Flagrant - Andrew Schulz & Akaash Singh - Cancelled feat. Shane Gillis

Dec. 10, 2019 - Flagrant - Andrew Schulz & Akaash Singh

01:46:27

Cancelled feat. Shane Gillis

# uta stand up comedy song of songs bill burr bowen yang comedy cancellation greta thunberg harvey weinstein jussie smollett lorne michaels louis ck magic spoon matt rife michael che racial slurs religious conversion saturday night live shane gillis social rejection

Shane Gillis and Andrew Schulz dissect Gillis's SNL cancellation following his "Chink" remark, debating whether context was ignored by NBC and CNN. They analyze the rushed vetting process that overlooked podcast slurs, contrast Gillis's firing with Louis C.K.'s retention, and discuss his subsequent sold-out shows amidst hecklers using racial slurs. The conversation extends to broader cultural fatigue regarding "black trauma" narratives and climate activism hypocrisy before pivoting to personal anecdotes about romantic rejections and the hosts' upcoming tour dates. Ultimately, the episode highlights the volatile intersection of comedy, race, and corporate accountability in modern entertainment. [Automatically generated summary]
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Racist Misinterpretations Explained 00:14:39
	What's up everybody?
	Welcome to Flagrant 2.
	No Easy Buckets.
	I'm Andrew Schultz.
	I'm here with Akash Singh, Real Life Cast, Alex Media.
	Eden is not in the building today, but we have a special guest.
	You have a special guest.
	We have a special guest in the building.
	Very special guest.
	None other than not SNL Shane Gillis is here with us.
	Some of you probably have known Shane.
	He was quite infamous, I would say, just a month ago.
	You reached infamy when you had quite the scandal.
	You got the job of a dream.
	I don't know if it's exactly your dream, but we can get into that.
	But you got someone's dream job, which is be a cast member on SNL.
	And of course, the cancel culturalists did what they do.
	And they went back through every single podcast and tweet.
	In their defense, it was like the first video on YouTube.
	They're not four minutes into the video.
	In their defense, they didn't really do that much work.
	You've been the laziest guy.
	I love how you want to take away the idea that they're hardworking.
	They didn't do shit.
	I mean, algorithms, probably like those cancel culture books probably came up as a YouTube recommended popped up.
	So they found some videos of you saying some offensive things towards the Ajans, towards the Chinese Ajans, if you will.
	And of course, it becomes this natural controversy because there's an Aijan that is going to be on SNL.
	What's the guy's name?
	His name's Bowen.
	Bowen Yang.
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	And I was really happy I got the Yang.
	I said you didn't walk into my role.
	I was like, oh, yeah, he fucking.
	He says, there's like three options.
	He's back to the answer, right?
	He's leading it.
	He's leaning.
	Shane has not learned this last time.
	Hello.
	No, but respect to Bowen Yang.
	I respect Ben.
	Respect to Bowen Yang.
	That's my pick for president.
	That's the guy who went $1,000 a month.
	That's so high.
	Oh, that's the only game back money.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	I want you to know.
	I want you to know.
	This is very funny.
	On the way here, I was trying to call him, and I accidentally called Andrew Yang.
	See, they all don't look the same.
	All Andrews look alike.
	You know what they say?
	Okay, so this happens.
	Obviously, you don't get SNL.
	Your life gets twisted turned upside down.
	To quote Will Smith.
	And now, unfortunately, you're here doing the Flagrant 2 podcast.
	Yeah, fuck.
	Yeah.
	How times change in just a month.
	I mean, this is better, in my opinion.
	It's way better.
	Way better.
	You know what I mean?
	But at the same time, the check is not the same.
	I bet the check isn't that far off.
	Really?
	From SNL?
	Well, let's start out with SNL.
	Before we get to all the crazy stuff.
	Can I say one thing that you should do?
	You should call yourself SNL alumni for the rest of your life.
	Oh, yeah.
	I mean, you are.
	Just to infuriate everybody who got you five.
	That's what you got.
	It's really funny if you Google SNL and click cast.
	It's like me, Adam Sandler, and Chris.
	I'm one of their most famous cast members.
	You got to ride that.
	You got to embrace that.
	I mean, there are people who have been in the exact same amount of sketches as you using that credit.
	Yeah, real talk.
	Yeah, I'm the shortest cast member ever.
	Shortest tenured.
	Well, you're definitely more known than a lot of people that have had like zero fucking skits on that show.
	I mean, there's people, like, they get the, you know, like they get the features at the end.
	Like, oh, like featuring, yada yada.
	Wherever the modern day Tim Meadows is, I'd rather be you.
	So we'll get into that.
	But first of all, the okay, so there's obviously, everything good, Al?
	Yeah, obviously there's a shitty situation that you're in.
	I thought the shittiest part of it, and you correct me if I'm wrong, but if I was a comic, is the thing that the world knows you about isn't funny.
	Yeah.
	The biggest issue with the video, the clip that they start to use, the major one, it wasn't funny, and you're funny.
	Yeah.
	Is that the thing that's tearing you apart when this whole thing breaks?
	Oh, for sure.
	For sure.
	First off, it was a two-minute clip out of the...
	It was funny.
	If you know me and Matt, if you know me and Matt, how we talk and us, like him having a strong opinion saying Chinese food is a dishonest cuisine.
	Okay.
	It's like, oh, he's good.
	He's funny.
	Why is it dishonest?
	Chinese people are like, you know, Matt's fucking weird.
	He's saying it's dishonest because of the nutritional value.
	He's just a weird fucking dude.
	Okay.
	So it's funny to have him say that.
	I thought it was because Chinese people don't eat it.
	I thought it wasn't like authentically what you get in China.
	Yeah, see, no one knows what the fuck he's talking about.
	It's up to her interpretation.
	But then I was sitting there like, this guy's an artist, bro.
	I was like, get those goddamn ducks out of the window.
	Like, I'm making fun of my Alex Jones type character.
	I don't know.
	If you listen to the podcast, that clip wasn't that stupid.
	Now, if you just saw that clip, you're probably like, all right, these guys are just fucking idiots.
	This is just racist.
	The clip, I didn't even think it was that crazy.
	I mean, obviously you said the word chink, right?
	And don't say it anymore.
	We'll say it for you.
	Well, I'll say it for you.
	The thing that I've always thought about with the word chink is it's got to be the least racist word because you can use it in non-racial ways and people do.
	It's the only racial homonym.
	Yes.
	I guess that's what I mean.
	You get that homonym when it's the same word used differently.
	No, synonymous.
	No, no, no, no.
	Homonym.
	So like you can say a chink in the armor.
	Right.
	Okay.
	Right.
	So I think we even said on this podcast, you can say there's a chink in the armor.
	You can't say there's a chink on the armoire.
	Yes.
	Right?
	So like those, one of those is wildly racist.
	You're like, why are you describing that guy sitting on the armoire?
	And then the other one is like, oh, we found a way to beat the bad guy.
	It's a euphemism.
	Other slurs were like, we can.
	Bro, well, we can't say the other ones.
	What is the one we always use for Indians?
	Bipti, right?
	Bipti.
	And nobody knows Bipti, but it's just like a dollar bipti, a dollar $250.
	I'll tell you the real camel jockey in the armor with that guy.
	Gaz, come through with the one we want.
	What do we want?
	Y'all want to?
	Come through with the one we want, Kaz.
	How's this away from my salt and vinegar chips?
	My sandwich on the way here, but we're good now.
	But yeah, it is a weird way.
	But of course, people are going to see this thing, especially Asians are going to see this thing out of the context of a humor.
	And they're told to look at it one way, right?
	They're not told to look at it as a comedy podcast and look for the comedy.
	They're told to look at it as the racist thing.
	And if someone says, hey, there's some racism in here, you're going to find it.
	Yeah.
	No, I mean, from the start, I was like, if I saw this clip with that headline, I'd be like, damn, that's pretty fucked up.
	That's pretty fucked up.
	Yeah.
	So then the annoying thing happens, and I knew this was going to happen.
	We texted about this.
	I think it was like pretty quickly after, right?
	Someone sent me your number.
	I was like, dude, what's going to happen is they're going to build this fucking narrative around you.
	They're going to look through everything you've ever said about Asian people and they're going to try to find a way to make it seem racist.
	And article after article would come out.
	And this was what I thought was really unfair.
	Judge somebody by what they said.
	That's fine.
	If you want to be offended, I don't care, whatever it is.
	But when they started to take things that you said out of context, right?
	Like you were making this argument that it's wrong that you can just make Asian jokes.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Right?
	Yeah.
	He basically goes, I mean, it's completely unfair.
	You could just make Asian jokes and people laugh.
	And it's totally okay.
	That's true.
	But they just take the part, you can make Asian jokes and people laugh.
	It's okay.
	Yeah, they left that out.
	They left out it's totally unfair.
	These are like real news sources.
	Yeah.
	Like CNN, leaving out a quote that's like, it's totally hypocritical.
	But CNN's not violent.
	CNN is totally objective.
	Insane.
	But it's great.
	Like you hear Trump say that and you're like, this is bullshit.
	But then when it fucking happens to you, it happens to your friend, you're like, oh, wow, there is an objective.
	There's a narrative.
	People just want clicks.
	And the clicking thing is, Shane doesn't like Asians.
	Now, which is crazy.
	If anybody would be black people, you know.
	What the fuck?
	Asians are great.
	Crazy is a bit much, to be honest.
	I don't know what to do.
	So that's hard right here.
	And the question is: how do black people say noodles?
	I don't know.
	Spaghetti.
	Boy, I did.
	We only know one pasta dish show.
	Alex, what's the one pasta dish all black people know?
	Chef boy RD.
	Oh, motherfucker, bro.
	Fedicine the Alfredo.
	Oh, yeah.
	This is the only.
	Oh, goddamn it.
	I forgot you're half enough.
	God damn it.
	Ruined the rhythm.
	Anyway, continue, bro.
	Look at that.
	Black people ruining rhythm.
	We really want to break them bounds.
	Are you serious?
	Oh, yeah.
	Anyway, so you're in this fucked-up situation, and it said you get dropped.
	And now all of a sudden, you get to go on the road and you have crowds sold out.
	Yeah.
	Or people are coming out.
	We're getting there.
	People are coming out.
	Yes, yes.
	People are coming out to see.
	The first weekend I did Helium in Philly, but that's where I'm from.
	But it did sell out five shows, which was nice.
	Nice.
	It's crazy.
	Nice.
	Five shows is crazy.
	I don't care where you're from.
	People throwing duck sauce on stage.
	Like, what was the situation?
	There is a funny thing that's happening now because as much as woke people misinterpreted it, there's also fucking racist dudes that misinterpreted it.
	It's like, yeah, get the fear, bro.
	Chill, chill, chill, dude.
	But how do you balance that?
	Because they're also buying tickets.
	I let them buy the tickets for sure.
	But then during the show, I'm like, shut the fuck up.
	Stop.
	Woo!
	This is you.
	No.
	Yeah, they'll always scream out, like, fuck SNL.
	Fuck Asian people.
	No, no, no.
	No, I don't.
	I've gotten drunk guys after shows that have said, I mean, there's always been this thing.
	Of course, you have to do that.
	But drunk guys after shows, usually they're coming up to you and being like, hey, you want one you can use?
	And then it's just something crazy.
	Oh, something crazy.
	You got to give us one now.
	You can't.
	One's going to be a little bit of a double.
	And let me put this in context.
	Shane did not say this.
	Guys.
	Someone told him that.
	Yes.
	Proper content.
	Proper content.
	I'm a maniac from fucking Long Island.
	I just thought it was good.
	It was after governors.
	I think governors.
	If there's any races I enjoy the most, it's the only thing that's made no sense.
	He came up to me after the show and was like, hey, I got one you can use.
	And this is like, you know, I'm shaking hands and taking pictures and shit after a show.
	This guy just waited in line to tell me this.
	He was like, got one you can use.
	Gooks are us.
	I was like, oh, okay.
	Something's down to this.
	What's up?
	That's all he said.
	Like, what does that fucking mean, dude?
	And then he was like, you're going to use it.
	You're going to use it.
	I was like, well, yeah, I guess.
	Now I am.
	That's right.
	He was right.
	What if he's like a super meta?
	Like, hang on, I like that he like plays bro, but he's really subservient with his humor.
	He's like, that'll make him the worst joke ever.
	He's going to talk about this shit.
	He's going to fucking use it.
	I don't know how long I'm just talking about.
	That is good worthy, to be honest.
	It just makes no sense.
	It's astonishing how people misinterpret the thing.
	For sure.
	Now, before this thing happened, obviously, at least from what you're telling us, zero animosity towards Asians at all.
	Why?
	Yeah, I'm not.
	Just the blacks.
	I'm not nuts.
	I'm not crazy.
	Why would I?
	Well, first off, I grew up in no Asians where I'm from.
	Yeah, yeah.
	It sounds nice to me.
	There's no interactions, sort of.
	There's no like, what is there they're not like?
	Yeah, they have pretty good PR if you haven't met them.
	They're great.
	Yeah.
	All the movies and stuff, right?
	The TV shows.
	These Asians are incredible.
