Andrew Schulz and Akaash Singh recount a chaotic Mercury Bar incident where Andrew embarrassed Akash by teaching him the Dougie dance move. They pivot to a TikTok challenge mocking men afraid to dance with girlfriends, joking about avoiding pedophilia accusations amidst only children on the platform. The conversation shifts to Francis Ellis's dark tweet linking sex frequency to his grandmother's death and crude "cold case file" references. Ultimately, the segment highlights how comedians warp reality compared to regular social interactions while promoting Schulz's Patreon for full stories. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Rebel Against The Challenge00:04:26
I went out.
I had a drink last night.
I went to a bar.
I went to a bar.
I went out.
I'm not a son of you.
I'm a rebel.
I'm a rebel, son.
I'm out here going.
I'm awake nowhere.
COVID nowhere.
We can't be stopped now.
Because it's bad boys.
We ain't.
COVID nowhere.
We ain't.
COVID.
Shulsi.
We can't be stopped now.
Have a drink.
Drink home.
Tell us more about your rebellion, Andrew.
Son, I'm a rebel.
I got no cause.
Son of a broken.
You're a fucking rebel, son.
What'd you do last night?
Get yelled at?
You know what I mean?
Pussy ass.
Yo, that's another thing about it.
I got to call y'all out for being pussy.
I came through with a fucking, y'all need to believe in your girls more.
Y'all need to believe in your girls more.
You don't even mention this.
Nah, nah, y'all need to believe in your girls more.
Son, I said a TikTok challenge to all of y'all.
I said, you and your girl, battle us.
Because me and my girl battled in this TikTok dance.
Yo, all y'all got scared, son.
Y'all could, Mark, on my back.
No, I was saying.
I was busy.
Yeah, he's busy not being a loser and doing TikTok videos.
Getting my dicks up.
Son, but I'm not on this shit.
I'm not doing it because there's only kids on there.
I'm looking at the kids.
That was excuse.
I don't got time to dance.
I'm tired of the kids.
I'm a pedophile.
I can't pedophile and dance at the same time.
That's crazy.
That's all I'm saying.
Okay, why were y'all scared to do the TikTok challenge with the dance?
Sudden, you were just calling herself.
Why were you scared?
Stop being so stupid for me.
Why were you scared?
And now you're on TikTok, son.
Come on.
I look at that.
We ain't going nowhere.
We can't be stopped now.
Bad boy for love.
TikTok for life.
Let's go.
Y'all can't fuck with me, bro.
They need to open out some of them.
What you giggling about over there, Akash?
Stop being scared and put your fucking dance moves on the line.
You know how much Akash loves dancing?
First night I took him out to meet my friends.
He went to the corner of the fucking bar and was practicing a doggie by himself.
I had to say that.
And I explained that shit.
I'm not going to get a duggie later.
I had to play that shit.
Oh, my God.
Yo, y'all.
Why are you doing the bar?
You don't say no?
Yo, son.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
We got to stop this whole story.
She's a loser, bro.
Oh, my God.
She's a fucking loser.
Akash, you got to answer for that.
Son, don't worry about that.
I just thought he was the biggest loser for doing this fucking dance.
I'll answer for it.
You just learned how to dug you right now.
Listen.
Who taught?
You got to dug you.
Oh, now you a dance master?
Now you a dance master, but you can't do one TikTok dance with your girl?
I'm not doing no fucking challenge.
That's what I'm talking about.
Because you know you're going to lose because you'll know these y'all going to get bodied by people with better rhythm.
That's really what it comes down to.
Oh, my God.
It's really what it comes down to.
It's really what it comes down to.
They got to open up my business.
Can we go back to this the Hokey Pokey 2.0?
Son, I'll do the Hokey Pokey and I'll turn it over.
You turn yourself on.
I'll do the fucking Hokey Pokey and I'll turn myself over.
Hey, hey, hey, bro.
Hey, bro.
Hey, bro.
Pick a dance.
Any dance.
Hey, bro.
Pick a dance at a time.
Dougie.
