Andrew Schulz jokingly campaigns for president with absurd policies like replacing Greta Thunberg with Euphoria characters and mandating abortions by NRA members, while proposing to Airbnb the White House. The hosts debate Will Smith's career decline, Tupac's alleged survival, and Montreal's dating dynamics before analyzing Stephen Hawking's potential infidelity and Caleb Presley's controversial Dubai trip. They conclude by discussing the ethics of coma awareness, funeral etiquette, and Gerard Carmichael's SNL hosting, blending satire with dark observations on mortality and celebrity culture. [Automatically generated summary]
Ukraine needs a man that spent some time in a foxhole.
The economy.
Americans have lost 10% of their wealth to inflation.
My solution, higher, cheaper labor.
Nope, not illegal immigrants.
Women.
I'm a progress.
Abortion?
Mandatory.
And can only be done by a licensed NRA member.
They know how to get one out of the chamber.
Wow.
Wow.
My citizenship, there will never be a question where I was born.
The USA, baby.
Even if my nose looks like it was designed to exhale hookah.
Critical race theory?
Let Chris Rock teach it.
And there's two sides.
Black people.
Wrong joke.
Whoever did that is fired.
Illegal immigration.
How do we fix it?
Wet t-shirt contests in the Rio Grande.
Yeah, now we'll call them wet fronts.
You're going to have to show.
You're going to have to show more than a green card to cross this border because in America, we only accept the best of the breasts.
So, my fellow Americans, I am here to serve you with integrity, honesty, and the fake news that satisfies your emotions.
I'm Andrew Schultz, the liar you can trust.
Thank you very much.
Thank you for all being here.
I appreciate all of you.
Thank you for getting dressed up.
Are you down for it?
I mean, I think we need the first real Indian vice president.
You are going to be my vice.
Obviously.
And that is a great point.
Kamala's not Indian enough.
You know what?
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
I started a little group that I think could really get things moving.
If you'd like to wear one, I have one.
Andrew Schultz March.
Yes, you know.
Hindus for Schultz.
Hindus for Schultz.
For a greater America.
For a greater America.
Because look, you could say America great again.
It didn't happen.
It's not great enough.
You can finish the job for a greater America.
I love that.
For a greater America.
Hesi for Prezi.
Hesi for Prezi.
I love it.
I, Alex, Alex, you obviously are my head of security.
Miles, you just keep doing the pod.
Just forever.
We don't need you doing anything else.
Even if we're not recording, I want you there three times a week, just press and play and organizing cameras.
Dove has the most important job.
Be Jewish.
Yeah, also that.
Secretary of Treasury is what you would think.
But pollution is a big issue, so he'll just take his nose up in the air and suck up all the smog.
This is brilliant.
You've really thought this out.
You're a great vice president.
Holy shit.
I've been saying this for years.
You for president.
I love it.
Sure, it took Joe Rogan saying it one time.
All of a sudden, we're doing it, but whatever.
It all is on the side.
Influence is influence, baby.
I don't know what to tell you.
I'm doing this for the people.
I'm not doing this for me.
Hey, the people deserve it.
They absolutely do.
They need it.
This is it right here.
You really are going to be my VP.
Oh, obviously, dude.
How would I not?
Oh, this is great.
What scares me is I feel like you think you actually could be president.
I am going to be president.
Like, we did this as a joke.
Like, oh, yeah, it would be funny.
Stopped being a joke about 30 minutes ago.
Yeah, it's actually good.
You put the tie and blazer on.
I was like, fuck all these losers here to be president.
It's not going to be that hard.
I think I could, I don't want to be president, but I want to get to the debates.
Oh, dude, you would smoke the debates.
The debates will be fun.
At that point, you'll kill it, and then you have to run.
But I won't accept it.
I will only accept dictator.
Oh, that'd be good, actually.
So, if they want me to be president, the negotiation becomes it is forever as long as I'm alive.
Life position.
Life position as president.
You're going full Putin.
Say again.
You're going Putin.
You know.
We got to get rid of these Nazis.
You know what I mean?
Okay.
That's a good point, man.
I like that.
I like that.
You think we got a chance?
You think we can do it?
No.
Definitely not.
Definitely not.
Where's definitely not?
Who's running?
Like, who do I have to beat out?
Who else is going to run?
Second.
Trump's running against.
You got to try to beat him.
Okay, but he could beat Trump.
I could beat Trump.
100%.
I don't think so.
But Trump is funny, but Andrew's whole life is humor.
Yeah, not funny for a non-comic.
Or whatever closet gay he's going to have, run for vice president.
I'll smoke that guy.
That's nothing.
Our gay versus their gay.
That'd be perfect.
Yeah, I'm a much sassier gay.
You also wouldn't want to be president because if you win, you have to move to DC.
No, I don't.
No, you don't.
Trump prove you don't have to do that.
But he lived in DC for a little.
Like, he had to be there sometimes.
No, he was taking vacations there.
Yeah.
He lived in Mar-a-Lago, bro.
He lived in Florida.
I'm trying to get back to Florida.
Yeah.
Yeah, I would definitely move where I was.
I would Airbnb the White House, though.
That'd be fine.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
That's how we balance the budget.
Jersey Shore House is like $4,000 a night.
Oh, Jersey Shore in the White House.
Bring it back.
Oh, I love it.
100%.
I'm saying you get $250,000 a night for the White House.
No problem.
Definitely.
Easy.
Easy.
Definitely.
Yeah, I like this.
I don't think you've actually thought it out.
What?
I think Rogan said it was a good idea.
Now you think it's a good idea, and you haven't thought.
What other industries are?
I don't think I think.
Yeah, that's true.
I just do it.
And then it ends up working out.
But then, what if they ask you?
They're going to be like, oh, Schultz, what's your position on foreign policy?
What do we do?
Well, it depends what foreign policy.
Gas prices.
What do we do about that?
Gas prices are going up.
Yep.
A lot of people is affecting a lot of people.
Can I take this one?
Sure.
Gas prices are going up.
Lower them.
That's honestly it.
I think that's brilliant, actually.
Guys, this is so easy.
I can't believe you think this is hard.
Give me another one.
He's killing it.
Okay.
What about like trans equality in America?
You don't think he supports trans?
He watches Euphoria.
He supports gays.
He got the same length of pants as Gerard Carmichael.
That's a good ass point, actually.
What else?
What else?
Hot-button topics, big issues.
I have to be ready.
I have to be prepared for this.
Or like refugees, like, would you take refugees and stuff like that?
If they can get here.
Yeah, if they find a way.
I mean, if they get turned away in a boat in the Black Sea and then end up over here, that's impressive.
Yeah, that's a good point.
Yeah, I'm pirates and shit.
That's how you started this whole shit.
I think.
I think you should be able to arrive to America by boat.
Ooh.
I like that.
You can only come here by boat.
By boat, yeah.
I love it.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Like, who's going to stop you?
Like, if you just pull up to these rivers, like, I don't think anybody's going to say you can't be here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think that's good.
No, they will say that, though.
They do say you can't be here if you just pull up.
Who's to say?
It's a Puerto Rican guy fishing.
There's no one that's going to stop you from like entering the country.
Come by boat.
People aren't coming by boat.
No, they are.
Who?
Cubans.
They don't have boats.
What do they have?
A boot.
If they had a boat, they could actually make it into this country effectively.
I'm supportive of this.
I've really solved every problem.
Al, is there anything in your community?
Oh, yeah.
They've been complaining about the racism stuff.
Yeah.
Did you forget you were black for a second?
I worked for the government.
I'm just going to say whatever you got to do.
But yes, Black Lives Matter.
How do you feel about that?
Think they matter, okay.
You think they matter, okay.
I think they matter.
That's a good point.
I don't think we should be able to touch black people at all, and I'm only gonna hire black Secret Service.
Why?
Because they hold the most secrets, yeah.
They don't snitch, they don't snitch at all.
Yeah, not snitch, black people don't snitch.
So, wherever we go, nobody's gonna know.
Okay, okay, what else?
Employment's going up, that's good, I like that.
Yes, another hot topic.
Uh, you call it a hot bucket topic, yeah.
It's not chicken, Al How do you feel about chicken?
How do I feel about chicken?
We are gonna make all the things that endanger black people illegal: fried chicken, okay, sugar, police-that's not a big issue.
We're gonna start with fried foods and sugar and see where we go.
Okay, because black lives matter to me.
You just lost the black vote.
How you just lost it, but you took away everything.
How can I lose the vote if I don't let them vote?
Oh, that's also a good point.
So, who's allowed to vote?
Say again, who's allowed to vote?
Whoever votes for me.
Oh, okay.
Oh, dictator, yeah, dictator.
Again, I'm not trying to be president over here.
We got to change some shit up.
We got to be able to compete with the Chinese.
Another one, go.
Oh, what about universal healthcare?
That's a good one.
I don't believe in it.
Why?
I've told you this before because Americans shouldn't have to pay the healthcare for the whole universe.
Okay, that's a good point.
That's a good point.
That's a good point.
Okay, that's ridiculous.
You can't cover it.
That's why it's so expensive.
Maybe if we just started with America, it would be affordable.
Okay, so what about American healthcare?
Obviously, I'll provide that.
How?
How do you get a pay for you?
Go to the hospital.
They fix you.
They never said no.
Who's paying the docs?
Don't pay them.
That's a good point, actually.
No, I actually think it's near to the end.
Watch.
I've thought this through.
Think it.
Keep going.
What happened?
Don't pay.
These are your docs.
What are they going to do?
Mainly your people.
Well, it's about time my parents stopped being proud of doctors and not me.
Now look how fucking broke they are.
Dumbasses.
Also, a good point.
Sage old idiot.
This is all solved, really, when you think about it.
Now, what happens with your medical bills when you die?
Nothing.
They get passed on to.
I think that's student loans only.
I think you're confusing different loans.
What do you mean they get passed on to the American public?
It's a free rider problem.
Like, we all have to absorb like it gets wiped out of your credit now.
So it don't even affect your credit to not pay your medical bills.
We got free health care.
We just, it just Canadians don't pay for it on the front end.
We only got to pay for it on the back end.
It's the same.
Yeah, whatever.
Who deserves to actually pay your medical bills, dude?
Yeah.
Don't be a sucker, bro.
That's a sucker.
Go to the hospital, take their fucking shit, and then leave.
Hell yeah.
And then when they call, just don't answer.
Yeah.
You act like you ain't got cholera anyway.
You got to ghost them, bro.
This is what you got to do.
I can't believe that.
Like, you could ignore a girl who's calling you, but you can't ignore the hospital, dude.
Fuck the hospital.
Ghost the hospital 2024.
What the hell are they going to do?
They're going to come to your door.
Protect Your Woman00:14:53
Some nerd in smocks.
What are they called?
Scrugs.
Drugs.
Smock.
What's up, everybody?
As you know, I'm running for president, and the best way to win the minds and hearts of the people is to give them money.
You're about to get the Hesi for Prezi stimulus.
Do you see these QR codes right here?
Yeah, you scan that QR code and you're the first one to do it.
You're going to get paid.
We're going to have multiple throughout the episode.
Happy hunting, my friends.
You're welcome.
Schultz 2024, the liar you can trust.
Let's get into it.
Outside of me being president in the near future, big things.
Okay.
Will Smith Jada?
Anything else that we saw from that that was funny?
Tony Rock, man.
Tony Rock going wild.
I love it, dude.
Did you like it?
I thought it was corny.
Why?
Fight me shit.
Like, just be funny.
No, I'll be a comedian.
I'm going to do that in real life, though.
Well, actually, fun people.
At a show on the laugh factory, not like, not the actual fight, but somebody was upset by some crowd work he was doing.
Yeah.
And he was like, I'll see you later.
And then Tony Rock goes, you ain't going to do shit right there.
And then he goes, you know why you're going to do shit?
Because his whole top row was with me.
And they just pointed all his top face homies in the top row.
And I was like, no, he keeps that same energy.
That guy will always talk shit.
He don't care.
And even the funniest part was, I got nothing to lose.
That's what I'm saying.
I thought it was really oh, and that's funny.
The fame gap.
Yeah, that's funny.
I don't know.
I just like, I don't know.
Just be funny about it.
There's so much room for jokes.
Like, I don't even know if you got to threaten these motherfuckers.
It's different because that's family.
Yeah, you know, so obviously maybe it's different.
I would react that way.
But I really want to see what Rock got to say about it.
Well, apparently, he got a standing ovation the next time he went on stage.
Yeah.
But he didn't say nothing.
Somebody said, fuck Chris Rock or fuck Will Smith.
And then he silenced them.
He was like, no, we don't need that.
Yeah.
They started a fuck Will Smith chant during the show.
Oh, there you go.
Yo, people hate Will right now.
I mean, it is crazy.
Like, there's nobody.
I feel like initially, like, day one, is people on Will's side.
You still see a few, huh?
You still see a few.
But yeah, it definitely has gone.
