Andrew Schulz and Akaash Singh discuss the coronavirus crisis, criticizing Elon Musk and Neil deGrasse Tyson for inaction while speculating on Bill Gates' malaria-focused philanthropy. They contrast Iran's social habits with China's authoritarian quarantine measures and predict traditional college will vanish due to superior online learning, devaluing humanities degrees. The hosts urge Netflix to release a Michael Jordan documentary early, critique Donald Trump's leadership during crises, and challenge listeners to learn daily skills like cooking chopsticks to maintain mental health. Ultimately, the episode suggests that global health emergencies will permanently reshape education, dining, and political expectations. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Billionaires Saving Lives00:15:13
What up people?
We're back.
Another emergency pod.
I got some bad news.
Unfortunately, we got to start with some bad news.
I am rescheduling all...
I don't have it.
I know.
That's probably what people thought when I said I got some.
Oh, yeah.
No, I don't have it.
But I'm rescheduling all my stand-up shows for March and April.
And that includes the special taping in L.A. We'll give you new dates for all those things.
It's just the right thing to do.
The biggest issue with the spread of this virus is when you have people coming together and possibly transmitting it to each other just by being around each other.
So we want to limit the big crowds.
And I got to do my part.
If I'm telling everybody else to do it, I got to do it.
So that's going to happen.
So March and April, they'll all be rescheduled.
We'll give you that at a later date.
And then most likely May as well, we're going to assess in April and basically see what happens.
So that is a little shitty news to start it with.
But that's just what we got to do.
Everybody's doing our part, at least the smart people.
Matter of fact, yeah, you know what I'm curious about?
Where are all the Twitter nerds at, right?
Like all the Twitter know-it-alls?
Where are you guys at?
Twitter been on fire.
No, the Twitter know-it-alls.
For example, Elon Musk.
Where are you at, Elon Musk?
Elon Musk got all the answers to everything.
You still digging fucking holes in the ground, asshole?
We don't need holes in the fucking ground.
Okay?
We don't need...
He's trying to fix traffic in L.A. You know what's going to fix traffic in L.A.?
If everyone's dead, no traffic.
Okay?
If literally everybody gets this coronavirus and then 10% are knocked out, no more traffic in L.A. holes fixed.
You don't got to go into the grounds.
What were you saying now?
I said maybe that's what he's trying to do because he tweeted out at the beginning of this, like, it's not that serious.
Yeah.
He was salty because now he don't need his little boring company fixed.
Now his boring company is not going to solve no problems.
Yeah, that's what it is.
All I'm saying is you've got these guys that like, and don't get me wrong, I know Elon Musk is doing a lot of great stuff and, you know, the electric cars, Alex drives the Tesco, that kind of stuff.
But like, there are these guys who are like condescending on Twitter, right?
And they just say how stupid shit is and they're like smarter than everybody.
Like Neil deGrasse Tyson is another one of these people who's just like non-stop, has to tell you how stupid things are all the time.
Do something now, nerd.
If you're so smart, nerd, put your smarts to use, nerd.
Like this is the time where like dorks and nerds that are condescending all the time on social media, they got to put their money where their mouth is.
We need the nerds and we need the billionaires to actually do something.
Because it's easy when times are good to tell people how stupid they're being.
But now we need the smart people to do, right?
It's easy to make fun of the dummies when everybody's living large.
But now when stuff is shitty, where you at, Neil deGrasse Tyson?
Don't just step down from your board seat at a weird time and not say anything about it.
Oh, you're talking about Gates?
Yeah.
Yeah, there is a little conspiracy theory going on that everybody's stepping down from their all these CEOs in the last few months have like stepped down from their positions.
And I reached out to my benefit my boy Ben Uyeda, you know, Ben who designed the studio.
And he broke that gates shit down.
So basically Bill Gates stepped down from Microsoft and Bob Iger stepped down from Disney and a bunch of other CEOs stepped down as well all in the last few months.
So I'm like, do they know what's coming?
You know how like animals know a hurricane's coming first?
Yeah.
So they start like fleeing into the woods.
You know what I'm talking about?
You think all these motherfuckers got on a spaceship to Mars?
I don't think they own a spaceship to Mars because Mars ain't nice enough yet, but Bill Gates did buy a yacht.
He built, I mean, he bought like a $300 million yacht.
Perfect timing.
Oh, son, they're fleeing, bro.
Like, you know, they say this.
They're like, when a tsunami's coming, at first, the water goes way out into the ocean.
Right?
At first, the tide exposes itself.
And animals see the tide expose itself, and they're like, oh, that got to come back eventually.
