Mark Normand and Andrew Schulz dismantle Top Gun: Maverick's $156 million success, debating its patriotic appeal against unrealistic G-force physics and neutralized enemies. They critique Hollywood's forced diversity versus organic representation in the UFC, then pivot to comedy's migration from algorithmic censorship on Netflix to authentic community building on YouTube. The duo analyzes Shane Gillis's SNL cancellation as a catalyst for independent success, contrasts generational media consumption habits, and speculates on future societal shifts toward open marriages and destigmatized attraction, ultimately questioning if true independence remains possible without massive wealth. [Automatically generated summary]
That might be a big reason why this movie's successful because look at him.
He looks amazing.
He looks great.
He's the greatest.
Is this unnatural, though?
Yes.
No, no.
He got wrinkles, bro.
Stop hating, bro.
What do you think?
Why are you hating?
Come on.
Why are you hating right now?
Are you serious right now?
A white man can't age that well when you see Angela Bassett.
She looks that good.
Why can't a white guy age like that?
Let me ask you this.
Better action star.
Say it.
Say it.
If you say Travolta, I'll fucking throw it.
Who's on Nick Cage?
Nick Cage.
Nick Cage has become a punchline.
I mean, he's in a movie.
After this guy.
Nick Cage is the greatest.
One of the greatest actors.
You backed off.
I did.
After I saw Top Gun Maverick, bro.
Honestly, Tom Cruise is probably the greatest American actor ever.
I don't know if he's the greatest actor.
Action.
Action star.
Maybe action star.
I don't know about actor.
Who runs faster?
Fastest man in the world.
If Tom Cruise goes like this.
What does running him do with acting?
Hussein Bolt is doing it.
Jamie Fox.
I think Hussein Bolt could beat Tom Cruise.
That's the fuck I believe in Tom Cruise.
When you see him run in a movie, he might be the fastest runner.
That's true.
I'll give you that.
He ran like a motherfucker in the firm.
Oh, yeah.
He runs in every movie.
Theater.
Yeah, every movie.
Every movie he runs.
Jerry McGuire, he runs through the airport.
Great run.
Don't you think doing your own stunts is selfish, though?
Why?
Because you got all these people, you got all this money on the line.
You're going to be like, oh, I want to do my own thing and then ruin the whole production.
But what if it makes the production better that we know he's in there taking them G's, bro?
I'm like, how does it make it better?
They say G's.
Dude, he was taking it.
That's it.
Intro video in the beginning.
That was the smartest part of the movie.
Okay, God, the smartest part of the movie is Tom Cruise.
Son, grow up, dude.
Like, can you live a little out?
Can you go see Top Gun Maddie?
You really want to fuck this guy, bro.
You too, son.
Whatever, bro.
You fucking have a bad boy.
I don't care like him.
I want to play.
I want to play.
Dress like him, dawg.
I don't like Tom Fucking Cruise, bro.
What's wrong with that?
I'm supposed to.
He's a hero.
He was mad as a volleyball scene.
Yeah.
I have some trauma.
My dad wasn't a fire pilot.
If my dad was only a fire pilot, then maybe I'd be able to get through this.
Difficult time in my life.
Okay?
You didn't see the fucking movie, so you don't know what's going on.
I'm glad I did now.
You like trash movies.
Horrible.
You like trash movies, dude.
What do you like?
Everything everywhere all at once.
Amazing.
I heard that was a male I haven't seen.
I heard of that.
That's a good movie.
Wild gay.
The whole movie's wild gay.
Oh, it's so sad.
Life is so sad.
I got no therapy.
I'm a dumb ether.
He loved the movie so much.
This movie is so good, bro.
Everything is good.
Everybody raves.
I haven't heard one of those bad reviews.
That's a movie.
What's a movie?
It had depth.
It had a meaning.
It had depth.
It's not just this bullshit.
Hey, what was the depth in it, bro?
Shut the fuck up.
Explain the depth.
This is just bullshit when you fell asleep.
Yeah, I have to watch it again.
You're a piece of shit.
It was so deep.
He couldn't handle it, yeah.
He couldn't handle it.
Brain got tired.
Were you laughing at the Asian accents?
Be honest.
And be honest right now because you laugh at ethnic accents.
Were you laughing when they would speak?
Nah.
Because they were kind of fake.
You can tell.
You can tell that someone's actually suffering through the accent.
Yeah.
It's only funny if you're laughing at who they really are.
Yeah.
This guy.
This guy dissuades in her.
I mean this sincerely.
If a guy with an accent that is brown is sincerely talking to him.
Yeah.
Like if he's like.
It could be a funeral, a eulogy.
Anything.
It could be.
If a funeral is actually, he would laugh harder, but if it's because it's important, but if it was something innocuous, if it was a funeral, someone's abuse like this guy's uncle at a funeral.
He's just up there and he's like, Dibble Debbie, Debbie Debbie, Dimmel Debbie, Devil Debbie, Dimmel Debbie.
Go.
He would be fucking crying.
But to their face.
He'll laugh right to their face.
He doesn't care.
He laughed at his mom's face.
You did?
You were talking about his tits.
So, I mean.
I wasn't talking about his tits.
That's respectful.
I was responsible.
It's in front of him.
Not in front of him.
Yes, you were.
Right where they beat him.
Right in front of him.
What did you say?
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
Dude, you made me laugh.
That's why I had to watch it.
This is bullshit.
I swear to God, I was saying hello to her.
I didn't do that in front of him.
Laughing At His Mom00:04:03
Yo.
Yeah, yeah.
I would, be honest.
If she asked.
That's what I would expect from you.
I would be awesome if she asked.
Don't speak in code.
I'm not speaking code, but hey.
I didn't say anything.
I didn't say anything about that.
Yes, you did.
Did I say something to you?
I had these right in front of a card.
Okay, is I thought that would make me laugh.
I might have done that.
I might have done that, but it was no disrespect.
I had a piece of shit.
Pull it up.
Say this sing.
This is sick.
We have big tit moms on this show.
Does your mom have big tits?
She does, but she's a big lady.
Like, like, New Orleans, big?
Like, yeah, you know, rascal.
No, I'm joking.
She rides around the wall.
No jokes.
She's like, well, she's a girl.
Rascal.
I was like, is that an issue?
She's such a funny lady.
I call him rascals.
That's not bad.
Okay, no, but she's a big lady.
She's a big lady.
She's a cook.
She's like a chef lady.
So she's got an ample bosom.
Oh, that's what's the same, yo.
Yeah.
Same to same.
Yeah.
All three of us.
All three of us.
All right.
Yeah, the heavies.
Big old, what about the brown nips?
I know your mom's got brown nips in there.
She got dark, dark tin nails.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got Sicilian.
Oh, you're tough.
Oh, half.
And then the other half?
French.
Gay?
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
I didn't know that you were Italian, bro.
Half.
I don't claim it.
I don't know.
I don't like to dive into it.
Half, yeah.
My nigga.
Come on, man.
All right.
I can only say half the word.
The back half.
No, that's dope that your mom got fat tits, bro.
Yeah.
That is dope, though.
Only walked, I walked in on one.
She was bathing, and it was an eye full.
Really?
I was like, oh, geez, you know.
What was she in?
Naked taking a bath.
She had something to tell.
She was in like a shower.
She was sitting in a tub, like an old school, you know, with the feet.
The paws.
Yeah, that's in the paws.
Yeah, big paw.
Oh, that's fire, dude.
Yeah.
But it was big, like, it wasn't like during Katrina or anything like that.
I was young.
I was young.
Okay.
Okay.
Because when seeing a tit was like jarring, you're like, oh, my God.
Because tits, I think we're used to tits now.
They're everywhere.
This was a face-to-face first tit I've ever saw.
How old were you, Mark?
I was probably 31.
I don't know.
It was probably like eight, nine, seven, something like that.
They left an imprint.
And my dad, a huge piece.
Peace.
Huge.
I got nothing.
I don't have nothing, man.
Yeah.
No, you have nothing.
I don't believe that, Mark.
I mean, I'm okay, but it's nothing to write home about.
But you're not like, it's not.
No, no, no.
I wouldn't say I'm small, but I've never had any complaints or whatever the hell.
Yeah.
Which I never got when people say, who's going to write comment cards?
Like, yeah, yeah, this was weak.
But yeah, I just, I think I'm solid medium.
Like, I'm not a showstopper, but I'm not a night ruiner.
I'm 5'10.
I'm skinny.
Base hit.
I'm a base hit.
There you go.
But it doesn't matter.
You're married almost now.
Yeah, exactly.
Your fiancé duck.
She's fine with it.
She likes.
Yes, thank you.
That's grown man shit right there.
I'm trying.
We're trying to get Al to do that as well.
It's scary.
Don't get me wrong.
When are you getting married?
November.
Ooh.
It's coming up.
Where?
New Orleans.
Oh, good for you.
Yeah, you got to go hometown.
Is she from New Orleans, too?
No, she's Cape Cod or how do you win that?
Oh, Cape Cod.
That explains it.
There's nothing there.
Yeah, go get married in New Orleans over Cape Cod.
Yeah, yeah.
Exactly.
It's almost like a destination wedding, but half his family's there.
You know what I mean?
Perfectly put.
You get the food.
We're going to do the second line, the whole thing.
You guys want to come?
Yeah, I'm there.
I mean, it's open invite.
You know what?
I hated going.
Destination Wedding Debate00:11:08
This is the most narcissistic thing in the world.
I hated going to weddings until I had a wedding.
And now I fucking love the wedding.
I was talking to Mark about this.
It is, you don't get it, and then it happens, and you like, you get to kind of like reenact like those moments for you.
And then you get to see that kind of like pure love.
And even weddings that I'd went to in the past, now I remember much better.
I love them.
I've always loved them.
Really?
Well, just, I was such a booze bag growing up.
Like, you got a suit, everybody else is getting drunk.
So it felt like I was doing something instead of just blacking out on a Tuesday.
Yeah.
There was a band there.
We're cutting a rug.
You might meet a lady.
Hey, can't believe that you hated Top Com, man.
No, I didn't hate it.
I enjoyed it.
I'm just saying, it was definitely a Hollywood cheese.
But isn't it interesting that I love cheese, dude?
Cheese is fun.
I love cheese.
We love cheese in this country.
But we have an American cheese.
But it is fucked up.
There's something going on where we have to farm out a lot of our entertainment now.
Have you noticed like Squid Game?
Yep.
Parasite, all everything else, or whatever that movie's called.
Crazy poor Asians.
That's what it's like.
Crazy poor Asians.
Because we are so scared of making content, like especially the Hollywood and like, you know, the big studios, that I feel like there's a lot of, we're taking on a lot of foreign films these days.
Worst woman in the world or worst person in the world, great movie out of Norway, just saw that.
I think we're painting ourselves in a corner art-wise.
So we're not willing to piss people off.
Yeah.
We're so concerned about, so the creativity is limited a bit.
Yes.
And you know what's weird?
This is kind of annoying.
I don't know how to exactly say this, but like, you know how there's the push for diversity, which is great.
And in a cool way, it's kind of fun being like a white guy now.
Like when I get offered these roles, like all the roles are badass.
I'm like a drug dealer.
I'm like, I'm doing something that I shouldn't be doing.
And it's like, this is what white people used to just cast black people as.
And they're like, oh, we can't do that anymore.
So now we get the cool shit.
Exactly.
But which is awesome.
And in 50 years, black people are going to be nerds and white people are going to be really cool.
And it's your fault.
We already got the alarm commercials.
You know, it's just a bunch of white guys with hoodies.
They're like coming to break into the car.
And nobody believes him.
I think he lost his keys.
You need help.
I like the Gela.
Cat calling one?
That was my favorite one.
What was that?
It's just like a bunch of guys cat calling, but it's always a white dude like, hey, miss.
But it's going to help the brand.
You know what I mean?
Because if you're going to cat call.
Yeah, because now the white guys are like the suave ones cat calling the street.
Finally.
We got good cat call.
I mean, like, honestly, white dudes have cat called what?
Like the construction worker is a white guy.
It's a whoppy Guido thing.
It's a Guido guy.
It's a fucking Irish guy.
We call the white guy's a different kind of white guy.
That is very true.
That's true.
That is very true.
But so this is the thing that I don't like this happening.
There's the push for diversity, which is great, right?
But what happens now is when I see diversity, go.
You think, was that a higher?
It's forced.
It's forced.
Instead of when I'm a kid, I watched Aladdin and I didn't go, they're trying to make some stuff for the Middle Eastern people because we're bombing them all the time.
Exactly.
Right?
And maybe that was the reason, but I never thought about it.
With any like Pixar movie, like with Mulan, I didn't think it was like, oh, this is trying to make Asian relations better.
But now it's in my head.
Of course.
So I'm like, what is the, is the best way to go about it just make the fire shit without being so well look at this podcast.
Look at this.
You got an Indian, a black guy, bye, you know, he got a Jew over there.
I don't know what that guy is.
But you weren't trying to do that, were you?
That's why it's good.
That's why it's good.
Look at UFC.
There's nothing more diverse than UFC.
It's a Nigerian versus a British guy versus a Brazilian guy versus a Korean guy.
But they weren't trying to do that.
It's just the best of the best.
And we never worry.
We never go, oh, is that a Dagestani guy in there because it's a diversity play?
No.
I like that.
And that's a great point.
It's easy to prove merit in UFC, though, because you just have to beat that.
That's true.
You get knocked out, you get knocked out.
Art is tough to say.
Who's good and who's not?
I'm just, I don't know.
Like, it like bums me out a little bit when I have that knee-jerk reaction.
Of course.
Look at Oscars.
You go, oh, no wonder he won.
And that's terrible because this guy could be, or Gal could be an amazing actor or best movie, whatever.
So it's kind of a curse you put on him.
I think it's, sorry to interrupt, but I think it's the celebration of it.
I think you can actually push it, but don't try to be like, we need these voices or whatever.
We're doing this because we want to amplify these voices because then it almost undercuts the achievement when you can make these amazing, profound movies that we all fucking love and enjoy.
Yes.
And they can feature diversity as they should because we find that interesting.
You know what I mean?
Like I was watching Blade as a kid, not because it was a black vampire.
I was like, that's the Daywalker.
I didn't give a fuck what he was.
So I wonder if like the overcorrection actually hurts the influence of it.
You know what I mean?
Of course, I completely agree.
What were you saying?
Yeah, I also think there's a thing where you don't really, you put them a bunch of different faces on the show, but they don't tell their stories.
Like Top Gun, I'm not even knocking the movie.
There's two black guys.
Their stories are basically useless.
Like they do nothing.
Do you can you tell who did what?
I know Jay Ellis because I know Insecure.
So I knew one of the guys because he played Lawrence and Insecure.
But I also like my wife was asking me, she was like, yo, so there was really just...
I didn't know that was Lawrence from Insecure, dog.
