Andrew Schulz and Akaash Singh host Matteo Lane on Flagrant 2's finale, celebrating his wedding and 200k new followers while joking about his gonorrhea diagnosis from a partner linked to Aziz Ansari. They debate staged viral clips, dating app catfishing using Lane's wife's photos, and generational resentment toward modern fluid identities. The group critiques stagnant artistic innovation in Broadway compared to classics like Hamilton, discusses Eddie Izzard's terminology shifts, and reflects on how social media enables freer self-expression despite adult nostalgia for restrictive pasts. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Viral Wine Party Lies00:14:32
What's up everybody?
Welcome to Flagr 2.
Okay, it's your boy Schultzy.
I'm here with Akash Sane.
We got Mark Gagnon, Alex Media, Miles Media, the Truffle, Volla's here, and we have a special guest that you just saw right now.
Yep, a Flagrant 2 favorite.
Yep, yep, yep.
A sensation.
Truly.
Selling out shows all across the country and maybe in other countries.
Whoa.
I see you're going out to Italy to perform as well.
We have Mateo Lane back on the pie.
We had to check in with you, man.
How are things going, brother?
So good.
Congrats.
Even though we've talked, but it just looks on your wedding.
I forgot my ring.
Dude, this is great.
Andrew.
You got to get anxious.
Get another one.
Get something.
Oh, I took it off to put fucking lotion on.
You know where it is.
You guys have messed up.
But my wife's going to find it.
Fuck.
Wait, what were you lotioning?
Yeah.
That's what happens when you're married, right?
That is what happens when you're married.
Fact, 100%.
No, thank you so much.
We haven't spoken since the wedding.
No, we've spoken.
It sounds nicer because people who haven't seen me on the...
God, my timeline's all fucked up.
It was almost, well, it was last July.
It was a Medicaid.
No, but I came on.
Yeah, yeah.
July?
Yeah, Robbie and Casey's wedding.
Wow.
Some of us weren't invited.
Yeah.
It's fine.
I was in a tank or something.
But you got to show off that bottom.
Wait a minute.
You came here in July?
Yeah.
To me, you came here last month.
That seemed like two months ago.
Yeah, I know.
Two months ago, you came here 100%.
I know.
That's crazy.
Yeah.
But well, we saw each other in November.
Oh, we did Chicago.
I thought that we did.
I thought that we did a little snippet.
I don't know.
For some reason, like you came on the pod and then we did Chicago the next week.
But fuck that.
How are you?
Things are doing good for you, huh?
Okay, so not to like, I told, I said I wasn't going to blow smoke up both y'all's asses, but just so everyone watching knows genuinely, and I've said this as many times as I could on like radio or whatever, but like this show changed my life.
No.
Like completely around.
I mean, it's been wild.
And for everyone who wants to know, Andrew really is the nicest because he said to me, he's like, hey, when I started putting stuff up online, you were like, oh, you should do reels, but send them to me first and let me tell you how they should be.
And I would send them to you.
And you would say, change this, take out that, add this.
The covers should be like this.
You shouldn't do that.
And it was like a couple weeks of trial and error.
And then ever since I've been on this show and since you helped me do reels, I have like almost 200,000 new followers.
Wow.
I know.
And everyone is so nice.
The flagrant effect.
Hell yeah.
And my whole, all my London tour, I'm doing 12 shows in London sold out.
12 shows?
It's all sold out.
Chicago, I'm doing a theater sold out.
So we added a show.
Wow.
And it's almost sold out.
So please come.
Park West, March 25th.
Oh, my God, dude.
This is very cool.
Very exciting.
I only want you to thank.
I'm so sorry.
You were like, let's get it.
You got yourself for the show.
You killed it.
No.
Listen, there are people that come on the pod and they don't, they just don't have the type of episode that you had.
You fucking came on.
You brought it, dude.
It was good.
Yeah, I know.
Now I have to be good as well in this episode.
No, you don't.
I got nothing.
No, you're doing pressure.
Okay.
You just fucking, yeah, you were just awesome and it's just so happy.
And I remember like, I mean, this is like a microcosm, I'm sure, of like what like Rogan can do.
But like, I remember like seeing that happen when you go on like a Rogan, you go on like a breakfast club or you go on these like platforms and then like, you know, things can happen for you.
And then I remember you like kind of telling me then seeing you selling out all these shows.
It was one day and I had, I woke up and I had 20,000 new followers.
That's fucking dope.
And I remember talking to Mark Norman and he was like, he was like, ah, you did, Charles.
Good job.
And I was like, yeah.
He was like, how many followers?
And I was like, 20,000 in a day.
He's like, Jesus Christ.
He like lost his mind.
We got to get Mark on.
I love Mark.
We got to get Mark on.
But it was cool.
I mean, it was very cool.
It's fun.
And now I love it.
Put all my stand-up up online.
But you're killing it.
That's the thing.
Like, you did the right thing with it.
This is not us.
This is the fans that we have that are fucking awesome and they recognize talent.
And you put your talent out in the right way.
And it's really cool to see it happen.
Oh, well, thank you.
Andrew's incredibly helpful.
And people don't know that about him necessarily.
Your special was so good.
Oh, thank you, buddy.
It always had 2 million views and like, that's the amount.
No, we're doing, hey, Mateo.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, thanks to Andrew.
You know what I mean?
Stop it, guys.
That's what this is.
We're all thanking you to stop it.
I feel like at the end, you guys are all going to quit.
This is the last episode of Flagrant 2, guys.
Yeah, welcome to it.
I came in.
This is awesome.
I'm so excited for you.
This is really great.
You know what he told me, though, today that was a little disappointing?
What?
He said he wants a boyfriend.
And I don't want that.
No, I believe I deserve a boyfriend.
You deserve it.
Well, I've had many men, but not boyfriends.
What happened to that little cutie patooti you brought to the Chicago show?
Oh, he we're just friends.
Like, he's an ice skater.
We're just friends, friends.
We've been talking for years.
He's from Italy.
He's very, you know, very Italian.
He's not masculine enough.
Mateo should be out there fucking everybody, dude.
Well, I am.
I should stop.
Hey, I'm doing enough of that.
I am.
That's why I'm like, I need to be anchored a little bit.
I'm a little too having too much time.
You're too promiscuous?
I mean, I guess on a scale of men, not so much.
How many a week?
Can we just throw that out?
It just depends on the week.
Like, is one average?
Is one a lot?
Is one a little?
One is not.
He's come on.
Look at this guy.
Yeah.
Like, are you a high-valued man?
Like, do you believe in monogamy?
Like, in a relationship?
Yeah.
Maybe for like the first two years.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
But like, after that, don't you want to, after a while, you know what I mean?
I think that's like, right?
I don't know how straight people do it, but I feel like, yeah, like, I don't know.
Yeah.
I mean, I've had hookups.
Sometimes you hook up and you don't even like learn their names.
Like, I had this hookup with this guy, and he came over, and it's all these promises we made to each other.
Like, we're going to do this and that, lies, lies.
And then he comes over and the lies continue.
I'm like, do you want water?
How you know, like all these things that don't make any sense.
And then I said, do you want to watch TV?
And he's like, sure, so you put on the Disney channel.
That is the gayest part of this whole story.
And it's all well, he picked Lilo and Stitch, but it is funny.
No, it's good though.
Never mind.
I take it back completely.
It's kind of weird to be blowing someone and then the background you just hear.
Oh, Hannah means family.
I'm like, okay, this is a lot.
This is a lot.
I mean, I feel.
That was the funniest thing about the Aziz shit.
Remember when Aziz got in trouble for like the girl?
But like, you know, whatever he did with that girl, giving her wine or whatever.
And then, like, or the wrong wine, it was the wrong wine or something, right?
And, and, but he was like, he was hooking up to Seinfeld.
I've hooked up to the Golden Girls.
Yeah.
But that makes sense.
Wait, why does that make more sense?
Just these hot, loose, pussy chicks in the background.
It is funny.
I was this Cuban guy, and he was, he really liked the Golden Girls.
He was so hot.
And also had one of the biggest dicks I've ever seen him.
And it was, I even I like, I thought it was like being punked.
But it's funny to be hooking up and then the background here like ma.
You know what I mean?
B. Arthur in the background.
It is kind of funny to like think about like, what have I fucked to?
Like what TV shows do we had sex to?
Usually, I don't know.
I don't, I sometimes like guys want to put on music and that's always embarrassing because then you feel you feel as if you go with the rhythm and then like suddenly like Miley Cyrus comes on and they're embarrassed because like it's the wrong mix and then we're like stopping and there's lube everywhere.
But you know, I don't know.
I'm usually just like us.
Or like maybe, yeah.
I don't know if we're watching a movie, then maybe that's just out of the background.
Podcasts?
No.
Can you imagine?
Dude, can you do it?
Can I just want to do something?
