Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee dissect the "Bad Friends" tour, contrasting New York's community with Los Angeles' fragmentation while debating Hollywood's casting biases against gay roles. They navigate explicit discussions on wealth, analyzing how $100 million could burden rather than liberate, and reflect on career risks from visa handling to Netflix specials like "Cheeseburger." Ultimately, the conversation reveals that true artistic freedom lies in comedy's unpredictability, warning that acting often feels like a collective struggle for survival amidst industry gatekeeping. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Kevin's Script and Chalky Bits00:08:36
Live from New York City, it's Playground with special guest appearances from Bill Bird.
We're never gonna make it.
The bottom's gonna drop out.
It's your fucking money.
Jordan Peterson.
Well, you know, honestly, we have to look at all that.
That's right there.
How can you be born a man and claim to be a woman?
But tell me how, Andrew.
Scientifically, it does not make sense.
Really?
Eden Hartford and Joe Biden.
What are we gonna do about Ukraine, Mr. President?
Well, you gotta understand.
Part of the reason I've never been on a.
You know, growing up in Connecticut, what a, what, what a, what a, blacks smell funny.
And now for your host, Andrew Schultz.
What's up, everybody?
Welcome to Flagrant.
And today we are joined by...
Wow, man.
Wow.
Are you the king of LA, bro?
He might be my king of LA right now.
I'm just saying, hey, Jesus.
I mean, look, it's TV.
You got new season of Dave.
It's coming to Dave.
March and mid-March coming out.
You got movie house party.
House party.
That's a big one.
That one was a big leg movie with Kev.
Movie with Kevin Hart.
Movie with Kevin Hart.
On a show.
Movie.
A Netflix show with Allie Wong that comes out.
Netflix.
Then you got the Netflix special.
Your special January 10th.
January 10th.
You got no documentaries made about you.
Nope.
That's good.
No.
Yet.
That's not.
No, it's like, it's like that feature.
That feature biggest thing.
No dots.
No dots.
No, no dots.
No dots is really how you make it in Hollywood.
Yeah, no dots.
You need no dots.
Don't get a doc, dude.
No, don't do doc.
Do script at all.
Do the script.
Stick to the script.
No doc.
You're killing it, my boy.
I hope.
I hope this year is body already.
Here's my thing.
I'm coming to New Year.
I'm moving to New York for a little while.
No, you're not.
In May.
Wow.
For a film, TV show?
Just for the way.
Just for me.
Just for me.
Chinese New Year, you're going to move to fucking sticking in them, dude.
To Chinatown.
Wow.
Let's go to Chinatown.
I got two places.
Me and Gillis are splitting a building in Chinatown.
Jump out here.
What are you guys planning on doing?
I don't know.
You'll find out, man.
Hey, I like it.
From on down.
Are you?
No, it'll be fun.
I'm going to come in May, mid-May, because Bobby and I are touring.
We're doing a Bad Friends tour March and April.
What is the Bad Friends tour?
It's not up yet.
It's not all the dates aren't official yet, but me and him are doing individual stand-up chunks.
Like we're both going to do stand-up.
I think we each want to do 20 or 30 minutes.
Yeah, 20 minutes is really fun.
And then we're doing a full production of the show, like with people from the show, with bits from the show.
The audience gets to interact and all that stuff.
So it's like a fully immersive Bad Friends live, but it's not for the internet.
We're not recording it.
You're not going to be on the episode.
But it's like a Bad Friends live episode with some of the bits that we've done over the past two years that people will get to go see.
When you say some of the bits, what do you mean by that?
Like we do the, we always make Bobby put on a dress and do script readings and stuff like that from his famous from famous scenes and films that he loves.
So people will get to pick and be able to come read a scene with Bobby and get coached by Bobby.
So this stuff like that.
This will be really smart.
It's little chunks from the show that fans have loved over the years.
Yeah.
And Bobby's actually, we're going to have a, I don't know if you guys, do you know he's a legit musician?
Do you know this?
No.
Like is actually very talented.
I mean, I assume he played violin or something like that.
That's that one.
You know, whatever that one is.
The single-string hummer, you know?
He subway.
He can love.
Dude, he can rip.
He really can.
He can play piano.
Dude, he's not.
Yeah, piano should.
Yeah, that's par for the course.
But he can do live songs and he wants to do music.
So he's going to play the music.
100%, dude.
So I think this is also what you're going to do because I was waiting for somebody to figure out the live podcast.
I'm not trying to hate on people, but I hate when people just do the podcasts in front of you.
We never could do that.
We've tried it one time in LA.
It just doesn't work.
It didn't feel right.
I've done it.
I've done it with Brilliant Idiots.
And the most fun part of it is when you have the back and forth with the audience, you do like a question and answer.
And then there's that engaging, fun, kind of live, almost like crowdwork feel.
But just having a conversation with the audience expecting something.
It's not a fucking Jordan Peterson presentation here.
You know what I mean?
You know, honestly, we have to look at all that stuff.
Exactly.
How can you be born a man and claim to be a woman?
How?
Tell me how, Andrew.
Scientifically, it does not make sense.
I was watching those videos.
The funny thing is how much that cat cries.
He cries constantly.
If you look at your woman, every other video is him being like, I'm dead serious about this.
He's like, I only eat meat.
He's like, this guy's kind of balls every time he's on air.
Dude, it's so hard.
It was hard for us to figure it out genuinely of how to do it.
And we learned fast.
When we had production meetings about it, without Bobby, of course, fuck it.
I was like, there are threes.
He's like, when are we doing it?
Yeah.
I'm like, we did it.
It's over.
We would talk about the best bits we liked from the show and the best bits that fans kept commenting on or bringing back.
And it always came down to us doing interactive shit with them.
We're like, how much more can we get them involved?
100%.
So that's going to be hard.
I mean, it's a big coordinated effort.
We're going to be having to pull people and we have, you know, people that are working for us that are going to organize it to physically get people on stage.
Because you have to be good about it.
You have to be good about it.
But how did Bobby take it when you told him you were going to replace him with Theo?
He was soaked.
He was soaked.
Yeah, man.
Fucking got to move on, dude.
Yeah, I hope I have to work in between Theo's alligator wrestling schedule.
I feel like competitively now.
Yeah, he is.
I think he plays third in nationals this year.
Yeah.
That's big.
Wow.
Not as good as Chalky Moon.
That's another guy out there.
You guys are Chalky Moon.
Yeah, of course.
Love Chalky.
Yeah, but Bob and I are going to work it out.
And then when I come to New York, he's going to come out here for a little while and then shoot out here.
Oh, really?
Yeah, he doesn't know it, but that's going to happen to us.
He doesn't have a choice.
But I wanted to come out here because I wanted to just dip out for a little while.
LA is just different now.
What does that mean?
What does that mean?
L.A. is different.
Everything is different.
You're the king, bro.
It's fucked.
It's your fault.
It's just, yeah, it's not my fault, dude.
I was just left.
The castle burned down.
I was the last cat.
Like, what happened?
You got to build it back up.
There's an opportunity.
We're trying, but I'm not.
It doesn't feel like you're trying.
Bobby's in Hawaii every other week.
You know what I mean?
You're never nowhere to be.
You're never there because it's segmented.
You don't want it.
Nah, dude.
You don't want the problem.
You don't want the crazy.
The problem is it's heavy, dude.
There's a lot of stolen jewels on the crown.
You know what I mean?
Like, you take it and you're like, you're like, I don't know who wore this before, man.
They wash their hair.
It just, it feels like you remember.
LA feels dirty.
It just feels like everyone's got a gun out.
There is no sense of community.
We talked about this before the show.
And it doesn't feel like those are collapsing.
They're going down though, bro.
Yeah, but the problem is what Joe did because everybody left.
But because they left, now everyone kind of feels like they're in their own little competitive circle because they're waiting for somebody to extend the olive branch, man.
That's the Netflix special and maybe a couple movies with Kevin Hart.
Yeah.
I need another one from Kev.
I don't know what Kevin, you know, we should call him.
We can call him on the show.
That is the thing I've noticed, especially in like this, in this career, is like everybody is naturally kind of out for themselves, right?
Because they work their entire life to get to this point, right?
And they think that I'm not saying everybody thinks a lot of people think like, oh, if I'm helping this person, if I'm using resources to help that person, maybe I won't get the thing I want.
And the way Joe flipped it on his head is he's like, I'm just going to help everybody.
And then it just made him so much bigger because it was almost like the Drake formula where it's like Drake puts on everybody and then everybody is Drake.
Drake is everybody's biggest.
The tide rises all ships.
Whatever.
Yeah, it lifts all ship.
List all ship.
It truly is.
But he was at a high level when he did that.
The problem is like you need to reach a level where you're kind of one of the only ones on there and then go, all right, let's go.
I'm going to pull everybody.
It's a level where you like sell out four shows at the Wilbur.
No, no, no, no.
The level is, the level is where you are, you have so much of a history in comedy that's built in, that you've built up, where everybody kind of looks to you a little bit already.
Like everyone kind of looked to Joe already to be like, what is he doing on the next thing?
People have to be able to do it.
Anybody that could do it?
Like, I know Shafel loves helping people.
That sounds like, yeah, you think that sounds like an excuse coming from Andrew Santi?
The Fall Line for Big LA00:02:57
Yeah, that's absolutely sad.
I think that sounds like an excuse.
I'm not big enough.
You got to be a big enough.
Because there's a lot of guys that are bigger than me in LA, but they're not taking it.
Like Jeselnik is bigger than me, and he's an LA guy, and he's not, that's not his thing.
Shots fired.
Is there anybody stealing jokes?
You got to call him out on stage.
Who's stealing jokes?
Oh, yeah.
If there's any of them.
Oh, you got to have that mind.
Continue the cycle.
Oh, wow.
Imagine they let Mencia back into the store.
I clip him again.
We just recreate the video.
No, you're stealing.
Bring Ari on stage again, the whole deal.
But also, it's like there is something about the vibe in LA that's so fragmented now.
Well, like, everyone is kind of going their own way.
Because now there's not.
Okay, like when there is a benevolent king, everybody knows who is potentially their savior.
Yeah.
Right.
So everybody knows how to, you know, fall in line.
Fall in line is kind of what.
It's like we were talking about this the other day about like stories, but like essentially all like the stories in the Bible or something like that just reinforce the behavior of the tribe.
Right.
It's like every story is like, hey, this is how you should act.
Right.
This is how you should treat people.
White privilege, by the way.
That's what that was.
That was white privilege.
So you guys started all this shit.
I'm sorry.
We were chilling in the fucking.
Yeah.
So yeah, that's our best.
We weren't bothering nobody.
We were up north.
Yeah.
We were up north, mind our own fucking business until you brought your goddamn Christianity there.
You got all goddamn Christianity.
I know.
I'm just saying.
She believed in multiple gods.
Yeah.
She really did.
We were Norsemen.
Yeah, you were.
Were we Norsemen, bro?
Yeah, polytheistic.
I was like, yo, we were all about that polytheist.
Yeah, and then black Jesus came through.
And these fucking blacks in there, Jesus.
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
Heaven's his fire.
I was like, your guys' heaven?
The first time that they, the first time they decided to really invent heaven, because even like your white parties are just like heaven.
Like, it's the same idea.
The all-white party is?
That's a good point.
Heaven on earth, baby.
Yo, Jesus was black, bro.
We know.
You don't think?
He was tan.
He was dark.
He was dark.
But maybe he was black.
He was like, cheetah.
Cheetah.
You know, he's the black.
You think he's kind of like him?
Yeah, he looked close to the heavens.
What about Al?
I think Jesus could be like, Al.
No, me.
Yeah, with the shape up.
A little too much in the sun.
He might be like, no, because it had to be somewhere in the middle.
It had to be like just tan.
I like how white people are willing to give Middle Eastern, but they're like, we're not black.
For years, it was like, go on there, blue eyes.
And they're like, all right, he's on us.
That sounds like he could have been all of us.
Yeah, but he's not brown, bronze skin and curly hair.
I don't see it.
I mean, he literally is that.
Yeah, yeah, but he's bronze.
I think he's that.
What do you look?
Take off your glasses.
No, that's not bronze.
That's not bronze.
You're really splitting hairs here.
You're splitting curly hair.
Bronze.
You're pretty close.
He's probably as close to bronze as you can get.
Midlife Hooked Documentary Fine00:15:08
Yeah.
All right, fuck you.
He will be.
Anyways, he will.
Yeah, no, it is.
Pointing he looked more like that.
Point I'm saying is the guy that everybody was looking to, right, was the guy who was the most generous.
And so everybody was like, all right, well, I better act accordingly.
Like, you know, if I'm not.
I'm not generous.
I'm not going to get on Rogan every day.
Exactly.
Still doing it self-servingly, but the king is setting a precedent where you're like a group.
So you better set the fucking tone, bro.
They're not moving to New York then.
I switched it up.
I'm staying.
Because Andrew's in LA.
Fuck New York.
