck are you doing?
No, I don't know if that's a Beatles.
I love this.
Yeah, Lo Submarine.
It's like we managed school bus.
It's corny.
You can also use Jay-Z.
There's different people whose comedy or music or whatever it is have evolved, right?
Like you look at a guy like Pryor, you look at a guy like Carlin, right?
Like they could have done that like cookie cutter clean stuff because they had success with it.
And they continue to evolve and change.
And I think that's how you have longevity in the career.
You were talking about it earlier.
And I think that this often does happen in comedy is like you can do an impression of yourself.
And that's, I think, where you get stunted.
Right.
So it's, it's a ballsy thing to kind of reflect on where your life is and then, you know, have that comedy also.
But then when you have fans that expect a certain thing, it's like, you know, Dane Cook, I think there were a lot of things that contributed to that sort of going sideways.
But I opened it for him for a couple of times.
I remember we were in Sunrise, Florida, like 40,000 seat arena.
Like it was so, I had to like leave the screaming, people were holding up posters.
Yeah.
Like teenagers, whatever.
They were holding things.
They had, it was not.
Once in a generation.
It was like a rock show.
It was not like a comic show.
I was like so loud.
And then, you know, he was doing such physical stuff and the cashew.
And then his brother stole from him.
Still have questions about that.
And his parents, I guess, died.
And then I saw him at the improv one night and he was like trying like darker shit, you know?
And like he was doing something that was like about having an abortion joke that was like really funny, but it was just coming from him.
And it was like.
And if your fans really fuck with you and they're really interested in you, they're going to be interested in this life change.
But don't you think it didn't really take?
I don't know.
I can't say anything.
Only Dan can speak on that because I don't know how he's reaching out.
I think they wanted that energy, that like super physical comedy.
I think that's what people signed up for.
I'm sure the new version of whatever you're doing is even hotter.
Because don't you think sometimes it's still authentic and still authentic and pure because people are going to gravitate to the authenticity.
I mean, like, this is why I want to go back to half hours.
So big that there was, it was, he got big to a point where everybody's just going to drag him down.
Like, you can't get that big without upsetting a lot of people.
Yeah.
And they're going to try to.
Just like Neil Brennan said once, he said to me once, he was like, if I wanted to, if I was going to be a comedy manager, I would just walk into comedy clubs and sign whoever the comedians hated.
Like, who do you hate?
Signing him.
But it was also like, he was also so self-generating.
Like, it wasn't cool to be self-generating.
Like, it was, it's cool that you're self-generating, like, taking matters in your own hands, like, hustling.
Back then, like, like, my spacing people all day was kind of like corny.
Like, comics sat around and smoked pot all day.
And the idea is you're just this genius.
I think trying was.
I think one of the cool things that I'm seeing now in comedy is that like comedians are into trying.
Trying hard is not lame.
I mean, when I started, I was like, you're not.
Trying hard was lame.
Yeah, they're like, well, no, trying hard was lame because there was an opportunity where you didn't have to try hard at anything except the art.
Like, you could just go do whatever you want, and then there's going to be an exec who's like, we're going to make you a star.
And then it kind of worked for some people.
Yeah, yeah.
And I think a cool transition right now, and I think one of the reasons why we're in like a comedy boom is because comedy can be more authentic because comedians are trying.
Yeah.
Like they're trying and they're creating the art they want to make.
I also think comedians, like, like every now and then, I have my ass handed to me when I see a meme made by someone that's not a comic.
Yeah.
You're like, wait, people are fucking funny.
People are funny.
We got to step in.
I think we're the only funny people who are not.
The internet is way funnier than all of us.
Dude, we just happen to have the delusional confidence to go up on stage.
Like when I see like Bill from Accounting just like made this meme, I'm like, dude, you're not going to make a career out of this.
They're like, no, I'm not in.
There are tons of absolutely hilarious people out there.
And now they all have access for their comedy talents and they're going to put it up there and it's going to succeed.
And you can find comedy whenever you want.
So like to me, when I do shows now, I'm like, what can I offer that?
And I think that's part of why, you know, in the roast, I decided to go for that emotional vulnerable moment.
Cause I was like, everybody's going to be doing these roasts.
You guys know I can do jokes.
I've done them before.
You know, I can get laughs.
I'm also the boss of this.
You know what I'm saying?
I can give myself the best set.
I'm also not going to be like the person that like produces a roast and then has all the fucking haymakers like hitting it.
Like my friends showed up.
I paid that.
Like I'm not going to embarrass them.
I'm going to try to embarrass myself or do something kind of experimental.
It could totally bomb.
And that might have, that might make people really uncomfortable.
But I, same thing with the robot.
I was like at the point where I was like, okay, I can get laughs.
I can get an applause break.
I can get a standing ovation.
But like, can I get like a, like I want to give people something like memorable, you know, and a feeling that they wouldn't normally feel in comedy.
And then I think a lot of times in specials and shows, it just turns into this monotonous ha ha ha.
And you're kind of laughing because you've been trained to laugh, like Pavlovian.
So I wanted to break that up and see if I could still earn laughs after it.
You know, it's like watching Bill Burr go on.
He'll go on in the OR and he'll like come out with some just wild shit just to put himself in a hole so he can dig himself out of it.
You know?
And when we came out, this was like years ago.
He's like, so Kanye, it was something he's like, I think we can all agree that black people and white people are different.
Like just something that like, ooh, like, let me finish.
You know, it's all like, let me finish.
But he like was in such a hole and watching himself dig out, dig out of it.
I'm like, that's how you stay great and don't plateau.