We're going to record a podcast where for like two minutes, we're just going to talk about how awesome you are.
Oh, I'm really uncomfortable.
No, no, but you're not there.
And then I want you to play that podcast, but like have like a five-minute lead-in when you're having sex, and then all of a sudden it's going to start hit.
Oh, yeah, that Mateo guy, he's a beast, isn't he?
You have to time your fun.
He'll be like, to our compliments.
Andrew?
I haven't seen a wall for either party, to be honest.
Now, is it true people are mistaking us?
Yes.
It is.
I get it all the time.
And then also, like, they're either like, what happened to you?
No, but they're either insulting me or you.
It's either one.
You're not getting this on like hookups ever.
No, gay people don't.
They don't know me.
They don't really know you.
How do I cross the fuck over?
I need gays on my side, man.
Ooh, that's a tough.
Well, you have to have, you got to get like a pop hit.
Yeah.
You got to do something stupid that you can put a beat behind that can be played both ironically and taken seriously.
For example, like when the real housewives, when she did that song, Google Me or Tardy for the Party.
Like she thought she was really doing it.
Like, you know, I'll be Tardy for the party.
And she thought she was really serious.
And then the gays were like, and then now it's like a combination of we're making fun of you and loving you at the same time.
Yeah, that seems like how people go viral now.
Yeah.
Kind of, yeah.
Like that guy in the fridge who fell doing the Spider-Man thing.
What is this?
Oh, you didn't see that?
And the guy was like trying to do Spider-Man on his mom's fridge and then it like he like fell.
Mark?
Mark is Jamie Speed right now.
I heard him typing immediately.
He's on real.
Yeah.
I heard him say it and then it's like I thought, have you never seen it?
No, yeah, him, him.
Okay, let's hit it.
Oh, this is great.
Cut that volume.
That's only eight seconds.
I'm pulling it out.
Here we go.
Hold on a second.
Cursor and I appreciate that he recognized that's funny.
Yeah.
Because he's videotaping himself.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like he doesn't have to upload it.
Yeah.
But he chose to upload it.
Sometimes I wonder if these are fake or real, but that one the fall seemed too authentic.
Like the Kimmel one?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Which one?
The Kimmel one.
Like, he did a couple like fake viral videos.
Yeah, like, but they went viral.
Yeah.
And it was like a girl who got lit on fire and fell down.
Whatever.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, so well, that's stupid.
It was staged, but none of us knew it was staged.
It went viral and then he exposed.
But I bet you a lot of these viral videos are staged anyways.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
I don't think that.
Here we go.
What's this?
This is it.
Oh, yeah.
So this is her.
She goes up on the thing.
In this video, just this part went super viral back.
Super.
Yeah.
I remember this.
She's busting it down.
Someone walks in the door.
Boom.
I guess you can tell now that it's fake.
I mean, she is on fire.
Yeah.
And just that part went viral.
And then this is the end.
Yeah, they cut it off and then they cropped out the whole video.
And then they're like, hey, remember this video is actually me the whole time.
That's me.
Me going to the doctor for my chlamydia.
Have you ever had an S C D?
Yeah.
Really?
Gonorrhea and Chlamydia.
And gone in like a day with the...
Yeah, Gonorrho was the worst because let's just say I was lied to.
So all of a sudden my ass was killing me.
And I was opening for a Z's on tour.
And it just was, I was in the most pain I've ever been in in my entire life.
Lied to in that, like, he said it was going to be white wine, not red wine.
How are you lied to?
I was dating someone who told me they weren't cheating.
And then this is how I found out.
So I was on tour with Az and it was like 9 a.m.
I was in so much pain.
I got a message from my doctor.
We're in Toronto and it was like, hey, if I didn't say hey, my doctor's like, but yeah, I'm done.
Hey, it's like, hey, what's going on?
I hope you're doing well.
Anyways, let's say you got the guns.
So they were like, you have gonorrhea.
So now it's like, now it's like seven o'clock in the morning.
I'm in another country and I'm running.
I'm acting like I'm in Yemen, but I'm like, I'm in, I'm running around like trying to find a city MD.
And then the second they gave me the shot with the two pills, I mean, it was like an hour later.
I felt better.
Like, it was almost instant.
I was like, oh.
And then Aziz wakes up at like, and then he's like, ah, how's it going?
And I'm like, I'm Kataria.
He's like, dude.
It was so funny.
And I talked about it on stage that night.
I just walked on stage.
Now, what do you do when you know who gives it to you?
You just, you say the most horrible things you can to them.
You just lashed out the last time.
You're allowed to.
You have license.
Yeah.
What'd you say?
Can you tell us?
I just said, I'm like, I fucking trusted you, you piece of shit.
You liar, this and that.
And you know, everything you'd see on like Maury.
Did you also cheat on him?
No, I was faithful.
And Keith Robinson didn't believe me.
He's like, you're a cheater.
And I'm like, actually, Keith, I'm not a cheater.
You liar.
But no, I'd never cheated.
I was like a faithful Puritan Catholic girl.
And then once that happened.
When this happened?
Oh, yeah.
Now I'm now.
If you have a pointer and edge, I'll sit on it.
I mean, I am just like, I don't care.
I mean, I'll do it.
I don't care.
I've thrown caution to the wind.
Really?
Yeah.
And is there ever a point?
Like, is there like a flutch shaming in the gay community?
Not really.
I don't think so.
I still don't think it's like muddy.
It's like it's rude.
Yes, very much so.
Wow.
Go on that.
I'm joking.
I'm absolutely exact.
Seriously.
Well, it's like, and my group of friends, like, it's always like, you know, we're always arguing, like, who's had sex with the most people?
I'm way towards the bottom.
What is your number?
Oh, probably like 300.
Maybe.
I don't have to really think about this.
Maybe 200, 200.
Yo, you're prude, bro.
I guess so.
Yeah, look at my jeans.
I have those jeans yet.
We should.
We should do a thing where we dress in each other's outfits.
We do every day.
We look just like one another.
Okay?
Or now.
We're morphing into just one New York City.
We should just switch our outfits right now.
Mid-pod, and nobody will know the difference between it.
You gotta snap and then do it.
Okay, fuck.
Okay.
How are we gonna snap?
What do you mean?
I don't know.
Don't look at me.
Don't act like you don't know how to snap.
I'm like, snap.
Oh, okay.
Oh, fuck.
I already can't snap.
Hands too slippery from the loop.
I'm Mateo.
Stop it.
I'm Mateo.
Those are so, Mateo.
Outfit Swap Chaos00:04:18
You're fluent in Italian.
Tell us your life story in Italian.
What would you believe?
No.
Yeah, no, I'm from Chicago and I'm a Mexican.
And push the mic away when you laugh.
Oh, sorry.
This is what I do.
I'm not.
Wait, hold on.
Do your best Andrew impression.
I don't know how to do it.
You can't offend him.
How do straight guys?
How do straight guys stay?
They're great.
Tony the Tiger.
The straightest person I can think of is Tony the Tiger.
Bro, I can feel the zipper breaking.
Every time I laugh, another thing unbuckles.
First of all, aren't you hot in this?
Aren't you hot in this?
I am hot in this.
I'm not going to lie, dude.
I feel sexy.
I feel sexier.
Yeah.
What's great is that you can't fit in the jeans, but you can't.
The jeans fit me exactly the same.
No, but the shirt's tight on him, loose on you.
Thank you, Duff.
Thank you, Duff, for pointing that out.
Duff can finally body sham you, and he's so excited.
He really is.
He's so happy.
And you know what?
We had a bet.
We had a bet going on that, like, what was that?
I was going to be skinnier than you or something.
You didn't want to finish the bet.
You backed out of the bet, pussy.
I ran it to you at a coffee shop today.
You got two pastries.
Two pastries.
Really?
You, a golden doodle?
Two pastries.
Didn't order coffee yet.
I made my two pictures.
You were actually Mateo way earlier.
It was a rough day.
It was a rough day.
I had egg whites and then rice and chicken.
Wow.
Damn.
I know.
You are not Andrew.
I know.
But I'm going to Italy next week, so I'll be eating pasta every day and smoking cigarettes.
And hell no.
Are you worried about doing stand-up in Italy?
No.
Why?
For what reason?
I don't know.
Like Joy Behar, like the Russian worker.
Joy, be there.
What if it was an invasion?
Can you imagine?
Like, I'm in Italy and suddenly the Russians come.
Like, this is a little too West.
The food's good here.
This is the West.
No, I'm going to do it half and half.
I'm doing it with Francesco de Carlo.
Everyone should look at it.
Hey, Francesco.
Francesco.
He's an Italian comic and he does it in English as well.
So we're going to do kind of a mix.
So I'm just going to walk around.
I feel very powerful in this jacket.
This is so funny.
Like in that, I feel like I present cute.
This is, I feel like.
Oh, you're a fuckboy in this.