New York.
I love it.
I love this.
I love this for you.
The king is back.
No, no, it's something.
Things need to change out there, but I think it's just the time and comedy needs to shift again, too.
I've talked about this.
Everyone talks about what club is doing better.
What club is doing the best?
Well, the store is always kind of a standby.
You know what I mean?
But like the improv took a big dip and now the improv is back a little bit.
But they all kind of go through these waves.
So does the city of comedy.
It's just, that's the way LA has always operated because comedy in New York is, and we don't have to fucking go inside baseball enough.
Some of these fans are like, ooh, fucking checking out.
But comedy in New York is ever changing with the city itself.
You're not attached to the business.
We still have a piece of us that are attached to the business.
So it's part of Hollywood.
It's part of our culture.
So like it's inherently going to affect who's doing stand-up and who's staying in LA for a while.
And it changes the scene.
That doesn't happen here.
I mean, it just is not a part of the culture.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And whether or not it's like super deliberate, it just happens.
It ends up being a part of it.
100%.
So I think that's kind of part of LA's growth cycles are when it's humming and things are working and young people are getting up and getting more in Hollywood and their names become bigger.
And it helps the scene in LA kind of grow and thrive.
I also think part of the Rogan thing was because people who moved to LA, you're like you said, you're drawn to, even if you're a comic, you're drawn to show business in Hollywood.
Yeah.
But once Rogan popped up, it's like, oh, maybe I can make money without that.
I don't need to cater to that.
Yeah, that's a healthy way to think because he made it possible for people to even feel that way, even if it wasn't going to be true.
Maybe you need to remind them.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I don't want to.
Maybe you need to get some more bad friends.
Is it also possible that people are more reluctant to get as close to one another because we don't know what other people are doing in their private sector?
No, see, I think it's less that documentary.
I think people think that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Documentary.
The docs are.
No, you know what it is?
I know what you mean, but I think truly it's more about we're so self-serving as comics.
Everyone is selfish.
Every comic you know is a selfish person.
Oh, yeah.
Your degrees of selfishness vary.
But because we're self-serving, that city makes you even more self-serving.
Because I don't have to see you, dude.
I can get in my car, go to a spot, and I can go home to my family.
And people can do that every night of the week.
See, Schultz is slick.
Oh, sorry.
Slick.
I can't even talk about him.
What I do.
What did I do?
Yeah, why are you doing it?
There's only room for one New York Andrew.
That's why.
He's trying to keep him over there.
He's trying to keep him over there.
Son of a bitch.
Yeah, I see you.
I see that.
How'd you feel?
How'd you touch him?
That was crafty.
That was crafty.
I like that.
I like you.
I guess.
He's like, yo, LA is a good idea.
I know it's you.
Oh, don't leave.
You can't leave.
Whoa.
We don't need to see each other.
Now I need to do reverse psychology.
Now I need to get you to New York.
Oh, yeah.
You know, they made documentaries illegal here?
Yeah.
They literally can't do docs in New York.
They made documentaries illegal in this city.
All right.
First jump movement in flight.
Hey, I'm coming.
I'm moving.
I wanted to change, though.
I do want to come here for a while because I want to feel something different for a while.
What do you want to feel?
I just want a new scene, man.
I want a new, I want it.
I want to do, I want to work the clubs here.
And I also want just a little bit different.
You got to find yourself, you know?
Yeah.
This is your India.
You know what?
This is.
This is.
You know what I've said before?
I'm 40 this year.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
I don't like midlife crisis.
I like midlife assessment.
You're reassessing where you're going and what you want.
I hate the term midlife crisis.
I think it is.
That's why I don't say assessment.
You know what I'm saying?
It's a midlife assessment.
Y'all sound so fucking old, dog.
No, no, no.
Fair enough.
Midlife.
Midlife.
Not old.
It takes midlife, though.
This idea that a guy reaches midlife and then starts buying nice shit, he's having a crisis.
It takes your whole life to have the money to buy a fucking thing.
That's what it really is.
It's not a crisis.
No.
We have to buy things for ourselves.
You finally got it.
That's all it is.
Yeah, I could afford it.
I worked hard for fucking 20 straight years.
Yeah, they came to me.
So you can move to a real city.
Well, I want to move to a real city.
You would have earned it.
I want it because I want it because you're sick of them fucking Jews running hollow.
That's what you said.
You can't say these things.
That's anti-Semitic when you say that, dude.
No, I love how they run it.
I think they're doing a good job.
I think they're doing fantastic job.
I like all the movies.
I'm going to cut to a clip right now.
Josh Ang Redemption Dream movie.
That's one of my favorite movies.
Josh Ang Redemption.
I want to cut to a commercial of you reading a noping, like, I am not anti-Semitic.
I would announce to all of my friends and brothers.
Yeah, please.
If I was leaving Hollywood because of Jews, you think I'd move to New York?
It's like the worst move I've ever made.
Walking into it.
But I do think I just want to feel something different.
And also, I've a.
Are you bringing the wife out?
Are you going to keep her out there?
No, no, no.
She stays in L.A. You're a real man, bro.
No, she's excited.
She likes it.
You're a real man, dude.
Yeah.
That's real man shit.
Yeah, you stay here.
What?
You wait for me, baby.
How did you even break it to her?
She's chained up.
Whoa.
No, I tell you, ankle or neck.
You know what I said?
Both.
You, the documentary, is connected to the ankle.
Yeah.
He's just like the angle.
The opening of the documentary.
I told her.
Well, I actually asked her.
I said, I said, because we had some stuff in our family lives that affected us deeply, that was real, that personal stuff in our family lives, both of our families.
Some shit, you know?
Did Bobby make fun of you about it?
Because I saw a clip of that that was very insensitive.
Yeah, he's an insensitive piece of shit.
She was making fun of it.
Well, I was open about it.
I talk about it in my special that my dad got diagnosed with cancer and to be okay.
But it affected us in a way where we started to like...
Type.
What type?
I'm going to get into it.
But it was all like, it affected us in a way where I was like, oh, shit.
I really want to.
Are we going to see?
Are we going to see my dad?
How many more times am I going to see my dad?
You want to be, you want to be.
Yeah, so I thought, like, maybe we want to, let's change our lives to go.
Well, you know, I got skin cancer from this.
That's coming no matter what.
You can't escape skin.
But I was like, how many more years do I have left?
Yeah.
With family.
With family.
As a whole, just an idea.
So I was like, do we want to be stuck out here or can we have more freedoms to go where we want to go and pull my family to different places?
I'm not going to tell you, man.
But is it something that he can do?
These Indians, dude.
They go to pre-med.
He's so curious.
He wants to help you, but is it something he can do?
My dog's fine.
No, he's fine.
He's good.
So he's survived it.
He's going to be okay.
Is it colon?
Is it Colin?
He's fine.
You cannot just keep asking.
I've had a lot of cancer in my fucking life.
No, I don't.
But he's going to be fine.
He's going to be fine.
But it's just like, it got me.
He can't keep asking.
He doesn't want to talk about it.
He doesn't want to talk about it.
You talk about the testicular joint.
No, no, I just have to.
Hand your fucking story.
I know.
Just let me wear the dot.
I haven't thought yet.
I thought I had testicular cancer.
Oh, you have Verico's Vancouver?
No, I have a lump on my testicle.
I've had it for years.
Oh, but that's fine.
Is it the other ball?
Yeah, that's another thing.
You have to be careful with that.
It could just be, there's supposed to be two.
Oh, get out of fucking.
There's two balls.
So if you feel the lump next to the other one, that's just your other ball.
Don't you worry about it.
There's only one.
There's only one.
He checked it.
Did you feel it or Bobby felt it on his chin?
You do mouth tests.
You don't do mouth tests with your voice?
Mouth tests.
And you just.
That's how we tested COVID in the show, eh?
And we dip, we dip.
Always feel which weight of the tongue is heavier when I dip his dick.
That's by the way.
That's something we had to talk about on the tour that I was like, dude, you can't show your little pecorino on the tour.
Yeah, it's illegal now.
It's illegal now.
That's documentary.
Yeah, yeah.
That's documentary.
Yeah, yeah.
For Bobby, that's a short film.
It's actually a con this year.
He's doing good.
I killed.
But no, he, but I told him, I said, because he loves to do manginas.
He likes to tuck his balls in his ass.
That's fine.
That's fine.
See, that's what I said.
I said, that's fine as long as you don't show gentles, but you can't turn around and give him the bulldog.
Here's the thing.
There is a length of dick where it's more funny.
His dick is offensive.
Inherently.
And if you have a big dick, it's threatening.
It's an inverse relationship.
Exactly.
Yeah, bigger dick, you cannot show.
My dick, hysterical.
Exactly.
So I've seen his dick.
Also, Bobby's dick is bigger than he presents it to be.
Of course.
He presents it as a negative.
Yeah, because it's part of the joke for him.
Yeah, I know.
It takes.
I thought that, and then he showed it to me.
And my first reaction was like, your dick's way bigger than I thought.
That's marketing.
And I didn't know what to say in that moment.
Venus marketing.
Have you seen a real micro penis that he, like, when he jokes about?
Have you seen a real micro penis?
I saw him take a deep breath and it looked at it like it.
When he gets the hiccups, it's bad.
It goes right in.
I had, actually, my fucking, my wife said she hooked up with a dude years and years ago.
Oh, this is great.
And she goes down, she goes to take his pants off.
Yeah.
And he had a micropenis.
And she was like, like most people, you're like, it's a unicorn.
You're like, is it real?
Yeah.
Because I've never known anybody.
You feel like you would meet somebody at some point.
Don't you love it when your wife makes up those stories?
You were hooked up with other guys, one micropenis once.
Get a wife.
Get a wife.
It was like, she was like, I felt so bad.
Because what was I?
She was like, I played with it for a second, but there's nothing you could do.
What do you?
Did she rub it like a clip?
Yeah, you do two fingers on, two or three fingers on.
No, but she said, she said this, she knew this must happen constantly every time that like girls back off a little bit or they just want to go kiss again or something.
And then he pushed her away and was like, it's all right, don't worry about it.
Oh, this story come up.
Were you talking about like the biggest puss that you ever got?
No, I'm saying, well, I talked about walking into some.
Open it up and shit.
I think one time we were doing that thing.
Everybody's done that with your significant other or your wife or your girlfriend or at some point.
You're like, you know, I want to hear some of the history for fun.
You love none of it?
Never.
None of it.
Give me a couple.
I want to figure it out.
Yeah.
Because I want to know.
I didn't bring it up.
You're at dinner.
Did you have, like, who have you had?
Have you strayed outside?
Have you had fucking something else?
Have you ever licked a chick?
Have you ever fucked, you know what I mean?
Like, the girl stuff.
Girl stuff.
I don't know.
You don't want to know?
Yeah, the girl stuff.
You don't want to know at all.
You think your wife didn't fuck anybody?
Do you think comedians are secure people?
I mean, he doesn't mind.
He doesn't mind his wife getting stuffed with dicks.
You guys got a stick with your birds.
You don't want to know.
You don't want to know.
No, I know.
No one wants to know, but you know it's a reality.
You want to know.
Yeah.
I just want to fucking, I wanted to hear if we were sharing at the beginning when we were first dating.
I wanted to, I was like, you know, what's your history, Left?
You know the number?
Body counts?
Yeah, it's like 109, 110, 10.
Well, a net, what?
Oh, bro.
Nah, nah.
Check the car facts, bro.
That is crazy.
You just said 109.
Imagine girl with triple-digit body.
It's out there, dude.
Oh, dude.
Just has to be out there.
Yeah, what do you mean?
It's probably out there a lot.
Way more than you know.
Yeah.
No way.
Yes, dude.
Yeah, yeah.
Yes, dude.
Way more than you think.
When a girl says like 10, she means 30.
Hell.
You think they divide it by 3?
Always.
100%.
Oh, they divide their number by 3.
Yes, of course.
Really?
There's no way.
Multiplying his number by 3.
Yes.
No, American Pie 2.
Check it out.
Good point.
I don't do that.
That was a great.
I believe that wholeheartedly.
Yeah, I do believe that.
I don't want to believe that.
I think they cut it in half and half.
I don't want to believe it.
The guys multiply.
That makes sense.
Sorry, man.
Whatever makes you sleep at night.
Yo, do you think that your girl has slept with three times the amount of guys she's told you?
What the fuck did you just ask?
Why not?
I need to make it real.
I didn't say body cap.
I said, I don't want to hear about a couple of the previous.
Why do you want to hear what I make?
That's the beat.
What are you going to get out of that?
What are you going to get out of that?
I just want to make sure.
You don't fit with that dude.
I just want to make sure you're checking off, you know.
She got good taste.
That's some fuck shit.
And make sure she got good taste.
Imagine all the dudes previous were just some lame-ass dudes.
And I'm like, fuck.
Am I one of those?
Yeah, that's fine.
Come on.
That's Fragile Eagle.
You can't even hear.