	Bank half of your sentence is very important.
	You see one of them take a shit on the street.
	You're like, whoa, this was not any of the movies.
	Not in the video at all.
	He's pissed on the floor at the airport.
	What the fuck happened?
	I'm in Singapore.
	Why are you doing this?
	There's bathrooms everywhere.
	Oh, my God.
	I don't know.
	I mean, it's just, I don't really, you know.
	Genuinely, this is as corny as a guest to say, I don't really have any animosity towards any race in particular.
	Right.
	You know, that'd be kind of fucking nuts.
	Yeah, yeah.
	So it was funny.
	And I've never met, like, it's funny to have people be like, what are you racist against Asians?
	I don't know.
	It's just kind of funny.
	I've never met.
	I've never met like a white guy who's like, goddamn Asians.
	Yeah.
	That's usually stopping me.
	Usually they're very low on the list of races.
	Like if it comes like the total polar racism, it's like blacks, Jews.
	No, no, no, no.
	You got that.
	The true races, Jews.
	Jews first.
	All right.
	Jews, blacks.
	Nobody tried to get rid of the blacks.
	Like, we can use this together.
	I mean, they tried.
	They gave it the whole Doll College tribe for a number of years, but Brazilian.
	Nobody ever.
	They're Brazilian.
	They're looking to breathe the biggest Jews in the holidays.
	No, they weren't.
	No, they were.
	Goddamn.
	That was their fear.
	Like, they might breathe.
	What movie did I just see?
	All of them?
	Okay, so.
	So it'd be a wild thing to just hate that one group.
	Well, yeah, yeah.
	But yeah, it's just funny.
	I've never even considered, like, am I racist against Asian people?
	Yeah.
	Like, no, that's not on my...
	But now you've reflected, though.
	Yeah.
	How did they take an SNL from you?
	Yeah, yeah.
	I will also say, it's like, dude, accents are funny.
	Doing an Asian accent's funny.
	Yes.
	Doing an Australian accent's funny.
	Neuters.
	It has nothing to do with it.
	It wasn't very funny, to be honest.
	A dozen neuters?
	Neuters?
	Neuters was hilarious.
	No, no, no.
	I thought it was funny.
	No, it's not that funny.
	It was a fucking inside joke between, and my girlfriend said it in the Chinese restaurant.
	In the clip, I'm defending Asian people.
	In the clip, my girlfriend's like, ooh, I want some neuters.
	And we were at a Chinese restaurant.
	I was like, yo, Jill.
	Don't be fucking racist.
White Privilege and Trauma 00:15:10
	Yeah, man.
	Take her job.
	Yeah, and then in the same clip, like, I mean, it's crazy.
	So your girl hates Asians.
	She hates Asians.
	She just moved to Vermont.
	That's why.
	She's the real culprit here.
	The next part of the clip is like me talking about how there was a Chinese kid trying to learn English, like playing a video game loudly next to me.
	And I was mad that he was doing that.
	And I was making fun of myself while my fat ass was eating noodles with a fork.
	I'm mad at a kid trying to learn a second language.
	Right.
	Like, how is that missed?
	Yeah.
	They took that at face value.
	They took that at he was actually upset that an Asian was trying to learn.
	They didn't see his self-separation.
	Sorry, we're trying to learn English.
	What the fuck?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	What are we doing here?
	Yeah, that's a little bit unfair.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Any other groups you hate?
	The British.
	I'm with you on that.
	I'm with you on the back.
	I'm reading this book right now about the Irish.
	This guy named Thomas Maher is this, it's crazy.
	His life's crazy, but it's about like the potato family and all that shit.
	And everything the British did.
	It was a genocide that for some reason no one talks about.
	What do you mean?
	The British just genocided the...
	Yeah, exactly.
	We care about white genocide.
	We don't.
	We care about Jew genocide, but that's like, we're not good with our money.
	That's just because they give us loans.
	Yeah, but we're not, but even before that, like, I don't think white people are good at their victim marketing.
	No, no.
	Very bad at victim marketing.
	Now, I also thought about it because every once in a while you'll hear white guys be like, Irish were slaves, too.
	Yeah, yeah.
	But we don't live in America anymore.
	Like, that was in Ireland.
	Right.
	Like, it's weird for black people in America because they still live with the same government that had them.
	Right.
	Meanwhile, Irish people moved here and were, you know.
	Yeah.
	But over there, there's an animosity.
	Like, my family's Scottish.
	They don't like the English at all.
	But I think the English did a pretty good job with Scotland.
	Like, if you look at Braveheart to now, Scotland's really improved.
	Scotland's got their act at horror.
	I mean, they got a lot of people.
	Cut a couple guys' heads off.
	He got some fucking roads.
	Yeah, like they're killing it.
	They're not painting their face like idiots anymore.
	Shit is going well now that England has stepped up and got the Scott out of them.
	And I say this is a proud Scotch.
	I love the accent.
	I love all that kind of stuff.
	And English food sucks.
	Oh, it's the fucking worst.
	What's the food?
	Haggis.
	Haggis.
	That shit sounds disgusting.
	I don't know what it is.
	Haggis sounds like...
	Hagginess is a sheep's stomach.
	Wait a minute.
	No, that's a...
	The intestines put into a sheep's stomach.
	That shit is white chitlins.
	Dude, that's exactly what's going on.
	Scottish are the black people.
	Whitlands.
	The white black people.
	They're the white Africans.
	Tribal people with the face.
	This is what we do, bro.
	Africa's pretty big, bro.
	It's colonized by white people.
	You know what I'm saying?
	She just said, that's our history.
	Fighting for freedom.
	You know what I mean?
	No, see, this is exactly what I was just saying.
	Like, white people be like, Irish were slaves, too.
	Yo, we were slaves too, bro.
	You know?
	Yes.
	I'm not trying to out-trauma you.
	Look, that is the thing to do now is to out-trauma.
	Like, I'm just, God, fuck, man.
	And I was going to be my favorite thought of the week.
	Which is.
	So, like, this Queen and Slim movie that came out.
	Nobody likes this movie.
	I'm not like, I'm just tired of seeing motherfucking movies with like cops shooting niggas, fucking slave movies, fucking nut, all that shit, all that black trauma shit.
	Like, I get it.
	It's profitable now.
	Yeah.
	Yet people are making a shit ton of money.
	Shout out, Flutzerface Lena Waith.
	Yeah.
	I think she's super talented.
	I still love the Thanksgiving episode of Master and Nun, but like, I'm just like, I'm tired of it, dog.
	I'm tired of it.
	Like, the trail looked great.
	I'm just like, there's no way, like, there's no way.
	The trail looked great.
	Trail looked really good.
	It was all shot really well.
	Like, the cinematography is like, you know, say what you want about how it's written, whatever.
	Like, the way it's shot, it looks amazing.
	Yeah.
	But I'm just good on fucking black trauma movies for like a good 1015.
	White women aren't done yet.
	They still like it.
	Wait a minute.
	Have you seen, and then they try to guilt you for like not wanting to watch it or not liking it?
	It's like, how can you be pro-black?
	How can you be this, this, that, and not support this movie?
	I'm like, dog, I'm just, I'm tired of seeing you.
	Sammy gave you $10.
	Bro, yeah.
	Go fund me.
	I can just give money to you and not waste my fucking money.
	I would give you visas.
	I'm not greater than $10 fucking dollars.
	Just so I don't have to get fucking bombarded with these images over and over of fucking again.
	Like, God, like, I don't...
	There's plenty of great black movies without all this fucking trauma that you can fucking make a shit ton of money out of.
	Yeah.
	But fuck.
	We need the black success movies.
	We need the fucking man.
	Jesus Christ.
	We need that peanut butter documentary, bro.
	You know, that's how you're going to proud black guys.
	But we've had Carver.
	Because he's kind of a deep-cut black dude.
	It is.
	He's not super, he's not MLK.
	That's not Yankee.
	No, Washington Carver is not his deep deep.
	George Washington Carver is like that was written.
	It's the b-side of the album.
	It was written.
	But if that should be side of that, bro, if that movie was amazing, we could make him the most famous George Washington.
	Sure, in terms of legacy points, right?
	And in terms of being the first president, whose legacy is actually like...
	Yo, yo.
	Who's the first person?
	Do you carry cash?
	Washington slapped.
	I only carry 6.
	The only occasion is because we're doing live shows.
	If it wasn't for doing these spots around a city, I wouldn't have cash.
	That dollar bill keeps George Washington alive.
	Nah, he's the first, though.
	Say what?
	The first.
	I'm aware that he's the first.
	Who's the first president of fucking or prime minister of England?
	Nobody fucking knows.
	We're going to forget about it.
	And the more show we learn about George Washington.
	Washington Carver, the peanut butter is not going away.
	Still slap.
	We got all the shit.
	Peanut product.
	Peanut oil.
	You like Thai?
	Boom.
	You like Typhoon?
	He didn't invent Thailand.
	That being said, they took him up before.
	What?
	I bet they were using it.
	It was funny.
	It's funny.
	Neuters.
	Neuters.
	Newters place.
	Neuters place.
	Neuters.
	Neuters.
	No, but they were probably using like a soybean Oyer or whatever.
	You know what I mean?
	He didn't invent peanuts.
	They had peanuts.
	It's a big one.
	They had peanuts.
	Okay, peanut Oyer.
	So this is what we do.
	We do George Washington Carver documentary.
	We need to do the positive black experience there.
	You get What's His Face to Plan?
	Black Panther?
	Julia Ross's name.
	Chadwick Boats.
	Julia Ross.
	Just like George Washington Carver.
	Get her in there.
	Yo, why?
	Yo, first off, I don't know why people try to act like that wouldn't be fucking a must-watch fucking movie.
	Julia Roberts delivers her most engaging performance ever.
	Are you kidding me?
	Yo, Queen and Slim.
	I'm like, what's on Netflix?
	I'll watch it.
	Bro, they should have got Dolezo.
	Dolezoll could have pulled it off, too.
	She definitely could have.
	Bro, she believed that.
	Also, Dolezo, truthfully, has done more for the black community than almost any actor.
	Yo, that's true.
	That's the take.
	That's it.
	Let's talk about it.
	This is the ugly truth.
	What do you mean by that?
	What do you mean by that?
	Did she like work with the NAACP and help?
	How do you think she was a leader?
	She worked up the ranks, was doing really good shit.
	And then they just found out she was white, and then they were just like, no.
	You out.
	You got it.
	It is crazy.
	I mean, it does out you is kind of fucking crazy.
	What's this problem?
	What is it?
	It's totally fine.
	Yo, but this is the thing that's.
	Genius is crazy.
	That's what this is.
	Rachel Dolezal admits that she's not black but wants to be and now she's crazy.
	Sean King, do you know that writer?
	Yeah.
	He won't admit that he's white, even though we know he's fucking an eye.
	They're exactly the same, right?
	Dude, he won't admit it, and he's still the top guy.
	Who's the top guy?
	D-Ray?
	We don't know where he's gone.
	D-Ray in that vest.
	I gotta go.
	We don't know.
	We haven't heard from D-Ray.
	Sean King is holding it down.
	Who else?
	Is he really?
	Name another journalist.
	Son, you got me right there.
	I'll fuck with David D. Name another journalist.
	He don't got the numbers that Sean King got.
	I get it.
	Sean King, dude.
	Fuck, he really still out here.
	Is he a journalist?
	White people got it good, bro.
	I don't know what to say.
	I see him on Twitter.
	This is how little I give a fuck about journalists.
	Every time you say Sean, I think we're talking about Kemp.
	He stopped playing 20 years ago.
	I honestly thought you were going to talk about Sean Kingston.
	Like, yo, he wrote an album with Antonio Brown.
	Yeah, Antonio Brown got shot right next to him, which is like a great rapper tale.
	Yeah.
	Antonio Brown got shot?
	Yeah, Antonio Brown rapped on this song about how he got shot and Sean Kingston was there.
	So Sean Kingston was on the song.
	Antonio Brown.
	The wide receiver.
	The wide out.
	Pittsburgh Steelers.
	Apparently a couple of years ago.
	Didn't tell anybody.
	Got shot.
	I think he's lying.
	I don't think so.
	He's lying.
	I don't think so.
	He hasn't proved to be the most reputable source of the truth lately.
	But I mean, yeah, that's what's happening.
	I haven't heard the song.
	I wouldn't put my ears through that.
	But yeah, I thought you were talking about Sean Kingston.
	No, I'm not talking about Sean.
	Shout out to Sean King.
	He has done more for me than Sean King has.
	How do we even get into this?
	I'm not even sure.
	Talking about Queen and Slim.
	Ah, Queen and Slim.
	Harriet Tubman.
	Being trash.
	Julian Roberts.
	Queen and Slim trash.
	No, here's the thing.
	I don't think Queen and Slim is trash.
	I haven't seen it.
	I can't give it up.
	I just haven't seen it?
	No.
	I just don't want to see black trauma movies no more.
	That's not my.
	I've never been into the slave movies.
	It's weird.
	Never been into that.
	It's fucking weird.
	Like, am I the only one that thinks it's not fucking weird?
	Trust me.