There's women and guys that cheat on their girl.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Those are the only people who support Will Smith.
Only I get to disrespect my wife.
Exactly.
You got to protect all these dudes.
You got to protect your woman.
You fuck other women.
Yeah.
100% guaranteed.
You're overcompensating because you're the Jada in your relationship.
Any guy that's faithful loves the fact that his wife got pissed off in public.
Why?
Because you can't do it.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, dude, this happened this weekend.
I was in the fucking Bahamas and how was it?
It was actually really nice.
But we're in the Bahamas and I realize how my relationship is evolving a little bit.
I was at a casino and I'm playing blackjack and I see my wife try to cross through the blackjack pit.
Oh, no, no, no.
Okay.
You know, nobody was there.
So she tries to walk behind the table, basically, to walk through, right?
And she tries to cut through.
And then the casino, like the pit boss, walks over and he's like, he's like, Miss, you can't cross through.
Now she got about halfway through.
Okay.
And I'm looking at my wife and she doesn't immediately turn around.
And I'm like, I know exactly what this goes.
I know exactly what this is.
She's going to say, I'm already halfway through.
Why don't I just go all the other half?
Yeah.
You would never do such a thing.
No, no, I'm not.
That's why we're married.
Right?
I 100% would do the same thing.
I'd be like, it's the same way.
Why are you going to make me walk down?
But the pit guy, his job is to keep people out of the fucking pit, right?
So I see my wife go, but I'm already half.
It's the same distance just to go the other half.
Why don't I just go the other half?
And the guy goes, I don't care.
Get out of the pit.
And I literally went, you tell her.
You tell her, bro.
Tell her what to do because you don't have to worry about shit.
She's already going to not fuck you.
Do you know what I mean?
She can't give you the cold shoulder kit.
She can't do none of that shit.
So I was rooting for that motherfucker.
Anybody who could tell my wife what to do without repercussions?
Yeah.
You're on their team.
I tipped him.
I tipped him.
I gave him $25.
I flicked a quarter to him.
And my wife, are you really on his side?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I need a higher security for my wife, yo.
I need a higher security to discipline my wife.
Because I can't discipline my wife.
That's what I need.
Al, that's you, bro.
Yeah, no.
No.
Not.
I like being here.
I don't know why we even talk about it.
Oh, yeah.
So, like, yeah, I guess Will just can't admit that.
Yeah.
Right?
And now he's taken off all his projects.
They like halted bad boys.
They like, apparently was, they, like, changed Madagascar shit because Jada was in the movie or something.
What was she?
Uh-oh.
What was she playing in Madagascar?
Dog at the zoo that was just hanging out.
Come on, queen.
Come on.
This is bad for his platform.
Yeah, come on.
I need black women to support me, dude.
Yeah.
That's fine.
They can all support you except Jada.
That's true.
Also, isn't Jada half white?
No.
No, half pool cue.
Is that what I meant?
It was pool cue, right?
That's what I meant to say.
Wait, is the Q the ball?
Yeah, okay, good.
I wasn't sure.
I thought it might be the stick.
No, the Q is the stick with the Q ball.
Y'all knew what the fuck I did.
Y'all laughed at the right thing, even though I didn't get the word right.
Okay.
No, she's half black, half witch.
Oh, my God.
Sorceress.
Damn, bro.
Sorceress.
This guy's serious, dude.
Yeah.
Do you believe in sorcery in Hinduism?
I do now.
After seeing Jada.
But is it part of the religion?
No.
100% not?
No.
Okay.
There's no like devil demon shit.
No, no, no.
You just get reincarnated.
You just keep going.
Really?
There's no help.
So what's the shit with the little snake coming out there, little thing?
Oh, yeah, the magic, though.
Power, bro.
It's just power.
That's power.
That's sorcery power.
Nah, but you got that in you.
You know what I mean?
You just don't do it because you're a little bitch.
Oh, shit.
We also don't have snakes.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
We also live in the first world.
Yeah.
Gay.
That's a gay place to be, the first world.
Gay.
Yeah.
It was crazy to see what happened with the whole wheel shit, man.
I wonder what he's going through now.
He has another Netflix project that they put on Paul's.
Oh, they really just pause everything.
He's done.
I mean, not done, but he's like, they're like, yo, you can't do anything right now.
Jesus, dude.
If you thought people fucked your wife now.
Imagine when you can't even provide for her.
Oh, my God, dog.
Yeah, when you're a D-list actor, she's going to be getting the D-list.
That's what's going to be happening.
I don't know if we talked about this, but like, if he just came out and he just said, did we discuss this on this podcast?
Like, if he just came out and he was like, listen, it's really hard for me that people fuck my wife.
Oh, yeah.
We talked about this, right?
Okay.
Because I think that's all he has to do to get out of this.
Just admit that that's what you really struggled with.
You tried your hardest to get around it.
You can't fucking get around it.
It's hard.
How could you possibly?
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
You know what's funny is the only way he gets us back really is if he divorces her.
Say again.
If he divorced her, we'd all be like, yo, this guy's out of there.
God bless him.
Give him his movies back.
Oh, yeah, 100%.
Divorce her and blame her for everything.
Yeah.
Even though you're a loser and you're not, you know, being personally accountable, just fucking blame her, dude.
Just fucking blame.
We want Will back.
Do you know what I mean?
He drops another Independence Day and it's like, you know, double meaning.
You know what I mean?
Dude, a new album.
I love it.
He's got to drop like, what's like the lemonade for guys?
I don't know if we have one.
But like, you know, Beyonce dropped lemonade.
Remember when she was going to leave Jay-Z?
Well, the name of the movie that's in post-production that Netflix would like to release, it's Anton Fuca directing.
It's called Emancipation.
No.
Oh, fuck.
That's hilarious.
Emancipation.
What is it about your name?
About like a famous slave.
Have you seen that picture, the one with all the scars on his back?
Bro, you know what's crazy is that this is where Will's career is now.
Will never even play Black Guys.
Wow.
Yeah.
Isn't that interesting?
He just played leading man.
And now he's playing a slave, bro.
Yeah.
Fuck.
Son, he's playing Django 2.
And it's not even Django 2.
How fucking sad is that?
Yeah.
Nobody cares anymore.
Yo, that's fucked up, dude.
Al, can you weigh in on this so we don't feel racist?
Yeah, I'm actually on you.
Anton Fuqua, training day.
Legendary director.
I'm on board.
I feel bad for Will, though.
Sega?
I just feel bad for Will because he's one of my heroes, and it's just like, damn.
Yeah.
To see this decline, it's like, it sucks.
Yeah, but it's been really good for us.
Oh, yeah.
Like, we went crazy viral.
Yeah, dumb viral, bro.
Dumb viral.
2.2 million on YouTube.
You got 2.3 million on your roast alone on Reddit.
Yeah.
Last I checked, that was like four days ago.
10 million on TikTok.
Fucking crazy.
Most importantly, Phil DeFranco.
Yo, yo, oh, yeah.
Shout out to Phil D. Phil DeFranco.
Shout us out.
Love that guy.
You beautiful bastard.
That's how he starts every video.
What's up, you beautiful bastards?
Yo, honestly, shouts to Jada, dude.
Yeah.
Thank you for the career boost.
Yeah.
You fucked your husband's career, but it's about time you fucked something to his.
Yeah, right?
Finally, you know?
Yeah.
What?
Did she say anything at all or no?
She had a post on ID that said something like, This is the season for healing, and I'm all for it.
And you know what's fucked about that?
Yeah.
In the red table talk where they talk about August El Cena, she said something to the effect of, it just felt so good to heal someone.
So if healing to you is fucking other dudes, you know, if I'm Chris Rock, I'm going to be like, yeah, let's heal.
Let's get it.
Yeah, Chris got to come back with a banger.
He really got to come back.
But that's the thing.
He can't work out his shit.
Like, I know you said, like, oh, I wish he talked about it.
Like, he's in a theater.
You're not going to work out material.
Yeah, because they're going to videotape it.
It's going to be uncooked.
Yeah, take phones.
They'll probably do it, but you got to take phones.
Yeah.
On top of that, like, why would you do it on something you can't sell?
You know what I mean?
Like, you work your shit out in private, like, try to lock up people's phones and shit, and then sell it in your special that drops in eight months.
Yeah.
And then everyone's like, that just raises the price of it.
Yeah, everybody can't wait to see.
I mean, I want to go see it.
Yeah.
But if he's coming out saying, I'm not going to address this just yet, then I don't give a fuck.
Yeah, not yet.
I mean, that's tough, dude.
Not so I can make money on it.
And I don't want to work it out in front of 3,000 people.
Yeah.
And the way that he creates bits, like he actually puts, you know, sitting there, pen to paper, like really thinking about it.
Yeah, it's not, it's not just, he's not just winging it.
And that's something you got to be, you know, delicate about.
Also, he's probably sitting there and thinking, like, wondering how the world is going to react.
Because that knee-jerk day one reaction isn't what it's like two weeks later.
So if you're writing the joke for the knee-jerk day one, and then two weeks later, the public sentiment is completely shifted.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like now that most of like the influential people outside of like the actor losers have come out and said that Chris Will Smith is an idiot.
Yeah.
He just looks more heroic the more time goes by.
Yeah.
Or not Chris Ellen Saylor.
So now the meaner your jokes are almost the more of an asshole you look like.
No, you could be justified in that.
Well, I was going to say you might go too far and people are like, yo, we already like you, dog.
You don't got to go this hard.
It could flip.
It's like a fine line.
They'll let you rock to a degree.
But then if it gets too vicious, like if there's too many shots about JD getting fucked by August Alcina and, you know, hopefully for everybody else's sake, Tupac in her life.
Yeah.
Then you can't, people are going to be like, eh, we liked you.
Why are you doing this?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Somebody told me that like she made Jaden write a letter to Tupac or something.
I don't know.
Willow, they don't know if it's real or not, but Willow wrote a letter to Tupac when she was 11 saying, like, I know you're still alive.
Please come back.
Mommy misses you.
I know you were her best friend or something like that.
There's no way, bro.
Yeah, I don't know if the letter is real, but.
Where'd you see that?
It's a thing that's on all the news sites, but they don't know if it's real, even on the news sites.
On all the news sites.
Yeah, all the news sites.
CNN covers it?
Yeah, yeah.
You think CNN wouldn't cover it?
Fucking dorks.
What else they got to do?
NPR has got to story right now.
Yeah, there's no way.
Yeah, I can't believe it.
One, like putting that up publicly, and secondly, just believing that Tupac's alive.
Yeah.
Of course, you believe Tupac.
There is something interesting, though.
Did you see the video of like Will Smith talking in that roundtable where he's like, you know, I was cheated on early in my relationship early in my life?
And he goes, I vowed after that I would never be cheated on again.
Yeah, that's a lot.
Yeah.
Poor guy.
Also, how do you control that, though?
Yeah.
I don't know how you're like, I'm never going to be cheated on that.
He controlled it.
It's not cheating if your wife's allowed to get fucked by everybody in the neighborhood.
Do you know what I mean?
Can you imagine how terrifying it is when Jaden brings a friend over?
Dude, that's the craziest thing.
Is this the next guy who's going to fuck your wife?
Oh my God.
Do you know what I mean?
Like you're making pancakes and her just head is slamming against the wall.
Right?
You're like, Jaden, where's your friend?
Oh, he's finishing up with mom.
That's crazy, dude.
Yeah, it's crazy.
Yeah, it's crazy.
That would make you crazy.
I feel crazy thinking about that.
Like, also, Jaden's got to be like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
My friends fuck my mom.
And your friends are like the coolest.
Like, everyone Jaden's friend with is either like an RB singer, a rapper, a musician.
Like, dude, Justin Bieber's up in the crib.
You don't think he pounded out Jada a couple times?
Okay.
I hope so for both their sites.
Also, Jada's batting above average.
Like, she'd be getting dudes, dude.
Yeah.
Sorcery.
That is it.
That's how you know she's a witch because she's like a seven.
Nah, Jada.
Jada's beautiful.
I see, I saw old pictures of her and I was like, oh, shit.
She's still beautiful.
But I was telling Mark, I was like, yo, I just fuck.
I forgot how beautiful she was.
The picture of her kissing Tupac?
Man, old man.
Did you give her a seven?
Yeah.
She's definitely above a seven.
You think?
Yeah, strong eight.
But she had your fucking 19-year-old RB stars.
Granted, they just had a drug addiction, but like, you know, they're still impressive.
That's a good point.
Yeah, they're musicians.
Like, they're all addicted to drugs.
This is.
You okay, Bala?
Yeah.
What just happened?
What happened to you, dog?
Everything fine, dude.
Oh, you got to go on the massage chairs that we were in this weekend.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I posted this thing on my story of Dove in a massage chair at Airport, and his titties were shaking.
I just had to share it.
And 200,000 people watched the story.
And the funniest thing, he was like, take that down, take that down.
And I'm like, whatever, like, you got tits.