Oh, yeah, I knew that.
You don't watch Insecure.
Say what?
You don't watch Insecure.
Says who, bro.
You don't watch Insecurity.
Who, dude?
Who makes it?
It was fucked up.
Issa Ray.
Come on, dude.
I know all about it.
It was fucked up how she cheated on Lawrence, like that Lawrence Hive.
Come on, okay, okay.
Come on, you know who you learned this from?
Charlamagne's Instagram.
Fuck up, bro.
Come on.
Who's she dating now?
Who's who?
Who's she dating now?
Who?
Issa Ray?
Yeah.
That Jacob.
Jacob the Jeweler.
Jacob the Jeweler, bro.
No, but you were saying.
So my wife is watching Friends with me and she's like, so there are really just like no black people on this show.
And I was like, yeah, but in the 90s, it was like there was white shows and black shows.
They didn't force everyone on one show and then just tell the white guy's story.
You had friends, but you also had at the same time on Fox, Martin.
Same time spot.
You had Fresh Prince.
You had Living Single.
So you had black shows, they told black stories.
You had white shows where they told white stories.
Which was kind of reflective of the time.
Like we want to act like it wasn't, but like, yeah, in New York, we had groups that would intermingle, but that's New York.
Right.
This is not, we're not the example of the world.
This is not what's happening in most like suburban towns or the people that are watching this.
So, yeah, I don't know if it's necessarily racist to have like an all-black show.
That's what life was like for those people.
It's reflected.
Did you ever feel watching Martin?
You're like, you know what?
There's not enough diversity in this show.
There's no Asian.
I also, as a minority, I would rather you let me tell my story than put me on the show as like some, like, we're just, it's just, I'm there as a mascot.
But that's the thing that they don't think that people are going to watch it.
And now I think they're coming around to it a little bit more.
And now there's more support.
But initially, the concern was, yo, make Matt Damon the Indian because nobody's going to watch if the Indian is Indian.
Yeah.
So, and I get that when it comes to the person who's cutting the check, because if I'm giving you $20 million for something and I could have random Indian guy or Matt Damon paint that motherfucker up, bro, like it's 20 million on the line.
Like, what would you do?
No, I'm going to get an India guy.
But that's going to bluff.
What if you get a Bollywood guy?
You can get the biggest Bollywood biggest Indian guy because Indian people wouldn't know that person.
That's a good point.
But is that enough?
But you're not going to have people knowing.
But again, I think we've proven, look at Squid Game.
Yeah.
There's zero diversity.
It's all Korean.
Think of India.
There's one Indian guy.
Pakistani gay, he's noble.
It's almost like.
Yeah.
So it's like their version of it.
He's the only noble person throughout the entire show.
You know what's Pakistani?
You know what's wild to me?
Like to this day, I don't understand when people are bilingual and English isn't the second language.
Like, you know what I'm saying?
Like, I went into.
Dead ass.
You're like, yeah, but you know three languages.
Yeah.
Like, what do you mean?
Bypass English?
Like, you know, Urdu, and there used to be Korean.
Urdu and an Asian language and no English is wild.
When I was in, I lived in Spain, bro, and I would go to this bodega and I'd walk in and it was Asians running a bodega.
And I just walked in and I just started speaking English.
Yeah.
Because I'm like, well, you're fucking Asian, bro.
Like, you know English.
And you're in this country.
It don't matter what country.
Like, every Asians come with the operating system.
This English and Asian.
That's like an iPhone.
You can pick the language.
Bro, and they were busting that.
It was just Spanish and then they were Chinese and it was just Spanish and Chinese.
And it was like a moment where I had to readjust.
And the same thing happened with School Camp.
What does that mean?
Interesting.
I'm like positive racist.
Like, I assume you're bilingual.
Yes.
But with my shit.
Right.
So I'm saying you're smart.
Yeah, you're smart.
But I'm also selfish.
But be able to talk to me.
Right.
Like, when the Foxtile dude was speaking Korean in the thing, I was like, this is the smartest guy I've ever seen in my life.
Like, I've never seen anybody smart fox guy, right?
Like, how the fuck does he speak all these goddamn languages?
It's true.
And he can't hold a job.
Right.
But yeah, the squid game shit.
That's what the squid game shit tells me and like a lot of these other movies tells me is that like whoever's ahead of scripted at Netflix needs to get fired and never hired again.
Because if the biggest shows are coming from not you, the million dollar acquisition or whatever you throw at the squid game thing in Korea, like that's the bottom of the barrel.
If we're if the biggest show in America is a Korean show, that's a problem.
Agreed.
They're spending hundreds of millions of dollars making The Witcher.
Who at Netflix do you want to keep?
I know that thing.
Who at Netflix do you want to keep?
Whoever does documentaries, because that shit is absolutely fucking amazing.
Whoever does reality, that shit is absolutely crime.
They do well.
True crime.
Selling Sunset.
Did you watch that?
I love it.
I jerked up to that.
Whoever's ahead of that department that's doing reality, which is, I guess, you would consider like Selling Sunset or the Autistic Day.
That's a big show.
They are murdering.
What are they doing?
They're murdering.
It's a cake.
It's a cake.
That's when I was like, this is getting bad.
But they're trying to do British bagels.
That's a TikTok trend.
Oh, is that right?
Okay.
Yeah, the cake shit.
What's up, everybody?
Welcome to Flagrant.
Today we have an amazing guest.
It's a long time coming.
This guy's absolutely hilarious.
You all know him.
You all love him.
If you don't love him already, you most likely will, over the next hour, develop some affection for him.
He is the great, the hilarious Mark Norman, everybody.
Mark.
True Crime Documentaries00:08:38
What's up?
Hey.
All right.
What's up, man?
What's up, guys?
Wow, look at this.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, beautiful place together.
Hey, good diversity.
We got an Indian, a black, a trans.
We got Kevin Hart.
Hey, all right.
You got to be close.
Everybody's bi now.
Doesn't it seem like that?
Yeah.
Every single human being is bi.
No.
I got gag in the name.
Yes, exactly.
But yeah, good to be here.
This is a beautiful place.
Thank you, man.
Thanks for having me.
We appreciate you coming on, dude.
It took too long.
Oh, hey, you got a big guy.
I mean, you're slumbing after Rogue.
You're number two.
I'll take it.
Not bad.
No fanny pack and no N-word scandal.
That we know of yes.
That's true.
That's true.
We might start on this show.
We might start right now.
Speaking of which, Al, would you like to bring up the video?
Oh, I'm just joking.
I mean, look, we all grew up in the 90s.
Norman things happen.
Yeah, Al, you were nervous as fuck.
Dog, I got to pretend to like him now.
I had a biggie record, you know.
We all sang along.
Different times.
Norman, I was doing some research on you because I'm like, all right, I've known Norman for fucking years.
We've probably known each other for like 10 years, maybe.
Yeah.
Jumping around.
I didn't realize what a degenerate you were.
I had no clue.
I'm a fun-loving guy.
No, no, no.
You're fun-loving and you're a guy.
Yeah.
But you have these insane.
I'm stumbling across this YouTube video where you're talking about having sex with this homeless girl.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's quite a thing.
How?
Wow.
She didn't tell me she was homeless till far in.
Okay.
But basically, you know, singled guy.
Break down the story.
Lovely lady.
And I took her.
I was broke.
I was an open micer in New York.
This is years and years ago.
And I took her to this bar called Alligator Lounge where you get a free pizza with every drink.
Just at Williamsburg?
Yeah.
Yeah, there's one on House.
No, 14th.
Okay.
Yeah, Crocodile Lounge.
There's two.
And I didn't have any money, so I was like, I'll get her a drink and a pizza.
And she wolfed that fucking pizza down.
Like, you wouldn't believe.
She was pounding booze.
I mean, she must have eaten three pizzas.
We jump in a cab and she tells the cabby where to go.
We're making out in the cab.
She smelled terrible.
And we go all the way out to way out Brooklyn.
We get to some giant building and it's like a government building.
And she snuck me in and I could hear women crying and there was shit everywhere and babies screaming and that's when I got hard.
Yeah.
So she was staying basically in a woman's shelter.
She was a drug addict and a whole thing and it was great.
It was great like hobo boxcar sex.
So you had sex in the woman's shelter.
Yes.
Were you even allowed in the women's shelter?
No, no, no way.
But I had to pee at one point.
She was like, you can't go out there.
They'll kill you.
You know, you go out there.
You're not allowed to be here.
So I had to sneak into the women's bathroom and then women are coming in and like brushing their teeth and shit.
So I had to like tuck my feet up, you know, on the stall.
And it was brutal.
But I got out of there.
And, you know, she's dead.
Yeah.
How did you sneak in in the first place?
Well, she got me in.
She got me in.
She knew the guy at the gate and she put makeup on me.
That was the whole thing.
I forgot about that.
Yeah.
What?
Yeah.
Is that true?
Yeah, yeah.
It's all the story.
These women were so beaten and battered.
They're not going to question me.
Yeah.
So she amber herded me up and put some makeup on me and I got in there.
Yeah.
That's the most insulting part of this whole thing.
What?
That you asked for a chick.
Yeah.
A battered chick.
You can't really, you know, you can't question that shit anymore.
Yeah.
This is before all that.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
They didn't.
Oh, that's right.
Now you can sneak into a woman's shelter, no problem.
Yeah.
Oh, you can sneak into the Olympics.
I don't know that.
That's the breaking story.
No, what?
Leah Thomas is now going to the Olympics.
No.
Wow.
Oh, I thought we were talking about the cheerleader.
Cheerleader?
Yeah, the cheerleader.
There's a Carolina Panther.
Yeah, the Carolina Panthers cheerleader is trans.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, that's exciting.
Have you ever done anything with a trans?
No, I'm not against it.
Actually, I got blown in Mexico by, I believe, I believe a man.
I don't ask questions.
Did you sneak him into the shelter?
No, no.
Me and my friends went to Tijuana, as you do.
We were like 18.
And they were all getting whores.
And I was like, I don't want to do that.
That feels weird.
Mexican whore.
You don't know what's what.
And eventually I was like, you know what?
Fuck it.
And I went to this bar and I got blown.
And I remember the guy had rock hard tits and I touched his hair and he was like, don't do that because it would move.
And I was like, okay.
And then I walked out and I was feeling pretty good.
And my friends were all standing outside.
Like, you didn't go in that bar, did you?
Like, yeah.
And they're like all busted out laughing.
So it was a quiet, quiet drive home.
Yeah.
So you definitely got blown by a trans woman.
Yeah, I think it was just a dude in a wig.
In a wig, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
So not even trying.
Yeah, but amazing BJ.
I mean, they know the equipment.
Yeah.
It was unbelievable.
I had a condom on.
Is it better?
You had a cockamamo.
Oh, yeah.
Way better.
Way better.
She knew what to do and all that.
It was amazing.
Everybody is by.
You should be able to say all the jokes then if you've been there.
Good point.
For real.
I'll take it.
N-word?
I fucked a couple of, you know.
Black guys?
Black ladies.
Very intimidating.
I know you like the white gal, the white, the white coos.
Okay.
Yeah, the black gals.
You've been with a few.
Nah.
Not yet.
Not yet.
Hopefully.
Okay.
Did they're intimidating?
Why were they intimidating?
Well, you just assume the Lakers have been in there and, you know, just all the giant, giant men.
Tough follow-ups.
Yes, exactly.
Exactly.
I'm not on a tiny penis.
I'm not saying I'm small, but I'm not huge.
You're not LeBron.
Yeah, I'm no LeBron.
I'm more Curry.
I'm fucksy Bogues.
But I got good veinage from all veins.
That's what girls like, for sure.
You think?
Nope.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, so it's tough to follow the black chicks.
Now, I did.
This is another thing that I was looking up.
Lost your virginity.
Yes.
Prostitute.
Didn't charge me.
Oh, that's nice.
But I think clearly a prostitute.
She had a thing for younger dudes.
I was 16.
Apparently, I'm a survivor, which I didn't know until somebody pointed that out.
But she was probably 55.
Looked like Jennifer Aniston after a fist fight.
I mean, she was weathered.
Right.
She'd seen some winters and just had a great night.
It was crazy.
It was the night before the millennium.
So it was New Year's Eve Eve.
So Y2K was buzzing.
And me and my friends were on Bourbon Street from New Orleans, and we're walking around.
And this lady is flashing everybody, leather jacket, no shirt on.
And this is pre-internet porn.
So it's like, all right, we're just going to post up here for about three hours.
And, you know, you're drinking, whatever.
And she eventually caught wind of us and she was like, you guys want to come up?
And we're like, ah!
And we couldn't get in the hotel.
We weren't guests.
So she came down and my friend goes, she was like, you guys want to throw some beads?
Very mom-like.
And I was like, ah, fuck this.
My friend's like elbowing me.
Just say something.
And I go, look, I don't want to go in a 2000 a virgin.
And she goes, well, I won't let you.
And that was it.
She brought us upstairs, swung her hotel door open.
There was an old guy with a white beard and a Harley Davidson hat on sitting at the door staring at the door.
And he goes, Which one is it?
She goes, him.
And he took my other friends on the balcony.
Crazy.
So you and her in the room?
Me and her in the room.
And I was freaking out.
You know, I'm 16.
I'm wearing a leather jacket, a sweater, a button down.
And she goes, why don't you get comfortable?
I took off the jacket and she goes, how do you want to do this?
And I go, well, I'll take a blowjob first.
Yeah, you know, cocky kid going for it, swinging for the fences.
And she goes, I don't give blowjobs.
And I said, you fuck kids off the street?
What do you blow your life?
And yeah, you know, just two hours later, it was just crazy.
She talked me through it.
It was super hot.
Two hours you were in there?
Stand Up On A Network00:13:36
Oh, yeah.
I was, you know, I was a champ.
What were you doing?
I was 16.
Well, you know, you can get it right back up.
Oh, so it was multiple rounds.
Multiple rounds.
Condom.
Oh, yeah.
Kissing?
Yeah, barely.
She had the worst breath I've ever smelt in my life.
And I've been with a homeless.
I think you had sex with a second homeless person.
Yeah.
Sorry, what's that?
I think you had sex with a second homeless person.
Yeah, you might be right.
They looked a little rough.
If you're a battered woman, you love Mark Norman.
That's it.
They had a biker vibe for sure.
But it was a wild, wild romp.
This was in New Orleans.
Yeah, I was the king of high school for like two months after that.
Yeah, Valiers.
I love New Orleans.
We were talking about this.
We were talking about this outside, but like I think that the Netflix comedy festival should have been in New Orleans.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know if I agree.
Okay.
There's only 300,000 people there.
The audio dropped when I was asking you about New Orleans, but then we got into a far more interesting conversation, which is comedy specials where we're putting them out.
Is there you've had immense success online?
10 million views.
How many views crush it on YouTube?
10.1 yesterday.