You might be more fragile, bro.
I don't know.
That's weird.
What's your one guy dude?
I'm believing you.
I've hooked up with three girls.
Yeah, you don't believe in yourself enough, bro.
I'm multiplying, okay?
Well, they're all multiplying a little.
It's multiplied by what?
It's 21.
So you don't think your girl has got the Riz unless she's hooked up with finer dudes than you?
Not finer, but you want to know that she's interested in good stock.
Yeah.
He's dressing those other redheads.
He's like, oh, thank God.
Was I the only one?
Oh, yeah.
Was I the only one?
Is that a fetish?
If you have five other redheads in a row, if you fucked up two other redheads, I'd be like, oh, fuck this.
Yeah.
Whoa, because then you couldn't trust her love.
She was just like, because then she said, then it's a thing.
Then I'm like a foot.
Yeah.
I don't want to be a fucking foot.
What's wrong with that?
What's wrong with feet?
You don't like feet, dude?
No, I don't want to be a fetish like a foot.
And I do love feet.
I fuck with feet.
That's what I'm talking about.
That's what I'm talking about.
You don't like feet?
Nah, bro.
Oh, get out of here, bro.
I like grabbing the feet.
Grow up, right?
This guy doesn't know shit.
He wants to know all the guys.
And then you like feet.
You're like, why do you want to go?
That's a midlife right now.
Yeah, that's the matter of sex.
They're like, I got to change it.
I'm in crisis.
And I've been like this since I'm young.
I almost had a child.
I know what to say.
And it makes sense for kids.
They're closer, the feet.
You know what I mean?
I read a study about that babies climb on the floor and then you get inherently attracted to feet.
No, there's no way.
You want to come over your mom's feet, bro?
That's wild crazy, bro.
My mom got nice feet.
He does.
Just sucking on toes, bro.
He does.
He does got nice feet.
I've seen that Schultz movie.
You don't got nice feet.
Just sucking on a big toe.
Like, where's the big out?
You know, you're on there, by the way.
What, WikiFeet?
You are on there without a doubt.
What does that mean?
Dave, somebody took a picture of you while you were like on vacation and you put up on Instagram.
Your feet, I guarantee you, your feet are on there.
I'm cool with that.
Yeah, but you want to know what your rank is.
Yeah, the rating is where I dig sorry.
You got nasty foot.
My left foot is horrible.
My right foot, not bad.
See, he's on that left foot.
I'm telling you, I knew he was on that motherfucker easy, bro.
Oh, it's a high-ranking.
What do I got?
What is he?
4.6.
4.6.
Pretty good.
It's pretty good.
No, but those are old.
Put up current pictures of these foot.
Let me see these ganglers.
My God.
That's not bad.
Fuck out of here.
No, they're not nice, dude.
These aren't.
Good Foot Black Toe WikiFeet00:02:54
You know yourself you don't deserve that score.
What are you doing there, bro?
What was that?
A black toe?
What was that?
That's how his foot looks.
No, I had side was in.
I'm an athlete.
I was doing athletic things.
I got a black toe.
I dropped a weight basketball.
I just fucking stopped too hard.
You know what I mean?
And then jammed my foot.
You guys wouldn't know about it.
That's you out of the water.
I wear shoes.
Look at me.
That's a picture I got fucking sleeping.
He thought this foot was fire.
It is.
He thought this foot was fire.
It's like, I'm matching the shirt and the sandals.
What's wrong with that?
You do that.
What's wrong with that?
That's the sandwich.
That wanted to get along with the athletes.
He's like, yo, man, shut up, bro.
Show shit about style.
That's colorful and shit.
I stand by it.
I stand by what I said.
Anyway, what's your score?
Well, I don't know.
Look at my rating just so much for my ego.
Yeah.
I'm surprised how high his score.
4.6.
That's pretty.
You look like you got hairy feet, bro.
No, they're clean.
That's sweet.
That's not suspect.
4.9.
No way.
Wow.
King of New York.
King is bad.
Prop him up, baby.
Prop him up.
12 and a half breakwater stompers, my dog.
Wow.
Let's see.
Let's see.
Scroll down, please.
Son, you almost got a perfect score.
That's good.
Look at that.
And your boy on the boat, even looking fly on a fucking boat with my foot.
Cabs out.
I don't really, I'm not seeing any feet.
I need to see a clear picture of the shit.
You're right there, bro.
Look at that jealous Andrew.
I'm really jealous, bro.
Who's the Andrew with the flyest feet?
I don't see it, man.
Yo, Mark, you can't get the fuck out of here.
I'm trying to get it.
That's a good foot.
That's a good foot.
And I'm being cute with him, too.
See, look at that.
I'm being real.
Look at that right foot.
He's like flirting with you right now.
Look at that right foot.
That shit hides.
Go to the one in the bulls jersey.
You hiding something.
Go to the one in the bulls jersey.
Yeah.
My guy.
Whoa.
You got a good arm.
Look at the stems.
You got a good foot, dude.
I got a nice foot.
You got a good foot.
What do you want?
You like, yo, Al, we not talked about the legs.
I'm talking about the legs.
I'm just saying.
You could have given to him.
Not told about the legs, bro.
The stems are right.
Chill out.
The stems are right.
We're talking about feet.
He's just bringing legs into the street.
I'm just saying, that's right.
Let him have it, dude.
Look at that.
That's a fucking horse outside, bro.
Let him run.
He's a hater.
Let him run.
Yo.
Yo, Andrew the stallion out there.
4.9, God bless.
4.85.
He's higher than you.
Five is higher than you too, bro.
Asians should have that.
Yeah, yeah.
They're supposed to have really nice.
This is like their basketball.
Yeah, but they ain't break his shit to get it in the fucking dent shoes and shit right there and bind them together.
I mean, yeah, these are real feet, bro.
These are actually nice.
All right.
Good for you.
Let's move on.
Moving on.
Yo, let's move on.
I'm tired of this.
Nah, leave that picture up, bro.
That shit is all right.
We can't.
All right, what else?
New Car Technology Screen 2500:09:31
What else?
I'm curious about this movie.
What can you tell us from the movie and from the new season of Dave?
I'll tell you, I can tell you this.
The house party movie.
Yeah.
I can tell you that it took a long time for them to shoot it.
How white can you?
The guy Cal Maddick that shot it shot him.
Cal did that.
He did white man can't jump.
White man can't jump.
Dude, it was fun, but my reach in it is so tiny.
Like, I'm not as deep in it as I want to be.
I mean, they put me in the whole fucking trailer, which scares me.
It's like, I'm in the whole fucking trailer, and I'm like, I'm not even in it.
I'm gonna assume what's going on in the movie?
You know, you can sue for that now.
Shut up.
These guys just want a lawsuit.
So Anna DeArmas, or whatever that girl is, Anna Diarmas, whatever, yeah.
She was in a trailer for a movie that she got cut out of, and somebody bought tickets to go see the movie, and then she wasn't in it.
Oh, wow.
So they sued to get the money back.
So you can sue the company.
If they cut you out of this movie, no, I'm in it for sure.
She sued for $15.
No, she didn't sue.
No, the ticket buyer.
The ticket buyers.
Yeah, the guy.
I want my $15.
Yo, just call.
Yeah.
I mean, you got to go through a lawsuit for you, fucking loser.
You hire a lawyer for $15?
Yeah.
What the fuck is that?
You would do that.
What a dork.
That's like some cheap shit.
No, I don't call customer service.
Are you cheap?
Are you cheap?
Oh, my God.
Why are you so cheap?
What's the deal?
Yeah, it's a part of the thing.
It's part of the setting thing.
But like, cheap how, like, relative to Indiana.
Do you ever pick up a tab?
Yeah, I'll do that.
Like, if you guys go out together, you'll pay the bills.
Yeah, I think you're really just.
I am very insecure about being a freeloader.
I hate that.
So I will make sure to try to, I probably try to overcompensate with, like, let me pay.
And it's all, that's an Indian thing, too.
Fighting over the bill.
Probably most immigrants.
But like when the bill comes out, I want to pay.
I want to pay.
I want to pay.
Like, you know what that is.
Are you able to treat your parents or did they will never let you pay?
They will.
If I buy my mom a gift, she will actively go return it.
She'll like find a way to get the money back.
I bought her a purse that was outside the return window.
I gave it to her after 30 days.
Took it back.
Where about your dad?
He'd be an eye.
He'd do an eye.
Yeah, he's fine.
I do anything for him.
That's fine.
I bought my mom a car for Christmas.
What kind of car?
I bought her a BMW 330i.
My mom, I'm not going to say her age because it's no one's business, but she has never had a new car her whole fucking life.
Wow.
That makes sense.
And I decided, I talked to my business manager.
I was like, I need to buy my mom a new car.
She's never had a new car.
Did you do a whole thing, like keys in a box, go outside, bow on the car?
What I did, what a bow was on the car.
I got a video of it, but what happened was I told my mom, I went and bought the car when I went back to Chicago and I put it at a family friend's house.
And I said to my mom, On Christmas Day, I said, I'm going to go get coffee because you don't have any coffee.
And she's like, there's no fucking coffee shops open in the neighborhood.
And I was like, yes, there is.
And I found one because of that.
So I went, I took her car, and then I came back and I was like, I fucking hit an embankment.
It was snowing in Chicago.
I was like, I slid the car into an embankment and her car was like an 07.
And she was like, that's great.
So I was like, no, it's wrecked.
She's like, so?
I was like, mom, I fucked up your whole car.
And she was like, I don't give a shit.
Do you want eggs or not?
I was like, come look at the car.
I fucked up in the garage.
At some point, I was like, pissed off.
And my dad's like, how bad is it?
I'm like, shut the fuck up.
He's the worst actor.
He's like, how bad could the accident have been?
I'm like, dude, you don't look bad at all.
You look fucked.
You look bad.
Fuck.
So I was like, come look at it.
And then finally, she drove out to the garage and I had, you know, swapped out her car.
And my dad pulled out his car and it was just her car with a big red bow on it in the garage.
And what'd she do?
Waterworks, man.
She was really.
She couldn't believe it.
She was like happy and then angry, then annoyed.
Because she's like, why would you fucking do this?
Why would you buy me a new car?
But she's never had anything brand new and nice ever her whole life.
So I had to lace her up with the woman.
Now, here's the real important question.
Yeah, it made me feel good, dude.
How did the wife take it when you told her you're going to buy your mom a brand new car?
She was supportive.
She got a new car.
She got a brand new car.
She had to get a brand new car too.
There's always a negotiation.
You can't just go to the car.
Everybody gets a car.
You'll get a car.
You'll get a car.
No, she, it was, it was a, she knew, dude, she knew.
Like, she was super happy about it.
Dude, I'm going to buy my mom a car too.
No, but I don't know how to broach it.
I got a car too.
We got a 2012 Honda according.
If your wife doesn't have a nice car already, she looks at you like, I'm your mom now.
I don't know how to broach it.
I got a 2012 Honda according.
I'm going to buy my mom a 2023 or whatever.
Yeah.
It's going to be a conversation.
Yeah, it's going to be a conversation.
I'm going to lace the wife up first.
She already has a car that she loves.
So that was no problem.
But it was, she's never had a new car.
And she's always had this thing about little beam, like little three series.
You know, she loves little tiny three series.
She just bangs around town.
She doesn't go that far.
So she's always talked about it.
So I got her little 330i with the M package on it.
So it's got all the sports shit.
She don't know what to do with that M package to be honest.
Really?
No, she honestly, she loves it.
I mean, she's always driven as fast as she can go.
And I was like, now you'll actually be able to drive quick in like a fun little tiny, you know, compact car.
I'm always curious about that.
Do you get your dad a gift after?
He didn't get shit.
He's a long kind of guy, dog.
He's a long kind of guy.
I'm gonna tell you what my dad got for real.
He doesn't quiet.
The greatest gift ever.
Give her the sport mode.
Hit Milwaukee.
See you later.
He got a gift card to Tommy Bahama, and he was like, He's like, This is perfect.
I don't want it.
There's a wing place near the house.
I got him a gift card to the wing joint, and he was like, This is amazing.
This is the fucking best Christmas of my life.
You can't buy from my dad.
It's him.
It's every dad.
There's nothing for dad.
It's nothing that they like.
Well, they don't need it.
They wouldn't want it.
And even if you're like, this is a cool new piece of technology, they're like, that's analogy.
I'm wasting my time.
Yeah, yeah.
My dad's iPad is the second generation, the second one they ever made.
And he'll call me and be like, the screen doesn't flip to the next screen.
I'm like, yeah, because that's not an iPad.
It was made in 2008.
Yeah.
You just have a little piece of old technology that you don't need to use anymore.
Don't try.
Yeah, you're an extra sketcher.
Thank you.
Send me a picture.
So he doesn't get anything.
He doesn't want anything.
But it was, it was like nice to, for the first time in my life, I thought, you know, like you, you hear like rappers talk about buying their mom's houses or cars and shit.