Like, it's not a big deal.
He goes, no, it looks like I have dandruff.
And I was like, dandruff?
That's what you're worried about?
Not your fat fucking tits?
All over my apartment.
Absolutely.
Really?
Little crumbs, yeah.
But it wasn't that bad.
You're sitting down over here.
Shut the fuck up.
Okay.
He doesn't need some materials.
I do need some material.
He wouldn't even tell me who we went on a date with last night.
Gamer Sups Promo00:04:31
Oh, why not, Dove?
Who did you want to date?
Nothing.
You mean nothing?
This is the time to talk about it.
Come on.
Be a mench.
Do you know how many times that this has not worked out well for me?
Speaking?
Has this ever happened?
Has it ever happened yet?
Just speaking.
No, why?
What happened?
Less.
What happened on the date?
Mon drink no sex?
Great date.
He's relaxed today.
Yeah, it's true.
He's relaxed and confident.
I think you had sex.
It was a great day.
Has it ever been an issue?
A girl heard something you said on the pod and prevented you from hooking up?
I don't understand.
Why are you so shrouded?
That's not true.
There's no way.
Let me just say this.
The pod's ever gotten me a girl.
That's like a change.
A pod never got you the girl.
Not about live shows.
Dove's just walking around the streets just picking up girls.
If you go to the show, Dove's like, everything will get perfectly set up for the show.
Everything's fine.
And then we're like, oh, where's Dove?
And then someone would be like, oh, yeah, he's just wandering the lobby right now looking for business.
Just looking for, it's absolutely amazing.
Just recruiting.
He was just wandering the streets of Montreal for two days.
He got there two days early, wandering the streets, handing out fucking tickets.
I bet he wears those same shoes, hoping somebody will recognize him from the camera.
He just walks around with the open laptop.
This is him backwards walking around.
Infamous tour, Radio City Music Hall.
I cannot wait.
Both shows sold out.
There might be a couple single seats left.
You go get them.
After that, we're coming to Atlantic City, New Jersey.
And then the final shows of the infamous tour are going to be in Vancouver.
Okay?
Two shows.
Amazing theater.
Go check them out.
DeAndrewSchultz.com is crazy.
The infamous show is coming to an end.
There are literally five more total shows of the infamous tour.
The last time you'll be able to see it.
So go check out one of them.
We love you.
Appreciate you.
And we'll see you out there.
Tampa.
I'm going to be at the improv this weekend, Friday and Saturday.
Bring that ass through.
Also, Toronto.
Hurry the fuck up.
The Saturday late show is sold out.
There are less than 100 tickets left total.
I promise they will sell out this week.
You guys better cop them tickets quickly.
And Bridgeport, Connecticut.
I'm coming to the Stress Factory.
It might be Fairfield.
That might be Bridgeport.
State is so small, it don't fucking matter.
I'm coming to Connecticut, Stress Factory.
Those tickets and shows for tickets for all my other shows are on AkashSing.com.
Now, let's get back to the show.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because nerds need to stay awake.
Okay, some of you looking a little drowsy-eyed over there because you haven't hit up that gamer sups.
That gamer sups is going to keep you up all night long, whether you're studying for a test or playing Fortnite.
Gamer Sups has got your back.
Matter of fact, if you order some Gamer Sups, you're going to get these waifus.
You're going to get these waifus that flip online for $300, $500.
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If you want to beat off and fill one up yourself, you can do that.
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Get it in.
Now let's get back to it.
But no, he had a couple girls come through.
Yeah, nice.
Dove gets it in his joints.
He gets it.
Every weekend, he goes, he texts me.
He goes, Are there any people that you need tickets for or access to the green room after the show?
Almost every weekend, I say, No.
That's what I'm saying.
There are 60 people in the fucking green room.
I mean, it's insane.
They all look like Doug.
They are all his cousins.
His whole family's inbred.
And I don't mean that in a bad way, but they look so similar.
It's absolutely shocking.
It is shocking.
His whole family's inbred.
And I don't mean that in a bad way.
What the fuck is that?
You know what I mean?
It's a bad way.
I mean, French, Moroccan Jews look alike and look alike.
But for what reason?
Like, come here.
Half that room was the French Moroccan Jewish owner's friends that were coming down.
Scrubs COVID Warriors Joke00:05:39
And okay.
Okay.
And then Vala had some people up too.
Who are these gamers?
Vaila ain't writing up no Jews, bro.
He always throws Bala under the bus.
By the way, and Vala only brought Jews.
That's the crazy thing I'm talking about.
Anyway, point is: we had a nice weekend.
I heard you got into a little long car drive or something like that.
What is this?
I saw Yo here.
You had to go to Ohio.
I saw it in the story.
He drove 11 hours or some shit like that.
Yo, you trying to care about what your friends are going through?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But maybe there's something funny.
This is better, actually.
This is better.
I'm at Doctor.
Who drove?
What's his face?
Kev.
Kev, Kev.
Now, when he drives, or does he just carry on his back?
How do you guys get to Toledo?
Hey, look, I gotta ride like Honduras.
Ohio, hold on.
I gotta ride Hodor like Hodor.
He really got you.
Yo, this is actually funny.
And I forgot to tell the story before.
We were.
Well, don't jinx it.
We didn't mess that up.
No, we're doing a show in San Antonio.
I know how I forgot this.
And I'm talking to this kid up front, and he's sitting next to a guy in full scrubs.
I'm like, what do you do?
Are you a doctor?
And he's like, no, I'm a nurse.
And then I start kind of clowning them.
And the kid next to him is just completely straight facing me the whole time.
Like this.
And then I'll ask him questions.
He'll just go.
And I'm just like, this guy's a real dickhead.
And then I start teasing him and he never smiles once.
So I start kind of making the whole joke, like, oh, this guy sucks.
Oh, this guy's going to kill me after the show.
Blah, blah, blah.
You know, when you have somebody that you fuck with for the entire duration of the show?
Yeah.
And then I'm legit a little scared because he looks so fucking unhappy.
Yeah.
And then at the end of the show, I'm doing the meet and greet.
I'm saying hi to everybody.
See, he's last in line.
So he's been waiting for me.
And I'm like, oh, fuck, this is a problem.
It's a big motherfucker.
And then he walks up to me.
I'm like, what's up, man?
How are you?
You okay?
And then he pulls out two hearing aids.
And I'm like, oh, I was making fun of a deaf person for 60 minutes straight.
Did he respond at all?
No, I was like, yo, all you should really take from this is them fucking hearing aids don't work.
Yeah.
That's what they're hearing what you can pick up on.
When you ask him questions, did he say anything?
He would just go.
And I was like, why you keep fucking shrugging at me, bro?
And you just laugh?
Didn't he?
He gave me a couple of smiles.
I would see in the corner of my eye when I'm looking this way, he would smile.
And then if I looked at him, he'd straight face again.
Well, yeah, I'd be nervous too.
This guy's going to talk to me.
I don't know what the fuck he's saying.
Yeah, yeah.
In hiding 400 people, you just hear now.
Knowing he hears.
That's not how he talks, you assholes.
That's what you guys are thinking.
Now that's probably how he talks.
No, you laugh.
Fucking wookie.
He just sounded like me.
Now, it makes sense why he was doing that.
But at the time, I was like, you won't even let me smile, you dickhead.
Yeah.
60 straight minutes, I fried this kid, and I felt so bad after as I see him reach in his ear and pull out two hearing aids.
I was like, are you fucking kidding me?
He was in the very front, though?
Yes, dude.
Very front.
Dead ass.
I'm here.
He's where Andrew is.
He's that close.
I mean, sit him next to the speaker or something.
Not in the front row.
Like Beethoven.
Let him listen to the vibrations.
I'm just heading on the floor.
It sounds funny.
I couldn't fucking believe it, dog.
That's the worst I've ever felt making fun of.
What's his name?
He's probably watching this with subtitles on right now.
Change the side.
I was like, what's talking about you?
Hey, Dushar, you remember his name?
He was Pakistani.
He was Pakistani.
That's what I thought he wasn't laughing at first.
Explosions will take away your hearing.
Oh, piece of shit.
I think it was a good joke.
I think it was a good joke.
You maybe didn't hear it properly.
Okay.
Son of a bitch.
A Pakistani that can't hear.
Yeah.
Whoa.
Abusive Pakistani family, which I thought was redundant.
Wait, he said that?
Yes.
He said his family was abused.
Well, he told Dushar.
He didn't tell me.
Well, how'd he say it to you?
You sure he wasn't just speaking Urdu, dude?
Wait, but he really said I come from an abusive family.
He told Dushar that.
He didn't tell me that.
That's the first thing he said.
He was like, abusive Pakistani family, and I've been to a lot.
And he was a nurse, so that's probably why they beat the shit out of him because he wasn't a doctor.
He was a nurse as well.
You can't be a deaf nurse.
He had a shirt that's a COVID warrior, which I was like, you don't need to be wearing that this late.
Yeah.
I mean, it's 2022.
That's over.
Yeah.
And also, he can't hear the claps.
But still, a deaf nurse.
I mean, there's certain jobs.
Like, I want, you know, everybody to do whatever, but like, Al, you were a nurse.
Yeah, you need to be aware.
Did you be a deaf nurse?
You need hearing.
You think he takes a stethoscope and puts it over their mouth when they talk?
No, that's crazy.
I don't think that guy was a nurse, bro.
I don't know.
I think he just wore that shit.
His friend next to him was in full scrubs.
He was not.
And that was another reason I was clowning him.
He was in shorts and a t-shirt to say COVID warriors.
When people wear scrubs, not at their job.
Yeah, that's what I said.
Like, not on the way home, but like, you just, like, you're wearing it in the middle of the night.
Trying to get pussy.
That's what I told him.
Right?
Yeah.
Big doctor told me.
It feels like you're trying, you know?
You'll see him out with the hat on, too, with like the full Scrubs hat and the whole deal.
Like, really?
Yeah, like, not like they're going out to get a coffee during a lunch break.
Yeah.
But, like, they're just like, I'm going to wear this the whole day.
Yeah.
And you want us to be impressed?
Right?
Save someone.
Yeah.
Right?
How many people died of COVID?
Some.
Hundreds of thousands.
Allegedly.
Maybe none.
Who knows, though?
No, good ass point.
Maybe none.
Just saying.
It could be none.
You never know, dude.
Could just be the fluid.
WrestleMania Fight Talk00:02:12
He's right.
It could be none.
But yeah, I think a million right now is what it is in America.
In America, I think it's a million people that have died of COVID.
Yo, that's mad people, yo.
Yeah, that's a lot.
A million?
Yeah, it's quite a bit.
Yeah.
Jesus.
Platinum, bro.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
Get the plaque going.
Get him a record.
No, a million is hella, bro.
Yeah, that's that's a lot.
God damn.
Yeah.
And people are still denying it?
Yeah.
What?
Why me?
I'm somebody you know.
No, I don't know anyone that's denied it.
I know people that deny it.
They say it's more.
Oh, they believe it's more.
They believe more people have died.
Those people are cucks, dude.
That's cuck shit.
Yeah.
Did you guys catch WrestleMania at all?
No, but I heard about it.
My brother texted me to tell me how good Logan Paul was.
He's really good.
I'm not even a wrestling fan.
I was just watching.
I was like, yeah, this kid's really fucking good.
I mean, yeah, these kids are just stars.
Yeah.
Pat McAfee.
I saw highlights of McAfee.
That motherfucker was incredible, dude.
Yeah.
He got a stone-cold stunner, and he was like drinking water, and then he got kicked and got the stunner.
And then instead of falling, he stood up, spit up all the water, and then like fainted.
Like, he just got it.
He really sold it.
Knew exactly how to work McAfee.
We got to get McAfee on a podcast.
Hell yeah, dude.
If they asked you to do WrestleMania, would you do it, though?
Yeah, sure.
Really?
Yeah.
That's president.
Trump did it.
I would do it as president for sure.
Yeah.
Get in front of all those people.
I don't know.
You feel like you got to be like Vince McMahon standing or something like that.
Like, you can't wrestle.
Yo, you know what I mean?
You know what you can do?
You can rock bottom the rock.
How fire would that be?
Rock likes you.
Oh, yes.
Commenting on your Instagram.
But to be a wrestler, you have to be a good actor.
To be a wrestler, you have to be a good actor to be a wrestler.
I'm not going to act.
I'm going to do it for real money.
Okay.
You're going to really rock.
The other thing I was going to say, I feel like you take it personally.
I am.
Like, someone would try to do a move on you and accidentally hit your head a little.
And you're just like, what the fuck are you doing?
Yeah.
I feel like you fight them.
Yeah, I think it, yeah, that would be fun.
Wouldn't that be fun?
Just start a fight while we're wrestling.
I think that'd be great.
And then they'd fight you back and they're huge people.
Yeah, but that'd be great for the news.
This is how you shake it up.
Yeah, that'd be great.
