Bryan Callen and hosts Andrew Schulz and Akaash Singh dissect Callen's global upbringing in the Philippines, India, and Saudi Arabia, his rejected Black Panther audition due to femur length, and controversial views on the Maasai. They debate Will Smith's Hollywood future post-incident, analyze Bill Burr's feminism take, and explore the origins of "The Fighter and the Kid" podcast with Brendan Schaub. Ultimately, the episode blends comedy anecdotes with philosophical musings on male emotional suppression and truth-telling. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
|
Time
Text
USO Tour Comedy Special00:15:14
What's up everybody?
Welcome to Flagrant and today we are here with the one, the only Brian Cowell.
I learned very quickly that there's not a shot I'm ever going to be a special forces operator.
Oh, why?
I did a USO tour in 2007.
How did that work?
I went and did comedy with Dove David off, Steve Burns, Sam Tripoli.
But was your dad like blowing up weddings and shit like that?
Or like, well, is this...
Hey, bro.
By the way.
To keep you safe.
To keep you safe.
That's right, guys.
But I did learn something from a kind of a special forces guy where when they would kill an ISIS guy, they would put a tracking device in the guy's body.
And then they'd, when they had the funeral, kill the funeral.
Dude, and all the guys, all your comrades come and they fucking get it.
Like an AirTag.
They'd feel like an AirTech.
That's crazy.
You can't get into the details.
That's genius.
Yes.
But just to understand.
How do they pick the wedding?
Because we've had some conversations about this.
Like, are they talking to the ISIS or Al-Qaeda people?
Well, so the weddings were always, but there were a couple ways.
I don't hate my in-laws.
Just do this one.
That's exactly what it is.
Oh, no.
I got it right.
You got it right.
Holy shit, dude.
Let me see your papers.
Say again?
No, it's not like that.
No, so your father was Tom Clancy.
My dad, my dad, look, I grew up all over the world.
All right.
I was born in the Philippines.
I lived in India.
You're Philip.
Wait.
Bombay.
Well, hold on, hold on.
You were born in the Philippines.
I was born in the Philippines.
You've had eyebrow surgery or whatever.
I've had eyelid.
You got to be eyelid surgery.
Yes.
Nothing else has been tightened.
This is all money.
Everything's natural except for this area and maybe a little bit of this.
This guy's the most Asian fucking dude on the planet.
Yeah, dog.
Holy shit, Brian Karen, dude.
What are you doing right now, dude?
That is racist.
What?
You're Asian?
Brian Karen?
Buy a carrot.
I do fight in the air.
That's all I'm going to say.
If I were to strike you, I'm going to be a bit more.
You were born in the Philippines.
Born in the Philippines.
Then we moved to India, Bombay, and Calcutta.
Two places in India.
Then, yeah.
Yo, shit, you don't say that's too.
Two different places.
Otherwise known as Mumbai.
Okay.
Okay.
Then we go to the.
What would your dad always say about the time in India?
I put the bomb in Bombay.
Is that it?
I didn't even know my dad so much.
He's just my long-lost brother.
And he sired you.
And then he sires you.
I like using old English.
But I've got to say, it's good to be here.
Yeah.
And then we went to, then we moved to Beirut.
Whoa.
To Lebanon.
Then Pakistan.
Yeah.
Oh, damn.
You got one.
Pakistani?
Yes.
Karachi, Pakistani.
That's where you're talking about.
Pakistan in the house, bro.
Come on.
Great memories.
Wait, wait, why do they have great memories?
Are you calling them elephant people?
No, bro.
No, bro.
Stop reading my mind.
I mean, stop.
Sorry, sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Are Pakistani women good lovers?
Look, I was a young kid, man.
How do I know that?
That's not what I asked you.
Yeah.
It's a good point.
He didn't ask you.
They're very demure.
Pakistan is a very conservative culture.
Yeah, but when you get them in the sheets, or you get them always in the sheets, what are you adjusting?
It's a small flat.
What are you adjusting over here?
You're talking about Pakistan.
So now he's fucking.
Yeah, that's a scope.
Do you speak any of the languages?
I speak French.
Well, that's not any of the languages.
Well, but Lebanon.
Beirut.
Lebanon was French and Arabic.
Paris of the Middle East.
And I used to speak Arabic.
It is the Paris library.
How about that?
He'll surprise you.
It's a Paris in the Middle East.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Somebody reads over here.
I do.
Lebanon again.
You know who doesn't read?
The women in Lebanon.
Come on.
We tried to change the regime.
Okay.
No, we did.
Not in Lebanon.
We didn't.
Well, I mean, that's a longer.
If you want to get into geopolitics, we'll do that for the second.
Yeah, I want to get into it.
What is your dad's issue with ports there?
Well, I'm not at liberty to say again.
Again.
He didn't have anything to do with that bomb.
God damn it.
I'm just saying.
Then we moved back to Lebanon after Pakistan.
Yeah.
And the war broke out.
I got stuck in the war for six months living in the holiday inn and in the basement of the holiday inn.
What?
Yes.
I was 11, 10 and 11.
Wow.
We get evacuated to Greece.
You're like Ann Frank.
I know.
You're thinking that same thing.
Evacuated to Greece.
That's crazy.
And then Saudi Arabia.
So I came to the United States when I was 14.
And look at how good that fucking English is.
And I'm so well adjusted.
I know.
Yeah.
But to be fair, you don't speak any languages except French and English.
He really stretches you up.
I said except French and English.
His accent is fantastic.
Can you come on?
How we?
Ah, that cost.
That shit sounds fine.
Oh, he really does speak it.
Well, he said his parents are from Morocco.
You know that Mark also speaks French.
Yeah, but he speaks it.
Come on, go, Mark.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, that's terrible.
That sounded so bad.
That sounds like you ran out of battery.
He's trying to come here.
He's not from Morocco.
No, Okay.
Wow.
Okay, so you come to America.
America at 14.
And then I come to America.
I go to boarding school.
You're quietly impressed.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, so you come here.
He's taking in my body and everything else.
Yeah.
You go to boarding school.
Why?
Because my parents were still in Saudi Arabia.
And Saudi Arabia.
Wait, wait, wait.
Your parents went to Saudi Arabia.
Yes.
How old you are.
How did your family leave a trail of tears around the Middle East and Asia?
Well, some people would say my dad was a banker, and other people would say my dad did other shit.
Oh, wow.
I said, what bank?
My dad was like, the one over there.
Oh, wow.
Can you at least clear up the rumor?
Is your father Henry Kissinger?
That's what some people said.
The funny thing is, I met Henry Kissinger through my dad because he had sex with your mom and made you.
Oh, my God.
Papa.
Why don't give me some attention?
I don't know why I'm speaking with that accent.
Papa, give me a thanchum.
Okay.
That sounds Brazilian.
Anyway, yes, no, I met Henry Kissinger.
And how was it?
My father moderated a debate between him and Brzezinski and all those people.
Whoa.
Yeah, that's how old I am, you guys.
Whoa.
Kissinger's still alive.
He's 100 years old.
He looks like a mollusk.
Yeah.
Melted into himself.
Okay.
Incredible.
Wow, dude.
So your father was really involved in shaping world policy, and so were you in a lot of ways.
I don't know.
I mean, you were deeply involved in all these decisions, I would imagine.
I mean, he would consult me.
Well, why are you like, Dad, if you were so high up, why were we in a fucking holiday inn?
Facts.
But that might, yeah.
But that's called your cover.
Oh.
Oh.
Can't be too obvious.
If you're in the bougie spot, they're going to know it's you.
Yeah.
I mean, so I look like this.
Now, now you want to get busy with the Middle East.
In a dark alley, and I'm going to look at you.
I'm not going to flex my muscles.
I'm just going to look at you and go, you want to dance?
And then all of a sudden, now you're on your back.
What is your chosen martial art in an alley?
To be completely honest, it's just death touch.
It's here, and my chi goes into your heart.
It stops your mind.
But here's a good thing.
I divide you afterwards, and I go, okay.
Because you're not a killer.
No.
You're trying to be the change that you want to see in me.
I'm going to heal you.
I change your mind.
I'll give you a second chance.
Yeah, hearts and minds.
I break your spirit.
And then I go, and I leave my card in your pocket and I go, if you want to learn how to do this stuff.
Yeah, I'll be at the holiday inn.
The holiday.
It's your birthday.
Fucking holidays.
Welcome to it.
Make a wish.
I can't believe all my secrets are being exposed.
No, they're not being exposed.
This is a tight-knit circle, and everybody here is in the trust circle.
And nobody watches this.
Yeah, nobody's going to watch this.
Now, Alex believes that he could beat up every single white guy.
Do you consider yourself white?
I'm half Sicilian.
Okay.
Black.
Black.
Right?
Whoa.
At least Turkish.
At least Arabic.
Because when I went back and traced my lineage in Sicily, Arabic writing on the fucking, on where my family came from on the wall.
Sicilians just got ran through by everybody back in the day.
They would just let whoever wanted to come in just rinse out all their women.
And that's why.
That's what their cultural mark is on the world.
It's like, oh, do you want to come rinse out our women for a few hundred years?
It's my great-grandmother.
I'm just saying.
She was a great-grandmother.
My great-grandmother.
My great-grandmother was rinsed out.
No, it was by everybody.
I mean, it kind of, it's the most conquered city in the world.