100%.
You have to also do comedy for people that aren't your fans.
So my next tour, I just want to like pop up on other people's tours or something, featuring and stuff to like see, because if it's only your fans, it becomes a rally.
100%.
You know?
No, yeah.
Well, yeah, I think that when you're working the act, it shouldn't only be in front of your fans.
And I think that's how you get it undeniable and strong.
Obviously, that becomes more difficult as you become more famous, right?
Because everybody's familiar.
Chris Rock, everybody knows who he is.
Adeh Shabbat, everybody knows.
But I think like working and sculpting the act.
And then I think when you tour, you shouldn't hope your fans don't come out.
I think that's a great thing.
No, I think it's just like getting good, like the store, just showing up.
Like, I always want to put my name on, like, you know, but to just show up and I think it's a balance of learning.
I think we have, I was talking to somebody about this yesterday.
A hilarious comic.
His name is Daniel Simonson.
It's brilliant.
This kid is.
Is he in New York?
He's in New York.
He's originally from Norway.
He is so funny.
I think he has a residency at like the St. Mark's Theater in New York, but go check it out.
He's just so funny.
Anyway.
Residencies are fascinating to me.
Yeah.
So he's like, so he was like, I noticed that you put your name on the lineup at the seller.
And because there's certain people who will use like an alias or whatever like that.
And some people have to force.
They have like stalkers and specific things like that.
Okay.
No one's, as you said.
No, some people.
I have stalkers too.
Some people.
No, no, no.
Like it's, it's probably been an issue.
If you can't beat up your own stalker, you don't deserve to be famous.
So, but, but I told him, I was like, I was like, yeah, it's like you, you got to also give back to the clubs.
Like for years, you perform at the clubs, you take the stage time and they invest in you.
That's right.
And then if you get to the point where you can't also invest in them or you can get invested in them, and then you go, oh, no, don't put it up there.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Now, that being said, you can balance it.
But like, I'd look at the lineups in LA.
I'd see Bill Burr on the lineup, Sebastian on the lineup, you're on the lineup, Rogan's on the lineup.
They put their names on there.
Always.
I'm not going to go.
It's a punk-ass move, I think, tonight.
That's just my personal opinion.
I think we owe it to the clubs because they look like a game.
By the way, you're even safer if there's proof of where you are.
No one's going to kill you.
You're worried about kidnapping and listening.
No, I'm not at all.
It's like Gavin Becker, the book, The Gift of Fear will change your life.
Anyone that gives you, no one that's actually going to kill you is going to give you a heads up.
So if someone's like, death threats is the safest thing to do.
This never comes in my mind whatsoever, the death threats thing.
But I do agree with you.
It's like working the act in front of people who are like surprised.
They don't.
It's like when I, like, I think like there was a time where at the store, Joey Diaz was going up every Wednesday, Thursday.
And I would follow Joey Diaz and everyone would be there to see him in the main room.
And I would literally like have to stretch like before like that was, because everyone was there to see him.
He would destroy the building would be shaking.
And then you'd go out and you'd have to re and every night I'd have to wait longer and longer to start.
I'd have to, you just let, you have to let everyone just miss him, process, like reset the energy.
Sebastian would do, also, I'd watch him follow Joey Diaz.
Motherfucker would just pace like a panther.
Like he would just be like, I'm not speaking until you guys are done missing him.
Yeah.
There's a...
Because there's no host at the comedy store also.
So there's no one resetting the energy.
There's a...
Which I love that Rogan's Club doesn't have hosts too.
That's, yeah.
And that's maybe also real quick.
Shit.
This is making me realize how I might have gotten hoodwinked in thinking that I was closer to comics than I thought is because when you bring on other comics, like this next comic, good friend of mine.
My greatest friend.
She's one of my best friends.
And I'm like, really?
Tony Ishclip.
He has a funny name for his show that he was doing at the Comedy Mothership.
He calls it Tony Hinchcliffe and his current friends.
My Comedy Mothership next week is Winnie Cummings, and I told them to put friends in quotes.
Credits are close.
No, but I remember going up when I was younger in comedy when I just got past at the cellar going up after Attel.
And like, I really learned that there's like just levels to the game because he was just operating on so many different levels.
It was like great jokes, crowd work, personality, like all these things were happening seamlessly.
And then I would go up and I'd be like, what's going on here?
Like, I have jokes.
Like, why is this not kind of connecting?
And it really forced me to learn how to like develop that connection.
So I don't know.
I think we embrace those things.
But also, Attel has, he did one thing on Rogan that reminded me sort of our job as comedians.
And I think that a lot of us forget sometimes that it's our job to surprise.
Like it's like surprise, surprise.
Like the ideas are taken one way.
How am I going to surprise you?
And what I love about what Sebastian does is he'll go, he'll say a premise about something.
He'll say, for example, like, I remember one time he was in the OR and he was like, anyone here of a Blu-ray?
And he just holds.
And then people already start laughing because they already have their own experience with a blue.
Some don't, they try to, oh, they try to work it.
So they're already like, I have a funny thing about a Blu-ray.
And then he's got his thing, which is a killer.
Like, he's obviously got a better joke than them.
So you get two for the price of one.
They get to participate in what their punchline is.
And then he gives the next punchline, you know?
Where am I going with this?
Outdoor Dining Joke References00:02:03
Do you know?
Talking about operating on all cylinders.
Yeah.
And the people that are at the most elite, something you learn from a tale on Rogue.
Okay.
So I think that I'm watching a lot of comedy.
Thank you.