Flirting Instagram Comments00:12:22
I just knocked somebody out.
Some huge guy?
You don't think that'd be funny?
I mean, I don't think you're going to knock him out, but it would be funny.
Someone wrestlers knocked out.
You know how big wrestlers are?
They know how to fight for real.
I don't think they know how to fight for real.
Some of them in a fake fight.
No, some of them know how to fight.
Yo, McAfee was fucking it up, dog.
And he's a little guy.
John Cena's 6'1, like 240.
I think I could beat John Cena in a fight.
There's no way.
I do think I could.
What about the big dude that was in UFC?
Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar could beat me up.
Really?
He's an actual fighter.
I think he could beat me up.
He's massive, that guy.
Don't.
You just got to go.
You know, just give him a quick block when he goes to tackle.
You're good.
Yeah, that did work before.
I know.
It worked great and sweet.
When someone was coming after me, it worked really well.
He did bypass you because you were so intimidating.
That's why he went out.
He didn't want nothing for me.
Matter of fact, he thought you were pussy.
The dude looked at me.
He's like, I don't want it.
And then he came right after you.
That's what happened.
Yo, that might be what it is.
He did call me pussy before he came after me.
No, he did.
You remember Pussy?
Yes, dude.
I don't know if he could be your secret service anymore, dog.
Say again?
I don't know if he could be your secret service anymore.
No, I think he's gotten better.
I'm strat.
Also, he didn't have the Tim's on, bro.
Like, he didn't have you, your balance was all off.
I was like, I was trying to be a hero with it and shit like that.
Yeah, you would look crazy.
If you had the fitted hat, I think you could have, you know, there was, you know, head-butted him or something like that.
Like, it would have been good.
I was wearing like three-quarter pants like you and shit like that.
I just wasn't, I wasn't fly enough out there.
Fuck you out.
Fuck you.
I don't know why my pants ride up so high.
There's the chair because if I walk, they come down.
Pants, B.
So, so what is baggy when I walk?
No, so they actually reach your ankle.
They do when I stand up.
Something happens.
You ever have long legs?
Every time you stand up, you got to readjust, pull it down.
That's personality.
That's because I'm fat now.
Okay, that's because I've been eating a lot, duv.
Fat gag, yeah.
All right, you bought poutine at five in the morning in Montreal.
This is you.
No, I it was three o'clock, and I was gonna be hungover the next day unless we ate.
We still hung over, though.
Yeah, can we talk about how overrated poutine is?
Yeah, well, poutine's trash, son.
I'll be optional.
Montreal, amazing city, but poutine's a trash.
It's three great things, which are fries, cheese, gravy.
Sometimes when you mix things together, it doesn't work out, Mark.
Bro, he's right here, bro.
What's wrong with Christ?
He's sitting right here.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that, dude.
We believe in your bisexuality.
Think I'm gonna protect you now.
No, poutine's fire.
Okay, um, 100% fire.
Also, why did you try to miss the shows in Montreal?
I didn't try to miss the shows in Montreal.
Bro, I did everything I possibly could.
So, why did you show up five minutes before the show?
I did that because I was flying from the Bahamas, where my wife was getting disciplined the way that she needed to be.
Okay, also, why did you go to Bahamas directly to Montreal?
Why didn't you do it?
It landed at 5:50.
We have a weekend off this weekend.
We do, right?
Well, but I went to a wedding, I didn't go on vacation.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I didn't realize it was a wedding.
Yeah.
Can I tell you one thing, though?
I mean, I was scared.
There would have been a lot of unhappy people, money lost.
And the only thing I could think about when we were like, he's not going to make it.
He's stuck on this delayed flight is won't be my fault.
Why, why, why?
When your wife decided this, we always, it's a whole tour.
We have a backup to a backup to a backup, and this guy is trapped on a plane.
Yeah, but we made it.
It was all good.
That shit was fun.
I love that city, yo.
Shout out to Montreal.
Montreal is one of the great cities.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Here's the trick.
Don't stay up for poutine.
The breakfast there is probably the best.
Dude, let me tell you something about Montreal.
This is 100% dead ass.
The difference in attractiveness between the women and men is so fucking unbelievable.
I'm not trying to say the guys are ugly, but the girls are so hot compared to the dudes.
Did you find that?
Yes.
You found that?
Yes.
I mean, my parents are that way.
Say again?
My parents are that way.
You think that your mom is way hotter?
Your mom is a joint.
Your mom's a piece, bro.
Your mom's a piece.
Well, why weren't you talking about them bangs last episode, bro?
What was that on Patreon?
That was on Patreon.
That was on Patreon.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, her personality is beautiful.
Everybody missed out, bro.
We were talking about them bangs on Patreon, dog.
Everybody.
And then all.
And then on Reddit, they put up a fucking poll about what?
Pictures of all of our mothers and who has to be.
They got a picture of my mom's?
Yeah, was it a good titty picture?
Hey, bro.
Was it a good titty picture?
No, no.
A very serious question.
I'm not fucking around right now.
Who won?
Yeah, no.
They banned the poll.
The person that posted got banned forever.
Who was that?
They got banned forever.
Who was winning?
That's true.
Now, I've seen all your moms.
Yo, my mom got y'all by a mile for real.
You're not going to sleep on my mom's shit.
My mom's got the biggest titties that hang with all the bad things.
I'm telling you, my mom is out here.
My mom is out here.
And I'm not saying your mom don't have big tits.
She does.
Thank you.
Thank you.
With all due respect.
She does.
Be respectful about it.
My mom's shits is crazy, bro.
Crazy, bro.
I know it's crazy, dude.
I don't know.
I need to see these pictures.
Can we get it up?
Nobody screenshot it.
We need to screenshot it.
There's a picture of all our mom's tits.
Why are we encouraging this?
Why are we encouraging this?
Because it's funny, bro.
Yes, it is.
How does the Reddit get?
I've never seen Mark's mom.
I never, I only, I haven't met your mom either or Miles' mom.
I need to see this picture.
No, there's no picture.
How's the Reddit getting to see y'all's mom's tits before me?
Where the hell did they find a picture of the moms?
But the women in Montreal are much more attractive.
I'm just saying, bro.
Women in Montreal are much more attractive.
It was crazy, dude.
It was crazy.
They're good-looking women up there.
Not that I care about those things anymore.
Yeah.
But I was in that club.
Yeah.
And I'm old, dude.
I don't even know what to talk to these girls about anymore, dude.
Like, I'll just be sitting down minding my business in the club.
And like, one of these girls will come up and like start a conversation.
I don't even know what the fuck.
I literally don't know how to talk.
I'll just be like, oh, that's funny.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they'll be like, oh, your show is that they like try to make.
And I'm like, I go like this.
I try to do things that they think are entertaining or relatable, but I literally do not know how to relate in any way.
I also realized that I don't know how to have conversations with women that aren't about having sex with them.
So I don't think I developed that skill.
And now that I'm married, I don't have where do I go?
Why don't you just talk to me?
Because it feels fake.
Yeah, why would you need to?
Say again?
You don't need to have conversations with women that are not about having sex with you.
That's a good point.
That's a good point.
You don't just talk to the way you talk to a guy.
You meet a guy at a club.
It's like, yo, the show is a little bit different.
That's super gay, don't you?
I don't talk to guys in the club like that.
A guy comes up to you after the show goes, oh, dude, it's great.
Thank you so much.
I appreciate you, dog.
Love you.
Let's get a pick.
Blah, blah, blah.
Yeah.
Great.
But I'm not like, tell me about your dreams.
Yeah, I don't know.
I think, I honestly think it is more honest to, I think it's having like a fake conversation.
Like, I'm not trying to sleep with any of these girls, but like when I was out there in the world, I would, I felt more honest flirting sexually than I did just having like some bullshit conversation that I didn't actually believe.
I thought it was dishonest.
I agree.
You're a liar.
I agree.
Isn't it better to flirt and like, you know, sexually?
Be respectful, obviously, but like, you know, let the intentions be known.
Yeah.
But what if you don't want to have sex?
Say again?
What if you don't want to have sex?
Then why would you talk to them?
Okay.
Oh, okay.
I understand.
I'm looking for a friend group, Mark.
You don't have enough friends?
I'm new to this town.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, it's a lie.
You're lying, right?
No.
I'm not lying.
What do you mean?
I feel like you just meet someone and it's like, oh, yeah.
No, Mark, you're very good at making it seem like you're not flirting.
Like, you just, you talk about things.
It's just adorable.
It's so great.
Ultimate wingman.
What type of makeup do you wear?
Like, or whatever these stupid questions are.
Like, yeah, where are your eyelashes from?
Like, you know how to do this?
Young Dove.
And then Dove is great at this too.
Like, they can have conversation.
But Dove's actually a little bit more sexually harassy than you see my kitties online.
Now you're calling me sexual harasser.
Come on.
That's true.
Come on.
That's where he droves the line.
That is where he droves the line.
You can do one or the other, but not both.
You're a ball charm.
No, you are charmed, but you will, you will say things that.
I'll charge.
Can I just say you will say things?
You will say things that you don't think come out of a man that wears cardigans.
Yeah.
That's true.
Do you know what I mean?
You will say some shit like, you know, one kiss, no sex.
One drink.
One drink, no sex.
You will say something like that.
I expect that out of a person.
You kind of said something like that to me.
And that's the other thing.
You convince yourself that they're flirting with you.
Like, Dove operates in a world where every girl that he meets wants to fuck him, and they're just giving you signs.
But it's true.
I'm not sex with that girl.
This guy's fast.
We're flying back.
Oh, I think she's into me.
She's the fucking flight attendant.
She has to give you things.
She has.
She has to get.
Oh, yeah.
She keeps giving me these fucking napkins.
No, no, no.
She's pretzels, non-stop.
Many times, Andrew gets disrespected by flight attendants.
Which is puffy.
They don't give him shit.
So that's actually true.
So maybe not.
But this human was really nice to me.
It was really sweet.
That's the thing.
Y'all.
Say again?
Why don't you just be nice to flight attendants?
Then they'll be nice to you.
I always start nice.
I always start nice.
Start.
I say, hello.
Hello.
That's it.
Nah, but this was a good flight because they were going to Canada.
Oh, that's true.
Why, why, why?
What's that?
You got a flight attendants that are probably Canadian.
So they're nice.
They were sweet.
They were very nice.
I got along great with the flight attendants.
What I'm trying to say is, you operate in this world and it's a great way to operate.
I think most people should operate like that.
Yes.
I don't know.
I don't know.
So about this date, Dub.
Yeah, what happened with the girl?
Yeah.
Nothing.
Say again?
Nothing.
Can you at least tell me what she looks like and what race she is and what religion she is?
All the things?
No.
She's a Jewish.
I'm not saying that.
She's not.
She's Jewish.
Wait, you think so?
If he doesn't want to ruin it, this is something that's real.
No, no, I don't believe it.
During Ramadan, I don't believe it, man.
During Ramadan, wow.
I don't believe it.
Sorry, Molly.
I don't believe it.
Why not?
Because I just don't believe he'll ever be with a Jewish woman.
Damn, dude.
He throws shots, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that was a stinger.
Yeah, I throw it.
I'm like you flirting.
I let my friends be known every once in a while.
As you should.
I'm like, this fucking thing.
Yeah, wingman Mark wants friends.
Yeah, I'm the ultimate wingman.
That's what it is.
Nah.
Okay, so what is your like, what do you do?
You're like sitting down.
It's like, honestly, I don't know how do you do?
You're sitting down.
There's a girl, right?
That's sitting down next to you.
I said, oh, what do you do for work?
And then she says, oh, I work as a bartender.
I go, oh, is that a fun job?
And then she tells me a funny story and I laugh.
My God, how do you?
I mean, that seems pretty reasonable.
He's laughing at something a woman says he's trying to fuck.
Yo, I got it.
You're misleading them.
You're misleading them.
You're gaslighting.
You're gaslighting.
That's gaslighting.
You're a gaslighter.
Gaslighting.
You made her feel like you want to fuck, and then you didn't.
You're a fucking rapist, bro.
Dude, dude, that is fucking rape in a way, dude.
I don't know how yet, but I was thinking about so funny though, because I was trying to wingman Vala.
And I was like, well, isn't it?
Vala's wingman is the nearest candle that he uses to this guy is fucking doing potions and shit.
He's grabbing props at some point.
Vala's like carrot top at the nightclub.
It's amazing, dude.
He's got a case that he brings.
He's just throwing shit out.
Any girl that catches him, dude.
Amazing.
But no, the girl said she wouldn't fuck with it.
And I was like, why not?
She's like, I don't want to fuck Squanto.
No.
I was like, wait, why?
And yet she just kept on pointing out the feather in his ear the whole time.
She said that you were squanting.
The girl had done.
She called you Pocahontas Boy.
Oh, no.
Alex is the biggest dickhead on our show.
No, she didn't.
She put the shit out of him, bro.
Yo, I will give it up to Vala.
