Bert Kreischer details his $100,000 investment in "Two Bears Racing" and controversial political views supporting Boris Yeltsin while criticizing Putin. He discusses removing the "Machine" story from his Russia tour due to college bans on Tchaikovsky and contrasts Louis C.K.'s legal troubles with his own gonorrhea diagnosis. Kreischer reflects on refining his act after performing in Columbus rainstorms, emphasizing the need for comedians to hustle independently rather than relying on corporate networks. Ultimately, the episode highlights the complexities of navigating comedy in a polarized world while promoting upcoming live shows. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Birthday Racing Bears00:10:09
Since this experience in Russia changed your life, we thought we'd get you this shirt.
I love Russia.
I think that that's good.
That's a really cool office.
Yeah, yeah.
There you go.
Brett, there you go.
So that's a good one.
So happy now.
We got you this one.
This is a good one, too.
This is a good one.
Because of how much it's changed your life and your family's life, we just thought that you would like this.
Putting in a bear, obviously.
You know, if for whatever reason you get cold during the podcast, just something that you could possibly wear.
So really appreciate it.
So glad that I'm here, you know?
I was hoping to get a splash on the internet.
Hey, does anyone have a Klan hood?
I'm going to throw one of those on real quick.
Does anyone have any black face?
Real quick, just touch up under my eyes.
Oh, fuck.
This is the biggest mistake of my life.
Two Bears Racing is official, motherfuckers.
So you guys sponsored a race team?
Let's start here.
Yeah, yeah.
Who are with Burt Kreischer, everybody?
Hey, what's up, Beth?
Burt Kraiser.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Talk about this race team.
It's a pleasure to be here.
I enjoy the podcast, so it's a pleasure to be here.
By the way, I bum rushed Charlemagne the other day.
Okay.
I didn't do it.
Yeah, he guys had bad experiences.
PTSD.
You can't run up on him.
I mean, you're white, so it's okay.
I slapped him in the face.
I said, keep my wife's name out your fucking mouth.
I saw him.
I saw DJ Envy, who's tall as shit.
Definitely keep your wife's name out of his wife's name out of your mouth.
That's a good one.
I watched that one.
And so I saw DJ Envy, and he's much taller than I thought, but I recognized this part of him, you know?
The beard.
Everything here is not what you think it is.
And I went, hey.
And I was going doing like old school, like old white people radio.
Yeah.
And I was like, I was like, hey, man, I'm a huge fan.
And he was like, oh, thanks.
And then I looked around.
I was like, Angeli and Charlamagne got to be right in the room.
So I rolled in.
I looked for Angela first, and I saw Charlemagne.
And I was like, I just walked in their room.
I was like, I'm a huge fan of the Breakfast Club.
And they were like, oh, like this dad just wrote, soccer dad just rolled in.
And I was like, no, it's like the DMX.
You ever seen their DMX interview?
Yeah.
When he goes, catch me if you can.
That's the best fucking interview ever.
So you don't drive anymore?
No, I still drive.
Catch me if you can.
I don't know.
What were we talking about before this?
You just got a racing walk.
He spent $100,000 and talking about Charlemagne.
So it started with birthday presents.
So Tommy bought me a birthday present for my wife bought me a shitty one for like my 46th birthday.
That never changes.
I know.
Your money, too.
She bought me a fucking wallet last year.
Okay.
A wallet.
Yeah.
Now she picks how I put that shit in my pocket.
Like, a wallet's a very personal thing.
No one buys other people fucking wallets.
Does this have Tom's name on it?
Toomey.
Oh, Toomey.
Doesn't it look like it just says Tom?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I get this.
She grabbed that from the bedside table, bro.
I get this.
That's a wild guy.
That's a wild.
That's slap.
Two bears wood kid, bro.
Keep his husband's name out of your fucking mouth.
Do you realize how many people are putting his wife's name in their mouth?
What's the funnest thing to do?
What's my mouth?
So three years ago, I get a shit birthday present.
I got a generator for my wife.
And I was like, I was like, what?
Yeah.
And I was like, she's like, do you like it?
And I was like, no.
And then I'm sitting in my mancake.
My daughter's giving me shit.
My daughters got me an owl one year.
Like there's an owl to sit in my man cave with me and I can drink with.
So I like owls.
And then they took it away.
That was my birthday present.
Yeah.
So Tom, Georgia comes running.
My oldest comes back.
She goes, don't go out front.
Tommy sent you the best gift.
And I was like, what?
And then Isla comes in.
goes, buns sent you the best gift, dad.
And I get out and it's a $3,000 electric bike that goes 40 miles an hour.
Oh, which one?
It's, I don't know.
Huck.
The big one.
It looks like a beach cruiser.
And so, and so he calls me, goes, go, go outside.
I go outside.
I see it.
That night I get drunk.
I take it everywhere.
I have the best fucking time.
And I get the next day.
I see him.
We do two bears.
And I go, it was really thoughtful of you.
And he goes, well, I enjoyed it.
And I thought you would enjoy it.
And we started talking about how men know men better.
And we theorized that gay men give the best birthday presents.
And then gay listeners started emailing in their birthday presents because with gay men, they have to one-up each other every year because they're men.
Yes.
But they also love each other.
So like, I got Subway Series tickets for my boyfriend.
So Tom and I like, that's what we'll do.
We're going to do gay birthdays.
We're going to do fire every year.
You got to buy someone.
And so I was like, his birthday is in April.
It's this April 15th.
And so I said, I got him.
Last year, I got him a $15,000 jet ski.
So he moved to Austin that goes 70 miles per hour on the water.
And he calls me up.
He's like, I love it.
And then this year, I was really busy and he spent $70,000 on me for my birthday.
He flew me in private jets, the G5s, from Minneapolis into Austin, from Austin to Sugarland, from Sugarland to LA, from LA, back out.
He put me up at the Four Seasons Everywhere.
And he was like, that's your birthday present.
So I had to spend $100,000 on his birthday this year.
He spent a lot more than $70,000 on those jets.
I'm just trying to let you know.
I think he did.
I bought him a race team.
You bought him a race team.
It was Two Bears Racing.
So we've already sold at sales to sponsors on the outside of the car.
We're going to do endurance racing.
Matt Farrell from the Smoking Tire kind of hooked everything up.
I bought him a BMW.
We're getting it wrapped.
It just got delivered to Austin.
I bought a trailer.
I got a smoker.
I got four more tires.
I got three flame retardant suits.
I think Rogan's going to run in our first race, but it's endurance racing.
And so I had the whole fucking inside of the car pimped out with electronics so you can live stream from the car during a fucking race.
It is fucking badass.
So yeah, we started Two Bears Racing.
And the endurance racing is like it's a 24 hour.
I don't really know what the fuck it is.
I'm the money man behind it, okay?
He looks like an endurance athlete.
I'm the pink guy with the cigar going, god damn it, he's running those tires hot.
Like that's me.
That's my part of Two Bears Racing.
So yeah, it just got delivered.
Wow, that's a good gift.
Don't have a cocktail.
Yeah, I think that's a great idea.
Does Tom know about this?
Yeah.
Well, yeah, because it got complicated.
You need to get his sizes.
We had to start an LLC.
I mean, it's like fucking, it's.
Being an adult.
It's the worst part of being a bad person.
It's the worst, dude.
Yeah.
You're not even an adult yet.
I know.
You just got married.
I know.
I only have kids.
You haven't fantasized by your second wife yet.
How long have you been doing that?
Oh, I do it all the time.
Really?
To my wife.
I talked to my wife about it.
I started introducing my wife as my first wife to people.
And they're like, oh, you're divorced?
I go, no, not yet.
We're working on it.
But yeah, no, no, I fuck around with Leanne's got a good sense of humor.
She's game for everything.
Except, did I run this by you when we hung out?
Probably.
We wanted to get a bus muse.
This is something because you take the bus, a tour bus.
I live on the tour bus.
Yeah, because you don't like flying.
I don't like five.
Unless it's a G5.
Unless it's private.
I really don't like flying.
I get my stomach.
I'm just bad.
I'm bad.
I don't like wearing a mask.
I don't like.
Now with COVID, it's gotten really bad.
Yeah.
Like really bad.
I've talked about it on podcasts.
I gotta have to get into therapy because of it.
Wait, really?
Yeah, I had a meltdown after I did Red Rocks.
I was flying out of Denver to go home and I had a bad spell.
Like bad spell.
I think I talked about it on Two Bears 1K, but I had to go into therapy because of it because it was just like, I don't know, man.
It's like everyone's got fucking masks on and no one can break the rules.
And it just seems like everything's like, it just, it sends me through the roof.
And so, and I got into a bad spin.
And so now it's just easier if I go on the road, I fly out.
Everything's kind of clumped together anyway.
Live on the bus for a month and then come into the city, do spots.
We get a mountain house in Breckenridge next week.
Like, just kind of like, it's an easier lifestyle.
For me, it's healthier, you know.
And you want a muse for the bus.
So I came up with the idea of getting a muse right after that.
What's that girl's name?
Julia Fox.
Megan Fox.
Julia Fox.
Julia Fox.
She's like, yeah, she's like, I'm his Muse.
And I was like, I bet that's real, right?
Yeah.
I was like, what if we pay a chick, hot chick, hot, smoking hot chick, a thousand bucks a week to live on our bus, just roll joints, just be giddy, just be like, like Kate Hudson in almost famous.
And I was like, you know, just like, hey, do you guys want cocktails?
And you're like, fuck yeah, you know?
And then you just inspired, you're more creative.
I'm working all my next hour.
My wife killed that immediately.
And what was her issue with that?
What does she find weird about it?
Just paying a woman to just be giddy?
Am I not happy enough?
And definitely fuck her in the future.
No one can fuck her.
That's the part of a music.
No one can fuck her.
No one can fuck her.
No one can.
Yeah, fuck yeah.
It's a job.
Even if, well, that's a job.
Hold on.
Don't know for a second.
I know your brain works the way my brain does.
Content?
Yes.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
We had Rosebud Baker on our bus for one week.
Yeah, yeah.
And our views were through the fucking roof.
And she's Rosebud.
Like, imagine if you get a professional fucking music.
Imagine if you get a fucking someone giddy.
Yeah, just like, just like not vape pen and just fucking rolling joints in a bikini.
And she comes out and she's like, I think we should play hide and go seek on the bus tonight.
You're like, fuck it.
You know, like, and so, and just content.
I was like, content will be great.
Yeah.
But no one can fuck her.
No one can fuck her.
Everybody has to treat her with respect.
You just get to pick her outfit.
Well, we're going to work as a team.
