Andrew Schulz and Akaash Singh dissect the Ukraine war, debunking viral myths like the "Ghost of Kiev" while analyzing Russian propaganda tactics and nuclear threats. They debate Zelensky's leadership efficacy, discuss cryptocurrency losses, and critique American influence on the conflict. The conversation shifts to personal anecdotes involving stolen ideas, touring dates for the Infamous Tour, and a bizarre analysis of influencer Ollie London's planned surgery. Ultimately, the episode blends geopolitical skepticism with absurd humor, questioning narratives from nuclear strategy to transracial identity. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Dear President Putin00:04:11
Dear President Vladimir Putin, I am so sorry that I am not your father.
Because if I was your father, you would have stayed calm, held in the folds of your mother's stomach.
If I was your father, you would be plan B'd out of sight.
If I was your father, we could have ended this plight.
If I was your father, a scoop scoop would be your pure demise.
If I was your father, your mother would be wiping semen from her eyes.
If I was your father, a barren bitch your mother would be.
If I was your father, there would be more than one ghost of Kiev.
I love it.
That's beautiful.
I would have had him aboard in Kiev.
I understand.
I understood the symbology.
Yeah.
Because that's the mother city of Russia.
Interesting.
Well done.
Yeah, that's what I would have done.
Well done.
Yeah.
I think I'm on to something with this.
It's really powerful.
It's crazy how poetry can change the world.
I think he just ended the war.
Yeah, agreed.
I think that Putin is going to see that and he's going to realize everything that he's done that's wrong.
Yeah.
You are the biggest activist of the 21st century.
I might be.
Honestly.
I might be.
I feel that way right now.
I feel important.
Obviously, there's this war going on.
Yeah.
And so we can't talk about any of our problems.
And we still have problems.
I know we still have problems.
We still have problems.
I have a trip to Italy coming up.
Yeah.
And it's going to be canceled, maybe.
What?
Yeah, I know.
Oh, my God.
I know.
That's the worst thing that could possibly happen.
I know.
I need to go to Italy.
I need to go.
I know, but when was the last time Russia invaded Italy, right?
Like, that was pretty recent.
Long overdue.
I think that's long overdue.
It's probably going to happen.
Exactly.
It's unbelievable that we can't go to Italy.
I know Joy Behar was on the view talking about that.
Yeah.
And she sounded absolutely ridiculous, but I'm planning my honeymoon in Italy this summer.
And while she was talking, I was like, talk that shit, bitch.
Talk that shit, bitch.
Somebody just died a hundred.
I'm going to something else.
Right now.
Right though.
Like, let her rent.
I'm trying to travel.
Y'all want to not travel again?
We get out of COVID, and now we can't travel again.
Oh, I'm traveling, yo.
I'm traveling.
What you really finna do?
Russia not going nowhere.
To Ukraine?
I'm not going to Ukraine.
Russia not going outside of Ukraine.
I guess that's a good point.
Now, can we just be honest for one moment?
Yeah.
Do we think this war is really happening?
Well, that's a good question.
You can't be a war to me.
No, no, that's a good question.
Give me your evidence and I'll probably support it.
I believe the war is happening.
I'm so charged up.
I'm like emotionally torn.
I'm fucking crying because I love...
Okay, this is going to sound fucked up.
Pierogies.
Vesselka.
No, I love Veselka.
You know, I love Veselka.
I almost got married to Veselka.
Yes.
That was the first place I took my wife was Veselka.
So the Ukraine has a special place in my heart.
I also had sex with that hooker with the white Areolis.
Right.
Very different.
First hooker I've ever fucked was in.
Your two deepest emotional connections.
Ukraine.
Yes.
First time I ever paid for pussy in Ukraine.
Yeah.
And the first time I ever met my wife in the Ukraine version of here.
Also, we don't say the Ukraine anymore.
What do we call it?
Just Ukraine.
Apparently, yeah, it's not the Ukraine.
You don't know what they want to do.
It's also not Kiev.
Can I ask you a question?
Are there two Ukraines?
I mean, no, it's like the Bronx.
Yeah, it's the Bronx.
It's the Ukraine.
Yeah.
That's what I'm saying.
Dude, okay, here's what I'm saying is.
So, okay, a couple of emotions that are happening right here, and they're very difficult to digest.
Okay.
I'm going to say this line.
Just roll with me on it.
Okay?
Gladly.
Gladly.
Just roll with me.
I'm rolling.
I love war.
I love it.
I love it.
I know it sounds fucked up.
I love the war.
Just roll it.
Are we rolling?
Okay.
This is why I love war.
It's not the war.
I don't want people to die.
I think this is tragic.
I think it's awful.
Yeah.
I love the heroes.
I really love heroes.
And in order to have heroes, you need conflict.
War provides the conflict for the heroes.
I'm basically Hamilton.
Right?
Hamilton, remember?
Why I Love War00:14:50
He was like, we need a war so I can be better in society.
You piece of shit.
What a fucking piece of shit Hamilton was when you think about it.
Put some respect on Hamilton.
No, no.
I have respect for him.
You know, he was not black in real life, right?
Yes, he was.
He's not black in the show.
He's whatever Lynn Manuel Moran is.
He's black.
Is he, dude?
Yeah.
Steven Seagal.
Afro-Latino.
Okay.
Okay.
George Washington was black in the fucking play.
That's about it.
When I went, he was black.
Oh, really?
In the new one.
You were black Hamilton.
Javon McFarran, yeah.
That's my guy.
All right.
Shout out to Javon.
But not to get too far off of this.
So I love the heroism attached to war.
Okay.
Yeah.
And I'm having these moments where I'm like, I'm like fucking crying.
Like I'm, I, every time I walk into my bathroom, I look into the vanity.
Duel.
I look into my side of the vanity, right?
Dual of vanity.
I have dual vanity, obviously.
And in the bathroom attached to my room, not the other bathrooms in the place.
He has to be vain.
He's got a vanity.
Like I said.
So if I go in there and I replay what I would do if I was the ghost of Kiev.
Okay.
So I'm working.
I'm actually just working at a butcher shop in the Ukraine.
Okay.
And I stopped dreaming this.
On the radio, right?
I hear on the radio that the conflict is escalating.
Okay.
And I'm cutting my sausages and I'm cutting through the meat and all that kind of stuff.
And then it looks like they're going to take up arms.
And there's a moment where I put it down and then I just walk out.
And I just walk onto the base.
And I'm getting some pushback from like the lower-level army people on the base.
We can't lose the butcher.
No, they don't know.
They don't know who I am.
They don't know my history.
They don't know what I've done.
Right.
Right?
And then all of a sudden, the big general sees me coming.
Okay.
He goes, no, no, let him in.
Let him in.
Blah, blah, blah.
I go, get me in a plane and get me up into the sky.
And I get up in the plane, I get in the sky, and I just start taking out these fucking Russian planes.
Six in a day, he did.
And then he said, shut up.
I'm hungry now.
Cook.
That's it.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah, butchers.
Butchers don't cook.
Yeah, they just cut meat.
Okay, he's from the city.
He grew up with Delhi.
He doesn't know what the fuck a butcher is.
He's never seen a butcher.
Okay.
He never seen a butcher didn't look like me.
That's facts.
So I guess my point is, I get so excited about this and I'm living out this dream of being the ghost of Kiev.
And then I find out it's not even real.
It's all fake.
Correct.
Everything that we've romanticized about this war didn't happen.
What about ghost of Kiev?
Not real.
The sunflower seed lady.
You saw that story?
Yeah.
Okay.
Lady walks up to the Russian shoulders.
Hey, can you put these sunflowers in your pockets?
Why do you want us to put the sunflowers in the pockets, old Ukrainian lady?
Well, because when you die on our soil, at least sunflowers will grow from the ground.
Fire.
Bars!
Meme!
Baddest bitch on the fucking planet!
Fake Snake Island.
You heard of that one?
The Russian boat is coming up to the island where there's a base on Snake Island, Ukrainian island.
There's a Ukrainian base, 13 soldiers on there.
The Russian boat says, Hey, if you surrender, we'll save all your lives.
He goes, Hey, tell them to turn up the volume.
They go, Fuck you, Russia.
And then they all die.
Those people are alive.
Didn't happen.
Tank running over the car.
Do you guys see that clip?
No, I haven't seen that one.
That's real.
That's real.
Ukrainian tank ran over their own guy.
They think that it might be they're running over somebody who was trying to Russian forces or something like that.
But what some people are saying, that's not even confirmed.
But what some people are saying is that was an anti-aircraft tank.
Andrew.
Yeah.
Let me tell you something about war.
Okay.
In any war.
You first had that much paper left on the cigar after you cut this shit?
Yeah, it kind of got messed up.
It's got a little dry.
Sorry, my bad.
Andrew, the first casualty in any war is the truth.
Ooh.
Oh, shit.
Bars.
Bars.
Okay, he'll learn how to smoke that thing.
Okay, but that is totally true.
This is what happens.
And it's so fascinating to experience, obviously, war from a safe place, right?
We're going to talk about war as people who are far away from it.
So obviously this is going to be insensitive to people who are in the thick of it, right?
But we're experiencing it from the outside, okay?
Experiencing war for the first time with social media, obviously the first time in history.
But now we can quickly find out what's real and what isn't.
The Gulf of Tonkin happens, what gets us in Vietnam.
By the time we find out that shit was fake, we're already in the war.
Now, when I say I don't even know if this thing is actually happening, I don't know.
All the pictures that their pictures that they're using of like buildings that have been attacked, some of these pictures aren't even in the Ukraine.
But now, just because there's misinformation doesn't mean to say that none of it's happening.
Of course it's happening.
Something is happening.
There's a conflict there.
There's soldiers there.
People have died.
It's fucking tragic.
It's awful.
Okay.
My point is, is that right now there's a PR war going on.
And the people that win the PR war win the hearts and minds of the support that they need.
So if Ukraine is going to win America's support, the West's support, they've got to put out some stories about old fucking ladies with sunflower seeds.
Also, I think Crystal talked about this on Breaking Points, but she was saying like Russia can't really participate in the other side of the PR war with like their cool war stories because they're pretending they're peacekeepers.
That's their whole PR pitch is like, hey, we're going Ukraine to be peacekeepers.
So you can't talk about all the shit you're blowing up and how heroic you're killing and dying if your whole thing is we're peacekeepers.
So you know what their propaganda is?
What?
Nazis?
Nope.
I mean, part of it.
What they want to do.
Yeah, but they want to, yeah, they are doing the Nazi stuff, Ukrainians or Nazis or they're these.
There's truth to that.
There's truth to this.
But yes, they are doing that.
What they're trying to do is cause division amongst the people supporting Ukraine.
So they're putting gas on, you know how all of a sudden it just started popping up?
Like Ukrainians are racist.
I never heard about Ukrainians being racist before.
Of course they're racist.
No white country in Europe.
Every country is racist.
The most woke country in Europe throws bananas at soccer polls.
Guys, Europe is racist.
I don't know if you knew.
There's this dream that they act like they're so woke and they're so progressive, they're so above it.
And then Muslims move in and they're like, get them the fuck out of the city.
Yeah, you know what?
What happened to the white people?
Exactly.
No more EU for us.
100%.
They're refugees.
Get them away.
Or people over there filming comedy specials and, you know, just kidding.
You just end up in jail for all of us.
How could that happen?
Just because you're the only black guy that won't get allowed to the club.
Yeah.
Okay.
So of course they're racist.
People are racist.
But what I believe is happening is Russia is putting a gas on the racism stuff so that people in the West start going, why the fuck should I care about the Ukraine?
I don't care about these racist motherfuckers.
Yeah.
And they're right.
And these things do happen.
And they don't let the black people into Poland or they don't let the black people on the trains and all this other stuff.
And I'm sure there might be, they can make an argument like, we told all people that aren't from the Ukraine to get out of here 10 days ago.
They decided not to get out of there.
Or they say, they might not have the proper visas to go to these different countries.
Their visa might only exist for Ukraine.
Blah, blah, blah.
Doesn't matter.
It really did happen.
And if I'm Russia and I want to reduce support for the Ukraine amongst other Western countries, I'm putting a fucking gas on that shit.
Put that thing through Facebook.
Put that thing through Instagram.
Put that thing through TikTok.
Get people pissed off because that's how you win this shit.
You don't have to prove you're the good guy.
You just got to make sure that nobody supports Ukraine and then you walk all over them.
Ukraine falls if we support them.
Yeah.
And that's, I think, where the war is.
If we don't support them.
Sorry.
Yeah, if we don't support them, if the West doesn't support them.
And immediately in the beginning, it was like, we love Ukraine.
All the buildings are lit up in the flag colors, right?
And everybody was reflected in the war, right?
Like my, I was talking to FA.
Every Turkish person is so proud of the Turkish drones that are taking down Russian tanks.
Have you seen this?
No.
Everybody reflects themselves.
Like, Jews are going crazy over this fucking president of Ukraine, Zelensky.
Every Jewish person that I know is texting me, oh, he's the son of a, you know, the grandson of a Holocaust victim.
He's the new Jewish hero.
This is Jewish Jordan.
This guy, right?
They just won't stop the.
And it's because everybody is so selfish in war.
You just want to see yourself reflected.
Myself as well.
I wish I was the ghost of Kiev.
I wish I was someone that doesn't even exist.