Like, this was a real shit.
Vala was sitting next to me, and somehow he disappeared and apparated into the inside seat in a booth full of women.
Like, I don't know how the fuck it happened, but I turned around.
You were behind me inside the booth, and the girls are saying stuff, and you were just, you're just laughing.
Honey Code Drop00:02:51
It was amazing, dude.
I'd love to see one of my homies fake laugh.
Like, do you know what I'm saying?
Because I'm guilty of it too.
But I think it's just, it's not like you're trying to get laid.
It's a social lubricator, right?
Yeah, you got it.
Keeps things moving.
Yeah.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Absolutely not.
Because I don't want to seem phony.
But see what I'm with a girl.
That's fucked up.
That's gaslighting.
Yeah, you are gaslighting.
That's gaslighting.
Because the girl's getting fucking wet.
Yeah, dude.
Looking at you.
Oh, this guy thinks I'm funny.
Cute guy.
Yeah, so interested in my life.
She's so adorable.
Yeah.
Genuine interest.
No one has genuine interest in a woman.
I thought about my wife.
I say, I'm married.
Don't you use all your fake interest on conversations with your wife like a good man?
Yeah.
I'm exhausted to fake carriage.
Yo, how dope is that to drop the wife thing, though?
Yeah, it's fine.
That's great, dude.
It's great.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I said that shit.
Back up, bitch.
You hit me and let him know.
I love your outfit.
Yeah, my wife would love that.
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Also, are you proud of the boys, USA, for making it to the World Cup?
We made it?
Yeah, we made it.
What's our group?
You haven't been keeping up?
Nope.
We got Iran.
Wait, wait, wait.
Speaking of World Cup, whose mom has the fattest taste of the money?
Oh, my God.
That's a great fucking question, dude.
No, that is a great question.
Wow.
Are we bringing everybody into this?
Miles, we haven't talked about your mom's dark money.
Oh, my goodness.
How do you feel about USA making to the World Cup?
Did we cut out Miles' mom's section?
I don't know if we need to get anything on it.
I promise?
Yeah.
Because that was a big issue.
That's never been an issue.
Is it true that you don't have brothers because you've sucked all the milk out of your mom's tits?
We're on the puddle.
Is that true?
I also did hear that.
I also, that was a rumor that was going on Reddit.
If you can suck all the milk out, she don't got big tits.
Yeah.
What?
Have you heard how hot?
Iran, USA.
That's our group.
We got one more team.
England, Iran, USA.
Yeah.
And then what's the third?
What's the fourth one?
So we're waiting.
It's going to be like Ukraine, Scotland versus Wales.
So one of those teams.
So we definitely, Scotland got that.
Probably not.
And then Ukraine is still competing.
Yeah.
They're not really taking this whole war thing seriously.
What stops during war?
Sarah doesn't stop?
That's crazy.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
Those are your athletes.
Get out there, bro.
Defend something.
Right?
Clutch go out there fighting.
Thank you.
You can't fight?
Lomachenko's fighting.
Lomachenko fighting?
The retired boxers.
No, Lomachenko's the current champion.
Oh, that's a good point.
Yeah.
This is bullshit, dude.
The president can't be calling it a genocide and then you go play in the World Cup.
That's facts.
Also, the president called into the Grammys, didn't he?
Did he?
Yep.
Yeah.
And what he's talked about the power of music as being, you know, something about peace.
Now, talk about the fact that he's a lot of people.
Play some horror the Grammys and not the Oscars.
Was that a little that was a shot?
At whom?
Say again?
At whom?
At Hollywood to say, we don't need you.
Music is actually a little bit more global.
Yes.
Music is a language of.
No, that's actually true.
Music does.
What's the word I'm looking for?
Transcend.
Transcend.
Thank you.
God.
You're fucking so smart.
What you laughing at over there, dude?
What, what?
What are you laughing at over there, dude?
Music is the language of what, Dove?
Just nothing.
We actually need your mom's double D's on this show.
Boy, you want NETA!
Because we've got dangerous.
No, because we need the American flag.
Because Mark, your mom is Canadian, right?
Yeah.
So we got the flags.
We need it.
Now, mom, one tit represents the black community, one the Puerto Rican community.
My mom, India threw him through thorough.
Morocco, Morocco on my side.
Scotland, Great Britain.
What?
Why does stop at mine?
Vala as well.
What we can't talk about Vala's mom?
No, you're not.
You're on the fire.
You're sitting right here right now.
I don't think you're in your mom if you don't defend her breasts.
Real talk.
If you're in the room, your mom's tits could get talked about.
That's flavor, too.
All of y'all are liable.
Well, country care over here.
Who got the fattest tits?
Are you sure you're going to speak the fuck up on Auntie's behalf, dog?
She has some daddies.
Who, your mom?
I met your mom, brother.
Come on, son.
Stop lying.
We need other countries.
They're firm, but they're not hugely hot.
Crazy.
I'm just joking.
I'm joking.
Okay?
Did I meet her?
I don't think I met her.
You might have.
She got the wedding.
Oh, I did actually meet her.
We drove to the fucking on Friday together.
Oh, my God.
Oh, but I didn't look at her tits, dude.
Jesus.
You're crazy.
That might mean they're not that big.
Yo, I didn't say it.
Andrew's mom's tits look at me.
My mom's tits look at her feet.
I saw my mom's tit hit something once, and she just picked it up and moved it out the way.
Oh, my God.
Okay, so yeah.
So, America, we got this.
What, two teams leave?
Yeah, top two teams move on.
Okay, Iran.
We got that.
That's what we might do.
So it's basically England and the U.S. go, right?
Yeah.
Or Scotland.
Scotland could be in.
That's true.
They'll probably also lose.
That's true.
And then we got a group of deaths.
Canada made it in.
That's what people are stoked about.
Oh, yeah.
Canada versus Morocco.
Yeah.
Dove's people.
Oh, that's going to be fun.
Who's stoked about Canada, bro?
Bro, Dove is.
And all the Canadians we were with this weekend.
Yeah.
Yeah, Dove got mad Canadian family, dude.
No word.
Yeah, crazy.
You want to know the best thing about this weekend with Mark in Canada?
What's that?
We go to rest.
Did you tell?
You could say this.
What?
About your French.
Oh, yeah.
Now all of a sudden, Mark just speaks French out of nowhere, right?
But the best thing is he would, to practice, we'd be at a restaurant, he'd order in French, and then they would just repeat back to him, like, is that all anything else?
Which was just like a flap.
Garbaggio, that is.
I'm talking to my best friend, trying my hardest using Google Translate and ladies.
Like, anything else do you want?
Yeah.
Our last waitress is actually also a French teacher.
She drops off a card at the end, and they're going to start doing Zoom sessions.
Yeah.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Dove's French is great.
I've heard Dove speak French.
Dove speaks every language.
Every language that there's women does speak the language.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
That's 100% a fact, right?
You speak Italian.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Spanish, French.
I can understand a lot of Spanish.
Or I can do like flirty Spanish, but Andrew's the Spanish guy.
Yeah.
No, Urdu.
No, Urdu.
Have you ever been with a Pakistani woman?
No.
I did have a set it up, Ben.
Have you?
Nope.
Have you ever been with a Pakistan?
Are you sure?
Yeah, you left Pakistan for Virginia when you were 11.
Now that we met, we met one in Pakistan before I left.
At 11?
Whoa, whoa.
13.
Well done.
13.
How old were you guys?
Yeah.
How old was the girl?
Dude, you fucked a 13-year-old.
Oh, bro.
Yo, just saying that is wild.
You technically had sex with a 13-year-old.
She was older.
She was older.
How old?
So, did you get got with any April Fool shit?
Yeah, I did.
You got bodied?
Yeah.
This is going to sound like a flex, but it's not.
But my girl goes, there's a hotel or like a resort in Aspen.
And they said they just announced that they're going to have a wave pool coming this summer so you can surf in Aspen at this hotel.
That's sick.
And I looked at the post and I saw the people that were going to go surf there.
And Kelly Slater was one of the people that was going to go surf there.
So I DM'd it to Kelly Slater.
And I'm like, dude, are they really building a fucking wave pool at this hotel?
And Kelly Slater had to let me know that I got April Fool's like a fucking idiot.
Wait, he's like, dude, I think you got an April Fools.
And I was like, oh, okay, yeah.
Yeah, they didn't build a wave pool on the side of a fucking mountain.
Your actual hero was like, yeah, you're an idiot.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You wasted a DM on an April Fool's too.
You took anything out of it?
Huge.
Nothing, nothing at all.
Besides looking like an idiot.
It's technically your girl that set you up, though.
Yeah.
Dumbass.
You know?
No, Shifty got me on the Northern Lights in New York.
Did you see this?
No.
I was like going dumb viral.
I heard about this.
I believed it.
Luckily, I went to New York.
Yeah.
He's like, you'll be able to see the Northern Lights this year for the first time, or this week for the first time, like 50 years.
And Shifty was like, isn't that crazy?
And I believed it up until like, I think an hour ago.
No.
Yeah, I was like, literally, like, oh, I did get got by Ben Uyeda.
On what?
You didn't see Ben Uyeda's bro?
I got got by that one.
Yeah.
When he was like his new like a wildling?
Yeah, he was dressed like a wildling.
And he was like, this is my new construction wear or whatever.
And I believed it.
And I was like, dude, Ben, what is this?
Because it was kind of fire, but I was like, I didn't think I got got by April Fool's.
Turned out I got by all of it.
I just thought the world was fine.
I thought the world had changed.
Wait a minute.
I got got by a speed limit, a walking speed limit in New York.
And after I posted that, I was like, oh, I hope this is true.
And then I realized it was fake.
So then I started finding all the fake posts and posting those shit.
So I'm like, no, I'm doing this on purpose, guys.
That's smart ass.
That's smart.
That's fucking genius.
Oh, man.
Akash, you never told us about your drive for 11 hours.
Son, I'm going to say this.
I drove through that bitch and I was like, I would have voted for Trump too.
Wait, really?
Yo, it's just hopeless, dog.
It's 11 hours of hopelessness.
No.
Because all you're looking at is nothing.
Toledo, Ohio, the brewery was out of business.
It was like a fucking abandoned warehouse.
So you can't even afford alcoholism.
Yeah.
That shit blew my fucking mind.
The trailer park, like, the trailers are run down.
I was like, this shit is hopeless, dude.
How was the Sunday show?
We didn't have the Sunday.
Lucky.
No, I thought about this and I felt guilty.
I usually have been selling out a decent amount.
And I was like, yo, 80% of the room is only full.
There's no 100%.
And then I was like, oh, there's probably like 50% unemployment.
So actually, mathematically, I'm ahead.
It was 130% sellout.
Yeah, you killed it.
Yeah, I really killed it.
100%.
But they didn't even bother with the Sunday show.
They're like, pay for no fucking thing.
No, you're lucky.
Yeah.
I mean, that was the worst show I've ever done in my entire life.
Did you ask them about it?
No, no.
They told me at the end of the night, they were like, hey, we love Andrew.
Tell him to come back.
He doesn't seem to want to.
Wait, they actually said that?
Yeah.
I had the heart to tell her.
Poor manager.
I didn't see her all weekend because she was making fucking chicken tenders or whatever because they don't have labor in Ohio.
And she was like, at the end of the night, she's like, hey, thanks.
We had a bunch of new people come out.
Great.
I said, oh, Andrew probably brought a lot of these same people.
And she's like, oh, we love Andrew.
He just hasn't come back since the last time he had seen him.
Yeah, it was a rough one, man.
Oh, that show.
There's only two shows that I really remember.
I'm like, wow, never get.
And they were both in Ohio.
Whoa, Toledo and?
Toledo and then Columbus.
I did a show in Columbus where I was getting absolutely nothing from the audience.
So I just brought the stool to the middle of the stage and I just stood on the stool and delivered my jokes standing on the stool.
Why?
Why?
I don't know.
I was like, I got to make this fun for me somehow.
You thought height was the issue for the show?
Yeah, it was hype.
I was like, maybe if I get this high.
That's the excuse I've been using when I actually do it.
Yeah, no, I was like, this has just got to be fun.
Maybe if I balance, I'll have more fun in it.
And yeah, it was both Ohio.
Ohio could be rough, man.
Yo, yeah, yeah, I saw that.
You don't have much to laugh at out there.
Yeah.
Son, they're still proud of MASH.
One of the characters in MASH, I didn't even know this.
Kodo told me.
Kev told me.
He said one of the characters in MASH was from Toledo in the show, and he like always talked about it.
So they're holding on to this show from the fucking 70s.
Like my hotel had an army Jeep in it.
Why the fuck did you drive there?
I don't understand.
Because fight got canceled night before.
So nobody wants to go to Ohio, obviously.
Yeah.
United was like, we're not doing that.
Delta, there was one Delta flight was at like 6 a.m. out of Philly.
So either go to the airport at 3.30 in the morning and then land whenever we land or and risk that getting canceled or to drive overnight.