And my family, you know, Italians tend to be.
Did they ever try to fight back?
Why?
What was that?
Because they were merchants.
Because it's our thing.
It was really everyone's thing.
You can fight back or you can just assimilate and be like, fucking go date his brother.
He's got money.
Oh.
We're trading.
Look at my hands.
They're not made to hold a sword.
They're made to serve.
What is the thumb about?
You have a weird thumb.
Can you get it?
I got that.
Now that.
Yeah, what is that about?
That right there.
Pro-Max.
This is a true story.
I broke it punching somebody.
What was her name?
She identifies as a man now.
Oh, that's the important thing.
Okay, you got lucky with that.
Yes, he was a Eurasian man.
Whoa.
And a tall man.
And I struck him.
I hooked him like that and broke my.
What happened to get you to fight?
What did it take?
It was in my martial arts studio, and we were sparring when I was in college.
Ah.
So again, if you want to fuck with me, I'll keep you busy.
Where's my camera?
Until you break your thumb.
Until I break your thumb.
Yeah, you'll be rushing.
They'll be rushing you to the emergency room.
Yeah.
Oh, I like that.
That was a fucking good yeah.
Thank you.
I've been working on that.
We've said nothing.
No, no, no.
How many real fights have you had?
Real fights?
I've had.
What's your record?
Real fights?
Like, since, like, let's just take from 18 on.
Seven, probably.
What's your record?
Yeah.
I slew all of them and then I brought them back to life.
Oh, wow.
No, I mean, I got lucky.
I did all right.
You never lost one?
Yeah, but it doesn't mean I'm tough.
It just means.
Oh, shit.
You're undefeated on the streets, bro.
I'm a street fighter.
Look at how modest I am.
Look at how my fucking voice goes through.
Guys.
You're not proud of this.
I'm beginning to think you fought like a lot of me's to get seven and oh.
Like, maybe you just choose your enemy wisely.
He lived in Mumbai for a while.
Yeah, yeah.
Maybe all those fights were cauliflower fears.
Anybody who cauliflower ears, I walk away from if you're going to fight a man, look at his, look at his neck, his ears, and his hands.
That's a lot to look at.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But take it in.
Okay.
Don't fight.
Don't fuck around with somebody with closed up ears.
Yeah, that's probably smart.
If they close distance, you're in big trouble.
And if they have a chin-strap beard.
No, definitely not.
You're just talking about Dagestanis.
I feel like you're just describing Muslim Dagestanis.
Brilliant.
And then also like some Russians with that thousand-yard stare.
Oh, yeah.
Who just spent their whole life on a mat or in a ring?
Yeah, their life is a fight.
It's a disaster for you.
How do you feel about the Dagestani people?
I'm glad you asked because this is the one question that you fucking asked.
Yeah, he's a journalist.
And he is a journalist, right?
The Dagestanis have had a fucking tortured history.
Really?
What is their history?
Like the Chichenis, always a pawn among larger powers and always being invaded.
But that's why aggression in that country, that's why MMA comes so naturally to them.
They've done a lot of studies on herding cultures on cultures where, like the Chichenis, the Afghanis, the Northern Irish, the Northern English, where their culture was an honor culture.
And honor culture, meaning if you've got your fucking, you know, your land, your sheep.
If somebody steals your sheep, you die.
You don't survive the winter.
So if somebody steals your sheep and you want to survive, you got to go kill that motherfucker.
So violence is how you solve that problem or you die.
You're feeling like agricultural societies.
Yes, I know.
No, no, for real.
They actually were.
And we protected the Queen of Scotland.
Cameron Clan.
Scotland.
Scotland.
I'd love to have a Scottish.
I've always wanted to say things like, if it's war, they won't.
It's war they'll get.
Yeah.
Good.
That was good.
That was good.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, you know what's crazy is that war lasts like two weeks and then you just get conquered.
But where did the queen die?
Yeah.
Where did the queen die?
Where the fuck did the queen die, bro?
At liberty to say, I can't tell you.
Well, I didn't think you have anything to say.
Don't say that.
They just think that the Scottish people killed the queen.
They were stupid.
They couldn't save her life at the hospital.
These shit doctors, bro.
Say again.
She was 96.
Yeah, we waited to the right time where nobody would question it.
A breeze would have killed her.
Well, we made it windy.
Okay, that's what we do out there.
We handle motherfucking business.
He's the queenslayer.
I'm the queenslayer, bro.
Is he mostly Scottish?
50% at least.
That explains the height.
Maybe some more.
Or explains his length of bone.
That's right.
Exactly.
Yeah.
We are milk drinkers and sheep, sheep, what?
Launchers.
Herders.
Sheep herders.
Yep.
And then after we heard them, split them.
Jake.
Sometimes you lead them toward water.
If you lead a sheep toward water, they'll back up.
And that's when if you're lonely.
Oh, because then you get to be like, but it's only weird if you're a woman.
It's only weird if you're smiling.
If you're frowning the whole time, it's just maintenance.
Yeah, that makes sense.
And they just back up on you, and then it's like, oh, I didn't do it.
That is correct.
Favorite type of blacks.
I'm just dancing.
This is important.
I don't see color.
I know.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
My favorite kind of visions in black and white.
That's wild.
That is nuts.
My favorite five blacks are the Maasai of Kenya.
Yes.
Why the Maasai?
Well, the Maasai were fearsome warriors.
And the legend, if you read out of Africa, the legend was that a Maasai, first of all, they lived off their cattle.
It is very common to see a 6'7 Maasai and the women who are 6'2.
My buddy went and lived with them.
They can tell, he was a triathlete.
Maasai Warrior Cattle Legends00:02:24
He tried to keep up with those motherfuckers on.
Couldn't do it.
Forget it.
And they can see things.
They can watch the way a blade of grass is bent and go, a kudos over there.
They would drink, they would live off.
They live off of their cattle.
They would tap a vein in their cattle.
That's my people.
They would eat.
Yes, I could tell.
And they would eat.
You said 6'7, though.
You said there were.
But he slouches.
I got you, man.
And then, and they would eat, they would drink high-fat milk.
Okay.
And that's a vein in their cow.
They would drink the blood of their cattle.
They're Mongols on their horses.
I got a lot of history here.
Yeah.
But here's the coolest thing about the Masai.
Yeah, what's the coolest?
The coolest thing was that the British found, and whether this is myth or not, I don't care because this is true in my family.
What did they find?
The British found when you took a Maasai.
No.
And you don't know what it is.
Don't do it.
Hold on.
Fuck, dude.
And you put him in jail.
Oh.
If you put him in a jail cell, I need your eyeballs on me.
I'm listening.
Now listen.
When you put him in jail, your motherfucker would die.
What does that mean?
Because he couldn't be held in it.
You can't.
He would rather die than be held captive.
I think you're just doing Black Panther.
His nerves.
I think you're just doing it.
Shut up.
No, I'm not.
Is that the same thing?
I think the concept was there.
I was doing that.
It's a staff.
Yeah, it was a staff.
It's an imaginary staff.
And it just looks, by the way, and you got to do this.
I wasn't sure.
You guys had the turn.
The last hot explanation ever is, hey, we locked this black guy up and he just wanted to die.
Not be treated him like shit.
You don't say that.
When they were killing Black people.
They were warrior because they weren't.
No, They would rather die than be fucking dishonored by being.
How's a Masai getting arrested in Britain?
First of all, he's pronounced Maasai.
Oh, my God.
Leave your racism at the door on.
Thank you.
Sorry.
I'm not taking over.
Fucking Masai.
Can you tell us about the Maasai too, Al?
Like, what do you know about that?
No, no.
We're such a warrior people, bro.
Whenever we were, you know, held captive, we just wanted to end it, bro.
Yeah.
Were flowers common?
What was your choice?
How did you kill yourself?
What was the way that you could do that?
I mean, I was never held captive.
No, no, I'm saying, I'm saying how you do it.
Locked Up Black Guy Story00:13:07
Yeah, yeah.
Just shut your central nervous system off.
Whoa.
Kill yourself.
Just fuck Epstein.
Kill yourself, bro.
Just a war cry and just die like this.
Don't die.
With your eyes.
Wake up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Holy gosh.
Epstein.
Isn't that exactly how Killmonger died?
That kind of was how Killmonger.
I feel like you're almost taking a little bit of black spirit and then you're applying it to the Maasai trip.
Black Panther took it from me, motherfucker.
I think I was around before that time.
Drew auditioned for that?
I did.
And for the bald female, like, what is her name?
Yeah.
And then what happened?
They said that my femur bone is too short.
The costume really is.
And I'm insecure.
I'll pass it in.
Your femurs.
I have a short femur bone.
No.
If my femur bone, if my torso was in proportion with my femur bone, I'd be 5'8.
But I have a long torso and a long neck, so I'm 6'4.
Oh, thank goodness.
Oh.
Almost.
But so crazy that, like, you went out for that role and they judged you just based on your looks and that you weren't allowed to do it.
Fuckers, that's really what it is.
And age.
That seems unnecessary.
That seems unexpected.
Unbelievable.
No, no, no.
I wasn't even saying that as like an insulting thing.
It's not irrelevant in a TikTok world.
Yeah.
I didn't say that.
Well, TikTok.
No, no, no.
Fucking.
I'm just going to attach myself to your belt loop.