That is like kind of, feels like it's a similar chat GPT, meta, TikTok, like the same references over and over again.
And if you're on a book show, by the time the audience, you know, four comics in has already heard Chat GPT seven times, you know, abortion Texas.
It's our job to like have these like esoteric references.
And to me, I want to be the drug dealer of nostalgia.
I want to be like Santa Claus with some like surprise shit, right?
So that's part of the reason I wanted to make Roseanne, like that nostalgia drug, like that, like this Lisa Frank shit, like when people see Lisa Frank, like what brands can do that for people, you know, to just like that instant.
And what references, which is why I'm trying to like really take time to like read more.
I know that sounds like stupid, but truly read.
The information you have in your head will be a little bit more like that.
But it's also about our like references, the words that we use and being so specific about it.
So Attel was on Rogan and he's just funny, even when he's not trying to be funny.
And he said something about the outdoor dining in New York.
And Rogan was like, why is there still outdoor dining in New York?
He's like, yeah, I don't know.
He's like, I went in one of those outdoor dining things.
I felt like I was in a manger.
It's funny.
Perfect word.
It's like manger.
Like it's this, it's like the perfect way to describe it.
I'd heard a lot of people do outdoor dining jokes.
It's like that simple.
It's like a fucking manger.
Like, you know, so it's like a word that like wasn't in the rotation necessarily.
And you have to make sure certain references are in the rotation so you can get that perfect cut, like whether it's like, you know, like Dad Michaels or, you know what I mean?
The Delia's catalog, like these little references that make people go like, oh, shit, you know?
And it like lights them up and unifies people because I think it's comics, like we try to divide sometimes, but unifying a crowd with some universal reference, slap bracelet, Princess Diana Beanie baby, whatever it is, like those deep cuts, I feel like masterfully working in those like references elegantly.
Cincinnati Town and Val Kilmer00:15:30
Yeah.
Really, and also when you go from town to town, changing them and catering them to the town.
So it's like I've started going, oh, it's my responsibility now that I've been to the city seven times.
I'm going to go in a day early instead of flying the day of and I'm going to go in and I'm going to like have dinner at the restaurant everyone tells me to go to and I'm like really catering the city and really cater the shit because I've been to every city but I haven't really enjoyed anything you don't do anything in the city yeah you know and cities like it's weird like since the pandemic I feel like cities are more unique or something like it used to kind of be like everyone's got imaginos every like every city kind of felt the same but now in the pandemic there's some like City pride thing that feels like it's deepened.
And like, I mean, just from being there, there's a lot more, like, you know, I don't know.
It just feels like the people from Cincinnati are like, really, everyone's from Cincinnati now.
Whereas used to be like, ah, you know, there's more city.
No one could afford to leave the city anymore.
So they had to commit.
Yeah.
They're like, they're lifers.
They're lifers now or something.
But there was just, I think, city pride that came out with the trauma bonding of the pandemic or something.
Isolationism.
They're becoming tourists in their own town, probably.
Totally.
And like the trauma bot, like I just feel like the if you make fun of the local mayor about the mask thing, everyone's like, fuck.
Like everyone's kind of like bonded in like an odd way.
Yeah.
Well, they had a group experience.
Did you find after the pandemic there were a lot of fights in your crowds?
I had fights almost every show.
Oh, really?
Breaking out.
Yeah.
What kind of fights?
Like, just like fucking, I have a video from the Dallas show at the Majestic.
Like, I think it was just people were, you know, like so tense, shoulder to shoulder, exhaling droplets on each other, and there was still like a... Anxiety.
It was at the places that didn't have masks.
I remember doing shows during the pandemic at like 25% capacity or whatever, and those were fucking nightmares.
Nightmare.
And it was election time, and the election felt so high stakes.
The audiences were no fun.
Everything felt like this, we shouldn't be joking about this.
And it was already, they're too far apart to really let a contagious laugh happen.
Comedy during the pandemic was the fucking worst.
But don't you feel like whatever this cancel culture of charade, whatever people talk about has been like the best thing for comedy?
Yes.
Like I feel like there's tension again, there's eggshells on the ground.
I feel like it's done.
Well, I don't think I just, it's been a good thing for comedy.
Oh, no, it was a great thing for comedy, you know, for sure.
But I feel like now it's done.
Like now comedy is going to get really weird and like meta.
Well, I just feel like it was impossible to shock anyone for here's the best way to look at it.
And I'll give Ronnie Chang credit for this.
He said something like this.
It was like comedians, we make fun of institutions.
Sometimes comedy gets so big it becomes an institution.
And then comedians start to make fun of it.
And that's what meta-comedy is, essentially.
It's like making fun of comedy.
But comedy needs to be so popular in order for there to be comics to make fun of it.
When comedy isn't that popular, you can't even make the joke about corny comedy because people are unfamiliar with what corny comedy is.
They don't know what hacky comedy is.
They don't know any of these things.
So now that comedy is in this like absolute boom, never been this big ever in history.
And comedy in America is not that old.
I mean, it's like stand-up comedy in America is like.
I mean, the biggest it probably got was like the 80s before that.
It's crazy.
You know what I want to do?
I want to like do some shows in the cat skills.
Yeah.
How come we never, like, I feel like there's like not a lot of kids there?
Popping again.
Really?
So the Cat Skills were this place where like the Borschbelt comedy lived.
Dirty dancing was set there.
Like it was like, well, Jews weren't allowed to do comedy in New York, country clubs, so they were like forced to go out to the Catskills.
But why don't we do that?
That's like a tradition that I feel like we should, I don't know, or not.
I mean, it has to pay well.