And Kev is a fucking hoss.
So he was just like, I'll drive.
He brought his car up to New York.
We rented a minivan.
G's up.
Fire.
Oh, that's fire.
Son, I love a minivan, dog.
I can't wait to buy one.
I know you love this minivan.
Yo, on some comedy shit, what'd you think of a Louis winning comedy album of the year?
Is he officially uncanceled?
I think that that's like a move towards that for sure.
Yeah.
Yeah, I thought it was really interesting.
Because once you win this major award from like a major governing body, it's basically them being like, oh yeah, you're back in the thing.
Yeah.
Like, I forget when that happened to Mel Gibson.
Someone like, I think he won a major award or someone like testified on his behalf in front of the Academy.
They were like, forgive him.
He's sorry.
It's not his fault.
And then he kind of got like uncanceled from him.
I think it also could be them testing the waters.
Like if there's a big reaction to this, tons of pushback, they, whoever they is, like the Hollywood, you know, approval board, they might go, okay, maybe it's not ready.
But if he goes and he drops it and everybody's kind of okay with it and they celebrate it, they're like, okay, maybe we could work with this guy again.
He could be, Mel Gibson's like, I guess he's uncanceled in that sense, maybe, but he's still, nobody, he's not the same.
It's not the same.
Also, his star compared to what it was is way less.
Mel uncanceled himself, I think, when he did that Passionate of the Christ because he did the movie without anybody.
Like, didn't he fund that independently?
And the shit made crazy bread, right?
Crazy.
So it was like, I think that there are people looking at it going, well, people have said worse things that have made less money.
Well, no, that was before the Jew hate.
That was the first time we were like, did this guy hate Jews?
No, He made.
Yes, correct.
Akash was correct.
No, I thought he blew up first.
He blew up.
No, no, no.
He had the with the white thing.
The cop thing was, no, the white thing, that was funny to me.
The white thing was like, oh, not 2010 or something after all the other shit.
And everybody's like, I can't believe he's saying these things about black people.
And I was like, who?
Who do you think hates Jews and loves black people?
Who's that guy?
I don't think that exists.
Yeah, that's very obvious.
Black people.
But yeah, he had Apocalypto that apparently slept, but he made it, but nobody really cares.
It's not like he's a megastar anymore.
Louis, I think, is going to be the same.
He out there.
He can win a Grammy, but when has Grammy equaled sales?
Like the guy who won best album is probably great, but I didn't know who he was, John Batiste.
I'm also old as fuck and don't know new music.
I feel washed, bro.
It's wild.
It's either we're washed or everything is such in its own vacuum that you're just not aware of what's going on in like traditional mainstream scenes because I've heard of John Batiste.
I don't know a lot of the song from the shit.
Maybe if I hear the big one, I'll listen to it.
Even with the people who won the Oscars, some of these movies I didn't even heard of.
So is it that that industry is failing or those industries are failing or are we completely detached from what's happening?
I think the fact that we're detached lets you know that it's failing a little bit.
Ah, like you should be able to hold on to us a little longer.
Before, everybody would just know.
There's just less things.
Yeah.
And the fact that we're all kind of in our own vacuum is part of the reason they're failing.
Yeah.
I don't think it's completely failing.
I'm sure they're making money still, but like the fact that none of us knew.
How much longer do movies exist?
I'm curious about this.
Eight years.
Do you think?
No.
Eight years.
They'll be around.
What do you mean like a long time?
That form, it's just a TV movie, but it's just movies.
The theatrical experience will suffer.
So they'll watch these indie movies like Coda at your house and you're going to watch Marvel.
Movie Theater Future00:02:57
You can call that a 90-minute TV show.
Well, here's the thing.
Like the movie itself, I don't know if it's advantageous to make a movie instead of a TV show.
Because if the movie is successful, right?
I guess you can make sequels to the movie, sure.
But like the TV show, run it, right?
Have two season, three season, four season, five seasons.
True Detective is a bunch of movies.
Each season is a long movie.
Yeah, so why not just make the TV shows?
And if we really like it, we want to spend more time in it.
I wonder if movies just become antiquated and the way we tell stories is just through TV shows.
It's either super short or super long.
You're spending $200 million to make a movie.
You don't think you can spend that on a TV show?
Think about it.
Most features that you see are written by one person, loan in their place, and then boom, has this perfect, you know, two-hour thing that exists and puts their name on it and a TV show.
I mean, you can write a pilot and then blow up, but that's a whole team that's a business that you have to do to continue a show.
So a lot of people just like that form.
What if it just becomes like Pixar, Disney are the only, and like cartoons are the only times you see like movies anymore.
And then everything else, just TV shows.
Maybe there's like one consolidated story that you just want to tell.
Yeah, what about life story things?
How does Coda become a series?
I don't know what Coda is.
It won the Oscar.
Yeah, but I don't know what it is.
I don't know who's in it.
Do you guys know what that is?
No.
Never seen it.
Children of Deaf Adults.
It's a beautiful story.
Apparently, it's fucking the kid that came to my show in San Antonio.
Apparently it's fire.
And I think I can almost fucking adults moaning the whole goddamn time.
Oh, Jesus.
Jesus.
And also for the indie world, like small art house films, like you can't make small art house whole multi-season series.
So you'll always have an opportunity making a movie.
Eight years.
I hear all of that.
Eight years.
How much longer for movie theaters?
Four years.
I love the movie theater, but I don't know if they can make their money back.
Yeah.
Unless you're a major franchise, unless it's Marvel.
And even those movies ain't slapping like they used to.
I just don't know if it's worth it.
My prediction, they're going to have to let the studios open up movie theaters.
So Disney buys movie theaters, and there's a Disney store to buy Pixar stuff, Marvel stuff in there as well.
And those things can work because it's separated, right?
So yeah, you create the Disney World experience.
So when the kids go, they can buy a t-shirt, they can buy the dolls, they can buy the toys.
Correct.
Okay, then what happens for the adult movies where we don't need to buy that?
And how many of those Disney theaters can you make?
No, all good points.
They're going to be in like shopping centers where it's a whole thing.
For adults, they're going to get bars and the type of seating to like order at the table.
Because think about dates.
What are you going to do on a first date you go for drinks or dinner, and second date you want to go to a movie?
It's at your house.
You got to have that other spot.
Hey, it's good for me.
Men Skincare Mission00:02:14
Sorry.
No more movie theaters.
Yeah.
Come to the pad.
I've always thought the movie was.
Oh, my God.
Where did you guys go last night on the date?
The bathhouse.
Did you really?
After dinner.
You took a girl to the bathhouse?
It's the most fire date you can.
I took a video of you and your titties vibrating.
And you thought that you should be naked with a girl after that?
I look fire.
I'm just telling you.
Insane self-confidence.
Good luck.
Yeah.
That's unbelievable, dude.
That's great.
God bless him.
Yeah.
God bless him.
Yeah.
And it was in Brooklyn.
He'll be president in 2021.
But she was fire.
Damn.
He's just shit on Brooklyn.
All right, guys.
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But fellas, we cannot do this.
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Exclusive Eye Cream Deal00:10:20
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Now let's get back to the show.
Oh, you don't think they're attractive girls in Brooklyn?
I mean, you're like ones buzzing their head around and dress-like inclusive.
Talk about the Hasidic women like that.
This is what happens when you grow up in LA.
You just expect everyone to be like blonde-haired and fake lips and shit.
What am I supposed to do about that?
That's for smiley.
It just works too great.
It just works.
The fake lips work, right?
Who doesn't like the fake lips?
Let's just be honest.
The fake lips work, right?
I don't like them.
Women like when we have fake hair.
They like when we're on finasteride and our hair is maintained.
So we like them.
I'm sure there's been fake lips that are well done that I didn't notice.
And I'm like, oh, that looks good.
Yeah.
But when they look all pillowy and shit, I'm like, no, I can't do it.
But it's better than if you look like a bird.
Isn't it better than that?
Yes.
Right?
So I think that's what we have to judge.
We have to judge like not what's better if you have perfect lips versus plastic surgery.
It's like everybody looking at like Madonna right now.
She kind of looks like the alien face.
Like alien workshop.
Remember them skateboards people have?
That's Madonna's face.
She looks like that.
But is that better than what she would naturally look like being 70 years old?
Yeah.
No, Do you seriously?
Give me 70 years old.
Give me 70.
Okay, Madonna.
Donna's a grandma.
She should look like a grandma.
You're saying.
You're saying what's right because you don't plan on making love to her.
Yeah, correct.
Right?
But if you were to make love to a 70-year-old woman, would you want her to be like 70?
No, that's what I'm saying.
She aged out of being made love to.
Yeah, I know your point.
What I'm saying is, in this hypothetical scenario where you have to make love to a 7-year-old, wouldn't you want her to just shove shit in her face until you saw the video?
You know what I mean?
I mean, it's horrifying, dude.
But okay, go to Titanic and the old woman in Titanic.
She's 70.
For 70, that's good.
The old woman in Titanic is 70 years old.
That throws the thing.
Old Rose?
Old Rose is 70 years old.
Which one are you taking down?
70?
72, maybe.
I don't know if that's 70 years.
That's 70 years old.
She's 70 years old.
How do you know that?
40 years ago, I was on her.
There's a whole thing about I'm going to come back here when I'm 72.
And then return the heart of the ocean to the ocean or whatever.
I think you made all this up.
I'm not making you.
She's 112 years old.
Objectively.
You don't think that she looks better?
Objectively speaking.
Go back to Titanic.
Go to Titanic.
I'm going to make it Titanic.
I'm going to give you an honest answer.
Yeah.
Honest answer.
It's not even a debate, bro.
It's not a debate.
Come on, bro.
Madonna.
Not a debate.
I think I agree with you.
Not she's peculiar.
Look at that.
That's 70 years old in the 90s.
Nah, I fuck Rose for sure.
No, you're lying to me.
Al, which crevice?
Let's be honest.
No, I'm going Madonna, of course.
You a weirdo, dog.
I mean, it's not even a question.
You're also Madonna just for legacy, too.
Yeah.
Just like the biggest pop star of all time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I want the cone tits and everything.
Yeah, regardless.
I want the full experience.
Word.
Yeah.
That's a fact.
That's fucking great, dude.
Which also, speaking of people aging, this shit was going viral.
This is a Buddhist monk.
He's like 108-year-old Buddhist monk.
Oh, come on.
Don't do this shit, bro.
Yo, this guy looked like Madonna, yo.
Oh, my God.
Stop playing, bro.
Still alive.
Stop playing.
And like, he's just living his best life, doing his thing.
Let him die, dog.
That's crazy, dude.
Like, at a certain point, have you thought about this?
Like, you're going to get to a point where you're going to be dumb old.
You're going to be on all the machines.
That's not real, fam.
It's real.
He's only 108?
Oh, my God.
Only?
Yeah, I feel like that's.
You shouldn't look like that at 100, but.
Yo, yo, he looked like King Tut right now.
Same do same.
Yeah, no, that's crazy.
But have you thought about this?
Like, yo, when I get to a certain point, call it.
No.
No?
No.
Yeah, because we don't know where technology is going to be.
But if I start looking like that, call it.
What do you mean looking like that?
Nah, like, is it the look or is it like your ability to walk around and do it?
No, it's the look, yo.
I don't want to look like that.
You call me vain if you want to.
I don't want to look like that.
Even if you're still capable, you can do shit.
You're like, nah, just not the look.
He looks like a smoker's lung.
Just the lung.
All he needs is some lip fillers.
He'll be good.
Yeah, exactly.
That's it.
Facts, dude.
But no, I mean, this is peculiar.
What is he?
First of all, like, what was he before this?
Like, what race?
Like, I don't even know what he is.
He's Thai.
Probably, yeah, probably.
He's Thai.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Let the baby go.
He's sucking the life force out of her.
He's trying to get her youth.
I mean, this is...
No, Al, you didn't see this?
I'm just...
It's insane, right?
Wow.
Yeah, I mean, this is just so.
No, this is prosthetics or something like that.
I don't believe this is real.
That's not real.
Robot, right?
It has to be a robot.
It's some April Fool's shit, right?
This is fucking...
When did it come out?
This is April Fool.
This is like February 22nd.
There's music.
No, There's no way it's real, dude.
Look at the eye sockets.
Yeah, he's old, though.
Yeah, but don't you think they'd be more like squinted?
Oh my gosh.
It's gotta be fake.
He's not from Thailand.
Maybe after 100, they start getting bigger.
It's the tipping point.
Have you thought about this?
Like having like a do not resuscitate once you're like 105?
No, I want to run it.
I want to run it.
Even if you're in a coma.
You're in a coma.
Yeah.
I think I come back from that.
I think I would come back from a coma.
Fully incapacitated in a coma.
You're 105 years old.
Dude, imagine how terrifying that is.
You're in the coma.
You can hear everything still, but you just can't communicate.