Well, also, this chair is very doctor-even.
Like, doctor-even that spins around.
Yeah.
Do you think that you get laid more if you dress like me?
No.
Be honest.
I mean, you dress cool kids.
The thing is, like, the blur between I think that was honesty.
I just think I just didn't like the answers.
I was like, you must be lying.
No, no.
Why?
Why are you lying?
Be dishonest.
Oh, yeah.
Be dishonest.
You don't think you'd be like a fuckboy, like just tagging up dudes all the time.
No, I'm too insecure for that.
Yeah, but this with the outfit, then you're secure.
I don't know.
I feel like the line is blurring between how gays dress and straights dress, anyways.
Like, I mean, for my size, in those clothes, they're baggy or close to me because, but for me, it's larger.
But you're taller than me.
What do you mean?
He tried to butch it up for flagrant tape.
I did.
For a bazooka shirt and rolled up the sleeves.
It's like, hey, I got to be as straight as I can.
Wait, this is your straight outfit?
I didn't say straight.
Let's not say things we can't take back, but more baggy, I said.
Baggy.
Like a mom in the 90s.
My son's.
Yeah.
But, anyways, wow, so I'm really in control.
How do you feel in that outfit?
I feel good.
Yeah.
My stomach feels a little bit thick.
I feel thick in the stomach.
I don't think so.
I think you look like you're in shape.
I know you're not talking shit.
I know you're not talking shit.
Your stomach's been looking like this.
Show your goddamn stomach out.
Hey, I wear my appropriate size clothes, motherfucker.
No, no, I feel I feel like I'm growing a little bit here.
I don't like that that much.
Who cares?
You married.
Yeah, you raised it.
Yeah, you're married and fantastic.
What do you care?
What the fuck do I care?
What do you need right now?
I need the abs.
I'm trying to get laid and get hooked and find a husband.
Yeah.
Those are two separate things right now.
Wait, do you want a hubby hubby?
Like, lock it down, adopt kids.
Well, I say these things, but I don't know if I mean them.
Thick Stomach Confessions00:03:00
It's like I'm touring right now, and that's really fun.
But like, it'd be cool to have like someone that like you can like text.
Like, how was your day?
You know what I mean?
Right now, it's my mother.
Yeah.
And that's about it.
What about friends?
Yeah, I call my friend Bob the Drag Queen and I talk a lot, or my friend Nick, my friend.
We talked about Nick last time.
Yeah, yeah.
Wow, wow.
He calls me like seven times a day, but Nick doesn't care how I'm doing.
So wait.
So hey, hey, neither will your spouse.
Yeah, exactly.
But that's why I land more.
I was like, you have much to learn, my friend.
You and Nick are already married.
Yes, this is true.
You guys don't care about each other and you don't fuck.
I won't get gonorrhea.
So again, which is worse, Chlamydia or Gonorrhia?
Gonorrhea.
Oh my God.
Chlamydia, it's always in my ass.
I'm such a bottom.
But Gonorrhea was like, I was like bleeding.
I was at Thanksgiving and all of a sudden, like, I was in so much pain.
And then I went to the bathroom and I was like, oh, that's really bad.
And then I went to my doctor and I was like, maybe I have like a fissure.
And she was like, no, this looks like gonorrhea.
And I was like, that's interesting.
And then I got the test.
I was on stool softeners and Ibuprofen like four times a day just to like be able to go.
I know so painful.
And then one shot and it was gone.
And the doctor was trying to get tickets to Aziz's show.
Hilarious.
Literally, my ass is out.
My pants are down.
And he's like, so you're opening for Aziz.
Any tickets available?
I'm like, read the room.
You're like, you're like, I'm opening for you right now.
All right, guys.
Infamous tour.
Toronto this weekend is on and popping.
We're coming in town.
Some of us will be there Thursday.
I'm going to pull up Friday, Friday and Saturday, Meridian Hall, three shows.
Y'all already got the tickets.
It's sold out.
Maybe you get them on a secondhand market, but I'm so fucking excited to be up there in Toronto once again.
Thank you guys so much for doing this.
Also, New York City, you know, we added that second show, Radio City Music Hall.
We will see you guys there April 16th.
Make it fucking happen.
Bunch of shows in between.
Go to theandrewschultz.com to get tickets.
Akash, what you got?
First of all, just a reminder, the Vancouver show on March 11th at Vancouver Playhouse has been moved to July 1st, Canada Day, because I'm going to run for prime minister.
You cucks need it.
Also, April, March 18th through 20th, I'm going to be in San Antonio at LOL Comedy Club.
This date was just added, April 1st and 2nd.
I'm coming to Ohio at the Toledo Funnybone.
April 8th and 9th, Tampa.
I'm coming back to Florida.
Hopefully we can move down there.
I'm going to be at the Improv in Tampa.
And April 22nd and 23rd, Toronto Royal Theater.
Four shows to sell out my first theater.
I think about 60% of the tickets are already gone.
So y'all better move fast.
Hop on them shits.
And then April 28th through April 30th, I'm going to be in Bridgeport, Connecticut at the Stress Factory.
Go to AkashSing.com for tickets and all the show listings.
Now let's get back to the show.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because I got to tell you guys about Lucy.
Look, we're all adults here, and I know some of us choose to use nicotine to relax, focus, or just unwind after a long day.
Tour Dates and Catfish00:14:29
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Now, I know some of you are going, oh, yeah, I smoke or I do this.
I personally don't smoke, but I enjoy nicotine, okay?
You throw in a little pouch, get that nice little buzz going.
You like a little nicotine, Akash?
I don't, but I got family members who could use the lozenge, use the gum.
You know what I mean?
Absolutely.
Switch it up, okay?
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Now let's get back to the show.
Okay, so chlamydia is.
Chlamydia just kind of felt like an irritation.
I was like, something on my ass kind of feels funny.
And then I told my doctor my sexual history and she's like, I'm just going to treat you right now.
And then I got tested and she's like, you had chlamydia.
And you didn't feel much?
No, not much.
No.
Savi, no.
Am I admitting something?
Am I admitting something?
Has anyone heard?
Has anyone else here at an STD?
I think it's STI now.
I didn't have, I don't know if I had it or not.
I just went and I was like, it kind of hurts when I pee.
And they're like, we could test you and that will take like two days to get the results.
Or we could just give you the shit for whatever one it is.
Yeah.
Which one is it?
They give you just some antibiotics.
Chlamydia.
Chlamydia?
Yeah, just pee hot.
And then I was like, well, yeah, just give me that shit.
So you had chlamydia.
I don't know.
There's no proof.
The chlamydia medicine helped me.
Prophylactic.
Prophylactic.
That's how COVID should be.
Just in case, don't test me.
Just give me COVID.
There's no medicine for COVID.
Well, my friend Nick did it.
He's like, I went to my doctor and I said, look, I don't need the test.
I've had enough sex.
Bomb my system.
And he did.
You need to interview my friend Nick on this.
I want to have Nicky find.
He's 6'4, about 120 pounds, wears like women's blouses.
Love.
And he's very mean.
He sounds like Squidward.
Wow.
I really wanted to talk to you about Euphoria.
I was bummed that you'd never seen it.
Oh, I told, we were talking today.
I was like, the closest thing I've seen to Euphoria is Downton Abbey.
Why?
I don't know.
But I mean, I've never, I have no interest in seeing Euphoria.
Like a bunch of young hot kids getting high and having problems.
I'm like, no, thank you.
I don't relate to this at all.
My high school was me closeted working at Michaels in theater.
Not that closeted.
You didn't think we were all deal?
I know.
The theater kids worked at Michaels.
Yeah.
So funny.
And I was dating a girl who worked at Michaels.
Oh, you dated a girl?
Did I talk about this last time?
No, you told her.
So you were a gold star.
Oh, well, all we did was make out.
But it wasn't like bringing her in the mosaic island, fucking her.
Finger?
No, nothing.
We never talked about it.
I was cheating with each other.
She knew you were gay, but yeah, yeah.
She cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend.
Wait, really?
Yeah, and I broke up with her in the yarn section.
Really?
But that's kind of reasonable, I guess.
Okay, here's my question.
That's fire, though.
You got to cheat on her with her ex-boyfriend.
Get back.
No, instead, I was returning beads from women in their early hundreds.
That's what I picked instead.
Okay, so what happens when you're with it when you have a really close relationship with a guy?
Do you not develop feelings like you're like, oh, I kind of love this guy.
Maybe we could work something out.
Are you a straight guy?
No, no, no.
I mean like a gay dude.
You're not fucking.
Oh, like my best friend.
Yeah, like what?
Why can't you bridge that gap?
Is it the most insulting thing ever where you're just like, you're hideous and I don't want to fuck you?
I've had friends before where they're like this kind of mix of a relationship where it's like we fuck and then we're not fucking, and then we fuck and then there's never.