So they're out.
Yeah, yeah.
Right?
Humans don't see it.
We see the tide expose itself.
We're like, yo, it's low today.
I'm going to go for a swim.
I ain't seen it this low.
So billionaires are on that shit.
Apparently, all the billionaires are going out to Martha's Vineyard now.
Martha's Vineyard is this little island off of New England.
And the Obama's got a house out there.
Everybody, but apparently they're all going out there.
They usually go out there in July.
It's fucking March.
But they're like, yeah, we're not dealing with these poor people.
We'll go quarantine ourselves with the other riches.
But yeah, that's what they're saying about Bill Gates and who else?
And Bob Iger.
So I was like, what's really going on?
Do they know some shit's popping?
And then Ben basically said to me, he's like, Iger wants to run for president in 2024.
So he's just trying to work his whole shit out with that, which is fine.
I respect that.
And then he said about Gates, which is really interesting.
He's like, Gates is trying to be one of the five greatest people who's ever lived.
Okay.
And what he's trying to do is, and this is how Ben put it, it was so brilliant, is moneyball saving lives.
Okay.
So you know how moneyball is used in sports?
Like, you know, the Oakland Athletics used it, and then also the Boston Red Sox used it in different teams.
They basically try to get the players that have the most utility for the cheapest amount of money.
So Gates is trying to save the most lives for the least amount of money.
Okay.
So Gates literally turned down AIDS.
So he's looking to cure diseases, right?
Yeah.
So he's like, okay, AIDS, can I save the most amount of people in the cheapest possible way?
He goes, nah, malaria is better.
And then he just went out there and bodied malaria.
And don't think that's a bad thing.
It's actually a good thing because if he's going to spend the same amount of money, let's say he's going to spend a billion dollars, you'd rather save more lives for the billion.
It's a good thing.
So he's basically trying to make himself a saint.
And who knows why?
Maybe he felt guilty about the way that he made his billions.
So he wants to make up for it by saving lives.
Who fucking knows?
Right?
I mean, in order to be a billionaire, you got to be pretty ruthless to get there.
All I'm saying is, now is the time for the billionaires to show up.
Billionaires love to talk about all their philanthropy, right?
All these guys love to talk about, hey, you know, yeah, we don't pay a lot of money in taxes, but we give so much of our money away.
Now we need it.
Now we need Purel, Jeff Bezos.
Where's the Purel?
You know what I'm saying?
You gave us same-day shipping back in the day when we were ordering flip-flops.
We need Purel.
We need Lysol wipes.
Where are you at?
They want to talk about how we're going to save the environment.
We're not going to need an environment if everybody's dead.
Not saying everybody's going to be dead.
Don't freak out.
But we need shit now.
So what's going on now?
Right?
I want the billionaires to step the fuck up.
Put that goofy bitch, Elizabeth Warren, in her place.
Now you have the opportunity to show how stupid these people are who always criticize billionaires.
Warren Buffett, mad quiet.
I haven't heard a single thing from Warren Buffett.
You think they're taking a hit, hitting in the market?
I think they're taking a huge bath in the market, 100%, right?
But at the end of the day, everybody is.
So it's relative, right?
It's not like all of a sudden poor people become rich and rich people become poor.
It's like the money's coming down for everybody.
So everybody's equivalently poor, except for Target and Walmart, who are just selling paper, towels, and toilet paper out there.
Charmin, whoever invested in Charmin two months ago, whoever wiped their ass with that Charmin soft and they're like, this is a great company.
I need to buy in.
Whoever did that a couple months ago, you're a fucking genius, okay?
Not me.
I'm getting a bidet.
But that's what I want to see.
I want to see some billionaire step it up and I want to see some nerds step it up.
We got another famous person with some Corona.
Stringer Bell, bro.
Word?
Stringer Bell.
If y'all don't watch The Wire, first of all, get your life together.
But yeah, Idris Elva got the motherfucking Rona, dog.
Not the Rona.
Where's he at?
Do you know where he was?
I think he's in England with some fine bitch.
He did some video.
No disrespect, Idris, if that's your daughter, but.
Shit.
Yo, because I don't know.
We just got some fine ass black chick.
I might be Lauren Harvey.
Shorty did not see a future with future.
Jumped over to Idris.
Now she got the Rona too.
Damn, that's crazy.
But that's really, that's really what's going to take.
It's going to take a famous person dying for people to take it serious.
I still got people in my DMs and tweets.
I'm sure you're getting the same thing too.
It ain't that serious.
Only 50 people die.
This, that, the other.
It's like, y'all don't get it, do you?
Fucking dummies.