We need to, you know.
You need her muse for outfits.
I'm her mentor, right?
So my wife's like, I'm looking for an entanglement.
All right.
You got to try these.
You're so fucking good.
It tastes like Kool-Aid.
Let me try one.
Let me try it.
I don't do it.
She doesn't drink.
Oh, that's right.
Do you still drink a gallon of Kool-Aid a day?
Taste that and tell me.
And you're going to.
Oh, this is why it's a Kool-Aid beverage, basically.
Taste it.
Comedy Level Up00:15:18
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, that's great.
It's fucking great.
Yeah.
Dirty treat.
Tastes like a Tahitian treat.
Wait, Transfusion.
There you go.
Dirty girl.
Trans?
Dirty girl.
Trans.
Elliot.
Yeah, what do you think of the swimmer?
What?
The trans swimmer?
Is that on your radar at all?
No, no, no.
This is a great.
Oh, I love this.
This is great.
Anytime it's a really like political or controversial topic, you just go, what's happening?
How do you feel about January 6th?
What happened?
Was there a weekend?
Dude, I missed a date.
Anniversary?
Where's that supposed to be?
I wish I did that about everything.
There's so much I wish I did today.
Because we would believe it with you.
We could 100% believe that you missed the whole storming of the Capitol.
Yeah.
I was late to it, definitely.
I was definitely late to it.
And at the beginning, I was definitely one of the guys that I was like, oh, like, cool.
I'm witnessing singing history.
And then I was like, oh, not cool.
Not cool.
And then later, like, wait, how do we feel about this?
Anything political?
I got to put out feelers first and go, what's your take?
What do you got?
Yeah.
So, okay, okay.
Like, Tim Dylan, I'm not Tim Dylan.
You know, I am not Tim Dylan.
You know, Lil Doo Ball.
Yeah.
Little Doodle's day is great.
He's like, I'm voting for who y'all voting for.
Whatever his fans say, he just goes, who are we voting for in the election?
Okay, that's what I'll vote for.
Because I want to do weekends still.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm not, I'm not political in that.
Like, I remember Megan Markle.
Yeah.
That's one thing I caught was that interview, right?
Yeah.
And my sounding board was wrong.
Like, I talked to the wrong person.
You were supporting Megan.
No.
He's bashing me.
I was bashing Megan.
And then I think your sounding board is.
That's the right thing, right?
No, well, my sounding board was fucking Tim Dylan.
I texted Tim.
I was like, what did you think about this Mel Markle thing?
He's like, You're saying you don't want to be controversial.
So, you asked Tim Dylan for his opinion.
I know.
No, I just, I'm just running it by him to see what he thinks, like going, like hearing about it.
And then I go, Yeah, that's how I feel.
And then my dad never let me agree on it.
Like, never let me be right.
So, whatever the thing was, I can always argue the other side of it.
Yeah, gotcha.
So, like, the Iraq war started.
Yeah.
And I came home with my opinion.
Yeah.
I was 17, 16, 17.
And I was like, fucking war is bullshit.
We need to stop the war.
And my dad's like, you're a fucking idiot.
Go to your room.
And I was, I'm 17.
So I go to my room.
I'm sitting there.
And he comes up and he goes, do you know why you're stupid?
And I said, no.
And he was like, well, come on down.
I'll explain to you why you're an idiot.
He's like, Saddam Hussein is exterminating another whole race of people.
He is doing it with chemical warfare.
And this is the first opportunity in my lifetime that I'm getting to watch a war happen.
So why don't you sit down and we'll watch this war and we'll have a conversation about it.
And I was like, oh, my dad did that to me my whole fucking life.
Really?
So any like Will Smith, Chris Rock last night hits it.
Now, I know Will.
Like I've known Will for, I knew Will, I should say, but I mean, I know Will.
I don't know him to be that guy.
Yeah.
But I see the look on Chris's face after the slap.
He tries to put words together.
Yeah.
And I identify with that guy.
That's who I am.
I got beat up for telling jokes.
Like I got beat up in college for writing a song about our fraternity.
And one guy just, you know, people that don't get jokes are just dumber than everyone else.
They just are, really, sometimes.
Yeah.
And he took it the wrong way.
I used his girlfriend's name in it and he fucking suplexed me on my head, gave me a concussion.
They found me.
I'm not saying about his girlfriend.
I'm not saying it again.
You're not going to find him.
It's been that fucking long.
No, he lives in Tampa and I still don't want to fight that fucking guy.
All I said is that he fucked her.
He's like, her name rhymed.
He fucks his girlfriend.
That's all I said because he fucks his girlfriend.
And probably a lot of other guys, too.
No, no, no.
Since then.
I said he, no, he married her.
He's married to her.
Yeah, but still, he's in Tampa.
He's in Tampa.
Some fucking buccaneers probably ram through that.
But he's like, Jesus Christ.
Bro, why would you make me say these things?
Why would you do this to me?
But so I've been there.
So when Chris got hit, when he was like, when he stumbled and he was like, we got documentary.
Yeah, yeah.
I've been that guy.
I've been that guy.
So like my instinct is to, every comic's been that guy.
Any comic.
Yeah.
No, comics are tough guys.
There's no tough guy comics.
Even as tough as you think you are, you're still not that tough, right?
Yeah.
And so like, I don't know.
I just the idea that he got, I don't know that he got slapped, but then, so then my brain goes, but I know Will, right?
And I imagine if someone said, so I do that all the time where I go both sides of the fence.
Yeah.
So I never really, that's why I don't talk about politics.
I trashed Brittany Spears's the other day.
Yeah.
Because you see the picture of her boyfriend?
Yeah.
Pulls out the new watch.
Yeah.
He's looking nice.
Velvet gloves on.
Yeah.
And I was like, oh, that was smart, man.
Yeah.
You just got your money from the thing.
And that's you go out and buy a $250,000 watch.
And then I started shitting on them.
And then in the middle of shitting on them, I flipped it and started shitting on the dad.
And then I'm like, so I have an ability to find both sides.
Yeah.
That's good.
That makes it fun.
You have to talk a lot for a limit.
You're in the right place.
Yeah.
What was the one you were saying for both the spin zone?
Transgender swimmer.
Oh, yeah, the transgender swimmer.
I only know one swimmer.
Okay.
Caleb Dressel.
Ooh.
Yeah.
I'm challenging him to a swim.
He's the world record holder for the 50-free.
And what are you challenging him in?
I'm challenging him in freestyle.
Okay.
And so we're going to handicap it.
So I just texted him with him the other day.
We're going to put him in, I think, in overalls, Daisy Duke overalls.
And I'm going to get flippers.
And we're going to see if I can beat him.
And if I beat him, I get a deal with Speedo.
That guy?
That guy.
Yeah, yeah.
That's going to be tough.
He is gorgeous.
He's a piece.
I'm not going to lie.
Speedo came up with that baiting season.
I don't think they ever had that in mind, but man, that looks good on a speech.
Yeah, that one right there, the big one that you have, go back to the big one where he looks like the fucking Persian king in 300.
Yeah, gosh.
Flexing, boy.
Yeah.
And here I am wearing Kanye's hoodie looking like Ralphie Mae.
Yeah.
Jesus Christ.
So, yeah.
So, like, that's where I'm, I'm the kind of guy that would, like, if you show me, if you go him and you want to take a look at these pictures, if I'm not in them, I'm not there.
I don't give a fuck to see anything I'm not in.
Yeah.
Like what you said.
You're a comedian.
And he goes, yeah, he goes, he goes, yeah, I got to leave on Thursday.
I go, where are you going?
You go, my wife's got time.
I was like, I'm out.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't care.
Yeah.
I admired that.
I admired the.
Who are we kidding?
I don't give a fuck.
I know my limitations.
I'm very, I think, I think about comedy.
That's all I want to fucking think about is comedy.
Yeah.
That's it.
Yeah.
So why do you need this muse bitch on the bus if you've already seen my comedy?
Take my comedy to the next fucking level.
Oh, she's going to be the inspiration.
Have you ever had a muse?
Like, like a dated a chick where you like just dated, but it didn't work out.
My wife's nagging gives me a lot of material, actually.
So yes, in a sense.
Yeah.
My wife said to me, I thought I was your muse.
I said, you're my muffler.
You tell me what not to say.
I say the fucking.
And then my wife would be like, boom, That's the whole fucking Don Lemon shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She was like, that's not coming out.
And I was like, hold on.
She goes, no, you're an asshole.
You look like an asshole.
And she goes, I don't know if your laughing made him laugh harder, but you guys were laughing so fucking hard.
So that's my wife.
My wife's a muffler.
When I record this up, when I recorded Bert Cast with Bert, which the episode will come out sometime in 2026, I was waiting.
I was doing this.
Listen, I was waiting until all the ones.
All the ones that you did in LA came out and then give you that second bump.
You're the best.
If you dump them with everyone else, everyone's like, oh, I just saw him on that.
He's probably saying the same shit.
ITs.
But we found out how much Don Lemon made.
For some reason, it came up.
CNN news anchor Don Lemon.
CNN news anchor.
Guess how much Don Lemon makes?
I mean, it's a lot of money to most people.
Hold on.
Stop.
You're already setting it up in a bad way.
This is why we have to edit it out.
How much do you think Don Lemon makes?
Maybe $10 million a year.
$10 million a year?
What do you think?
Three, four?
Three, four.
That's interesting that you picked that.
What do you think?
Yeah, like $10 million.
Yeah.
I was thinking, honestly, I was thinking he's probably in a five-year deal, probably worth $100 million.
He's facing a $20 million a year.
$20 million a year.
Because he works every day, right?
He's on air.
He's the face of maybe the most popular news network on the planet.
Now, let's go pull up Patreon real quick and see what the average Patreon guy gets.
And then, so based on Patreon, which is us, right?
Yeah.
That's us.
Not me, but that's our group of friends.
Yeah.
Knowing what Tim Dylan makes.
Tim Dylan makes a quarter of a million every month, I think, roughly.
He's probably up by now.
Yeah.
When I saw that Tom Dylan, that Tom Lemon made $4 million a year, it just struck me.
You can't pick what you laugh at.
I've never seen a human being laugh harder.
And I think Mark knew how much he made.
I think Mark knew.
I told him his story.
Why was it so shocking?
Because everything made sense.
He had to dress away, right?
What?
No, no.
It's a suit.
Like, he had to put on the suit.
He had to put on the suit.
He used to live in Atlanta.
I worked for Travel Channel, right?
And I remember the hoops I had to jump through.
The person I had to be to work for the network.
Couldn't smoke weed on air with Rogan.