Yeah.
And for the first time, I was like, this is as close to a rapper as I'll ever be.
How long before your mom complained about something to you?
Oh, nana.
She hasn't since?
She's not like that.
That's good.
The only thing that scares her is because she's older, older, is that the technology in cars now is bananas.
Her car's from 08.
It's like the tech, the tech now.
That's an Obama car.
Dude, it's fucking here.
This, the screen is three and a half feet long.
She has no fucking idea how to do any of that shit.
The touch screen, it's nuts.
I mean, it's like for her, her car has a CD player and a tape deck still in the fucking thing.
She doesn't, it's like all that shit is so new.
That was daunting.
So I set her up at a dealership to do, they give you like, they hire 20-year-olds now at car dealerships to give old people tech lessons.
Like how the Apple, like a genius bar at the fucking car.
Yeah, for real.
So this young girl, this nice girl, went in the car with my mom for an hour, went through all the shit, and my dad's in the back like a dork taking notes.
You know?
He's like, now the, this, when you set the speed, it'll automatically, and I'm like, dude, will you fucking stop?
You're fucking, because already they're overwhelmed with information.
Yeah, yeah.
And you don't need all that shit.
And by the way, I told my mom, you'll use none of it.
Yeah.
That's the problem with new cars.
I have all sorts of bullshit on my car.
I've never used any of the things.
That's the scary part is that you're looking at your parents.
You're like, these guys, they don't understand technology.
And you're probably like four years away from that.
100%.
Young bitch.
I hate this motherfucker talking about bitch.
I hate you a little bit more.
I know.
I can't wait for you to get sciatica, you fucking asshole.
Just wait till your back seizes up something.
This is actually funny because you're an old soul.
The first time I think we ever hungry.
No, you just called you old again.
That was crazy.
He called you old on the inside.
Yeah.
There's nothing inside.
So now you've got nothing left.
You're old already on the outside, but you can't even be young.
No, the outside looks good.
The Botox is holding up.
No, it's good.
It's good.
But the yoga at best.
I'm confident.
No, but I'm feeling good.
I'm trying my best.
I'm holding it together.
You've held on to your 30s for like 20 years.
Like at 20, you look 30.
Exactly.
And now at 40, you still look in there.
I'm 30 something.
You're holding on perfectly.
God bless you.
No, it's beautiful.
First time we ever hung out, we were talking, and he goes, he's like about to tell me a story.
He's like, oh, yeah, by the way, how old are you?
At the time, I was like 25.
I was like, I'm 25.
He goes, oh, okay.
And goes and talks to someone else.
Yeah, completely.
I was like, I can't talk to you.
Nothing to say.
What do you want to talk about?
Something adult-like?
It's probably adult conversations like you have with them.
Your wife's been dogged up by anyone?
Like, what's good?
What's good?
Wife ever had a microphone, bro.
Can we talk about some man shit?
I don't know.
I don't even remember what we were talking about, but I remember when he said that, I was like, oh, I can't have a good conversation with this motherfucker.
But of course, I could because I love him to death.
I was just like, he's an old soul, too.
Yeah, he's way old taller than me, bro.
You're fucking 55.
You already live on the island somewhere.
I'm trying to get a rant, dude.
He looks like a dude that made a fuckload of money in like music licensing or something.
You know what I'm saying?
And he lives in St. Barbara.
He made a jingle for like Arby's.
Right, exactly.
What?
That beef is a treat.
That beef is a treat.
Yeah.
Anyway, that was my shit.
Yeah, you know the one.
Yeah.
But seriously, though, that's what I feel.
Your energy is like you already did it.
Like he feels like you already lived it in another life.
So you get to calm down and grow into it slower.
Oh, wow.
Gay Guy Role Glorified Belt00:05:49
Yeah, like when I was 25, when you were 25, our energy was way different than that.
Restless.
I mean, it was like chaos.
And it was wrong because we were all too hungry at that age.
You were like, well, can I do this?
How do I get to the thing?
How do I have that?
We were just trying to get pussy, Andrew.
I think that's really the debt.
All I wanted was, all I wanted was to, like, you, I wanted the business.
I was like, how the fuck do I get on?
How do I get another?
How do I get to the thing?
How do I get to the, how do I, I was so concerned.
Were you married back then?
No, dude.
No.
No, no, six years ago.
I was so assumed.
Psycho.
Nah, dudes.
Dudes and chicks.
No, not dudes, dude.
You wouldn't hook up a dude.
Did you ever kiss a guy, actually?
In any capacity?
Okay.
For a role?
2023, dude.
Come on.
No, would you would you go gay for a role?
Here's the funny thing.
No.
Give your heart for the answer.
They won't even let you.
What do you mean?
They won't let you.
Oh, yes.
I got me gay for a role.
They didn't make you do shadows.
They made me gay.
They made him be gay where you belong.
What is it to me?
Because they see the way you walk, dude.
You're gay.
Your gait is soft.
It's the legs.
I know.
It's the legs.
Your gait is soft.
And they go, uh-oh.
No, you know what?
He got fucked in his ass in a bathroom rest house.
Yeah, I got fucked in.
They won't let you play.
They wouldn't let me play gay because the internet.
You would play gay.
You play, what is it called?
When you're really gay, you don't control sexual.
No, man, the problem is the internet now would be like, why would you hire a straight guy to play a gay guy when there's plenty of gay actors that we that?
But those actors are out.
The problem is they don't want you in those things anymore.
They don't want.
You can play closet.
You could play closet.
I could play out.
I could play out.
Nah, dude.
You could never play out.
You don't believe me as a gay guy?
You, dude?
You don't believe me as a gay guy?
I believe you.
George Peterson.
I'll never be a gay guy.
I'll be gay right now.
Dude, don't even try it.
I'm not gay.
You can't make me gay.
Well, you're me.
I sucked your dick on a podcast.
You're gay now.
What?
No, you can't.
You can't.
You can't.
I'm being no joke.
They won't let you be a straight guy who's playing gay because they'll light you up online for being cast when there's other actually gay men.
But what about a closeted guy?
Maybe, but I'm saying it would be a Hollywood is like so concerned with the backlash of like, oh, you're not, you're not Pakistani.
You're Indian.
Does that bother you that you can't play gay roles?
You seem very upset by this.
A little bit pissed off.
Yeah.
It limits my scope.
Like, what have I been training for?
But would I do it?
Yes.
Would you play broke back where you got to like tongue down the dude and just fucking break it?
No, and that's not me being homophobic.
I just don't fucking, that's not, I don't, that's not it for me.
Wait, I love that.
I'm going to go with that.
It's just not it for me.
Let's look at it.
And that's okay.
But not it in what way?
What do you mean by not it?
Why is it your cheeks to just get clapped?
Like, let's just say, for example, a guy's grabbing your belt.
Yeah.
Your belt's still on?
Yeah, I don't wear a belt.
No, no, no, no.
Your belt in this character, the belt is still on around your waist, and then he just clapping cheeks.
But he's not really fucking you, but you could feel his dick slapping against your legs.
If it was funny enough, yeah.
No, not funny.
Romance.
I'd make it funny as shit, though.
It's a horror in what?
I'd just be like, gotta let him have it.
No, you know what?
I wouldn't play.
I wouldn't, I would do, if it was wild enough and creative and crazy.
Yeah, I would try anything.
But like, I don't know.
That's never going to happen.
I'm telling you.
Hollywood has this, you cannot do what you aren't.
What's that technique where you like, you live it?
Method.
Method act.
Would you go method with it?
Like for that month, you're just gay getting smoked out and bars and gay for a month.
I would do it for a couple months.
They'd let you be gay if you're gay for a couple months.
You think I'm coming to New York for a while?
What are you talking about, bro?
What do you mean?
Don't pull away.
Don't pull away.
Why do you think I'm coming to New York?
I would.
Leading superheroes.
What I want to do, I want to do some, I would love to do like a big deep character wild, like a character.
Like everyone gave shit to that dude for doing Dahmer.
I would have fucking loved to do that shit.
Really?
Oh, that kid's a great actor.
Yeah, that was fun as fuck.
That's how you, if you buried me in that, fuck yeah, I would have loved to do that.
And would you do method?
100%, dude.
I'd be killing gay guys all along.
I did his on our show, and people got mad because people were like, you're glorifying a man who killed gay people.
It's like, well, he was gay.
He was just a serial killer.
It just so happened he killed people that he loved, that he was interested in.
What's the difference?
It's like, it wasn't a glorification.
It was a real fucking story.
What do you mean you glorified it?
They glorified.
They got clapped for... The bays?
Yeah, no, no, but people said Netflix glorified gay murder.
You're like, bro, that's a real tale.
It's not like they made up that he just went after games.
You know, Netflix glorifies a lot of murder.
Do they know that?
That's like Netflix.
I know, but when it gets into like a gay or a minority category, the lens goes deeper.
They're like, what are you really trying to say?
You're like, that's what he did.
That's what he did.
That's not what Netflix is trying to say.
Also, Netflix, again, has a lot of people.
Coming outside watching a video with me.
Dude, I love the way his cadence, where he's like, just sit down.
I'm not bad.
I made you a sandwich.
Oh, dude, I loved it.
He was so good, man.
He was so like balanced and calm.
But I would do some shit like that.
I would do some like weird character.
Like, what's the dream role?
Do you want to play a famous person?
No, unless the famous story was.
It is one of the easier ways to get an Oscar is to play somebody that we've all already seen.
George Washington.
And you're great at imitating.
You could do him.
Kanye.
Kanye, I could do him.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I mean, I looked a little bit like that guy.
But is there like a guy where you go, I would want to play.
And you're great at impersonating, so we would be blown away by it.
I don't think there's, I don't know if there's, who's a famous enough redhead for me to dye your hair, dude?
Yeah.
That's an imagination.
Everybody could see through that shit.
You dye your hair.
You're not natural redhead.
No, this is yeah, I'm Hollywood's not gonna like that.
Tidy Hair Dude Nice Eyebrows00:04:22
You're not a natural redhead, dude.
Everybody knows you're not natural redhead.
Look at your eyebrows.
Your eyebrows are mostly brown.
Of course, this is my fucking hair color.
Santino.
Your method.
Come on, dude.
Your method.
What's your method I am?
Talk that talk in your fucking hair.
What is that, dude?
Is it?
I think it's a pussy, bro.
I think you've got a little pussy down there, dude.
It's a micropenis, I guess.
Technically, yeah.
You didn't look at his pubic hair, dude.
I'm good on that.
I didn't even, you know, yeah.
He can't be caught.
He can't be caught.
Yeah, because why?
What do you think?
There's a different pressure.
People can't be caught looking at another man's pen.
Yeah, but he's dressed like a flamingo.
No, I know.
They're also vibrant, right?
Yeah, come on.
Vibrant, but they're afraid of being gay.
Why is that, dude?
Today's Easter, baby.
Whoa, we do this.
But he doesn't look either.
Because he can't have the internet see him doing that.
Ah, it's more about what people would think.
It's perception.
That's not what he feels.
He doesn't care.
You don't want to see your shit either.
You love guys all the time when you meet them.
That's your thing.
Walk up, give them a hug, feel your dick against them.
He gave me a kiss on the nose when I walked in.
There it is.
You do that.
And he goes, you are very tidy.
He goes, how have you been?
Rent him a bunch of kisses.
Five kisses.
Yeah, I think.
Why do you got to tell everybody?
Well, bro.
You try to act like you're not interested when he just brought out the pubes.
That was crazy of you.
You shave your pubes down a little bit.
I trim them down.
You have to.
Wait, why do you have to?
Is that a Hollywood thing?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's part of it, dude.
You walk into a meeting.
You have to show your pube.
You keep it.
You don't trim it at all.
No, I do.
I do.
I do.
Don't be as obvious.
I want to.
You do it for her?
Yeah.
Oh, I do it for me.
Oh, really?
I think it's nice and tidy.
I like to clean it up.
If I'm feeling very late with that.
Yeah, it feels better to me when it's nice and tidy.
When it's loose and nuts, when I let it go too much, it overgrows.
It looks fucking gross.
Yeah, I don't like it.
It makes you feel better about yourself.
Well, when I'm jerking off, I'm just like, dude, what am I doing?
Yeah.
What are you talking about?
Really?
You don't jerk off anymore?
Almost never.
He stopped doing that.
Almost never.
Because.
No, I just don't do it.
His sex drives.
Your testosterone's low?
Check his teeth.
I don't know.
Check his teeth.
I don't like testosterone.
Yeah.
That's mainly it.
That's the problem.
As soon as your ball's dropped, you'll get to it.
Exactly.
I think my jerk off schedule has gone down as I've gotten older, but I still got to fucking talk.
Like every day?
No, what the fuck?
What am I?
16?
I'm trying to understand you.
I don't jerk off.
I'll jerk off probably once a week.
Oh.
What?
Are you more than that?
Well, you're more than that.
Calm down.
I don't dig my tea over here.
Jesus Christ.