We always just want to see ourselves reflected.
That's why they're, you know, minority representation on TV or whatever.
But you know what this made me think of?
The misinformation thing is I understand why people watch Fox News and MSNBC now.
Why?
Because the misinformation feels so good.
It's so much better.
It feels so good.
Like Ghost of Kiev felt so fucking good.
That sunflower bitch felt so good.
Oh, misinformation is the information.
Misinformation.
Yeah.
I completely understand.
We got to be everything you're telling me.
I'm like, oh, shut the fuck up.
Truth is boring.
It's not boring.
It's disheartening.
No, it can be disheartening.
Yeah.
But it's also boring.
Yeah, that's true, too.
The truth is often that middle gray area.
Yeah.
Which is like, eh, this person's kind of bad, and this person's kind of good.
Yeah.
Like, it's not as black and white as people present it.
Right.
Right.
And fuck that.
Do we want to break down our knowledge of the truth?
Sure.
We could do, we could do the best.
We were pretty close.
Oh, yeah.
Here's the other one that's going around right now.
So this is, Mark, you want to set this up?
Yeah.
So this is basically just like an infographic that I've seen get passed around where basically it comes from Redfish, which is on Twitter as it's like, it basically says Russian state affiliated media.
And they put it out and they say, these are all the like airstrikes in the last 48 hours.
So they have Ukraine here, they have Syria here, they have Yemen here, they have Somalia.
Now, notice on the Russian side, they have Crimea as a part of Russia.
Yeah.
So it's like basically Russian-sponsored infographics to suggest that there's wars happening everywhere.
People are getting bombed everywhere.
You should condemn war everywhere, blah, blah, blah.
Be consistent in your views.
Why are we putting so much coverage on the Ukraine when people are dying all over the world?
Right.
Now, obviously, it leaves out like the geopolitical importance of the Ukraine being invaded versus like some of these other countries.
Yes.
And it also doesn't necessarily equate, it seems like a false equivalence that it's not actually putting like the level or severity and like death toll of the strikes.
Yes.
Needless to say, it basically puts this idea that, hey, why are we focusing so much on this?
There's war everywhere.
Be consistent.
Yes.
Which is helping Russian information and intelligence.
100%.
You get to call out the hypocrisy, and at least it could potentially silence people, especially if you're one of these people who is condemning the war in Yemen, condemning the war in Syria, condemning the war, Israel-Palestine, right?
If you're one of these people that's constantly condemning them, but right now you're speaking out for, I guess, in this situation, who would be who?
You'd be on the side of Ukraine, right?
You'd still be on the side of the Ukraine.
Yeah.
So then why would this work?
What do you mean?
No, this is on the side of Russia.
What they're trying to do is give people an exit ramp toward caring.
Like, oh, oh, oh, you care about just this, so there's war everywhere.
How come you just care about this?
You're a piece of shit, too.
I don't have to care.
It's basically all war.
It's my bad, my bad.
Yeah, I look at all different.
All wars matter.
All wars matter.
Perfect.
Okay, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.
Yeah, because if you were a person that does care about Yemen, you care about Israel-Palestine, you do care about Syria, you're going to care about this.
Yeah.
Okay, you care about anything.
But they're talking about calling out the people who selectively care.
I didn't know there was airstrikes in Yemen and Somalia and Syria.
I assume probably a safe bet, but I didn't know about it.
So instead of trying to raise everyone's level of sympathy and compassion, we basically try to decrease their sympathy and compassion for the Ukraine, which is what's happening.
Yeah.
It also says condemn war everywhere.
They don't even exonerate themselves.
They're like, nah, we're bad, but so are they.
Well, the reason people care about this more is obviously people care about, I mean, obviously there's optics, right?
Like you're going to see people who look like you and you're going to go, okay, that's fucked up.
Yeah.
Right.
But I think another thing here is like, are you guys wondering if there's going to be nuclear holocaust?
I'm wondering.
I don't think so, but yeah, the thought is there.
I mean, Russia got nukes.
Ukraine, I think, like, did not.
They like deployed, what is it, denuclearize themselves or whatever?
Yeah.
But Russia got nukes.
America got nukes.
We're ready to go.
Like, what's good?
Because, yeah, I think that's what heightens it.
It's like if there's a real conflict with Russia and the West, both have nukes.
Yeah.
And then this is, you know, game over for the world.
And Putin is saber-rattling, saying if anyone tries to intervene, it's going to be destruction like your history's never seen.
It's the same reason why, like, anytime North Korea pops up, everybody listens.
Because, like, yo, that guy's crazy.
And that could obliterate the whole world.
Right.
And it's unfortunate, but Yemen doesn't have nukes.
Yeah.
So we can choose to turn a blind eye.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We don't have to deal with it because it's not going to hit us at home.
And that was the most terrifying thing about terrorism.
We thought it wouldn't hit us at home.
We're like, oh, yo, there's that little proxy war going on over there.
People are dying over it.
That's not going to affect us at all.
Towers go down.
Oh, shit.
Now all of a sudden, we're consumed with terrorism in the same way that we're consumed with this.
So it's really selfish.
People are going to, even these like idiot fucking journalists from Ukraine, you can play these clips.
They're hilarious.
You can see the racism kind of spill out.
They're not going to be able to do that.
This is not the reason why it matters.
This is the most important reason.
This is why it matters that there's bombs in Kiev.
There will be many more.
People are hiding out in bomb shelters.
But this isn't a place, with all due respect, you know, like Iraq or Afghanistan that has seen conflict raging for decades.
You know, this is a relatively civilized, relatively European.
I have to choose those words carefully too.
City where you wouldn't expect that or hope that it's going to happen.
Okay.
So it's partly human.
Shot it up, okay.
No, no, no, no.
It's equally insulting to everyone.
That's my favorite part of it.
He called Kiev a relatively civilized city.
It's not relatively civilized.
This is any European city.
Matter of fact, it's far more impressive than most of the cities you go to in Europe.
Like, we were there.
You land at the airport within two seconds, Porsche dealerships, these things, perfect roads.
Beautiful architecture.
Extremely civilized.
This is what are you supposed to say?
Hooker.
Yes, it's extremely civilized.
Right?
It's got sex work available.
Yeah.
Okay.
High self-esteem.
Super high.
Five ATMs worth.
You started the run of the banks.
I did.
Kiev Is Not Civilized00:05:06
I knew it was going to plummet.
Yeah, 60%.
Hundreds of people at the ATMs.
No.
So, so, yeah, so it's not even close to like, what did he say?
Barely civilized or pretty civilized.
He didn't say he said it's not.
He said these are countries that have seen war for decades.
This is not like that.
This is a relatively civilized, and then one other word, society, European society.
There's another one that's like even more blatant.
Oh, yeah.
He literally said these are people with blonde hair and blue eyes that you're seeing.
Exactly.
And it's just like, well, that's because these journalists are fucking idiots.
They don't get the real reason why it bothers people.
They think that it bothers people strictly because someone looks just like them and they live just like them.
And that is optically why things are more interesting, right?
You see someone who has a similar life and you're like, oh my God, this could happen to me.
But the deeper rationale is this could happen to me.
And once your enemies, not your allies, are essentially beefing with you and then threatening you.
Yeah.
Putin straight up is like, yo, we're going to arm the nukes and there will be repercussions for anybody who helps Ukraine.
Simple as that.
So now I got to go, oh, is it on?
Yeah.
And please believe they coming from New York.
Well, I actually did a simulator.
Okay.
So basically, if they drop a nuke on Manhattan, Soho is destroyed, you know, you would die.
But I think in Williamsburg, we'd be okay.
As long as we're recording.
So it depends on which bomb.
It depends on the...
Shifty shut this whole thing down and Mark was really pissed off.
Mark was really pissed off about it.
So he said, yeah, it won't even get to Brooklyn.
And Shifty was like, actually, not true.
Like, it depends what type of nuclear bomb.
There's many different types.
And he was using, he goes, you're talking about the one that they made like in the fucking 60s or whatever.
He goes, or the 40s.
He goes, things have gotten much better from then.
So take out Brooklyn as well.
And he came with all these facts and Mark was just fucking heated.
I did research.
The kid is 19 years old.
He just did social studies last week.
I'm just saying.
It's fresher in his mind now.
He was dropping multiple nuclear bombs.
And he started to bring up, he was like, I looked at the blast radius from Nagasaki and Hiroshima.
And then Shifty goes, that was 1945.
That's stupid.
Like, nothing got better since 1945, son?
Yeah, but the czar bomber that they tested, they've never actually tested it fully.
They just designed it.
Damn, you stumbling right now.
You're struggling, boy.
You're struggling.
He's about to be like this at any time.
I'm doing it for him.
Yeah, I think.
I think everybody's dead.
I think everybody's dead.
And that's why we're concerned.
I would assume we have some shit that can take care of that.
That is the American fucking arrogance that we have.
I feel the same way.
I'm like, Jules got that shit, bro.
Yeah, I don't know if it works with nukes, but I...
That's also why Williamsburg will be fine.
Okay.
Also, they have Iron Dome.
Exactly.
Greek points are.
It will keep you safe.
Exactly.
No, the donuts.
No, the thing with the fuck, what was I about to say?
The defense system?
No, no, no.
Yeah, with the defense system, I think that they actually made that illegal.
Like, I think there's a treaty.
There's like a nuclear treaty.
And I think in the treaty, it's like, yo, stop trying to develop those systems to protect yourself because we all have mutually assured destruction.
And then once you separate yourself from that, now our nukes mean nothing.
So I got to bomb you before you actually invent that shit.
You think America listened to that shit?
No, and they better not.
But the arrogance we got is like, it's so funny existing where we exist.
Where like, I remember I told y'all about that show where nobody in New York was in New York and nobody knew who the new mayor was?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And just like, just how privileged that is, like, just check out of the political process.
It'll figure itself out.
And right now, we're being threatened with nuclear annihilation.
And all of us in this room are just going, nah, but they got a button.
They'll shoot it in the Tony Stark thing and we'll be fine.
We want a privilege.
We got Elon.
We good.
What did he do?
He gave him internet.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Drop a bomb, bro.
Oh, my gosh.
No.
Yo.
I'm not opposed to this, to be honest with you.
Just, you know, let's fuck up Russia.
But it's not the people from Russia.
Like, the people from Russia are Paris, bro.
Stop Russian hate.
I know.
Hey, but hey, what else are we finna do?
But what is that?
What you gonna you gonna not drop a bomb on Russia?
No, they gotta take out Putin.
I think that's a valid power article.
I'm not gonna drop a bomb.
Okay, but then what?
But then what if they drop a bomb on us?
This Batman, bro.
This dark night, we both got buttons so we could blow the other one up.
Yeah, just drone Putin.
That's it.
Just Putin alone.
I mean, Putin.
That's it.
Putin got to get got.
My suspicion is he doesn't make it out.
If this doesn't go well, he's out.
You think he's a bad guy?
This seemed like a crazy.
This guy's a goofball, dude.
You think Putin's alive right now?
He might not be.
You think Zelensky's in Ukraine?
I hate how crooked you're going to be doing.
Do you think Zelensky's in the middle of the day?
I hate that you've been putting them crooked ass glasses on.
Zelensky.
I'm thinking you're doing something.
Do you think Zelensky is in Ukraine?
He's in Israel, right?
Let's be honest.
I think he recorded that video on the first night.
And then he's out.
He's out of there.
Yeah.
What are y'all doing?
Why y'all doing all this?
Just Drone Putin00:03:52
I mean, why y'all ruining there?
Why y'all fact-checking?
Why are you snowflakes?
Yeah, why not feelings, bro?
Yeah, what's up?
What the hell?
What are we doing?
Why stroke with all these facts?
You asked me to tell you what's going on.
That was my question, though.
Why didn't you, when you pictured this whole scenario, why weren't you just the comedian turned president?
This right there.
It's a very easy thing.
And instead, you fabricated a whole butcher story and you got to walk into the bit.
Why weren't you just...
I'm a butcher pilot.
I'm a butcher pilot.
The comedian.
I went from butchering cows to butchering.
Hey, comedian, do you want to stay or fight?
And you were like, no, I want to stay.
It was a real story.
That was real.
He's not fighting.
Yes, he is.
No, he's not.
You chose to believe instead that a butcher would walk up to a military piston and the fucking general would be like, oh, that's the butcher.
Yeah.
A butcher that doesn't even cook.
It's fucking gone in 60 seconds, bro.
I'm trying to stay away from the butcher at Manhattan, okay?
And then I come back.
Y'all keep pulling me in.
It's gone in 60 seconds.
The butcher of Kiev.
My brother's in trouble.
Say again?
The butcher of Kiev sounds fired.
The butcher of Kiev.
I'm the fucking butcher of Kiev.
Butcher from Kiev, though.
Say again.
You're the butcher of Lafayette Street.
That's fire, too.
That's kind of fire.
That's fire.
Put butcher in front of anything.
It doesn't matter.
All I'm trying to say is that's a fire story.
Look at your stupid fucking movies in Bollywood.
Y'all don't really walk around doing synchronized dancing, but y'all believe in that.
That's how I'm doing it.
Y'all can't believe in this.
You reaching it violently.
Damn, bro.
He's got the nukes over here.
I don't understand the whole fabrication.
What do you mean?
It's such a thought exercise when you have the thing right there.