I couldn't really.
They asked me to stop cursing a lot on an amount of money.
For an amount of money.
And my nut was, at the time, was, I want to say a million dollars a year.
Yeah.
And I remember thinking it's worth it.
I was like, it's fucking worth it.
Now that was Travel Channel.
Yeah.
Right?
See that laugh?
That laugh?
Tell you to go to people's garages.
This could have said what happened today.
Mix made $4 million.
Go get me.
I'm not going to start laughing.
I'm not going to start laughing.
That's great.
Like, he's got to show up every day.
He's got to say what happens.
And you just had to go, let's have a bump.
This is everything.
And my wife fucking hated me for it.
She goes, this will never come out.
He's burning.
Everything you say is that it's not about the money.
It's about how much it would cost you to do that.
To live in Atlanta.
Just number one.
Number one.
I love Atlanta, but you're going to say, I got to live in Atlanta.
Yeah.
So now, hold on.
If you are making $4 million, you don't think they're literally living in Atlanta.
You are Atlanta.
You get to be able to get a lot of time.
There was a time.
There was a time you would have killed the living in Atlanta.
What's your daughter's name?
Yeah.
Georgia.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You are Atlanta, Bert.
Bro, I possibly am Atlanta.
Now, I might pivot well.
You might pivot well.
Okay, hold on.
I didn't think this through.
You're right, Rick Ross.
I would like Atlanta.
You're Richard Ross.
Do you like how I flip hop on myself?
You are fucking Atlanta.
Hang out with Big Boy from Outcast, Andre 2000.
Killer Mike.
Killer Mike.
Yeah.
I could live in Atlanta.
I might like that.
Okay, so you're into Atlanta.
Okay, I'm into Atlanta.
The guy has to live in Atlanta, dude.
Wear that stupid suit.
Humid.
Yeah.
Humid Atlanta.
Pretend he doesn't suck dicks all day.
He has to change his voice when he goes into the office so he can make people think he doesn't suck dicks in the hamstrings.
Dude, this is what my wife didn't want.
She's like, you're getting on Don Lemon's radar.
And that guy is a like that network.
How powerful is he if he makes four million dollars?
He makes four million dollars.
Put a hit out on him.
Four million.
It makes sense.
You make good money, bro.
Not like a murder.
But what?
I don't know.
I don't suck his dick so much.
Come on, Bert.
I'm not fucking with Don Lemon.
I'm taking it out.
Apparently, this has been edited out.
I did not know.
You're afraid of Don Lemon?
No, You know what I'm afraid of?
What are you afraid of?
I'm afraid.
What are you doing?
I'm afraid that people will listen.
Because you said at one point you go, $4 million is a lot of money.
It looks like I'm laughing at $4 million.
You are laughing.
You are.
I'm laughing at the sacrifice.
Yes.
When you look at the life we get, where you call me today and you're like, hey, you want to do Wednesday instead?
And I'm like, yeah.
And then you go, all right, fuck it, let's do it.
Freedom.
The amount of freedom I have.
And you look at Rogan, right?
What is his deal?
I mean, I know what they say it's worth.
I know what's worth.
Yeah, don't know.
And so, like, that's why people hate him.
That's why people hate him is because at your best, at your best, that's as high as you can go on that network.
That's his high because they have to do that.
It's almost like it's not, I mean, oh, that's why they hate Rogan because they know what they make.
Yeah.
And they know what he makes.
All the limits.
And they got to randomly lie.
Like they're going to work to lie and wear a suit and restrictions, restrictions, restrictions.
And they still can't make the money from that.
I mean, never, never.
I mean, and then you look at like Chris Cuomo gets fired and you go, that's probably the best thing that ever happened to that fucking guy.
Yeah.
You think?
What's her?
What's Megan?
Megan Kelly?
Yeah.
She goes off on her own and signs a huge fucking deal.
Yeah.
And you go, she got fired from that one too.
For real?
Yeah.
She's hot as fuck.
She's a beautiful woman.
She is news.
Oh, news.
News news.
That's the news news.
The news news.
Dude, you wake up.
Her and Leanne would get along.
You think, dude?
At what point do I start making eye contact with my wife when Megan Kelly's in the room?
I'm like, yeah, Shut up, Leanne.
She's talking.
Go ahead.
Leanne, she's talking.
Hey, we got bills.
Leon Ann, I think dogs are barking.
Go ahead, Megan.
I'm so sorry.
Sure fits.
She interrupted us.
Leon, you're interrupting me like I make $4 million or something.
Fall in line, lady.
She's sweating already from this fucking podcast.
So, yeah, that's the whole fucking.
That was the whole.
Listen, you need to put it out.
Let us put it on our Patreon.
Okay.
You'll see Bert Chrysler and his man cave in fucking flip-flops.
Yes.
Cry laughing at Don Lemon making $4 million a year for at least two and a half minutes straight.
I mean, if I was Don Lemon, that would break my fucking heart.
It would break, it would break my heart.
Like, you are dying laughing at the peak of my career, the peak of my career.
It's so funny.
Yeah, you lost it at me.
I couldn't.
You know, when people laugh really hard, it makes me laugh really hard.
It's got the pinky out in the fucking Kool-Aid bed.
This guy don't make no $4 million.
He's classy.
It's like the best is even, I can talk about it because no one saw it.
When you see it, it's different.
It's like a sex tape.
When you go, I think it's funnier when you see it.
Oh, yeah.
It's not Liam was fucking disgusted at me.
Really?
It's like when she saw, we were thinking at one point to release the Ari Drugging Me thing.
Oh, we need to talk about that.
That's craziness.
Yeah, we were thinking at one point to release that and I showed it to someone.
And they said, no.
It's so disturbing.
Yeah, it's just, it's like, it's real.
It's like watching.
Yeah, but you see me in a different light.
You see me scared.
Like, it's, it's not, it's not, it's like, no.
You're not having fun.
You're like, what's happening?
Oh, dude, I got, oh, no, I wasn't having fun at all.
I was watching a panic attack.
I get.
That's kind of funny.
My face goes into a weird way, and I'm like, do you have it on you, by the way?
No, no.
No, I have it.
I have it uploaded to a server, and then I've showed it to people.
And it's just, it's like he seems very callous.
Like, he is like, I go, it's very real.
Like, I go, hey, man, I feel weird.
He's like, do you?
Watching a Panic Attack00:03:01
Do you?
Because he's high.
And I'm like, yeah, what's wrong?
He goes, maybe someone put something in your drink.
And I was like, huh?
And he's like, okay.
It's it.
You're on Molly.
And I, and you see me realize I'm on a list of medications.
I have high blood pressure.
I don't know how I'm going to react to this.
Oh.
And it's, and it's like, and I am feeling weird.
Like my face is burning.
Oh, and so you see it in my eyes and then you see him really not give a fuck, like genuinely not give a fuck about possibly losing a friend.
It's just as bad.
Oh, you thought you were going to die.
Bro, 100% guy.
Medication, perhaps reacting badly.
That does change the whole thing.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break.
We need to talk about the infamous tour.
New York City, thank you so much.
Right now, there are only single seats available for Radio City, man.
That is fucking unreal.
Amazing.
Yeah.
Thank you guys so much.
That's absolutely amazing.
That's 12,000 tickets we sold, man.
That is big numbers, bro.
All we got left is Atlantic City and Vancouver.
That's it.
So, hey, DeAndreSchultz.com, you want to come see the infamous tour?
Those are the places.
And then it's a wrap, man.
Then we get out this special and then we start from scratch and that's going to be fun.
Hell yeah.
So Akash, what you got cooking, man?
Yo, this weekend, Toledo.
I'm coming to the funny bone.
Come through.
April 8th and 9th, I'm going to be at the Tampa Improv and obviously Toronto.
Tickets are going fast.
April 22nd and 23rd.
We're not going to be able to add a show.
So if you don't get tickets to this, you are stuck out of luck.
Go to AkashSing.com for tickets.
Now let's get back to the show.
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Use Honey For Free00:08:08
Now let's get back to the show.
Bert, okay.
You know what's something I really admire about you?
I love that you lean in to your most viral moment.
Yes.
And you're proud of it.
You honor it.
You want to celebrate.
Are you talking about the machine?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Fuck you.
Like, we've had these kind of conversations before, but I just love that.
Like, some people have a moment and they run away and they're like, I don't want this thing to define me when it's like these moments always define you.
And you'll have others that also define you, et cetera.
But they're so afraid of having that one thing, right?
Well, I have theories.
I have theories.
Okay.
I have a theory that every comic needs something big to pop once and then a body of work behind them to blow them up.
I think that.
And I think for Bill Burr, it's the Philly thing.
His Philly thing goes viral.
Everyone's going to be able to do it.
And they see the other thing.
And then they see all the shit he's done.
But you need the body work as well.
Jeffrey's punching the head, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Joe Rogan, Carlos Mencia.
Everyone needs that pop.
But for me, it was that machine story.
And I got to be honest, I was done telling the story.
When I went back out on the road, so it goes viral like six years ago on the 28th of December.
It goes viral.
And then I go to Vinny Brands Club and it sells out.
And it was a blizzard.
And I was like, what the fuck?
I literally said on the Thursday show, why are you guys here?
Yeah.
So I knew my numbers, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they're like, the machine.
And I was like, oh, I retired that story.
And they're like, the fuck you out.
And so I kind of, and then the way I saw it, I was like, okay, well, this tour is in comedy clubs.
Now these are sold out.
They're all sold out.
We've added Thursday and Sunday shows.
Yeah.
Two on each.
And so there's more people that have ever seen me.
So I'll tell it for all the new people.
And then the next time you go in and you're doing two Wednesday, two Thursday, two Friday, three Saturday, two Sunday.
And then adding.
And so I was like, oh, it's more people.
Well, I'll tell it for the new people.
And then you do theaters.
Then you do two shows tonight at theaters.
Then you do bigger theaters.
Then you do arenas.
And then you're like, well, fuck, it's always more people.
And I'll be honest, I was with Ari and I, look, I still love Ari, but I was with him.
And he was like, don't tell the fucking story tonight.
And I went, you're going to listen to what happens when I don't.
And I go up and I was like, all right, that's it.
And they start booing.
And they're like, tell the fucking machine.
And I'm like, all right.
And so I tell it.
They go, the second I say, when I was 22 years old, I got involved with the Russian mafia.
They go fucking nuts.
And as long as I go nuts, I will be there.
Because here's the other thing.
Not to get too inside baseball, but I think you guys will get it.
Is I also was a failure in this business at one point.
So I remember thinking, give me one thing.