	And also as a white guy, slave movies aren't that great for us.
	It's not like we're feeling great.
	Why would you go?
	If any white guy that goes to the movie is trying to kill profitable.
	They're trying to feel little.
	Exactly.
	It's like a Civil War reenactment.
	That's what it is.
	They're putting on the fucking costume.
	They're going there.
	I swear to God, if you're getting off on those movies, there's something wrong with it.
	Deep inside of you that...
	I get if you see like roots.
	Everybody sees roots.
	Okay.
	They show roots in fucking in grade school.
	I get that.
	I even give you a pass if you saw Django because you're killing slave masters.
	Django is fucking bad.
	Yeah, but Django, Django.
	Django is different.
	I can't tell you what Django.
	The only reason why Django is good is that.
	Django is different is because he's a superhero.
	Yeah.
	He wins, right?
	So he kills the bad guy.
	And it's just a hot movie.
	It's action.
	It's funny.
	Tarantino, Shotwell.
	Great one-liners, great monologues.
	That's my type of shit.
	Sure.
	But there's something there is something off about, there is something off about these types of movies, but I've realized what it is.
	I think I understand what it is because the same thing exists for women, right?
	There are a million podcasts that women watch or listen to that are about serial killers and murders, right?
	Like all these murder mystery podcasts, all that kind of stuff.
	There's three different law and orders, right?
	Which every episode is a girl getting murdered, pretty much like that, right?
	And Criminal Minds, a bunch of other shows, just women getting murdered constantly, all about women getting murdered.
	And I think what it is, is women are told from a young age by their parents, hey, be careful when you go out.
	You could get raped or murdered.
	And they're told that every single day.
	And it doesn't happen.
	My dad wouldn't shut up about it.
	He's like, you're going to get raped.
	Every time.
	Yeah, all of us.
	Really?
	No.
	That was funny to imagine somebody saying that every single day to a daughter.
	Great ass.
	Someone's going to titty fuck you.
	Excellent I've seen you getting out of the shower.
	Boy, you are going to get raped.
	So basically, there's this.
	Aren't you from PA?
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	And he never sent you that Sandusky camp?
	No, no, no, no.
	He didn't care.
	No, we were no raid fans.
	Fuck Penn State.
	I was like happy with that game.
	When that news dropped, I was like, we won't rape you in the college.
	We'll rape you in the church.
	We'll get you a church, baby.
	Either way, you're getting it.
	So they're told this thing about the world.
	It doesn't exist in that way.
	So they're listening to these podcasts and watching these shows to confirm this idea about the world that they've been sold but doesn't exist to them.
	And I think what happens with so many of these like these news stories that happen, you know, like Barbecue Becky or like white ladies, like these people, you.
	No, real talk.
	Real talk.
	So it's like they didn't think of him.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Wait, I think, and again, I can't speak for you guys, but I don't know how many like overtly racist things have happened in your life.
	I know you've had like the cop pulls you over for no fucking reason.
	I've been in the car with Alex when it happened.
	And I'm sure you have a million of these different things where someone's kind of following you.
	But the overt, like, hi, I'm a great.
	I'm a cartoonistically racist person.
	I'm going to be racist to you.
	I bet doesn't happen as much as it's been has been sold to you.
	Is that fair to say?
	Overt racism.
	Overtly, yeah.
	I mean, that's the thing, though.
	Like, that's the thing.
	That's why this shit kind of sells so much now because the new type of overt racism is like the shit that's under the table, under the table, like in your face, but like, you know.
	Right.
	So just to finish the point, the point is these stories are so sexy to us because they confirm a belief we have about the world that we don't see all the time.
	Of course.
	You know what happens?
	I'll watch those movies and like the first five minutes, there's like a fucking, take any fucking black trauma movie.
	I think it was the hate you give.
	I just saw that a few weeks ago.
	You fucked up.
	Yeah, I know.
	It was wild.
	That shit is like homework.
	When you watch those movies, when you watch this, that's about Donald Glover and Rihanna.
	No, that's on Amazon.
	Ain't no movie with Donald Glover.
	I think Ava DeVernia.
	This is Ava De Vernier film.
	This is a Donald Glover and Brianna movie.
	Yeah, it was on Amazon.
	Is he black again?
	What happened with Donald Glover?
	Who?
	Donald Glover?
	Yeah.
	He's black?
	Bro, he's trying.
	I'll fuck with Donald Glover, bro.
	Yeah, that fucking black trauma video that we all pretend was.
	This is America.
	This America Was a Fire?
	Nah, yo.
	I thought it was pretty good.
	I thought it was good.
	I don't want that from Donald Glover, yo.
	This is America.
	I can write a sitcom and make millions of dollars and be an actor.
	This is America.
	My wife and I have my baby.
	This is America.
	I can be woke and marry a white woman.
	This is America.
	My name is Donald and I am Black Stroke.
	This is America.
	I don't use the odor and I perform for white teenagers.
	This is America.
Seinfeld, Women, and Laughs 00:13:44
	It's like, shut the fuck up, bro.
	This is all from Treason Gate Offer Trains.
	This is America.
	He's sold.
	This is America.
	Apparently, it was somebody else's song, wasn't it?
	Yeah, he got all this shit for it.
	Did he?
	Yeah.
	Anyway, I like the songs.
	Anyway, the point I was saying, like, so when I watch these movies, the first thing I do.
	Kaz, white people are talking.
	Fuck you.
	Fuck you, Andrew.
	Racism's not real.
	Racism's not real.
	Get over it.
	God damn.
	Send it out.
	The super cut of all of us.
	You guys fucked me on this.
	I just had a super cut of just a clip of me being like, Gooks are us.
	Like, oh my God, they got me.
	He's back again.
	Are we just going to recut all of us?
	Are you sure that's what you want to see?
	Maybe you shouldn't know.
	Recuts him just this sign of shit.
	You guys don't even hear me.
	She just screams.
	She likes her awesome.
	Don't fucking joke about it because people will do that.
	People are going to do it.
	That's the beauty of this podcast.
	That's the beauty of this show.
	People know what they're getting when it comes to this show.
	Bro, we have an episode where Kaz is wearing a MAGA hat the whole entire fucking episode.
	Not a single screenshot.
	Hasn't leaked.
	Not one.
	Really?
	This is...
	We've created the last question of fun that exists on planet Earth.
	A blessing.
	That's from Africa.
	This guy who took out Jussie Smollett, literally wearing the MAGA hat.
	Speaking of, by the way, my agency dropped me and kept Jussie Smollett.
	Just so you know.
	Oh, my God.
	This is America.
	That's crazy.
	I mean, crazy.
	Which agency?
	The guy who faked a hate crime.
	Oh, well, you kept his joke.
	Yeah, which agency, yo?
	Say it.
	Just say it.
	Fuck them.
	Say it.
	UTA.
	Oh, they're a good name.
	They're one of the big, what, three or whatever the fuck they are?
	Yeah, no, that's a big one.
	Yeah.
	UTA is bigger than that.
	The thing that really sucks, though, is the agents that I had liked me and I got along with them, but it came from just the terrorist was just immediately like, no, you got to get rid of them.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	And who do they, who else do they represent?
	Let's just see.
	UTA reps a fucking ton of people.
	I bet if we look through, we could find like super racist sketches they've all done.
	Who do they represent?
	I'm pretty sure.
	Wait, don't they represent?
	They represent everybody.
	Everybody.
	I'm pretty sure they rep Aziz.
	Aziz.
	They rep everybody.
	And this guy doesn't even know what wine a woman wants.
	You know what I mean?
	He won't even ask what kind of wine do you like on a date.
	You're a pervert.
	On a smonger.
	Yo, real talk, on a scale of like Indian raping?
	Bro, like when Indians found out about that, you think they were embarrassed?
	Like when Indian rapists found out about something to drink?
	You gonna prefer him thirsty?
	Yeah, they were like upset.
	They were like, he's gay.
	This motherfucker's gay, dude.
	Who treats women like this?
	You gotta take it.
	The gayest rape?
	Fuck.
	You don't even rape like Alpha.
	Beta rape.
	Beta rape.
	Holy shit.
	Oh, my God.
	Oh, my God.
	I love this fucking special, too, on Netflix.
	Oh, did you like it?
	I like this special because he was still fucking pissed off, and you could tell, but he couldn't be like...
	You heard like his voice where he was like, you know, trying to act like he's, you know, growing and become like a better person, but like still like underneath.
	Just like, are you fucking kidding me?
	Like, I watch the show, but he opens addressing it, and then he's like, okay, now we can move on and does a special.
	It's pretty funny.
	But does he actually say what he feels or is that awful?
	I don't know.
	Who knows?
	He sounds like a very like, he has like a sincere thing.
	But it's like, also, what did he do?
	Pick the wrong girl.
	Brought home a girl.
	Sound like an awkward date.
	Trying to fuck her?
	I'll tell you what he did.
	White woman.
	That's what he did.
	A white woman.
	Hey, that shit could come back on you, bruh.
	Very true.
	Playing a dangerous game.
	That's it.
	You're talking about, that's Jenga Unchained right there.
	Every white woman, you pulling a block out of the tower.
	You get the wrong one.
	That whole shit going to tie.
	Very true.
	So a brown woman, you don't think that would have happened?
	Bruh!
	The bitch got wine.
	No.
	We good, son.
	We know what rape really is.
	We from India.
	Oh, my God.
	Hey, now you're fucking around.
	Motherfucker, did that kind of wine on?
	We gave him some wine.
	You can't take that shit to your mom from India.
	She'd be like, sit your bitch ass down, pussy.
	You should have been his lawyer.
	It's like, what?
	Your Honor.
	There was wine.
	This man's a fucking pussy.
	There was wine.
	Oh, my God.
	Look at the earnest.
	Since the area was a 1997 Bordeaux.
	Your Honor.
	Seinfeld was playing.
	Isn't that hilarious?
	That was my favorite part.
	Do you know he turned on Seinfeld?
	Yeah, I remember that.
	Now you bring it up.
	But didn't, I swear to God, didn't he do nothing wrong?
	I mean, criminally?
	For sure, nothing, right?
	No, no, I don't remember.
	But to turn on Seinfeld to get a girl to wet up.
	I mean, dude.
	So that's my go-to.
	You go through Seinfeld.
	So Seinfeld is on this.
	Just something that I know, so I can just like hear him.
	Can you imagine?
	Can you imagine aggressively trying to get pussy with look to the cookie, Elaine?
	I mean, Seinfeld only comes on during fucking hours.
	When you think about it, like, it only comes on at like 11 p.m. In the middle of the day.
	You know what I mean?
	Like when you're not working.
	Yeah, I guess.
	Seinfeld is only on when you're in.
	I see Family Guy in the background of a lot of people.
	Family guy's like your porn.
	Family guy's a go-to.
	You sounded like Stewie right there.
	I'm more of a Ken Burns documentary guy.
	I like a fascinating play.
	So you put him to sleep like Cosby.
	You don't even need to drug him.
	You just cross on some Ken Burns.
	He can't help himself.
	Yo, just shake it.
	Just for our own entertainment.
	You got to give us a super cut to play the Patreon, dude.
	You're killing the Patreon, yo.
	You're killing me.
	Don't do it.
	God, bro.
	Oh, kidding.
	They put themselves to sleep.
	It's funny.
	It's funny.
	You know what?
	One of these conservative heroes got to do is go through and cut together clips of every AOC Hillary and just cut it together with them saying some horrible shit and then just retweet it.
	Just cut it together and fuck up anything.
	So if AOC says something like it's terrible, we treat poor people as if you are less than and then just cut it up to say like, poor people, you are less than.
	And then just put that up.
	Yeah, but it's also what happens with the left.
	You can't really get them because when they offer an apology, the left takes it.
	Yeah.
	Typically.
	Yeah, but usually you still got there has to be punishment beyond an apology.
	Usually you lose something, that's the pound of flesh, and then you apologize.
	What's the guy's name?
	That's actually because Louis apologized.
	They haven't forgiven him.
	No.
	But you see what Louis said?
	Yeah, I just heard about that.
	That's hilarious.
	Auschwitz joke?
	Yeah, it's funny.
	Dude, it was so funny.
	He's in Tel Aviv doing, he's in Israel, doing a late night show or something.
	Is that the context?
	And he goes, guys, I mean, it's tough for me.
	I'd rather be in Auschwitz than in New York right now.
	And then he goes, I mean, now that it's closed.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	What's crazy about it is he had done that joke before.
	He had done that.
	Millions of times.
	He had done that joke on the clips that came out, that YouTube set of governors that came out.
	He did the joke then, too.
	The joke's funny.
	He's like, Auschwitz now.
	He's like, do you think people at Auschwitz back then were like, someday they're going to be like selling tickets to get in here?
	Like, there's going to be a museum here.
	It's funny, man.
	I had a Shane Joseph favorite Louie where after the controversy, I was like, I think I like this guy.
	That's an Indian in me.
	Akash never liked Louie.
	I love Louie jokes when someone else would tell me them.
	His ideas are always brilliant, but then watching an hour of his comedy was my Ken Burns documentary put me to sleep, yo.
	I can't finish.