Comedian turned president.
That's you in 2032.
And then you don't believe.
Do you believe us?
Yeah, there's nothing heroic about that.
President is corny.
President is corny.
Actually, being up there, like remember Independence Day when the president got up there and he was flying the fucking planes with the rest of that was fire.
We're removed enough from Valentine's Day where your dick needs to get manicured again and manscape is going to help you out.
Okay.
If you were stupid enough not to buy the manscape before Valentine's Day and ruin your girl's Valentine's, she got pubes stuck in her teeth probably for a whole weekend.
Just pubes sticking out her teeth.
Disgusting.
Okay, because she loves you.
She's doing everything she can for you.
Why don't you do everything you can for her?
Why don't you get that new lawnmower?
I think they're up to the 4.0.
Okay.
It's unbelievable.
It is a time saver.
If you're in there with the scissors and then the razor and all this other nonsense, you're doing it 30 minutes trying to shave your balls and taint and gooch.
Okay?
You don't have to do that.
You hit that thing up with the manscape.
You're in and out in a few minutes.
You've just saved over 25 minutes that you could be spending playing video games with your wife, watching euphoria, sucking her tits.
She's.
You know what I'm saying?
It is a way you can spend time.
She spends all her time sucking on her tits.
He's not wrong.
And if she got a little nipples hair sprouting, you could get that manscape and you could trim them up too.
And find the flaw.
Yeah.
Your wife probably got hairy tits.
What?
Some women.
We're not editing anything.
Okay, but your wife could edit the hair grown out of her fucking tits if she has a nice manscape.
My point is, you get 20% off and free shipping with the code flagrant20 at manscape.com.
That's 20% off plus free shipping with the code flagrant20 at manscape.com.
It's time to get wet and clean with your new manscaped shower routine.
You see that little rhyme?
Let's get back to the show.
The president's going up to the podium and telling motherfuckers what to do.
He could be one of these politically correct all-comics.
That's you.
That's why you like him, probably.
These fucking alternative comics.
Yeah.
That's what it is.
That's what you like.
Go to LA and do some podcasts, Dork.
You got to support your tribe, though.
You got to support your tribe.
Who's my tribe?
He's a comic term president.
You got to support him.
Yeah, dog.
A shall not kill eight.
Ain't no proof he's a comic.
Bro, here's some of his comedy, dude.
Fire.
So here he is.
Oh, let's go.
Oh, that's fire.
Hilarious.
No pants.
Always funny.
Playing it with Daniel Ang.
Yeah, dude.
Legend.
I love this guy.
Nah, you're a dick, Mark.
You're a hit.
Mark's a dirty dick.
The guy's saving his country.
He's just making fun of his one shitty sketch about playing palace because of that.
That's a great sketch.
That's fucked up.
That's a great sketch.
You're hating.
That's fucked up.
You're all messed up.
You're gonna take it one of his gifts.
What if somebody takes your worst bit and shows it to the world?
He'll go down as the greatest hero comic of all time.
Wow.
That's a shot.
There's a shit.
That's not a shot.
I wish I could be a fucking hero like this.
Go over there.
I'm flying the ship.
Let's go.
I'm flying the ship.
I need a spaceship.
Let's go.
I want to be in the plane.
That's all I'm trying to say.
Which aircraft?
Say again?
Which aircraft?
Tom Cat?
No.
Wait, what?
Yeah.
Tom Cat.
Yeah.
What model?
F-16.
Whoa.
Got to get that F-35.
Nah, F-35 don't work.
F-20.
You don't fucking know about it.
F-22.
You didn't fucking know.
You didn't fucking know that the F-35 doesn't work.
Billion dollars wasted.
F-22.
Well done, Democrats.
But you're sounding pro-Russia, though.
You're sitting on all those Ukrainian propaganda.
Yeah, why are you pro-Russia, dude?
I'm not pro-Russia.
I'm pro-Ukraine.
So why are you Russian propaganda?
Honestly, I like them all.
I like Ukrainian people.
I like Russian people.
I just don't like, I don't like Putin.
I know.
There's good people on both sides.
There's good people on both sides.
There are good people on both sides.
We need to protest Russia, dog.
Say good?
We need to protest Russia.
We need to pour out our vodka.
Yeah.
What's the version of that?
What's the version of that?
We're out here writing poems.
We're making a difference.
Yeah.
What are your boycotts?
You got a little upset that these things that inspired you aren't true.
That's just how I feel.
I feel a little let down, but I didn't know until you brought it all up.
What am I fucking damn city?
You.
I know.
It doesn't matter.
Totem Santa Claus doesn't exist.
Come on.
Let us have fun, bro.
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if the heroes are true.
This guy.
It matters that they're living in the hearts of Ukrainians.
That's true.
They got to inspire those people out there fighting.
Have the cigar gone, bro.
Oh, you got it, though.
Sheep ass paper.
It's good.
You're not fired up.
I'm fired up.
I'm ready to go.
Yeah, you can be the next piece of propaganda.
That's the beauty of propaganda.
How do we talk about anything else?
That's the thing about war, man.
Fucking selfish.
It is selfish, dude.
It is so selfish.
I want to own you.
Yeah.
He didn't know how he was going to affect our content cycle.
Yeah.
We got to talk about you for an hour and a half.
We got clips to make.
Putin.
What are you doing?
What a narcissist.
Were you guys a little let down by like Russians' military?
Well, it seems like 18-year-olds with tanks that don't have enough gas that are from the 80s.
I don't understand.
What's up with the social's off?
Well, this is the thing that I was wondering.
Does the social media platform of war, does it reveal how shitty this war is and like what a shit show it is?
Or is all war a shit show and we're just realizing now?
You know what I mean?
Like you see like a Ukrainian pulling up to a tank without gas being like, hey, you guys need a ride back to Russia.
Maybe that's just war.
And they're all laughing.
And it's like, is that just what war has always been?
Is that what invasions have always been?
Maybe disorganized chaos.
Or maybe there's just nothing happening right now.
Or is it just that there's nothing happening?
I heard you got to give it time.
They said it took three weeks for the U.S. to take Baghdad, so you don't know what could happen.
Like it could start off whatever.
And also, apparently, they've been kind of holding back on like really fucking up Ukraine.
Yeah, they've been surrounding like they could really do damage, but that's what I'm saying.
Why are they not doing damage?
I guess I'm just like...
I think they thought it would be easier to take Ukraine, and now that it's getting a lot of people.
They could really fuck things up.
Yeah, I agree with you.
I believe they thought it'd be easier to take.
But my fear is that this is all part of the plan.
Like, they got to know that sanctions are coming.
Do they want sanctions?
Like, what does Russia ultimately want?
Like, we watched this video, and it basically said what it ultimately wants is to be able to control the access to Russia.
And it needs Ukraine on their side in order to control that access.
Also, there's a pipeline, right?
They supply it.
There's a lot of pipeline stuff, but specifically in order to defend the land that Russia has, which is this massive amount of land, if they have Ukraine and then they have this thing called like Kalingrad or something like that, it's basically on the other side.
There's like Belarus is here, Russia's here, and then there's a little section of Russia that's not connected to the body of Russia.
Okay.
And they can basically have Ukraine and Russia as a border for Russia.
Ukraine, that little part right there.
And it limits the amount of space that any European infantry can access Russia.
If they lose Ukraine, it's a much larger border for them to defend.
And they already, I think FAA was telling me NATO basically was like the anti-Soviet alliance from back in the day.
100%.
And they promised at the end of the fall that we're not going to expand east at all.
And they have.
And they got three countries, Estonia, Latvia, Poland, that actively border Russia.
Yeah.
So like, you're right.
And now if you get this big landmass, because after they took Crimea, Ukraine was like, hey, we want to join NATO.
And they're like, you're not fucking doing that.
You've already done enough.
Yeah.
And apparently they just have a rolling occupation of Georgia.
I was talking about Jordan, buddy.
He was like, yeah, literally they just, in the middle of the night, they'll just move the border 100 yards.
Interesting.
And literally, they'll just be like, yep, this is part of it now.
It's just called a rolling occupation.
And if you look at Georgia, it's like Georgia and Azerbaijan are right next to each other, and they're also the border states.
So if you want to have access to Russia, you have to go through Georgia and Azerbaijan.
Russia's like, I need a buffer.
Motherfuckers ain't just about to roll up in here and start clapping.
So what I guess they're trying to do is protect their land.
It's like risk.
At the end of the day, you're playing risk in that board game.
The way Russia was dissolved, or like the USSR was dissolved, was intentional.
Yeah.
To try to basically force Russia to not have any of the land assets that they need and like the water assets.
Yeah.
So it puts them in a completely disadvantageous situation if they're going to fight.
Because they might have enough troops to fight a war if there's one entry point or two entry points and they're small.
But they definitely can't defend that whole landmass if they can be attacked from all different sides.
So if you can funnel Europeans' advance through this tiny little funnel that I think is like at the end of the Netherlands or something like that, all you need to do is defend, I don't know, a few hundred miles.
Imagine you had to defend the whole, what is it called, Eastern European front.
So imagine Ukraine is gone and now you're defending on the entire Ukraine border.
You're defending on the entire Belarusian border.
I mean, you have full access from any European infantry.
They want to go through Ukraine.
They can go through.
Matter of fact, if they want to come up from Romania, it's and go through the, what is it called?
That would be which sea?
Black Sea?
Yeah, Black Sea, I think.
Black Sea.
I'm just trying to say, I understand why they want to protect that.
I don't know why they thought this was the end-all be-all.
And now they've pushed Ukraine into a situation where they, I think, today signed a some sort of application for UN membership.
Yeah, to do EU.
For EU membership.
You're referencing, this is the video that we saw yesterday.
This is real life lore.
This dude, he just makes these great YouTube videos.
You check it out.
But the one thing he brought up in the video that I thought was interesting was that, and I don't know necessarily, I'm curious what you think, that basically Russian population has been going down steadily.
And that reproduction rates in Russia have been decreasing.
It's already a small, like a relatively lesser populated country.
And that Putin's looking at it, saying, okay, how much time do I have before we can try to make his claim on Ukraine?
And if you're looking at like declining population rates, declining like military troops, plus also an aging leader, he's like, yeah, this is the time.
Time is now.
So he references it in the video.
I just thought it was an interesting question.
But I think that also the hope is like, if there is any switch in this government, the oligarchs who are really getting hit right now, who all live in London and Paris, and they name their boats and we know them, they're being hit this hard that they will then be that big supporter of Europe, hopefully, on the next front because they're shutting their mouths right now.
Did you see the Ukrainian sailor that's allegedly sunk a Russian oligarch's yacht?
Did it happen?
Yes.
The engine room was destroyed.
In my heart, it happened.
Did it happen, though?
Yes.
Do we believe it?
He was arrested.
No, he's arrested and put in the middle of the street.
You're a kid who you found out Santa wasn't real in elementary school and then he told everybody else to ruin their fucking sense.
That one happened.
Maorca, chief engineer, working for a weapon supplier that was Russian.
He was Ukrainian.
He undid a valve and a plug in the boat and flooded the engine room.
So fucked up that boat.
Yeah.
That's great.
Good start.
Good for him.
You know?
Good for him, dog.
But why should you be attacking just a random Russian guy?
He said he was applying the weapons that are being used against Ukrainians.
Everybody's doing their part.
What are we doing?
Remember when we were punching cab drivers?
I never did that.
Remember we were.
Don't attack Russians here.
But Russians from Russia, billionaires, your hands have probably got a little blood on them.
Yeah.
So like back in the day, like when we would just go punch a cab driver because of 9-11.
We were doing our part.
Right, though?
Like, isn't that the same thing?
Like, Russians here, that's off limits.
Say again.
Russians here, that's off limits.
Russians are in.
He was in Majorca, Spain.
He's a Russian, though.
Right?
He's in Russia.
He's a Russian billionaire.
He an oligarchy.
I'm going to pretend I know what that is.
Yes.
But he's an oligarch.
Yes.
You can't let the oligarchy stand.
I'm just saying, to you, the toxic oligarchs.
It's not toxic.
Down with the oligarchy.
Like when you got bullied as a kid after 9-11, that was us doing our part.
No, no, no, but I was here.
Exactly.
I was here.
You were outside the country where you came.
Yeah.
Out of the most country.
I'm in Texas.
I'm in the most countries.
No, I'm saying you're out of your country.
You're out of Iraq.
No, no, no.
You were in Iraq.
You're in Iraq, dude.
Russians in America are American.
Say again.
Russians in America are American.
What if they're Russian?
To who?
To us.
But what about Russians in Spain?
I don't know, bro.
We might have to figure something out.
We might do some intel.
That's Majorca.
Might have to do some intel.
I'm just saying, you could argue the people bullying you were heroes.
I'm wondering this.
Did he live in Majorca or was he a Russian from Russia and his boat was in Majorca and he's just sailing.
So you just hate people with boats.
I don't love them.
I don't love them.
I mean, fucking boats.
I like people in boats.
Yeah, boats are fine.
Yeah.
Love boats.
Boats are cool.
Yeah, now this guy's got a sunken boat.
There you go.
Fuck boats, dog.
Fuck boats, okay?
What's wrong with you?
Yeah, you're acting like Putin right now.
Yeah, dude.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm the only one who gets a little seasick.
Fuck boats.
You know what I mean?