There's never any boundaries set, but then they don't.
They never end up being like your, like my core, my crew, my best friends.
None of us want to fuck each other and is that insulting at all?
No, we just don't.
We're none of each other's, are each other's.
Well, my friend Nick and Bob were hooking up Nick uh Nick, and then then they just became friends.
And then Bob's like hey, Nick doesn't have any gay friends, can he come hang out with us?
And we were like okay, and now we've been burdened with his friendship for years now.
But um, but that's that.
That happens a lot, I think.
You just try and it doesn't work.
But I, I have a couple friends that have no weirdness afterward when you stop no, oh no, guys and girls, typically it doesn't.
Once that barriers crossed it's tough to go back.
From what I understand, you can fuck up the whole group dynamic.
I think it can, but I think for I think generally with gay people or queer people maybe it's less so, you know well, I think, like straight relationships.
There's always this thing like you could be wasting a woman's time.
Yes right, but I feel i'm always wasting a woman's time and i'm gay like there always seems to be a wasting of a woman's time yes, always seems to be, even though I believe they waste their time more than anyone.
Okay, keep going, keep going.
Are we women bashes?
Give me back sure, something About that chair.
We're not chaos.
Get it, buddy.
Oh, it fits him so well.
I know.
Drop the voice a couple octaves and go in on these chairs.
Hey.
So, no, women tend to get ready for a really long time, and it only matters to them.
That's what I was referring to.
I'm doing like 80s hat comedy over here.
I'm like, ladies, get ready.
I just can, you know.
No, no, I meant like, obviously, you guys know what I'm talking about, but like the biological.
Let's say we're dating, right?
That's okay.
And the children aren't even in my frivolity.
I'm not even thinking about children.
I'm like, children?
What's happening?
I think that changes everything, though.
All my girlfriends, who were like my best friends growing up, the second they made all these, you know, we'll be friends forever.
The second they have a child, it's like gone.
You can't reach them anymore.
I mean, that's not totally true, but they have kids.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
It's like they have kids, they got a family.
They don't give a shit about me and my feeder I sold out.
They don't give a shit.
They're like, they don't even come to the shows.
They will if they can, if they can get, you know, a babysitter and stuff.
Are they worried the baby would catch it?
Yeah.
Honestly, yeah.
No, actually, my girlfriends who have kids, we've been pretty good at staying in touch with each other, but it just is a shift.
It's a huge shift and it's natural.
Do you ever have to deal with husbands that are weird about it?
Like, are they ever like bigoted husbands who are like, nah, we're not hanging around that dude?
The gay?
Yeah.
No, my girlfriends made it pretty clear from the beginning.
Like, I can't, I'm trying to think of one person I've hung around.
Yeah, I can't imagine that, especially with like a gay dude, you would accept a husband who's yeah.
They got good.
My friends, my friends, yeah, all my friends, they wouldn't accept that, but I don't know.
I that forgot about kids.
It's so funny.
So you never, it's never even, never even thought about it.
I don't want children.
Why?
You're a child.
You play video games.
You paint all the time.
It's like you'd be great.
Great, but I'm not cleaning up my own shit.
I mean, I can't.
You're rich now.
No.
You're selling out theaters.
You can hire somebody to do that.
That's true.
You just get to have fun with the kids, play video games.
Make a great nanny.
Real kids.
You're getting best of kids.
You can get rid of Nick and make your own.
Wow.
No, I. You want kids?
Yes.
I absolutely want kids.
You want kids too?
So badly.
I mean, it should be a great, what is that term?
Gunkle?
Is that it?
I'd be a wonderful mother.
But I think I actually would be a very good father, but I just don't want children.
And you know what's funny is when you tell people that, because it's kind of like a thing you can do.
You're Italian and Mexican.
Yeah.
And you don't want kids.
Well, someone has to stop us.
I mean, there's so many gays in my family.
Clearly, God was like, okay, first of all, we shouldn't be mixing Italian.
This is too much.
You know what I mean?
So he's like, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay.
We got to put an end to this.
My family's so crazy.
Yeah.
My cousin's gay.
I'm gay.
My brother's gay.
My dad's real proud.
Yeah.
There's a lot of gays in my family.
And he's like, I think you're pretty much proven.
You have to prove you're straight in this family before anything.
Like, we're all so fucking gay.
It's so weird that it's never even in discussion.
Come into the closet.
Yeah, exactly.
But like about kids, it's just so interesting.
Like they never even crosses your mind.
No, because I just don't.
First of all, I'm 35.
Like I've established a life that I like.
And also, too, it's I, you know, my favorite thing is when someone says to me, do you want kids?
And I'm like, no.
And then they follow up with, well, you know, you can have them.
As if I was going to be like, oh, can I make the kids?
I wouldn't ask you how to acquire a child.
If I wanted to, I go to a lesbian.
But lesbians and gays often go to each other for children.
It makes silly.
And do you do it?
Do you do it old-fashioned or do you into a cup?
I think into a cup.
But it's $10,000.
Why not just get it off one time?
I'm sure you've had sex and men list.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Minutes ago.
It's fucking ass.
I have to be out at three for a pitch meeting.
I actually do.
You know, I have a pitch at three.
Sure.
Fucking David Barton's gym.
More like a chase meeting.
Sometimes I'll have trade coming over.
Trade is like a hookup, you know, and like they'll be like, I'll be there at 3:45 and I'm on a phone with like my manager.
I'm like, uh-huh.
They're telling me very important stuff.
I'm like, that's great.
I got to go.
Is trade that app that's not even an app?
No, trade is just a term used for like a hookup, I guess.
You could say, like, oh, you trade.
Yeah, I've traded.
So men are just men.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Like, it just like gay guys aren't any more in touch with like the opposite.
Well, I guess the people that they're interested in having sex with, like, you objectify the exact same way.
You're calling them trade.
It's like us calling strange.
You have some strange is coming over, right?
We're just literally the same.
Yeah.
Isn't that so funny?
Yeah.
I know.
And then I, you know, I.
And women are dividing us.
No, women are smarter.
They've got the right ideas.
No, what are you saying?
I'm not.
No, what he's saying is completely.
We should be locked away.
You know what I'm talking about?
No, he's just called.
I'm just called asshole trade.
Well, I guess then I'm the trade.
No, because he's what he's saying.
Just as God damn it.
Jakey, can you clarify, please?
I'm going to do this shit for you sometime.
Yeah.
He's saying you would think gay dudes are like more emotionally evolved in the way that women are.
In the way that it's like relationships mean more, sex mean more.
And then we're like, oh, you're almost more, it's almost more biological than emotional, which is like he's biologically male, so he fucks the way we fuck as opposed to emotion where he might be more evolved, but he still fucks the way a dude fucks.
Like he's probably been the solitary evolved that so many women have cried on that were treated like trade by dudes.
And then right after that, you probably had some trade come over and then you just did your fucking thing.
Yeah, I mean, it's almost like a, like a, like, can someone stretch me out or crack?
It's like a chiropractor.
No, I think like women, you know, for rightfully so, have to be cautious of men.
You know, I have this joke where I'm like, the screening process for women versus men is so crazy to me because it's like I look at my women's phone, like my girlfriend's phone and women who talk to men, like some of the, some of the screening questions will be like, do you have friends?
I assure you, I have never asked anyone in my life if they have friends.
I don't care.
Forget friends, names.
Secondly, to me, a screening process is, if you know how to use good grammar, I'll fuck you.
Like, if you know how to use a semicolon, get in my colon.
I know.
That's true or both ways.
That's what I said.
Actually, I got way more pussy than I do.
And my cousin's like, you know, because sometimes I think Grinders should just be...
The name Grinder should just be changed to murder me.
I mean, what happened to being afraid of strangers coming into our homes?
Okay.
So a buddy of mine, I don't know if I can even use his name for this.
Okay.
He, gay dude, he said that there's this app.
It's not even an app.
It's like you have to access it.
Do you know what it's called?
I'm talking about access it through a website, right?
Yeah, it's like Manhunt.
It's like back in the day with Manhunt.
You just say, I'm in a Macy's bathroom.
Yeah.
I want my dick sucked.
And you type that in.
And then anybody else who's on the website that wants to suck dick and is in close proximity, it's like Uber Eats, right?
No, it's almost like AOL chat rooms.
I mean, it's like reverted ways.
What is it called?
Like, I keep thinking like swizzle.
That's not right.
It's called smelly sniffies?
Sniffies, I think is what it's called.
Okay.
Something.
That was crazy, though.
I could call my friend Nick an ass.
Gruff?
Sniffy's app.
Sniffy's app, not Scruff.
Yeah, so it is an app.
I think you have to do it on your computer.
Yes, there's one you have to do on your computer.
I'm assure you.
It's the only way it's accessible.
And then literally a map pops up and you can click the different things.