Give me one thing to help me splash.
I sat at the Ryman Theater and I watched Angela Johnson perform.
She did two shows.
I was with Ari Napargazi and just the three of us.
And I said out loud to both of them, this is before the machine goes viral.
Give me one bit that is as popular as her nail salon bit that I can sell out the Ryman twice.
I will tell it every fucking show.
I have no problem with it.
I have no problem with it.
Now I'm doing two Rymans and the Grand Old Opry, my first time in Nashville.
And you go, hey, man, remember what you wished for.
All you want is people to come to your shows.
That's it.
Every time I do a brand new hour, I've had, this is my third hour on Netflix that I'm getting ready for.
Every time I do a brand new hour, the hours perform really well.
People quote bits out of that, but the machine story, I think, was just, it was a different, it was a different monster.
I mean, I sold, I made a movie out of it.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm merch, tours, a nickname.
And I go, I'm not going to fucking.
I think it's great.
What's the guy's name?
Jimmy Buffett?
Give me.
Dude, I met Jimmy Buffett at Red Rocks.
Can you explain Jimmy Buffett to people who probably don't know who he is?
Yeah, I can.
Yeah, crack one of those open.
Okay.
Fucking Jimmy Buffett is all of us.
We all have a little bit of greatness in us.
And we're lucky enough if at one point that greatness rears its head and allows us to shine.
Now, for some kids, that's the gayest thing about this.
Brad Ratke.
Brad Ratke, I played baseball with him, right?
You ever played sports?
You boxed, right?
Basketball.
Basketball.
You ever played with someone that goes pro?
Not pro, but sure, good enough.
Yeah, yeah.
Brad Ratkey, I played baseball with him.
Every time he played, everyone was like, there's something special about that kid.
And I remember wanting, everyone on our team wanted to be special like him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so Jimmy Buffett represents that because he put out one album of just bangers and then was like, yep.
I'll keep writing.
But if you want to hear the hits, I am not better than you.
I'm here for the hits.
Now, what is the song we all know from Jimmy Buffett?
Well, I'm a big Jimmy Buffett fan, so I could name it.
Cheeseburger in Paradise, Margaritaville.
Margaritaville.
Margaritaville.
Get away again in Margaritaville.
I only know that line, but I know that line.
But Margaritaville is also like a chain of like his business.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fucking machine bars.
I'll do it.
So Margaritaville is based around his song, but it's also a restaurant.
He owns it.
I think it's like the alcohol that's in it.
It's like an experience built around who he is, and it's completely vertically integrated.
And he's leaned into this very successful song.
And these people come to see him.
They absolutely love him.
And I see inspiration of that with you.
And I think it's awesome.
And I was talking to Derek Poston, who opens for us, a hilarious comic, and he went to your show and he was like, he gets it in terms of show.
Now, I haven't seen your show yet, but like from the way he described it, you make the whole show a show.
It starts before the show even happens.
Before the show starts.
That's something that we pride ourselves on.
It's like when you walk in the venue.
I watch your videos.
So when I see other people doing it, I'm like, okay.
I'm like, if I always look at people who have success over a long period of time and you just see them continually growing, that means the show is really good.
Because those people can see a show and then go, okay, I saw I don't need to come back.
And then the numbers dwindle.
We see people have quick pops and all of a sudden they're back playing one nighters.
When you see people continue to grow, they're delivering an experience.
You got to be in the moment.
You got to love it.
And you got to be cool with failure.
Because if you're not cool with failure, you're never going to try new shit.
And so I've tried a lot of shit that worked and didn't work.
And then I just leave the stuff that works.
I mean, a perfect example is that drive a movie theater tour.
Yeah.
I came up with that idea.
That looked amazing on video, but as a comic, I'm like, this would be the worst possible way to perform stand-up.
There are comics that did not like it.
Yeah.
However, I knew what I was offering.
So I was offering was an opportunity.
Now, we played some venues, like the amphitheaters were fucking amazing.
They're built for it.
They're built for it.
There's places that are built for it.
But we went in and the first day we were in North Carolina, it was in a rock quarry, and people were getting to get out of their house for the first time and live normal.
They were all staying socially distant, but they brought smokers and grills and couches and filled the bed of their truck up with water, brought hot tubs.
And they were getting to live like grading the fucking tailgate and have a blast.
I said I was going to do four of them, and I ended up doing 35 cities, 75 shows, and the experience that I saw was amazing.
Now, were there times that it was not the best show?
100%.
But I'll never forget it.
And everyone that went to them, they go, hey, man, I watched a great comedy show, but more importantly, I got out of the house when everyone was locked in.
And I fucking felt like I was a part of a community.
Mutual experience.
Awesome, dude.
And you can talk to anyone.
Nate Pargati, Jim Gaffigan, Brian Regan, they all did them.
And man, that first show, I'll tell you, it was rough.
I got up.
I'd had an hour ready, and I did it in 35 minutes.
I got Dolt the Machine Story twice.
But you got to be, because I wanted Tom to do it with me.
And Tom was like, oh, man, I don't want to be a guinea pig.
And I was like, I'm cool with being a guinea pig.
Mutual Experience Community00:05:47
I like trying new shit.
Like, I want, I want to, I want, I don't know.
I like to learn from people.
Like, when I watch you guys, like, I don't think I'm not watching you like a student where I go, like, oh, that's fucking badass.
That's a great idea.
Now, I'll never take anyone's idea, but if that inspires me to do something creative, yeah, dude.
Rogan, look at Rogan.
My whole career is based off of me meeting Joe Rogan in his house, doing a podcast and going, this is fucking sick.
I want to do this.
This is what I want.
And the next thing you know, I got Two Bears, One Cave.
We have Bill Burt, fucking, you name it.
And Birdcast open tabs and I go, oh, I love being inspired from comics, you know?
Yeah.
No, it's great.
And that's the cool thing.
Like, even that, that machine story, like, for those of you who don't, are not familiar with it, make sure you go check it out.
It's got fucking tens of millions of views online.
I'm sure.
What is it probably at?
85.
85 million.
On all platforms, yeah.
And like, this is your experience in Russia.
And you got kind of like kids.
Got involved with the motivation.
A little bit, got involved with the legitimate.
But weirdly, this like, you know, horrendous experience in Russia, now you have this amazing, blossoming career.
Not because of it.
You did a lot of other work, but it's because of it.
That wasn't.
You got to have some good feelings.
Dude, I was doing it.
I was hustling hard as fucking stand-up.
I was trying hard.
I was doing all the things.
This is what's frustrating about this business is you hear like, you hear people go, hard work, hard work.
You go, you need some luck.
You need a couple things.
Things of luck.
Something to just happen where hard works are.
Hard work is the foundation.
That luck is going to make all those plants start to grow.
You plant all the seeds.
So there's got to be this little bit of love, obviously, for Russia.
So, you know, we made sure that we got a couple things for you.
Oh, shit.
Start with the.
Yeah.
So since this experience in Russia, you know, changed your life, we thought we'd get you this shirt.
You know, I love Russia.
I think that that's.
Pretty good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, there you go.
There you go.
You know, there you go, Brett.
There you go.
So that's a good one.
And then we...
So happy, man.
We also got, we got, we got you this one.
This is a good one, too.
This is a good one.
Because of how much it's changed your life and your family's life and your kids.
We just thought.
Yeah, we just thought that you would like this.
Putin and a bear, obviously.
Exactly.
Like the two bears, the cake.
This is great.
This is great.
One bear, one Putin.
One bear, one dictator.
So we just got some vodka in case you want to start going, probably your favorite vodka, just in case.
Solie is my favorite.
Yeah.
And, you know, if for whatever reason you get cold during the podcast, just something, again, that you could possibly wear.
So I really appreciate it.
So glad that I'm here, you know?
I was hoping to get a splash on the internet.
Oh, look at that.
So make sure she gets gone.
Oh, my God.
I mean, Russia's giving you so much about the podcast.
Hey, does anyone have a Klan hood?
I'm not going to throw one of those on real quick.
Hey, can anyone have any black face?
Real quick, just touch up under my eyes.
Oh, fuck.
This is the biggest mistake of my life.
I'm editing that double thing out tomorrow.
Welcome to the Flag of Two Podcast.
We're here with Burke Reichser.
Now, have people accuse you of being a Russian spy?
Oh, well, when I spent my time in Dresden after the war, I was working with the KGB and it just wasn't exciting.
And when I was there, the Soviet Union changed so much during perestroika that I thought, this isn't the Russia I grew up knowing and loving.
That's right.
So I was like, we need to reclaim these outer places, Belarus, Ukraine.
That's what I said.
Yes.
This is your idea.
This is your idea.
You realize, you realize this will get taken out of context.
What?
Views on the other side.
And then I realized they're going to be like, by the way, I will fucking tour Russia hard as fuck.
I will be like, fucking five shows in Moscow at the Bolshoi Ballet.
Bolshoi!
Stop watching your motherfuckers!
Who's ready for a little party?
Now, in support of Ukraine, would you take the machine story out of your act as some of these colleges have stopped performing Tchaikovsky and other things?
Take these off while this chance.
I got a fucking movie in the can.
Listen, I'll repost whatever you need me to repost.
Actually, you're taking it out of my act.
We did some research on this.
I think you're clean.
Because when you were there, Yeltsin.
Yeah.
Yeah, Boris Yeltsin.
Was in charge.
Yep.
Not Putin.
It was technically Soviet Union, if I'm not mistaken.
No, it was not.
No, no, it was fine.
It was after Perestroika.
It was the 90s.
It was the 90s.
Fuck.
95.
But it was still Yeltsin.
It was Yeltsin.
So you're good, dude.
I'm good.
Everybody loved Yeltsin.
Yeah.
He was like the big dancing bear.
Yeah.
And didn't he have like a little birthmark or some shit?
No, that's Chekhov.
Not Chekhov.
Lenin.
No, but not Yeltsin.
Hang on, stop, stop.
Yeah, right.
He was the guy.
He was the guy I had.
He was like my guy growing up.
Gorbachev.
Gorbachev.
Gorby.
Dude, I remember saying to someone, I wrote a book and in it, I wrote about the machine.
I wrote the story.
And I remember explaining what I thought of Russians as a kid.
It's like when we were kids, and I'm older than you guys, we were fighting the commies, right?
Dancing Bear Yeltsin00:15:28
Yeah.
And you just didn't, you were like, oh, they wear like leather boots with wooden soles and their clothes itch.
And I didn't realize that a bunch of Russian people would read that and go, yeah, that was our fucking life.
And they got upset.
Yeah.