You can't get seasick on a yacht.
It's too big.
Yeah.
I don't know, man, because I haven't been on one.
So fuck boats.
Speaking of boats, cargo ship with Bentley's Porsches and luxury cars still floating in the ocean without a if these fucking Somalian pirates don't hop on that forever.
Shit lit on fire though.
Yeah, burning fire for a long time.
Some of them are burning.
Ain't no cars in that bitch.
There's got to be one.
There's probably a Tesla or something.
There was a Volkswagen.
I'd be out there.
There's some old ass V-dubs.
Your boy would be in the middle of the day.
When you got this, say again.
When are you getting it?
I don't worry about it.
Stop asking questions of war.
The fucking war has such a bad show.
Don't talk about his trash ass car that breaks down every time.
We're going to get you a great car.
Akash got a new scam to lose all his fucking money again.
Again.
Again.
Didn't you lose a lot of money with crypto?
Son, I don't know.
Crypto is up today.
I haven't done the math.
But Akash sold when that shit dropped.
Yeah, bro.
Don't do that.
I sold some.
I still have the majority of mine.
You sold a good amount.
Yeah, that's cute, though.
That was like a percentage of mine.
I mean, I sold more than you have, but it's not, it's less than half of what I still own.
No, I have more than that.
Oh, do you?
How much is your wedding present worth?
Probably a couple hundred bucks.
Less than mine?
Probably a couple hundred bucks.
I should have taken that shit out immediately, huh?
It'll go back up, dog.
What are you talking about?
Akash's gives and dubbed's gives are about to be very similar.
Very similar.
Oh, ye have little faith.
Yeah.
I'm going to get you to Lenny Kravitz Bitcoin.
That's what I'm going to do.
That's what I am.
That's just going to be fire, dude.
That shit's going up.
To the moon, baby.
But why do you care about Ukrainian propaganda when you don't care about American propaganda?
There's no such thing.
Yeah.
Everything America says happened.
Ukrainian propaganda is American propaganda right now.
That's what you're not getting.
No.
Honestly, honestly, I just won.
You did 9-11.
The internet is down.
Make it mean.
You kick your ass up and down this argument with that.
You are responsible for 9-11.
You are responsible for Pearl Harbor.
He's back in the game.
You are responsible for Civil War.
Yeah.
You are.
I was responsible for that technology.
Wait, not the Civil War.
Why not?
The Civil War.
I mean, that makes it sound like he's a good guy.
No, he's responsible for it.
Why am I responsible?
Isn't Abraham Lincoln responsible for it?
No, he's a Southerner.
He's trying to break away.
Get back to Daddy.
Does that bother Southerners that we just called y'all our sons and we kiss you on your fucking forehead?
I don't mind.
Well, I think so.
I wouldn't even be able to listen to the South with the South Dead.
The Sun's the Confederacy, right?
Like, they can't.
Yeah, we made them sons for sure.
Get over here.
Sit on my lap.
I don't mind.
I think Al and I are okay with it.
Yeah.
Okay, I mean, it worked out better for him, but I wouldn't have lived in Texas if it wasn't for that.
What do you mean?
If the South won, I'd be living, you know, some cuck-ass New York or something.
You think?
I don't think we would have gone.
Well, you still live in New York.
Yeah.
You just would have got here quicker.
So maybe it worked out.
This is why we beat y'all up after 9-11 with your dumb statements.
You know what I mean?
Too Tall To Be A Pilot00:04:37
Making these dumbass fucking statements.
We got to do what we can.
Why are you in such a bad mood?
Why?
Because it's a war.
Can't I be angry?
It's a war.
People are dying.
God damn, blue-eyed white people are dying, Akash.
He's taking seriously.
Civilized countries are going to fall.
Son.
I want to make his sweets on Saturday.
Hey, what an honor it would be to die for your country.
Son, I was drunk and I was emotional, tearing up.
That's mad drafts.
That's hella drafts in the Twitter right now with crazy shit.
But I went with that one.
That was a real thing.
I didn't mind it, but I wish you kept that same energy walking in.
What do you mean?
I like that passion.
Now, this guy coming in all fucking.
Well, then I found out none of this shit's real.
Without being shit.
How do you know that's not Russian propaganda saying it's not real?
Why would they do that, Mark?
To make you not care about Ukraine.
Uh-huh.
Aha.
I still care about Ukraine.
Oh, so it's working.
I want them to win.
Hell yeah.
But that's just because I'm anti-Russia.
Yes.
Hell yeah.
As are we.
And that's the only reason why we really care about this.
It's because Russia's invading.
Bro, if Italy was invading, we'd be like, what them Ukrainians do?
Yeah, bro.
Why would they acting like that?
You can't act like that with Italians.
Why would you dress that?
If it wasn't Russia invading, we'd be pissed.
We'd be like, why them racist motherfuckers don't let no Africans on the train?
Why the anti-Semites in the fucking military?
Of course.
So everybody's so selfish with the war, bro.
Of course.
Yeah.
Why y'all did 9-11, bro?
The fuck is wrong with you?
And he's just walking around with your little pink tassels.
Like nothing happened.
Can I ask you a question?
What?
Yeah, thank you.
That's it's fine.
Can I ask you a question?
Can you, though?
What would it sound like if Italy invaded me?
Can you disconnect your fucking thumb from your pointer finger for once in an episode?
This whole episode is this.
That's because I'm Italian.
So imagine Ukraine trying to fuck with Italy, bro.
So how would you have done?
Can I tee you up for a joke, you dumbass?
Jesus Christ.
I'm trying to get the bad.
Why are you trying to make jokes during a war?
I hate this answer.
Can you?
Before you get too excited.
I shoot mine in the air, bro.
Before you get too excited.
Mine's going in the air.
Come on, y'all don't got guns.
We should all beating people with sticks when the COVID came.
Yeah, that was fire.
Come on, though.
Why were you beating the people with sticks?
Because they weren't wiping shit on their body to get rid of COVID.
Yeah, you got to do what you got to do, dude.
You got to do what you got to do.
Al shared that clip with us, bro.
What?
Which one?
The one about the doo-doo.
Yeah, we talked about that.
I'm just saying Al did that shit.
Why are you trying to separate us?
Nah, nah.
That's not going to work.
Yeah, I know.
Al did call it a relatively uncivilized country.
You did call it relatively uncivilized.
I'm still trying to figure out how to use that shit.
I don't know.
I'm a fucking butcher of kids, bro.
I'm the fucking butcher of the kid.
Oh, yeah.
Exactly.
You butchered that gun.
That shit's more fire without the bomb.
Without the ball.
Do you want a little pistol?
All right, my boy.
Yeah.
What kind of racist shit were you saying?
About what?
About.
I don't know.
Y'all was talking shit.
Help me out.
I want.
I'm just trying to have honest conversations with y'all.
Whose side are you on?
What would you do for your country if we're going to war?
Whatever I have to.
Me.
He picked me up.
If I have to shoot somebody, then I will.
Okay.
Fair enough.
I think I'd be a good shot.
I don't.
Your hands mad shaking.
You're the worst shot.
You had bad eyesight.
You had to get glasses, dude.
Yeah, fuck.
I wouldn't be a good shot.
You're the worst shot.
And you need to be able to see really well to fly planes.
Yeah, the butcher because you're stabbing people is the only way you get anything done.
That's a good point.
That's why I'm there.
You have to run an 11-minute mile.
That's easy.
Without tripping.
I can't do that.
But if I am allowed to trip, I will do it under 11 minutes.
I think I might be too tall to be a fighter pilot.
I looked it up.
He said, you can't be over 6'8.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm too tall.
I'm too tall.
I think I'm too tall.
Do you think you're beard in a plane?
Do you think you're too tall?
I'm too tall to be an astronaut.
That's a fact.
Okay.
You got to be tiny if you want to be an astronaut, like you guys.
You guys could all be astronomers.
You also have to go to like MIT to be an astronaut.
Say again?
You also have to be like, Yeah, that's the easy part.
I can study.
Read the book and remember the words in the book.
It's just math.
There's nothing fucking hard about that.
Anyway, you guys could all be astronauts.
Especially you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got to be short.
Okay, it says 190 centimeters tall.
Exactly.
How tall is that?
190 centimeters.
No, shorter than me.
Between 58 inches and 79 inches.
Ernest Student Loan Ad00:02:38
What the fuck is that?
Well, 79 inches.
6'6 ⁇ .
76 inches.
76 inches.
6'4.
6'6.
So I can't do it.
Well, it has to be an astronaut.
Yeah.
6'3 is.
But I wouldn't want to be an astronaut.
That doesn't appeal to me.
You can do anything.
Say again?
You're not too tall to do anything.
I can't do most things because of my height.
Because of my extreme height.
I can't do most things.
It's hard, dude.
It's hard, dude.
It's stressful, huh?
Very stressful.
He crouches every time he goes on.
Have you seen him?
Like that one right there?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll slam my fucking head on a doorway, dude.
It's a big problem.
You guys wouldn't relate.
Fivers?
A bunch of fivers.
He's hanging out with a bunch of fivers, dude.
What's it like?
What's it like?
Huh, guys?
It's warmer.
Say again?
It's warmer down here.
It is warmer down there, right?
Oh, no, actually the opposite.
Easier to duck Vietnamese bullets.
I'm waiting for this to work.
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New York Slander00:14:57
All right, guys, we're back in.
We understand there's a war happening, but we also have our lives, and our lives are very important to us.
Yeah, and it's important.
Vacations, yeah.
Vacation is important.
Comedy jokes.
And Akash was just in California.
Yep.
And on a podcast run.
Yep.
During the war.
How was that?
Yo, I invaded California and they welcomed me with open arms.
Wow.
Yeah, yeah.
No, anything you hear otherwise is that's propaganda.
It's spin.
No, this is my first time doing a run on so many of those podcasts.
And dude, it was the best.
Yeah.
The whole LA podcast scene is thriving.
It's great.
They're all hanging out, having fun.
It's great.
We did Fighter and the Kid, which is dope.
I never really got to hang out with Brendan and Brian.
We had a blast in Chappelle.
Yeah, they're great.
Tiger Belly, Bobby Lee, I had never met.
We had never met each other.
He's the best.
That's the most.
He's the best.
I haven't had fun on anybody else's podcast like that.
Nobody's more fun on the planet.
Yeah.
Bobby's the most fun.
Incredible.
Even post-rehab.
The best.
Yeah.
We did Tiger Tiger Wist of Trash Tuesdays.
Those girls came on here.
They said they were going to try to kidnap you.
Why is it?
They said they weren't going to give you back.
Oh, Lord.
All right.
Fair.
Well, they gave me back pretty quickly.
But you know, the best thing was you go to, I started it.
They killed it over here, by the way.
Yeah, that's great.
They're great, dude.
They're great.
The best thing is, I started in LA and I got no love from anywhere.
Like, I go to the comedy store and wait for the fucking open mics, and I never really went back there and headlined because, you know, you just, you don't get the opportunity.
And then to do the whole podcast run and sell out all the shows, like Irvine was 500 seats.
And I remember walking out and seeing every seat full.
Legitimately, Kev, my camera guy, Kevin, was filming me walking on stage and my head like cocked back.
Like, God damn, every seat is full.
I've never seen it like that.
And Oxnard, the love was crazy.
People were like standing up when I got on stage.
Oh, that's fine.
And it was just, it was just a dope.
We're blessed, man.
This is a beautiful, it's a beautiful time.
Good shit.
Yeah, dude.
LA is great.
I can't wait till we move out there.
I'm just really excited about all the things we're doing.
You think it's LA?
You think we'll move to LA?
Somewhere warm, is all I'm saying.
Yeah, I'm with you on that.
I'm done.
I know there are bigger problems in the world, but right now.
No, no, no, no.
There's not.
Yo, you know what's so true?
It's like, maybe that's why Putin's doing it because he's freezing.
Because he's just cold and angry.
Exactly.
He's like, what's a little bit warmer?
Yeah.
Get me closer to the black seat.
No, he's got Crimea.
He's got the southernmost part of Ukraine.
How warm is Crimea, though?
Yeah, I guess that's he wants my York.
You're just angrier if you're cold.
That's why this guy came in in a mood.
He didn't get the LA trip.
You, on the other hand, you got the light of the whole world in you.
I remember that.
How you got a second cigar?
It's so funny.
So, what else?
It was just a fun man.
Again, it was just cool to go back there and not worry about meetings with some fucking agent who, you know, could get you on some dumbass show you probably don't want to be on.
It was just cool to go there, sell tickets, do comedy, hang out with comics.
And I always heard the LA scene was like dead because Rogan left.
They're doing great, dude.
They're doing great over there.
They're doing their shows.
They're selling their tickets.
They're making their money.
And then they just, they, they all got multiple podcasts and they're all just, they seem to be having a blast.
Yeah.
And it was cool to see the, like, feel the love as opposed to going there as like some young kid who nobody knows and nobody cares about.
Fun on this side.
Yeah.
Fun on this side.
Success is good.
Yeah.
All right.
That's what we were saying.
Is uh, where do we go?
Do we leave New York?
I'm so ready.
Yeah.
Winter fucking sucks here, dude.
It's the worst, dude.
It's the worst.
It's the sucks, bro.
It's the worst.
And I'm like, yeah, I don't know.