Isn't it?
Just look at Italy, bro.
Just look at Italy.
Italy got 28,000 cases, 2,100 deaths.
As we say this right now, it's going to go up even more by the time this comes out.
But that's 8%.
We're on the same pace as Italy.
So imagine 8% of the people that get it die.
8%, B?
That's crazy.
That's a lot, bro.
That's a lot.
That's a lot of goodbye, grandma, grandpa.
If y'all don't stop fucking going to these pub crawls, retards.
Some we had to have a talk with Eden, his retarded ass, DJing.
We got to give Eden tart of the day.
We got to have a tart of the day on these emergency quarantine pods because Eden was DJing, and we literally hit him on a group text: yo, son, stop DJing.
What are you fucking doing?
He goes, I'm staying away from everybody.
I got a DJ booth.
If you don't fucking listen back to what your retarded ass said, I got a DJ booth.
Like some drunk white bitch ain't gonna walk right up to that DJ booth and spit all over you as she requests pour some sugar on me.
I hope she pours some Rona on you, you fucking turkey.
What the hell were you doing, DJing?
The turkey is gonna fly away, so son, they can't fly.
Oh, she's gonna gobble gobble his ass over here and infect the rest of us.
Nah, but now he's forced.
He can't DJ anymore.
Son, that's right.
That's uh news that we all predicted, but y'all knew this was gonna happen.
All bars, restaurants, clubs, theaters, any group gathering of over 50 people is shut down around the country for two months.
Okay, so that's big news that isn't big news if y'all been watching these because we told you this is exactly what was gonna happen.
That's the first step before they lock us up and quarantine us officially because it's fucking people up.
Son, some places getting fucked up, and I got no clue how they're getting fucked up.
Like Iran is fucked.
Don't they got a lot of handholding, you said?
Son, it's not the handholding.
These bitches covered up fully.
They got garbage bags over them.
They're walking around literally Pac-Man ghosts.
And somehow they have the second most cases of Corona.
Yeah.
So I don't know if Corona lives in eyebrows or some shit.
I don't know how that shit gets transferred, but they need to figure something out.
Y'all need to thread those bushy ass eyebrows because I think the corona is just getting stored in there and it's sliding down that little face slot you got.
Maybe the mosque and all that type of shit.
Well, that's the thing that I was thinking about.
They pray really close together and shit.
Yo, Muslim culture is so community-based.
Like you go to any of these Muslim countries, it's like everything is in the mosque.
Listen, you're praying five times a day.
You're praying together.
Oftentimes, a lot of people, like, there's no social distancing in Muslim culture unless you're gay.
And then they distance your ass off a fucking roof of a building.
Come on, y'all.
We can't be serious all the time.
Social distancing?
Real talk.
But I'm concerned if it enters the Muslim countries, man.
Because these people are, they're so close.
There's so much love in those cultures and there's so much togetherness in those cultures.
And that's what they do.
They spend time together, man.
They're smoking that hookah.
And they think that little sharing, that little plastic hookah piece is going to get them.
Dominicans, I'm talking to you, too.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
You know, that's the dumbest shit because we take our hands and take it on and off.
I used to look at that shit.
I was like, yo, fuck it.
Just give me whoever was the previous person smoking.
I don't give a fuck.
It ain't doing nothing.
Remember in high school, we would all do like hookah at high school.
Never once we would do this.
We would take it from someone and then just wipe the top two times with your fucking hand.
That's been sitting on these hookah couch pillows that have never been washed the entire time the hookah place been on makes us feel better for that, but we just take it right there and put our mouth right back on it.
How do we not of aids, all of us.
How do we not all have mono?
We did, I ain't all white people got.
That's a white people disease.
Oh yeah, from keg stands, and yeah, that's how white people get it.
Y'all don't do keg stands.
Y'all looking like nah just pouring a cup yeah, but we got no deep.
Throwing a keg upside down, bro.
White people's a wild motherfuckers, bro.
We really are anyway.
Um yeah, so Iran gotta get that taken care of.
Literally the only country that's apparently doing well is China.
That's what you were telling me yeah, and that's what i've been reading too, and you know what it is.
Dictatorships thrive when the going gets rough, because they can just tell people what to do, and they do it.
Chinese people are obedient as fuck.
Okay, I think it's because back in the day remember, that lady was standing in front of the tanks and the tanks just ran that bitch right over in the middle of the street.
Yeah, they don't give a fuck.
After that day, Chinese people are like, all right, let's, just do what they say.
Like I think they mean it.
Yeah, Chinese people saw one old bitch get run over there like nah, now we just gonna do what they say, for what is Mao talking about?