Like, yo, I mean, I feel bad for Russian people.
I really do.
People, yes.
The people.
They can't do anything.
They're stuck.
They're literally stuck there.
If they talk some shit, they get locked up, maybe killed, whatever.
Who's a Pussy Riot?
Pussy Riot's still in jail, I think.
No.
Yeah, dude.
Really?
Yeah.
I have that joke in my movie, and I don't think anyone's going to get it.
No one remembers who Pussy Riot was.
I remember those two lesbian girls.
I think it was three.
And one was fucking hot, and she did a porn.
Muse.
In a heartbeat.
I think you can get out.
How fun.
Ready?
Yes, go on.
You're in bed.
Everyone's in bed.
They're in their bunks.
Right.
She puts on that pink ski mask.
Yep.
Rips off her top and says, fucking all the shit.
Jokes.
It's all written on lipsticks.
Tattoo.
Oh, that's tattoo.
Come on.
Sorry.
Am I thinking of tattoo?
I think you think of tattoo.
You're thinking of tattoo.
No, that's tough.
All the things she said.
All the things she said.
They're not pussy riots in jail.
Pussy riots in jail.
Pussy riots.
Type in there's one pussy riot girl who did a porn.
She is hot.
Can we get that porn up?
Yeah, it's how long ago was this porn?
Oh, it's got to be a while now.
Oh, we don't need that.
Wait, why?
Why?
Why?
More modern muse, you know?
Oh, yeah.
I think she had a kid.
I think she had a kid.
She's not going to be like giddy.
You still want that positive kid on anything.
She's downtrodden by life.
Cigarette voice.
You don't need that.
Get a nice young muse.
While you get up this, what is it?
Pussy riot girl.
While you get up the pussy rice.
They used to do like her and her boyfriend used to do have sex videos.
I guess they're porns, but they were doing them for something else.
They were doing them to raise awareness or something.
For freedom.
I guess.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of pornography, probably.
While we're talking about sex, Louis C.K., Another Little Drama.
Yeah.
I saw that.
I just saw the headline.
Wild headline.
I just saw the headline before we did this podcast.
Wild headline.
Have you guys?
Someone read.
I listen.
Can you read the email?
Oh, I had to sanitize.
We ain't shit.
Comedians ain't shit.
Well, I said that to three people before I even read the article.
Yeah.
Dude, I would love.
Can I tell you what I'd love?
I'd love to trade my Rogan text thread for your Rogan text thread and see what we say.
It's the same me.
I guarantee you.
I want to see.
I would love to see if, like, because sometimes you'll text something to someone and then you'll hear them talk about it in a podcast.
Yeah, yeah.
And you're like, you're not going to give me fucking credit?
I put you on game.
You didn't even know what dead naming was before I texted him to you.
I need my fucking glasses.
Wait, hold on.
Do you want me to look at it?
Wow, wow, wow.
Okay, go, go.
Tell me if you got this in your chat thread.
Do you have that in your chat?
Yeah, yeah.
That's a good one.
By the way, I watched that.
Did you get Aquam?
No.
That's the trans swimmer?
Aquam?
No.
No?
He doesn't get it.
Is that you, Shifty?
Oh, my God.
I got that from a few times.
I just want to say.
I got it.
I got it.
But hello, Chuffles.
He really said your name to shit on you.
So much shit has gone down since then.
The email?
It's like fucking.
Wait, what's Louie thinking?
Why are we talking about the article that Andrew sent me?
Yeah.
My favorite part was his.
Here you go.
This is so it's, I don't know the lady.
The lady's in like Bad Vegan or something.
Selma Mengelis.
I didn't even think she was a hot.
Sounds like an eye.
I agree.
Please tell the mugshot action.
What is that?
Ugly chicks can't get HD.
No, that's not the nigga.
Like everyone wanted to have sex with her.
Alec Baldwin.
Oh, really?
Louie.
He's obsessed with her.
That's that's everyone was obsessed with this woman.
She's cute, I guess.
Alec Baldwin was shooting his show?
He was there.
Everyone was there.
Owen Wilson.
Owen Wilson was like, would live there.
He walked around barefoot.
And like, so, yeah, I don't really know.
She's cute, I guess, but you see her mug shot.
You see the dude she ended up dating?
You're like, ugh.
I know, she looks pretty there.
Yeah, but you got to see her mug shot.
She's not that hot.
Okay, so then what happened?
You're asking me?
Yeah, I don't know what happened.
Well, this is she accused.
So I guess in the testimony, they go through and they pull out.
Are you doing me to me right now?
Wait, I don't know what happened.
I mean, I brought it up, but what happened?
Wait, wait, will you say it out loud, Bert?
Give me the poo insured, fucking boozer, and I'll tell you what happened.
What happened?
Here.
Here.
I love Russia.
Go ahead.
What happened?
What happened?
I hope Louis appreciates the comedy of this.
Okay, listen, he likes jokes.
Come on.
So, ultra-wide case?
Yep, yeah.
So they depose her and they take all her emails and they find out that in an email, she accused Louis CK of giving her an STD.
Which one?
I don't know.
It doesn't say in there.
I mean, we're guessing it's herpes.
I mean, that's right.
Why do we all go there?
Because that's when we're all trying to get it.
What are those full-blown AIDS, dude?
He did give her AIDS.
Come on, dude.
We don't know.
We don't know.
Possibly you get full-blown AIDS.
What are you cracking?
You don't think it's possible?
Let's look at...
Bring out the emails, dude.
Well, this is his research.
Dude, how big is the font on your phone?
No, I screened it.
Did I screen graph?
What was that part of a text?
I screened that a text.
I sent it to my buddies.
The fucking his reply.
And by the way, this is, so I got the clap in college from this girl that did for five years.
While I was in Russia, she ended up fucking this dude, and I came back.
She gave me the clap.
So when you, what the funniest part.
Have you added that to the machine story?
No.
That is your closer.
Yes.
And it hurts when I piss.
It feels like a sledgehammer hit me in the cold.
Dude, have you ever had a clap?
Anyone?
No, no.
I know you haven't.
The one that burns me pink.
I may have had it.
He had it.
I don't know for a fact because I just took the pills to get rid of it instead of taking the test to see if I had it.
So, okay.
So the doctor tells me the doctor tells me, so I come back from Russia.
I'm hooking up with my chick.
I had been hiking in Switzerland after Russia.
We went backpacked.
And I drank out of a trough.
So in my head, I go, oh, it's burning because I drank out of a trough in Switzerland.
So I go to the doctor.
I tell him, I think I drank out of bad water out of a trough in Switzerland.
And he goes, no.
I said, what?
And he goes, your chick's fucking somebody.
And I was like.
Because you drank out of the hose.
Hey, thanks, buddy.
It's like the fresh prints.
Yeah, I got two.
Punk.
What's that?
On Chris Rock's face, fresh prints.
Yeah, that's good.
So he's like, no, no, I'm 22.
This doctor's got to be like 28.
I thought he was an adult at the time, right?
Because he's a doctor.
But you're a kid.
And I go, no.
And he goes, you fucked someone who has the clap.
You have the clap.
And I went, no, I don't.
And he goes, no, I have a girlfriend.
He goes, and then she fucks someone who forgot the clap.
And I went, what?
And he goes, look, man, he said to me very clearly, he goes, the name of our bar was Yanni's.
He goes, when you go to Yanni's, do you and your dick split up to cover more territory?
I was like, what?
He was like, I'm saying, are you with your dick all night long?
And I said, yeah.
And he goes, and you're not lying to me.
I said, no.
And he goes, you chick's a whore, man.
She's fucking someone.
No, no.
And I went, and I was like, hey, man, you're talking about my girlfriend.
And he goes, I was like, fuck that.
Get her name out of your mouth.
I slapped him.
But I was like, hey, I was like, that's not true.
And he goes, listen, I can give you the pills and it'll go away.
Or I can give you the test.
If you want the test, I'll give you the test, but you're not going to like it.
Yeah, you don't like, don't test.
Don't test.
I was like, don't take the test because I know she's not a whore.
I'm not, I know she's not.
She's leaving someone else.
I think she's not a whore.
So I think he tells me to grab onto the side of the table and he shoves a Q-tip into the head of my dick into my urethra and goes.
And the second it hits, it is, I'm like, she's a whore.
But the thing that I giggled about was the email that Louis sent to the chick was the same.
Was the same conversation I got from the chick.
Go, go, go, go.
The email is crazy diplomatic.
Diplomatic is a word.
And he shifts it so well like a fucking Jedi.
This is good.
He goes, hey, I understand you're upset.
This shit is tough.
I never swore that I was clean.
I told you I may or may have not given this to you.
I'm sorry if I did.
Hey, if you gave it to me, it's okay.
That pivot happened to me.
And I went, hold on.
I know I didn't give it to you.
I've only been with one fucking person.
And she was like, hey, maybe you gave it to me.
And I was, and for a second, like, I was going to go, oh, yeah, maybe I did give it to you.
That's right.
All the people that I air fucked in my fucking life.
We all share current human bloodstream, which is, it was just, it was like, I don't know.
I've never, I've never had to, I've never given anything to anyone.
I've only been with six ladies.
So like.
That's the gonorrhea test.
What do you mean?
You've been with one.
You out there fucking and you only fuck six?
Come on.
That's embarrassing.
Yo, that's a good ass point.
He's like, hold on, over here.
That's what I'm saying.
Yes.
But he purposely did that.
Oh, because he's gay.
But you could have sex with whoever you want, partying like crazy in Russia.
And why are you drinking?
You're drinking to not fucking.
You're drinking.
I'm not to be faithful.
No, here's the deal.
Here's the deal.
Lose my virginity, right?
This is the game changer.
I go, I'm the guy lined up to start murdering pussy.
Right.
Right?
This is how my brain is.
Me too.
So I go, I go to have my first sex 17 years old.
I go to put the condom on.
I can't get the condom on.
I unroll it all the way.
And then I'm like, it's too big.
I'm like, I've never put a condom on before.
I'm like, my mom rolls my socks up.
So I roll it all the way.
I then roll it back up, you know, four inches.
And I'm like, all right.
I go to press over and it inflates.
And I'm like, fuck, this isn't like this.
Am I making balloon animals at the corner of a bed?
Girl's naked.
I'm 17.
I still have my baseball jacket on.
And I'm like, all right, fuck it.
Get another condom.
Put it on.
As I put it on, I go, oh, reservoir tip.
Oh, that.
Okay.
All right.
This makes sense.
Putting the condom on felt good.
That felt good.
I get on top of her.
As I put it in, I'm like, holy fuck.