Probably right.
You guys have to have a lot of cash, but it's like weird that we don't do that.
But like Vegas, Atlantic City plays, that always feels like, you know, but it's also like comedy's gotten so popular.
Like it's interesting to see like how this fascination with female comedians, you know, like the shows Marvelous Mrs. Mazel and Hacks, but it's like they love the idea of talking about female comics, but no female comedians are involved.
Like we don't actually want them in the writers.
I mean, not that I would want to be, you know, but why not hire a couple female comedy?
No, Marvelous Mrs. Maisel had a writer.
Esther Steinberg, I think, was a writer.
I'm pretty sure.
That's good.
That's good.
That's pretty sure.
And then I think the girl in hacks that's not a comic in the show, I think, is.
Oh, yes, that's right.
That's right.
Lorraine Newman's daughter is the younger girl.
But I guess it kind of like, I mean, and luck, I have comic brain, so I'm always going to look for the crack or the like devil's advocate.
But the idea that the show hacks, it's like, what would be a believable story about a famous female comedian who has a Vegas residency?
She's in her 60s.
Like, she can't write jokes.
That can't write jokes.
Nice.
Oh, is that the story?
Needs a writer.
Like, is that the known for having people just write our jokes for us?
Wait, is that the story?
Yeah, it's like she like is becoming stale, I think.
She got stale, and it's like having someone.
I just don't think anyone can write jokes for other people.
I used to do it when I first started for a couple comics that I, that were kind of very like, you know, I don't know, hokey in a way.
But when I hear comics have writers, I'm like, how could I brainstorm with people, but the idea that someone's like, here's a joke, and you just do it.
But it can't be pure.
It can't be authentic.
So bizarre.
Like, why would you, there's no point of doing comedy.
I feel like that's going to happen a lot more now because comedy is more, it's like the DJ now.
You know, how every celebrity was becoming a DJ?
Now I feel like every Instagram influencer is becoming a comic.
Yeah.
It's like the way to monetize your internet fame.
Yeah.
If you're funny online.
So now writers are going to get exactly.
So your agent is going to come go, hey, why don't you do a tour?
And then we'll get these writers to write you enough jokes where people can come out and see you.
Well, a lot of these people.
But then they go watch and it's like, oh, this isn't real comedy.
This is what happens a lot of times to like the internet comedians.
I mean, we're all internet comedians, but the ones who don't do stand-up is like they go get, they make some money one time around.
Yeah.
And then that second time.
It's basically a big meet and greet.
Doesn't look the same.
They just go, like, they do 10 minutes and then photos, but that's exactly right.
They'll come once, but they're not going to.
The idea with us is that you come and then next year you bring back five of your friends and the next year it's a family reunion.
And that puts the onus on us to write a show that they got to tell people about.
Or that they go like when this person is in town.
Like, because you know, I also wanted to work with, I wanted to work IMAX.
They, what the viewers want the most with IMAX is comedy.
And I was talking to the Megan Roybal, the head of IMAX, and I was like, yeah, why don't we all do like five minutes on each city, whatever.
And like, there's an IMAX that'll play like all of us of when we're coming to their town.
When you're at, you know, in Cincinnati, you'll do five minutes on Cincinnati, but I get paid, put it in this IMAX thing.
They can come see it on Christmas, Thanksgiving, whatever.
It promotes everyone's shows.
Like there's just so much like.
I don't think people want to go see comedy in the theaters.
Yeah.
I mean, it's the IMAX.
I think they want to watch it at home.
I think the only things people will, I'll just keep saying it.
I know.
And we both, I was like, the only things that people will watch in the theaters in the near future will be big, like avatar, maverick type films, big action.
Marvel.
And then horror.
They'll see those two.
I think at home, rom-coms, you will never be in a movie theater ever again or successful in one.
And I think they will watch weird stuff that they've never seen before.
So for example, experimental film, like Everything Everywhere, Everywhere, Once or whatever.
That type of film is just so like unexplainable that you go, oh, this is experiential in its own way.
And this is the only way I can see it.
So I'll watch it there.
But the traditional rom-com, like I don't fully agree because I think there are theaters popping up.
Sorry to interrupt.
There are theaters popping up that cater to those movies.
Like an eye pick, it's great for a date night.
You just have your little pod with your girl.
I think that's the thing.
Everyone will always need somewhere to go on a date.
But the numbers for the rom-coms, like every time they go into theaters, they've been low, but then exactly.
So it's like, what's been doing well in theaters?
Horror, big, big budget action.
Yep.
That's it.
But that's also because big, but that's also, remember, like for me, movies were a babysitter.
Like my aunt would drop me off.
You'd go to the movies and you'd walk around the mall.
It was like Adam Sandler was our babysitter.
You know, it was like, it was not so much.
So look where Adam Sandler's stuff is now.
Streaming.
Yeah.
Because the genre of film works for streaming.
Do you remember when Kevin Hart released a special in the theater?
Yeah, I was just like, remember that told that we were his name?
Yeah.
So it's like, I was like, how did that?
Yeah.
That did well.
That was like 15 years ago, bro.
It was a lot.
I don't think it was 15 years ago.
But it's like 200.
But let me ask you something.
If your fans went out to the theater for that.
Now going out to the theater for, like, I think comedies can be the biggest streaming movie in the world as long as it's easy access.
Yeah.
But like putting on pants and getting a babysitter to see the same storyline with different actors.
So it's babysitters.
That's how I got molested.
So take your kid to the movie.
Don't put that out of Adam Sandler.
Come on.
He's a nice guy.
Yeah.