Once a week I'll jerk off.
A week.
Yeah, once or twice a week.
That's barely jerking off, dude.
No, it's not.
Don't double it up to twice.
Once or twice a week is that's that's normal for me because I'm fucking her the other days.
So it's like, I don't, what I mean, what are you like, how many times a week?
That was like that you said fucking her the other day, just so in case she's listening, she doesn't get any ideas.
I'm fucking this guy.
Well, how many times are you fucking jerking off a week?
I don't jerk off.
He doesn't jerk off.
How many times do you jerk off a week?
Less than most people.
No, sometimes.
You never jerk off?
Maybe once every other week.
What is going on in here?
Yeah.
Well, we all have wives.
Yeah.
You don't need to jerk off once in a while.
I mean, I'm not hanging around with Dave all the time.
Maybe I'm not going to do it.
This is two shots at Jews, dude.
He did it at the beginning.
Is he Jewish?
No.
He's not.
Dave is Jewish.
No.
I don't believe it.
I don't fucking buy it.
Dave Bird.
It doesn't sound Jewish.
It does not.
It does not.
Dave Bird.
What's the last name?
Bird.
B-Y-R D. From Philadelphia?
No, no, no, no.
I called him out.
I said, dude, I don't buy it.
I don't buy it.
Well, you think he let me in a couple of secrets?
I was like, okay, okay.
That's a fucking Jewy Jew right there.
You leave coins around, they'll start chewing on them.
That's how you know.
Yeah.
They'll start just nibbling, and it's nuts.
They'll just start chewing on them.
Are they telling you if it's real or is it a flavor that they like?
What's the deal?
Should I tell them?
I don't know.
Give them a little peek under the hood.
Just reminds me of bread.
Well, they can taste where it came from.
They know its entire history.
They do like a 23-and-me on the show.
They know whose hands it's.
They minted in 1973.
Yeah, yeah.
That's why they call it the mint, bro.
That's true.
I pop one in.
Suck on throughout the day.
Working my way up with the grills.
Yeah, working my way up.
That's what they call it.
Because they sucked on it for a while.
This was from.
Top Gun Traditional Blockbuster Visual00:03:21
All right.
Do you wish you were an avatar?
Dude, I know a guy that's in that fucking movie and I see his house.
He lives in my neighborhood, and I think he, what the checks did he cashes from being in that fucking movie?
Which guy?
His name's Joel David Moore.
You ever see Grandma's Boy?
Yeah, of course.
Oh, he's the tall feet.
I love that guy.
He's so funny, man.
He was an avatar.
And every time I see him, I'm always like, what the fuck does that pay you out a year?
Because that's an endless stream of residuals from.
He's an avatar one.
Yeah.
He's in both.
I think he's in both.
No, he's in both.
He's in both.
Yeah, he's in both.
I got to see a picture.
That's the proverbial lottery in Hollywood.
When someone's like, you hit the lottery, it's shit like that, where you're like...
Become part of the franchise.
But you became one of the ones that's like forever embedded in the history of film.
Like, you'll never not make money on that film.
100%.
Oh, he's in Dodgeball, too.
He's a funny guy.
Funny guy, man.
Very funny.
He's so fucking funny.
Okay.
How is Hollywood reacting to Avatar?
Have you seen it yet?
No.
Okay.
I want to know about Hollywood reaction to it.
But first, before I just want to talk about it for a second, it is the reason why we go to the movies.
I saw it.
Avatar is.
Yeah.
But regardless of if you like the story or not, like some people are like, oh, I thought the story was traditional or whatever.
I don't really care about that.
I love story.
It's the most important thing.
But the spectacle of it all, to me, I thought the story is fine.
It was great.
But the spectacle, the world that you're brought into, the escape that it creates, is magnificent.
And no, I know what you mean.
It was the same reason that I said Top Gun for me was like 100%.
Visually, you want to see something that's that's what Hollywood returns to.
Like he said Top Gun is the greatest movie he's ever seen.
I think it's the greatest movie of all.
He said it's the greatest story of any movie he's ever seen.
That part is totally wrong.
I mean, it's probably one of the best visual things.
I didn't say that.
You did.
I did.
You did.
I said it's the greatest movie story that's ever been seen.
It's probably one of the greatest visual things I've seen in it.
Visually, I wasn't even that blown away.
Yo, I thought it was Dave.
He's had a mustache since the day he's seen it.
It has that shit.
What do you?
I'm going to wear my shape.
No, no, no.
I thought Top Gun was absolutely fantastic.
It's saved movies.
I thought it was great for what it was.
It was movies, bro.
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
I thought it was great for what it was.
What is it?
No, it's a blockbuster and it's a great blockbuster.
I didn't think was the greatest story, but kind of like Avatar, when you go to the theaters, if I want to see a great movie, a great story, I'll see it at home.
If I want to see a blockbuster, I'm going to the theater.
Yeah, well, if it's visual, you have to go to the story.
Let me clarify.
With Top Gun, what I said is it is a traditional hero's journey story.
Okay.
What I said is it's executed to perfection.
That's the literal thing I said is this is a traditional Hollywood blockbuster executed to perfection.
It wasn't, and I specifically compared it to everything, everywhere, every, whatever, one, and so, whatever.
That was something that I'll never be able to say that movie.
It's such a good movie.
It's a phenomenal movie, different story, completely different type of storytelling.
Yeah.
Okay.
You look at that, be like, wow, this is something I haven't seen before.
It's not traditional.
Top Gun is traditional and executed to perfection.
It is.
It is.
But also, it's like, well, I'm turning this ring off.
But also, my problem with it is recalling all these feelings you had because of Top Gun 1.
You didn't say you weren't in it, bro.
I'm not saying that's the problem.
I'm saying you should have been one of those guys.
Pissed.
Did you go up for it?
No.
Based Come Back Boston Mondays00:14:41
No.
They didn't even think about you.
Fucking consider me.
Why do you think that they looked at your headshot and then just tore it in half?
I don't know about that.
They didn't even look at it.
They didn't?
They're like Santino's headshot and they fucking threw it right back in.
You think they knew your name?
You know what those people are?
You think they said Santino's headshot or you think they just saw red hair and then threw it?
Those people?
Those people?
They definitely knew you.
They knew my name.
They definitely knew.
You know what?
That's the kind of stuff that's, this is the hard, weird line of Hollywood of being a comedian is you're inherently always discounted for those things.
You have to push.
Like Jonah Hill used to talk about it a lot.
Nobody took him serious.
Yeah, he's strong.
And they didn't want to get him in those movies.
No, but you know what I mean?
Like they wanted him to be a funny dude.
He really.
I know what you're saying.
But no, truth be told, they don't really love to think of comics in those worlds.
They're like, no, no, there's other real actors that do that.
That's the way they look at it.
You're not a real actor, dude.
Well, most comics aren't leading men.
Yeah.
That's just the reality.
Not even most comic.
These comics aren't real actors.
They don't want you to have a third banana on top on top of it.
They don't want you to be one of the pilot.
That's not, those aren't you just called one of those black guys a banana.
That's kind of what it feels like.
Tell me I'm wrong.
No, no, no.
No, but like, they don't, you know, they wouldn't let you be, they wouldn't let you be fourth, fifth, sixth down the list because they don't see you like that.
You're not, you're a comedian guy.
So when you have to sucker them into convince them and your agents and people go, dude, you have to see him for this thing.
Like, I'm up for this fucking, this movie that I want really fucking bad.
Can you get us an audition on that thing?
I want it bad.
Dove, can you get us a, yeah, yeah, well, and I had to do a Boston accent and all this shit.
And I really wanted it bad.
And I'm still in the mix for it, but it's way bigger than me.
Can you tell us what the movie is?
Ted Two.
It's Ted.
Tattoo?
Ted 3.
Ted 3.
Oh, there was a tattoo.
And I wasn't in that shit either.
Can you say what it is?
A movie?
And then we bleep it?
No, but I can just, I mean, it's, it's, I mean, just Matt Damon is, it's him.
So they say no more.
And when they, when they showed me the whole thing, I was like, holy fuck, this is like a lot of scenes in this movie.
And they were like, yeah, and they like you for it.
So I did the tape and they were like, okay, we're going to talk after the new year.
So now I'm kind of waiting in the wings to find out what the fuck the next movie is.
Like, I'm willing to just be like, I'll come down to Boston.
I'll come back to Boston and go sit with you guys.
You want me to sit?
Because sometimes that's what's weird.
When you're on my level, you have to go like really sell yourself to them and be like, here's why I can be of value.
Instead, a guy's like Miles Teller and all those, I mean, do they get calls?
Yo, we want you.
Okay, word.
But for us, there's this weird like, don't they just tell you that it's like, no, dude, you have to be a salesman of like, here's how I can do it.
Yeah, you should try the opposite.
That's worked really well for me.
Oh, yeah.
Where they ask you to be in the movie.
Yeah.
And then you go, ugh, I don't want to do it.
And then they put you in.
And then they just keep asking.
Right.
And then keep making it worth more money.
You call my agents real quick.
Tell them, try that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tell Matt Damon to suck a dick.
He's like, Manny, fuck off.
Never works again.
I think that's the, they don't consider you for it.
They don't think about you like that.
Well, they can tell you want it.
Yeah, well, because I was, but I was good.
They don't know what to do when someone doesn't want it or doesn't need it.
Yeah, they're hot girls in a lot of ways.
It's not like the Pete Davidson thing where like Pete didn't really, he always had that attitude of like, and God bless him for it.
He was always.
Yeah, it was fucking amazing.
And they were like, maybe?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You don't know how to do it.
Nobody knows that word.
Yeah, yeah.
So I guess I understand a piece of that.
But with stuff like this, I want it because I want to have another, I want to transition a little bit out of comedy sometimes.
You know what I mean?
Like my favorite comedic actors were always good enough to do other things and not just stay in comedy shit.
You know, like when Jim Carrey left being Jim Carrey for a little while, I loved it, dude.
Yeah, that was very cool.
He didn't have a choice but to kind of come back a little bit.
And then that Burt Wonderstone movie was.
So you went out of this game.
You want out of comedy.
No, I want to be able to dip my feet in both, baby.
Barbara Walters.
That was a good question.
Bro.
That was a good question.
Truly, it felt like you weren't listening at all.
That's why it's good.
It comes out of left field.
You never saw that.
Sometimes it comes out of right field.
No, you know, I do.
You're not going to even know where this is.
I want a little bit.
You have no clue what I'm about to ask.
Oh, go ahead.
I don't even know yet.
I have no clue.
I don't even know.
It's going to be based on the next thing that you say.
Okay.
Okay, go.
And I want to fucking switch it up a little bit.
I don't want to, I like doing movies like House Party and all this other shit and being these, but I do want something else that's like makes me feel different and then also legitimizes you for other shit.
I need it.
Biden?
No thanks.
No, you can play Biden.
You'd be a good Biden.
You could be Biden.
You'd be an amazing Biden.
Yeah.
His biopic.
What are we going to do about Ukraine, Mr. President?
Well, you got to understand.
Well, part of the reason I've never been on a, on a, you know, growing up in Connecticut, what a, what, what, what a, what, blacks smell funny.
I don't even.
I'm not even.
Give him the roll, Hollywood.
Come on.
That guy has done such a disservice talking.
Whenever they get him to talk, it makes me sad.
Don't let him talk.
Yeah, it's right.
Steven Hawking do you think?
Have you heard the dick?
I know.
Right.
Would you say an N-bomb as a character?
Of course.
Wouldn't he want you to think twice if Tarantino wrote that down?
He told me to say it.
Now, would you riff one?
Let's say your character was a racist.
Okay, let's say you're doing a scene.
Okay.
You're doing Kirby Enthusiasm.
You're playing a racist where there's no lines.
You have to riff.
You're a racist.
Are you dropping it?
100%.
I'm not even thinking about it.
You said be the guy.
I'll be the guy.
What do you want me to do?
He wants it, Andrew.
You think a guy in the KKK holds himself back from saying it?
I think so.
They think that's hacky.
He's like, let me tell you something about these.
Boys, I'm trying to reserve myself.
Yeah.
These boys.
No, I think they have other words for it.
I think they figured out.
Oh, they've got new slang.
Exactly.
Because the N-word is just like, well, that's old.
It's like saying, I don't want an email.
I'm the longer on the list.
I get an email from them.
Yeah, they got some good ones.
They've got some good ones.
Yeah, yeah.
I saw one that was somebody said.
Russell on his death jam said one.
They called him Mondays.
Mondays.
Nobody likes Mondays.
Nobody likes Mondays.
Someone said there was like a meme.
I was like, look at all these burnt ends.
And I was like, oh, my God.
Wow.
That was tough.
That was genius.
Say something that you say regularly as a meme.
That is fucking smart.
Yeah, it was KI.
Just do that right there.
Just quick.
Is this your guy, Mr. Beast?
Is he like your best best friend?
This is everyone's guy.
Okay.