Hey!
There you go.
How do you do that?
Okay.
Now, there are some of our colleagues are putting shit up.
They're still doing Netflix.
You did a Netflix one after doing YouTube and having a half.
I did a Netflix one after having success on YouTube.
Yes.
Trashing Netflix.
After trashing Netflix.
Which, why did you do it?
I did it because I felt like the YouTube is cooking.
It's still going up.
And I feel like I got the YouTube people.
And I said, let me just see what this Netflix thing is all about.
It's only a half hour.
It's like my pandemic material.
And let me just see if there is a bigger bump or a different bump.
Maybe I'm getting a new audience.
It's only a half hour.
If it goes well, I'll go all the way with them.
If it doesn't, I'll go back to YouTube.
And it went as well as it could go, I think, but I don't know.
I like YouTube.
I like owning it.
I like controlling it.
So I'll probably be back to YouTube.
It feels like that's the future.
And who knows where Netflix will be?
Dead in five years.
I think.
Yeah.
Do you think?
I don't know about dead, but it's just like it's just a tricky.
It's a tricky day.
Yep.
I mean, I said dead before.
That's what I said.
That's the only reason I'm.
I don't know.
I was trying to go by being crazy.
I don't know who would ever say dead.
Why are you saying dead?
No, no.
It's like Artie Lang.
It won't die.
No matter what.
Keep stabbing it.
I don't see why.
I think Netflix will exist for institutional fame.
So like, if, for example, like, if I was on SNL, I would definitely do a Netflix special.
Or if I was like a famous person like from movies that wanted to get back, if I'm like, Roseanne might be interesting, but like if I'm somebody who doesn't have a podcast and doesn't have communal fame, in other words, like people built a community, they don't necessarily need the institution.
If you have your fans that fuck with you, Burt Kreiser or Thomson Grove do not need to do Netflix specials.
Yes.
And I think that people who need the institution are people who don't have a platform to develop like direct connection because they can't go, hey, you want to come rock with my special?
People might go, I love you, but I don't know if you do that thing.
Yeah.
And that's what's happening right now with fame is like Miles Teller and Top Gun is way more famous than me.
But Miles Teller and Top Gun is more famous than Tyler the Creator.
Okay.
Tyler the Creator can sell way more merch.
Because it's not fame, it's connectivity and community.
Right.
So I think the people that actually have like community and connectivity, I think they will go a different route with it.
I think they'll go YouTube.
And I think there's one more, I think there's one more level to that.
Oh, yeah.
That I was kind of talking to you about before, but I will hold off on that for a few weeks.
Well, Netflix feels kind of like the Oscars, where it used to mean a lot more.
And now we're like, the Oscars is on?
Oh, shit, I even know about that.
You know, if Will Smith didn't slap a guy, would we be talking about it at all?
I don't think so.
Isn't it crazy how fast it happened, though?
Yeah.
Three, four years ago, it was like, yo, Netflix is all you want.
That's everything.
Crazy.
And now every comic is straight to YouTube.
Because we saw people that went on Netflix and they blew the fuck up right afterwards.
Yeah.
So it's like, I would like to blow the fuck up.
It wasn't like we just love Netflix.
We like blowing the fuck up.
And I think what happened now is like, I even, listen, we did Netflix for a specific reason, which was we thought that we needed like the blue check.
You know what I mean?
Because boomers still organize the world in terms of like brands and shit.
Like old people go, whoa, are you on Netflix?
Are you on HBO?
Like, what is your thing?
Yes.
Whereas like young people, they don't even know what the fuck is on Netflix.
Young people are watching YouTube.
They don't care.
Like, you're validated by the creativity that you have, not the brand that's putting out the creativity.
Yeah, which I love.
It's great for us because we created it.
It's great for us.
Exactly.
100%.
So I'm very curious to see what happens.
But I think if you have a community, you might be able to, yeah, yeah.
I think you'll be able to do something.
You're Comedy Central.
To give my left tit to be on Comedy Central six years ago, seven years ago.
And then HBO too.
HBO was the spot.
It was huge, it was like the most prestigious comedy, George Carlin, Chris Rock, all that.
And now HBO, i'm like I don't know.
People are going to that for, not for comedy, but for scripted.
They're undefeated, they're the best, they're the best question of the art or whatever.
And then Netflix hired all the Comedy Central people.
That's right.
And now Netflix is interesting.
I'm just saying because basically what happens is like with with Comedy Central is like I mean, you know, technology change, they didn't change with it.
But like you lose confidence, like I think right now what's happening with Netflix is people are losing confidence in Netflix's suggestions, uh-huh.
And once I lose confidence in what you suggest me, you have no power to push content to me right right, but Youtube worries me because sometimes they get a little choosy with like well, we can, we don't, we don't agree with this belief or this ideology, so we'll just pull that 100 and that scares the shit out of me.
Yep yep, that's what sucks we're still.
We act like we're these renegades and these independent queefs, but we're actually very in need of these, these platforms 100.
We need them absolutely and we and we should play by the rules.
What'd you say?
We're always gonna be slaved to something?
Yeah, I guess so, but it's like it's just on your own site.
That's the thing, like Louis' Model.
But even with then, they could come for the credit card.
You know, machines like there's always a way to get you if you want to.
If they don't want to support you, they can get you out of here, right.
Like there's to unplug completely.
You got to be so rich and that's what all those Russian billionaires thought they're like nobody could touch me.
And then we go to war and everybody's like, we'll take your yacht.
Yeah, like imagine you just had a yacht in the water and then somebody was like well, that's our yacht now right, and you just had to take that right.
So it's like there's no like true independence.
I guess it's like what allows me to put out the content I want to put out and I love Louis' Model.
I do too.
I think the future is a combination.
I think that.
I think it's.
I think you sell it on your own and then you put it out later on youtube at some date.
I think that's what we will eventually do, and once you can make more money doing that, nobody will ever do a special with a network again.
Because why would you?
Why would you right now with with all Netflix or HBO or these places?
Like you got to pay me more for the people that won't see it.
Yes exactly, it used to be.
You pay me nothing because everybody's gonna see it, right.
But now that we know that less people see it, I gotta get more for each of those people that won't.
Totally, they can't afford that.
Because once you've tasted the road money, you're like oh yes exactly, but you ever, you ever shot.
I shot a game show like two weeks ago.
It's so archaic, you know.
Like you gotta wait uh, how's it going back there, the crew and all this.
And then, like there's all these union rules where you gotta like oh, you gotta sit down for 20 minutes or else you can get, you can sue us.
And you're like, what are we doing?
We could have knocked this out in 20 minutes with an iphone yeah, but we got the crew and we got unions and we got grips and gaffers.
It's so behind the, they got a crowd there.
They're like, please stay, we need you, and they're doing the warm-up bullshit with the clapping.
Ah yeah, stinks.
We could just made this in 20 minutes.
What game show?
I'm scared to say.
It was called to catch a predator.
No, An awesome game show.
A way better game show.
No, it was just something.
I was in London shooting a game show, and it was cheesy.
It was kind of like an at-midnight thing.
They make you as little funny as you can be.
Anything funny about you, they take away.
You know, you make like a side joke, like, don't say that.
That's off color.
And you're like, but that's me.
That's what's funny.
Is that an issue?
You done stand up on a network, having the material out of your own hands a little bit.
Yeah, that sucks.
That was an issue.
Yeah, I mean, I've done this night show four times, and I had to fight to get boner on.
I had to fight to get the word piss.
Piss is so much funnier than P.
Yeah.
You know, and they were like, I don't know, man, piss.
And I'm like, what are we doing here?
Yeah.
We're adults.
Yeah.
You know, it's crazy, but that's.
You did a Comedy Central half hour too, right?
I did, yeah.
You've done everything.
I did it all, and none of it mattered.
Yeah, except YouTube.
When was the moment you realized this is going to be different than everything else?
With YouTube, you mean?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, here's what got me, actually.
Good question there, Hassan.
This is what got me.
I just learned it's Hassan, by the way.
Nobody told me.
But neither here nor there.
But good question.
I've done 12 late nights, Conan, all this shit.
None of it mattered.
That's not true, but we'll go on that.
We'll go on that in a second.
Some of it, it's fun.
It's traditional.
It's a tightrope.
Oh, I got to kill this for five minutes.
I can't flub, whatever.
People are watching me.
I did a fucking morning show at Cleveland, Cleveland Morning Show, eight in the morning.
I'm hungover.
That popped, and that did more for me than any late night.
I saw that.
See?
I saw that recently because I bombed on local news and I wanted to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You were so funny.
And then that reminded me of a clip you have with Burt Kreiser where you called Burt Kreiser's wife a whore.
Yeah, and it's shank.
And I'm like, yo, how the fuck did this kid get away with this?
Well, it'll come back to bite me.
Don't get me wrong.
It's coming.
Don't worry.
Yeah, there's a clip of her saying she thought it was so funny.
She's the coolest.
I only did it because I knew how cool she was.
I would say that to Hillary Clinton or something.
I knew what I was up against.
But yeah, yeah, that shit popped off and that got shared and retweeted and all that shit.
And it just goes to show the internet just, they want authentic, they want real shit.
Yeah, they want real.
So that was a big wake-up call.
There's a, it's like, I was talking to Chrissy D the other day, and, you know, we were talking about his special and like what he was going to put out.
And I was like, what is your 9-11 story from your special?
That went viral.
And that's, I don't know, that's always been my strategy.
It's like, how many different versions of that can I put out?
And how many different communities can I tap?
Yeah.
So it's like with you who's the morning show.
But here's the thing.
And I always tell people, like, go, they're going to go on like Rogan.
They're like, oh, I have my YouTube special.
I'm going to go on Rogan.
People are going to watch it.
And it's like, when I went on Rogan and I had the YouTube special, I already had like 50 clips on the internet.
Oh, yeah, that's what helps.
You want one to hit and then everybody consumes everything else.
So your late nights, as useless as they were for the people who saw it, got the clips crushed.
Yes.
So now they watch your one thing and they go, oh my God, this guy's really funny.
Right.
Oh, this is another access point to Mark Norman's.
And it's like, how many of those can you have?
Right.
And whoever has the most, like, Burt Kreiser's was the machine, and now a million different other things.
And if you really look at the people selling tickets, which is all we give a fuck about, and anybody who knows watching this podcast knows that.
Anybody who is selling tickets right now that is not named Dave Chappelle, it's through YouTube content.
Yeah, unless you're like an older Bill Burr type.
Even Bill Burr, what is the first thing that popped for Bill Burr?
Think about it.
Think about it.
And where was that?
Was that on Netflix?
Was that on HBO?
That was a motherfucking YouTube.
There you go.
I'm just saying, like, there's exceptions, but you're, I think, for the most.
Give me the exception.
Allie Wong was a no name, and then she did Netflix when Netflix was Netflix.
You're right.
You're right.
Husson, you're right.
You're right.
Now they're also serving niche communities that are underserved in stand-up.
True, true.
The Asians.
Like, Allie, also, Allie's so goddamn fucking mom.
So funny.
And a lot of people think it's only Asians, it's moms.
Like, Allie came out there.
Then, like, every one of my boys' wife, like, Charlamagne's wife was like, this is the funniest woman I've ever met.
We had just started dating.
My wife now laughed so hard at Allie Wong's special, I was like, yo, shut the fuck up.
Put that on her.
You're like, you know, she got that aborted.
But yeah, that's it.
Like, that's when I, when I kind of look at it and I go, wow, it's, I go, it's not even a question.
It's not even a debate.
Like, when I'm talking to somebody about it, it's not whether you should do this or this.
It's how much are they going to pay you to do the thing that hurts you?
Right?
Like, I took, we took, we did the, when we did the Netflix thing, it was literally like, we're going to lose relevance and lose money, but this check mark will help get the mayor on.
Crypto Discount Promo00:04:15
Right.
Because these motherfuckers care.
I don't care.
You need a resume.
Exactly.
When Dove goes, oh, yeah, the Netflix special, they go, oh, he must be a real human being.
If he's the YouTube guy, they just go, oh, everybody can throw anything on YouTube.
Right.
For the older, for the older folks, which helped build the whole thing.
Exactly.
It's part of why I did Netflix.
Part of why you do these Conan's these night shows because you can call a club and go validate this.
Exactly.
But you know what validates you now is when that bitch is sold out.
Right.
Now they don't ask how many late nights you did.
You got that right.
Right?
Nobody cares.
Rogan also validated because I, before I was taking whatever gig I could get.
And then the second Rogan, and then I guess bring back a poo is back to back.
But then my agent was like, yo, we have a lot of offers coming in.
We need to sit down and have like a meeting about this.
So I think it is, Rogan is just a kingmaker.
And then if you have any YouTube stuff that hits, it's like, all right, well, this guy can sell tickets.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's all that matters.
So he's become an institution in and of himself.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's the wild thing is like that's the value in like trust.
You know what I mean?
Like if you trust a guy to tell you about like what works health-wise, you'll trust him with comedy.
Like if I'm trusting you with what I'm ingesting in my body and how I'm going to work out, and if he goes, nah, this guy's a really, he's a good comic.
He's pure.
It's very few people that Rogan has given like the stamp, stamp of approval that have amounted to nothing.
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Therapy And Subtitles00:04:19
Do you subscribe to this like you need to be fucked up to be a comic theory?
I don't only because there's so many fucked up people that are not funny at all.
I grew up with the fucking scariest mooks on the planet.
They're all firemen now.
Yeah.
You know, and these guys are all twisted.
They're on all kinds of pills, all kinds of meds.
They cry all the time.
You know, they beat people up at bars, but they're not funny.
Yeah.
You know?
So I think we're all just fucked up.
You're a big therapy guy.
You think you're funnier before therapy, after therapy?
You think it made a difference?
I think it helped.
Yeah.
I think it makes you funnier because you can kind of set the bullshit aside and focus more on the act.
Because with therapy, your emotions, it's like garbage.
It piles up.
And therapy gets that garbage out.
So when you're writing, you're not thinking, oh, my dad, my dad.
You know, you can focus more.
Right.
Yeah.
I had some shit with my dad.
But yeah.
Is therapy helping you find bits?
Oh, yeah.
Working through shit with the therapist?
You're like, write that down.
Definitely.
Definitely.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I got a whole therapy chunk.
Oh, really?
Yeah, yeah.
That's specifically about therapy.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I feel like it just helps me organize my thoughts and like be honest with my reasoning.
Because I can find a rationale for anything.
Exactly, exactly.
But someone else is going, no, this is the real reason why.
And I have to accept that.
And often that reason's funnier.
I'm just embarrassed of being like that vulnerable.
Yeah.
Right.
Like, I don't want to admit I'm insecure about this thing.
But then I actually talk it out.
I'm like, oh, it's kind of funny that I'm insecure about this thing.
And then boom.
So it's like, I kind of, do I have to credit them?
Yeah.