So I think the best thing that they're doing over there is that, being Chinese yeah, but every single place you go, you're getting a screen.
So, like every building you walk into, they're taking your temperature.
They're asking you if you have um, any symptoms, and then they have different locations.
If you are pre-symptomatic, if you have symptoms or minor symptoms, if you have like severe symptoms there, everybody has to go to a separate spot.
So instead of it's like the opposite of what they're telling us here, they're telling us here to uh, quarantine ourselves in our house yeah, but then you infect your family and now your whole family got the shit, exactly that's.
They're taking you out your house.
They're separating parents and kids over there.
Oh yeah, you're doing parents.
Yeah yo, literally.
Trump was ahead of his time.
Bro, get away, i'm not.
You can't big about that.
All because he's fumbling the bag right now.
He's doing an absolutely awful job.
We'll get to that in a second.
But like that, what if that was his excuse for the border with the Mexicans?
We're like listen, it was called coronavirus.
We thought it was coming from Mexico.
We just wanted to separate the kids from the parents because we didn't want the parents to die.
We're doing what we thought was best, so we're trying to save some lives, trying to save some lives from these coronas coming over.
But uh no, you're right, China's China did it right.
Um, I was reading A little thing about how they handle shit in China.
They basically do a temperature test anytime you leave your community, and your community is your little cluster of houses or apartment building, et cetera.
College Prediction Model00:07:22
And if your temperature is high, you gotta go.
You go to these testing facilities, and the testing facilities have multiple different types of tests.
They have this mobile CAT scan that can do way more scans of your lungs than our CAT scans do here.
So it's like they're basically going through patients every four hours instead of our 24-hour service.
And they know about it because they had SARS and they had all these other diseases because every fucking disease comes from China because y'all can't not sell penguin in the goddamn market.
Y'all literally, China, you realize every disease comes with you because of these wet markets.
Stop selling weird animals.
Stop going to the zoo and going, oh, that looks delicious.
And then trying to eat it later that night.
Okay.
Just let certain animals be in the wild.
Y'all don't got to eat jellyfish.
You don't have to eat everything.
Just leave it the fuck be, and then the whole world won't die.
It's very simple.
Son, they just looking for a new food source, man.
It's too many of them.
Eat yourselves.
You got clearly that one child policy, have a second one.
Cook that shit up.
Okay?
Cook that shit up for dinner.
All right.
Joe Rogan said elk is good for you.
You don't think Chinese is good for you, too?
Strong people.
They're strong people.
You never seen a Chinese person's calves?
That's the first thing we eat in if the coronavirus takes over.
We're going right down to Chinatown.
We're chopping off legs, bro.
They got some strong fucking legs.
That's a nice drumstick right there.
Nice drumstick.
I'll tell you whose legs we're not eating them fucking Ethiopians.
They got the skinniest legs I ever seen, bro.
That's all bone and joint.
So if we go down to cannibalism, my legs are good.
So nobody wants good, but nobody wants to do that.
Titty meat, duck, and then biceps.
Yeah, Alex media biceps and some titty meat.
That's like the big turkey shit you get at the fair.
Son, Alex's arms look like Renaissance fair turkey legs, bro.
Fuck Eden.
We eat Alex.
We going for you first.
Keep doing them curls.
See what happens.
Keep the curls for the girls?
Nah.
Curls for the rest of us.
We taking you out.
Real talk.
But yeah, the China thing, they know how to do it.
And literally, that's what we're going towards.
And every prediction that we've had here on the podcast so far has been right.
Literally every single prediction.
So we're going to do this like don't go to bars and shit thing for a little while and then that's not going to work.
And then we're going to go to complete shutdown.
And right now they're doing curfew, which is so stupid because it's not like you can't get corona after nine.
It's not like corona works like fucking gremlins.
Hey, don't feed people after 12.
You might get corona.
It's going to happen no matter what.
But they're at least going, I guess, what is the term?
Poquapoco, little by little.
Yeah, like a gradual.
There's a gradual shutdown.
But eventually we're going to go to the shutdown.
That's what it is.
Things are going to change.
I think all schools got shut down.
You saw that?
Oh, yeah.
Yo, here's something interesting that's going to happen.
Innovation always happens in times like this because you're forced to innovate.
Like, it's hard to innovate when you don't have to.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
But then when you actually have to do something, innovation comes.
This is my prediction from Corona.
College is done.
I think college is done in the way that we see it, right?
Because you know what we do?
It's really funny.
Like, we got all these jokes about online school.
Like, oh, you went to online college?
Oh, you went to online school?