Do you want a doggy battle?
Do you want a double battle?
Do you want a doggy battle?
I'm saying who talks to your ducky.
Do you want a duggy?
I'm going to be honest, my hip hurts a little bit.
I'm talking yesterday.
Oh!
Coping, please.
I'm in here.
Oh, the oldest plea ever, bro.
My hip.
Oh, come on.
I told him this in the car.
You falling.
You couldn't get up.
No, he said it's embarrassing.
I ran three miles in my car.
Ain't nobody care about your battle.
Ain't nobody care about your shit.
I told him this in the car.
Ain't nobody care about your shit right now.
I did tell you in the car.
Hey, you didn't tell me nothing in the car.
Oh, no, she's like, oh, damn.
She's damned.
Why are you making this shit up, son?
Why are you making this shit?
Why are you making like a shit?
That's because your girl also hurt her hip.
Did she all hurt that?
Come on, son.
My hip killing me.
Y'all got nothing to do with the house.
And a challenge was presented to you and you bowed out.
Son, how was that ride?
Was it just like an hour of Akash saying how right his girl was?
So did he do that on camera all the time, bro?
I don't care.
Oh, my God.
God, son.
Wait, can we talk about this?
Can we talk about the worst story you ever told in your fucking life?
Hang Out With Regulars00:03:28
Holy shit.
This shit was sad.
I mean, you get hated if you're late.
Stop.
I'm not even going to tell the story.
We're not going to get no detail.
We're not going to get no detail.
Akash had the four of us here in a safe space.
Yeah.
It was a safe space.
And Akash trying to tell a story about how right his girl was.
It's the only place I could say it.
I can't say it to her.
You do say it to her.
Nah, bro.
Son.
I got to hold on to this shit.
I got to hold on to it.
This shit baffled my mind.
He was like, yeah, my girl actually made this great point.
And I was like, huh.
And then I look over at Al.
I'm looking at me.
And Al's going, I don't know what's going on.
We're looking over at Mark.
Mark's putting Ben Gay on his back.
We know that everybody's losing their shit, right?
And then Akash finished a fucking story about how right his girl was.
Oh, my God.
I was baffled, son.
My girlman.
And then I immediately started looking at Al.
Son, what is going on?
You need to look at some conspiracy.
That's the conspiracy.
Bro, why'd you have to tell the story, bro?
Exactly.
I had to get out of the door.
You got to get your story what you did with the dance move.
Just in the corner alone.
It would have been fun.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah, we got off that story.
So I should call Jamil to see if he remembers this shit.
So I go, Akash, you want to hang out with regular people?
Because when you hang out with comics too much, it just warps your sense of reality a lot.
You know what I mean?
Oh, yeah.
It does.
You need to hang out with some regular people every once in a while to just remember shit.
Regular people don't do this when you say something funny, hysterical.
This was like hanging around with comics, right?
You say a joke and they go, hilarious.
That's funny.
You say anything to be like, yeah, nah, I had a thought about that.
I had a bit, actually, it was just like that.
That's all it is.
So you need to just go hang out with regular people, right?
I take Akash, come hang out with me and my regular people, right?
We go to this bar, Lower East Side.
You remember it?
I remember.
I remember I learned how to Dougie, right?
I remember that bar.
Mercury Bar.
Mercury Bar.
Mercury Lounge.
Mercury Bar is a landmark day for me.
Right?
We're hanging out at Mercury Lounge, right?
Akash.
We're more in the bar than the lounge, to be honest with you.
Yeah, whatever.
It was more in the bar area.
It was more than the bar area.
Now, I go to get a...
Where's Jameel and all them?
There's a pool table.
I don't know.
I'm in the corner.
Akash just went to the corner.
Oh, my God.
I go over to Jamil.
I go, yeah, what up, blah, blah, blah.
No, I brought my boy Akash over here.
No, he's cool.
No, no.
I'm telling you, this kid's cool.
He's funny, man.
He's fucking regular.
Like, he's not like these weirdo-ass comics that you just can't have them come hang out everywhere anytime.