No different than like if you typed in CMT store or Starbucks.
They just pop up on the map and you can choose the things you want.
Google S. Google S.
Yeah.
100% believable.
That's unbelievable.
It was great.
And do you use that?
No, I'm too fear-based.
Okay, that's scander.
Yeah.
And I keep getting reported for catfishing.
Why?
Because they think I'm not.
It's too hot, man.
Oh, you're that.
You're that.
They're like, oh, Mateo, that's a comedian.
You think you're so funny?
And it got so bad that I messaged Grinder on Instagram.
I said, hi.
I'm trying to get dick.
Can you please stop flagging me?
They're like, well, so sorry.
We'll make a note.
So now I can't get flagged anymore.
But everyone, you know, and then they'll be like, oh, wait, I see you're doing shows in town.
Nice, nice.
That's got to be the easiest way, right?
Prove yourself right there.
You're fine.
Yeah, but then people like the like, send me a picture of you holding up two fingers and like to prove it.
I'm like, I don't have time.
I'm trying to get dick.
That's got to make you feel really famous, though.
That people are like, this can't be the Mateo Lane.
You know what I mean?
And also, you're so good looking.
Mad people have been like, I can't go.
I can't get dick as me.
Let me get dick as Mateo.
And they use your picture to catfish people.
My wife has been catfished a couple times.
I'm like, that's a high compliment, yo.
Meaning, they used her picture to try to catfish with your wife's pics.
Yeah.
Yeah, if anyone's using my picture to catfish, you better work.
That's great.
I love it.
Thank you.
But that's why people are like, yo, this can't be the real Mateo.
My pictures of me and my speedo just like last scene though.
Can we look at your profile on Grindr?
It's just all it says is my picture.
And then it says, I like pasta.
That's it.
My picture is on my Instagram.
I can show you which picture it is.
It's a recent picture.
Just one picture.
That's it.
Just one picture.
Fluid Gender Identity00:05:42
Just me.
And then if I want to send, like, if I like something.
That seems a little catfishy, to be honest.
I can say it.
No effort whatsoever.
Most people on Grinder don't even show their faces.
It'll just be torsos.
They never show their face.
And so it's like you'll see on profiles like face first, must send your face, show your face.
Like people are discreet.
They're DL.
They're on the download, so they don't want to show their face.
And so you have to, like, you know, like, after however long you talk to him, it's like, please send me your face.
I'm just talking to like the headless horseman.
Question here about the DL stuff.
How do you get into it?
No.
About the DL.
Is it worth hooking up with one of these like straight dudes who's on the DL?
And I asked that question because it's like, they don't have the hours in the fucking gym.
Like if you're hooking up with a gay dude, he's probably going to be good at it.
He's experienced.
He's experienced.
Sexually.
And you're doing this for like pure friction, right?
I think it's the fantasy.
You know what I mean?
So it's an emotional thing.
Yeah, I think people will be.
There has to be both parties who are sort of into this fantasy of breaking up a family.
I'm doing something.
Yeah.
Yeah, just destroying someone's life.
I'm not into someone who's like, I'm discreet.
I'm on the deal.
I understand that, but I'm also like, like you said, I'm like, I don't have time to do this thing anymore.
But, and I actually don't even hook up that much.
A lot of times you really just have funny conversations.
Or I met this guy who was from Paris, but he was living in Seattle and we just like had a wonderful day and like got hot chocolate and spoke French and caught up with each other.
You speak French too?
Speaks every language.
You're son of a bitch.
You should be fucking everybody.
I'm telling you.
I'm on my, I'm trying.
You don't have to have kids, but you should impregnate a lot of people.
Just pass those jeans on.
Yeah, spread it around.
I really want grandpa.
I really wish you watched Euphoria.
Because I'm trying to get an understanding.
Because I'm watching the show and I'm like fascinated by it.
You're dressed like you're in it right now.
I am from LA.
Same.
Also, I dress like the principal.
I'm Jules.
Oh, yeah.
That's Zendaya.
But no, I'm just like fascinated by like, I don't know if this high school is based on some reality or an exaggerated version of a reality, but the fluidity of gender and sexuality in the high school and how it's like completely not a big deal to these kids.
Like there are things that are a big deal to them, but people get in big fights and say mean things about one another.
But gender and identity and sexuality never come up.
Race doesn't come up.
Now I'm like, okay, is this like a fantastical world that these kids are living in?
Or is kind of like gender in certain parts of America is like gender and sexuality not even close to the binary that it was when we were growing up.
I think it's shifted.
Well, number one, none of the, they're supposed to be in high school.
Yeah.
Look at how they dress and look at the lighting.
Absolutely not.
All of us had like teeth coming out of our fucking nose and one eyebrow.
And I had an Adams Apple that entered the room before I did.
Like, you know what I mean?
These people are like in their early 30s pretending to be 16 year olds.
Remember like Rizzo in Greece when like Stocker Channing was like on her last egg and she's like, I brought me.
You know, and it's like, all right, Rizzo.
Honestly, Greece might be a better representation of high school than Euphoria.
I don't watch Euphoria.
Yeah.
I think the conversations about gender and sexuality and stuff.
It's just evolved.
It's evolved into a way where younger generations, not all, but I think it's moving into a place that's becoming just more accepting.
More fluid, it seems like.
More fluid or at least, you know, I think it goes back to like, you know, as a young gay person, sort of feeling on the outside, you're forced to observe a lot.
So you observe everybody else sort of playing by the script, right?
Because it's all sort of presented for you.
This is how you live.
This is how you grew up.
This is who you marry.
This is your job.
And so me as a little kid watching thinking, but I don't fit here.
But once I saw Ellen, that was the first gay person I ever saw on TV.
It opened up a possibility.
So I think now that like you open up Instagram and everyone's everything and everyone can express themselves any way they want to, that people don't have to feel so restricted in this like straitjacket of how society is trying to keep them labeled and moving them along the script.
So I don't think it's like suddenly kids are just more crazy than they've ever been.
I just think they have the possibility of seeing themselves represented in a larger way that they hadn't seen before.
And I think it's a good thing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I didn't think it was like making them, society was making them any different.
I just saw they looked at it so differently.
Like they don't, they're talking about not seeing race.
It seems like based on this show and talking to Chifty a little bit, like they really don't care about race.
Like he said, like, you'll never be like, oh, I have a crush on this black girl, Jessica.
They'll be like, I have a crush on Jessica.
And then it just seems like they approach gender in a much more fluid way than we did.
Sexuality in a much more fluid way.
It's not as shocking.
It could be a show.
And it could be also written by adults who are trying to.
Well, a vested interest in progress.
Right.
So, you know, you talk to a lot of kids who grow up in the city.
Is that how they talk?
You know what I mean?
Maybe not.
I don't know.
Or kids who grow up in rural areas.
Is that how they talk?
Maybe not.
I don't know.
He went to high school in California, but Chifty's 19.
He said he had like three kids in high school that went through gender reassignment surgery.
It was just not a thing.
Nobody cared.
It's like, all right, that's cool.
He had this name before, and now she has this name.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It was just, I don't know, watching it, it was, I felt like.
Meanwhile, I was doing a showcar getting called a faggot.
Things are not fair.
All right.
And I hate this.
I'm glad for this, bro.
I did, but I did this.
Not the gunnery.
It's always like you see like a seven-year-old with purple hair talking to human rights campaign.
They're like, my struggle coming out.
I'm like, you piece of shit.
Yeah.
Go home, turn off the lights and listen to Madonna and cry like the rest of us.
CBD Joints and Kids00:03:36
Do you?
Is there like, that's interesting.
Like, do you have resentment because the future generations are going through struggles that aren't the same that you went through?
Or is it like every person of anyone?
It is a generational thing.
You have this thing that I didn't have, so I'll be mad about it.
So this is, I don't know if you're like a basketball fan at all, but like what fan?
Basketball fan.
Girl.
Look at the outfit you're wearing.
Do you think I like basketball?
Do you give me the benefit of the doubt?
You can't feel your balls right now.
And you're trying to seriously ask me a question.
If I watch basketball, you answered your own question.
I love that to be nasty and you wore a shirt that said top on it.
That's awesome.
It says bazooka.
Yeah.
Bubblegum.
This is how you show support for Ukraine.
Bazooka.
Look, there's a.
I just got it.
Yeah.
Fuck the rut.
Dude, Putin sucks.
All right.
There you go.
So, all these NBA players love to talk about how these guys that are playing in today's game would have never been able to do it, never been able to cut it in their game back in the day.
The game was too rough, et cetera.
And I think that speaks to what you're talking about: everybody has this little, maybe tiny bit of resentment that the future generation has it better.
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Now let's get back to the show.
The future generation has it better.
But sometimes, so that brings up a really good point.
This is actually because last night I downloaded the Marvel Unlimited so I can read all the old comic books.