Teach me, Bob.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because y'all need some tickets.
Okay.
You're going to need tickets to events.
And let me tell you something.
You're not the only one that wants to go.
So where you're going to get them tickets, you're going to get them at SeatGeek.
That's right.
They have the tickets to any event you might want to go to.
I understand those WNBA games.
They're playing them in like football stadiums, completely fucking sold out.
You can't get a ticket.
SeatGeek has got your back.
Maybe you want to go to Madison Square Garden.
Maybe you want to watch Izzy fight.
Okay.
Maybe you want to do that.
November 12th, you might not be able to get a ticket.
What?
Yes, you can with SeatGeek.
And not only will SeatGeek allow you to get a ticket, they'll let you know if it's a good deal for the ticket.
If you got that green dot, green means go.
Get that shit.
If it's red, it means bad.
Be careful.
Someone's trying to rip your ass off.
That's what SeatGeek will do for you.
And I'm not done yet.
If you go right now and use the code Flagrant, you're going to get $20 off tickets at SeatGeek.
Simple as that.
It's $20 off your first purchase with the promo code Flagrant, okay?
All you got to do is download the app.
You know how to get apps to App Store.
Get that shit.
Make sure that you use the promo code Flagrant.
You can get $20 off.
You're welcome.
Go do something this fall.
Go do something right now.
You deserve it and you deserve it at discount.
You're welcome for allowing me to supply that to you.
Now let's get back to the show.
Listen, listen.
No, no, I do feel like it's unfair because, and I was saying this to Santino and Bobby Lee when they were on here, that you were by far the best actor of the crew.
Like in terms of like raw acting ability.
That is 100% true.
Act 30.
Act 30?
Yeah.
Fuck.
Fuck.
It's been too long.
What's the deal with Netflix?
Thank you.
I had to get into it.
Thank you, guys.
No, but in terms of acting, can we be serious right here?
I think, because Bobby and Santino agreed that Santino is a better actor.
He's a good actor.
He's a fucking great actor.
And Bobby's a good actor.
He's a best student.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
He took my.
I'm sorry, what?
Yeah, he took my workshop.
Who's number two?
See, I knew you were going to ask that.
No, you thought he was going to ask who's number one.
Yeah, I did.
I did get that off there.
Journalism.
Can I be honest with you?
I'm proud of what Christian Bale has done with my Twitter.
Really?
Wait, Christian Bale was your student?
No, Christian Bale's number two.
He never resisted because he listened to everything I told him.
Oh.
And he and Daniel Day, who's my number one, would get into these crazy wrestling matches.
Never fist fights because I don't allow that in my class.
But they would get upset with each other.
Yeah.
So there was a competition.
What was the thing with the story about when you were coaching Daniel Day-Lewis for the My Left Foot thing?
Yeah.
Remember that there was some like crazy thing that was.
I said it's not about your foot.
What is your foot?
Yeah.
What is it?
What is it about?
You don't act with your foot.
Yeah.
Okay.
And he said, what do I act with?
And what did I say?
What, what?
Your heart, Daniel.
Yeah.
Wow.
Your heart.
Yeah.
So, and that's a lesson for everybody here, guys.
Read with your heart.
Yeah.
Right?
Read with your heart.
It's not about clicks.
Yeah.
It's not about, it's not about news.
It's not about what's in here.
About your heart.
Yes.
Okay.
Wow.
Yeah, that's what I came here to say.
Yeah.
Those are your three best students.
Daniel Day, Christian Bale, Andrew.
Andrew Santino.
Santino.
Yeah.
Quite a roster.
Who's four?
And I don't like redheads.
That's not natural.
I said it here.
He dies it.
What?
Wait, wait, wait.
Andrew Santino, you're saying on this podcast right now, dyes his hair?
I mean, yeah, he's got raven black hair.
Naturally.
Wow.
What happened?
Wow.
Did I?
Shocking revelation.
Yeah, it's controversial.
Eyebrows as well?
He has a colorist.
Yeah.
Wow.
I know, from Paris.
That Hollywood magic right there.
Oh, my God, dude.
Oh, my God, dude.
Bobby Lee even Asian?
What's that?
Is Bobby Lee even Asian?
Bobby Lee is indeed, he's actually Swedish.
No, Bobby is Asian.
Bobby is Asian.
Okay, good.
So as far as acting goes for you, you retired.
Well, probably.
It's not like they're banging down my door.
Thank goodness.
It's not like I've got a whole bunch of.
But I'm doing bad.
This is the truth, though.
This is the truth.
Thank you, bro.
By the way, by the way, let me, can I do a little acting thing?
Let's go.
Does smoke.
You might as well do it somewhere.
Guys, tune in to best of on YouTube.
Travel show.
That's where I find the people who are best at what they do.
And so I fucking, I'd rather put my special on YouTube.
Fuck other networks.
Yeah.
Yes.
I follow the fucking Andrew Schultz model.
I'm not going to Netflix.
Yeah.
Fuck your algorithm.
I'd rather be on YouTube.
Before you slowly say that, I actually do.
I told you this before, but I think that the best of show is awesome for you.
Thank you, Mike.
I really think it's great.
And we're going to have to work on how you title things a little bit, but we'll do that.
I need to just so people can do it.
But I love this idea.
Like you go meet up with these experts and then you indulge in their expertise.
Yes.
And then your hilariousness comes out through it.
And I think it's a great idea for you.
I love doing it.
I want to do Brian Shaw, who's the strongest man in the world.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I'm reaching out to him.
We're having a Thor.
Remember, he used to be like Thor.
He is, but Brian Shaw is actually the strongest.
And I want to shadow him for a couple of days or just a day.
And I want to just ask him, I want to get stronger and bigger.
Teach me how you do it.
Yes.
I really want to do that kind of stuff.
Will you do Reuts?
You know, I've never done any of that stuff.
Are you on tea?
Yeah.
I'm not on T. You're on here.
You're on TV.
No, I'm not.
I've never done it.
You're not natty.
All my friends.
You're not natty.
Guys, I'm 100% natty.
And a lot of that's because it's genetics and God likes me more than most people.
Wow.
Wow.
Yeah.
I have a lot of, you know what it is?
Peptides.
I have a lot of energy.
Yeah.
And I'm afraid that if I do it, I'm fucking when I feel like my energy is lower and I can't move as well.
Yeah.
Then I'll do tea.
But right now, I'll just, you know, because the only reason I do it is to get more muscular and that's embarrassing.
You also got a new wife, like a young.
I have a new wife.
And she probably needs to be satisfied.
She's the best, I know.
She's 32, dude.
How are you keeping up with that?
And I have a baby.
I know.
You know what I'm saying?
Eight months old.
You're married again.
Huh?
Yeah, I am.
Oh, hey.
Okay.
And I get along very well with my ex.
How about that, you fuckers?
Now I got three kids, one, a 14-year-old, who can barely stand me because she's 14.
Yeah.
And she rolls her eyes at me all the time.
Everything you say.
Oh, there's nothing I can do.
It's like fucking, you know, it could be a lot worse.
You're welcome for everything.
Yeah.
Have you ever tried just listening to her?
And like hearing her out, like about her day?
Son, he's already married to one challenge.
I don't know who this guy is anymore.
Try listening?
Hey, hey, I'm an American man.
I wish I could smoke because I would do that.
I would smoke like this.
Whoa, Oh, the full face palm?
Yeah.
I like that.
I like this.
Anyway, what was I talking about?
Family.
Yeah, but you asked me something else about acting.
It doesn't matter.
You know, but the best of thing is fun.
I never, this is the truth about acting.
I was never, and Rogan has been telling me to quit acting from day.
I was the first guy he called where he goes, I'm not, I'm quitting acting.
We were like 35.
Okay.
And a director said to him, Can you do it again?
And he goes, no.
No.
Really?
The guy goes, what?
He goes, I don't want to.
If you hire me, I'll do it on set, but I don't want to do it here.
And then he, and his agents called him, what the fuck?
And he called me and he goes, I'm going to quit acting.
And I was like, are you out of your fucking mind?
That was always the way he was.
He goes, yeah, I'm going to do my own thing.
I love it.
He's the one who got me to do a podcast and start my own podcast.
Really?
My own podcast.
Brian Callan Show, original title.
Wait, are you really?
Yes.
When are you doing this?
Starting actually this Tuesday.
And are you interviewing people?
What's the I'm going to interview people?
I think I'm going to start by just talking about the things I want to talk about because I'm older and I think that there's a difference between good ideas and bad ideas.
And I want to highlight the good ideas.
Yes.
At 55, I've made enough mistakes and I've paid enough attention to the world to know what you should be focusing on, what you should be indulging in, and what you shouldn't be.
A huge part of life, in my opinion, is learning what not to think about.
What not to indulge in.
Are you going to do like advice, Colin?
I don't know.
I mean, I think that you have to be very careful about advice.
I don't think that people, I think most people know exactly what they're supposed to do.
But the rest is denial, right?
It's like there's a saying, it takes five minutes to fall in love.
The rest is denial.
And people get divorced after 20 years over what they knew about the person in the first 10 minutes.
Whoa.
You know so much more than you think.
If you take a minute, you raise your hand for a question.
Hold on.
Do you know the answer?
Because you probably do.
And so most of us know.
What I find interesting about.
We're only talking about it.
I'm looking at, Akash, this is a whole, we're doing a whole interview.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know the answer.