Oh, wow.
That's stupid.
You went to suit.
You know how we learn 99% of shit now?
Go, say it.
All right.
All live.
Say it now.
Our live besides.
Where did you learn how to be a videographer?
All right.
I did it learning.
Literally, you have a job.
You know what they say now with stand-up comedy, right?
They say if you're putting out clips, you're doing a thing.
You're doing a Schultz model, right?
And then you know what they say?
In order to do a Schultz model, you need an Alex media.
So the model and then the person that's shooting and delivering have their own names now.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
So you learned all this not in school from YouTube videos.
So here's the thing.
College costs $50,000 a year for nothing, right?
What they're going to do is they're going to tell kids to go and take their classes online.
And then we're going to realize, holy shit, I was paying $50,000 to just sit in a red brick building that looks fancy and it's got some like pictures of old white dudes with the powder wigs on the walls when I could learn the exact same shit from home.
Oh, wait a minute.
So I don't actually need to go to school.
The only reason I go to school is so I can, you know, get drunk with my friends on the weekends.
Where else are you going to do the cake stance?
Boom.
Now, here's the thing.
What's going to be exposed is all we're doing at school, college, is really partying.
It's spring break, but you actually learn a little bit about like women's rights or something, right?
Yeah.
Once that's exposed, people are going to go, oh, shit, I can learn all this same information from home at a fraction of the cost.
And now I don't have this immense debt for this degree that does nothing to pay it back.
I swear to God, my prediction is college is done in the way we know it.
It will be all online classes and it will be 10 times cheaper.
And then when it's cheaper, do you know what we could do?
Maybe get the government to assist paying for it.
You don't need all this land.
Look how much land UCLA takes up.
For what?
You've been right.
So it's hard to like be like, nah.
Yeah.
But I took a couple of online classes and it's like, you just cheat.
Like you just cheat and look at the college.
Oh, you ain't cheating in college?
Yeah, but you can't cheat as blatantly.
Like you still, you got to learn some shit.
Remember when they said you could have one note card in college?
Yeah.
Oh, that's fine.
I'm looking at this teacher like, you sucker.
That's fine.
You think I can't write small sucker?
You think I can't do that?
Sucker?
Dummy?
I'll sound like Elon Musk and Neil deGrasse Tyson when I was looking at those teachers.
Stupid.
All I'm saying is it will be exposed how useless college is.
I think for certain trades, like the trade schools, like things like RI.
That you actually need to be in there and do.
Yeah.
So that's a great point.
Okay, let me take that back.
If you want to be a doctor, you still got to be in there.
If you want to be a women's rights major, you don't got to be there.
You want to be a history major, you don't got to be there.
You literally go in a class and then they say, hey, read this book.
And you're like, motherfucker, I think I could have just got the book at the library.
Yeah.
Like, so that I agree with.
That I agree with.
Boom.
So, but really, what's happening right now is all those like women's studies majors and history majors and English majors are paying for the education of the engineers.
Right?
Because the engineers got to go to labs.
It doesn't cost anything to educate an English major.
It costs tons to educate an engineer.
So I think what happens is, and I think there's a good thing, the engineering degrees and like doctor degrees are going to go up in price.
And then the English major and all those degrees are going to go way down in price.
And you know what?
You should pay more if you're going to make more afterwards.
And you should pay less if you're going to make less.
That's a good fucking point.
But we weren't forced into this situation to show how meaningless it is.
Like if you miss any school at all as an English major during this time, you're a fucking retard.
Like literally just keep reading the shit and your teacher is going to go, hey, you should read that.
And then you're going to go lecture.
It's not like we could ask questions and lecture anyway.
I remember being in these 600-seat lecture halls and like someone asks a question and you literally hear someone in the background go, put your hand down.
Early Netflix Drop00:06:05
We're trying to get through this, bro.
We got keg stands to do and model to share.
I think college is legit going to change forever and so is fast food.
Fast food is going to be no more delivery.
It's going to be delivery service and pickup.
I don't think there's going to be any more seats in the location because right now McDonald's is really just for homeless people to sit down in so they could be warm, right?
What about the ball pit, though?
I used to have mad fun in the ball pits.
If there's one thing, Corona is going to kill first.
That's true.
That's a Corona pit.
That is a Corona pit.
That's a motherfucking Corona pitch.
Let's be honest.
You're going to send your kid in a motherfucking ball kit.
These little kids have been drooling in.
There's Corona all over those balls.
Just light that whole playpen on fire.
Most people don't want to be seen in a fucking Taco Bell, right?
Most people don't want to be seen in a McDonald's.