Nah.
Do we have to credit them?
No, no.
Fuck that.
I think it helped me add dimensions to my jokes.
Whereas before you're just coming from this point of view, but then you're like looking at all the other points.
It's just three, every joke becomes more three-dimensional.
I agree.
Male therapist or female therapist?
I got an old Jew, which I think is, that's, it's answered the question, by the way.
Like, old male.
Sorry.
Old Jewish guy.
But that's like the goat.
You know, it's like, people on NBA.
Did anyone think woman, though?
Yeah.
I think old Jews are only men.
Jews is a male term.
Yeah.
I don't know if I'd call a woman a Jew.
I would.
Would you?
I'd get her out of my neighborhood.
You think you ain't a Jew.
Or if you're dirty talking, maybe.
You still go to that therapist that all the comics go to?
Yeah.
Oh, did you go?
That's fucking weird, yo.
No, that's weird.
That's weird.
Yo, that's the most vulnerable thing in the world is coming out of the therapist's office.
Imagine you're looking at fucking Gary Goldman.
Damn.
I mean, Bobby Kelly's like, you took too long.
What the fuck?
I just got out of here, you know, talking about my dad, and he's yelling at me in the hallway.
Do you ever hear them dying laughing before you?
And you're like, oh, boy.
Yes.
Yes.
Wait, really?
Definitely.
Sometimes you hear Alan.
Alan, I just gave it the same way.
But he's like, and it's awkward.
And you're sitting there.
It's like a green room.
I'm sitting there with Vecky Owen.
Like, oh, I thought I was on next.
He's like, no, I'm next.
I'm like, oh, shit.
Have you asked him?
Chris Rock bumps you?
Yeah.
He's got some trauma to work through, actually, Chris Rack.
Well, the reason we all go is because, A, if you're shitting on your friends, you're like, my friend does this.
It fucking drives me.
He knows who you're talking about.
So that kind of helps.
And two, if you go, I got a Netflix half hour, he knows what you mean.
You know, he knows about opener, feature, middle act, headliner.
Like, you don't have to extra explain.
Yeah.
So that part's good.
I don't think it takes that long to explain what Netflix is.
Five minutes?
Maybe he knows about handdowns, managers.
He gets it.
I don't know.
Subtitles.
He knows about subtitles.
Captions.
Yeah, yeah.
He even knows about clips.
That's pretty good.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my captions guy.
It's such a pain in the ass.
I don't get it.
He's on it, this guy.
Just be honest, you didn't want to look for it.
I'm just saying what it is.
How do you look for a therapist?
I'm trying to look for a therapist.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
And I don't know what the craft is.
I'll connect you to a guy that will connect you to this.
I don't know if I want a guy.
I'm just going to do the same thing again.
I don't know if I want to get.
I'm not going to tell him you want a girl.
I'm saying he's going to be the starting point.
I'm not going to connect you to my guy because I go to my guy.
Why can I go to your guy?
Go Craigslist.
I don't want you to go to Mark.
That'll work.
I want Mark to go to your guy.
My guy is my guy.
He knows my guy.
He knows who you are.
He knows everything about this.
I'm not going to do all that.
Asking For Forgiveness00:15:13
I'm not going to do it.
You don't want him going into that because I'm probably complaining about you.
And then you come in, you show up late.
He's like, he does.
The guy doesn't fucking show up.
And then maybe he can help you and be like, yeah, you know, maybe he's busy.
And then it'll even out.
I think we all need to go to the same one.
No, we're not going to do another movie.
That's the serious idea.
I wonder if they brand themselves like that.
Like, I wonder if they're not going to do it.
Dude, he's like newspaper clippings of Jerry Lewis.
So he's the comedy guy.
He's the guy.
For years.
Yeah, but why would you keep, look how fucked up every comic is.
But no, we're not even close to people who need therapy.
That's the thing.
Like, our fucked upness, like, it's really that valuable.
You need therapy.
We are highly public.
No, there are people out there who are like dealing with real traumatic, horrible shit, abusive fucking relationships.
Like these, like bad things.
Yes.
What are we really dealing with?
Like, oh, I didn't get booked this week.
It's mostly childhood shit.
It is.
Grow up.
Grow up.
Get over it.
Bro, why does childhood shit not stick in the 50s or something like that?
Is this a new fucking thing?
Everyone's traumatized.
Everyone's fucked up.
But if you look at that old shit, these guys from the 50s, they died when they were like 61.
They just dropped dead.
They all got heart shit.
They bottle.
It's all bottled.
Yeah.
We're getting it out.
We're going to live long.
Yeah.
I don't know if that's what it's modern technology that's making us live long.
I don't think it's because my dad didn't love us.
Like the day your dad was hunting Buffalo all fucking day.
You didn't have a relationship with your dad.
The brain, the emotion.
You have no idea how this is everything.
I think it's comparative.
I think it's like you see someone who has a deep relationship with their dad more often now and you're like, eh, I wish I had that.
But if every one of your friends' dad died in World War II, you guys wouldn't be fucking going, oh, I have it so bad.
Sure.
I think they're all fucked up.
You don't think?
Yeah.
No, I don't.
I think everybody was fucked up.
They just didn't deal with it.
Yes.
That's it.
That's all it was.
There was no deal in the generation.
They're like, yeah, we don't talk about our feelings.
I figured it out, bro.
Everybody's happy in the 50s, bro.
This is what is shit, right?
That's what she means.
Right now, you guys are hanging the freaking design in your own place.
You know what I'm saying?
In your own communities, it was great.
Separate, but also equal.
Yeah, but what is it?
You know, when was Tulsa?
When was the bombing or whatever it was?
Was that Black Wall Street?
You died?
Yes.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that was great.
That was 40.
That was the 30s?
I think so.
I think it was a while ago.
Al, when was Black Wall Street?
I don't remember.
I just remember.
1921.
He blocked out a 20.
Because he blocked out the trauma.
That's why.
Generational, bro.
Yeah.
You're going to love this.
There's some people that say you carry on trauma from your ancestors.
Man, get up.
Oh, that's crazy.
That I don't love.
People that say, like, Jews.
Thank you.
Good point.
That's not because they be nagging the fuck out of you generation to generation.
So it's passed down through you guys.
It's passed down through your mom and your dad.
Is that you can be adopted and still carry that same trauma?
Most people are idiots.
That's crazy.
They need to have their skills.
You get reborn into somebody else.
I can have my own life.
I got my own trauma.
I can't have your trauma.
I got my own trauma from my past life.
What about the elephant with eight arms?
Yeah, exactly.
You don't got no trauma.
That's God.
That's God.
Yeah, that's what God does.
You don't think God has trauma?
No, dude.
What do you think?
God is super therapized.
He sees all the rape and pedophilia.
Yeah.
He understands.
He might have created it.
I'm just saying.
He knows what's going on.
He accepts it.
At bare minimum, he accepts it.
And yours forgives it.
Yeah.
Yours forgives.
If you ask for forgiveness.
Wild relationship.
That is.
That's kind of wild.
Wild relationship.
That's kind of wild.
Wild.
How?
You can just rape and diddle kids and just be like, and then be like, my bad, yo.
My bad.
My bad.
You ruined someone's whole rest of their life and generations for my bad.
You go to purgatory.
But where do they go?
They might go to hell because of things they did because you diddled them.
Why are they going to hell?
Because they didn't ask for forgiveness.
It don't feel like there's forgiveness.
They don't ask for forgiveness if you get diddled.
No, they do things like kill somebody because they were diddled or diddle someone else.
Hurt people, hurt people.
Like we were just saying five minutes ago.
Yeah, passed on diddling, bro.
Okay, so they passed on the diddling, but those people didn't ask forgiveness because they didn't know the rules.
They didn't like the digital damage.
No, they didn't do what their trauma they didn't.
Why do you ask forgiveness from the guy who fucked them?
Oh, you think they're asking forgiveness for the guy who fucked them?
They're like, I'm done with this dude.
Now they're in hell.
And you gotta just ask the guy.
You guys are still in business.
You guys locked up years ago.
Exactly.
That is a spin.
That is a good thing.
I'm just saying.
There is molesting.
That's a great point.
Priest molest the kid.
The kid is like, I don't want nothing to do with God.
Then goes up to God and God's like, you didn't say I'm sorry.
Or you didn't say, you know, I forgive you or whatever the fuck it is.
Now you can't get in.
And it wasn't even his fault in the first place.
Why can't the kid go to heaven?
You tell me.
You tell me.
There's no reason the diddle kid can't go to heaven.
The diddle kid doesn't want anything to do with God, so he's not asking for forgiveness.
Then he doesn't go to heaven because he didn't ask forgiveness.
God and all his mercy and powerful knowledge knows that.
Bro, does the book say it?
Do I not have to ask for forgiveness?
Because that's what you're doing.
You've got to ask for forgiveness.
You just said that God's mercy shows me that I don't have to do it.
Yeah.
You spinning.
I'm just going off.
I'm telling you, I just don't care.
I'm just going off.
I'm just going off the rules of the book.
I agree.
I think God doesn't need you to ask for forgiveness.
I think God goes, listen, I saw what that motherfucker did to you.
It's foul what he did to you.
And I'm not going to let him in heaven.
And I'm going to let you in because, you know, you did some fucked up shit.
You might not need that for forgiveness, but if you ask for forgiveness, then you'll be forgiven.
Do you think he looks at you and he's like, you got to ask?
Yeah.
Oh, that's crazy.
You get up there and be like, yo, who is God?
Andrew?
Yeah.
Exactly.
Like, what Aslo do that, bro?
You get up there and be like, you sorry?
And you're like, yeah, I'm sorry.
And then you're good.
And is heaven full of diddled kids?
It must be.
Yeah.
Thanks.
I don't want to hang out with them.
You just said they're great.
Oprah, Tyler Perry.
Do you want to hang out with them?
You want to do business hard?
Blood with moguls.
I guess you're right.
All right.
None of your friends got diddled?
Not that I know of, but who knows?
No comics?
You never heard a Finn Door story at Allen's?
What is that?
Something comes through the door.
You're out there in the waiting room.
Never?
I mean, I feel like comics, if they got diddled, they'd have a bit about it.
Or would they bottle it?
Molesting our ears with that bit.
Yeah.
A lot of that now.
That is another thing.
It's like people think that, yeah, if you talk about the tragic thing, it doesn't have to be as funny.
I hate that.
It has to be more funny.
But the trend, yeah.
It has to be more funny because of how awful it is for everybody.
That's what made Pryor so remarkable.
Exactly.
He made all the funny things.
And it never felt painful when you were listening to him.
He never felt like he was in pain.
He was just like, hey, man, this is what happened.
It's okay.
Let's laugh about it.
I left myself on fire.
I shot my car.
We're dying.
Yeah.
So true.
Yeah, those are funny, though.
But getting raped.
I hate to say it, but getting diddled doesn't, it's not an accomplishment.
It doesn't make you interesting.
Yeah.
You have to make it interesting.
Yeah.
And that's the key.
But I think people go, hey, I got diddled.
Bring out the red carpet.
You're like, well, wait, it's still got to be entertaining.
It's also like I know that he's right though.
At a comedy show.
But the thing is, if you say something tragic, you get silence and attention.
Of course.
Right?
If you bring up your Uber joke, it doesn't automatically get silence and attention.
People might go like, ah, next.
They might even heckle you.
But if you say, listen, when I was six, this thing happened, nobody's going to say anything.
No.
Unless they're the funniest person in the audience.
Yeah, it's true.
And that would absolutely level the room.
Yeah.
When I was six, I was touched.
Say it.
I'm trying to think of a good heckle.
Was he was he desperate?
I mean, he could have done better.
I don't know.
You'd think I heard molested people were funny.
You know, you say something.
But I saw a guy, my friend has this great story of this guy in Ireland.
Somebody was on stage doing a bit like that, not getting any laughs.
And he goes, you're not funny.
You're not likable.
And I've had enough.
He said that in like an Irish brogue, and it was like, oh, that was perfect.
Because they don't fuck around with that over there.
No, no.
In Ireland and UK, they're like, you got to be funny.
Yeah.
Everybody's molested.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a whole priesthood over there.
Stiff upper lip.
Yeah.
Comedy show.
The guy's like, I paid a ticket.
Like, I want to laugh.
That's the uniquely American thing, the trauma comedy.
I think so.
I think so.
Probably not.
I feel like them one-man shows that they do out there, like for the festivals and shit, they might get a little into the trend.
That's true.
Just don't call it comedy.
That's all I'm saying.
Tromedy.
Tromedy.
What's up, everybody?
It's time.
You see the lighting.
You know what it is.
You know what I mean?
Back's about to get broken.
You know what I mean?
All of us just gobbled up a blue chew because we're ready for gate night.
Simple as that.
We're going to give the dangle.
The dangle is going to go out there.
The best hard dick you've ever had in your life.
It's blue chew.
Give your wife what she deserves.
She's putting up with your shit all week.
You don't think she deserves to get her shit split, back broke, kin?
You don't think that?
You don't think that you should go all in on her?
You don't think, push all the chips?
Just take all the chips.
Splash the pot.
Splash the pot.
You don't think that you should do that?
You don't think your wife deserves that?
She's working hard, doing her job, making her money.
You don't think that she deserves the best dick you've ever given to her in your entire fucking life?
She probably does three out of the four walks for your dog a day.
You walk her once.
Get called a bitch.
How are you going to maintain your masculinity?
How are you going to maintain your manhood?
Blue Chew.
Come full-fledged.
Are you Tom Cruise?
Are you?
Are you Top Gun?
Are you Maverick?
You can be for free.
You only got to pay $5 a month.
You only got to pay $5 shipping.
You get it for free, first month free.
You just pay $5 shipping and you get that Cop Gun Maverick delivered right to your doorstep.
Bluechew.com.
Okay.
Make sure you use that promo code Flagrant.
You're going to be delivering G's, 10 G's, vertical climb.
Let's get back to the show.
Also, guys, the Big Disse Energy Tour, the tour that I started before the pandemic, and we were just starting to sell out shows until that fucking COVID ruined everything.
Well, we're going to finish it up.
We're going to pick it back up.
We're in a bunch of fire clubs, bunch of fire cities.
We sold out Austin this weekend.
It was a fucking movie.
Shouts, by the way, to Craig Robinson for coming through and doing a guest set.
It was a fucking great weekend.
Thank you guys, everybody in Austin.
In the meantime, June 16th and 17th, I'm at Zane's in Chicago.
June 18th, I'm going to be at Zane's in Rosemont.
I am adding a pop-up show June 23rd in Dallas, Texas at Hyenas Comedy Club.
And June 24th and 25th, this is already scheduled.
I'm going to be at Hyenas in Fort Worth.
June 26th, I am also doing a one-nighter in Charlotte, North Carolina.
Guys, get your tickets at akashing.com.
We're hitting every city.