You know what you're supposed to do.
It's like your best self is clearing his throat in the other room over there.
Whoa.
And I think that it's always, for whatever reason, terrifying to realize your full potential.
It's actually terrifying.
Because you have to do it on your own.
Because you have to stand on your own.
And you have to really figure it out for yourself.
But when you do, man, when you're still enough to do that, it's powerful.
You've done that.
Is this the podcast?
I don't know.
Maybe.
You know what?
I'm going to sample this.
It's a trailer.
It's a trailer for sure.
But I think so.
But I don't believe in this.
It's not that.
Maybe it's perspective.
And maybe I'll talk about the things that I think are worth it.
Figure it out.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm going to do a book review.
Ben Askron.
You know, Ben Askrin?
Love Ben?
This motherfucker reads as much as I do.
Yeah.
So we're talking, and he's talking about Yuval Harari and Sapiens.
He's talking about how he has a problem with this book, but he's giving me like nuanced arguments.
And I go, hey, dude, on my podcast, let's do books with Ben and me and Ben Aspen review a book so that you don't have to read it.
We'll break it down.
Yes.
This is what I'm into.
Right?
I hate reading.
Right.
Nobody's lying to read a book.
If me and fucking Askron break it down and you listen to 12 minutes or 15 minutes of us breaking down a fucking book and making it fun and now you don't have to read it.
Come on, man.
That's it.
Right?
Yeah.
So I'm going to do that with Askrin.
Oh, yeah.
Best of Brian Callen's.
What books?
What's your first book you're going to do?
And whose comp is it?
I think the first book we're going to do is conf.
Like who's.
Is anyone specifics comp?
I demand that he take me seriously.
I'm just curious.
I'm actually into it.
Dude, I'm going to do the talent code.
We're going to do the talent code.
What's the talent code?
The talent code is a guy, a Dan Coyle, who looked at essentially the best coaches in the world, the coaches that put out the champion after champion after champion.
Baseball, tennis, fucking the best violinist.
Why are they the best?
Because what's that?
Did you say black?
Talent Code Coaching Secrets00:10:17
They're black.
That's exactly right.
You don't have to read that.
That's a valid point.
Yeah.
You don't have to read it.
It's because they practice what they're bad at.
So check this out.
So regional swimmers and Olympic swimmers.
What's the difference?
What's the difference between a regional swimmer who's a competitor and an Olympic swimmer?
Go, tell me, and then I'll tell you.
The Olympic swimmer practices what he's bad at.
Yeah.
But you almost.
One is from the Olympic region of France.
Yes, technically, to be considered there.
So they spend as much time, same amount of time in the business.
The swimmers are not black.
I'll tell you that right now.
How have you gotten them?
I think there's a documentary, Blackfish.
I actually haven't seen the documentary.
I can't even see the documentary.
Is that what it's about?
Wait, are you saying that documentary about that thing in the water that would kill people?
I haven't seen the documentary.
I just saw the title.
And that's what you guessed that it was about.
Yeah, I just assumed.
I had never actually seen it.
Correct.
That's kind of crazy, dude.
That's kind of crazy that Mark would just go there with that.
Yeah.
I've never seen that.
What did that say about him as a man?
Well, Alex, I apologize.
Why you apologize, Viscount?
Yeah.
I just, the ignorance is on behalf of the delegation.
Listen, you did a podcast with Sam Tripoli that I would watch, the conspiracy.
Well, I'd watch the clips of you guys.
I love conspiracies.
I think this is great.
Now, you were playing the straight man.
Sam would try to convince you.
Well, Sam, everything.
Did he ever convince you?
Dude, everything for Sam is a conspiracy.
Sam is like, that's what they, he's always doing this.
Apparently, there's a tight circle of people that live in the fucking sky.
Yeah.
And I'm like, who's there?
Yeah, you wouldn't know anything about that.
Yeah, man.
Yeah.
Powerful people that control geopolitics living in Saudi Arabia.
Yeah, it's still silly that there's a fucking tight-knit group of people running around here.
Yeah, that are all at your Christmas party.
You have their names.
What was that?
What did you just do?
Nothing.
No, because I have, there was a spot.
What the fuck was that?
You were talking about the time that Sam convinced you of a conspiracy.
Sam is a guy.
This is my favorite thing because he'll come up with a conspiracy theory and I debunk it.
And so you're WWE.
Well, I do think that overall, if you look at the news, if you look at how the liberal media specifically talks to each other and talks to big tech, there is this sort of like cooperation.
And I think that's very dangerous.
There is this idea when they all got together and said, we have to agree on what COVID policy is.
And building something.
And if you say anything other than the narrative, which is now being proved to be a little bit faulty, you get banned, you get censored.
That's very dangerous because it stops independent news organizations from coming up with ideas.
Now, what about conservative news?
Same problem in a lot of ways.
Although the conservatives, so here's my joke.
And I really mean, CNN can find racism and inequality the way a ghost hunter can find a fucking ghost.
Right.
Right?
And then Fox is like, racism, we gave him the vote.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So it's like, hey, can we meet in the middle, man?
If you were black, you'd have a different perspective.
Yeah.
I spoke to a bunch of my black friends who were like, I have three.
That's full skill.
Now that's good.
That's good.
That's solid.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're not bad, right?
You got to start at five.
You got to like court.
Yeah, Thank you.
Thank you.
Mark has two, so you're winning.
You do?
Yeah, I know.
Can you introduce me?
I'm very happy with your fucking man bun, dude.
I appreciate it.
What is your national?
I just call it a bun for the record.
Yeah, when you call it a man bun, it makes it.
All right, but let's get back to fucking.
Yeah, please.
Yeah, you were talking about that.
I asked them about their experience with cops.
All of them, because they're men, they're macho.
And they don't want to give it up to me.
It's a good show.
And then I would press them.
And I would get things like this.
Like my buddy Herman said, if I go by a cop and my music's playing loud, I turn it down.
Yeah, yeah.
Or I put my glasses on, even though I don't need glasses.
Oh, wow.
That's what Al does.
Or I roll my window down.
And I thought to myself, I've never, ever had that experience.
I've never even thought about that.
So that's interesting.
The other thing is I was talking about racism and stuff, and this guy was a doctor who's a black.
Are you trying to say that you think black people go through life a little differently than white people?
Believe it or not.
And I wanted to say this here because a lot of people don't understand that.
But you need to talk to you.
You need to talk to your black friends.
Yes, I did.
Yes, I did.
But you don't remember when the first black kid went to your elementary school?
What that was like?
But I'm afraid I didn't have any black people in my elementary school.
Oh, that's right, because you're in fucking...
I went to Buckingham Palace, Pakistan.
No, I was around all different kinds of people.
It was like this room.
It's very international.
That's how I grew up.
I grew up around black people.
I assume you went to international schools.
Yeah, bro.
But when you live in Saudi Arabia, you're around Ethiopians.
You're around Kenyans.
You're around, I mean, every, you're right.
Everybody's there.
You're around.
So for me, public circumstances.
I grew up being the minority guy.
Did you ever go to like a public circumcision?
Yeah.
Yes.
Yes.
Saudi Arabia.
But it's only inhumane if you don't give them something, a piece of leather to bite down on.
Oh, really?
Do they do it like they're taking out a tooth?
They tie it to a door and slam it?
Is that true?
No, you just go to your happy place.
So, okay, so when you're at the public circumcision stuff, are you learning about like I was literally going with you?
You did go.
Saudi Arabia, by the way, you can watch people get their heads chopped off and their hands chopped off on Friday.
On Friday.
I believe it's Friday.
Maybe Thursday.
Are you plugging dates right now?
Come see me, guys, this weekend, San Jose Improv, and there'll be a beheading.
That would actually be a sell-out for sure.
You would sell so many fucking tickets.
I hear why they do it.
You're back in theater.
Somebody would lose their head.
San Jose Improv is speaking, motherfuckers.
And Andrew Schultz is opening for me.
Yes, I'll be there.
Saudi Arabia, you really lived there?
I did for a while.
Why are you questioning that?
40 minutes in.
Right back.
40 minutes in.
Because you were talking about it.
You just thought it might not be.
I thought he was lying about that one.
I don't know.
But where did you live at?
Riyadh?
I did live in Riyadh.
Really?
I like that you have some geopolitical know-how.
This guy knows an annoying amount.
I know.
And he keeps it close to the vest.
Okay.
He pulls it out.
But let's just talk about Riyadh.
Okay.
Did you live in one of those cities that they construct to look just like a suburb in California?
No, because I lived there in the 70s when it was just beginning.
Oh, really?
I want to know who your dad is.
I grew up in the developing world.
So when I was young, I went to communist China.
I went to communist Russia.
I saw what those, I went to Yemen and walked through the streets.
I was in those countries as a small boy.
When you see somebody with leprosy, advanced leprosy as a boy, and you're an American and you're just lucky for no reason and you never went a day without food.
And then you see kids your age desperately begging at the car behind a fucking air in an air-conditioned car.
And I'm in somewhere in Africa or I'm somewhere in India or I'm somewhere in Pakistan or somewhere like that.
And you in your, or I'm in Yemen and I see somebody with leprosy.
I've never forgotten that.
I'm not the same.
You fucking, what happens is as a kid, you go, why am I so lucky?
What did I do?