Every time I walk in the fucking streets and I got my stupid fucking shoulders up around my ears.
Even when it's like 43, it's so fucking windy.
You're like, what?
It's 32 or whatever.
It's freezing.
It's freezing.
Yeah.
I'm out.
If you don't have to live here in the winter, you don't.
There's nobody that lives here in the winter because they want to.
They live here in the winter because they have to.
But we have to get to a point where we don't have to.
Where would that be?
LA's not all it's chalked up to be.
Why is that?
Traffic.
That's true.
Traffic.
Traffic sucks.
Yeah, so we can write our own schedule.
They've got to come to us.
Okay.
Work around traffic.
Influencers, those are not.
I'm not the biggest fan of LA.
Yeah.
I was happier.
I'm happier when I'm in Miami than I am when I'm LA.
I'm fine.
I loved Miami.
Yeah.
I like Miami.
My only concern about Miami is raising a daughter there.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, but you go to the suburb, go to Fort Lauderdale.
Yeah.
Jupiter, Florida.
Jupiter?
No, we're not going to Jupiter, Florida.
I don't know about it, but it seems fun.
Too far north.
You guys want to make another one of this right here, bro?
Yeah.
He's from Orlando.
I'm from Pensacola.
Yeah.
From the basement.
Sparkle like going there, but are we really basing our futures off of what you have popping out?
Okay.
Where do you want to go, Dove?
No, you have to.
I know you'll never go.
I'll do Miami if I can get my whole family out of Miami.
No, no, no.
The thing about the Miami thing with the kids is like, I felt like you kind of get wrapped up into the culture that you exist in, right?
And it's like the value system of Miami on one side, I love.
I love this idea of like, be with your family and like love one another and like party and like that Latin vibe of like, let's just have a great fucking time.
Yeah.
Smile, enjoy life.
That is the shit.
Yeah.
There's another part of Miami, which is like people who have never gotten money and then they just got a lot of money and they have to let everybody know that they got a lot of money.
So the value system skews a little bit.
You're like, how do I show off the money?
Now, New York has money show-offs, but there's something about New York where like style is valued.
Now, I'm not saying that that is more or less corny, but you could get pussy just being like cool looking.
You could be homeless getting pussy.
Like West Elm Caleb was fucking everything in New York.
That's not happening in Miami.
There's no West Elm Caleb in Miami.
Right.
So it's like, now they might be, but it's a guy driving a Lamborghini that he's got fucking leased and he's going to spend his entire money.
He's living with his parents.
So the low thing is up front.
So I do have a little bit of a fear, and maybe this is early.
Like, what if my daughter comes up in this?
Is that going to be her value system?
Now, my question is, why would you have a daughter?
That's kind of sus, I'll be honest.
I want to have a daughter.
I'd be illegal.
Why not just have six boys?
That's what I'm going to do.
Really?
Just because you're the gayest guy in the room doesn't mean all your storms are male.
I'm telling all my homies, bro.
All the boys in my ball bag.
That's the dust.
Yeah, yeah.
100%.
What I'm talking about.
I want some pussy in my ball.
You have to have sons, bro.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
They're all fighting over the balayages and the hangouts and shit.
Oh, man, bro.
I wouldn't have gay gays.
If my kids were gay, they'd be tough gays.
Really?
Yeah.
And how do you make them that?
They just be around me.
You know what I'm saying?
The toughest gay on the block.
Yeah, bro.
I'm Freddie Mercury right now.
Look at me.
I got my wife beat.
I feel like Al don't want a daughter either.
He calls it a white beat.
That's what it is, bro.
The white beat her.
That's a white beat.
Hold on.
You guys don't worry about that at all?
Like the culture you're going to raise your kids in?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, when I was in Miami, you saw where I was.
No, New York is fire, dude.
Right?
Like, because you have access to it all.
Yes.
Like, I don't know.
And maybe, maybe other people don't feel this way, but like, I don't know.
I feel like you're so close to wealth and you're so close to poverty, you're forced to accept all of it and understand that these things can exist in one lifetime.
There is definitely positives to growing up in New York, but I also think it's a little crazy to have that much access to everything.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's a lot.
It's a lot of people.
You don't get a childhood that is insulated in any way.
Yeah.
Also, New York kids are mad stuck up.
That shit was always annoying.
Or y'all would come down to Florida, go to college, be like, oh, yeah, I'm from New York.
Yeah, really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And we get mad pussy after we sing that shit.
And it works.
Yeah.
And it works.
Mad tight.
The only thing worse than that is when someone's just born in New York and then they move and then you go, where are you from?
They're like, I'm from New York.
They go, really?
They're like, well, I moved down from Florida.
That's how they come over here.
New York is the America of America.
Yep.
You know how that shit.
No, you know how like America just goes like, we're the best country in the world.
Like, there's no real metric to propaganda, bro.
Exactly.
But we believe our propaganda and it works.
And it's y'all believe our propaganda.
That's how you know that shit works.
They be so tight they're not from here.
We did nothing to be born here at all, but we feel we're better than y'all because of it.
Yeah.
Isn't that crazy?
I didn't know when I leave.
And as a comic, you're like, nah, I'm in New York.
Like, what do you, what's your little cute city about?
Exactly.
That shit happens to me.
I go back home and I go, bro, I live in New York.
What are you talking about?
Yeah, what are you talking about?
Shit.
Swing that damn.
Tell me this.
Tell me somebody tries to tell you about good food in Orlando and you go back home and you're like, get out of my fucking shit.
I see someone standing in a crosswalk.
I just go by gay.
Yeah, what are you waiting for?
Yeah.
You let the government tell you when you can go to the street.
I jump the highway.
They would kill us when I put on masks and get vaccinated.
Yeah.
That's true.
We are cucks too.
New Yorkers are cucks about certain shit, and we think that we're badasses about other shit.
About everything.
100%.
What is there to be badass about?
Jaywalking.
Nah, that shit is lit.
We jaywalk in front of a car.
Of course you're jaywalk.
It's a one-way street.
It's a one-way street.
What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?
Avenues.
Bro, you live in Florida.
It's a fucking six-lane highway.
Are you going to Jaywalk that?
You walk across the highway?
Everything's highways.
But you don't live in Congress.
Yeah.
What is this guy talking about?
You got a nice bridge over the highway.
You don't got to walk across it.
That's what I'm saying.
I didn't.
In Orlando, I was doing a show and I didn't.
I didn't give a fuck.
Bro, there's a war happening.
You're talking about Orlando?
What's wrong?
Couldn't cross the highway.
With the tanks there, motherfuckers.
Yeah, there's a bunch of people.
Was it Molotov cocktails?
Piece of shit.
Seriously, okay?
We're trying to talk about it.
We talk about our children.
Yeah.
God damn Putin trying to sabotage the fucking podcast.
Fuck you.
Now I'm back, right?
Yeah.
We just made a suspicious edit right there.
Yeah, we did.
Now my mic cord fell out.
I fucked up.
I did it, huh?
Yeah, it happened.
It was all on me.
Motherfucker, you're trying to do New York slander.
That shit doesn't happen.
That shit don't happen, bro.
But wouldn't you want your kid to grow up with that inflated confidence even if it wasn't based on anything real?
It works.
What do you mean you can't like?
You watch Euphoria.
All these motherfuckers live in reality miserable.
Oh, self-aware as fucking.
And don't tell me what happened.
Season two or three.
That's what happened.
Good call.
I'm teaming New York.
We team New York, bro.
New York is fired up.
That's what happened.
See Euphoria.
Now he mad.
Kelly, I'm only on season two episode.
In this episode, season two, episode two.
That's all.
Please, please, please.
I beg.
I beg.
Deion Schultz right now.
Deion Schultz right now, bro.
Tell him what happened.
Yo, DM him immediately.
Pause this podcast.
Honestly, I hope Russia invades.
We're just out there, man.
Ukraine, the rest of Europe, and then America as well.
If y'all tell me what the fuck happened in Euphoria, y'all never gonna feel no euphoria in your life.
Did Russia take over and bring the fucking cold?
They're gonna bring the cold, bro.
It's gonna be some white walker shit happening.
Nah, for real.
That show.
Yeah.
These little self-aware ass kids, like, let these kids believe lies.
Why y'all need to believe so much truth?
What are you saying?
New York is the most real place on earth.
No, it's not.
Reality is New York.
What is real about this place?
We live on top of each other.
We have to people everywhere, crazy people all over the place, going on a train.
That's how rats live, bro.
Bro, we think we're the most privileged people on the planet, and we live on top of each other and little shoeboxes and stare at brick walls all day.
It's a lie.
The whole thing's a lie.
We walk around going, nobody's as lucky as us.
Oh, is there garbage just all over the streets?
Yeah.
Does it smell like piss everywhere?
There are rats all over the fucking.
But we believe the lie and we're happier than all these other motherfuckers that live in houses with backyards and land.
We look down on them.
We go, oh my God, poor you.
We call you bridge and tunnel because y'all got to come to us.
What an amazing thing propaganda is.
It's incredible.
But you got to buy it.
You got to believe it.
This is crypto.
New York is the first crypto.
New York is the first crypto.
Why don't you just do propaganda wherever you're at?
Say it?
Why don't you just do propaganda wherever you're at?
Do it then.
Fuck you doing here.
We did.
Why?
You moved.
The happiest place on earth, baby.
And you left to be miserable with us.
I know.
Shit ain't happy.
I know.
I wish I could go back to the happiest place on earth.
Do some propaganda, son.
Do some propaganda.
What's your propaganda?
Oh, look at Hinduism, man.
Now you go.
I might have seven lives or whatever.
Like, do a life over there.
We got cats, yo.
How many lives y'all got?
700 at least.
All right, whatever then.
700?
I mean, yeah, you got to do a job.
Get out of here.
Cats at night.
You dumb fucker.
Cats at nine.
He said seven.
I was closer.
I never said cats.
Oh, it's this dumb.
Don't let cats on noise.
I got it right in my next life, yo.
I'll get it right in my next life.
Point is, we don't got to live here.
So again, we don't got to live here.
That's the point.
But we do.
We want to.
We want to because it's fire and we want to raise our kids here.
No, you don't.
I saw a guy doing heroin on Houston Street today.
Fire.
You want your kids to see that?
Yep.
That could be your kid.
They see it on Euphoria.
So, what do you want about Miami then?
I don't want my daughter to be a slut.
To be a slut.
To be like excited to be on people's yachts.
That's a good point.
I literally don't want that.
No sluts in New York.
There aren't.
They move here.
They move here from other places and they to fit in.
They just fucking suck it up.
Girls from New York are different, dude.
I'm telling you.
Girls in New York are fucking different.
They seen it all.
They're 15 years old, the nightclub, grown men trying to hit on them.
You think your little pickup line is going to work?
They heard it all 15 years old.
And they already fucked the guy, so they're not there.
Exactly.
They see Nightmare now.
Look at my apartment.
They see 14.
They're not going to fall for it now at 15.
All the girls that fell for West Elm, Caleb, they were transplants.
Of course they transplanted.
All of them.
Maine, New Hampshire.
No New York girl falling for that.
I work at West Elm.
Okay, what do you do?
Do you move around the sofas, West Elm, Caleb?
You're not getting no pussy moving around no fucking sofas.
But these bitches from Maine so excited.
A guy's a goddamn architect.
A designer.
Most architects.
I hear the thing: most of New York is transplants.
Because most real New Yorkers either get out or don't make it out.
Most of New York, 90% of New York is transplants.
This is facts.
New Yorkers that can afford to leave in adulthood end up leaving.
Yeah.
Where do they go?
Most New Yorkers Are Transplants00:05:22
Say again?
Where do they go?
Warmer climates, probably.
That's graduation.
It's like if you make it here, you can make it anywhere.
Where did they?
We made it here.
You want to know some real shit?
Now I could just go anywhere.
We made it, dog.
We made it.
Now let's go make it somewhere else.
Let's make it like Guatemala.
We're making it.
We're making it.
Come on.
We make it.
I'm sick of y'all.
Akash did one podcast road.
He's like, bro, we made it.
No, we made it.
I was on the fight early.
We made it, bro.
I sold out one night at the Irvine Improv.
You mean you're telling me I ain't make it?
Son, son, you think they have just anybody at the Irvine Improv on a Wednesday night?
You think they have just anybody over there?
Are you crazy?
Yo, we made it, bro.
You guys made it.
You're not having to tell me I didn't make it.
Who else in Ontario?
You can make it in Ontario.
You can make it anywhere, dude.
Oxnard, come holler at your boy.
Akash, when did you realize you're like, I fucking know?
So when I was landing the plane and going to Oxnard, well, landed the plane?
Yeah, I was like, whoa, land a motherfucking plane.
I landed it.
And going to Oxnard, I was like, this is the dream.
I made it.
I'm in a minivan on the way to Oxnard.
You know what I mean?
Who's more successful than your boy?
Yeah.
They don't get bigger than this.
It's fire.
Miami or LA, what do you think?
Yeah, lesser two evils.
I'm going to go LA.
Really?
What?
You loved Miami.
Interesting.
What?
You loved Miami.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They got rare hats.
They got better hats in L.A. That's true.
Here's the thing about LA.
LA got swag.
Why don't we just do two things?
You know what I mean?
That's possible.
I don't fuck with that.
I fucks with that heavy.
New York in the summer and then Miami or LA in the winter.