Okay?
Being seen by your friends.
In a McDonald's, it's like being seen in Planned Parenthood.
Come on, son.
It's not that bad.
It literally.
Nah, you're talking like an elitist now.
Stop it.
I'm being serious.
I'm not saying you can't get salads and shit from McDonald's.
Ain't nobody getting salad for McDonald's, bro.
You and McDonald's with a stomachache just like you had Planned Parenthood.
Motherfucker stomps.
It's literally the same thing you see when you see somebody.
Like, how you doing?
Be like, my stomach don't feel that way.
I'm about to empty this out.
So, but for real, I think what they turn into is just to-go places.
And I think they get much smaller in terms of the space they use.
And I think they use way less staff.
And I think you just take your shit and go because nobody's really staying in there.
You just got homeless people in there just hanging out.
Or you got kids that are like looking for a place to hang out to do mischief.
Ball pit.
They need a Purel pit.
Just dunk your fucking kid in.
Achilles.
Just grab him by his ankle and just dunk him in.
All right.
You play?
Come back.
He come out like he looked like he was just born in the Matrix.
Literally, that's how cats are going to be with this Purel once the corona really hits.
We're just going to swan dive in there.
That's a good little skin.
We should stick with us as well.
We literally should.
That full quarantine.
Now, fast food's done, man.
Fast food's done.
You know what we got to do, though?
This is big.
Netflix, you got to do the right thing.
Netflix, you got to do the right fucking thing.
I mean this.
Do the right thing and release that Jordan documentary, yo.
Wait, so it's Netflix?
I thought it's ESPN doc.
I think ESPN did it, and I think they put it on Netflix.
Oh.
Which is weird because ESPN is owned by Disney.
So you would think it would go on Disney Plus.
Wherever the fuck it is, maybe it's on Disney Plus.
But I think it's on Netflix.
Release that fucking documentary.
We need the morale boost right now.
All right.
Matter of fact, part of it is going to be about a guy with the flu triumphing over that.
Word.
Right?
And right now we could use that as inspiration.
We could see my man Jordan get knocked down with that flu, but then come back and drop what he drop on him in the flu game.
No, I don't remember.
Neither do I.
It doesn't matter.
He won the game.
Won the game.
He's victorious.
That's what we need.
We need victory.
We need that shit.
For real.
So they're not dropping it because it's not done, but they can.
I'm pretty sure they got some.
I'm sure they got some episodes.
It's done, bro.
Nah, it can't be done.
They pushed that shit back six months.
It was supposed to be done.
They waiting for Doron.
They were waiting for the Rona.
But I'll actually consider giving them a Netflix special in the future.
Not this one, but in the future if they drop that early for the people.
You got to do this for the people.
Listen.
You got to do it for me.
I'm going to bid Netflix.
Real talk, man.
Give the people something to look forward to.
Give us something to be distracted with.
Give us something to infuriate our girlfriends.
They're so happy that sports ain't on right now, son.
They thought.
They thought.
Yo, real talk.
This is the perfect virus for your girlfriend.
Because there's no sports on TV, so they got to watch One Tree Hill with you.
You know what I mean?
They got to watch their dumb shit.
My girl coming up with new shows to watch every single week.
Just nonsense.
Yeah, both out here drooling over elves and shit.
I'm not going to lie.
I'm not going to lie.
That legoless.
Son, get out of here.
Bro, that legoless?
What does a lust mean?
Spread?
Because that's what I want to do with my legs.
That's what I want to do.
Hit me with an arrow where the sun don't shine, Legolas.
The spreader of legs.
Real talk, man.
I think if they dropped that, that would be huge.
And I think it'd be really cool if companies started dropping specials early.
I wish we got a chance to film the special man because I would drop it early.
I would legit drop it early.
I'd talk to the company that we did it for, and I would drop it early for y'all, man.
We would work overnight to edit that shit and just get it out.
I mean, unfortunately, it didn't happen, but that's something we would do for the people.
But I mean, that's something that we're doing right now.
You know, a lot of people have been reaching out to us.
I'm sure you get DMs all the time just about gratitude for what we're doing.
But it's like, that's what we got to do, man.
We got to guide y'all through this.
You know, it's some fucked up shit out there.
I know people are feeling anxious.
They're feeling insecure about what's going on.
And I think having some structure and some regularity and some voices that can tell you what's going on and sharing that kind of information and make you feel a little more at peace during this time.
And that's what we need to do.
That's what we will do.
That's our role for you.
And I love the fact that we had that role.
I love the fact that we could deliver this to you.
I'm fucking honored by the opportunity to give that to you guys.