We're hitting San Francisco, Vancouver, Minneapolis, Tempe, San Diego, Orlando, Niagara.
We're going to be everywhere.
Go to akashsing.com.
Start buying tickets.
These shows are selling out now, y'all.
You cannot fuck around.
So buy your tickets right now and let's get back to the show.
You think Seinfeld's the best?
I don't think he's the best comic, but I think he's, I think he's Hall of Fame, Hall of Famer, killer, just pro absolutely consummate professional.
Consummate.
I remember what he showed.
Yeah, he was.
And you retweeted that, which I appreciated.
I did.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I support.
I've forgotten I support.
And I don't even like Seinfeld.
Exactly.
That's why it meant a lot.
But yeah, that was huge for me.
And that's something you can show the parents.
Do you and him still talk?
Yeah, we text every now and then, like Norm died.
We talked a little bit about that.
I need these big events to happen, so I have a reason to do that.
Kill some more.
Another death sleep.
Yeah.
Bob Sagitt.
Yes, exactly.
Yeah, my only whatever with him is just like, you know, unsavory interaction.
But you had one?
Yeah, it was just kind of annoying.
Wow, he's a giant megastar.
He can't really be canoodling with everybody.
Here's the thing.
Except Mark.
True.
Here's the thing.
This is what bothers me.
What bothers me about it?
He was basically, I was doing a show at Gotham, and it was like, you know, it was just sold out of shows.
I was really excited.
And like, this is my show.
And they were popping in.
And the club asked me if they could pop in.
Like, of course, they're like, are you fucking kidding me?
This is the best thing ever.
It looks good.
George Wallace was the nicest guy ever.
Walked up, watched your fucking clips.
You were fucking, you're really funny and everything.
I'm like, dude, thank you so much for even being here.
And I walked up with Seinfeld and I was like, I just want to say thank you for coming down.
And he looked at me and then just looked away and walked away.
Wow.
Right?
And then every time.
He's a senior club.
He's all the clubs.
I'm Shefella Clucks.
Sweet guy.
But then I've heard like mixed reviews, mostly not mixed, mostly similar stories.
But one thing that I respect about him is that I don't know if it was from you or somebody told me that like he will dictate, he will make sure that you treat him like a normal person.
Was it you that told me the story like where he goes, now it's time for you to call me to hang out?
No, that wasn't me.
I wish he would do that.
Somebody told me he called somebody.
He's like, hey, let's go get some coffee.
And then a week went by, and then he was like, and he called them.
He was like, hey, listen, I called you last time to go get some coffee.
Now it's time for you to call me to go get coffee.
Oh, wow.
Now, what I respect about that is as you get more famous and successful and powerful, people start acting inauthentically with you.
Yes.
And he is taking an active role in making sure the people that he wants to bond with treat him like a human being.
Yes.
Which is important for your psyche.
And I fucking respect that.
Totally.
He's very conscious of that.
Except when he has to do it to other human beings.
That's the only part that annoys me.
It's like you want that humanity, which you shouldn't fucking admire because most people, it's hard for them to do that.
But you fucking stomach through that interaction so that you can live normally.
But if then there's something uncomfortable for you.
Well, I wonder if, did he know it was your show?
Did he know it was you?
Or did he think you were just an audience member?
I've asked every question.
He was wearing a Seinfeld shirt.
What the hell?
Not there's anything wrong with that.
No, it wasn't at all.
And then it's just kind of like fun to like, I get it.
He'll come on here.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
We got to get Seinfeld on then hashed it out.
Generational Humor Differences00:15:21
That would be amazing.
We got to get Seinfeld on and hashtag it.
You have a reason to text him, buddy.
That's right.
Let's go.
He has never not responded to a text.
I texted him once.
By the way, Chris D's got a funny story about Seinfeld, by the way.
But I texted him once.
Tell it.
All right, I will.
Was it during 9-11?
It was about that.
No.
It was about that story.
All right, I'll tell that one.
The other one sucks.
So Chris D does that 9-11 story.
Amazing story.
Go check it out on YouTube.
Unbelievable.
Not him telling it on Rogan.
Yes.
Yeah.
That's dumb.
Just the original one that's available.
He had like two beers in him.
He was just in the zone.
And he tells his 9-11 story.
It goes viral on YouTube.
Seinfeld sees it and he calls Quinn.
He goes, who the fuck is this guy?
And Quinn's like, oh, that's my buddy.
That's Chris D.
And he goes, give me his number.
Text Chris D. goes, I just saw the thing.
I'm a huge fan.
That was amazing.
Anything you want to do, you want to do work.
You have ideas.
You have some bits.
I want to hear them.
I want to be in the Chris D business.
So Chris D's like, oh my God, this is crazy.
So he starts texting him bits, but they're Chris D bits.
So he's like, Biden's a cuck.
AOC's a cunt.
Fuck the vaccine.
And Seinfeld never wrote back.
Because he's like the biggest liberal on the planet.
Is he really?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
New York Jew liberal guy.
Yeah, for sure.
But New York Jews are mixing it up.
That's true.
That's true.
That's true with Israel.
Yeah.
No, his wife has a big supporter.
I don't know about him.
Wifey.
Really?
Oh, respect.
Get him on the show.
Text him right now.
We sat in a green room for an hour.
I was shitting blood for the first five minutes because it's Seinfeld.
And then he's a car guy.
He's a baseball guy.
And he's a comedy guy.
And he's the most normal dude.
Oh, that makes me happy.
Now I feel bad.
No, no, no, no.
Now I feel bad.
He gave me his number and I was like, I'll never use this.
He goes, use it, use it.
Now I feel bad.
Great guy.
Didn't we always say that?
Seinfeld is dead.
We always said this.
You guys would link up and you would have the best times.
You'd be like, I love this guy.
I really.
I really think that.
There are parts of him that I absolutely appreciate.
And like, even just watching the comedians in cars show, there are parts that you see.
Like, there's not a lot of room for bullshit.
No, he's very direct, very blunt.
And I respect that about Joe, too.
Like, like Rogan, there's just not a lot of room for it.
And I get it.
I imagine you get to a certain point in time, point in like your life and your career where you don't have to tolerate it.
Right.
So it's like, why am I going to do this fake thing that is fake?
Yeah.
Like we had a thing on the podcast with Joe.
We were doing fake conspiracy theories and then he goes, and then he goes, I think we're being bullshit.
And he just called out what we were doing because we felt guilty about doing it.
And I like that.
Oh, yeah.
A lot of people won't do that because they want to be light or whatever it is.
We all have that in us.
I think that's why he's so successful is because people can see that about him.
Like every comic goes, I'm going on Joe's show.
And you go, congrats, but he doesn't laugh.
So buckle up.
But that sucks.
But then you look at the opposite of that, and it's Fallon going, you got socks and sandals.
What are you doing?
You're half gay.
You're trans you know.
And everybody's like, what the fuck is this?
This guy's dying laughing for no reason.
And then you watch Joe and it's just, you know, let's do 20 minutes on monkeypox and where that shit came from.
And that's what people want.
Yeah.
Have you had monkeypox?
Not yet.
I'm hoping.
I heard it's a gay thing.
Oh, yeah.
That's true.
That's true, actually.
That's what I heard.
This is my favorite thing about is it like they did the same AIDS thing without even knowing it.
I know, I know.
That's my has somebody done a bit about that?
No, that's all yours.
But isn't that there?
Like, you know, how first with AIDS were like, I think it's like these gay sex parties, everything's going crazy.
Like, these gay people got to hold on.
And then the first thing with monkeypox are like, definitely gay sex parties.
Berlin.
These gay guys are fucking monkeys.
Absolutely.
I just, I don't know.
We make the same mistakes over and over.
I know.
Well, we're the same people.
We act like we're all everybody's entitled now.
In the words of Michael Che, we're all cumbing eggs.
You know, it's saying there's a guy, there's a philosopher in ancient Greece going, these kids today, I'll tell you.
And then we do it.
And then we think we're so different.
I mean, there is the internet now, so that changes things, but we're all the same.
I wonder if we're on that's the reason we can watch Squid Game and get it.
They're Korean.
I don't know any of those fucking weirdos, but we're the same.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you know how, like, there's like a, you know, how everybody talks about like there's like this social credit score in like China or whatever like that.
Like, I wonder if we have that and it's totally media.
Like we don't realize we have it, but like you saying something fucked up in the past is going to affect your opportunities.
That's China.
Yeah.
Right?
Like you criticize the CCP or whatever it is.
You're not going to get that job with the government.
Right.
We have that here, but we think we're like so free and everything.
We're not forgiving shit that happened 10 years ago.
That's a great point.
So we have this like free version of a social credit score.
Oh, you did some off-color bit.
Ah, Mark, I don't know if I don't know if we can do something with you on NBC anymore.
Yeah, right.
But I think this is why comedy is so popular right now because we go, ah, yeah.
Yeah, Rogan had an N-word whatever scandal, but he's still going.
Yeah.
So it's kind of like there's people going, what the hell?
He should be taken down.
He did that.
And you go, yeah, we don't care.
So we still have the we don't care, especially with comedy.
With if you have enough of a community.
Yes.
You need the community.
You need the community, which is what we're all trying to build.
And that's what happened with Shane: he got famous before community.
Yes.
If Shane was like this standout fucking star on SNL and then this thing came up, I don't think he gets canned.
Because I think SNL goes, we know who he is.
Look at all this material.
Look at all these sketches.
This is who he really is.
Now, like, we look at Shane now.
We look at Shane now, we go, ah, that was a gross mischaracterization of Shane.
Look how funny this guy is.
And he is not that at all because we have all the material.
Back then, that was the only thing that existed from Shane.
That's all we knew about him.
It was like a Rolling Stone article saying he's in SNL and then the best Asian accent ever.
But that's what it is, right?
It's like, yeah, I think he worked out better this way that he got canned.
Don't say that to him.
Wait, really?
He doesn't like hearing that.
I think that he likes where he is now.
He does, but he doesn't like that whole getting canceled helped you.
Ah, yeah, yeah.
I'm just saying.
It empowered him, I think, in the sense of like he had to take things into his own hands.
And that's how you found out how funny Shane was.
Because if Shane's on SNL, I don't think he's putting out that special at the creek.
And I don't think you're seeing holy.
I don't think he gets to put, son, I watched Isis Toyota.
I texted him like a month ago for the first time.
I was fucking howling.
I airplayed it, made my wife rewatch it with me.
Like, he's not going to put that on SNL.
No.
And they could use it, by the way.
Yeah, they could.
But it empowered him to be like, all right, well, let me just do this on my own.
And then you got to see what Shane really was.
Yeah.
SNL would have held on to tightening.
I agree with you 100%.
I also understand where Shane's come from, which is like, because I'm sure he's going, maybe I would have done great there too.
Yeah, that's what he says.
Like, and why, honestly, when I see someone succeed independently, I go, there's no reason to show why you wouldn't do well as part of an institution, right?
There's no reason why, because you've proven you could do it yourself.
As long as you were given that same opportunity over there, you would.
The only way you wouldn't is if you weren't given that same opportunity.
Right.
So, yeah.
Exactly.
So it's like, if they said, hey, Shane, run it, do these.
And he probably feels like, dog, that was one of the worst experiences of my life.
Don't brush it off and say, hey, it's all good.
It worked out for the best.
It sucked.
Yes.
But it did work out for the best.
Right.
I mean, like, I'm not brushing it off like it wasn't awful to go through or you would have done poorly on SNL.
But whatever happened, you did do the best.
I think it was the best thing in terms of like getting to showcase your talents.
But it also worked out that he's hilarious.
Yeah.
You know, the special is good.
Like, he could have gotten fired and then just been pushed off for the evening.
It's funny wins, bro.
Funny wins.
I look at fucking, like, every time you see a George Bush clip.
Oh, yeah.
And it's like, every time it's funny.
The same thing happened with Trump.
It's like, every time it's funny.
I know.
And it's hard to like hate somebody who makes you laugh.
You can hate somebody who makes you think.
Like, there's like, you know, Jordan Peterson is like a very thoughtful guy, and he says these things are really interesting.
You like read the book.
You're like, oh, I should clean my fucking house or whatever.
And that's great.
But if he does one thing to annoy you, you're like, oh, fuck this guy telling me to clean my face.
You can be too smart.
You can be too.
You can't be too funny, bro.
You can't be too funny.
You can be too almost everything.
That's great for him.
That's except funny.
That's great.
Yeah.
No one's like, Mr. Bean's a dick.
Yeah.
He's just a funny weirdo.
All he's been is funny.
That's it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's like when you venture out into, I don't know, I want to say like not being a provocateur, but being like an ideologue, like then you can kind of run people the wrong way.
Yeah.
And that's the tricky thing I think about people like.
Because the funny gets lost.
Because the funny gets lost.
Like, like, I think Carlin was so appreciated maybe by us and the people before us because we knew how funny he was.
And I think new people define the end of Carlin.
They're like, but he's not saying jokes or whatever.
Yeah, yeah.
It's like, it's like your funniest friend saying something thoughtful in conversation.
Right, right.
It's almost more profound because you're like, yo, I'm just used to this guy being funny.
That's true.
And now he's being really interesting.
Yeah.
You know what's interesting about, I'm a huge Carlin nut, but I love that the left and the right both claim him.
And I'm like, he hated both of them.
Both of you fuckers.
Yeah, yeah.
But they all claim it.
I'm like, he said the N-word in a bunch in a bunch of N-words.
He called black people the N-word in the joke.
In the joke.
And it kills.
It's a great joke.
And then he has a joke about it.
Like I call feminists come catchers.
Whenever I go to these feminist meetings, I go, suck my dick and cook me dinner, sweetheart, all this shit.
And the left is like, woo, this guy's awesome.
He's great.
He's all about this and that.
And then he also attacked climate change.
He's like, climate change, bullshit.
The planet will be fine.
Really?
Yeah.
And then he was a big free speech guy and he was a big like, hey, you guys are fucking up the language.
They trick you with the language.
They tell me what I can't say.
So he was all over the place, but everybody tries to claim him.
Now, why do you think they want to claim him?
Well, I think he's a, I think he's a good guy.
I think he's a hero kind of at the end of the day.
And he had great points.
So if you find a great point that fits your narrative, you want to put it out there.
And I think, yeah, yeah.
It's like, we just need one soundbite.
Exactly, exactly.
He's got 14-hour specials.
You take that three-minute bit.
This abortion joke is brilliant.
And right now we're dealing with abortion.
And this guy said it in the best, most like potent formation.
And he does go out the right in that bit.
So he's left-wing.
He's our guy.
Right, exactly.
Yeah, we just want motherfuckers who agree with us.
I know.
I feel that way about my wife, bro.
Like, sometimes I'll be riding home.
I'd be like, I hope we agree tonight, bro.
Oh, right.
Like, that would be a great night of just agreeing.