I fucks with that.
But here's the thing.
We're talking about our two locations we're going to live in.
And Ukrainians are also living in two locations.
Hey, they know what it's like.
You're right.
You're going to spend the summer in Poland.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
And then the winter in probably New Russia.
Yeah.
New York, New York.
It's the same.
You're going to be a transplant in your own fucking country.
Do you become an immigrant once someone else takes over your country?
Or is it like when Sprint got T-Mobile and you just automatically are part of the thing?
That happened?
Yeah.
You automatically got turned over?
Yeah.
What was it like being poor?
Yo, I was T-Mobile, so I recall.
Oh, no, that was kind of nice.
You were Russia.
Yeah, yeah.
I was Russian.
I'm Russian, dude.
I tried that Sprint back in the day.
We all had a Sprint in New York.
You had a Sprint?
Nigga, I still had Sprint until you colonized me, motherfucker.
Damn, piece of shit.
You didn't have Spring.
You got Sprint.
Yeah, they had the best family play.
Really?
Because my mom, she's 65.
So you can.
I was about to make the abortion deal.
I was going to make it.
All of us go.
What was your job?
I don't know.
Something, something that goes to Kia.
Oh, yeah.
All right, guys.
We're going to take a break for a second because you got to get your nutrition up, man.
And honestly, you don't have time.
You don't got time to cook.
Okay?
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I had that chicken and parm, bro.
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Hell yeah, bro.
It was amazing, dude.
Son, I'm amazed you remember the name.
That's how good it was.
Son, it was protein-packed chicken parm.
I got that, man.
They got a bunch of them.
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Now, let's get back to the show.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because you bald bitches need to switch it up.
Okay, some of y'all flying out to Turkey.
You're like, I'm going to get some hair plugs in Turkey.
Well, you know what?
You could have done?
You could have got on keeps early.
Okay, you were lying to yourself.
You're looking in the mirror.
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That's why my head looks bald because the light from above.
Maybe you're in a Hilton Garden Suites and you're looking at yourself in Columbus, Ohio.
And you're like, oh, that's just the light from above.
No, it's not.
That's a sign from above.
And that sign is you're going bald and you need to stop that shit immediately.
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Keeps Hair Growth Ad00:12:13
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Now let's get back to the show.
Give me a topic that's interesting.
What are your thoughts on Russia?
David Dobrik?
Yes, I'll tell you.
What is the deal with David Dobrik?
Okay.
I had enough.
It's up there.
I had enough, though.
Casey Neistat is making a documentary about David Dobrik.
What do you have enough at?
These are your fucking topics.
Too much yelling.
Just too much yelling.
Just let him explain some shit for fuck's sake.
Okay, go.
What are you explaining?
David Dobrik was who was talking about that documentary.
Don't you dare fucking explain it after saying you had enough.
No, I'm asking who's going to explain because somebody brought up the topic.
Yeah, so David Dobrik was part of the vlog squad and he's like a massive creator on YouTube.
And slowly things started to come out that he created unsafe environments or unwelcome environments for different people who are part of his squad.
He also got a guy whose last name is Wittick.
Jeff Wittick.
Yeah, so Jeff Wittick, he put him in like an unsafe situation where he had to get major eye surgery, like reconstructive surgery, because he was hanging over of a lake on like it was something unsafe.
But the documentary sort of that from what I understand that Neistat's putting out is going to be shown at South by Southwest.
It's been being filmed for a few years now with David.
And it sort of like explains what's happened on his side and also like strata, like what I'm going to get, I'm going to edit this section out.
It like what.
Fuck, dude, what am I trying to say?
Miles McCurry, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for him real quick.
That was great.
That was really, really good.
Like if you put Matt in danger, is it worth the abuse you're going to get?
You had it, dude.
You had it.
You had it.
Miles.
Miles.
Miles balls on my fucking dog.
TRMID.
Miles.
That was really, really good.
Miles, we needed something to talk about.
And thank God we do.
Okay.
What just happened there?
He really jumped on grenade.
What just happened?
I don't know.
I don't know.
You don't know.
And that's what happened.
You started describing it, and you're like, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
And then you kept going.
This is David Dobrik's last dance.
Is it?
I think so.
It's his, hey, here's my documentary to make me look good at all times, which is my one problem with the Kanye duck.
It's also, I think, kind of similar in that sense.
But this is the thing, I guess, now is we all put out documentaries that are just from our point of view, not we, people much more famous than me, even though I've made it.
Dude, you've made it, dude.
Yeah, dude, I've made it.
Yeah, this documentary coming out of me next year.
But I think it's going to be, hey, I'm not a bad guy, everyone.
Here's what happened from my point of view.
Here's a documentary about it, which is way less fun than a neutral documentary.
And why is Casey a part of this?
Maybe they're homies from back in the day.
Maybe he was a vlog squad adjacent guy.
I don't know.
Was he vlog squad, Miles?
He was not Casey.
He's yes or no.
He's homies with him though.
Yes or no?
That would be a good documentary, actually.
But the stroke Miles just had, that would be awesome.
That would be an awesome documentary.
And it would be so fun.
Because what happened?
Because this happens to me, too.
Sometimes I'll have to, like, you know, I'll be talking.
There's a word that I want to say, and it just won't come to me.
Is that how it happened?
Yeah, I wanted to say straddle, and I kept saying stratisfy.
Stratisfy.
That's not a word.
It isn't.
It was hitting my head.
Just say it with confidence.
It don't matter.
Yeah.
That's what Al was talking.
Yeah, bro.
I didn't do shit.
Or just try to have us fill it in for you.
Be like, you know, like, kind of not, blah, blah, blah.
And then we'd be like, oh, ride the line.
Straddle.
We're here for you.
You just gave up completely and then crawled into a hole and literally physically moved your mic.
You took your own mic away.
You took your own mic.
You're like, I don't deserve this mic.
And you removed it for yourself.
Alice.
This is so much fun right now.
Miles has had a true breakdown.
And what he's also realizing in the moment is this is all going to be kept in the essay.
And it is fucking crippling him once again.
And he's just boxed in there.
He can't fucking leave.
And you're just dying laughing at him.
This is horrible.
I've been there.
I've been there, man.
Damn, bro.
Which Harry Potter is this most similar to?
Goblet of Fire.
Goblet of Fire.
I was thinking the same thing.
Absolutely.
Miles, it's okay.
We're here for you.
Okay.
Just say you're missing a lot.
I'm going to do this all day, hours at a time.
I'm so sweaty.
You got a little sweaty right there?
Yeah.
This is good.
I think the whole podcast should just be us asking Miles to explain things to us.
And I think you're just fucking yelling at Devaduz's way through.
That's it.
I think that could be great.
Okay.
I haven't slept in days.
Okay.
I'm a little stressed out right now.
Maybe not in the best mood.
And this would really cheer me the fuck up.
Tell me about Russell Peters' wedding.
Russell Peters had a big wedding.
Okay.
Some say, some say that it was better than yours.
No, they don't.
Some say, some say.
Hey, shout out to fucking OG.
Russ, you the fucking man.
I love you, dog.
Love you, buddy.
But nah, bro.
He got you didn't even see it.
Yeah, he got wedding gifts from everyone at his wedding.
Whoa, that's crazy.
Guys, this is an old story.
It's fresh.
I still haven't gotten a wedding gift.
That's pretty fresh.
You get 24-7 devotion from me until then.
And you get paid.
Yep, I do.
You don't do that for free.
Yeah.
Handsomely paid.
I don't.
Some might say over.
Okay.
I need a fucking wedding gift.
Should we start putting a timeline on this?
I think you should start running up interest.
Put a big on it.
I should put a vig on it.
They created interest.
Now coming back to my phone.
Yeah.
Usury.
Say the number.
I feel used.
You want money?
Say the number.
10,000.
Done.
Sick.
Oh, did I say that?
You just throw it out dub, right?
No, no, no.
I want to see Dove come through.
Let's let him come through.
10,000 U.S. dollars.
He just said he'd do it.
Hold him to it.
$10,000.
Yeah, go rubles.
That'll work out.
I think.
Hey, we're not talking about war anymore.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We stopped talking about war.
We stopped talking about international conflict.
Miles, Kanye is dating a Kim K lookalike.
I've done that where you date someone who looks just like the person you last dated.
Really?
Yeah.
Keep that shit running.
You just have to fix the name.
That's the hard part.
Two trolls?
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
So, where do you find other ugly girls?
There's a whole lot of people.
Two trolls?
He just got right back on the same short bus where he found the first one.
We can't bully Miles just because we're having a rough episode.
That's not fair.
Yeah, we're Russia now.
That is Russia.
I feel very Ukrainian right now.
You do.
No, you're in a relationship, right?
No.
Whoa.
Yes.
Talk about it.
New Transportation.
All I know is that one time I met a very hot girl that Miles was dating.
Damn.
But now any girl who hasn't met you knows they're not that girl.
This is shit.
Why are you so mean?
Such an idiot.
He's a bad guy, guys.
You're just learning about it.
Well, it might be that girl still.
It might be that girl still.
Yeah, but it is.
It is.
It ain't got it.
Go on, boy.
That's all I'm talking about.
Damn.
But now.
Get on me.
That's what I'm talking about, Miles.
Okay.
Hold on.
Miles is still single.
Hotty.
Yo, you have recovered Miles two minutes ago.
No.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Miles might not be single.
Miles might be in a relationship with a super hot chick.
She has to be worthy of him.
Ooh.
Miles is a high-value man.
Yes.
Yeah.
Alpha.
Okay.
Right, Mom?
It might have value.
Come on, Miles.
I'm all right with middle value.
This guy, bro.
This guy.
Come on.
This guy.
He's a Ukrainian hooker, dude.
This guy.
No self-esteem.
I do have to snitch.
I got a snitch.
So, Mark gets this.
That was an anniversary present, right?
What?
That you got, you went with your shorty and got it.
That's all right.
You can.
Hey, Universal Breaks.
Episode's been sponsored by Miles piggybacks on the same date and got a universal bracelet situation with that girl.
Yeah, and then that shit right there is mag gay.
That shit is so fucking gay.
No, no, yours clamps off.
Theirs don't have a clamp.
They can't.
Oh, wait, really?
Yeah, they're welded on.
Welded, bro.
Eternal love.
Yeah.
They doing like some gay shit over here.
I was about to say, I was looking at your wrist.
I was like, you got a bracelet too, fam, but I kind of want to go on this bullying.
I can take my shit off.
Yeah, yeah.
Wait a minute.
So wait, why did you do that?
And was it with your new girlfriend?
She's not my girlfriend, but yes.
You have a universal bracelet with a girl that's not your girlfriend?
I asked her.
That's that's like what is going on?
You don't feel guilty crushing Jewish box in Williamsburg?
Dude, he's banging out these Jewish broads in Williamsburg.
Why do you think they're Jewish?
You told me.
You're tearing up the arroof, bro.
You told me, bro.
They only do anal.
Say again?
They only do anal.
Yeah, I didn't say it was fucking their pussy holes.
Oh, okay.
Jesus.
I won't confirm nor deny it.
I did get that.
And then I told Shifty.
He asked me, he goes, yo, what do I do with my girl?
And Shifty got the same damn bracelet with his girl.
All three of them are just piggybacking on the same gift.
So wait a minute.
Aw, really?
Yeah, Shifty did the same thing.
Why are you speechless?
Why are you speechless?
I can't bully Shifty.
He's got to edit the special.
But in two weeks, I'm going to address that with Shifty.
We've been putting Shifty.
So I've seen him like this.
Exactly.
But now you have your own unique thing.
Are you worried that you're also doing a unique thing?
It's no longer unique.
That's a question to you, Miles.
Oh, that's to me.
Yeah, I'm not worried about it.
I had the idea, and then Mark took it first.
Wow.
Oh, no.
And did it better.
That seems to be a common thing.
Yeah.
It's true.
I don't know what I was saying.
I was trying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
When you know that word, just say things.
Keep going, just keep going.
Yeah, that seems to be a construction self, too.
I got to stratify this.
I got to pass it.
So, why'd you take his date gift?
Better idea.
Why do you give him cards?
Yo, you're not a good friend to him.
You are.
You don't let him live with you.
You steal all his ideas.
You take credit for them.
You're not a good friend.
I'm not afraid of jokes.
What do you mean?
This is a toxic relationship.
But he doesn't have the timing that I have.
That's true.
It's like, duh, I'm going to take it.
Yo, but when Miles is drunk, when Miles is drunk, we got to get Miles drunk one episode.
We can pass it right now.
We can use it right now.
Should we get him drunk?
We actually need it.
Can we get Miles Shift?
Because when Miles gets shifted, he gets angry.
Yeah.
And he gets capitalist.
He's not, he's a little bit cucky when he's not drunk.
He's a little socialist cuck.
He's a little socialist cuck, but once he gets fucking drunk, he turns to a capitalist and his resentment for Mark comes out.
Yeah.
He just starts fucking laying.
Time in his time.
Crazy.
Yeah, time is.
Crazy.
He's already got some stuff in the fucking thing right now, dude.
You know, right now.
Miles?
What you overthinking right now?
Everything.
I feel bad.
I snitched on him.
He told me that before the podcast.
Yeah, but that's not your fault.
Drunk Miles Gets Capitalist00:14:30
He stole your activity.