This is your new best friend?
Bro.
You're in Hollywood.
Let us have YouTube, bro.
Let us hang on with YouTube.
Is he a good guy?
Yeah, he's great.
He gives away like $8 million a day and shit.
What are they?
They cookies?
Yeah, they're cookies.
Let me.
Yeah.
You need to sell it longer.
But they're plant-based.
What are you talking about?
Plant-based and gluten-free.
It says it right on the bag.
I wouldn't have eaten that if I knew that.
Yeah, you don't eat that shit.
Is this really what this is?
Yeah, yeah.
It's FDA.
Yeah, that's FDA.
If it's FDA, I'm good.
Yeah.
What do you think?
That looks great.
Yeah, they're great.
My teeth fall out.
My boy, Feastable, bro.
Get the fuck out of here.
You of all fucking people, don't say some dumb shit like that.
Those cookies are trash as fuck.
To be honest with you.
You know what?
Don't lie.
That may be your boy.
He may be cool, maybe nice.
These are whack as fuck.
You're not eating those.
Nobody goes, get me some of them feastable cookies I've been liking so much.
Listen, get the fuck out of here.
Those are terrible.
And you know they are.
And I know yours are.
The bars are good.
Listen.
Let me say something about this car.
I wasn't a good endorsement heater.
You know how cookies want to cut this shit out?
I know.
We're keeping it.
That conduit is easy.
You know what?
God bless Mr. Beast.
He's a good philanthropist.
He does good for the world.
Nice guy from what I know.
This is fucking cut it out.
You don't make cookies, dude.
Keep giving away cars.
Stop making fucking cookies.
Stick to giving away fucking cars and 10 million in cash and people stay in a mall all night.
You don't make fucking cookies.
Cut it out, bro.
You gave away one car.
You've talked about it for 20 minutes.
Come on.
Let me tell you something.
That came from my heart.
This guy's doing it for clicks.
I didn't put mine up on the internet, peace.
Go buy his mother a car right now.
Buy his mother a real BMW.
Nothing micro.
Go get her five series.
I'm not on that.
I'm not.
Met Epic Special just came out.
I can't afford it.
All right.
No, I do.
What these guys do is fascinating.
What those guys do is fascinating.
What do you mean?
What else do these days?
That they fucking have these YouTube videos where there's a bunch of guys that do that where they these grand events and they give away all this shit.
It's amazing they've created a subculture that copies them now.
So now young people want to get on YouTube and they think they can emulate that.
But it's never going to work.
Why not?
Because they don't squash their dirty.
No, no, no.
These guys created a system where it worked because they grew a huge audience.
There's kids now that think, oh, if I give away 10K on YouTube, I'm going to make that back right away.
I don't think that's the future that everybody thinks they're going to have.
You're going to be such a good dad.
I know.
Unbelievable how good of a dad you're going to be.
Thank you, bro.
Dad, I want to be a YouTuber.
I think I could really make it on YouTube.
I really get a fucking job.
You dumb piece of shit.
Get in school.
I want to be a YouTuber.
I heard two girls talking about that.
They were like, why would a girl, why would a young girl who is good looking in this day and age not want to be an influencer?
And her girlfriend was like, I don't know.
Give me one good reason why you wouldn't.
And I was sitting there waiting for my tab and I was like, I'll give you a fucking thousand good fucking reasons why it will never work.
By the way, you're never as good looking as you think you are.
Anybody who thinks they're good looking, you're not.
You're really not.
Your daughter's going to be sucking dicks, bro.
I'm just telling you right now.
Or she'll be a guy.
She'll be a guy.
I'm going to do transition therapy on my own kids.
Are you really?
Yeah, I cut the dick right off.
Yeah, burnt ends.
Cut the dick right off.
Burnt ends.
Because Amas, though, no, you're never going to be an influencer.
It's never going to work.
You don't feel like you want to give people a comedian, dude.
You came from Chicago.
You came from a family of a mother that's been driving the same car for the last seven years.
All she's wanted is a three-time dollar.
I'm going to tell you something.
I've taken back.
You can make it.
Everybody out there that's thinking about it, please be an influencer.
Get it.
Do you like to believe?
Quit your job.
Do you like to believe that you're the miracle?
That only you can pull it off.
To be an influencer?
No, no.
To go after this crazy dream and then succeed.
It's me, baby.
So it's not possible for anybody else.
Not anymore.
I close the gate.
Close the door, man.
Sorry.
We're all good.
Thank you.
Try it.
Do whatever you got to do.
It's just a what do you say to all those young comics out there?
Get the fuck out of yourself.
I don't fucking mind.
It's never going to work, you dummy.
I wonder why the culture in LA is different.
Yeah.
These young guys, they don't want to hang out with us.
You know what?
I hope all of your dreams come true.
You can't even pretend to be.
He's the best actor in the world.
That's the worst I've ever seen you act.
He's the best actor.
That's the worst actor.
He can be Jordan Peterson.
He can be Biden, but he can't pretend to be proud of someone.
You can't impersonate a supporter of so bullshit.
Have you ever been happy for anybody?
Like when Bobby broke up with Kalila, like stop gaslighting me into being someone that doesn't support young people.
Stop gaslighting me.
Notice he didn't.
I started on influences and you guys went up.
So all comics can't come in.
Talking about people take photos.
Yeah, yeah.
Every comic out there that's struggling and trying to make it.
Yeah, yeah.
Get a job.
No.
Be a TikToker.
Come on.
Oh, I hope it works.
If you're funny, if you're funny, it's going to work.
Or sometimes it doesn't.
You probably won't.
You can't do it, dude.
Bro, he's red forming.
All right, I'll say how I really feel.
Yeah, okay.
All jokes aside.
Yeah, all jokes aside.
If you have the balls to even try it, comedy.
I'm not talking about influencers.
I'm not talking about people that just take photos on the internet and want brand deals.
If you have the balls to try performance like that, any live performance art and put yourself out there, God bless.
Good luck.
If you have the balls to do it, I commend you for trying.
That was good that you still wasn't very optimistic.
No, I don't have to be optimistic.
That's insane to be like, you're all going to do great.
Everyone's going to be fine.
But you didn't say not only.
99% of you will not be fine.
I think that knowledge.
I think that knowledge is what's everybody's going to figure it out.
You're going to die.
It's fucking brutal.
You're never going to make it.
The bottom's going to drop out.
I'm going to save your fucking money.
Son, so crazy.
Unbelievable how good you are in impression.
You know what?
I think what it really is is people need.
I think young people.
We know how you feel.
They need to be.
You got it.
They need to be.
I think we get it.
I think they need to be honestly told the truth that it's like, it's the hardest thing in the fucking world.
I hope you make it.
It's not the hardest thing in the world.
Yeah, it is.
I think quitting everything that you're doing.
Cobalt mining versus comedy.
Yeah, cobalt mining is fucking hard.
I did it for seven years.
That's where we met with mining, dude.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cobining's very easy.
It's bit shit, dude.
Those are some of the things that you're talking about.
Alaska Crabbo Fish, we did that.
I did that bitch shit.
But it is easy.
It's like, go get the cobalt.
Come back.
Come back.
I'll tell you what's hard.
Three minutes at an open mic.
I get cobalt.
I go home.
Okay.
I build steel.
Okay.
I go home.
Not hard.
Yeah.
You know?
I duck out of my go home.
It's not hard, dude.
Hundred Million People Family Responsibility00:15:55
Yeah.
I think if you're going to put yourself out there to do it, commendable.
Because it's tough.
It's tough.
It's a nightmare.
Someone gave you, honestly, if someone gave you $100 million, how would you live your life from this day forward?
I just gave you $100 million tax-free.
What do you do?
What state am I in?
Wherever you want to be.
Where do you want to go?
Tax-free.
Tax-free?
Tax-free.
You can do anything you want.
$100 million.
What a Republican-ass response person.
What state am I in?
It's red four women, bro.
Tell me I'm wrong.
Go on.
$100 million.
You guys were sucking Joe's dick for going to fucking Texas.
I'm always supporting somebody going to Texas.
You told me you were thinking about it.
What happened to that?
I would never go to Texas.
I would never move to Texas.
You said Texas or Nashville.
We would never, ever, ever gaslighting.
I've never moved there.
We fuck after the podcast.
You say gaslighting one more time.
Is that hand, bro?
Gaslightless gun, dude.
You still are so gay?
Yeah.
That saying that word is gaslighting.
Stop it.
That shit is.
Stop it.
Wait.
Stop it.
Are you still acting gay?
You don't have to do acting.
He is acting gay.
Yeah, you don't have to do the acting.
So you're not allowed to act gay.
They're all in the long game.
He got us.
He put up.
What would I do with $100 million?
$100 million.
Yeah.
Do you just like quit and move to a mountain somewhere?
Raise your kids.
Don't let him go.
What would I do with $100 million?
And why would you give away none of it?
Because it's mine.
You gave it to me.
What am I doing?
$100 million?
I'd probably set up everyone that I love, which is my family.
My wife.
No, my parents.
My mom, my dad.
Just people that my family.
My parents.
And my wife.
And her parents.
You figure it out.
No, no.
I'd lace up some people on my family.
Does Bobby get a piece?
He's like, no.
Bobby would not get a dime.
Bobby would not get a dime.
Okay.
I would lace up everyone, make sure everyone's taken care of.
And then I would go, I don't even, I couldn't even, I don't even have a creative answer for you because that would be, that's a scary amount.
I don't know what that would do to me.
Would you stop acting?
Would you stop doing bad shit?
No, comie.
Oh, stand-up?
Yeah.
Probably.
What about would you?
Because I don't even know.
I don't even know how.
What can you tell me?
I think the misstep here is your life would, you don't even know how to operate with it.
If someone dropped $100 million, what am I doing with it?
It's like, well, otherwise it would be like, well, I don't really, I would just keep living my life the way I am.
Just keep being doing it.
Then why would I need it then?
That would be the question.
What would it do for you?
Well, maybe you want to buy your mom a real car.
Bully.
Rich guy bully.
Yeah, he's a rich guy, fucking rich guy.
Bully, fucking bully.
Buys him up a helicopter.
Rich guy, bully.
Rich guy, bully.
No, the question, the philosophical question is, what would I do?
What would you need it for now?
Ask him what he got his parents for Christmas.
Ask me what my girl left parents for Christmas.
What'd you get your parents for Christmas?
I got them seasoned tickets to the ballet.
How'd you really?
Don't call me gay ever again on the time.
You thought.
I was going to say he abandoned them to go to Columbia and have a great time on Christmas.
And Costa Rica.
Okay.
You got them seasoned tickets to the ballet.
Yes.
That's fire.
Damn, that was a decent guy.
I know.
I know where you came from, man.
That's nice.
I go out and get my dad chicken wing cards.
Listen.
Well, at class level, it was a little different the way we grew up.
Some of our parents.
So I'm like, dad, you want pictures to the ballet?
Season tickets to the wing house.
What's going on when you went in Hollywood?
Like the ballet.
No, I don't know what I would do with $100 million.
You don't have, there's nothing you would buy.
No place you would go.
Is there a place you've always wanted to do?
I would travel a bunch, but I have the ability to do it now.
I'm blessed to know I can do it now.
So that's kind of, I really mean this from a philosophical point.
I don't know if I'd want it.
Because you have?
I don't know what I would do with it.
Because you'd be like, why do I have all this fucking money?
I would have to give it to people I love and then go, well, now I have a responsibility to invest it in things like that would grow a future of that.
Now you have to fucking, now your responsibility, now you have to raise a community.
Now you have to help out people in your communities around you.
You can't just have it and use it.
It's worthless.
What are you going to do with it?
By yourself?
You get all that money.
You're gonna have to like, start to grow something with it.
You're gonna have to start a company that helps people out.
You're gonna have to, you have to reinvest that in the community.
That's a big job in and of itself.
You don't have to do any of that yeah yeah, you do.
Though yeah, you're saying morally, you should.
No yes, but also what?
Otherwise it's useless.
I'm saying morally, I think it's a great idea.
Also, it's useless if you don't put it.
What does it provide?
It provides freedom right yeah, but you, but you have enough freedom already.
You're blessed enough.
Where you already and he said me, right now yeah, i'm okay, right now, i'm happy.
Where you can't stop doing what you're doing, I would never stop doing what i'm doing.
But that's what i'm saying.
I don't know, you don't know if you would, because you don't have the money to.
Again, I would probably.
I would probably try to put it to work.
You know what I mean?
What about an indulgence like, is there a certain thing that you've always wanted to do with your wife?
And then you guys go, fuck it.
Let's just go.
We, we would travel a fuckload.
We would go to places we've never been, but outside of that I don't, and you can go to all those places now.
But so yes, my point is yeah, it's like I don't want the hundred million.
Oh, I don't know what I would do.
I really don't know.
I think at some point too much money doing nothing huh, but I enjoy, I like what I have right now.
I don't even know what I would.
I'm not a fucking materialist, I don't need a lot of.