And then you'll fake agreeance just to get through it.
You get to agree.
Yeah, exactly.
Like, just choose to agree.
Say again?
Just choose to agree.
She'd be wrong, bro.
She ate a Top Gun.
I thought she was into that.
But I was looking over to see if she was a fucking traitor like you, bro.
I liked it.
I'm just saying.
It was cheese.
Maybe it was a little cheese, Norman, but still, you deal with cheese.
You're young and you're not on mic, but say it loud.
What did you think about Top Gun?
Don't be afraid of your job.
Yeah, you don't get fired no matter what.
I think it was cool.
I mean, I thought it was like.
I'm already heartbroken.
Agent Scarin is really sick, but also like we're not.
Can I tell you something?
This dude's 19 years old.
He's brilliant.
He's awesome.
He looked at Top Gun like a fucking Norman Rockwell paint.
It's pretty.
It is pretty.
I love the American.
Can I tell you something that drives me fucking crazy this kid does?
I'll just be having normal conversation.
I'll be literally, I'll be really trying to communicate, bro.
Like, I'm talking to people from all different age groups here, and I'll be trying to communicate.
And I'll just hear him snicker like that.
Like, he'll just start laughing at me at me being serious.
That enrages me, bro.
I'm like, did I use a word wrong?
Like, am I using slang incorrectly?
Like, what the fuck is going on?
And it's just non-stop snickering.
You're the boomer.
What the fuck?
It's like the little kids laughing at their stepdad.
You didn't see that coming when you walked out of Top Gun saying, that's the perfect movie?
I didn't say, I didn't say, I first said that was cinema.
That was cinema, bro.
Because it was cinema.
It was absolutely beautiful.
What about movies?
Is that done for you guys?
Like, my girl's younger than me, and she can't even get through a fucking movie.
What do you mean?
Like, she's.
How old is she?
I'm trying to.
I'm 38.
She's 30.
Okay.
So it's like.
Decent.
It's just phone, TikTok all day.
And then I'm like, oh, you got to see it.
And she's like, what happened?
I'm like, this is an amazing movie.
This is like a classic.
Can't get this.
This shit don't work, bro.
Doesn't work.
It's generational, but then there's certain things that they could watch for a fucking hour.
Like, she could probably watch TikTok for two fucking moments.
Blows my mind.
Blows my fucking mind.
Yeah, yeah.
All day long.
She's a 90-day fiancé.
Crazy.
Any documentary like The Staircase or something.
Shit, like that.
She's watching non-stop.
Yeah, but you try to bring her to like Shawshank Redemption.
Yes.
My wife didn't like Shaw Shank Redemption.
I'm not going to lie.
She liked it.
But still, like an older movie that we fucked with.
Yeah.
Have you tried to get her to watch old stand-up?
She likes stand-up, I'm assuming, because I didn't even try because I knew it would not work.
Yo, watch Delirious with your wife who's in her 20s.
Oh, mind explode, ears bleed.
Bro, the first thing, he's like, he's looking at my ass.
Yeah.
It's not even a joke.
He's just going, stop looking at my ass.
He's also in the gayest outfit ever.
And he's on SNL.
He's like the star of SNL.
Shane Gilson watched that and be like, oh, fuck.
Yeah.
Now, do you think that's the age thing, or is that just a woman thing?
Like, were women going to see Top Gun in the 80s in the theater being like, I love this movie.
That's a good question.
Yes.
You think so?
I do think so.
You had to see it to talk.
I do this.
You don't know.
I think Cop Gun is a bad example because that's the perfect movie.
And it's rare that they make the perfect movie twice.
That's a great point.
They got back into an F-14.
That shit was so fire, bro.
Because they suddenly put in the beginning, they're like, they got some old relics out there, even in F-14.
And I remember seeing that part.
I was like, for sure.
Going to drive that fucking F-14.
And I told my wife, too.
Like, it's just me and her.
We got in a nice little fight right before the movie.
So that's how you know it was good because it was like, I started being friends with her again.
What was she saying?
I don't want to see this fucking movie.
That was some dumb shit, probably.
And then, uh, and that one, listen.
Yeah.
And I remember, I remember, like, I remember something happened.
They landed on that like base.
You guys don't know.
You didn't see it.
But I remember doing this fucking corny thing in the movie.
Like, this is how you know I was being a fucking child.
I was like, he's going for the F-14.
Are you the dude that tries to call the flyer every time the movie's going to be?
F-14 Jet Memories00:11:42
If I know it, I want my girl to think I'm brilliant, bro.
I want my girl through everybody.
You go, I bet you he actually dies with that.
That's me.
That's me.
You're that guy, Trevor.
Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
You want to impress her any way you can.
I want her to think I'm smart.
I think she's thinking she's watching the movie, like, wow, this guy gets writing.
Yo, you know what?
I'm going to fuck him together.
I didn't think about it like that.
I did not think about it like that.
And it is absolutely pathetic that I care that much, but I do care.
I want my wife to think I'm cool.
I want her to be aware of that.
Somebody will like my writing.
Yeah.
That's a good point.
Wait, you don't try to impress your wife, bro?
I don't know what the fuck's happening.
I don't watch a movie, bro.
No, but you guys do like P90X or whatever.
Like, you keep up doing huge, man.
You're ripped.
Come on, dude.
But what does he do?
What is this?
You do P90X.
Yeah.
So don't you try to like, if there's another dude killing you in the class, I don't try to foreshadow that class.
Like, I think at the end, we're going to be tired.
Like, I don't spoil the ending of the class.
That's spoiling anything, but don't you want her to think that you're great is what I'm trying to say.
Yeah, but what about watching a movie and spoiling it means you're great?
Because you called it out.
Like, I'm not sure.
And now she thought you're smart.
You said something she couldn't think of.
No, Stradamus wasn't impressive.
You never thought about this?
Well, like, I have.
You did magic.
You did magic as a kid.
Why?
So people could think you're interesting.
Yeah, cool.
So they can think you're cool.
Yes, I was the youngest of them.
You never tried no magic with your girl?
I do.
Never.
What'd you do?
What is it?
Oh, man.
Yeah, I make my opponent disappear sometimes.
I do that.
With your girl?
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
How do you do that?
How do you do that?
Come on.
You got to do what you got.
He had an all-U.
He had an all-U.
I made my Pippa go bye-bye.
I'm making my Pippa go bye bye.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because I got to tell y'all about cuts, okay?
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All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because I got to save y'all some money for free.
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You're welcome.
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Let's get back to the show.
I do get why Shifty laughs at you for the record.
Why?
Because you do generationally get a lot of things wrong.
Like what, for example?
Well, the ick, first off.
You don't know.
Do I know about the ick?
Wait, why do you know what?
I don't know about this either.
I've tried to rehash, and they go, oh, you're already icked.
Get out of here.
I'm telling you, it's a thing.
I just explained this guy for weeks.
I don't know.
I know all about it.
I don't believe in this.
This is prior to your success.
Oh, yeah.
This is standard.
This is a female thing.
Yeah, but this is before your success.
This is when you're not successful.
The ick exists.
Yes.
The real ick is you're not successful.
And she's looking for a justification.
Success can overcome ick.
I think so, too.
100%.
Well, what kind of success are you thinking?
Oh, like if you're like at a successful statement.
You're like sick of P90X.
Yeah, you're killing me.
I'm killing one of the best magicians in America.
Peggy's getting laid.
Yeah, thank you.
They fuck boys.
Tiny little boy.
Make the PP appear.
It's a different beef going on.
That's a small wand.
Okay, go, go.
But like some people are like insurance salesmen.
They do like a job where it's just kind of regular.
You know what I mean?
Not everyone's like a world famous comedian.
Oh, so their ick?
Yeah, I'm saying the ick applies to them.
Yeah.
They're not successful.
They just have a regular job.
But maybe they're very successful in that job.
Yeah.
If you're like a finance bro, I don't think the ick applies.
No, no, it still applies.
I think it applies.
These girls be shitting on finance bros all the time and then dating them.
Think about women.
They always go, he's out of here.
He's a frack guy.
He's a douche.
These guys get laid kind of married.
Married every single time.
Yeah, that girl.
That girl.
The biggest douche in high school, the bully, always had the hottest girl every time.
Come on.
So something's going on there with the ladies.
Yeah.
But I do think the ick exists.
Okay, why?
Who icked you?
I've been icked.
I mean, because here's what happens.
You do off the ghost.
What was the ick?
And they go, what was I thinking with that guy?
And they have to like do this biological dance.
It's internal.
It's like lady shit, you know, nature shit, where they're like, I have to be turned off by that guy now because I can't let him fuck me again.
But that's not the ick, dog.
You icked her.
You ghosted her.
They didn't ick on my ick.
Because then if I come back, they're like, no, I've already icked you.
No, they're just smart.
Maybe.
But now they've got what Mark is talking about, we talked about a couple weeks ago, is like this guy can be really hot or you're really into him, but then he does one thing and like a subtle thing.
Yes.
Like he puts splendor in his coffee.
Yes.
Ick.
I mean, oh, that's that's a nick too.
Yeah.
I thought of these kinds of things.
Not necessarily you treat them poorly.
Just like you do things like that.
I thought it was a girl fucks you and then later realized like that was a huge mistake.
What was I thinking?
Fucking that guy.
He's so ugly and gross.
No, it's one little thing.
He flushes the toilet with this boy.
That's regret.
That's just regret.
Yeah.
I got a lot of those.
Ick is real too.
Back in your dating days, you ever bring a girl to a show and then bomb at the show?
Yes.
What?
Brutal.
Then she would leave with fucking David Tell.
But yeah, I definitely had that.
And, you know, every now and then it would go well.
It was like doing well in front of a lady was like, you got a huge 80% boost.
Like if getting laid is, you got to get to 100%.
You got an 80% boost and just had to not fuck it up.
Yeah, it's very rare on a date for a random person that like 300 people just clap for them.
Exactly.
And if you did, you'd probably get laid.
Yeah.
It was huge.
Yeah.
And you got the free drinks, you give them to her.
And then what happens when you bomb?
You come off stage and you're like, normally goes better.
I would never bring girls to shows.
Yeah.
It seems crazy.
I couldn't imagine.
I never bring girls.
I never brought friends.
Like, that's work.
Like, you come out when it's like headlining or something like that, but like, I don't even bring my wife.
Like, if maybe like if like we're going to dinner or something like that, whatever, but like, that's work.
Like, that is, I want to fucking save a thing that might bomb.
And I don't want to be thinking in the back of my head, oh, this person that I really admire is here.
And they don't know.
They don't know the situation.
They don't know anything.
They don't know that a bomb is going to happen.
You're just due for a bomb at a certain point.
They see you that night and it happens to be your night.
They just walk out being like, I guess this guy sucks.
Right.
Yep.
And it's like, like every NBA player has an off night.
This is just what it is.
But you never have somebody come to your show and like they're like, they might talk about the host in a way.
And you have to explain, like, you have to understand the audience is cold and it's harder to warm them up.
They don't know.
They're like, that person made me laugh.
That person didn't make me laugh.
Yeah.
But I'm not doing it every night.
I mean, you do it once every three months.
You bring a gal to a show and it was a fun, it was a fun event.
But you picked that show.
That's true.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Handcrafted by handcraft.
Saturday night, it's 10 p.m. at the village underground.
Exactly.
You got a nice cushy spot.
A third.
Following abroad.
There you go.
Yeah, man.
That's the move.
Yeah, I guess it does.
I guess it does.
Are you single?
Not married.
You're married.
Everybody here is married, Mark.
Holy will not.
Yeah.
He's basically married.
Yeah, pretty much.
Oh, well, okay.
Me too, basically.
Did you pick out the ring with her?
I had help.
From her friends?
Yes.
Hating asses.
Yes.
But she liked the ring?
Loves the ring.
Because sometimes her friends are haters and they don't want her to get a better ring.
On purpose?
That's fucked up.
That's wild.
That's diabolic.
I thought she would just tell her friends what ring she wants.
Yeah, but then her friends are like, she don't really want that shit.
She wants that little pear-shaped one or something like that.
You know what I mean?
Like, I don't know.
I don't trust that.
I don't trust that.
There's a little infighting and stuff, you know?
There's a lot of infighting.
Yeah.
Women are like comics.
Yeah, all of them.
They're insufferable.
Okay, so November wedding, you lock it down.
Bachelor party?
Yeah, we're going to Florida.
What part of you?
We're going to go, well, we're doing Tampa.
We're selling side splitters.
I do fucking weekend.
We got a huge.
We're performing that night.
We're performing the first night.
We're getting there, making a boatload of money.
We charge crazy tickets, sold out already.
Taking that moolah, going right to this giant.
We got a villa, we got jet skis, we got donkeys, we got a magician.
Yeah, it's gonna be wild.
This is how white people do bachelor party.
That's the one.
No, you just need one foreign-sounding thing.
Villa.
This house, dog.
Gun Ownership Rules00:15:14
It ain't nothing different.
It's a house.
Yeah, it's an Airbnb.
But it's gonna be nuts.
Tampa.
I don't know what you want.
What do you want?
Dolphins and a petting zoo?
I mean, it's gonna be.
Al, what do you want for your bachelor party?
Yeah, like what's that movie in Vegas?
Hangover?
Yeah, something like that.
Wow, I can do that on a Tuesday.
Yeah.
I go to Vegas all the time.
Doesn't flex.
You want your people there.
No phones, no video.
What about Columbia?
You ever tried the food in Columbia?
I feel bad making a bunch of guys go over to Columbia.
They got great food, though.
The cuisine is phenomenal.
Is this a cocaine bit?
It's a choose your own adventure.
You can instrument anything.
I'm going to drink in cocaine.
Oh, I got it.
Stay with me.
The kids.
Got it.
I'll have at a 14.
I'll add those 14s.
Stop gun drawback.
That's your Tomcat.
Yo, come on, bro.
Shifty, did you see that?
Exactly, bro.
These kids don't know nothing, dude.
They can't keep up.
They can't fucking keep up.
They call us old and boomer.
Come on, man.
You don't have a pube.
I'm just kidding.
I will say the drug use with children is staggering.
Yeah.
But we're like, you guys aren't fucking statistic-wise.
You're not fucking and you're not doing drugs.
And the drug choice is really interesting with them.
Well, it's Adderall.
It's all the prescription shit.
Also, disassociative drugs like ketamine.
Oh, is that big now?
So in other words, just like separate me from this thing.
Interesting.
That I have to live.
Like, Adderall kind of like locks you in even more.
And I think that they do that all the time.
Going to fucking school is just like so normalized, not even like a drug.
But just this, like, create a barrier between life and me.
And I think that could be.
I was talking to Che about this on Idiots.
Che was on Brilliant Idiots, podcast I did with Charlemagne.
Yeah.
And then like, and he was saying something about like, even like all these people that shot up the, you know, these mass shootings and that kind of stuff.