Yeah, that is true.
He's abusive toward you.
What do you mean?
He's the Nate Jacobs in a relationship.
Yeah.
I'm only on episode three.
That's all I said, though.
Okay, good.
I give nothing away.
Shout out to Nate Jacobs.
All right, Mark, do your magic trick.
I got no magic trick.
Why do you have jokes?
You do.
Just in case.
Now, you do have a magic trick.
I don't have a magic trade.
Damn, we're at this point that we don't have magic tricks.
I got no magic trick.
Just in case the game breaks.
Give me a time.
Scroll that down.
Guys, infamous tour, Toronto, it's on.
It's happening.
I've been telling y'all this.
Some of y'all still wondering.
I don't know why the fuck you wondering.
We are coming there.
We are going to be there.
Okay.
We're going to be there the fourth and the fifth.
Okay.
We got three shows.
Meridian Hall.
We will see you there.
Also, Birmingham, Alabama, only a few seats left for that.
New Orleans, only a few seats left for that.
Cleveland, get on it.
Pittsburgh, only a few seats left for that.
Montreal, same thing.
We got two shows.
And then New York City, you know, we had that second show.
Atlantic City sold out.
Vancouver, Canada.
That's where the infamous tour ends.
Officially done right there.
And then we got a special to deliver to y'all.
So DandrewSchultz.com for those tickets.
This is the last time y'all get to see infamous before you see it on the screens in your home.
Akash, what you got?
Just watch it both.
Go live, watch the special.
It's going to be dope both ways.
Anyway, first of all, thank you so much, LA.
We sold out everything.
Thank you guys.
It was amazing.
Also, just so you to remind you guys, the March 11th Vancouver show is now moved to July 1st.
In case you guys are still being cocky, make sure you cop your tickets.
Now, this month, March 18th through 20th, I'm going to be in San Antonio at LOL Comedy Club.
Just added April 1st and 2nd, Toledo, Ohio.
I'm going to be at the Funny Bone, Ohio.
You guys have been asking me to come through.
Cleveland, this close enough.
Just bring that ass through.
I ain't making Ohio stops twice.
I'm not trying to get got.
April 8th and 9th, I'm going to be at the Tampa Improv.
April 22nd and 23rd, tickets are starting to sell out.
So go to Toronto, go to the Royal Theater, AkashSing.com, get your tickets.
April 28th through 30th, Bridgeport, Connecticut.
I'm going to be at the Stress Factory.
May 12th through May 14th, I'm going to be in Tacoma, Washington at the Tacoma Comedy Club.
And May 19th through 21st, I'm going to be in Michigan.
I'm going to be going to Holland, Muskegon, and Grand Rapids.
Get your tickets at akashsing.com.
Now let's get back to the show.
There's a transracial influencer named Ollie London.
This is the British chick that said that she's Korean.
Yes.
And she's planning to get.
Yeah, I know this dude from Atlanta would be a little bit more.
That's all an advertisement.
That's just an ad.
Yeah, I know.
What is he going to fight at?
I was like, whoa, package.
Have you never seen an ad?
I don't understand.
Son, I'm not going to be able to do that.
You watch the Super Bowl.
You're looking what's going on.
I see what he's talking about.
Okay.
So this Ollie London is planning to get penis reduction surgery in order to look more Korean.
She's trolling, right?
Like this chick is just troll.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
She's there, Takashi.
Oh, she's one of these people that understands all publicity and good publicity.
She looks trans, she looks Korean.
He's he now.
Oh, he's he.
So be respectful.
Are you sure?
Uh, according to Newsweek, he has revealed that he's looking into undergoing penis reduction surgery.
Why?
Then why?
Yo, that's such a flex.
Wait, I'm looking into that too.
Yo, I'm looking into that.
Yo, I'm looking.
Yo, what a fire headline.
Oh my God.
Where's my publicist?
Put that shit out of everything.
Schultz is looking.
Hey, do something.
Schultz is looking into penis reduction surgery.
How much are you taking off?
Honestly, to be honest, please.
I think I got to take away half minimum.
Really?
Dude.
How big is it?
Six inches at least.
I got to take away at least six to eight inches.
I got to take away at least six to eight inches.
If my girl is going to get pregnant.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm sticking just, you know, I'm stick the thing.
Yeah.
The thing.
No, for real.
Because that is a fire headline.
It's just so big that it's causing pain for my girl.
And not you.
Not me.
That shit don't hurt me, dog.
You don't step on it ever?
Nah.
Never step on it.
I got a grower.
I got a grower.
Am I calling him right now?
Please call a penis reduction doctor.
But isn't that a fire headline?
Yeah.
Yeah, but it's to appear more Korean, which is the funniest part of it.
It's a part of his transformation, is what it says.
So he's not doing it because his dick is huge.
He's doing it because his dick is too big to be Korean.
What are we doing right now?
Yeah.
Dr. Alter's office.
Excuse me.
We were just looking up.
Do you guys, I know you do penis reconstruction surgery and different things.
Is there a reduction surgery that you offer?
Can I please be on hold?
Sure.
Yo, Dub had them on speed dial, son.
Wait, who did you just call?
Big dick Dub, bro.
Who did you just call?
He's been looking into this.
The doctor that does the thing.
He's set to do the thing.
Okay, when they come back, we don't have to listen to a thing, but we'll get to that.
Where were we just talking?
I'm saying she's not doing it because her dick is huge.
He's doing it because his dick is too big to be Korean in his mind.
Yeah, I understand why she's doing it.
What I'm saying is, like, if you weren't transracial, trying to be Asian and then just be it in the most offensive way.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This person is committed to Asian hate.
Yeah.
Like.
Wait, what was this person born as originally?
White dude.
White dude.
Come on.
White person doing that shit.
White British dude.
And now it.
BTS.
But now it's she or still he.
I don't fucking know what this thing is.
It says it was she first.
It says he.
White woman first.
Obviously, it's a white woman.
Who else would do this?
Oh, so it was a white woman first.
Yeah.
You just said it was a white dude first.
I think it was born a dude.
And I think transitioned into a girl.
And now he's transitioned back into a male Korean.
Really?
Is that accurate?
I mean, born a dude.
I think it has to be born a dude.
We're in a post-truth society, okay?
And I don't know if it's possible to know what gender this person started as, but we know it's a he now.
It's a he now.
And no, it was always born with the dick because it's getting it reduced.
Yeah, I thought it was born a female.
Then got a fat one put on.
Chopping the dick.
I got the wrong dick.
It's possible it could have got the wrong dick.
Can you do a Brazilian dick lift?
Can you take fat from your body and then stuff it into your dick?
I'm going to make a fatter dick.
Yeah.
Do you have fat on your dick or is it just cartilage?
One day.
Ooh.
Yeah, I don't think it's cililililil.
Just cartilage.
No, it's not.
It's just blood and muscle.
What?
Muscle?
Yeah, it just engorges with blood.
There's no cartilage.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Yo, there's no bones in there, dog.
It's colouring, but there's no bones in there.
I don't think there's muscle in there, though.
There's cartilage, isn't it?
Cartilage?
No, there can be cartilage.
What about when you break your dick?
Oh, what is that?
That's the soft, spongy something, right?
Yeah.
Spongy tissue.
It's tissues.
I don't know if it's muscle.
Well, something happens where you break your dick.
Like, sometimes there are guys who have broken their dick, and then when it gets hard, it bents.
You stay a muscle.
You sprain a muscle.
You sprain.
No, you don't sprain a muscle.
You strain or tear.
That's why I thought it was cartilage.
Isn't the stuff in between your knee bones the same as dick?
No, I don't think so.
You think that's dick?
That's also your ears and nose.
That's like wiggle.
You think your ACL is dick?
Yeah.
Like, if you tear your ACL, you could just put part of your dick in there.
You could, right?
You take a little strap of your dick.
100%.
That's what OBJ did, dude.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, you take a little piece of his dick.
Like, you know, there's some, you know, like, if you're a burn victim, they take the back of your thigh and they put it on your face or whatever.
Like that.
Yeah.
You can get a dick raft if you tear your ACL or your meniscus.
Okay.
Yeah.
Most people walking around with dick meniscus, dude.
Yeah.
Yeah, what is dick made out of?
Say what?
It says spongy tissue.
That's all it says.
That's it.
Dick is made out of dick, bro.
Dick is made out of dick.
That's actually a good question, dude.
What are they doing?
Come?
That's not true.
Yeah, it's cum sex.
I have mostly come in my balls and veins as fun.
Not on the inside, but the skin.
My left ball is so fucking veiny, dude.
My girl, we're talking about when we want to start having kids, and I don't have the heart to break it to her.
Like, these things don't fucking work.
Are you kidding, bro?
I got so much varicosi, I got to get that shit scooped and thrown up.
You know what I mean?
I went to the doctor once because your balls extend down when you're too hot and they go up when you're too cold, right?
Because I think you have to maintain the right temperature for sperm or else the sperm dies.
But my balls are just caught in a web of varicose veins.
Wait, so do they even descend?
Yeah, they descend, they come back up.
There's just so much.
My veins look like an old woman's feet.
It's just varicosity everywhere.
Oh, that's sick.
Absolutely.
Ball, fully blue.
Fully blue.
At all times.
Always blue balls.
100%.
Absolutely.
Dr. Alter offers a solution for all that.
Yeah, I know.
You could just get that shit scooped and pulled back.
I remember going to a doctor to ask about this.
And then I was like, what's the issue here?
And then he goes, we could just get it pulled up if it's uncomfortable for you, but if not, don't worry about it.
I was like, well, is there anything wrong health-wise?
He goes, it's possible it could reduce sperm count because the temperature of your balls might be hotter because you have the veins down there.
And I'm like, so you're saying it might be harder for me to get a girl pregnant?
And they were like, yeah.
And this is when I'm single.
And I was like, let's go.
Your boy.
God looking out.
That's why I always got to sit with like one leg up like this.
It's because literally the veins will create so much blood flow down there that I have to reduce the blood.
Is it a parasite?
Is it possible it's a parasite?
Yeah, it's a parasite.
It's some type of tapeworm.
It's a tapeworm.
It could be a gay tapeworm that's just sucking.
It's not gay.
It's not gay.
But it's eating up all your cum.
I have female cum, remember?
Oh.
Yeah, unlike you.
Yeah.
My cum's mad.
Dude, I was actually thinking about this.
You know what's super gay?
What is it?
Blood transfusion.
Say again?
Blood transfusion.
Why?
Because if you get your blood, put in another guy, and then he's getting boners all the time with your blood.
That shit is super gay.
Oh, because his blood, your blood is into his dick.
It's making his dick all hard.
If that's what makes dicks hard.
But that'll make you gay.
That makes the recipient gay.
Yeah.
My dick doesn't get hard from blood.
It gets hard from pussy and fat tits.
No, but it's blood that's literally making it hard.
No, it's dick, bro.
No, it's not.
It's spongy tissue with blood.
It's dick, dude.
It's ACL.
Yeah.
My dick just gets hard and it's dick in there, bro.
It's not blood.
It's spongy tissue.
Say again?
It's spongy tissue.
I have blood in my arm and I can squeeze it, bro.
Blood doesn't make it.
If your blood made your body hard, you just walk around like this all day.
Right?
Like a mummy, right?
Why is it just when blood goes into your dick, it's super hard and it break any?
Because it's spongy.
Say again?
It's spongy tissue.
No, it's not spongy.
Sometimes it is, but I'm not that into it.
There's always part, it's super hard.
Blood is what makes your dick hard.
It's cartilage, bro.
It's not cartilage.
It's ACLs.
It's spongy.
It's spongy tissue.
It's not.
Spongy tissue, you fill the blood.
You're saying once the blood hits the tissue, it creates some sort of like a dried out panther too.
Have you ever seen a dried out?
My dick is a Black Panther, dude.
My dick is Black Panther's.
Insult my dick.
That shit'll get hard.
Your dick looks like Forrest Whitaker, bro.
Just fucking.
Joe, chill out, dude.
Hold on, dude.
I'll get so fucking brick.
Have you ever seen an old sponge under a sink?
Yeah.
That's your flaccid dick.
No.
What happens when you fill it with water?
It gets super hard and comes all over a girl's head.
Yeah.
It does.
No, dude, look, it's spongy tissue that literally fills up, and then you have muscles located at the bottom at the base.
Okay, and that's what makes you feel something.
No, the muscles have to be throughout.
That's what that spasm is.
What's that?
When you come, it's just a spasm and it's boom.
What sound did you make for that?
It's the cum coming out.
Yeah, it comes coming out.
It's the sound of the police.
Is that what you sound like?
That's what I do.
What do you sound like when you come?
No.
Yeah, that's my noise.
Stop it.
Yeah.
What do you sound like, Al?
I've been covering all episode, bro.
I think that it's not just blood.
I think blood does something to that spongy material you're talking about.
It's like spongy tissue.
It's like spongy tissue.
He's trying to coach.
I don't even know what the fuck the answer is.
He's reading it.
No.
Like, I'm telling you what the answer is.
I know what implicitly.
You said it was blood.
It's blood and some other stuff.
Spongy tissue.
No, it's pterodactyl.
What was the shit that Miles was trying to say earlier?
It's my bifida.
It's my bifida.
I'm just saying, people say it's blood that makes your dick hard.
No, it's not.