	It was the first time where I felt that Louie might be for white people.
	Oh, the show, dog?
	Because I fuck with Ron.
	Actually, I never considered it.
	I was like, I just love this guy.
	This guy's hilarious.
	He's for white people.
	But he might resonate.
	There's like an angst in him that might just resonate more with us.
	I'm fat.
	I don't have hair.
	My kids are annoying.
	That's 30 minutes of the time.
	You're literally.
	Did you like Louie?
	I fuck with Louie.
	Yeah, I fuck with Louie too.
	I don't think it was like Louie.
	Like, Louis wrote fucking Pootie Tang.
	Of course I fucking love Louis C. King.
	Yeah, but do you watch?
	Have you watched a full Louis C.K. special ever in your life?
	Yeah, you finished.
	I've watched all of them.
	I was a Louis C. Key.
	I went to a live show.
	Wait, why'd you say was?
	No, I still am.
	I like Louie now.
	I will say that right.
	Anybody.
	I saw Louie at the cellar.
	This is during his comeback.
	Yeah.
	And it's the hardest I've laughed at a live comedy show that I can remember.
	I mean, I wasn't doing the comic in the back that like does a stupid loud laugh so like the comic on stage goes.
	I was laughing.
	I was laughing like this.
	I was laughing like hand in my face, trying not to distract.
	It was that fucking funny, dude.
	He's a funny motherfucker.
	He's hilarious.
	He's hilarious.
	Even the way you guys canceled.
	As smart as him and a better performer.
	And I fucking loved Bill.
	I love them both.
	But Burst Funny.
	I love them both.
	Burst funnier to me.
	And in my mind, it's not close.
	And then a part of it was also every fucking Louie thing he ever said.
	Some blogger would write a think piece about Louie changes the way we look at fat women.
	Yeah, there was like a...
	I can't get mad at the fucking reaction.
	I know, that's on me.
	That was like a two or three year phase right before he got busted that he did start to get like kind of, it came off as pretentious and very like high art and all this shit that did like kind of fucking rub me the wrong way because he was my favorite forever.
	And there was like a three-year period of like everything he said, like he was like, wow.
	Oh, this is crushed on that.
	But you know what I mean?
	And then when he got in trouble or like all that came out, I was like, no, he's the best ever.
	Even the way he got me too, it was fucking hilarious.
	Like, he's jerking all on himself.
	He didn't touch nobody.
	They were like, yo, like a great way to...
	I jerked off on me.
	But like, I mean, granted, yeah, I understand this problem.
	Yeah, bro.
	We got to do a sketch where we just defend him.
	Like, we're going to do every me too.
	Listen.
	I'm so in, y'all.
	Honestly.
	He got you the Oscar.
	I was thinking about with Weinstein was, do you think he was like, oh, I thought these girls were into me?
	Like, when all these allegations came, I was like, what the fuck?
	We were on a date.
	I was just like, no, no.
	I thought I was a fucking pussy.
	No, they didn't like me.
	That is a possibility.
	That's an amazing defense.
	He was probably like, wait, I thought they liked me.
	They never knew me for me.
	Why can't they think I'm hot?
	So we're basically looking at him like, you disgusting troll.
	There's no way people could like you.
	You must have raped.
	You are too unattractive for consensual sex.
	That's what I'm saying.
	I think a couple of those stories were pretty.
	Like, one of them was like, he followed this chick, this waitress back, and then he followed her into like a wine closet cellar.
	And he was like, jerked off on the plant.
	Let's give me a head.
	And she was like, no.
	And he was like, you care if I just jerk off then?
	She was like, okay.
	You want to know something crazy?
	I met her.
	Oh, really?
	Really?
	What did she say?
	What was that like?
	What did she say?
	She addressed the wine scene.
	I met her pre.
	I met her pre.
	And I remember we were at the, it was at a Christmas party from my cousin.
	And I remember seeing her and immediately jerking off on the Christmas tree.
	So I think I really understand.
	It's her, bro.
	She elicited something inside, dude.
	I saw her and I glazed that fucking tree immediately.
	No, no, but she's, I'll joke as I, she's friends with Bill.
	You know, Bill Schultz, a guy who was on his name, he was on like Red Iron shit.
	But yeah, they've been friends forever.
	And he told me, yeah, that was the fucking girl.
	She's like a news.
	She's like a broadcaster.
	She's like on like a Fox 11 or something in LA.
	Yo, jerking off on a reporter is bold.
	No, no, on the trees.
	It's literally her job to tell people.
	Wait, what's your job title?
	Report.
	The pressure you got.
	Hopefully we don't remember this.
	I hope it shoots.
	Yeah, I mean, yeah, I don't, whatever.
	Don't ever stop.
	Don't forget to stop me.
	No, this is the place where you have to lose, yo.
	Yeah.
	Patrons?
	True.
	True.
	Now, it's funny that him and Louie are in the same sentence all the time.
Policy Genius Home Insurance Tips 00:03:11
	Right.
	Harvey Weinstein and Louie.
	Because Louie did nothing for those girls.
	And then me.
	Oh, oh, and then me.
	It goes like that.
	Louie did nothing for that.
	That's such a funny dick.
	Those girls got amazing.
	I mean, in terms of career, like Louie did absolutely jack shit for those girls.
	Oh, my God.
	Harvey did everything.
	Harvey the hero.
	Harvey's a hero.
	Harvey the hero.
	That's his nickname.
	Harvey was doing more than jerking off, though.
	Oh, yeah, no, he was a little wacky.
	No, but he was getting wacky.
	There's no question.
	He was getting wacky.
	He got a little rowdy.
	I love the role.
	They got the role, though.
	They got the role.
	That's very important.
	They got the role.
	At the end of the day, he delivers the neuters.
	At the end of the day, shit, there's nothing you can say about it.
	I thought you're talking my language.
	Now I get your point.
	You threw that in.
	I understand what you're saying.
	Oh, my God.
	All right.
	I'm going to take a second.
	I need to talk to you guys about something.
	I think this is very important here.
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	I'm a homeowner.
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	There is this company called Policy Genius.
	And they basically reimagine the entire process.
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	Then Policy Genius will compare your policy against options from top insurers to make sure you're getting the right insurance coverage at the best possible price.
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	Make sure you're getting the best price.
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Audition Stories and Packet Fronts 00:15:17
	Okay, back to the show.
	Hey, Kay, one funny Louis thing, you know, really won me back over on Louis or won me over is when he opened one of his shows after the scandal with, I like jerking off and I don't like to be alone.
	I always hate to be alone, which is even shorter and better.
	And I hate being alone.
	So good.
	He's the best.
	He's the best.
	What was your opening joke?
	Nap, do you still do it?
	Do you still reference it when you go on stage?
	Yeah, I talk about it sometimes.
	Okay, the first week after it happened, you're still going on stage.
	What was your opening joke?
	Can you say it?
	Are you going to give it away?
	No, I can say it.
	I'm not doing it.
	They published it in the fucking USA Today.
	What was the opening of the day?
	They came to my show and recorded my sets the first fucking TMZ was there.
	I was walking through the city.
	I came into the club and they were like, Shay, Che, Jay.
	And I was like, what the fuck are you guys doing here?
	The first thing I said was I was like, I am sorry.
	Like, I was, I didn't mean to offend anybody, but I want you guys to know I am reading all of my death threats in an Asian accent.
	So they are still funny.
	And then now I talk about how like I'll do shows and I kind of got to address being racist up front.
	Like, if I'm doing shows, I'm going to be like, hey, everybody, I'm not racist.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And I always see like black audience members like, fuck.
	I mean, and then I run into them after the show and they're like, man, what'd you do?
	I'm like, Asians.
	And they're always like, Asians?
	They got you on Asians?
	They got me on Asians.
	That's fucking annoying.
	Did you jewels, Blacks, and gays?
	Let me get you out of here quick.
	The Asians is.
	Did you actually want to be on SNL?
	Was it a dream?
	When I was young, yes.
	When I got into stand-up, no.
	Because I never thought, I mean, you look at SNL, it's like, that's not me.
	I'll never be on that.
	Who are they casting?
	What are they doing?
	It's not me at all.
	And then as soon as like, so they, they, my agents asked me, do you want to do SNL?
	And I was like, no.
	Then SNL sent me a packet.
	I didn't even do it.
	A packet described.
	A writing packet.
	Oh, sorry.
	Yeah.
	A writer's packet.
	It's just like, here, write like five, six sketches.
	You've also, I talked to a guy who wrote on SNL, and he was like, if you don't know, I'm not going to say his name because I don't want to make him look better.
	He's like, if you don't know the fucking people involved, that packet does nothing.
	Right.
	But just describe what a packet is.
	So a packet is essentially.
	It's like you write out these sketches and it's like homework.
	It's like an essay.
	Write us 10 sketches, create three characters, and then submit everything.
	They're basically seeing what you can offer.
	Yeah, write a couple sketches and there's, yeah.
	And then I said, I just didn't do it.
	They sent it to me.
	I just didn't fill it out.
	And then finally, they saw me perform a couple times at like JFL and Cluster Fest and all that shit.
	And they were like, we just, we want you to audition.
	So I was like, yeah, I'll fucking do that.
	So you go in and audition on like the main stage at SNL.
	Dude, as soon as I did that, I was like, I want this shit so bad.
	Like as soon as you see SNL, it's like, fuck.
	This is fucking awesome.
	And then, yeah, I mean, once it started, I knew I got it too.
	I knew I got it.
	What do you mean?
	Like, you walked out of the audition saying I killed that shit?
	Well, that night I ran into Che and he was like, yeah, because I was like, damn, I felt nervous because my fucking hand was shaking with the mic.
	What did you do?
	Can you have me do that?
	Oh, I just did five, five.
	You show up to the audition.
	How many people are there?
	The whole studio is empty except for a table of like writers and lawyers.
	Now, how many comics are there for the audition?
	I would say six.
	The rest are like improv and shit like that.
	Okay.
	So six comics are there.
	Total.
	Yeah.
	Now they have already done a bunch of preliminary auditions.
	This is the final audition.
	And so you're at the final.
	You went right.
	You skipped.
	I went straight to the testing.
	Okay.
	Straight to the testing.
	You go out, you do stand-up in front of them.
	Yeah.
	Now, a lot of people don't realize this, but doing stand-up in front of six people in a big empty studio.
	It fucks up your timing because you're not used to laughs not lasting that long or silence at a certain punchline, etc.
	So it could really fuck up your delivery.
	Do you stutter?
	Do you forget lines?
	Did it fuck anything up?
	It was definitely like, it was funny because you're supposed to perform as if they're not there.
	You're supposed to perform as if the studio is there and there's just a fucking camera, camera right in front of you and a camera on the studio.
	You're snagging and he laughs.
	And a guy holding a fucking boom above you.
	So you're just standing there and you got to pretend the studio's there.
	And like, I was like, I could feel my fucking hand shaking because of the adrenaline and shit, which hasn't happened since I like started.
	Yeah.
	There was that.
	Also, you don't see the stage until you walk in.
	So they keep everybody auditioning outside in green rooms and shit.
	And then until you're on stage is the only time you see it.
	You walk in the room and it's like, whoa, whoo, there it is.
	And that's the first time you see Lorne Michaels and everybody's sitting there and it's like, holy fuck.
	It's real.
	And then, yeah.
	So when the table would laugh, I was like looking, pretending there was an audience.
	And then the table would laugh and I'd be like, go back to telling jokes.
	But I was also told that they never laughed and they laughed throughout my set.
	So I was like, so you felt confident?
	That's pretty good.
	And then I ran into Michael Che later and he was like, that was really good.
	And I was like, my fucking hand was shaking.
	He was like, you were the most comfortable one by far.
	And that helped me a lot because I didn't care about getting it.
	Right.
	So the whole time I was just like, I don't give a fuck.
	And all these other, like these improv kids from like Second City in Chicago were like crying.
	Yeah.
	I was just, I was like, I'm never going to get it.
	It has to be, it has to be SNL.
	Maybe they get into acting, but that's almost even more difficult.
	We have stand-up.
	We can go tour.
	We can do shows.
	We can make a living.
	There's other options for us, but they don't.
	So you go, you do it.
	Che's like, I think you got it.
	Che, I ran into him at Bird Luger.
	Okay.
	That night.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And he was like, you were the funniest one.
	He was like, you were the funniest one, but that means you probably didn't get it.
	Like, he was just fucking with me.
	He was making fun of me.
	And so I was like, I think I fucking got it.
	I think I got it.
	And then you go, you get callbacks to go meet everybody.
	If you get a callback, you go in and meet all the producers and writers and shit.
	Yeah.
	And it was me and three other kids that they were all improv.
	And they, first off, were sitting there waiting because after you meet everybody, you sit in Lauren's office and wait for like two hours.
	It's like this intentional.
	The whole thing's intentional to fuck you up and make you like nervous.
	They try to make you nervous.
	Like before the audition.
	To see who can handle it.
	You wait for like five hours.
	Which is funny.
	But they should, right?
	It's like, we need to see who has the brass ball.
	Yeah, I mean, this is going to be on live TV.
	We want to see if you don't feel like it's a little bit more.