And they're deciding whether to pull a plug or not.
That's the thing.
What?
That happens to a lot of people.
They're like, oh, yeah, I'm so glad you didn't pull the plug.
They remember everything.
Yeah.
I can hear you the whole time.
Yeah.
And then one person, like one parent was like, yeah, let's just, you know, and then the other parent's like, no, we got to keep him around.
And then he wakes up like piss as fuck at his dad for trying to kill him.
That's a thing.
That's actually happened.
I've seen that.
There's a video of this.
I mean, I don't know if there's a video.
I need to see this person.
I don't think they're just filming the kid like, let's kill him.
I mean, why not?
You're not trying to make content?
Yeah, that's a good point.
But we should have that.
We should have one of these people on the podcast.
Yeah.
I would love to know what they do.
Someone in a coma?
Yeah.
They kind of just laid it.
Yeah.
They're mostly laying.
Nah, but how you feel?
That's what they do physically, assholes.
How do you pass through the day?
Like, you're aware.
You have your thoughts.
You can hear everything going on.
You just can't communicate.
So you're just taking in everything and just thinking all day.
Yeah.
Jesus.
That's your worst nightmare.
My worst fucking nightmare.
Literally.
Oh, my God.
Maybe.
Yeah, dude.
If I take too long a nap, fucking kill me.
That's my point.
That's why I don't think you can handle being in a coma.
Yeah, that would be crazy.
That would be absolutely terrifying.
Yeah, you're just sitting there like, fuck.
That's why if you're in a coma, I'm going to pull a plug.
Can you get bricked up in a coma?
Probably.
I'm sure you can.
With the power of blue, you can probably do it.
Physical response.
Dude, that is sick.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, no, it's a mental response.
Like Stephen Hawking can get bonus and shit.
He got his wife pregnant.
Is that true?
Yeah, after he was crippled.
He cheated on his wife and he got the other one pregnant.
There's no way.
Yes.
You didn't know about this?
Pimp him, pimping, pimping.
Look this up.
Nah, you got to let him cheat.
And the girl that he cheated with was the guy, the girl who taught him how to speak without speaking anymore.
Oh, you got to give her some pussy.
Because I dick.
But yeah, And he did it.
I mean, that's game, though.
After 11 years of marriage, his wife, I think, filed for divorce in 2006.
There was immediate speculation Hawking was cheating on her, something he strongly denied.
And then he got refused.
He didn't really do much anything, Behan.
How is he going to argue with his wife through the computer?
That's the worst part.
Yeah, she could just turn it off.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm tired of listening to you.
The volume just goes down.
You want to hit some feelings, no facts?
Yeah, let's hit some feelings, no facts immediately.
Did you see a Hezbollah?
Caleb Presley.
Yo, shout to Caleb.
I fucking love it.
You're killing it.
So Caleb Presley, the Sunday conversation, he had Hezbollah on.
He went out to fucking Dubai.
And he's just great.
He's just fucking murdering it.
And it was just so funny.
It was brilliant.
He's great.
I love this kid.
We need to get Hasbula.
We need to get Hasbula.
I would love that.
Yeah.
Are you going to tickle him?
Yes.
What can you do to him?
Like, what are the rules?
Well, he's just an 18-year-old person.
So whatever you do to a regular guy.
But he'll hit you at full strength.
Yeah.
But he's smaller.
Yeah, but full strength.
Yeah.
I want to see him fight Al for real?
Pop Caleb.
He keeps a knife on him.
He does.
Yeah, he keeps that thing.
What if we got him to fight Al?
Just a regular, like, just wrestle.
I would love to see that.
Al's our retard.
You can't do that.
Yeah.
And I would love to see who's stronger, him and a little person.
I mean, yeah, I don't think that he's that strong.
Yeah, I don't think it could be.
But he's, he's fun.
He's entertaining.
He looks peculiar.
And I think he fakes the voice a little bit.
That's just my hot take.
His voice actually is super cool.
Like, I don't think he.
I think he speaks like a normal Russian, but I think he understands that it's funnier for the character to raise it up.
Like, Tyrion wasn't, you know, hell, what do we do for the game at all?
You know what I mean?
Like, he's trying to be funny.
Say again?
Don't they got different things?
What?
What's Hezbollah's thing?
I don't know what his exact thing is.
But he's not a dwarf.
Yeah, watch your.
Well, what is he?
He looks like pretty dwarfy.
He's just, I don't know.
He's got like a developmental thing where he looks like a kid, whereas dwarves don't look like kids.
No, they don't.
They kind of do.
Peter Dinkler looks like a kid.
I mean, if you shaved him, he'd probably look like a fucking kid.
If he walked up to you, asking for like a lollipop or something like that, you wouldn't be like, what are you, an adult?
Asking for a lollipop?
Don't you think?
No.
If he was hairless.
Now, I think his face looks a little aged.
Reddit April Fool Pixels00:03:08
Yeah.
Growing up his face.
No, he has GHD growth hormone deficiency also.
No, remember that girl that was the pedophile's dream that she was like 22, but she looked 12 or whatever?
She sounded like a kid.
Hezbollah might have that.
Yeah, Andy Milanakis.
He sounded like a kid.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, he had a little kid.
It's always shocking how many black people know Andy Milanakis.
They should always tell me as much trouble as black people have remembering names.
But that is the Andy Milanakis.
They all know.
Why is that?
How do black people know about Andy Milanakis?
I got a theory.
We didn't know that one.
Okay, hold on.
Let Miles go.
This is going to be good.
Speak for all black people.
I will.
I will.
He was on right before Wilding Out.
Like, his time slot was literally the top.
I used to watch both of them.
That's a scorching highlight.
We don't really come early to stuff, but they're not exactly named for punctuality.
That's why I know TV usually replays shit.
Yeah.
Yo, that's a great take.
Thank you.
That's a good point.
Miles.
Okay.
Did you see how much better it is when you just present it as bullshit?
Always start with, I have a hot take, and then we're going to believe everything you say.
Okay, got it.
But then when you tell us exactly why the reason is, that's where you're going to get in trouble.
Yeah.
I got it now.
Did you see our place on Reddit?
Have you heard about this?
Oh, you were telling me this.
This is awesome.
This is really cool.
Basically, Reddit does this as like an April Fool's thing.
They did it back in 2017, then they brought it back this year.
Basically, what happens is every little dot, you can't really even see it on here.
Every little dot is a pixel that you're able to place if you have an account.
And there's just like, I think it's like a million pixels, like the whole plot.
And basically, what you do is you go and you place a pixel, and you can only place one like every 20 minutes.
So basically, you have an entire like all these communities that got together and they're trying to place pixels in order to like create visuals.
And then over time, they fill up the whole thing.
And then you have different groups like warring over each other for land.
And so they're trying to like place pixels over each other.
So like they dropped, like every time the American flag gets dropped, people try to like take it over.
And so like they post it.
And then like there was a whole thing where like the trans flag was up and then the Germans had their little thing.
And so the trans people and Germans were fighting.
And all these different like subcommunities are like fighting and warring with each other through this like sandbox.
I just think this is brilliant.
Like communal effort right here to organize the amount of people necessary to make that flag or make these little, what is that, Ozole?
I don't know what that is.
But this is a genius, dude.
I mean, they would do that on Minecraft.
Like that you'd meet in the little world and then build like the Starship Enterprise cube by cube.
Yeah, exactly.
But can you do it 20 minutes at a time?
I think that's what's so crazy about it.
Like you need so many people.
This isn't the best depiction of it because you can't see how small the little pixel is.
Yeah.
Right?
Like that American flag is how many pixels, Mark?
I mean, thousands.
Thousands.
So it's like you need thousands of people organized, knowing exactly where they're going to place which color where, and doing it every 20 minutes.
Ah, so cool.
Do people have jobs anymore?
I love that insoles found a hobby.
Nah, this is, I just think it's so $1,200 goes a long way.
Group organization.
Nah, this is fire as fuck.
Cremated Selflessness Take00:14:58
It's kind of sick, right?
And the Indians had a big faction.
What did they do?
Where that shit is at?
They put an Indian flag somewhere.
That shit was popping.
You feel pride when you see your flag, though.
You see an American flag fired.
Then you see a Chinese flag.
You're like, get that shit out of here.
Paint it.
And they did.
Yeah.
Or they're starting to.
Yeah.
No, you got the Indian flag right here, right?
Oh, there it is.
Y'all doing your thing?
Good call, bro.
Yeah.
Okay, what else we got?
All right.
So there's this rapper.
I think this is in like Maryland.
This is like one of the most insane things I've ever seen.
He, oh, he's a rapper, Gu Nu.
Yeah.
He got shot like two weeks ago.
R.I.P. And he passed away.
And like, basically, like, his family or like his friends got together and they threw his like funeral in a club.
And they took his body, like his corpse, and like basically embalmed it, dressed him in full Amiri, and then put him in the club with everyone partying.
So he's hysterical.
He's just posted up in the corner and like everyone's there, like legit going crazy.
That's fire.
Yeah, that's wild.
Yeah, that's wild.
I mean, kind of crazy.
Damn.
I mean, fuck.
But also looking fly as fuck.
What if somebody bumped the table?
Apparently, I just read this.
I don't know if it's true, but like towards the end, like the state of his embalming wasn't as good.
Like they were going for like five, six hours.
So like his jaw was like sewn shut, like locked shut, and it slowly started to like open up.
It turned into a thing that had to get like the embalmer to come back and like he's standing up.
He was just trying to wrap gravity.
Yeah.
He's trying to get his bars off.
I mean, yeah, it's wild.
Kind of wild, though.
But maybe it is.
Is it wild to like is an open casket wild?
That's what I'm saying.
How different is this than an open casket?
Yeah.
Slightly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The open casket are like the people that you know.
But think of how much money you save not having a casket.
That's thousands of dollars right there.
Bang.
That goes for it to fire DJ some drinks.
But also, he might know all these people.
These might just be like his family and friends.
Yeah, it is, right?
I assume it's his people.
It's an Irish wake, but it's more fun.
It was a wake.
It wasn't like a club night.
Like, I think they rented out the club and like did the so this is their version of it.
I think that's, I think it's cool.
Like it just makes me think about how odd the open casket is.
Yeah.
Have you done that before?
I have.
That shit is mad weird.
I laughed my fucking ass off.
No.
And I had to leave.
Who was actually Nils' dad?
One of my best friends' dad.
No.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is the craziest thing.
This is an insane take, right?
Say again.
It's just a wild take.
You know, he saw one of his friends.
No.
And it was like an Andrew and Alex type of situation.
It's like a silent library thing.
Like, fuck.
And it was like, I knew I wasn't supposed to laugh.
So I started laughing.
And it was like, it's like somebody looks at you and goes, do not laugh.
Right?
Like, I walked in the room and I was like, you just don't laugh no matter what.
And then who was the friend?
Come on, right out.
Who was the friend you were looking at and challenging?
Honestly, I might have been alone.
Probably Nils?
No, definitely not Nils.
But like, it was, yeah, but I remember having, I was like, oh, fuck.
And I had to leave so I could go outside and fucking laugh, dude.
That's the most fucked thing I've ever done.
It's bad, right?
Like, it sounds fucked up, but it's crazy.
I know.
It's not crazy.
Thank God I'm going to out with you, dog, because I don't want you laughing at my fucking funeral.
No, I would laugh at your funeral.
That'd be fine.
Seeing your little flabby body on the floor sitting down there, spilling all over the coffin, dude.
No, that'd be funny.
That'd be funny.
No, I think we should.
Yeah, we're definitely going to have jokes.
Did you see that Irish guy's funeral?
I thought that was dope.
Is the funeral the same as when they bury you?
Is the funeral the same as when they bury you?
Yeah, there's a service, and then sometimes like it's at the grave site, sometimes it's out.
Yeah, so the one who was at the grave site, because usually I think the Irish people do like a wake, is it called a wake?
Wake the day.
It's like in a place.
It's in the funeral home, right?
That shit is so fire, bro.
Okay.
What's that?
This shit made me want to die.
Oh, no.
Watch this.
This is great.
So they're at this dude's funeral.
You got to turn the volume way up, though.
Yep.
Hello.
Hello?
Let me out.
Hello.
That's fire.
Hello?
Let me out with the fucking bag in here.
It's fucking dark in here.
Love me out.
Hello.
Hello.
Fuck it up.
Hello.
See, you shave me.
I'm in the box.
No, I'm fucking closing yet.
I'm again.
Hello, John.
Hello.
I was called to change.
Shout out to the audio mixer.
Yeah, they did a great job, right?
Wait, so what are you going to do for yours then?
I don't know.
I don't want to plan it because I think we'll make it happen.
But, like, I just think that that is so cool.
Like, he's aware that all these people are going to be sad on this day.
And then he gets, and in a weird way, maybe it makes you even more emotional.
You're like, oh, I really miss this guy.
He was really funny.
He's way sadder.
Yeah.