As I pull out, I blow my load everywhere.
And she looks at me and says, are you going to put it in?
No.
I look my dicks between her butt cheek and her and the bed.
I didn't even fuck a person.
I didn't even fuck a person.
Swear to God.
Swear to God.
And I had to keep going.
I had to keep going.
I had already compromised the integrity of this condom and I had to keep going.
That's how I lost my virginity.
I remember getting in.
I'm 17.
I remember going to the bathroom, looking in the mirror and going like, what the fuck did you do?
What the fuck did you do?
It was so fucking bad.
It was so bad.
Okay, so that was one.
Your wife's another.
That's two.
And then there was four other girls total in your whole life.
One was a boy in college and who else?
Nope.
A girlfriend in college.
Girlfriend in college.
The one that gave you the clap?
Nope.
Oh, no, that was the girlfriend.
That was a girlfriend in college.
So my wife, this girl, girlfriend in college, another girlfriend, a waitress, and a girl from Liverpool.
Really?
How long have you been with your wife, though?
20 years.
Here's my thing is I have intimacy issues.
So like when I'm in your hand, would you get bopped off?
Yeah, Oh, yeah.
I also don't count like putting the tip of your dick in a little bit and then going.
I'm getting my head from a lot of girls.
That's the win.
Yeah, I was fine with.
Like when you were on the road, were you just getting ahead?
I was on the road when I was married.
I've only been married on the road.
I've never, even like even when I would work the door of the Boston Comedy Club, I only hooked up with like two chicks.
But it was like, also, I don't know.
This is going to sound, whatever it's going to sound like.
But like, I kind of looked at it as weak that these comics cared about pussy.
Like, I was like, you're doing stand-up because you'd like pussy?
Yeah.
That's what that's weak.
And I think, and I'll tell you right now, I've watched dudes throw their fucking careers away from pussy.
I've watched guys not get better because all they want to do is their same act because it gets them.
And I was lucky in that I met my wife early, but also I was like, I mean, that's not my end goal.
I've always been a drugs and alcohol guy.
So like that's always been my little bit of my end goal is like, let's party tonight.
But like, I don't really give a fuck.
I cared about comedy.
I remember watching dudes girl at seat, because I worked the door at seat girls.
And I remember watching guys pivot their act.
When they saw the hot chick.
Yeah, yeah.
And I remember going.
They do their girl jokes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Corny.
So corny.
And then, and, and.
I mean, like, like, I made a joke the other day because I'm really into disc golf.
It's like any disc golfer, any pro-disc golfer, any disc golf company, anyone who's into disc golf can come backstage and we'll talk disc golf.
Yeah.
And it's funny, man.
I had the guys over at Innov and they brought me out like, you know, 50 discs and we line them up.
And we're backstage at the end of my show.
And I'm sitting with these guys that are just disc golf makers and professional disc golf players.
And we're talking about disc golf.
And I'm like, there are guys that are like pointing to their bodyguard, get that chick backstage and that chick.
And that never was my thing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What do you think the combined total of women you guys have slept with?
You and the disc golf guys.
Sick.
I would say six.
I was like me and my wife.
I was like, we're in the fucking 30s.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because I need to make sure you get in your meals and I need to make sure you get your nutrients.
And I know you're looking at me right now, like, I don't have time to cook.
I know.
Neither do I.
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No, I agree with you.
Freshly Discount Offer00:13:30
I think there's a lot of dudes who throw it all away for pussy.
That's a fact.
I thought you'd be that guy and you aren't.
Nah, no.
I pissed the women off too much.
No, you're, but when you got, like, when I started seeing you with your chick in Miami, I remember going like, oh, shit, he's going to be really successful.
Because that's the biggest thing that fucks dudes off.
Oh, yeah.
Look, look, let's be real.
I don't know.
But I got with my girl old.
That's the thing.
I'm 38.
So I got with my girl, I guess, and I was like 35.
So I had a lot of fun.
But I never, I didn't like dudes that were doing comedy to get pussy.
And I agree with you on that.
And you could see it.
It was pretty obvious.
It's always pathetic.
Yeah, the whole night was like chasing, et cetera.
But there's still a lot of time outside of comedy to get laid.
Which is fair.
But if you're bragging to me about who you fuck after the shows multiple times over, it's like, oh, this is what you're doing.
It's also a different type of pandering.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
It's pandering.
It's pandering for number one.
It is pandering.
It is.
So it's like there are comics that do that to get pussy and they'll criticize comics that like pander to the left.
Yeah.
Right.
And it's just like, you're also pandering.
Yeah.
You just want acceptance from two people instead of half the crowd or the whole crowd.
I also went to Florida State where like chicks were how did you go there and not fuck?
They wrote an article.
I had a girlfriend for five years and then I had another girlfriend.
Literally Rolling Stone wrote an article about you, right?
Yeah, saying I was the number one party animal in the country.
When you were in college.
And you didn't get laid like that?
I had girlfriends.
I had two girlfriends.
I had a girlfriend first week of college.
I met her, met her, dated her all until she cheated on me.
You like relationships.
You're, dude, I love to know.
I love stability.
I love, I don't like separation.
I like, I, I, you want your wife on the road?
You want the family?
I wish.
I mean, I wish I could, but like, I don't let girls in our bus.
I don't let anyone fuck around with chicks.
Except the muse.
Except the muse.
Oh, I would let the muse.
That's the part.
My wife knows me and well.
She's an employee.
She's an employee.
Yeah, she's an employee.
She works for me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wake her up early.
It's an alarm clock.
She puts on wings and such one thing with a fucking.
I thought it would be such great content.
Yeah.
My wife killed it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're doing it to make money, but it's going to cost you half your money.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
We haven't let a chick on our bus.
Peace up, bro.
Really?
Rosebud.
And then my new tour manager, my new tour manager, Amanda.
But we didn't, like, it was just like, I was like, it's not, it's not worth it.
Any girl coming on the bus to have a drink.
And then some guy does something creepy and it's like you say something awkward.
It's like, dude, look.
And it's all going to come back to you.
Even if you don't do it, it's on Burt Kreischer's tour bus, Girl Says This Happens.
And you can't deny it.
And all they got to do is say it happened.
And it did.
Yeah.
And you're like, all right, I'm out.
Yeah.
I'd rather just have a fucking nice bottle of wine, smoke a little one-hitter, fucking put on stripes, dissect comedy with my other comics, break down something special, what you like and what you don't like about it.
My favorite thing in the world is to watch what is industry standard bad specials.
Like, remember when they started releasing foreign language specials, like South Korean comedian does comedy?
And everyone's like, what the fuck is this?
I loved those.
You can learn so much from those because you see, you just got to find out what that person's doing right.
Like I watched that person I showed you that text up.
Don't say that.
I don't want to be shady.
Like everyone's shitting on this comedian.
And I was like, I was like, they're on Netflix.
They got to be doing something right, right?
I watched it.
I don't know.
I'm better than most.
Really?
Better than most.
Look.
So you think Dave Chappelle was wrong about her?
No, different.
What did you think?
Different, dude.
What do you think about Hannah Gatsby?
I watched hers.
I watched both of hers.
Yeah, I watched her.
I've different.
First of all, I fucking liked Hannah Gatsby's first special.
She has one of my favorite jokes ever.
When I was a kid growing up, I knew more facts about unicorns than I did lesbians.
And I was like, oh, interesting.
She goes, unicorns aren't real.
That's a good fucking joke.
And by the way, I'm not going to get like this.
Go, go.
No, it's like.
Say it.
Well, it's like.
Say it.
She was the first.
She changed the way a lot of people do stand-up.
I mean, you know, you've seen like shifts and pivots and stand-up, and people get serious these days.
Hannah was the first one to get serious.
She was the first one to get serious, and everyone hated it.
Hannah destroys stand-up comedy.
And now, you know, it's like everybody's getting serious and making their points.
Yeah.
And you go.
And we're all more bored because of it.
Dude, it's not the kind of stand-up I like, right?
Like, I want, I want, I want fist-pumping stand-up.
Dave Chappelle's opening joke, kick her in the pussy, my favorite joke ever.
Fucking ever.
Dude, the fucking Mr. Rect.
I'm so dope.
I have a fishbowl full of punchlines.
I pull them out today.
It's a kicker in the pussy.
And he's like, yeah.
And then he tells the joke.
So I kicked her in the pussy.
I told you I was dope.
Dude, I fucking, I can tell you where I was when I listened to it.
I'm pumping my fist going, that is the thing I signed up to do.
I want more of that.
And when you're lucky enough to fucking accidentally stumble on it on your act and you go, oh shit, I got one.
It's almost like catching a fish.
You're like, I got one.
I got one.
I got a fucking closer.
Like, I got a tag.
Oh, dude, that shit's, I mean, that's my favorite stuff, you know?
But I watch everyone's special.
I watch everyone's.
I watch all of yours.
I watch all of yours.
How long is it for you when a tour ends?
Or does a tour ever end for you?
Never ends.
Interesting.
So you're always touring.
Always touring.
I'll tour.
I give myself a month off to work on new material, but one month.
I write material pretty quickly.
I write on the road.
I have, right now, this hour that I'm getting ready to record is probably two and a half hours.
And so right now I'm just the stuff that's important.
I'm kind of trying to isolate that and make it diverse enough.
Like, I feel like sometimes you watch someone's act and it'll all be about one thing, or it'll be about one thing, then they'll change and then go back to that one thing.
You're like, you gotta, you gotta kind of like, I don't know.
I'm pretty analytical about the way an hour is done.
Yeah.
So I'll take it a month off in December and then I'll be back out.
Just a month.
Yeah.
I need time, Bert.
A lot of people do.
I need time for my, here's the thing.
Like when I have time with nothing to do, obviously we all have things to do, but like I don't have like a date that's booked where I need to be creating by this specific date.
And I just let my brain think about things.
The material can come pretty quick.
Like ideas, let's go, let's go, let's go.
But if I know that it's like, okay, I have to, we're selling out this show and I'm doing this and I'm pushing towards this.
My brain is so singularly focused on accomplishing those goals that just the amount of time that I need to like sit back to like and just think about these ideas and go on stage and just fucking bomb and maybe get something and like turn it into something.
I need, like I'm excited for the end of this tour so that I can have months to just go up in the city and fucking mess around, see what happens.
Yeah, but I we also do different types of comedy in that I'm singularly storytelling.
So like I don't really have a lot of what like I'm looking for takes.
Like I love dude, I'm not good at takes.
I've never been good at takes because they're always wrong.
And so like that's the fun part.
Yep.
No, but make the best wrong take.