And sometimes skill versus money, huh?
You get money.
$60 a year.
Damn, bro.
Okay, Michelle.
I see you.
Please find me a husband.
Marvel husband.
My type is a hot man that hates me.
Okay, so you might be listening for the record.
You might have a husband out there listening.
I really think, Andrew, you could find me a husband.
You saved my career.
I got you.
What's your criteria for a husband?
Usually typically 30 inches.
Eight.
But typically.
God damn this motherfucking husband?
He's not even going anywhere.
So far.
I know.
But then he's never that far if it's eight.
Skill Versus Money00:04:11
Just walking around the house like elephants.
Pretty much.
Well, just one of us.
Yeah.
I'll just be hanging on to him.
But in case I need to be saved, in case there's a fire.
It's really easy.
Let's just go out the window.
Escape from a prison together.
I need a Home Deep.
I need a Swiss Army knife attached to my man.
Usually, my man is like muscular needs a green card.
Fake Mexican motherfucker.
I'm Mexican Italian.
That's my trifecta.
And I'm also the most Catholic mix in the world.
I feel guilt for everything.
When it rains, I'm like, something I did.
But oh, so what I'm saying to you is, I think to go back to your point, what point were we making?
I remember you were saying when you were basketball stars.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Basketball stars look at younger people.
Generational resentment.
That's right.
Generational resentment.
Sometimes generational resentment, I feel, when it comes to skills, so the arts and sports is a different type of quote-unquote resentment than cultural phenomenons, right?
So like people in the 50s watching their kids in the 60s have a type of resentment for the types of freedoms that they had to express themselves, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
However, I do think when it comes to skill, I think generationally, we may be not getting better in certain areas.
So like I was, I was reading, I mean, just things like singing, things like acting, things like, you know, these things.
I don't feel they're getting better.
I feel that we are trying to trying to replicate what we've seen, but we're not actually growing.
Not a lot of innovation.
This doesn't feel, does it feel like a lot of innovation or does it feel like complete nostalgia?
It feels like there's a lot of nostalgia.
And I think that that's a function, at least in entertainment, of movies becoming so expensive to make and you can't take as many risks.
I really do feel powerful in this chair, this jacket.
I was reading comic books last night.
Look at the light.
This is great.
It's so great.
He falls right into it, dude.
You're going to be knee deep in puss by the end of today.
Yikes.
Okay.
I'm sorry to all those women that I will disappoint.
Please forgive me now.
They're used to it.
One day, like, you're right.
You know what?
At least we'll be laughing with each other.
But I was reading a Jim Lee X-Men comic book last night, and I was looking at the drawings, and I could not get over how good they were.
And comic books today just don't live up to the same technical quality of those comics.
And I don't know anything about sports, so I don't know how sports are played now versus then.
Maybe that's completely different.
But artwork, to me, seems to be in a weird place where there's not a lot of innovation and there's not a lot of care about the craftsmanship.
Everything is about sort of the production producers, music.
It's about the producer.
You know, we were talking about Mariah Carey earlier, and none of you believe me that she writes all of her own music.
So that means she has a five-octave vocal range.
She sings as good as Whitney Houston and she writes all of her own music and she looks like that.
Today, all that matters is who's the producer?
Yeah.
Because you'll be auto-tuned anyways.
The songs will all sort of homogenized and it doesn't really matter unless you're like the rare like Jennifer Hudson or Adele, the voice or Ariana Grande, who actually is very, very talented.
You know, those are not the qualities that people care about anymore because everything's about the quick fix.
So I do feel like in the arts, we're sort of lacking, you know, and the public too, people who go see shows and stuff.
It's not as a, we're not as a strict of audiences as we used to be.
In other words, audiences to come and they used to be hyper-critical.
And that was an exchange with not just the audience, but with the artists as well.
It kept the artist good and it kept the audience good.
And then Fran Leibowitz talked about this, how everything has been sort of broadened.
She said that everything's become broadened to the sense where it's like simplified for basically Midwestern tourists who don't care to see them, don't care to see anything but themselves reflected.
So it's like, of course, Mama Mia is going to be a hit because you don't have to think.
Could it also just be that there's so much more content and so much more access to content that you don't have to be as selective?
Like when there's 10 things coming out a year, it better be fucking good.
But when I can go on TikTok and I'm looking at an infinite number of videos, I don't need your thing to be as good because I got something right here.
That's fine.
I think for sure.
Broadway Audience Evolution00:14:56
It might be a function of capitalism, man.
What makes the most money?
And once you get into like professional entertainment, you know, if it's like, what do they say?
You know, in the Olympics or even like college sports, like these people are doing it for the love of the game and the game looks more beautiful or whatever it is, right?
And once you go to Broadway, it's like, hey, we got seats to fill.
I saw.
The Lion King is going to fill seats.
I saw the share.
I've only seen two Broadway shows.
Ever?
Yeah.
I mistakenly saw Cats.
The worst one.
They tweeted at me.
You've only seen two Broadway plays?
Yeah.
And you're a musical theater kid.
I'm an opera kid.
But when I came to New York, all I did was stand-up.
I didn't do anything but stand-up.
I didn't date.
I didn't drink.
I didn't go out.
I just did stand-up.
I did open mics.
It was a Friday or Saturday.
How many musicals have you seen?
Two.
I saw Cats and the Sher show.
And then have you ever seen any Broadway plays, like not musical?
No.
Are we going to be the first ones to take Mateo?
Dude, can we like the Lion King?
Yes, dude.
We're going to make you gay.
We're going to actually make you a real gay person, dude.
Well, you know, it's not just fucking.
There's way more to gay culture.
You got to do gay conservation therapy to make you gay.
Yeah, we're converting you.
I would love to take you, you guys.
No, We're making you gay.
Okay.
Okay, because what do you do?
You play video games all day.
Yes, okay.
You get your dick sucked.
Straight.
You get gonorrhea.
Yeah, married, but straight.
Okay.
No, actually, these are all very good.
Let's think of other things that he does.
Gun shirts.
You've got gun shirts.
You like comic books?
You like comic books.
You do stand-up comedy all the time.
You're really a straight kid.
You're going to come here today to straight accent.
We're going to make you gay, bro.
We're going to take you to Broadway play.
Yes.
What do you want to see more than anything?
I would love to.
I've never seen like Book of Mormon or Lion King.
So straight.
Book of Mormon.
So straight.
Book of Mormon's amazing.
Book of Mormon's strong time.
But that's what the straight people go to.
You see what these straights are like?
Just be living.
Yes, dude.
Andrew Renner's, bro.
Andrew.
Okay, we'll go see William.
We got to go to Wicked.
We will go see Wicked.
What is the most.
Oh, Rent, obviously, but we're not going to do that.
It's too hacky.
Well, Rent is also.
I felt like Kats because Kats, I got tweeted at by Kats.
This is back when I had Twitter.
And they were like, Mateo, come see Katz for a perfect night.
And I thought.
Right there, you should have been out.
You should have been.
I know.
Well, I messaged him.
I was like, what is going on?
Because, you know, the blue check and everything said, oh, it's gay night at cats.
We want you to come.
I said, every night is gay night.
There was no night that is not gay cats.
So I went with my friend Alfredo, and I just thought it was so funny.
I went with somebody named Alfredo, Alfredo and Milk to go see Cats.
But I like pasta.
That's what you said.
I do.
I do love pasta.
And we went and saw it, and it was humiliating.
Like, you know, I just can't imagine these actors.
Like, because they come, I have to pee all the time.
So I sat in the aisle.
Yeah.
And these actors come through the aisle, dressed up as cats.
And they don't look like cats.
They look like they have Hep C.
And they are just like, the guy was singing to me just like right in my face as a cat.
And the face that I'm trying to make is like I like it.
And then I saw the Cher show, which instead of focusing on one moment in Cher's life, which would have been the smart thing to do, right?
Like focus on the 70s right when she left Sonny and how she became Cher, right?
No, no.
The Cher show, they're doing her whole life.
She's 77.
They found it.
Oh, my God.
They blew through this woman's life so quickly.
And at one point, Sonny was yelling at Cher, and he was like, Cher, if you leave me, I'm going skiing.
Good, Sonny.
But he goes, Share, if you leave me, America will never love you again.
And the woman behind me literally goes, So I was like, these are the worst.
But 70 J Block did share.
She was performing at Cher and she was incredible.
I saw a production of Wicked when I was 18.
Oh, you've seen it in Chicago.
Okay.
Let's see something you haven't seen.
Lion King was really cool.
I was young when I saw it.
Hamilton?
Hamilton's great.
Dude, Hamilton was fire.
Aladdin sounds great.
Oh, that's fine.
Aladdin?
Say what?
I thought you said he hates Hamilton, yo.
He's a hater.
This guy's a hater.
I heard it was great.
He's a hater.