He's like, I just think it's the internet.
I'm like, what are you talking about?
He's like, it's just, would any of these people do it if they didn't see it on the internet?
He's like, this is, this is people trying to one-up each other?
I think that's, I completely agree.
It's like copycat.
How do crazy people one-up?
We know how comics one-up.
We know how baseball players won up.
We know how basketball players won up.
Oh, you dropped 40.
I'm going to drop 50.
Like, what is the crazy version of that?
Right.
And that's great.
And I thought 40, I'm going to drop 50.
Real fuck.
Look at Tony Hawk with a 900.
I used to skateboard.
That was like everything.
That was the biggest deal.
I watched it live when it happened.
Now 10-year-olds are doing 900s in their driveway.
There's a, what is the, oh, fuck, there's a term for this.
Like, the guy that broke the Roger Band.
What is it about?
And it's like, he did it.
Everybody did it.
Yeah.
There is a term.
Yeah.
What is it, Mark?
You know?
I don't know what the term is.
Hey, four-minute mile.
But we got on this topic from school shootings.
Yeah, I don't know why we're talking about it.
Let's get diagnosed with school shootings.
It's a four-minute milestone.
Okay, go.
I have a way to solve school shootings or at least an idea.
Okay, here we go.
All right.
Now, feel free to kick me in the balls here, Shifty.
But these guys, I don't think you should be able to buy, like, I'm not a gun guy, but I get it.
You have a gun.
You live in Montana.
You need a rifle to shoot a bear coming towards you, whatever it is.
But these AR whatevers and these AK-47, I don't think anybody really needs that.
And if you buy one, you should have to post about it.
You should have to post about it almost like a wedding where you go, if anyone has any problems, object now.
So some guy posts about it.
He goes, I got to do this to buy the gun.
I have to post about it online, social media.
And then everybody in the neighborhood goes, nah, that motherfucker can't have an AR 15.
Yeah, that guy fucked my dog in 88 or whatever it is, you know?
And you go, no, no, don't give him a gun.
He fucked my dog.
So now we got a thing.
That's great.
That's an idea.
You should have to post about it.
Okay, pushback, Mark.
Please.
What if you don't have a community or any friends on the internet?
Ooh.
So now you're posting about it.
Then you shouldn't have a gun because you're a fucking murderer in the making.
That's my point.
Joe, do you?
What if this is the rule to getting a gun?
You just need three friends that can coast on it.
You need a reference.
You can't get into the comedy cellar without somebody vouching for you.
Why?
You just need a vouch.
Can't get a job.
If your dad says you can get a gun, if your mom says, if a friend, even if it's a friend who also has a gun who is 18 years old, if you had two vouches, because if you have two friends, you ain't shooting that shit up.
Yeah.
Well, what about Columbine?
How many were they?
Three or four.
Oh, that's three on three and a half.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, And all six of them shot that thing up?
I think so.
That was the difference with your generation.
Only two.
Only two shots.
Only two.
But the trench co-mafia may have been?
Was it?
That's the rock beta.
I saw the Euro picture.
There were six of them.
Yeah.
That's three on three.
But it was two that actually did the work.
Klebold and someone else.
All right.
So what I'm saying, you have three friends that vouch for you.
Now, granted, you can probably pay people on the internet to come vouch for you, but their name is also on it.
So now your name is on these bodies.
That's good.
I'm just saying some sort of like system where people can start.
You basically want a system where people go, yo, that guy might be crazy.
Yes.
We want to out the crazy before it happens.
Yes.
You got to go public.
That's that wrong.
Yeah, you got to go public.
You want one of these assault rifles or whatever.
But even if it's a nine millimeter, you can still get the job done.
That's true.
That's true.
All right.
Like, that's the thing.
Like, I read some crazy statistic, and maybe it's like suicides are incorporated in this, but like the majority of shootings are not the AR-15s.
It's handguns.
And I think suicides are included.
So that starts with the shit.
I think mass shootings, I think, tend to be AR-15s.
Mass shooting.
Air-15s.
Still, I don't know.
I'm just like, I don't know what the fuck to do, man.
But it keeps happening because it keeps happening.
Yeah.
You know?
Maybe we need to unplug.
I think that was Che's point.
It's like, maybe there needs to be.
He's like, he's like, back in the day, you read the newspaper and then you just looked outside.
And it was like, maybe that was better.
Maybe just having less to consume.
Because I don't know if it's anxiety.
I think my consumption might be a little different than the average fucking kid.
Like, I'm not consuming anxiety all day.
And if I am, I'm trying to remove it because I don't want to feel that.
Yeah.
But maybe these kids that don't fucking know anything, we're in our 30s, bro.
These fucking kids are 19 years old and every single tweet that comes up or news headline is like the world's ending.
That might be difficult.
Of course.
They have to be on their phone.
They live on their phones.
Their whole social life is on their phones.
So they can't get away from it.
And then it's news, news, news.
And then, like Mulaney just had Chappelle open.
You see that?
Yeah.
And the fucking the news is to blame because they'll take three tweets from three angry people and go, this is a story now.
It's not a fucking story.
Three queefs got upset.
We got to cater to them.
Yeah.
You know how many people saw that?
Went, oh shit, Chappelle's coming out.
You know, like most.
Most.
Yeah, that's the difference between like what gets clicks because we'll even talk about that.
Right.
And whoever's reporting on that knows that that shit gets clicks.
Exactly.
And that's pretty gross.
All right.
Before we get out of here, Mark, we got some feelings, no facts.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we can bust these out.
Okay, this happened in Fort Worth, Texas.
Oh, shit.
This girl gets cheated on, and then this is her retaliation against her boyfriend.
Oh, that's fine.
She got arrested for this shit.
Good.
Yeah.
What's the charge?
Littering?
I mean, theft, maybe?
I think it's just destruction of property and theft.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Dumps it in the river.
Justified for cheating, yes or no?
I mean, who videotaped it?
That's the wild thing.
She got a freaking shot.
She wanted the clout.
Yeah.
She posted it.
She posted it.
She posted herself.
He cheated, so I threw his mom's ashes in the river.
Yo, do you know what this is?
Maybe he was Indian and it was the Ganges.
Exactly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How do we know?
Do it properly.
Go to India.
Don't do it in court or fucking Texas.
That'd be funny if the guy was home like, this is my fucking ashtray.
What do you think?
Justified or no?
Nah, not justified, but I think this goes back to what we were saying before about like the mass shootings.
It's like, there's a trend to like do fucked up shit to the guy that cheats on you.
Oh, I keyed his car.
Oh, that's the John Tucker Muzdot shit.
John Tucker, they made a whole movie out of that.
That's like the movie.
He read the Wikipedia.
Exactly.
This girl cheats on the guy.
Oh, fucking God.
That's what it's about.
But like, I'm going to kill up his sneakers.
I'm going to ruin his clothes or whatever like that.
You see all these things and then it goes viral.
And then girls go, okay, what would I do in that?
Yeah, man.
Maybe that's it.
Maybe we're all trying to get attention by one-upping each other.
Yes.
And this is the next level.
I mean, that's foul.
That's your grandma.
Yeah, she didn't do anything.
I'll kill you.
No, that's his mom.
That's my mom.
That's a straight up mom.
What?
You would kill her?
I would kill her.
No, you would.
Allegedly, you would allegedly kill her?
I would kill her.
But can we just think about how big the ashtray would have to be for Akash's mom, bro?
Bro, them shits would be crazy, dog.
No, you would need one of them pots, bro.
Aladdin hit him, bro.
You would need one of them crazy.
Another reason he deserved to die, yo.
No, she wouldn't have lifted.
She wouldn't be able to lift that.
I would have had to be my way, bro.
Exactly.
Okay.
What else we got, Mark?
So this is an interesting one.
This is related to the ick.
So basically, there's a new challenge of toxic femininity that's out in the world.
I love this.
And we talked about the ick last time.
We talked about toxic femininity all the time.
This is another one.
That's my favorite thing that women do is toxic femininity.
So we can go through a couple of these.
Some of them are good.
Some of them are bad.
We can edit up.
Okay, we're running.
But basically, this is a rating and then an issue that they have with the guy and how much that drops his rating.
Oh, this is fascinating.
So I'll play it.
We can play the rating and then what the issue is, and then you guys judge how much you think that does go.
Ready?
Here we go.
All right.
Since you guys love the game so much, here's round three.
Okay, he's a 10, but he clapped after the Top Gun movie ended.
10.5.
He's 11.
He's 11.
He's an 11.
It's a man's man.
It's a patriot.
It's someone who loves his country.
It's someone who loves Tom Cruise.
Someone who loves airplanes.
Agreed.
You think he goes up?
He goes up.
Don't you want a man that's passionate?
A man that will sacrifice for you and sacrifice for country?
This is what the women say.
You give a stand and O at the fucking movie.
I literally, I'm not going to lie to you.
I went like, I swear to God in my life, the first time I watched it, I swear to God in my life.
It wasn't even a packed theater.
I went like this.
When they came up the mountain, I went, what?
I swear to God on my life.
I did that.
And I'm like, let's go.
What did you wear?
Did you dress up?
Second?
You dressed up?
Yeah.
What'd you wear?
Second?
What'd you wear?
You knew what I wore the shit that Tom Cruise slid into the room with.
I just wore the button-down shirt and size, bro.
I wore a button-down shirt and size.
That's whiskey business.
All right, so this is what they said.
The clap to the end of Tom Cruise.
How does it affect your rating?
Still a 10.
Still a 10.
Almost 11.
Thank you.
Thank you, ladies.
Y'all get it?
Okay, here's another.
Okay, he's a five, but he smells delicious.
Five.
That adds so much.
Yeah.
I'm going to go seven.
Maybe eight.
Damn.
Yeah, Mark's soul just left his body.
Look how hard this mat is.
Who says I smoke it?
Wow.
Who says that?
That's better, man.
That's good, right?
You just went up to it, too.
Thank you.
Man, that smells good.
What is that?
It's musk, okay?
Yeah, it's an old spice.
You know what I'm saying?
My issue is I wore a natural deodorant forever.
Oh, that shit just didn't really matter.
That's your excuse.
What about the no-showering?
Yeah, yeah.
Who has time to shower?
How do you guys shower all the time?
I don't know.
I barely shower.
Right?
I was such an idiot when you said, I thought Elon Musk had a cologne.
I was like, oh shit, man, what is this?
Yeah, dude.
He's a seven, but he loves Hallmark movies.
Oh, that's a six.
Ten.
Goes back.
You think he goes up?
Ten.
Four.
Ten.
Down.
Four.
Six.
These bitches ain't watching nothing.
They're lying.
Two-point deduction.
Six.
Down.
He's an eight, but he will occasionally throw temper tantrums.
It's kind of hot.
Ten.
Yeah, you love the passion.
Shorty loves the passion on the right.
Five.
Five.
Four.
She's been dead.
He's a six, but he can dance.
Oh, come on now.
Eight.
Nine.
Black.
Black.
I mean, it could be square dancing.
He's been a nine, but he runs up the stairs on all fours.
Nah.
That's fun.
Six, nine.
Stan.
Wow.
Okay, Una reversing it.
He's a nine.
But he thinks it's a gourmet meal when he cooks like rice, chicken, and broccoli.
And that's like what he'll do every time.
I mean, you're hating right now.
Good rice chicken.
What's wrong with Asians done stayed alive off of rice, chicken, and broccoli?
Yes.
BTS.
He can stay a nine.
Oh.
Like, that's all he can cook.
I mean, he thinks that's his gourmet.
That's his skill level.
Does your generation cook?
Seven.
Six, seven?
This is fascinating because they haven't mentioned looks once.
This is what's interesting about women.
They don't care about that shit.
They really don't know.
But now they're saying the looks are he's a nine, but that's based on looks.
They don't care about that.
I don't know.
Yeah, all right.
I guess you're right.
Oh, okay, okay.
Yeah.
But they still are everything, you know, guys would be like, put on some weight.
She's true.
You want one more?
Let's go through a few more and then we can cut these if we need to.
See, women, this is this is a great thing about your generation is women never, everything was a secret back in the day.
Like I used to read those Playboy things where they're like, I like a guy who's who doesn't smoke and works out.
I was like, oh, this is fucking good information.
But it was all a secret.
Women kept everything close to the vest back in the day.
You didn't know that they liked the guys who worked out and didn't smoke?
Well, I'm just saying, I needed anything.
Anyway, apparently you like guys that smell good.
Exactly.
Some girls are like, you gotta check out this Playboy magazine.
It's got great information in it.
I read everything.
You wouldn't buy Playboy for the info.
I bought Cosmo for the info.
Really?
What about guys they like what they like in a guy?
I used to watch porn called CFNM.
Did you have friends?
Clothes, female, naked, male.
Wait, what is clothes, female, naked male?
That's where a guy walks out naked and all the women have clothes on and they would just be like, all right, his dick's not bad.
His balls are a little saggy.
Oh, exactly.
I like the abs.
That's porn.
It's hot because you learn and they're like masochistic.
It's the comedy of porn, really.
Right?
Like you walk in front of a bunch of people, you're like, do you like me?
But you learn.
Women know everything about us.
We don't know shit about them.
It's not that hard, bro.
All right.
All right.
You'd be surprised.
No.
Shit, women will tell you where you're like, damn.
None of that shit matters, dude.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
The genius mate right here, bro.
No, I'm being honest.
Like, the fucking amazing ability that women have to like fall in love with whoever you are.
Like, women.
That's incredible.
And we don't have that.
They have that.
So that's why I don't believe when they're like, oh, I need a guy to be this height and I need a guy to be into this music.
You don't need any of that.
It doesn't hurt.
No.
It doesn't even.
What do you think is attracted to the first place?
Exactly.
What's attractive in the first place?
If you asked your wife originally, if you were like, do you want a guy that doesn't shower that often?
Yeah.
Right.
And smells and smells like himself multiple days out of the week.
Open Marriage Normalization00:11:16
Before she was ever married, she wouldn't be like, that's my ideal guy.
I wouldn't lead with that, though.
Now, she's like, I kind of like the way he smells.
And I kind of like looking after him.
And I kind of like telling him to go take a shower.
The genius of women is that they, once they fall in love, the things about you, they also fall in love with.
We're not fucking built that way, unfortunately.
I wish we were built that way.
I wish.
You got a point.
I mean, look at Chris Brown.
Rihanna went back.
She's like, I like the way he hits me.
I like the way he gets me afraid.
But she went back.
No, she didn't.
Well, give that a goo.
Gina Turner went back.
No, they went jet skiing.
They went to Diddy's house and they were jet skiing afterwards.
You know Jet the magazine?
He did grow up in the world.
No, but I do think that that is the thing that I'm most envious about with women is that when they really fall in love with somebody, they're able to fall in love with all these things about them that they might not exactly like.
And they start to talk about it.