So it's like, like, and Adam, I think, did a great job.
His movie's absolutely crushed on Netflix.
He just put the new one out with Jennifer Anison, which I think is like Murder Mystery 2.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it's like, yeah, those are going to kill.
That movie with the about the gay rom-com, what is it called?
Billy Eichner's.
It was, by the way, hilarious.
Okay, so that movie, I didn't see it.
So if it is good.
But he kind of turned it into homework.
He turned it into like, if you don't go see this, you're homophobic.
And people are like, don't make it yell at me.
The point is, if that's streaming, it does so much better.
The fact that you got to buy the, like, even if you're a straight dude, you got to walk up to the thing.
Can I get two to the gay movie?
You know what I mean?
It's like, there's already a barrier of entry.
Like, there's a long ass line.
You've got your fucking.
You're like, Jim Coach or whatever is Tubelle.
What are you going to see?
Maverick.
You want to see Maverick.
So it's like, but put the girls.
I mean, Tom Gun is, Maverick is so much gayer than Bros.
Yes.
100%.
Also, dude, you guys are worried about me.
Why does Val Kilmer look like a nutcracker, dude?
Because he's dying.
He went to fucking Sager's gum guy.
Dude, he's done.
He's actually dying.
Did you see the documentary about him, though?
There's a documentary about him.
Where he's like using the box to do the shit.
He didn't really speak in the movie.
No, I don't.
That's all CGI.
He can't speak.
There's a documentary about him that no one will talk about that is devastating.
Really?
It's just like him and it, which the first actually, the first Hollywood party I ever went to was at Val Kilmer's house randomly.
Really?
And I had just, I was very poor.
Are you the nutcracker?
I had just gotten this pair of pants from Victoria's Secret Catalog.
Not known for their high quality.
Before I was like, like did stand-up, like before you did stand-up, did you do things that you ported Epstein's Island, by the way?
There you go.
Les Wexner.
Val Kilmer did.
No, you, by wearing Victoria's Secret.
Les Wexner's.
Les Wexner is the only client of Epstein, and he has made.
Oh, that's right.
There were a lot of secrets.
Victoria had a bunch, but there were a lot more.
Victoria's 12.
Yeah.
But I went into his house.
It was like, I don't know.
People just had parties.
Like, before me too, you could just have like 20-year-olds in your house.
Like, no one gave a shit.
Like, no one worried about lawsuits.
I don't even know why the fuck I was in there because had he looked at me sideways, I would have been like, settlement.
Like, I was the bitch that would have like needed to do something desperate.
But like, do you have anything that before you became a comedian scratched that itch in other ways?
Like, I was like, always the funny dancer on the dance floor.
Yeah, interesting.
I was like, funny dance.
Now you won't catch me dancing at all.
I already get to get my attention.
You had an outlet, though.
Exactly.
But I was like, funny dancer.
So I was like, Val Kilmer's house.
I'm like, I got to be a funny dancer.
And rich people, dude, their houses are all like so slick.
Oh, yeah.
It was just like a marble.
Pristine.
So I just, I do like a go down to try to be funny, whatever, and rip my pants wide open.
I'm wearing a red thong.
So it kind of just looks like I have a bloody ass.
Like it's just like a bad news.
And I just beelined into Val Kilmer's closet and took a shirt and just wrapped it around my waist.
And it was like some, it was like a purple, like Hugo Boss shirt.
Like every guy has that like lilac shirt.
You didn't go home?
No, I didn't have a car.
I was with like a group of people.
That would have been a good idea.
She had another song coming up.
I was at a hollow party.
I was home as far as I was concerned.
That was the most loving family environment I've ever been in.
And I put it around my waist.
And it was like a very obviously like shirt you would notice.
And then he starts talking to me and I'm wearing his shirt around my waist.
And I'm like, is he gonna fucking notice that I took one of his shirts?
It just, and it never did.
And then I sold it at Buffalo Exchange.
I made like $40.
Wow.
When I know money, I used to sell people's clothes.
Hollywood bling ring.
I was really good friends with Sean Lennon.
I was in an acting class with him, and we were like good friends.
And he would stay at my house sometimes.
And he would leave shirts there that were like Duran Duran, like John Lennon, like shirts.
And I would take them to Buffalo Exchange and sell them.
There's some hipster wearing an authentic John Lennon.
It was.
And like, I would be able to get like 80 bucks.
And he'd be like, you see insured?
And I'd be like, I haven't.
I don't know.
I've told him since.
Jeez.
What are your thoughts on Nepo babies?
I mean, look, I.
She just said she was good friends with Sean Lennon.
What the speed.
No, I come from, I don't know.
She knows all of them.
Well, it's, but it's also like, I'm the opposite because it's like Michael Patrick King said to me once, he's who I made the show Two Bro Girls with.
He was like, the problem with you is that you're an outsider that looks like an insider and most of the insiders look like outsiders.
So it was like, Lena Dunham, like, has connections to Hollywood, you know, and then I don't at all, but I'm the one that gets all the shit, you know?
So, you know, I don't.
How do you think that is?
Maybe.
I think I maybe want it more.
I think that there's an has anything to do with the way you look and the way that Lena looks.
That was like not exactly.
It's half Jewish.
That's what it is.
Actually, that's consumer, whoever.
Like, I think that's a much better example.
When you come from money, you have the privilege of not being desperate.
And I would like, the show would come out.
I would desperately be like, watch this, please.
Like, I'm hungry.
We're all over it.
I have two parents that had strokes without health insurance.
Like, I need to sell these tickets.
It's casino pajanga.