Integrally wrong.
Like at the core of American values wrong.
You're really exciting.
This is the best way to promote a special.
But I like finding, I like storytelling.
And so oddly enough, you can fine-tune storytelling just about anywhere.
Well, you know, the beauty of storytelling, too.
It's very repeatable.
The machine doesn't ever get tired.
Ooh, you do that with your friends.
Yo, tell them the story about it.
It's like Ron White's Tater Salad story.
Let me tell you something.
I mean, I offered Ron White.
I wanted, I was, I can't really get into it, but I wanted to work with him.
And he knows this.
And one of my caveats is like, I mean, I didn't say this isn't why we weren't working together, but I wanted to hear the Tater Salad story every fucking night.
It's one of the best stories ever told Stand Up.
Without you know it, right?
Yeah.
It's the, you know what?
I don't know it.
Oh, just go watch it.
It's the beauty.
You watch it.
It's right.
You've seen people rip it off because people have taken the structure of his story.
I told you that story to tell you this story.
Yeah.
People rip that off because it's so well done.
Right.
And I was like, I would watch him tell that every single night.
I could watch him every single night tell that.
Yeah.
He ended up retiring from stand-up.
No, I think he's still doing stand-up.
The high wire act of the high wire act of a take that's really crazy is once you've heard the crazy take and then heard how they justify it, a lot of people are like, all right, cool.
That was amazing, but I'm done it now.
The story, for some reason, you can, if you have a, your friend has a funny story, you'll make him tell it to everybody when you're around.
That's how we organize the world.
That's how we remember things.
Stories.
Like, we're attracted to stories.
There's a reason the Bible's stories, right?
It's not, hey, here's just the rules.
Here's how the rules play out in real life.
Jesus had great takes.
Facts.
You know, but you need the stories to make the takes stick.
Yeah.
I'll be honest, I like the hot take baked into a story.
And I think that like the most compelling bits that I have are when those things merge.
Yeah.
So what is the take on this crazy thing that's happening?
And also, how did it relate to me or my friends in our real life?
And then it becomes memorable.
Like, I don't know, people's attention span for stories I noticed is different.
Like, if you're just going, here's the take, it's like, you better be funny quick with that shit.
Yeah.
But with a story, if it's like, if the premise is set interesting, they're like, okay, where are we going?
Wait, so you're walking down the alley, and then what happened in the alley, and then this, and it's like, I don't know, just people, the way they're drawn to story, yeah, it is a stronger connection, I think.
Well, it took me a while to realize what you were just saying, and for real, because I was like, I tell a story, and then everyone, like, cool.
But you like, if you have to think to yourself, why am I telling this story?
Yeah, like, what does this story mean at the base?
What am I telling this story about?
Am I talking about your kids maturing?
Are you talking about it?
Some are just funny.
Some are just funny.
Like, my daughter Isla's had a bunch of things in her life that are just fucking hilarious that the kids said.
Same with Georgia, but, and some are not, you know, some are just, you know, to get things up and running so I can tell a story.
But like what you said, if you can present, you know, like an idea or a take within a story, I was fucking.
But I love, I love good stories, man.
I love, and I love, I love people who have great stories and can't tell great stories.
My cameraman you met, John Manns, has the most interesting things have ever happened to him, and he can't tell a story to save his fucking life.
What makes someone good at telling a story?
You need a beginning, a middle, and an end.
You need an arc.
You need to plan something at the beginning.
And you need, people need to know your story's over.
If you tell a story and then you're like, and then, you know, we all just got in our cars, went home.
Everyone's like, like with the machine.
So I'll use a machine story as an example.
The end to me was the way I delivered it on Rogan the first time was tonight you party with us.
But that wasn't the end.
I didn't know that.
But the audience knew it's not over.
Did you party with them?
And I, and I did, but I, and I could, and I kept trying to figure out the ending.
And it wasn't until one night in Columbus that I was drunk.
It always helps if you tell your stolen stories.
Get your story up and running, get it good, and then get drunk and tell it because you'll fuck it up.
And then fucking it up as a comic on your feet.
You try to fix it.
And you're fixing it can make it better.
And so, and one night I was drunk at Columbus and I go, Igor shuts the door in her, spits vodka in her eyes and shuts the door in her face.
And then he looks at me and I was like, I was drunk.
And he was like, and they used to say this a lot.
Fuck that bitch.
This is Russia.
They said that all the time.
Like, people didn't understand.
This is Russia.
The rules are different here.
And I said that to me.
And as soon as I said that in that story, I went, I got my end.
Now I have the words so that people know the story's over.
And that's the most quotable thing.
Fuck that bitch.
This is Russia.
Is at the end, tonight you party with us.
I lean in and I go, and I remember it working for the first time.
And I'm going like, it's such a great feeling when you go, I did it.
It's done.
Like, it's like sticking a pole ball.
You're like, oh, I did it.
And I said, he says, tonight you party with us.
I go, I'm not in trouble.
And he gets so close, I can smell his morning cigarette.
And he's like, no, fuck that bitch.
This is Rasha.
And it's said twice.
That's the beauty of like a great story is when you can, I would say, plant a sapling, a sapling to harvest it at the end.
Yeah.
And just a little something.
They don't, they don't need to, it can't be too big.
Yeah.
It's the beauty of Tater Salad.
Yeah.
They call me Tater Salad.
It fucking, it's a banger story.
Dude, you know who's great?
To reward the audience for paying attention.
Yeah.
Jim Jeffries can tell you a story with no preparation.
Yeah.
That guy is so fucking talented.
I saw we did a story, Ari Shavir's storytelling show one night.
Did he tell the cripple, the friend one?
That one's hilarious.
Taking his cripple friend to the hooker.
No, no, no.
Oh, my.
Dude, you know who told a banger story one night?
It was Bill Burr.
Was told, and he's not traditionally a storytelling guy.
Dude, he told the story about doing a college and getting underpaid by the chick.
And then, I mean, I'm not going to tell the whole thing because it's Bill and he's a pretty private guy, but he told this fucking, and it's Bill.
So his takes are embedded in it, you know?
This fucking chick.
You got a fucking chick.
Tater Salad Banger Story00:06:57
And we were just sitting in the back.
Everyone's on the edge of their seat like, holy shit.
Ali Sadiq's a great storyteller.
Mexicans got on boots.
I mean, dude, I love a good story.
That's probably my favorite thing.
My favorite thing in the world is like, sit down.
Tell them about the time.
And you're like, oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, I have always wanted to be a better storyteller, and I think I'm going to take up drinking.
I think that's been the key that's been missing.
Try it.
Big story.
I mean, Hemingway was a big drinker.
Yo, yo, you're on to something, buddy.
You're on to something.
It's my sobriety.
I remember in all the details like a fucking dork.
Now, Bert, you have to get out of here.
Yeah.
You have to get out of here immediately.
You have to go do another podcast.
Is that now?
I think.
So I want to let you know.
How much time did we do?
I think we did like an hour and change.
Yeah.
All right.
This is solid.
Now, before you go, the people can see you here in New York at Kings, but they can also see you in other places.
Rhode Island, Maine, Albany.
I'm doing Cinco de Mayo.
I'm at the Greek for the Netflix is a joke festival.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
It's really easy to sell tickets there.
Fluffy's doing two shows at Dodger Stadium.
Whose idea is Bill's doing?
Four shows at the fucking Hollywood Bowl.
And I'm selling 6,000 tickets at the fucking Greek.
Fucking Fluffy had it.
Say, he's doing a double header.
120,000 people.
Yeah.
Or maybe more, bro.
I mean, it's going to fuck up our inner transit.
Like, people are going to have a hard time.
Yeah.
Not a good idea.
No, but it's.
It's a good idea on paper, but then when you've realized you're selling tickets for the same people and everybody is?
Everyone is.
I mean, it's like, I think everyone's, you know, everyone's kind of in the same situation.
I think we're well over half.
We're like 75%.
Yeah.
But you want to clean it up before the week.
You want to say sold out more than we, you know that fucking you know the same brain I have.
Yeah, You got to say sold out.
You got to say sold out.
You don't do sold out comedy tours unless they all sell clean.
It's not sold out unless it's clean.
94%.
Ain't 100.
It's not 100.
It ain't 100.
And you don't understand what the fuck that means.
That means those single seats, they go.
They sell too.
They're gone.
They're moving.
You go in.
Let's start at just working comedy clubs.
When you walk on stage, is there a table with empty seats?
It's not sold out.
That's the fucking, I love that.
Sold out.
You're like, really?
Sold out in the comedy clubs mean they sold more tickets than you even know about.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That means you're getting fucked.
Yeah.
You're not selling out.
Let's really solve that.
So yeah, I have that like obsessive compulsiveness of like, like perfect example.
We were in, we were in Poughkeepsie last night and we had a Sunday show.
Sell out Saturday.
They had a Sunday show and there's Sunday Sundays at 75%.
I'm like, I'm not going to sleep until it's sold out.
We shoot a promo.
We edit a promo.
We post a promo.
I buy $1,200 worth of white track suits.
We go to a chili cook-off, miss the chili cook-off, end up at a wedding.
It starts getting viral in within Poughkeepsie.
Everyone's like, shit, Burt Kreiser's running around in white track suits.
Why is Burt Kreisher?
He's a thing.
He's a fucking, whatchamacallit?
Sells out fucking thing.
Get out of here.
It's called, my wife calls it going to Paramus.
Dude, this business.
I love this.
You go to Paramus.
You got shows in New York City?
Go to Paramus.
Go to fucking, walk around the mall.
Put on it fucking.
Show up in the city.
Get to the city three days before and make sure people know you're in the city.
What are you doing in the city, Bert?
You don't ever want to go to a fucking city.
Like when I sold out Red Rocks, I said, I want to make, this was my goal.
I want to show up at Colorado, and I don't want one person to say, I didn't know you were here.
Yeah.
You want everyone to go.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, dude, I walked around Evergreen in Colorado.
Everyone was like, how was Red Rocks the other night, Bert?
I couldn't get tickets.
That's what you wanted.
That's what you want to hear.
Oh, I love that you go in early and promote.
Oh, dude, I have no problem.
I don't look.
There are people that'll watch this.
I'm certain that'll go, like, dude, enough of the fucking promotion.
Well, then you don't give a fuck about going to see me show at least.
And I don't give a fuck about you.
That's how it works.
I only give a fuck about the people that show up on my show.
I want you to, I want them to see me do stand-up.
I work hard to do good stand-up.
I want them to see it.
I want to make sure they have a great fucking night.
And you'll see comics all the time.