They say like, yeah, he's fat, but I like a guy who's cuddly.
He's like a teddy bear.
Exactly.
Like, we don't do that.
We have a thing that we like and it fucking sucks.
And we have to find the person that we actually emotionally connect with.
It's true.
We have to find the thing we emotionally connect with.
It's true.
That also is built the way that we like.
Like, think about it.
Like, yeah.
You found your wife who's beautiful, right?
And looks the way that you want a human being to look.
They're laughing at.
I think women are equally as shallow.
Al, when I had nothing.
You had enough.
There was a woman who was married to Stephen Hawking and then another woman married him.
There was a guy married to Helen Keller.
Keller, what?
A guy married Helen Keller.
Say, really?
Yeah.
Perfect.
I made that up, but I'm assuming this argument.
And you don't know if she was bad with the stupid dumb fat tips.
Maybe she had a crazy dumper.
How do you know?
Exactly.
I don't know.
What I'm trying to say is that there might have been a guy.
You don't think there's a guy out there that could deal with her just all fucking day if she was beautiful?
Honey Boo-Boo's mom got fucking married.
Like, guys do the same shit.
No, no.
What are you talking about?
They're shallow.
Come on.
Women are shallow too.
You just had enough of the things good.
They're shallow.
And then they can annoy their shell.
They're shallow about different things.
I'll get we're shallow.
No, they're shallow about look.
We're shallow about looks.
They're shallow about security.
And I don't mean this in like, well, women need money.
They're shallow about looks, too.
No.
I hear the way women talk about dudes.
They are shallow.
Let me clarify what I'm saying.
Once you're over six feet, it doesn't matter.
I just, let me clarify.
I didn't clarify that before.
Once you're over six feet, none of that other shit matters, bro.
It's for the birds.
Under six feet, like good luck, little kids.
You know what I'm saying?
Little children.
You know what I'm saying?
But you found one.
Beautiful eyes.
No, but I do feel like they have much more malleability with what they're shallow about.
Whereas us, we don't.
And it sucks.
And it is what it is.
And we're not bad people.
It's just how we're wired.
And then you get, and I think that's why when we find someone that has all those things and we get along with, like emotionally connect with, we're like, literally, we say, we're like, this is the most amazing person ever.
It's like, they're built the way that I just happen to want women to be built, which sucks.
I didn't choose this.
It sucks that I feel this way.
I have no control over it.
And they're awesome.
Marry me, take half of all my shit.
Right?
They don't have to say that part ever.
Yeah.
But we will because it's so rare.
We're like, this is so rare that I found a person that looks the way I want and then just happens to, I get along with and is the most amazing person.
Yes.
I think that they can work around.
Yeah.
Security.
Once they're in, once they are in love with you, it's like...
Were you this way when you were 18, though?
What do you mean?
Like, if you got married hypothetically when you were 18 or 19.
I wasn't ready to get married by the point because you're a different guy then.
That's what I'm saying.
Like, did I feel this?
Did I think women felt this way?
No, like, did you have the exact checkbox that you needed when you were 18?
Like, let's say you got an arranged marriage when you were 18.
Could you have, were you more malleable?
Could you have worked around it?
No.
Like still, physically, I had the same, I had the same, I was into the same things.
You weren't.
Yes, I was.
You were dating different types of women then.
Well, you date who says yes at 18.
That's what I'm saying.
So stop it with the bullshit.
I mean, like, yeah, we don't get our choice.
But that's why marriage is scary because who knows when you're 58 if you're into something else.
But that's how my wife knows I love her.
Because I have a choice now.
Do you know what I'm saying?
You have a choice.
You have no choice.
You're married.
No, like I have a choice to be married.
Like, if I was 18, I wasn't fucking successful.
I had nothing.
And I was like, let's get married.
It's like, I might think this is the best I could get.
Oh, I see.
I see.
I have a choice.
I see.
I'm successful.
I have opportunity.
But I'm going, you're the best.
Right.
You are the best.
I don't think that there's anything better out there than you, and I want to be with you forever.
It's the biggest compliment.
It is.
You got married straight out of high school.
You don't know nothing.
You ain't even got no pussy yet.
Right.
Do you know what I'm saying?
It was after college.
I was out of college, you know.
You know, 31, 22, same thing.
But you know what I'm saying?
It's not that point.
I think eventually, because we're very open-minded now sexually, you know, it's very fluid.
Everything's different now.
But I think eventually.
Shout out to Mexico.
I think open-mindedness and what do you call it? Open marriages will be more normal.
I think that's become a thing.
Somebody's going to make a hard stance on that.
Like, hey, this should be a thing now.
You sound like me.
You're making a salt stance right now.
I'm saying that's going to open up.
Have you brought it up yet?
No, no, but I'll wait till the public knows it.
The shifties of the world are going to open that door.
Hey, babe, look at Cosmo today.
It's crazy.
Baby, we shouldn't be such bigots.
You know what I mean?
I think a lot of stuff's going to open up.
I would never do that shit, though, bro.
What?
I don't want my wife fucking nobody, dude.
It's my open relationship.
What do you mean?
It's open with you.
It's closed on her end.
Sure.
But do you let your wife have sex with other guys?
Of course.
It's tough, but the perks.
The perks, it might just become the norm.
But you can also make it not the norm.
True.
But I think things open up.
The world changes.
I mean, 10 years ago, you would have never said, hey, that guy with a dick is a woman.
I say that shit before I let someone fuck my wife.
Are you crazy?
Come on.
I'm going to tell you.
You never know.
You never know.
I know.
I'm trying to tell you.
Yo, Will Smith tried that shit.
It didn't work.
No, it doesn't.
Everybody was fucking his wife, and it drove him crazy.
He slapped Chris Rock because of it.
I don't think that we're built to have people fuck our wives, man.
I don't think it's in our DNA.
I think you might want to, you know, see what's out there.
Well, I'm just saying, I think the world will open up.
I think things will change.
I'm not saying I'm trying to do it.
I'm just saying I think it could happen.
I think incest will open up as well.
That I don't see.
Talk to me.
I'm just saying.
You guys are very closed-minded.
The future is vast and different, and it could happen.
Do you got a cousin you always want to take down?
An uncle.
Incest was already popping back in the day.
It was popping.
I think it'll be accepted eventually.
I'm saying tomorrow, but you know, 10, 20 years.
How close?
I give it 15 years.
No, no, meaning like how close related.
Oh, oh, I think it'll be wide open.
Look at the number one porn in America is sister.
No, step sister.
Stepsister, but different.
We're already creeping.
We're creeping.
Yeah, that is true.
I mean, that's the Jonathan Haidt thing.
He's like, if you're, you, your sister, birth control, no kids could come out of it, no marriage, whatever, is it unethical?
Yes.
Oh, did he say that?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was him.
It was like a thought problem.
He's good.
I like that guy.
Yeah, he's interesting.
That's a cool stuff.
I don't know.
I'm from Louisiana.
Yeah.
You know, I don't know about all that.
I'm not saying I'm for it or whatever, or I want it to happen, or it's a good idea.
I'm just saying things will open up.
But don't you think we have like a biological disposition to not fuck our brothers and sisters?
Tell that to the hebs.
But no, I'm just a cousin.
That's cousins.
Cousins.
Cousins might be different.
I don't know how it is.
It'll probably start with cousins and then you think it will get closer.
I think so.
I'm not pushing for it.
I'm just saying.
You can see it happen.
I can see it happen.
Okay, fine.
Ready?
Ready?
Pedophilia is already making a push with maps.
Have you seen maps?
What's that?
Minor attracted person.
They already have a name now.
No.
Get out of here.
What?
Pull it up, Shifty.
You two plugged into this.
Or you there, Gaggy.
My what?
Minor attracted person.
Somebody tried to make it a thing, but I think it was pretty roundly like, no.
Yeah, yeah.
Hopefully.
Well, I think the idea is that you destigmatize it.
That way, if you are a pedophile, you can come out about it, blah, blah, blah, and say, maybe that's.
Hey, someone help me.
We should do that.
We should use that as like a trick, and then we just shoot them.
Yeah, yeah, that's a great idea.
We normalize, we're like, yeah, you're just a minor attracted person.
And then we just.
What if they haven't done anything wrong yet, though?
Say again?
What if they haven't done anything?
Just the risk of it.
Just to be safe.
It's just, we don't give the pedophiles to the, not the pedophiles.
We don't give the little crazy people the guns.
That's true.
Right?
They got a gun.
Right.
Some say they do.
Professor who said pedophiles should be called minor attractive person agrees to resign.
Oh, shit.
Well, all right.
Well, that's good news.
These people are getting pushed out a little bit.
And Old Dominion, that's funny.
But then there was a whole Twitter argument about the same thing.
They were like, oh, we could curb all the pedophiles if we just come up with like AI-generated porn for them.
Oh, interesting.
That way, like, I mean, it's bullshit because no one's ever watched porn and been like, oh, yeah, I'm good.
I'll stop right there.
That's true.
No, I mean, it just like feeds the kids are not having sex as much because they watch so much porn.
So maybe seeing all the sex makes them want to have it less.
You think it's porn that's making them not have sex?
I don't think it's porn.
What do you think it is?
Being losers.
That's too.
I think it's the social disconnection.
Like if most of your life is virtual, like you're not necessarily around people in the same way.
That's a good point.
If you're doing like a- But then to that end, porn is essentially virtual sex.
That's great.
So it does kind of work.
But no one's like, oh, I watch porn.
I'm never going to have sex again.
You're saying most of your life is virtual, meaning most of your life is spent like scrolling on Instagram.
You're like, oh, I'm going to have a LAN party instead of like going out and having an actual party.
And so like there's just disconnect.
Metaverse.
Yeah, exactly.
And so like those interactions where, oh, yeah, like we're drinking, there's a girl here.
Just that.
Metaverse.
No, a land party.
Yeah, LAN.
That's a landline.
I don't know what that is.
He's just like, I don't want to like talk to people.
That's all I'm like some internet shit, bro.
We got a landline, bro.
Virtual Sex Reality00:03:46
And I got a landline.
You got Wi-Fi.
They got a landline.
Yeah, exactly.
That's where they play computer games and shit.
Okay.
Is that LARPing?
What is LARPing?
That's when you do it in real life.
Live action roleplay.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm learning.
But yeah, like if you're doing...
You knew what that was out?
Yeah.
How'd you know?
LARPing?
No, LAN.
I don't know, but I just knew.
I knew it too.
And I knew it in the way you knew it.
I knew it was the internet hangout, bro.
What is this?
I knew it was the internet hangout, bro.
Really?
I knew that's what it was.
Yeah.
It's sort of an internet hangout.
Miles, did anybody ask you?
Yeah, it's not really like only internet.
It's like you bring all your consoles to someone's house and then you like kick it.
Wait, what?
Man, they're alert.
You hang out with your consoles at someone's house.
And then you all play together, but all on different screens, all in someone's room.
At least they're together.
Okay, Norman, tell them where they can find you.
Tell them where they can see you.
Did you always speak like that?
Yeah, it's a problem.
Your voice is very unique.
It's a problem.
And I'm from Louisiana, where everybody has an accent.
I just didn't have it.
So you didn't come up with like a comedy voice.
You know, I wish.
This is a detriment.
I relate to you a little because I get that too.
People are like, oh, you talk like you're black or whatever like that.
So like people think I'm faking a voice.
You grew up in New York.
But I grew up, but people who aren't from here don't get it.
Right.
So he doesn't sound like people.
I know he doesn't.
So I guess I understand like the confusion of people that see you and then they go, oh, this person is doing something that I haven't seen before.
Right, right.
Yeah, no, but I'm like, I got fucked with on West 3rd last week.
Some guy was like trying to, like a homeless guy.
And I was like going back and forth with him.
And my friend walked up and the guy started pushing me and I started pushing him.
And my friend walked up and he was like, oh, I thought you were doing a bit.
Like, I thought that was a joke with the guy.
And I was like, no, I was, I thought I was trying to fight me.
He's fighting for my life.
But he's like, with your voice, you sound like you're doing a bit.
I was like, no, I was like, fuck you, bitch.
I'll kill you.
He was so serious.
Homeless guy duty that you got no fight with him.
He called me a bitch.
You slept with my girlfriend.
He was saying incest wouldn't be a thing.
I said, no, no.
But he just called me a bitch.
And, you know, like a whole, he was calling everybody a bitch.
And I just snapped.
You live.
Dude, the village is getting crazy.
He had the same story.
Oh, my God.
I snapped on my neighbor, bro, because he was violating me.
Calling him a bitch.
Really?
But I had my headphones on because I didn't know he was calling me a bitch.
And then I asked him about it.
He asked me what time it was.
And then the second I put my fucking headphones on, he called me a bitch again.
He told you what time it was.
He did.
He told me what time it was.
Yeah, that's crazy.
So I charged at him with my golden doodle.
I didn't, when the whole thing was happening, I didn't realize what a bitch I looked like holding a golden doodle.
And now, like, I almost like understand him waiting.
You agree in a way?
When he was calling me, I was like, yo, this is a psychopath, like, living among us.
Yeah.
Like, I was like, there's no way he could possibly.
Yeah, like, I was like, this is what, these are people who shoot up places.
Like, I got homeblazer with a dog.
Bro, I had a blazer and a golden doodle on a leash leaning up on a curb, like talking on my headphones at night with the pain.
Half of my calf.
It was like he described me appropriately.
Like, it wasn't that crazy.
In a way.
Yeah.
You're like, I am a bad doodle.
I'm going to say it's a compliment.
You're a bad bitch.
If he called me a bad bitch, if he called me a bad bitch, Mark called me a bad bitch.
I'm not going to lie.
If he was like, he was like, I was like, what'd you say?
He was like, no, I'm saying you're a bad bitch.
I'd be like, all right.
Psychopath Among Us00:01:16
I'd say, all right.
I wouldn't be offended, but I'd be like, all right.
Talking to the dog.
Yeah, that's good.
That's a bitch.
She is a bitch.
She is a female dog, technically.
Even though you describe her as a male every day.
Yeah, that's my, yeah, that's a male, bro.
You don't know what that dog is, dude.
Dogs have fluidity.
When doves around my dog, gets it popping with doves.
Yeah, fucking dove.
Orange is the new black.
That's how much women love dove, yo.
Yeah.
Even female dogs trying to fuck this.
Yeah.
Anyway, Norman.
Norman, tell them where they can find you.
Tell them everything.
Check out my YouTube special.
Out to lunch.
I got Tuesday Stories.
We might be drunk.
And MarkNormanComedy.com for dates.
I'm all over the road.
I'm going every weekend.
Where are you coming?
This is going to come out Thursday.
So where are you going to be out this weekend?
This weekend.
I'm at McGooby's and Irvine.
Pomoni.
Yes.
And then all kinds of Chicago at the Vic, Pantages Theater in Minneapolis, you name it.