But there was a time when you didn't have all this that you have now yeah.
But dude, when I got a house yeah, when I finally could afford to buy a house, I was so happy.
I was like, i've never sat in it and gone.
I need a bigger fucking house.
I wanted that guy's house, don't give a shit, I like.
My live in the same neighborhood as avatar, so it's probably a pretty big house.
His house is a little bit nicer than mine, but it's just, I don't care, I don't.
I never had that thing where i'm like, I need, I need, I need, I want, I want.
What about?
What about with like, cars or something?
I have the car that I like, I like my car.
You have seen his car.
It's a nice car, but I don't need, I don't, it's like I don't need a Ferrari, I don't need, I don't want.
Not about need more, about like there's something that you've always liked, always enjoyed, and finally you're in a position where you can buy it.
And it's how we.
Well, i'll tell you financially, something that i'm, that i'm trying to make a possibility is for my 40th birthday.
I want to take my family and her family on a jet to Hawaii.
Perfect, done.
Now we have a thing, but I mean that's you know what about that home in Colorado maybe?
Remember you were thinking about that?
Yeah, that'd be nice maybe, but also, I don't need it.
I'm saying this is the problem, is the great, I don't need the money.
So i'm saying I don't, it's an awesome blessing.
But then you're like, well, what am I gonna do with it?
Dude, have you ever seen the thing about the people that win the lotto?
They're miserable, they have no idea what to do with all of it.
Yeah, but think about who's playing the lotto.
It's like you're not gonna see them at the ballet.
I know they're going from zero to a hundred million.
He's going from, I imagine, millions to a hundred.
I'm going from a good amount of money to two way too much money right, also a hundred million.
A lot of athletes make that.
It's not like you're in some rare, you're in rarefied air, but it's not like it's not billions, where there's like 50 of them on earth.
None of my friends make a hundred million dollars.
There are people that we know that i've seen you in pictures with yeah yeah, athletes that it looks like you're friendly with, that have contracts that are worth a hundred million dollars.
And I will tell you some of those friends that have that kind of money, yeah, they don't do anything different than I do.
So then there you go.
But my point is then they just have a lot of money.
So now you're like, at some point, what are you gonna do with all that money?
Spoil your friends, spoil your family.
There you go, spoil your family.
I like when you said, take the jet and you take all your friends on this crazy, that's what i'd love to be able to do to spoil the people.
Take my family with me to go do something private, pay for all of it and be like, look at that, give them cool opportunities.
They never got.
Like you have a cousin of yours that you really believe in.
They don't have the you know funding to.
You know, learn this instrument that they really want to.
And it's like, here they got this summer you go to the camp, learn your fucking guitar.
Yeah, I think like that.
But what i'm, I guess what i'm saying is deeply, truly philosophically, you it, you are responsible to do something positive with that money.
Otherwise you will be super sad and fucking really alone.
This is a cool guilt thing that that i'm getting from you.
That I didn't, I didn't predict, but this oh, i've always had i've i've I, I can't.
This is really was free.
I swear to god, I'm so crazy with money.
I'm so scared of money.
I don't like it.
I'm scared of losing it.
I just don't like it.
I don't like it.
I don't like the idea.
It's a Catholic thing.
I worked so hard to get it.
And I'm also like, I don't like the weird pressure it puts on you.
Because you feel like if you have it, money is, I'm imagining you feel like it's kind of dirty.
That's usually a religious feeling.
I would assume it's powerful.
Having more than others feels, oh, a guild complex with money I've always had.
Sure.
We grew up with that because we didn't grow up with a ton of money.
So it was always like, you know, haves, have nots type of shit.
Like, those guys do that kind of stuff.
Yeah, That's always a phrase that was like, oh, yeah, well, the country club guys.
Yeah.
You know, so I've always had that in my blood.
I can't.
You don't believe an insecurity of being one of those people that your family maybe grew up being critical of.
Yes, a little, but also because I just, there is an inherent piece of you that was raised a certain way that you're like, I'm not that guy.
No, we all have it.
Yeah.
I don't fucking like, I don't do those.
Especially growing up in like strict class structures.
Like my mom's from Scotland and like she grew up like, you know, don't think you're better than the community.
Well, that was what you think you are.
Yeah, yeah.
My mom would always see like when we were kids in Chicago.
Even going to LA probably, there was some, I'm sure, sentiment.
Nobody likes LA in Chicago.
Exactly.
So like, oh, who does he think he is trying to be an actor?
Who does he think he is?
And if you're going to LA to become an actor or comedian, I want to say to you right now, good luck.
I love you.
You're going to have to win the lottery.
You're going to have to win the lottery.
No, I meant what I said.
I applaud anybody that does that.
I left Chicago.
I'm happy it worked.
What did your family think when you left?
They knew that I was going to try it.
Yeah.
But the likelihood of failure is probably high for most people that leave.
So my parents are probably like, I hope it works.
I hope you don't get your heart broken.
Right.
That's kind of the, that's what I'm saying.
That's back to this feeling with money because I'm sure a lot of people share a similar feeling as you, which is like you, you want to acquire it, but at the same time, you have this distaste for it because maybe it could turn you into somebody that you don't want to be.
And not turn somebody into behavior in a way that you're going to be able to do it.
Just maybe it'll, maybe it'll, it will complicate things more.
Even with your family, with your friends.
Just life.
And it does complicate life.
100%.
But also makes a lot of things very easy.
Can do, yeah.
Like it provides security and stuff.
But it depends on how good you are about the way you, the level of relationship respect that you have with it.
Some people are really good about it.
So you understand their level and balance with it.
Yeah.
Never have been able to do that.
The biggest problem I've seen is comparing, you're always comparing yourself to the circle around you.
And then once you levitate a level to nine figures, you start looking at the other nine figures and being like, well, he's got X, Y, and Y. Everyone's going to, you're always going to look up and be like, ooh, that's so dominant.
That's a terrible place to be.
For me, it's more like if you told me right now I could continue doing what I'm doing for the rest of my life and just make the same amount of money I've been making or continue to make, I'll sign in blood.
I would take that over that bullshit 100 million any day of the week.
If you told me sign in blood, today what you made last year or the year before even, if you can make that for the rest of your life till I die.
Well, inflation, yeah.
Inflation, yeah.
You can handle this responsibility.
You know how to handle the responsibility of the money that you have right now.
Yeah.
What I'm understanding from you is that responsibility is increased 100 times or whatever the fuck it is when you have 100 million and taking on that 100 times a responsibility would be too uncomfortable for you.
That's a really interesting thing.
Could it also be what you said is true?
Because you said what I've made now, you feel like you've earned what you made now.
If you were blessed with 100 million, you might not feel like you earned it.
Well, you definitely had to earn it.
Yeah, I'm proud of earning the dollars that I, I'm proud of like doing shows, trying to make fans happy and earning your money.
That is, that you feel clean about.
You're like, dude, I fucking, I did the thing for you.
Yeah.
We did the thing together.
That's great.
You know, I sold you the product.
You like the product.
Pay me for a service.
But like when you get, and I know people that get grandiose amounts of money for doing almost nothing.
And I don't think you give a shit about it.
I don't think they give any fucks about it.
Any of my friends that have a fucking absurd amount of money or even people I know or met, they don't give a fuck about it.
It doesn't matter anymore.
It gets to a point where it's like they have it, but it doesn't do anything.
They've kind of ignored the fact that it's there, but in a way it could provide a level of freedom and security.
Yeah, it can do, yeah.
And I'm not saying that you have to use it and do all those things, but what it can do is for me, the way that I always look at money, and again, I'm like financially illiterate in terms of like investing and all these types of things.
I didn't learn how to do any of that kind of stuff.
I'm like very intimidated by money.
I know how to make it through creating content and through creating comedy shows and that kind of stuff.
I'm good at that, but in terms of what to do with it when I get it, I have no fucking clue.
Yeah, I don't know either.
But, which I, and I wish I learned a lot more.
I don't.
But what I've noticed for me, the relationship with money has always been about freedom.
So it's like, if I want to do the exact type of comedy that I want to do, the exact type of podcast I want to do, if I want to create, if I want to, outside of just creating, if I want to live my life in the exact way that I want to live, I have to have a certain amount of it to protect me in case everything goes wrong.
Right.
So I always always looked at money as like, that's my freedom.
And if I get to a certain amount of number right here, I can do whatever I want when I want to do it.
You have your number.
Yeah.
And that changes too.
See, mine's to me.
But you're at your peace.
This is your freedom.
Yeah, I feel good.
I feel fine.
Like, it's like when I fucking, you know.
You would feel imprisoned by that money.
Whereas.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
You're probably still imprisoned by too much money.
Exactly.
I'd be scared of making too much money.
Yeah.
Because I would feel weird about it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
100%.
I've always.
I feel imprisoned by not being able to do what I want to do, even if it's the smallest thing.
I'm okay with not being able to do what I don't want.
Oh, no, no, no.
I know you are.
I know.
You tell me I can't do something, I fucking have to.
Look at this.
Exactly.
That's my point.
It's like, you know, we do our show from a shoebox in the valley.
Oh, yours is great.
Do you know what I mean by that?
It's like a pleasure.
But your visions are very grand and you're able to execute the visions.
And I'm one of those people that's like, I just want to have fun and I hope they keep letting us have fun.
I think that there's a lot of people that also think like this.
And I think that's why it's really cool to hear this perspective about how money can be scary and how money can like put you in a position of emotional instability where I'm always coming from this place like, I don't want to be associated with money.
I don't need to be flexing.
I don't need to do all those things.
But I love having it to know like if everything goes wrong, like I keep money in case if everything goes wrong, that everybody here gets paid.
Everyone here.
Everybody here gets paid for a while.
Put it that way.
Until it runs out.
Yeah, a while.
Meaning, I don't touch it.
Everybody gets here a year at least.
Everybody gets paid.
So that's just my way.
That's freedom.
That's, hey, let's say whatever the fuck we want.
Let's do whatever the fuck we want.
Let's go to fucking Africa.
Let's just fucking do crazy shit.
And I want to do as much crazy shit as I can before I die.
By crazy, it doesn't have to be dangerous, but it has to be, let's go to Paris.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Like, let's just do that and be part of it.
What a crazy adventure that would be.
No, it's amazing.
And I, but I recognize I need a little bit of security.
But I'm a little bit more.
I thought this.
But I'm more the other side.
I'm more like, I like seeing it, but I'm like, I don't do that.
Yeah.
But I love it.
I love to watch you guys do that shit.
But I'm always like, man, that's a world that I'm not.
I never was built that way.
But I like it.
There's a piece there that you're doing.
But I do see what you guys do sometimes.
And I'm always like, these motherfuckers are, that's living.
That's wild.
Yep.
But then I also go play golf near my house and then that's fine for me too.
My little bullshit is fine for like sometimes my little bullshit is good enough for me.
Also, you're not at a level where it's little.
It's like you played a beautiful course.
You're playing beautiful.
You're like, I'm not going to be able to do Travis Kelsey every week.
You have a beautiful week.
No, but yeah, but no, you know what I'm saying?
Like, great.
Money Comedy Joking Happiness Enough00:03:09
You've achieved a huge success and it feels as if you're doing something that a lot of people, especially in entertainment, but in life in general, don't do, which go, this is enough.
People are miserable because they can't go, this is enough for me.
You have friends that's.
You're recipes for happiness.
Literally, especially the best recipe.
Even though you seem miserable, but how more miserable he was.
Exactly, exactly.
And like, I'll be honest, my relationship with money is not like, if I don't have it, I'm not happy.
That's not it.
My happiness comes from freedom.
And I recognize that the more freedom I have to do whatever I want, the happier I am.
But I love that your happiness can potentially, I imagine, come from just going, I have enough.
I'm so happy to go to half.
Yeah, I feel pretty good.
I mean, it was like, it's like, again, I've always said that.
If you fucking dotted me out, it was like, can you do this forever?
And it never goes up, though.
You'll never make another dime.
I go, okay.
Because you're having fun.
Well, because I'm blessed and life is good.
And it's like, well, there isn't a moment where I go, at this stage in my life, I feel, it feels good, dude.
Yeah.
Because again, all the joking aside we did before, and I know this got serious, but like all the joking about me saying other people trying out to be comics or whatever.
Because your only dream was to get paid to do comedy.
You're like, all I wanted was to get paid.
And I was fucking broke.
And I came from trying at the bottom.
And I do applaud people that fucking try it.
It's scary as fuck.
It's wildly hard to do.
So if you have the ball to do it, like, dude, that's huge.
And I hope you work hard enough and it works for you.
I hope.
I hope.
That's all you can do.
But all I wanted was to make money doing comedy.
When I started making money doing comedy, I quit my job, my day job, and I slammed the phone and I told my boss, buy.
And I literally ran down the fire escape and I ran for like four miles because I was like, I get to make money doing comedy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What job was that?
I worked at a fucking, I worked at a music company doing visas for international touring, Snoop Dogg, Cypress Hill.