The whole time you want everyone to cry at your funeral, right?
Facts.
I don't know.
What a cool moment.
That's why he saved it for the end.
They're crying and then you just lift their spirits.
There it is.
That's how you leave.
There it is.
Isn't that cool?
That's really cool.
And the dopest thing about it is laughs can be selfish, right?
Making someone laugh, you feel good.
He's gone.
That is selflessness in laughter.
You're giving somebody the laugh and you're not there to take it.
You got to think, what if that shit bombs?
Yeah.
You die.
You got to try it out.
You got to throw it in someone else's funeral.
That's just the best though.
Just to bomb and to not have to deal with the bomb.
Imagine you bombed and you died right after the set, and you never had to do it.
But imagine your kids are there, and all of a sudden they're like, yo, my dad died, and then he sucked at jokes.
Like, the fuck.
Imagine no one showed.
And it's just the guy that looks after the cemetery.
And he's burying you in the fucking cassette starts to play.
And he doesn't know.
I'm in the box.
He's prying that thing open.
100%.
Yeah.
Yeah, that shit.
I don't know.
That was cool.
Yeah, it's fire.
I think that was super cool.
I don't want to do that, though.
I'm getting cremated.
You're getting cremated?
Yeah.
Really?
I don't want my body in there.
Huh?
I don't want my body.
I mean, even way more fire video if it is.
It's hot.
Turn the fucking fire off.
Yeah.
Wait, you really are getting cremated?
That's not very Catholic.
Yeah, I'm surprised y'all do that.
Yeah, I don't know.
Both my grandparents got cremated.
Are they Catholic?
Yeah.
Aren't y'all not supposed to do that?
We're supposed to do that.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Are y'all not?
I don't know.
I didn't know there was a rule against it.
I got to ask.
Yeah, you definitely can't get cremated, dude.
Why are you going to get your ashes spread?
I'm not going to give them spread.
I'm going to get it put in an urn and buried.
That's super gay.
Why?
It's also cheaper, too.
It's also cheaper.
You get a smaller plot?
You get less plot.
Yeah.
I mean, ah.
What?
You're going to get your ashes and then bury the ashes?
Getting buried is weird, though.
Why?
Whole casket and all that, like for what?
I agree.
That's weak.
Like, for what?
No, it's better.
Why?
Well, what if you actually do have to lay like that for the rest of your eternity?
But you're buried anyway.
Just burn me.
Give me that.
You want to be ash just piled up?
Are you going to do the whole Ganges River thing?
Hell yeah, bro.
Burn you on the pile?
Yeah.
Wait, what is that?
What did they do?
Like, all the bodies get put on.
No, you get cremated.
Cremated.
Yeah.
And my wife, because she can outlive me because she nagged me so much.
She's going to fly to India, spread my ashes in the gunga, and then I'm out.
Wait, that's actually a thing?
Yeah.
Can we go?
No.
Do you think that they're going to let a brown person sake some mysterious powder onto a plant?
Happens all the time.
No, it doesn't.
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
Gunal did it.
I'm pretty sure.
Shouts to Kunal.
With whom?
His dad.
No way.
Yeah.
Wow.
That's fire.
I'm going, though.
If she doesn't do it, I'll do it.
I'll spread them.
Yeah, that got to be a dirty ass river, though.
Yeah.
That's part of the collusion.
Just getting dumped in that daily, dude.
India, not a clean place, dog.
Shit.
You know what I mean?
Fit in.
Where do they light you on fire?
I want to go there.
You get cremated.
Right there.
Say again?
Yeah, you get cremated.
What do you mean by right there?
They're not lighting them on fire.
Just pull up the Anthony Bourdain episode right there in these giant pyres, and then they're put into the river.
And then he was on the other side getting the ashes spread on his face from some wild.
I haven't seen that.
It was like a wild cast of sure.
Am I wrong?
They let you on fire there, right?
In India.
Now, in America, you go to a funeral house, you have the funeral, funeral home, whatever, and then you get cremated.
Like, that's it.
Yeah, I don't know.
It's wild.
But why?
You want to go full casket?
Yep.
Why?
It's super lit.
And are you?
Why?
Why?
I want to pick out the outfit and everything.
Because I'm taking that wherever I go.
Okay.
Or if I run it back.
Like, you don't know if we could run this back.
That's a good point.
So, yeah, I want to.
Even if it's bones, dude.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wait, if you run it back, you're not going to wear the same clothes in your next life.
No, but they'll have an idea what I like.
God knows what I'm saying.
Say again.
I don't think God knows that already.
Yeah, that's assuming it's God.
But what if it's a simulation?
You know what I mean?
Like, what if it's the aliens?
Do you think they know that already?
No.
They're busy, man.
They got a lot of other things going on.
Is your suit also going to be three-quarter-length on the pants?
Yeah.
His casket is going to be three-quarter length.
His legs are going to be sticking out.
Like buddy deal legs, like the fucking magician.
Okay.
Anything else before we get out of here, boys?
No, that's all for me.
You need to talk Gerard?
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, we didn't talk about it.
Well, I don't know.
Talk about Gerard in SNL.
Yeah.
Did you guys see it?
I did.
Did you see it?
Everybody see it?
At least the clip?
Yeah.
Al?
Yeah.
I saw his special.
I didn't see his special.
Ah, okay.
I haven't seen the special.
So you can break down for us.
But Gerard Carmichael hosted SNL.
And he came out as gay on his special.
Yeah.
And then he came out, I guess, as gay as well on SNL if you didn't see the special.
Yeah.
And yeah.
His hands are gay now.
I noticed that too.
Yeah.
I noticed that too.
That was the first thing I picked up.
No, it was a lot.
It was like a lot of.
It was a little more wristy all the time.
Yeah, it was a lot more wristy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because we know Gerard.
Yeah.
And it wasn't as much shit.
This is how crazy Andrew is.
Okay.
Can I tell this story?
Do you remember this story?
He's the fucking craziest person I've ever met.
We're at Swinger's Diner, Andrew and me.
I've never met Gerard, but Gerard walks by.
Before we knew Gerard was gay, obviously we wouldn't take him to Swingers.
We didn't take him.
He walked by, saw Andrew, then came in and sat next to us.
Okay.
And they're giving each other love.
How you doing?
What's new?
Gerard is like, hey, everything is great, man.
I have my second special dropping in three weeks.
It's called Eight.
Really excited about it.
And Andrew goes, hey, man, that's awesome.
Can you do me a favor and not do that thing where you don't get laughs?
Oh, shit.
Because I'm tired of having to explain to people, no, no, this guy's really fucking funny, but they don't get it because they never laugh.
So can you just be funny?
Damn.
He didn't.
Say that to his face.
He didn't take our advice on this special.
Oh, my God.
Let me clarify.
I did say, and I do mean this.
I've seen Gerard absolutely fucking crush with hilarious bits.
So I told him, I was like, dude, I've seen you.
I know what you can do.
You can murder on that fucking stage.
But you're putting out these specials, which don't show that you're murdering.
And I got to justify to people how fucking hilarious you are.
So I said, I was like, yeah, don't do that thing where you like, I don't know if you're trying to be like artsy or something like that, but like, don't do the thing where you're not making people laugh, bro.
Because I...
You're a piece of shit.
It's about me.
Your specials are about me.
He's the wildest, dude.
He's the one that's.
Is that wrong to say?
I thought I'm looking out.
It's just wild as fuck, bro.
Yeah.
Well, anyway, he did the, well, he hosted SNL.
Yeah.
And I saw the open monologue, and he looked fucking great in that double-breasted suit.
I'm not going to lie.
He looks fucking good.
Yes.
Yo.
Very good.
For sure.
For sure gay, dressed that well.
Yes.
No way you're not gay.
He dresses way better now that he's out.
Absolutely.
Never dressed that well while he was in.
Yeah.
Out, killing it.
Killing it.
Definitely more wristy.
But at the same time, if you're controlling your wrists for your whole life, the first couple weeks, you're going to want to let it go.
Yeah.
Right?
100%.
Don't you, if your whole life, you're like, just fucking keep it like that, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Don't you?
Absolutely.
Oh, dude, I'm looking like one of those things outside the car dealership.
If I come out of the closet, I am fluid.
Yeah.
Okay.
And then he drops his special, which a lot of people are saying looks absolutely amazing, et cetera.
Is it traditional stand-up special?
It's called Rothaniel.
I haven't seen it.
No, it's not traditional stand-up.
It's more like just him coming out the closet and telling his whole story leading up to that moment.
Gotcha.
And using jokes and using stories in order to do it.
So if you look at it through the lens of a typical stand-up special, then maybe you're going to be like, wow, this isn't as many laughs as I thought I was going to get.
Is that what you're saying?
Correct.
Okay.
But if you're looking at it as like a performance piece.
Fantastic.
Interesting.
Yeah.
And Bo Burnham directs it.
People are saying it looks amazing as well.
Looks great.
So that's what it is.
It's just lens.
Like stand-ups are going to look at it and go, yo, why aren't there more jokes in this?
But if you have no clue that Gerard's even a stand-up, which there probably are a lot of people entering it not knowing that he's a stand-up, and they're just going to go, oh, this is a really cool story that happens to be funny every once in a while as well.
That's a bonus.
Yeah.
You know, is it, I mean, it's probably different, but remember John Languizamo's one-man shows?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like those had serious moments as well.
But it's a one-man show.
Is that what it is?
I mean, it's hard to say.
Like, he's just sitting the whole time.
There's like, there's no, it's not theatric at any sense.
Like, I don't know.
I don't know how do you really label this.
And shot in a really interesting way.
People kept going.
Shot at the blue note.
I almost think it's intentional to be right across the street from the seller and not shoot at the seller.
Bi Stand-Up Story00:03:27
Why?
I don't know.
It's just not.
I think it's hammering home the point that it's not stand-up.
Now, most people wouldn't pick up on it, but if you're a stand-up, I think who knows New York, you'd be like, huh, right across the street from the cellar and not at the seller.
Do you think there was like a jazz play to it?
I mean, this isn't a good thing.
Maybe it's a jazz play, maybe.
Yeah.
And the lighting, again, is beautiful.
Yeah.
And there's like, I saw some of it.
I probably saw 20.
I saw up until he comes out of the closet and it was like really visceral.
Like you just want to hug him and tell him like, look, man, when you came out his bi, you said you were gay.
Yeah.
You know, what is what did you think we were confused about?
I just don't know.
You went through a lot of pain you didn't need to go through is what I'm saying.
As someone who cares about a guy's mental health, we know.
You know?
Stop torturing yourself, buddy.
Live your life.
Dude, that is funny.
Because he came out his bi, I think, on the breakfast club.
And no, his HBO special to his mom.
He like told his mom, I've had sexual experiences with other men in his home movies or whatever it was called.
And so it's like, what secret did you think you had, buddy?
I don't understand.
Oh, shit.
I didn't know that.
Yeah.
Oh, so you're out already.
Yeah.
That's my thing is, bruh.
Why are you going through this pain?
Yeah.
Right?
Like, dog, you don't need to do this to yourself.
Yeah, that's interesting.
You gay.
It's okay.
I tuned into this special knowing you were gay.
And the only thing that bothered me was 25 minutes in, the big secret was some shit we already knew.
Yeah.
It's like you had like a whole thing, like, I'm going to, hey, I got some secrets I need you to know.
And then 25 minutes in, you were like, sometimes I'm an asshole.
Dude, what idiots fucking bisexual men are?
What fucking idiots, dude, dealing with women when you don't even have to.
What an absolute dumbass, right?
You have the opportunity not to do it, right?
You love dicks just as much.
Yeah.
Like.
Or.
Say again.
More.
More.
Well, no, if you're bi, let's say it's even.
I'm not saying he's bi.
I'm just saying a bi person.
Do you think it's even for age?
Tell us how you feel.
Tell us how you feel, Dove.
What is it like?
You're not arguing with me, right?
No.
No, I don't think he understands what I'm saying.
I know.
Explain to him what I'm saying.
Dove, you're trying to cut out his bi right now.
Just tell us how you feel.
Yeah.
Notice he's controlling his wrists.
No, I guess what I'm saying is if you had the opportunity to just be fucking bi about it.
Yeah.
I mean, just be gay about it.
Like, if it's 50-50, now life might be more difficult.
Sure.
Depending on what industry you're in.
But if you worked at like Zara, probably be gay.
No?
If you're at Zara, you're gay.
If you work at Old Navy, you're straight.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There you go.
You play.
100%.
You work at a flight club, you know, just fucking lean, lean left.
Yeah.
You know, but if you work at Zara or you're working like a Sephora, wouldn't you rather be the gay guy, like talking about blush and shit?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
100%.
I see what you're saying.
You're doing a show in New York.
Maybe you're gay.
You're doing a show in Toledo.
Maybe you're straight.
Dude, that bi shit is fire when you think about it.
Which one?
No, you just because just keep, you could keep whoever you're in a relationship with on their toes.