Hamilton, I'm a hater of the fans that think they love rap music just because they heard like a bunch of people in Longaway.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's right.
Super cap right now.
I said, I hated that you liked Hamilton.
No, what did you say it was?
It was what was it for rap?
You were like, oh, I'm not going to give it away.
He said it's red hot chili pepper.
He's like, give it away, give it away, give it away.
What are you even doing?
People be like, bro, I love rap music now, dude.
I will listen to Lime Moranda.
I'm like, who the fuck?
Nobody said that ever for me.
All the people in the microphone.
No, no, no.
We love America now.
We love the money system now.
There are good things that are in this play.
Okay.
You need to put some respect on it.
I feel like we should go see the Lion King.
I know that sounds hack, but like unbelievable.
Yeah, that's what I want to see.
Yeah.
And I want to recognize.
I didn't like it as much as Book of Mormon or Hamilton.
Okay, Book of Mormon is more sophisticated.
It's funny.
Lion King is beautiful.
Yeah.
Like the, what is it?
The choreographers make jokes.
Of course.
You think we're going to put you somewhere else?
I don't know.
I want to sit down.
We're going to get a box.
And we're going to get chilly in that fucking box.
Okay?
You thought we were going to sit with the plebs?
Yeah.
You think there's a straight section that's going to be making somewhere?
Okay.
Box seats.
I got kicked out of the Nutcracker.
Wait, why?
My cousin and I went.
He's also gay, and we were laughing so hard.
We got into a fight with people next to us, and security is like, you're going to have to leave.
I was like, you're right.
New York?
Yeah.
At the New York City Ballet.
I'm praying for this.
I was dating a ballerina.
It is really big.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm actually a little offended.
I was dating a ballerina.
Disrespect to the arts.
And he's like, Do you want to come see me in the nutcracker?
Did you call him a ballerina, huh?
What?
No, he was with what are they called?
A ballerina.
I think we just call him gay.
I think, I think he's just calling him a game.
Ballerina.
Yeah, very funny.
That's an underrated line.
No, I wouldn't say it.
Don't bait me.
Don't bait me.
Now I feel like because I'm wearing this, I can't see.
You can't say it.
It feels a little bit more homophobic.
But me, I'm about to let her rip, dude.
You look great.
I had a thing about Broadway that I don't like is I really don't like this new sound of the Broadway singer.
Where it's all in my nose.
It's all in.
Like, they're used to the Broadway.
It used to be like more open and warm.
And now it's always this, like, this affectation.
Why do you think?
I don't know.
I think it started with Wicked.
Because I remember in Nessa Gant Something to Confessor.
I haven't seen Wicked.
Oh, I know the whole soundtrack of Wicked.
Oh, yeah, we're not going to Wicked then.
Do you have a Harry Potter musical?
No, no, no.
No, they have Jay musical.
The web.
Michael Jackson.
Michael Jackson.
What else we got?
I mean, Book of Mormon is fantastic.
It's really.
I feel like we've decided on Harry Potter, though, yeah?
No, no.
I love Harry Potter.
I mean, I'm sorry, Lion King.
Why don't we just do a musical?
How hard is that?
Can we please do a musical?
I'll play Andrew.
I've been in one.
That's a great idea.
I think we should.
Can I be Charlamagne?
Yeah.
Yeah.
If a black guy can be Hamilton, you can be Charlamagne.
We got to do that.
UX?
New, what famous black story can we just have all white people play?
Oh, Underground Railroad.
Harriet Tubman.
Harriet Tubman.
I think that we should do an all-white version of Harriet Tubman.
I think that would be misconstrued.
I don't think that's.
You know, my friend Bob the Drag Queen wants to write a musical.
You should see Meet Bob, Bob the Drag Queen.
He's one of the best comics I've ever seen.
I want to see him.
He has a special on Amazon.
He's like in an orange caftan.
And he's a drag queen.
He won drag race.
He's my best friend.
And he is undoubtedly one of the best stand-up comedians that I've ever seen.
Really?
And it's so funny because people just associate him only for drag.
Right.
But if you saw him, Andrew, I'm telling you, as a comic to a comic to a comic, where can I see him?
He's touring a lot.
I mean, he does theaters around the world.
Like, he's that level.
International superstar.
Yes.
Okay.
But he's filming in his third season of their HBO show.
But when he comes to.
Yo, next time he's in New York.
Yeah, we should go see him.
Well, we're in the same city.
Yeah, let's go check him.
He is.
First comic I ever saw live was in drag.
Who?
The British guy.
Eddie Izzard.
Eddie Izzard.
I believe Eddie Izzard's trans.
Well, at the time, he would be in drag.
And I think now he's said, actually, this whole time I am.
Right.
I think he was called a transsexual back then.
I believe the transvestite means that might have been an old term.
Yeah.
Transvestite.
I think that's the older term.
And I don't even know when they stopped using that.
Yeah.
I mean, I was a kid.
It was at the Blue Note.
Yeah.
Oh, that's amazing.
And my mom took me.
I had no clue really what was going on.
My mom's Scottish, and I think she was just like, oh, this British guy is really funny.
And but that was the first person I saw do it live and just killing in this jazz club.
Blue Note is actually a great room for stand-up when you think about it.
Is that too?
I've actually never been inside.
Yeah, it's kind of, it has like a village on the ground kind of vibe, just like intimate.
But it was the first person I saw doing it.
And it was weird, even at that young age.
Like, I thought it was, I think, I thought it was funny that there was a man dressed as a woman.
You were laughing for the wrong reasons.
No, I thought it was.
I had jokes.
No, no, I thought it was funny.
Like, I just, I was like, as a kid, you just find these.
Like, if my dad wore like a Spider-Man costume once, I was like, oh, that's my dad, but he's dressed as Spider-Man.
Like, I thought it was funny.
But then I noticed, and I'm like young, young.
I don't even know why I was allowed to be there.
But then I was like, oh, these people find what he's talking about funny.
And I remember being like young, going, Oh, I want to be on the inside of this joke.
Like, what's like I understood that the outfit was one thing, and then what he was joking about was something completely separate.
Right.
Like, it wasn't like a gimmick because Eddie will just dress like that and then talk about like history and culture and that kind of stuff.
And I remember like there are two distinct memories I have as a kid where like I felt on the outside of something I really wanted to understand.
One, before I knew how to read, I saw my friend reading.
And he was just looking at a book and I looked at it and I saw the words and I was like, this is so fucking annoying that I see all these fucking words and I can't fucking read.
I'm just talking about Frankenstein.
Is it really?
Yes.
Get out of here.
I remember being in a taxi.
He just looks through the window.
He's like, man, I wish I could read.
Get out of here.
And the kid teaches the book.
I'm fucking Frankenstein.
Well, you're the monster.
I'm the monster.
Oh, that's right.
Frankenstein is the doctor, the monster.
Yeah.
And I remember looking at that book.
I was like, I really want to do that.
And I remember seeing Eddie Izzard up at the Blue Note and making all these people laugh and going, fuck, I really wish I understood why everybody's laughing.
And I just didn't know enough about whatever he was talking about to do it.
So yeah, I'm curious about Bob.
It's interesting because prodigies, also Friendly Woods talks about it, is you can have prodigies in sports, music, acting, but not writing.
And writing and comedy are hand in hand because you have to live in order to reflect on experience.
Reflect.
Yeah.
So you can't just be taught how to do it, where you can be taught how to tumble, play piano, act, do all these things.
Writing, no.
So you never see children prodigies.
In terms of writing, because they're not experiencing enough.
Huh, I'm trying to think.
I remember when we were younger.
Do you remember that book that came out?
It was called, say that?
No, no, no.
13.
Do you remember this?
There was like some young, like, it was a private school kid, I think, who was like reflecting on the movie.
They made a movie about it later.
But was it with Jody Foster?
I'm thinking of something else.
Evan Rachel Wood.
Oh, not at all.
I'm thinking of Panic Room.
Sorry, go on.
I don't know.
I'm just, yeah, I'm just trying to think that, yeah, that kind of makes sense.
Like, I think that's, and we talk about this a lot, but like with comedy, like, there's very few like great young comics.
Yeah.
Like, we know people that are funny and they're funny quickly.
But if you look at like iconic comics, like Eddie Murphy was young and funny, and he was an absolute superstar.
Outside of Eddie, maybe like Freddie Prince or something like that.
Yeah.
But like, you want to talk about like the Mount Rushmore?
These people were older.
Joan.
Joan, Pryor, Carlin.
Even Chappelle started at like 16, but you didn't see a special until like 27, 28.
Even Chappelle, where he is now, is after the sketch show and then other specials, right?
And it's just like having that wisdom and having that life to reflect on and having that experience allows other people to tap into this emotion that they're feeling, but they don't know how to articulate.
Well, it's like leveling up, right?
Or it's like any kind of art form.
You have to build a skill set in order to truly express yourself.