I didn't do anything.
The math fell in my favor.
Yeah.
And so you got to overcome that shit.
That's why I have such a problem, but they always make fun of me, Shabban Rogan.
I don't like self-promotion.
I have a problem having shit because I have a lot.
But I grew up with people who had less than nothing.
The humiliation of poverty in the 70s and people who were truly dying, truly starving because of those socialist utopias that couldn't feed their people before the agricultural revolution.
I'm so old, dude.
But that was a reality, man.
And that's not, and the huge progress today is that we don't have stories about starving people in X, Y, and Z. You know what I mean?
Eat your fucking breakfast because there are people starving in whatever that country is.
That's how I grew up.
We all did as Americans.
All of us grew up as Americans.
Are you saying in America people aren't starving or global?
I'm saying in America, you ate your food because your parents would say, hey, there are starving people in China.
There are starving people in India.
There are starving people in wherever.
And that's changed.
And that's progress.
And who changed that?
A lot of it was technology, opening up markets, believe it or not, global cooperation, even though people have problems with globalists.
But there was just technology.
Monsanto.
Innovation.
Well, yes.
I mean, learning how to grow crops that were resistant to all the different kinds of pesticides.
People who have a problem with pesticides have never had to grow food.
I wax poetic about family farms and fucking eating regeneratively.
And then I get farmers who go, hey, bro, come try to produce milk without technology.
Come try to grow.
You have heaps of fresh fruits and vegetables in the wintertime.
Come try that motherfucker.
Milk's not that hard.
I could do milk.
You could do milk, too.
Milk's pretty easy.
That's one exception.
All you do is this.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
I wouldn't have started with milk.
I've always wanted to milk a cow.
You've never milked a cow?
No, I really want to.
Dust up.
Let's try that.
Yeah.
You've done it?
Yeah, one time.
Really?
Yeah.
How'd you do?
Have you?
Yeah, of course.
Don't act like...
Everybody milks a cow.
I'm in a city.
Yeah, but I milked a cow.
Sorry, man.
I went to a petting zoo.
Okay.
And then we milked a cow.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Pulled on that teat, dude.
Yeah.
Wait.
Are you sure it was a cow?
Yeah, bull or whatever.
You got to pick.
A bull or a cow.
Yeah, What did you pick?
Well, I picked the bull because it looks sicker with the horns.
Okay.
That's not milk.
Tell me about it.
Let me get my hand that myself.
It is milk.
They call it condensed milk.
It's what the Vietnamese put in their coffees.
Is that true?
Yeah.
Yeah, 100%.
Wow.
He knows these little facts.
He's so amazing.
Yeah, yeah.
It's thicker and sweeter.
You should try it, dude.
You never had bull milk before?
Straight from the tap?
True Classic Wardrobe Upgrade00:03:37
You never just fucking grabbed on that thing like a fleshlight in the...
Fuck.
You got a problem with bull milk.
I only do soy.
That's the thing.
Oh.
Yeah, I hear you're big into that.
Soy?
Yeah.
That's why I have bitched it.
No, you don't.
You've got a good body.
I have a good body.
Yeah.
What I do is I'm going to get a little bit of a bunch of people.
You've got a nice build.
You're like coilaray.
I'm an athletic.
Coiler.
It's the greatest name of all time.
I literally just said to make it.
Alex started.
I had started in fucking show business and you said change it in your coiler or Le Ray.
Coiler Ray.
That's it.
Yeah, there you go.
But that's a guy who smokes cigarettes with you.
You got that build, dude.
Just fucking ripped.
Yeah, man.
That's my body right there.
Yeah.
My dick is smaller, but still.
Look at her.
She's adorable.
Pretty girl.
Her androgynous.
Pretty girl.
Pretty good.
Good way.
She's a tomboy.
Yeah.
When'd you lose your virginity?
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because some of y'all need some new shirts, man.
Let's just be honest about it, okay?
And today's episode is sponsored by True Classic.
This brand makes t-shirts that actually fit.
Very important.
You've got your whole outfit ready, but your ill-fitting shirt is ruining it.
And True Classic would never let that happen to you, okay?
They're super soft.
And also, when you're jacked, finding the right t-shirt can be incredibly frustrating.
Obviously, something I deal with on a daily basis.
Most t-shirts are too tight in all the wrong places, way too big and boxy, but not True Classic.
True Classic has already helped over 2 million men get their fit on at an affordable price.
And you know, ladies are up in there trying to steal all our cool shit.
So ladies, you can go get that as well.
Well, our listeners get access to the absolute best deal that they offer, okay?
For a limited time only, they get 25% off with the code flagrant at trueclassic.com.
Think about that.
You know what your body is, okay?
Make sure that you get a t-shirt that fits your body and accentuates all them popping ass biceps.
They got the active wear crew necks for that right there, okay?
They also don't stop at just tease, okay?
They're the one-stop shop for all things menswear, and they make it super easy to build out your wardrobe.
They got some polos, the workout shirts, the same flattering fit that you like.
Once you find something that fits, if you're a dude, that's what you rock with, okay?
We don't need a million different brands.
We need something that works with us and fits and looks good, and they got your back.
Simple as that, okay?
I'm telling you, all of their clothing is beautiful and affordable.
You usually don't get those together, but you actually can.
If you're worried about sizing, True Classic leaves no man behind.
For any of the big boys out there, they have long body options for the tall guys.
They got big body options, XXXL as well.
You may even get more reps in with True Classic because when you look good, you feel good, and you keep that pump going.
Okay, you got this.
So it's about time you get your fit together.
Upgrade your wardrobe with True Classic.
Get 25% off at TrueClassic.com.
When you use the code Flagrant, free shipping included on purchases over $100.
Remember, that's 25% off TrueClassic.com with the code Flagrant.
Strengthen your core wardrobe with True Classic today.
True Classic, look good, feel good.
Now let's get back to the show.
Hello, everybody.
We're in different outfits.
Miles, show that very quickly, please.
Thank you very much.
Come back to me.
Appreciate that.
NFL Betting Promo Codes00:05:54
Listen, we're in different outfits because when we recorded this episode with Brian Callen, the games that we would have spoken about have already passed.
Yes.
And how can we possibly bestow this amazing gambling knowledge that we have on a game that's already passed?
You can't.
That would be criminal.
We're not criminals.
And we're not criminals.
No, we're upstanding citizens.
Exactly.
So, Akash, you know, since you might know slightly more than me about football, who are we gambling on this?
I'm going to give you credit.
What, what?
After the Bucs won the Super Bowl, you said, is Bill Belichick overrated?
Okay.
And you didn't mean it, but you're starting to hear it a lot now.
Was that right?
I think you might be right.
That I meant it.
I meant it 100%.
Because he's got this guy, Mac Jones is their quarterback.
He's in his second year.
You would think they'd be more ready than they are.
I just don't think they're good.
And they're playing the Ravens.
Yeah.
They're only three-point underdogs.
So I think the Ravens are going to, I think, skull fuck.
Oh.
The Patriots.
I think they're going to beat their asses.
They had a devastating loss last week.
I think they come back this week and they're just, they're just a much better team.
Wow.
That's what I think.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I like that.
So you, again.
I knew it.
Yo, I know so much about football.
Lamar Jackson.
Lamar Jackson is on the Ravens.
You know, Lamar Jackson's on the Ravens.
You know, contract year.
Yeah, contracts.
I definitely does all the shit.
Why do you know that?
Because I'm a professional gambler, bro.
I know all about this shit.
Jets, Bills, Chiefs, Chargers, bro.
I know all these teams, bro.
I know all the teams.
Yo, I actually think if you watch football, this is the best week to bet.
I watched.
I watched.
You literally interrupted Vola's long-ass story to be like, yo, third week is the best week to bet.
I really for no reason.
It is.
You kind of know what teams are good watching, and then Vegas doesn't really know yet.
I know the Bills.
I know the Buffalo Bills is going crazy, bro.
I was watching that.
You watched that?
Yep.
They look fucking good.
They look fucking good, bro.
Good.
They look great.
Who are they playing?
Say again?
Who are they playing?
Man, some sorry ass team, bro.
Honestly, those teams are hard, bro.
Because I was watching that game, and then I was watching the Eagles take on Vikings.
Son, Eagles look good.
They look good.
They look good as fuck, dude.
That's it.
Superman, Justin Fields.
Nope.
Nope.
You got your black guys confused, bro.
What's his name?
Lamar Jackson.
No.
I know.
Oh, fuck.
No, what's his name?
Jalen Hurts.
Come on.
You know when a kid doesn't study for a test and he's like just trying to figure it out, like in a presentation, the slides are coming up and he's like, the mitochondria.
Fuck.
The powerhouse is the cell.
Who are they playing?
Who are the Buffalo Bills playing?
Sorry-ass team.
Tennessee.
No, that's the Eagles.
The Bills play the Titans.
The Titans.
See, nobody knows.
Yeah, brown people are the only ones in the show that know anything about football.
That's what I realized, dude.
It's just Volla.
I know everything about football.
Nick Chubb.
Be honest with you.
Come on, bro.
Cleveland Browns.
Hey, he's not there.
I'm telling you.
Ask me any question about football, including who I should bet on this week.
Okay, who should you bet on this week?
Well, first, ask me a question.
Ask me any question about anybody.
All right, who's the charger quarterback?
Rip Carlidge Flexer.