And it seems to be resonating, man.
These fucking clips are blowing up on YouTube and SoundCloud.
And I'm glad.
It makes me fucking happy, man.
And I'm glad that you're doing it with me, Al.
Thank you, man.
Man, it is.
Glad to be doing it.
This is dope.
I like it.
Just talking to the people.
Real talk.
Luxury Date Night00:08:53
It really feels like that FDR fireside chat shit, man.
It's just like every day just giving y'all a little something, not too long, but just a little reminder.
Like, yo, we're going through it too.
A lot of people feeling what you're feeling.
And we're here to, you know, we're here to get you all through this shit.
Sheltain's sick, though.
Nah, no.
He can still walk.
But it's one of those things.
It was FDR that couldn't walk, right?
Say what?
It was FDR that I couldn't walk, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was one of those things.
This is one of those times, like, times like this kind of like expose leaders in a way.
Like, Trump is being exposed so much right now.
He's just a fucking shell of himself because, and he's just bobbling this shit nonstop.
Trump, what Trump is, is, and I've been very objective about Trump, so don't you ever give me any fucking pushback about this.
I'll celebrate the great shit he does and I'll knock the bad shit he does.
But Trump is a great leader when it comes to times of luxury, right?
Because in times of luxury, you like a roaster, right?
You like an insult comic.
You know, I was talking to my boy Tim Dylan about this, but like, he goes, that is comforting in times of luxury because we can laugh at shit in times of luxury.
And deep down, we know shit is luxurious.
So it's funny to see somebody make fun of the people that are acting like they're not living in luxury, right?
So like, we were living so beautifully a month or two ago, right?
So beautifully that we're complaining about stupid shit like pronouns and like bathrooms for transgenders.
Like notice none of that shit exists now, right?
Notice nobody gives a fuck about these like stupid.
I would like to be called Zim or Zid or whatever the stupid name is for people who like are non-binary.
Once Corona hits, everybody all of a sudden is binary, right?
Where do the men go?
Take your heels off, walk in that shit.
Where do the women go?
Corona don't give a fuck about your gender.
You know what I'm saying?
This is the real world you're living in.
But when shit was sweet, Trump was just making fun of all these fucking idiots that were exaggerating how bad their life was when it was actually the most amazing life that's ever been lived in the history of the world.
And we liked it and it was comforting.
He was like that.
He was like that uncle that you had, right?
One of the things about Trump that was so relatable is he doesn't talk like a smart person.
He barely speaks in full sentences, but it's kind of relatable because that's your uncle.
You got that funny uncle who's just like, yes, people go there, figure it out.
We'll have it.
Numbers good, right?
It's a very simple way to do it.
You know, your father, back in the day, stud, dropping dick.
That's what he did.
Got your mom.
Calm down.
Everything's good.
We eating dinner, food, love it.
Right?
That's how he speaks.
He's just giving you bullet point information, right?
Son, he speaks in bullet points.
He speaks in bullet points.
But yo, son, we need bullet points, right?
And when shit is good, just give us the bullet points.
It works.
And that's probably what he's talking from.
It's like, these are your talking points.
He's Ron Burgundy.
He's Ron Burgundy in that shit, bro.
He's Ron Burgundy in that shit, right?
Corona, STD rate.
Welfare.
Get people money.
Thank you.
Wave.
That's what he does, right?
Here's the thing.
Yo, this is crazy.
In times of confusion and insecurity and desperation, you don't want the roaster.
You don't want your uncle.
When shit goes down, you go to your dad.
You know what I'm saying?
When life is good and you're banging girls and everything's cool, you call up your uncle.
You're like, yo, how do you eat pussy?
Your uncle tells you.
Right?
When there's a tragedy that happens, right?
When you hurt yourself, you get fired from your job.
You call your dad, dad, what do I do?
Obama would have killed this shit right now.
He would have.
Because he is a brilliant man and he gives hope.
That's what he ran on.
He's an intellectual.
He's smart.
Right now, we're gravitating towards people who know things.
We're not gravitating towards our uncle.
We want people who know things and people who can tell us things that we believe and we trust.
When Trump talks shit right now about the coronavirus, you believe any of the shit he's saying?
Nope.
One week, it's not going to be bad.
Truck, Corona, China, deal, buying stuff.
Soy farmers, talk to you tomorrow.
We don't need that.
We need somebody who's out there and who's actually going to deliver.
And I think those voices will pop up.
You know, I really do believe those voices will pop up.
And I hope that we gravitate to those voices.
I hope that we can be a voice of that for a lot of you.
And basically, basically, that's it.