I'm not going to say names, but it'll be like, I'm fucking so sick.
I just was in New York.
Why you guys ask me, when are you coming to New York?
And by the way, I think I did their voice.
But like, but you're like, you're like, just, it's your fault.
That's not my fault.
Yeah.
Like, I look at it like Wilco.
I love Wilco.
If Wilco comes to LA and I miss them and I don't buy a ticket, that's not my fault.
That's Jeff Tweedy's fault.
Jeff Tweedy had a venue that I was, look, I got $1,000 in my pocket to give to Wilco anytime they come to LA.
I'll buy great tickets.
I'm going to buy all your fucking merch.
And by the way, I'll buy the new album also and I'll buy the ones that I haven't listened to in a while.
That's your money to have.
If you don't want it, you don't want it.
If you want to be like a, like a, hey, I'm too good for that, then that's cool.
But that's the way I operate my business is there are people that want to see me perform.
They want to buy a sweatshirt.
They want to buy a signposter.
They are out there.
I understand that because I know that I'm a fan of shit.
Look, dude, if I'm not doing stand-up and you come to my fucking city and you can ask Rogan, you're not anyway.
I'll buy tickets to your show.
I'll bring friends to the show.
I'll buy merch for the friends because I want them to see you.
I know how big your fucking shows are, how fucking awesome they are.
I want my friends to experience that.
And then I'm going to be like, hey, can we come backstage?
Make sure you got Tito's.
But that's the way the business works.
And some people get fucked and they go.
And usually it's the people that got gifted careers.
They didn't have to bust their ass for it.
So I don't know.
It's easy to hate on the business if you never have to do the business side.
When you do the business, but when you do it all, you know what you have to lean into.
When I walked into this building, this room, this is a business.
This is a business.
We don't have billion-dollar corporations pushing our shit.
We are the promo for us.
So we have to get out there and hustle.
There are people that work for these billion-dollar media companies and corporations, and they just have the corporations pushing them all day long.
That'd be great.
You have them putting billboards everywhere.
We are our fucking billboards.
Sometimes we need to show up to a wedding in Paramus.
Sometimes we need to go out there and hustle.
Sometimes we need to find our little ways to sell our tickets.
But it is way more pleasurable when you just have to rely on yourself.
Dude, when I forbid we were for CNN.
I told you when I was traveling, when I got fired from Travel Channel, I was like lowest of the lows.
And I was that guy who had gotten given the check every week, got the check, deposited my account.
It was nice, bought the house, settled in.
Good.
I remember telling my dad, he was like, what's your plans?
I said, eat shit, cash checks.
He was like, huh?
I said, that's right, dad, right?
Eat shit cash checks.
It was always told me.
He was like, oh, buddy, you got to go for your dreams.
And when I got fired, I didn't, there's a lot of comics right now sitting at home going, how do I get people to like me?
How do I get people to know who I am?
How do I get people to come to my shows?
How do I sell tickets?
Lowest of the Lows00:03:19
And I was that guy going, how the fuck do I get anyone?
And it just, there's a point where you take over your own career and you go, I'm focusing on, I'm making content and I'm putting it out there.
And when you reclaim your own career, it's a very powerful feeling.
Hell yeah.
And it's inspiring as fuck.
And I'm saying this to this room when you see other people doing it at a higher level than you because this podcast, this is homegrown.
This is like, and it's fucking sick to see, to come in and like meet these guys and go, I've been watching you guys.
Like, it's inspiring.
And I fucking don't think I don't come in here like a, like, like Putin and Dresden back in fucking KGB days.
I'm fucking watching, going, like, what mix are you guys using?
Like, I'm fucking on it.
I'm looking at the cameras going, man.
We got to step up our fucking camera game.
You've been in my fucking studio.
We can have fun, though.
We're going to get these for you.
Yeah.
I got a question.
Yeah, please.
So, you are, and you have his dear friend, Tom Seguro.
Yep.
I was curious.
This is not related to this, okay?
But just in terms of content, this was one of the most amazing videos I've ever seen.
And I've been meaning to ask you this ever since I saw this video.
This is very important.
Are you going to play it for here, Mark?
I'll play it.
And it's a little graphic.
So we know you're home.
Just to bear witness.
I was there.
So was that?
Yep.
Luckily, I was there to do that.
Now, why did you think that was the thing to do?
That's what you're supposed to do.
Hey, man.
Someone breaks their arm.
You reset it as quickly as you can.
How many arms have you reset in your career?
Upwards in the group of one.
That's how many girls I got is that sexual.
That's cool.
Why did he let you do it?
That's what I was shocked by.
He didn't say, get the fuck off of me.
No, he could have said, leave me alone.
Don't touch me, Bert.
You have no fucking clue to talk about.
You're drinking Galaxy Gatorade today.
There's no way.
I think we need to.
I think we need to.
You're focusing on the wrong thing.
Okay.
He was the one that put it backwards like that.
That's the thing that's wrong.
I mean, he hurt himself.
Yeah.
Yeah, he hits him.
He goes to run.
He goes to jump, right?
No, he fell on it.
No, He goes to jump, and Tom was like 270 this time.
And his body wasn't set up to hold 270.
So as he went to leap off, that's a funny way of calling him fat.
This leg exploded.
So his patella ruptured, and he went to grab himself and stop himself with his arm.
But as he did that, it snapped and spun in a circle.
Now, that's not good.
Yeah, that is the impetus.
That is the thing we should focus on.
Not my resetting it.
It was going.
Do you think they were going to leave it like that for the rest of his life?
And they're like, leave it there.
Leave it there.
Leave it there.
No one's going to touch it.
No one's going to eventually reset it.
Do you think when they got him on the fucking gurney that they were going to go, no, no, leave his arm back behind him like he's trying to pick his own pocket.
But hopefully, it's not someone named the machine that does.
No, but someone.
But no, but there's nothing.
No nurse.
They were going to know.
They were asking a machine that does it.
They were just going to flip it around.
It's going to flip around.
So I did.
What I did.
A lot of people have come out and said that I probably saved his life.
You honestly might have.
That's really good.
Because they were going to cut his whole fucking arm off.
Let's find those same doctors prescribing hydroxychloroquine for COVID.
Well, God bless it.
Listen, man, we love you, bro.
I love you too, guys.
This is fun to do.
Saving His Arm00:02:50
Thank you.
I can't wait to come to your show.
When my tour is done, I'm coming out to check out your show.
I was telling Mark that, and I was like, yo, we got to go.
We got to find a weekend.
We got to go see Bert.
I want to see the whole experience.
And by the way, come backstage and be brutal.
Tell me what's lazy.
That's my horror part.
Is like, I love when comics watch, and they're like, like, Louis came to watch me perform.
Yeah.
He was like, love the deaf kid thing.
I was like, really?
He goes, yeah.
He goes, you need to work on it, but I like it.
And I was like, I was like, oh, thanks, man.
Like, it meant it means a lot that Louie was.
I made the big mistake.
I was like, hey, you want to go up before me?
He's like, are you sure?
I was like, fuck yeah.
He's like, I don't know.
Like, I thought he was saying, are you sure because I've been in the hot seat for a while?
Yeah.
I didn't realize he was saying, are you sure because I'm also the greatest comic living?
Right.
And I was like, yeah, go up.
And then he was like, okay.
And destroyed with 12 minutes of pedophile jokes.
I got off stage and I was like, I'm following Louis ZK.
I was like, rip my shirt off, and everyone's like, no.
Have you ever ripped a shirt off and it didn't get any reaction?
No.
You know what I did one time, though?
I was, I was, I walked out on stage without my shirt on, forgetting I hadn't put it back on.
And I walked out shirtless and they went, oh, oh, because they like seeing you or that.
That's the fucking thing.
Okay.
And then has the machine story ever bombed?
Oh, for the first five years I told it, yeah.
Oh, really?
Yeah, not.
Has it bombed since when you knew it was going to get a reaction?
You're just not getting anything.
Yep.
Where?
Drive-in tour.
Drive-in tour when traffic's a legit issue.
Yeah.
And they're like, I've seen it.
And you just watch the headlights click on, the car kick on.
And then they back in slowly.
Columbus, Ohio.
Columbus, Ohio.
It starts raining.
Full circle.
Ain't that where you thought of the joke ending the first time?
Full circle.
It's probably the place I've told this joke the most.
Starts raining.
I'm on stage.
I can't feel that it's raining, but it's drizzling.
And when I was 22 years old, I got involved with the Russian mafia.
Everyone goes crazy, but they start getting back in their cars because it's raining.
And I'm like, you know, and then all of a sudden, you just headlights.
And then the slow back out and they light up all the other cars and pull out.
And then another car and another car and another car and another car.
And I'm like, motherfucker.
And so I just start telling it faster and faster.
And then I get on stage and then they're like, hey, man, it started raining pretty bad.
Everyone got in their cars.
The show was over as soon as it started raining.
And I was like, God damn it.
I wish I just hadn't even told it.
Oh, they just didn't want to get stuck in a field.
Yeah, we were in a legit field.
It's the traffic, like they're trying to beat traffic out, and it's raining.
And they can't be out of their cars anymore.
Now they're just sitting in the cars listening to me tell the story on the radio.
You can't even really have the windows down.
And they're like, they're like, you just want to fucking leave.
But that's hilarious.
The people didn't walk out.
They drove off.
Yeah.
You had to tell the story over engine noise.
Yeah.
Over engine noise.
You think walking the room is bad?
Driving Room Brutal00:01:21
Driving the room is brutal, dude.
Dude, when you walk, I think someone's done a bit about it, I'm sure.
When you walk a dude in a car, I walked a dude in a...
I don't think a lot of people have done that bit, to be honest with you.
I think you've got to.
No, no, no.
Someone has.
Yeah, somebody has.
It's in someone special.
I saw it.
I don't know.
It's got to be Bargazi or Jim Gaffigan or someone that did this.
But I walked a dude with Big J and Mike Vecchiome one time.
I walked a guy in a lark that had to blow through a hose to get out.
And it was like, and it was so bad.
He backed up, turned on his little headlight to his lark.
It's in a dark theater and he's like, he's like, you suck.
And I was like, okay.
And he's like, God, the strength it took for him to say, you suck.
And he's like, you tell a joke.
I'm like, can you just leave, sir?
And he's like, I'm trying.
It was so fucking fun.
Back up, Terror.
I was like, can someone please help get this guy out of the fucking room?
This has been a pleasure.
Thank you, John.
I love you so much.
Make sure you go check out Bert.
He's got a million different shows you can watch on YouTube, but also check him out at the live show, his tours.