Blood doesn't make anything hard.
Or else we would walk around hard.
No, blood makes your muscles hard.
No, it doesn't.
Yeah, it does.
No, it doesn't.
Working out makes your muscles hard.
Flexing.
But what I'm saying flex.
What is it?
It's a flex.
What is a flex?
It's flexing.
Flexing is the muscle.
Yeah.
What's going into the muscles to make it flex?
No, it's just making the muscle shorter.
Bro, you're a hydraulics.
Makes the muscle shorter.
You're hydraulics.
You got him on that.
Yeah, it just makes the muscle shorter, dude.
You're taking a big finger, you're squeezing it together, it gets bigger.
Dude, you think it's blood going in there?
What happens when you get a pump at the gym?
What are you getting pumped with?
You squeeze your muscles.
You're squeezing them.
You're going like this.
No, you're a politician right now.
No, you're squeezing your muscles.
How do you work out?
You go like this, right?
He's pootening right now.
He's pootening.
You don't work out like that.
You don't stretch it all out.
You don't stretch it out at all.
I'm just saying, when you work out, think about what you do.
Yeah, okay.
You think it's blood that gets filled there?
You have the same amount of blood in your fucking body, idiot.
You think you make new blood?
That's why you get lightheaded sometimes.
Wait, wait, wait.
You think you make new blood?
You do make new blood.
You make new blood while you're working out and none leaves?
You make blood all the time.
Yeah, I think he's right about that.
You're not a woman.
A fucking lady.
Bleeding out six days a month.
Six?
Yeah.
Okay.
Or five?
Who knows?
I mean, it could be a heavy blow.
So my girl be surprised about her period every month.
I'm like, yo, fucking write it down.
Every month.
Every month she got a fucking attitude for three days and they go, I got my period.
I had no clue.
I had no clue.
My period was coming.
I have no clue.
Every 28 days.
How do y'all not know this already?
Is she super regular?
Say again?
Is she super regular?
Yeah.
It's the same.
Within two days, every single month.
I'm trying to tell her one time.
It's like, yo, my ball looks like a map, dude.
It's going to be coming all the time.
It's going to be coming all the time.
Period Attitude Every Month00:08:46
Read that dick.
For real.
Girls, that's no excuse.
Stop being surprised by your fucking period, are you?
So according to this article, this is spongy tissue.
And then these are all the different conditions.
You still talk about dick, bro?
Yeah.
God damn.
Move on.
Trying to diagnose.
The next topic.
Trying to diagnose.
Come on.
Let's talk about sucking dicks or something, bro.
What's the next topic?
Which one of these conditions do you have?
He got ball issues, not dick issues.
What are those?
Are those Akash's relatives?
Torby, Ipsadias, Hipsa Dias, Palmatas.
Yeah, that's funny.
I didn't even know some of these are possible.
You read the opening on the penis.
You got the underside of the penis rather than at the tip.
That's Dave.
Dave has that.
Dave the rapper.
A little dicky.
Really?
Yeah, he talks about that in his show.
He talks about it in his show, Mad Time.
That doesn't sound like a disease.
Talk about how much dick is in the show euphoria and ain't no pussy lips.
It's a lot of dick.
And we don't ever see the trans girl's dick.
I'm trying to see that shit.
I ain't gonna lie.
I'm trying to see it.
I'm trying to see it.
Hot ass girl with a dick.
Right, though?
Yo, y'all not trying to see her little dick?
There's one part where you almost see it.
Whoa, Don't break it up.
No, he saw it already.
Is it season one?
No, no.
Yeah, she pisses.
You don't even see it.
You can think about it, though.
You can fantasize about it.
I did.
I did.
Just look at your own dick and connect the dots.
Say again?
Look at your own dick and then connect the dots.
It's probably sad.
I don't got a dick like that, bro.
What do you mean?
I don't know.
That girl's packing heat, I think.
She got mad confidence.
And remember when Zendaya started to finger her, even though she had a dick in that one episode?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like she put her hand on her pants and then she was just doing like the fingering motion.
Oh.
But it wasn't like that motion.
She was just rubbing it up and down.
The clit is kind of like a penis head, though.
But does she have to treat the dick like a clit?
Like, do you think she jerks off by just like rubbing the top of it?
Out of respect?
Just polishing the top until she comes?
Like a bowling ball.
What is that?
Like a ball, like your shiny shoes.
I'm like, what is she?
Yeah.
I'm just saying.
They're clearly doing something.
And the creator of the show is a smart person.
Yeah.
So maybe he's trying to show how uneven new it is.
That's what I thought it was.
You didn't have any issue in Game of Thrones when they were showing mad boobies.
But they weren't showing no box.
A mild amount of box.
More box than pigs.
No lips, no box lips.
No, but most of it was internal.
It was mostly.
I want to see dangly pussy lips.
Why don't we ever see that on HBO?
Not once.
Yeah, we should normalize that.
I would love that.
Yeah.
Let's go.
Make it look like a St. Bernard.
Who cares?
I would like it.
Yeah.
I would like that.
Because if you watch Game of Thrones, mostly boobies, sometimes box, only one or two penises.
You never see pussy lips.
You never see pussy lips.
When you're in fucking Baylish's little whorehouse.
You don't see pussy lips?
I think you do.
I think you do.
You don't.
I know for a fact.
And if you look at the you never see a girl like this spread like that.
Like you see dick.
You see dangle lang straight on in Game of Thrones, and you see Dangle Lang straight on in Euphoria.
You never see a girl spread legs like that, staring right down her barrel.
Do you?
It's a show about high schoolers.
Ain't that high school dick you're looking at?
Yo, isn't that weird too?
Why are we looking at underage pee-pee?
Nah, I thought it was the father we saw.
Whose dick that we see?
In Euphoria?
You see everybody.
There's a thousand dicks in that show out.
Dick everywhere, dog.
Every episode.
You should be looking because y'all can see.
Yes, I do be looking.
Yes, I do be looking.
Yeah.
All right.
I got a 65-inch screen.
Watching 4K.
Yeah.
OLED.
High school dangle.
Nah, but they even it out with the boobs.
They showed that.
None of those dudes shave either.
That's another thing.
No, it's even.
Not even, bro.
It's even.
Yeah, that's because you're counting two titties per.
You're counting individual titties.
I count sets of titties.
I've only watched three episodes of the second season and the whole first season.
Can I give a hot take?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Obviously.
Yeah, which character are you now?
Maddie over Cassie for your boy.
G's up.
G's up.
Wait, what?
Maddie over Cassie.
I'm going to watch the show, dude.
He's going to read the game.
You like the blonde shorty with the fat tits?
Yeah.
Yo, I know I'm comfy with my wife because I be talking all the shit about that girl's big old boobs in that show, man.
All the shit.
As you should.
I know now we're at that point.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Does she talk about the Dixons?
Nope.
She better not.
What you mean?
She can't be comfortable.
She better not.
She can't be comfortable.
That's the quality.
That's a quality.
I'll be hating on him, too.
I think he fluffed his shit before the scene, bro.
He was a hater.
Yo, because I'd be looking, bro.
You would, though, right?
There was one dude whose dick was bigger in one scene than it was in the other.
Yo, you looking like it.
I'm dead.
Yeah.
I'm Nate.
Continuity.
I'm Nate Jacobs.
One dick was bigger in one than another scene.
I think he was fluffing his shit up.
CGI?
Not CGI.
Just enhancement.
Literally rubbed down.
You looking, looking, bro.
I'm looking at dicks.
Why would you judge them, though?
Would you not?
Yeah, you have to.
Medium liberal, you got to.
Any psychopath that didn't put their, that puts their actual small dick out, you're crazy.
Yeah, it's wild.
You got to have it almost hard.
Yeah.
But still facing down.
I would put tape on the bottom.
I'd tape it to my balls.
I have full hard dick, and they'd be like, yo, why is it bent at the top a lot?
And I'd be like, that's how my dick looks.
Like, stop shaming me.
Yeah.
I would literally have a rope tied right under my head so you couldn't see it.
And I have that going right to anal beads and I'd stick them up my ass so you couldn't see it.
And I'd be squeezing my ass cheeks.
I'd be squeezing my ass cheeks to keep it down, but have the super fattest fucking dick.
Yeah.
And I just say my one line.
That's it.
Just dick and one line.
But it's not even a nude scene.
What was your line?
Say again.
What was your line?
I beg.
I'm here to audition for Oklahoma.
If your kid was trans, would you rather it's a boy that transitions to a girl or a girl that transitions to a boy?
Hey, dang, don't cut that out with the girl transition to a boy shit.
Fuck out of here with that and all that.
Come on now with that and all that.
Under my house?
Nah.
Nah, bro.
Nah, bro.
You gotta have a pecker to be a boy in my house.
If you want to go to male to female, I'm with that shit.
You know what I'm saying?
I can use some pussy in this place.
You know what I'm saying?
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
So what?
Go help your mama.
Also, it might not be posted.
Your daughter might still have a penis in the song.
Say what?
Your daughter might still have a penis.
She's going to do it.
She's going to do it.
No.
And I get to pick out that little pussy.
Or at least help.
Don't you want me to tell you what a good pussy looks like?
Don't you want your dad to tell you what's a good pussy look like?
Yeah.
So you don't want your dad to tell you?
I'm going to tell you what a good pussy looks like back in my day.
Back in my day.
Them pussies are played out, damn.
Yeah.
You're going to be mad played with your pussy taste.
Oh, my God.
You think pussy taste is trendy?
I think so.
I think it's got to be on trend.
I would help her, though.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I would like that.
Also, keep your dick, too.
That's fine.
Either way, I'm all about that.
But if you have a son that's like, oh, I'm actually a woman.
What you doing to yourself?
I don't know.
A daughter.
What you doing to yourself?
A woman that's actually like, oh, my boy.
A girl.
Gay girls.
That's the same.
Ain't that the same?
So you don't believe in girls.
You're a little bit more younger than me.
Yeah, like, no, I do believe it, but like, when lesbians, a lot of times, like the bull lesbian.
You say mask.
Oh, the masculine lesbian.
The alpha lesbian.
The alpha lesbian is treated the same way as the trans dude.
Like, I think societally.
And the expectations were the same.
They were dressing as dudes, acting as dudes, strapping down their titties so you couldn't see them.
I just didn't think trans were accepted enough for them to fill that role.
So now a lot of those girls that we saw up, saw grow up dressing as what's it called, bull.
What is it called?
Not bull.
Mask.
Mask lesbian.
Don't say bull.
Yeah.
What is mastodon?
What does that say?
Masculine.
Oh, masculine.
Masculine.
Okay.
Yeah.
Masculine.
I thought you just the dude lesbian.
No, no, you don't say dude lesbian.
We called them bulls.
Bulls.
What is that short for?
Bull dyke.
Right?
The dude lesbian or the chick lesbian.
That's how we is, dude.
Yeah.
But those are an offender.
It's mask and femme.
That's what it is.
We would say you would call femme.
Yeah, I heard femme.
Femme.
Yeah, femme.
Or the hot lesbians.
Right?
The hot lesbians, right?
The ones probably bi.
Let's be honest.
Yeah, the bi lesbians.
Right?
The one that some guy hurts.
The one that's just going through a phase.
This is your face.
This is your scissor phase.
Less evolved time.
Less evolved.
That is fucked up.
Based on your attractiveness, we judge how gay you are.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That is unfair.
It's truly unfair.
These women could be lesbians.
I'm glad we evolved from then.
Hot Bi Lesbians00:03:29
100%.
You did?
No, did we evolve from it?
I did on camera.
You know?
You watched that show, Euphoria?
You haven't watched it all, so I can't tell you.
Like, that shit changing.
That shit, I'll tell you this.
Pretty trans people change your whole perception.
We need to have that beautiful trans chick on the show.
I would love that.
What's her name?
Hunter Schaefer.
Hunter Schaefer.
Jew.
I'll look that up.
Because that's interesting.
Because she's going to get circumcised again.
She's like, dad, you didn't take enough.
We could set up Dove and Hunter.
Huh?
We could set up Dove and Hunter.
From Trenton.
Wish you got trans on the show.
I would like that.
But like, one that's cool, we can ask them anything.
We need to be able to ask.
We need to have a safe enough environment where we can ask the ignorant questions.
Yes.
Because without them thinking it's bigoted.
No, no, because we do.
Yeah.
We do.
Do you know the number one song in Ukraine right now?
What is it?
I don't know.
Bombs of her bagdad?
This guy is.
You were just sold for.
That was uncalled for.
I'm talking about war in other countries, guys.
Is that something I can't talk about?
You guys know this is not the only place getting attacked right now, the Ukraine, right?
Maybe I'm the only one woken up to think about it.
All wars matter.
All wars matter, guys.
Yeah.
O-M-G.
Yeah.
That is crazy.
Do you think that, like, in Yemen, if they just wore blonde wigs to the weddings, that it would be safer?
The drones would just fly right over.
They wouldn't even notice.
No threat here.
Yes.
Yeah.
Blue contacts, blonde wigs.
You still get to cover your hair and wear hair.
So now everybody's taken care of.
And you don't get bombed because you're blonde hair, blue eyes.
There you go.
I think we just solved the war in Yemen.
Yemen, done.
Oh, so apparently the battle cry for the Ukrainians is D. Snyder's song, We're Not Gonna Take It.