Like, and if you're a Nepo baby doing that, you're like, you're trying to put it in.
Yeah, if people think you come from money, it's like, why do you need so much?
But I think people just couldn't wrap around their heads that I come from, you know, I had $7 for $70.
Do you think people really have an issue with nepotism or they have an issue with themselves just not getting a role?
Hollywood's never been like fair.
Why should it be?
I mean, it's like neither sports.
Now, this is a fucking wild take that the guys don't really appreciate.
I think it's sorry.
Can I say something about Nepal?
No, no, no, it was in the middle of a sentence.
I know, but if I'm not.
I know, but we're not moving on.
It's about this.
It's about this.
The Nepo babies' parents, right?
A lot of them got raped for their roles in Hollywood so that their kids wouldn't have to work so hard to get in Hollywood.
So don't, aren't they justified in the same way that like Akash's family comes over here, works their ass off so that he could be a comedian, right?
Like haven't those families paid the ultimate price for their kids to have it a little easier?
Yeah.
Whereas like some actress whose parents didn't get raped, want to be actress now all of a sudden thinks she should just get the role.
Yeah, but that's flawed inherently in that if you're the dad that's famous, you probably did raping and didn't get raped.
Hurt People Deserve Pride00:06:04
I don't believe it.
So if it's just the mom that's famous, if it's just the mom that's famous, they should be able to be Nepo baby.
I think consensual sex is a very recent thing.
It's fair.
Say again?
I think consensual sex is a very recent thing.
I'm really just talking about this whole Me Too movement.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I just think it's more.
It's like it was easy for those parents.
I think anyone putting their children in acting is a creep, whether they were in it, whether they weren't in it.
I think it's bizarre.
Like if you have been in the business and you're as a general.
And I think if you've been in the business and you know what it's about, you know, and you put your kid in it, I think you're the worst person.
But it's not about putting your kid as like I think it's your form of narcissism.
You value it so much.
And like we learned earlier with you, you want to be inside the box your dad so cared so much about.
So imagine your parents, the only thing they talk about is film, TV, movies.
This person doesn't deserve this.
This person deserves that.
The only thing that's important, their whole world is wrapped around it.
That's how you're going to get the attention from these parents who may be not in your life that much is if you succeed the thing that they're good at.
Yeah, I mean, and I think that like when I look at like the actors that I know that you're kind of referring to, I just don't think they're that as conscious, you know.
I think that that generation of like people in the business, like what they witnessed, what they saw, like, you know, like I told this story in my last special about a director that like took me into his trailer when I was trying to get Taft Heart lead.
And, you know, he lunged at me and it was like he was, you know, trying to do something sexual with me.
I was like so stunned and confused.
I truly thought he had like fell.
Like it was like such an like it was so like not, there was no buildup.
There was no, you know, touching the knee.
He just like lunged at me and I was like, are you okay?
Like I thought he had like a heart attack or something.
And I was like, how embarrassing.
It was to try to rape someone and get sympathy.
Dude, it was so.
And then in that moment, I realized that I embarrassed him.
And it was just, and I'm like trapped with this motherfucker that like never hears no.
I'm like totally frozen.
I'm fine.
Doesn't matter.
But when you look back at that, you know, that had happened so many times with so many girls.
And there were so many people around that witnessed it.
Now that I've like run shows, made movies or on sets, you're like, at least like 30 people saw that.
Because it's a lot of people's job to know where the director is.
So I think it's like, even if you haven't participated in some bullshit, you've witnessed some bullshit.
And to in any capacity, want your kids to participate in that, especially girls.
Like, I think it's just like a narcissistic compulsion of like, I'm famous and I want my kid to be famous too.
Or like, I don't want to have to put it in.
It's like a trait of narcissism is that you see your kids as an extension of yourself.
Like when I hear about a celebrity that has a kid that I've never seen on a red carpet, you know, like, oh, they have another one that no one's seen.
I'm like, that's fucking awesome.
Like, honestly, the person that I think has handled being a Nepo baby the best at this point is Chet Hanks.
He's like, I'm doing my thing, dude.
We've handled it the best.
Because to me, it's also the way maybe that they don't get pride the same way.
I drive pride through everything I have I earned.
I did it the hard way.
And like, I don't want anything I don't deserve.
Like, that's just me personally.
I like grew up on a lot of like cheating.
And, you know, my mom was for all intents and purposes like a gold digger.
You know, it was a lot of like, we date this guy and we get this stuff.
And I was like kind of pressured to date older men that would like, you know, because they had a car, they could pick me up from school.
They would like get her a watch.
And then it was like, don't fuck it up with this guy.
You know, it's just like, I don't want anything I don't deserve.
And I think if you're born into a famous family, you're always going to, I mean, it's like Paris Hilton.
She works so hard.
She's an animal because it's like she wants to be known as her own thing.
And she has to work so hard to get out from under the Hilton name.
And it's kind of like just between her and herself at this point because like it doesn't feel good to her for people to go like, well, everything she has is because of this.
Like she's trying to prove that she could have done it without it.
And I think feeling that like sucks.
I mean, it was like a little version for me is, you know, when I was like first, you know, on TV, it was on Chelsea Handler's show, you know, and I was like, oh, God, doing this a lot, obviously, like, I was able to sell out clubs and I was like, able to like build a fan base, whatever.
But I was like, am I always going to feel like I have this because I was on Chelsea's show?
What's wrong with that?
Nothing, but I think I have a thing in my head that's like, oh, I just want to make sure I've earned it all myself.
But you know, no one earns it all yourself.
Like, I have so much because of Charlemagne.