	You're going to be next to Leonardo Caprio on live TV.
	Okay.
	So if you can't handle an audition with five people in an empty room, you're fucked.
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	So you're in that situation.
	So anyway, we're waiting for Lauren to come in and talk to us one by one.
	And they're like, these three improv kids are sitting there like talking about how they didn't like Chappelle's special.
	And I was just like, well, we're not going to get along.
	Because that was fucking, that was a really good special.
	You're crazy.
	And they're like, well, it's just like, it's so backwards what he's saying.
	It's just like, you guys are fucking out of control.
	But anyway, he brings them in one at a time.
	One kid he just sent home.
	One kid he didn't even meet.
	And that was tough to watch.
	That's fucking.
	They're like, no, you're good.
	You can head out.
	And he sends out like an assistant.
	What did he do?
	Did he like make Asian jokes on a podcast?
	No, that would have got him in the room.
	You think that kid was like, what the fuck?
	Oh, I guarantee all everybody I auditioned with was like, fuck him.
	Yeah.
	Somebody wrote a fucking article that interviewed one of them.
	And what is it?
	Like somebody that auditioned with me that was like kind of shitting on me a little bit.
	Really?
	It's like, well, you didn't get it.
	Of course, that's why he shit.
	So then I go in.
	And so then he interviews the other two, sends one of them home, and then I stay by myself for another hour.
	And I was like, all right, I definitely fucking got it.
	If they're singling me out and making me wait ugly, it's like, fuck.
	This is crazy.
	Go in, talk to him.
	Lauren Michaels is the fucking man.
	He is the fucking man.
	Really?
	He is the fucking man.
	Why?
	What is it?
	I don't know.
	He's just, he's a fucking guy.
	Funny, charismatic.
	I mean, obviously he's carries.
	I don't know him.
	No, but he is.
	He's just cool.
	He's just an old, cool guy.
	And he, like, I would call him throughout the whole process and we'd both be like, oh, fuck, this is crazy.
	He'd be like, this is crazy.
	Like, he was, I don't know.
	He was very nice.
	I don't think it was up to him.
	What do you say about the conspiracy theorists who are like, who say things like, they knew that he had, like, they must have done background checks.
	They knew that he had said this and they thought it would just be great PR for the show.
	No, it was horrible PR.
	It was.
	Yeah.
	And also, I know it was wrong.
	When I got there, they were like, did they vet you?
	Like, NBC had publicists call me the day before.
	They made the decision like two days before it got announced.
	So there was almost no time to vet me.
	They also were like, they only checked Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
	They're not checking podcasts.
	Right.
	Because who wants to listen?
	Who the fuck has a podcast?
	Nobody's going to listen to a thousand hours, even though, like I said, four minutes in, you would have got me.
	Yeah, yeah.
	So they were like, yeah, we checked your social media and everything.
	I don't post jokes on social media.
	Right.
	Like, I don't have Twitter jokes or anything like that.
	I have almost no stand-up online.
	I had nothing online.
	Right.
	So they were like, yeah, you'll be fine.
	And I was like, you sure?
	You guys fucking checked everything?
	And they were like, why?
	I was like, well, I have a podcast where I say like retard and gay.
	And they were like, no, that's fine.
	Yeah.
	Interesting.
	So you suggested it to them.
	I did, but I, well, I just knew I never said the N-word.
	So I was like, I'm fine.
	You'll be fine.
	I'm fine.
	That's what I thought, too.
	Yeah.
	I was like, no N-words on the record.
	Or the F-word.
	On the record.
	Before the year.
	And then, yeah, and I was on the fucking, I got the call from Lauren that was like, you got the job.
	You're going to go straight to cast, which I was like, whoa, that's crazy.
	So you could have been auditioning just to write.
	You didn't even know what you were auditioning for.
	No, almost everybody goes to writing first for a year to watch the show and be around the show to figure out how it works.
	I was going straight to cast.
	Whoa.
	Yeah.
	He really wanted to use me for because they don't have anybody like me on the show.
	Right.
	They don't have a fucking guy that could go on stage and be like, Trump fucking rules.
	Right, right, right.
	And that's what they need for the election coming up because right now it's just Democrats jerking off.
	Do you think if they had you write for a year, nobody would have cared?
	I think that guy would have posted that, but they wouldn't have fired me.
	It wouldn't have been a news story.
	But the fact that it's like, this kid is going to be on the show.
	He's going to be there weekly.
	All of a sudden, it's a good thing.
	But the guy who did it has like the weirdest obsession with SNL.
	He like always goes after Michael Che.
	He always goes after Lauren Michaels.
	Like this guy is obsessed with the show.
	So he would have got me right away writing, but nobody would have cared.
	Yeah, I don't think.
	Yeah, I don't think.
	I mean, none of us can name a writer on the show that's just a writer.
	I mean, I can't.
	Yeah, but the general public is not going, oh my God, get that writer off.
	I think the general public thinks that the actors on the show write all the sketches.
	They wouldn't have announced me.
	They wouldn't have even announced me.
	Does it make you think this was meant to be this way?
	What do you mean?
	The timing of this whole thing.
	You get this cast, this part so close to the election that Lauren is like, I mean, obviously you're funny.
	You don't have to take anything away from me.
	Put him straight on the show.
	We can't fuck around making him a writer here.
	We can use him right away.
	If you were a writer, you're fine.
	You're still on SNL.
	You're still making money.
	You get on the show in a year.
	You're good.
	Yeah.
	It all kind of had to happen this way, it feels like.
	How so?
	Like, for what to take?
	What do you mean?
	I mean, whatever's going to happen.
	I think right now you told me your Patreon is doing very well.
	So that's coming with my life.
	Yes, yeah.
	And you're the story of your life.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	This had to happen this way.
	It's like supposed to happen this way.
	Yeah, I don't know.
	I would be a fucking intolerable dickhead if I got it.
	If I was like, yeah, fucked, I wouldn't be here.
	You guys can call my fucking age.
	Try to set something up.
	So you needed the humble.
	He's always going to get Pete on this show.
	Well, I mean, I was, yes.
	I mean, it helps to be humble, but it helps with comedy.
	I've always only wanted to do stand-up.
	Right.
	And, I mean, the podcast I love, but dude, I was watching you, and I don't want to give away your bit, but I was watching you the other night, and it was the first time that I really felt bad about the situation.
	Like, obviously, I felt bad, but I knew you were going to be fine.
	And from when we were speaking, I could tell that you were like what I mean by a real stand-up, meaning like someone who wouldn't give stand-up up once they got success outside of stand-up, right?
	So I was like, he's going to be all right.
	And if he's smart, he'll learn how to flip this and like turn this and kind of use this.
	But you were telling, you were doing the joke about your sister being a heroin addict and having like a kid and a crack addict and your dad being an alcoholic.
	And I was like, holy shit, like he was about to like switch generational problems with this show.
	And then it was taken like, I think the way it was spun is that you were just like some like rich Pennsylvania like Trump guy that lost an opportunity.
	You're not like one of these Harvard SNL guys.
	You're the complete opposite of the whites on SNL, right?
	Yes.
	And here was the opportunity to like change everything.
	This is the dramatic story I saw myself in my head.
	Here's this opportunity to like change everything and fucking take it away, man.
	Take it away.
	No, I was like, oof.
	The thing is, is that, yeah, other opportunities, like this, I mean, you're going to be fine.
	I'm not like.
	Your family know, but you're the ones you feel.
	They're stuck.
	They were always stuck in the fucking mud.
	But no, they're fine.
	They're fucking, you know, my sister's got cancer and all that.
	But everything's great.
	I just went home.
	My grandma died.
	My grandma died last week.
	My sister's going through chemo, doesn't have hair.
	It's fun.
	It's fun.
	Same sister.
	Heroin sister or no.
	Damn.
	Guys, things are.
	I shouldn't have said it.
	Said what?
	Newton.
	You know, I could have helped pay for my sister's medical bills.
	Or I could have got some health insurance.
	But, you know, that blogger from Brooklyn was right.
	I should quit.
	He's from Brooklyn?
	I think so.
	I thought he was in L.A. if he here.
	He might live there now.
	Yeah, we're trying to beat up comedy writers.
	Comedy writers, comedy bloggers.
	My fault, not comedy writers.
	So if he lives in Brooklyn, I mean, it's on the right side.
	I don't want to afford anybody.
	Not literally, I'm sure.
Apologies That Cannot Be Made 00:06:52
	He's safe in bitch-ass Brooklyn.
	Yeah.
	He's not in black Brooklyn.
	Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes.
	He's in vegan Brooklyn.
	He's in vegan Brooklyn.
	Yeah.
	Where they moved all the black people out and then complain about what racist people say.
	He knows who to pick on, though.
	Like, he's not going to talk about any of the hood rooms for sure.
	And you could hear definitely.
	You could hear tons of racist jokes over there, but he's not talking about any of the hood comedy rooms.
	You will not live in Brooklyn talking about those dudes.
	They operate differently.
	You ain't saying nothing about Brooklyn Mike.
	He's not saying nothing about Brooklyn Mike.
	He's not saying nothing about Smokey.
	He's not saying any of these dudes.
	Not going at Capone.
	They will handle it differently.
	They didn't even ever talk shit on him.
	Yeah.
	I was just like, that's acceptable.
	I'm not fucking.
	Yeah, I just don't care.
	I've always said this.
	I'm not the comic in the room, but I've always said just somebody who's took in culture.
	History will not look fondly on these type of people who are like on censorship motherfuckers.
	We always remember the people who broke those rules and took those risks and all this.
	Nobody ever remembers.
	Hey, remember that guy that wrote that article?
	He's a soccer mom, burning MRT.
	You are the guys who want to throw Benny Bruce in jail.
	You are all those people.
	Oh, we slapped the parental advisory stick on Uncle Luke's album and we celebrate that shit.
	Nobody talks about fucking.
	Oh, remember when Tipper Gore was trying to make sure that it fucking happened?
	Like, nobody kills a fuck.
	Yeah.
	You know, so, I mean, you'll be fine.
	That reminds me, though, I do want it publicly known that I think saying I push boundaries was corny.
	I am ashamed of that.
	In the apology, I'm a comedian who pushes boundaries.
	That sucked.
	That did suck.
	I had five minutes to write that apology.
	Did you know you were getting fired when you wrote the apology?
	I knew I was getting fired the whole time.
	So, was there a party that I was like, fuck the apology?
	Well, that kind of was the apology.
	I said, anybody actually offended?
	I'm sorry.
	I don't think anybody was actually offended.
	No.
	In the apology, I've been getting criticized for a non-apology because it was a non-apology.
	That was not an apology.
	So I would say, if that's the route you're going to go, is there a party that's like, fuck, fuck a thinly veiled non-apology?
	It's like, yo, if you're offended, that's kind of on you.
	You didn't listen to the podcast.
	That's your decision.
	You can feel that way, but it wasn't that.
	Well, here's the thing.
	So that night, when this whole thing broke, I was on my way to do a show.
	I got a call from my agent that was like, did you say, let the fucking Chinks live in Chinatown?
	And I was like, no.
	I would never fucking, that's crazy.
	I would never say that.
	And then I listened to the clip and I was like, oh, I was using like an old-timey voice.
	I was like, man, let the fucking Chinx live there.
	I was like, that's how I said it.
	I wouldn't say it for, that wouldn't be a real thought.
	You were making fun of the character that would say this.
	Yeah.
	But so then I listened to it and I was like, oh, fuck.
	So then the whole thing was.
	I'm 100% believable with your fix.
	Shane your name.
	Shane ain't helping.
	Shane, a country-ass name.
	I really think that's it.
	You just got a racist-ass face-to-face, I had chewing tobacco in my mouth when I said I gotta dip in during that podcast.
	Did you really?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, it wasn't good.
	Oh, God.
	Yeah, you as white as it gets, dog.
	Yeah, look for your lips this whole podcast.
	If I was that type of black dude, I'd rob you.
	You look like the Robin type.
	No, you don't want to rob these guys.
	Nah, he's a big dude.
	Yeah, Shane dips.
	His face has real soft features around the face.
	Yeah, but this is the shit.
	He's the guy that comes back with firemen.
	I'm going to ask farmers, yo.
	No, coming back.
	There's different whites.
	You want to rob the Harvard.
	You want to rob private school whites.
	The kid who wrote the article about him.
	Those are the guys that get robbed.
	No, you beat those guys up.
	They got daddy's money, yo.
	I'd be very robbable.
	Yeah.
	I would have put up a fight.
	All you would get was like 10 bucks and a can of skull.
	Hey.
	It's about the principle.
	A flip phone.
	But no, I got to the all this shit broke out.
	Fuck, I forgot what I was talking about.
	It's a call from your agent.
	Oh, yeah.
	So then NBC calls and is like, we need an apology right now or you're fucked.
	We need an apology that's like, this is inexcusable, what I said.
	And racism is never acceptable, like all this shit.
	And I was like, I didn't realize I was on the phone with them.
	Also, it was in a group text where it was like, this is inexcusable.
	And I was like, but I fucking, I have an excuse.
	I was trying to be funny.
	And they were like, what?
	I didn't know they were on the line.