That's it.
We don't want to make this last too long, but we'd like to, I want Trump to step it the fuck up.
He's got to fucking step it the fuck up.
So before we get out of here, I always want us to leave on a positive and inspirational note.
You know, we're telling you guys to do stuff.
I love people start hitting me up with like Photoshop things and flyers and different cool things that they've been cooking up because now they got some time and I want you to use this fucking time and learn something new today.
That's what we're going to do.
We're going to learn something new every single day.
And it can be something online.
I don't give a fuck what it is.
Go buy some food.
You don't know how to cook.
Learn how to cook it.
Learn a new meal, right?
There are a couple things I want everybody to try out.
I know for me, what I'm going to do today is I'm going to install my bidet.
Okay?
I got a bidet.
Let's go.
I'm installing that shit.
Let's go.
And I'm going to do it.
And you know what it is?
When you decide to do something and actually execute, you get these small victories and they fucking work out.
I made an acaibo for the first time.
Yourself?
Yeah.
You blended everything?
Exactly.
And low-key, you've made comedy specials.
Doesn't it feel good?
That let's go.
So it's like, so you can do these small little things, right?
And it could be learn how to make a new type of food.
It could be learn a new exercise.
It could be learn how to do a single fucking pull-up.
Put these small things on your agenda and then execute them and you will feel so fucking good, man.
I'm telling you, it's so easy to get depressed.
Have a date night with your girl.
I mean this 100%.
I told my girl last night, I said, put on something nice.
She goes, we're just staying home.
I go, I don't give a fuck.
I don't want you in them sweatpants you've been fucking coughing in all day in a raggy shirt.
Put on some sexy ass shit.
Paint your toenails.
Okay?
I'm coming home.
We're going to have a date night.
All right?
We ordered some food in from Wolfgang's.
Nice dinner.
We had a date night.
I don't give a fuck if it's inside.
Lit some candles.
Listen fucking candles, dog.
I took her on a ride on a motorcycle.
We got an electric bike, but we're calling a motorcycle.
The motorcycle.
But all I'm saying is, like, literally have fun with this.
Enjoy this shit.
Have a date night with your girl.
Get dressed up in something nice.
Tell her to get dressed up something nice.
Tell her to do her fucking hair.
You do your fucking hair.
Don't be a lazy schlep.
You feel how you look.
That's what this coach told me back in the day.
And corona ideas, like you could have, even though black people don't do this, but you could have a picnic.
That's inside.
And even outside.
Like, daytime, and we've been having pretty good weather in the daytime.
Like, don't tell them to go outside out.
No, no, no.
Look, it's just two people in a park away from other people having a small little picnic.
That's absolutely.
Please stop giving these ideas.
Don't go.
You want to do a picnic?
Do it on your fucking roof doing your balcony.
Stay away from people.
Try to be quarantined and stay inside.
But seriously, do that shit.
Date night.
Bust open a bottle of wine.
Treat yourself right.
Don't treat yourself like a prisoner.
Get yourself showered.
Get yourself nice.
Make sure you're doing all these things.
It's so easy when you don't have structure to fall into that depression, man.
That fucking grim state of the world.
And we're not going to do that.
So we're going to go out there and do something.
So that's what we're all going to do today.
Everybody's going to learn something new today.
Execute something new.
It does not have to be something big.
It could literally be learn how to use chopsticks.
Learn how to use a yo-yo.
I don't give a fuck how small it is.
Go on YouTube, figure one thing out.
Figure a little thing about Photoshop.
Figure something you don't know about your fucking iPhone.
Learn how to use your new eye, what are these called?
AirPods.
AirPods.
Just learn one new thing today.
You get that little morale boost, and we're going to do it.
And we'll be back to you tomorrow because fuck it.
We out here.
Actually, tomorrow we got flagrant.
Yeah.
So we're going to deliver that flagrancy tomorrow.
But that's a challenge that we're sending you home with.
Like, pick one new thing to do every single day.
Every single day.
Hey, I check my DMs if you want.
You can tag me on it, big you up.
I'm going to try to do the same thing.
I'll do one new thing per day.
Yeah, the new thing challenge.
Maybe we'll find a better name for it, but that's for real, man.
And if you need any questions, let us know.
Holler at us.
DM us.
We got you.
And if you got a cool idea of a new thing to learn that's possible to do from your home, hit us up with that shit too because we want to suggest that to everybody out there.
Get some exercise.
Don't let yourself fall down during this time.
We're going to big up.
That's what we're going to do.
We're going to have some cool, positive changes.
And I promise you, the next one is going to be shorter than 30 minutes.