Come on, shut it, Jesus.
I'm nice.
Okay, okay.
Any question, ask me.
All right, go.
Who is the Seahawks quarterback?
Say again?
Who's the Seahawks quarterback?
Shit.
I know who it was.
Ciara's husband, bro.
Russell Westbrook.
Russell Westbrook.
No, Ciara's husband used to be the quarterback.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And now he's no longer.
Now he's with the Broncos.
Right.
Got $230 million to go over there.
$165 guarantee.
There you go.
Learned that in a bar combo.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
This is your Slim Dog Millionaire, bro.
Practicing this shit, bro.
Oh, dude.
He just goes back to the bar.
He's like, oh, what are you saying?
He's at the bar, not tipping.
No, because I'm at the bar at the hotel.
Oh, yeah.
You were just in Atlanta.
How the Falcons doing?
Say again.
You were just in Atlanta.
How the Falcons doing.
Oh, the Falcons are sorry.
Okay.
Crazy case of monkeybox.
The whole offensive line is out, bro.
It was nuts.
The entire offensive line, for real.
Marks, hit him again, bro.
God damn.
All backup offensive line.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So it's crazy.
So they suck.
The Atlanta Falcon.
Now, who should you bet on?
Say again.
Who should you bet on?
This week?
Who should people bet on?
Yeah.
Honestly.
Honestly, if you really want to make money, if you were trying to make money, a good bet right now would collect this would be the Jets.
Like if I was a gamble at Bet Online, right?
And I wanted to make bread.
Yeah.
Who are they playing?
The Jets are playing a team with 52 players on the roster.
You notice the less he knows about that topic, the worse his hearing gets.
The less he knows.
The Jets, do you know who the Jets are playing?
I do.
Who?
I'm pretty sure the Bengals, right?
No, nobody knows.
That's the thing about football that you realize?
Nobody really knows.
It's like WWE.
Surprise game.
The other team comes out.
Nobody knows what's going on.
So the Jets obviously had a crazy win this last week against another team.
Yeah, who played a team?
Who was it?
It don't matter that much, bro.
It don't matter that much.
They played the Browns, but it don't matter that much.
Son, wait, do I know about football?
Do I not?
Right now you're confused.
You don't.
But you take my advice at Bet Online and make sure you use that promo code Flagrant.
They're going to match 50% of that initial deposit bonus.
Suck ass.
They should go and bet online this year.
Up to $1,000.
That's right.
Up to $1,000.
When'd you lose your virginity?
V-Co?
14 years old.
14 in Pakistan.
On my birthday.
In Saudi Arabia.
Oh, my God.
Saudi girl?
No, American.
American girl.
Yep.
From Alabama.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Dude, no.
What happened?
Said your cis.
What?
No, he was saying she was cisgender.
Joker Movie Role Reflections00:15:58
There's nothing sacred.
She was cisgender.
She was cisgendered.
Thank you.
And that's very important.
Yeah.
Wow.
How old was she?
She was 25 years old.
What?
No, she was also 14.
14?
No.
The both of you?
Yeah.
Oh, God.
In love.
Wait, that was your girlfriend?
I was in love with her.
Wow.
Loved her for two years after that.
Would write letters back before we had emailed guys, huh?
You'd write a letter and she'd put her perfume on it.
Get out of here.
And I would go, and I would miss her.
And then the rest is downhill from there.
What?
You guys broke up?
Yes.
Oh, no.
Because she went to Turkey.
I was still again.
I thought it was going to be a love story.
She was in Turkey and I was in America.
Oh, yeah.
Right?
So I couldn't.
It's very difficult.
Is it awkward if you see a woman come in with a full burkha and you think it's your ex?
Well, you know what?
By the way, I think a lot of women are in flesh burkas, and that's our society.
What does that mean?
Means that, as a woman, you've got to put on a fuckload of makeup and get all your all your surgeries, and that, to me, is worse than having to wear a something you can take off, the amount of pressure it takes to get this going and that going and that surgeries.
We have a culture that doesn't make people feel good about themselves.
Oh, you sell product by telling people you have a deficit.
Oh wow, like you could change this.
Yeah, bring this up a little bit.
Yeah, and women have to compete, because my favorite bit i've seen in a long time is Bill Burr's bit about how no feminist has watched one w Nba game.
But the people making all the money are are the Kardashians who, who basically look the exact same.
Now yeah, they all look the exact same.
Yes, thank you to their fantastic doctors.
Yeah, but that's where the money is, motherfucker.
Yeah, you just have to have a bone structure that cuts light.
Well, and if you don't, we got the technology to fix that.
You just need a amount of money.
Like think, I don't think.
So yeah, why not make you feel good?
I did listen, didn't it make?
I mean, I think you look amazing.
Thank you very much.
I really think it was great, it was a great decision.
Seriously yeah oh, that was good.
That's my natural look.
If I relax my face, go no wow, I know I keep it tight.
Are your lips natural?
Huh, your lips?
No filler ridiculous, you have a little filler.
I've never done any filler in my in my face and i've never dyed my hair.
You said you gotta say in your face yeah, have you gotten filler elsewhere?
Yeah, I mean here.
This is obvious.
So yeah, wait in this area.
Yeah yeah, good one, Brian.
Hey guys, San Jose Improv.
This weekend it's Mccain watching Briancallon.com.
My dates are everywhere on youtube.
Special man, you're gonna.
The comments have been amazing, but I don't read one comment.
My girl told me, oh wow, it was like Adam.
Uh girl, that lies to you.
When I did bro, I did, when I uh Complicated apes my, my special.
Before this, Adam Corolla told me it was the highest rated podcast on, I mean comedy special on Apple, and I never read one comment really, because i'm afraid of comments.
Oh wow, because the same power that a good comment has a negative comment.
Yeah yeah, yeah.
So keep it.
Uh, just keep doing your work, man.
Yeah, I can't do it, i'm too sensitive.
Yeah no, that's, that's a Brian Callum thing, because the minute you you, you get seduced by the public embrace, you're gonna start aiming.
If they tell you you're something and it feels good, you're gonna aim for that.
And if they tell you, and then then that somebody, one person is gonna say, it's like one person, it's like, it's like um, I had an acting teacher who said, you don't go home for the holidays and they're like what the?
And he goes because you're gonna have a sister or your mother is gonna go.
You haven't made it yet.
Huh, my prayers aren't being answered yeah, oh.
So god doesn't want me to make it either, and it would them up for six months.
I saw that in real time.
I've told you what's crazy is that acting teacher also didn't make it and didn't see his family.
So that motherfucker is miserable.
Well, I don't know what's successful.
I met shops.
How'd you meet shops?
So I, my buddy, was a THE Strike Force champion.
Who?
Nate Marcourt.
Yep.
And I watched Nate, I'm speaking a little out of turn, but I have a great deal of respect for Nate Marcourt.
He was just one of the great fighters.
And I watched Nate sort of, they were calling him a knockout artist.
And I watched this guy who would just get in there and fight and react to whatever was given to him.
I watched him start trying to be a knockout.
Now, I'm in no position to tell an MMA fighter how to fight, but I do know performance psychology.
And I noticed he was doing a lot of interviews and I had a conversation with him.
And I said, you cannot listen to anybody tell you you're a fucking knockout artist.
Because then you're going to.
You can't listen to anybody tell you anything about how you fight.
Because if you listen to that, you are going to try to fulfill that shit.
That becomes your brand.
Fuck off.
No, don't listen.
You have to, you react to what you're given.
And fighting is a beautiful example of that in real time, right?
Yeah.
It's like kinetic chess.
And so I, I, and so he said, can you come and talk to Tough, the ultimate fighter, about performance psychology?
Because it helped me.
So he brought me to Vegas and I walk in and Shane Carwin's there.
And dude, and I, and this guy named Brendan Schaub, who, of course, I had seen fight, was there.
But now I walk in, I fucking, I've got like a blazer on.
And it's like a gazelle in a lion's den.
Yeah.
I start producing estrogen immediately.
I'm just like, what the fuck am I doing here?
And I, and I, I realized, I go, I have to talk to these guys about, and I did a little bit.
Then I ended up just being funny and fucking around.
And then they came to my show that night and I'm punking so funny.
Man tears, guys, seriously.
And they fucking, and Shab and I, and Shab moved to Marina Del Rey, and then we just started hanging out.
Oh, really?
And then I said to him, I go, bro.
And me and Rogan were at Metamorras with him and he was making us laugh.
He's telling stories.
What's Metamorrus?
It's a jiu-jitsu thing.
And he was making us laugh, telling stories.
Rogan's cackling.
He didn't know him.
And he goes, dude, that guy's fucking funny.
And I go, yeah, no, I don't hang with him because he's got big muscles.
Yeah.
I mean, I do sort of, but you know, for the most part, he was fucking hilarious.
And I said to him, I go, let's do a podcast together and we'll talk about fighting.
And he said, no, we're not going to talk about fighting.
Let's talk about life.
And that's how Fighter and the Kid really now, he was the fighter and the kid.
So why did you guys do that title?
I came up with the title because I came to set one day when I was doing a movie with Jane Lynch and I looked at everybody and I go, guys, please refer to me as the kid from now on.
And he would say kid, and I'd go, please call me the kid.
Okay.
I thought he was a fucking.
And they were like, why?
And I said, I gave myself that nickname.