	Also, I thought I was just talking to my agent.
	I was like, tell them to shut the fuck up.
	I have an excuse.
	And they were like, what?
	And I was like, well, all right.
	It was just a phone call.
	No, I didn't know.
	It was just a mess.
	That's the first thing you say.
	It's a fucking episode of Kirby Enthusiasm.
	When you're on speakerphone, you say you're on speakerphone.
	If you're on a conference call, motherfuckers are about to fire you.
	So you say, hey, I got SNL on the line.
	No, it's the NBC publication.
	Who's this agent, yo?
	90 phone calls.
	It was chaos.
	It's a lot.
	It's a lot.
	I can see.
	I can see that's valid.
	Do you have a new agent?
	It was not an ill head.
	You're booking all this stuff by yourself?
	I have management.
	Ah, your management.
	Your management did not leave you.
	Management did not.
	Shouts to your management.
	Who's your management?
	AGI.
	Shout out AG.
	Oh, shout out to AGI.
	Yo, you with Becky?
	Yeah.
	Becky, my girl.
	Yo, Becky Ass fan.
	Love you, Becky.
	Oh, that's what's up.
	You were with Becky.
	I was with Becky.
	I shouldn't have left, clearly.
	Things work out.
	Loyalty.
	Loyalty.
	So, yeah, NBC's calling and saying, you need to apologize.
	Then I'm talking to other people that are like, you can't apologize.
	Like, I was like, I can't apologize.
	Yeah.
	I cannot apologize.
	And then Lauren, NBC calls me and is like, you either apologize now or you're fired.
	Maybe NBC is not the right platform.
	And I was like, maybe it's not, but let me talk to Lauren before this, before anything goes forward.
	So then I talked to him and he's like, again, he's the man.
	He's like, no, don't fucking apologize.
	Like, just give me something in the next five minutes so I can keep this alive for another day.
	Right.
	So he was trying for you.
	Yeah, he was.
	So that night I wrote that, where it was like, I push boundaries and like all that.
	I didn't mind that.
	I had five fucking minutes.
	I didn't want you to do it.
	But I understand why.
	If Lauren Michaels is saying, I'm going to fight for you for a day.
	Let me try.
	Just give me something.
	Out of respect, you do it.
	Yeah, there's a lot of people.
	I mean, I was literally, there was a lady from NBC screaming.
	Yeah.
	She's like, why are you throwing this away?
	All you have to do is apologize.
	And I was like, I can't.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	But if Lauren asks, it's different because he's really putting his shit on the line, too.
	Yeah.
	And if I, you know, if I come out of it.
	And he obviously believe in you, like putting you straight to cast and all that shit.
	Like, yeah, I obviously believe in you a lot.
	So, yeah.
	What do you want to do next?
Blue Chew and Stand Up Comedy 00:04:47
	Saturday a lot.
	No.
	Visit the Great Wall of China, man.
	Mac TV, actually.
	I just want to keep doing stand-up.
	I want to, you know, put out a special in like a year.
	And that's it.
	Just keep doing stand-up.
	Keep doing the podcast.
	Podcast doing well.
	Podcast is doing well.
	Thank you.
	Matt Brunch's secret podcast.
	Did Matt get any shit?
	Because Matt was saying shit was way more wide.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Matt was, Matt's in college.
	He's studying right now.
	So he got like, his school was like.
	How old are you?
	We kick him out.
	I'm 31.
	How old is he?
	He's getting his master's.
	He's 32.
	Okay.
	I was going to say, you a weirdo, yo.
	How's older than he was?
	Actually, yes, I have a podcast with a 17-year-old.
	Like, whoa.
	All right.
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	Sorry.
	So what were you saying?
	No, that's all.
	He just got in trouble with his school.
	Like, he had to, they had like, because colleges now are fucking insane.
	So when he got in trouble and they all recognized him in that, they were like, we need to expel him for hate speech.
	And yeah, he went through this whole thing.
	He's still going through it.
	Still going through it where he has to like meet with the dean and shit.
	It's fucking nuts.
	I know exactly what it's like.
	I've been shadow banned on Instagram for three months.
	Really?
	Same to same, you know?
	Same thing.
	Same to same.
	Same shit.
	Guys, we're going to take a break for a second, pay some bills.
	Okay.
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	Church announcements real quick.
	Maddoor tour continues.
	We're going to be in Vancouver this weekend and Edmonton.
	Okay.
	I think Edmonton, again, we're recording this a week early, but I think there might be a few tickets left.
	Go get them real quick.
	TheandrewSchultz.com.
	Vancouver's up there.
	We've added shows.
	Minnesota, we added to the tour.
	We also got New Orleans that we added to the tour.
	More shows coming as well.
	TheandrewSchultz.com.
	Go get them shits.
	We are coming to your city.
	Go to my website, and I bet you it will be there or at least somewhere close.
	So drive that ass to the show.
	Thank y'all so much.
	Akash, what y'all got?
	December 20th and 21st.
	You know what it is.
	Big Dise Energy is coming to India.
	We're going home.
	We're going to be in Mumbai at Habitat Comedy Club.
	Come through.
	January 9th.
	I am at Hilarities in Cleveland.
	Be there.
	January 14th, Stress Factory in New Brunswick.
	Schultz is going to be there.
	Eden going to be filming.
	We're going to make Kaz come.
	He lives in Jersey.
	I'll be there.
	January 15th.
	I'm at Helium in Philadelphia.
	January 28th.
	I am at Tacoma Comedy Club in Washington.
	January 29th.
	I'm at the Punchline in Sacramento.
	And January 30th through February 1st, I am at Rooster T Feathers.
	That'll do it.
	Two announcements.
	Obviously, Duce Palooza, December 13th, Brooklyn, New York.
	Tickets are flying.
	Got Cameron, Jim Jones, The Locks, Fabulous, Partisan Fontaine, Afro B, Five Offend, Swiss Beats versus Just Blaze, Massive B, Where's Nasty? Austin Mills and DJ First Choice.
	Get your tickets at DucePalooza.com slash tickets.
	And if you guys listen to Pandora, I do a great, I put together a great project with the guys Uninterrupted hosting an athlete playlist session for Sirius XM and Pandora.
	I did interviews and conducted these playlists with LeBron James, Odell Beckham, Lonzo Ball, Rob Gronkowski, Angel McCauley, Deion Waiters, Lexi Brown, Mo Bomba, Draymond Green, Nate Burlson, Shanae Agumikay, and Adam Ripon.
	You could get those at Pandora.com.
	Download the app.
	You'll get a free premium trial as soon as you get it.
	And we're back.
	Shane.
	What's up?
	Thank you for coming on, man.
Plastic Whales and Ocean Cleanup 00:08:25
	I'm glad we actually got to do this.
	I'm glad that you're doing the podcast.
	I know it was a minute before you got.
	I saw you on Legion of Skanks.
	I think that was when I realized, okay, he's out there.
	He's talking.
	Yeah, man.
	He's talking to the folks.
	Yeah, I wanted to take a minute because also, like, I didn't want to do serious conversations because it's kind of fucking embarrassing, especially like CNN wanted to talk.
	Fucking Andrew Yang wanted to sit down and talk.
	I remember you saying that Yang wanted to talk.
	Yeah.
	And then whatever happened to that?
	Because I thought that I told you, be careful with that one.
	Yeah, I didn't.
	It seemed like a setup.
	It could be a setup.
	No, it wasn't.
	He's still getting shit for it because he publicly was like, Shane should keep his job.
	Yeah.
	He knows what he's doing.
	He's trying to tap into this.
	I mean, he also works for SNL, so it's like the same thing.
	He's the newest gas person.
	But he was using it as not using it, but he's using it as an opportunity to appeal to those people that are a little disillusioned by Trump, but they don't like the Elizabeth Warrens or these kind of like batty, super left-wing folks.
	But I think he also feels that way about cancel culture and shit.
	Yeah.
	He genuinely is like, we need to cut this shit out.
	We have bigger.
	A lot of people have been doing it.
	It's climate change.
	Yeah.
	Way more important shit.
	I don't even...
	I mean, we can discuss.
	Here's my thing about all this climate change shit is that like it's December.
	Human beings, we don't solve problems that are in the future.
	We're really good at solving problems.
	They just have to be happening now.
	We need urgency.
	Urgency.
	That's how we survive.
	We're all about urgency, right?
	So, once the climate change actually hits some places we give a fuck about, we don't care about Nineveh in the top of Canada, right?
	We don't care about the South Pole.
	Yeah, once it actually hits Jersey, once it hits LA, if it hits Malibu.
	Well, if we get another hurricane, then we got to do something.
	Not if it hits, not if it hits Jerry.
	If that tropical storm, like, fuck this up.
	And I was just like, yo, people were at the shore the next summer, dude.
	It didn't stop the reality show, let alone New Jersey.
	It fucked up like the R-train deep in Brooklyn.
	Come on, yo.
	We'd never care about that.
	Come on, yo.
	We don't care about Conarci.
	Exactly.
	If it doesn't go there, it doesn't go there.
	So the point is, it's true.
	So the point is, once it actually affects us, I guarantee we'll find a way to throw some shit in the sky, cool things down, heat things up, whatever.
	Do you want me to get in?
	Dead ass, bro.
	I promise you we will solve it.
	Send a bunch of oil drillers up to the moon.
	Simple as that.
	I have 100% confidence whenever there's a real.
	That's the problem with.
	That's the thing with Elon Musk.
	Is this motherfucker's trying to solve problems that aren't here yet?
	Like the electric car, you're like, well, eventually we're going to run out of oil.
	Well, until then, room for it up.
	Do you know what I mean?
	Like, it's not.
	Hold up, hold up.
	Hold on, now.
	We're Tesla owners, yo.
	You got it.
	Yo, yo, we are Tesla, bro.
	We are my owners, bro.
	You got the new Tesla, dude?
	Yeah, of course.
	Bro, you got it.
	Yo, just buy it right now.
	A cyber truck looks fine.
	$100 a buck for a dog.
	Refundable.
	$100.
	$100.
	Yes.
	Really?
	Tesla truck.
	Yeah.
	Everybody buy Teslas right now.
	Just get in a Tesla game.
	Alex, get Tesla, $100.
	And that puts you, what, on the waiting list?
	There's no waiting list.
	It's yours, but if you want that money back, get that money back.
	Wait, wait.
	The Tesla truck costs $100.
	No.
	You just put $100 down to flex on the Graham.
	All right.
	Okay, so you did it.
	I did it.
	I'm down.
	Yo, let's order these Teslas.
	I worked in Tesla, gang.
	Listen, but we're only doing it because it looks dope.
	Okay, we're not doing it to save the environment or because some sweet truck looks like Squat said it.
	I think it looks amazing.
	I was just around the world.
	Have you heard her?
	Have you seen this?
	She's taking a catamaran around the whole world.
	She took a catamaran to Portugal to complain about climate shit.
	Yeah, son, I thought a catamaran was an instrument that white people played.
	I did not know that shit is a boat.
	First of all, white people don't play instruments.
	Asians do.
	Okay.
	Second of all, fuck you.
	Bro, they are nice with the violin.
	Don't say that.
	Catarin, Mandarin, whatever.
	They love the Mandarin so much, they named the language after it.
	And an orange.
	Look, I hate the Star Wars shit.
	That is the Asian trying to learn English.
	Mandalori.
	So, yeah, I just don't.
	I think, I think that Louis really hit on something with the Parkland kids that he made a great point that everybody wasn't ready for yet, which is like, why are we listening to kids?
	And we don't need to listen to kids about literally anything.
	Not about the environment, not about guns, not about none of that shit.
	Like, if kids say anything except that someone's fucking molesting them, we don't need to listen to them.
	That's the only thing we should listen to kids about ever.
	I'm being molested, and then we go, okay.
	It is true.
	You don't know anything, most kids.
	There's like 1% geniuses out there, like 0.1% geniuses out there.
	This girl, I think she's retarded or like she's something, right?
	She has something.
	What is she doing in the ocean, though?
	Is she cleaning up the plastic or is the bitch just moving?
	Bro, because she doesn't want to use gas.
	Yeah.
	So she's taking a catamaran.
	Well, it's supposed to be symbolic.
	She's supposed to be like, it's almost like fucking like Sparrow's gun running around the world.
	Look at this, the triumph of the human spirit.
	We can all be like this children.
	White people got the oddest ways to raise funds, like to raise awareness and funds.
	Like, hey, let's have a $2,000 a plate dinner.
	Yes.
	To save ice water on ourselves.
	Yeah, let's put ice water on ourselves.
	It's such an odd fucking stuff.
	We're fucking trying.
	What are you guys doing?
	We're not pretending to give a fuck.
	Which is much better.
	Why don't we give a fuck about black people?
	Real talk.
	White people are not the ones ruining the environment.
	That's what I'm saying.
	Wait, wait, wait.
	Time out.
	It's Asians.
	He's cracked.
	Does it use that much gas to make neuters?
	What's going on?
	Yeah.
	It does.
	Bro.
	For six billion people, it does.
	There's literally no ozone lure.
	Ozone rare?
	There's no ozone rare.
	There's no ozone rare.