No, it was wild, man.
I got to like tour coordinate for these bands, but I was doing push and paper all day.
And then when I quit that job, I got a contract for one year.
They guaranteed me one year of money.
And it wasn't a lot of money, but I was like, that one year.
This is MTV?
No, no, this was an internet show.
It was like a hosting show.
You know what I mean?
But they guarantee the contracts.
I say, even if they fucking fire me, I said this to my mom.
I go, even if they fucking fire me, they got to pay me for the year.
And my mom was like, that's not a real thing.
You got to check a lawyer to fucking.
I'll never do that.
And I said, I swear to God, it's in the motherfucking contract.
It says, I get this much a week, no matter what.
Yeah, and I bet on that.
And that horse led me to, you know, start the trials of learning how to make money in comedy and stay out of having jobs.
And once I got to a place where I'm like, oh, like you said, with the money, with the thing, if this falls, I was like, I'm at a place where I think I can do comedy for the rest of my life, make money.
I was happy as fuck.
I was like, dude, I can do this till I die.
And I can keep making money, I hope, doing this.
And how old were you at that time?
I got that job when I was 27 or 28.
And then I got MTV punked when I was 29 or something like that.
And so then I just, it was like, that was a big deal for me.
So all the other stuff is kind of like a lot of icing.
I feel like it's icing.
Being able to go from clubs to theaters, that was icing, dude.
Gig Icing Paint Everybody Wants Eat00:07:48
Yeah, this is the thing.
If you told me I could play clubs the rest of my life, I would have been fine.
What the fuck?
I was still selling tickets and having fans.
It's all icing from here for me.
It's like, this is all, I'm blessed to know that it's like, oh, that's just a great bonus.
Oh, I get to stay at a nicer hotel sometimes.
That's a fucking, that's cool.
Oh, I get to upgrade a little bit sometimes.
That's cool.
But if it doesn't happen, fine, dude, I'm already eating cake.
Yeah.
I'm already fucking eating dessert.
You're just telling me sometimes I get fruit?
Right on.
Fuck yeah.
Like that's how I feel about everything.
It's like, if I'm able to get something else because time and it's a little bit of a bonus, cool.
If not, fucking, we get to eat dessert for a living.
Like this is, it's a pretty good life.
Life is good.
Yeah, it's a good life.
Life is good.
I'll say something funny.
I'll fucking bring it up.
No, don't say it.
I think it's beautiful.
That is how I feel.
That's how I feel.
And I want, you know, and we talked, we didn't get into it really, but with the special on Netflix, you were like, why would you do that?
And why this, why that route or whatever.
It's like, again, dude, to me, it's like, you're quite a visionary.
I'm not sucking your dick.
You're my friend for years.
You have great vision.
I just want to keep making this shit and I'm kind of letting it go on its own.
A little bit more being like, I want to see where things go and let them be as they may.
I'm not good at like. knowing how to like chess piece as well.
I'm good at being like, I'm going to work really fucking hard and I'm going to put it out and I hope you fucking like this shit that I made.
And if not, I'm going to try again.
And I need to get better at doing the other stuff.
But for now, I'm happy with the little, the moments of, that I'm trying to push the pieces in.
I mean, you know me, I always push people to go to YouTube if they can or try moment or these things.
Yeah, yeah.
Just because I think that's where the most eyeballs are and the guys who actually have it.
And I think that you have it in terms of like stand-up chops.
Like there's usually justice, meaning like people see it and then they go see them out.
I'm doing shows.
Look at like Gillis too.
Shane McCain was another example.
Exactly.
So, but I thought about this when we were having that discussion earlier and I was like, I wonder if Netflix is actually good specifically for you and some of your goals outside of comedy because having an impactful special on their platform might make it easier to cast you in a film on that platform.
That was genuinely part of our attack.
Smart.
So it's just like it was going to continue my career in that world.
It's not that comedy is less important to me.
But you also like this other thing.
I'm not good at this other thing.
You love it.
So it's like, and it's this weird thing where like comics, I don't know why we feel, I think we feel like sometimes kind of feel bashful admitting that they like acting because I think there were comics that like used stand-up to get into acting.
We kind of viewed them as like pariahs.
They're like, you're getting in our way to do this.
And we also only celebrate purists.
You got to be a comedy purist.
But name your favorite purist.
Exactly.
They all did something for sure.
That was the biggest problem I always ran into when they were like, Attel.
You're like, he had a fucking late night show talking to drunks.
Yeah.
It was one of the things that made him famous amongst people.
It was fantastic.
It was amazing.
Yeah, it was absolutely.
So it was like any purist that you know did something quite different.
The purist thing is bullshit.
It's just a way to like criticize people more successful.
They all do that.
Yeah, I don't, I don't, I don't subscribe.
But I mean, it is a comedy habit.
Comedians are like, that guy's a fucking I only do it if I don't think, if you're doing it for a cash grab, do whatever you want.
I don't give a fuck.
But like, I'm not going to go, oh, this is awesome that you're doing stand-up.
I know what you mean.
If you love stand-up and also love acting, if you love stand-up and you love surfing, you know what I'm saying?
I don't give a fuck.
Do whatever you want to do.
I just want to know, at least for me personally, that you love it.
I don't give a fuck.
But if you're, there's tons of people who go into stand-up when they're getting broke.
They're like, fuck it, all right.
I'll go hit the road.
But again, the question always remains, it's always gun to head.
If someone's like, stand-up or acting, you have to give them up right now.
We'll shoot you questions.
Well, yeah, I would give up acting tomorrow.
But I don't think.
No, but I would because I can only control that so much.
Acting, you can't control that.
Even if they were like, all right, stand-up or acting, and by the way, acting, you're going to make sure you get jobs forever.
You're never going to not work.
I'd still go, I got to throw away acting.
Yeah.
Because the vulnerability of stand-up is why we all loved it so much.
It's like, dude, I can create my own world.
And it's not always going to be a banger.
Sometimes I'm not going to sell out.
And sometimes the audience is going to wane.
And I'm going to have times where it's growing and times where it's stagnant.
And sometimes my new shit's not going to work that well.
And so like, that's the reason that we like performing that you were like, dude, I can fucking make this thing and see if people want to fuck it.
Freedom.
Yeah, it's freedom.
That's real freedom.
I mean, that's real freedom.
Truly.
And acting, you know.
You rely on a lot of other parts.
You are not greater.
You're not greater than ultimate team endeavor.
When you see what goes into making a film and 300 fucking people over there, it's truly remarkable.
And it also looks like the greatest waste of money you've ever seen in your life.
Like I'm looking around and I'm going, hold on one second.
We really need a guy to just stand by this box that's open.
And the rule is if a box is open, you need someone to watch it so that somebody doesn't fall in.
Like those are grotesque.
Those job interviews are hilarious.
If you went up to a guy and you're like, what do you do?
And he's like, I watched that cord.
If that cord moves, I got to fucking pull it down.
And then it's like, well, what happens if it never moves?
Nothing.
Then it's fine.
Don't worry about it.
What did it pay?
He's like, 180 grand.
It's fucking, it's amazing.
Hollywood might be the funniest.
That guy does that.
That person does that.
Yeah, it makes you think the mafia still runs it.
It's like, y'all don't have to.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Sorry.
Fuck.
Specify here.
Oh, the Italian.
The Italian mafia.
Oh, yeah, hey, Italian mafia.
Specify here.
Specify.
Get specific over what mob.
But the one thing you'll learn in that, I mean, that people will learn about Hollywood as we continue to expose Hollywood in terms of like most more people now know about the insides of Hollywood than they ever have.
The truth is that everybody wants to eat.
So everybody has a job because everybody wants to eat.
So when you go, why does this guy have that gig and that person?
It's like, dude, everybody wants to eat.
And everyone just wants to get their hand in and go, can I have a little bit of food?
That's what it is.
And Hollywood is just that, that you're like, everyone's trying to make sure their friend eats.
You know how Sandler did his thing and became an icon.
I love it.
I love it.
To comedians to be like, dude, you can just put your friends in everything.
I love it.
He made sure everybody ate.
Yeah.
And so that's what everybody else is doing, but they're doing it behind the scenes, right?
A production coordinator is making sure his homie eats and her homie eats.
And that's just what that is.
You just see Sandler.
When you're like, why does he put the same guys in Anafang?
It's like, because everybody would do that.
Everybody would make sure their family ate.
You would all do that.
That's what the world is.
You know what I mean?
It's like, you want to make sure he has a gig and he has a gig.
And if he's like, yo, my girl kind of needs, you're like, yo, I'm going to get a girl a gig.
Yeah.
That's how the world works.
But to pretend that that doesn't work that way is weird.
But Hollywood is just gets scrutinized for it because you're like, what do all these people get paid for?
It's like, well, because they all need to eat.
That's somebody's family.
They need to fucking get paid.
So I get it.
It's just, it's when you see it in scale, you're like, fuck, I mean, it's remarkable.
Yeah.
So much money.
Just being on a set and seeing the amount of people getting paid.
I mean, it's crazy.
Yeah.
Like, and you look at it and you're like, oh, wow, Avatar costs $2 billion to make.
And it's just like, it's just blue paint.
Just blue paint.
Just paint.
The guys with the drums, just go take their shit.
Take it over.
How is it too balanced?
By the way, that's the best ad.
Avatar 2.
It's just blue.
That's all it is.
It's just blue paint.
Listen, Santino, we love you.
Korean Cop Black People Jacket00:03:55
I love you guys.
I want everybody to go check out Santino's special.
Go see my new special.
It's called Cheeseburger.
It's on Netflix.
Why is it called Cheeseburger?
Watch the fucking special.
There we go.
You got to watch it to find out.
And I've been...
The season of Dave in March?
The season of Dave is coming in March.
We don't have a release yet on Dave in March.
House Party comes out in January.
I think it's the 19th.
I'm not 100% sure.
And then a show called Beef on Netflix with A24 with Allie Wong that is absolutely fire created by my boy Sonny.
This will be a phenomenal show.
It's kind of like the underbelly of Los Angeles, Los Angeles, Korean, Korean town.
Yeah, it's fucking dope.
It's dope.
Is it drama?
Is it comedy?
Is it a little both?
It's inherently like a comedy at core, but it's...
You get cast a lot as our V-white guy, I think.
I haven't seen House Party, but I'm assuming House Party is the first time.
V-white guy.
I want to get them to stop.
House Party, I am the, I'm one of the only whites.
I think you're V-white guy of Hollywood.
Wow.
One of the only whites in that one.
I'm one of the only whites in the Korean show.
The house party shit, Cal was great because he was like, you know, we were playing stuff at the door.
And of course, I answered the door and they're like, you know, it's this old white guy at the neighbor.
And it's like, what are you, a fucking cop?
And immediately I started improving, you know.
And Cal was like, man, it's so funny.
We're not going to be able to use any of that stuff.
Because of course, I was like, no, if I was a cop, I would have seen both of you two before.
And he was like, it's great.
But also, and I spoke with someone at the studio and they talked about like what jokes, like you and I talked about this, what jokes you can kind of try out and leave in.
Yeah.
It's always interesting.
Like what you said about would you say the N-word as a racist character?
Well, yeah, if that was the character, of course I would.
People, dumb people don't get it sometimes.
You're like, dude, I'm playing the crazy guy.
You want me to play the crazy guy?
I'm being the crazy guy.
Yeah, yeah.
The crazy guy's not going to be rational about that.
Right, right, right.
Crazy all the way.
Yeah.
So, so with that, like, I'm this white dork who suspected these two black men.
Yeah.
That's literally the character.
Yeah.
So of course I was going off on this rant, but then I took a turn.
Then the second time I was like, well, now I'm going to be like, I think I'm cool with black people.
Yeah.
So I'm like, dap me up, dogs.
Which is, which is funny.
Yeah.
Well, I said that one line that might have stayed in the movie.
I don't know.
But I said, and I'm down, by the way.
I go, I'm down, boys.
You know?
And he's like, what?
And I'm like, if anything's here, I'm fucking down.
You know what I'm saying?
And they were both finger guns.
And they're both like, I have no idea what you're talking about.
And I was like, I posted two black squares on my Instagram.
You know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm saying?
What I'm being on them.
And of course, they were like, two black squares, that's excessive.
And I was just like, well, it's, you know, just let them know.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, get up.
Please leave.
But playing with those worlds gets super fun because you get to live in that fucking shit.
And I hope them, look, I hope the movie's good.
I don't fucking, you never know.
You never know.
Someone's like, how is it?
You're like, I have no fucking idea.
I hope people like it.
I hope it works out.
I didn't see it.
I wasn't there.
I was here when the premiere.
They did a premiere, though.
Can you be there?
I said, I got to do flagrant.
Yeah.
Let's go.
Listen, Doug, make sure you check out all those things.
Yes.
Check out the special on Netflix Cheeseburger and don't give him any money.
Don't give him too much money because he will have a meltdown.