From 40-year-old Virgin?
It was not that silly movie.
No, but it was the one before that.
But thank you for asking.
I went from the hangover to those two movies.
I made a lot of good choices.
Yeah.
Joker.
Joker, if you blink, you see that much of my face.
Oh, the UFC movie.
What's the UFC movie?
Warrior.
Warrior.
I put the wrong director together for that movie.
You were talking wild shit about Tom Hardy.
Yeah.
I liked him.
But when I did fucking Oak Joker, I'm there for like four days with Greer Barnes.
Yeah.
We're all hanging around.
I've been doing this so long.
We're doing it.
And Joaquin Phoenix is there and he's in the room the whole time.
Never said hi or buy once because he's so a fucking character.
All right, whatever.
Is he, what is that called?
Method, method, method.
Yeah, Is he method though?
Oh, like, like, like, big time.
Like, he, they, he was 184 pounds, and Todd Phillips said something to the effect of, I think he should be skinny.
Yeah.
And so this motherfucker, I think, came to set at 126 pounds.
Wow.
This motherfucker.
Well, apparently he didn't want to.
Apparently, Todd Phillips was like, you need to be this skinny.
And he was like, no, that's too much.
Todd's not like that.
Todd will say, Todd is, Todd's beautiful because Todd is really good at figuring.
He doesn't, he allows you a lot of leeway, but he knows exactly what he wants, but he's not going to do it.
He'll just say, I think he might be skinnier.
Because it was really about an incel.
That was the idea.
And so he, he, and so Joaquin Phoenix, who's got this inhuman discipline, they say, we'll get you a nutritionist.
And he was like, no, fuck off.
I'll eat an apple a day and just smoke.
Fuck.
And I'm not kidding.
And I saw this motherfucker.
When I got to set and I said, hey, this time, he was doing the scene in the bus where he can't stop laughing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That scene is amazing.
Now, I watched that dude.
I watched one fucking frame, one frame like that.
And I looked at her, I go, he's going to win an Oscar.
Really?
It was like the fighter when you saw Christian Bale, my student.
And I was like, this motherfucker is going to win.
The minute opening frame, I went, oh, no, this is crazy.
Oh, he's going to win.
I thought that was great.
I re-watched it like a week ago and I was like, yo, the fighter Christian.
That's great.
I still don't think it holds a candle to well.
I'd never seen anything like Joe Burger.
So here's the big secret too.
So Joaquin, they went, hmm, I don't know if I can.
Well, I bet, I believe that there were other actors on that list to play Joker.
Interesting.
And everybody was afraid of that role.
Everybody who's a great actor is afraid of that role.
Who do you think was top of the list?
Because there's so much margin for error.
Who do you think is top of that list?
My third best student turned it down.
Did you deserve it?
Huh?
Did you deserve that role?
Did they come to me first?
No.
But this motherfucker took it.
This motherfucker took this role.
Who do you think is number one?
Who do you think they want?
Well, I think who's the person that's number one in Hollywood that you would go to first, no matter what.
Leo?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That would always be the guy.
So it starts.
I'm not saying that's true.
I'm not, I'm not.
You just assume most lists start at Leo.
Duff?
Yeah.
The top three was always Leo, Brad Pitt, Will Smith.
There you go.
That was the thing.
Now, now Will Smith is a joker.
It would be hilarious.
I'd love to see that.
You know who could be a good Joker?
Jada.
She'd be a great joker.
That's kind of genius, bro.
That's kind of genius.
I find her very attractive.
What?
And I like her with that shaved head.
I think she's hot as fuck.
I mean, just physically.
Are you just trying not to get slapped right now or what's going on?
I want to get slapped.
I want to get slapped.
You think it's done for Will in Hollywood?
I loved what Dave Chappelle said, which was he approximated a perfect person for 30 years.
He played a perfect person, and it's nice that he took the mask off.
And we can see that he's just as flawed as the rest of us.
Yeah.
That shit's exhausting.
Yeah.
And you get caught up in that.
Look, look, you have the truth, man.
All you have is the truth.
I don't give a fuck.
It's like my favorite thing.
My favorite quote is, you get away with nothing in life.
You can twist the fabric of reality.
I'm quoting Jordan Peterson.
You can twist, but I've always said this.
You can twist the fabric of reality for a while.
But the truth sits there on the fucking couch with a fedora and a cigar going, when you're done with this parade, I'll be here.
I'm going to be collecting my pound of flesh.
But take your time.
Take your time.
No, it's good.
Have a good time.
But I'll be here.
You could have been a great Joker.
That's what I'm saying.
I just saw it, dude.
That was it right there.
He has it.
With my Invisalign?
Yeah.
Dude, I get these off in four weeks.
I'm going to be handsome as fuck.
And then, can you imagine if I just get that?
Oh, just that, dude.
I'm about to 30 fucking five.
Flesh joker.
And then fucking TRT.
TRT.
Talk about a flesh burger.
Yeah, why don't you do TRT?
I have to piss.
I'm sorry.
Come on, Ark.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Damn, pull those pants up, bro.
Weld underwear are those.
Aka Sings.
That's true.
Finally, finally.
Now we can talk.
Phony's gone.
Wait, what did I just ask?
I really did want to know the answer to that.
Will William Will B. Do I think he's finished?
No.
I don't think anybody's going to be.
Here's a better question.
What does he have to do to get back?
I think he's got a.
He's got to be like an indie that blows up.
He can do it all day long.
Tomorrow, if he wanted to, he can keep it.
It has to be an indie that blows up.
It's critically acclaimed.
Everybody says.
I don't know.
Because the thing about it is that his brand was this perfect, safe person.
And then we saw who he really was.
Yeah.
And I'm not saying he's a bad person.
Yeah.
But we saw that he's human.
Yeah.
That he had a fucking moment, that he lost control.
I don't think that defines you, by the way.
You don't freeze him.
You don't freeze frame him.
But because I think he's a pretty extraordinary guy in a lot of ways and seems like a good person.
But he had a fucking moment, man.
And I think that you could say he could do a role and shit, but I almost feel like he's got a, I don't know, man.
Maybe he's got to have a real conversation about what he learned.
He tried to do that a prize.
This shit was horrible.
No, because it's not, because then because he's still caught in that trap.
He's still caught in that what I'm supposed to say versus how I really feel.
Yeah.
Which is I fucked up.
Yeah.
And I wasn't sorry in the moment.
I'm still not sorry.
I'm still not sorry.
Yeah.
You know what?
And that's who I am.
He hates motherfuckers.
Hell, even when he's apologizing to him.
When people fuck with my girl, I see red.
Yeah.
Fuck you.
He would have been better off doing that because I would have been like, I got you on that.
Yeah.
I got you on that.
Yeah, I'm an ugly motherfucker when you come at my girl.
Yeah.
That's how it is.
Yeah.
That's a drop of rap out.
What's that?
Whoa.
Yo.
Like a drill track?
Oh, curse.
Getting jiggy with it.
If he puts out like another version.
I'm on like Chicago drill, like talking about killing.
Yo, music forgives, man.
If the music is fire, we will let you do whatever the hell you want.
Hell yeah.
He's trying like a 444.
Imagine.
But can he do that where he's talking where it's raw enough?
You know what I mean?
I think his brand was so safe, universal, family.
Now you took that mask off.
You're not putting it back on.
Yeah, you can't be the sweet guy anymore.
Yeah, but that's what happens, man.
When you build your own fucking cage, you know, it might be a.
I thought there was something in that.
What are you doing?
I thought my fume was in that.
He wants to smoke, so he wants a fume instead.
You do.
What do you smoke?
I don't smoke.
But I'm getting addicted to it, so I'm trying to smoke.
You are.
I don't want to do it, but I love smoking cigarettes.
Don't vape.
But you used to smoke.
Nope, never.
But you like it.
He's breaking it up.
I love 38.
Really?
Love it.
Is that right?
And so is vaping you won't vape, but you want to.
I don't want to vape.
I only like cigarettes.
Do you smoke weed?
You like cigarettes?
Don't smoke weed.
Hate weed.
Me too.
Yeah.
Fucks me up.
Makes me sad.
Actually, I love weed, but the next day I get so hung over.
I did do six grams of mushrooms.
Yeah, yeah.
Six grams of mushrooms.
When?
When?
Well, I did a mushroom ceremony.
I did three, and then I did another three.
Have you done ayahuasca?
No, but I dissolved into the fucking sun.
Really?
I went, I was an inside of Genie bottle with three grams.
I was fucking in the desert.
I was on a carpet.
I mean, dude, I'm telling you, I was like, this is the secret.
This is the secret.
I'm in a portal of beauty in heaven.
Yeah.
And then I was invited to take three more grams, not knowing because I'm not a season tripper.
I dissolved into the fucking sun.
I died twice.
I got caught in an infinite loop of hell.
And apparently, I was in the fetal position screaming.
Where is it?
You had to come get me.
My buddy ran away.
It was a bad situation.
How long ago was this?
This was about two months ago, sir.
Yeah.
Where was it?
It was in Los Angeles.
San Jose Improv.
Do you lay down and are guided through it or are you walking around?
Infinite Loop Hell Experience00:08:17
People that did it were very experienced.
I don't think they realized that I was just not ready for your body, everybody's body reacts differently.
I had a bad mushroom trip once.
You did?