	Because I'm neuters.
	Dude, it's something about it, bro.
	It's something about it.
	Oh, my God.
	But real talk.
	Black people didn't build those fucking Simpsons nuclear towers.
	No, I don't think Africa's fucked up.
	No, we're here.
	The nuclear towers are not hurting us.
	No.
	No, nuclear tower is good.
	Yeah.
	As long as it's ultra noble fuel, it's inside.
	China's fucking shit up.
	India's probably fucked up.
	And we don't give a fuck about the environment.
	No one's going back to Africa.
	We don't give a fuck.
	I'm aware of this, but the Asians actually don't give a fuck more than you guys.
	Okay?
	Because they're industrialized.
	Are they close?
	India and India and China.
	India is really fucking up.
	When you go to India with.
	I'm going to try to take you at some point soon.
	Yes.
	You're going to be like, oh, this fucking smog everywhere, son.
	There's not a lot of fresh.
	You could come back and environmentalists.
	Every time I go back to India, I'll be quiet about it because I don't want to be annoying.
	But every time I come back, like, yo, we got to recycle.
	So here's my question.
	Tiger.
	We got a tiger.
	So here's my question.
	Why doesn't the Swedish girl float her ass to China or India and tell them to do it if we're doing it right?
	Why is she telling us?
	Aren't we doing it right over here?
	I'm not trying to joke around at all.
	Why?
	Or clean up the plastic along the way, yo?
	Like, do something.
	Don't just sail.
	Huh?
	You're in the ocean.
	It's mad plastic in the ocean.
	Clean that shit up.
	No, I think the whales eat all the plastic.
	That's another thing about the whales eating the plastic.
	It cleans it up.
	They don't have to live for life.
	They're recycling.
	That's the recycle.
	Bro, what do they do?
	They do nothing.
	You know what they do?
	They do that sonar shit, which has got to annoy the fuck out of all the other animals.
	Imagine you're just trying to swim around peacefully, and then you have this.
	Are you talking about black people right now?
	Jesus, where's the black people?
	What's in the ocean, bro?
	Oh, like the first two slides.
	We could just come outside.
	Kill it.
	He said, kill it at Amazon.
	I want the first two slots.
Sixth Grade Security Embarrassment 00:11:03
	I'm like, damn, I got to take him out.
	Wait, no, you didn't let me slide.
	Dance.
	Yo, but real talk.
	You haven't seen them gangs of killer whales rolling around throwing up fucking signs with their dorsal.
	Big trust.
	Big trust.
	Swoop dorsal fit.
	Telecom telecom, bro.
	Real talk.
	That shit is yammy game, bro.
	Dude, it is a mess.
	Seventh Cavalry whales.
	Watchmen.
	Watchmen's a lot shit.
	Watchmen, man.
	I'm trying to get into it.
	Point being.
	That's a lot to do.
	Point being.
	Point being.
	There's places where she could go that would be more effective.
	Why isn't she going there?
	Because she don't really care.
	People don't really care.
	It's a marketing ploy.
	That's what they do now.
	They take kids.
	They make kids do all the arguments for them because you can't tell kids to shut up.
	Right?
	So the gun control, they're like, we got to get rid of guns.
	And they're like, shut the fuck up.
	And then they go, all right, you kids that got shot up, say, get away with guns.
	We're like, oh, we'll listen to you.
	They basically did.
	Say what?
	They basically did tell them to shut the fuck up.
	Which ones?
	They never told the kids.
	With gun control, Louie did.
	They had like what's the one girl, the bald chick that was like doing all the fucking speeches and shit.
	Yeah, I remember her.
	Yeah, like they haven't changed shit.
	Yo, there was a lot of stuff.
	There's one kid.
	So Alex and I did a fashion video in Boston where we shot Jack Burke.
	Shout out to Jack.
	Where we shot him with these fake guns at the end.
	And one of the Parkland kids followed me and liked it.
	And he was like, fashion.
	The Kyle Kush.
	No shit.
	That kid likes me too.
	There's like Love Trump that was in Parkland.
	That nobody talks about.
	Literally, the end of the video is us shooting him as he runs away.
	And the kid was like, fashion.
	Dude, that kid, but he's Kyle Kushev.
	He's like met the brain.
	He's out at the White House now.
	Shit.
	Yeah.
	He's like, you know what would have helped us at Parkland?
	Guns?
	That kid rules.
	Has anybody asked them how to survive school shooting?
	They would know.
	Just don't.
	Now you want to listen to him.
	I would.
	I would like, how did you make it?
	What did you do different?
	That's what I would know.
	You saw it happen.
	What did you do?
	You didn't go, put down your weapons, right?
	It was like there was, what did you do to keep yourself safe?
	Did you just get lucky?
	He didn't enter your room?
	What happened?
	Was Parkland the one where there was a security guard that didn't go in?
	Yes.
	Dude, I also, I would have talked to him, too.
	Give him some credit for sitting out back and be like, nope, no.
	But I think they arrested him, right?
	They're like, shit, you got to get fucking arrested for that.
	It's your one job.
	You have one job in case there's a school you are going there.
	You could end this right now.
	He's like, yo, I'm sitting in a golf cart out back.
	He's like, everyone's safe.
	Y'all are good.
	Fuck.
	I got to get in there.
	Or I don't.
	Or, you know, or just roll the dice on this.
	Just knock away.
	Hear me out.
	Hear me out, guys.
	Hear me out, guys.
	What if I just don't go in there?
	Maybe you'll get tired.
	I'm security perimeter.
	I'm security perimeter.
	Make sure none of them go.
	Oh, my God.
	There's not any more of them coming in.
	I don't get paid for interior security.
	I mean, how much do you think he was getting paid?
	Honestly, that's what I'm saying.
	I'm like, yo, all right, you lost 40 grand?
	Like, what were you really making?
	Son, you ain't getting nothing, but it's just the one fucking wire.
	That's all you gotta do.
	I'm not actually defending the guy.
	I mean, it's like a teacher.
	He heard the first shot.
	He was like, no.
	No.
	Fuck.
	Did I even bring the bullets today?
	He wasn't even prepared.
	Dude, he must have been bragging to all his friends.
	Like, yo, I have the easiest job in the world.
	Dude, there's no chance.
	Who shoots up a school?
	There's no chance.
	There's like two a year.
	You know how many fucking schools there are?
	Never gonna be mine.
	Pop, pop, pop.
	You sit in a golf cart.
	CSNL, these are the sketches you missed.
	Okay?
	You could have had these.
	They could have been the security guard.
	True.
	Oh, my God.
	Yo, you'd have been sick after a while.
	You'd have been like, yo, all I'm playing is racist.
	Fuck!
	Even if there was no scandal.
	Every time I got dip in my mouth in a scene that started, I went crazy.
	They made me look like a fucking idiot in every sketch.
	Bro, they would have made you white coon.
	Yeah.
	Well said.
	Snowcoon.
	Perhaps.
	Can't Snow Coon, bro.
	Snow Coon Schulte is still my favorite nickname.
	They call me Snow Coon.
	That's pretty great.
	That's pretty great.
	I had it on my Instagram handle.
	Snocoon Schulte is some guy on Twitter.
	That guy rules.
	Dude, he's so hilarious.
	It's the most funny thing.
	And he sent a picture of a raccoon in the snow.
	It was a whole guest and everything with it.
	And I was like, it's amazing.
	I put on my Instagram and MTV or ISO.
	He stopped hating you after that.
	Some network was like, You can't have the word coon in your Instagram while I was like, All right, all right, good point.
	All right, that's true.
	How many points are you going to do?
	I'll do it.
	Gentlemen, Akash, what do we got for today?
	We haven't even talked about anything.
	Well, since we are recording this episode early, Schultz is going to be out of town next week.
	I'm going to be in India for the next two weeks doing engagement stuff and shows.
	So we did like evergreen stuff was the idea.
	Yes.
	So the ones I like, I like the greatest sports.
	What ifs?
	We can do flagrant hypotheticals.
	Did we all do our flagrant thoughts?
	Bro, there's a no, I don't think so just yet, but there was one that you said that was so funny.
	What the fuck?
	The most embarrassing rejection story from a girl?
	Yes.
	Yeah.
	And ugliest girl you're still weirdly attracted to.
	I love historical crime family that you want to be, but most embarrassing rejection you've ever had with a girl.
	I think that is.
	I think that is.
	Have you ever gotten rejected by a girl, Shane?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Most embarrassing.
	I don't know if there's a particular one.
	I can't.
	I mean, I just thought it was in my head.
	No.
	Oh, yeah.
	I got it.
	About sixth grade.
	Taking it back.
	Sixth grade.
	Now, I know you're thinking, like, yeah, it's not going to be.
	It is.
	It's not like a modern thing.
	Sixth grade, I wrote, I was obsessed with this girl.
	Yeah.
	And for some reason, like sixth grade, I loved God.
	That was the only time in my life for like one year.
	Super religious.
	I was like, Catholicism rules.
	And I fucking wrote her.
	Usually around the time that boys left Christmas.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I wrote it.
	Somebody losing right around.
	Once I started coming, I was like, get God out of here.
	Fuck this.
	I thought it was once today started coming.
	I don't know if it was you.
	And we all came.
	Yeah.
	A lot of you don't know this, but the kids come too.
	They're passionate.
	They're passionate lovers.
	Yeah, this is.
	Yeah.
	I wanted to be on the record.
	The kids, there is a G-spot in there.
	They can hit you.
	They can hit the back.
	Priests get you.
	Oh, fuck.
	But I wrote this fucking store for Jesus.
	Jesus.
	It's the J-spot.
	I wrote a fucking love letter to this chick, like a note, like if you want to start dating, and I included a Bible verse at the end of it.
	Which one?
	I'm going to pretend I don't know.
	No, say it, dude.
	Do you know?
	It was from, it's called Song of Songs.
	Do you remember?
	I don't remember the verse.
	I'm going to look at it.
	The Song of Songs is the corniest shit.
	It's like, your tits are nice.
	It's like an Old Testament song about fucking.
	And don't look it up.
	I'm looking at this.
	This is this.
	Why would I expect?
	I'm trying to tell you a nice.
	What's the word?
	So then she didn't even get it.
	My friends immediately took it out of her desk.
	And when I got to school the next day, they were waiting.
	It's destroying you.
	Yeah.
	Brutal.
	I still had.
	They all forgot about it.
	I'll never forget that.
	Of course.
	That was the worst.
	Hold on.
	I need to get this.
	I do make you stop loving God.
	I knew I was wrong as soon as they found it.
	As soon as they found it, I was like, damn, I suck.
	I can't get it.
	I'm going to kiss me with the kisses of his mouth.
	For your love is better than wine.
	Your anointing oils.
	I didn't quote that exactly.
	That's a luminous life.
	That's the gist of it.
	For your love is better than wine.
	Your anointing oils are fragrant.
	Your name is perfect.
	That sounds like a fucking Indian word online.
	Therefore, in the comment section.
	There's an Indian guy in the comment section.
	It's like your love is like sweet wine.
	Holy shit.
	Be my wife.
	It's rough.
	This is rough.
	This is a little.
	It's rough.
	This is a big buzz.
	Look, let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for thy love is better than wine, because of the savior of thy good ointment, thy name.
	I didn't write it as ointment.
	I didn't write it as well.
	Therefore, do the virgins love thee.
	Look, draw me.
	You were running somebody else's brought me into his chambers.
	Wow.
	Yeah, it was rough.
	Sixth grade you.
	Yeah, look, this is pre-9-11.
	That's how long ago this is.
	I'll apologize for this.
	I'm more sorry about this than anything I've done in my past.
	I thought it was all Quran versus.
	If I won't have you now, I'll have you in the afternoon.
	I remember that, the Quran version.
	Yeah, I saw 9-11 and converted.
	I was like, you know what?
	These guys might be on to something.
	Click.
	And click.
	That would actually throw the liberals off.
	They'd be like, wait, what the fuck?
	Wait, Muslim?
	Can we cancel him?
	Yeah.
	Kaz, best or worst rejection, most embarrassing rejection.
	I can't.
	I'll tell you.
	I said, I love you to a girl, and she said, I like you.
	It was dumb.
	And it was my girlfriend.
	Oh, my God.
	Oh, wow.
	Yeah.
	I was in high school, probably, it was either junior, maybe it was senior year of high school.
	And I said, I love you.
	And I remember going into my apartment.
	We were going into my apartment.
	So I thought I would set the mood outside of my apartment.
	And I typed in the code to open the door.
	And I stopped the door.
	And I was like, hey, I just want to let you know, I love you.
	And she looked at me in my face.
	And then she's like, wow.
	I mean, I like you.
	And I paused there for so long that the door code reset.
	So I tried to open the door and I got rejected by the fucking door as well.
	She slammed the door of love in my face and then my apartment building slammed the doors.
	Nobody wants you today.
Magic Spoon Cereal Solution 00:03:24
	I know I like that.
	I called this girl because I was on vacation and I had been dating this chick and I liked her a lot.
	And I called her and I was about to, I was bragging about her to my friends the whole time.
	I was like, me and this girl, she's so fucking hot.
	I love her.