I have so much because of Rogan.
I have so much because of that.
But the person that you showed up, the person you were on their shows, but being born as a Nepo baby, I just would always hate myself.
Just being like, you know, I didn't get a chance to build something on my own or no one is ever going to have to.
Yeah, but you were born pretty.
That's an advantage.
You were born smart.
That's an advantage.
Yeah.
I also think trauma is a privilege.
Like, I always like, no one, I guess, should intentionally inflict trauma on their children.
Although I feel like we can bring back hitting kids.
I'm not even kidding.
The kids I see around, I'm like, he just needs one.
Like, just my mom was never just this little, like, don't you feel like you meet people?
But you meet people.
Yeah, like.
It's only white people like, we need to bring back hitting kids.
Oh, it never stopped.
It's just white people.
Rich, white.
And also not all white people.
Just the rich ones.
Have you ever met?
You live in New York and LA.
Your housekeeping sells a chonkla in her hand.
Yeah.
Get ready to go.
Rule of thumb.
Isn't it rule of thumb?
Like the etymology of that?
Yeah, yeah.
Is that it's the width of a stick you're allowed to hit your wife with.
Right.
Yeah.
No, it's just, do you ever meet someone that you like the only thing holding them back in life is just getting hit like once in a bar?
Like someone get punched in the face.
Yeah.
Someone that's just like killing it on social media, like just plays too much.
You're just like, why do people always think that like that's going to stop it?
The biggest assholes are the ones that have gotten punched in the face and then have realized it ain't that bad.
Yeah, yeah.
There's this idea like, oh, we just need to get punch in the face.
And then everybody goes, oh, I guess we should stop.
World War I and World War II happened.
Yeah.
The Germans didn't learn a lesson.
It's the dumbest idea I've ever heard.
Oh, with just one punch in the face and then everybody's normal.
Yeah.
No.
They just get better headlines.
They move worse.
Hurt people hurt people, right?
Like you abuse a kid, they abuse more.
They don't go, well, I'm never going to be bad.
Yeah, yeah.
It may get worse.
I think sometimes like, and I think it depends on the age.
Headlights Test and Trauma Lessons00:06:18
I think that like humbling, like I had a couple humbling experiences like when I was a kid.
And I think being embarrassed in a way that you can cope with to be better, like, cause I think, you know, they say, I don't know who they is, but that comedians become comedians to control how they're embarrassed because our biggest fear is embarrassment.
And I realized at a young age, like I had like bad skin, but I was always the kid that didn't have the right uniform or the permission slip was never signed.
Like when you're from an alcoholic home, everything's a mess.
Like I would be home to go to school late.
I was the kid that like, like in the photos, I was just like a fucking wet, just covered in like smuckers and shit.
Like I was just like a mess, you know, because my parents didn't have their shit together.
I had a headlights.
I always got sent home for headlights.
You had headlights?
Yes, dude.
I had headlights.
You definitely had multiple times.
Yeah, I haven't really.
I had headlights for so long because if you have it, it's like all the kids have it, but you have to clean your sheets and vacuum.
And remember that shit, NYX and Ridd?
Like my parents wouldn't do the stuff to clean the house.
And I would steal brushes from, I stole from, I would like go to sleepovers just to steal from rich kids' houses.
And I would steal brushes because they had these fancy ass brushes.
And I was like using a fork, like fucking a little mermaid or some shit.
So it's like, I just wanted nice things.
And we never had nice brushes.
So I would steal them.
And I would, I like had headlights a lot.
But that embarrassment, I think, is something that will fucking get you, dude.
And I think every now and then when you're, you know, getting humble, like my mom, like, she made a lot of mistakes, like, didn't want me, wasn't loving, didn't say I love you, you know.
But one time because she was like dating, she was always dating men to make money.
I didn't realize that's what it was.
I only saw it as you're leaving me, you're leaving me.
And I stole money out of her purse.
My sister and I were running around the street.
We were like homeless, like going to raves and shit.
We weren't homeless.
We didn't want to go home.
We were living on the street.
And I took money out of her wallet.
And she was like, did you steal the money out of my wallet?
And I said, who cares?
You're going to make more anyway because you're a hooker.
And she smacked me so fucking hard.
I mean, I like, I remember hitting the wall and then hitting the ground.
And my first thought, I just was like, thank God.
I was like, finally.
Like it felt, I was like, finally, she mothered me.
Like, I was like, like, you know, they say that kids actually prefer abuse to neglect because at least you know you exist or at least, at least you know, they care in some capacity.
And it's like, that's how bad it had to get for her to pay any kind of attention to me or discipline me in any way.
Antagonizing at a reaction.
Yeah.
Like I was just like a punk.
And like I wanted someone to just fucking humble me or like I, you know, you just, you see how far you can go.
I mean, you see with, you know, the animals, like working with animals, like they'll, they'll just test, test, test until you push back because they just want to know where they stand.
And boundaries are always.
And I just wanted not to be in charge because I was the one that was making breakfast.
I had to drive her to the ER when she would like, I had to drive myself to school.
She would drive me to her job.
And then I like drunk, drive me her job and forget to take me to school.
And I like, I just wanted someone else.
Like, I wanted to be domed or whatever.
And so, like, that, like, I remember lying on the ground and it feeling so good for that split second.
Like, oh, I have a parent who's willing to do something that's uncomfortable for my greater good.
Or like she has some self-respect or something.
I don't know.
I just like, or clarity.
Like, your daughter's a fucking asshole.
Why are you let do something?
You know, like, we're running around on the street.
We're stealing from you.