Did you?
Yeah.
I was at Burning Man.
Fucked me up.
What happened?
I just, every time I closed my eyes, I would be in that Enter the Dragon movie where Bruce Lee has to fight the statues, but each statue was like an insecurity of mine.
So, like, and I could open my eyes and go, this is stupid.
I know this isn't happening, but I was so tired I wanted to sleep.
Exactly.
So every time I would close my eyes, I'd start seeing the things again.
And it was gnarly.
When you came out of it, did you have an urge to confront those insecurities in one way or another?
No, like, it wasn't one of those things where it's like, I've gotten past that now.
You know, like people who do ayahuasca, they're like, yeah, I've reconciled with my dad.
You know, like, no, no, this was, they're still there, and I just had to fight them.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's good.
You didn't learn from this experience at all?
Nothing.
Well, I learned don't do mushrooms for a while, and then I did them immediately after we went back to Burning Man.
But I think you live a pretty honest life, and you're honest with yourself.
Yeah, so that's a huge part of it.
I also, like, I don't think it's realistic to have no insecurity about anything.
Of course not.
I don't want to lose my insecurity.
You're an asshole.
And I don't want to lose my dissatisfaction with myself and even the fact that I don't like myself that much.
I'm not interested in liking myself because I got to write.
Yeah.
I got to come up.
I just fucking dropped this special.
I got to write a whole fucking new special.
Yeah.
I need holes to fill, man.
Don't fucking, I'm not interested in.
Damn.
I'm afraid of comfort.
So stupid.
What a stupid thing.
You could disagree with that.
You don't think fulfilled people can write?
Like, Joe Rogan is completely dissatisfied with himself and he's like, I haven't done anything.
He is.
He is dissatisfied.
I think he wants to achieve a certain thing, but I think this idea that like, I don't like me and that's the only way I'm funny, I think that's.
That's what I'm talking about.
That's not what I'm talking about at all.
I'm talking about the fact that you can like yourself and be proud of your accomplishments.
But the idea, Joe, the first thing Joe said to himself was when he came to, because I watched his fucking hour, which is going to be, dude, I've known him since I was 27.
This motherfucker in front of 12,000 people did an hour.
I looked at Tony Henchcliffe and I was like, bro.
And he goes, I'm telling you, it's the best thing he's ever done.
I've seen everything.
I'm talking about at 55 and he's got some money.
That's amazing.
Got some money in the bank.
Yeah, yeah.
First thing he said, fuck.
First thing he said to me is he goes, When I came to Austin, I didn't want to allow the comfort, the money, the attention to dull my fucking instrument.
Yeah.
Because he's never satisfied.
Yeah, there's a difference between being never being satisfied and never being satisfied with yourself or happy with yourself.
Well, I mean, dramatic, okay?
But, you know.
No, that's the acting background.
My bad.
My bad.
I forgot.
I forgot who I was talking to.
Killing my mind.
I forgot.
I forgot.
I was going to get poetic.
It was just dumb stuff to do.
It's a soliloquy comic.
No, but no, no, I think, I think, I disagree.
I think a little self-loathing is probably a good thing.
I mean, or not self-loathing is, again, too dramatic, but a queer sense of dissatisfaction with yourself.
Well, you got the queer part.
Because I'm inclusive as fuck, you guys.
Yeah.
I understand what you're saying.
And I think that like sometimes, okay, this is going to be the most lo-fi version of it.
But maybe a comic that's overweight is afraid of losing the weight because he feels like he'll lose his sense of humor with it.
I've seen that.
Now, I don't necessarily believe that to be true.
And I think that's what Akash is saying: is that like you can still fix these things and still be funny.
You know, you might be.
You should always be trying to self-improve.
Yes.
I agree.
The idea that you hold on to your self-loathing is ridiculous.
Yes.
You should always be trying to self-improve.
Also, also, like your self-loathing might not be what drives it.
Your dissatisfaction with something might be what drives the comedy.
Well, let's put it this way.
Yes.
See if you agree with this.
We are all as comics in the business of original self-expression.
I don't write shit unless I think it's original.
Unless I think that it's unless it surprised me and it's not derivative.
If it's derivative, we all write shit that I know is going to work.
Man, I get that feeling in my heart.
I go, fuck, man, I'm a bitch right now.
But then you write something that surprised you, that you got excited about.
I stay alive for that shit.
And that's the business of self-expression.
That I don't know about you guys, but that never gets easy.
That war, that dragon, you got to all and you got to, and you got to, the challenge is not get caught up in the same questions.
Get caught up in, because most writers actually are obsessed with probably one or two questions.
For me, it's always been, what is courage and what is a man?
How do you define what a man is?
Why can't I cry?
I learned because I come from a culture that doesn't allow.
I'm not even saying this is a like he's even older than us.
And we grew up being like, oh, crying is weird.
We're just now getting out of that.
And I'm not teasing you in this morning.
Yeah, he's 15 years older with him.
And so crying, even seeing a therapist was considered a weakness.
Yeah, dude.
And I talk about this in special.
I really think it's the joke, but this is true, is that we have evolved through millennia, most of our history has been hunter-gatherer tribes having to fight another hunter-gatherer tribe for resources, territory, whatever it might be.
Hunting on foot with sharp sticks.
We didn't have metal for most of our thing.
We didn't domesticate animals.
Try killing a woolly mammoth with fucking sharp sticks.
It's got to be a team effort, and I can't have anybody fucking emotional.
That's why loyalty with men is so important.
Why?
Because I'm just going to go.
You are right here, motherfucker.
We're going to go fight that other tribe or we're going to die.
Sure.
And I think those things, that sort of, there's real genetic residue.
There's genetic memory to that.
It's how we've evolved.
So everything after that is very difficult, man.
But there's a lot of strength also in what goes back to being honest and being like, yeah, I cry.
Yeah, I feel fucking scared.
Or I'm, you know, all those things.
And maybe that's where, you know, that's what I'm, that's kind of what I'm fascinated with is the fact, but here's what you learn when you're older too, is that you can build as much armor as you want.
Chaos is coming, motherfucker.
The flood is coming.
And it's going to come.
It's going to come in a form you don't recognize, bearing weaponry you have no armor for.
I don't care how ready you get.
You can have access to a well.
You can have seven months of frozen game meat in your freezer.
You can have all the guns.
You can have a wall.
And some shit happens to you that brings you to your knees.
Could be, God forbid, something to your kid, could be something else.
But either way, just know that that's a factor of being a human being, a limited creature called a human being.
And we are doomed to that constant sort of process of self-perfection.
I think this is a new thing, though.
And this is probably for the majority of maybe only Americans or Western, I don't know, but the chaos is now emotional.
Whereas before the chaos was survival, we just need to survive.
We've kind of evolved past that.
Yes.
So now we're thriving and thriving is dealing with all this shit.
And that doesn't align with any of what evolution has been.
Yeah, I think searching for meaning, right?
So once we figured out how to feed ourselves and we live in a very unique time where we don't have to worry about another country coming into our country.
So our resources don't have to go so much to weaponry and an army.
Another country, another tribe.
All that.
Now what it is, is I think we're all looking for meaning.
That's a fucking hard thing, right?
Before meaning was, I just need to live and fuck and carry on the offspring.
And that's evolution.
Yes.
Yes.
But comics maybe might be the siren song, man.
That's like, you know, satire is powerful.
It's fucking powerful.
Yeah.
That's how you speak truth to power.
Like when you can, when you can make fun of the powerful and you can make fun of human folly and how ridiculous all of us are, it's like this.
It's like don't tell them that.
No, don't give us too much importance.
I bristle at that as well.
Yeah, as long as we don't have too much importance, we can do everything we want.
The second we start saying, we're the whatever the side is, then all of a sudden we can't say shit because they're like the modern day philosophers are saying that.
Satire Speaks Truth To Power00:01:32
Yeah, I agree.
If the best thing that we can be to the people in power are clowns.
I agree.
Because then we can say whatever we want to the people in clown.
No, he didn't.
The clown was the one thing, a person that could make fun of the king.
But the fool would come in and be funny, and sometimes the king would be like, I don't like him.
Well, every once in a while, just be funny.
Be funny.
You know what I mean?
Simple as that.
And also, if we take ourselves too seriously, then we become, we lose that whatever gives us importance.
You lose that when you think you matter.
Well, never forget being serious.
Never tell them whether you're being serious or whether you're being silly.
Well, I love being silly.
Yes.
Because it's like, it's the only time you can take the whole chessboard and just fucking go, fuck off.
That's a beautiful moment in life.
We stay alive for the moments you like.
Think about your memories, I think, are correlated not with accomplishments.
They're correlated with laughter.
You know, there's something, there's an intimacy, there's a frequency when you're fucking laughing with your boys.
That's what's so great about podcasts.
Because when will we have this conversation where we're actually sitting here actually connecting?
Yeah.
And you guys are learning so much from me.
Yeah.
We are.
For free.
And nobody's writing anything down.
Good point.
But we have it recorded.
We can listen to this over and over again and watch it over and over.
Every single one.
Guys, and not only can we watch this, we can watch Mantiers on YouTube and watch Best Up with Brian Callen and watch your new podcast and watch The Fighter and the Kids.
And all you guys can do it too.
And Conspiracy Social Club on YouTube.
And Conspiracy Social Club on Austin with Sam Tripoli.