And they do go hand in hand.
But, you know, we see ourselves.
I believe that we see ourselves on stage and it takes years to get to that vision, right?
Because you want to try and eliminate as many things as you can between your brain and what's happening on stage.
Same with drawing.
I see what I want to draw, but it took me years to get enough muscle memory and technique to not think about that anymore.
So that's comedy is kind of the same way.
Yes, you can get funny really quickly, but who cares?
It doesn't mean anything.
Withdrawing is quite interesting.
I think that that parallel is good.
Because I would look back at like old jokes I want to do, like first notebooks, and the premises or just the ideas were just as solid.
Yeah, I just didn't have the skill set to pull them off.
And I started to learn that.
And I'm sure that's what you're imagining when you're painting something.
You're like, I want this tree or this character to look like this.
And then you start and you're like, fuck.
It doesn't look like it yet.
And then 10, 15, 20 years later, you learned how to do the shading to create somebody's cheeks and bones and all these other kinds of structure.
And that is stand-up.
Yeah, my first stand-up notebook just says Liza Minelli again and again.
And it's come true.
You figured out how to do the Liza Minelli joke?
No, I just become Liza Manelli.
I'm just fully Liza Minelli at this point.
He manifested.
Yes.
I, you know, what's so funny when you're talking about like looking at a book when you were a kid and wanting to read it.
Did I ever tell you that I have synesthesia?
Yeah, I do.
He told me this.
It's insane.
I told you, we talked about this.
This is where you like see colors.
He said it so casually.
Yeah.
Feel color.
Like a number is a color or some shit like that.
Yeah, yeah.
You really just said when you see colors because this is where you can like see colors.
Except Miles.
Miles doesn't have that.
Dude, I don't know if you've seen the euphoria.
We don't see color anymore at all.
Like, I never make it up.
I'm deleting color, you know?
He said it to me shitting on.
I think it was Kanye said he has synesthesia, and he was like, big fucking deal.
I don't make a genius.
I have synesthesia.
And I was like, explain this.
Explain this.
Synesthesia, it's a it man, it's different for each person, but it's when your brain is developing, you have senses, and as your brain develops, they split.
Well, for people with synesthesia, those senses overlap, so they cross-wired.
So you have unprovoked association to for me, it's letters and number, they all have a color to them.
So every letter has a color and every number has a color to it.
So when I was little and I'd read, everything was just color.
And even music has color to it.
So like the number five is like dark, it's not quite blue, but it's the darkest color.
Eight and five are the darkest color I have.
Synesthesia and Colors00:05:39
12.
That's like white red because two is red.
So four is bright because it's yellow.
18.
It's like dark, very dark gray on the left side and then dark black on the right side.
And then 19 brightens up because 19 is orange and then 20 is red.
So it starts to brighten up.
So is this how you know dudes are legal?
It's like 18's a little gray area.
There we go.
Orange.
19.
How to go below 25.
Is that true?
A mess.
Interesting.
Yeah, yeah.
I heard it's not as looked down as upon if gay dudes sleep with like a little bit underage guys.
It's not as like scrutinized in the community.
It's almost like a 16-year-old dude like banging his female teacher.
I mean, I saw a man in his early hundreds the other day walking around with some twink who probably just turned 19, and I thought, ah, good for them both.
They're both getting what they want out of this.
Yeah.
You know, the smartest man in the world, Daniel Tammett, that he has what you're talking about.
He remembered pie to 22,000 places.
And the way he described it was like if you looked at like watercolors of mountains and blah, blah, blah.
It's like the colors and the dips, the valleys, and the tops allow him to remember it that much.
That's how I learned languages so quickly.
He had those 11 languages.
Yeah, the languages, it was so easy to learn languages because, especially with romance languages, you just start seeing the same color pattern.
So I'd hear the same color and I would know what they were asking.
Interesting.
So crazy.
So impressed.
You speak languages better when you were high.
I don't really haven't gotten high that much.
Do you smoke weed ever?
No.
Interesting.
I know.
I look at it because I have those like dopey Italian eyes, so I always look high, but I'm like stone sober.
Interesting.
Yeah, you're very straight-edge.
Gay-edge.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Well, no.
That's right.
So weird.
Last time I was here, I was in a tank top and you were in a dress.
Now I'm sitting here.
Wait, what did you wear?
I wore the Shivani for Robbie's wedding.
Yeah, the Indian club.
That's so funny.
Yeah.
We've all evolved.
I see why you sit like this.
I watch y'all's show all the time.
Isn't it comfy?
I really watch your guys' show all the fucking time.
It's great.
Thank you guys.
Thank you guys so much for supporting us, everybody at home.
Have I been an okay guest today?
Yeah, the best, dude.
I always worry about being a bad guy.
We're supposed to do 30 minutes and we're at 30 minutes.
Do you want to do one round?
Oh, yeah.
What is this?
It's a group.
We're going to see.
You've claimed so far that you have all these special gifts, synesthesia, things like that.
Gifts.
We're going to test like MNX.
We're going to test your reflexes.
Okay.
So, here, I'll set this up.
I just cover my asshole.
When you push the button in the middle, it's going to, it's going to, the color is going to light up and then it's going to change colors.
If you're the last person to push the button after it changes colors, it's going to shock you.
Okay.
But if you push the button before it changes colors, it will shock.
Okay.
I got it.
Right when it changes the color.
Okay, who's got the best reflexes?
Okay, go.
All right.
So push the button in the middle.
What the fuck happened?
Did you really shock you that fast?
Yeah, and then the color pops up.
Do I have fucking synesthesia?
Does it happen that quickly?
Does it hurt that badly?
You're not supposed to push the button.
You told me push it before another color pops.
After the color, no, I thought you pushed it when the color's blinking.
The color changes, you push the button.
Thank you, Army.
Oh, if you push before you get shocked, if you push last, you get shocked.
Oh, my God.
Okay, I'm trying to get that bad.
This fucking thing hurt.
I wouldn't agree to this.
Okay, let's go.
You felt worse.
I have.
You went again.
You went early.
Did you go early?
I don't know what happened.
I thought I did it when the color change.
It went from red to green.
I would just let it run.
Let it run for a while.
Do you guys know the fucking game?
I don't think you, push the button.
Why do you hold this and explain it at the same time?
What the fuck are you doing, dude?
I've been waiting for this.
Yeah, get in here.
Okay, go.
Well, I can't see nothing, though.
I'm going to let.
Go.
No, no, you're in.
No, I'm pushing you.
Ha ha ha!
Fuck!
But you hit it first!
Touch it!
Now we know how to do it.
Are you guys trying to shout out?
Shine the two of three.
Yeah.
I don't expect it.
Pussy.
I please.
Pussies.
You explain this.
Pussies, all three of y'all.
Pussies.
This is explaining.
All three of us get shocked.
Wait, really?
Yeah.
I could have got it first.
This is a fun game.
Yeah, this is good.
Do you feel more straight?
Do you feel like you like pussy?
Have we shot his daddy?
This is what straight dudes do.
This is less aggressive than Hungry, Hungry Hippo.
I'll tell you that much.
Great.
My hand feels fun.
Do the Catholics want to talk about Lent at all?
What is this?
Where's your ass?
I guess I've given up dick chased off this outfit.
Yo, put some ash from the candle wick to Mark's war.
Give me the candle.
Give me the candle.
I'm going to mass after this, but.
Do you want me to sing Ave Maria?
Yes.
Pass me the phone.
Light the candle.
I'll sing some Ave Maria.
Do we have any music I can sing?
Like, Ave Maria instrumental music I can do this to?
You can sing it a cappella, right?
All right, I can sing Avella.
Oh, Marie Plaina Marie.
Don't even come near me.
Hi.
Mario.
Supporting Mateo Lane00:01:31
I'm good.
There you go.
Okay, what are we giving up?
You're supposed to do it with palm leaves.
Yeah, I know.
Not a Yankee candle.
My bad.
This episode brought to you by a Yankee candle.
It's like pumpkin spice on your forehead.
Okay, bet.
This is symbolic that we're all come from dust and we're going to go back to dust.
Okay.
Oh, I like that.
I came from pussy.
And you never go back to pussy.
Mateo, listen, we have to wrap up.
We went far longer than we thought we were going to go because we love you so much.
Absolutely love every single one of you.
Tell everybody where they can see you.
I know that you're already killing it and selling out these shows, but let them know where you're going to be and tell them where they can follow you and sell them all the good stuff.
We're very excited for you and all the great things happening.
So happy for you.
And Asshole Army, thank you so much for supporting a very good man.
Mateo Lane deserves your support.
So it's great that y'all are out here.
Grazi, grazi tuto.
All right, so if you're in Chicago, we sold out the first show.
I'm doing the Park West.
800 seats.
That's a lot for me.
Hell yeah.
But it's so we added a second show and it's almost sold out.