Like, we're doing drugs.
Like, what the fuck is your plan?
And you, why didn't you do this five years ago?
Did anything change after that, or was it the same behavior?
I, I think after that, I kind of just went cold with her.
Like, we kind of became roommates because, you know, I've never heard of this, but in the custody battle, my dad got my sister and my mom got me.
So we were in separate houses instead of like dad gets weekends and mom gets weekdays.
Like we were separated and I lived in an apartment with my mom, like a really small apartment.
And we were just like weird, awkward roommates.
That's odd.
They usually never separate the kids.
It's like psychotic.
How old are you?
Well, when we lived, when I came back, I went and I was like sent away to live in Virginia with my aunts for a while, which is also another, when you're raised by not parents, that's kind of like a, I didn't realize how odd that was because I was raised by aunts that didn't have kids, you know?
So it's like they just got me at like 10, but were like, gay, drive to the grocery store.
And you're like, I'm a child.
You know, like they didn't have maternal, you know, instincts necessarily.
And they were like, you know, did drugs and whatever.
Like they just kind of were like taking me in and they didn't know how long I would be there, I guess.
So it was just like a very like, like lawless sort of thing.
And that's when I really started checking out into fantasy and intrigue of like, I don't know when you like first remember like visualizing your future or writing jokes or whatever.
Like I used to, there was like a typewriter downstairs and I used to write like observations about like doilies.
Like what's I would like write like when you have that much time on your hands and all you're doing is observing things, you're like, you know, so I'd like write these little witty things.
And then I would like interview myself.
It's funny you bring up Oprah.
I would like fantasize about being on Oprah as a guest.
This is so psycho.
And I think that the coping mechanism of it was like, I'm picturing myself having overcome it already.
Do you know what I mean?
You're on the other side.
I was already like, you know, and my trauma taught me this and that.
Like I was already like, I'm getting the fuck out of here.
I remember being like, I need to get famous.
I remember being like, that is like seeing famous people and being like, that is a life hack.
Like, I don't know how the fuck I'm going to do it.
They don't have problems.
Well, number one, my dad's going to know who I am because I'm going to be a household name.
Like, he's got to see me because I'm going to be everywhere.
Yeah.
He didn't choose for me to go live with him.
So I got to find a way to be in his living room.
And I think the, and yeah, I mean, you know, when he was, he had a like a trach in, basically, he couldn't talk.
And, but like, you do, like, was that after he had the stroke, the Valkymer?
Yeah, but it was like, it's like butterfly effect.
Like he was like stroke all the way down.
Did he ever say to you that he wished that you got that?
Got the geez.
I gotta be honest with you.
I'm on your side.
I don't, I don't think women.
I wish it was you.
I don't think women talking is like a profitable business either.
Like, trust me.
I don't.
It's ridiculous.
Why do you think I'm like investing in companies for your biological age?
Enough Spit and Grief Butterfly00:02:46
Like, I don't, this is like, we had a good run.
It was like cute for a minute, but my bio age, I don't know.
I mean, it could go either way.
I could be like embalmed from like adrenaline and stress.
You haven't done it yet?
No, I haven't done the thing yet.
Why haven't you done it?
Well, I don't know.
We were going to maybe do it today, or maybe I just want to do it with like people.
I don't know.
I want to do it with someone.
It's not ayahuasca.
I'm trying to have friends.
You've done it.
I don't know.
No, I have done it.
Do you think I'd lie?
You have a little bit of a drink.
You think the first time you say your SAT is not what you want?
You're like, I didn't take it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the fact that, oh, no, the 23andMe dude, the number, I could not fucking gag into that shit.
For so long, twice they sent it back, and they were like, you don't have enough spit.
And I was like, then I guess I'm not going to know.
You couldn't get enough spit?
No, I couldn't get enough spit into the 23andMe thing, but thank God, because that shit is like definitely selling our data.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
Whatever, which is fine.
You can have it.
But I would like to be.
Listen, I think the takeaway.
From this is that this is my final appearance on the Flagrant No.
You're more than welcome to come every single time you want one.
Um, you've come from an alcoholic home and you have come from a really tough childhood and thrived and succeeded because of it.
You have a lot of people who you care about and deeply care about you.
You become an incredibly successful and funny person not just woman person.
Um, you're going through a little bit of a lesbian thing right now.
It's just grief, dude.
Yeah, it's just grief, but it's also.
I have never been able to do what I wanted to do.
It was always like I have to do.
We weren't going back into that.
Okay, we're wrapping up.
So look, I know, but when you fucking produce something, it's okay.
It's okay.
We don't need our girlfriend's listening.
Right now.
I'm just grief.
You're more than grief.
You're more than grief.
Grief is so wild.
Grief is a wild joke.
We love you, we appreciate you.
We want everybody go check out this roast that you did, which I think because I did watch.
It is very good, it's very fun and it's very unique and I think uh, I think people and you can watch it for free.
You don't have to sign up to only fans.
It's totally.
I think comedy should be free if it's like the first thing that you you know.
So I think it's great.
So make sure you go check it out and only watch me have a nervous breakdown during the entire show.
It is a very fun.
There's great comics on it.
They make hilarious jokes and comics Because the roast started having celebrities on it.
I think there's a reason for that too, though, that I think is good.
But I think this is really cool.
If you're a big fan of comedy, you're going to know who all these people are.
And I think you really love it.
You should absolutely check it out.
And there's a roast of me coming up is the next one.
Ooh, I cannot wait for this.
You will.
I know.
I'm really annoyed that you couldn't do it for a lot of reasons.