	All this shit.
	I called her at night thinking like, this would be nice.
	She was like, I was like, hey, what's up?
	She was like, do you think we rushed into this?
	I was like, yeah, yeah, we did.
	Let's just be friends.
	I hung up.
	What the fuck just happened?
	It was fun.
	I didn't put up any fight at all.
	She was like, you think we rushed into this?
	I was like, yeah.
	That's why I was called.
	All right.
	Let's stop the show for a second because I have to tell you guys about something very, very important.
	I think I might have found the solution to breakfast.
	No bullshit.
	I think I might have found the solution to breakfast when I was a kid.
	Obviously, breakfast was cereal.
	I turned into an adult and I found out I was just ingesting hundreds of grams of sugar before I went to school.
	And then I was shocked that I couldn't pay attention at all.
	And people said I had things like ADHD.
	No, I didn't have ADHD.
	I had frosted flakes.
	That's what I had.
	Okay.
	I had cocoa puffs.
	I had cinnamon toast crunch.
	That's what you have.
	It makes you not able to function as a child in school.
	Okay.
	Well, they fixed that.
	There's a company called Magic Spoon.
	And it's a cereal company.
	And they've sent me four boxes of cereal.
	They have zero sugar, okay?
	12 grams of protein, only three grams of net carbs.
	Okay.
	I got all four flavors, cocoa, fruity, frosted, and blueberry.
	I'm telling you, the cereal is delicious.
	I was snacking on it myself, just digging my hand into that blueberry one.
	It was unbelievable.
	I probably half of the box.
	And I'm eating this and I'm like, how the hell is there no sugar?
	How the hell is this almost zero carbs?
	How the hell is it keto-friendly?
	How the hell is it gluten-free, grain-free, soy-free, low-carb, and GMO-free?
	How is this possible?
	Okay.
	I've been promised by Magic Spoon.
	They are not lying.
	It is 100% sincere.
	Breakfast has been solved.
	Use whatever milk you want.
	You like regular milk?
	You go regular milk.
	You like an oat?
	You go, oat.
	Okay.
	You like a 2%?
	You like an almond?
	You like a soy?
	You do whatever you want to do.
	Go to magicspoon.com slash flagrant.
	You grab a variety pack and you try it today.
	Be sure to use our promo code flagrant at the checkout.
	And you know what?
	You get free shipping.
	You get free shipping along with all those health benefits and something to eat in the morning.
	Go to magicspoon.com slash flagrant.
	Magic Spoon is so confident in their product that it's back with a 100% happiness guarantee.
	So if you don't like it for any reason, they're going to refund your money.
	No questions asked.
	Did you just hear that?
	Buy the cereal.
	They're so confident you're going to like it.
	They'll give you your money back if you don't.
	That's magicspoon.com slash flagrant.
	Use the code flagrant for free shipping.
	Magic Spoon, thank you so much for sponsoring Flagrant 2 and keep sending me those free boxes, okay?
	Because I'm going to keep eating, especially that blueberry.
	That thing was delicious.
	All right, back to the show.
	All right, guys, what do you got for us?
	I think you got something.
	I'm thinking, man.
	I got two.
Central Comedy Trauma Reflection 00:09:45
	One is not rejection, but it's so fucking sad in retrospect.
	All right, go.
	I was fat and ugly as a kid.
	Like, I talk about that vibe.
	Yo.
	Problem, dude.
	It was like a fucking hamster got let loose in the high school and drank the ninja turtles shit, but didn't get muscle.
	And I was the kid that the girls were like pretending they liked.
	Like this guy was like, yo, this girl likes you, blah, blah, blah.
	This is almost worse.
	This is almost worse.
	I was that guy, by the way.
	This is almost worse.
	I was so aware of the fact that there's no way she liked me that I like played along with the joke.
	I don't remember if I was like, nah, she ugly, or if I was like, oh, really?
	Yeah, we should date like sarcastically.
	But in retrospect, that's almost worse that you're that aware of your ugly.
	You're just like, it's gotta be a joke.
	Yo, stop it.
	Ain't no bitch like me.
	That's tough.
	Consequently, the first time I liked a girl, but like after girls started liking me, but I actually like one back, she didn't like me back.
	And it was like, you remember the opening scene of Hitch?
	Like what made him become Hitch is he was like his first girlfriend.
	He was just like all clingy, always trying to be around her, always calling.
	I was like that, but the girl never liked me.
	So I got this constantly texting and she's like, bro, what you want?
	Yo, leave me alone.
	I think I'll just try to hang out.
	Then at one point, I tried to be friends with her.
	Send pick of Bobs.
	Send pussy picks.
	Sex?
	No, it was just like trying to hang out all the time.
	It's like Bobs or boosts.
	Yeah, yeah.
	You never see any Indian guy in the comments?
	Yo, his comment is fire, but none of y'all get it.
	Yeah, I get it.
	Anytime, yeah.
	Anytime it's a pretty girl, I see it because Indians will find Indians.
	They're just like, marry me, please.
	I want to love you forever.
	Sexing Virgin?
	Sex?
	You sex me?
	Yeah, but I was like constantly like, yo, you want to go see a movie?
	And she's like, I'm busy.
	And never was I like, oh, she's just busy for you.
	Never did that click that I was, I was mad Indian actually early on.
	And then I was like, I was like, oh, you can't be mad.
	You're thirsty, yo.
	My bad, I need some wine.
	Hopefully white and not red.
	I was thirsty, boy.
	You gotta have something.
	I got one, but it's like, it's not great because it's like, I always shot within my range.
	So like, I never was like, I've never like overshot my shop, but there was this one time there was this girl.
	She was like, all right, looking, but she was thick.
	So I'm like, one to ten.
	She's like a five.
	Yeah.
	Five or six.
	And then, you know, we were messing around, whatever.
	And then, like, for like a couple days, like, literally, like, a week after, like, we, like, messed around for the first time, she pretty much told me, like, I was, like, too ugly for her in like so many ways.
	And I'm like, I came down for you.
	Like, I was not, like, I was, I mean, I had women, but I never really shot for the dimes until I got word that.
	I had college and shit.
	She's basically just like, you know, like, I don't understand.
	I grew up in Staten Island.
	So, like, you know, I was like one of maybe like four black guys in my school, right?
	So, like, it was almost like I knew the type of dude she was into.
	And she was just like, I just wasn't that guy.
	And she was just like, oh, well, you know, I kind of am into like Brad, whoever the fuck it was.
	She liked white guys.
	She liked white guys.
	I think I was just like one of her like little experiments.
	Right.
	And like, I got played on like a cosmetic level.
	And I'm just like, yo, I came down for you.
	Like, I've had better looking girls.
	No, I was in like middle school.
	It doesn't count.
	That sucks if you like.
	But still.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I mean, I had a pretty good run after high school and college.
	Like, I was, you know.
	Yeah.
	But we don't want to hear about the good shit.
	Yeah.
	Like, we want to hear about that.
	Alex was your share, man.
	Can I tell one of Alex's?
	Dude, Alex, we shooting his shot, bro.
	We were at this club in LA once.
	Oh, Alex, there was a girl with us, and she's, she used to play volleyball.
	She'd be like 5'11.
	And Alex is like a strong 5'9?
	No, 5'10.
	Let's say he's a strong 5'10-9, you know?
	And this girl was 5'11, plus she had heels on.
	And Alex had been trying to hit on her the whole night, and it really wasn't going that well.
	And I know I looked at him hitting on her, and Alex was standing on a stair.
	He was standing on a stair with one foot with his knee locked, so he was the height of the stair, right?
	But his other foot was on his tippy toe on the ground, the regular level.
	So he kind of looked like a flamingo, almost like one of his legs bent.
	And he was hitting on her hard, bro, in her ear coming down from above.
	Shout out to Teresa, man.
	How'd it go?
	Damn.
	Damn, you played names on her.
	It's first names, bro.
	It's first.
	Oh, man.
	Oh, gosh.
	You better not have nobody named Teresa come around lately.
	Anyway, but Al, do you have another one?
	I mean, that was a good one.
	We could stop that.
	No, you probably got a good one.
	Hold on.
	I fucking gave a Bible verse story.
	All right.
	All right.
	This one's really.
	Thank you.
	So this is high school girlfriend.
	I kind of got caught cheating and not kinda.
	I definitely did.
	And we went on a college tour trip and I got drunk on the trip.
	This is Confessions just came out, Usher's album.
	Oh, boy.
	I was drunk.
	And I was singing songs from Confessions at the top of my lung outside her window of the girl's dorm trying to get her back.
	Didn't work at all.
	Now, Alex is a really good voice.
	Oh, that makes it worse, kind of.
	That makes it worse.
	Which songs were you singing?
	Confessions?
	Probably Burn or I don't know.
	You can't sing the let it go song.
	Oh, I'm sorry.
	Worrying about staying broken up.
	That's true.
	Let it burn.
	So it probably confessions.
	It was a bad song, Choice.
	Can you sing that?
	She was about A701 when he was in love with Chile.
	That's got it.
	Hold on.
	Yeah, but Confessions just came out.
	It was slamping.
	I was like, oh, I'm going to get it with a bopper.
	Did you go part one or part two?
	Probably part two.
	Al, can you please sing that song?
	Come on.
	All right.
	Girlfriend.
	Every time I was in.
	Oh, that told you, baby.
	Baby, I'm working.
	No.
	I was doing a dirt.
	Oh, one thing about you getting hurt.
	And it had giving a damn who sees me.
	So you better come in on the solo home.
	Thinking about me.
	He's not a good man.
	He'll never do the things I'm about to tell you.
	I don't praise yourself.
	Trota like a steady brother.
	Trotter's like a steadbrook.
	That just left me out there.
	Just like she did.
	Oh, man.
	You gave up on yourself.
	So that song is still traumatized.
	Still traumatized.
	I get it.
	I'm in the studio, man.
	That's you for the intro.
	Man.
	My gosh.
	What are we at right now?
	137.
	Listen, Shane, I want you to give them everything.
	Give them your socials.
	Yeah.
	Hopefully, you guys who didn't understand Shane have a better understanding of Shane.
	I think I did myself a favor.
	I saw this one.
	You did prove you're funny.
	That's the most.
	If there's one thing that we value in this podcast, asshole Army values, it is humor.
	And I think if they see you as a funny person, all of a sudden they see the rest of the shit that is said in that context.
	I think that's very good.
	But yeah, tell them about the podcast.
	Tell them your socials.
	It's Matt and Shane Secret Podcast.
	You can follow me on Twitter and Instagram at Shane M. Gillis.
	And go to ShaneMgillis.com for tour dates.
	And what do you got coming up?
	Now, this comes out next week.
	Okay.
	So that means I'm in Worcester, Mass, at the Wuha Ha Comedy Club, the 13th and 14th.
	20th and 21st of December, I'll be at Good Nights in Raleigh, North Carolina.
	Great club.
	27th, 28th, I'll be in McGoobies in Baltimore.
	That sounds so racist.
	McGoobies.
	McGoobies.
	And January 10th and 11th, I'll be at Helium, Buffalo.
	Ah, good.
	17th, 18th of January, Stress Factory in New Brunswick.
	Yep.
	24th, 25th, Comics Mohegan Sun in Connecticut.
	30th through the 1st, Bridgeport Stress Factory in Connecticut.
	Great.
	Great, great, great.
	All right.
	So go check out Shane.
	I appreciate you coming down, man.
	No, I appreciate it, man.
	I think you got some good stuff coming out, man.
	I can't wait till you drop some more stand-up.
	I know I was following when the whole saga went on.
	I was following you at a clip I think Comedy Central put out.
	Yeah.
	And I was following that clip.
	I was like, are they going to see if he's funny?
	Yeah.
	Because that was important to me.
	It was like, okay, I understand that you don't like him, but if you go watch the clips, you're curious to see if he's funny or not.
	And that clip really went up.
	I think it probably started around like 100-something, and now I don't know where the fuck it is.
	It does kind of suck, though, because that was a Comedy Central five-minute clip.
	Right.
	Like, it's not my, it's not.
	It's Comedy Central.
	They cut stuff out of him.
	Yeah, of course.
	Comedy Central Central.
	True, true.
	It is better than that kind of stuff.
	But I'm excited for you to share some of the stuff that I've seen.
	I hope that you start putting stuff up in some.
	Anything I can do to help you out, you know, I'm here for you.
	Yeah.
	Thank you so much for coming on, man.
	Really appreciate you, my brother.
	Guys, this has been another episode of Flagrant 2.
	No Easy Buckets.
	Keep it tight.

Chapters

00:00:04 Racist Misinterpretations Explained
00:14:44 White Privilege and Trauma
00:29:55 Seinfeld, Women, and Laughs
00:43:39 Policy Genius Home Insurance Tips
00:46:51 Audition Stories and Packet Fronts
01:02:09 Apologies That Cannot Be Made
01:09:01 Blue Chew and Stand Up Comedy
01:13:48 Plastic Whales and Ocean Cleanup
01:22:13 Sixth Grade Security Embarrassment
01:33:17 Magic Spoon Cereal Solution
01:36:41 Central Comedy Trauma Reflection