Like, he's not one of those dudes who just fucking embarrass you or like socially awkward, you know, and just being a complete weirdo, clammy-ass hands and shit, anything like that.
This guy's actually normal.
Jamil's like, where's he at?
I go, I go, I don't know.
I don't know where that motherfucker is.
We just take a couple sips of beer, and then Jamil nudges me.
He goes, yo, look at these fucking losers in the corner.
I go, what?
He goes, there's some fucking weirdo that's doing the Dougie by himself in the corner of the bar.
Hey.
Jamil's Normal Social Story00:06:38
I said, I was like, wait, then you got it.
It's a shoulder move.
Wait, but are you like watching a YouTube video while you're doing it?
No, I'm just trying to figure it out.
You just try to figure it out by yourself.
He was practicing like he was having his voice.
Son, the song wasn't even.
There don't need to be music for me to figure out a dance move.
Yes, dear.
Son, the song wasn't even.
The lyrics of the song were literally teach me how to do it.
Like, you could have just.
But they don't give the steps like you think they would.
Son.
You think they'd be like, teach me how to Dougie.
And then the next verse, he'll be like, well, it's all about the shoulder rotation, really.
It's a fluid body movement that you have to really be aware of.
It's not like I thought it was.
I was disappointed in the song's lyrics.
He needed a Drake version of the Dougie.
Right?
Yo, he didn't teach me how to Tootsie.
You know what I mean?
And can I be honest with you?
His shit was so trash, I actually had to give him some advice on how to do the Dougie right.
Oh, shit.
His shit was so bad.
I came over.
I was like, yo, yo, I swear to God, I'd kill you right now.
I said, I said, look.
Now we're slandering.
Now we're slandering.
I said, look, here's the thing you're doing wrong.
You got to think of it like a scoop.
Like you're scooping and then you scoop and then you scoop.
And then when I taught him the scoop, he actually started to put that shit together.
Wow.
Yeah.
Y'all seen the video of me at the fucking finals party?
You built that shit.
It's a video of me somewhere at the flagrant finals party.
Oh, yeah, I remember you.
Why couldn't you do the TikTok?
TikTok.
Why couldn't you do the TikTok?
That shit is just kicking feet, yo.
Say what?
That shit is just kicking feet.
Son, that shit was mad difficult.
The one that I did that I showed you guys, you guys got scared with.
Don't do that again, please.
Yo, son.
It's the upgraded fucking house party.
It's nothing but an upgraded house party.
It's difficult, son.
I'm telling you, y'all can't do it.
It's the first time, like, I face palmed and just like, no, this is not.
Because you were scared.
You and your girl not doing nothing.
You and your girl not doing nothing.
I'm trying to give you guys some fucking activities to do.
Just fuck again with this competition.
I can't fuck anymore.
I can't even.
I got a bad hip.
I can't even.
When's the last time you fucked?
Last week.
Exactly.
When was the last time you fucked?
Two days ago.
I think I'm at two days.
My girl already asking again.
I'm like, it's too much.
You treat fucking like a fucking cold case file.
You're like, ah, first 48 hours.
It's already done.
Dude, for real, man.
Yo, what was that Francis Ellis tweet about quarantine?
Oh, so it's one of the funniest tweets I've ever read.
Let me see if I can find it.
Fuck all good.
Oh, man.
I still can't get it over this motherfucker.
Dude, it dug it in the corner.
The first night he meets my father.
How long ago was this?
How long ago?
Hey, again?
How long ago was this?
I don't know.
How long I've known him?
10 years or something like that?
Decade.
A decade ago?
Did I know you 10 years?
Something like that.
I think over 10 years.
Unbelievable.
You're not watching nothing.
Unbelievable.
There's no music.
No, this music is just not the Dougie.
He's by himself, Douglas.
You see people doing it.
Everybody's just looking at it.
What's going on with this?
He's like a full target.
He's right next to a pool table.
Motherfuckers are walking up to him.
I'm like, yo, did you have next?
He's like, no, I'm just dancing.
No, you guys just, you know, you guys got your spaces.
Bro, unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
How do I describe this to my friends?
You know, it was eight ball corner pocket.
My motherfucking Dougie, though.
Tell you what.
And she was eight ball corner pocket.
What else are we talking about?
Motherfuckers need to start.
Just go.
Yo, you want to read this Francis tweet?
Your delivery on it when you read it to me is very funny.
Yo, Francis Ellis with a fucking great tweet.
The discrepancy between how much sex I thought we would have and how much we're actually having reminds me of a Christmas where I told my grandma I wanted a Lego Millennium Falcon and she died instead.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah, no, why you jealous, yo?
So, yo, why are you mad jealous?
Yo, type in nobody.
Type in those angry.
That was a real comic-ass way to look at everybody's name.
Now, that's funny.
That's funny.
I mean, yeah, I've had a bit about that.
Yeah, before Corona, we're in another quarantine.
I thought, you know, it'd be just like yo, comics are some haters, bro.
Yo, why are we haters, bro?
Mark, why you be mad with other people funny, though?
Bro, I'm not, bro.
Francis, I mean, I did have a thing like that, though.
It wasn't Millennium Falcon.
It was a different Lego set, but it was like basically what fucking soccer Lego is doing.
There's a Federal Reserve, dude.
There's a Lego Federal Reserve.
Oh, my God.
And that was my tweet.
Oh, shit.
Can I tell you a story about this bitch?
Nope.
No, no, no.
Not my girl.
This random bitch.
Yeah.
I thought you were about to tell us another story about your girl being right.
No, this random bitch.
I'm at Trader Joe's on the grocery.
Yeah, yeah.
And you trying to bag bitches in Trader Joe's, son?
Oh, talk about it.
Talk about it.
See you out here getting that fucking pandemic pussy.
We out here at Trader Joe's, right?
Stealing with these middle-aged hoes, right?
Yay.
And Trader Joe's only a certain number of people in the store.
That's your ball slapping against that white puss.
Yeah.
That's why they call it Trader Joe's, bro.
You gotta try to trade that shit in.
It ain't loyal Joe's.
T-R-A-I-T-O-R.
Yeah.
So you guys.
Say that, Francis.
You guys stand six feet.
You guys stand six feet apart outside of the store.
Yo, we don't care.
It's already bothers me, yo.
It's already bothering me emotionally.
Yo, yo, we are fucking on one, baby.
Last few episodes.
Shut the fuck up.
Let me tell you a fucking story, yo.
Okay, go.
Tell your stupid ass story, bro.
So we standing six feet apart, right?
This old bitch.
Yo.
Bro, you really getting Jimmy Fox.
Look at his little stupid hip.
Look at his stupid ass hip.
Look at his stupid ass hip when he's watching.
Fucking idiot.
Stupid ass hip.
Fucking Jamie Foxx over here, bro.
This is your conscience.
All right, that guy.
You can't recover.
All right, go, go, go.
Who else can't recover that old bitch in the story?
She fucking dead with the COVID bitch.
All right, go, Furlough though, go.
We do want to hear the end of the story.
Push Start That Stupid Hip00:01:09
I honestly am not sitting up.
And I'm actually interested to hear the story.
Yeah, go.
Both of y'all.
We don't hear both of y'all.
I hate both of y'all.
I hate both of y'all.
I mean, it's a story where you're not thanking your girl.
So it's like, I got a way to part.
It's like, no, I just want to hear it.
I want to tell the thanking my girl story.
I ain't Wendy.
No, we're going to hear Trader Joe's story.
Come on, son.
Let's go.
All right.
I wish you had a dot in your forehead so I could push start this fucking story.
Hey, hey, you know what?
Maybe the battery's dead.
Maybe the battery dead.
No, go, go.
Maybe I need a new alternator.
Go, Come on.
Come on.
I'm standing in line.
This old bitch keeps creeping up behind me like it's mad close, like a foot at this point.
So I'm like, this is an old bitch.
And you just walked out.
Yo, what's up?
This is Akash.
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